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The other day, Google’s homepage featured Raymond Loewy, designer of many things from locomotives to product packaging. Among his achievements was the Exxon logo. The following is from Raymond Loewy’s archives:
This got Bossy thinking about the many rejected logos, and what the future of the company may have been had they instead selected a logo from the discard pile. Shall we?
If you liked this post about companies, click here to read about the time a yoga pant company inadvertently produced crotchless panties.
Recently Bossy entered the realm of dating websites because they do not make I Only Want To Pal Around websites or even I Am Here Somewhat Ironically websites.
For those of you who don’t know about dating websites because you are happy, here’s how it works: Bossy set up a profile and is presented with prospects based on Bossy’s very broad criteria such as age, distance, and humor curiosity smarts giggles desire surprises thoughtfulness creativity practicality gameness solidity inventiveness affection follow-through wanderlust fun and ultimately character.
Typically a prospect’s profile features a series of photos, basic statistics like those found in a morgue description, and a personal summary.
Bossy is fascinated by the many messages conveyed in such a limited format, intentional and otherwise. Most of the time Bossy trusts her instincts to separate the wheat from the chaff. But the other day Bossy realized she would reject her boyfriend, Bill Clinton, if he were on a dating website:
Here’s how that would go:
Bossy would be all, ugh, Billy sounds Southern. And Bossy would be all, ugh, how dynamic could he be at 67? Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, unemployed, and his pallor is kind of ruddy and he has the stature of an anchorman.
This got Bossy thinking about her other boyfriends, and if Bossy would reject them if they were on a dating website.
Bossy would be all, ugh, he looks puffy from drinking. And Bossy would be all, ugh, he seems sad and there are crumbs in the corner of his mouth. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, only Ron Howard survived being a child actor. And ugh, is there anything more pathetic than sucking on a Nicotine pipe day and night?
So Bossy would keep looking:
Bossy would be all, ugh, he’s younger than Bossy. And Bossy would be all, ugh, isn’t that Emily Blunt? She’s only 5′7″ so this Ewan guy must be short, ugh. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, motorcycle, no.
The search would continue:
Renaissance fair hair ugh.
Cat hair ugh.
Too bad there are never any good men on dating sites.
If you liked this post, click this link to read about the time Bossy met Bill Clinton.
Once upon a time Bossy’s bicycle lived free range in a bucolic suburb. The small town grocery store, community pool, public library, these were the happy places Bossy’s bicycle visited on a routine basis, untethered:
But then Bossy moved back to the city of her youth:
Bossy’s city has become quite the bicycle town in the intervening years since Bossy left to live in a place where she could ride on the sidewalks without fear of prosecution for Violation of Regulations and Penalties Chapter 12-800.
When Bossy was a girl, very few cyclists braved the car-addled Philadelphia streets — and when those cyclists were inevitably injured, there were even fewer cyclists.
But for the past decade, the Mayor’s Office of Transportation and Utilities has transformed the dangerous streets of Bossy’s childhood into 200 miles of dangerous bike lanes!
Before moving to the city, Bossy spent a day locating Bossy’s long ago purchased rusty dusty bike lock, and the accompanying rusty dusty bike lock key. This was because Bossy decided she was going to begin her new city life with new healthy habits, such as riding her bike to the liquor store! And she would need to lock the bike once there.
And that first time, as Bossy pulled onto the sidewalk she never left, it occurred to Bossy she didn’t even know how to use her bike lock for optimal protection!
So she looked it up. Here are those instructions:
If you liked this post about Bossy’s bicycle, read this post about the time Bossy and her son fought during a camping trip over a wet bike seat.
Or click this link for Bossy’s post about the wonderful horrible no good very bad Philadelphia City Hall.
What is there to say about this hideous date? 9-1-1 like the Emergency Telephone Number. 9-11 like the police code for theft.
September 11th has a cadence predestining it to be remembered, like Ray Charles or Hank Aaron. September 11th was the day buildings fell.
More recently, September 11th was the day Bossy’s heart was broken.
The anniversary of September 11th got Bossy thinking of the many remarkable things that happened on this date, residing in the shadow of our collective mourning.
For instance on Sept 11, he was born:
And on this date in 1998, Malaysia became the first Asian country to host the Commonwealth Games!
Also on this date in 1998, Kenneth Starr reported to Congress on Bill Clinton’s possible impeachable offenses!
In 1977, TV’s Rhoda got divorced!
In 1970, the Ford Pinto was introduced!
In 1966, the Rolling Stones performed on Ed Sullivan!
Blah blah in the year 506, the bishops of Visigothic Gaul met in the Council of Agde!
Let’s hear from you, esteemed council. Got any dates you need Bossy to scrub?
If you liked this post, click this link to read Bossy’s full account of September 11th 2001.
Recently a friend suggested Bossy join Tinder, a dating app that lives on your phone.
Here’s how it works: When you open a Tinder profile, that profile is allowed access to certain elements of your Facebook page, for instance all of it. That means Tinder uses the Facebook profile photos you select, and Tinder is allowed to see your Facebook friends and interests.
Next you write yourself a tagline, and select the distance and age range you are willing to consider. For instance, Bossy quickly realized she needed to advance her distance range from twenty miles outside of Philadelphia to something approaching Jupiter.
Then, based on your criteria, Tinder recommends people who stack like playing cards on your iPhone screen, giving you the option to either like or reject them. It’s based on a blind match, meaning you never know who likes you until you select them. It is also based on a blind match in the sense it helps if at least one of you is blind.
For instance, meet
Johnnie Cochran Stanley.
If you press the green heart, Stanley is categorized as liked. If you press the X, the word nope is rubber stamped across his profile. If you would like more information, you can press the little blue i which allows you to see the person’s tagline, such as, “Arnold Palmers are my favorite drink and I hate cats.”
But perhaps the most fascinating element of Tinder is the fact you can see if you have any shared friends or shared interests, and who and what they are, which helps you vet your prospects.
After a brief time spent on Tinder, where brief equals a sister got carpal tunnel syndrome rejecting her fellow Tindergartners, Bossy has compiled the following list of reasons to hit Nope:
If you enjoyed this post about dating, click here to read about the time a friend of Bossy’s caught another friend… oh just read it.
Or click this link to read about Bossy’s crush on Match Game’s Gene Rayburn.
Or read this post from years ago about the time The Bossy family played a board game and nearly murdered each other.
Bossy never watches TV. Ever!
Instead Bossy chain smokes Netflix on her laptop, which is propped inches from her pillow so she can inhale the pan effect of Ken Burns’ documentaries.
But TV? Bossy never watches.
Which was why it was so unusual last week when, stranded in an airport hotel in Chicago, Bossy turned on the television! First of all, this sounds a lot simpler than it was considering Bossy couldn’t locate the remote — and did you know there aren’t knobs on TV sets anymore? In fact there are no more sets in TV sets anymore.
This means, in the event of a fire, and you are under strict orders to change the channel, but the remote has incinerated, you cannot do it. The same goes for adjusting the volume during a hurricane or a tornado or due to something really dangerous, like you can’t hear House Hunters.
But there was Bossy, in her hotel room, with the TV on, when the strangest thing happened. Bossy fell asleep! It was strange because Bossy never falls asleep watching television! This is because Bossy falls asleep watching Netflix!
Lucky for Bossy, the only dangerous thing about falling asleep watching Netflix, is waking to the accusatory flicker of Titles You Might Enjoy. Netflix creates lists of these suggested titles based on your recent viewing habits. Therefore, it should surprise no one Netflix thinks Bossy would enjoy Dark Cultural titles, and Emotional Reality titles, and the coup de grace of all sad bastard Netflix: the sinister Dark Cultural Emotional Reality titles.
But back to that hotel room, and Bossy falling asleep watching TV. This is how it came to be that Bossy woke up in the middle of an infomercial.
One minute Bossy was watching Restaurant Impossible, and the next minute she was riding a snowmobile through the Alps! Except it wasn’t the Alps, it was a hotel duvet, and it wasn’t a snowmobile, it was the whirring of a blender.
Except it wan’t a blender, silly reader, it was something better than a blender! It was a Magic Bullet!
And why is the Magic Bullet so much better than a blender? According to the infomercial, it’s because the Magic Bullet pulverizes food until it becomes easily absorbable nutrients, while ordinary blenders create pulp that gets trapped in the strainer you would never use when making a smoothie in the first place!
And Magic Bullets are better because their easily absorbable nutrients produce drinks with names such as the Get Up And Goji. And because you can control your physiology based on what you pulverize. For instance, if you want to feel energized, combine kale and banana and berries!
But if you want to feel relaxed, combine kale and banana and berries.
You guessed correctly, Bossy purchased one. And Bossy will try not to become too discouraged by the Bullet’s troubleshooting guide:
But Bossy admits she is already feeling the positive effects of two whole days of absorbed nutrients. In fact, Bossy nearly had the energy to drive to the corner for a gallon of coffee ice cream.
If you liked this post about TV, click this link to watch The Barefoot Contessa episodes with Bossy and Ina’s gay T.R.
Or you could also click this link to read about Bossy’s wee obsession In Treatment.