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Hello, and welcome to I Am Bossy, a humor blog without the blog posts! Luckily the blog is still funny. Even if currently written and archived entirely within the confines of Bossy’s own head!
Bossy hasn’t been writing lately because of the following items, in no particular order except from most important to even more important:
Working. Bossy has been working full time at an Institutional Investment Firm. If you don’t understand what Bossy could possibly provide in skills to an Institutional Investment Firm, you are not alone! In fact you are joined by Bossy, along with everyone who works with Bossy! The good news is, after nearly two years, Bossy is beginning to understand her field. The field very close to her apartment.
Dating. This past year Bossy placed her profile on several dating sites, where profile equals Bossy avoided using photos of her profile.
And so it was that Bossy found herself on dates with the three-dimensional versions of the flat men featured on the websites. Due to Bossy’s superior vetting, most of her dates were not disappointing in their representation. The exception to this rule are the men Bossy seems to favor, who all have rather troublesome medical conditions such as penniless or married.
Cycling. Cycling is exactly like riding a bike, except it costs more to buy the padding you need for your ass. Bossy began cycling at the beginning of the summer and now goes on 60-mile rides, which is like riding one mile sixty times, or like listening to 120 songs, or watching two movies, or four Project Runways.
Redesigning. Bossy is in the process of redesigning this blog so she doesn’t lose all will to live every time she spies the many defunct features in the left column and don’t you look over there either. Bossy’s redesign process will swap out the existing orange and red banner for a tediously similar orange and red banner, as well as offer Bossy readers the social media sharing and liking tools that will be obsolete by the redesign’s completion!
Please don’t lose faith in Bossy and her ability to make a comeback. Bossy will reconvene her esteemed council beginning September on a regular posting schedule so check back often! Bossy has lots of stuff to tell you and is no longer paralyzed to say it.
Mothering. You’ll be happy to know Bossy is still the mother of two kids, even if they are no longer kids.
Bossy’s daughter turned 18 this summer, finally joining her brother in his 7-year established adulthood. This fall Bossy’s daughter is a senior in high school, ushering in a year of lasts for Bossy and her (Un)husband, who have had one or the other child in school for the past twenty-three years. Bossy’s daughter is facing the college search process, the college application process, the college acceptance process, and college. Meanwhile Bossy’s son, who graduated from Columbia University two years ago, is equally contemplative regarding his next move, which will likely situate both goofs in a University near you Fall of 2015.
And lastly, Bossy’s Dane isn’t just Great, she is now elderly.
If you liked this post, click this link to read about the celebrities Bossy would reject on a dating site.
You see we have these things called clocks and no one looks at them because we have phones. Yes phones are for talking to people who aren’t there, but they’re also for telling time. No you don’t actually tell time anything, but rather telling time is the process of knowing what time it is. And you know what time it is because you look at a clock. Shall we begin?
Clocks have numbers on them. Except sometimes they don’t:
And each number represents an hour which is one hour long. An hour takes an hour, which is also sixty minutes. A minute takes a minute and is made up of sixty seconds which are a second long. That’s like bah-duh. That’s a second. One Mississippi is also a second. Two Mississippi is two seconds. And 3600 Mississippi is one hour. Or you could just look at a clock.
Time is arranged in the hours it takes to get from midnight to midday and back again. There are twenty-four of them. The first twelve hours are described with the numbers one to twelve, and so are the second twelve hours because we’re not as smart as Europeans. From midnight to midday is referred to as AM, which stands for after morning. No, wait. AM stands for before noon but BN was already taken. No, wait. That’s BM.
We need to know what time it is because we need to go to work to make the money we will deposit in the bank where people work to make the money to spend in Forever 21. When we arrive at the proper hour, we are said to be on time. When we get something done, it is often in time. When we refer to something that already happened, we say it was at the time. When we repeat something, we say it is all the time, and arguably the best song ever written is Time After Time.
In addition there is a hard time, a matter of time, a set time, a point in time, big time, from time to time, to make time, borrowed time, one more time, killing time, give it time, in spare time, and it’s about time — which this post was!
Stay tuned for more episodes of Alien School: Explaining Stuff to Aliens.
If you liked this post, read Once Upon A Time Bossy tried to find cute espadrilles.
Look! It’s time for Ten-Word Tuesday on Wednesday! That’s because Thursday is the new Friday! Shall we?
For the past week, Bossy has been sleeping with Keith Richards. In doorstop form. It all began when Bossy borrowed Keith Richards from Bossy’s friend Barbara because Barbara said, “It’s actually a very good read.”
Which brings up an interesting point. Actually is never a word you want associated with your achievements. It’s like the time Bossy invited her neighbor Tracy over for appetizers, and Tracy said, “Actually the roasted beets with goat cheese you just spent two hours preparing in very small batches in the heat of summer is pretty good.”
Actually that was the last of Bossy and Tracy.
But back to the
doorstop book. Bossy borrowed it from her friend Barbara with the promise to return it at the end of the weekend. That was two years ago. And while on the subject: Dear Barbara. If you’re looking everywhere for your Keith Richards autobiography — for instance because you need something to serve as a counterweight for the Cape York Meteorite — Bossy apologizes for its absence. At her current rate of reading, Bossy should have this item returned to you when Bossy’s clock strikes heaven-thirty.
So why is it taking Bossy so long to finish? Maybe because the only time Bossy can read is when Bossy climbs into bed. And Bossy doesn’t so much read in bed these days as read in bed through her closed eyelids. And weirdly when one reads through closed eyes you remain on page 32 until a millennium swallows an eon.
It’s not that Keith Richards isn’t fascinating. Here’s what Bossy learned so far:
Bossy can sum up her Keith Richards autobiography in this way: If a tornado is approaching, please hide beneath this book.
Which is what today’s Ten-Word Challenge is all about. In exactly ten words, can you tell Bossy about the book you’re reading — or detail your summer reading list?
And be sure to check back later for the best book descriptions on the web!
If you liked this Ten-Word Tuesday, you may want to click this link to read how Ten-Word Tuesday began with over 300 comments!
Bossy is going to tell you about her dream because people love when you do that.
Okay. It took place last night. In the dream, Bossy got a puppy. But not just any puppy, it was a cross between a daddy longlegs spider and a stick figure drawn by an embryo:
Bossy soon realized that although her puppy seemed to have the constitution of a blouse fiber, it did in fact need the typical puppy things, such as food and water and relieving itself out of doors:
At first Bossy seemed to be meeting the challenges of her new docile puppy, who Bossy flanked during its daily routines, hoping the wind wouldn’t kick up:
But then the puppy developed more energy as puppies do, and it wanted to run off alone for great distances, its indecipherable form impossible to track with Bossy’s naked eye.
Bossy weighed the benefit of slipping her puppy into a baggie with something to eat, but she quickly realized the puppy needed certain creature comforts. Such as air:
Only when Bossy’s puppy took off like a tissue across a windswept plain with no hope of catching it did Bossy realize she should have built a fish tank for her puppy! Absent the water. And the fish. Because Bossy’s puppy would have been happy within this safe ecosystem. Assuming Bossy could fashion a lid impervious to her puppy’s escape.
But just then Bossy woke up.
Bossy can sum up what her puppy dream means in this way: Bossy wants something that feels tenuous and hard to contain.
Which is what today’s Ten-Word Challenge is all about. In exactly ten words, can you tell Bossy about one of your dreams, or the meaning of one of your dreams? Or you can analyze Bossy’s dream!
And be sure to check back later for the best Dream Analysis on the web!
If you liked this Ten-Word Tuesday, read Bossy’s Ten-Word High School Friends Edition.
Or read about hangover cures in Ten-Word answers.
Or read Bossy’s Ten-Word Exercise edition.
And stick close, Bossy readers, because in a few short days Bossy will be blogging every minute of the multi-state college tour Bossy is taking with her daughter!
Hello, and welcome to four-one-one-four! But you can call it Sister Mercy April is finally here. Unlike the first of every other month, April 1st marks the day we tell children the world is canceling summer. This is known as April Fools’ Day!
April Fools’ Day goes back to the ancient Romans, who celebrated the Spring equinox with a religious festival they named Hilaria.
Marking the end of winter’s gloom, the Hilaria festival featured the usual ancient Roman amusements, such as walking the length of the village crumbling under the weight of the Goddess statue you’re made to carry:
She’s Cybele, the mother of all Goddesses, even though in other civilizations she was known as Gaia, and Rhea, and Demeter, and broken:
But Hilaria was also known as a lighthearted holiday that encouraged masquerades, rejoicing, and public sacrifice:
Next stop in our history of April Fools’ Day, Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales was misinterpreted so that readers thought Chaucer pinpointed March 32nd as being the day a vain cock was fooled by a fox:
Which brings us to our final explanation of April Fool’s Day: most European towns throughout the Middle Ages celebrated New Year’s Day on March 25th — and France’s celebration lasted one week, culminating on April 1st. And it is said that those who celebrated New Year’s Day on January 1st made fun of the French and their foolish April 1st New Year:
As some of you may have heard because a Ban Bossy avalanche fell on your Monday morning, Sheryl Sandberg launched a campaign to murder a word.
If you don’t know Sheryl Sandberg because you’re buried under an avalanche, here’s a brief tutorial: she was always at the top of her class, graduating from college with the highest distinction. She served as Chief of Staff for the Treasury and then Vice President of Operations at Google where she initiated the site’s philanthropic arm. Now she serves as the Chief Operating Officer of a little online project that rhymes with SpaceTook, and has firmly landed on the Time 100 list of influential people, her estimated worth at over one billion dollars owing to various stock holdings.
Compare, if you will, Bossy, who was also at the top of her class, where top equals peering down from her near six-foot frame. And like Sandberg, Bossy graduated from college with distinction, which in this case refers to the distinction of not finishing her Bachelor’s degree until seventeen years after she began chasing those bachelors.
Bossy then launched her own online project that should have been named I Am Boozy, where Bossy also initiated the site’s philanthropic arm, referring specifically to her right arm holding the paint brush that paid for her wine.
Bossy also firmly landed on the Time 100 influential list, by which she means the 100 times Bossy landed firmly while under the influence (see wine).
Like Sandberg, Bossy also served as Vice President of Operations, including one operation to remove varicose veins and one Operation Dysfunctional. And finally, Bossy’s estimated worth is also owing to her various stocks, which mostly boils down to chicken stock, although doesn’t completely rule out vegetable stock.
So what is the Ban Bossy campaign about? According to Sheryl Sandberg, when a little girl is assertive, she is called bossy. But when a little boy is assertive, he is called leader.
Bossy took great interest today in all of the little girls now women who are standing with Sheryl Sandberg in admonishment of having been referred to as bossy, including three world leaders, two Supreme Court Justices, two Presidential candidates, two members of Congress, a CEO, a First Lady, a successful publisher, and Beyoncé.
Looking at the lineup of women, Bossy wondered how many other adjectives they have in common. Because if bossy is a descriptor these powerhouses share — a confidence of personality that propelled them to such greatness — then maybe the more liberating thing isn’t running from a word, but owning the grit in its meaning.
Oh good, it’s Valentine’s Day again, because you know how much the Undivorced enjoy celebrating the holidays of romance.
Except the truth is Bossy never saw the appeal. While it’s true Valentine’s Day affords a chocolate-eating opportunity, it’s also the day we celebrate Cupid’s arrow through the heart and — is it Bossy — that’s just ow.
Bossy never understood why Valentine’s Day gained in popularity given all of the other widely-known events worthy of celebration that took place on February 14th. Shall we?
Hello and welcome to The Girl’s Guide to Super Bowl XLVIII. The first thing you should know is the X means 10 and the L means 50 and the V means 5 and III means 3 and put them all together and it EQUALS 68! Which is not the number associated with this Super Bowl, but rather 48! See how easy this is so far?
The two teams competing are the Seattle
Ospreys Seahawks and the Denver Broncos. The Seattle Ospreys Seahawks are named for fish-eating birds of prey while the Denver Broncos are named for Ford’s Sport Utility vehicle.
You will be able to keep track of which team is which because the Seattle Seahawks’ uniform is blue with white and green or silver with green and blue or green with blue and white, while the Denver Broncos uniform is blue with orange and white or orange with white and blue and sometimes white with sister mercy just look at the helmets.
The Seattle Seahawks represent the NFC, which is short for the National Football Conference, which contains sixteen teams spread across four divisions including Bossy’s Philadelphia Eagles! The Denver Broncos represent the AFC, which is short for Absolutely Fooking Cute.
He’s Peyton Manning, but you can call him Manly Peyton. This 37 year old quarterback for the Denver Broncos was born and raised in New Orleans. From 1998-2011 he led the Indianapolis Colts to eight division championships, two AFC championships, and one Super Bowl championship, until the neck and arm pain that had plagued him for years resulted in two surgeries, a missed season, and the Colts trading him away, thinking his career was finished. It wasn’t. This year Peyton holds the NFL passing record of 5,477 yards.
The Seattle Seahawks also have a very famous quarterback — his name is Cornerback Richard Sherman.
Except Bossy likes Richard Sherman, whose graceful athleticism has helped the Seahawks achieve their current standing as Number One Defense. Richard Sherman also attended Stanford as a Communications major, where Communications major equals can you name one other guy on defense among the 1,696 total players in the NFL? No? Exactly. Communications.
The two teams will face off at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey, in front of 167 million viewers who will dip things in mayonnaise for the three hours it takes to expend sixty minutes. The prize for the winning team is the title of Super Bowl Champion, along with the Vince Lombardy Trophy.
If you enjoyed this post, click here to read Bossy’s Girl Guide to the Giants/Patriots Super Bowl.
Or click here to read Bossy’s totally detailed game review, which means the Super Bowl commercials.
Hello, and welcome to Bossy’s update! Now with 72% more excuses!
As you may know, Bossy moved to the city at the end of the summer and has been reacquainting herself to city life. Truth be told, it’s not that different.
For instance when Bossy lived in her small town and needed groceries, she would buy them. Now Bossy rides an elevator to her bike room where she wrestles her bike from a meat hook hung high on the wall and unhinges her two rear bicycle baskets to accommodate purchases before pedaling on a main thoroughfare’s bike lane, otherwise known to vehicles as I don’t understand why this lane is painted with a bike logo but let’s knock these cyclists off with our hood.
Then Bossy tangles her bike pedals alongside other bike pedals propped against a municipal parking sign, and secures her bike frame with a bike lock before entering the store and filling what she thought was a toddler shopping cart, returning to her bike in order to settle the groceries down into the two bike baskets and unlock the bike and reattach her bike lock before pedaling the distance home and into the bike room where Bossy lifts the groceries from her baskets and places them on the concrete floor where the loose fruit and vegetables roll under adjacent bike tires while Bossy collapses her bike baskets so she can lift her bike that is heavy enough for the mountain trails Philadelphia doesn’t have, once again angling the front tire onto the mounted meat hook without bending the spokes or causing a crashing domino effect down the line of bikes belonging to Bossy’s very young and very fit medical residency neighbors.
See? Easy as one-two-three! One-two-three in arabic.
If you had the stamina to read the above, you may wonder why Bossy thinks her many apartment building neighbors are in a medical residency. The short answer is: their age and propensity to have multiple roommates while maintaing a lifestyle commensurate with their impending income and proximity to a superior ivy league medical school. The long answer is: Clogs. Propped outside their apartment doors.
Other changes in Bossy’s life include a paved river trail in front of her loft building that allows for many miles of safe, unfettered running. Luckily for Bossy, it also allows for many miles of safe, unfettered hobbling while wearing running shoes.
And for those days too cold to run outside — or too rainy or too snowy or too foggy or too unpopulated or too populated or too hot or too dark or otherwise inclement or even clement — Bossy’s apartment building features a gym which features a treadmill next to a window overlooking the running trail. Bossy simply climbs aboard and tunes the nearest television to an international program that stimulates the mind by alternating between English and Spanish, which is to say I Love Lucy.
And Bossy’s thirty minutes of exercise passes by in no time! Which is to say there is no time as excruciating as waiting for her thirty minutes of treadmill time to pass.
As such, Bossy tries to break that thirty minutes into more acceptable chunks of time. For instance Bossy will note to herself that two minutes have passed since she hit the Quick Start button and manually ticked off the many annoying beeps between standstill and her 6.0 miles per hour speed.
And then Bossy will calculate there are only 14 two-minute intervals left, which takes her 60 seconds to calculate, depositing her on Minute Three. At this point Bossy will note there is only one two-minute interval remaining until she will have completed five minutes on the treadmill, and there are only six five-minute intervals in her thirty minutes, meaning she is nearly to the five five-minute interval mark, which is only a two-minute interval from seven minutes, and there are loosely only four seven-minute intervals in the entire workout give or take a minute, a calculation which will deposit Bossy near the ten-minute mark when everybody knows there are only three ten-minute intervals before achieving thirty minutes, and Bossy is approaching the point of only two ten-minute intervals remaining, which is reason to celebrate by allowing herself the treat of counting the number of bull dogs on their way to the dog park. Bossy is a natural athlete.
Bossy then retires to her loft, emphasis on tires, where she showers for her workday and prepares her morning Kale smoothie otherwise known as The World’s Best Marketing Campaign Transformed an Ignored Soul Food Side Dish Into A Breakfast Cereal.
Next Bossy walks to work through her local city park:
Bossy’s walk culminates in the high rise where Bossy works as a money manager, which is to say she manages not to spend all of her money buying artisan coffee at the nearby coffee place where the baristas are so hip they look like the Amish farmers their ancestors tried not to resemble.
Bossy spends her day typing and printing and scanning and emailing but mostly smiling at the collection of coworkers Bossy loves like family.
After work Bossy sometimes goes to a bar. Not all of the time, mind you, because sometimes she goes to a different bar.
And you should know Bossy has been dating up a storm, which is a coincidence because sometimes Bossy wishes for a storm so she can cancel her date.
And about that: dating is a strange thing. In fact, it is really surprising that no one has ever tried to write a book or movie or song about the awkwardness of dating, with the exception of everyone. Most often Bossy gets to know these men online, and then schedules a night to meet, typically at a bar, but sometimes at a bar attached to a restaurant. Bossy has met many very interesting men, and yet something is usually missing.
Sometimes the missing thing is Bossy.
In addition to dating, Bossy has been spending a lot of time with her kids in the city, which is convenient since Bossy accommodates her two kids with only one twin bed, one sleeping bag thrown on a short sofa, and no curtains on an East facing view. But really it’s all about togetherness! Unfortunately in this case that togetherness begins at sunrise.
But Bossy has other news too! You see, Bossy is in the process of a blog redesign with a highly esteemed designer Bossy will announce very soon!
Bossy loves her blog like her third born child, and it has been exceedingly sad to watch I Am Bossy bob along in mounting waves, taking on water. But no longer.
So please have patience while all of the necessary improvements are accomplished to make this blog easier to read – and write – again. Please consider leaving a comment detailing things you would like to see, and not see here, moving forward. After all, you have always been Bossy’s esteemed council and you must know Bossy misses you every single day. Trust her.
Cheers to 2014.
If you liked this post, consider reading this one featuring Bossy’s Tutorial on How To Jog.
Or why not read this one about The Time Nina Totenberg was Horny.
Or this timely one about The Many Lookalikes Surrounding Downton Abbey.