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As some of you may have heard because a Ban Bossy avalanche fell on your Monday morning, Sheryl Sandberg launched a campaign to murder a word.
If you don’t know Sheryl Sandberg because you’re buried under an avalanche, here’s a brief tutorial: she was always at the top of her class, graduating from college with the highest distinction. She served as Chief of Staff for the Treasury and then Vice President of Operations at Google where she initiated the site’s philanthropic arm. Now she serves as the Chief Operating Officer of a little online project that rhymes with SpaceTook, and has firmly landed on the Time 100 list of influential people, her estimated worth at over one billion dollars owing to various stock holdings.
Compare, if you will, Bossy, who was also at the top of her class, where top equals peering down from her near six-foot frame. And like Sandberg, Bossy graduated from college with distinction, which in this case refers to the distinction of not finishing her Bachelor’s degree until seventeen years after she began chasing those bachelors.
Bossy then launched her own online project that should have been named I Am Boozy, where Bossy also initiated the site’s philanthropic arm, referring specifically to her right arm holding the paint brush that paid for her wine.
Bossy also firmly landed on the Time 100 influential list, by which she means the 100 times Bossy landed firmly while under the influence (see wine).
Like Sandberg, Bossy also served as Vice President of Operations, including one operation to remove varicose veins and one Operation Dysfunctional. And finally, Bossy’s estimated worth is also owing to her various stocks, which mostly boils down to chicken stock, although doesn’t completely rule out vegetable stock.
So what is the Ban Bossy campaign about? According to Sheryl Sandberg, when a little girl is assertive, she is called bossy. But when a little boy is assertive, he is called leader.
Bossy took great interest today in all of the little girls now women who are standing with Sheryl Sandberg in admonishment of having been referred to as bossy, including three world leaders, two Supreme Court Justices, two Presidential candidates, two members of Congress, a CEO, a First Lady, a successful publisher, and Beyoncé.
Looking at the lineup of women, Bossy wondered how many other adjectives they have in common. Because if bossy is a descriptor these powerhouses share — a confidence of personality that propelled them to such greatness — then maybe the more liberating thing isn’t running from a word, but owning the grit in its meaning.
Oh good, it’s Valentine’s Day again, because you know how much the Undivorced enjoy celebrating the holidays of romance.
Except the truth is Bossy never saw the appeal. While it’s true Valentine’s Day affords a chocolate-eating opportunity, it’s also the day we celebrate Cupid’s arrow through the heart and — is it Bossy — that’s just ow.
Bossy never understood why Valentine’s Day gained in popularity given all of the other widely-known events worthy of celebration that took place on February 14th. Shall we?
Hello and welcome to The Girl’s Guide to Super Bowl XLVIII. The first thing you should know is the X means 10 and the L means 50 and the V means 5 and III means 3 and put them all together and it EQUALS 68! Which is not the number associated with this Super Bowl, but rather 48! See how easy this is so far?
The two teams competing are the Seattle
Ospreys Seahawks and the Denver Broncos. The Seattle Ospreys Seahawks are named for fish-eating birds of prey while the Denver Broncos are named for Ford’s Sport Utility vehicle.
You will be able to keep track of which team is which because the Seattle Seahawks’ uniform is blue with white and green or silver with green and blue or green with blue and white, while the Denver Broncos uniform is blue with orange and white or orange with white and blue and sometimes white with sister mercy just look at the helmets.
The Seattle Seahawks represent the NFC, which is short for the National Football Conference, which contains sixteen teams spread across four divisions including Bossy’s Philadelphia Eagles! The Denver Broncos represent the AFC, which is short for Absolutely Fooking Cute.
He’s Peyton Manning, but you can call him Manly Peyton. This 37 year old quarterback for the Denver Broncos was born and raised in New Orleans. From 1998-2011 he led the Indianapolis Colts to eight division championships, two AFC championships, and one Super Bowl championship, until the neck and arm pain that had plagued him for years resulted in two surgeries, a missed season, and the Colts trading him away, thinking his career was finished. It wasn’t. This year Peyton holds the NFL passing record of 5,477 yards.
The Seattle Seahawks also have a very famous quarterback — his name is Cornerback Richard Sherman.
Except Bossy likes Richard Sherman, whose graceful athleticism has helped the Seahawks achieve their current standing as Number One Defense. Richard Sherman also attended Stanford as a Communications major, where Communications major equals can you name one other guy on defense among the 1,696 total players in the NFL? No? Exactly. Communications.
The two teams will face off at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey, in front of 167 million viewers who will dip things in mayonnaise for the three hours it takes to expend sixty minutes. The prize for the winning team is the title of Super Bowl Champion, along with the Vince Lombardy Trophy.
If you enjoyed this post, click here to read Bossy’s Girl Guide to the Giants/Patriots Super Bowl.
Or click here to read Bossy’s totally detailed game review, which means the Super Bowl commercials.
Hello, and welcome to Bossy’s update! Now with 72% more excuses!
As you may know, Bossy moved to the city at the end of the summer and has been reacquainting herself to city life. Truth be told, it’s not that different.
For instance when Bossy lived in her small town and needed groceries, she would buy them. Now Bossy rides an elevator to her bike room where she wrestles her bike from a meat hook hung high on the wall and unhinges her two rear bicycle baskets to accommodate purchases before pedaling on a main thoroughfare’s bike lane, otherwise known to vehicles as I don’t understand why this lane is painted with a bike logo but let’s knock these cyclists off with our hood.
Then Bossy tangles her bike pedals alongside other bike pedals propped against a municipal parking sign, and secures her bike frame with a bike lock before entering the store and filling what she thought was a toddler shopping cart, returning to her bike in order to settle the groceries down into the two bike baskets and unlock the bike and reattach her bike lock before pedaling the distance home and into the bike room where Bossy lifts the groceries from her baskets and places them on the concrete floor where the loose fruit and vegetables roll under adjacent bike tires while Bossy collapses her bike baskets so she can lift her bike that is heavy enough for the mountain trails Philadelphia doesn’t have, once again angling the front tire onto the mounted meat hook without bending the spokes or causing a crashing domino effect down the line of bikes belonging to Bossy’s very young and very fit medical residency neighbors.
See? Easy as one-two-three! One-two-three in arabic.
If you had the stamina to read the above, you may wonder why Bossy thinks her many apartment building neighbors are in a medical residency. The short answer is: their age and propensity to have multiple roommates while maintaing a lifestyle commensurate with their impending income and proximity to a superior ivy league medical school. The long answer is: Clogs. Propped outside their apartment doors.
Other changes in Bossy’s life include a paved river trail in front of her loft building that allows for many miles of safe, unfettered running. Luckily for Bossy, it also allows for many miles of safe, unfettered hobbling while wearing running shoes.
And for those days too cold to run outside — or too rainy or too snowy or too foggy or too unpopulated or too populated or too hot or too dark or otherwise inclement or even clement — Bossy’s apartment building features a gym which features a treadmill next to a window overlooking the running trail. Bossy simply climbs aboard and tunes the nearest television to an international program that stimulates the mind by alternating between English and Spanish, which is to say I Love Lucy.
And Bossy’s thirty minutes of exercise passes by in no time! Which is to say there is no time as excruciating as waiting for her thirty minutes of treadmill time to pass.
As such, Bossy tries to break that thirty minutes into more acceptable chunks of time. For instance Bossy will note to herself that two minutes have passed since she hit the Quick Start button and manually ticked off the many annoying beeps between standstill and her 6.0 miles per hour speed.
And then Bossy will calculate there are only 14 two-minute intervals left, which takes her 60 seconds to calculate, depositing her on Minute Three. At this point Bossy will note there is only one two-minute interval remaining until she will have completed five minutes on the treadmill, and there are only six five-minute intervals in her thirty minutes, meaning she is nearly to the five five-minute interval mark, which is only a two-minute interval from seven minutes, and there are loosely only four seven-minute intervals in the entire workout give or take a minute, a calculation which will deposit Bossy near the ten-minute mark when everybody knows there are only three ten-minute intervals before achieving thirty minutes, and Bossy is approaching the point of only two ten-minute intervals remaining, which is reason to celebrate by allowing herself the treat of counting the number of bull dogs on their way to the dog park. Bossy is a natural athlete.
Bossy then retires to her loft, emphasis on tires, where she showers for her workday and prepares her morning Kale smoothie otherwise known as The World’s Best Marketing Campaign Transformed an Ignored Soul Food Side Dish Into A Breakfast Cereal.
Next Bossy walks to work through her local city park:
Bossy’s walk culminates in the high rise where Bossy works as a money manager, which is to say she manages not to spend all of her money buying artisan coffee at the nearby coffee place where the baristas are so hip they look like the Amish farmers their ancestors tried not to resemble.
Bossy spends her day typing and printing and scanning and emailing but mostly smiling at the collection of coworkers Bossy loves like family.
After work Bossy sometimes goes to a bar. Not all of the time, mind you, because sometimes she goes to a different bar.
And you should know Bossy has been dating up a storm, which is a coincidence because sometimes Bossy wishes for a storm so she can cancel her date.
And about that: dating is a strange thing. In fact, it is really surprising that no one has ever tried to write a book or movie or song about the awkwardness of dating, with the exception of everyone. Most often Bossy gets to know these men online, and then schedules a night to meet, typically at a bar, but sometimes at a bar attached to a restaurant. Bossy has met many very interesting men, and yet something is usually missing.
Sometimes the missing thing is Bossy.
In addition to dating, Bossy has been spending a lot of time with her kids in the city, which is convenient since Bossy accommodates her two kids with only one twin bed, one sleeping bag thrown on a short sofa, and no curtains on an East facing view. But really it’s all about togetherness! Unfortunately in this case that togetherness begins at sunrise.
But Bossy has other news too! You see, Bossy is in the process of a blog redesign with a highly esteemed designer Bossy will announce very soon!
Bossy loves her blog like her third born child, and it has been exceedingly sad to watch I Am Bossy bob along in mounting waves, taking on water. But no longer.
So please have patience while all of the necessary improvements are accomplished to make this blog easier to read – and write – again. Please consider leaving a comment detailing things you would like to see, and not see here, moving forward. After all, you have always been Bossy’s esteemed council and you must know Bossy misses you every single day. Trust her.
Cheers to 2014.
If you liked this post, consider reading this one featuring Bossy’s Tutorial on How To Jog.
Or why not read this one about The Time Nina Totenberg was Horny.
Or this timely one about The Many Lookalikes Surrounding Downton Abbey.
The other day, Google’s homepage featured Raymond Loewy, designer of many things from locomotives to product packaging. Among his achievements was the Exxon logo. The following is from Raymond Loewy’s archives:
This got Bossy thinking about the many rejected logos, and what the future of the company may have been had they instead selected a logo from the discard pile. Shall we?
If you liked this post about companies, click here to read about the time a yoga pant company inadvertently produced crotchless panties.
Recently Bossy entered the realm of dating websites because they do not make I Only Want To Pal Around websites or even I Am Here Somewhat Ironically websites.
For those of you who don’t know about dating websites because you are happy, here’s how it works: Bossy set up a profile and is presented with prospects based on Bossy’s very broad criteria such as age, distance, and humor curiosity smarts giggles desire surprises thoughtfulness creativity practicality gameness solidity inventiveness affection follow-through wanderlust fun and ultimately character.
Typically a prospect’s profile features a series of photos, basic statistics like those found in a morgue description, and a personal summary.
Bossy is fascinated by the many messages conveyed in such a limited format, intentional and otherwise. Most of the time Bossy trusts her instincts to separate the wheat from the chaff. But the other day Bossy realized she would reject her boyfriend, Bill Clinton, if he were on a dating website:
Here’s how that would go:
Bossy would be all, ugh, Billy sounds Southern. And Bossy would be all, ugh, how dynamic could he be at 67? Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, unemployed, and his pallor is kind of ruddy and he has the stature of an anchorman.
This got Bossy thinking about her other boyfriends, and if Bossy would reject them if they were on a dating website.
Bossy would be all, ugh, he looks puffy from drinking. And Bossy would be all, ugh, he seems sad and there are crumbs in the corner of his mouth. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, only Ron Howard survived being a child actor. And ugh, is there anything more pathetic than sucking on a Nicotine pipe day and night?
So Bossy would keep looking:
Bossy would be all, ugh, he’s younger than Bossy. And Bossy would be all, ugh, isn’t that Emily Blunt? She’s only 5′7″ so this Ewan guy must be short, ugh. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, motorcycle, no.
The search would continue:
Renaissance fair hair ugh.
Cat hair ugh.
Too bad there are never any good men on dating sites.
If you liked this post, click this link to read about the time Bossy met Bill Clinton.
Once upon a time Bossy’s bicycle lived free range in a bucolic suburb. The small town grocery store, community pool, public library, these were the happy places Bossy’s bicycle visited on a routine basis, untethered:
But then Bossy moved back to the city of her youth:
Bossy’s city has become quite the bicycle town in the intervening years since Bossy left to live in a place where she could ride on the sidewalks without fear of prosecution for Violation of Regulations and Penalties Chapter 12-800.
When Bossy was a girl, very few cyclists braved the car-addled Philadelphia streets — and when those cyclists were inevitably injured, there were even fewer cyclists.
But for the past decade, the Mayor’s Office of Transportation and Utilities has transformed the dangerous streets of Bossy’s childhood into 200 miles of dangerous bike lanes!
Before moving to the city, Bossy spent a day locating Bossy’s long ago purchased rusty dusty bike lock, and the accompanying rusty dusty bike lock key. This was because Bossy decided she was going to begin her new city life with new healthy habits, such as riding her bike to the liquor store! And she would need to lock the bike once there.
And that first time, as Bossy pulled onto the sidewalk she never left, it occurred to Bossy she didn’t even know how to use her bike lock for optimal protection!
So she looked it up. Here are those instructions:
If you liked this post about Bossy’s bicycle, read this post about the time Bossy and her son fought during a camping trip over a wet bike seat.
Or click this link for Bossy’s post about the wonderful horrible no good very bad Philadelphia City Hall.