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It's Time To Get Rid of the Marriage Vows

2011-12-22T11:38:00.000+02:00

My wife and I attended a wedding recently and I began to get distracted by my thoughts on the vows. Through my little tangent-chasing episode, I came to this very disturbing realization:

Nobody takes their wedding vows seriously anymore.

With the divorce rate what it is, I don’t think anyone is too surprised by my conclusion, but this thought led me to asking a question: Why do we even make these promises when it seems like it’s become such a big joke to everyone? If we’re not going to keep this covenant we’re making with each other, what’s the point?

I take you to be my wife
To have and to hold
In good times and bad
For richer or poorer
In sickness and in health
Till death to us part

Those are pretty traditional set of vows, and it’s even more common today for a bride and groom to write their own vows which often include much more personal – and much more specific – promises to each other. In good times and in bad. No matter what happens. As long as we both shall live.

But so many marriages are ending after only a year or two, and often it’s because one or both parties decide it’s not what they were expecting and leave, all the while having family and friends around them say things like, “It’s okay. You deserve to be happy.”

Why aren’t we holding ourselves to the promises we’ve made. The whole idea of having “witnesses” at a ceremony is for them to confirm, “Yes, these people were were married and, yes, they did promise themselves to each other for the rest of their lives.” So why when people are announcing their divorces don’t we have more conversations like this one:

“But you promised you’d be together till death!”
“Yeah, but it’s just so hard. You just don’t understand what it’s like.”
“Then why didn’t you change ‘Till death do us part’ to ‘Till irreconcilable differences do us part’?”

Yeah it sounds rough, but marriage is a serious business and we’ve all done it a huge disservice by making a joke out of what is supposed to be one of the most important promises we ever make. Though I know there are about a million yeah-but-what-if’s when we're talking about cause for divorce, what I’m saying today is that if we don’t mean these things we say, we should certainly stop saying them. If you don't really mean "As long as we both shall live," then say what you really mean.

When Your Wife Is Sick

2011-10-04T07:39:00.000+03:00

Usually when my wife is sick I try to baby her as best as I can, and I step up and take charge in the areas that she is usually responsible for. She’s been sick for the last few days, but she hasn’t been living on the couch, so I didn’t think she was feeling too bad.

Yesterday morning I figured I would get breakfast ready for us both, but she just went ahead to the kitchen and did it. I took this to mean that she was feeling better and didn’t say anything. Later she told me we were going to have grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. When I brought home the groceries after an appointment of mine, she began cooking and again I thought she must be feeling better.

Then last night before bed I could tell she wasn’t very happy. After a little bit of coaxing she finally confessed to feeling a little frustrated and said that when I’m sick, she babies me and takes care of me the best she can, but since she’s been sick, it doesn’t seem like I’ve wanted to go that extra mile.

This of course hurt because I want her to be able to count on me, so I gently explained that I felt like I was getting mixed messages. Since she wasn’t expressing how badly she was feeling, and since she was taking charge in the areas she usually does, I figured she was feeling better and was wanting to do those things she was doing. I told her that since this sickness wasn’t a debilitating one, I needed more verbal cues on how to help than what I had gotten.

She said she understood that and apologized, and she expressed that she struggles with feelings of guilt when she’s sick because she still wants to take care of me and the house. So unless I was explicitly telling her that she needed to lay down, she was going to keep moving. I told her I was sorry for not being as quick to help out as she needed me to be.

It was a good conversation, and one that reminded me that I need to have my what-can-I-do-to-help senses turned up a little higher when my wife has a runny nose.

Don't Leave It At Thank You

2011-09-30T20:24:00.002+03:00

My wife is an excellent cook. Amazing, actually. She’s always getting compliments from everyone we know about how much they like what she makes. But I’m not one of those guys who thinks with their stomachs. I like food just fine, but I’m no connoisseur. I’m not too picky and rarely just hate something that I eat. So unfortunately even though I always try to remember to thank my wife for her meals, I don’t always remember to compliment her.

I was reminded of this last night when she made something new; an improvement, in my opinion, on a recipe we had a friends’ house recently. It really was good, and I was really impressed that she took what I thought was a ho-hum meal and made it shine. After dinner I told her, “That was delicious!” and her reaction made an impression on me. She voiced a sincere thank you and then said, “And thanks for telling me.”

It wasn’t said in spite or anything, it was just genuine appreciation for me taking the time to let her know that I did in fact love what she made.

And so my resolution today is to not forget to tell my wife how much I enjoy what’s she’s put effort into, and not simply thank her for the effort. There’s a small difference between the two, but I think it’s significant.

The New Kindle And My Old Sex Life

2011-09-29T10:03:00.000+03:00

Two days ago I loved my Kindle and there wasn’t another e-reader on the planet that I desired. But yesterday Amazon announced their new line of Kindles and my beloved Kindle 3 is now looking a little outdated.

We can all relate to this, can’t we? You buy a state-of-the-art, just-released gadget, and it is the apple of your eye until the new version is released. Then my fast device isn’t as fast, and my “new” features are old news. This is something we all understand and can relate to, but the point I want to focus on today is this:

How did you learn that what you had was old?

The answer is simple: By exposing yourself to the new. It’s not until we learn that there is something else out there that we begin to despise the things we were just in love with. We have exposed our eyes to something we didn’t even know existed a day earlier, and now that’s all we can think about.

Now let’s apply this principle to our sex lives.

In marriage, it’s not uncommon for a husband to feel frustrated with his wife’s lack of desire to try new things in bed. Some would argue that that is only natural; that familiarity breeds contempt. They would say that unless you are constantly spicing things up in the bedroom, you get bored. Though I think there is something to say about doing your best to keep the romance alive in your sex life, it is also important to look at this through this lens of old versus new.

If you are frustrated because your wife is turned off by oral sex, or because she’s not into trying new positions, or because sex in an airplane bathroom doesn’t appeal to her, you have to ask yourselves one question:

How did all these sexual ideas get into my head in the first place?

When we expose ourselves to pornography or to sexually suggestive material (whether that be magazines, TV shows, internet, movies, ect.), we are teaching ourselves that “regular” sex is old and we need to try new things to keep things exciting. And just like when we’re constantly bombarded by advertisements for new gadgets, giving into every desire can be dangerous. Many husbands come into marriage addicted to pornography, or at the very least, having been exposed to way too much of it. So instead of learning about sex as a couple, and experimenting on their own with what they like and don’t like, the husband is working his way down a checklist. Regular sex is so last year, so why don’t we try... The result is all too common: He's never satisfied and she's perplexed (and often hurt) wondering why he wants her to try all this stuff in the first place.

If you’ve run into frustrations in your marriage because your wife isn’t into all these new things you want to try, you need to ask yourself where you got these ideas to begin with. Was it from an honorable place, or are you trying to bring your past (or current) life of indulgence into this new relationship? If your wife isn’t comfortable with some of your kinky ideas, don’t get mad at her for not wanting to try new things when the only reason it’s in your head was because you spent too long chasing links online the night before.

The more we limit our exposure to new things, the less we desire to have them. What is true for electronics, is true for your marriage. In many different ways, of course, but especially in this one.

Organize Your Own Marriage Retreat

2011-09-09T08:05:00.001+03:00

Last week I got an email from a woman who shared that she and her husband had just organized their own marriage retreat. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was just what their relationship needed, and now they both are feeling rejuvenated and more deeply in love. What was it they did exactly?

Nothing. But with a purpose.

The two set aside three full days to do absolutely nothing but spend time together. It wasn’t just time off, however. They spent this time reading together, talking about things together, praying together (they are a Christian couple), and they did things like watch movies and sleep in as late as they could.

I think this is a fantastic idea, and one many marriages could benefit from. Again, this wasn’t just “three days off.” This was a time to reconnect as a couple. That means, hours online or in front of the TV alone are off limits. This is about you as a couple, not you as an individual.

Though these two are empty-nesters, it doesn’t mean that doing something like this must wait until the kids are off at college. Steal a three-day weekend by sending the kids to friends’ houses, or to your parents’. Put together a loose schedule of things you want to accomplish. Choose a couples’ book that has discussion questions after each chapter to encourage important conversations. Find a list of movies you’ve wanted to see but had to miss over the last few years (maybe even go to the movies). Figure out how meals will work (include a special restaurant if you can afford it). Spend time reconnecting to each other sexually if that area of your life has been floundering.

Sometimes we avoid doing things for ourselves because of how hard it is to actually go through with the plan. But somethings are worth the trouble, especially when you think about long-term effects. If you marriage is in need of a little rest and relaxation, do what you’ve got to do to make it happen.

One New Way To Show Your Wife Love

2011-06-08T08:55:00.018+03:00

Coming up with ways on your own to improve your marriage is a great idea, but sometimes it's not nearly as helpful as hearing what your wife is thinking. Hearing it straight from her allows for many more hits than misses.

My wife told me recently that she really did appreciate it when I gave her gifts, and that she wouldn't mind it at all if I got her flowers more often. Sound forced or unromantic? Absolutely not. Her expressing that to me was a way to show me how she could feel more loved. From now on, I will get her flowers more often, not because I have to but because I want her to feel loved as much as possible, and it turns out that this is a great way of doing that.

So I challenge you: ask your wife for one thing you could do more often that would make her feel more loved. You will probably be surprised at how easy it is, and your marriage will thank you.

Remember Your Manners In Marriage

2011-05-17T10:41:00.000+03:00

It is so easy to get used to being married. And though the intimacy of normalcy is magical in its own right, if we are not careful we can take that day to day stuff for granted.

What’s on my mind today is manners. We go out of way to be polite to strangers, people at work, and kill ourselves trying to teach our children the concept of Please and Thank You. We all consider manners to be important, but does that hold true for your relationship with your wife?

When you ask your wife to do something for you, do you thank her after she’s done it? Do you try and watch the way in which you ask for things? Do you remember to say please? Do you apologize when you do something on accident or do you just expect her to know it wasn’t on purpose? You can talk to your kids till you’re blue in the face about how important it is to be polite, but what are they learning from your example?

This thought came to me today when my wife brought me my phone from the other room when I could have just as easily gotten up and retrieved it myself. Because I was working on the computer, I didn’t even realize she was already out of the room and I hadn’t acknowledged her effort whatsoever. So, to make sure she knew I appreciated what she did, I shouted “Thank you!”

The reason we show manners to people is because we want them to know we respect them, and because we want them to know we think they’re worth appreciation and politeness. If that’s true, then there’s no reason in the world why we should ever stop verbally appreciating and respecting our wives. Both at home, and out in public.

Thank you very much.

Momma's Boys In Marriage

2011-05-10T08:10:00.001+03:00

Sunday was Mother’s Day here in the states. It was a day to honor the woman who gave you life, raised you, and who is, for many of us, by your side even now that you’ve grown up, moved out, gotten married, and had children. There is a very special bond that exists between mothers and sons, but sometimes that bond goes a little far. Today I want to ask you a very important question:

Does your relationship with your mom have a negative impact on your relationship with your wife?

I’m not sure what it is, but there is often a very uncomfortable rift between mothers and their son’s wives. I think it has something to do with another woman taking care of her baby and not doing it in the way she thinks best, but that may be oversimplifying a complicated situation. Regardless, husbands often sit on the fence while a battle takes place between the first woman in their life and the current woman in their life. Wives are often left in tears because they’ve had their feelings hurt, their abilities questioned, their children used as leverage, and they’re mad at their husbands because they feel like they just sat there while their mom-in-laws walked all over them. If this sounds familiar in anyway, let me give you some very, very important advice:

Get off the fence and stay in your own yard.

When you signed up for this marriage gig, you told your wife that she was the number one person in your life. You told her that you were behind her come what may. You told her she was your best friend and that you’d do anything for her. But now, when your wife expresses her frustrations to you about your mother, you defend your mom. But when your mom expresses her frustrations about your wife, you don’t say anything. I also know of husbands who simply choose not to get involved in the “mess” and let their wives and mothers go at it.

Not cool, guys.

If I’m not making my point here, let me explain it to you practically. I knew of a mother-in-law who absolutely couldn’t stand her son’s wife whatsoever. It was so bad that she refused to visit when the wife was there, so for the “sake of the grandchildren,” the wife would leave town when the mom came to visit. In case it’s not clear, this is not okay. What this husband should have done was tell his mother that if she could not accept the woman he had married, than she had no business coming to visit. Tough call? Yes. But it’s the right one. If you don’t take the lead, your mom will.

If you are letting your mom dictate aspects of your marriage, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. You left home to start your own. If your mom disrespects your wife, you must stand up for her. You do not allow her to talk poorly about your other half. (And, along the same lines, you do not complain about your relationship with your wife to your mom when issues come up. Because your mom is always on your side, this will not help her relationship with your wife.)

A teacher of mine once advised that each spouse was responsible for their side of the family. If your wife is struggling in her relationship with your mom, it’s up to you to step in and settle it. In the same way, if your wife’s dad really can’t stand you, it’s up to your wife to lay down the rules of your household for him to understand. I think this is very good advice. It solidifies your relationship as a couple, and it shows the respective families that you are serious about living your life.

You can’t be a husband and a momma’s boy at the same time. That momma’s boy allegiance was supposed to be transferred to your wife at the altar.

Get it there.

Your Wife Is Not Blind

2011-05-03T08:02:00.002+03:00

For whatever reason, men seem to let their physical selves go after marriage. Husbands get sedentary and are fed three meals a day right around the same time their metabolism is really slowing down. For some reason, that’s just an acceptable place for men to be.

Our wives on the other hand, have a different battle, don’t they? Whenever our wives gain weight we think they should take control of it. They should go to the gym, they should “care” about what they look like. We often hear people say of women “She just let herself go” but we don’t really hear that about men. We joke about the growing spare tire and tell ourselves it doesn't matter because men care about the physical appearance of women more than the other way around. Though to a certain extent that’s true, I have a little secret to share with you today:

Wives want their husbands to be in shape too.

Yes, men are more visually stimulated than women when it comes to sexual attraction, but that does not mean that women do not enjoy looking at nice things. Sometimes we take our wives’ tolerance at the things she sees for blindness. She’s not blind. She would absolutely love it if you cared about your body more. Yes, she’s going to love you despite your ever growing belly, but that doesn’t mean she likes it there.

Do you take care of your physical body? Even if you just work out for twenty minutes every morning at home, your wife and your own body will appreciate you for it. And if you know your wife is struggling and feeling down about her own weight, encouraging her to work out with you is much more effective than telling her she needs to start working out.

When it comes to marriage, we don’t need to guilt ourselves into thinking that our spouse wants a perfectly chiseled model. Your wife wants a husband who cares about himself. Really, when it comes down to it, you are graded for effort.

Are you passing that test?

Are You A Mature Husband?

2011-04-25T17:32:00.000+03:00

There are certain things that a man will never be completely comfortable with. Things like buying tampons or panty liners, for example, or actual saying the words tampons and panty liners out loud. Going to the gynecologist with your wife is a strange experience for sure, and walking into a room while your mom and your wife are discussing how the two of your are “trying” to have a baby can be pretty awkward as well. What I want to say today is not that you need to grow up and be completely comfortable with these things, but that you do need to grow up and be mature about them.

Your wife doesn’t need you to freak out when she tells you she has a yeast infection, she needs you to listen. Your wife doesn’t need you to giggle like a fourteen-year-old if she says the word “vagina” in your presence. You are a husband now, her life is your life. Don’t like running into the store to buy liners because she started spotting earlier than she expected? Get over it and do it. Yes, it feels funny to be a man standing in the check out line buying feminine products, no one is denying that. But you’re not in middle school anymore, either; no one is going to point and laugh and say you’re a girl.

And speaking of what others are thinking, the ironic thing here is that the more womanly things you’re mature about with your wife the more manly you actually look. She appreciates being able to talk about sensitive issues with you, and her friends are impressed that you don’t run out of the kitchen with your hands over your ears when you hear the words “Pap smear.” By choosing the mature route you actually look more like a man in people's eyes than the other way around.

Like I said, it’s not that you have to feel comfortable with these things, but you must be mature about them. She needs a manly man, not a manly boy.

Do You Allow Your Little Girls To Dress Like This?

2011-04-21T08:27:00.000+03:00

Well I apologize for missing my Monday deadline. House guests will do that to you every time if you're not prepared. I'm actually heading out of town myself today, so I thought I'd break the routine and just share a link that really resonated with me that I read this morning.

It was an article on CNN titled Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps. Though I try to keep this site focused on the husband/wife relationship only (the kids add a whole different dynamic that merits its own blog), I couldn't help but agree with everything this writer was saying, and couldn't help but wonder what parents are thinking by pushing this industry of sexualizing little girls.

The last line in the article summed it all up wonderfully: A line needs to be drawn, but not by Abercrombie. Not by Britney Spears. And not by these little girls who don't know better and desperately need their parents to be parents and not 40-year-old BFFs.

This relates to marriage in that you and your wife are a team, and the way your kids dress should be a team decision. I'm not sure there are any fathers out there who are really into their little girls dressing like Britney Spears, but someone's allowing it. Is this a topic that needs to be talked about in your home?

If there are things to stand up for in your household, I'm saying this is one of them.

And The Winners Are...

2011-04-16T22:34:00.000+03:00

As was announced last week, I was giving away five copies of the book Stuff Husbands Should Know after my review of the book. As I mentioned, five winners would be drawn from the comments section using Random.org. Well, we actually only ended up receiving a total of five qualifying comments, so that makes everything a bit easier, doesn't it?

So for those first five commenters on the last post, send me your name and mailing address using the contact form and I will have Quirk Books send those out to you right away.

Thanks for playing everyone! See you Monday.

Is This Stuff Every Husband Should Know?

2011-04-11T18:10:00.000+03:00

This last week I was sent a newly released book to review by Eric San Juan called Stuff Every Husband Should Know. It was a short book that I finished while reading off and on throughout a single day. It’s published by Quirk Book which releases a lot of “Pocket Companion” books.

What I Liked
For what it was, I enjoyed the book. It was not written to be the end-all manual for husbands, but a fun overview of some common marital topics and a warning to the newly married man to avoid common pitfalls. It provided some genuinely useful “man” information such as “How to Choose Great Jewelry”, “How To Remember Things Men Don’t Remember”, and “How to Do Simple Wall Repairs.” It gave great ideas like “Six Great, Easy Dates” and “Five Great, Classy Dates”, as well as “How To Serve Breakfast In Bed”. And, it provided some good relational food for thought like, “Be the Master of One Meal A Day”, “How Not To Fight Over Money”, and “How To Make Decisions.” The chapters weren’t very long but generally provided some good information.

What I Didn’t Like
The book is written to be light hearted and funny which worked well when it was actually funny, but it was awkward and felt forced when it wasn’t. One of the first things that didn’t sit well with me (and actually caused me to tell my wife I didn’t think I was going to like it at all) was that the book seemed to be based on the idea that “Marriage is hard, so here’s how to survive” instead of “Marriage is hard, here’s how to thrive.” It seemed to find it’s foundation in the stereotypical husband jokes and work its way out of that muck, rather than start fresh with a message of hope. It felt like a book about dealing with marriage rather than a book about falling in love with marriage. Which, as any visitor to this site needs to know, that is a very important thing to me.

As with any book you read, you’ve got to pick out the bones, and one of the biggest bones I had to pick with this book was a chapter on how to manage one’s erotic materials. The idea was how to keep it safe and secure from anyone else including your wife if you weren’t already open about it. If there’s any message I want resounding from this site is that honesty in marriage is the key to a happy and intimate relationship. Porn destroys marriages, especially when it’s kept secret. Whether or not it’s common doesn’t change the fact that it’s dangerous. The irony to me was that the author often, when telling husbands to do hard things, challenged them with the words “You are a man, you can adapt. You can overcome any obstacle.” Aparently getting rid of an addiction to porn didn’t warrant that kind of admonition.

Conclusion
Since at first glance it looks as though I didn’t like this book twice as much as I liked it, let me say again that, for the most part, I enjoyed it. In all fairness that chapter on porn was a few pages in a book that was full of some good information. If nothing else, it all got me thinking about my own relationship with my wife, and even sparked some conversation. And that, dear husbands, is always a good thing.

Want A Free Copy?
I asked Quirk Books if they’d be willing to give out a copy or two to our readers, and they graciously offered to send five. So if you’d like to a chance to receive a copy of Stuff Every Husband Should Know, simply post your best piece of “Every Husband Should Know” advice in the comments below (keep in clean) by Friday, April 15 at 10pm EST. I will choose five winners using Random.org and announce them on Saturday. Only one comment per person, please. And sorry, but only U.S. readers are eligible.

So what is that one piece of husbandry advice you’d give to someone getting ready to be married?

The book is Available at Amazon in hardback and for the Kindle here.

Do The Romance And Affection Have To Fade?

2011-04-04T21:23:00.000+03:00

I’ve linked to the popular TreyMorgan.net before, and for good reason—the guy has a lot of good things to say about family, fatherhood, and marriage.

A couple weeks ago he posted an interesting article titled 9 Big Lies About Marriage that I thought was especially good, and I invite you to go check them all out for yourself here. One that stuck out to me particularly was number four on his list: “Romance and affection will always fade with time.”

I don’t know why we act like this is an inevitability in marriage. Yes, it’s true that with familiarity comes the potential for exciting things to fizzle, but it doesn’t have to be the case. Along with believing that lasting love is a choice you make every day, I also believe the same about romance and affection. If it’s died, it’s because you’ve made that decision.

Psychologists will tell us it has to do with the “thrill of the hunt.” You pursued her, you wooed her, and then you wed her. Why do we need to keep trying to capture her heart if we’ve already done it once? That’s simple: because her affection for you will fade over time if you don’t. Her heart will miss the chase. And it might just be that the reason you have that empty feeling in your stomach when you think about your relationship is because you miss the chase too.

So, hear this: Romance and affection do not have to fade.

In what ways can you keep the romance and affection alive in your marriage? Plan a date, kiss her every time you leave the house, kiss her every time you come home. There are a million different ways to romance your wife, just pick one, and then another one, and then another one, and watch those feelings from your dating days come back into focus.

Are You A Normal Sexual Male?

2011-03-28T06:00:00.004+03:00

Am I normal?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say that I don’t think I’m the only one who has ever wondered that. Specifically, wondered that about my sexuality.

When I was young, I wondered if I was the only one in the world who masturbated. After I was married, I wondered how my sex life compared to other “normal” people. I wondered if I was more obsessed with my sexuality than the average man. I wondered if other men wondered the same things that I wondered.

I recently read an excellent book on male sexuality called The Sexual Male by Dr. Archibald Hart. The book itself was based on some well-known sexual studies, as well as a personal study and clinical observations by Dr. Hart himself. What was different about this book was exactly who Dr. Hart was examining:

By design, I have used a select sample of men. It does not in any way represent the general male population. It samples males who, by and large, consider themselves to be religious and of high moral standards.

What was intriguing to me about this is that who he was analyzing could be considered the “typical” American male: upstanding citizen, faithful to his wife and kids, believes in God. Dr. Hart’s point was not to push a “Christian agenda” but to say, “Look, this is the ‘normal guy,’ and this is how he deals with his sexuality.” Dr. Hart said that he wasn’t interested in examining the extremes, he simply wanted to know how the average American male fit into all of this.

THE CONFUSED SEXUAL MALE
“Despite the sexual revolution, or perhaps because of it, men today are becoming more and more confused about this most primal aspect of their being,” he says. And I think most of can see this in others without trying. I think we might even be able to see it in ourselves if we spend five seconds and think about it.

Hart looks at all aspects of male sexuality, from early childhood to the married man. He talks about how many of us were failed with either no sex talk at all from our parents, or we got the sex talk but were robbed by only getting the facts. “Watching animals and hearing the facts of sex provide information, but they don’t help a boy, and later a man, understand the sexual storm that rages within.” I was particularly drawn to this idea. One concept he discusses was how when little boys ask about sex, they aren’t simply asking about the facts, they’re asking about how those facts affect their own lives. They’re asking how they fit into this whole sexuality thing. And, Hart says, many of our fathers failed us in this because they themselves still don’t understand it.

He says our oversexed culture has “neuroticized ‘sexuality.’ We have turned good, otherwise healthy males into compulsive masturbators and obsessional addicts.” As a culture we have lost control and we are forcing sexuality on children who don’t yet know at all how to handle the feelings and the desires. “Every male transitioning from childhood through adolescence to adulthood has to develop a system of self-control over his sexuality. It is alarming how few parents understand this. Many believe it just happens–leave it alone and it will take care of itself. True? Not at all.”

THE DANGER THIS POSES TO MARRIAGE
But Dr. Hart doesn’t simply look at sexuality’s impact on young boys. He spends most of the book talking about the relationship the average American male has with his own sexuality (the mean age of his study was 41).

“Sex, after all, is the most intimate form of human communication we know between the sexes, but it has its own language and expression. Unfortunately, men and women often speak different sexual languages, and this can spell trouble for a marriage.”

This is so true. I can’t tell you how often I receive emails from troubled wives expressing confusion, anger, and deep sadness over their husband’s confusing and often hurtful sexuality. These husbands have not yet learned how to communicate sexually. They have not yet learned how “sexuality can shape our fathering ability and enable us to nurture, build intimacy, and maintain our successful marriages. The man who just accepts his base sexuality for what it is and has no desire to purify any contamination within himself is robbing himself of an opportunity to really grow up. He will struggle through life carrying unnecessary baggage. He will be an incomplete man.” Disagree with him if you want, but I see this all the time.

LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS
Amidst all the research that Hart shares, his overarching theme seems to be communication. He states time and time again how important it is to not be an island when it comes to this sensitive topic. He tells men and women how important it is to have safe place for men to open about their sexuality. In fact, he says that many problems are directly related to secrecy which clouds male sexuality: “Sex is an excessively secret thing, involving too much intrigue and mystery. When anything is secretive, it has the potential to become distorted and even neurotic. It is in the soil of concealment that seeds of sexual addiction, anxiety, depression, compulsions, phobias, and disassociations are planted.”

The book was written in 1995, well before we were all using the internet, all the time. In discussing the dangers of fantasy and the addictions to pornography, Dr. Hart eerily predicts a time when we would use this new technology to escape from reality even more so than was already a problem in 1995. His prediction was right on, but I wonder if he really grasped the depth at which porn would integrate so seamlessly into our lives.

IN CONCLUSION
I highly recommend this book to those who want a better understanding of their male sexuality. I’d recommend it for those who’d like to really look at their past and understand why it is they relate to sex the way that they do. I’d recommend it those who are always wondering if they’re normal, and wondering how their sexuality compares to others’.

Though I read about this stuff quite frequently, write about here on iamhusband.com, and communicate with others about their own sexuality often, I was even challenged to examine my own past and come to terms with why I am the way I am in a few of these areas. It was eye opening for me to see how I fit into this “average male” lineup, and to ask myself why that was, and to ask myself if I saw areas in my life that I needed to change.

I’d also highly recommend this book to wives who want to better understand their husbands’ sexuality. Especially if you struggle with being completely turned off by your husband’s sex drive, this book my help you “humanize” him and sympathize with the struggles men have in the area of sex. Ideally, it’d be awesome if you and your husband read this book together. That way you can both discuss what you’re learning, and your husband can share with you exactly how he relates to what’s being shared in the book.

I’d like to share the table of contents with you below, just to give you more of an idea of what’s covered in the book. But again, this is a good one. I think you’ll like it.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Male Sexuality - The Untold Story

Am I Normal?

Why Male Sexuality Goes Wrong

How Men Think About Sex

What Men Really Want from Sex

Why Men Love/Hate Pornography

Teenage Sexuality

Sex and the Married Man

Men, Sex, and the Workplace

Religion and Sex

Creating a Healthy Sexuality

Do You Have A Husband Mentor?

2011-03-21T17:34:00.002+02:00

Men, for whatever reason, live on an island during trying times. When we get frustrated or hurt or are just simply lost, we retreat to a lonely place and wallow in our sorrows. If we do happen to open up to our friends, it’s only to complain. This is especially true when it comes to problems in the marriage. This is not healthy.

My question for us today is: Do you have a husband mentor? What I mean by that is, do you have a friend in your life whom you look up to as both a man and a husband who you can go to during times of trouble and frustration in your marriage?

Marriage is hard, and often we encounter problems we just did not expect or have no idea how to deal with. Why did she say that? Why is she upset about this? Is having sex ____ times a week normal? As we learn how to be married, and as we continue to encounter new stages in life (newlywed, moves, jobs, parents, parents of teens, etc.), it is extremely helpful to have someone to go to whom we can confide in, and seek guidance from. We unfortunately live in a time where we’d rather go to Google for marriage advice before we’d go to a man happily married for 25 years. We’ve lost faith in finding wisdom in our heritage, and find it in our cell phones instead.

Next time you and your wife encounter a problem, instead of going to your friends to complain about the “old ball and chain” everybody-loves-raymond style, think of someone you could go to who could actually contribute to you fixing the problem. Retreating to jokes about how nagging/condescending/demanding/confusing our wives are is not healthy for you, for your friends, or for those who look up to you (see my post Bad Marriages Aren't Funny).

Opening up about personal things isn’t easy because we feel that admitting failure is the same thing as admitting defeat (it’s not). Finding another husband who has been down your road before and lived to tell the tale is worth its weight in gold.

If you happen to have a friend who’s been a husband mentor to you, I’d love to hear an example or two about how that person positively affected your marriage.

Celebrate An Unofficial Special Day

2011-03-14T15:49:00.001+02:00

As I mentioned around this time last year, celebrating the day you and your wife met can be a great way to create something special between the two of you. Especially if you aren’t in the habit of celebrating this special day, it will be a very sweet surprise to show your wife that you remember such a seemingly unimportant day.

This doesn’t have to stop with celebrating the day you met, however. I was thinking about all the unofficial special days a couple can share together. Don’t just remember the days your supposed to remember (the days Wal-Mart reminds you of two months ahead of time). Do your best to celebrate off-the-wall moments you and your wife have had over the course of your relationship.

Here are a few I’ve thought up:

Celebrate the day you first kissed.
Celebrate the day you found out you were going to be parents.
Celebrate the day her parents said it would never work out.
Celebrate the day your wife completed something big. The day she received her Master’s, for example.
Celebrate an awful event that you both went through that you laugh at now. That vacation where every possible thing that could have gone wrong did go wrong. Let it be a celebration of the ability you both have to get through anything together.

If you’re having trouble remembering the exact date, just do a little research. Usually you can get pretty close if you just think about the events that surrounded that date. Was it summer or winter? Were you celebrating someone’s birthday? Whose? If you remember it was the first Saturday you had off that June, you can use the internet or even the clock on your computer to go back and see what date it was. If all else fails, ask for your wife’s help in a casual conversation and then record it for later.

Just think of the fun you can have with this. Tell your wife that you’re going to take her out on Thursday to celebrate an important anniversary with her. If it’s an event she hasn’t thought about for years, she’ll be racking her brain to figure it out. But all the while, she’ll be loving you for it.

Surprise her with remembering an off-the-wall (but special) date and your wife will be touched that you’ve made that day an important one to remember.

International Women's Day

2011-03-08T08:36:00.000+02:00

March 8th is International Women's Day. That may sound funny to hear in America as we do not officially celebrate such a holiday. However, March 8, 2011 marks the 100th year anniversary this day has been celebrated and is being recognized by more than 100 countries.

The Wikipedia article describes it as somewhat a mixture of Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. It's a day that men get to express to all the different women in their lives (wives, mothers, daughters, co-workers, etc.) how grateful they are for them. Personally, I love the idea of Women's Day and wish we did celebrate it in the states. I am so very thankful for the women in my life, and I believe that women deserve a special day all to themselves.

So, in honor of International Women's Day, I encourage you to celebrate the most important female relationships you have today. Do something extra special for your wife and daughters today. Unexpected flowers with a note about how much you appreciate having them in your life will go far. Telling them how much you value them as women and how much you need them in your life will be big. And telling them that you wanted to celebrate this special day even though your country does not will be a very sweet gesture.

Just think about what they'll tell their co-workers when flowers show up on this non-American holiday.

Do Things You Don't Have To Do

2011-03-07T07:00:00.000+02:00

After you’ve been married a while, you and your wife naturally fall into a routine. You both learn what each other likes and dislikes, and you both settle into your routines of who does what around the house. Getting into this routine is not necessarily a bad thing; with familiarity comes a routine, and there can be wonderful comfort in routine. But, in thinking along the lines of the key to woman’s heart being an unexpected gift at an unexpected time, one of the best ways to show your wife that you’re thinking about her is to do something for her that doesn’t fall within that normal routine.

Doing things you don’t have to do are always a big win in a relationship. You wife knows you don’t like going to the grocery store with her on Saturday mornings because it’s your only time to really rest. She’s okay with that, she understands, but she does love to do things with you like you both used to. So, what better way to break that routine of not going and do the thing you don’t have to do for the sake of showing your wife how much you care?

Consider some of these other examples:

Your wife hates to go clothes shopping by herself and has a few years’ worth of birthday money piling up. Since she knows you don’t like it too much either, suggest going with her one evening.
Your wife understands that you need to get back upstairs and start working on that report right after dinner, but show her that you really appreciate all the work she put into the meal by insisting on doing the dishes. Don’t take no for an answer.
You’re not expected to get the kids to their different activities since your wife always takes care of that. Offer to make the rounds and drop her off at a coffee shop for some reading time. Meet her back there for some good alone time together.
You enjoy going on date nights with your wife, but the planning always seems to fall on her. Surprise her this week with a very well-planned date night to show her that you don’t need her initiation to actually spend time together.

Doing something you don’t have to do always shows those around you that you’re really going the extra mile. Since it’s not expected of you to take that extra step, your wife will be surprised and appreciate your thoughtfulness. Showing her you still think about ways to help her out like you did in the beginning of your relationship will go a long way.

Can you think of any other good examples we husbands could reach out and do what we don’t have to do?

Avoid Making A Fundamental Error In Your Marriage

2011-02-28T10:17:00.003+02:00

Sometimes I come home later than I told my wife I would. I don't do this on purpose, of course, I just sometimes get caught up. And sometimes it's not even my fault. Sometimes there's a traffic accident, or I get caught in a really long line at the store. And sometimes my phone dies so there's really no way I can tell her.

My wife sometimes loses track of time too. Sometimes she says she'll be back at a certain time and she's not. Or we agree on a meeting place and she doesn't show for a long time. And when she does this, I wonder how she could be so thoughtless. I wonder why she doesn't care enough to give me a call. She is so selfish to not realize other people might be worried about her. Doesn't she know what's she's doing to me?

Sound familiar? Doing what I just mentioned is called a Fundamental Attribution Error. It's called that because it is a mistake (error) we all as humans (fundamental) when we incorrectly judge a person's character by their actions (a form of attribution). In short, it describes how we blame our personal problems on outside circumstances, but blame others' problems on their character. ("I was late because I had a flat tire. She was late because she has no respect for other people's time.")

And this happens all the time in marriage.

She's late because she's just getting back at me for what I said earlier (actually, a meeting ran late at work). He's ignoring me in the office because he hates to help with the kids (actually, no one can hear anyone from that back room). I can't believe he didn't answer my text (actually, the phone just died).

It's important we learn to recognize when we do this because understanding this common mistake will relieve a lot of angry tension in our relationships. If we let our attribution error go too far, we are ready to fight just as soon as our wives come home and before we find out that there was a five-car pile-up on the freeway. We create tension that doesn’t actually exist, which usually leads to a fight that actually does. The good news is that there is a much easier and simpler way to deal with these moments of frustration, and that is this:

Seek to understand.

Remembering this little sentence will do wonders in those moments of tension and confusion. It reminds you that your wife doesn’t actually hate you or do things out of spite. It forces you to remember that you both love each other and that there might just be a rational explanation to this unmet expectation.

It’s not easy to allow others the same forgiveness and grace we give ourselves, but when we do we fill our lives with so much more peace. Sure, be concerned when your wife is 30 minutes late, but make sure the first thing you ask her is “What happened?” and not “Do you know what time it is?” One question seeks to understand. The other seeks to instill guilt and creates an unwanted separation between you and your wife.

Seek to understand in love, and avoid this fundamental attribution error.

Let's Get This Thing Moving Again

2011-02-24T12:02:00.002+02:00

So I’ve been gone for quite a while. The last eight months have been filled with two job changes and two big moves. Though there were certainly down times I could have posted on this site, I just didn’t take the time to do it. For that I am sorry. I am very thankful that we still hover around 700 subscribers and see about 200 unique visits every day despite the lack of new material. You guys are great.

I recently read The Power of Less by Leo Babauta which was an inspiring book about simplifying your life and doing the things you really want to do. One of those things in my life is to have iamhusband.com be a thriving blog for men to come together and talk about being better husbands. I see this as a great need among men, especially in our society today.

Another thing he talked about in the book was how to successfully teach yourself new habits by making little goals instead of big ones. For example, if you want to start working out every day, don’t start with long workouts—you will quickly fatigue and move on to something else. The key is start small, then gradually work your way up. Commit to ten minutes of exercise a day for seven days. Don’t get excited and think you can do more; get your body in the habit of doing something easy, then gradually increase the work once it’s become a habit. I thought the idea was genius, and I’ve already applied it to a few areas in my life.

So the way I want to keep this blog alive is by committing to a smaller goal at first. I will write one new article for iamhusband every week. If I happen to write more than one in a week, I will still only post once a week so that this blog can publish new material consistently long term. Please keep me accountable in this. We’ll start on Monday and go from there.

Oh, and I still want your help with this site. I would love to get your post ideas, unique date ideas, questions, or even personal posts from you about lessons you’re learning as a husband.

Let’s get this thing moving again.

Do That Thing

2010-11-06T19:13:00.000+02:00

My wife and moved into a smaller place about five months ago and because of that, our closets are a bit cramped from the downsizing. Several months ago I had a great idea: I’ll take our extra suitcases and boxes of stuff we don’t need to an unused storage closet that I have in my office at work. We both thought it was a great idea, but it just never happened. Every time I’d go into a closet I’d see the crowded floor space or packed shelves and think, I really need to take this stuff to the office, but then the thought would leave as soon as I closed the door.

Until yesterday.

Every now and then when I do a little cleaning (like vacuuming the floor) I’m motivated to do a some big cleaning too. While attempting to vacuum our cluttered closet floor, I decided that now was the time to carry those unused space wasters to the car so that I could take them to the office on Monday. The whole job took less than fifteen minutes and our master bedroom closet instantly felt so much nicer. And then the all-too-familiar question came to mind: Why in the world didn’t I do this months ago?

We all have those little things around the house that need to get done, things we’ve noticed or our things wives have asked us to do. We often claim we don’t have time to get to them when in reality they’re not big jobs at all, and the time we spend on Facebook or sitting in front of the TV watching some Seinfeld re-run for the fourteenth time could have easily paid for the small task.

So what is that thing right now in your household? What is that something your wife has been asking you to get to for weeks and it’s just been sitting on the back burner? Is it hanging something? Fixing something? Buying a missing part for something? Figure it out, then go do that thing.

Bake Her A Chocolate Cake

2010-08-19T18:41:00.007+03:00

I don’t know about you, but my wife does all the cooking in our house. I will occasional help out in the kitchen by getting a simple breakfast ready or throwing some sandwiches together for lunch, but all that “real” food is wonderfully prepared by her. She is an excellent cook and loves to bake and, for the most part, enjoys doing it. So, for the most part, I don’t interfere.
One thing I like to do to “bother” my wife (all in fun, trust me) is to request desserts after dinner that I know we don’t have. We rarely have dessert in our house anyway, so after a meal I’ll say, “And now I’d like some ice cream please” knowing full well that there is no ice cream in the house. Lately, I’ve been requesting chocolate cake and each time my wife looks at me and responds, “We don’t have chocolate cake!”
So a couple of days ago my wife had a really long day. She had one appointment after another and I was feeling sorry that she wasn’t getting any time to breathe. I had some plans that evening (while she at another meeting) to hang out with a friend, but plans got cancelled. As I was pondering what to do with my evening, I had a crazy thought: “I’m going to make a chocolate cake!"
Now, I’ve never made a cake in my life. Everything about my experience said I shouldn’t attempt such a feat. But I was thinking about how tired my wife would be when she finally arrived home, and how much she loved chocolate, and about how excited she would be if she came home to chocolate cake made from scratch. So, I looked up a recipe for cake and icing on AllRecipes.com, made a run to the store, got what I needed and got to work.
The recipe said the prep time would be 25 minutes; I think I got the cake into the oven an hour after I started. It also instructed me to do two things I had no idea how to do. The solution? YouTube. The internet leaves us husbands no excuse when it comes to cooking in the kitchen. After I got the cake in the oven, I quickly prepared the frosting, then put the milk in the freezer so that it would be ice cold by the time she got home.
Everything turned out amazing. My wife walked in and was absolutely blown away that I had made a cake, and we enjoyed sitting down with each other and talking about her day. (I also made sure to clean up my mess and straighten the house before she arrived home.) It was a great way to surprise her after a long day, and through that one little surprise we grown closer together.
So when was the last time you baked your wife a chocolate cake? If you haven’t, I would highly recommend it.

Date Idea: Be A Tourist In Your Own Town

2010-07-21T01:57:00.002+03:00

It’s always interesting to me when you meet people who live in the same town as some well-known tourist attraction but say that in all the years they’ve lived there, they’ve just never been. And that thought of course leads me to the realization that there is a whole list of things in my own city that I’ve never experienced. Grown-ups just don’t get to take field trips as much as kids do.

I was reminded of this a few days ago when my wife and I visited a farmer’s market we had never been to before. It started making me think about all the cheap date ideas you could come up with simply by perusing a tourist website for your city. Or, get two dates for the thought of one: Plan a time to go to a local bookstore together, get a coffee and check out your city in the travel section. See what things other people say are the “Best Things To Do When You’ve Only Got 24 Hours In...”

Even if you don’t like museums, go spend time laughing at the funny paintings together. Check out where the best hiking trails are. Go see a show at the children’s theater. Go see that random “World’s Biggest Whatever.”

Go be a tourist in your own town.

Don't Pay Your Electric Bill, Get Closer To Your Wife

2010-06-07T14:00:00.004+03:00

Okay so I’m I’m only half-serious with that title—I think.

Tell me if you relate to this: It’s the end of the day, kids are in bed, it’s just the two of you up and...

you’re both on Facebook.

Or she’s watching TV in one room and you’re playing video games in another. No? Well, maybe I’m all alone here, but humor me.

I was just thinking the other day at how different marriages might be if we stopped devoting so much time to the the things that use electricity in our homes. We stay up late on the computer until we can barely keep our eyes open and then just crash next to our wives. Sexual problems in marriage are on the rise—please don’t tell me it’s because we’re up late on Facebook!

My wife and I were traveling overseas a couple years ago and stayed in an apartment that didn’t have a TV, a computer, or an internet connection. After we came home from dinner that evening, things felt wrong. There was no one to call or text. There was no e-mail or Facebook to check. No TV to watch. It was quiet, and it was just the two of us. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I just don’t think a situation like that should be awkward. But I’ll admit: It kinda was.

So what did we do? Well, for starters I brought a book on the trip and actually read it. (I too often say that I “don’t have time to read” but in actuality I’m just doing things that my culture-acquired ADD finds easier.) My wife was reading a book of her own and we enjoyed the intimacy of the silence and of being together. It felt good. It felt peaceful. After the books? We made love. It wasn’t very late so the two of us weren’t exhausted (read: better sex) and afterward we actually fell asleep at a decent time.

It’s a grand irony, isn’t it? Technology makes difficult things easier while simultaneously making simple things harder. And that ironic truth is affecting our marriages in bad ways. There’s not an app that can make your marriage better.

What am I proposing here? I’m not entirely sure. A “No Electronics” rule on a night or two of the week? Maybe. Setting specific times to sit and do nothing together? Possibly. I think I just want us to look at our relationships and see how much we’re paying the electric company to pull our marriages apart. And then take action.

So what do you think? How would marriage be different if you pulled the plug?