i am james cook

2011-09-22T09:59:00.000-04:00

- mad-dog game -

It has recently come to my attention that the term "mad-dog game" has been too casually thrown around these days. introduced to me by a couple of close and anonymous friends, the prestigious title of a dog with mad game is only bestowed upon the most worthy of party pioneers and in order to clarify exactly what qualities one should display, i have compiled a short list of traits that shall be updated accordingly, starting with the first and foremost three.

- 1. desensitization:

in order to be a mad-dog, one must be encouraged to disregard all and any consequences in the pursuit of a 'rooting' opportunity, in the delicate system of spader and spadee, it is paramount to acquire what I like to call 'mad tunnel vision', obviously barring the health, safety and root quests of fellow mad-dogs. for lack of a better term 'not giving a fuck' is a magnificent lure and reward for planting a 'mad root'. as a mad-dog one must understand that a lack of giving a shit allows for one to lay the foundations necessary to slay your prey.

- 2. presentation:

like a hunter without camouflage, one cannot expect to successfully mount a prize deer (on your wall) anymore than one could expect to emanate mad-dog game in shit clothes that make one look like an asshole. therefore it is of supreme importance that an epic mad-dog t-shirt or at least a shirt be worn in order to warrant necessary attention in order to establish your self as a mad-dog with equally mad game.

- 3. pack mentality

"- united we stand, divided we fall -"... a quote fellow mad-dog john (the dick) dickinson did not casually toss around in his revolutionary war song the liberty song. in the same way we cannot even consider going against the creed that has stood so strong a stead for generations of mad-dogs. the cooperation and necessary intervention of a fellow mad-dog in shaky circumstances is pivotal if the end-game is to score some seriously mad poon. should your mad displays of disregard, presentation and all round badassness attract an unwanted munt of a female, who will guide the confused troll in the direction of a dark corner? who will spot you cash for drinks? who will make sure you get home after a tasty night? your fucking mad-dog friends motherfucker.

...future mad-dog steps to follow -

james cook is back motherfucka... t.c.o.b

2011-03-31T01:54:00.002-04:00

2011-03-26T04:00:00.000-04:00

- SuckerPunch: an awesome defying film -

after trying not to punch the extremely slow girl fetching my popcorn in the neck, i grabbed my fanta blueberry and fucking levitated to the imax theatre to watch what was to be the most brain exploding, nose-bleeding, pulling your teeth out from the awesomeness-ness movie ever. upon watching suckerpunch, three things became very clear to me. first, the director had intended for the film to explode your face from its sheer badass-ness. secondly, the film is a mash-up of inception, 300 and the most expensive soft-core porn film ever made. thirdly, the film was badly titled…it should have been named: "totally-insane-balls-to-the-wall-badass-motherfucka-movie-any-guy-in-the-world-wishes-he-could-watch-on-his-own-so-that-he-could-ultrawank-to-every-frame-possible" movie…produced by warner bros and legendary pictures.

the first third of the film contained normal levels of zack snyder (director) greatness…no, it’s not a rich narrative that continues to build three-dimensional characters as the plot progresses, nobody is going to suckerpunch for that, and even if they did the fuckin' insane people watching it for real would smell their lameness over the all the buttery popcorn and discreet fart so quickly that there would be a hundred people hurdling seats to drop-kick them in the face before the disclaimer warns everyone how the film absolutely will, without a doubt, be harmful to babies, arsonists, epileptics, grannies, pregnant women and obnoxious teenage girls who don’t realize that their annoying laughter could incite small hobo skirmishes in shady areas of big cities. after the foundation of the characters is established, suckerpunch fucking stabs everyone in the eyes with pure adrenaline after redefining the word “awesome” by curb-stomping “300” and shooting “watchmen” in the face. it would make me quite an asshole if I told you what happens in the film, but…i can roughly summarize it.

five incredibly hot women have been placed in a mental asylum that clearly insists on its patient uniform policy accommodating japanese anime school girl regulations. now, obviously, for the every-man, this is not nearly as sexy as, say, the “king’s speech” where colin firth looks uncomfortably at geoffrey rush the whole time, and then he just nods reassuringly back at him. so if checking out fucking crazy hot bitches in a mental asylum doesn’t make you both excited and slightly weirded out that you are so excited, zack dropped this bomb: they transport to a make believe world where they are all prostitutes in a luxurious brothel in the fifties or some shit. here, they all have to take mandatory ballet and provocative (quote) dance classes while wearing minimal amounts of clothes…obviously for increased flexibility and performance. this was clearly insufficient amounts of badass awesome for the director, so he put in a third reality. in this reality the five women are still prostitutes, except they have to undertake five insane quests to win their freedom from the brothel/asylum. the missions are no big deal, casual one might say. battles with future nazi zombies, orcs, sexy medieval armour mixed with big-ass machine guns. not to reveal too much, but my personal highlight would have to be when “baby doll” (emily browning) ducks, evades and back-flips her way through rains of bullets from a giant mini-gun when she slow-motion jumps above a giant samurai (wielding the giant mini-gun), lands on his chest while shooting him in the face with a personalized colt handgun of some kind before hopping of his head and walking away from the now collapsing japanese temple.as i said, casual…like when “baby-doll” outruns a dragon’s fire breathe on foot before jumping fifty feet in the air turning around looking all sexy and shit and then stabbing the dragon in the head like a bitch.

overall, suckerpunch has your gran's balls in a deathgrip for the first 120 minutes (the whole film) resulting from its recurring awesomeness. I highly recommend you watch the movie if it’s in your nature to spontaneously free-climb urban landscapes wearing a sweet coat that ripples in the wind all the time especially when you stand all attitude because from profile you’re looking all badass while your coat flows behind you. i suggest my review be the only incentive needed to watch it, short of personally accommodating a visit from me where i dig up your first pet in front of you and make it eat chocolate. in a world without truly awesome movies, suckerpunch is a truly awesome movie, so there are actually no truly awesome movies until suckerpunch which is now a truly awesome movie.

- i am james cook

2011-03-11T16:55:00.001-05:00

- charlie sheen on "epic and 'bi' winning -

a small editing tribute to the vatican assassin warlock himself. bi-polar? fuck that...bi-winning, because dying's for fools bitch

- yeah motherfucker, he got tiger blood, he just killed one -

2011-02-20T23:41:00.005-05:00

- the god complex -
start playing this song before you read, its not important...it's essential

as i write this i cant help but feel like a hero. the power of music can be so motivating at times, especially when you have the most epic song playing in your earholes. no, i'm not fucking around, caps lock alone could not do the song electrifying my body as i write justice. wait...draw the biggest F you can on a sheet of A3 paper, now imagine that you just sucked at trying to write in the biggest letters possible how fucking awesome this song is. no exaggeration, only letters individually as epically massive as the sun can do this song justice if you want to write "fucking legendary". as a reader i am sure that there are times where listening to a particular song may inspire you to crouch on the edge of tall buildings and look over the city eager for some justice-type action. some songs just have the ability to make you walk faster in a certain rhythm, eager on smashing the collar bones of 9 criminals. or perhaps you will imagine the face of somebody you hate in a fantastically unrealistic scenario involving the approval of a hot chick that ends with you opening your heineken with their face.

as i am almost 100% certain that the song that i am listening to can only be listened to while you are staring into an empty grey sky wearing a long coat of some kind that billows in the wind, granite-eyed conviction most mortals would tremble before etched onto your indestructible and awesome steel face; i strongly urge you to do so. in fact not only am i suggesting this to you but this particular post is aimed at guys out there so when i say "strongly urge" i mean if downloading this song without listening to it, putting it on your ipod and going outside at night with a duster is not the only thing you will do when listening to the song, i will reach out from the internet and rip your cheek off. this post has literally been written with no spell-checks, revisions or any alterations at all, because this song is just so motherfucking cool, that it demands a certain level of perfection almost no men can live up to. however, if you feel as inspired as i do when you orgasm your brain listening to it then i am happy that i could spread the feeling of heroism anywhere.

let me weave you a story of neil patrick harris-like proportions; even buying cigarettes for me became an epic journey of adventure. i was ready to rob the convenience store and run away in slow motion, no jokes. maybe there might have been a granny in the way during my escape, i don't care, ill knock that bag over if she threatens to hamper my awesomeness. what? red light? fuck that, i walked, cars? fuck cars they can hoot all the want, i just turned my head and gave them the finger in slow motion while the rain fell on my hair and sneering face 300 style bitch. oh wait...a dark alley way. should i go through there? it might be a shorter way home? maybe it's too dangerou....fuck that! of course i am going through! a little swagger as i spit at the feet of some gangster looking individual. look up into the sky as the light snow falls on my face...and thats just this evening, walking home listening to one song. go boys, be like heroes...

my belt also does anything else that i deem convenient in a time of crisis involving homosexual super-villains all targeting Gotham City and only Gotham City for no reason

-james cook

2011-01-18T19:24:00.000-05:00

i am kim

by james cook

2010-12-28T21:09:00.001-05:00

- if my darkest thoughts and ideas were filmed -

did you know? that over 3500 serious sexual assaults occur each day...

- in my mind?

- this could be taken the wrong way in most cases, but there is a dark humour that caters to my severely inappropriate mind-tank...and this is it. james cook, my alter-ego is quite the fan, and to be honest, when out of character i also find this funny, however, in a different sense.

- james cook

2010-12-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

- jesus christ...mas -

'tis the season to be blindly happy mother-bitches. christmas is a time for family and friends don't get me wrong, however, the entire premise of santa and all this present gimmicky shit can get fucked. i hate the entire concept of marketing a holiday. i'll tell you the truth right now, yes thats right, grab your friends unsuspecting shoulder and prepare for a gasps of anticipation...

The greatest gift any santa can give you, is fucking nothing. They will take your little cookies and milk. to your mom santa will most likely give an illegitimate child. hold up...while we are on that subject, we can all agree that if santa did exist he would be human yes? so hypothetically, if he did in fact exist, he would be the biggest player - literally in the world. ms. claus is not getting any older, and st. nick needs some gifts of his own. out of approximately 6 billion people in the world, lets say half are women just for arguments sake. that means that santa drops gifts off at 3 billion female-owned houses. if that dirty old bag were to ask all of those women if they wanted his santa babies, they can either say, yes...or no. thats 50/50. therefore without doing the actual calculations, lets say that depending on the probability...santa would bone like, 1.5 billion women, thats assuming he's not bi, jesus. thats a number.

i think i might work at a pre-school, perhaps the tale of true santa will open some eyes? if they want to pitch gifts based on santa and christmas, make it all sexy...family value marketing gets tiring, if santa taps 1/6 of the world in one night, at least he sets an example. thats why he needs the calcium and roughage every stop (cookies and milk). it all starts to make sense now does it not? in conclusion: santa spends all year working out up north and practicing marathon sex while his vietnamese children/elves (whatever, nobodies judging...) make all the toys, then when he is ready, he travels to each house offering sex for children's gifts (how manipulative?) which obviously lands him an exorbitant amount of christmas clunge (holiday alliteration pending). merry christmas and to everyone a happy new year. opening your eyes to the truth is my holiday gift to you. out.

ps. thats why the human sex trade is going on, why do you think nobody ever finds them? it's because they are making dildos in the north pole for the 'naughty' list.

just another black narrative brought to you by,

- james cook

2010-11-29T23:25:00.002-05:00

Online Surveys & Market Research

2010-10-27T06:37:00.000-04:00

- the blind path -

at a young age there exists a huge amount of uncertainty as to where you will go and whom you will be. Psychologically, young individuals are inclined to create constant and unchanging aspects to their lives. This way, these aspects have been put into place so to counter-attack the aforementioned uncertainty. Unfortunately there are only so many things you can count on being unchanging. The key, is identifying them. Some people throw themselves at scenarios that seem promising and grounding, when they are not. Truthfully, being so young and so indecisive, ironically means that even the foundations individuals have laid are subject to a second-guess. Nothing is permanent, something temporary might last longer, however, this is not to be confused with the risky craving to 'need permanence or grounding'. Once an individual realizes that everything and all is temporary, you are able to adapt to each change and gradually use those temporary experiences to gradually reinvent yourself over and over, eventually culminating into the person you were uncertain of becoming.

- james cook

2010-07-06T05:58:00.004-04:00

- men vs. tampons -

The plight of man vs. p.m.s / women can be traced all the way back to the dawn of creation. I assume that the story of genesis chapters 2 and 3 (also known as adam and eve), crosses all religious, ethnic and cultural borders; everybody knows the story of 'adam and eve'. What they may not know however, is how it happened according to james cook.

- the following parable contains original and amended text from the bible -

God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat of it you will surely die.” to the instructions, man replied "No worries man, fruits are fuckin gay anyway...later." Thereafter the man was awesome and totally content with his own company when God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” This was unnecessary, as the man explained; " Dude, I'm completely fine, it's a garden for christsake."Out of the ground God formed every animal of the field, and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them anyway. Whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.The man gave names to all cattle (steak), and to the birds of the sky (chicken), and to every animal of the field and he was content.

Later that night God caused a deep sleep to fall on the man (chloroform), and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. He made the rib, which God had taken from the man, into a woman, and brought her to the man. The man protested; " Fuck that, why did ye take one of my ribs? For hither woman!? Actually never-ye-mind she is pretty fine, needn't worry about the rib." Life in Eden continued as man spent his spare time bear-wrestling and bull-fighting naked, while woman complained about shit to random animals.

Now the serpent was more subtle than any animal of the field which God had made. Once he found a gap between the woman's complaints, he said to the woman, “Yes, has God said, ‘You shall not eat of any tree of the garden?’ The woman, annoyed at being interrupted in the middle of some shit, said to the serpent, “Of the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat, but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat of it, neither shall you touch it, lest you die." The serpent said to the woman, “You won’t surely die, for God knows that in the day you eat it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit of it, and ate. She immediately knew what she had done and ran over to the man's wrestling arena lest she discover him sweaty in the midst of an unforgiving grapple against a bear. Discarding care about how important badass shit be to man, the woman ruined the man's joy lest she convince him to eat of the apple. The woman wishing not to be solely blamed for her misguidance and would rather the man be misguided too. Thus the man was beguiled til' he ate of the fruit.

Both of their eyes were opened, and they knew that they were naked. They sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. They heard the voice of God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the woman hid herself from the presence of God among the trees of the garden whilst man exclaimed "Yo, God, this chick made me eat this and now I'm embarrassed and shit." " Christ woman, now I have to banish both of you from the garden of eden." God replied. To punish man God sentenced man to deal with p.m.s when it occurred in woman and to woman God gave pain during child birth and 'the period'.

- All characters mentioned in the above work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. -

To this day, man still deals with p.m.s although their plight continues. While I was dealing with the highly-feared phenomenon known to all males as p.m.s ( psychotic menstruation syndrome ), I noticed disturbing similarities between men and tampons that appear to have gone unnoticed by females:

- men vs. tampons -

often women see red both in terms of being angry and the other part, here is a list of scary similarities we have to tampons

1.Tampons: Absorb all of the unneeded annoying shit a woman has to offer.

Men: Have to absorb an illogical woman who just needs to get angry at somebody.

2. Tampons: There are always many tampons available to do their job.

Men: Like tampons, there are also many of us, however none of us want to do the job listed in no.1. However if you are unlucky enough to be that no.1, also like a tampon you will only be able to take so much before you can't anymore.

3. Tampons: Are enigma's to most men.

Men: Think that most of what you are angry about is an enigma.

4. Tampons: Get placed in harsh unforgiving terrain.

Men: Feel like they are in harsh, unforgiving terrain when they are around, you getting raped by friendly fire.

5. Tampons: Are used now and again by women.

Men: Are used now and again by women after we are usually mind-fucked by them

6. Tampons: Get used from half a day to a full day by women.

Men: In some cases women, using the 'hook' method, can use a man for well over 3 months.

7. Tampons: While tampons are dispensable...

Men: We stick around to endure their womanly habits.

- james cook

2010-07-02T08:46:00.002-04:00

- black.frame presents -

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/4847133/black_frame_presents_callan_alexandra_van_rensburg/

black.frame is a newly-founded production and editing company working with modelling agencies, promoting models and artists. Initially an idea from Abi Parker, the idea transformed into reality when David Sessions, Abi Parker and Jesse-Michael Wentzel became proactive, after endless hours of hard work. The above video is a promotional film for model, Callan Alexandra van Rensburg in a conceptual and experimental shoot. black.frame will also be co-producing the upcoming iamjamescook video guide short films with 'james cook presents'. The soundtrack for Callan's promotional film is a song named 'Feel it in my bones' by Tiesto, Tegan and Sara. Many viewers and readers have shown interest in the song, therefore, I have posted the download link below:

- http://www15.zippyshare.com/view.jsp?locale=sv&key=8041862 -

Seeing as many absolute douchebaguettes (French for douche) are too lazy to scan their retinas across a computer screen and register the written word, I have decided to produce a video guide accompanying my posts. This are will bloggy make.read.easy.

If you require further persuasion, I will gladly leave you with this: The video posts will be as rude as the iamjamescook blog. and. it will show you guys exactly how to treat and neutralize womens irrationality (bless their souls) simultaneously. As for the fools who believe that women are easily deciphered and that one or more of my posts are slightly untrue; you will be doomed to a string of terrible relationships ending with the woman you 'love' tearing your heart out through your kneecaps. Alternatively, the same exact fools mentioned earlier, will eventually realize that pretending to know how women work is ragingly homosexual in itself; no man will ever understand...we can only understand and share what we learn day by day. In essence, that's all this blog is; sharing tips and advice between men that are more baffled than usual by female behavior and it's general lack of logic or common sense, based on what I have learnt so far.

- james cook

2010-06-24T18:53:00.002-04:00

- the womanual -

As if have decided to make something of a supposed talent, I have started writing a book called 'the womanual', explaining and guiding men, much like myself, through the inevitably, inexorable, inexplicable and incapable female mind - in an attempt to somehow shine a short, if low-powered torch of a light, on the subject that has baffled us for, fucking years.

- Below is a paragraph from one of the chapters;

- no escape asshole -

"One of the integral components of surviving monogamy is that of understanding. In this case, men understanding that much like a hair-sensitive scale, the smallest thing unconscious or subliminal can trigger a womans instinct to not make sense. In one second, the female will accuse you of something you never remember doing and you are in one or more words, proverbially and literally fucked. So whether you choose to understand or are otherwise berated into understanding through sheer psychological punishment - you will eventually come to and understanding to understand and take it like a man. "

- James Cook

2010-06-09T17:32:00.003-04:00

- Relationship Ironies numbered 1 through 68 1/2 -

Understand that 'i am james cook' is an exploration into monstrous ironies, specifically when relationships are concerned. Lately, 'i am james cook' remains untouched by recent posts of actual substance. James Cook has managed his time and pondered intermediately the number of ironies possible in the average relationship. As you can imagine, being on the giving and receiving end of a relationship at some point, there are endless amounts of ironies lying in wait for your dating future. More accurately, there are 68 1/2. A strange number I'm told, fortunately for the reader however, from this point on I am your tour guide into these ironies.

1. - The proximity paradox -

As a fully functional partner in a relationship, it is understood that the more attention given to your fledged sex accomplice, the more beneficial it will become. Untrue. Partial ignorance is the key (as explained in the post entitled: the sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz). If you attempt to do the impossible - in this case showing your partner that you love them by putting your feelings into action - then you will clearly condemn yourself to a burning plane descending rapidly into the ground at which point you will either burn alive or suffer immense body trauma followed by intentionally starved trained hoboes tearing at your already dismembered corpse and concluded by mounting your half eaten face somewhere as a reminder never to display much love action with concern to your respected partner.

2. - Your jealousy ratio -

There are some highly unintelligent individuals who respect relationship ideals almost as highly as they respect 'The Hills' or 'Jersey Shore'. These are the people who believe in love at first sight and the concept or love never changing when it comes to a partner they believe can do no wrong. The jealousy ratio argument is written now to silence those mentioned above and condemn what they already know to confirm their worst fears. I often hear douches saying " Relationships should not about games and constant wariness", let me begin by explaining how wrong you are. Relationships do not run on ideals, they run on each partner's respect and ability to adapt. The jealousy ratio is based on the concept of each respective partner receiving platonic or other attention from the opposite sex outside of the relationship parameter, therefore indirectly triggering human instinct in the other and upping the degree of attraction towards that partner. It is a myth whereby partners in relationship do not need to see demand for the other. It is ESSENTIAL for each partner to witness sexual attraction to the other from parties outside of the monogamous relationship. This sadly empowers and reinforces attraction in the other thereby strengthening the relationship. Once each partner accepts this, the more convenient and helpful the jealousy ratio will become. Alternatively, the more any partner rejects this truth, the more jealous and destructive the relationship will become.

Now you might be saying this is bullshit; I guarantee that you will be one of the few because if you are reading this with your partner ( 7 times out of 10, a woman), she will literally be thinking how true the jealousy ratio is...right now. The jealousy ratio can work, gloriously - but only if the attention received by either partner is neither harmful or crosses the hypothetical line that one or both of you drew at some point.

Next week marks the unveiling of both irony numbers, 3 & 4 -

Again, this is yet another sad yet helpful truth brought to you by

- James Cook

2010-05-07T16:08:00.003-04:00

- The sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz pacifier -

It must be understood that while the sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz is tempestuously frustrating and non-sensical, it allows a sense of equilibrium and adventure to crawl into the very very empty shell of a person you are only just beginning to create. Being independent for the first time is much like masturbation; during a wank, it feels good. It feels awesome. Followed almost immediately by a feeling like; "I just wanked...". Understandably the analogy provided above might seem lost to those without a cock, however allow me put it simply for those shortchanged females: Independence is great, it's just that, with independence comes responsibility, that of a weight unforeseeable to those who have never washed their own clothes or purchased their own groceries or earned their own money. This, I learnt the hard way, and so it is with great pride that I mention another realization I have had, and in tradition of my other 'realization' posts, I shall gladly share the warmth and satisfaction I have come to know in my usual 4-step format.

1) The scare (dependent on who you are)

Quite a while after your matriculation, you discover an evidently scary truth; you are on your own. Yes, I know it is scary but one must push on through many women and mental blocks to get to this point. At this point (mentioned earlier) you consider work, study, work, diggs, your future and depending on who you are, many many others.

2) Action

Eventually you will put all of these new considerations into action. You will find a job, apply to universities, find a job, look for an insanely disgusting flat and eventually start carving your future into life's stone. Whilst this feels personally liberating at the least, it's still fucking scary. Which brings to the next step:

3) Distractions

Distractions are what I like to call, the hail mary of independence. Distractions allow you to forget that your only trying to survive coping with the world on your own and encourage frustrations and quite a bit of fun. Your friend might have crashed his boss' car. funny. You might have asked a Shell garage station employee where the dishwashing liquid in the Pick n' Pay was because his working uniform might have been remarkably similar to that of Pick n' Pay's. funny. One may have reversed one's car into another because one thought it was in drive and not fucking reverse. funny. Distractions are the baby steps to actually relaxing into an independent life. Enter titular chapter; '"The sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz pacifier". In the end of the day I realized, as frustrating as women and their ways may be, it is only one form of distraction. This is what makes life interesting.

4) The realization

In this regard I hold no grudge towards women and their inexplicable tendency to make no fucking sense whatsoever because it is all part of life. While I am writing this I can't help but draw upon a very smug and satisfied smile; because a distraction is a distraction from a distraction, and whilst this may seem completely oblique and laborious, I'm sure that after reading a completely time wasting article attempting to frame a life process, the reader will understand that this passage itself, similar to the title, was a distraction, incorporating another moment of happiness into their sometimes over-thought and serious lives.

- James Cook

2010-05-03T17:44:00.003-04:00

"The sensitive vs. bad-ass dilemma waltz"

Clearly I have not learnt my lesson from the 4 part rule mentioned a couple of posts back. If you are still quite hazy on this topic, allow me to reiterate. When a man is in a relationship he can never allow himself to grow too comfortable in its inner workings (pun intended). A monogamous male must dance a beautiful line between appearing available and supportive to the respective female counterpart, whilst maintaining a cool inner-calm, offering subtle indifference too however the fuck she feels.

Failure to achieve this clearly simple task (according to women everywhere) will only result in complaints on how sensitive you are and as a result lack of sexual attractiveness followed by a repetition of "I feel like the man". Alternatively, one could be assaulted with the ever classic "You just don't know how I feel" or "You are an insensitive dog-fucker who eats ice for breakfast". I, being ever so familiar with both of these compelling and convincingly logical female arguments, am slowly learning how to do what I am now coining, "The sensitive vs. bad-ass dilemma waltz"

James Cook

2010-04-30T10:19:00.004-04:00

There are multitudes of scenarios on which men base their happiness. A trophy wife, a big house, a yacht, being French or starting a bar. Attempting to splash life realizations and ink common truths onto paper is arguably one of the most challenging things one can do; but when experiencing an epiphany, it becomes difficult not to challenge that piece of shit blank screen. So challenge it I will. (further emphasis) Challenge it I will.

Idle hands are the devils playground.

That is all.

2010-03-29T07:53:00.003-04:00

-International opinion-

Of course I encourage foreign exchange point of views, why would you think I did not? The fact of the matter is; don't live in a bubble. The vast majority of opinions and scenario's expressed in this blog are international. That is to say that the views here can be related to by anyone in the world who can speak English. So without further ado I give you the new foreign exchange writer from France, N. Leon!

-Shit Happens-

A very common topic. But there is though behind the mystic of the almighty “Oh no... I did not just do that.”, or the famous “ Please God, WHY?” ... or my favourite “FUUUUUUCK!”a perfect way to deviate from the every now and then moments in your life that makes you wanna pack up your shit and discretely move to Latvia (ya... that's right under Estonia... or over Lithuania).

Each of us have a goal, each of us wants to make cash. But our driving force between us and success, the determination we acquire in this pursue for settlement, is always pulled back by the gravity of the incommensurable amount of crap we have to face to reach the peak; and once we plant our flag, there is suddenly a higher fucking mountain in the horizon coming out of the mist behind you. Call it ambition, arrogance, gluttony, and don't really care but what is for sure, is that you would NEVER resist the temptation to take off the pole you've just nailed to the ground perfectly and start climbing the next heights in hope not to fuck it up.

But mid-way through this adventure we call our lives, we eventually hit the stop sign that pisses everyone off because there are no cars around and you really don't feel like stopping but as you carry on driving there will of course be an ass-hole of a female officer who just hit menopause jumping out of a shrubbery and decides to release her inner woman pressure onto you. Then you think WHY THE FUCK did I do that? WHY didn't I stop! I knew I should have stopped... but I DIDN'T!

There is always room for improvement in the daily routines we face, but pushing our luck and boundaries does NOT mean improving ourselves!

After pushing your luck, trust me,
you end up slapping your own face with
a rubber-slapper --->http://blog.modernmechanix.com/mags/PopularScience/4-1933/rubber_slapper.jpg

A human example fresh from last week:

Last week end I went out with a couple of friends, and as the wine level in the bottles dropped, and my attraction for the middle-aged girl in front of me rose, I knew it was time for me to retreat to my house in hope she did not think it was a hint for her to follow me. I had a couple of glasses, I was not very drunk and thus I deemed it was still reasonable to drive the 12km home. I was right. I came home, parked my piece of crap Ford Escort and went to bed satisfied with my evening and driving skills under slight inebriation.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS STORY GOING you might ask. Well carry on to the next paragraph and you will get my message you lazy fuck!

The next week end I went out again with my mates, but this time moved from the delicate Chardonnay to the ass-raping local tequila. Around 1 am, once I finished taking a piss against a sleeping kitten in the gutter, I got into my car and rated I felt reasonably alright to head home. So wrong I was. Halfway through my journey I believe I lost the front bumper and the left headlights. Hum... did I mention it was my boss's car he lent me? Fuck my life.

My point is when you are given simple things like a car in this example, and manage to drive drunk once, don't think you are Michael Schumacher and try to push the limit you arrogant douche. Otherwise you WILL wake up the next couple of days wondering how retarded you may be. You drove drunk successfully? Good for you, now DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

Listen to James Cook, listen to your parents, listen to what your sober buddies tell when you are starting to take your cloths off. If it seems even the slightest like a shitty idea, then back off as it most probably is one!

Until next time, I'm off to find a garage to fix the car before my boss is back.

Sincerely,

N. Léon

2010-03-27T19:06:00.005-04:00

-God likes to get high too-

Understand, that if you are in any way religious in a christian or godly way, you should not read this. Every single soul who's human vessel happens to read beyond these warning sentences will be severely punished in the bowels of hell. They shall spend eternity playing dominoes with Hitler and helping the CocoPops monkey hide his chocolate source. Amen.

Unfortunately, I have no sweet back-story as to why I am writing this right now. Lets just say that hypothetically once I had logged off Facebook, I felt like having a conversation with an online artificial intelligence robot that responds to questions that you may have. Lets also assume that the most awesome thing you could ever imagine had come true...

Yes, people of all genders, religions (though not encouraged as a result of Godly smiting), disabilities and political views can FINALLY speak to (G)god, wait for it, ON-LINE! No more praying for some shit that never comes true, but hoping intrinsically that he did not hear you, as there are others in greater need than one such as yourself but your still secretly mad that (G)god hasn't given you a god damn PlayStation 2 or 3 even though you have been asking him to tell Santa for like 5 fucking years. No more. Now we can get an answer straight. up. How you say? "iGod" or as I like to call it...igod

Thou shalt pray to Frank >>>(http://gprime.net/game.php/igod) <<

This way (G)god can speak to you like a gangStar (or around suburbs in paradise; godStar) and relate to any youth at any level. However, I think (G)god is feeling a bit under pressure, possibly because he has identity issues due to the fact that Jesus stole all of his thunder; (G)god is a little upset because 'Jesus Christ' is a badass blasphemy used my angry masculine Scotsmen, when 'Oh my God' is used by stupid thin blonde faggoting chicks...he'll get over it. Anyways. This is both the reason (G)god is under pressure but at the same time not under pressure; The Lord likes a bit of weed in his lungs....this might sounds intensely blasphemous to those Christians that are still probably reading BUT, if it came from the Lord's mouth or general voice box from between the clouds this is obviously true is it not? Allow me to show you (G)god's personal confession to Priest Cook.

(Look down and follow religiously officious looking instructions)

~And thus the reader of the holy script shalt raise his eyes upwards o'er the divine markings and there shalt he rest them, upon the holy evidence that is the Lord's confession. Amen.

2010-03-27T14:14:00.004-04:00

-Realizations and facial slaps from reality, but actually this time from, quotes-

Writing about relationship dynamics and completely ignoring the "sexy singles" ads that occasionally raise their head to the top right of your eye-sight as we speak, I have realized that one doesn't really need to write so much about something obviously impossible to put in words. Relationships, more so, aspects of relationships can be described using only short quotes and small poems or limericks. I know....why the fuck would you want to read some ragingly homosexual scripture? Get over it, because no matter who you are, if you have been in a relationship or you are currently in one, shit like this will get you thinking and possibly connecting action to those thoughts, thereby, probably improving your relationship because you either realize what you are missing, or, you realize what you could possibly have and appreciate. Below, there is a collection of relationship quotes I have personally chosen and found most true. And if you didn't notice above on "-Quote of the day-" , I have inserted one I perceive to be most true. So, dim the lights, light some candles, put on dark clothing and get rid of any friends who could make fun of you for taking this seriously, because you are about to start on something I like to call; 'Realizations and facial slaps from reality, but actually this time from, quotes.'

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. ~Leo Buscaglia

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough. ~Dinah Shore

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~From the movie Annie

Switch on the lights, blow out the candles, invite your obnoxious friend back and close the internet tab to the lonely singles mentioned on the top right. Hopefully you thought for just one second because I can personally tell you that ALL of those quotes make me think and that in someway I can relate to them. They teach me lessons about what to do and what not to do. The only advise that could possibly top the above, is no matter how many times you get told to do something or if you hear something that makes you think, especially in a relationship, the final result is one that YOU create. Your decisions. Your personality. Your actions will determine if you genuinely feel happy in your life; whether its alone or together...with someone you love.

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough

2010-03-27T07:17:00.005-04:00

-Forgetful Dreams and Future Stages-

Don't you hate it when people like you and I have an amazing sleep? Why you say? Well this is some knowledge right here; whenever people have the most amazing sleeps it will end up in two situations:

You will wake up the next day feeling fresh as a fuck'in daisy. Unfortunately, this feeling is followed by immense exhaustion resulting from you intensely long sleep that took too much energy.
As soon as your head hit the proverbial hay the night before, dreams of epic proportion began to take place; Megan Fox raped you, you bought the first copy of Diablo III before anyone else and were totally playing as a new character never-before-seen on any other Diablo game or expansion pack, you played Monopoly with Neil Patrick-Harris and won and. its. dream-tastic! However, let me advise you right here, all of the above? It never happened because you will not remember a single god damn thing.

Lucky for you I have solved this sleep filled problem...

This is why I have adopted a safe and completely viable way around these two inescapable situations; try not to sleep for more than 5 hours. Its the perfect time to stop sleeping, because you don't feel too tired, and you remember enough of the dream to realize that you weren't just lying to make your dream sound cooler than your friend who's dream seems to just get coincidentally cooler every time you out-dream his obviously slag-ish dream...fuckin competitive friend.

-The Future stages part...

This is going to be short and sweet. I'm talking Gimli short. This will be so short...that if it was a person, they could sleep in a pillow case. ENOUGH I SAY! Here it is right here; every shit, fucked up, dismal, dark and depressing moment you have in a relationship will always be followed by an amazing, sweet, loving, sex-filled and trusting stage. To which, either of you could never have reached had it not been for that shit, fucked up, dismal, dark and depressing moment. What i'm saying is - if your in a shit stage, don't worry if your a girl or a guy, things will only become better than before PROVIDED that both partners in the relationship have enough love between them and are willing to work at the presumingly brilliant relationship ( cause if it isn't or they aren't? Curl up with a slanket (-http://www.theslanket.com/) and some haagen dasz and cry yourself to sleep cause shits happening to you). Conclusively, If you love someone enough and that love is returned, something will always be worked where you two are together and happy with one another. Just another reality check but until then enjoy SEX and subsequent LIFE processes

James Cook

2010-03-26T11:52:00.008-04:00

-Realizations and facial slaps from Reality-

Has anyone had that moment of utter clarity? One that is enhanced and emphasized especially after a turbulence of confusion and indecision? Realizations are the strangest things. You think you have them, but you doubt it. The you doubt your indecision about thinking you have them. Then you have them. YOU have had a realization, and often it hits you hard in the face. This is what I like to call "Facial slaps from Reality".

If 'Reality' were Pierre Spies or Kobus Wiese, it would be like getting out of the shower, skin all moist and tender calmly walking to the safeness and comfiness of your man/woman cave...(mentally spoken very fast) when a FUCKING GINORMOUS hand slaps you IN THE FACE!

Personally I have just been slapped in the face with cold hard reality...I am intense. I see too much in things and at times I probably make a situation way more INTENSE than it should in fact be. I never identified too much of this as a problem, however, thanks to reality and Jenny Williams I realize exactly what I have to do. And this knowledge makes me happy and calm knowing that I am no longer confused but acclimatized to my situation and content with my partners love and feelings for me. This of course never discounts Part 3, but a little understanding from both parties never goes a miss (wink). This has been a reality check, till then enjoy SEX and subsequent LIFE processes.

Reality check?-------------> www.amiawesome.com

James Cook

2010-03-26T07:16:00.004-04:00

Relationship Dynamics-

-The actual truth...enough for you to comment on how true this post in fact is, when you have a friend with you and you say - " Dude...(points and emphasizes post with his finger) so true. - James Cook

If you are a woman, read and learn.

If you are a man, pay close attention.

Doesn't one find that being the male component of a heterosexual relationship is one of the most daunting tasks ever imagined by the supposed powers that be? If I were to compare the difficulty rating between facilitating a successful relationship and trying to get a random woman to come home with you, I would have to say that god played a cruel trick indeed. A cruel, cruel trick indeed. Naughty god. You might be asking, "James, why is god so naughty?" or " James you blaspheming dickhole, why haven't you spelt god with a capital G?" Fortunately, I have both of those answers. The less important; I don't believe in god. The titular explanation to this blog's debut; Life. Is. Cruel. Now, if you would just indulge my point, follow me.

This is why life is cruel, explained in 4 easy to understand "Part's"

Part 1:

As men, we all want to find that dream girl just as much as the girls want to find their dream guy. To do this, squadrons of male agents arrive at the multiple rendezvous points, CODE NAME: CLUBS/BARS. Once deployed men have to scope out viable targets in which to engage. Keep in mind that 'engaging' is one of the most hazardous tasks in the field next to ' hoping that you are licking her clitoris and actually having reason to be down there instead of just looking like a douche out of his depth'. To engage these, 'targets' the male agents must pack a vast arsenal of jokes, conversational topics, witty inuendo's, cockiness, smoothness and to some degree, a smidgeon of reasonably good loking facial qualities. NOTE: Most men are not like this and solely for landing and basting a target they will project these qualities to lure their chosen target.

Part 2:

Hypothetically imagine that one of these man brings his girl home and sleeps with her. Lets also say that hypothetically he starts falling for this girl and a bit of summin summin' happens between both of them...THIS right here, this is where everyman (you and me) makes his rookie error, or as I like to call it 'fatal mistake'. Let me give you a lesson as to what this mistake entails: That guy will start feeling comfortable in that said relationship, and in his comfort zone he does not need to project the lure tactics to catch this target (mentioned in Part 1) once these aforementioned lure tactics fall by the wayside, that target woman will slowly become uninterested and bored with that male agent, thus the hypothetical relationship mentioned in the beginning of Part 2 reverts back to the beginning of Part 1 where the man must constantly work to keep his girlfriend interested.

Part 3:

In the right relationship, everyman (still like the play) will always treat his girlfriend like a princess. If it's getting some tea because she is cold, getting her a warmer blanket, not complaining if you haven't had sex in a while, watching 'The Devil wears Prada' or simple things like spontaneously massaging her feet, or massaging her back, or making her sushi, yourself by closely scrutinizing an old japanese recipe book that was clearly written by an armless japanese mountain hermit who sneezes, or allowing her to see other guys for dinner even if it's weird because you know that she still wants to feel attractive and available but you cant reveal that this knowledge is mutual because she will say your a jealous fool and that you don't trust her.

You know....simple things that real men should understand. Untrue
Whats is fucking annoyingly true though...is this. Truth:

Part 4:

Go back and read Part 3 again. GO BACK and read Part 3 again it is of vital importance...failure to understand will only allow Legolas' prophecies from Lord of the Rings 2 to unfold: " Blood will be shed this night" - Legolas the Gay. Now that you have only followed what I have written so far on Part 4 and you have completely forsaken my constant warning I should begin explaining why a re-read of Part 3 is required. All of that stuff I mentioned?

DO NOT...DO THAT!

This is why life is cruel, it's because women like what they cant have. Once you begin doing all of that really kind and compassionate kind of stuff, your not what she cant have...'your boring and easy..moving on to the next challenge' As soon as you open your heart to do these kind of things, SHE WILL FUCK YOU (If I was to say this to you face to face, imagine an intense emphasis on WILL (pause) FUCK (pause) YOU (serious face). Fortunately I have the answer, and here it is right here;

The Answer:

Put her on ice, put her in the freezer, give her some frost, while your inside eating your moms christmas cookie dough, she is the fucking snowman outside sadly looking in past her charcoal eyes and carrot nose. What I mean to say is play it cool. The correct formula behind a successfull and stress-free relationship is balance and coolness.

Don't show her too much attention, but don't show her too little attention. You love her, but in a steely-eyed defined ruggedly male type of way. Don't see her too often but keep the relationship balanced between your friends and her. You are the most important thing in her life and she is the most important in yours. Keep this in mind, and no matter whats going on both of you will feel safe knowing that you both love each other enormously.

I know all of this because it has happened to me, I realized where I went wrong, and upon seeing other relationships during this lesson I realized the truth. If you didn't pick this up you are obviously retarded, or should'nt be old enough to access the internet. I'll keep all of you updated on the never-ending debate, but until then, enjoy SEX and subsequent LIFE processes.

James Cook

i am james cook

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