iBLONG

Secret Love Affair

2011-11-23T00:33:00.001-07:00

Riding in the big green van, 2 kids, 1 sight impaired husband, mom half asleep at the wheel, stereo screaming, "B I N G O..and BINGO was his name...o!" Conversation consisting of the following:

"Mom, guess what?"

"Mom, did you know that trains go fast?"

"Mom, why does the equator split the earth in half?"

"Mom, I have to pee!"

"Mom, I have to go pee, again."

"Mom, Riley is annoying me."

"Mom, S..... is annoying me!"

Just a few reasons, why my love affair is back, and in full swing.

Riding in the old red truck, no kids, no husband, no conversation, mom still half asleep at the wheel, stereo screaming, "It's my life...now or never, I ain't gonna live forever!," and "Have a nice day!" Lovin my Bon Jovi!

My life has been like a screwdriver the last 6 months, constantly turning...and going nowhere. Somehow, I have gotten lost in the turning and chaos, but I have found myself in my old red truck.

Nineteen-years-old, and I bought my first new truck, put every mile on it, and even bought it without knowing how to drive a stick-shift...learned that day, in fact. I was living away from home, no mom or dad to lean on. I was finding myself, learning who I was, no ties to anyone. It was awesome. My truck takes me back to my freedom days, my younger days, my carefree days! I found me again, in my beat up, beautiful red truck.

Lately, I have been an office assistant, daycare provider, foster mom, Halloween Sales Associate, Wife, Guide Dog, Negotiator, Taxi Driver, Counselor, Maid, Teacher, Leader, Friend...where did I go?

There is something magical in an old truck, and I love it, I can be at a red light with a huge 2011 Dodge Ram next to me, and I don't envy him a bit-not even the shiny coat of paint, cause I have memories in my old truck, it is paid for, it never breaks down, and there is nothing like driving an old truck down the road, shifting into fourth gear. Nothing like it...unless you have the radio blasting, because that is a must!

I have many memories of squeezing into my dad's old yellow Toyota, the feel of the scratchy sunburned seats, the dusty smell of a long overdue dashboard cleaning, yelling at my brother or sister to stop sitting on me, and going through the ruts of mud in the canyon, or simply feeling the breeze on my face sitting in the bed of the truck. Or, memories of my Grandpa's old Chevy with the 8-track tape deck, and the old cowboy hate hanging in the back window with the gun rack, and the smell of pink mints that Grandpa used have in his pocket or mouth at all times.

How could I not love sitting in my old red truck and remember who I am and where I came from....simpler times, life is crazy, and I wish I could slow down, but I step right into my love affair on my way to work everyday.

Happiness is...

2011-11-12T18:07:00.001-07:00

Fifth grade choir group, and I still get this song stuck in the old brain from time to time. There isn't any better time to be reminded of this than now, for me anyway. Takes me back to my childhood.

Happiness Is

Music and lyrics by Clark Gesner

From the Movie "Your a Good Man Charlie Brown."

Happiness is finding a pencil.
Pizza with sausage.
Telling the time.
Happiness is learning to whistle.
Tying your shoe for the very first time.
Happiness is playing the drum in your own school band.
And happiness is walking hand in hand.
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream.
Knowing a secret.
Climbing a tree.
Happiness is five different crayons.
Catching a firefly.
Setting him free.
Happiness is being alone every now and then.
And happiness is coming home again.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and night time too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you.
Happiness is having a sister.
Sharing a sandwich.
Getting along.
Happiness is singing together when day is through,
And happiness is those who sing with you.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you.

Finding Peace.

2011-04-10T21:38:00.000-06:00

Finding Peace. The road to finding peace is a tough one, a road that is not easy, but it is a road we all must take.

There are several key moments in life that change us forever, the moments that change your core, the being you are to become.

When I was in my "tweens," as they call them now, I had a few life changing experiences. One, was an experience I never talk about, and never will on this blog, but it has changed me forever; it was a trial that changed the way I look at the world, parenting, and my trust in humanity was tarnished. Two, the youth groups in my church were invited to feed the homeless under the 6th Street viaduct in Salt Lake City, it was this experience that changed my look at people, compassion, and what I wanted to do with my life...I would never be the same. Three, my family was sealed in the Provo Temple, at this experience I learned that God loved me, and that I loved my family more than ever, and that if I did what was right here on this earth, I could live with them forever. If I did what was right....that is what stuck in my head, and still does.

Another momentous experience in my life, that has helped me through my life, was the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, the Still Small Voice....whispering to me in my bedroom in my parents' home when I was around 17. "You will never have children of your own." I can hear it plan as day in my head to this day. I know that my Heavenly Father gave me that gift of knowledge to help me overcome the challenges I would face as an infertile woman.

Without the experiences that I have mentioned here, I would not be who I am today, plain and simple.

Without the trial of which I cannot speak of, I would not be as willing to understand others who are going through similar heartache, I may not be compassionate and understanding to the individuals I come in contact with on a daily basis being a Foster parent. I firmly believe that, after going through much heartache and pain with my trial, I can honestly say...I am on the other side of pain, and am now on to gratitude for the humility and spirit of forgiveness that trial has taught me. I am strong, I am willing to help, and I am happy.

Without the experience of interacting with the homeless, I may not look at all people as children of God...sure I would know they are children of God, but now I see them as children of God. On this occasion, my leaders had asked us to serve the homeless dinner for Christmas; and if we had any donations bring them to give to needy. As a young kid, I went through all my "crap" and donated all my unwanted toys I was "done" with. One of my jobs while serving these incredible people was helping the parents go through the donated items of toys for their children for Christmas. One man in particular, I can still see his scruffy, sad face...looked at me, age 11, and said, "can you help me look for some books that I can give my twin boys who are 2?" As we looked through the "crap" he came across some books I had donated (thrown away really), and he said, "these books would be wonderful, they would love them." I helped the man put my "crap" in his bag...as he smiled for the first time. What a lesson! I will never turn my back on my fellow man, I will serve others as though I am serving my very Savior. I learned that day to be grateful for the life I have, and how lucky I am to have the life I have been given. I only hope I can pass this onto my children.

Going to the Temple with my family was an amazing experience that will always be close to my heart. I can remember looking in the Eternal mirrors with my family and thinking to myself, "forever." As a wife, I looked into those mirrors with my husband, looked into them again as a mother, and cannot wait to look into those mirrors again as we seal our new son this coming year. "Forever." I am so grateful for the life my Heavenly Father has allowed me to have.

Being infertile has not been easy, and at times I have been downright angry. It is hard to watch your family and friends "pop" babies out like gumballs, year after year....and smile, as your heart is torn in two, praying to God, asking, "what did I do to deserve this life?" Well, the ringing of the Holy Ghost is strong in my ears, as I have come to peace with, "you will not have children of your own." Ah, but I have so much more! Without the trial of infertility, I would not have my precious Riley, and experience the miracles that came with her arrival, let alone the testimony that was gained from this experience.

Without infertility, Fostering children would not be a part of my life, I don't believe. I am grateful for the experience I get in working with these wonderful, brave, kids...and the things they teach me, Riley, and Chris. Plus, I would not have my "Soy boy," my new buddy (son).

As many of you know Chris is not always in the greatest health, recently he lost his sight, again. However, he has regained sight and is fine...but during that week or so, I was constantly at peace because I know that this time of earth is but a small time.

I am so grateful for the lessons that I have had in my life...and the trials. I am at peace, I know I am not alone, and that God has a plan for me and my family, I just have to trust in Him. It has taken many years for me to find peace, but I am happy I did.

I know that I will always have bumps in the road of life, but their is always two sides of a bump...and I will eventually get there, and be on smooth ground again.

Here is my Riley as a baby:

No words...only hands.

2011-03-27T01:24:00.001-06:00

This past month, I have worked ever so hard to get my new son to bond with me, to trust me, and to love me as I love him.

My son, grew up in a different world than many of us, "normal folk;" from homelessness to lack of affection from a mother and father...and the basics of life that so many of us take for granted, such as food, shelter, and love.

February 28, 2011 was the first time I hugged my new son; it was superficial nonetheless, but it was a hug to me.

March 2, 2011 was the second time I hugged my son; it was still superficial, but a hug to me.

March 3, 2011 I showed my son his new room, and his new home. I hugged him, again.

March 4, 2011 my son came home. We welcomed him with open arms, hearts, and the other children were excited to show their new brother the ropes of movie night: Pizza, treats, and movies, and sitting on mom and dad's laps. It just so happens on this night, as we were on our way to get the treats and pizza, my son said, "can I stay with you?" We replied, "yes, as long as you would like, even forever." "Okay, I will stay with you forever," was his reply. This night, I hugged my son, and kissed him ever so tightly, even though he may not have known how much I loved him. His hug was stiff and sort of forced...for he never really hugged and kissed before entering my home.

During this past month, I have kissed, hugged, and loved my son with all my heart, and yearned for that moment when he would squeeze me back, and kiss me on the cheek, because that would mean he has caught on to the way love goes. A kiss from mom means, I love you, a hug from mom means, I will never leave you, the words, "I love you," really mean just that, "I love you."

For a little boy who was never taught to trust, and show emotion with an adult, is making strides daily! I receive at least 30 hugs and kisses from my son a day! This coming from a boy who was never taught how to show love, because when most of us were born our mothers held us and loved us everyday, not my beautiful son, but now he will be taught...I will never, never give up on him.

Every day I tell all my children how much I love them and I show them this love by hugging and kissing each and everyone of them. It is funny to see the difference in each of my children when it comes to trust and love: Riley, has always known love, and even may take it for granted some days, but what normal kid doesn't...I guess I am grateful that she can take my love for granted, that means she knows love. My 8-year-old, craves love, seeks it out, she needs my love. My 2-year-old, needs my love, he too, is missing the touch of his "real" mom, in fact, he gets mad if I show love to any other child! Now, my 4-year-old, could take it or leave it...he doesn't know he needs love, but I will teach him how it feels. Can you imagine growing up without the touch and love of your mother and you are now 4? I have my work cut out for me, but it is a challenge I will accept.

When Riley was very little we taught her how to say, "I love you," before she could even speak, with sign language. When my two foster children came, I too, taught them to say, "I love you," with their hands (my 2-year-old could only say a few words when he first arrived at my home but now can actually say, "A uve u"). Now, with my new son, knowing he would struggle with affection, I taught him the sign for love immediately!

Whenever I leave the kids, I sign, "I love you" to them, whenever I am not in earshot to speak the words, I sign...I always have. I actually have a video of Riley when she was 3 at a preschool play signing, "I love you" from the stage. Precious memories. My foster kids have even taught their birth mom to sign, as well, and for Christmas we bought her a "I love you," signing pin for her shirt. Since my son has been here, I sign to him constantly, but with no response back from him, but that is okay, he is learning, and I don't need him to do it back, but I have yearned for him to sign back.

March 26, 2011, as I was leaving to take the girls on a field trip to the store to learn about money, the boys were in the tub, and I peeked my head in to say goodbye to "my boys." The boys wanted to hop out of the tub and "give mom hugs!" Chris said, "no, just say goodbye and that you love her." My heart pumped fast, and the tears held back, as I looked at my two naked baby boys in the tub signing, to ME, "I love you mom." BOTH OF THEM!. Love can break the sorrow and pain of my son, I will succeed. I love my children with all my heart and soul.

Hug your kiddos tight, you never know just how much they might need it. I know I will.

Here is Riley on St. Patrick's Day. The Leprechaun turned the oatmeal green. Later that day, we had our annual Leprechaun treasure hunt...it was great fun for the kids, cause 3/4 of them had never had green oatmeal and a Leprechaun hunt. I wish I could show you pics of the other kids, but by law I can't, I will when I can though.

Treasure Island

2011-02-26T22:52:00.001-07:00

Reading is a huge part of my life, and my childrens' lives. We love to read together, apart, and in bed. Chris and I even have, as I have said before, a nightly reading ritual before bed; we have gotten through lots of books together, and it is fun to share that precious time with my sweetheart.

The past month or so, the girls and I have been reading "Treasure Island," by Robert Louis Stevenson. We read a chapter every night, and I promised them that we would watch the Disney version of "Treasure Island," when we finished the book. We finally finished the book this last Friday and the girls were very excited to have our Movie Night...and have it feature "Treasure Island."

It was so fun to hear the girls talk about the things that were happening, and what was going to happen. They even remembered the names of the pirates that were killed in the book(their favorite parts of the book). My favorite part of the night was when my 8-year-old said, "the book is much better." Oh, it melted my heart, one proud mama.

I was so excited that the love of novels is being put into the hearts of my children, and the love of learning. I am so proud of my girls and the strides they make every day towards becoming beautiful, smart, independent woman of this world.

Our next book is "Black Beauty." Love it, love it.

I wish I could post pics of both girls, I am so proud of them both, but I can only post Riley's, so she will have to make your heart smile with those beautiful eyes. I am not prejudice, am I? Here is a picture of Riley dressed up for career day, and of course, she wants to be a geologist! I love her so much.

Okay...I have a crush.

2011-02-25T10:39:00.001-07:00

I am so in love with this actor...I can't get enough of his films. I haven't really liked an actor this much since Keanu Reeves, which I guess tells you how old I am.

I love his voice, and his cute smile! I don't normally have actor crushes, but baby, he is so nice to look at, that is for sure! Shh...don't tell Chris.

I guess it dosen't help that I am forced to watch, "How to Train Your Dragon," everyday, and hear his sexy voice! Ha.

Mommy Time, not Mommy and Me Time

2011-02-23T10:18:00.002-07:00

Imagine it....me, running on the treadmill, ipod blasting in my ears (on purpose), one kid trying to jump on the treadmill while I am running (succeeding in tripping me), one kid sitting on the exercise bike next to the treadmill trying to get my attention, and the next kid yelling at me (can't hear cause of my ipod) to do, who knows what.

I have determined that no matter what, I am going to run on that treadmill, no matter what chaos is going on around me. I have instructed the kids to only talk to me unless it is an emergency (apparently, one kid sneezing on another kid is an emergency). I simply look to see if the kids are standing, there is no blood, does the house smell of smoke, and the look on their face to see if it is a "true" emergency, and if it is not, I keep running. Ipod blasting, to keep out the "chaos."

I decided that, dang it, I deserve to have a half-hour of "me time." Before the other two kids came to our home, and Chris and I had Riley, it wasn't too hard to exercise, Riley was pretty good at keeping herself entertained (I could even take her to the gym and she would sit nicely), but now it is times three, and the drama is times three. However, they can deal with the drama and "sneezing" for a half-hour on their own, and yes, for all those concerned the children are running naked through the streets with no shoes on and haven't been fed for days...it has only happened once. Ha. They are fine!

I have really enjoyed the time with my own brain again, I have missed myself. I love feeling the air through my lungs, the music in my ears (mostly the hard rock stuff...it gets me going), and the quiet time away from everyone else. I love pushing myself, I always have. I love exercising, I always have. I love sports, playing sports and sweating...it is such a high. I love hanging out with just me and my ipod.

I am so proud of myself, I was able to get my treadmill up to 4.5 mph yesterday, which may not be a big deal to some, but to someone with no legs (okay, not literally), it is pretty dang fast. Chris and I (okay, maybe Chris doesn't know it is a competition), are trying to beat each other to see who can go the farthest and fastest...I think I am beating him (again, he may not know it is a competition), and it makes me feel great! It feels good to win. Ha. Granted, I am beating a one armed man right now...just wait till his cast comes off and there will be no excuses! Ha.

If you were to peek into my window and see three kids around the treadmill...and a mom ignoring the kids, you might think "what a selfish mom," but you know what, they would be right...."I need to be selfish." Dang right.

Besides...aren't these two worth me being a little selfish?

Don't touch my kid!

2011-02-10T12:57:00.001-07:00

"We are leaving in just a second!" How many times did I need to say that to this woman?

Multitasking, you know, where you are getting one kid out of their car seat, yelling at the others to stay by the car, and talking to the husband on the phone at the same time, you know multitasking.

We just happen to be getting out of the van the other day, and I told the little one to stand by the "nice" Chrysler parked next to us. Riley and the other older one, was standing behind the van waiting for me to get done talking to Chris and lock the car so we could proceed into the building.

As I was locking the van, a woman came up to us, started to pull the little one away from her car and said, "we are leaving in a minute, you need to move buddy." Poor Chris, he heard the whole exchange on the phone, and kept repeating, "what is happening, are you okay?" Funny huh? Little did he know there was going to be a smack down right there in Provo. Well, not really, but I would have if it came down to it, I was ready. Ha.

So, the lady, even though I said we were going inside, and were moving in a second, persisted on trying to move the little man. Where, where was she going to move him, into the road? The lady told me, "we are leaving and we wont be able to see your kids"...so, I said, "we are going right now, he is fine."

I grabbed the little guys hand and told the girls, "come on lets go." The whole time I was still on the phone with Chris. I tell you, when I said my voice is coming out more, I have no patience for people who are just rude. For one, the lady was not even in her car yet, second, we were on our way out, third, why would you try to touch sombody elses kid?

Maybe, I was a little sensitive, but when I saw some strange woman trying to grab the little guy, I got a little protective, to say the least.

These kids, are my life, and I WILL protect them!

See....isn't she cute? These are some pics from the Zoo last summer.

Saturday Shuffle!

2011-02-06T01:28:00.001-07:00

So, I thought it would be fun to do a Saturday Shuffle...I love music, I love all kinds of music; from Heavy Metal, Classical, Kids Music, to Country, but my favorite is Classic to Pop Rock.

So, I am going to shuffle my ipod, and see what song pops up, and sometimes there is a story behind the song, a meaning, or I just love it! So, here we go!

Come With Me: The Beach Boys, Original Mix

I have many memories of "The Beach Boys." As a young kid, these were the songs I grew up with, my parents are huge fans. I grew up hearing stories of how my mom and dad, as young kids, went up to Lagoon when they used to have a big concert stadium, and watch The Beach Boys...I believe this was the late 60's.

My parents instilled the love of "The oldies" in me very young. I have actually seen The Beach Boys three times in my life, in concert. The Beach Boys were my first BIG concert, and I loved it. I remember the feel of the floor pounding under my feet, and the lights shining on the men on stage. Plus, it was just me, my mom and dad, and it will be a memory I hope to hold on to forever.

The second time I saw them, was just with my mom and my cousin Vicki (both Vicki and my mom are crazy Beach Boy fans, with many road trips with Beach Boys music playing in the car, the whole time!)

The third time seeing The Beach Boys was at the Stadium of Fire, with my mom, Vicki, and I think my friend Angela or perhaps my sister...I don't remember, it was so long ago! However, you may not believe me, but the story I am going to tell you is TRUE! The song "kokomo" was very popular that year and John Stamos was doing the concert with B Boys at the Stadium of Fire. My mom had gotten us tickets pretty close to the stage, but they were a bit on the side of the stage, we could actually see a bit behind the stage. Well, not many people can say this, but I have seen John Stamos pee! Okay, I know, not a pretty story, but John and the Boys just performed "Kokomo" and John stepped off stage and unzipped, and Pee'd! I saw it, and I will go to my grave, even if it is my last words, that I saw John Stamos, Uncle Jessie PEE! Imagine all my grand kids around my death bed now....ha. "Oh grandma, you are crazy....who is this Uncle Jessie you keep talking about?"

So, I love to listen to the "Good ole' Boys" on the ole pod. This song isn't my favorite, but it is fun.

I love my Voice

2011-02-04T11:39:00.001-07:00

My name is Brook, and I am a strong person. I think people believe that I am weak. I am not. I think that my quietness comes off as weak or shy, but really, I don't trust people. There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and I don't feel the need to waste my time and energy on things that are stupid. Period.

The thing that bothers me the most, is even some of my friends and family believe that I am shy or nervous around people because I am scared, not true, I just don't like certain types of people. I have that right, again, I don't like to waste time on people that I will not associate with...why? I have so much extra time on my hands that I need to pretend to be their friend or associate? No. Don't get me wrong, I am nice to everyone, I am never malicious on purpose, but I hate being fake.

Since I have been married, my voice has become much louder, the words I use to say in my head when somebody said or did something stupid or ignorant, now actually comes out of my mouth (sometimes not so nice), and sometimes it does get me in trouble. For example, Chris and I were in Walmart the other day, yes and Walmartian are the worst offenders at this, but we were in line getting ready to purchase a birthday gift for our daughter and a man just up and steps right in front of Chris and I, standing in line. Chris looks at me and shrugs, well, my "voice" came out and said, "sir, we were in line, and you just stepped right in front of us." Now, I know on reading it, it doesn't sound bad, but it was the way I said it, I didn't say it very nice. He was very ignorant, he insisted on arguing with me, that we were not in line, but I just shoved my way in front of him. I have lost patience for people who are just rude, where as before, I would have let him just step in front of me, and nothing would have been said.

You know the unspoken rule, the one where if you are standing in a long line, and a new checker comes up, you let the people who have been standing the longest go first? Well, I had been standing forever in line, and this blond woman comes up behind me...and a new checker came up and said, "I can help who is next!" Well, I started toward the new checker because I was next, well, the woman behind me had another idea. We looked at one another and she proceeded to the new checker. I had been standing there for over 10 minutes! I started for the checker, I stepped right in front of her and she said, "I am in a hurry!" Well, I said, "I am in a hurry too!" Needless, to say, I was checked out first! I love my voice.

Many of the people who read this, know me as quiet and very accommodating to others, and this is true, I hope. I do believe in showing respect to others at all times, but when people are just ignorant, I am a person too, and I have a voice just like they do, I don't believe that I was put on earth to just bend to everyone else. I don't think so!

So, I guess the moral of this story is, I am not a push-over like everyone thinks I am. I am an observer...that is what I do. If I feel that I have something to say or contribute to the conversation, and it is worth my time, I will say it! I don't like to waste my breath, it isn't from a lack of confidence or shyness, it is simply I do what I want, and I think that takes more confidence than feeling the need to fill life with pointless things and people.

The greatest compliment ever....

2011-01-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

No matter how old we are, we still yearn for the approval of our parents. Well, I do anyway, even if I don't think about it constantly. My goal in life to is to be, just like my mom, but I know I will never be her, I just can't seem to be as good as her, at anything. I try, don't get me wrong, I try, and I will keep trying! She cooks, cleans, organizes, serves, has more patience, loves more, gives more, is overall better than I will ever be, and I want to be her when I grow up.

Through my married life, I have constantly been thinking, "what would my mom do?" Well, I fail sometimes, my house isn't near as clean as hers, I can't cook near as well, and she serves so many, and I always feel like I fall behind more and more being "just like my mom."

The other day, I was having one of those days, it was a Sunday, the kids were noisy, running all over, barely fed, but we made it to church, barely. I was thinking as we were leaving.."I have got to do better."

An unexpected thing happened that has changed how I feel about myself, and Damn it, I am proud of myself. My mom's best friend lives in the ward next to me, I usually go up to her and hug her, ask her how she is doing, all that friendly stuff; but what she said next changed my whole thought process.

She looked at me, and said, "so these are the kids I hear so much about!" I said, "yes, this is J...., this is S......, and you know Riley." She hugged the kids, told them how cute they were, and we talked for a minute, then she asked me, "how are you doing?" I said the usual answer we always give to our friends. "Good, thanks."

Here it is folks, the phrase I have been waiting for my whole life....she said, "your mom talks about them all the time, she is always telling me, 'I don't know how Brook does it'" What? What? My mom didn't know how I do it? Super mom...my mom, doesn't know how I do it? Maybe, just maybe, I have been a bit hard on myself, maybe I am a good mom...if my mom says so. I love you mom, you have taught me to be a great mom, and I will be forever grateful for your loving and compassion towards everyone. I thank my dear mom for dropping by unannounced to drop off some cookies for the kids, watching them when I need her, and just simply loving them, even though they are not biological, cause she knows that doesn't matter...she is the best grandma ever. I only pray I can be a pinch of what she is in this life. I love you mom, I don't know how you do it!

During the Diaper Change.

2011-01-23T21:05:00.002-07:00

Tear open the diaper, wipe the hiney, fold the diaper, stuff the wipes into the old diaper, put the new diaper on, put the pants back on, again....change to the other kid, do it all over again. You never really think about life during the diaper change, but the other day while doing my usual morning "poop" change for both kids, I had a big thought cross my mind. Just imagine...wipe butt, life changing thought, wipe butt. Who knew, right? Right, well, it did.

I was sitting on the floor changing the second "stinky" diaper and I thought, you know all the diapers I have changed in this life, and am still changing, and will still change...not a single one of those children are my biological children. Not ONE! Yet, all these children whom I change their "stinkies" depend on me like a biological mom, or simply a mom.

It got me thinking about my lot in life, and how I got to this point (not literally, I sit on the floor to change cause it is just easier), but how did I get to this point in my life with all these kids!

I think back to the day in my bedroom when I was about 16 or 17; just a single thought, "you will never have children." I have never forgotten that day, and I know now, that it was Heavenly Father's way of preparing me for the future, and because of that whispering, I have always known, my life would be different.

When Chris and I were married in June of 1996, we wanted kids, but decided to wait at least a year. However, I became pregnant in November of 1996; we lost that baby Christmas Eve 1996. I will never forget that little spirit because Chris and I helped "her" get a body, a short life, but a body all the same, I helped a spirit return to the Celestial Kingdom, how cool is that? She will always be my perfect contribution to Heaven.

Chris and I tried and tried to have kids after that, but to no avail. So, you all know that story, in 2003 we adopted Riley, and we were so satisfied with her and loving her that we forgot all about having more kids...until we realized that we wanted the experience and love of siblings for Riley. So, we tried adopting, but it really is so expensive, and well, if you are not Temple worthy (which we were not at the time), you cannot adopt from LDS social services...so we decided to just kinda "give up" for a while.

In 2009, Chris and I decided (okay, let me clarify, I decided and convinced Chris), that we needed to do something...and I wanted to do Foster Care. If I could not have children of my own, and we could not adopt, I wanted Riley to have siblings, and learn the gift of service through Foster Care...and help those scared little kids at the same time.

In 2010, as you have read, we got our first case, and it has been a roller coaster of a story...judges, courts, therapy, crying, and so much more. It is really amazing the feeling we are getting from helping these kids, and the experience of life Riley is getting is so awesome.

So, as I sit during my diaper changes, I will wonder just how Heavenly Father feels about me and if I am doing justice with all the kids that come into my life, and are really making a difference (including Riley)...I really hope so. I know that the kids that are in my life (though not biological), and the kids that will come into my life, help me to become a better person, and serve my Heavenly Father...and maybe repay Him for the life and blessings he has given me, for I am blessed. Blessed beyond measure with Family, Friends, Gospel, Home...what more could I ask for? Okay, maybe not so many "stinky" diapers. I can hope right?

My life as a Foster Mom....

2010-11-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

My life as a Foster mom is, well, unreal. There is really no words to express the pain and sorrow I feel for these little kids, they have so much pain stuffed into their little bodies, and it is just aching to come out. I hope I can be there to catch it and stitch up the tear.

I will never forget the day I got the call, "they will be there in about an hour." This day had started out just like any old day, I wasn't really dressed, my house was not "perfect," and I still didn't have my mattresses for the bunk beds we had just recently purchased...but my day became super crazy after I got the call. I decided getting dressed was the least of my problems, so I concentrated on getting the mattresses for the beds (thanks to my dad for picking them up at the store), then I tried to pick the house up to some sort of "clean." Then, I got dressed...and waited, and waited, and waited for the car to drop the kids off. I have been nervous before, but this was a different kind of nervous..."was I going to be able to relate to the kids?" "Was I going to be able to calm them down?" "Were they going to like me?" "What were they going to be like?" "What did these kids go through to get to this point?"

Finally, the kids arrived, and of course, things were a bit tense...I can't describe the sadness and confusion in the kids' eyes. All I could do was hug them and reassure them that things were going to be okay, and that I was here for them if they need me, no matter what.

Riley was a bit surprised to see two extra kids at home when she arrived on the bus from school that day, she was so excited to have a brother and sister...finally.

To say that things have been peaches and cream, is not true, but things have not been horrible. There are days when the kids yearn for their old life, but I think they enjoy the stress free life...and that they get to be kids.

As a Foster Parent, there are many obligations that are required on my part...I am required to drive and deliver the kids whenever the State needs them here or there. Many Dr. appointments, therapy, parental visits, meetings with the people involved with the kids....it is a lot of going, going, going, but I have really enjoyed finding myself in service to others.

The things I have learned about life and people are invaluable to me, there are so many things that are going on in our world around us, things that we may know about...but more than likely choose not to think about. With these children in our home, I really have come to appreciate my own life and my own parents, and the childhood I was able to live.

So, my new job is wiping tears, calming tantrums (which really are screams of sadness), building new confidence, and teaching children to be children, renewing faith, and saying, "no," even when I want to give in and say, "it is okay, here you go," but knowing by saying, "no," that is the greater gift.

I know I am not a perfect parent, and I have made MANY mistakes!

I just hope my Heavenly Father knows how much I appreciate the trust he has in me to "mold" these kids, I am honored to be in their lives, even if it is just for a short time.

I will continue to journal my experience as a Foster Mom.

Simply Life....

2010-11-03T14:53:00.001-06:00

I am sitting here printing out word scrambles for my Activity Day girls, and I thought, I would write. I have really enjoyed blogging again, it is my escape.

Life is a bit busy right now, between getting Chris and the kids off in the mornings, packing lunches, doing hair, brushing teeth, changing diapers, and breaking up the occasional fight...mornings are crazy.

Afternoons, on the other hand are not much better...keeping kids busy till nap time, putting two kids down for naps, trying to fit in some cleaning, getting dinner ready before evening hits.

Evenings are the greatest time of the day and busiest time of day...I have so many meetings, I feel like I am in meetings every other day. I drive between Spanish Fork, Provo, and back about 3 times a week, and they are always right in the heart of traffic "shut-down." But, evenings are the greatest because when we get to have family time, as crazy as it is, the running around, doing homework, eating as a family, finding pj's, saying family prayer, reading the Book of Mormon, and listening to each child talk about their concerns and the day they had is something I wouldn't trade for anything, even though at times I think my head is on backwards. Literally!

My life is crazy dealing with all the new stuff, but I am glad that I can contribute to society, it makes me feel important. Someday, I hope that I can say I helped some body's life become better. I only yearn to help others and bless them as Heavenly Father has blessed me.

Don't get me wrong....life is not all roses, but if I look at the positive, the negative doesn't look so bad.

Wars

2010-10-29T23:20:00.000-06:00

There are many wars.

War of the Binki, the fun job of getting a child to sooth themselves without a pacifier, and the screaming.

War of getting kids to clean their rooms, and finding their hiding places, which is always fun. Now, I did the same thing when I was a kid, but doesn't it take longer to find a hiding spot for those dirty clothes then just throwing them in the clothes basket?

War of "girl emotions." How can girls be so happy one moment and crazy the next? Hormones start young.

War of the youngest chasing the girls with a sword, the fun of prying the sword out of the little hands, and then getting the girls to stop being CRAZY!

War of Mom and Dad's attention.

War of the diaper. "Come on, do you like to have that stuff on your behind?"

War of husband vs. kids. I miss my hubby and our "alone" time, but wouldn't give up the kids in the house for anything.

War of time vs. lack of time, I guess showering is a luxury nowadays, exercising is a must, and making sure to lock the bathroom door so I can have 5 extra minutes to "recollect," is very important. On a positive note, I have lost 6 pounds this week and at a lower weight than I have been in a while...it may be from stress and lack of sleep, but I will take it.

I never thought that wars could be so nice.

Things I am Grateful my Child still Believes!

2010-10-27T13:28:00.002-06:00

BELIEVES:
1. Magic, Santa, Easter Bunny, Leprechauns, Tooth fairy.
2. Some Disney Characters are still real, or are at least were real at one time.
3. That Angels bowl in Heaven when it thunders.
4. Mom and Dad will love her no matter what!
5. That Mom and Dad mean what they say, and will FOLLOW through with it!
6. Unicorns exist.
7. Authorities such as Policemen and Firemen are good.
8. Heavenly Father and Jesus, and the Holy Ghost are her comforters.
9. Prayers are heard.
10. Our bodies are Temples.

The last few weeks, I have had the opportunity to be reminded of the real meaning of childhood. I think in this fast paced, messed up, adult world, some are in such a hurry for our children to grow up, why? Why do we push so hard for them to be bigger than they are? Why do we insist that our children see the "real" world at such a young age? For me, there is no reason, let them be kids! I have always had a firm belief in the value of an innocent, carefree, fun childhood, and the past few weeks have only made this belief more concrete in my mind.

Children that skip the innocent, simple things of childhood, I believe, skip out on the simple learning of Faith. I am not saying that Faith cannot be taught by parents, but a child that is exposed too quickly to our "adult" world misses out on Faith taught through experiences of their own, as little or silly as they may seem to us "big" people.

I for one, am so proud that Chris and I have decided to let Riley and any other children that pass through our home, be kids, they deserve it. I am proud that we as parents have decided to keep our kids from the "real" world as long as possible. Granted, this may not be for everyone, but the crap I see in this world scares me and I want my kids to stay out of that world as long as they can. Some will say, I am not "preparing" them for this tough world, but I think I am by teaching them humility, love, compassion, and Faith. So, I will continue to help my children believe in magic and fairy tales because that is my job. I will prepare them to have Faith in things that cannot be seen and that the world is generally good...and home is a safe place to fall ALWAYS.

My life has changed recently, I will try to journal my feelings. I am grateful for my life, and feel blessed that I was given the kind of childhood, as crazy as it was, that I had, may I be able to give the same magical, carefree childhood that I was given to my kids.

Taylor

2010-09-19T00:06:00.002-06:00

Debbie and Taylor were so cute, Taylor was so busy, that mom has her hands full! Here are some photos of Taylor that I am doing:

Loading the ipod.

2010-09-13T11:15:00.000-06:00

I am just sitting here, reloading my ipod, waiting to hop on the treadmill, am I really waiting or procrastinating? We will say, waiting.

As I am sitting here, I thought, I am going to write on my blog, I haven't written for a while. I have lots of things that I need to write about, but I seem to never just sit down and write anymore, maybe that is a problem...I think I will change that.

The last few months have been really eye-opening to me, and it has been good in some ways and bad in others. I am a strong person, and I believe that whatever is thrown at me, I can handle, I have so far, right? I have decided to make some new goals for myself this past week, and I want to write them down and have them "out there," so, I can be held accountable for them.

One, I am going to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be...and that means I am going to try my hardest to love myself and stop the negative thoughts in my head, this one is hard, but I am going to do it! I am going to stop thinking, "I should have done that, or done this..." I do my best, and that is all that matters. Period.

Two, I am going to enjoy my routine, I know this sounds a bit crazy, but I am going to stick to it, and love it. In the morning at 5:00 when my alarm goes off, I am going to get my "happy" butt out of bed and make Chris' breakfast and lunch with much love. Then, at 7:00, I will snuggle my Riley out of her warm bed and LOVINGLY get her ready for school. At times, I will admit, I get very impatient with Riley and I will be working on speaking more kind to her in the morning. I will make Riley's breakfast and lunch also with much love...hey, my mom did it, why can't I?

Then, when everyone is out the door, except for Ruby and she is napping, I will get my "loving butt" on the treadmill and enjoy my time alone. I am doing it for me and only me because I deserve to feel great...and eventually look great.

I enjoy spending time with Ruby, it is preparing me for the "early" years again, I hope, when we finally have more children in our home. I enjoy taking Ruby and Pepper (our puppy) for walks in the afternoon before nap time, it is great to just walk in the sun.

During the day, I hope to accomplish much, clean the house, and make a great healthy dinner for my little family...I usually don't have a problem with this, but Riley is getting so busy, I forget to have dinner ready by 4 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we have to eat after the games and practices...I will get it figured out.

Recently, I have been called as an Activities Day leader, as well as, teaching the 8 to 10-year-olds in Primary (which we have done for almost two years). It will be interesting to work with girls instead of boys (I served as a Scout leader for nearly 5 years).

So, my days and weeks are pretty full, between Soccer, Activity Days, Homework, doctors appointments, Chris' infusions, tending Ruby, and just being a mom. I am just like every other mom out there, trying to survive, I hope I appear as though I am surving at least.

Three, Chris and I are offical Foster Parents, and we are just waiting to meet with our RFC. We are so excited for the opportunites that are in our future. I am making a goal today, that I will make a difference in the lives of those children that I have the honor of helping. Heavenly Father's children, no matter their situation, deserve a person that is in their "corner," fighting for them, and loving them. I pray that I can be such a person.

Four, I will serve people more...my mom and dad taught me at a very young age that we are to serve our fellow man. I believe that I serve already, but I need to do more, and teach Riley the importance of serving and the importance of humility. I need to look out my window everyday and see what needs, need to be filled.

These goals may seem goofy to you, but to me, they make my world seem more sane. I need to strive to be a better person, and love myself as Christ loves me, I believe I can do it, and I will. I am not perfect, and I will make mistakes, but I am done getting down on myself for falling short at times. I know that I will not always get my house perfect or maybe forget to get dinner done on time, and I will probably not "love" getting up at 5 every morning, but it is okay, as long as I try.

My ipod is done loading, I need to get on that treadmill.

Summer Fun Pics!

2010-07-31T23:47:00.000-06:00

Soccer Practice

Baseball Practice

Fishing with Grandma and Grandpa

Grandpa letting Riley reel in "his" fish.

Riley's Fish!

...and another one of Riley's fish!

Pepper and Riley's ride in the back of the truck.

"Best Buddies."

Amy, Gary, and I went to watch UDOT move the bridge on the new AF freeway exhange...it was very late, here we are looking oh so great and, and litterally sitting on the edge of the freeway, cars were passing right behind us!

Riley's Soccer game.

Water fun with Pepper, "I don't know how much fun Pepper was having!"

Riley's Baseball game, running home!

One day Riley wanted Pepper to have a sibling...so, she dressed up like one for her, all day!

Look at her fighting for that ball in the middle of all those boys...that's my girl!

Look at that stance! Elbow up!

The wind was blowing so hard one game, and Riley's hat was the only one that would stay on!

She is a fast kid!

Soccer Team Spring 2010! "Fiery Dragons!"

My Soccer Star!

My two favorite peeps!

Father's Day...they played a trick on the Dad's at church and cut their ties, and Riley cried when we got home cause they had ruined her daddy's favorite tie (it wasn't, it was a decoy the primary presidency gave them to wear), when she found out it was a fake, she was ok! Gotta love a kid who loves her daddy so much!

My "two" kids and their RC Jeep and Hummer.

Riley and Chris in the pool on a hot day!

Stock Parade!

Going for the Candy!

My dad had a tent at the Rodeo Grounds selling his Leather Braiding for Bridals and such for horses (all kinds). He sold quite a bit, and I was so proud of him, here he is sitting at friends house across from the Grounds. He sold to many a cowboy that weekend! Including the President of the Rodeo association!

Uncle Gary, Aunt Amy, Riley, and Chris (hot)..at the Rodeo, me behind the camera (as usual).

18th Ward Float...the Root Beer Float, Becky and Ari did an awesome job! Cute, cute!

Here is Riley sitting on the float, Mark (ward member) was telling me that there had been an accident at the beginning of the parade and Riley had been run over (yes, the whole float went over her), she was pretty bandged up. When I got her at the church (after almost causing a riot because someone blocked me in...long story) she had a bloody nose and really bloody and bruised knee...with a mighty limp. I tease her still that if she sees a giant root beer float to run! Ha. We went to Lagoon the next day and she limped the whole day! It was pretty swollen! I had a bunch of people tell me they saw her get run over on Facebook! My kid....

When she finally saw her daddy to tell him about the tragedy! Ha.

Riley was the only girl on the team...just like I was when I was kid. She did awesome!

Roasting Hot Dogs in the backyard!

Fireworks on the 4th of July!

Uncle Gary taught Riley to start things on fire!

Watching the Fireworks!

I love my camera!

Riley and a neighbor doing sparklers.

First time in a dugout! So cute.

Yeah...she's mine.

Look she is flying!

This is what happens when you send kids to birthday parties!

Camping with the Zelankos! We had a blast! 4-Wheeling, fishing, swimming, hot dogs, visiting, it was great!

Me and Riley in the river!

Roasting Hot Dogs!

Pepper's first camping trip!

Our Family.....

Teaching Riley to "night-fish." We actually got locked out of our campground and had to drive back down home for the night...stupid rules. It was so worth it though.

Not the greatest pic, but at least I was there right?

We have had an awesome summer, I hope you all have, as well, it has gone so fast!

The little things in life....

2010-07-24T09:36:00.001-06:00

So, we all want an extra minute here or there, right? Also, alone time with our spouse, right? Well...it is the little things in life that make us happy. This morning, Chris and I got to lay in bed, ALONE, for a whole 20 minutes on a Saturday morning...this has not happened since 2003!

Riley and I decided that she could shower herself, wash her own hair, condition her own hair...and it was so NICE! Granted I think our water bill will be much higher, she is a slow showerer still, but it is worth the 20 minutes of precious ME time with my husband!

I hate that my "baby" is growing up, but man was that 20 minutes NICE this morning. I think I just may have her do it again next Saturday, just for fun....for me and Chris. Ha.

UPDATE: My sis and her husband lived with us for about 5 months, and they recently moved back to West Virginia, he got a good job out there. We are sad to see them go, but if it helps them to be happy in life, we support them. On a good note, we will now be able to get our Homestudy done for Foster Care! Yeah! We are so excited to have more children! Wait....there goes my 20 minutes on Saturdays. Ha. It is okay, I welcome the chaos!

Happy 24th of July for you Utahn's! We are going to do our usual, watch the parade and eat Breakfast downstairs watching the parade! Not too exciting, but that is how we roll....and going to the Movie.

Thoughts....

2010-05-28T00:14:00.003-06:00

I have run out of things to say, but I have so many thoughts, I just can't put them into words, which is odd for me...I love to write, way better than speaking!

I know I have not posted on my blog for a while, but I get on every now and again, hoping to sit down and write, but I just can't get the thoughts out onto the screen.

So many things are happening in life right now, but I keep everything inside, like it is a sacred thing I can't let out...and not in the world for everyone to see.

I hope to get post again soon, I miss blogging, I really, really do!

I don't even know if anyone is even reading my blog anymore since it has been SO LONG since I have posted...but I am still here, hoping for the thoughts to turn into words for you to read.

My family is doing ok, we are excited for the summer to be here, so we can have some outdoor fun. My sister and her husband are living with us, and it has been good to visit and hang out with them for a while. Chris is working so much that I haven't seen him for more than about an hour at a time for the last 4 months. He has been working 7 days-a-week, and up to 14-16 hours-a-day. Chris recently became very ill, but he is on injections for the infections in his body. I worry so much about him, and I pray that he knows just how much I appreciate and love him.

Our family has been accepted to be Foster parents, but we need to have our home looked at one more time for fire extinguishers...and we can have children come into our home when Amy is in their apartment. We are so excited for that chapter in our lives to start!

Riley is doing great, she received an award at school the other day for being a great student. The principal said, "these are the kids that will change the world someday, be responsible members of society"..only a handful of kids got them, I was so proud of her, she is an amazing young girl. She is in Soccer right now and is doing great, she gets better every year. Heavenly Father spoiled me with such a great spirit.

Well, I will try to make an effort to post more, I really need to, I miss my blogger buddies.

Have a great summer!

Here is a picture of Riley at her play, "The Jungle Book," she was an Elephant. Also, this is her poster that we made for a contest...she got 3rd in the whole school! I am so proud...can you tell?

Just a short update....

2010-02-18T22:23:00.002-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since I have blogged! Life has been a bit crazy the past month, and boy, am I "freakin" ready for February to be over!

Since my last post, we have been having some problems with Chris' infusions....the Insurance was questioning if Chris really needed his infusions! Come on! He is suppose to get these infusions every 3 weeks (to live mind you), and it has been since the beginning of January since his last infusion; he is a bit weak and tired, but hanging in there. We went to the Neurologist last week, and the signs of CIDP are still there, and they are concerned that he has not had his infusion...YET! I have literally been on the phone all day fighting with Insurance, nurses, and financial aid. However, I seem to have finally gotten through to someone...and he should be getting his infusion next week (I hope and pray!) It also seems that we may have gotten financial aid for his infusions, thank heavens, these infusions cost up to $7000 a time...and we are responsible for 20% of that a time, can we say house payment?

Riley is doing wonderful, she continues to thrive in school. She is reading at like 2nd Grade level or so, and she is 6! Her vocabulary is getting so big...the other day I was reading a book to her and I said, "this is a strange book," and she said, "I think the book is delightful." What? I am so proud of her. She is doing crazy hard math...tonight we did some simple algebra story problems, yes, I had to read the instructions twice! Last week we had to do a problem such as this: 9 + x = , 10 + x = , and it went on like that for about 7 times; the answer being 12, but they had to figure out what x represents. Crazy. I love it though! She is learning geography and English (pronouns, nouns, etc.) Mrs. Wood her teacher is amazing and keeps them challenged and keeps them kids at the same time. Riley is also in the school play, "Jungle Book," she is an elephant, her and her little friend Sam were riding in my van the other day singing, "The Bare Necessities," too cute. I am excited to watch the show...video and camera in hand! Riley is enjoying gymnastics, and is strengthening her little body for spring sports, soccer and coach pitch baseball. I can't wait to see what kind of a woman this little girl becomes. The sky is the limit with her!

I am busy tending Mrs. Wood's little girl, and have enjoyed spending time with a baby again; I feel it is getting me ready to watch the Foster children that will soon come to our home. I guess, as I write this, I really don't have too much going on....but taking care of Chris, Riley. Boring eh? I love taking care of them though; I still am me though, I take time to educate myself and I read photography books all night (NERD!), but that is my escape. I do love my life, even with the trials, they really do make us who we are don't they?

Chris and I are doing good, we are dedicating ourselves to getting back to the temple, again. We miss it so much. Wish us luck. We will do it.

Well, that is about it, I hope I didn't bore you too much, but I thought I needed to update everyone on what is going on...I know people keep asking. We love you all and thank you that have offered to help and helped us out! You know who you are.

We are so blessed to have so many of you behind us. We hope you are all doing well...we love you!

2010, ready or not....here we come.

2010-01-04T22:21:00.004-07:00

Sunday, I was teaching my sweet 8 and 9-year-old kids in Primary about the Plan of Salvation, and boy, did I feel as though I should have been sitting among the class...not teaching the class.

Our Heavenly Father put us on this earth to test us, to see how well we handle this "life" and see if we are faithful and return back to Him. We knew this plan, we accepted this plan, we jumped for JOY for this plan, and sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking? I wanted this?

Among one of the questions that the kids had for me Sunday, were: "what are trials?"

WHAT ARE TRIALS? That is a loaded question isn't it? Smiling, I told these innocent, young kids, trials are for our own good, and trials are for our growth, we never know the real reason of our trials until we come through them and look back and say, "wow, what a trial, I am better for having gone through this." Sounds good right? Well....how come I still STRUGGLE with "why ME?" when I know all those great answers already!

I KNOW and I have faith in the Plan of Salvation, and I believe that I shouted for "JOY" when I was presented with this wonderful plan....and I do believe that I can be with my family again in the afterlife, if I do my best and have Faith. With that being said...I still am human and still struggle, isn't that why I am here?

So, I am struggling with "why us?" Tonight, Chris had, yet another, Infusion and I am tired....mentally.

When Chris and I first met, I had no idea that our life would be so "up-and-down." For those of you that may not know, Chris was born with health problems, and it runs deep in his family...he has lost his mother, brother, and sister to complications to Diabetes. Chris' mother was very young when she passed away, being very sick when Chris was a baby...Chris was also having problems when he was a baby and one of his eyes was taken with complications, and thus it began.

Chris has been working on his Diabetes since about 1997, but doctors believe that he has had it since he was young, but was unattended. For any of you that know anyone who has Diabetes, it is not easy, constant carb counting, shots multiple times-a-day, and finger pricks constantly!

In 2003, Chris, as I have mentioned before, went completely blind because of complications to Diabetes...and we are constantly praying this doesn't happen again. I don't think I could handle my husband not looking me in my eyes ever again...that is how I see his beautiful soul. He really does have a beautiful soul. I know....this is all for growth!

In 2007, Chris was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that attacks his nerves...in which he requires an 3-hour IV infusion every three weeks to keep him going....so he doesn't become paralyzed and die. He is 38. WHY! Why is Riley's "norm" to see her father strapped to an IV every few weeks and doesn't give it a second thought as she runs and plays around the IV pole, and that Colleen the nurse is like a close family friend? That's how all families are, right? As I am sitting here, I have tears running down my face because I ache to talk to the Savior and ask Him why does he require this of us? I know He is there, but He seems so far away right now.

All I ever wanted back in 1996 when Chris and I were married was what every young bride wants....kids, house, and to be happy. I have all those things don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure, simply because I know my Savior is there for me, and He loves me, but the thing I can't wrap my mind around is I must have known how incredible this Plan of Salvation is, in order to say, "yes, PLEASE, send me down...put me through the PAIN." Now, in 2010, all this young bride wants is my husband, I would gladly give up everything in my life, just so Chris, Riley, and I could be together for as long...as possible.

I can't wait to see the end result, and feel my Saviors arms around me, and know ALL this was for NOT.

I feel bad that I have been complaining...and I guess, I am. I will feel better tomorrow. Here we come, ready or not 2010.

Funny...I just thought of something, speaking of marriage, Chris proposed to me today 14 years ago today. Where did the time go? It has been difficult, but worth it....oh, look at that, I just said, "wow, what a trial, it was worth it." Go figure.....

What the?

2009-12-09T11:54:00.004-07:00

Just a little update on Riley's sleeping "jokes," yesterday, I went in to check on Riley before going to bed and lo and behold, she is not in her bed....AGAIN!

I first looked in my bed, and she was there..."at least she didn't hide today," I thought!

Upon further investigation, she is wrapped up in my jacket, snuggled on my pillow. I laughed thinking..."wierd kid."

So, I take my jacket off her to find her wearing my bra....and my bra is not a tiny little thing by any means. It looked like she was wearing a life vest. I mean she had this thing over her shoulders....hooked up and everything!

What the heck? I don't want to know what is next...and what it will involve!

Who is that sleeping in my bed?

2009-12-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

Riley is a little joker...don't know where she inherited that trait?

When Riley is put to bed, Chris and I escape downstairs and have our "couple time" together. We are so boring, we usually watch DVR or play video games...and occasionally chat, it is wonderful.

However, one night a couple of years ago, Chris and I made our way upstairs to go to bed for the night...oh, it was probably midnight or so. Anyway, as always, I checked on Riley to make sure she was covered and not hanging upside down over her bed (yes, this is a usual thing), she was not in her bed; my first thought was, "that kid, she is in my bed again!"

Well, Riley was nowhere to be found! Elizabeth Smart ran through my head....my baby was KIDNAPPED! We seriously looked everywhere, closets, all the rooms...I was getting panicked! So, before I was going to call the police, we checked all the closets ONE MORE TIME...and there she was snuggled up behind all of Chris' shirts hanging in the closet. Dang kid...way to give me a heart attack.

So, we now return to the present: 2009. Again, Chris and I made our way up to bed...I checked on Riley. No Riley, but a pig; that stinker planned this whole thing out. Riley managed to replace herself with Piglet, and she was hiding somewhere in the house....again, we couldn't find her, but we knew she had to be in the house, what kidnapper puts a pig in place of a child? Riley had hid herself under my pile of dirty clothes in my room, good hiding place.

What kind of a teenager is she going to be....I guess I better get really good locks on the windows.