Dysfunction Junction

You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:26:00 +0000

Ok...actually, you should go to my new heezy.

But I wanted to use this line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

So! Today is the big day. Moving Day!

I may tinker around with the appearance depending on my whims. But take a look around, make yourselves comfortable, let me know if there's anything you want to see (perhaps you would like more adorable baby photos of me?).

I know, I know...just give you the new site already!

Without further ado (and update your readers!)

http://www.icanhasissues.com/

Time may change me...

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:16:00 +0000

Well here it is...the big announcement.

I am moving.

HA! Scared ya didn't I? No....just to a new blog.

That's right! I finally got my own digs.

I'm just cleaning up a few more things there, so I'll be back with the new address shortly.

Just get ready to change those readers...wouldn't want you to miss a single minute of the hilarity.

Feliz Aniversario Fucker!

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:50:00 +0000

Well that's an awfully strong title isn't it?

You know what? It's totally suitable. As The Moms just reminded me (which she didn't need to, I haven't forgotten) this is the one year anniversary of Wallace. If you would like to read a little background, you can go here or here. I don't talk much about him because I don't like being the "sick" girl.

One year ago, I was scared shitless. One year ago I sat on my floor and sobbed.

One year ago, I knew that it wasn't serious, but I didn't know WHAT HE WAS.

I knew my life had changed forever. Thanks to that little fucker, I can't leave a job I don't like. Because I can't get insurance otherwise. Thanks to him, I've got a pre-existing condition.

I wish I could say "thanks to him, I embrace my life and am thankful, blah blah..." To be honest, if he disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn't think twice about him.

I'd live my life exactly the same way.

(If you'd like to see photos of the little jackass, let me know....there are certain people who are very important to me who don't want to hear or see anything about him)

Downs. And ups.

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:43:00 +0000

Wow. Where have I been?? I swear I've been meaning to write this post since Tuesday.

So, as many of you know I had a presentation on Tuesday that I was nervous & therefore FREAKING OUT about.

Why you ask? (and are probably asking, how is this different from every other time you freak out?)

Somehow, the folks in charge at the J.O.B. decided that this "social media thing" is something they should get involved in. And hey!!! DJ knows how to do that!!! (Ok, I offish SUCK at hiding my Tweeting during the day)

So, I make my presentation. I am pleased as punch about the preliminary research I've done and with the way I presented it.

And all should be great right?? Except the co-workers are still thinking in a "use Social Media to reach our existing customers" kind of way. Uhhhhh.....yeah. Not really the point of the "social media thing".

Also, fun fact...as it turns out, I could potentially work my ass off to get this strategy/policy off the ground and they could still hire someone else TO DO IT.

It's been a roller coaster of a week.

But a roller coaster that ends on a HUGELY HIGH NOTE

As of, ohhhhh four hours ago, one of my favorite people on earth, my Muffin, my doppelganger became affianced.

That's right gentlemen (and maybe some ladies) Miz. Animal Crackers if officially OFF THE MARKET!

Much love, hugs and kisses to her and T. I'm so happy for the both of you....

Yes. I am a sap.

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:25:00 +0000

Well now. That was an awful lot of schmoop & sadface for a few days. Let's lighten things up shall we?

I know that we are still a ways out from the Holidays and I know some of you will groan at the concept of snow. But, I love the pow pow and this video never fails to bring a smile to my face. And ok, I LOVE Harry Connick Jr. too.

So, watch. Enjoy! (Unless you're 12minds, in which case I've likely sent you 8,000 Cute Overload posts already today. Oh hell, you should sit and enjoy this too!)

This road

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:56:00 +0000

So, enough of the schmoop, for now. Who's in the mood for soul-sucking jobs, subsequent depression and general crazy pants behavior??

Ooooh, I am, I am!!! Well, c'mere...sit down, let's chat a little.

It's been a shitty week. There's no other way to put it. A little background for you:

As many of you know, I'm in an unsatisfactory employment situation. But, as a good friend put it, it has gone from "unsatisfactory" to "toxic". It has become quite clear, that my job is about to undergo a dramatic change. In a recent discussion of our "roles", it was pretty obvious that what I think my job is (and the parts of it I do like) is not that at all.

There's more, but if I go into it all, we'll be here all day.

I'm ambitious...no two ways about it. I know what I'm good at and have been working really hard to get myself to where I want to be. If there's an opportunity for me to meet someone who I can gain insight from, I'm there. I've been really lucky to have support from some great people.

Here's the problem. You know how they say, "it's better to be lucky than good"? Well, what if I'm only lucky...what if I'm really not good? People tell me that PR is where I should be, what I should be doing, but if it's been such a struggle to get there, maybe they're wrong?

Lately I've been feeling like an iron bar is stretched across my chest. I'm being crushed against a wall, trying to escape but I've no way out. How do you free yourself from something when you've got no means to do so?

I'm pretty sure I need a new path, a new journey....but I don't know how to get there. I'm using all the tricks in my bag and still getting nowhere.

All of this wouldn't really be an issue if it were just me. But it's not just me anymore. This stress is taking a toll on me, and I'm starting to take it out on my loved ones.

I feel awful that I'm no longer myself. I feel terrible that there are people who only know this tense, sad, angry part of me.

Sigh.

I wish this could be resolved by me just thinking about it, by formulating a plan. That's what I'm good at. You give me a problem, a few hours (maybe days) and I'll find you a solution. But frankly, I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm sick of ALWAYS thinking of this. I don't want to be held down by this weight anymore. But I don't know what else I can do.

So, ok Universe. You win this round. But I'm a lot tougher than I look. That's fine. You can fuck with me all you want...

I'll just keep coming back until I win.

Only you know how...

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:36:00 +0000

During the long period when I was single-ish (let's just call it The Great Drought of 2004-2009), whenever I was forced (yes, forced) to talk about relationships I would always say the same thing.

"I just want someone who I fit with."

That's really an oversimplification, but, since everyone has issues, I wanted someone with issues that I could deal with and my issues were something that he could deal with. Like puzzle pieces, fitting together to fill in the empty parts in each other.

Every day I'm a bit more amazed with a certain gentleman's ability to handle my neuroses and not run screaming the other way. I don't know how he knows how to deal with these things, but he does.

And I'm old enough to know that I should NOT question it.

A Quick Chuckle...

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:47:00 +0000

The Moms and I have an interesting dynamic. Mostly because we are so similar, I find that occasionally she can drive me crazy.

But sometimes, she can be wonderfully....well, wonderful

I'm pleased to present the latest episode of "Why The Moms Rocks"

While discussing the current legalization efforts on behalf of marijuana:

"So, I know you're gonna bite my head off, but they're saying that marijuana is more effective than Ambien & your anxiety meds"

"Ummmm...Mom? How do I put this delicately? Pot tastes gross and makes you smell funny. Also, I gain weight...."

"Because of the munchies?"

"Um, yes."

"Oh, well if you don't like the taste hun, you can always bake it in brownies."

And that, ladies & gentlemen is how my mother tried to turn me into a pothead.

What? No...I just have something in my eye...

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:59:00 +0000

Sooooo....

I promise I'll be back with some actual substance soon (or at least a story of me embarrassing the hell out of myself).

But in the meantime, wanna read something that just made me tear up a little?

But of course you do.

#pbandtuna was so epic it's now in Webster's Dictionary under epic

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:29:00 +0000

Wheeeeew. Well that was one helluva weekend.

I'm not the only one who attended #pbandtuna and is writing about it. G'head...check out the guest list

My weekend had a slightly different ulterior motive though. There was a journey at the beginning, which now looks as though it will be the beginning of a whole new journey. And I'm excited, nervous and scared all rolled into one.

Saturday was one of the most awesome and most shittastic days I've ever had. I got to lemur hang off mah laday Alice and we all know how happy that makes me.

I got to meet and subsequently make a new laday friend in Marie....and now I don't know how I got along without her.

And what of 12minds you ask? Well, he paid for my chili cheese fries and as many of you know, fake cheese is the way to my heart.

We all went to The Wedding together and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD was it awesome.

Riiiiiight up until it was time to leave. Then it turned so shitty, so fast. I don't really want to talk about it more, let's just say my driver's license, credit card, ATM card, health insurance card, Blackberry Bold, Canon Elph, Kiehl's lip balm and Tarte Danny & Sandy lip gloss (along with some of miz alice's possessions) have been.....ahem...."donated" to the universe.

Hey purse thieves. I'm on a first name basis with Karma, and yes she is a beeeeyotch and she will be coming for you.

Ahhhh....I feel much better now.

I love my D.C. peoples more than I can say here and I'm so looking forward to pbandtuna 2010 and I'm sure I'll see ya'll before then!

Congrats again to the Newlyweds!!!!

My oh my!

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:39:00 +0000

So, I've got tales from the South and some other things floating around in the noggin.

I promise to write again when I can feel my face.

Damn you Wallace, it's all your fault.

Welcome Wagon

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:55:00 +0000

So, um yeah....I've been cheating on you.

That's right...I've blogged elsewhere. I suppose it doesn't count as cheating if I asked you for advice about it beforehand, huh?

At any rate, here's where I am, come on over & say hello!

Ready, Set....

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:19:00 +0000

Wooo....that was deep ya'll.

There are no words to describe how thankful I am to have you all in my life. Seriously. You keep me sane.

Ready to talk about more anxiety? In ten days, the lovely Daisy will be marrying her lobster B. I am attending said shindig. I'm sure I'll embarrass myself somehow.

In her understandable absence (Napa honeymoon anyone?) I will be one of her guest bloggers. There's only one eeensy, weensy problem.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ON EARTH I SHOULD TALK ABOUT!!!!

So, my small but wonderful readership, is there anything you're just dying to hear me talk about?

Seriously. Someone tell me. Cause she's got some big guns coming in, and I refuse to be the podunk, little shit blogger.

Annnnnd, go!!

Good fences...

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 23:00:00 +0000

Will sometimes make you crazy.

Ya'll ready? I'm going to talk about teh feeeeelings...

Shit.

If you know me well enough, you know that the way I view my world can be a bit rigid. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but I've managed to work really hard (mostly with the Doc) on being more flexible. The "real world" isn't black and white. Life is not that simple. Just because I want to box things up and keep things neat & tidy doesn't mean they will be.

Someone once told me, "you're a girl who lives your life in right angles." Do you know what you get when you have four right angles? You get a wall. You get order.

There are some things going on in my life right now that defy my cataloging system. By their very nature they are undefined, un-characterizable (yes, it's a word, at least it is now).

I'm doing a lot of work mentally & emotionally because, while some of this is scary, it is ultimately good for me. I have hopes. I've handled some things that, a mere six months ago, I would have checked out, said "thanks, but no thanks."

I want to believe that my hard work will pay off. That maybe this one road of mine won't be as bumpy as the others have been. I'm hoping I'm wiser. That I'm prepared to handle what may come. Because, what have I been working on with the Doc if not for this? That's what all my hard work has been for.

Because I AM ready.

**AUTHORESS' DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A DIFFICULT POST FOR ME TO WRITE. I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DELETE THIS IN A FIT OF PIQUE**

Scenes from a cubby

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:06:00 +0000

I think I've decided to alternate serious posts with funny ones. Let's see how it goes.

I've discussed the new soulmates before, but since it's likely I'll discuss them again, let me provide you with handy dandy nicknames:

How's about Sheezy & Neezy?

So, let me set the scene for you. I was speaking to Neezy on the phone (as I frequently am...any minute now: firing). Neezy is one of the funniest people I know. So, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to share some of our convo.

This is Neezy relating a conversation she had with her dentist's office:

"So, Neezy, what are we doing tomorrow at your appointment?"

"First of all, who is this? Oh, hi. I'm thinking I'm gonna go get really loaded before my appointment so when he puts his hand in my mouth, I barf."

Discussing with me why my life/job/existence is soooooo hard:

"It's because God hates you. Something about you killing his son?"

Great googly mooogly, I love this woman.

*and scene*

Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:13:00 +0000

No....not the band. Though, they do rock.

Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in my own shit, I forget that other people struggle too. They have goals and dreams, often much loftier & more inspiring than my own.

But life can be hard. How does one keep moving forward? Sometimes it feels as though life is designed to make you question yourself. If you know you love something and that's where you should be, what do you do when it seems like you'll never get there?

Do you change tacks? Maybe go in a different direction?

Sometimes even that feels like you're quitting.

What if you feel like putting the ol' "nose to the grindstone" is wearing you down?

What if you can't actually get to "Point A" from "Point Z"? What if you're supposed to stop in the middle, breathe & stay there for a bit?

How do you keep going? How do you even know when you get there?

It's the most wonderful time of the year

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:48:00 +0000

Well folks, it's almost that time.

No, not fall (though I love me a good cashmere cardigan).

Perhaps the "wedding to end all weddings"?

Maybe Daisy's wedding then?

Wrong on all counts....

wait for it....

IT'S MOTHERFUCKING HOCKEY TIME!!!!!

Yes, in less than 24 hours from right now, I will be watching my beloved Hawks on the television again. And you know what that means, don't you?

Imaginary Husband is back! I had a great photo of him playing golf, but it was all fuzzy when downloaded (you'll just have to trust me).

Ok, I do have an actual "deep thoughts" post that I'll get up shortly. Thanks for bearing with me.

It takes two.

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:55:00 +0000

I have very few things that I don't tell people. Not even on purpose really. Just like I have parts of my life that I don't discuss a lot.

So, we're gonna discuss one right now. For about two years I danced Argentinian Tango. That was almost two years ago.

I don't know why I'm thinking of it all of a sudden. My body instinctively wants to brush my knees & ankles together. I have found myself rising to the balls of my feet and doing steps in my kitchen. And why wouldn't I?

Just look at how pretty my tango shoes are:

(Yes they are that high. They are also designed for Tango and are specifically balanced.
I can spend several hours in them)

I always felt so unlike myself when I was dancing. Not in a bad way mind you. In a "for some reason you are not awkward when you dance" kind of way. It just made sense to me. I understood the swaying, the rhythm in my chest. How I could close my eyes, walk backwards and feel totally balanced.

I'm not even sure I miss it...
I think I might miss the way I thought about myself when I was dancing. I miss the awe that I felt when I watched my instructors dance.

Well, see for yourself.

Here's an even more awesome one. Yes, she is 9 months pregnant!

Trust me when I tell you, they did not choreograph these. They just do it. And that's what's so amazing about Tango. Once you learn the steps, once you know your way around the floor, you just do it. You just hear the music and do what your feet & heart tell you to do.

So now you know. Yes, I think I can dance.

Focus!

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 01:31:00 +0000

**Author's note: I wanted to get this post out for Rebecca to email, but don't miss the golden opportunity to welcome me back below**

So, I guess this means I am offish back. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to talk about professional things without bitching.

Inspired by the lovely Rebecca at Modite who was inspired by Jena at Modish, I'm going to join in on the September Monthly Goal Meetup

I am proud to present my September Career/Life Goals

1. Get my resume in real fightin shape. This search has been going on too long. It's time for me to buckle down, focus, and get this new job shiz done.

2. Cement my relationships. I've finally got myself a great crew of friends, and I'm determined to make these relationships the ones that finally work.

3. Learn the basics of HTML. I am hoping by doing this, I can help out the Pops and earn a little cash that I can promptly donate to J.Crew.

So, I know you all want to participate now, don't you? Well, I'm glad you asked.

To participate in the meet-up:

Post a list of your career/life related goals for Sept, along with your checked off August goals if you’d like, on your own blog
Come back here and leave a link to your post in the comments (*If you don’t have your own blog, feel free to share your list of goals right here in the comments to join in!)
Then, check out everyone else’s lists as they leave comments - click their links, visit their blogs, say hello, meet, greet and support each other because that’s what it’s all about!

Let's do the damn thing!

Is there anybody out there?

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 15:01:00 +0000

Um....hi. Remember me? *timidly waves*

Helloooooo? *echo echo echo*

I hope some people are still reading this. I'm back after an unfortunate "removal of stolen internet". I am now an honest woman.

I'm gonna take this nice and slow. You know what they say...use it or lose it. I'm really hoping that I haven't lost it.

It's been an odd couple of weeks. Slightly bumped & bruised, but I'm no worse for the wear.

I've managed to find my soul mates. Two ladies who when we are together make up for all the missing parts. And I simply adore them. In a short period of time, we've leaned on each other, cheered each other on and now I'm not sure how I've ever made it through some things without them.

I've got other things to talk about, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I think I'm still crystallizing some things.

BUT!!! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Namely,

BLACKHAWKS PRE-SEASON GAMES START IN 13 DAYS!!!!
Yes, ladies and gents. Hockey starts again in less than two weeks.

And as the first game is against the Caps, I have only one thing to say:

Hey D.C. peeps??? Your shit is goin dooooowwwn. Downtown.
(strangely cathartic)

Anyways, I'm glad I'm back. I know I've missed you. I hope you've missed me.

Quick & Dirty

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:57:00 +0000

So, if you follow my tweets you'll know I've been having some....connectivity issues.

Such is the life when you steal internet from your neighbors.

I'll be back shortly...I'll be paying for it then.

Damn.

Everlasting Love

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:32:00 +0000

On Saturday I got to spend an hour or so chatting with one of my favorite peeps. We took a drive, giggled, you know....girl stuff.

One problem. We were trapped in my car for that hour or so. Stuck in what will now be referred to as, "Hell On Earth" (the artist formerly known as Air & Water Show traffic).

Oh yeah, and the A/C died on us about 30 minutes into that ride. Needless to say, we were, uh...moist (and not in a good way) when we finally arrived at our first destination. Except we had to then take a harrowing, life flashing before our eyes cab ride to go and meet the star of the evening, THE BACHELORETTE.

Despite some schwetty boobs and slightly limp hair, the evening was a rollicking success. Riiiight up until I almost got into a fight with a dude in a bar.

You see, at the "dancing portion of the evening" we met a few gentlemen. These gentlemen happened to be Pens fans. Despite our initial comradery over the MASTERY of the Red Wings, it all went sour (as all my relationships inevitably do).

And I quote,

"Hey! You're a Blackhawks fan?"
"Uh, yeah. That's putting it mildly".
"Heh...you owe me 20 cents".
"WHAAAATTTT?" (it was loud)
"You owe me 20 cents. You know, like Patrick Kane!!!"

*cue record screeching in my head*

Ahem. I shant speak of him again. He is dead to me.

One last tidbit:

It turns out I am yearning for some sort of human contact. What else can explain the fact that sometime around 4 am, THE BACHELORETTE woke up to find us holding hands? Trust me boys...it's way more adorable little girl than hot lesbian action.

I think this is wonderfully indicative of our friendship. I think it's one of the cutest things I've ever heard.

And to my lovely friend THE BACHELORETTE:

Congrats on everything! Could not happen to a more fantastic girl and a more wonderful couple.
(and don't forget to watch out for fuzzy navels)
I luuuurve you.

Meesa Sleepy...

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 20:37:00 +0000

Hello Chickens!

Is everyone else sick of teh seeeex post yet? I know I am.

I'm resting after a whirlwind weekend. I'll put something together as soon as I wake up from this nap..zzzzzzz.....

But a little teaser:

It involved many schwetty situations. Rawr.

(Mrow? That's for you and you know who you are)

It's still the greatest

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 16:40:00 +0000

A short disclaimer:

Yes, I am about a gazillion years too late to the Kings of Leon party. Yes, the title is from the song "Sex on Fire". And yes, this is going to be about sex.

Sooo, the old hanky panky as it were. I'm just going to say this.

I am not necessarily one of those girls who immediately associate emotions & feelings with sex. I do not have to be dating you for me to be having great sex with you. Sometimes that even helps.

But, despite my more, uh, liberal views on sex, I have not had sex in a WHILE. Let's just leave it at that.

And it usually doesn't bother me. But every so often, something will set my mind to it, and then I'm consumed by it. And then the sex dreams start. Then memories flood back.

I can remember the feeling you get in your throat when someone touches your collarbone for the first time.

When someone's hands make the baby fine hair on your abdomen stand up straight.

The warmth that courses through your veins when...

When well, you know....
I still have to keep some of my modesty.

Weeeeooooohweeeeooohh

noreply@blogger.com (Dysfunction Junction:) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:33:00 +0000

That, is the sound of a siren.

Because my last post may have been a bit alarmist. I'm fine. Thanks to all who worried about me, I'm sorry to have made you fret.

Truth is, not much has changed since the last time I whined about things.

Mah girl Lemmonex has got herself a new gig. Please go & congratulate her. Then come back to me.

So, I have been new job searching in earnest since October 2008. I have not had ONE interview. NOT ONE. The reason I bring up Lemmonex is because her new job was like someone dumping a bucket of ice water on my head.

I have been in denial of my job hunting efforts.
"Oh, but I have great networking contacts."
"My LinkedIn is so on!"
"The economy sucks."

And so on and so forth.

I'm Type A. I refuse to believe that there is not a way for my to manage this better. I internalize this. It has to be something I'm doing wrong.

The problem is, that's where the thoughts stop. I don't have any line on the horizon. I can't see where this ends. I cannot see my finish line.

And it's torturing me.
Whine.