photo credit: Jim Grady

When relationships are at their best we are like teenagers on a rollercoaster ride. We are excited, our heart is racing, we are anticipating, “the ride of a lifetime.”

Every moment of a “relationship roller coaster” ride is filled with a new rush. As we do with the rollercoaster, so do we with relationships in that we are in position to take a risk. Granted it, it might be something you like and want to continue to do or not, and once you have had enough you want off or out. We trust the rollercoaster ride to keep us safe, secure, and not hurt us. In spite of all the twists and turns when the ride evens back out we are still intact.

Sometimes in life we have fastened out seat beats for a relationship rollercoaster ride that is meant to last forever and it goes wrong. As exciting as it was on the way up, the trip down takes on its own personality. Once the descent starts, it often times feels like it will never end.

When we are able to catch our breath we think, “What was I thinking getting on this ride?”

Now throughout the ride, between the twists and turns we reconsider staying in the relationship. The ride operator gives us just those couple of seconds that is takes to rebuild the confidence to take that next hill. In a relationship gone bad we continue to experience the disappointment of the downward spiral the relationship has taken. At what point do you get off? At what point do you decide that you don’t have to go through this? When do you notice that the people around you are having fun and you are not? What has happened in our lives that allow us to settle in relationships?

Here are signs it is time to get off your “relationship rollercoaster”:

1. When you feel your emotional needs are never being met
2. The relationship becomes physically or emotionally abusive
3. The “warm fuzzy” feelings you had are gone
4. You find your self disconnected from friends and family
5. You feel like an empty shell of your former self and have lost all of yourself esteem
6. You notice you have compromised your beliefs, ambitions, and core values.

Relationships take on many forms. We have relationships with parents, children, friends, significant others and even the clerk at the grocery store. There is a saying that “friendships are meant for a reason, season, or a lifetime.” The tough part is figuring out which is which. Managing the change that relationships produce can be challenging and one that counseling can prove helpful.

Patrice Dunn M.Ed., LPC is the presenter of the “Relationship Rollercoaster” workshop.  For additional information on upcoming workshops feel free to contact her at patrice@ichoosechange.com.

Learn more about Jennifer by clicking here.

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: muha…

I love taking vacations (don’t we all?). Unfortunately, like most people, I am only able to get away about once a year.   After my recent trip to Mexico, I decided that taking vacations are NOT optional!

This was a much needed trip—we have both been worn out from everything life has thrown our way:  work stress, family stress, and general social stress. And, to top if off, we are two people who are not always the most pleasant to be around when we haven’t fed our own “down time” needs!

Vacation Equals Mental Health

Most of us weather through life with many of the same everyday, mundane stressors.  Whether you choose to vacation with the entire family, or with just your significant other, this is why I think we should all be on a mission to make vacation MANDATORY:

• Vacationing gives you and your partner a chance to reconnect. Often times, we get too caught up in our day to day routine that we can lose sight of the little things that make life, and our relationships, special. Also, with TV, internet, and other distractions it is easy in “real life” to spend far less time together. Taking a vacation forces you to focus on each other—in a good way.
• Vacationing gets you out of your daily routine-which, lets face it, can sometimes be too routine. Going away gives you freedom from all of the monotonous tasks you face on a daily basis.
• Vacationing enables you to de-stress while truly being away from it all
• Relaxation. Let’s face it: Americans are great at their careers and taking care of their families, but we are not so great on taking time to relax. Relaxation is key in practicing self care, and managing things like anxiety and depression. Not surprisingly, the U.S. is a nation with one of the fewest amount of vacation days offered by employers. We need relaxation and vacation in order to be more productive-not only at work but at home as well.
• Vacationing gives you a break from the anxiety and stress that daily chores, work, and family responsibilities can cause.

You may be thinking, especially in this economy, that a “staycation” (taking time off from work, but staying home, using that time to run errands or fix up the house, etc.) is just as good as a going away vacation. However, I disagree.

A “staycation” is not a true vacation.

I am not suggesting you spend thousands of dollars on a luxury trip—you could easily drive to the next closest city or town and stay at a motel—the important thing is to have time away from home and away from all the things that stress you out every day. You will come back refreshed and ready to tackle life. Your kids will thank you, your spouse will thank you. But most importantly, you’ll thank yourself.

Erica S. Gould is a Licensed Professional Counselor helping children, teens, and adults achieve happiness and reach their full potential. She can be reached through her website at http://www.ichoosechange.com/erica.html.

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: tray

One of the first things I do when working with a client is ask them about their support group.  From friends, family, spouse, co-workers, church members, and others, I want to know who around this client knows what’s going on with them, and will support them no matter what.

Usually, I’m met with a “deer-in-headlights” look.

Rarely do clients want to take their “therapy issue” to their support system.  Spouses may know an angry side of the problem, but that’s not REALLY knowing.  But who helps us keep balanced?

By REALLY knowing someone, I’m talking about the core of that person.  The person that has such a bad day that you experience them as incredibly emotional, ready to “chuck it all,” and even inconsolable; the person who says they’re ready to divorce one day yet talk about their total bliss and great sex life the next; and the person who is incredibly self-absorbed and narcissistic some days over an exciting life projects.  They hear our twisted thinking, and they still love us.

So, this begs the question:  What kind of friends do you have? (And likewise, what kind of friend are YOU?)

In my view, there are three types of friends.  There are A friends, B friends, and C friends.  It’s important to know these types of friends because in tough times as well as happy times, your friendships are what matter MOST.  Let me explain…

“A” Friends - These are your compadres, your possee, and your absolute CLOSEST group of pals.  No, they aren’t just “pals.”  Your “A” friends are your “go to” people.  When times are at their lowest and you feel like you’re losing your mind, these are the people you can turn to.  From embarrassing times, sad times, angry times, stressed times and downright horrific times, these are the friends you turn to when you just need them to BE there. This friend is like family (in fact, could even BE a family member). You won’t have many of them, but this friend is a friend for life.  They are invaluable because they allow you the space to be who you are, craziness and all! (And, they aren’t afraid to “call you on your stuff.”)

“B” Friends - These are your “close” friends.  Yes, “A” friends are close, but they are more than close.  They know the inner-workings of your world and what makes you tick.  Your “B” friends are there for you, bring you family dinners during hard times, lend you their ear, and pick you up when you’re down.  Your “B” friends are invaluable, and we need them en masse.  These are the people you grab coffee with when you’re feeling a bit low so they can tell you how great you are - they give us balance.  While they don’t know the “craziness” you can sometimes feel when you’re an emotional basket case, they do understand frustrations, anger, sadness and they care that you feel better.

“C” Friends - These are your acquaintances.  From social parties, sporting events, work functions and just “hanging out,” your “C” friends are the ones you can call on to enhance your social life on an occasional basis.  These are merely social friends.  They add value to your life because they keep you connected to the world, to like-minded people with the same interests as you, and with those with commonalities like motherhood and career woes.  However, your “C” friends aren’t privy to the inner workings of your world. You may flippantly talk about how “frustrated” you were during a situation or how “embarrassing” it was to _____, but they couldn’t know how much one of those situations was truly life changing.

Most people who lack a sufficient support system have plenty of “C” friends, and the occasional “B” friend.  But they don’t have nearly enough “A” friends, if any at all.  Your “A” friends are absolutely ESSENTIAL.

All friendships are essential.

We need friends and family in our life because they help us feel connected, loved, and appreciated. However, without a sufficient amount of each type of friend, especially “A” friends, life can feel incredibly lonely.  Even with many acquaintances around, it’s lonely when you feel like there’s no one to call on and talk to about your deepest worries, woes and life challenges.

You won’t have many “A” friends, by my calculation.  They are a rare breed.  To be an “A” friend is exhausting at times, and let it be known, you exhaust your “A” friends. But that comes with the territory of that type of friendship. Nevertheless, if you’re going through life without sufficient “A” friends, seek them out.

Your “C” and “B” friends can become your “A” friends. There are qualities you’ll want to look for when you’re looking to move your friends up in rank:

• You just have a “gut feeling” they are genuine, truthful, and honest, or you’ve experienced them as such
• You’ve experienced them helping someone else in crisis, and when they talk about that person, it’s never in a condescending way
• This person is full of values and morals that closely match yours
• The integrity of this person is unlike most people you come in contact with
• Somehow when you talk to this person, you feel at ease, “normal,” and like you can “be yourself” - in fact, this person helps you feel normal again!
• This person doesn’t “jump on the bandwagon” with you when you’re in crisis mode.  In other words, they are WITH you during your pain, but they don’t JOIN you in your pain.
• This person knows when to call “BS” and they aren’t afraid to confront you (lovingly) when you need it
• There is no gossiping, judging, or “caddiness” with this friend - only pure acceptance and love!

If you haven’t found your “A” friend, seek her out!  This person is crucial.  And, once you have your “A” friends in place, don’t forget to nurture your “B” friends, and hang out with your “C” friends - they love and need you to.  AND, you never know when one of those friends is looking for their next “A” friendship!

See more posts at http://www.ichoosechange.com/blog

photo credit: voteprime

The reason we don’t change is pretty simple when you think about it.  Habits, beliefs, thoughts, and “paradigms” all have a lot to do with it, but before we jump right in, let’s recap exactly how our belief system works:

• Whatever we practice becomes a habit (or belief).
• Habits (Beliefs) are rooted in our subconscious, where they function without our awareness or our permission.
• Since habits (beliefs) are alive, they will, like anything living, fight to stay alive.
• We have learned to feel certain ways, out of habit (belief).

It may not seem fair, but what was created as habit years and years ago, still remains within the psyche today. Insisting on dessert after every meal, running late to work most days, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting in traffic on the expressway on the way to work (instead of taking the train), fighting with the spouse about money, feeling sad during the holidays - all habits! I could go on and on…

Habits are at work in all of us right now, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. And because habits are so cunning and commanding, they get in the way of any positive life developments that are being made.

Three Ways We Avoid Change

When new information conflicts with our old habits, it throws us for a loop! We tend to opt for “outs” so we don’t have to embrace the new idea. Earnie Larsen, in his book, Stage II Recovery, explains three ways we use our “outs” to our detriment.

Out 1. We discredit the information

After reading or hearing something new, our instinct might be to think, “This is ridiculous! Who would ever believe this?” The new thoughts are challenging the old thoughts, and it doesn’t “feel” right.  New information heard becomes “untrue” simply because we can’t process something within our brain’s old way of thinking and believing.

Out 2. We discredit the source

When hearing or reading something not previously heard, and that something is not within our present way of thinking, we can quickly weaken the source that brought us this new thought. “That guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he were walking in my shoes, he wouldn’t say such a stupid thing!”

The reality is, the source of information can be questioned almost anytime it’s presented. However, when what is heard doesn’t fit into our current way of thinking (our belief), it’s easy to discount the presenter almost without question or further inquiry and research.

Out 3. We remove ourselves from the source of the conflicting information

In other words, we remove ourselves from the group that is giving the information that we don’t like. The tendency is to say, “I’ll never go back to that group! None of them has their head on straight!”

As a Psychotherapist and Life Coach, these “outs” are rampant in the consulting room and it is the number one reason that clients quit. “Quit” is such a harsh word to use; however, only 10% of those who begin therapy actually end therapy because they feel they’ve received what they needed.  Ending feels like the natural (and desired) transition. The other 90% quit because they just aren’t able to fit the new information into their old way of thinking and believing (yet!).

Often, clients go to therapist after therapist or coach after was searching for one who is less confrontive and more in alignment with their line of thinking. 

If a client hears something from Therapist X that they don’t like (it doesn’t fit into their current belief system), they’ll move along to Therapist Y. When the going gets rough there, and they hear something that again doesn’t fit their current way of thinking (their current belief system), they’ll move on to Therapist Z.

Along the way, the client who can’t seem to fit the new information into their old way of thinking will use Out #1 by discrediting the new information given to them, Out #2 by discrediting the person who told them the new information and, finally, Out #3 when they say, “I’m out of here. This is quackery!” They move on to yet another new therapist or coach. And, probably, the cycle repeat.

Don’t Be a Cop Out

Embracing the idea that whatever we do over and over and over again, ad-nauseum, becomes habit, will make us aware that every single thing we do, say and feel is, in fact, a habit! Even this idea may be a new one for you, but don’t “out” it yet…

The reality is, if someone has been depressed for a very long time, the depression is now a habit - it’s engrained in the belief system. If we haven’t slept in the same bed with our spouse in 5 years, the behavior is now a habit - it’s just part of the pattern and life that is now engrained. When our physician tells us we now have high cholesterol and high blood pressure, then we still don’t start to work out or change our eating habits, it is because of what is engrained in us. These are our habits. These are our beliefs.

And, of course, we can use the excuse, “This is the way I am and I can’t change.” Not so! This is merely removing yourself from the source of the conflicting information (Out #3) by being in denial of a new (and challenging) reality.

What you DO is not the same as who you ARE.  Simply saying, “This is the way I am and I can’t change” is a copout.

Old habits die hard, but they simply must die if any real change is going to occur. The power of persuasion is huge and there is a constant battle between what WAS and what WILL BE. In the middle is habit.

As Alan Deutschman remind us in Change or Die, we are more likely to die than to change. But if we are to be one of those 10% who really WILL change, we must embrace, know and believe, no matter what, that the three ‘outs’ given above are real and true.

Related posts:

1. Twisted Thinking: How it’s Really Messing Things Up

photo credit: gilesclement

Stop pointing fingers.  In difficult situations, being able to examine ourselves in a full-length mirror is crucial.  We want to be able to ask, “What part did I play in this situation? What were my errors?  Where are my flaws?”

Taking responsibility of our own thoughts, emotions and actions is empowering!  It means we are able to step back from a situation and view it from a different perspective.  We’re able to look beyond ourselves and see an alternative way of thinking - an alternative belief.  

Personal responsibility is a choice.

Blame is crippling.  It creates anger, resentment, frustration, self-loathing, depression, and bitterness.  Yet, we all have a tendency sometimes (or more than sometimes), to blame other people, ourselves or situations for how we feel, what we think, and what we do.

In his new book, “Feeling Good Together,” David Burns discusses the issue of blame at length.  Blame is one of those “distorted thoughts” we cognitive therapists recognize almost immediately.  The opposite of blaming is taking personal responsibility for your OWN thoughts, feelings, and actions.  What Dr. Burns outlines in his book is empowering:

Self-Blame Characteristics:

• Tell yourself things like, “I’m not good enough, It’s all my fault, and I’m hopeless.” 
• Feel guilty, ashamed, inferior, anxious, and hopeless.
• Withdraw and start to loath yourself, unable to handle any criticism whatsoever.
• Avoid other people, shutting down and inducing loneliness.
• Look demoralized, discouraged, defeated and defective.
• Become lonely, depressed, anxious, and stuck in an isolated world.

Other-Blame Characteristics:

• Say thinks like, “He’s such a jerk!  She is completely wrong, and It’s all his fault!”
• Feel angry, resentful, hurt, and frustrated.
• Remain defensive, arguing about how you’re “right” and the other person or situation is “wrong.”
• Put up walls of resentment, fighting and arguing to protect yourself or to get back at someone.
• Look judgmental, defiant, sarcastic, and hurt.
• Become bitter, argumentative, and unrealistic over time.

Personal Responsibility Characteristics:

• Remain objective and non-judgmental, recognizing personal errors and taking steps toward resolution.
• Feel a sense of self-respect, but also healthy sadness, concern or remorse in difficult situations.
• Listen while trying to find truth in other’s feedback and criticism. 
• Share own feelings, yet being respectful of other’s feelings and thoughts.
• Engage others to develop better understanding of their perspective and viewpoint.
• Remain open, receptive, respectful, empathic, interested, and caring.
• Experience more intimacy, trust, satisfaction, and self-respect.

It is a challenge when, in the heat of a moment of a difficult situation, we stop to think about how WE are behaving that is creating the emotional upheavel.  We are 100% responsible for the frustration, anger, sadness, and any other emotional disturbance we feel in any given scenario.  Change occurs when we make the choice to re-examine ourselves, fully, in a full-length mirror.

Get I Choose Change’s FREE Change Kit - “How To” Articles to Get Your Change Efforts Started.

Related posts:

1. Get Out of Your Way: Taking Responsibility Of your Own Life
2. Twisted Thinking: How it’s Really Messing Things Up
3. Personal Myths: How to Rewrite History