Family law cases are emotional.  Violence is more likely to break out in family court than any other court, including criminal court.  The issues reach the core of our value system and question our definitions of right and wrong in the most personal way imaginable.

Family law is defined overwhelmingly by state; that is, each state has a different set of laws.  However, we see many of the same terms, ideas, and processes across states and even around the world.  I’ll try to define these terms, keeping a running list with a brief description.

In more posts I’ll explore them in more depth.  I’ll explain the processes, the individual events, and try to show the law in its historical context.  This list is a work in process; if you believe there is a term that belongs here, or an alternative definition, please leave a comment or send me an email.

Adversarial Process.  The notion that when two attorneys fight one another, under a predetermined series of laws, the truth will emerge.  This often does not work well in family court.

Alienation.  A process where one parent tries to convince a child the other parent is bad.  Rarely successful and typically viewed by judges as a form of child abuse.  Also referred to as Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS.

Alimony.  Ongoing payments from one parent to the other to take care of the parent.  Sometimes these are very short-term and other times the payments last forever.  Some states don’t have alimony.

Annulment.  Pretending the marriage didn’t happen.  Usually rare unless the couple changes their mind very quickly.

Appeal.  Asking a higher court, typically with a panel of judges, to review the decision of a lower court, which usually has only one judge.

Arbitration.  Private court.  Typically each side picks one judge, and together they pick a third.  Many family law issues, especially custody and alimony, are not eligible for arbitration.

Assets.  Your stuff, whether tangible (like a car) or intangible (like a business deal).

Attorney.  A licensed professional that knows the law and represents an individual.  An attorney must abide by the laws and rules governing attorneys, but must also watch out solely for the best interests of their client; attorneys are usually required to be adversarial — their job is to fight, not make or keep the peace.

Attorney Ad Litem.  Similar to a Guardian Ad Litem except they argue on behalf of a child, rather than stand in place of a child.  Basically a lawyer to represent your child.

Best Interest Test.  A series of criteria, usually created by elected officials, which family court judges use to determine what is best for a child.  These vary wildly by state and change over time within the same state.

Bankruptcy.  Where you’re likely to end up if you fight too much about who gets what.  A process defined by federal law allowing a person to eliminate their debt either immediately or over time.

Chancery.  Fancy term for Court of Equity; a court operating under rules of fairness.  Most family court proceedings take place in equity, or chancery.

Child Support.  Payments from one parent to the other to support the child.

Child Support Formula.  All states are required to have a math-based formula used to determine the appropriate amount of child support based.  These usually take into account the number of children, the time each child spends with each parent, and the income of each parent.  Judges usually must have a good reason for awarding support substantially higher or lower than the support formula.  Also called Child Support Guidelines.

Civil Contempt.  Typically contempt of court — refusing to obey a court order — regarding children or alimony.  Overwhelmingly, failure to pay alimony or child support.  People are often jailed for contempt though can be released if they pay a “purge” amount — some amount they can afford.

Community Property.  A presumption that everything acquired during a marriage — both assets and debts — are owned 50/50 to prevent bickering over who purchased/build/acquired or borrowed what and when.  Most states are not community property states.

Complaint.  The divorce itself.  Divorces are a type of lawsuit; complaint means that one person is suing the other to end the marriage.  In some states it matters who is the petitioner and who is the respondent; in many states it doesn’t matter.

Contempt.  Misbehaving in front of the judge, typically by refusing to answer a question, follow an order, or acting especially obnoxious.

Contingent Assets & Debts.  Assets and debts that may happen.  A common type of contingent asset is a business deal in the works.  A common type of contingent debt is taxes owed.

Custodial Parent.  The primary parent the child lives with.  In rotating custody both parents are the custodial parent.

Custody.  Where the children will live and under what circumstances they’ll visit the other parent.

Debts.  Everything you owe whether it’s a formal debt or not.

Deposition.  A question and answer session under oath and with a court reporter recording everything.

Discovery.  The process where each party figures out what the other has and what their issues are.  Unlike TV, by the time an issue reaches a hearing or trial surprises are extremely rare.

Dissolution.  Fancy word for a divorce.

Domicile.  Where you are or were, with the intent to stay: long business trips or vacations don’t count.  This is important for deciding where your divorce can be filed and also, sometimes, for deciding how certain property should be treated.

Enforcement.  Asking the court to enforce its prior order, usually after a divorce is final.

Equitable Distribution.  For non community property states the process of divvying up the assets and debts.  About as fun as a colonoscopy.

Equity.  Fancy term for fairness.

Financial Affidavit.  A form — usually signed under oath — where you list all your income, expenses, assets, debts … this allows each side to negotiate a fair deal.

Grounds for Divorce.  The reason you’re splitting.  Usually “irreconcilable differences.”  In fault-based states the grounds for divorce can understandably be a wide and wild range of reasons.

Guardian Ad Litem.  Literally an adult to stand in for and represent the interests of the child when the parents are bickering.

Hearing.  A mini-trial, sometimes lasting only a few minutes, where a judge decides a part of a case.

Indirect Criminal Contempt.  Not following a court order, on matters that are not civil contempt, out of sight of the judge.  The most common is failure to honor a restraining order.

Judgment.  The final order of the Court.  In contested cases this is who wins and loses; in uncontested cases it just ratifies (makes legal) the agreement the couple have come up so that it’s enforceable.

Jurisdiction.  A concept whereby a court is allowed to hear your case.

Legal Custody.  Which parent can make decisions for the child.  This is often shared.  Called Decision Making Authority in some states.

Magistrate.  Mini-judge.  It’s tough and expensive to become a judge so many states have people who act like judges but whose decisions are subject to review by full judges.  Some states force couples to use magistrates; in others they’re voluntary.

Mediation.  A process where a neutral third party tries to get the parties to agree.  Mediation cannot force somebody to agree to something though they can nudge and provide perspective.

Motion.  Asking the court to do something.

No-Fault divorce.  An option in every state except New York (those New Yorkers love their fights) where the parties essentially say the marriage just didn’t work out rather than bicker over who caused the marriage to fall apart.  Some states essentially only allow no-fault divorce, though the issue of fault can come up when deciding custody issues.

Order.  Just what it sounds like; the court is ordering somebody to do something.  Decisions are typically called orders.

Petitioner.  The person asking for the divorce.  Realistically this usually doesn’t matter.  Most modern pleadings use the term husband or wife, or former husband and former wife for post-marital spats.

Pleading.  Basically a paper submitted to the court.  It could ask a judge to do something, alert the judge to something, or just serve as a record that you’ve alerted the other side that you’ve done something.

Pro Se Litigant.  A person representing themselves without a lawyer.  Over half of family cases do not use lawyers.

Reconciliation.  Changing your mind and getting back together.  Actually happens a lot more than anybody would guess.

Respondent.  The person who isn’t the petitioner.  See petitioner for a better explanation.

Restraining Order.  An order to not do something; to not call, to stay away, to stop bad-mouthing a parent in front of a child.

Rotating Custody.  A shared custody arrangement where the child lives equal time with both parents.   This may seem counter-intuitive but many child psychologists say it works best for the child.

Separation.  Typically living apart though in many states a more formal mini-divorce.  Rules of separation vary widely state-by-state.

Settlement.  Using the terminology of one of the brighter judges “a blessing” when they occur in family court.  A process where the couple makes an agreement without the judge deciding.

Summons.  A demand to either show up or file something with the Court.

Trial.  Think the second half of Law & Order, but without a jury.

Uncontested Dissolution.  The couple has agreed not to fight; usually they create some form of Marital Settlement Agreement.

Once upon a time, a respectable 53 year old woman was done raising her children and embarking on her second career.  I was a late bloomer… very late.  I had my children when I was almost 40. I will be sixty years old when my baby graduates from High School. Depressed yet?  Don’t be.  I waited. I waited till I was ready. Well, you’re never really ready.  But I did hold out for true love.  For the sparks and the fireworks and the throbbing in my vagina.  And I got it all, and then some.

Marriage.  Women spend their entire life preparing for it.  As little girls we act out our weddings over and over again.  We plan the ceremony, reception and even the honeymoon for decades. You would think that by the time it actually arrives we would be ready.  Everything would be perfect.  Down to the cake. I dreamt of my death by chocolate cake with white butter cream frosting, tiered over my head, for 36 years.  Imagine my surprise on my wedding day when we cut into that perfect white icing only to find white cake inside.

Well duh!  NOTHING IS PERFECT.  Usually it is the opposite of perfect. It is the hardest thing that you will ever do.  Marriage & children. But that is life. And we can live it, or spend our years bitching.  I choose both.

Hi, my name is Jo, and I am a victim. A victim of circumstance. A victim of my parents.  A victim of my sisters.  A victim of all my girlfriends.  A victim of every man who ever dared to be attracted to me.  A victim of that poor guy I cut off this morning.  A victim of myself.  Don’t misunderstand.  I don’t blame any of these people.  A good martyr never does.  And I am one of the best.

So back to the question I first posed, how did I get here?  Well, you may ask, where am I?  I am in a bit of a dilemma here.  The nice big and juicy kind we martyrs love to be enmeshed in… we live for them actually.

I actually began writing this four years ago… before the word blog was in anyone’s vocabulary. It is amazing how little everything has changed and at the same time how outrageous a situation the whole thing has unraveled into.  The story, funny and tragic, heartwarming and sad, is a cross between a bad TV movie and a brilliant novel, or maybe just a brilliant novel that was ruined by making into a TV movie…there ya go.

DIVORCE. May I have the origin of the word please?  ORIGIN early 19th cent.: from French divorcée ‘divorced woman.’  Can you use it in a sentence please?  Can you tell Mr. Ex to go fuck himself please?  D-I-V-O-R-C-E, DIVORCE.

This story may have been told before, but never with the level of martyrdom and self-indulgence that I intend to put forth in this blog. So fasten your seat belts…it is going to be a bumpy ride.

On the day that my husband of 15 years moved out of our home, I sat in my friend’s whirlpool tub … jets soothing my body … glass of wine in hand (it was 9:30 in the morning but it was five o’clock somewhere).  My good friend had come to my house and taken me to hers and “cared” for me.  She did this so I wouldn’t be home when “he” packed his things.  As I sat there with the bubbles swirling around me, I saw a plaque on her wall.  It said, “Pull on your big girl panties and deal with it.”  I knew at that moment that I had found my mantra.  That is what I would do.  I would find my power, I would not get bitter, I would get better.  I would in fact, I told myself, Divorce like a Diva!

I made it through the day … I had been preparing for it for years.  You heard me … I said years.  Mr. Ex and I had been in therapy during those years and remained in therapy for months after he moved out.  Our goal: To have a healthy divorce.  So, I was prepared — I was ready — and we made the choice together.

Years later, I find myself staring at that same plaque that now rests on my desk.  Each day, I am inspired by the words.  Each day, I am thankful that my family, by choice and hard work is experiencing a healthy divorce.

More importantly, I now find myself in the role of being a successful life coach to other women who are now navigating their own journey of divorce. I am on a mission to “Change the world one Diva at a time.”

What does that really mean?  Let me share my definition of the word Diva, as I use it in all of my work.  I define a Diva as a strong and fabulous woman who believes in herself, her strengths and her talents. She knows what she wants and goes after her dreams with integrity. She is loving, compassionate and supports and encourages healthy relationships. A true diva is open to healing, growing and defining her life on her own terms.

I am passionate about helping women just like you, find their power and walk out of the role where they play victim to their divorce and into their own magnificence.  You see, we all have a choice when faced with difficult situations. We make the choice to get bitter or get better.  It is choice you must make.  It is really that simple.

In my work, I often see adults who continue to experience the trauma of their parent’s divorce.  I have come to realize that is not only the divorce that causes trauma, which affects children into adulthood.  Yet, it is the way we as parents handle the divorce, and our reactions to it, which matter most.   It is this pain that adult children of divorce still experience into adulthood.  The continued trauma is in reaction to parents who were unable to handle their loss and turned it into anger, rage and depression. Of course, all of these factors significantly affect children and their development in childhood and often into their adult years.

Divorce will impact our children, that is certain.  If we are careful — aware of our grief, our pain, the anger — and chose to address our issues and take responsibility for our emotional health, divorce will have a far less impact.

In both my group coaching course and my private coaching practice, I tell my clients they have Diva Wings… they have the ability to soar.  It is by letting go of the past that they will be successful.  By letting go of the pain and the anger,  a person will make room for feelings of happiness and joy.  It will be difficult work, and this is where the big girl panties are necessary. PULL THEM UP!  Take your power back.  It is important for you and your children.

So it is again the words on the plaque that I look at on my desk that draw me in.  The plaque that my friend gave me on that painful day several years ago, as I sat in the tub, bubbles swirling around me.  At that moment, I knew how I would handle my divorce and now I want you to know how you can handle yours.

Put on your Big Girl Panties and Deal with It!

Xoxo

Diva Coach Dabney

www.divacoachdabney.com
www.twitter.com/divacoachdabney

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1238916353

“My client believes that permanent alimony is necessary to the extent that she’ll need medication for the rest of her life,” said her lawyer.

At that time, ten years was around when permanent alimony was an option; before ten it was less likely, after ten more likely.  These kids looked like they’d been starting high-school ten years ago; the request made no sense.

“Huh?” asked the Judge.  “What’d he do that she now needs meds for life?”

“He admits to giving her herpes during the marriage.”

The judge laughed, looked at the young man, and said “I’d like to have been there for that dinner conversation.”  The divorce lawyers — family law attorneys, as they like to call themselves — barely looked up.  She started crying; he looked like he was going to faint.

Welcome to Family Court.  The non-court.  The court of equity, a legal term meaning fairness.  The original Court of Equity was called the Chancery; its origins trace back to the medieval “Star Chamber” where the landed gentry — the rich and powerful — tortured people as part of their trials in the name of fairness.  They seemed to always find that what was in the best interests of the landed gentry was also most fair.  Some things never change.

Waiting for another hearing a man was asking for a continuation of his divorce trial, scheduled in two weeks, because he’d undergone open-heart surgery a week before.   Motion denied; the court has a schedule to keep.  If the guy wasn’t already visibly green, looking like he was going to die any minute, that would have done it.  Fairness?  Not if it means disrupting the calendar.

We want to hear your stories about divorce court, about the family law system.  We’re well aware it’s a dysfunctional mess, but by expressing your own stories you’ll help others who wonder if they’ve fallen through the looking glass.

I’m Michael, a co-founder of idivorce.com.  I’ll also relay my own story, one of the wildest I’ve ever heard.  The facts are literally insane; they sound made up.  So I’ll post lots of documentation.  Assuming my ex-wife, a web vet like me, wants to tell her side she’s welcome to do so; this is an open invite and a promise not to edit anything.

Along the way I’ll also show what the various pleadings are.  Pleadings is a term for the legal papers submitted to the court.  I’ll upload examples and explain how they’re used, what they mean, and when necessary add historical perspective.  Laws vary between states but the principles are usually similar.

Besides litigants we’d also like to hear from family law attorneys, divorce lawyers.  You made this mess; explain it to “regular” people.  Articulate a clear vision, explain the history of the system, show why it’s the best of many possible bad alternatives, and you’re likely to garner new clients.

Children are sweet.  Feed them.

Hey relationship therapists, marriage counselors, psychologists, family law attorneys, accountants, and — of course — regular people interested in sharing their end-of-relationship stories: we want you.

Having scoured the web, social media sites, and read through the Twitter feeds we’ve come to realize there’s scattered information about end of relationship issues … and lots of junk.  Authors aren’t always identified, professional affiliations aren’t verified, and the accuracy of a lot of the information is questionable.

Write for us.  You’ll find clients and increase your exposure.  You’ll be featured with your photo and contact information displayed next to your articles.  Articles will be automatically cross-linked increasing their exposure in search engines.  You’ll help people, and find clients, and it won’t cost you anything.  You can also have an idivorce.com email address, if you want.

And, yes, you’re allowed — even encouraged — to link back to your own blog and elsewhere, as long as the links are pertinent to what you’re writing about.  Our rules are easy: articles must be accurate, complete, well written, and have value to the readers.  In short, we’re looking for the type of writing that you’d want to read.

If you’d like to write for us please send an email to karyn@idivorce.com or fill out the form below with your name, credentials, and contact information; we’ll write or call you back.

Our goal is to grow the best central source of divorce information online or off.  Consider joining us.

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