The last week has been pretty awesome. Danny and I got into the stupidest fight ever. Afterwards we talked a lot, and agreed, no more fighting. We’d tell each other what’s wrong, exactly when it’s wrong. So far, it’s been working out. It’s the way we used to do things, but I don’t know what happened to that. He asked me why I’m not happy here anymore. I told him that because of all the fights, it doesn’t feel like a safe haven anymore. It wasn’t a place where I didn’t have to worry about anything.. but that because of everything that has gone on it felt like I was always on edge (like I was at Richard’s house).

Since we had that talk, things have been pretty amazing. If he snaps, within the hour he explains that he’s sorry, and why he reacted the way he did, and we move past it. Same for me. I’ve got less than 2 weeks left before I peace out again, so I’m taking this time to really spend with him. I’ll be staying with Anneloes my last four days.

It’s going to be hard being away from him and Richard for a month, but I’m sure I’ll manage.

Other than that, things are pretty freaking awesome. I’m super excited to go back to the states and see people I haven’t seen in months (and get some awesome more postcards to send!)

But anywho, that is all!

Yay for an awesome week :)

He came over, tried to make me feel better, and I pretty much curled up into a ball away from him. I was scared to let him touch me.. I was scared to have him that close to me. I kept my ears plugged, so he ended up writing to me on a piece of paper. He asked if I wanted him to leave, I nodded my head yes. So he went to the store with his mom. A bit later Richard came and picked me up. Was on my way to Ann’s house when she texted me and told me that someone else had come over that she forgot was coming over. It was a bit of a slap in the face.. simply because I really needed a friend, not a boyfriend, and yeah. Though, I understand that she didn’t do it to hurt me, she just forgets things easily XD

I almost debated calling Rebecca and asking if I could hang out with her, but I’m starting to feel like I talk to her about my relationship with Danny far too much. And maybe she’s not interested in hearing it. So I decided not to. Richard and I instead went to the AH and got some food for him to make his mom for Mother’s Day. I asked Danny when I was allowed to come back over. He said that he wanted me back asap. After Richard and I were done at the AH(whoops, forgot people don’t know what that is… Albert Heijn, which is a grocery store) he took me back to Danny’s. I would have opted for staying with Richard at his place, but I’m not welcome in that house, and I didn’t want to deal with his mom. I really can not wait until he has his own place.

Got back to Danny’s and I was.. hesitant to talk, at all. We ended up talking things through though. He told me that he wants me on medication.. hearing that, was..difficult.

We ended up working out what was wrong, and for the first time in a while, I didn’t feel like crap. I wasn’t zomg happy, but I wasn’t sad. He started talking about how he talked to his mom about what happened. He told her that when I’m happy, and nothing is wrong, that I’m perfect. I kinda, couldn’t believe my ears. Danny never calls anything perfect. He thinks as a scientist would. Very logical, very linear. He does not say something, unless he means it.

Since he said that.. the rest of the night I thought about everything. I told him that I didn’t want to have to take meds. I didn’t want something to be wrong with me, that I couldn’t control on my own. Right as we were going to sleep though, I remembered that he had called me perfect.. at least when I was happy, and I honestly debated taking the medication, so I could be perfect for him again.

Anywho, things are better today. I’ve been browsing post crossing all day. Thinking of making some of my photos, and some of Laura’s photos(if she’ll allow it) into postcards. Also thinking up the best ways to learn Dutch.. I really do need to at least be partially fluent.

And that, is all for today. Hopefully tomorrow won’t be a depressing post.. and maybe even some nommies.. like cupcakes.

Well, last night, we actually wound down. I was laying on his shoulder, and we were just talking. It felt so nice to talk again, even if it was complete randomness. At that point and time I felt, safe, free, relaxed. I wasn’t waiting for something bad to happen that might hurt my feelings.. all my walls were down, and I felt at peace. By far, the best that I’ve felt, in a really really long time. It was nice to let go..to relax.. to feel like I still knew who I was, it was just hard to get to the state that I could be “her”.

Sadly, all things come to an end, eh?

I was in the middle of talking about something, and he tried to sit up to look at the time. I, personally have no idea why the time matters when you have nothing to do the next day… I didn’t think it mattered either, because I wanted my feelings to last as long as they possibly could. It was nice to feel happy again.

Well, he ended up looking at the time. Decided that it was too late, and started bitching about how when we talk like this I always keep him up too late and that he wanted to go to sleep. Unreasonable, no. Still, it hurt, like hell. Lately it’s always been something that I’ve done that is wrong. I try not to keep him up late, and if he says he wants to go to sleep, I usually leave it, and let him. Last night, however I couldn’t just leave it.. because I didn’t want to leave the feeling.

I started crying because it felt like I was being denied happiness, that no matter what I was going to do, it was going to be wrong. (I love how emotions aren’t rational at all..) I cried for about an hour. Guess Danny had already gone to sleep.. because he didn’t even move the whole time I was crying, and when I got out of the bed. I decided to move to the couch. Sometimes.. being alone can help me calm down. I ended up falling asleep..

He woke me up this morning..and right as I woke up.. the only thing I felt was sadness. I have no idea why either.. maybe because of last night.. I have no idea. He asked why I slept on the couch.. and I haven’t answered him yet. Part of me feels like he’s just better off not knowing, so it can’t be added to the list of stupid shit that seems to hurt me.

*sigh*

Going shopping soon, at least I think we are. I haven’t decided if I want to stay here.. today should be interesting..

Actually.. yeah I think I will keep it to myself.. I just found something on the community forums that we have. Apparently he’s going to be playing Diablo 3, as soon as it’s released.. when he has school the next morning (it’s being released at midnight..) So, he’s willing to stay up late, and be late/miss school the next day, for a game.. but unwilling to stay up