If I Ran...

If I Ran Pro Hockey

noreply@blogger.com (eric) — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 21:00:00 +0000

Typically I stick to the clubbing of seals: it's easy and I can do it while drinking. But since I have recently learned of the law forbidding the sale of "oosiks" I needed another, equally docile creature to beat up on. Naturally preferring the cold I chose professional hockey; especially Gary Bettman and that little show he runs called the NHL.

First, to explain the title, I initially intended to run the NHL only, but if you continue reading, you will see that one of my suggestions would be so blasphemous as the head of the NHL that I would likely be fired, shot in the head and then rehired so they could fire and shoot me once more. Thus, I will instead be a little more ambitious and take a look at professional hockey in North America to see if I can clean any of this nonsense up and once again make hockey more popular than figure skating - a daunting task to say the least.

Enough of this Versus crap
I don't get Versus, I've never watched Versus except for a few hockey games at a friend's house (who has Direct TV)… hell, it used to be the Outdoor Life Network. Recalling the last hockey game I attended, it was in fact indoors, making this partnership a strange one to say the least.

You know, the owners are happy because they are making money again since they installed a salary cap. But one has to wonder how many additional bones they could make if they had decent network coverage. Right now, the NFL rakes in billions, and is so far ahead of the curve that I can't even use them for comparison… they are off the charts.

But MLB and the NBA rake in about $700-$800 million in media deals each season. Not only are they better deals in terms of coverage, but they are pulling in about 1,000% of what the NHL currently makes in TV deals. How do owners not make more money with better television contracts? I really have no idea how this isn't obvious to Gary Bettman and his crew of owners, but first thing is first, get the NHL back on ESPN and get at least a game per weekend on FOX, ABC, or NBC.

It might help to at least pull in $100 million while you're at it.

Fire Bettman!
I think that really covers it… moving on.

All Star games are for chumps
The All Star game is a pretty archaic thing in sports. It was really a place for the league to showcase its star players, ones who fans would not normally see because of limited media coverage outside of the local market. But in a day and age where a fan ~~can~~ should be able to cheaply purchase games online to watch, I can sit in my living room in Pullman, WA and watch the likes of Sidney Crosby and Joe Thornton any time I want. So in reality, the All Star game, in most sports, is kind of a joke.

Players aren't playing their hardest - in hockey its pretty much a no-contact game - and all the shenanigans get in the way of the game. All this means that the game itself, is not a real hockey game - so let's have some fun with it. How about putting a two-point line on the ice so any shots that are taken from beyond the arc that go in net count double? Hell, I'd probably watch if they played 20 minutes with two pucks on the ice. But if they came up with some interesting ideas just to make the All Star game more like a video game, maybe they could sucker a few people to sit down and watch a little.

Stop catering to the non-fan
It's a really strange decision, that obviously someone in the NHL made years back, that it was okay to screw with the game in its current form in order to attract new viewers. Every year rule changes are put into place that help to increase scoring. Only problem with that in my mind is that as hard as they work to "liven up" the game of hockey to get people excited about it, they pretty much lose one fan for every new one they get.

Also, I feel that people do like hockey, but I personally hate being treated like a hockey-moron each time I tune into a game and the announcers feel the need to explain a line change. Something that I believe the league encourages to attract new fans who don't understand the rules.

I really don’t remember tuning into a football game where they explained the five yard contact rule. Start acting like a legitimate sport and not a degenerate whore who needs fans like Whitney needs crack, and maybe people will start seeing hockey as a legit sport on the map. Not only that, but I feel that the league would be better off trying to get the casual hockey fans - the ones who already like hockey but could watch more, buy more merch., etc. - into the die hard fans. It's easier and cheaper than getting an entirely new fan base.

Euro sized ice
There is one rule I'd like to see changed though, and I'd like to see Eruo sized rinks. Not because I want it to open it up for more scoring, but I feel that the larger rinks tend to give way to a faster game. Many times our North American version of hockey looks like little kid soccer with everyone bunched around the puck. Bigger ice might just help the game flow better, and also encourage teams to ditch the "dump and chase" tactic that really can bog down the pace of a game.

Expansion
Okay, so here's the idea that would get me dragged out of my first NHL board meeting kicking and screaming. Expand.

No, don't expand the NHL. If I wanted more crap I'd eat more fiber. Expand pro hockey in North America. Alternate football leagues have been kicked around every 2-3 years with one major problem: the NFL works and makes billions. People see those billions and want a piece. But with the NFL and NCAA, the football market is pretty much all tapped out. If we wanted more football then the Arena leagues, the CFL and NFL Europe would be big time - but they're not.

Nope, if you want to create a competing league, it might be a good idea to compete with a league that is really only good at telling you the best way at getting your head completely and totally up your own ass. If Mark Cuban and company want to start something successful, here's the perfect opportunity.

With the new salary cap in place, players may be able to be wooed over to this new league with money that the NHL can't offer. All they need is a dozen teams to start, put out a challenge to the NHL for a winner take all championship and watch how the cards play. No, the league may not ultimately be successful, but what better way to wake up the NHL than to threaten to put them out of business?

Exploit the fantasy market
Right now MLB is trying to own fantasy baseball… that's not exactly what I mean when I say to exploit the fantasy market. I suppose the correct wording would be for the NHL to "embrace" the fantasy market.

Baseball is baseball, but fantasy baseball certainly helps turn the casual fan into a die hard baseball nerd who digests stats for breakfast and keeps a watchful eye on the sport. Hell, I honestly wonder how many fantasy baseball fans out there buy the MLB Extra Innings package or the MLB.tv package so they can watch their fantasy players live?

Well, fantasy hockey is very similar to fantasy baseball in that it is a daily sport which requires managers to know who is playing when, what line they will be playing on, and what goalie is getting the start. It really wouldn't hurt the NHL to dive right in and not only allow fantasy games to happen, but to do whatever they can to help ESPN.com, Yahoo! Et. Al. give fans the best fantasy hockey experience. Perhaps it is just me, but I see this area as one to embrace to help turn the casual fan into a die hard fan, and get people a little more interested in hockey.

Conclusion
So as you can see, I am legitimately crazy... crazy like a fox! Hockey is a great sport; this of course coming from a former hockey player who ultimately chose football over hockey despite the fact that I probably had a brighter "career" in hockey.

But to sum it up, there's really only two ways to fix the NHL: 1) hire a competent and creative commissioner who knows his stuff or 2) fix it with a hammer by bashing it into pieces and using the pieces on a newer, sexier league.

The GM....If I Ran Barry Bonds

noreply@blogger.com (The GM) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:13:00 +0000

In sports, records are measurements of a player’s worth. A record could be something like Rickey Henderson’s 1406 stolen bases, or it could be like Anthony Young’s 27 consecutive losses by a pitcher. If you ask a baseball fan what record is the most revered and most storied, the response would most likely be the 755 homeruns hit by Henry “Hank” Aaron. Mr. Aaron hit 41 more round trippers than Babe Ruth, a legend in his own right. This year, a whole world could see the legendary number of 755 fall. Barry Bonds has put on a homerun hitting show throughout his career. He started off with 16 in his rookie season and he hasn’t quit yet. He started today off with 746 and I just saw that he hit 747, only nine away from owning this legendary record. He owns seven MVP awards and eight Gold Glove awards, along with a various amount of other awards and decorations.

With all of these accomplishments, Bonds is probably THE most vilified player ever. Why? A lot of it has to do with the whole steroids scandal. Did he or didn’t he take them? Was he taking other substances? Would it really matter? These are all questions that are brought up when I think of Barry Bonds, the baseball player. But, I do not think that this is the only reason why Barry Bonds is hated on. I believe it has to do with the fact that he isn’t a likeable hero. Look at all the things that Babe Ruth did. He was a womanizer, a drunk, and was not always the nicest person to be around. However, he constantly did things to put himself in front of the public doing something positive. Mickey Mantle is another example. He was known to enjoy way too many alcoholic beverages and subsequently died because of liver failure after he had a transplant. Mickey Mantle was one of the most, if not the most, beloved New York Yankees of all time. Was it his award winning smile that made fans forget about his negative doings?

So, I am here today to tell you what I would do if I were in charge of Barry Bonds. Some are fun, some are real, and some are probably never going to happen. Whatever the record ends up at, Barry Bonds could go down as the most hated man in baseball….EVER.

1. Admit to using performance enhancing drugs: At this point in the game, it doesn’t matter whether he did or did not. Most of the nation believes he used some sort of performance enhancing drug. Why not just admit to it? That way, people can get used to the fact that this man isn’t hiding anything anymore. People don’t like to be lied to and this is a huge step towards polishing up his image. Will everyone forgive him? Probably not, but who is still holding a grudge against Jose Canseco (first 40/40 player ever) or Ken Caminiti (1996 NL MVP)?

2. Do something positive: I don’t know if Barry Bonds does any community work in the San Francisco area, but he needs to do something nationally that is positive to get in the good graces of the fans. It is a whole lot harder to hate someone when they are donating money to underprivileged youth scholarships or building playgrounds in under-funded areas. Look at what the United Way commercials have done for the NFL. Does the NFL really care? Who knows, but the perception is that they do. Barry Bonds meet United Way, United Way meet Barry Bonds.

3. Smile: For the love of God, this is the easiest thing to do. When Barry was a Pirate, he smiled like he just found two pieces of bubble gum in his pack of cards. Now, he walks around like someone pissed in his Cheerios. I know that he is been taken on a wild ride by the media and all that, but the saying “kill ‘em with kindness” should be applied here. Smile just to smile Barry. Maybe if you start fake smiling, a real one will come out and we might see a whole new enjoyable side to him. I can’t enjoy someone who looks like they are miserable every second of every game. It’s baseball, its fun! Who honestly did not enjoy it when Barry came out dressed as Paula Abdul when they did the American Idol spoof? I thought that was a great thing for his image. So, to help with this, I will hire Dave Henderson as Barry’s personal smile coach.

4. Ask to wear Hank Aaron’s number: When Barry gets to 754, he should ask Mr. Aaron to give him the honor of wearing his number until he ties and/or breaks the record. What could be more respectful or more honorable to the record itself? Does Barry have that in him to reach out and ask to do that? I don’t know. Does Mr. Aaron have that in him to reach and allow him to do that? I don’t know. But, I would be thrilled to death if this were to happen. I know it would also bring together the fans of baseball, the fans of the record, the fans of Aaron, and the fans of Bonds.

This is all I have for now, but it is a huge step in the right direction. Maybe he wants to go down in history as the most hated player ever, maybe he doesn’t. Time will tell as his career clock winds down. I know that I will be watching for the day that he breaks the record. Not because I’m a fan of Barry Bonds, but because I’m a fan of baseball and I’m sure I will only get to see this record broken once, maybe twice if I’m a lucky man. I just hope that the record will be held by a likeable hero.

If I ran...the St. Louis Cardinals

noreply@blogger.com (Kyle Smith) — Thu, 31 May 2007 13:48:00 +0000

An even 50 games into the season, the St. Louis Cardinals have an abysmal 21-29 record, and are tied for the fewest wins in the National League. Only Kansas City and Texas have fewer wins in MLB. Injuries have hit this team hard, as the disabled list is flush with important pieces of the squad. Starters Chris Carpenter (elbow) and Mark Mulder (shoulder), reliever Josh Kinney (shoulder), outfielder Preston Wilson (knee) and catcher Yadier Molina (wrist) are all on the DL with significant injuries.

The only respite for this team is the comforting fact they play in the horrendous N.L. Central. This team still has hopes for a playoff spot, but those hopes are fleeting and probably not realistic, though if last year's World Series taught me one lesson, it's that anything is possible.

That said, if I ran the Cardinals, I wouldn't completely give up hope for this year, but I would start to make changes, and plan for the future. Walt Jocketty has done a wonderful job during his tenure, but he struck out this offseason. Here's what I would do to right the ship.

-Recall Anthony Reyes from AAA
Anthony Reyes, the promising young pitcher who won Game 1 of the World Series last October, was recently optioned to AAA Memphis by the Cardinals. While his numbers leave much to be desired (0-8, 6.08 ERA), he is also the victim of extremely low run support, as the Cardinals averaged 2.11 runs per game during his starts. A look at his numbers compared to Adam Wainwright (4-4, 5.59 ERA), and you could make a reasonable argument that Reyes has been at least as good (and I use the word "good" very loosely) as him, if not a little better. Using the stats page from the outstanding baseball website The Hardball Times, let's look at some numbers from both pitchers.
ERA+
Wainwright: 74, Reyes: 68

WHIP
Wainwright: 1.79, Reyes: 1.35

Slugging% Against
Wainwright: .472, Reyes: .446

Strikeouts Per Game
Wainwright: 5.5, Reyes: 7.0

Strikeout to Walk Ratio
Wainwright: 1.65, Reyes: 2.17

Opponents Batting Average:
Wainwright: .335, Reyes: .259

Opponents On Base%:
Wainwright: .398, Reyes: .324

So, as you can see, other than run support, the numbers fall mostly with Anthony Reyes being the better pitcher. It's possible that the real reason Reyes is in the minors, and Wainwright and Kip Wells (2-9, 6.20 ERA) are still in the rotation is Reyes wants to do things differently than pitching coach Dave Duncan. In a live chat, Cardinals beat writer Joe Strauss had this to say about the situation:

Reyes and Duncan do have different philosophies. It is an uncomfortable truth that became more obvious when Duncan suggested last weekend that it would take more than 2-3 solid AAA outings for Reyes to return to St. Louis. Reyes is equally insistent that he will not alter his mechanics. His delivery does not work for a sinker-style pitcher. He's told the organization repeatedly he won't change. He needs to become a change of speed pitcher who can "spot" the ball, many believe. If the Cardinals believe Reyes needs to conform to a four-seam mentality, my guess is that both parties won't be satisfied unless there is a trade. Reyes was surprised by last Sunday's demotion and is reluctant to dicuss the situation.

This is nothing new to Cardinals fans. Duncan wants groundball pitchers, and he wants his staff to do things his way, or find somewhere else to pitch. People like Garrett Stephenson and Jason Marquis know this all too well. It's hard to argue the success Duncan has had in the major leagues, so Reyes may have to conform, or the Cards may have to show a willigness to see if Reyes' approach can work.

-Fast track Colby Rasmus :

Rasmus is the Cards number one prospect, and he has been tearing it up in AA this year, to the tune of .295/.385/.583, to go along with 10 homeruns and 8 stolen bases. He is the Cardinals centerfielder of the future, and with Jim Edmonds finally showing his age, it won't hurt to get Rasmus up to AAA some time this year, with an eye toward playing in the show by the middle of next summer. Farm director Jeff Luhnow has his eye on the kid:

"It's still a matter of doing it over a long season. Yes, Colby has had a fantastic first couple months in Double-A, but that's just what it is — a first couple months in Double-A. I don't know how patient we're going to be. I know we want to be, and it's still early."

-Spend some money this winter
The Cardinals went on the cheap last offseason, hoping Kip Wells and Adam Kennedy would be all they needed to replace departures such as Ronnie Belliard and Jeff Suppan. They were wrong. This winter, the market will once again be littered with players who are overpriced. Too bad. Every team has to pay to get premium players. The Cards routinely offer a little less than the other guy, hoping the draw of playing for a routinely competitive team and in a great baseball city will draw them in. It hasn't worked recently. Free agents will be expensive, but the Cards need arms and bats alike. Outfielders like Torii Hunter, Ichiro Suzuki and Aaron Rowand will be available, as will pitchers Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Scott Linebrink, Freddy Garcia and Carlos Zambrano. Fans in St. Louis will demand they make a hard run at some of the above names, after this lackluster offseason.

The Cardinals are in a deep hole right now. The team is not very good, their stars are getting old, injuries are mounting and fans remain restless. There is room for a little hope, though. The division is terrible, which means they can contend soon if they do a little tinkering. They still have Albert Pujols and once Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder get healthy, the pitching should improve. Chalk 2007 up as one of those forgettable years and concentrate on the future.

Extrapolater: If I Ran... College Baseball

noreply@blogger.com (Eric (Extra P.)) — Thu, 31 May 2007 04:55:00 +0000

Hey, kids, it's good to be back.

My thoughts about College Baseball are kind of contradictory. I want it to be bigger, but growth of the game requires a certain amount of standardization, and that's conformity, and conformity is dull. But right now, more than half of the country is at a competitive disadvantage, and that restricts the popularity of the game. So here are a few general ideas:

1. Move the start of the season up one month. College baseball currently starts in February. As a result, it's no coincidence that the dominant powers in the NCAA are from warmer climates. The CWS has been won most often by USC (12), followed by Texas with half as many, then LSU and Arizona State sitting at five apiece. The occasional oddball school sneaks in, like Wichita State or Oregon State, but generally speaking, great players want to go to the sunny schools. Some of this might be offset if early season games in northerly climes could be played in March instead of February.

2. For comedy purposes, nothing can beat the PING! of a collegiate home run. But wooden bats are the standard in the pros, and that's where every young jock wants to end up. Why try to prepare with an aluminum bat, only to have to adjust your wood when you get to the show? Sorry, I meant to write adjust TO wood. My bad.

3. Introduce the Ladies... A kid who has the option to go pro will most likely do it. Even if he's in the minors, he's getting paid, sometimes handsomely. So what does college have over A-ball? Classy, intelligent, hot female fans. I've been to minor-league parks, and I've been to college parks, and there's no comparison. I'd rather pick my future SI Swimsuit issue posing companion from the college ranks than the cut-rate groupies that follow the Toledo Mudhens.

4. This is where it gets a little dicey for me. I don't think the Series should be in Omaha every year. I know I just finished saying that I want more northern participation in the series, but I can see no real reason to award the series to one town in perpetuity. I'd be OK with them getting a guaranteed bid every five years or so, but the rest of the time let's shake things up a bit. In fact, it would be nice to see the final games played in an MLB stadium every once in a while.

In addition, I've run across a couple of great ideas that specific schools have tried that are worth using everywhere:

Vanderbilt - Frank the Dancing Dog. I'm sorry, but I find this very funny. Dumb? Laws yes. But funny. Part of the charm of attending a Minor League tilt is the stupid promotions and on-field activities. You don't think drunken college kids would get into some of this interactive weirdness?

Florida State - The Bat Girls. Something in the back of my mind says this is probably sexist, and yet the young ladies who participate at FSU don't seem to mind. I attended the ACC championship in 2004, and I found them to be delightful. I mean, is there some reason your equipment managers can't be tan, toned, sweet-faced young ladies instead of someone like... me? I can't think of a reason.

San Diego State University - Bring back the alumni. Tony Gwynn currently coaches his alma mater in Tony Gwynn Stadium. Pretty sweet deal. Most ultra-rich athletes aren't going to be interested in doing something long-term like that, but it should be possible to get them to drop by once in a while, maybe sit in the broadcast booth or something. Keep that aura around the program, and make sure kids know that your team is a reasonable conduit to the majors.

That's the gist of it. I'm basically advocating more coeds, more famous people, and more wood. Hell, if we could get a special dispensation for even one beer per attendee, it would darn near be heaven.

The College World Series is beginning regional play on Friday, June 1. Check it out on ESPNU over the weekend, or, better yet, find out where your nearest regional is. In the meantime, read my two-part series detailing the #1 seeds.

And if you want to write something, even to refute me and my wisdom - do it! You don't even have to have your own blog - we just want to see you running the show your own way.

--Extra P.

Sooze: If I Ran...The Bassmasters Classic

noreply@blogger.com (Sooze) — Thu, 31 May 2007 03:11:00 +0000

a haiku.

I would make damn sure
all anglers are hammered
before lines are cast

fishing off a boat
without ice cold beer on hand
should be illegal.

MCBias: If I Ran…the National Spelling Bee

noreply@blogger.com (Sam) — Wed, 30 May 2007 23:55:00 +0000

Wow, finally something in the sporting world that I’m sort of an expert at…and wouldn’t you know it, it’s not really a sport. Figures. Anyway, back in elementary, I was our school champion as a 4^th and 5^th grader (take that, 6^th grade scum!) and represented us in the county spelling bee. I knew nothing about sports at the time, but learned about sports from sitting next to the eventual champion. He was a short blond-haired guy with funny teeth and was practically glowing with confidence and energy. It was the first time I saw what a difference confidence, charisma, the heart of a champion, and a million other clichés that only matter when seen in person can make. When it was over, he ran and hugged his dad, an older gentleman with a knee brace and crutch. Aww, he was a nice kid. And for the record, yes, I can tell you the word I missed both years: intercede (I was nervous and spelled it interceed) and esophagus (we learned that word in health two weeks later; wow was that painful).

Here’s what I would change:

Televise at least one minor-league event--a regional spelling bee. I know some of you are already mocking my elementary self for messing up those words. Why? Because regional spelling bees have easier words that some of us can actually spell. Thus you can judge me (haters!). The National Spelling Bee, on the other hand, is over our heads almost immediately.
Force all the spelling bee contestants to spend significant time together before the bee at various social events, and videotape the resulting cliques. You’re telling me ESPN 2 doesn’t have room this time of year?
Start off the bee with a quick exhibition: American-born spellers vs. foreign-born spellers. Don’t dodge the ethnic undertones, glorify them—and then laugh as America’s top three spellers are all non-Caucasians anyway. Each side votes for their best five spellers, and they only get 30 seconds to spell each word. Side that has the most spellers standing after 5 rounds wins, and sudden-death OT if it’s a tie. You tell me you wouldn’t enjoy seeing the slow-mo reply to see if that kid from India pronounced the last “s” before time expired? Plus, the kids not elected to the top 5 now get to simmer in their rivalry juices. And let’s get a big clock in front of the kids, ticking off the seconds.
Push the rivalry angle. Unlike team sports, there are no school rivalries here. Any competition is based entirely on the people themselves. And trust me, there is no competitive fervor like that produced by two nerds competing against each other at perhaps the only thing they do well (oops, projecting again :-p) at an age where they really believe there is no tomorrow or next week. And you thought college and high school produced “pure” competition.

So if two guys have been here for the last 3 years and are both competing against each other to see who can do the best in their last year, let’s hear that. I’m not saying let some 12-year-old embarrass himself by using racial epithets against his rival on live TV! Protect the kids, by all means, and get taped responses to the spicier stuff. But let’s get some fun behind the scenes byplay on this. Interview some of the kids before together as a documentary, and ask them who they want to beat, why they think they’re going to win, who they think might win, etc. Then show the results to the crowd at the proper moment during the competition.

Don’t hide from the weirdness. Again, no coaches, so a kid is a spelling bee champ because he/she is naturally talented and works really hard (that or their parents chain them to a desk). That means you get some really unusual and precocious youngsters. Let us see that; just cut out the worst parts and don’t interview those parents. That’s who the real crazies are in this type of competition, heh.
No Mike and Mike announcing the bee. The reason the spelling bee works is because it’s such a throw-back to days of pure competition and apple pie. Don’t throw in any pros; just use commentators and sideline reporters no one has ever heard of. Helps us get in the mood more.
Talk to the old pros. Look, there’s a huge network of ex-spellers helping at the Bee (http://www.spellingbee.com/officials.asp, scroll down), and, believe it or not, they all look like relatively normal students. All my joking about nerds aside, most of the spellers grow up to make a real contribution to society. (Sorry that I was an exception, mom and dad. :-p). Show the folks back home that just because she has acne, glasses, and braces now doesn’t mean that she won’t grow up to be an attractive, intelligent young lady someday. We need all the geniuses we can get. Look, they’ve already given us the cup holder built into a computer…oh wait, that’s not a cup holder? My bad.

Any other ideas?

The Serious Tip: If I Ran...NASCAR

noreply@blogger.com (Sam) — Tue, 29 May 2007 19:38:00 +0000

This post is courtesy of Jordi Scrubbings at The Serious Tip about running NASCAR

Admittedly, I am not a NASCAR fan. I figured I would caveat this post by saying you won’t be reading about restrictor plates, drafting, gear ratios or any other technical racing jargon. That said, I do have friends and family who are passionate about the sport. (Note: please refrain from comments on whether NASCAR is a sport or not. For the sake of this post, it is.) I just can’t get into NASCAR. So here are a few things I would do to make NASCAR more enjoyable for me. Here is what I would do If I Ran NASCAR:

Midget Pit Crews – Because everything is funnier when done by groups of little people, I would first mandate at least one driving team feature a pit crew of entirely midgets, dwarves, or any other medical classification of the vertical challenged. Remember how funny it was to watch the oompa-lumpas manage Wonka land? Now imagine a team of little people turning power wrenches, changing tires, and performing other pit duties. Included with this “little person” team is the absolute necessity that they use a trampoline to “hop” the wall separating the track from the crew area.

Weekly Eliminations – NASCAR is perhaps the only major sport in which the worst competitor is allowed to participate in every event from the beginning of the season to the end. The worst pro sports team doesn’t stick around through the championship in any other type of season. Therefore, I propose the gradual elimination of the team with the least amount of points starting after the midway point of the season. After the midway point, if you are last in points, you go home. Simple as that. Not only would this provide weekly drama at the bottom of the standings, it would also open up racing on the proceeding tracks as non-contenders will no longer be cluttering the raceway.

Rename the Award for Best Driver – Despite NASCAR’s best efforts to “flashback” to days of Richard Petty and other legends, the racing community is neglecting a far earlier chapter of its competitive roots. Not longer. As chancellor of NASCAR, my third decree would be to name the award for best driver the Diocles Award, named after famed Roman Charioteer Gaius Appuleius Diocles. Diocles, perhaps the greatest charioteer in Roman history, won 1,462 of the 4,257 four-horse races in which he competed. Top that, Richard Petty.

Hire the Micro Machine Man as The Voice of NASCAR – Remember the Micro Machines? Remember their commercials? If so, then you remember John Moschitta, the Voice of the Micro Machines. According to Wikipedia, Moschitta is considered one of the fastest talkers in human history. Who better to represent one of the fastest sports in America?

Finally, Hybrid cars – Again, another admittance: I am kinda environmentally friendly. Not an ELF member by any means, but I am a strong proponent in saving the environment, recycling and the like. Therefore, decree number four would be a gradual increase in hybrid technology in NASCAR. My own personal estimate is that NASCAR races use a lot of fuel. Then why not employ hybrid technology and electric powered engines in road-like racetracks? I would understand if the technology lacks the power needed to maintain speeds needed in tracks like Daytona, but some of the road courses have far less speeds and could possibly be grounds for hybrid racing. And, as an additional spill-over effect, hybrid cars could receive a bump in prestige. After watching Tony Stewart or Jeff Gordon ride someone in a wall in his bad-ass hybrid, the stereotypical NASCAR fan may not think of hybrids as cars only driven by tree-hugging, commie, city-dwellin’ liberals.

Of course, these wouldn’t be all of my changes to NASCAR. In time, I would adapt and attempt to make NASCAR more and more lucrative. Perhaps even try my hand at expanding NASCAR’s demographic. Think a car sponsored by Snoop Dogg sitting on 24s with rims that don’t spin would do the trick?

If I Ran...NCAA Lacrosse

noreply@blogger.com (Sam) — Mon, 28 May 2007 23:40:00 +0000

Coming off one of the most exciting finals in the sport, you wouldn't think that NCAA Lacrosse needed much running, but here we go anyways:

1. Play up the scoring: Part of the reason the causal fan doesn't watch hockey is because scoring is down. A very easy way to rake in the fans is to play up the scoring. They don't want to see 2-1, they want 12-11.

2. Show more games on ESPN networks: This year, ESPN/ESPN2/ESPNU showed all of the tournament games, and most of Duke's regular season games (for obvious reasons). However, if you can find a timeslot for the MLS, you can easily find time for more regular season and conference tournament games. Along the same lines, everyone knows there is no parity in college lacrosse. You can count the number of teams that have won the title since 1971 on two hands, and the number of teams that can win going into a given year on the same. So show those teams. Show Duke, Hopkins, Maryland, UVA, Syracuse, Princeton, etc. during the regular season, so fans can have a background going into the playoffs.

3. More interesting regular season matchups: The NCAA had a great idea this year when they added the Faceoff Classic to their regular season. This was two seperate games on one day that featured Syracuse-UVA and Hopkins-Princeton. These ended up being two pretty good games, so why not more in season events like this to draw in the fans?

That's all I can think of for now, today was a great game between Duke and Hopkins. Exactly the type of thing the sport's looking for, marquee universities, storylines, and a huge crowd. Being part of the 52,000 there on saturday for the semifinals, you could feel the stadium shaking with every possession in the 4th quarter. Hopefully more people will catch on to this sport before next year in New England.

Sam

If I were Pacman Jones, this would be my letter of apology.

noreply@blogger.com (field negro) — Mon, 28 May 2007 22:50:00 +0000

Hi, my name is Pacman Jones, and I would like to apologize right now to all my fans for being an ignorant thug with lot's of talent but no head on my shoulders. I realize that my ignorant ass behavior helped to perpetuate the stereo type of the thuggish uneducated black athlete.

I realize that my behavior was abhorrent, what was I thinking trowing around over $8,000 in cash at a strip club, an act that cost a fellow human being the opportunity to ever walk again.All my run ins with the law, where as a result of my own selfish and boorish behavior, and not "the man" trying to get me.I realize that I have tremendous talents on the football field, but those talents should be carried over to the game of life as well. I realize that I need to get my act together, and start acting like a grown up and someone who has been blessed to make millions of dollars by playing the game that I love. I realize that I am a role model for many young people out there who might be growing up poor and disenfranchised just like I was.

I will serve my one year suspension with dignity, and will do community service with various organizations and community groups that cater to children.

Sincerely, Pacman Jones.

MCBias: If I Ran...the WNBA

noreply@blogger.com (Sam) — Sun, 27 May 2007 13:27:00 +0000

Sorry for the big gap between posts, but here's MCBias talking about if he ran the WNBA:

So how can the WNBA be fixed to get higher ratings? Here's a few ideas as to what I would do If I Ran the WNBA:

1. Smaller Balls, Lower Rims

The average woman is shorter than the average man, and has smaller hands. It's not cheating to lower the rims and make the balls smaller; it's common sense. 9' foot rims, for sure. Some guys might complain, but hey, those guys aren’t watching anyway.

2. Emphasize the Grace and Agility of the Game

I have played against some decent female players, and their footwork was much better than mine. They also are much better at running plays or drills. Yet I usually outperformed them, because I was a little taller and could outmuscle/outjump them. There must be a way to adjust the rules of basketball to emphasize what females can do well. I see an example of this in women's volleyball; I could never match the smooth dive of a libero to dig the ball, or the artful placement of a setter in disguising the target of a set. Or think of women's tennis, where the volleying can be much more interesting than in men's tennis.

3. No Physical Contact, No Over and Back

The women's game can become really slow with the longer shot clock. Speed it up by calling all contact outside the key a foul. And allow cherry-picking (that's what I mean by over and back). Hey, if they want, play some Iowa girls ball; leave a player on D or O all the time. Get some movement in the game, and make it fundamentally different from the men's game. Why should I watch if it's the same product?

4. No Standard Uniforms

Pick two dominant colors and let the women come up with whatever uniform they want, within certain guidelines. If they want to wear Allen Iverson arm socks even if they have no injury, or want to dye their hair blonde to match the yellow uniform, encourage such innovations. We're not looking for wardrobe malfunctions here, but yes, this would also make the game more attractive to guys. Loosen the guy sports concept that a team dresses all the same as if they were an army. Let them accessorize and mix and match and design their own uniforms. And it gives the females a reason to watch too; fashion AND sports. Ooh, it hurts to be this brilliant; just sprained my wrist patting myself on the back.

5. Let the Players be Personalities

I admit, it's hard to do this with no one watching to start with. But the WNBA needs to use Youtube or something to put out some videos of the players being people. I almost feel like women's sports is where black athletes were 40-50 years ago; allowed to play, but not yet really allowed to talk. It's ok if we find out that not every female athlete is constantly thinking about the legacy she'll leave young female athletes. Let them be themselves. I did get to talk to a WNBA player once, and she was great; funny, smart, friendly yet she knew who she was, etc.

The main point is, I'm not ready to call the WNBA a failure yet. I don't think everything has been tried. Women’s basketball is rather popular in countries like Brazil, Russia, and Greece, where they appreciate some fire and aggression in their women. I think the US is slowly moving in the same direction (see: superhero movies starring females such as Kill Bill), and thus WNBA appreciation may yet increase.

thank you MC and lets keep the posts coming

If I Ran...ESPN

noreply@blogger.com (Sam) — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 00:43:00 +0000

First of all-sorry for the lack of posts recently, there just hasn't been that much going on
Second of all-Schrutebag. This asshole is the subject of my post today.

If I Ran ESPN, I would fire his ass immediately, but they obviously won't. Colin Cowherd is the kid in school who cheats off you for your term paper, then gets an A and rubs it in your face. This douchebag must be taken off the air immediately. Even listening to Joe Morgan would be better. First, his blatant plagiarism of the M Zone's Wonderlic Test last March was disgraceful. Someone in his position of power should give credit where credit is due. He shouldn't be stealing from writers who work for free, no one should. What was even worse about that situation was how he responded-like a jackass. His response when Yost and the writers over at the M Zone called plagiarism on Schrutebag: WE WERE SENT IT....WE HAD NO IDEA..BUT THE INCESSANT WHINING...MEANS I WON'T GIVE YOU CREDIT NOW..GET OVER IT CC.
The incessant whining? I'm sure you would be first in the line to call bullshit if someone from the blogosphere stole one of your bits, Colin. Even though I'm not a Michigan fan, I along with a ton of people supported the M Zone in this case.

Now his actions concerning TBL are just the result of pure demon spawn. Calling for a DoS attack on someone just because you are a whining plagiarist douchebag is uncalled for. You should be ashamed of yourself. I am going along with AO and AA's boycott of ESPN and all of their products until A. Cowherd apologizes and B. The Big Lead is back online. I hope everyone else reads this and will help support the little guys in this issue. Do everything you can, email ESPN, ABC, Disney, Cowherd, whatever needs to be done.

Fight the Power!
http://www.petitiononline.com/firecc/petition.html

Sam (I promise more posts will be up eventually)

Mike White: If I Ran...The Toronto Blue Jays

noreply@blogger.com (Digital Headbutt) — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0000

Normally on Digital Headbutt and Tar Heel Mania, I cover college sports. But my interest is also piqued by anything related to the Red Sox. The Toronto Blue Jays are a rising power to the North, and while you may not have noticed, Boston's collapse at the end of the season was so fantastic that the bluebirds finished 2nd in the AL East, the first time since 1998 that the Yankees and Red Sox failed to finish 1-2. The Jays have already made some good moves by locking up Vernon Wells and Cy Young caliber pitcher Roy Halladay to long term deals and signing Frank Thomas in free agency. But I think more can be done for the Blue Jays to become successful enough to not only bring the fans in, but break the east coast cabal.

Off the field:

Fill the seats. I am sick tired of seeing so many empty seats every time I watch highlights of the Yankees and Red Sox taking trips to the SkyDome (sorry, Rogers Centre). The Blue Jays need to sell their product better and get more butts in the seats. Winning always helps, but do more. I heard that the Blue Jays have good concession prices, but take it a step further. Take advantage of Canada's free healthcare, hold a weekly Clog Your Arteries day by selling delicious concessions like Donut burgers and Icelandic Porramatur at half price, for example. The organization is also making renovations to the Rogers Centre, which should also help attendance. However, there's still a fun element missing. What could be something the Blue Jays could do besides the baseball team to make more fans attend?

Wait--I've got it!

Hold a Terrance & Phillip Race. The Milwaukee Brewers fill Miller park better in spite of an inferior on-field product. Do you know why? OK, besides brats and booze. The 6th inning Sausage Race! Having a similar gimmick for the Blue Jays would attract more fans, but to succeed you need to take the concept and make it distinctly Canadian. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Canada? That's right, Terrance and Phillip! Have five staff members dress up as Terrance, Phillip, Scott, Celine Dion, and Ugly Bob, and race around the field. Even design the costumes so that their heads flap when they run, and release the smell of farts all over the stadium while they're running.

If you are unfamiliar with these characters, go see Not Without My Anus, The funniest 22 minutes in television history. I would put Sadaam Hussein in this race, but who wants to see that guy win anything?

Blue Jays:"So, what are you going to do with your winnings?"

Sadaam: "Hey, relax, guy, take a rest. I'm not going to use the money to buy nuclear weapons."

BJ: "I didn't say anything about weapons."

SH: "You didn't? Hey, guy, just relax!"

To separate themselves from the Sausage race, have the track a little more difficult. Instead of the usual warning track, have them run through the bull pen and dodge BJ Ryan's warmup fastball (a 1 second penalty if he hits you). Have them slide into 3rd base before heading to the finish line. The top two finishers will qualify for the final to determine the winner, a joust on golfcarts. It would be total carnage, but hey, it's Canada. Different rules up there.

On the field:

Get your own damn Japanese star pitcher! Boston has Daisuke Matsuzaka (who I call "Mothra" to the Yankees' Godzilla, slugger Hideki Matsui) and New York has signed Kei Igawa. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so for Toronto to compete they must sign a Japanese pitcher for their starting rotation. Is it too early to sign Go Mastumoto or Seigo Yada, the star pitchers for Kawaguchi City in the 2006 Little League World Series? It is? You're lying. If soccer players like Cristiano Ronaldo could be signed at 13 and Bastian Schweinsteiger at 11, then Toronto should be able to sign Little Leaguers.

A little off-topic, I think that "Bastian Schweinsteiger" is one of the best names in the history of planet Earth. And yes, I'm sure that's the right spelling.

Develop Russ Adams at shortstop. I'm not just saying that because he's a Tar Heel, although that helps. The two players in front of him in the depth chart are Royce Clayton and John McDonald. While he is a solid veteran and would make a good bench contributor, Clayton is 37 years old. He hasn't been a good shortstop since 2001 with the White Sox. John McDonald had only 23 RBI in 90 starts in 2006, whereas Russ Adams, age 23, had 28 RBI in 36 starts. He's also a left handed bat, which Toronto desperately needs. Considering that the Jays have Adams as the heir apparent at shortstop, they should allow him to start this year, and put Clayton in if he struggles mightily.

Fear the Southpaw. I am biased towards lefties both as a southpaw and knowing that variety in your lineup is very valuable. The Blue Jays are pretty much devoid of left handers, both in their starting lineup and in their starting rotation (they only have one of each, Lyle Overbay and Gustavo Chacin). Putting Russ Adams in the starting lineup helps, but they will likely need a trade. I suggest trading minor leaguers and/or bench players to the Detroit Tigers for a secondary lefty starter (Mike Maroth or Nate Robertson) and switch hitting infielder Neifi Perez, which the Jays will put at second base. Admittedly this trade will be harder with Kenny Rogers out until July, but Andrew Miller could fill the void if Maroth or Robertson were to leave. This will give Toronto up to four lefty hitters (Greg Zaun is also a switch hitter), and two lefty starting pitchers.

Fire John Gibbons. I don't care who you put in his place, that guy is a f---ing lunatic. Gibbons would ruin any chance the Blue Jays have of winning by doing something stupid.

And Finally...

Equip all of the players with the Nutty Buddy. Trust me on this one. You don't want to be in the middle of the pennant race when Vernon Wells goes on the DL with "scrotal bruising". That's a terrible way to lose.

If the Toronto Blue Jays do all of these things, they will definitely have a better product for all of their fans, increase their attendance, and should compete for the AL East crown.

If I Ran... Into Gary D. Walters, of the NCAA Selection Committee

noreply@blogger.com (Grimey) — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 00:11:00 +0000

Stanford?? Are you fucking kidding me??? STANFORD????

(Feel free to add your own.)

I have some friends at the University of Syracuse who want to talk to you-Sam

If I Ran...The NIT

noreply@blogger.com (Darren Heitner) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 00:08:00 +0000

By Darren Heitner of SportsAgentBlog.com - I Want to be a Sports Agent.

1) The NIT...do you have any idea what those three letters actually stand for? National Invitation Tournament. Now that the NCAA bought the rights to it, why not some honesty? Officially change the name to CRAP - it's not an acronym...it's what the tournament actually is.

Yes, Mr. Hanky should be the official mascot.

2) Instead of holding the NIT tournament at Madison Square Garden in NYC, congratulate the players, coaches, and athletic departments for their shitty seasons by having them play the true street teams in Rucker Park. Good luck Oklahoma. Against the talented players, and in your attempts to avoid being eaten by Fat Joe.

It's always dinner time!

3) Besides an immense amount of dignity, what does the winner of the NIT get? Honestly, I feel the team gets shafted. To make up for the lack of party gifts (damn Wheel of Fortune for coining that phrase), the winner will get a cake with 66 candles, representing their official title as 66th best team in the country. Congrats!

Damnit, I can't stop thinking about Fat Joe now.

4) Absolutely no television cameras will be allowed in Madison Square during the event. In the past, it has been said that the media has distracted the players and the 0 fans in attendance. It will also save you from 5 minutes of time otherwise wasted on Sportscenter.

Darren Heitner is a 4th year undergrad student at the University of Florida. He plans on sticking pencils in his eyes next year as he becomes a 1L (commitment day is coming soon). Apparently he wants to be a Sports Agent (http://www.sportsagentblog.com). Leave him some love, because he survives on acceptance.

Extrapolater: If I Ran the Small Conference Tournaments

noreply@blogger.com (Eric (Extra P.)) — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 00:53:00 +0000

I'm going to be honest here. I only have one major change I want to make, but several reasons why I want to make it. I think all of the "Mid Majors", which include several conferences that would have to be considered "Low Majors" should stop using pre-determined host sites for their conference tournaments. Instead, I favor the Highest Remaining Seed approach, in which high seeds host tournament games in their own gymnasiums, including the final game. Here's why I think HRS should become the standard for the bracket-busters in waiting.

Reward the regular season champs: I think everyone is sick of seeing 16-15 teams come in and earn auto bids in front of apathetic crowds. Fans of a horrible team aren't going to travel to the tournament in the first place, so why are we giving them a carrot for playing a horrible regular season that deserved the stick? I actually like that some conferences (like the A-10) leave bottom-feeders out of the bracket. Earning home court/field advantage is the standard in the pros, why not do it at this level?

Make home teams earn the advantage: I'm looking at the Colonial Athletic Association on this one. Every year the tournament takes place in Richmond. While the Richmond Coliseum is not technically VCU's home gym, the distinction is academic at best. It's an easy trip for ODU fans to get to Richmond, but the other top teams in this year's CAA tourney were Drexel (Philadelphia) and Hofstra (New York). Had either team made the final, they would have played a sold-out road game in a hostile environment. Granted, VCU has been good enough to have earned this honor the past few years, but it seems to be an unfair advantage in the long run.

Crowd noise & excitement: Last night's games were a study in contrasts. Butler, despite being ranked in the top 25, didn't take care of business in-conference and let the #1 seed in the Horizon go to Wright State. With that seed went the home court advantage, so Butler had to play a road game, despite being the superior team on paper. They lost in front of a raucous crowd that really cared what happened. In the Sun Belt tourney, played at the Cajun Dome in Lafayette, LA, the University of North Texas outplayed the higher-seeded Arkansas State in front of.... friends and family. There were literally tens of spectators, and TV viewers could hear the coaches shouting instructions in a mausoleum-like atmosphere. Guess which conference looked big-time, and which looked rinky-dink? Sure, the dome holds more spectators than a gym, but if nobody turns out, there's no benefit.

Less likelihood of crap teams advancing: Don't get me wrong, I love March upsets as much as, if not more than, the next guy. That's exactly why I want the best team(s) from a small conference to make the dance. The 12-18 University of Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers played the 25-6 Vermont Catamounts in the semifinals of the America East tournament on a neutral court. Setting aside for a moment that UMBC has named their team after a sad-eyed puppy, would it have been good for anyone if they had pulled a miracle upset to advance to the final? We would have had to face the possibility that a team waaaay below .500 had a shot at the auto-bid. I don't think it would have even been an issue if the game were played on the Catamounts' home floor.

Obviously my solution doesn't guarantee that the top seed will advance - that would be fascist and boring. But it tilts the odds in our favor. I'm happy for those plucky kids from Stony Brook and Fordham, but I don't want to see them in the NCAAs until they're ready. And 12-18 isn't anywhere near ready. Let me remind these small conferences that each game played in the NCAA tournament is worth big money*. Don't you want your best chance at the big payday? If so, rig the frickin' game a little bit, for everyone's benefit.

*The NCAA pays out "units" for each appearance in a tournament game, thus do the rich get richer. (read section 5)

If I Ran ... The Houston Astros

noreply@blogger.com (Bouj) — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 02:24:00 +0000

Take a look at the teams that have taken the most trips to the postseason since MLB re-aligned to 3 divisions in each league in 1994.
1. New York Yankees (12 trips)
2. Atlanta Braves (11)
3. St. Louis Cardinals (7)
T4. Boston Red Sox / Houston Astros (6 each)

What, you say?! The Astros keep making the playoffs? While most haven’t notice this (mainly because their postseasons tend to end rather quickly and FOX hates them), the Astros have been one of baseball’s most competitive teams over that 14-season span. Sure, it helps that they are competing against the Pirates, Brewers, and Cubs, but still. St. Louis and Houston are perennially competing to see who can represent the NL Central, baseball biggest division (look it up: 6 teams is more than 5). So it's hard to complain too loudly about not winning when the Astros have been very competitive. I'm sure the Royals or Devil Rays would trade places in a heartbeat.
Years of watching Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio gag in the playoffs finally gave way to some success in 2004, namely because of the offense of Bat-For-Hire Carlos Beltran and The Big Puma, Lance Berkman. Well, at least offensively. The stars of that team were staff ace Roy Oswalt, closer Brad Lidge, and some guy named Roger. A trip to the World Series followed in 2005, partly due to the return from injury of Andy Pettitte.
The trademark of those two teams, the most successful in franchise history, was the strong charge at the end of the season to take the Wild Card. Unfortunately, the Astros dug themselves too deep a whole for that in 2006. However, the Cardinals did their best to give back a huge division lead during the final two weeks of the season. That dream ended by losing two of three in Atlanta on the final weekend.
So what’s in store for the Astros in 2007? Third Place? A nice view of Milwaukee’s and Chicago’s tailpipes as they race by? Not if I were running the show. Some things need fixing down at Minute Maid Park:

Fire The General Manager: I’ll start at the top. While most Houstonian sports fans complain that owner Drayton McLane doesn’t spend enough money, I say that the problem is in management. Uncle Drayton has fielded a team with a near-$100 million payroll the last 2 seasons, and will be at ~$95 million this season. That kind of roster should produce results. GM Tim Purpura, while a great talent development guy (that was his job before being promoted), his reign as GM (2005-now) has featured a few questionable moves, most of them last season.
Not to get into the gory details, but it boils down to 2 moves: not moving Brad Lidge when you could get something for him (before he confirmed he is a basketcase) and butchering a set of roster moves that resulted in the team having to release Preston Wilson, the second-leading RBI guy on the team. The short version of the latter was that mediocre PH Orlando Palmeiro left the team on Bereavement Leave for a week after the All-Star Break. In his infinite genius, Purpura recalls locally-loathed OF Jason Lane, who had just gotten his Mendoza-line ass sent down a few weeks before (and weeks too late, I might add). In the end, Lane couldn’t be sent back down because the July 31 waiver deadline had passed and someone claimed him. Instead, the Astros had to send down their lone back-up middle infielder Eric Bruntlett and then had to release Wilson in 2 separate moves. Sheer idiocy. Quite mundane in the big scheme of things, but a microcosm of what Purpura excels in: keeping the wrong guys in Houston and not being aggressive. So the first thing I would do if I Ran The Houston Astros is fire GM Tim Purpura and replace him with someone who understands the concept of waivers and is interested in improving the team.

Get Rid of Wandy Rodriguez & Jason Lane: Lane seems like a nice enough guy, but he has had exactly one half-of a decent season (the second half of 2005) and he is 30 years old. Let’s face it: it doesn’t matter if he was MVP at every level of the Astros organization since he can’t consistently do anything offensively now. Some guys are just AAAA players. So if I Ran The Houston Astros, I’d find out who claimed him on waivers, tell them they can have him for a bag of baseballs, and then drive him to the airport myself. Unfortunately, he is hitting .312 in Spring Training and Purpura is determined to give him another chance to at least make the team and take playing time away from OF Luke Scott (.336-10-37 in 65 games in 2006). If there is a God, let stud prospect Hunter Pence outplay them both and take the RF job, making Scott the fourth outfielder.
LHP Wandy Rodriguez is basically the Jason Lane of the pitching staff. As long as either one of them is in the organization, they will be given chances to torture the fanbase. Wandy, who did pitch well in 2005 at times (well, better than Pretty Boy Astacio did) regressed in 2006. However, in his infinite wisdom, manager Phil Garner decided to hand Rodriguez the fourth spot in the rotation based solely on the fact he is left-handed. Seriously, that’s the reason. Again, I am hopefully someone outplays Wandy, like Chris Sampson and Matt Albers and Fernando Nieve and anyone else on the staff. So if I Ran The Houston Astros, I’d cut Wandy tomorrow and be done with him before he throws another 70mph fastball.

Fix Brad Lidge: Let’s get one thing straight right now for everyone in America: the Pujols HR in the 2005 NLCS did NOT ruin Brad Lidge. No, the Scott Podsednik HR in the 2005 World Series (the Game 2 walk-off) did him in. Closers blow games. Lidge has even blown games before. And Roy Oswalt came out in Game 6 against St. Louis and closed Busch Stadium down anyway, rendering the whole thing moot. But Lidge giving up that walk-off to that slappy Podsednik did mess up his head to the point that it affected him in 2006. He screwed up his motion, he didn’t fix it, and he kept blowing games left and right. The reason the Astros couldn’t catch the Cards was Lidge blew 3 games against them directly (twice right before the All-Star Break in Houston and once in St. Louis on a Pujols walk-off 2B). That swing would have meant the worst-case scenario would have been a one-game playoff against St. Louis in Houston. And that doesn’t include meltdowns against Washington and Los Angeles and – well, you get the point. So if I Ran The Houston Astros, I’d hire a sports psychologist and a pitching coach for just Lidge.

Be In First Place On June 1: Any other problem the Astros have (like losing that over-rated prick Pettitte or improving the offense at SS and C) can be covered. The biggest issue hanging over the Astros is the dearth in starting pitching. Behind Oswalt, the team is relying on former Rockie Jason Jennings (but the Denver-to-Sea Level conversion should probably mean about 17 wins this season) and old man Woody Williams (elbow tendonitis waiting to happen), and then whoever throws a strike every now and again. So if I Ran The Houston Astros, I’d do whatever it took to be in first place on June 1. Why? Because Roger Clemens will be making his decision on 2007 then, and if the Astros are in first place, he’ll choose to stay home for $22-million pro-rated instead of going back to NY or Boston. All Roger wants is some offense. If Lance Berkman & Carlos Lee generate the offense they are being paid to and Morgan Ensberg returns to half-way decency, then the Rocket will be back for the Astros.

So that’s what I would do if I were in charge. OK, maybe I'd bring back the black alternate jerseys too.

Mike White: If I Ran...the ACC Tournament

noreply@blogger.com (Digital Headbutt) — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 14:51:00 +0000

The big bracket may start next week, but this week is perhaps the most special week of basketball for me: the ACC tournament. From Thursday to Sunday, nearly everyone in North Carolina will stop whatever they're doing and watch 12 teams in perhaps the nation's toughest conference fight it out. This week I will post a live blog of every ACC tournament game on Digital Headbutt and Tar Heel Mania, but let's pretend for a second that I am John Swofford, ACC Commissioner and puppet master of the tournament. Here are a few things I would change about the ACC's biggest showcase:

Keep the tournament in Greensboro, NC. Chapel Hill, Durham, Raleigh, and Winston-Salem combine to form the epicenter of the college basketball universe. Greensboro has thus always made an ideal location to hold the tournament. To take the tournament to Tampa or Boston, where very few people give two s---- about the ACC, is an insult to the schools which brought this conference to prominence. Tar Heel, Wolfpack, and yes, even Dook fans should not have to drive 10 hours to get to their own tournament. And if what I've been told about Tampa is true, a lot of the players could get into trouble if they decide to venture into "extracurricular activities".

Hold a Mascot One-on-One Basketball Tournament at Halftime of Each Game. This will will be very entertaining for several reasons. First, everyone loves to see mascots. Second, the only thing better than seeing mascots is seeing two mascots compete against each other. It will be another reason for fans of bad teams to keep tabs of the tournament, as Mr. Wuf could make a deep run into the mascot tourney. It will test how loyal the fanbase is by which school has a mascot that can play basketball well. And don't tell me you wouldn't be rolling on the floor watching Rameses driving the lane, posting up, and draining the fadeaway jumper over Testudo's outstretched shell.

But most importantly, I would have Jim Nantz and Billy Packer doing the play-by-play. Imagine the hilarity that would ensue.

-------------------------

Nantz: And Buzz grabs his own rebound, and he's immediately fouled by the Blue Devil, and it looks like this game is just about...wait...what's he doing? It looks like the Blue Devil has Buzz, the Georgia Tech mascot, in a headlock!

Packer: Don't worry, he's just going for the ball.

Nantz: Yes, but what kind? The Blue Devil is now repeatedly kicking Buzz in the thorax (translation: an insect's nutsack), while still keeping him in a headlock.

Packer: Don't get your panties in a food processor, I'm sure there's good reason for it!

Nantz: Okay, that metaphor didn't make any sense at all. And speaking of which, the Blue Devil just put Buzz in the pile driver position and--OH!--he took one hard to the head right on the court. Buzz is certainly going to be feeling that one in the morning.

Packer: Yeah, he'll be mad as a bee!

Nantz: (stunned silence) Ohhhhkaaay. Well, it certainly looks like the Blue Devil is going to be ejected after that--

Packer: No! He can't! I bet five--uh...I mean, it's obviously not a foul. Look at the replay, Jim!

Nantz: Billy, I'm not sure the kids in the audience need to see this twice.

Packer: Just look at the replay Jim, just look at it! Now, as you can see from the replay, the foul was clearly not intentional.

Nantz: I, uh, just wanted to interrupt and let you all at home know that Buzz appears to be unconscious or immobile, but I don't think I'm quite following your logic, Billy.

Packer: It's actually quite simple Jim. Now look at this part of the replay. Okay, now freeze it. As you can clearly see, there is a flesh-eating beetle on Buzz's head, which he obviously must have brought with him from the insectoid parallel universe.

Nantz: Insectoid parallel universe...

Packer: Of course! How else do you explain bees that are six feet tall and can walk on two feet but can't fly?

Nantz: I think it's a human in a bee costume.

Packer: Bulls---! Obviously you haven't read the Da Vinci Code! It talks all about that s---! But I have no time to educate the uneducated. Anyway, as you can see on the replay, the Blue Devil notices the flesh-eating beetle on Buzz's head, and his eyes clearly become of concern. He must act quickly to get the beetle off of his fellow mascot, so he puts Buzz's head in a stable position so that he can repeatedly try to remove the bug by force.

Nantz: Now Billy, I'm sure there's a more effective means--

Packer: Would you just shut up for one minute?!? Dr. Pack is trying to make an analysis!

Nantz: Dr. Pack?

Packer: Yeah, Dr. Pack. That's the nickname I use to pick up chicks in bars on lonely nights after games. But you knew that, Jim. Anywho, forward the replay to the next stage. Okay, here we see the beetle finally move off its head, but it then lands on Buzz's inner thorax. Again, the Blue Devil here is repeatedly trying to forcibly remove the creature from Buzz, this time by kicking him in the area where it landed. It is after he does this about 14 times that the beetle finally falls onto the court, and the Blue Devil stops.

Nantz: I am really sorry to interrupt--actually, no I'm not--but I wanted to let you all know that Buzz is now conscious once again, and seems to be moving all of his extremities. They are now able to carry him into a golf cart and be taken to the locker room while referees continue to debate the end result of this whole thing.

Packer: There's no debate! clearly there was no foul!

Nantz: Okay, Bill--

Packer: Dr. Pack to you!

Nantz: Soooooo sorry...Dr. Pack, you still haven't convinced me of what you're seeing. I mean, your explanation is outlandish enough, but the piledriver just--

Packer: I was getting to that! Let me f---ing finish! As this next part of the replay shows, the flesh-eating beetle in on the court and off of Buzz, and the Blue Devil starts to relax. But then he notices something. The beetle is pregnant! and it's about to spawn hundreds of flesh-eating beetles into a stadium filled with 20,000 flesh-based people! He must kill the creature and quick! But what does he have at his disposal?

Nantz: Um, his foot?

Packer: You fool! His foot could never destroy such a creature! Haven't you ever taken Wake Forest's evolutionary biology class?

Nantz: No, B-uh, Dr. Pack, I can't say that I have.

Packer: Then you have no moral authority on this matter! Anyway, Bluey over here, who has taken evolutionary biology class--

Nantz: Billy, where did you get that information?

Packer: One of two places. Either one of those times when I go out for a Turkish bath with the Schwab and Ralph Friedgen on Fridays, or when I see the basketball fairy in my dreams.

Nantz: You mean John Amaechi?

Packer: You don't know the bond between us!

Nantz: Actually, I, uh...I think I kinda do. But back to your point.

Packer: Oh, yeah, yeah. Where was I?

Nantz: The miracle of flesh-eating beetle birth, I think.

Packer: Right. Anyway, he can't use his foot because of the beetle's strong exoskeleton, so what can the Blue Devil use? He then remembers from evolutionary biology that the skull of a bee, when blown up to human size, is almost as strong as steel. So , thinking quickly, he picks up Buzz, turns him upside down, and drives him right into the ground headfirst, killing the beetle and all of her babies just as they were about to be born and eat everyone in this stadium. He just saved thousands of lives through his actions. Boy, I tell you, he's one great American hero.

Nantz: Yeah, in the same way that R. Kelly, circa "Make It Rain Remix" is the ideal role model for kids these days.

Packer: I didn't take you for a Fat Joe connoisseur, Jim.

Nantz: More to the point, it looks like the refs agree with you, Billy. Because they have declared the foul non-intentional, and say that Buzz has forfeited due to injury, which means that the Blue Devil is the winner of this game! And he will be moving on to the semifinal against the Hokie Bird. That should turn out to be a great game, the Hokey Pokey versus...well, whatever the hell we just saw the Blue Devil do.

Packer: I'm really happy for him, Jim. And really, that kid should be awarded a medal today for saving us all from a slow, painful and certain death.

Nantz: Just don't take the Chuck E. Cheese medal the kid in seat E10 is wearing, Dr. Pack. Now, let's send it back to Greg Gumbel in the studio.

Packer: (points to his head) Now Jim... I want to take that stick...and slowly...and carefully...AGITATE THE HELL OUTTA THIS SNAKE!!!

Greg Gumbel: (puking in horror) HUUUUUOOOAAAGHHH!!! OH GOD! OH GAAAAHHHD!! WHY DID I JUST SEE THAT?!?! How does that guy still work for us? I mean he's completely lost his fu--oh, are we on? OK... Thank you Jim, and thank you for joining us on the ACC Tournament halftime show, presented by Waffle House. Second half, after this.

-------------------------

Okay, at this point we're going WAY off tangent here. But you get the idea. A mascot competition is always entertaining, and we can't have some sort of ACC Mascot Deathmatch!!!, so a one-on-one basketball tournament will do just fine. And yes, the !!! was intentional.

Hold a Tournament Sponsored Tailgating Tournament in the Parking Lot. Again, this is to keep fans who would normally leave or be less enthusiastic because of their bad teams. The more competition, the better, and this would be an exceptionally tasty one. I would find the best barbecuer with an allegiance to each team, and they have a cook-off on Saturday to see which has the best ribs, pork shoulder, etc. And the winner will have $10,000 donated to their schools scholarship fund. And everyone gets to have great food for free at the tournament. How can people not cheer for that?

Make all coaches wear colored jackets. Because everyone wearing the same gray jacket can get confusing. But more importantly, because I simply cannot wait to see what purple would look like on Oliver Purnell. He'd look even more like a pimp than Sidney Lowe.

Rig the First Game on This Year's Schedule. I swear to God, if the Seminoles are left off the bracket because they choked in the ACC tournament for the 3rd year in a row, something bad is going to happen. How can they possibly waste such a talent as Al Thornton? Seriously.

Create a Clause That Says Whomever Wins the ACC Tournament Gets an Automatic #1 Seed in the NCAA Tournament.
Wait. We already have that? Sweet.

If I Ran Jason Whitlock

noreply@blogger.com (The HCIC) — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 04:04:00 +0000

Well, frankly, I've been running Jason Whitlock for several days now on my blog.

However, for the first time in "If I Ran" history, the subject will be running - literally running.

Jason clocks in at well over 300 bills.

And I thought Jason could get started with a regular fitness regimen by just getting out of the house. Walk out the door and start running, jogging, power walking, whatever. And it's time he got himself together. He's setting a bad example for Black people. High blood pressure and diabetes runs in our community. Fuck that. Jason's setting a bad example for all Americans. Obesity is a serious problem in this country. So, because I'm all about constructive solutions, I went to Kansas City to help Jason with his fitness goals.

When I went to to Jason's place, I was more than a little surprised to see a stack of Slam magazines in the living room. Ahhhhh, I understand. He's craving vintage Scoop Jackson. Not big money, ESPN as a platform Scoop Jackson. That's why he's so angry. And I peeped a bulletin board shrine papered with gorgeous video chick types, presumably the type of women that go to All Star Weekend with their income tax returns. Creepy, yes. But, again, I'm learning so much.

So, I'm just waiting in J Money's foy-A and I've already gathered all this insight about him. But I'm there to work out. Jason calls out from the back, "I don't have anything to exercise in. Only white tees." I tell Jason that will be fine, but he's concerned that an irresponsible journalist will see him and label him a thug. I tell Jason that is unlikely as he can't hover over himself and write about it, lol.

Jason finally shows himself, ready to exercise. I offer him my pre-loaded mp3 player to help get him through the workout. "Wow, thanks", he says. He presses play. Kanye West starts playing. Jason doesn't look amused. He hands the mp3 mplayer back as he mutters something about me and Kanye being in the Black KKK.

It takes a while, but Jason finally ventures out the door. It's a nice day in Kansas City. A perfect day to start turning over a new, more fit, more rational leaf. We start walking, then power walking, then a light jog. We're running! Uh oh, things are not going well. We make it 70 feet before Jason pulls out the inhaler. "I (puff) can't (puff) make (puff) it (puff) any further," Jason says. This isn't the effort I expected from Jason. But, fortuitously, we're standing right in front of an ATM machine. "Jason", I say, "Drain the account. You need a publicist. You've sold out an entire group of people and all you have to show for it is a few hours worth of link on The Drudge Report, some local sports talk radio interviews and the ire of bloggers and columnists. Jeez, I think your banner on the AOL sports page got replaced by The Fanhouse. That's pretty pathetic." "You have a point", Jason says. "I take back everything I said about you going to Vegas on your income tax return. You're not so bad. You were probably saving up checks from your baby daddy's child support." Umm, thanks, Jason.

I ask Jason if he's ready to run again. "Ok," he says. We start off the same way. Walk. Power walk. Jog. Ok, we're running now! Stop. This time we make it 50 feet. "I'm exhausted," Jason says. "I need a smoothie to recharge." Coincidentally, we're in front of a Smoothie King. "Fine. Some fruit will do you good. I'm glad you're learning better food choices, Jason." Jason marches right up to the counter. "I'll take the deluxe fruity thing." "Sure," the clerk says. "Can I have a double," Jason asks. "Sir, we only serve up to 32 ounces," the clerk utters. "I want a double god dammit," Jason barks. The clerk goes to the back to find a larger cup - or to call security. "Do you have any bacon back there? I want bacon in my shit." Jason yells. "I think we should go", I say gently. "Fine, but I really had a taste for some raspberries, peaches and bacon," Jason reluctantly agrees.

I'm starting to become concerned about Jason's work ethic. I guess I wasn't tipped off by his aversion to citing facts in his columns.

"Jason, are you ready to run again", I ask. "Whatever", he says. Again. Walk. Power walk. Jog. Run! We get about 20 feet this time. Then the sun's glare suddenly blinds me. Flash! And then I see Jason with a certain look in his eye. He looks... he looks changed. He's twitching, actually. And then I see. He's caught the sight of a Krispy Kreme out the side of his eye. The "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign is on. He starts moving toward the magic neon light. I realize I'm standing between him and the Krispy Kreme. Jason starts moving with a new sense of purpose. And new sense of intensity.

And then I run.

If I Ran ... The Baltimore Orioles

noreply@blogger.com (Maryland Orioles' Fan) — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 21:28:00 +0000

If anyone has been under a rock, the sporting world knows the Baltimore Orioles have not been hot, for let’s stay the last decade. That being said, I obviously do not have the funds to purchase the Baltimore Orioles, but since we all have an imagination, I’ll tell the world what I’d do if I ran the team.

As a Marylander, all of is long for the days of the mid 1960’s to mid 1980’s where we were the embodiment of what a franchise should be – one where winning and values are instilled and one fans should be proud of.

It’s disheartening to see Camden Yards, a crown jewel of the sport to only sell out that this point for Opening Day and games against the Yankees or Red Sox (where their fans not only take over the park, but downtown).

In light of the gloom and doom of the last decade, things are perhaps starting to look up.

That being said, I’ll commence.

Peter Angelos: He may or may not be the victim of unfair press and the ire of fans, but when you own something, whether you like it or not – you’re captain of the ship.

Mr. Angelos does not swing the bat or throw a ball, but his management style, meddling in deals in the past, plus the endless series of hirings and firings of people in key positions have turned many people off.

When you have people protesting your ownership (protest hosted the radio station WNST), you’ve got problems.

In the AL East, the Orioles have been a perennial doormat, and yet from the outside looking in (with exception of this offseason), the funds have not been spent since the turn of the decade for talent or key pieces (exception: Miguel Tejada).

The result: Fourth place again and again.

Peter, I don’t know if you selling the team is the answer (it very well might be), but you should just be paid to stay away or perhaps loosen the reigns of control.

The road uniforms: The city name, Baltimore, needs to be back on the away jersey. We are one of two teams who do not do it, and frankly, although it is a small issue, it’s an issue of regional identity and pride.

In addition, I think ‘Baltimore’ in the classic lettering and script looks better than simply ‘Orioles’. The move would be one of great civic pride, and get the links to the past rekindled to the days of Frank, Jim, Boog and Brooks.

Bring Back the Old-Timers: Personally, the Orioles do not do enough to embrace its past. The Orioles did not officially do anything in terms of celebrating the 40^th anniversary of its first world championship and that was a little disturbing to me. In these lean years, the team should be reaching out to the old stars of the pennant winning teams and as well of the 80’s and 90’s and make them a part of what’s going on. The Yankees and Red Sox relish in their past with old-timer day and special celebrations – the team needs to do the same.

Acquire another big slugger, or two, plus a solid pitcher: Unlike the past, where the team didn’t do much, 2007 has brought some promise, but we still need a big bat and another starting pitcher.

We play in the American League East, and to be quite honest, we are not at the level of the elite. We’ll need to spend a few more bucks to bring in the marquee pitcher or hitter, and in turn, that may bring the fan back and create a buzz unparalleled in baseball.

According to reports I have read, we tried to get Andy Pettitte, Jason Schmidt and Carlos Lee (Lee, I can live without); therefore, try and try harder.

Don’t Sign Re-treads: Kevin Millar, Jay Payton, Jaret Wright – all good players and probably nice people; however, the Orioles should be in it all to win, not to make sure guys have jobs or field a team. See previous statement.

Mike Flanagan: Nice guy, but probably should not be in a front office position.

Other Pieces of Advice:

Ok, it’s too late, but make a peace offering to John Miller, or offer him a lot of money to come back. (Well, I think the team imploded the bridge, but it’s worth a shot.)
Retire Elrod Hendrick’s number 44. For a man who served the team for 5 decades, served and lived in the community, this act should be given.
Ushers, you all really need to lighten up…

Link to website: The Oriole Post

If I Ran...The NFL Combine

noreply@blogger.com (Darren Heitner) — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 17:50:00 +0000

By Darren Heitner of SportsAgentBlog.com - I Want to be a Sports Agent.

First, let me say that this blog is a great idea and I am glad to be on board.

For my first post, I want to ponder about what it would be like If I Ran...The NFL Combine

1) Scratch Indianapolis, Indiana. They already get the Final Four about every 4 years anyway and have Peyton Manning. Let's not get greedy now, Indianapolis. Instead, keep the concerted effort to expand the NFL overseas, by having the combine in a different Arab nation every year. Next year: Qatar.

Better tell Robert Edwards to pass on this one.

2) Screw only inviting 300+ of the best college football players entering the draft. Instead, only players from Hawaii (Kimo von Oelhoffen), players with video-game names (Pacman Jones), and players who are overvalued because their family members have had success in the NFL (Eli Manning) will be invited.

Kimo would tear up the competition...just look what we are going to base it on..

3) 225-pound benchpress? 40-yd dash? Wonderlic test? No more. What does benching 225 lbs tell you about an O-Lineman besides the fact that he's taking some NO-Explode? Replace the benchpress with a hot dog eating contest hosted by Koby...no...actually this Kobe . (Kobe is thinking about hot dogs in this picture, actually).

So what about the 40-yd dash? Who cares? Instead, have players duke it out in some Tecmo Super Bowl. Qatar will be changed forever.

Last, this Wonderlic Test crap needs to go. Who the hell cares if Chris Leak only scored an 8? (I'm doing by best Chris..). I mean future Cincinnati Bengals need some practice for the tough job they have ahead of them, and what's the Wonderlic Test going to do in terms of preparation? So peace out Wonderlic, and hello Grand Theft Auto. Tecmo Super Bowl will challenge players with their on-the-field abilities, but what about the important off-the-field issues? (Shameless plug: see my weekly column, Nightmare Clients of the Week). As an added bonus, Pacman will be able to make it rain on some hoes...as he scoops up some hookers in the back of his GTA Impala.

4) There is one thing I would not change. The general public will still not have access to the event. The only people invited would be the judges from American Idol. I really would like to hear Simon bash Eli as Archie Manning's Saints go down in Tecmo.

Oh, and The NFL Network would have to pay me $1 million in royalties for my brilliant ideas and for their network finally being picked up by cable companies.

Darren Heitner is a 4th year undergrad student at the University of Florida. He plans on sticking pencils in his eyes next year as he becomes a 1L (commitment day is coming soon). Apparently he wants to be a Sports Agent (http://www.sportsagentblog.com). Leave him some love, because he survives on acceptance.