With that said, I’ve decided to ask your help on another topic.  My night stand.  Particularly, the books on my night stand.

I love the written word.  No matter what it is, I love the process of diving into the life of someone else with each turn of the page or click of a button.  Words are my life.  I’m also a dork and love to write down all the books I read in my journal.  Page three is specifically saved for listing out the literary works I absorb each year.

I used to have a list of books that I carried around in my purse to use as a quick reference of what I still needed to purchase or borrow.  Unfortunately, that list has dwindled down to a handful.  I was thinking the other day, “Surely I haven’t read everything out there that’s worth reading!  That’s impossible!”

So I decided to not only give my movie watching choices to the avid readers of iHateGreenBeans, but also my page turning choices!  Before you get all John Grisham on me, allow me to provide you a few parameters of what I’m looking for in the next few months.

I recently went through a literary works classic phase.  I assume it was because watching Midnight in Paris made me feel like a kid who cut English class in high school to go smoke in the bathroom her junior year therefore totally missing out on Hemingway’s contribution to American Literature.  After a healthy dose of Austen and Bronte and an inspiring couple of weeks with Francine Rivers’ “Mark of the Lion” books (if you haven’t read these, do so now), my path turned into a brief stint in current classics which included “Lonesome Dove” and “Prince of Tides.”

My taste in books resembles that of my iTunes.  It’s sort of eclectic, varying from current favorites, heartfelt classics, trendy young adult fiction and anything that is being adapted into a screenplay.  Right now, my brain is ready for something lighter or funnier.  This is where you come in.  I would ask that you stick one level above chick flick and don’t suggest anything that will make me cry.  Just so you know, I’m proficient in all things Harry Potter, Hunger Games trilogy and Twilight Saga. There’s no need to suggest Nicholas Sparks.  Biographies are always fun.  I completely identified with Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” and Mindy Kaling’s “Is Everyone Going Out Without Me?” I just cracked open a book called “Beginner’s Greek” because I read somewhere that it is both charming and enthralling.  I have one more book on deck (“Quitter” by Jon Acuff) and I’m done.

Help me out IHGBers!  What should be on my night stand?  What have you read lately that you absolutely loved?  What books to you love so much you could read over and over again?  Sound off in the comment section!

Yes. It was the explicative heard around the world. Unless, of course, you missed it because your television was on mute due to Kacie B.’s exit interview in which she communicated with sounds only dogs and dolphins could relate.

Knowing that Kacie B. was unaware of her parents’ issues with this silly reality show known as The Bachelor and its messy haired suitor Groban, I’d be willing to bet that an encore appearance of the baton paired with a black unitard probably contributed to the decision making process that resulted in extreme ugly crying nestled among the comfort of a few f-bombs.

It’s only a guess.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ABC wastes no time with silly maps of cartoon airplanes flying from Sonoma to Florida. The audience is thrust into the Cox Family horse farm where Lindzi is riding a noble steed named Devon, waiting for the Grobe to show up in a muted plaid shirt.

Oh. I was wrong. It was a bright blue plaid shirt. Before I congratulate our color wheel discriminating Bachelor, let the record show that his pants were grey. I’m just saying.

Lindzi: “Horses have been in my life since before I was born.”

Let’s pause to truly appreciate the power of that sentence.

Lindzi leads Groban and Devon to a picnic and talks about how her old boyfriend, whom she lived with, dumped her via text message. She talked about having a broken heart, seeing red flags and the fact that her parents straight up hated the guy.

Groban: “I can see that your walls are coming down slowly, but surely.”
Lindzi: “Vulnerable is a big word for me.”

Yeah? Well “excruciating” is a big word for me. We’re 18 minutes into the show and I’ve already started banging my own head against the wall. SERENITY NOW!

Devon’s owner hooks him up to a carriage, sits on the lap of our Bachelor and helps him maneuver over the river and through the woods. Groban holds onto a whip with one hand and Linzdi’s butt with the other. “Giddy up indeed,” Devon thinks as he trots to the Cox’s house where the ABC intern has pulled all of the family room furniture into the backyard.

“Meet my boyfriend!” Lindzi shouts as she dismounts Groban’s lap. Our Bachelor drops the whip, extends his hand and introduces himself to Lindzi’s father Harry.

His name is Harry. Harry Cox.

I’ll allow 10 seconds for you to digest that bit of information and laugh like a prepubescent boy just as I did.

Did you get it out of your system? Good. Moving on.

Mother Marge is distracted by the potential for grass stains on her brand new wheat linen couch as Lindzi babbles on an on about their super fun first date in San Francisco.

Lindzi: “We went to a secret speakeasy and then to a concert in City Hall.”
Harry Cox: “You know, your mother and I were married in San Francisco City Hall.”

Everyone regales in this discovery of serendipitous proportions. No one except for me, iTunes pop sensation Matt Nathanson and the shady dude who purchased an original Neil Lane key to the city bauble on Craig’s List seems to remember that this date was originally reserved for Nana’s Granddaughter.

Bygones is a big word for me.

Harry Cox and his wife challenge Groban and Lindzi to a carriage dual. There were several thoughts that went through my head as this action sequence unfolded.

1. Please don’t run over the dogs.

2. Harry Cox insisted that there be trash talk during the race. Will Groban be able to channel Emily’s thug gangster rap melodies? And will that be enough to vocally conquer a man who is undoubtedly proficient in the art of trash talking having dealt with a name like Harry Cox for his entire life? I can hardly stand it.

3. Do not attempt this at home without wearing a helmet. Safety first, kids.

4. Devon is one step away from sacrificing himself by dragging that carriage straight to the glue factory.

Mr. and Mrs. Harry Cox are the winners. The wagon, Mr. Cox’s daughter and Groban are all yolked together as they trudge through the grassy knolls of Florida, growing more and more bitter each step, literally pulling Lindzi’s parents all the way to the house. ABC is getting mighty bold with their metaphors, aren’t they?

Marge ignores the fire ant pile that’s building at a rapid pace under the coffee table and instead requests a private audience with Groban.

Groban: “Lindzi really did grow up around horses. I didn’t expect this!”
Mom: “We kept her away from boys and made her focus on horses and cheerleading. She was hurt really bad and has severe texting anxiety.”

A bit rattled, Groban moves on to Harry Cox.

Groban: “I’m not ready to propose. I have strong feelings for your daughter and would like your permission one day.”
Harry Cox: “She’s our only daughter. You’re a nice young man.”

Translation: “I can see my daughter dating Devon before I see her with you.”

Later, Harry Cox pours Groban a nice cocktail in a redneck wine glass. Think Mason jar with a stem. Repulsed, Groban is only able to overlook Harry Cox’s blatant disregard of a decanter (not to mention the proper drinkware) by focusing on Lindzi’s sexy belt buckle, tight fitting jeans and adorable dimple. They make out by Devon’s stable. I fast forwarded when they began rocking back and forth holding each other.

HOME TOWN DATE TWO
Kacie B.
Clarksville, Tennessee
Sweet, innocent, young, adorkable Kacie B. took to the 50-yard-line of Buster Boguskie Stadium with her secret weapon once again. That’s right ladies and gentlemen: The baton made another appearance. This time, it was accompanied by an ill-fitting billowy orange blouse, a black unitard with a questionable crotchal region and 30 kids from Stratford High School who needed extra credit in order to pass for the semester. I may be reaching since the ensemble was a little weak in the brass section, but it appeared that Kacie B. executed a lovely illusion, after her first toss turnaround, to the jaunty tune of “Last Train to Clarksville” originally introduced to the world by the poetic stylings of The Monkees. Even though her presentation was less than stellar, she gets full points for sheer chutzpah alone.

I too spent many a day on the 50-yard-line, high kicking, jump splitting and generally spreading Bobcat spirit in the peak of my high school career. With that said, there’s only one way ABC could convince me to set foot on that grassy field during a home town date. I would insist that I recreate the infamous 1992 Homecoming fence routine in which I suffered my first knee ligament tear. Our Host Chris Harrison would play the part of the 110-pound Freshman water boy who carried me off the field. We’ll omit the part when the other 110-pound Freshman had to come help his buddy because he couldn’t pick me up by himself.

Details is a big word for me.

Instead of leading Groban under the bleachers, Kacie B. settles him under the press box in the stadium and cracks open a bottle of wine, giggling the entire time.

Groban: “What’s so funny?”
Kacie B.: “This is the first time I’ve ever done this.”

Groban: “Had a drink at the stadium?”
Kacie B.: “Had a drink in Tennessee. Daddy is a federal probation officer and doesn’t drink. I know everyone in this town since Buster Boguskie is my Grandpappy. What I’m saying is…there are eyes and ears EVERYWHERE. I’ll be your Natalie if you’ll be my James Dean. Let’s get snockered.”

Groban admits that he’s already arriving at bat with a strike since his business is booze and the Officer frowns upon such nonsense. Ironically, he chooses a bottle of wine to break the ice with Kacie’s parents while the parents choose to get really crazy by making everyone eat on the same side of the dining room table. Kacie B. understands that a serious talk is inevitable and she rushes to find sanctuary with her one-sleeved sister Allison B.

KB: “Ally B…that’s totally my future husband out there.”
AB. (stifling a laugh): “With that hair? Er…I mean…why do you think so?”

KB: “Because I’m tired of listening to what people tell me to do. Daddy is skeptical because he doesn’t take any risks. I’m a world traveler now. You just wait until they see footage of me snow skiing down a street in San Francisco backwards … in a bikini.”
AB: “I don’t get it. Was it a baboon skit?”

Kacie B.’s talk with her father did not go as planned when he refused to give his blessing. The Officer did a great job cutting through the reality show crap and basically told his daughter and her wine maker friend that he was not on board with this “forum” of dating and encouraged Groban to cut his daughter loose before she gets hurt.

Groban: “One of my fears is that I don’t make the right decision. I have strong feelings for your daughter and other women in this process.”

Clearly, this was not the most ideal way to win over the Officer.

Kacie B.’s mother was on a similar page.

Mom B: “Our children have always been with us. We’ve never allowed babysitters. I want to be the one to teach him. I’ve watched the show and know that in the end, they always decide to move in together. That would disappoint me greatly.”

The ABC producers begin to twitch wildly, knowing that without booze and cohabitation, Groban is seconds away from peacing out of Tennessee. Who will twirl the baton in the finale now?!

The bottom line is this: The B family was sincerely concerned for their daughter’s well being and was not willing to play any games on national television when it came to the sensitive needs of their kid. They were honest, made their intentions known to both Groban and KB and held firm to their convictions as Ally B. giggled in the corner having cracked open the forbidden fermented fruit of the Flajnik family winery. I admire that.

HOME TOWN DATE THREE
Nicki
Fort Worth, Texas
While driving down the steer-infested streets of the Fort Worth Stockyards, Groban professes his love for Texas just as so many wise men have done before him. He loves the horses, the cows, the ambiance, the state flags waving in the breeze…and…wait for it…give me a second…it will come to me…Nicki! Yes, Nicki is her name and she appears to be suffering from the same unfortunate crotchal region situation as Kacie B. even though she was NOT wearing a unitard. Groban is easy to spot in the sea of tourists since his mop top is sans 10-gallon-hat and she rushes to tackle him in a warm embrace and share what I believe to be the couple’s first kiss.

Groban’s usual bland-colored tee and grey skinny jeans were a close hot mess match to Nicki’s horizontal striped off-the-shoulder top. I admire her clear effort to pay homage to both “Flashdance” and “Urban Cowboy” simultaneously, but she wasn’t pulling it off. Keeping with their “When in Rome” outfit exchange tradition, Nicki insists they cowboy suit up at the nearest boot shop. Groban managed to out dork himself by switching his boring tee with the most drab pair of skinny grey jeans, black pearl-snap shirt and felt black hat. Even though it was evident he was struggling to embrace the ambiance, he looked ridiculous. Nicki opted for a more bedazzled look with a kicky, glitter top. Later at the local watering hole, Groban nearly missed his Tom Collins flying down the salt-covered bar when the shine from the grease in his hair hanging from the front of his Stetson reflected off the sequins causing a momentary impairment of vision. That was close! That straw might have put his eye out!

Nicki reminds us of both her name and her failed marriage. Riiiiight! She’s the divorced one.

Nicki: “I don’t want to beat a dead horse or anything, but I want to talk about my divorce again. Can you hand me that Louisville Slugger?”
Groban: “I think it’s good. I need to know details to gauge how much emotional baggage you have. I mean, are we talking carry on? Or full out matching luggage set?”

Nicki’s parents appear to be very normal. She is attacked by her mother with a death grip and the two run off to the bedroom to gab about sultry surfer hair, wineries in Sonoma and potential dates for a June wedding. Later, her father practically blames himself for his daughter’s failed first marriage and promises to be more cautious the next time he gives her hand away. There was a lot of talk about pain and flying the coop and protection. It was very sweet.

Nicki takes Groban up to her old room, confessing that she just had the best day of her entire life.

Delusional is a big word for me.

Nicki drops the “L” word right there on her Ralph Lauren comforter. That’s when I noticed Groban looks at her differently than he does the other girls. I think he’s confused about Lindzi’s foundation choices and spends most of his time wondering why a girl so cute wears so much makeup. I think he’s affectionate towards Kacie B…much like a loveable Jack Russell Terrier. I think he lusts after Courtney and her beguiling ways. And I think he finds contentment in Nicki’s undying vow to always put him up on a pedestal.

I’m not sure she’s the future Mrs. Groban though.

HOME TOWN DATE FOUR
Courtney the Model
Scottsdale, Arizona
Courtney’s agent explains the ins and outs of the deliciousness known as the “Women Tell All” and strongly encourages her client to take whatever means necessary to right all the wrong behavior that was on full frontal display during her time in the mansion with the other contestants. The model apologizes for treating the other girls badly and admits that she only fought hard because Groban is worth fighting for.

Groban arrives at the house with Courtney and we meet a long lost Kardashian sister, a father in a sweater vest and a Mom who is one face lift away from blinking her own lips. The crowd ventures out for cocktails on the veranda where Courtney talks to her family as if Groban isn’t sitting directly to her right.

The Model: “I like this guy a lot. He’s smart, funny and I dig him. I’m falling.”
LL Kardashian: “You ARE falling or you HAVE fallen?”
The Model: “I like love him.”

Due to Courtney’s preference for baby talk dictation and the over abundance of the word “like” on this show, I’m unsure if she meant she, like, loved him or she like/loved him. I choose like/love since an entire faux wedding was created for the big “I LOVE YOU” reveal moment, but I can’t, like, be sure.

Mom: “I’m a fan of experimenting with any and all beautification products sold legitimately or on the Black Market. But I’m not sold on this kid.”

Courtney takes her Kardashian to a bedroom where a photo canvas at least measuring 16×20 of The Model is dominantly displayed in the background. They talk about love, appreciation, respect and skinny dipping.

Meanwhile, Courtney’s father has a heart-to-heart with Groban.

Dad: “Son, marriage is life’s greatest gamble. You have a 50-percent chance of success. Are you ready to make that bet?”
Groban: “Winning.”

Courtney takes Groban to a park down the road. As luck would have it, they are staging the gazebo for a wedding. She shares with Groban that she could see herself getting married in that same exact spot one day. Then she pulls out a paper bow tie for him to wear and a spiral bound full of loose leaf notebook paper so he can write down his vows. She scoots down a few rows so he can’t see that she’s already janked her vows from Carrie Bradshaw. Groban plays along and puts pen to paper.

Groban’s Vows
From the moment I laid my eyes upon you
I thought to myself, “She has nice boobs.”
You bewitched me on the beach when I saw your bare booty.
But there are red flags with your tendency to be moody.
Stepping back to reality, you’re body’s hard to dismiss.
Can you take me seriously with my hair like this?
And now we’re getting married and I just want to shout!
You know any normal person would totally freak out.

Courtney’s Vows
Call agent
Invite Jesse Metcalfe to WTA after party
Touch hair
Return rain coat to Steinmart
Emily = skank
Lick lips
Ask Groban what hair products he uses
Never purchase those hair products
Put homemade ring on Groban’s finger
Tell him you love him
Pay Eddie $50 for posing as minister
Winning

ROSE CEREMONY
For the next 20 minutes, Groban walks us down memory lane through four hazy flashbacks that spell out the intricate details of home town dates we literally just experienced less than an hour ago. By my count, he was wearing at least 12 variations of grey. The only thing that kept me from punching my fist through my computer screen was Our Host Chris Harrison basking the romantic glow of the candlelit hotel foyer that had been transformed into a makeshift de-briefing room for his postmortem session with our Bachelor.

HotterThanCrap is a big word for me.

I was saddened to see that the Pier One Photo Frame Bureau had been replaced with the Pier One Photo Frame Table, but the flicker in Harrison’s eye pulled me out of my doldrums and we headed to the rose ceremony.

With wardrobe budgets at bare minimum this late in the game, the cocktail dresses were awful. Lindzi subliminally tells Groban that they are a match by wearing a grey, drab dress. Courtney wears the same frock she wore when handing out statues at the 2008 Golden Globes. Nicki was in an ill-fitting black cocktail number and Kacie B. looked as if she was planning to tell Groban that she had a bun in the oven and he was the baker.

Groban hands the first rose to Courtney. I believe the sound you heard was three sets of teeth grinding. Lindzi is honored next and she is followed by a long, dramatic pause before our Bachelor calls Nicki up for her coveted bud.

Our Host asks bids Kacie B. adieu and instructs the other ladies to say their final farewells. And that’s when this happened:

Apart from the Kardashian sister spilling the beans to their parents that Courtney and Groban had skinny dipped in Puerto Rico, this was the funniest part of the show. Thanks to IHGB reader Julie for sending this shot to me!

At this point in the game, the heart break-er escorts the heart break-ee to a convenient piece of furniture in decent lighting and waxes on and off about what went wrong and how he/she is a great person but there is more chemistry with other contestants. Groban walks behind Kacie B., sighs when she sits down on a bench and mumbles “I’m sorry.” It was the only explanation uttered before our little administrative assistant was shoved in the rejection limo bound for Tennessee. Although no actual tears descended from her ducts, several facial contortions lead us to believe that Kacie B. was experiencing some sort of angst. This hypothesis was confirmed when high pitched squeaking issued forth from her throat which was later translated to: “What the *BLEEP* just happened?”

The ABC Psychotherapist provides a lovey that smells like night time before tucking her into the back seat with her binky and baton. Don’t worry Kacie B. You’re 24-years-old. I’m pretty sure you’ll bounce back.

Next week, Groban takes the ladies to Switzerland. Who’s with me when I predict Courtney will do something kinky with lederhosen and melted chocolate? Anyone?

Remember to send me pictures of your watching parties!  It’s not too late to be included in the super cool finale surprise!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Somehow, I managed to cobble together an article for the Huffington Post.  Check it out HERE and come back later this afternoon for the recap.

PS:  Groban’s hair was as ridiculous as his cowboy outfit.  Discuss.

Of the nine finalists, I’ve seen two on the list — “The Help” and “Midnight in Paris.” As with most women my age, I loved “The Help” (see my review HERE)

“Midnight in Paris” was a bit different though.  I enjoyed the characters and the interesting plot, but I felt confused for the majority of the movie.  All of the smart, intellectual types were nodding their heads in deep thought or laughing at the general whimsy of past literary greats coming to life before them.  I am convinced that my absence after my inaugural knee surgery in high school must have been the week that the HISD English Department covered all of this history because I was LOST.  I spent a lot of time on Google that night.

So what do we have left?  Here’s a rundown:

“The Artist”
I’ve heard that I may be distracted by the lack of dialog in this silent film.

“The Descendants”
We have George Clooney on one hand.  Swoon.  But then a depressing storyline on the other.  Does George’s dreaminess outweigh the depressingness?  You tell me.

“Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”
I do not know one person in my life who has seen this movie.  Isn’t that a bad sign?

“Hugo”
Other than knowing that it’s a Scorsese film and the advertising poster has a key on it, I’ve got nothing.

“Moneyball”
I’m actually surprised I never saw this in the theater.  It must have come out at a time when stellar filmography such as “The Muppets” or “Footloose” were hitting the silver screen and my hard earned $10.50 was spent elsewhere.

“The Tree of Life”
[crickets chirping]

“War Horse”
I’m scared to see it because I’m afraid the horse is going to die.

I’m leaving it up to you to give recommendations on your favorites.  Either comment your love/hate thoughts or simply vote below.

I’ve been sitting here, staring at a blank page for several minutes, trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to write. When nothing came to mind, my thoughts morphed into trying to figure out if there was ever another time I watched an episode of The Bachelor and barely took notes. It was probably “The Great Sinus Infection of 2007,” but that shouldn’t count because the pounding in my head made it impossible for me to concentrate on Lieutenant Andy Baldwin’s journey to find love that lifted him up to where he belonged. I have no excuse this time. Even Harrison, who can turn a humdrum episode around with a single twinkle in his eye and flash of his signature grin practically phoned in his performance. It’s pretty bad when “gorgeous sunset” is the most riveting phrase in my notes. And this episode even had sharks.

Knowing that this season is already going down in franchise history as mediocre at best, I had an idea that will hopefully inject some life into the finale recap. The idea came to me after I received a fun picture from a reader in Huntsville, Alabama. Winnie sent me a photo of a Bachelor watching party at her house. A few days later, reader Meagan posted a photo of her friends covering their eyes when Courtney was doing something cringe-worthy on my Facebook page. I absolutely LOVE seeing these watching parties! I’m officially extending a formal invitation for anyone and everyone to keep sending photos of your watching party my way via email, Facebook or Twitter. I’m going to do something special with them for the finale. At least we’ll have SOMETHING to look forward to!

With that out of the way, it’s time for me to press onward. Enough procrastinating. If I have to make up this recap (and let’s face it…I typically do) I will find some sort of redeeming quality to share with the masses. I am a professional for heaven’s sake.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The last time we were in Belize as a Bachelor family, it was season four. Bob Guiney chose Estella, got down on one knee and promised to love her enough to one day in the distant future propose with a four-carat Neil Lane sponsored diamond ring.

They broke up moments later.

Now it’s Groban’s turn to choose the hot girl over all the others and promise a lifetime of joy in the vineyard before Hollywood eventually comes knocking, dashing his dreams when his beloved dumps him to star in the Original Lifetime Movie “Oh Snap – Everyone Loves A Winner” in which Meredith Baxter Birney will play Courtney’s aggressive figure skating coach, pushing her to Olympic greatness.

Our Bachelor has narrowed down the field to five girls and one super model. He’s not ready to profess his love to anyone yet, but his insecurities are more than willing to have love and affection poured on him since this week’s roses mark the lucky four who will have the privilege of introducing him to their families.

The ABC graphics department fills some time by providing a convenient cartoon map which uses dotted lines to trace the flight from Puerto Rico to Belize. Brilliant. That killed approximately 30 seconds.

The girls arrive at their sweet mansion in various styles of sleeveless dresses and are overcome by their lavish living quarters and amazing view of the beach. Wait. Harrison just entered the room. That explains the glazed over look and dropped jaws. His freshly pressed royal blue shirt can do that to a girl. Even through a television. Did I type that out loud?

Our Host reminds the ladies that this week leads to home town dates and encourages everyone to make the most of their time with Groban. There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. Only one rose will be handed out and that’s on the group date. Courtney reads the first date card out loud to the group.

First One-On-One
Lindzi
“To Halves Make a Hole”
(This is not a typo. It’s clever word play. Hang in there with me people. We’ve only just begun.)

Groban arrives at the beach house to find all the ladies sunbathing by the shore in their colorful bikinis. Even though Groban admits that he’s not willing to tell anyone about his feelings of love, I found it odd that he was willing to wear the most feminine blue and white striped tank top I’ve ever seen on a man who is not admittedly gay, peeking out of the closet or in the wings ready to take the stage in a rousing rendition of “In the Navy” at Club Boi in Miami Beach.

Lindzi pretends to not notice the darling wee pocket on his girly tank top as he escorts her over to the waiting helicopter. Emily makes some weird comparison that Groban is like cheesecake and I look at my watch. We’re 22 minutes in to this two hour life sucker. Hooray.

Groban and Lindzi hover around a few islands and then end up above a formation that looks like a circle. Groban explains that this is known as the “Blue Hole” and they are going to strip out of their Anthropologie tanks, hold hands and jump from the chopper into the waiting blue sea below. To no one’s surprise, Lindzi announces that she is super afraid of heights and must count on our Bachelor to help her through this life changing moment. To everyone’s surprise, Groban reveals that he shaves his arm pits and must count on Lindzi to provide tips on which razors leave the least amount of razor burn. They agree that their relationship is about to take a new direction, kiss for luck and fling themselves out of the open door.

Lindzi: “I don’t know how I was able to do that. The only thing I can think of is that he’s worth the fall.”
Lincee: “I don’t know how you managed to keep your strapless bathing suit top on. But the bigger mystery is how you don’t look like a soaked raccoon? You applied eyeliner for 10 minutes in your ‘getting dressed for my date’ montage. Is it made of tar? Curiouser and curiouser.”

As with Groban tradition, he paddles over to Lindzi and they attempt to make out while treading water. After nearly drowning a few times, they swim over to the yacht and make out some more. Later, Groban drives Lindzi in a boat to a pier that has a million candles surrounding a picnic. He’s back to his comfort zone, wearing a blue v-neck and army pants. She’s trying to keep America from seeing all her business as she maneuvers on the ground in a skin-tight pink cocktail dress. They talk about taking a leap of faith together. He chooses not to mention that he already did that spelunking with Jennifer the Red Head before dumping her. She concludes by admitting that she wants to take a leap with her heart as well and would love to take him to meet her horse. And her family.

Groban pulls a bottle, pen and paper from behind a decorative pillow. The producers have instructed them to “write their story” on the paper, shove the memory into the belly of the bottle and then hurl it into the placid sea where it will undoubtedly be retrieved from someone vacationing in the cabana next door.

Groban: “Should we draw an illustration?”
Lincee: “Oh please yes!”
Lindzi: “Maybe we should draw something fun on one side and then write something serious on the other side.”

Groban writes an epic fairytale second only to Homer’s “The Odyssey” in length. The poor post-production crew had approximately two minutes of compiled footage of the Grobe and Lindzi to fill a five-minute voiceover as he read the story. Don’t ask me to recall what he said. I was distracted by the fact that there were three moments where Groban and Lindzi were together and they played them over and over again. We can only watch the inaugural cocktail party entrance on her horse in slow motion so many times before it becomes just plain sad.

Second One-On-One
Emily
“Do You Belize in Love?”

Upon hearing her arch nemesis’ name on the date card, Courtney begins to whine about the unfair rules of this dating show. She wallows in “her worst nightmare” and concludes that group dates just plain suck.

Emily, in a darling blue dress, looks forward to spending the day with Groban and hopes that Courtneygate is water under the bridge. She hops on a puddle jumper and the next thing we see is Groban bent over, butt facing the camera at a particularly unfortunate angle as Emily’s plane lands in the middle of a field.

Because I’m an awesome person and have no reason to blatantly waste your time, I’ve decided that Emily’s date will be compressed into one of my easy-to-read beta caps. You may thank me one day when we meet in person.

Bike riding. Beautiful landscaping. Coconut juice sucking. Basketball dribbling. Beer drinking. Ring shopping. Sight seeing. Street dancing. Eight-grade-dance styling. Lincee yawning. Life experiencing. Lobster spying. Groban buying. Lobster guy denying. Lincee laughing. Television crew spotting. Lobster guy agreeing. Boat jetting. Bland t-shirt peeling. Bikini revealing. Snorkel masking. Lobster catching. Lobster losing. Lobster cursing. Lobster catching. Emily swooning. Lobster pinching. Lincee laughing. Sun setting. Lazy Lizard lounging. Bongo drumming. Matthew McConaughey reminiscing. Hall of Fame scrolling. Back to recapping. Home town conversing. Strong connecting. Groban nodding. Home town invitation extending. Toast proposing. “You’re smart” complimenting. Red flag flying. Soft kissing. Tongue thrusting. Fast forwarding. Watch checking. One hour left loathing.

The scene changes to Courtney journaling in her bed about how she feels irritated that Emily is on a date with Groban. She doesn’t understand how Groban could do such a thing to her after Emily treated her so badly. She hasn’t had a one-on-one since Sonoma and has decided that if she is stuck in another group date, she will not be accepting a rose from Groban.

The door bell rings and Lindzi retrieves the date card.

Third One-On-One
Courtney
“Let’s Take the Next Step in Our Relationship”

Courtney: “OH SNAP! He hasn’t forgotten about me. I knew it!”

Kacie B. drops a choice explicative and then compares Courtney to a black widow spider.

KB: “It took every freaking fiber of my being to not spring across the room, punch her in face before opening a can of TENNESSEE STYLE whoop A$$.”

Groban picks Courtney up from her helicopter in a bright red v-neck and bland pants. She’s in tiny denim shorts and a green tank top. The producers have arranged for the dynamic duo to climb an old Mayan temple that features roughly 348 steps to the top. My knee hurt just looking at the steep incline. Courtney tells the camera that the spark has fizzled. Ironically, Groban admits that he’s falling in love with Courtney.

They reach a point on the temple in which oxygen is required and decide to set up the picnic. The ABC Intern has taken his script notes and folded it back and forth into a paper fan for Courtney. She dismisses him with an air kiss he will keep in his pocket for eternity. Then she rips Groban a new one. In her best baby talk of course.

Courtney: “I had a tough day yesterday. I was hard for me to know you were with Emily. She’s the one that said nasty things. If I didn’t get a one-on-one, I wouldn’t accept rose. Not going to bring someone home if I don’t know where we’re at. It was so good in the beginning. Now I feel like I am with a friend. I’ve lost the spark Babe.”
Translation: “DANCE MONKEY! DANCE!”

Groban: “I was in your shoes once. I respect it more that you tell me these things. I like you. I am amazed that you’ve been able to hang on. I want a woman with a little bit of edge. I want someone who is weird. I think I’m strange (Lincee insert: AMEN) I’m unique and need someone like that.”
Translation: “Please hang on at least until the forgo card fantasy suite date.”

Once again, our Bachelor has been Bentley’d.

Courtney rambles on about how with each step up the ruin she left behind a little bit of hurt and drama. Groban thinks about his Dad. Courtney tries to figure out a way to include “Mayan Temple Dominator” under “special achievements” on her acting resume.

That night, Courtney continues to work the puppet strings and somehow makes Groban beg for the opportunity to meet her family. She reassures that, for now, the spark has been reignited and then drops the phrase “soul mate” to a beaming Bachelor.

Groban: “I believe in soul mates too. First Ashley. Now you. I picture you in my life and had a crazy moment of clarity up on that mountain.”

Cut to Courtney’s talking head, telling the other girls that the show’s over and for them to pack their brightly colored bags. Then she finger guns the camera man. And rotates to execute a kill shot.

Not familiar with the kill shot? Watch this. Kill shot explained at mark 1:04. An added bonus can be found at mark 1:27. Not only am I a blogger, but I believe in pop culture education as well.

Courtney lies to Groban by telling him that she’s tried to be friends with all the girls from day one, but nothing happens. Instead of being sad or mad about it, she reveals that she’s just bored by their overall blandness.

As if Groban isn’t currently wearing an entire ensemble showcasing the various shades of khaki inspired by zookeepers and those who fought in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Courtney: “These women are vanilla. It’s exhausting when you have to live with them.”
Groban: “You don’t have any friends?”
Courtney: “Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Constantine.”

Groban admits that Courtney’s inability to bond with women is a bit of a red flag.

Courtney: “Do you know what my job is?”
Groban: “Totally. Swimsuit model.”

Courtney: “I’m the TALENT and have to make everyone happy. That means I have to adapt. I’m not impressed with these women…or girls. Do I need this? No. Are you worth it? We’ll see.”

Groban wises up and sticks his tongue down her throat before she pulls away and saunters off to flirt with the fan boy and then sacrifice him to the temple gods.

Group Date
Rachel
Nicki
Kacie B.
“Let’s Sea Whose Family I Will Meet”
(Was the ABC Intern on fire last night or what?!)

Groban breaks into the lady mansion (that is not a sexual innuendo for anything you dirty people) and tip toes to the beds of Rachel, Nicki and Kacie B. He instructs them to put on a bathing suit and meet him outside but the girls selectively hear, “Shave everything from head to toe, slap on some make up and curl your hair.” It took them so long to get ready, that the sun came up. Groban is lounging on a catamaran when the ladies join him for a day full of shark diving. Nicki screams just like the time she was at a Back Street Boys concert in Junior High. Kacie B. screams just like the time she was at a Bieber concert in Junior High. Rachel musters up a look of sheer terror before wallowing in her own dumb luck that she happened to snag the shark swimming date and she is super, duper afraid of sharks. She’s even fearful that sharks will bite her in lakes as well as oceans.

Let’s choose to ignore the fact that her primary school education failed her in defining fresh water versus salt water marine life and stick to the theme of scared women overcoming their phobias with Groban by their side. May I suggest to future contestants that you answer the “fear” portion on your application by stating something along the lines of:

- I have a strong aversion to romantic dinners on the beach.
- I avoid pimped out yachts at all costs.
- I dislike fresh flowers with a passion.
- The last thing I want to do is get a stamp in my passport.
- I absolutely abhor the feel of diamonds on my bare skin.

Groban promises he’ll be by her side the entire time. Here’s hoping he promises never to wear that dingy shirt again. They throw chum out in the sparkling water, just waiting for the death eaters to make their move. Nicki and Kacie B. plunge into the sea without a hint of fear. They happily report that eight sharks are merrily swimming below.

I’m going to call a quick time out. Wasn’t it just a few seasons ago that one of our Bachelors swam with the sharks and the contestants were forced to sign a legal document that the network would not be held responsible should their head be bitten off before lowering themselves into a protective cage? Yet these fools are allowed to frolic around in the open water with nothing between them and a hungry shark but a thin piece of neon green Lycra?

I half expected Harrison to arrive and jump these sharks via water skis in a black leather jacket.

Nicki and Kacie B. become bored with the wildlife and decide that complaining about Rachel monopolizing Groban’s time with her scaredy cat ways is more productive.

Later, the group heads to the rattan furniture for an afternoon of piña coladas. Groban takes each girl aside, providing them privacy when they confess their true love for him. Rachel never admits love, but does acknowledge that she finds him super cool and would love to introduce him to her family. Nicki discloses that she wants her parents to see for themselves why she’s falling hard for him. But Kacie B. goes for the jugular by placing a kicky pink flower in her hair, pulling Groban into the hot tub and confessing that she’s falling in love with him and wants her family to see all the wonderful things she sees. Naturally, she gets the date rose.

In an opposite than dramatic so let’s call it an ordinary twist, we discover that the rattan furniture is actually the outdoor patio for the lady mansion and Courtney has witnessed the entire rose exchange go down from the balcony above.

Courtney: “I’m not worried about Kacie B. She’s a little girl in a little boy’s body.”

She leaves the balcony at the annoyance of the producers because moments later, Kacie B. and Nicki both warn Groban about “someone” in the group who is “not here for the right reasons.”

KB: “More than anything, we want you to be happy.”
Nicki: “This is really serious. We care so much about you. We see so much and care about you possibly getting hurt. It’s hard not to say something.”
Groban: “Okay. Then say something.”

Nicki: “Be cautious about Courtney.”
KB: “Tread lightly.”
Groban: “Hey. That’s my line.”

ROSE CEREMONY
Everyone arrives to the rose ceremony in their favorite maxi dress and bare feet. All are served fruity, tropical drinks. Emily initiates the “who’s feeling confident tonight?” conversation and it takes two seconds for Courtney to ruffle the ladies’ feathers, including the several hanging from Rachel’s ear lobe.

Courtney: “I’m feeling good. I have an umbrella in my drink with a cherry on a toothpick, I’m in Belize. OH! IT TASTES SO GOOD WHEN IT HITS YOUR LIPS! I’m not on the same page as you guys. I’m not feeling somber. My glass if half full. Besides, Groban’s not the ONLY guy in the world.”

Emily stage whispers to Nicki, “DID SHE JUST SAY GROBAN IS NOT THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD?” right as Harrison walks in looking as fabulous as one possibly can.

Harrison: “I know I’m not the man you were hoping to see.”
Lincee: “Please…”

Harrison: “I talked to Groban and he decided that he would wear a striped black and white tie with a shirt the color of fungus. Sometimes, you have to pick your battles. With that said, he asked me to tell you that his mind is made up and there will be no cocktail party tonight. I suggest you finish your rum-soaked drinks, put on your shoes and follow me to the pier.”
Ladies: “We didn’t wear shoes.”
Harrison: “Good Lord. I’m working with amateurs.”

Groban arrives looking ridiculous and immediately diffuses everything Harrison just said about being ready to send some girls packing by requesting a private audience with Courtney. She skips up to his side, he grabs her hand and they walk off behind a banana tree to discuss important topics.

Groban: “I need to know you are in this for real.”
Courtney: “Winner.”
Groban: “That’s good enough for me.”

Along with Kacie B., roses are handed out to Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney. She accepted her rose, returned to her assigned position by Emily, inhaled deeply over the opening of the bud and then gave Emily the biggest “suck it” look in the history of dirty looks.

Of course we all knew he would give Courtney the rose. But I have to admit that Emily was a bit of a shock. She conducted her reject interview with as much dignity as she could, wishing that she could have taken back her decision to tattle on Courtney. Then she started crying.

Don’t worry Em. You’re a smart girl. Who can gangster rap! You’re going places.

See ya on the Bachelor Pad Rachel!

So that’s it! Next week is the ever popular home town dates. Who do you think is going home? Can Groban handle the pressure? Remember to send me your Bachelor party watching pictures and remember…NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION PLEASE!

Until next week, I’m all about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee

What’s really sad is that this episode had both shark diving and lobster grabbing.  And I was still bored.  Bless all of their hearts.

As I take the time to figure out what in the world I’m going to write about, please check out “Lessons Learned from Week Seven” over at the Huffington Post by clicking HERE.  The recap will be up later this afternoon…fingers crossed that it’s longer than two paragraphs.

It’s taken almost 30 days for me to muster up the courage to post a link to the darn thing.  And the reason I have hesitated this long is simple pride.  When I first heard myself, I was HORRIFIED at my accent.  I could overlook the fact that I was giggling like Jaime during her awkward lap dance because these guys are so spontaneously funny.  But the sounds that issued forth from the speakers of my MAC seemed so ridiculous that I couldn’t believe it was me talking.

So here we are.  I’ve taken the time to process the situation and have decided to look for a silver lining.  I’ve come up with two options:

1. This could be my audition tape for Big Bang Theory when Sheldon gets a visit from his East Texan cousin who is able to stretch most one syllable words into three. Both my hair and belt buckle will be large.

2. This could be my audition tape for “Hands on a Hard Body — The Musical.” Of course, I’ll have to come up with a few songs to sing in my second and third auditions. I’m thinking Zac Brown’s “Sic ‘Em on a Chicken” and Hank Williams, Jr.’s “A Country Boy Can Survive.” I’ll substitute gal for boy of course.

It is without further adieu that I present my interview HERE!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to figure out how to turn off the comments for this post.

This kind of question falls into the genre of when someone asks, “What’s your favorite song from the 80s? Or “Which is your favorite musical adapted for the big screen?” It’s like choosing a favorite child. I would insist on breaking the rules, first requesting at least three days to research the topic, compile my findings into a color-coded Excel spreadsheet and then sharing my list.

Although presented in the same vein as the above scenario, my morning show buddies’ inquiry gave me pause. Which was the lesser of two evils? The only thing I could think to say was, “That’s like asking me which I’d rather have performed on a weekly basis: a Brazilian who-ha wax or well woman exam?”

Fortunately for me, the guys and my sweet Mama who reads my website, I didn’t say “who-ha” on the radio. Instead, I said that I thought Jaime reverting back to the days where she learned the art of how to tongue kiss under the stadium bleachers was far worse than a psycho scrapbook. In this instance, awkwardness definitely trumped crazy.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Can you believe that it’s week six? Groban is halfway through his journey of finding mediocre love, celebrating 15 minutes of fame, suffering through three months of ABC mandated public appearances, breaking off an engagement, returning a princess cut Neil Lane diamond ring before irrevocably choosing to hook up with Vienna at a reunion party.

Harrison hooks the ladies up with a nice suite at Trump’s Ocean Club in Panama City. I can report that 74 versions of “OMG” were exclaimed as the women explored the bedrooms, breathtaking view and endless bottles of hard liquor available on every 90-degree angled surface. Groban arrives in a Jeep Wrangler, because he’s cool, casual and like his entangled coif, he just likes to go with the flow.

My spirits were dashed when Groban dropped off his own date card. Harrison would not be joining us. Had we all not been privy to constant dramatic teases of Our Host laying the smack down on that blond girl you can’t remember named Casey, I would have assumed that Harrison chose to enforce the clause in his contract that states he may skip one destination per season, sacrificing Panama entirely for an extra week on the beaches of Belize.

One-on-One
Kacie B.
“Will Our Love Survive?”

The girls are extremely irritated that Kacie B. has landed another one-on-one date with Groban. Rachel gives her the old stink eye, Courtney the Model calls him a chach for not weeding out the weaklings and Jugs McGee playfully tackles her while the ABC intern rushes off to find an inflatable swimming pool and several gallons of mud or Jell-O…just in case.

Groban picks KB up wearing brightly colored orange swim trunks and an azure blue tee from the Gap. Way to go Sonoma! I’m choosing to count this ensemble as a mild victory even though he was wearing restaurant industry issued black Reeboks currently residing on the feet of everyone on the wait staff at Other Groban’s family eating establishment in Georgia. Ironically, Kacie B. was wearing the exact techno-inspired purple and hot pink shirt I wore with lavender pedal pushers in my third grade reflection picture.

A helicopter drops the pair off on the deserted island of San Blas. The next few hours are critical. Groban and Kasie B. will be forced to experience what it’s like to live in the wild, completely relying on one another’s survival skills using only three items from their luggage. Kacie B. brought a stuffed monkey, a bag of gummy bears and a Swiss Army knife. Considering her restraint to NOT pack the baton, I think she deserves an “E” for effort in the participation column. Ben somehow scrounged up a fishing net, a book of matches and a machete. Had this been a true competition, he and the ABC intern who packed is bag totally outwitted, outsmarted and outplayed Kacie B.

By happy chance, things were going really well as the two sauntered down the beach holding hands, swirling glasses of Merlot. What a good call on the camera man’s part to be forward thinking enough to anticipate that a bottle of booze and stemware would be in order. An action sequence occurs when Groban decides to cut down some coconuts for dinner. Twenty minutes later, he’s still hacking away at the stubborn exterior. He feels even less manly as he dines on a balanced meal of gummy bears and the fish Kacie B. caught with his net in her black sequins bikini top.

The duo waxes on and off about how their 120-minute escapade on the lonely island allowed them to “be there for each other” and “glimpse into the teamwork that is marriage” and “come to the realization that they can make it on their own.” I came to the realization that Groban is more of a chach than I originally thought. We all learned something.

Kacie B. shows up for dinner in a one-armed severe black mini dress. Her head of curls have a mind of their own, but Groban doesn’t seem to mind. They share hair product secrets and before Groban tells us that he’s “looking forward to diving in deep.”

Newsflash Groban. You’re on a date with Kacie B. Not Courtney.

The halftime performer becomes visibly nervous when she admits to the camera that she has a deep dark secret she must confess to Groban. His reaction is about as palpable as the dingy grey shirt he’s wearing when Kacie reveals that she once had an eating disorder. Later Groban says that Kacie’s willingness to open up makes him like her even more. He said the same thing about Courtney the Model last week.

Kacie sweetly accepts the rose, reaches for a congratulatory kiss by rising to her tip toes in her kicky purple kitten heels that matches the thong we will surely see if she bends over.

Kacie B: “On a scale of one to wonderful, tonight was fantastic.”

Dissecting that sentence and arriving at the speculation that fantastic exceeds wonderful, on a scale of one to 10…I might throw up.

GROUP DATE
“Let’s Get Lost”
Emily
Nicki
Lindzi
The Blond Named Casey
Courtney
Jaime

Using process of elimination, Jugs and Rachel discover that they are the lucky participants in the dreaded two-on-one date. Jugs literally beams from boob to boob as Rachel listens to inner demons, telling her that she could never compete with a VIP cocktail waitress.

The group date ladies were given the choice to wear denim cut-offs or white shorty shorts paired with either a graphic tank top or frilly prairie inspired blouse that should never be worn in climates such as the rain forest. Groban arrives in an old boat that cuts through the muddy waters with ease. Once again, he reminds us that he’s looking for a woman who can just go with the flow. Ironically when the ladies sit down two-by-two, it starts raining. Then little kids start showing up at the waters edge throwing themselves into the filthy river with reckless abandon. It was all Emily could do not to take a water sample and educate the local people on simple hygiene.

Groban parks the boat and the group “stumbles upon a village” out in the middle of nowhere. Right. Just like Courtney “stumbled upon our Bachelor’s hotel room” before he Grobaned Elyse in her own rejection dinghy.

The entire village greets their guests, segregates the men from the women and provides colorful tribal inspired costumes for everyone. In the women’s hut, Courtney is perplexed as to why the other ladies aren’t willing to show their ladies in the ceremonial beaded dickies hand stitched by the village matriarch.

Courtney: “Are you wearing your bra with these?”
Emily: “I’m wearing a swimsuit top, and yes.”

Courtney: “You guys are so prudish. We’re in nature. You should bare chest it.”

Groban arrives to the party in a loin cloth. He looked ridiculous, as if ready to play a Junior Gladiator or cupid in the schmaltzy Valentine’s Day production at Sonoma Town Hall. His embarrassment was plastered all over his face until he noticed Courtney nipping out, a circumstance inspired by the cold rain. Things went a little primal after that. As Emily fluently communicated in Spanish with the Chief about waterborne diseases, Courtney paints B + C = heart with tribal paint on Groban’s back and then her skirt “accidentally” falls off. Never fear. I doubt the little children of the tribe were scarred for life upon seeing this nakedness since ABC provided computer graphically generated brightly colored loin cloths to cover their bare bottoms.

The viewing audience is another story. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it as many times as needed: thank you ABC for providing black box modesty patches. On a scale from one to wonderful, they were fantastic.

Everyone claimed to have a good time, but Courtney and Groban were the only two who actually meant it as the topic was discussed during the after party. He steals her away to have some alone time and she begins to weave her little web even tighter. The entire conversation was an elegant dance in double talk. Allow me to translate.

Courtney: “Our relationship is a good one. The skinny dipping in Puerto Rico was insane.”
Translation: “Picture me naked right now.”

Groban: “I like that you are assertive and confident. Don’t stop being yourself.”
Translation: “Let’s get naked again soon.”

Courtney: “It’s hard. I lose sight of our nights of passion. I just want to feel special.”
Translation: “Hand me your balls.”

Groban: “Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
Translation: “Here are my balls.”

Speaking of balls, Jaime finally grows a lady pair and steals Groban for some alone time. She is the only person related to the inner workings of the show who is completely shocked by the realization that Groban has no clue she likes him, even though this is the second time she’s addressed him in private. The first time was when she introduced herself upon exiting the inaugural cocktail party limo.

Jaime begins a very nervous, rehearsed soliloquy about her feelings, hopes and dreams. As if suddenly lost in a primetime sitcom, her audio is lowered, a tantalizing sting of music swells and the camera man focuses on a hot model in a bikini gallivanting stage left. It was like we were watching a dream. Jaime became very animated and spoke with a Charlie Brown teacher voice as Groban focused all his physical and mental energy into fighting the urge to not begin wolf whistling and panting.

The situation becomes tricky when Courtney begins executing Thighmaster exercises without the Thighmaster on the poolside chaise lounge. I’m sure Barney Stinson would have delivered a masterful inner dialog sequence, but we’re treated to Groban’s pulse rising before our eyes. Insert innuendo here.

Finally, Jaime realizes that her 20-minute conversation uplifting Groban to more than he could be has fallen on deaf ears. She admits defeat and bows her head to the mercy of the white string bikini.

Model – 1
Jamie – 0.

Groban decides to practice his Spanish with Emily. He applauds her for no longer being caught up in the house drama. She pokes fun and tells Groban she’s in love with the Chief over at the secluded village. He thinks she is totally funny and muy bonita.

This exchange gives Emily a distorted Pollyanna view of the show and she decides to make amends with Courtney. She apologizes for “inserting herself into a situation” and then asks to be friends.

Courtney: “I respect you being direct with me. I don’t forgive and forget. I don’t respect the fact that you talked bad about me. We will never be friends. Nobody treats me poorly.”

Thank goodness we have a villain. Otherwise, we’d be forced to watch Groban paint the town beige each week.

Lindzi receives the date rose for not overdoing it on the bronzer and Courtney is ticked. As she prepares for 15-minutes of complete silence in Room 1611, she begins crying about the fact all men like her but they always end up treating her without respect. It was a complete waste of good lip gloss and another round in the beaded bra when Groban didn’t show up. It was a great option for new footage on her acting reel.

Two-On-One
Rachel
Jugs
“Save the Last Dance for Me”

Jugs is super confident she is going to rock this date. Just when I was feeling bad about writing “as long as there are people there to make it rain” in my notes, she shows up in one of Ashley’s old rompers.

I’m going to ask you to make better bad decision Jugs. Come on.

The girls double hug Groban at the same time and then they intertwine their arms into his and head to the dance studio. If you haven’t guessed this week’s theme yet, let me give you a hint: Groban isn’t looking for the best dancer…he’s just looking for someone who can ________ . [Hint: the answer is NOT “go skinny dipping”]

The darling little salsa lady instructs the trio on how to move their hips, count to seven (skipping the number four) and shimmy with gusto, emphasizing that “the way you move with your partner shows if you have chemistry in real life.”

Jugs was costumed into a pink strapless number two sizes too small. I’m convinced the instructor’s daughter wore it at her quinceañera. Rachel wore a royal blue outfit with a feathery skirt. The Jim Henson Company would like for me to note that no Muppets were injured in the making of this frock.

Rachel is up first and fumbles through the 1-2-3, 5-6-7 with playful glee. Jugs practices in the wing, chomping her gum with every ball change.

Rachel: “I sort of forgot that Jugs was right there. We totally have chemistry.”
Jugs: “I’m a better dancer than Rachel. It’s what I do for a living.”

Jugs dramatically takes the floor, grinding on Groban like he’s the good old stage pole at Treasures. She delivers the beautiful choreography of her candy striper routine by mentally playing “Pour Some Sugar On Me” in her head. Rachel daintily tries to cut in, but Jugs is at the hot, sticky, sweet portion and Groban ignores her request.

Rachel: “This sucks. I don’t think he sees through her sexual dancing.”

At dinner, Groban comments on the awkwardness of the situation and both girls agree that they will be normal during one-on-one time. Rachel tells Groban that she is not in this for the competition, but truly like him. He answers with the assurance that he’s not quite sure how he’s going to vote tonight. Ah. The words every girl wants to hear when they are on a classy reality dating show.

Jugs sits on a bench with Groban and pours her heart out. She begins crying, ruining the soft texture of her purple eye shadow. Exhausted by emotional women, Groban looks behind her to see if there’s a model waiting for him in a white string bikini. No such luck. When he mentally returns to Jugs, she has presented him with a scrapbook.

Interesting. To my knowledge, they’ve spoken three times. Since cell phones and cameras are strictly forbidden, one can assume that said scrapbook is not chock full of snapshots from their 12 hour relationship. Upon further inspection, and commentary from Jugs, we learn that she has fashioned roughly 45 pages of “memories” based on the dates they haven’t been on and a future life together they have yet to live using only cut out words from brochures, TV Guides and dinner menus from hotels in Park City, Puerto Rico and Panama. I particularly liked the page that featured their fake first trip to meet the parents as it was all in Spanish. I’m sure I spotted at least four color swatches for bridesmaid dresses too. Maybe she absorbed a little too much glue tacking down all those cut out letters, but the final product was surely something serial killers and ransom letter writers would be proud of.

Watching the horror gloss over Groban’s eyes was entertaining. He gives the date rose to Rachel and Jugs exits the restaurant in a huff. He explained to her that he already has relationships with other women in the pack, encouraged her to maybe wear pants or jeggings next time and bid her adios. She grabs him for a long embrace, muffles something in the crook of his neck, hoists up the strapless quinceañera dress and heads for the States.

Forced Drama
Our Host arrives as a man on a mission. There will be no playful banter. Index finger rings are safe at home in the jewelry box. His effervescent smile is masked by a stern face as he drops an octave to command a private audience with that blond girl you don’t know named Casey.

OHCH: “It was brought to my attention by three different people back in US that you are in love with someone else other than Groban.”
Blond: “Michael? He’s like my ex.”

OHCH: “Are you or are you not still in a relationship with him?”
Blond: “That’s like totally not true.”

OHCH: “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. CODE RED. CODE RED!”
Blond: “Okay, okay! He said like he didn’t want to get like married and I do. I came here like looking for love.”

Using a skill few men possess, Harrison raises an eyebrow and the eavesdropping Bachelorettes quickly scurry back to their pre-rose ceremony beatification rituals.

OHCH: “Are you still in love with him?”
Blond: “I don’t want to be. I hope he will like change his mind.”

OHCH: “BUSTED. You still love him. Follow me.”

Harrison checks his secret, yet brightly colored file, eager to pull out incriminating evidence had Blond not admitted to sort of still loving her ex. He ushers her through back alleys and dark stair cases before boldly knocking on Groban’s door. He takes a seat, ready with the stick in case he has to poke the fire.

Blond: “Chris told me there was like something that I like needed to talk to you about.”
Groban: “Please don’t put your dirty feet on this beige couch.”

Blond: “Like I was in love with this guy, he didn’t like, like me back. Like I don’t think he’s like holding me back, but like Chris said like I should totally tell you.”
Groban: “I wish you had been more honest with me.”

Blond: “Like, I don’t want you to be mad.”
Groban: “Well…I don’t want you to be here.”

Casey the Blond shares the same confused look as witnessed earlier in the season by one Miss Pacific Palisades. I don’t think the truth actually permeated until Harrison debriefs her in the hallway. She begins to melt down before his eyes. His jaw tightens, undoubtedly from the piercing of flesh from his teeth.

Must. Not. Laugh.

Harrison takes one for the team and pulls Casey the Blond in for a hug before depositing her into the rejection vehicle. She ugly cries for several minutes. We’re not sure if she’s upset that Michael has miraculously pulled the puppet strings all the way from Kansas, that she’s been rejected on national television and never expected anyone to know she actually owns an acid washed denim jumper or she will never be able to disinfect her feet enough from walking barefoot all around the hotel.

Rose Ceremony
Nicki still has feelings for Groban and expresses those through slow dance moves from sixth grade. Emily feels more confident than she’s ever felt. Lindzi is rockin’ her bronzer. And Rachel discovers a chink in Courtney’s armor.

Courtney: “I feel like I’m going home tonight.”
Rachel: “What? I’ve never heard you say that!”
Courtney: “Bazinga.”

Jaime continues to reel in the unfortunate luck of her group date and decides to take matters into her own hands once again at the rose ceremony. She pumps herself up by chanting, “I’m a sexy woman. I can please him. I can make him happy. I’m NOT a prude.”

Clearly not. Prudes don’t wear short, tight, strapless red cocktail dresses.

She corners Groban and our Bachelor is genuinely thrilled that Jaime has decided to have an actual conversation with him. Things begin to look bleak when she commands, “Brace yourself because you are going to be shocked.”

He becomes even more excited when she decides the best way to show him that she cares is by giving him a lap dance in her shorty red dress. The buzz dies down when she can’t stop giggling at her own spontaneous ways. She keeps babbling that she’s usually not this “fancy” between bouts of sticking her tongue down his throat. It was the most curious thing I’d ever seen.

She dismounts his crotch, chooses a more ladylike position beside him on the bench and then suggests they simply make out.

Groban: “That sounds great. I didn’t expect that from you. You went from zero to 60.”
Jaime: “You think that was a 60? That was more of a 50.”

Good Lord Jaime. For the sake of everyone watching you right now in utter disbelief, those updating their Facebook status and Tweeting, “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!” I beg of you to stop the car completely and just walk away so I can crawl out from behind this couch cushion.

Of course she didn’t.

For the next 20 unfortunate minutes, Jaime gives Groban a step-by-step lesson on how to French kiss a girl. Her instructions are peppered with key indicators that this is not going well, such as, “Yeah, I know.” or “I’ve kissed a girl before.” and the zinger, “You are making this so much harder than it needs to be.”

He pulls away, exclaiming “I can’t take you seriously!” She looks at him quizzically, gnawing on a mint or an ice chip, which I’m sure made the Kissing: 101 class that much more awkward. Perhaps she was proving that she had a talented tongue by tying a cherry stem into a knot? Whatever. That’s not the point. The point is that this presumably sweet girl has just landed herself a permanent spot in the “Bless Her Heart” Hall of Fame.

Jaime: “I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

I’m going to go with: “She is certifiable.”

Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel join the other ladies and watch as Nicki, Courtney and Emily receive roses.

Poor Jaime. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Especially when you’re told to take a moment to say your goodbyes.

Next week, our six remaining ladies travel to Central America where Courtney may finally be outed for being a dramatic mean girl. Am I excited? You better Belize it!

Quick side bar: PLEASE DO NOT POST SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTIONS! I LIKE TO BE SURPRISED!

Thanks everyone!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

For more embarrassing moments, feel free to check out my mini recap over at Huffington Post by clicking HERE. The big recap will be up later today.