I'm A Foster

7 Ways To Help Foster Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Fri, 10 May 2013 03:52:00 +0000

Looking for a way to help kids in foster care but not interested in being a foster parent? Being a foster parent isn't for everyone. Here are 7 ways you can help kids in foster care.

1. Provide respite. Don't want to be a full time foster parent? You don't have to. You can provide respite care to help out. Respite care can be providing a break for foster families or doing emergency care. At my group home we had respite parents come by our home to help throughout the week. They would also stay one night a week during what we called "date night". This gave our house parents a night off to go spend some time away from the kids and have a break. If you choose to do emergency placement you may have a child or children from 24 hours to 30 days. This is important because your home may be the child’s first experience in foster care. Every foster kid that is old enough remembers their first night after being taken into foster care. You can have a positive impact on kids that really need it, that they will remember for a lifetime.

2. Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). This is a great program if you’re looking to volunteer and really make an impact on a foster child's life. A CASA is assigned to a case to look out for the best interest of the child. They are not paid and have no ulterior motives for helping which I think is important to the foster kid. As a foster kid I realized that almost everyone that was "working for me" was getting paid to do what they do and it was their job to do it. How can I know that what your telling me to do is in my best interest if your getting paid to tell me it? CASA's can really impact the lives of foster kids and help them through the foster care system. It's a piece of mind knowing someone cares and is looking out for you. Find out more about CASA.

3. Be a mentor to a foster kid. As foster kids we've seen more than we should have. Sometimes we've seen more then most adults. Abuse, neglect, drug use, poverty just to name a few. It's sometime had to stay on the right path. A foster kid having a mentor can make a huge impact. Maybe even more than foster parents. I really looked up to my mentor. He was great to talk to and would help me with some of life's decisions or teenage problems. I stayed out of trouble because I didn't want to disappoint him. One bad decision can lead to horrible consequences. A foster kid that has someone to guide them and look up to is more likely to succeed now which will lead to success later in life.

4. Give a foster kid some work. Just like every other teenager when I hit 16 I wanted to drive. Couple problems though; I didn't have a car, money or a job. I had to buy a car, license and pay for insurance by myself and in my name. The solution? Get a job. Not that easy. Many people have wrong stereotypes of foster kids. They think of them as juvenile delinquents. They really just need a chance. I applied for my first job at really the only place to work in town, the local cafe. I put in my application and didn't hear anything back. I checked back and nothing. One morning I went in when the boss was there and asked about my application again. This time the customer at the register was the superintendent of the school and someone I had met through church. He told the owner "You need to hire this boy, he's a great kid". Her response, "I was going to have him come in after school today". She later told me that she didn't know about foster kids and wouldn’t have hired me without him speaking up. All foster kids need is a chance. How is a foster kid supposed to better themselves and not do bad things for money if they aren't given a chance to work and get on their feet? If you have some work, reach out and give a foster kid some work.

5. Donate. Don't have time to volunteer? There is a need for everything in the foster care system. I used to love it when people would drop off donated items such as clothes. Clothing vouchers don't go a long way so it's great to get "new" clothes. All out Christmas items out my group home were from donations. Some group homes NEED donations to operate. If you don't have anything gently used lying around but have a little left over after the paycheck then why not make a small donation every now and then. Think of the kid that's smiling on the other end because he got shoes to play basketball at school (I was happy I was able to get the team shoes to fit it with the rest of my high school team) or will have presents to open at Christmas. A common thing among foster kids is having to carry their clothes in trash bags from home to home. Visit www.suitcaseforkid.org to find how you can help make a foster child's next move a little easier.

6. Provide a service. Do you have a service that you could provide free of cost to help out? There are several skills that could be used to help the foster care system. Maybe you can cut or style hair. Everyone needs a hair cut. There is also many African American foster kids that are living with white families that may not know how style their hair. Maybe you could help them out? Are you good with math, science, ect.? Offer to help tutor some foster kids and help them keep up their grades. As a foster kid their was so much going on outside school that made school seem like not a big deal or made things hard to concentrate. It was great having people to push me in school and help me understand things I may have not gotten in class. Are you pretty handy with a hammer? I'm sure that there are many foster parents that would love some help fixing up the house to make it more suitable for the life style of foster care.

7. Be a driver. In my group home there were up to 8 kids at a time. That is 8 kids that were in school and sometimes in sports. Also there can be a good amount of doctor, dentist and therapist visits for 1 child let alone 8. Many agencies could use some help driving foster kids to their appointments or events. You can call your local agencies and group homes to find out if this is a need where you live.

How To Solve The Aging Out Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 18:35:00 +0000

If you are involved in foster care or have done any research then you know that the statistics are stacked against foster kids when they age out of the foster care system. This isn't just a short term problem. Many foster kids go on after aging out and continue to be homeless or in jail. Many spend their life on some sort of government assistance. Kids that are told to go out on their own to be adults don't know how to be adults. Sometimes there has been bad habits instilled in them from abuses they received as a child. Some may not know how a person is really supposed to act or behave because they have only been subjected to craziness. How are you supposed to succeed out of foster care if you are never taught how?

I feel like sometimes in foster care it's more of just taking care of the children. I only lived in one type of placement setting and I know some foster parents teach their kids more than others. This may not be true for foster parents looking to adopt but I feel like foster care is just that, care. There needs to be more of an emphasis on how to be a PRODUCTIVE member of society. Society itself needs to step up and take responsibility instead of complaining about the way things are. If we are tired of spending all this money on people in jail, on drugs, homeless, or just unmotivated; then there needs to be something interjected before it gets to that point. There needs to be someone there to mentor these children into adults.

Though I have not found statistics relating to kids in foster care and mentoring, I have experienced what it's like to have a mentor, how it affected me, and that mentoring in general has been proven to work. According to a beamentor.org, a California Mentor Foundation survey found that out of 124 mentor programs and 57,659 mentees:

98% stayed in school
85% did not use drugs
98% Deterred from teen pregnancy
98% Did not join a gang

In another study by the Ford foundation of high school students from families receiving public assistance found that those children with mentors where more likely than those without mentors to:

Graduate from high school
Enroll in college
Have fewer children
Have fewer arrests
Live without public assistance
Become involved in community service
Be hopeful about their future

Though it wasn’t through a mentor program and he was labeled a friend and not a mentor, there was a man that took me under his wing for awhile when I was in foster care. I met him at church camp and he was in the Marine corp. I can't tell you how it was cool that he had so much going on in his life and he would want to hang out with me. He would pick me up and we would go on different adventures, work out, he would teach me to shoot and just hang out. The best were the pranks that we would pull. I felt normal, and got to go out and do normal things. You just don’t get to leave with a foster kid and go off somewhere either. There is background checks and signatures. It means lot when someone is willing to go through that just to hang out and give you a place to get away. I wanted to be a good person and I wanted to succeed, I didn't want to let him down. Though I have lost contact with him, he made a big impact on my life when I needed it most.

Mentors are need for more than to just keep kids out of trouble or on the right path. They aren't just needed for a couple years after aging out of foster care either. Sometimes I think that people that grew up "normal" forget that kids in foster care often aren't taught a lot about the "little things" that are really actually major things that can impact your life long term. By this I mean things like budgeting, paying bills, loans, and I could keep going. I can't tell you how many life decisions I've gone through really wishing I had someone just to ask for advice.

There are many ways your can help kids that have been involved in foster care. It doesn't have to be through an agency or by volunteering. You don’t even have to seek out a foster home. I bet there’s someone in your church, workplace or neighborhood that could use a mentor. You can sometimes help by just making yourself available to someone that needs it, by letting them know that your there if they need help with any of life’s questions.

Seeing Bio Parents Many Years After Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 04:29:00 +0000

The other day I got off work and headed down to my car, ready to start my weekend. We work at a company that is above a shopping area. It was warm so there were a good amount of people out clothes shopping and running around. As we were walking through the parking lot I heard a screeching noise that caught my attention; so I looked in that direction. It was coming from a truck that was passing by. That's when I saw a couple of people I haven't seen several in years... My bio parents.

Here’s a quick background of the story so you know where I'm coming from. They technically aren't my biological parents. My biological father is an alcoholic. My mom left him when I was young and married a man that eventually adopted me. They had my brothers. Not too long after the adoption and my 2nd brother’s birth, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away when I was 11. A year later my adopted dad remarried. My step mom started the abuse by convincing my dad and others that we were troubled children. Abuse continued for my brothers and I for 3 years before we were taken into foster care. A year after entering care my dad signed his rights away as part of a plea deal that also included that he spend 90 days in jail and would allow my step mom to get off scott free. That's what some of us would call "taking one for the team".

My parents never really admitted that they did anything wrong. They pushed a lot of the abuse accusations on me, saying that I exaggerated things or that I misunderstood the punishments and how things were. It was insulting. As many people that have been abused or know someone who was abused there are lasting effects. I have some anxiety issues and PTSD. My brothers are teenagers so I’m starting to see the issues they are going to have. As you can imagine this makes you pretty upset with the people that are responsible for your trauma. Even though I don't feel sorry for myself, when I get in one of those awkward foster kid situations (family events, holidays, needing life guidance) it makes me angrier with them.

When I seen them coming down the street I was shocked. I literally said out loud "Oh my God it's them" and just stared. For some reason I wanted to make sure they seen me and they did. I really didn't know what to do. I was in shock for a minute not really having any feelings our thoughts. Then I got a rush of adrenaline. I knew this would happen one day. They don’t live too far away and a lot of people come to this town from nearby towns to go to the mall. I had played the scenario over in my mind thousands of times. Sometimes it involved them apologizing and them being different. I knew that wasn’t happening so most often it involved a physical altercation. I kind of wanted a physical altercation to be truthful. I kept thinking about how I wasn’t a kid anymore and how everyday for the rest of our lives we will be reminded some by what our parents did to us.

I stood there just staring. I could tell They were in shock too and they stared back at me. I watched them as they drove around the parking lot and circled back around. They were looking at me and obviously circled to get a closer look. They pulled up not to far away and I could see them staring. My dad was smiling. It was that same smile that he used to give me as he looked down on me which my blood boil. I wanted to do something to really get their attention. Part of me was hoping they would come close. As they drove by about 20 feet from me I just stood there. Something in me just couldn't move. It wasn’t worth the trouble that I would have been in. No amount of revenge I got that day would have been equal to what they put us through. I don’t think I would have really felt better in the long run.

I have a feeling that moment will be one that I play over many times. I question that if I did the right thing for myself. Would confronting them really make me feel better? Did I miss out on an opportunity to do any healing? I’ve thought about it a long time. I think the best thing to do is do the best for you. That is how you get your revenge, you turn it into motivation. As children of abuse we have been controlled and dominated by others. We were made to be afraid and think that we needed them. I was always told that I couldn’t make it without them. It’s been hard, but I’ve made it with out them.

The Importance Of Foster Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:15:00 +0000

There are a lot of discussions that can arise when bringing up the topic of foster care. We can discuss the hardships of child abuse, living in foster care and aging out. There's a lot of focus on what’s broken in the foster care system and the trouble that foster kids face when aging out. This is all rightfully so. Foster kids aren't just abused, removed from their home and everything is fine because they are away from the abuse. Foster kids often face ongoing trauma from their past and into their future. Every day you wake up you realize you’re a foster kid. There are constant reminders. You feel alone and like you’re against the world. That is why foster parents are so important!

Coming into foster care I didn't want parents. I wanted to do "my time" and go out on my own. At only 15 I was a typical teenager that thought I knew everything. I knew a lot since I had been through a lot but I needed guidance. The only people there for me on an everyday basis was my foster parents. No matter what I had been through I wasn't an adult. My foster parents reminded me this, and they let me know it was ok to be a kid. I had felt responsible for my brothers for so long I no longer felt like there brother but more of there keeper. They let me know that this wasn't my job; I shouldn't have to be an adult or do the things I had done in the past. I was a brother. I was a 15 year old kid. It was time to rebuild my life.

As foster kids we need structure, our world has been chaotic up until this point and in some ways will continue to be. The great thing about my foster parents was that they taught me how to do things on my own. They understood what kind of world I was going to be facing. Everyone in foster care has seen the aging out statistics, it was important that my foster parents teach me to survive on my own. I was taught to cook, clean, handle bills and manage money. My foster parents were a huge help getting me ready for the real world. I attribute much of my success to them. They not only pushed me but watched over me to make sure I kept my nose clean

So where do these foster parents come from? Not everyone is cut out to be a foster parent. It's important that the foster parent is ready, willing and able to provide for their foster kids both physically and mentally. Kids that are in foster care have been through enough hardship, abuse, and/or neglect to last many life times. Places like Capstone foster care realize this and strive to find quality foster parents for the foster children in their area. As an independent foster care agency they realize that many foster children have had a lack of warmth or love in their home and need someone to believe in them. They strive to make placements comfortable for everyone, especially the foster kids.

Being in foster care isn't just riding out the journey until your case goal destination. Foster parents are there everyday with the child, through the ups and downs of not only life but life in foster care. As all parents know, it’s hard enough to be a parent under normal conditions. Imagine having a child that has come from a broken home, has often developed bad behaviors, stressed about life, and scared. Foster care parents have to deal with not only the stresses of their everyday life, but those of their foster kids, and also the many things that come along with foster care. It takes a special person to be a foster parent. It's not for everyone and I have much respect for those that take on the challenge. I thank you for helping us. I know first hand how important it is to have a good foster parent.

Why Would An Abused Child Want To Return Home?

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 05:52:00 +0000

There are many preconceived stereo types and misconceptions in foster care. Many can't relate or understand what abused children go through or why they act the way they do. Many times we don't know ourselves why we feel a certain way. One of the common things people can't quite understand is why abused kids would want to go home to their parents.

Being older I didn't want to go home. I was made to believe everything that was going on was just normal punishments, but as I got older I realized more that we were really in trouble. After the fact I could see how good my parents were at hiding what was going on and for how long it went unnoticed. I knew that if we went back we wouldn't be so lucky. At 15 I knew that I couldn’t go back to my parents and had already decided I was going to go into life without parents. I wanted to be on my own, but many foster kids, maybe even most, would like to be with their parents. Why is that...?

As a society, we are trained to love our parents. Even if your parent isn't taking care of you the best, someone won't tell you that your parents are bad. They will skew it to make it look different or not the parents fault. When we are young we are taught to look up to our parents and to respect them. We are supposed to listen to what they say. We feel like we have to listen and forgive them. In the bible it tells us to honor our mothers and our fathers, it doesn't break it down and tell us when.

It's hard to understand, but sometime when you go through something really bad, something not so bad looks pretty good. For example, if you haven't eaten all day a little bread and water look pretty good. Yea it's just bread and water, but if puts something in your stomach and keeps you alive. Your’e thankful your being fed. At times I felt like I owed my parents when they let up on abuse or it wasn't as bad as previous times. I was thankful they stopped so I would make excuses of how this made them not all bad.

Living in abusive household you learn to survive. Sometimes just surviving through the day is the main goal. You learn methods to try to make things easier on yourself. You do things to please the abuser to make the abuse not happen. It becomes a habit it and apart of life. It instills in your brain at a time of development. Some kids feel responsible for the abuse in the first place. Many abusive parents will blame their child for the abuse. Children feel like if they were better kids then their parents wouldn't do those things to them. They are convinced that it is their fault and they want to please their parents.

It doesn't make sense to some people until you really look at all the factors. We want to believe in people and we want to be loved. We don't want to believe that the people that were supposed to love us the most did such horrible things. Should everybody get a 2nd chance?

Foster Care Journey: Not So Simple

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 06:32:00 +0000

Like many kids entering foster care my brothers and I didn't know what to expect for our future. We had some family help getting away from the abuse going on and they said that they would be willing to take us. I thought this made things pretty simple since we had someone that was willing to take all of us, they were good people and would take good care of us. Come to find out things just aren't that simple. The thought that we would be going to live with family still dragged on though for many months.

I never really felt fully informed about the process, what was going on, or why it needed to be that way. It amazed me how hard they pushed reunification. My parents had gotten away with abuse for years and I felt that they would only get better in hiding it. I didn't realize what was going on at first. Since there was a criminal case against my parents that made things more complicated. There were depositions, psych evals, therapy sessions, and meetings with different people. Being fifteen I got the jist of what was going on but the scary part was I didn't know there motives. I didn't understand what all the questions or tests where for. They told me my brothers could possibly go back but it was unlikely that I would. That scared me even more because there would be nobody there to protect them in case something went really bad.

How can you have a criminal case with charges of abuse and neglect against someone that believes they didn't do anything wrong and want to give them a kids. It seemed like they made it pretty simple for my parents. Admit this, jump through these hoops, and fix this and you have your kids back. It was once explained it like this to me: If you were feeding your kids chocolate cereal and DFS came in and said "chocolate cereal is bad, if you admit you did something wrong and promise to never feed them chocolate cereal again we will give you back your kids" would you argue that chocolate cereal isn't bad, that it was just a misunderstanding, and that you didn't do anything wrong or would you apologize and never feed your kids that cereal so you could keep them. It all seemed pretty simple to me. Once again things aren't that simple.

Once my parents rights were terminated there was more uncertainty. I was close to graduating and I was deciding I was just going to stick around the area. My brothers were younger though and needed to find a permanent home. The family member that I though we would go live with was turned down by DFS and so was a second family member that came into our live while we were in foster care. They don't reveal the reason why. After that it was decided that they were going up for adoption. Adoption is not a simple a process

I haven't gone through adoption process myself but I saw what my brothers went through. There were adoption fairs and couples that would come over and see them. They didn't really know what was going on but it made me feel uncomfortable. I know this process had to be done but I felt they were being shown like cattle. There was a couple that was interested, passed inspections and my brothers went to stay with them. It turned into longer visits and finally got to the time to take that final step to take my brothers on full time. They came with back with my brothers that final trip and decided that the arraignment wasn't for them. I felt bad for my brothers because they couldn't understand why they weren't going to live with them. I was mad that my brothers were put through those ups and downs. That situation wasn't simple for anyone involved.

I am glad that they made that decision though. I wouldn't want my brothers to be with a family that second guessed their decision. They ended up getting adopted by a great family on the next go around. They live a whole lot closer so it worked out better in that end too. It's wasn't a simple journey. Not knowing where you're going, not having the power to choose, and dealing with your current life situation is a lot for a child to handle. In the end you roll with the punches and see how you come out at the end of the round.

If you would like to share your story about your journey as a foster kid or parent, or just read others stories, visit our shared stories section.

Foster Care Placements

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 06:13:00 +0000

Many times when people think of foster homes we think of only a certain type of placement. Those who don't have experience with the foster care system often leave it to their experiences from movies or stereotypes to form in their mind what its like to be in foster care. Not all kids that are in foster care are in the same type of placements. According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System there were 400,540 kids in the foster care system as of September 2011. They break foster care placements down into categories and give the percentage in each type of placement:

Foster Family Home- This is foster care that is provided in a more "normal" family setting. An example of this would be a husband and wife deciding to take a foster child into their home.

47% (188,222 kids) were living in a non relative foster family home.
27% (107,995 kids) were living in a home of a relative.

Institution- This is a type of placement that often has shift care provided by adults who are unrelated to each other or the children in the residence.

9% (34,656 kids) were lived in some sort of institute.

Group Home- This is a type of foster home where care is provided in a small group setting. This is a single residence that cares for a small group of kids at one time.

6% (23,624 kids) were living in a group home.

Trial Home Visit- When parents or children are complying and it is thought they are ready to go live back home with their parents they are on a trail home visit.

5% (20,568 kids) were on a trial home visit.

Pre Adoptive Home- When a child has moved in with an adult or adults that plans on adopting the child it's referred to as a pre adoptive home.

4% (14,213 kids) were in a pre adoptive placement.

Supervised Independent Living- This is often times a setting where young adults live among each other in a sort of community supervised by adults. This is for those transitioning out of foster care into life on their own.

1%(3,868 kids) were living in a supervised independent living placement.

If you add up the percentages you'll have a total of 99% of foster kids and their placements. Where are the other 1% or 5,870 kids? Sadly they are listed on the report as runaways.

What Is A Foster Care Group Home?

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 17:58:00 +0000

When in foster care there are many types of foster homes that you can be in. During my journey through foster care I experienced 2 types. First my brothers and I went to an emergency placement outside of town. After about a week of emergency placement we were then moved to a group home until I aged out and my brothers stayed a couple years longer until my brothers were adopted.

First I Before we had gone into foster care I had heard people talk about foster care and group homes. My parents had used the bad stereotypes of foster homes to further control us during abuse. They would tell me about how foster parents didn't care about their kids. They would tell me stories about how foster parents would beat and neglect their children. They said I would be attacked by other kids that lived there. My parents used these ideas to keep us quiet and to make us believe that whatever we had suffered by their hands was a cake walk compared to what would happen if we went to a foster home. The idea of a group home made me think of the movie Little Orphan Annie. I had this idea of a group home being a place with a bunch of kids fending for themselves, more or less I though of it as a prison.

So what is a foster care group home like?

As with anything no one place is the same as another. There are levels of facilities in foster care. A child with more problems or that acts out more will be placed in a facility or group home that is a little more restricting. My brothers and I were placed at a rural group home called Coyote Hill Christian Children’s Home. At the time Coyote Hill was made up of 3 group homes. Each house would have a married couple as "house parents" (Coyote Hill is Christian based and it was mandatory that the house parents were married) and were parent figures to up to 8 kids. There would also be "relief parents" that aided the home parents both during the week and also while our home parents were away such as on vacation. Each week our foster parents would get what was called a date night, a 24 hour time period where the relief parents would come in and take over responsibilities to give the home parents a break. The home parents a part of the house that was separate that was their apartment. It was a private area that they could sleep and live and the kids weren't allowed to go. It was a full apartment with a couple bedrooms, living area, and kitchen/dining room area.

Click image to enlarge home layout

In the homes there could be up to 4 girls and 4 boys in each. The boys’ hallway had 2 rooms and girls in the opposite hallway had 2 rooms. Girls and boys had separate bathrooms in their hall. You were able to get up and go to the restroom at night but could not home out of the hallway. There were motion sensor alarms to alert the parents when you crossed a certain point. There were also alarms on the outside door and windows. This was needed to prevent kids from running away or trying to meet up with the opposite sex. There were a lot of rules in place for several reasons. There are several rules and guidelines’ being a foster kid but, it was also a group home of kids of different genders and ages, and also a Christian home. There were no touching by different genders, no going into the other genders hallway, and several other rules to prevent co mingling. There were also rules about what type of music, movies and games played since the home is Christian based. Not much secular music was allowed and had to be previewed by the home parents, movies had to have a good child rating and not be negative or suggest non Christian actions. We would switch different chores each week and be responsible for doing our laundry and keeping up our rooms.

We had a lot that we were able to do in our free time. Obviously with good behavior and building trust with your home parents your were able to do more. There was a basketball hoop and play area at every home. We would play with the kids from out home or if we could ask we also were able to go visit other homes or see if one of the other kids could come hang out at our home. We spent a good amount of time doing activities with one of the other families or just having a meal together. There were ponds where we could go fish or a beach in the summer that we could swim at. Sometimes our house parents would take us on trips, at my home we went to Branson to the theme parks a couple times and we also would go camping. Volunteer groups would also come out to our homes quite often to just spend time helping out, playing, or helping us fix/clean things up. I think living in a group home allowed us to do more activities and interact with outside groups wanting to volunteer as compared to living in a "normal" family foster setting.

As I said earlier my brothers and I got lucky with this placement. I think living in a group home allowed us to do more activities and interact with outside groups wanting to volunteer as compared to living in a home were we were the only foster kids. It also help me see that I'm not the only one that has been a victim of abuse but also I was able to realize that there are kids out there (unfortunately) that have had it worse then me.Even though there were a lot of rules we were with people that not only wanted to take care of us but it was with Christian values. Coyote Hill itself did a good job of screening their workers and giving the kids the best possible care and counseling. The would drive us to our appointments and we had weekly counseling sessions on top of being able to talk with our foster parents. We interacted with the other homes and would get together and do things with the other kids. I owe a lot to my house parents guiding me at a tough time, teaching me to try to see things positively and always being there for me. Even though it was a group home we were still part of a unit and had somewhat of a family feeling. For more information on Coyote Hill visit there website at www.coyotehill.org.

Have you had any experience with group homes?

Insight To Food Issues With Foster Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 05:55:00 +0000

Unfortunately through my abuse I learned that many things can be used as a tool in abusing. Even things that don't seem that important to a kid can be made important by the abuser and used against them. For example my parents were very materialistic and would use clothing as punishment. Even though it doesn't really matter what type of clothes you wear my parents made believe that they were important and if I didn't wear certain clothing I would be made fun of. This can be even worse when the tool that there using is a necessity to life such as shelter, water and food. My parents used food as a control method and punishment for me and my brothers. This lifestyle caused us several food issues that lasted through foster care and some stick with us today.

My step mom had convinced my dad that my brothers were ADHD and they needed to be on a special diet. Long story short my step mom had lied about going to the doctor and she made up some special diet for my brothers and me consistently of "no sugar foods" such as beans, spam, raw vegetables, and really any other horrible thing she could pass. They tried this with me to. Me being the stubborn one that I am and just know that I would throw up their concoction anyway, I just refused to eat their food until I got something regular. I would miss a couple days of eating but eventually they got they point that I wouldn’t allow them to go to that extreme with my diet. My brothers were a different issue; they were young and didn't understand what was going on. They did what they were told even though they didn’t like it. I remember many issues over food and them eating.

So our food issues began. Since food was used as a punishment and it was made into such a big deal it set my brothers apart from my step moms kids. The other kids were even allowed to comment on how gross it looked and make fun. My brothers would then become anxious when it was time to eat. They weren't fed enough and would try to sneak food whenever they could. We would also hide food wherever we could. Anytime I got some extra food I would have to find a place to hide it. I also had to find a place to hide the wrappers and get them out without being seen. Our food hoarding became an issue when the food and wrappers would attract mice. We would get caught, punished but I never wanted to go without food when they wanted to use food against me. I knew they would use whatever weakness I had so I tried to limit my weaknesses.

Going into foster care one I could tell right off the bat the food issues one of my brothers had. In the beginning every meal he would devour and eat himself sick. After eating he would always want to know what we were having to eat for each meal, the rest of the day and into the next day. He would even check in to make sure the meal plan was still on throughout the day. Food hoarding did still go on. I also had some food issues of my own on top of hoarding. I wouldn't eat very much. First it was awkward being at someone eles home eating someone else’s food. We didn't go over to people has much and it made me feel really uncomfortable being in that situation. The second was I still didn’t ever want to let food be a weakness. If I was ever told to go to bed hungry then I wanted to be able to survive without being able to give in to whatever they wanted me too. I would not eat as much and train my body to go on less. I felt it was a survival tool.

I'm happy to say that both my brothers and I have improved on some of our food issues. My brothers are now adopted and my one brother doesn't need the meal plans like he used to. He still loves to eat but it's at normal amounts. I now eat normal amounts and often myself, but the hoarding still goes on for all three of us. They still hoard food the old way of hiding it away from their parents. Since I'm an adult I can keep things in plain view. I keep the cabinets stocked and there are some things in there that just sit there and don't get eaten.

Food issues in your childhood can affect you when you’re an adult. It affects kids in different way but it’s all a method of survival. If you are a foster parent who has a child with food issues this is normal. If you have food issues you’re not alone. The issues my never go away completely, but with some mental work and time it can and will get better. for more information on different food issues

What Is CASA?

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 17:24:00 +0000

You may have heard of the term CASA used before when dealing with the foster system. What is CASA? CASA is short for Court Appointed Special Advocate. It's a national association that in the U.S. that supports and promotes court appointed advocates for abused or neglected children to provide children with a safe environment in a permanent home. CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to watch over and be an advocate in court for children of child abuse and neglect. This is so the child just doesn't get stuck in the legal and/or foster care system or be place in a foster home that doesn't allow them to live safe healthy and healthy. The CASA member is an advocate for the child until the child's case is closed and placed in permanent home that is free from abuse and neglect. They get to know the children and everyone in the child's life. Bio parents, foster parents, teachers, social workers and others are met with. They gather and use this information to report back to the judge what they think is the best direction for the youth.

As a foster kid experience abuse and/or neglect you learn that it’s hard to trust people. If your parents, the ones who are supposed to love you the most, can victimize you then what’s to make you think that other people are going to look at for you. As a 15 year old in foster care I realized that the people involved in my case and in the foster care system all had a job. They get paid to do that job therefore it's hard to think that they don't have an agenda. Are they recommending these things for me because it's their job or do they really care about me and my future? With this being said it's nice to have someone like a CASA advocate in your corner because they are a volunteer, don't get paid, and since that is the case I feel more like my best interest IS their agenda.

There is proof that these advocates make a difference. According to the CASA website, last year, more than 77,000 CASA and guardian ad litem (GAL) volunteers helped 234,000 abused and neglected children find safe, permanent homes. Also independent research has shown that children with these special advocates are less likely to spend long term time in foster care and also less likely to re-enter care. They are also less likely to bounce around to different home and more likely to be adopted. I think most importantly these kids with CASA advocates do better in school.

So who are CASA advocates? They are everyday people that want to do their part to help. I know a couple members and work with someone that is involved. It's a great program that I've seen help both sides. It can open your eyes to what a foster kid really goes through and what is like to live in the system. It gives the youth someone with no agenda, that they can trust and know someone is looking out for them. 600,000 kids experience foster care each year. Last year nationwide 234,000 kids were helped by 77,000 CASA and guardian ad litem (GAL) volunteer. Much help is need so if you’re interested check out the national CASA website for more info on how you can help.

Stop Being A Victim

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 19:17:00 +0000

Are you still a victim? Recently I read a quote by David Pelzer on people being stuck on being victimized many years after the actual event. On CNN Pelzer says "What distresses me at times is that I meet a lot of people in their 40's, 50's, 60's, who still say they're a victim of child abuse. I say, no you're not. You're an adult. If you still think you're a victim after all that time, you'll always be a victim of circumstance." This is coming from a guy who was the victim of one of the worst abuse cases. They are strong words that really make you think. If you feel this way then it's time to stop being a victim.

One of my main goals for my brothers and I was to never use our abuse as an excuse. I'm not saying that I don’t have those times I get down and question what things would be like if I never went through child abuse or foster care. It's how you act on those thoughts and what you do with them. You see, I always felt that my abuse and trails through foster care may in some ways make it harder for me, but in other ways help me succeed. When I aged out of foster care I got straight to work getting my life together. You have to set goals and not settle.

I do understand that not being a victim can be hard. It is the easy way out. I've seen the foster care statistics (or click here to look at the statistics) and I know that the odds are stacked against foster kids and abuse victims. It would be really easy to leave it at that and say that the situation makes it almost impossible to succeed and unfortunately many do. This is falling victim to yourself. Im not saying that therapy is a bad thing but many people go for years and years only reliving there past. There comes a time that you just have to realize and accept what happened and decide where you want your life to go. If your 30 years old and still reliving what happened to you when you were a child, then how many years have you wasted still being a victim of what happened so long ago? How many years have you not really lived?

If this hit home then start taking steps to stop being a victim. I think we spend a lot of time trying to over analyze the situation and figure things out. Most of the time it’s something that can’t really be figured out or understood. Take a few steps to stop becoming a victim:

Stay positive and maintain positive thoughts. Look for things to be thankful for. What have you gained even characteristically from your situation.
Remove negative aspects of your life. This sometime means staying away from certain people that are negative or cause you to be negative.
Set realistic goals and put forth the effort and work to achieve them
Stop dwelling on the past and don't allow yourself to be labeled or placed in a statistic.That is only limiting yourself.
Accept what you've gone through, put it prospective and live!

It’s not getting over it; it’s accepting it, putting it into perspective and living your life to the fullest.

Foster Care And Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 06:02:00 +0000

Christmas time for foster kids is most often an uncomfortable time. Ever since that first Christmas in foster care I knew that every Christmas there on out would always make me feel uncomfortable. Its not only the fact that the traditional family situation isn't there or even wondering who I'm going to hear from on the holidays. Something that really bothered me not only in foster care, but still now, is receiving presents.

Many people find this the best part of Christmas. To some this may be the only part they look forward to. This happens to be THE MOST awkward part of the holiday season for me. I find it uncomfortable for 1 of 2 reasons or sometimes both. The first is my social anxiety. For me it’s nerve racking opening something in front of people when you don’t know what it is. Whatever it is, everyone is going to see your reaction. Maybe it’s not the reaction they are looking for or it’s something that’s in someway embarrassing. The second is it’s awkward being given something by someone, especially when they don’t know you that well. I don’t understand how some people can be so generous while others that you would expect to do great things for you didn’t.

There’s a lot on the mind of a foster kid in care during Christmas. They aren’t with their real family. Some younger kids worry about Santa finding them and if they are getting presents, or even how to receive presents. Some kids have never had a normal Christmas before or been taught about what Christmas really means.

After foster care can be just as hard if not harder during Christmas. I remember my first Christmas after aging out I spent alone. I did have a friend come over for a few hours which really helped but after they left it was just me. The house wasn’t decorated because I didn’t have extra money and wasn’t really in the festive mood. When I did go to Christmas with someone it was always awkward. Even with a significant other you can still feel out of place. It takes time getting used to any family and their traditions.They don't understand what you've been through or how you feel about certain things. Then the receiving gifts from people you may not know very well.

Christmas can be a tough time for those before, during or after foster care. It can also be a tough time for foster and adoptive parents. Take a little extra time to let those around you know that you care. If you’re a foster kid in a good home make sure to thank your foster parents for their great work because its not easy. It’s not easy being an adoptive parent, but I know many that have taken in kids to be like their own. If you’re a parent make sure to give your kids an extra hug and let them know what Christmas really means. You could be the best Christmas present they receive.

Clothing In Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:22:00 +0000

If you haven't noticed, but could probably imagine, being in foster care means your probably not dressed in the named brand "popular" clothing. Not that there's anything wrong with clothes that aren't name brand but my point is there's not much of a selection in clothing being a foster kid. That and you know how kids are in school. Not dressing like most of the kids and being in foster care on top of it makes you feel uncomfortable at times.

Growing up my family was never really materialistic. My mom loved to shop (now that I'm older I realize that's true of a lot of women), but we didn't have to have top of the line. We had what we could afford and maybe a little more but we weren't trying to keep up with the Jones' and perfectly content. After my mom passed away and my step mom came into the picture that kind of thinking really changed around my household. Nice things were built up and we became a very materialistic family. Eventually not wearing popular clothing was being used as punishment. I was told that I was going to be mad fun of and I was. They would pick out the stuff that they knew would get the kids making fun of me at school.

When placed into foster care I was still in this frame of mind. We didn't bring much into foster care with us just mostly the clothes on our backs. My parents did bring a suitcase with some clothing for me and my brothers a little later. We need to have some extra clothing and our emergency placement was given a voucher to get us some things to start us off in foster care. As you can imagine that stuff got wore out quick and I needed to get new clothes. So how do you get clothing in foster care?

There are 2 main ways to get clothes in foster care when you don't have a job or too young to work. Donations and clothing vouchers. It varies from state to state on how their clothing voucher system works. Basically that state gives foster parents a clothing voucher worth x amount that can only be used a certain stores. The amount depends on the state and often how the child is. I've heard of foster families getting from $150 to $750 a year for clothing. Sometimes the vouchers are issued and in other places foster parents are allowed to bring in receipts. I personally remember getting around $350 to $450 allocated to clothing a year.

Now to begin with $450 is not a whole lot of money when you're talking about dressing a 15 year old boy for a year. If you think about everything needed; underwear, socks, shoes, pants, shirts, coats etc. The price tag really adds up. This can even be more troubling when you're going through a growth spurt. Many times you have to spend the vouchers all at one time and places like Wal-Mart, K-mart, and target. Often times its not enough and donations are needed.

I was lucky and my foster parents were able to turn in receipts making shopping a little more flexible. They also took the time to help me shop smart. We didn't have to spend it all at one time and make sure we got everything. I also was allowed to shop at J.C. Penny and get more quality clothes. I learned to shop pretty thrifty and stretch a dollar. I was able to get just as much if not maybe more really shopping the sale racks. I found that the clothes I got there also lasted longer if you make sure to take care of them.

Even though it was tough I learned many lessons. First its not about name brands but quality. I also found that by searching you can get the quality clothing for just as much and sometime less. I learned how to shop smart which carried over to other areas of my life as far as budgeting and managing my money. What have your experiences been with clothing in foster care?

Social Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 04:51:00 +0000

I often find myself avoiding social situations. I don’t like crowded places and I don’t like going to places that I’m not familiar with. I know why I do it but I don’t know why I do it. I’m afraid of those awkward situations, making a mistake and being embarrassed. I know the things I’m thinking are exaggerated but at the same time I’m unable to overcome it. I started to get hot, start sweating, and my heart starts beating faster. Even before I get where I’m going I start to feel it and I’ve been worrying about it. I with about an estimated 19 million other Americans have social anxiety disorder.

Looking back I had always felt anxiety in social situations but contributed it to being a teenager. It started with just worrying a lot about what my classmates thought of me. It started affecting my life in small ways. I had a public speaking class in middle school that I failed because I refused to get in front of the class. During high school I felt anxiety in a lot of social situations but felt like that had more to do with my situation. When I was with my parents I was living this lie that everything in my life was great. I was embarrassed for people to know what was happening. When I was in foster care I felt like the anxiety was due to me being in foster care. That stigma of being a foster child, I felt, was somewhat embarrassing at time. I didn’t really think into it too much until I was an adult when I had to get out and do more and it was really noticeable.

Social anxiety affects my adult life in many ways. It affects how I go about my routine, my job, or simply just going into public. I have anxiety about eating in front of others, being the center of attention, or making a mistake in public. I don’t go out as much unless I’m really familiar with the place and the people there. It is tough to deal with but facing it head on is the only way to make things better.

Social anxiety is treatable. It is the most common anxiety disorder in the U.S. To diagnose if social anxiety symptoms are occurring the doctor will ask several questions and give a physical exam. Often times you are referred to a psychiatrist or psychologist. Many believe the most effective therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches people to react differently to the situations that trigger their anxiety symptoms. Often time just pushing yourself to do it and get it over with is the best cure for me. Getting it out of the way makes me less anxious about it the next time. I also take medication to help with my anxiety. The combination has taken a little bit of time to get down but gradually things can improve.

What are some techniques that have worked for you to overcome anxiety or even times of stage fright?

Famous Fostered Characters

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 15:36:00 +0000

I've gotten a lot of feed back from my post about famous former fosters. It's nice to know your not alone out there and people have gone through similar things and have made it through. Some kids don't know those people are though. I thought it would be nice to find a few characters that have been fostered that might be more familiar to children.

Orphan Annie character inspired from a 1885 poem "Little Orpahan Annie" and debuted in 1924 in the new york daily news as a comic strip. It was very successful and has been made into films, plays and on radio. Annie is an 11 year old orphan. Shes known for her curly red hair and red dress. Many know the story from the movies that have been remade the original. Annie is in a orphanage ran by a cruel woman and eventually gets adopted by a very wealthy man gives her a new life.

Dorthy is from the book "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz". She is fostered by her "aunt" and "uncle" in Kansas. Its not really known if they were blood related or that they were more foster parents and it doesn't say much about her parents. Though there are many stories in the OZ series, she's mainly known for getting swept away by a tornado to the land of oz. She then meets some crazy characters on her quest to find her way home.

Tom Sawyer is a character from the book "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" written in 1876 and also in 3 other books. Tom was fostered by his aunt. He also lived with his half brother and cousin. The book doesn't say much about his parents. After he and a friend witness a murder of a young doctor they run away and swear not to tell. Tom then goes on wild adventures from becoming a pirate to getting lost in a cave with the horrible Injun Joe.

Superman first appeared in a comic in 1938. His story has been made into several books, movies and many other forms. Superman was born on another planet and sent to earth as an infant before the planet was destroyed. He was found by a farming couple and fostered by them as he grew up. He was given the name Clark Kent.

When Harry Potter was a baby his parents were killed by the evil wizard Voldermort. Harry somehow escapes and is fostered by his relatives. They never told him the true story of what happened to his parents or about who he truly is. His relatives are not the nicest people in the world and for the most part he is locked away. That is until he gets a letter about going to a school for wizards.

Adoption And Foster Care Report

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 03:17:00 +0000

   Recently the preliminary 2011 estimates as of July 2012 were released and has some pretty interesting information. The overall amount of children in foster care has actually decreased for the 6th straight year. The number of U.S. children in care has dropped around 120,000 over the past 10 years. Department of Health and Human Services statistics show there were 400,540 children in foster care as of Sept. 30 and that's down from 406,412 a year earlier. This decrease in the amount of kids in foster care is not true for every state and some states have actually seen an increase in kids entering.
   Many states have been using different ways to combat the problem of so many kids in care. More kids are being placed in kinship care (care of a family member), trying to speed up the process of getting children placed in care back home ( I think this can be both good and bad) and investing more in programs for parents to improve themselves so children can be safe at home. The spokeswoman for the Department of Children and Families was quoted as saying "We don't want kids in foster care for any reason for too long," and "If they can go back home safely we want to get them home quickly and if not, we want to get them adopted".
   There is still a large number of kids that are aging out of the system that have no ties with there parents. Out of the 245,260 children who left the system, 26,286 of them aged out. Some say this shows the rush to the termination of parental rights that states did in the past. In 2007, parent terminations were 82,020 compared to 61,361 in 2011.

Some other quick facts from the preliminary 2011 estimates

45% of kids were in non relative foster care homes and 27% living with a relative
52% were male 48% female
The average time in care was 23.9 months with 21% staying 1 to 5 months
Average age at entry was 7.7 years with 16% younger than age 1
54% of kids were adopted by a foster parent
68% of the kids were adopted by a married couple and 27% were single females adopting

You can take a look at the report yourself by clicking here

Living With And Treating PTSD

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:04:00 +0000

Living with and treating PTSD can be a hard process. If you have been through a traumatic event and start to see some of the symptoms of PTSD go see a doctor to get checked out. Different people show different symptoms. Not everyone who has gone through a traumatic event develops the condition and may very well be another condition that you have. Often time's people with PTSD turn to self medicating with drugs or alcohol which only make the symptoms worse and treatment for the disorder hindered. I had been diagnosed with it as a teenager but nobody ever really told me what is was, and after leaving foster care I didn't really go to the doctor much anymore. I felt like it was a waste of time and after I aged out and lost my healthcare then I didn't have the money to go anyway.

Living through PTSD can be an overwhelming, frightening, causing you to isolate yourself and will also start effecting other areas of your life such as work or school. You can get that blah feeling and there are triggers that set you off. You become quick tempered and after a while you lose that hope that you can't recover and things won't change. I felt somewhat embarrassed at what I was feeling because I felt that I should be strong enough to deal with it. I didn't want to share what was going on with others.

There's sort of a stigma that comes along with PTSD and people don't really understand the disorder. You get those that have no clue what your talking about or have only heard about it when talking about war vets; you might get that person that has a stereotype in mind...think that you have a mental illness or might become violent. People treating me different or who are stand offish only makes the situation more stressful for me, so I felt best to keep it to myself especially at work. I wouldn't want someone to think that I can't handle a task do to me dealing with PTSD.

I found it best to first learn about the disorder. I learned about the symptoms and just every bit of information I could find to help myself understand what I'm going through. It's hard to ask for help. With PTSD your stress response isn't stopping. It's like a motor that runs too long and gets burned out. I found people I trust and have set up a relationship with them where I can just come and vent, taking a weight off my shoulders. A combination of medication and talk therapy really help. You have to find a counselor or therapist that really fits you and that you feel comfortable sharing what's going on with you. It may take meeting a few different ones before finding the one for you.

There are several different treatments for PTSD. I will run over 2 types and the different types within those. People often have to go through several stages or different treatments before what finding what works for them. Maybe it takes more that one at a time. The 2 types of treatment I will cover are traditional therapy, alternative therapy and self empowered therapy.

Traditional Therapy

Talk and/or Group Therapy- You can talk about what you have gone through and discuss ways of coping.
Exposure Therapy- This goes on the principle that things are more annoying than dangerous. Patients are asked to confront what makes them afraid in a safe way.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy- This is the idea that if you change how you think than you can change how you feel leading to changes in your behavior.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or (EMDR)- With this you don't describe the event in detail. A patient thinks about bad thoughts or images related to the event. With these thoughts and images on their mind, patients then are asked to also pay attention to an outside stimulus, such as eye movements or finger tapping guided by the therapist.

The "Alternative" Therapy Options

Hypnosis- This works to change perceptions on a more subconscious level.
Nero-Linguistic Programming- When we think of an event we feel an emotion. The therapist will help remodel your thoughts and associations in order to fix preconceived notions. These preconceived notions may be keeping you from achieving your success.
Energy Processing Therapy- There are many types of therapy that would fall under this category, but they work with the energy median pathways in your body (used in acupuncture as well) which can become imbalanced from the impact of a traumatic event. The thought is re-balancing the system as you think of the event then your emotions and behaviors change as well.

It takes time to find the right therapy that fits what you need. Don't give up if you try something and it doesn't work, just try something else. Are there any types of therapy or ideas that you have found to help you?

What Is PTSD ?

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:56:00 +0000

Many affects can come from abuse and being around traumatic events. Sometimes these traumatic experiences lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD in foster children is a common thing. I think most people associate this disorder with just returning war veterans. I was reading some articles on the internet the other day and did you know according to a Harvard Medical School study in 2005 foster children are almost twice as likely as U.S. war veterans to develop PTSD? A lot of people have heard the term, but do they really know what it means?

PTSD can only be by diagnosed by a qualified health professional but patients usually have 3 things in common and the symptoms must cause distress or impair functioning in the individual.

The person has experienced or witnessed, an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of oneself or others.
The person’s reaction involved intense fear, helplessness, or terror.
And they would also display 1 or more of the following symptoms for more than 30 days:

Re-experiencing the event through trauma nightmares or flashbacks, or distress over events that remind them of the trauma.
Avoidance of reminders or lack or responsiveness.
Insomnia, irritability, startle reaction, lack of concentration and regression in behavior

Not every child that goes through a traumatic experience develops this disorder, its also unknown why some do and some don't. Untreated this can be lifelong, but with proper treatment can be under control sometimes in a couple months Personally I've suffered form PTSD for several years. Through medication I've learned to lessen the effects which I'll cover later. There is definitely more of a need in the foster care system to help with this disorder like those with disorders for kids to act out behaviorally.

What It's Like Going Into Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 05:39:00 +0000

Ever wonder?

Hopefully I can give you some insight about what it is like going into foster care and the sort of mindset going in. As you can imagine going into foster care I had no idea what to think or how the system worked. In the past I had heard horror stories of what happens to kids in foster care and group homes. I was even told of a close relative at the time that took on foster kids just for the money. They said she would take on the harder kids to deal with because they paid more money. She didn't care for the kids I was told and didn't treat them very well.

When we were take out of care I only thought we would be in foster care a short amount of time. We did have relatives that would be able to help us so I thought going into foster care was just going to be part of the process. I felt like this would be sort of an investigating stage to gather evidence to justify why we were taken from the home. I really felt uninformed about what was going to happen and just kind of went along with things. The first place that we were going was what they cal an emergency placement. This is just a temporary placement until going to more a foster home. As we were waiting at the DFS office to go stay with this new family I prepared myself mentally for what ever was about to take place. I expected the worst but hoped for the best. Between everything we had been through, going to stay with people that we didn't know, and having no control over the situation I was really on edge.

As we were picked up and taken to our temporary home I would describe myself as hyper vigilant. I noticed we were going a little bit out in the country which did worry me a bit. My parents were well known in a smaller community and how do I know that she didn't know them in some way. My dad's old occupation put him in a position to meet a lot of different people. As we got settled in and met the family that we were going to be staying with I did calm down a bit. They didn't have any older children at home so I took off some edge that I didn't have that to deal with. I'm no the best socially so it really took the edge off in that area. I was and maybe still am a bit weary of male authority figures but I figured out that he meant on good. I didn't want to burden them so I tried to stay out of the way. They did a good job of incorporating us into the family and they way they live. It was nice to know how things around the house were going to be a head of time. It took me a few days to let my guard down.

Going into foster care we just had the clothes on our backs. Out parents later brought in some of our clothes from the house. I remember not having a few things or not enough of some to last. I don't know if it was on purpose that they did that or not but I didn't expect much from them. I remember I went without a belt for awhile and had to hold up my pants or fold the waist over. I didn't have anything to shave so my 15 year old face was patchy for awhile. Finally our new caregiver was able to take us and get us some of the things that we needed. Even then it was hard to ask or tell her. I still didn't want to be needy.

Once we got settled in it was time to go. Another new place with new people. Another scary transition and not knowing the road ahead.

A Look At Child Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:23:00 +0000

Child abuse exists all across the world. It affects all ethnic racial and economic groups. Depending on where your live, cultural ways, or religious beliefs abuse may mean something different to different people. Abuse doesn't have to be action. It can be the lack of action as well. Some people may think that it's only abuse if it's something violent which isn't the case. People may think that abuse only comes from "bad" people but sometimes it may be a lack of knowledge of parenting. While not the only reason child abuse is one of the main causes children go into foster care. There are four main types of abuse: emotional, physical, neglect, and sexual.

Emotional/ Psychological Abuse- Can be extreme words or punishment leading to emotional damage. It's often difficult to detect because it doesn't leave physical marks, but the damage is just as real. This type of abuse can include things like rejecting the child, isolating them or verbally assaulting them.

Physical Abuse- This involves physical harm or injury. Not all physical abuse may be intentional. An example of this would be over punishment and can include physical punishment that is not right for the child’s age or physical condition. Many parents claim they didn't know what they were doing was wrong and it's determined on a case by case basis. Some forms of punishment such as spanking is controversial.

Neglect- This abuse can be in the form of physical, emotional, or even educational. This can range from not getting your child into school at the proper time and making sure they attend school to providing basic needs to the child. This can often be the most lethal abuse when children aren't well fed or medically taken care for.

Sexual Abuse- If this type of abuse take place by someone close in relationship it is called sexual abuse whereas if by a stranger is considered sexual assault. These types of abuse my go the most unreported due to secrecy. This abuse can range from touching to prostitution and soliciting.

Many people believe abuse doesn't happen in good families. There have been many cases where abuse has gone on for years and no one from the outside know. I personally went through abuse for years and was made to believe that it was normal or acceptable. If you do know of a case of abuse make sure to contact the National U.S./Canada Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

What It's Like To Be A Foster Child

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 05:23:00 +0000

A couple months ago I was contacted by the author of Attempting Agape to do a guest blog on what it was like for me as a foster kid. She wanted to know what I felt foster parents and the system did both poorly and well and what I would like foster parents to understand. Thought I would share my guest post on what it's like for me being a foster child.

As a former foster child I can remember that day when we we’re taken out of our house and the foster care worker telling my brother’s and I we wouldn’t be going back home that day. The first thought in my mind was where we would be going. I was 15 at the time and had heard horror stories about living in a foster home. I was worried.

That day we were taken to our first home was really awkward. No matter how much someone opens their home to you the awkwardness is still there. It’s coming into another person’s space. We were going to a new home where we didn’t know how they lived or how they did things. Even though all this crazy stuff was going on our temporary foster mom tried to keep things calm and try to keep things as “normal” as possible. My brothers were younger so they had a lot of questions which she was really patient with them and answered the best she could. I also like how they made us feel part of the family. They had other kids which seemed fine with us staying there and seemed to enjoy our company, but I always wondered what they thought of us taking some of their attention. I was scared but I tried not to be “needy”. Even though I was a kid they never met before she still treated my age and with trust. My own parents wouldn’t give me respect, but they gave me a chance. They made sure to let us know that what was going on wasn’t our fault and they were going to make sure that we would stay ok through whatever process we had to go to. They kept me informed with was going with our situation the best they could which helped The time came when we had to move to a new home. They kept their promise and made sure we made it safely. They even checked in on us every now in again with a letter or phone call and I received a congrats letter for my graduation. I will always remember them for how they treated us; I wish we didn’t have to be moved in such a short time.

I really felt uninformed about the whole process from DFS. I thought we would be put with family and just foster care for a short amount of time. It always seemed that it was a possibility we would go with family, but that day moved further and further and never came. Our next home was a group home called Coyote Hill Christian Children’s Home. They had the facilities to take on many children but keep things still in family setting by having different houses with home parents. These foster parents were always being trained and were awesome to live with during such a rough time. Even those times we acted out they never took it personal and always let us know they cared. The big thing was they always let us know how many people care about us. They also did a good job of teach us to do things on our own. We learned to do our own laundry and were assigned chores to give us some responsibility. They did also correct us when we need it. They were always their for us when we needed to talk, but also taught us that just because your in foster care it isn’t the end of the world. They reminded us we were in control of our future and always supportive. God has a plan for us all, we just have to meet him half way.

As a foster parent please don’t take everything personal. Sometimes things are just so confusing and it’s hard to know how to let it out. Most foster kids just want to me in a “normal” family life and are cared for. Try to make sure you keep kids in the loop. I always hated feeling like something was going on in my case and I weren’t being told. I understand not everything can be shared but being left in the dark is scary. Do make sure and let us know what there is to look forward to. Being in foster care doesn’t sentence you to anything. You may not have had control of how the story started but you can write the ending.

Are Foster Children Over Medicated?

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:42:00 +0000

This past month our so I've noticed a lot of articles about foster children being over medicated. After doing a little internet searching on the subject of foster care over medication I found that really there are two sides to the story. At the same time this report comes out there are others that say medication in foster care has cut back. It seems to vary by state or even who you talk to. Some foster kids that have aged out feel they were victimized again by being put on the medication. With all these reports saying different things it really seems like there is no real cut answer to the question of over medication.

I really don't think that you can look at the foster care system as a whole and say that foster children are over medicated. I think it has to be looked at more by a case by case basis. Many foster children need medication ,but the opinion of what or how much may vary person to person. Also some people don't feel that some medications are needed where others do. This is true even among doctors. This happened to me recently when I went to my primary doctor that I was starting with. After my visit he decided to change the prescription from my other doctor and stop one of my medications. He felt that it wasn't really needed and so far so good. Would I say that I was being "over medicated"? No because as life goes on and your body reacts differently or builds up tolerance to certain things the medication you take changes.

When I was in high school I didn't like taking my medicine. Other people didn't need medicine on a daily basis so I didn't feel like I needed it. When I went out on my own I decided that I was going to be the judge on taking certain medication and eventually stopped taking them all together. It wasn't a good idea and after awhile of procrastination I went back to the doctor. I can relate with those that feel like the medicine they took wasn't needed and I know there are kids out there that are over medicated ,but for many foster kids medication is needed along with therapy to go through the healing process. It can also help them and others safely get through a rough time in their lives. Extreme factors in a child's life can effect them in severe ways.

Let's not forget why these kids are in foster care and being medicated in the first place. Too many kids are abused and put into situations that medicine is needed for the healing process.

Looking back then into the new year

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:30:00 +0000

New years is a time to celebrate, reflect on the past year, and look towards the future at how we're going to better ourselves. Just looking back on this website it's been up for a little over six months and a little more than 8,600 page views. At the start of this site I didn't know where I was going with it. I'm not really for sure still and just playing it by ear. Right now I look to share my story and the stories of others in foster care. I think it's important to let others know they aren't alone and to give foster/adopted parents insight into the mind of a foster child.

Over this year I look to expand the site. I would like this site to be a resource used by both foster kids and parents involved in the foster care system to help them through different situation. Foster kids sometime don't know what to face as much as the parents do. I also hope to start doing some videos on YouTube about independent living and other topics that I've encountered in foster care and aging out and how I got through them. There where a lot of decisions that I had to make, programs I didn't know about and normal life stuff that I wasn't expecting, Hopefully I can give a heads up on things to come as you make your journey.

With the New Year gives us a new start. If your not involved in foster care they're several ways to get involved beyond being a foster parent. As current or former fosters we can not dwell on the past but only look to better our future. This year I'm personally going to work on being more positive and not letting things of today bring me back to my past. The power of the mind is strong and so is positive thinking! I want to thank everyone for their support and feedback and look forward to moving into the New Year!

My Christmas In Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 03:16:00 +0000

Even before I was in foster care Christmas had been a rough time. Ever since my mom passed it had never really felt the same. It's hard not to think about family during the holidays that are really based around family. Being in foster care can make Christmas an even more difficult time.

My first Christmas I was in foster care my brothers and I had already been in our foster home for around six months. We were getting settled in to a routine as far as how everyday life was going to be in foster care, but holidays especially starting out were really awkward. It's hard living in a family like setting, trying to do family things with people that aren't really your family. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ask my foster parents at the time to change anything; it was a feeling that couldn't be helped. I remember when we were told that we could make a Christmas list of things we wanted. I felt really uncomfortable asking for things from people I didn't know. Accepting donations was not something that I was really happy about doing. It did feel good though to see those presents Christmas day. It was cool that people I didn't even know donated or provided the funding for these really nice things to a foster kid they would never meet. Still opening those that presents was still awkward.

With everything going on in my life foster care, meeting with my parents, dealing with a loss; I had a lot of built up anger and negative energy. I asked for a punching bag for Christmas and did end up receiving a real heavy duty bag and gloves. I don't remember because of the countless times I beat the crap out of it when I was mad, but because I remember my foster mom trying it out with me. I still even have pictures with her and the gloves on.

Foster kids have a hard time letting people behind that wall. Christmas time is always tough for foster kids but those around can make it easier. Between foster parents, peoples support, and donations Christmas doesn't have to be a day to hurry up and get over with. Thanks everyone for your support, God bless and Merry Christmas!

Helping Foster Kids And Families In Need

noreply@blogger.com (Imafoster) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 05:59:00 +0000

As your out getting your holiday gifts don't forget that there's those out there's people out there that don't always get to experience a "normal" Christmas. People taking care of foster kids don't always have the resources to spend money on buying gifts and some homes rely on donations entirely. For those aging out of foster care Christmas can mean very little especially if you don't have family support. There are simple way and easy ways to help foster kids and families in need.

At my foster home they relied on donations for Christmas. They did a really good job getting the word out and we were really lucky to have people give in anyway they could. It always amazed me that we would get some of the nicer stuff that we never thought we would never get. It's hard to imagine that somebody was willing to give to someone that they will never meet. Getting presents each year knowing that made them mean that much more. Even when I aged out my foster home still helped my out with Christmas. It was a necessity but at the time that I couldn't afford. I was so amazed and so grateful when that year they helped my get new tires for my car. It made it possible for me to get make and forth from school in the winter. Sometimes, especially for former foster kids, gifts aren't always a want ,but sometimes they're a need.

How can you help grant a wish?

About a month ago a came across a great site called One Simple Wish. Their website gives both families in need or foster kids an opportunity to make a wish. A person can then view a list of wishes made choose one and either pay for it online or send payment by check. It's a real quick and easy process to help those that really need it. Once payment is received the wish is then fulfilled. Wishes I seen ranged from $10 to $400 making it really easy to fit a wish or two into your holiday gift giving budget. Not all wishes are just toys for kids but also wishes to help with family get a much needed appliance or a former foster kid needing help getting started with their insurance. Check it out at http://www.onesimplewish.org.