The context, though, was him explaining why he hadn’t done all the amnesty pandering he had promised Latinos, so his answer was basically, “I’ve got plenty of time; I’ll get to it later. Why, is this like important to you people?” Hope Latinos weren’t expecting affordable gas either, because that’s another one Obama is totally going to get to in a few more years or so.

* Hamid Karzai has demanded a trial of whoever it is that burned some Korans. Twelve people have been killed in the idiotic riots from the results of this nothing, but let’s totally worry about a couple books. Why did Obama apologize for this? The apology should have been, “I’m sorry your country has so many barbaric, morally twisted individuals who would riot and murder random people over some paper being burned. It feels me with a deep sadness and a desire to just start slapping people in the Middle East and just never ever stop.” Are we ever going to start treating Muslims in the Middle East like fellow human beings and thus have expectations that they act like human beings, or are we going to stick with considering them wild dogs who we have to be careful not to irk because they’re just mindless and violent?

And maybe the Muslims there should consider finding a much more powerful god who isn’t threatened by a little fire.

* Obama is mocking Republicans over the high gas price issue. Yeah, that makes sense.

“Ha. Look at those Republicans all licking their chops ready to make my huge incompetence and complete uselessness an election issue. They’re probably also going to make a big deal out of how I blocked the Keystone pipeline that would have helped with gas prices and created jobs; how silly of them. And I guess next their going to point out how I’m wetting my pants right now; what goofy goof Republicans. Ha. I am laughing.”

But don’t worry, Obama has a comprehensive plan to bring down gas prices. And it will succeed because Obama has a long history of comprehensive plans that totally work and do useful things. And he’s also sent us each our own unicorn. They’re invisible; that’s how you know they’re authentic unicorns.

* Wisdom of the Day from Loren Heal:

Shorter Obama: GOP acts like oil is just waiting underground.

* Paleontologists are using 3D printers to make small robot dinosaurs. While this doesn’t necessarily help make dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them, it certainly doesn’t hurt the cause.

So what would a Paleontologist use small robot dinosaurs for? What a silly question.

If I shake hands with Marco Rubio, can I get Mormon on me?

Muslims in the Middle East seem to get a lot more upset when we burn books than when we burn Muslims.

Drug Dealer: “This here is quality blow, not Charles M. blow.”

My book is still the number one political humor Kindle ebook. Apparently not a lot of competition there.

Saw a library list my book as one of the ebooks they’ve recently added. For some reason, that tickles me.

Amazon already lists my next book and I haven’t even turned in the manuscript yet. Pressure!

If you think a book being burned is worth murdering people over, your religious views are crap.

Is the new female M&M from the M&M ads supposed to be a hipster? I get a hipster vibe from her.

Buttercup almost drew on my Bible. She was so close to causing me to riot and murder.

If only the right to privacy extended to our incomes.

So are you allowed to highlight passages in a Koran as you do a Bible, or does that cause more riots and murder?

There is no point in engaging interent trolls. Even if he’s a columnist for a major newspaper.

As a child, Obama was taught in a madrasah to hate America, but he was a very dumb student so it didn’t take.

So I think Santorum is on the way down. And I don’t think Gingrich has an extra life left. So… Romney. At least he’s our weasel… sort of. Well, Arizona and Michigan vote on Feb. 28 and Super Tuesday isn’t long after that, and hopefully this mess will be over by then and we can focus on the nitwit we want out.

* So the UK raised taxes on the rich, and now they are… getting even less revenue. This is the sort of thing you should figure out playing Sim City before you get into actual government. If in that game you tried to get more revenue by constantly raising taxes, it doesn’t work because people leave. It’s a simple point, but liberals seems physically unable to grasp it as they are just determined to punish the rich despite having no actual reason or logic behind it.

* 51% of Californians say they’re ready to reelect Obama. Considering how horrible the state has been run and yet Californians keep reelecting the same idiots, at what point do you stop considering that enthusiastic Democrat support and instead characterize it as a suicide attempt?

This is an interesting strategy the Democrats have where they fail a state into solid Democrat control. They just make things so horrible that all the sane Republicans leave. Not really sure what the counter strategy is to that. I just hope Idaho eventually passes a law that Democrats aren’t allowed to immigrate here because we don’t want that happening to our state. Won’t someone think of the potatoes!

* So Google is working on glasses that we’ll wear and information will pop up on while we’re walking. So basically they’re trying to kill us all by making us wander into traffic or something. Maybe I’m just being a Luddite, though; maybe a data overlay can be helpful without being a deadly distraction. Still, when these come out, I’m going to stay off the streets for a while. I mean, that was the whole point of the internet in the first place — that we don’t need to leave our houses.

* If you were worried that males were going to go extinct, scientists say you can stop your worry. Since the y-chromosome doesn’t recombine and just gets passed as is from male to male, scientists were afraid that in about 5 millions years it would be reduced to nothing. And then there wouldn’t be men… which might seem like a problem for the human race. Like, who would kill spiders then? But scientist now think the y chromosome has about stopped degrading, so males will be around for a long time — they’ll just be much sissier as modern trends indicate.

The “Republicans want to control women’s bodies” fear is more irrational and outdated than Y2K fears.

I don’t respect the right of privacy to anyone who has their hand in my pocket.

If you want rights, be independent. Children don’t get all the rights adults do.

Was it really the last Republican debate last night? It’s going to be weird not having those every other day anymore.

Have you noticed how Ron Paul is eating from a can of beans when the camera isn’t on him?

Wow, the Republican candidates are all so awful. They need to put a cardboard cutout of Obama on stage to remind us why we care.

My one word description of myself would be “Frank”.

I will vote for whoever vows to create an Iron Man and unleash him on Iran.

The president of Iran is a feckful leader.

“I’m Ron Paul. I’ll stop our enemies by throwing gold bars at them.”

It’s a bit like when two people try to call a dog to them at the same time, except in this scenario they’re using firecrackers and other loud noises to scare the dog from going to the other side. It seems cruel — and under the barrage of negative ads, many undecideds do end up whimpering in a corner — but no one said democracy is pretty.

* The Drudge Report pulled up a speech Rick Santorum gave about Satan going after America, and it’s become a bit of a story. Apparently it’s not “hip” or “groovy” to talk about Satan as if he’s a real thing. DrewM had a good point on Twitter: Since Obama is all like Christian and stuff, shouldn’t a reporter ask him if he thinks Satan is real?

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” And now you get mocked for even bringing him up. That guy is pretty slick. But why worry about ancient silly things like Satan when we live in a modern world where we can force other people to buy it abortifacients?

* The Supreme Court is going to be looking into affirmative action again. Some people think we need it to get over racism, but we tried affirmative action on a national scale where we chose an unqualified minority for presidents over many more much more qualified people, and it hasn’t exactly been a boon in the area of race. When you look at someone’s skin color instead of his skills, it leads to high unemployment, high gas prices, and skyrocketing debt. Bad idea.

* The White House is pretty nervous about the whole Keystone pipeline thing since it was something that would both create jobs and alleviate gas prices, but they went against it because it would anger stupid environmentalists. Even the New York Times acknowledges that Obama only went against it for political reasons. But now the WH is pretending that the Republicans who were strongly pushing it were the ones that blocked it. I think that will be just a little too Orwellian for the public to swallow. If they’re making arguments that desperate, that’s a good sign to hit them harder.

And it’s not that Obama doesn’t care about jobs or gas prices — it’s just that they’re not that high on his list of concerns. For one thing, he can afford gas and has a job. And he’d like to keep that job. That’s his big concern.

* Wisdom of the Day from Stephen Green:

If there’s a candidate this year you feel really passionate about, consider professional help.

I’m working on a solution to our debt crisis through an Ocean’s Eleven type heist of the world’s gold. The plan probably won’t help the European economy much.

Back before there was a cure, wasn’t rabies basically the zombie rage virus? If a rabid animal bites you, you become one. Didn’t really threaten us with a zombie apocalypse, though.

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Kris:

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From Kris:

From Kris:

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From Kris:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Kris:

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From Ospurt:

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From Arik:

[reference link (Watch this video anyway. Starts getting epic about 1 minute in, so wait for it.)]

From Basil:

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From Basil:

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From Kris:

From Kris:

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From Ron Rockstar:

From Travelwise 42:

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From VelvetElvis:

Tough one this week, as I was personally flummoxed by Basil’s Chesterfield AND Kris’s Pope-Latin, Thunderbolt, and Stericulus (I actually recognized the names of the Butt sisters).

I think Basil has an edge in that he picked the one song in the universe that isn’t on YouTube, but Kris has numbers on his side.

I’d say they’re both winners.

As are we all for their participation.

What say you?

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

So he didn’t divide the deficit by two, but he did divide it by one. That’s halfway there.

* I was thinking: Isn’t good economic news bad for Obama at this point? Right now, it’s starting to look like the economy is doing better, but a lot of that is because people are so discouraged that they stopped looking for work thus taking themselves out of the unemployment statistics. That gives an artificially low unemployment rate, but if word gets out that the economy is doing better, those people may start looking for work again and suddenly unemployment will go up again because of more people in the workforce. So, best strategy for Obama may be to keep the economy hurting — which he’s much better at than helping it anyway.

* There’s a huge protest at U.S. base in Afghanistan over rumors that a Koran was burned. Things must be going great in that country such that they have no other problems to deal with other than rumors of a book being burned. No wonder things are so awesome in the Middle East!

* Apparently a teenaged girl was knocked up by Hitler. Expect this to enter the contraceptive debate. Of course, you may believe contraceptives will protect your daughter from having Hitler’s love child, but you probably should raise your daughter in a way where she wouldn’t sleep with Hitler in the first place.

* Dick Cheney is lobbying in Maryland for gay marriage. And did you know that the Koch brothers are also pro-gay marriage? So there you have it: The nexus of right-wing evil all in favor of gay marriage. So what’s the chance gay marriage is a right-wing trap that will lead to higher profits for oil companies and more baby seals being clubbed? 99.9%.

* Mexico put up a billboard at their U.S. border saying no more weapons — a jab at America. I’m just surprised the Mexican government functioned long to enough to erect a billboard.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan Cronin:

Sure, angels can fly, but don’t forget, they live in constant fear of scalpers who want to turn their hair into pasta.

* Here’s another article to file under “Why again are they called ‘progressives’?” It’s a fearful left-wing article about home schooling. Basically the conclusion is that everyone needs to stick to the current school system because that’s how we’ve been doing things and it shouldn’t be questioned and though it’s not great we need to subject our kids to it anyway and just hope eventually it will get better. It’s about as mindlessly dogmatic to an old system as you’ll ever see. As I’ve said, whatever the left accuses us of, that’s what they’re doing — even when they accuse us of being mindlessly conservative.

“We made three mistakes: We hung an innocent man, we didn’t finish the job, and we used ‘infer’ when we meant ‘imply’.”

So Dick Cheney and the Koch brothers – the nexus of right-wing evil – support gay marriage. Hurm.

If a large number of Americans were unable to name our current president, then that would mean we have the best president ever.

My big problem with speed-reading is that I just can’t move my lips that fast.

“You may have defeated the Third Reich, but we’ll live on as stock villains in Hollywood FOREVER!”

Supervillain Loophole: Commit a crime so dastardly it affects everyone on earth, there will be no unbiased jury to prosecute you. For instance, if you block out the sun for a week, there’s no way you could get a fair trial for that.

Don’t follow NBA, so I finally looked up Jeremy Lin. Like a pre-written Hollywood underdog story.

I guarantee the Hollywood version of the Jeremy Lin story will have at least one kung fu fight. Can’t have an Asian star and no kung fu fight.

In that scene near the end of the Firefly pilot, I’m pretty sure Mal Reynolds shoots first but maybe I’m just seeing it wrong.

How dare Chris Christie. Did he learn nothing from the long hard fight to allow fat-person marriage?

“Bear” misspelled one way is aspirin while misspelled another way is paint. That’s dangerous because you don’t want to drink paint when you have a headache.

“I love Michael Bay movies!” -the next Hitler

Liberals are really afraid of the religious imposing their views on the American public because that’s their job.

The best way a man can help feminism is to have sex with lots of women because otherwise those contraceptives are rather pointless.

My dog isn’t religious. She a secular dogist.

Genius baby? Buttercup has advanced language skills for her age. On the other hand, she just threw a blanket on her head and ran into a wall.

Batman is always going after the root causes of crime: criminals’ faces. He solves them with his fist.

Anyone who willingly elects a Kennedy shouldn’t show his face among fellow Americans. The whole point of a democracy is that we wouldn’t be forced to be ruled by a line of incompetent nitwits like in a monarchy, but for some reason some people willingly subjugate themselves to this. That’s un-American. When Big Fat Teddy K was chucked in the sea after the Navy SEALs broke into his compound and took him out, that should have been the end of that.

* Decrepit old white man questions Marco Rubio’s authenticity as a Latino. Here’s that patronizing racism I was talking about that’s so prevalent these days and not enough people are speaking out against it. You have Harry Reid, old racist loser, thinking he can characterize other people based on their skin color since supposedly he’s the caring liberal and that’s his privilege. People should be yelling him, “Why don’t you and your racist friends get out of our face before we break your hip, grandpa!” But some people cheer this on. And that’s why racism is still a problem.

* Canada is ending gun registration. Apparently it cost billions of dollars and never once helped catch a criminal — useless and expensive, the perfect left-wing program.

Views on guns have moved in one direction in America in the past fifty years — towards a stronger belief in freedom — and it’s nice to see that maybe that’s finally starting to move to other countries to. Too much of the world is backwards on this issue.

* According to Nancy Pelosi, actual rights like freedom of religion are less than made up rights like the right to have someone else paying for your contraception.

A lot of people think this whole thing is a distraction from the larger issue of the debt, economy, and jobs, but you have to remember there is no bigger issue in America than freedom of religion… at least there shouldn’t be. If we don’t have that, the rest is worthless. People didn’t come over on the Mayflower because they were escaping debt.

That’s probably how the first colony on Mars will be founded, though.

* Israel says the nuclear sanctions against Iran aren’t working. Are they getting ready to attack? Maybe. If I were them, I would totally bomb all the countries around me all the time. They all hate Israel so much already, it won’t make a noticeable difference in anyone’s attitude about them. That is one way we could get a much more modern, peaceful Middle East — have the whole area be conquered by and run by Israel.

* Wisdom of the Day from Ken Jennings:

“Bros before hoes.” –the dictionary

* Apparently there is 50 square miles of Idaho where I can commit felonies unpunished. Good to know. Hope there are things to burn there. My favorite felony is arson. What felony would you commit?

Who is this Asian guy who works for the Knicks that everyone is talking about? He mess up their accounting or something?

I thought a Theocrat was a member of the political party based around the son from The Cosby Show.

There shouldn’t be a bigger issue in this country than religious freedom.

* There’s this controversy where Dana Milbank said, “The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos.” And the White House’s campaign manager retweeted it. And then some people said that’s racist.

I don’t really care about the “chimichanga” part as being racist, but it’s the underlying sentiment that’s the harmful racism. Once again you have liberals who are very desperate to force people into groups based on race. To say the GOP has nothing to offer Latinos is to say that one race all has a single monolithic viewpoint. There are no individuals, only groups, and liberals will tell you what they should think.

The basic view of a liberal on race is that white people are bad and racist, but a caring white person — much like themselves — knows what’s good for minorities even more than they do. And the minorities who get into the Democrat’s leadership seem to adopt the same view; they’re the smart one who needs to carefully care for and herd the dummy minorities who can’t take care of themselves. This is the most prevalent and harmful for of racism we have today, and at some point some people need to take a stand against if we ever really want to get past racism.

But the Democrats don’t want to get past racism. It’s the glue holding their party together.

* So a guy from Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. It’s only interesting in how much some on the left are freaking out; they really don’t like apostasy in the entertainment industry.

Still, shouldn’t someone from a group called “Megadeth” endorse someone who is pro-abortion?

* Scientists have discovered a new chameleon that’s only as big as a match head. It makes me wonder: Why would you need to be both a chameleon and super small? Isn’t the super small all you need to keep predators from seeing you? Why does it also need to be able to camouflage? Why doesn’t it need to hide so much? What’s it up to?

Man, there could be one in my house right now and I wouldn’t even know it. WHAT’S IT WANT?!!!

* Wisdom of the Day from John Scalzi:

When you really think about it, “sweater” is really an unappealing name for an article of clothing.

* IN THE MAIL: I just received the book Glock: The Rise of America’s Gun. It’s all about the development and spike in popularity among police and civilians of that ugly, ugly extremely reliable gun (I myself own a Glock 17). Looks interesting; I’ll definitely give it a read.

Because of me, things are looking up because we only need to hold out until 2016 when I can be president. Then I’ll fix everything.

I wish a billionaire gave me millions in funds to be an ankle-biter

Which political party is giving out chimichangas?

The left have the idea that you can compare a person’s skin color to a color chart and tell them what political beliefs they should have. It’s that race-based, group thought that denies the individual that I find most offensive.

It shouldn’t be controversial to say that Democrats, in general, have a very patronizing racism about Latinos.

People still talking about Megadeth? I thought we were up to Teradeth by now.

This racist statement controversy has made me outraged that my wife hasn’t made chimichangas in a long while.

I’m smart enough to know to not even repeat what Jim Messina said the GOP has to offer black people.

**powering up** FLYING EXPLODING DRAGON PUNCH!!!

The only thing the GOP have to offer Italians is a spicy meatball.

The only thing the GOP has to offer the Irish is a bottle of whiskey… which is more than enough.

The only thing the GOP has to offer Germans is overly long words and repetitive techno music.

If I had to make a prediction, I’d say that this time next year we’ll not have a very good president.

Common Sense: Presidential candidates should be injected with sodium pentothal before debates.

It would keep people polite on the internet if every comment was accompanied by your full name, where you are, and what’s your greatest fear.

Is what happens in OWS camps “rape,” “rape rape,” or “rape rape rape”?

But let’s not blow it out of proportion. It’s not “rape rape rape rape.”

Actually, the quickest way to a small government now may be to just spend so much the government eventually collapses on itself and the whole country is thrown into chaos. And then we rebuild from the ashes.

Smart power!

* One of the reasons Obama cited as why people need the payroll tax cut is that gas prices are so high. That leads to his best argument of all: “People really need this tax cut because their president — me — is an incompetent idiot, so everyone is basically on their own.”

* Obama is going to end dozens of business tax breaks. Is this going to hurt the economy by putting more strain on businesses? No, as Timothy Geithner says, “We think they can handle it. We think they can afford it.” Oh, so the guy who can’t figure out how to use TurboTax is pretty sure about other companies’ financial situations. Why do such useless, inept people have such influence on our economy? Where did this system break down? I blame childhood obesity — primarily because fat kids are fun to yell at.

Fat kids! ::shakes fist::

* A school ordered a preschooler to buy the cafeteria lunch because they didn’t think the mother’s lunch was healthy enough. Now, you’d think that you’d be able to decided what your kid could eat, but that’s what they do in a free country which you have read about in science fiction. But in a nanny state, useless idiots make all your decisions for you. If you want to feed your own kid, then I guess you can just join a militia and live in a compound, you right-wing nut.

* New movie coming out – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Liberals don’t like first Republican president Lincoln because he took people away from guaranteed jobs, food, and shelter and gave them horrible horrible freedom instead. Instead of a war, couldn’t Lincoln just compromised and gave everybody free contraceptives?

For Valentine’s Day, I got my wife stuff. I guess I did okay.

For me, she paid to get me in the Bearmageddon comic. Because she loves me.

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

Three from me (Harvey):

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[First, let's just get the Soylent Green reference link out of the way]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Basil:

[reference link]

From DamnCat:

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From DamnCat:

From Hunter:

From Hunter:

From Hunter:

From James:

From Mxymaster:

[reference link]

Gotta be Basil for the “Jungle Goddess” reference. Wonder if anyone’s ever seen that movie except for MST3K fans?

Although I *do* wonder how many people remember the Michael Phelps race…

What say you?

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

“I could spend an obscene amount of money or a buttload of money. It’s like Sophie’s Choice times a million!”

Oh, here’s one of the choices: Out of a budget of $3.8 trillion, Obama decided to remove $20 million for the highly successful D.C. voucher program. Sorry poor kids; you have to stick to failing schools run by uncaring unions. But hey, Obama will make sure you get free contraception, and isn’t that all that poor people really need?

* There are further subsidies for wealthy buyers of electric cars, though. You know how liberals are always accusing Republicans of only caring for the rich at the expense of the poor? Whatever liberals accuse others of doing, that’s what they’re doing. Always.

* Justice Breyer was robbed by a machete-wielding intruder. In my utopia, Supreme Court justices would be threatened with machetes constantly. It would keep them from getting too arrogant.

* I don’t get the logic of the Greek riots.

“We can’t afford all these entitlements, so we’re going to cut them.”

“Then we’ll riot and burn businesses!”

“Well, since a bunch of businesses have been burned and our economy harmed, WE EXTRA CAN’T AFFORD ENTITLEMENTS!”

The rioters should just try a more relaxing camping out in front of banks like OWS. Doesn’t achieve anything, but it apparently makes them feel like they’re doing something while being a lot less intrusive.

* Samuel L. Jackson says he voted for Obama because he’s black. Well, the first step to ending racism is to fess up to it, so bravo. Still, I have to say, enough is enough! I have had it with these @#$% racists in this @#$% election!

* John Hawkins has a bunch of pictures from CPAC. I also found out that IMAO was mentioned at CPAC, for we were nominated for best humor blog… but totally didn’t win.

One of these days, I need to start attending CPAC and acting like an actual pundit or something. I do write in a newspaper and am a published author, so I’m like totally a big deal now. Maybe I could give a talk at the next one on being awesome. Hopefully they have a stage that will accommodate puppets.

* Wisdom of the Day from Andy Borehol:

time to update my bog [ writes 400-word opinion about lana del rey in the mud with a mudstick ]

* My state, Idaho, is not afraid of wild gorillas.

Obama: “Sorry, inner-city kids, you have to stay in your failing public schools. But, here, have a free morning after pill.”

In my utopia, Supreme Court justices would be threatened with machetes every day. Keeps ‘em frosty.

They accuse Republicans of being anti-science, but Obama’s budgets show Democrats to be anti-math.

Is there anyone who doesn’t like Big Bang Theory? I know people from every demographic who love it.

Are Canadian Geese called Canadian because they’re from Canada or because we hate them?

93 hours in, I think I’m bored of Skyrim. One day, I’ll finish the main story line on an Elder Scrolls game, but it won’t be this one.

* Obama is going to set up Truth Teams. I assume their purpose will be to hunt down and destroy any truths they can find as those could be quite destructive to Obama’s reelection chances. If people actually look at Obama’s performance and ability and the results he’s obtained, he has little chance or reelection. Thus his Truth Teams will eliminate truths when they find them and try and muddy things up so people might actually considered reelecting the miserable failure. Truth is another one of those things like freedom that gets in the way of truly important things like free contraception.

* Mitt Romney won the CPAC straw poll. Does that mean anything? Probably not, but it’s better than not winning.

It looks like the only hope left for a not-Romney is Santorum… either through him winning the primary or forcing a brokered convention. It’s not a huge chance of happening, but it’s not a remote one either.

Still don’t get how we dropped the ball on this primary, though, with all the conservative enthusiasm to take down Obama and finally do something about the debt. If we want to get things done, we’re always best working outside of politics. Nothing there but heartache and disappointment and sociopaths.

* Andrew Breitbart claims he has video of Obama in college. Yes, the mysterious college years of which we’ve still never seen the transcripts. So what’s the chance Obama was some complete screw up in college opposed to American values… because that would be totally different than what he is now.

* Apparently there’s an obesity problem in the military. It’s probably all that lazy sniping where you just lie on the ground hundreds of yards away from the enemy and shoot them. We just need more hand to hand combat. If our soldiers had to stop lying around and actually run those hundreds of yards to hack the enemy to pieces with katanas, then everyone would be in better shape. Plus katanas are awesome. The military should have those.

* This has to be the greatest indictment of liberalism yet: It makes you believe the Star Wars prequels are better than the original trilogy.

* New Crowder video — first in a while — with him rapping about the situation our country has found itself in:

There’s a lot we need to change in this country. I guess rapping would be the first step.

* Talking about changing the country, I’ve finished the first draft of my book on how to fix all the problems in America. I’m excited for you all to see it, but it will still probably be a while. Get pumped!

Han comes off worse in the special edition because Greedo seems so hapless when he misses by a mile at close range.

If you aren’t sure whether Kim Jong Un is dead, just shoot him again.

First draft of my new political humor book is done! Probably funniest book ever.

My big goal is still to get a novel published. I have a finished one SarahK is helping get ready for submitting. I’m also working on a new one. Despite full time job, blogging, columns, and political humor book writing, I write on it each day. Always keep moving forward.

I don’t know how medieval peasants survived without being able to deposit checks through their smartphones.

Democrats are banking on that people prefer free stuff to freedom.

I hate how physical books curve the page towards the inside seam making the edges hard to read. How did I ever deal with these things?

A lot of people are hoping that will be our cure-all, allowing us to finally pick the none of the above, but isn’t going to be the Republican establishment making the pick? What are the chances they’ll come up with the RINOiest ticket ever?

“Hey? Do you think Arlen Specter might want to still run as a Republican? What if we told him Chuck Hagel would be his running mate?”

Everyone is thinking we’ll get someone like Mitch Daniels, but I don’t know. Risky move. But the alternative is Romney, Gingrich, or Santorum. So there are no bad choices. Only awful ones.

* Whales at Sea World aren’t slaves. A judge ruled that. For reals.

I hope the judge dismissed the case by yelling, “Shut up, hippie!” and punching the plaintiff in the face.

* George Lucas is now claiming that Han Solo never shot first in Star Wars. It’s like he’s trying to do special editions of our memories now.

Man, I wish George Lucas would just hand over Star Wars to someone else now. Think of the awesome movie someone who actually knows what makes Star Wars great could make if George Lucas were out of the way. One day, someone will be able to make another great Star Wars movie. We may have to wait until George Lucas dies though. Hopefully he doesn’t come back as a Force ghost to continue giving his creative input.

BTW, if you go see The Phantom Menace in 3D, you are part of the problem and are my enemy.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Holmes:

Obviously, the main reason I was initally so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn’t tell which items were in the foreground.

* Still chugging away at my new book. Hope to get the first draft done (and a lot of pressure off my back) this weekend. Are you excited? You should be excited. But you won’t see it for a while. Until then, by another copy of Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

We need a national point of order on exactly what a “right” is. We have a lot of “slavery is freedom” going on.

If you think you have a right to a job, food, and a place to live, slavery does provide all of that.

Rights do not evolve. Making rights ephemeral like that is a great way to lose them.

If it’s a right today, it would be a right a thousand years ago and a right you’d have alone on a deserted island.

I’m at CPAC, but I’m in disguise with a giant mustache and cowboy hat.

If we get a brokered convention, what the chance we’ll get an awesome ticket versus getting the RINOiest ticket ever?

“So, do you think Chuck Hagel would still want to run as a Republican?” #BrokeredConvention

“Great news! We’ve gotten Arlen Specter to rejoin the GOP. We’ve also picked a nominee. These two items are related.” #BrokeredConvention

“We’ve dubbed our current choices ‘The Three Musketeers.’ There’s a moderate, a different kind of moderate, and a westcoast liberal.” #BrokeredConvention

Today at CPAC, I’m wearing a disguise so I look exactly like Jonah Goldberg. If you see him, it’s probably me. I won’t drop character.

Obama: no useful experience or abilities, arrogant, and completely out of touch with the concerns of regular Americans — I’m starting to think he might be a bad president.

* Government dependence has shot up 23% under Obama. He probably considers that a success — “Look at how many more people government is helping!” — but he’s an idiot. And now that’s just another obstacle to cutting government; you get people dependent on it, and then they’ll freak out like a guy going through withdrawal if you try to take it away.

We have a lot of problems with our government in this country, and we’re not going to fix it without some sort of long term plan. Does anyone running actually offer that?

* Liberals now love drone strikes and keeping Gitmo open. Ends up all the things they screamed about most were just partisan bluster. Who could have guessed that… other than anyone who has ever dealt with the left before.

What are the core beliefs that liberals have that they will turn on their own side if a Democrat goes against them? That babies should be aborted? I think that’s about it. Basically just any view they feel to guilty about to ever walk back on.

* Apparently we might be going to war with Syria. Do they have oil? I think that’s only okay to do when the country doesn’t have anything of interest to the United States.

And while we’re in Syria… Iran is right there. Might as well get to it now and save some money. It’s like when they film a movie and its sequels back to back — it’s way cheaper that way.

* The iPad 3 will reportedly come out in March. I still have an iPad 1, which compared to the new stuff now looks like something a caveman would use to beat to death a woolly mammoth. I’ve also saved up my allowance (SarahK gives me an allowance every month if I’m good) to upgrade my tablet. So wow me, Apple. I’m ready this time. Make me a believer.

Santorum, eh? Any analysis on how his jib is cut?

I wait at the end of the level to fight you in a protracted battle… LIKE A BOSS!

Fun Fact: I watched the 2000 election returns come in at a Santorum reelection party. That was a long night.

The problem for Romney is that it’s hard to get excited about him in the primary unless the alternative is McCain.

Was it just a dream, or did America’s deadliest sniper claim to have punched out the E*Trade baby?

Buttercup yells “Go! Go! Go!” and starts running. I don’t think it’s possible for something to be cuter.

Liberals would benefit having someone go through their beliefs they think are mainstream and mark which ones are actually weird liberal bubble things.