I'm going to Hell

Reasons Britain Is Great

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:44:00 +0000

It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!

Here's five reasons why this little Britain really is Great:

1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.
2. Music
3. Free health care on the NHS
4. Drinking at 18
5. Sex at 16

Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.

We still have good music, and an amazing history of music, even inventing Metal (Thanks Ozzy!). But we're also famous for the Beatles, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Not to mention more recent great bands like Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. We were also well into Punk, with the Sex Pistols and The Clash. In the 80s there was New Wave, but the less said about that the better.

I like this country's drinking culture. It's always raised as a negative, but I myself am a binge drinker, and I like doing it. I like that I could drink (legally) from 18, and have sex at 16, I felt I was old enough and responsible enough to do those things. I still drink as much as I did at 15 18 and I don't plan on slowing down. Sure this may eventually lead to some problems later in my life, but on the positive side, health care is free!

Films I Watched Too Much As A Teenager

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:16:00 +0000

At boarding school I was the kid with the films. At the time hardly anyone had games consoles, I managed to get a PlayStation a bit late in the game. Quite a few people had N64s which we used to 'borrow' to play 4 player MarioKart or GoldenEye. However my main claim was my TV, then my TV/VCR combo. I used to live in Cyprus, where there was no such thing as copyright and I could get pirated videos of the latest blockbuster by walking to the NAAFI (the UK version of a US PX).

One of the weirdest examples I have of this is a young friend asking if I wanted to watch this new film his Dad had bought, it's called 'Jurassic Park' or something. I thought it was pretty good, but the guy on screen who's head was in the way was a little annoying. Afterwards I went home and walked in as the news was reporting how people had queued around the block to watch that very film back in England.

I kept buying videos, they were ridiculously cheap, and I had a case of them I would take to school, to watch and lend. My favourites at the time amongst me and my friends a few years later were:

1. The Rock (1996)
2. Pulp Fiction (1994)
3. Bad Boys (1995)
4. The Usual Suspects (1995)
5. White Men Can't Jump (1992)

We knew each of these films pretty much line by line. I had a fairly limited collection of videos so we used to watch them A LOT. Back then only a few people had their own PCs or laptops, and time available on someone else's was mostly spent playing Duke Nukem 3D or X-COM: Terror From The Deep. Internet connections were barely available in school buildings let alone boarding houses, so there was no Internet, no downloading, a feeble amount of digital porn and the occasional film brought in from home on multiple CDs. That was how I first saw The Phantom Menace, on 3 CDs before it had even been released.

I think one of my favourite moments was creeping down the dorm while eight people were sat in the dark after lights out watching House on Haunted Hill. I reached through the curtain and grabbed the closest shoulder at a particularly scary bit and then listened to the chain reaction of screams. Of course if you watch a bad film you can always forward to about 38:19mins into Wild Things and remove the bad memories. I recall having to do this after watching Animal Farm. Not the cartoon version.

Types of Underwear

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 10:17:00 +0000

Happy Valentines Day! Yeah! Can anyone tell me what St Valentine did? No you can't! Because no one knows. And I don't just mean a general no one, I mean literally no one knows. However I'm pretty sure whatever they were martyred for does not include giving out flowers, cards and chocolate.

As I don't really like Valentine's Day I won't be talking much about it. I will however be getting the Wench something, or else I'm in trouble, not that she ever gets in trouble for not getting me anything, but I'm wondering off the point. The topic today will instead be about pants, as we call them, or underwear for the Americans in the audience. My Top 5 types of undergarments are:

1. Pants (The traditional tighty whiteys, in case you think I mean trousers)
2. Boxers
3. Thongs
4. Lingerie
5. None

I gave up wearing pants quite a while ago, at some point boxers just became more comfortable, plus they were less embarrassing, like wearing swimming shorts instead of speedos.

Thongs are brilliant, and I'm not talking about banana hammocks, and I'm not saying that I wear them. But aren't they great? Who ever invented thongs should win a nobel prize. I'm not sure which category it'd be in though, maybe peace, but also possibly physics or medicine... banishing the VPL should certainly be worthy of something. On the topic the Wench should win some kind of prize, as pretty much all her underwear consists of thongs, and that's why I love her!

Lingerie is a gift from the gods. Is there anything better than lingerie? And it's so comfortable... Although every one knows you can always trump lingerie by simply going commando.

'Mature' Activities

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 15:51:00 +0000

I recently read this article. In it the female author complains how men aren't growing up like they used to, how they're underachieving. Men should be less adolescent and do more mature activities, instead of playing Halo 3 with your buddies you should be 'packing leisure hours' with the following grown up pursuits:

1. Shopping
2. Traveling
3. Dining with friends
4. Getting your hair done
5. Having sleepovers

Of course these pastimes seem like infinitely more mature activities than 'playing basketball with your buddies, downloading music, playing on your xbox360, then going out to bars and parties', after all it's not like I haven't been doing her list of activities since I was 7 myself. Well except for the sleepovers, but I did use to have house mates. The list she's deriding is pretty much the same as hers, just a male equivalent, none of these activities are 'mature', surely by that she means something like visiting museums and art galleries, reading dusty books and wine tasting.

I suspect what she's really upset about is that men just don't want to get married and have children. Oh no, what a disaster, she can't find a man. This doesn't make them immature or in need of growing up. What are the advantages to getting married? Companionship? Men have friends, as she pointed out. Sex? Also as she herself said, men are capable of finding this without being married. A family? Men can have children later in life, so what's the rush. Basically men have no incentive to get married. Unless you call getting divorced, losing your kids, money, car and house like over 50% of marriages an incentive.

By the way I'm getting married in just under 8 months, I'm 25, I have a job, an apartment and four games consoles, how immature am I?

Update: Looks like this is becoming a trend, get some more gamer hate here.

Problems with the Flying Car

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:35:00 +0000

Have you ever wished for a flying car? I know I have. But just give it a bit of thought, how great would flying cars really be? There would have to be so much associated technology developed along with it to even make it feasible as a mode of transport. Not to mention the fact that you'd have to find a method of propulsion smaller and safer than blades of metal spinning around at head height.

Here's five problems with the idea I came up with off the top of my head:

1. Fuel expense
2. Lack of suitable parking
3. Mid-air collisions
4. Driving tests would be impossible
5. Car trouble could be fatal

I think the first problem to overcome is cost. The cost of fuel (nuclear or otherwise), the cost of insurance (crash protection, unscheduled landing cover), the cost of learning to fly, the cost of renting a landing pad, the emotional cost of scraping your daughter up after she slams into a building while applying her makeup.

It seems that the flying car is a dream that is destined to never be realised. Sure we may see flying cars, the same as we see helicopters, but they will be owned by company CEOs, and piloted by trained chauffeurs. Come to think of it, it would probably be safer and cheaper all round to invent the jetpack. Or rocketboots!

Comebacks

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 16:10:00 +0000

Everyone needs a little box of comebacks, for those times when people just hurl abuse at you, like at breakfast. At times like that your sanity relies on you being able to whip out an appropriate put down which will silence your assailant. This is especially important when your a kid. I went to a boarding school and bullying was so common it was just a way of life. Everyone was a bully, including me, it just depended how good you were at it.

The bullying wasn't as important as your counter, or as we referred to it 'banter'. You had to have a comeback ready, and if you weren't quick enough to come up with one to suit the occasion, you used one of the many standard retorts:

1. So's your face.
2. I am rubber, you are glue.
3. That's what your (girlfriend/Dad/Mum/Sister/Dog) said.
4. A 'Your Momma' joke.
5. Your Mum's dead.

A lot of the time we just insulted each other to say hello, so a good your momma joke was an appropriate response. However if someone really pissed you off you could use 'Your Mum's Dead'. This was the childhood equivalent of the modern nuclear weapon, mutually assured destruction. The 'Your Mum's Dead' answer could be taken one of two ways: The first would be a standard counter-retort, and an argument that would probably just escalate into the ridiculsphere, where insults no longer make any sense. Of course you could end up with the second way, when your assailant's Mum is actually dead... Chances are that will not end well.

Reasons to be Happy

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 17:05:00 +0000

Happy New Year! I know it's late, as always. I've not had the greatest start to the year, probably better than last year, but still not great. After the God of Hangovers finally decided to move on from the party he and his insane, screeching hyena entourage were having inside my skull on the 2nd of January, I was granted a day of reprieve until I fell ill on the 4th. After a miserable weekend spent on the couch curled up with the Wench and a duvet I got back to work on the Monday.

So I've been catching up with stuff since then. Cleaning up, doing work, blah blah, the usual grind. Every so often I need to remind myself of a few things:

1. 2007 is over
2. I have a new car
3. I'm not ill any more
4. 2008 can finally get going
5. I'm getting married this year!

We actually bought our car last year, finally getting rid of one of the things that made 2007 so unbearable. The car cost £600 when we bought it, since then we've spent at least 3 times that on keeping it running. No longer will things drop off our car unexpectedly, deflate, collapse, spin away or break apart. Fingers crossed.

The other big news is that this is the year I make the Wench an honest woman. Not that she's not an honest woman now, it's a bit of a stupid expression really. The realisation that we have less than nine months left to plan, book and arrange our wedding was a bit of a shock. I'm not really involved in the planning so far, which can only be a good thing, it seems to be ticking along nicely with the Wench and her mum doing their thing. As long as I get my pimp cane, top hat and topless ushers I'll be fine.

Ninja Characteristics

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:27:00 +0000

Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a ~~day~~ few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this ~~yesterday~~ on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!

Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:

1. Black clothes
2. Silence
3. Skills in all types of combat
4. Stealth
5. Being 'Ninja'

I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadows without being seen; to melt into the wind to make your escape.

The most important point is to be 'ninja'. This is very hard to explain. There are certain personalities who just can't be ninjas. You don't have the mindset, the patience or the determination. Being 'ninja' isn't something that can be taught, you have to have the instinct. It's the sort of thing your born with, like the ability to drink your bodyweight in vodka, or being ravishingly handsome. Unfortunately for me, neither of those skills is particularly useful in becoming a ninja.

Ways To Rape My Childhood

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:27:00 +0000

Nostalgia is a funny thing. While I revel in stuff from my past and relive great experiences there's always the times when you realise just how crap everything used to be. For example there's a lot of computer games I've tried again which are just rubbish, films that are totally unwatchable, food I'd rather use to waterproof my attic than eat again. There's also Thundercats the Movie.

Nostalgia is probably a billion ~~dollar~~ pound industry now. The reason for this is the liberties people take with your most treasured childhood memories. Here's a few examples:

1. The Wicker Man
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
3. Rollerball
4. The Italian Job
5. The Star Wars Prequels

It's true that I've only listed films, but this is mostly what I come across nowadays. I could just as easily have listed song covers, or remade children's cartoons. However films are probably where you are most likely to see this. Hollywood remakes are shockingly awful. Sure every now and again they'll pull out 'The Magnificent Seven', but then you'll also get 'Alvin and the Chipmunks', or 'The Grudge', or 'Psycho'.

Now it's a free for all. Anything is game. We are so hard up for original ideas everything is being remade or given a sequel. Doom got a new game AND a film. I don't have a problem with exploring an idea, or putting it in a different country/time period/planet/all of the above, or at least making it good. As long as people realise not everything is going to be as good as bringing back Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again.

Chat Up Lines Gone Wrong

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 15:23:00 +0000

It's been quite a while since I've had to try and pull a girl. I've been with the Wench for so long it seems like forever (Eight years, I didn't forget, it was a joke! Not the face!), so I've not had much use for chat up lines. Of course before I met the Wench I never had to resort to such vulgar tactics, being the suave lady killer that I am.

Below are a few of the worst chat up lines I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. And when I say hearing I don't mean they were tried on me, otherwise I may very well have not been single when the Wench came around. Here they are:

1. Fat Penguin? (It breaks the ice!)
2. If you were snot I'd pick you first.
3. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
4. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
5. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I did in fact lie before. Not about being a debonair casanova, that was all true, but about never using a chat up line. In my extensive experience it's always best to get the object of your affections on your good side, and this may involve getting her to smile. Of course this requires a certain amount of guess work as to whether or not you'll get a positive response, and which line to use. Even the tried and tested 'Can I buy you a drink?' is a chat up line, so most men at some point have used a line.

I wouldn't recommend using any of the gems above, although a variation of the first featuring a chubby polar bear did get me a smile once. As far as the others are concerned it's probably best to be complementary, even if the line is so cheesy it's funny. I'd steer clear of offering to let a girl sniff a rag in your hand, rape humour is never popular, you'll probably end up getting maced, and let me tell you, that stuff stings!

Reasons NOT to do NaNoWriMo

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 11:52:00 +0000

In case no one knows about it yet, I feel the need to point out that it is actually National Novel Writing Month (It should really be International, but whatever). I really should have said this before the month started, so if you wanted to you could join in, but I'm selfish like that, I didn't want you stealing my glory.

I've wanted to do this for a few years, so this year, despite not being any more prepared, or with more time than any other year, I took the plunge and signed up at NaNoWriMo.org. Here's five reasons I shouldn't have done this:

1. It's 1,666 words a day, the number of the beast!
2. I hardly write in my blog.
3. I don't have a plot.
4. I'm as easily distracted as a chubber* at a buffet.
5. I can't actually write.

The basic premise is that you spew out 50,000 words in one month. It is an incredibly rough first draft that you can then do whatever you want with. Even if that is storing it away and calling yourself a writer for the rest of your life, which is what I plan to do. I'm struggling a little at the moment though, having just crossed the 4,000 word mark last night, while I'm supposed to be at around 10,000 by the end of the day. Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

To give you an idea of the sheer stupidity I've got myself involved in, and just how much of a plot I don't have, my book will feature: Angels, demons, rats in armour, skinned vikings, ghost Romans and possibly freaky dead orphans. Sounds great doesn't it? It's also not supposed to be a comedy, as it's intended for adults. An example of just how much I intended this to be for adults occurred in my first day of writing:

The Wench: "So what's happening now?"
Me: "Well, my main character is a girl who's just about to be raped in a mental hospital."

I'll let you all know when I get it published!

*After searching Urban Dictionary for known meanings of 'chubber' I thought I should point out I'm not talking about a hardening penis, but am in fact referring to a fat person. That's another of those UK-US mix ups like what you call 'chocolate' we call 'inedible swill'.

Slutty Halloween Costumes

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:36:00 +0000

Halloween is rolling around again and as usual it's time for everyone to decide on what they're going to dress up as. For children this is pretty easy, you just ask your parents. They'll probably put some face paint on you and give you some old clothes, so you look like a zombie midget, or a witch with a pituitary disease. Men have it a little more difficult, they actually have to put some effort into their costumes. Especially if you're headed to a party and are on the look out for a helpless damsel your vampire count can prey on, or trying to find a sexy Velma to complete your Scooby Gang.

Of course for the ladies it's simply a matter of making a costume designed around 'Slutty [Insert Occupation Here]'. This may sound like I'm complaining, but far from it. Here's a few of the more popular costumes the girls choose:

1. Slutty Cop
2. Slutty Schoolgirl
3. Slutty Pirate
4. Slutty Nurse
5. Slutty Slut

I think I speak for all men when I congratulate women on the effectiveness and ingenuity of this very simple idea. Who would have thought that the world could be made a better place by just taking a normal Halloween outfit and making it slutty. I don't think that's overstating this at all, it is genius, and I for one, applaud it.

But I think it should be pointed out that there's generally very little effort involved when it comes to the girls making their costumes. While there's always those ladies who take the extra effort to make their costumes as small as possible, but still have the theme be recognisable, by far the most popular costume amongst women is the Slutty Slut, or as it's better known the 'putting-on-a-pair-of-cat-ears-with-whatever-your-sluttiest-outfit-is'. Come on people, Halloween's always a good time, if your gonna dress up, at least put some effort in.

Most Annoying Celebrity Gossip Magazines

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 11:09:00 +0000

There's very few thing's I find more frustrating than modern civilization's fascination with 'celebrities'. I don't mind it about people who are actually famous, but who cares about someone whose only claim to fame was that they were on a game show over four years ago. And they didn't even win!

The worst thing about this is the magazines I see in newsagents and supermarkets. They obviously sell, otherwise there wouldn't be so many of them. I don't see why people need to know this sort of information about these people, or why there's such a market for this crap. Here's the worst offenders:

1. Glamour
2. Now
3. OK!
4. Closer
5. Heat

I hate these magazines. It's pure shit disguised as journalism. If I want to know about celebrity news I'll just read The Superficial instead. It's not that I care about what is being written, I just think that it's written in a funny way, which actively encourages you not to care.

However the thing that makes me ashamed is when a new magazine comes out and I ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S IN IT. I've already read about it. I am more up to date on irrelevant celebrity knowledge than most of the girls I know. Sure I don't actually know that many girls, and the last thing the Wench read for fun was our tickets to Metallica, but it makes me feel like I need to scrub out my brain with steel wool. It seems like that could only make me smarter. Otherwise pretty soon I'll be impersonating these muppets: carrying round small dogs that can't walk for themselves, checking myself into rehab at least once a day, then getting my kids taken away from me. Not that I have kids, but I could adopt some. That's cool at the moment as well though, yeah?

Films I'm Ashamed To Admit I Like

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 10:05:00 +0000

OK, just to disappoint you I'll clarify that maybe 'ashamed' is too strong a word. I'll admit that I like these films if they come up in conversation. Most of the time I'm met with disbelief, although there was that time I ended up with 6 stitches. To be fair I did call her Mum a whore and curse her family, I wonder how that's working out. I consider these films underrated classics, so I don't mind sticking up for them, especially if the reason the conversation came up is to diss John Woo. No one disses The Woo! Anyway, here's my five films:

1. Transformers The Movie (1986) - 42%
2. Army of Darkness - 78%
3. Hard Target - 32%
4. Hulk - 61%
5. What Dreams May Come - 56%
*Scores courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes*

OK, I am kind of ashamed of liking What Dreams May Come, I think I could officially have my balls revoked for admitting it. It's a good film though! It looks awesome and the dude goes to hell to get his wife back. You've got to admit that is impressive. Plus The Wench loves it so I score points for watching it with her.

Hulk is underrated and got a slating for no good reason. ~~So what if the hulk didn't smash enough, that probably would've been even more boring.~~ OK, so it was fairly boring. But it was the kind of comic book film that should be made, not just action, it actually has a story as well. On the other hand Hard Target is probably Van Damme's best film, except maybe Universal Soldier, that was awesome.

I have no excuse for Transformers. Except this.

Cross Bred Animals

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 15:06:00 +0000

I noticed in the news the other day that a strange looking Zorse had been bred in Germany. Now I didn't know about Zorses, but isn't that a cool idea? Cross breeding different species is definately something that should be looked into a bit more. We already have Wolphins and Ligers (bred for their skills and magic). Here's a few more to think about:

1. Giraffe + Camel = Giramel
2. Peacock + Eagle = Peagle
3. Fox + Skunk = Funk
4. Shark + Salmon = Shalmon
5. Chimpanzee + Gonorrhea = Paris Hilton

Imagine some of these creatures! Limited only by your imagination you could be Dr Moreau, but without Val Kilmer's bad acting. The beautiful Peagle, good looking, but a vicious killer, kind of like me. The animal so cool it inspired a musical movement: The Funk. Or the majestic Shalmon, massive and tasty, leaping up waterfalls and eating bears.

Seriously though, genetic experimentation comes at a price. For every Cheetorse (Cheetah-Horse), there is a Slake (Slug-Snake). Not every mutant is useful or amazing. Just look at your TV, any number of talk shows ranging from Jerry Springer to Oprah are right there, providing support and a purpose for failed experiments from all over the world.

RPG Weapon Names

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 10:52:00 +0000

If you've ever played an RPG you must have noticed the ridiculous names given to pretty much every weapon. A sword can't just be a sword, it must be a Blinding Sword of Justice, or an Ice Sword of Supreme Uberness. My favourite was a Grand Club of the Badger. It adds to the illusion of the world your playing in, but sometimes it's just stupid.

Here's a few weapon names I'd like to see:

1. The Darth Maul of Untimely Demise
2. The MC Hammer of Badness
3. The Millennium Falchion of Awesome
4. R Kelly's Statutory Rapier
5. The Britney Spear of Disappointment

I've had some serious writer's block over the last few weeks. I was on holiday for two weeks, but it's been a whole month since I've posted, to the day. On top of which I actually missed Talk Like A Pirate Day yesterday, now that was disappointing. Once again I have to say that I'm gonna get back to posting. They may not be good, or long, or regular, but there should at least be more of them.

Zombie Related Media I've Seen

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 15:47:00 +0000

A lot of people like Zombies. I was going to say everyone, but I don't think that reanimated rotting corpses are everyone's cup of tea. I think the reason I like the Zombie genre is because it kind of crosses over into the post-apocalyptic genre as well, and I love all that Mad Max type stuff.

I loved all the George Romero films, Night of the Living Dead (He's coming to get you Barbara!), and even his latest Land of the Dead, which a lot of people slated. I especially like the Resident Evil games, battling through destroyed towns and Zombie infestations, always good to play on a dark night. Other than that I've also recently:

1. Read World War Z
2. Watched 'Dawn of the Dead' (The new one)
3. Read 'The Walking Dead' Comic
4. Got excited about 'Left 4 Dead'
5. Love 'Shaun of the Dead'

I like seeing or reading about things which may happen in a zombie invasion, but out of the ordinary. You can get a basic overview from George Romero's films, get somewhere easy to defend, with stores of food and some weapons. World War Z is a view from past the conflict, made up of interviews of survivors from all levels of society. It's interesting to see how governments might react, what tactics the military would come up with, how certain professions or buildings would be used to help the war effort.

The Walking Dead also has some interesting ideas, but the comic is mostly about the human reactions to the situation. Families trying to make it, groups meeting and breaking, it's kind of like a more extreme zombie infested soap opera, with more flesh eating, it's a good read and I'd recommend it.

Nationalities I've Been Mistaken For

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:17:00 +0000

I've traveled a little in my life, not enough that I'd call myself 'well traveled', but more than the average person. In the course of my travels I've often been mistaken for different nationalities. This is mainly because I'm in that particular country and people just assume I'm from there. It's not that big a deal when the people don't speak the same language as you, as you can't really notice accents unless you speak their language really well, so generally you just shrug, smile and speak louder and slower.

So the times I've been mistaken for being a different nationality, people have guessed that I'm:

1. American
2. Canadian
3. German
4. Irish
5. Australian

The first two were in random countries, with the locals assuming I was from Canada or the US as I spoke English. The third I was actually in Germany and someone started speaking to me in German. Luckily I actually know a little German, so I got him to speak for me (sorry, that was a bad Dad pun). I do actually know some German though so I didn't have to resort to the usual obnoxious foreigner routine.

The final options cropped up while I was taking my year out before going to university. I was working in Canada at the time, in a gas station. I'd just served some random Canadian dude and he looked at me strangely and said 'I like your accent, you Irish?'. I could probably have excused this, but as my accent sounds about as similar to Irish as it does to a seven year old Russian I couldn't help but say 'No, I'm English'. The man shrugged and replied 'Ah well, same thing'. Now in case you don't know, Ireland and England are entirely different countries, sure we talk English, but so does South Africa, it doesn't make us the same. So to demonstrate my point I dangled in front him: 'I guess if your American it sounds pretty similar'. 'I'm Canadian', came the proud reply. As Captain Canuck totally feel for the setup I swooped in with my reply, 'Ah well, same thing'.

Sometimes it's fun being an obnoxious foreigner.

Reasons Why I Hate Big Brother

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 09:57:00 +0000

I used to be into Big Brother, not in a big way, and it would always take me some time to get into it. I hated the first few weeks, you watch everyone go in and comment on how annoying they are, and the first night is terrible. Everyone just gets drunk, and you can't hear anyone speaking, it's just noise. Loud drunk people talking over one another, I may as well go down the pub. That's also pretty much what goes on for the first few weeks, everyone is loud, there's too much to follow, as there's too many people.

Once the crowd has thinned out a bit and the most annoying have been booted out the house, getting booed mercilessly by the waiting crowd, that's when I'll get into it. But after the first few years, it got even worse. Now I go out of my way not to watch it, for the following reasons:

1. The pointless 'surprises'
2. The bitching
3. The stupid contestants
4. The fact they all think we care after they've left
5. Charley

Basically in this country the 'contestants' are always picked based on breast size, sexual preference and shock value. So you can expect at least 60% women, 40% gay, 30% freaks and about 75% mental. This guarantees hysterics, relationships, break-ups, cliques and at least 17 bitch fights a day between the incredibly nasty and petty 18-23 year old girls they dig out of the nearest shopping centre.

Above all else this woman is the perfect example of everything I hate about Big Brother. She is, and I quote "A self-proclaimed 'it' girl, Charley likes shopping, money and going clubbing at celebrity hangouts." And her Life Philosophy is: "Celebrity, celebrity, cash, celebrity." She has never had a job and gets her money from her cousin, who plays football in the Premiership in the UK. She the most annoying person I have ever had the misfortune of seeing on TV. Her voice grates on my brain like I just face planted onto a blackboard teeth first. Her personality makes me want to punch through her face and pull out her intestines so I can use them to tie her to a post in the middle of Pete's Rabid Bear Emporium. Thank God she's been evicted, now I can get on with forgetting everything about her, as even her cousin has practically disowned her, after seeing what a terrible excuse for a human she is. All I can say is I'm so glad I've got Bravo now so I can watch Sports Disasters, or When Sports Go Bad so I can see idiots hurt themselves instead.

Reasons The Wench Is Awesome

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 14:46:00 +0000

I give the Wench a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in my whiny way where I whine and sound all whiny. Then whine. But she's been really good to me recently, and when I say recently I mean since I've known her. Although she has put in real effort in the last few weeks as I've been working late a lot and not exactly jumping with energy when I've gotten home. She picks me up from the station already, but now she's got a smile on her face.

Basically I don't think I give her enough praise (not that she gives me any), but I complain a lot as well, as I just demonstrated. Anyway, here's 5 reasons why she's awesome:

1. She always talks to anyone.
2. She's always up for getting wasted.
3. She's watched more of my porn than I have.
4. She's just as lazy as I am, which means she can't bug me about being lazy.
5. She's Hot.

I think the first point is very important. The Wench talks, she talks a lot, to anyone who will listen. And most of the time they do want to listen. When I first met her family all I got asked was 'How do you put up with her?', to which I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled, as I don't talk. At all. It seems a bit of a weird combination, but it kind of works. An example of why this is great comes from last week, where we went for a night out in Loughborough. There's now a smoking ban in the UK, which means if you smoke you have to do it outside of bars and clubs. We went for a fag and immediately made friends with the group standing next to us, and ended up exchanging high fives with them for the rest of the night (The Wench is on a mission to bring back the high five). This may seem insignificant as we were all drunk, but she can do this ANYWHERE. It's like a mutant superpower, she can just get anyone to like her and start talking. I used to get worried going out with her to a pub as she'd spend ages going to the bar or toilet as she'd immediately make 3 new friends on the way.

The last point The Wench will undoubtedly disagree with me on, but as a shallow male I have to say it's rather an important point. She is hot, and I feel I should tell everyone, her included, that she is hot. And that I like to do her, all the time, as much as possible.

Reasons I Haven't Been Posting

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 09:51:00 +0000

I have been sehr, sehr busy at work these last couple of weeks (months?). We've been working on a new web site which is absolutely massive. It's the biggest site our company has ever had to produce and we've had about 3 months to do it. We're pretty much into testing and back end stuff right now, but it's debatable whether or not we're going to hit our August deadline.

I was going to say that my post rate is going to increase and hopefully I'll get back to where I was posting a few times a week, but it's doubtful that'll happen for at least another few more weeks. In the meantime this is what's keeping me busy:

1. The new site project
2. Laziness
3. Commuting
4. Maintaining all our websites
5. Trying to relax while at home

The most annoying thing at the moment is that combining my commute and my commitments at home, and spending time with the Wench means I have very little time to myself. Everyone needs some alone time and I don't really get any to myself. I'm a gamer who doesn't game, a film nerd who can't watch films and apparently a blogger, despite my recent absence.

But it hasn't all been bad news. I recently got a promotion, meaning I can start to dig myself out of our numerous debts, and possibly get a decent car. We've also finally gotten our Sky+ (this is like a British version of TIVO), which will help with my film nerd dreams as I now get to record whatever I want to watch, so I don't have to watch crap like Holby City, Property Ladder, or the soul sapping, migraine inducing, bowel relaxing, intelligence lowering, horror laden, retard infested abomination that is Big Brother.

Reasons I'm Glad To Be Home

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 16:18:00 +0000

As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.

The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:

1. My living quarters are no longer a tent
2. There is a supermarket just down the road
3. I don't have to walk everywhere
4. I can have a shower/wash whenever I want
5. I have immediate access to a toilet

For days my bathroom has been a pack of wet wipes, my kitchen a camping stove and a bag of various cans (all the labels got ripped off the first night), my toilet the camp fence (or a 10 minute walk to an indescribable hell) and my changing room an oven temperature tent. Waking up every morning with a hangover really didn't help.

Needless to say I'm glad to be back, despite the sun and boozing. After an hour long shower where my skin changed colour 4 times I felt refreshed and clean, hungry and a little sad. Sure the camping experience is just a small step from being a refugee, but refugees don't have a bunch of awesome bands to rock out to everyday. Although nor do they have to pay for the privilege.

Bands At The Download Festival 2007

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 15:12:00 +0000

I'm off to the Download Festival again this year. I'm leaving in about 30mins actually. The Wench's brother (let's call him Bitch for now) is already there, with his tent set up and waiting for us. This year Bitch supplied the tent, a £100 10-man mansion, for just 4 people: Me, the Wench, Bitch and his band mate Spider (not his real name, but he is a drummer).

I'm currently waiting to leave, I've got half an hour. the last 3 days have been the slowest of my life! I've been looking forward to the music I've got to listen to, alcohol to drink, fields to pass out in and all the rest. Here's who I'm looking forward to seeing:

1. Wolfmother
2. Korn
3. Iron Maiden
4. Marilyn Manson
5. Linkin Park

Of course they're not the only bands there I'll see. I'll also watch Mastodon, Megadeth, Slayer, Lamb of God and many other wholesome and family friendly bands. Last year was a great festival, hot, sunny, lots of friends, good music and women giving away free Snickers Ice Creams. I hope this year lives up to it. Even though the music isn't as good, and the weather is likely to be cloudy and not as many people I know are going, I'm sure I'll struggle through.

What am I talking about? It's going to be awesome, or off the hook as the kids say nowadays. I've got 4 litres of vodka for me and the Wench to get through, and a whole lot more which should add to the weekend as well. The Red Bull X-Fighters are there this year as well, hopefully brightening my day with some comedy crashes as they've stolen the only piece of shade in the entire arena. If I blister in the sun the least you could do is fall of your bike midway through a Superman Backflip to make me feel better.

Stupid Long Words

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 11:10:00 +0000

I hate government or military speak. It's the kind of talking where the speaker could say what they wanted to much simpler, but decides to throw in a bunch of big and possibly made up words. This makes the speaker feel big and clever, and the ordinary person listening think he's a giant cock. Generally I see people who use words like this as condescending fucktards.

I don't do this that much as I often run out of big fancy words and end up repeating myself, saying the wrong word or just making up my own words, like George Bush (but on a good day, with a slow autocue that's spelt phonetically). A few examples of words like these are below:

1. Irregardless
2. Pejorative
3. Obfuscate
4. Egregious
5. Behooves

I am aware that irregardless isn't actually a word, but it is used rather a lot considering. In fact irregardless is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. It's a word that ~~is nonsensical~~ sorry, I mean, makes no sense, but people still use it to try and sound clever, they probably heard someone say it on TV. Or just tried to make a smaller word larger to sound more impressive.

To be honest I've only ever really heard these words from TV. Like speeches on the news, or in films where a drill instructor is trying to be intelligent, or an officer is talking to his grunts. I first heard behooves in Tigerland, and then on the news in Iraq. It's not capacious, and it's not sagacious, and you won't cogitate that I'm more perspicacious than I really am because I used a thesaurus.

Things I learned about Spain

noreply@blogger.com (Ugly Toy) — Wed, 30 May 2007 11:08:00 +0000

It's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I do have an excuse for a large part of that time, as I was away on holiday in Spain, visiting some of the Wench's family (she's not Spanish, they just live there). Since returning we've had a bank holiday in the UK, so that's even more time off. In fact I've only worked a few days in 3 weeks, and been pretty busy while at work.

Anyway, I'm back now (for a few days at least) and ready to tell you the truth about Spain. I'd gathered that the Spanish are fairly lazy, what with their siestas and the building site that is their country. There's also a lot that I'd been told that had misled me about Spain, but on the other hand some of what I'd been told was totally correct:

1. It's not as cheap as I previously assumed.
2. Young Spaniards have a death wish when driving bikes or quads.
3. The food is as good as you've heard.
4. It's not as warm as everyone says.
5. It's an entertaining drive back to the airport.

During my time in Spain the Wench's parents paid for most of it. Put it this way, we spent £36 for the whole trip. And I'm glad we weren't paying, because it's not as cheap as everyone says! But the food is worth what you pay for it. I loved everything I ate on that holiday, even the lead paint had a nice tang. The weather however, was supposed to be excruciatingly hot. During our time there, the UK had much better weather than we did. The six hour storm on the final night was impressive, but not quite what I was expecting.

I was designated driver on the trip, with the Wench, her brother and step-brother sharing the car. I nearly killed 3 Spaniards over the holiday, all on dirt bikes or quads, driving at ridiculous speeds in the middle of the road. After listening to the kids of the village roar up and down the main street all night I decided if I did actually hit one of them coming round a corner, I'd probably just laugh at his broken skull poking through my windscreen.

On the final night the four of us that had been sharing the car went on a mission to get wasted. We succeeded admirably, with the Wench's step brother throwing up over the balcony before bed and again the next morning. As we were up in the mountains it was a 45 minute drive to the motorway through winding roads up and down steep inclines, ideal for any hangover. It took 5 minutes till the first passenger was sick (the Wench's step-brother), followed by another (the Wench's brother). The two of them then went into full puke overload, going continuously till we hit the coast. This meant I couldn't use my wing mirrors or else I'd be sick, getting a prime view of them hurling from the windows. It was like they were egging each other on, setting each other off again and again. I had puking in surround sound. 'Vodka' became a magic word, capable of inducing vomiting even by whispering it. The outside of the car was in quite a state by the time we reached the airport, so we threw the key to the hire car across the desk and ran. Luckily it wasn't in our name.