gracefully seeking perfection

2009-06-29T19:37:00.002-05:00

Master and I had an enjoyable weekend. We reconnected and it felt so great. I missed Him so much. Lots of blowjobs and orgasms. Even an assfucking thrown in there.

Ever since I said "yes" to Master's marriage proposal, I have been quite introspective on the topic of marriage. Turns out that I had always wanted marriage yet I had no idea what it meant to me. It seemed like a status to reach and a way to legitimize myself in relation to Master and the world.

I still haven't stopped wondering about it. What is marriage? A commitment? We had that without marriage. Plus, lots of marriages don't involve commitment- be it openly or in secret. I hear women say "I'm your wife- don't scare me like that!" or "Is that any way to speak to your wife?" and I just don't understand that. Does being a wife entitle one to a higher level of respect? I never had to genuflect to my married girlfriends before. Does being a wife mean that you don't have to do things that girlfriends do (I can just hear some men thinking "sex..." now)? I had someone on a social networking site actually comment on my "got married" status by saying "Welcome to the club". Ugh, that just sounded horrible. I don't want to be a part of that married club, anyway. Do married women feel intimidated by single women?

Does marriage ensure that you will be together always? No, nothing does. Yet we had already expressed our desire to be together.

I actually googled "what is marriage" a few days before we wed. It took me to a woman's blog who wrote, in a nutshell, that marriage is sticking together no matter what. Through all of the pain, frustration, pauper like times. Marriage means that if a husband has dementia, the wife is obligated to move into the nursing home with him. I found her writing sappy, scary and nice at the same time.

So, marriage (to me, anyway) is me saying "I will follow you into dementia". Or you will give me dementia... but either way, I will go that far. That deep.

What else? Proclaiming your love in front of family, friends or God (depending on your personal beliefs). Not necessary, I overlook that one. It has legal benefits. Cheaper car insurance, tax breaks, health insurance. All nice, but I don't quite understand this whole thing. Just because two people go to a justice or minister, they are magically granted legal benefits that those who won't marry or can't marry can't receive? Why is that? Our government still holds true to biblical values, thus we scratch your back if you get hitched? It's just so ... unromantic or disenchanting or some other... word.

I think that I will find out what marriage is in small, sometimes hard steps. Like the other day, when Master experienced something that placed Him in a vulnerable position. I knew it. Yet I had to tend to a part of it that I felt He should have; being the person in charge that He is in this relationship. He didn't tend to it, and I got upset and kind of pissed at Him for it. It wasn't until minutes later that I realized. He is Master but there will be times that I will have to do what is necessary. There will be moments that I will have to take something over- just because He is so human and I support Him. It may not be the perfect situation, but that's relationships for ya. That's my marriage, anyway.

I like referring to Him as my husband when I am with Him alone. It feels intimate and wonderful. It makes me feel 'grown up', even though I'm not quite sure yet how His responsibilities have changed as He went from live in boyfriend to husband. Sometimes I find myself in situations (like today, changing my name on an account to my married name) where I try to go around saying "my husband" to anyone else but Him. I have always sort of detested women who have to tell every living soul that they got married, and find every way imagineable to work "my husband" into every sentence. So, I called up and said "need to change my name". They asked "you got married?" I say yes, and most of the time they will say congrats and I feel all awkward and stuff. I am not a girly girl and that stuff doesn't make me gush. I guess, as I grow older I am also growing more private.

I try to break that awkward feeling. When I was with Him the other day, I told someone that we just got married, just getting 'started' blah blah. I didn't like it. Thought it would make me feel 'legit' in someone elses eyes. Turns out, it just made me feel like smeone other than myself.

So I guess, so far, being married is an experience to me that is more private. It is intimacy and learning that there will be very tough times where I will have to step up and protect my protector. Oh, and the senile thing too.

2009-06-23T06:34:00.002-05:00

We had an awful argument this morning. He didn't speak to me afterwards. He left for work without saying goodbye. I just needed to get something from the bedroom. Passing by the restroom, I glanced over into it and saw his wedding ring on the counter. I wanted to get sick when I saw it there. It doesn't belong there.

I miss him so much. He's in that summer work mode/schedule. Sometimes I have to fight to get him to notice me now. I hate that. I miss him so much, time spent alone with him. I want to just lay in bed with him and be held close.

2009-06-22T19:06:00.003-05:00

I've always wanted to see Master fuck another woman. A threesome, interactive but with emphasis on voyeurism on my behalf. Now that we're married? I want it even more. I had this fantasy last night about that type of encounter and it drove me even crazier. Want it! Badly.

We've crossed the threshold: anal sex only from here until further notice. He's been pushing me the last few days on multiple slave related boundaries. It brings good and bad hurt.

2009-06-15T18:35:00.002-05:00

Last night as we curled up in bed, I joked about how we seem to be 'saving' ourselves for the wedding night. Master then declared that we will have sex the night before the wedding and that will be the last time we will engage in vaginal intercourse until further notice. On our wedding night, He will fuck my ass and that's how it will be until He says otherwise.

Wow, I didn't like that at all. He's been talking about an anal only sex life for about a year now and I have always cringed when it loomed in conversation. I love vaginal too much to let it go. Not only that but gosh... on our wedding night? That wasn't the dream I've always had in mind.

Then again, He said stuff like "you will then be my property legally and I will do what I want". That's sexy.

How can anal made to be romantic? I've always wanted romance on my wedding night!

2009-06-07T16:52:00.002-05:00

Master wanted a blowjob. Just out of the blue, "I want a blowjob". Two months ago, I had no problem doing that. Two months ago I was in better health and on depression meds that helped. I really wish I could just out of the blue do that for him. Sometimes though, especially now with all the complications... I just can't snap into it right now.

He's working now and I'm going to try to get into the minset. If he wants it when he comes home I'd like to be able to pleasure him.

When I marry him in a few weeks, I would like to feel like I am not just marrying my best friend and lover but my Master, too. I call Him Master because afterall well, He is. Yet we haven't been active M/s in so long...that has to be built up again. We need this, and I should talk to Him about that. I would like it to be unspoken that day, that He is taking full ownership and control and that I am pledging my support and service in addition to everything else.

2009-06-04T19:41:00.003-05:00

I miss Master. He's been away at work all week. Lots of wedding planning going on while He is gone; the wedding is just a few weeks away. My dress came today. Aside from receiving the engagement ring and seeing the spot where we will be wed, the dress made it feel more real. And it's not even a traditional dress. Just a sundress. But I am very happy with it.

I just miss Him. Can't wait until He comes home tomorrow. It's been a long week for the simple reason that He hasn't been around.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. :)

2009-05-31T21:04:00.001-05:00

We're getting married. :)

all i want is to not want

2009-05-28T19:18:00.003-05:00

I just had this strange passing thought: it is my wish that your daughter grows up to be just like we were. Full of passion coupled with a strong lesbo streak. I also wish that things didn't turn out in the manner they did. She is now a stranger to me, the one who used to be a muscle in my own heart. Songs fade from popularity. Tori Amos isn't as hot as she used to be. $25 and a cracker doesn't hold the fascination that it once did. Still has a few memories, though.

Kicking around musty thoughts tonight, obviously. The sky has looked bipolar stunning in the past few days. Lots of big, threatening clouds mixed with illuminated nearly heavenly looking ones. Rainbows abound. My father says it is raining in my life right now. He's right.

But at least I still have my sex drive. No sex last night. I didn't initiate. I don't think we will ever fuck again if I don't.

I wish He would set aside time to hurt me. To focus on me and not the tivo. To wax me, kiss me or piss in my ass. I feel like a kid that will do anything to get her parents attention. I'd even withstand the assfucking He likes so much.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my ex, the married one. Kink was a big part of us. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about it so much. I miss kink. I miss the energy that feeds between an active slave/sub and her dom/master.

Been sighing a lot lately. But I'm alive.

2009-05-27T19:19:00.002-05:00

We fucked again last night. Hot, hot. Not just hot but... sensual. I felt things that I haven't felt in ages. I spent hours watching porn before He arrived home. I shaved my cunt close, too. In the spirit of hoping it would help seduce Him.

I have no idea what has gotten into me. I sleep-masturbated in the middle of the night... woke up while I was fingering my clit. Went at it anyway. I've cum countless times in the last 24 hours.

I'd love to fuck Him again tonight but I don't want to be turned down... so I won't attempt. He's been working long hours over the past few days and I was clearly pushing my luck last night.

Still. Sigh.

unsexy ruts

2009-05-26T18:33:00.005-05:00

Master and I fucked last night. It felt so good to have the world quiet down long enough for us to be intimate like that. My lips ran over His cock and it was lovely. There was nothing but our desires... no pressure, expectation or intruding thoughts of day to day obligations. He fucked me, hard. It made me feel like a woman. I felt His strong energy. I felt the need to yield, yield. We were so close to being our Master and slave selves.

It would be lovely to be used sexually. More often. Without me having to initiate. I believe that me not initiating would be a wonderful push toward that mindset. I fear that sex would almost dissapear if I didn't initiate it. Master is beginning to really dig deep into that crazy summer schedule of His and...and...and...

I wish we could be more involved with our local kink group but it seems like the monthly meetings are not meshing with our schedule. It was a bummer that we missed another munch on Saturday but at the same time I am glad to have spent the time with Master's family. Bonus is that we accomplished all of our to-do-list yard work.

I would like to become more involved in kink now. I figured that more activity in the munches would perhaps nudge at that but who knows what will be our inspiration (or kick in the ass). It seems like something always comes up that takes priority. I don't feel very comfortable when we have to take a backseat to work or other commitments. I feel uneasy because sometimes I feel like we can do much better in prioritizing. Our down time can be spent in bed instead of unwinding in front of a tv.

Sometimes I stop and realize what I am doing. Obsessing over keeping the house tidy when I could be relaxing some in order to enjoy Him. Master, well he's too relaxed. We need to find a common ground, perhaps.

It's hard for me to see the big picture. I live with my face looking down into the fishbowl. Big picture often defeats me. That's scary because moments will go by while you're going through your work and then you realize another year has passed... not just a few moments. And what do you have to show for that year? A cleaner house? New furniture? Not as much in savings as you had wanted. You're a year older and really... nothing has changed. That kind of stuff just terrifies me. I tend to fall into ruts and I dislike that so much about myself.

feeling outshined

2009-05-16T11:49:00.002-05:00

Master is back home. It was kind of weird at first, having him back. I missed him lots. At the same time, I sort of got used to the aloneness- how it used to be when we lived apart. I was single, but not. That whole Woody Allen/Mia Farrow (pre Soon-Yi) separate togetherness.

I've been sick for the better part of 3 weeks now. Different issues, different days. We haven't had sex in about two weeks. The more we live together, the more I understand why some men seek a mistress. It is never pretty. It isn't always perfect and the sex has suffered. I can nag, we can fight. What a mess.

That reminds me of when I was a mistress. I saw the world in a much more romantic light. I could date him and not have to deal with the messy day to day of it all. Then again, I couldn't always have him and I was pretty much hidden from the world.

Brings to mind old Soundgarden lyrics:
The grass is always greener / Where the dogs are shitting

Speaking of my ex-married-boyfriend, I found him on Facebook. I wasn't looking for him. He showed up in my 'suggestions'. That took the wind out of my sails. I feel like I will always carry mistress related baggage. I ground in the cigarette because I dated him for so long. Kept going back, too. Kind of pissed that Facebook suggested him. I have a tendency to want to pick at that scab and obviously I don't have time for that now.

It seems that the only thing I have time for now is to be the repelling wife figure. Master wouldn't agree. It's just how I feel and well... this is my venting space.

2009-05-10T19:23:00.002-05:00

Master is leaving tomorrow for a week long business trip. Part of me will of course miss him but another part of myself is looking forward to the time alone. Absence...heart...fonder, etc.

It will be nice to make the house immaculate and not have to fight to keep it that way.

I have been entertaining fantasies of moving. I'm very frustrated with this area. I feel that I have given it a good run, 10 months so far. I've never had as many illnesses in my life as I have had in the last 10 months. This has to be a sign, no? The job is a disaster. There are no jobs here. Not that it will be any better anywhere else given the economy. I just have my heart set on Pennsylvania again. I miss it. I want to be closer to my family, too.

I am a misfit puzzle piece around here and I'm just tired. I want to go somewhere that knows me. I want to go somewhere that I know. At least slightly.

2009-05-07T19:53:00.002-05:00

Whew, I miss my friends. So much. I just want to spend time with people- other than Master- who know me so well. I want to be known for a while. Would feel nice to feel loved by someone other than Master. I miss my friends.

our house is a very very very fine house

2009-04-27T19:16:00.002-05:00

Enjoying the cool breeze on the deck after a long day. Full time gig chased by a part time gig chased by a beer. Master and I are building our life together, slowly. Finished the outdoor furniture last week, grill is set up now. Little by little, like a puzzle. It's strange how I connect all of this with being legitimate. Why does all this make me feel more whole? I guess to me it connects with stability issues that I have. Self esteem issues, too. Someone likes me enough to build a life with me. I shouldn't put so much weight on it; I know I should put more weight on how I feel about things. I never have before so I know it's a priority.

Aside from all that, it feels nice to stand back and take in the fact that we are building a family. I moved here about 10 months ago. Back then, I had no job set up in this new strange place. We lived in a cramped apartment that allowed no pets. Now we're in a home in the country. We have peace and space. We're allowed our pets and we finally got the dog we've wanted. Master finally has the porch and grill he's always wanted. Things may not be perfect. Sure, I don't have health insurance. At least I have income; two of them at that. This income is helping to build something for our family. That feels nice.

I am appreciative that He puts up with me and my neuroses.

the last one

2009-04-20T20:08:00.002-05:00

I'm in heat tonight. Missing roughness. Missing being used like an object. Wish He could fuck me tonight but like I said...I'm in heat.

I want to marry Master. I wish He would ask me. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want to be legitimate. I want to be special enough to be the one for Him. I want to know what it feels like to be His wife. To be able to show the world that I am His. To not feel embarassed by revealing that we live together but are not married...to not be shamed by landlords and pastors. I want to feel like I am worth it to Him.

slow train

2009-04-19T17:03:00.000-05:00

Master came with me to one of my sessions before Easter. I was very appreciative of the fact that he came with me, that he supports me that much. It was a good session and I feel like it made both of us thankful for what we have. I went into the session fearful that she would say we're dysfunctional and awful. She said the complete opposite, though. It felt good for someone to say "you're normal". Since then I feel like a tension has been lifted between us. I am relaxing more and Master is more open to me.

We've had sex a lot more, too. Nothing terribly kinky but there's an edge there. Roughness, spanking, nails down skin type of stuff. Part of me feels like we are getting to know each other as a couple now. When we met, we dove into the kink and somehow got everything backwards. I feel like I am becoming closer to him, it makes me feel safe again and I can see us delving back into that world again.

Slow process.

2009-04-08T19:35:00.002-05:00

The addition of the dog into our family has been positive and fruitful. She's a wonderful focus for us both. Daily walks. Visiting people and family. It's for the dog... her exercise, her socialization...right? It turns out that in the process, she's helping us. She gets us out more often, she is our connection to the outside world. And I love her so much.

2009-03-22T15:37:00.002-05:00

I took care of Master last night. I was even able to give him a blowjob that was quite kinky...He was guiding my head with His fist in my hair. He was forceful and it was delightful. Everything has been wonderful between us... until like a half hour ago when we got snappy over a household repair emergency. I had hopes of hard play today. Seems like a pipe dream at this point. Tomorrow is the big day...we adopt our doggie. Excited.

under the milky way

2009-03-21T17:11:00.003-05:00

Master should be coming home any time now. All day I have been trying to think of ways to make his return to home as soft as possible. Dinner's ready. I crave his cock. I crave his power over me. I wish I could have it tonight but I know that after the last 24 hours of work, he will not want to engage like that.

It's always fleeting; this sex drive of mine. It's the antidepressants. It's been this way for a very long time now and I really hate the fact that it's hardly or never there. My sex drive- when it's functioning properly- makes me feel alive.

I was pretty ill a few weeks ago and went off the medication. I have not been able to go back on it because I now associate that new medicine with being horribly sick. I know it's silly and that they're not connected but I guess that's just how I am. Anyway, the pill's effect on my sex drive is beginning to lose power. Every once in a while I feel a flicker of warmth.

My doctor says that I should begin back on the pill when I am in need of it's assistance. I am aware that it's still in my system now... that combined with my current busy schedule...well, I haven't had the chance to think much.

I am thankful for Master. We may not be actively kinky but he is still Master. I love him and I will do my best to support him. It's not always easy for us... but I feel like we may be hitting a clearing here. That's a relief.

Because sometimes, when it was bad... I would wonder. Why would he stay with me and be so miserable? How could he stand it when he could easily find someone else who would not hold him back? Is he a masochist too? But right now I don't think I need to worry about that stuff because things are alright.

I'm a little sad. A family member died today. I haven't seen him in years...having moved so far away. I have grown away from a lot of family after so many moves. I heard about his illness weeks ago and wondered what I could do. Nothing left to wonder now. I'm not sure how I feel about it all except to say I am sad.

the switch

2009-03-20T18:59:00.002-05:00

Master is away for work until tomorrow night. Initially when he told me about this, I felt a little relief. I could have some more of that quiet alone time. Tonight, though, I miss him.

wave

2009-03-15T13:49:00.002-05:00

I am alone this afternoon. Peace is slowly creeping into me. I've cleaned some. The rain has stopped, allowing me to open the windows. There is no constant chatter of the TV. Only the sounds of birds, an occasional passing car, Robert Fripp and David Sylvian. Fripp. My ex of a gazillion years ago introduced me to him. What was his name? Paul. I can't seem to grasp his last name but I can picture him perfectly. Somewhere down in the basement there are pictures of him in an old, neglected photo album.

With nameless Paul, I would wander New York City. We had no money. I had no education beyond Art. I had no idea of the real excitement that was under neath it all; the culture and life. Since then, I guess I've learned some. If I ever go back to NYC, I will visit China Town and have dim sum. I will find hole-in-the-wall Thai places.

The phone just rang, it is a very not-nameless man. I will never forget his last name. I am in our home now. Which is a world away from NYC. I had to dig through multiple stores to find Sriracha sauce. I found it, though, and tonight my Man with a name will create a little culture in our island.

It's strange how being here actually winds me tighter. Being in a city actually punctured the tension in me and let it bleed. Here, I have to find ways to let it go. Time alone is good.

2009-03-08T17:34:00.003-05:00

My mother was diagnosed with a recurring cancer a few weeks ago and the surgery is this week. For the last 8+ years, I had lived just a 2 hour drive away and with every hospitalization I have always been there. I was hoping to be there this week but I simply can't miss any more work. I'm not crushed over this but I just do not like not being there. I don't feel like I can help from such a great distance. I don't like being helpless when my family needs me. You know?

I think I am getting over the stomach flu that hit me on Wednesday. It's unsettling to realize that it takes longer to heal as I age. Ugh, I am aging. I spent today struggling to get rid of the last of this... thing so that I can work and work hard this week. I have two jobs to excel at. I'm tired of being down for the count in these areas.

The other night, sick and a mess, all I wanted to do was make Master happy. He has done so much for me and has put up with so much. I wanted to crawl to him. I was already naked. I got on my hands and knees at the end of the hallway. I lasted two steps and I was a mess. I gave up and pathetically walked to him. At least I had the drive, I guess.

I think I am having problems adjusting to my new medication. I am still having trouble in general in the depression/anxiety area. The one shiny thing I am holding on to right now is that soon we will have a new pet. I love pets. And it felt like spring this weekend. I am so thankful for this.

and then...

2009-03-05T20:41:00.000-05:00

In the 6 months I have relocated to this area, I have been sick 5 times. 3 of those times have occured within the last 4 weeks. 2 of these illnesses were violent stomach viruses. I can't imagine anyone who likes vomiting, but I detest it. Getting sick, to me, feels like death. It's scary, feels awful and makes me feel so alone. So, I've been sick.

The sub/slave munch: that night after returning home from work, Master and i had a terrible fight. I run, just to get anywhere but home. After calming down, I decide the best place to put my body for a few hours would still be the munch. I get lost trying to find the house, and had no phone number to call.

Good thing is, they've upped my dosage of Celexa. I'm hoping for Spring like nothing else- praying that maybe some warmth will lift my spirit out of wherever it is.

a dysfunctional sex blog, i know.

2009-02-26T20:14:00.003-05:00

Saturday i will attend a slaves only gathering put together by the local group. It will be nice to be with people who understand the lifestyle. I like the fact that I will be able to socialize with people who are not coworkers or...Master. Then again I remember that I don't do well in groups like this, I am super shy and I generally feel like an alien in social settings like this. I also feel like a fake being in a slave's group when I haven't had a strong attachment to the lifestyle in a while. I haven't even been horny. I guess that's due to what my last post was about...medication or whatever.

I am not particularly sad at this moment or even today... I am just here. Feeling stagnant, sort of wondering where my life is going... where do I fit in? I have work to do.

2009-02-20T14:41:00.003-05:00

I am sorry that I haven't posted much, there isn't much to write about. I have been battling a terrible depression and without health insurance. Within the past week and a half I have also dealt with a stomach virus and upper respiratory infection. I hate my job. The only good thing is that due to my illnesses, I haven't been at the job that much. Downside is, I'll probably be fired for that. Upside is, my old employer hired me on part time, working from home. This will turn full time and I am waiting on confirmation on that. Maybe I can put my notice in before I'm fired. I've never been fired, ever. Yet I just don't care. I'm trying to keep my head above water.