I have no great sympathy for their claims that the media should back off, respecting their privacy as a family. When you open your life as they have (and as I have on my blog), you have to take the good with the bad. There will be those that love you no matter what. There will be people who will celebrate every stumble and heartbreak you experience. Others will question everything you do. It’s part and parcel of the deal.

In the end, though, what we have is a couple who is ending their relationship in a very public way. Regardless of my opinions about their relationship and parenting choices, I can’t help but watch their faces and see so much that is familiar.

I saw it months ago, the lack of physical contact, the emotional detachment, the harsh words that were only half-joking. They got further and further from each other. Soon, that interview couch could not have been long enough.

Eyes were swollen. Walls were up. The end was near.

They stopped joint interviews. Each took his/her turn with the cameras. The end was imminent.

The time they spent together with the children reminded me of the parallel play of toddlers. Functioning in the same space, but barely aware of the existence of the other. No empathy. No connection.

Now it’s over.

Watching last night’s episode reminded me so much of my experience over the last six months. The grief. The hurt. The regret. Playing things over and over in my head. Picking things apart to figure out where we went wrong. What I did. What he did. What we did.

I could see it in them and I hurt for them. I also know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I have two little lights and they have the good fortune to have eight of them. The kids.

So, for the kids, I give Jon and Kate the following advice. Many of it came from the therapists and classes I’ve been to and the books I read, so I won’t claim original authorship by any stretch. Nonetheless, I see many parallels between the Gosselin’s post-split parenting plan and ours, so I’ll share the things that have been especially pertinent in our case.

1. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about them. Put the blame aside and think of the kids in every decision you make. What’s best for them may be a pain in the a$$ for you. Suck it up and deal.

2. If you were frustrated by the lack of control you had in your relationship before, be prepared to have even less. He will have his rules and routines and she will have hers. Structure is good and organic is great, but I can’t find any cases of death-by-breakfast-for-dinner.

3. Be flexible. Kids have this funny way of growing up. Their needs will change over time and so will yours. The arrangements you make now will need to shift at least every six months. Set up basic principles and guidelines to be fair, but expect that things will change.

4. Give before you take. If you expect flexibility, patience, and trust from your co-parent, you’ll need to give it first. You don’t have to be a doormat, but you don’t need to be a scorekeeper either.

5. Be prepared to communicate more than you ever did when you were married. Every hand-off will bring updates on who is up to what, schedules, activities, illnesses, boo-boos, school reports and more. Find a way that works for you. If talking doesn’t work, do it by e-mail. Don’t expect your kids to play messenger, they’ll get the emotions right (e.g., your hurt, anger, and distrust) and the facts wrong, neither of which is good.

6. Be the grown up. Yes, you’re both hurting and divorce is inevitably painful. (It should be. If it wasn’t, everyone would do it.) But venting to your kids or around your kids is not the answer. Be careful how you talk about your ex, even when you think the kids aren’t in earshot. Don’t be afraid to ask well-meaning friends and family to hold off on their editorials. It’s okay to let your kids know that you’re sad, but they need to know that you’re both going to be okay. They need to know that THEY’RE going to be okay. If you need help coping with the situation, get a therapist, meet a friend for lunch, take a walk.

7. Be sure to take care of yourself. Use the time away from the kids to recharge your batteries. Trust that your co-parent has things under control and, although things may not be handled the way that you would do them, the kids are going to be fine. The best gift you can give your kids right now is a happy and healthy mom and dad.

As the season progresses, I am sure there will be plenty of armchair experts out there who will analyze every move they make throughout this whole process. Will the decision to share the household work? Will Jon opt to leave for a job out of state? Will the show remain interesting without the constant tension on the sofa interviews? Are the kids getting too staged?

I’m going to stay out of that. I’m going to wish the Gosselins well and hope they find the healing they need.

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Chicago on Wednesday became the first U.S. city to adopt a ban on the sale of baby bottles and sippy cups containing the chemical BPA.

The Chicago City Council approved the ban on a 48-0 vote and a spokeswoman for Mayor Richard M. Daley said he intends to sign it. The ban is slated to take effect Jan. 31, 2010.

BPA, or Bispheol A, is a chemical used to make plastics.  Exposure to it is known to mimic hormones and cause a host of chemical disruptions as well as reproductive harm in the body.  It has been in the news frequently in the last year or so, concerning manufacturing of water and baby bottles; it’s use in the production of PVC, flame retardants and the coatings of the insides of food and beverage cans, among other things.

Other places to ban BPA: Suffolk County in New York, Minnesota and the entire country of Canada.

Despite the obvious, proven effects BPA has on humans, the FDA and the chemicals industry claim products with the chemical are safe.

Chicago’s ordinance requires retailers to post notices declaring that products they sell do not contain BPA. Violators could be fined up to $100 or more per offense and could lose their licenses.

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It says, “Eight-to 12-year-olds in this country already spend more than $40 million a month on beauty products, and teens spend another $100 million.” $40 million a MONTH on lip gloss, hairspray and glittery nail polish? These girls aren’t even old enough for Clearasil. This is nuts.

But, make up? No. Not yet. One day, there will be mascara on those lashes and shadow on those lids. That day is a long way in the future. I’m not going to commit to a particular birthday just yet. We’ll see.

So, what is the appropriate age to glam up (beyond dress-up play, I mean)?

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The Japanese government, in it’s mercy, gave the girl a choice. Stay in Japan with your aunt and continue your studies and social development, or leave everything you’ve ever known and go with your parents to a foreign country to start again.

She chose her country. Or at least that’s the way the media’s telling the story.

I have three issues with this story. One is that these parents are being portrayed as being heartless and disconnected. The second is the controversy over their deportation. Finally, the fact that this is newsworthy.

As a parent, I would do everything I could to give my kids the best life I could. Would that mean illegally immigrating into a country so they can have a better education and more opportunities? To be honest, I might. It would depend on the options and prospects I had where I was, the likelihood that I could immigrate through legal channels, and a host of other factors.

If I were her parents, I would have pushed her to stay in Japan. Yes, it would break my heart to leave her behind, but denying her the opportunities I worked hard to give her would mean that the sacrifice I made in the first place would be for naught. She’s with family, after all. And, although I wouldn’t be able to come back to see her, there’s no barring her from visiting me. And, there’s these little things out there called video chats and skype that can keep them connected, no matter the miles.

Would I be upset about being deported? Sure. But, I would have had to accept the consequence for coming into the country illegally, as do these parents. It’s not as if it was a surprise. All the meritorious service in the world does not guarantee clemency.

While I am not insensitive to the plight of this family, a part of me wonders why this is so newsworthy. After all, families of all nationalities are being split up in our immigration system every day here in the states. Is the fact that it’s happening in Japan a shock? I’m sure it happens in Europe, Canada and all over the globe. Sometimes the rules split families apart. It sucks. No doubt. So, why does this case merit so much attention?

So, what do you think? What would you have done?

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Rainbow Connection - Kermit

Circa 1979.

Before 911. Before Hurricane Katrina. Before global warming. Before Chernobyl. Before houses worth became less than what we paid for them. Before the age of too much information. Before OJ allegedly (cough, cough) murdered his wife and an innocent bystander, before the Oklahoma City bombing, before the Columbine masacre, before Princess Diana died in a car crash, before the Rwandan Genocide, before Tianamen Square, the Challenger Explosion, Branch Davidians, Rodney King, the Asian Tsunami and several wars.

Ah. Those were simpler times, weren’t they? Seems like, even though catastrophes happened, they were just more spread out and you didn’t dwell on it so much, no?

Don’t you wish your children or grandchildren didn’t face such uncertain times and responsibilites? What obstacles and disasters are they going to be faced with? Makes me never want my children to leave the nest.

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“It’s attracting kids too young to want to expose parts of their body to show off tattoos,”

Does it have a tinge of over-sexualization? Are we becoming too desensitized or are we overreacting? I must confess, I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. Should I? So she’s got tats and a tattoo ‘gun’. They come off. Is it the message of over-exposure that’s getting to everyone? Or, rather, exposure to non-age appropriate situations and ideas?

How many of you had stick-on tattoos when you were kids? Do your kids have them?

Is this as big of a deal as some make it out to be? Do you see a problem with this particular Barbie?

Quite frankly, I’m a little more concerned and creeped out by the pregnant barbie whose baby just kind of falls out of her stomach….

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In Ohio, the Cleveland Clinic has seen a 50 percent increase in vasectomies since last October, when the economic crisis exploded.

Jones was told by patients that they were getting vasectomies because they were losing their jobs and health insurance, or concerned about being out of work soon….They realize they don’t have the financial security long-term with what’s going on.

It’s not just men having this ‘permanent’ birth control, women are having procedures done too-tubal litigation’s as well as abortions.

Planned Parenthood of Illinois clinics performed an all-time high number of abortions in January, many of them motivated by the women’s economic worries, said CEO Steve Trombley

Experts say it’s too early to tell if this will negatively impact the national birth rate, though note that during the Depression and previous times of economic downturns, the birthrate “did go down”.

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Really?

Really?!?!

Is it easier to impart basic wisdom to our kids about where babies come from than it is to explain basic concepts of finance?

I’m not so sure that I agree. After all, both topics have a few things in common. Along with politics, they’re both on the list of taboo dinner table conversations. They’re both things that an employer can’t ask about in an interview. We spend a lot of time avoiding conversations about these topics with other people because, frankly, it’s none of their bloody business.

Sex and money can also be very technical or very simple. You can talk all about vaginas, penises, fallopian tubes, menstruation, sperm and the like if you want. Or, you can keep it basic and use nicknames. What parent hasn’t done the “a man put his pee pee into a woman’s hoo-ha and sometimes that makes a baby” explanation in the middle of dinner/a grocery store/Sunday School (okay, maybe not at that last one for most of us, but some of us have to explain the concept of a virgin birth every once in awhile).

Finances aren’t that much different. How many of us avoided business-track majors in college because taking accounting was enough to drive us into less number-driven majors. The thought of balance sheets, amortizations, and accrued interest puts my stomach in knots. That said, some of the best financial discussions I had growing up were the most simple. I thank my dad for gems of wisdom like…

“Is it a want, or a need?”

“Don’t spend more than you make.”

“Always put as much money into things that will make you money, not lose you money.”

“It’s always good to want. It makes you work harder.”

My five year old isn’t quite old enough for an allowance just yet, but the financial lessons have already started. At school, she’s learning that not all money is the same. It takes five pennies to make a nickel, two nickles to make a dime, and so on. The lessons have started at home as well.

Boo: I want (this toy), Mommy.

Me: We’ll put it on your Christmas list, sweetie. Please put it back.

Boo: But Christmas isn’t unil December. It’s Mahwch*. That’s for-eeeeeeever.

Me: It’ll be here before you know it.

Boo: I want it NOW!

Me: Boo, we don’t have the money for it now. It’s good to want. (See how I’m channeling my dad here?)

Boo: You can go to the DOLLAR LOAN CENTER Mommy! They just give money away.

Me: Uh, no. They don’t.

This little pronouncement earned our progeny a sit down on the couch with mom AND dad. You’d think she’d flipped the bird at the parish priest.

In the immortal words of Ming Ming the duck, “This is serious!”

We explained how these day loan centers work. We told her that people can borrow money there, but in the end, they end up paying more for that money than they borrowed in the first place. Getting money from these places isn’t smart and it’s much better to save money so we can buy what we want with the money we have.

Now when we drive around town, she can still spot these places a mile away, but her exclamations have changed.

Boo: Mommy there’s one of those Dollar Loan Centers. They’re bad. We don’t go in there.

Now, if talking about boys were that simple.

*My daughter was born in Vegas and has lived no where else. Yet she talks with a Brooklyn accent. Some things I will never understand.

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Hudgens’ plan, which was co-sponsored by several other senators, would limit the number of embryos a doctor could implant to two for women under 40 years old and three for women 40 or older.

Obviously, some people are against this, some doctors claiming it would ’shut them down’:

At least some fertility doctors say the limits in Hudgens’ bill would hurt chances for women to get pregnant. They say that while three embryos are usually enough, there are special cases when they need more.

“What this bill will effectively do is shut us down,” said Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a fertility doctor in Atlanta.

In regards to the Suleman case more than the proposed bill, I have nothing against single mothers or big families and I would never tell anyone what they should do, but I tend to think there absolutely should be a limit to the number of embryos to be implanted. That’s just my opinion.

Most of us can barely take care of or afford one or two kids, let alone eight at one time.

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The relationship that I thought was going to last forever has fallen apart, largely at my own hands.

Friends and family are taking sides.

Stuff is being divided.

Schedules are being drawn up.

Lawyers and therapists and judges, oh my!

Mommy needs a drink. And in a bad way.

But is it okay? Have I earned it? Am I sending my kids a message that by knocking a few back, I’m going to make things better? I know that pomegranate martini I’m lusting for isn’t going to fix my marriage, nor will it keep my mother from telling me that I’m making the worst mistake of my life.

But gosh darn it, it sure as hell would taste REALLY good about now.

Paul Clarke posted this piece in The New York Times this week. He explores the impacts of adult alcohol consumption in the presence of children. He observes that, for many of us, our initial exposure to the delicious delight is as a drug, not a a drink. With underage partiers stowing stolen bottles in cars for late-night bonfires and house parties with parents in absentia. The thrill of doing something “bad” and not getting caught adds a new dimension to consumption - one that makes the drink into more of an “act” than merely a beverage.

I was raised in a home where, like the author, there was really no mystique about alcohol. Dad would have the occasional screwdriver at a wedding or card party at the house. We always had Southern Comfort on hand for my Grandma Freda to sip while she taught me how to play King’s Corners. Mom was never afraid to douse spaghetti and lasagna sauces with a giant jug of Gallo, while spilling a bit into a tumbler to quench her thirst while cooking.

I was always allowed a taste, but the flavor never did too much for me. I still can’t explain how I’m half-Canadian and I can’t stand the taste of beer (sorry Moosehead, I’ll pass). Yes, I had a fake ID (Sorry Mom! I’ve disappointed you yet again.), but my desire was for access to where my of-age friends were, not the drink itself. Although I was known to tie one on every now and again, I was the one who was usually holding some poor sorority sister’s ponytail while she prayed to the porcelain goddess. I saw firsthand the price for overindulgence, and experienced my share of it now and again.

So how do I handle it now that I have kids? Yes, Homer and I drink in front of our kids. We jokingly refer to it as “mommy juice” and “daddy juice.” When they get old enough, we’ll probably let them have a sip now and again, like our parents did for us. Do I expect them to make stupid mistakes with alcohol? Of course. But I am responsible for teaching our kids that all food and drinks can be okay in moderation and enjoyed responsibly.

After all, too many Oreos means that I’m holding another ponytail over the porcelain goddess. This time, though it’s on a five year old.

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The studies they cite show that toddlers who are given clues to find hidden objects via TV are less successful at finding the objects than the children who are given the clues in person. They summarize by saying:

“So while toddlers can understand what’s going on on TV, they don’t think about what they see on TV the same way older kids and adults do. They don’t connect it back to the real things they encounter in their world, so they can’t learn from TV. Whatever it is your toddler gets from watching TV, these researchers say, it’s not learning.”

I see this phenomenon in my kids clearly. They can both watch an episode of Play with me Sesame and have very different experiences. When my 5 year-old daughter watches the program, she gets up, sings along, dances, and responds to the character’s questions. When my nearly two-year-old son watched the same program alone the other day, he sat mesmerized by the 20-minute program - the lights, the colors, the sounds, but he clearly didn’t appreciate the humor and didn’t understand when to sing and dance with the monstery muppets. When the two of them watch together, I used to think that my son mimicked the program, but now I’m realizing that he was modeling his response after his sister.

So, why do we park our toddler’s in front of the boob tube if it’s not really enhancing their cognitive development? Why are products like Baby Einstein still a staple in nearly every baby shower across the country? Well, while I don’t expect my toddler’s brain to get bigger with Elmo’s help, he is entertained and out of my hair for about 20 minutes while I can change my clothes and start dinner.

After all, it’s not as if I’m telling him to play with my steak knives, right?

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Don’t get me wrong, I think some government regulations make sense. After all, without them we probably wouldn’t have car seats, kids would have limbs stuck in cribs and clothing with drawstrings may still be choking our little ones.

This time, I think Congress has jerked their knees and thrown some good babies out with the bathwater. It appears that the relative risk from used clothing and toys is fairly minimal for the amount of work required to test for it. Not only will this new law effect consignment store owners and those who buy from and sell to them, it also hits your local thrift shops and the nonprofits that rely on them for income to support community services. It appears there may be ramifications for garage sales and home crafters who sell their wares.

Be sure to check out The Simple Dollar for more details. If you’re concerned, you may want to hit your local consignment shop to buy and sell before it goes into effect on Feb. 10.

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To be honest, the thought of bringing my 5 year-old Boo to the office makes me shudder. And let’s not talk about her 1.5 year old little bro, the Doodlenator. In my case, it would bring my productivity to a complete standstill - even if there was on-site daycare.

You see, I’m pretty much a work/home separator kind of personality. I don’t really dump my baggage from the office on my husband or kids and I try to keep the family intrusions at the office to a minimum. Yes, there are times that I have to finish a project at home, or handle a conference call from my couch while doling out OJ to a sick kid as she watches Sesame Street. And there are times that I need to shut my door for a parent-teacher discussion while I’m at work. But hauling my two bipedal hurricanes to the office on a regular basis? Hell-to-the-no!

I see how it could work for some folks. It would really depend on the nature of your work, the nature of your kids, and your bosses’ support of a “family friendly” work environment. I’m also a bit sensitive to my colleagues who aren’t married or don’t have kids. After all, do they need my little germ factories playing peek a boo around their desks? If I can bring my progeny to the office, why can’t they bring their four-legged kids in? To me, it just opens up a pandoa’s box.

What do you think? What’s your office policy? What would happen if they opened the flood gates and let your kids in?

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Yep. I’m feelin’ ya.

I’ve been wrangling with the Catholic Church’s position and mine for years. I’ve pretty much racked it up to “let’s agree to disagree” and it’s become one of those bones of contention that I pretty much ignore unless directly challenged by it (which is largely why my husband and I opted out of a ministry that was actively supporting California’s Prop 8).

When I got to page 32 of the magazine, I stopped. This is what I read. It’s the story of Janet Jenkins and Lisa Miller. Actually, it’s the story of their daughter Isabella.

Here’s what it boils down to: Janet meets Lisa at an AA meeting. They fall in love. They get married in Vermont, who recognizes same sex unions (yea!). They decide to have a child together. Lisa volunteers her uterus to host the chils. Welome Baby Isabella. Seventeen months later, Lisa and Janet split. Lisa moves back to her hometown and, with the help of her pastor brother, has a personal epiphany that homosexuality is a sin and rejects her former life. She refuses to allow Isabella to visit her other mom, violating numerous court orders along the way. Because Lisa’s new home state does not recognize same sex unions, the courts are a bit up in arms over that Janet’s parental rights are.

The Newsweek piece articulates the legal implications much better than I can, but what really makes me sad is the taffy pull that must be going on in the child’s head and heart. I can only imagine what it must be like to be told that your mom is pervert and a sinner by your other mom. I can’t even begin to grasp the agony Lisa must feel over the separation from her child. At the same time, I can appreciate Janet’s well-intentioned, but misplaced passion for protecting her child.

There are no easy answers here. I don’t envy the judges in this case. It’s gonna take a Christmas miracle to resolve this one. For Isabella’s sake, here’s hoping.

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We went through a similar process when naming our two. We have a rather challenging Polish last name, so we wanted to keep the first name somewhat simple and easy to spell. Our criteria also included:

No names of SUVs: Sorry Sierra, Dakota, Tahoe, etc. You belong in a garage, not a crib.
No brand names: Apple, Armani, or Chanel. I agree with these folks - As much as I love Steve jobs, there will be no product placement in the nursery please.
Avoid names of slutty or women of angst as captured in song. We’re big Cake fans, but this killed Jolene and Daria from our list. This also kills Roxanne.
No stripper names: Really, with toys like these on the market, do we really need to strap her to the tracks with “Chastity” or “Destiny”?

So, now that I’ve probably ticked off at least half of the people who read this, tell me. What are/were your criteria for picking a name?

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Everyone I’ve talked to is planning a for a skinnier Santa this year. We’ve opted for one larger family gift for us with only two to three smaller items for the kids. Most of our friends are getting memberships to support some of our favorite local organizations that need support more than ever.

Homer and I have not even begun to consider gifts for ourselves. It appears we’re not alone. According to a New York Times article this week, more and more parents are opting to shun their own desires to give their kids the best Christmas they can afford.

The concept of self-sacrifice isn’t anything new. Most of us would starve lest to see our offspring experience a pang of hunger or the disappointment of an empty stocking on Christmas morn.

If times weren’t as tough as they are, what would be on your Christmas list?

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We’re weeks away and the onslaught of “I wants” is almost more than I can handle. We’ve held her at bay with “we’ll put it on your list.” and “You can ask Santa.” We’ve let her practice her writing and drawing and scissor-skills by circling, cutting and pasting desired objets d’fun onto constuction paper. But, in this economy, we, like other families, are scaling back.

How do we tell the resident princess that Santa’s sleigh will be a little lighter this year?
Alina Tungend from the New York Times filed a story last week about breaking bad financial news to your child. Most of the advice she gathered points to an honest, but age-appropriate approach.

While we are very fortunate to be relatively financially secure, we know how tenuous life can be. All it takes is an unexpected layoff, a medical crisis, or a bad accident to go from good luck to dire straits. We’re trying to manage our little Boo’s expectations and instill nonmaterialistic values in her along the way. After all, some of the best toys are the simplest and it’s not the toy that matters, it’s all about the imagination.

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There haven’t been children this age in the White House since Bill Clinton took office and Chelsea was just twelve, and not this young since Amy Carter, who was nine when her dad took office.  Recalling all the Chelsea-bashing, I would love to pull those Obama girls aside and tell them they should ask for a LOT more than a puppy.   Especially Malia, who will be going through those gawky pre-teen years in the public eye.  I still cringe at the thought of those Saturday Night Live skits that made fun of Chelsea’s braces and, OK, let’s just say it, unfortunate looks.  Of course, now Chelsea is a lovely and intelligent young woman who could probably afford to hire a Saturday Night Live actor to clean her carpet if she wanted, so there is obviously some kind of justice.  I’m just hoping that everyone learned their lesson and leaves those poor Obama girls alone.  Do you really need to pick on children, Media?  Have you nothing better to do? 

Though no matter what happens, this is a lose-lose proposition for Malia and Sasha.  If they are obnoxious or geeky or spoiled the public will jump right on it.  If they are polite and articulate, every parent in the country will be hissing to their children when they act up “Why can’t you behave like the Obama girls?” and all the kids in the country will hate them. 

They should EACH be getting a puppy that will magically turn into a Ferrari when they turn 16. 

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Okay, while The Imperfect Parent strives to be non-partisan, we thought we’d give our readers a rare opporunity on this blog to express their opinions and give you a forum to support and respectfully debate the current issues leading to a critical decision this pending election.

Please keep in mind, — be civil and respectful and remember, just because someone has negative or opposing opinions about your candidate, doesn’t mean they’re a “bad” person or that they’re dumb. The only dumb people are those who don’t vote. Be there or be square on Tuesday, November 4th and post your reactions here.

Happy politicking.

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UPDATE:
Who wants to predict the outcome? Will we know today or even at the end of the week? Could this decision change everyone’s life forever?

Also, be sure to check out Julie’s new column today, to see who’s voice she’s really missing right now.

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