The Imperfect Parent in all her parening glory

A few weeks ago, I traveled to Florida for a trade show. I was there 10 days and I only called my children on the 4th day after my husband reminded me that I was a still a mother and that the kids might get a kick out of talking to me.

The truth is, although I love my boys to death, I hadn’t really thought about them. I was incredibly busy and quite frankly, I was having too much fun being a grownup without responsibilities, besides the fact that I knew they were well cared for. While being a mother is a significant and vital part of my identity, it’s not all that I am. My friends without children think I’m an awesome mom. The other moms they know hardly go out and have nothing in common with them. They don’t feel that with me. Sometimes I feel as if I have more in common with childless women than I do with other moms. One of my childless, single friends recently described me as, “An excellent mother, but not a “mommy-mommy.” When I pressed her for the underlying meaning of that — wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or offended — she said I was just like her mom, preferring to take my kids to the Lancôme counter rather than play hide-and-go-seek.

Lest I be accused of being an inadequate or uninvolved mother, I actually do enjoy being a mother, but I like to assume that role in a way that suits me and not society’s stereotype. I hardly ever miss my older son’s basketball games nor do I go out that often, and I’m always there to do homework with my kids and eat dinner together. On the contrary, my husband thinks I spoil the kids, which may be a result of my trying to make up for my guilt over my shirking the typical mom role.

I enjoy working. I enjoy having a career and I love business. I love art and music and fashion and movies and I like to go out with my girlfriends and reminisce about childless days. I like my alone time and I enjoy quiet times most of all. I get extreme anxiety when my kids fight with each other. Other children? I have zero interest in other people’s children. I enjoy speaking to parents who make their children only 25% of the conversation and I enjoy my kids more and more as they get older. The early days of building blocks and Blues Clues were almost torturous for me. I cannot relate to the mom who has simply resigned herself to sweatpants and no makeup, whose world revolves around the sun rising and falling on their childrens’ mood.

While I would gladly die for my children, I’m not willing to be somebody that I’m not in order to give them that “mommy-mommy” experience. If my identity is being a mother, who will I be when my children are gone? In some ways, I think my views on motherhood may benefit my boys because they will, hopefully, see mothers as accomplishing more than child rearing.

So, what kind of mother are you? Doting? Will you do anything possible to save your child from being sad? Is it your whole life? Or, are you the kind of mother that looks forward to sleep away camp and has babysitters on speed dial?

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Addressing an envelope and placing a stamp on it or looking up a word in the dictionary may be old-school at this point, but this is a problem:

Second-graders who can’t tie shoes or zip jackets. Four-year-olds in Pull-Ups diapers. Five-year-olds in strollers. Teens and preteens befuddled by can openers and ice-cube trays. College kids who’ve never done laundry, taken a bus alone or addressed an envelope.

Are they a product of our society’s current weirdness- a handicap of helicopter parents, non-existent or barely existing boundaries? Just general over protection? Or is it a case of technology taking over menial tasks? Or both?

We’re looking at kids who can’t use a can opener, get ice out of the tray, who don’t have any chores around the house (and aren’t expected to). We’re creating/molding kids that aren’t able to do anything for themselves-dependent and passive:

Susan Maushart, a mother of three, says her teenage daughter “literally does not know how to use a can opener. Most cans come with pull-tops these days. I see her reaching for a can that requires a can opener, and her shoulders slump and she goes for something else.”

It’s true we don’t have to ‘tend the farm’ much anymore, and those sort of skill sets are a bit outdated, but you can still learn to use the can opener, even if it is electronic. Although, that might be deemed ‘too dangerous’ for kids these days. After all, kids aren’t allowed to use butter knives in some schools because it could be a potential weapon. (Remember that episode of Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution where the school kids were using spoons and their hands to eat? Yeahhh.)

Set boundaries! Give your kids chores! Say no if you have to! Tell them to put down the phone/game/etc., go outside and learn stuff. Or clean up their room. Or the dishes.

(For the record, my kid can use a can opener, uses a real-deal butter knife and fork to eat-gasp! the danger!-and she’s starting to get chores. We’re starting small, though, since she’s 6)

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The pumpkins start coming in and the crisp apples. Pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins, quick breads. All kinds of squash, cider.
And! – The crockpot! I’m loving it. It’s just so dang easy. You can put anything in there- forget about it for a few hours, come back and you have a most delicious meal. I’ve been visiting A Year of Slow Cooking pretty regularly.

A few days ago, I thought maybe I’d make some sweet potato muffins (which were super yummy) and sneak the sweet potato in so my daughter would never know. She caught me putting those things in and promptly declared: I am not having any! Sweet potatoes are yucky!!
You don’t know what you’re missing kid!

Kind of puts a damper on your enthusiasm for cooking when your kid is the pickiest eater on the planet. At least, it seems so.

Delicious three cheese broccoli soup?
No way!
Even with the yummy cheese? Pretty please?
Uh-uh.

Mo-om, what are these green things in the muffins? Zucchini?
No, no. They’re apples, baby, apples.

It’s always a challenge to get the girl to eat actual, healthy food. What are some of your tips and tricks to get the kids to eat their veggies and just healthier in general?

The post Fall Cooking & the Picky Eater appeared first on Imperfect Parent.

The question took me by surprise, as I think it may be the first time my son has asked it in his 12 years on the planet. But there he was, caring about his appearance as he was about to embark on a new school year.

I should have seen it coming — as that first day of school neared, there was a definite new trend in the way back-to-school shopping was conducted. Previously it involved fulfilling the supply list with whatever was on sale, buying jeans and t-shirts and socks in bulk, and calling it a day. Not this year. No, the shopping process stretched from its normal couple of days into a couple of weeks, as clothes were given a skeptical eye (and to my amazement we were now in the “Men’s” department instead of “Kids'”), the backpack down to the folders had to meet a specified “cool” quotient, and we found ourselves making an exchange when somehow a certain shirt became “out” between the time of purchase and its travel home.

Such is the right of passage midway through middle school (that I once heard referred to as the “puberty quarantine zone”), when the 6th graders at his particular school leave their isolated wing to join the masses of kids ranging in all sorts of shapes and sizes and levels of development, and now the morning routine takes a while longer as he makes sure his Justin Bieber-inspired shaggy haircut is perfectly in place and his clothes match, and I sit in dread of the day I click on his Facebook profile and see that he’s “in a relationship.”

“Well, how do I look?”

You look… older.

This post sponsored by Target

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The key is routine and habit. They say you must be consistent and patient to teach a puppy a new command and when you think about it, toddlers are a lot like puppies. They don’t have a lot of respect for their surroundings and that’s where involved parenting comes in.

When a toddler is finished eating, it is important to tell him/her what to do with their plate and cup in steps. First, we must associate the act with the common goal. Tell them, “You need to clean up when we’re finished eating,” or “You need to put your toys away after you’re finished playing with them.” Some moms have also claimed success by teaching their toddlers that they must put one toy away before they start playing with another, or having a “3 toys out at a time” rule. Whatever you decide to manageable and work within your lifestyle, again the key is to be consistent.

For cleaning up after meal times, tell them step by step what it is that you want them to do, “Bring your cup and plate to the kitchen sink please.” And just like a puppy, praise them when they’ve done a good job, “That’s great Joey/Josephine. I am proud of you!”

Some parents make fun games out of clean up time. You can make up a song. Our old standby was Barney’s, “Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do your share!” But you can make up your own lyrics, such as, “Don’t be a hillbilly, why ya got to be so silly?”

Some kids may learn this behavior quickly and have a natural inclination to be clean while others may resemble Pig-Pen, the stinky, smelly Peanuts character who was happier than a pig in slop, in which case you may have repeat steps… wash, rinse, repeat over and over. Some parents may also wish to give rewards beyond praise and pat on the head and dole out a nickel, dime or quarter for a job well done, but just remember, these behaviors are such that should be expected and not necessarily rewarded as something above and beyond. We all must do our part to maintain a healthy and happy home. Perhaps the most effective for behavior modification is a reward chart. You can make one yourself. No need to buy a fancy one from the store, you can find interactive, printable behavior charts for free online.

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Is it appropriate? Is it safe? Is three years old too young? I personally think it’s too young, but that is my opinion. Do I let my own daughter wear heels? Well, she has a pair of Barbie shoes that have, like, a half-inch heel on them. She wears them, but there are certain rules that go along with wearing them: no running, no climbing stairs and she can’t wear them all day. I understand the dress up aspect-just about every little girl has gone into their mother’s closets and tried on some heels.

Some doctors are more concerned with the effect one-inch-plus heels could have on developing kids’ feet-

Unlike other trends, heels pose physical risks that include a tightening of the heel cord and changes in the growth plate.

Would you let your toddler wear high-heels?

The post Toddlers In Heels? Really? appeared first on Imperfect Parent.

After 14 uninterrupted hours of childcare, making the transition from Diego and diaper cream to Jim Lehrer and Paul Krugman is an exhausting prospect. If I ever muster the energy to investigate what is going on in the world outside the baby bunker, I find it impossible not to see that world through the deceptively warped lens of how my children fit into it.

I would love nothing more than to write an insightful article about healthcare reform, but I’m dumb now. Anything I write relating to healthcare would end up as a screed about why my children have to take a back seat on getting their flu shots to a bunch of kids with “respiratory disorders.” Why are kids who can’t breathe right so much more important than my own kids? My kids love to breathe, and they’re good at it, and they should be rewarded for their aptitude in breathing.

The post Does parenting make you dumb or just ignorant? appeared first on Imperfect Parent.

He will be known as a sexual predator who used his riches and fame to escape the hand of the law.

Yes. It is a shame that such a brilliant talent will go down like that.

A bigger shame is that he’s gotten away with it for so long.

As a survivor of sexual crimes, it makes me ill to see that he’s never fully acknowledged his crime or served the penalty for victimizing a 13-year-old girl.

As a mother of a 5-year-old girl, it makes me sick think that we have not eliminated people like this from society. I constantly worry about someone taking her innocence as mine was.

As a citizen of the world, it makes me nauseous that France and Poland are asking the United States to turn a blind eye to this man’s crimes because they occurred more than 35 years ago.

While time gives us perspective on life, it may not heal all wounds, especially these kinds of wounds.

The irony of the situation does not escape me. Polanski’s mother died in a concentration camp. Would the crimes against his family been more forgivable if they had been at the hand of a brilliant German artist? Are the crimes of the Holocaust any less heinous because they occurred more than 75 years ago? How can he and those that defend him not see this? Of, if they do see it, ignore it and claim that hampering Polanski’s artistic potential is more important than justice for his victim?

Does it matter that Polanski used drugs and alcohol to coerce his victim instead of a gun or a knife?

I’m sorry Whoopi Goldberg and Martin Scorsese. Rape is rape. He took her innocence. He’s gotten away with it. He needs to serve his time.

The only thing that’s more disgusting than people defending Polanski’s actions is the energy that’s been expended on this particular case. How many other children are voiceless victims of sexual predators?

According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics:

• 67 percent of all victims of sexual assault were juveniles
• One out of seven victims in reported sexual assaults are under six
• Convicted rape and sexual assault offenders serving time in State prisons report that two-thirds of their victims were under the age of 18, and 58% of those–or nearly 4 in 10 imprisoned violent sex offenders–said their victims were aged 12 or younger.
• In 90% of the rapes of children less than 12 years old, the child knew the offender.

That should make you sick.

If you’re a parent, think of your child’s class. There are probably 30 or so kids in that room. By the time they finish high school, how many of them will have their innocence stolen by someone they trusted.

We have a choice here. We can keep the spotlight on Roman Polanski and hold him accountable, or we can focus our energies on protecting out kids from people like him. As much as I’d love to see him pay his price,

I have to choose prevention over punishment. One more victim is one too many.

Learn more about what you can do to keep our kids safe at organizations like Prevent Child Abuse America or The Child Abuse Prevention Association or an organization near you.

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