Nathan and I are definitely poster children (poster adults?) for quiet joy of happy company. And so I wrote……

It’s February 13, the eve to Valentine’s Day.  Ahhhh, it’s so romantic.  Now, for Real life.

Over-romanticized versus Romantic

I believe that many people have an over-romanticized view of married life.  That’s so sad, because, it can never meet their expectations and then they feel that they have failed.  Not so, only unrealistic expectations. Stuff happens. It happens to us all. It’s not a about smoothly dancing through life it’s about dancing around all that gets in your way—-gracefully with good cheer.

Let me give a slice out of my very happy married life that isn’t typically “romantic” —- not even smooth or without disappointments.  Here is goes:

My cousin in-law wanted to show her mother (in town from the East Coast) Nathan’s art work.  So we invited them for dinner.  How lovely — of me to invite them when Nathan is the cook. He is always so good natured about my volunteering his chef services.

Last-Minute Cancellation

It was 4:30pm when we got the call that Mom had wrenched her back and had to be sitting on the plane for 6 hours tomorrow on the way home.  Dinner cancelled. Oh no, the smells were already wafting through the house: Eggplant parmesan, roasted little potatoes, already in their big casserole dishes.   Did I mention I was already getting hungry?

I called our son. Did he want to come over? No. I couldn’t think of anyone else to call so late.

I said: “Stop the cooking and we’ll worry about it tomorrow.  Do you want to go to the movies?”

He said: “Yes, I really want to see the Hurt Locker; it got great reviews.”

I think: “Oh, no, I don’t want to see that–too much violence.”

He said: “How about Inglorious Bastards?”

I think: “This is not going well.”

I’m ready to give in and see the Hurt Locker, but the pain onmy face must have been too clear and Nathan said he didn’t want to go to the movies tonight.

See, this is real life

Shall we eat in or go out?  This was a question that I could answer–easily.

I said, “We need to go out.”

He said: Okay, I want to go to the 8oz Burger Bar on Melrose. What a relief. It was something he wanted that I have resisted. I’m not a burger kind of gal, usually. Nathan wanted to try their veggie burger.

We went.  We shared a veggie burger and garlic potato fries, and I got grilled artichoke and delicious broccoli to round out the meal with a glass of sauvignon blanc to share.

The music was too loud. The restaurant was clearly going for the under 35 crowd. Nathan and I must have raised the average age by 10, maybe 20, maybe more years.

Food, the Important Stuff

Definitely the Way to my Heart is Through my Stomach.

The food was delicious. They always say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and that’s how it works for me as well.  Food calms me down and a bit of wine heightens my mood. If I have to choose between the food or the wine, food will win every time, unless I just ate.  It’s almost Valentine’s Day; see how romantic I get.

Afterwards, we went for a walk along Melrose to walk off the food..  It was more lively this evening, cause it was before 8pm and the stores were open. We went into Wasteland, a large, trendy store of retro clothing to browse. The store was definitely not making money from us. What I saw  that I liked wasn’t even for sales; it was an interesting partition made of wooden hangers—very cool.

We kept walking and passed a store called Street Sounds, 7704 Melrose Ave, the second DJ shop in Southern California. There was a T shirt in the window that said “I  (pix of) heart, (pix of) house, (pix of) musical notes–(I love house music).  It’s the ‘house’ that didn’t make sense, so I went into the store (empty at the moment) and asked the owner what it meant.  Apparently there is a musical genre called house music. Okay, so we’re out of touch.  We ended up having a wonderful conversation with this man who is of  the Bahai faith from Iran –coming about 30 years ago to go to college here. We got his whole story and Nate amused him with this standard stories.

Repetition Proves my Membership in the Nostalgia Club

You know after 42 years married, I’ve stopped even counting how many times I’ve heard the same story.  It used to bother me as repetitive and boring, but now I am bemused by it as predictability and like a secret handshake that I know.

We walked back to our car and went home.  At home, we each went to our own computer to check our email. Now that’s a real Valentines’ Eve.  Enough time with you, now I’m heading into the other room.  “Nathan, here I come.”

What Do You Think?

Do you have any experience with letting go of your expectations of your partner and your overly romaticized view of relationship and life in general. ? I’d love to hear your success stories!

I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog post!

After all, with “3-step Transform your Relationship” course, I want to create a more purposeful web presence. And I like the idea of having me and my husband as an example of what’s possible between couples and as an example of what the ImperfectSpouse.com Web site is designed to achieve.

Some Things Are Simply Typical….

Nathan (my hubby), who is an artist photographer, wouldn’t take the time or effort to set up a tripod and take our picture together. Instead he set me up sideways against the white background (the kitchen cabinets) to take my photo, and then he had me take a similar picture of him.

This was Nathan’s way of doing things. Instead of arguing, I just went along. After all, it might work. I’ve learned it’s not about getting what you want; it’s about the cost of getting what you want. When the price is too high, I don’t always want it. It’s not about making him happy; it’s about having a very clear sense of what makes ME happy.  Right now, we were in a good mood, having a good time, and didn’t want to ruin that ambiance. Besides, I wasn’t sure we’d use the pix for a logo anyway.

After we shot the pictures, Nathan went into his studio. Alone with his computer, he did his magic, and voila our two pictures became a single picture of us both looking in the direction of each other.

Actually I thought those pictures came out okay.  It was interesting to see that he had my head ever so slightly higher than his, when I’m definitely shorter than he. He said it was his artistic license.  I took it as a compliment.

…And Other Things Are Even More Typical

The silhouetted profiles didn’t seem to match in emotion. I was laughing (surprise, surprise) and he wasn’t. In retrospect that may be representative.

Nathan does laugh. In fact, he is always saying to me, “Don’t make me laugh.”  He doesn’t really mean don’t make him laugh. He really means to say, “I wasn’t planning on laughing at this moment and I’m taken by surprise.”  But he’s not a smiley kind of guy. Even when he’s being silly, he’s not actually laughing, he’s making silly faces.  I’m the one who’s laughing. That’s always been my job. Keep ‘em laughing. I was the official court jester as a child in my family. That was my role.

The Value of Outside Input

When I sent the pictures to Jay, he pointed out that the combined image didn’t seem to work. It wasn’t that my and Nathan’s emotions didn’t match; it was that we weren’t actually looking into each other’s eyes and relating to one another. Jay said we seemed like two people looking out into space, with someone else’s disembodied head in front of us. Yikes!

The purpose of this image is to give people a sense of the RESULTS of the “Imperfect Spouse System.” If what Jay saw was what other people would see, this first attempt didn’t work. But the idea still might be a good one.

Besides, apparently Nate didn’t save the picture, so I can’t even show it to you.

Control and Change What You Can – Yourself!

Okay, let’s try this again.  While my son was over for dinner with his girl, I had him take pictures of us, but Nathan was insistently silly—passive-aggressively resistant.

Well, it’s part of my own Transform you Relationship Course, that you can’t change or control anyone else, least of all your stubborn husband.  My husband will spend many hours in the day, thinking and doing what will make me happy, but he will not do what he doesn’t want to do, so get over it and move on.

That’s why I’ve changed what I CAN change – myself. I no longer expect Nathan to do what he determines he doesn’t want to do. Heck, we paid an agent to sell his artwork and Nathan wouldn’t do the artwork or use the color palette that the agent requested. We let the agent go; it was a waste of money to try to get Nathan to do anything that he didn’t want to do, no matter what a “good idea” it was.  ( Don’t look; he doesn’t have his site on the web yet. That will come some time this year.)

When you Can’t Get What You Want…

I can control myself and my own expectations and my own reactions and responses, and I do. I laughed and had a good time.  Based on, when you can’t get what you want, you might as well have fun with what you get.

All’s Well That Ends Well

But, get this epilogue….

Later that same evening, he was helping me clean up from dinner with the kids. He looked at me and said that there were two times particularly  (at breakfast and when I’m sleeping) that he looks at me and says to himself that he is the luckiest man in the world to have me, to live with me.

That’s a man for you—drive you crazy then melt your heart.

Postscript

The pictures my son took of Nathan and me together weren’t the best pictures of us. But they’re better than the first attempt, because they show us more like we truly are when we interact with one another.

I don’t know if we’ll use this second set of pictures for the ImperfectSpouse.com logo, but they’ve already served their purpose. “Proof of concept” for my business, and here they are, already being used on the ImperfectSpouse.com Web site as the catalyst for this article post!

What Do You Think?

Do you have any experience with letting go of your expectations of your partner and allowing him to just be who he is and act like he acts, without triggering you? I’d love to hear your success stories!

And I’d love to know what you think about our photo. Does it bring up a feeling inside you about the kind of relationship that you’d like – the kind of relationship that Nathan and I share? Please leave your comments on this blog post!

He likes it straight. So do I.

So here’s an amazing story about being married for 42 years. It’s one of those amazing stories of long relationships and spouses/partners finishing your sentence for you on steroids.

It was a work day. I was in for the count especially with all the rain. You know, sugar melts in the rain. So I took my shower and put on perfunctory make-up, but I didn’t do my hair. I just scrunched it and let it dry. When I do that it has a small wavy, frizzy look. Normally, I would dry it and straighten it into my characteristic do. I didn’t want to take the time.

Well, I think it was at dinner, Nathan asked me why I wore my hair like that. Hmmmm, I thought to myself, he didn’t say how great my hair looked, and he’s asking why I’m wearing it like this. Hmmmm, he doesn’t like it.” I say, You don’t like it?

“No,” he says, “I’m just curious. I mean you don’t wear it like this often. I guess I’m used to it the other way.”

I think to myself “He doesn’t like it. Actually, I’m not sure that I do. It’s just a change.”

I answer him, “I didn’t want to take the time to style it. It takes about ½ hour.”

Oh,” he says. “Boy am I glad I’m not a woman. I wouldn’t want to have to do that all the time.” Not exactly a delicate sentence, but hey, I’m teaching a 3-step Transform your Relationship Experience, I know enough not to take silly sentences seriously.

And that was that until the next morning. While I was dressing in the morning I was looking at myself in the mirror, thinking about my mother and what she would think if she saw my hair like this. My mother always told me that I had straight hair. Although my hair was never straight by Asian standards. Asian women have beautiful, really straight hair. My hair was never straight like that. I asked her about it, but she insisted that my hair was straight. She ought to know. And for sure, I never saw my hair scrunched this this as a child, because my mother insisted that every morning and when I washed it that I brush my hair at least 100 strokes. As a result, and wave was brush out of my very fine hair.

I was on the way downstairs to breakfast with all these thoughts in my head, and I called to Nathan already in the kitchen, saying, “It’s because of my mother.” I continue into the kitchen, and he says to me, “You mean your hair.” The man’s a genius. Is that not incredible? He was able to maintain that conversation from the night before. He knew it before he looked at me and saw my hair to remind him.

That’s it. I have nothing more to say.

It’s days later, and I’m still dumbfounded that he kept that conversation going clear enough so that before he saw me (outside of bed) he followed the thread of the conversation.

I’m thinking about how that could happen. I know that I wasn’t offended by his not liking my hair, so there was no heat in the conversation. He was graciously diplomatic about expressing his thoughts. I was comfortable to keep my ‘do’ going another day cause it suited my needs at the moment (meaning I was too busy to bother with it.) I was comfortable knowing that the usual hairdo would be back in time for everyone’s comfort.

I enjoy achieving this overall sense of self-confidence which makes communication with everyone so much easier. It is an interesting dynamic of a long, intimate relationship that eliminates tension. I supposed that’s what created the atmosphere to keep the thought circulating in the house till in was completed in the morning.

And what would my mother say about my husband just nailing that thread of conversation right to her? I’m still laughing, Mom.

Don’t forget to click on Amazing Woman Button up top for fabulous Amazing Womans Day on January 30, 2010.

Also, my next Transform your Relationship Experience Telecourse begins February 1.
You know that it’s designed for women 30-55 unhappy and blaming their husband or partner yet still wanting to make it work. There is still room in the class for you or someone you know that deserves to get happy. Click, click.

You know, I’m doing so much to prepare for Marsh Engle’s Amazing Woman’s Day on January 30, 2010 since I’ve been chosen at one of the Amazing Woman’s Alliance Power 100, that I have to make sure that I spend enough time with my hubby.

I’m excited about being a Feminine Leader (as opposed to a Masculine Leader—sorry couldn’t resist it) and will host a table and lead a break-out session.  Being at the historic Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills will be fun, and having my step-daughter visiting from New Hampshire and attending is an awesome bonus.

Barnsdall Art Center is a great Hidden Treasure in Los Angeles

Anyway, so I took time this morning to help him with his interest.  Nathan is president of BACSAC, oh help me, I have to remember what that stands for.  Okay, let’s see—Barnsdall Art Center Student  Assoc Committee, or something close to that.

Today was registration for the winter class and 250 people registered for classes.  Some classes, ceramics and jewelry, were maxed out.  Since becoming President, Nathan has a charming paternal interest in the smooth running of all events.  For registration, they have city employees and regular volunteers that do a fine job. And the new treasurer was there pitching in and up to speed as this was her second registration already.

What/Who’s more important at this moment?

It’s one of those situations.  I would have rather been home working on my class worksheets for my Monday 3-steps to Transform your Relationship telecourse.  Check out http://imperfectspouse.com/3-step-telecourse. Or I’d rather be working on my breakout session for Amazing Woman’s Day.

But it would seem inappropriate to be refusing to help my husband (and he doesn’t ask that often) so that I could be writing about great relationships.  The irony was not lost on me so I yielded, waking up at the ridiculously early time of 7am — and even did so reasonably pleasantly.  (Nathan can be so sensitive when I have a snotty attitude.)

Hidden Bonuses of Being Nice to Your Partner

Actually, when I think about it, forcing yourself to spend time with your spouse even when you have important things to do, could be one of the big bonuses of married (or connected) life.  It makes for at least some balance in your life.  Another person in your life, living with you lets you know that they have the right to spend some time with you.  So I know to pull back my focus enough to sure that I get him in the picture. The bonus for me is that I think I become a better person when I’m not so turned into myself, and I get me best thoughts when I’ve changed my mental scenery.

Also, I think in retrospect that I discuss maybe just one thing that is bothering me each car ride or urban walk that with Nate. We

Out to Dinner at Jerry's

went out to dinner tonight, because he didn’t feel like cooking.  (Yes, I know that I am truly blest.) So I was saying about having sometimes what seems like the smallest things that roam around in my head until I make a decision. This time it was which eye doctor should  I go to for my next eye exam. (Well, I had a couple of docs in mind and each had positives and negatives.) This helping me make these decisions isn’t something that I would notice as much if I weren’t teaching this course, but bringing it to consciousness, I truly value it.  He’s  learned to be a great sounding board. Thank you Nathan.

Good Deeds are Rewarded

Oh, and great postscript, while I was helping out at registration, a gentleman asked if I were teaching a course. I said,”No.” He said, “Oh, well if you were, I would register for that class.”  Providence rewarding my good deed.

The next 3-Step “Transform Your Relationship Experience” TeleCourse begins February 1, 2010. Check it out and register here:

http://ImperfectSpouse.com/3-step-telecourse

I’ll have to apologize later, when I have time

So as I was saying, I was finished my teleclass and I had to cross off the next thing on my ‘to do’ list.  I had to go apologize to Nathan for being in such a snit before the class.  The printer wouldn’t work and I couldn’t print out the script to my class and Nathan was nonchalantly opening the mail and making comments—-that required thoughtful answers.  There was less and less rope and the end on my tether.

After he did get my script printed, I suggested that I needed to concentrate on what I would be teaching FULLY – without distraction or interruption.  I was basically a calm communicator, but definitely Not pleasant.  He did get the hint and left, closing the door after exclaiming that he didn’t do anything wrong and that I shouldn’t be angry at him.  I explained that I wasn’t upset at him; I was just upset. I apologized but with that same edge because I was still agitated. He left; I was relieved.  I couldn’t be nasty if there was no one to be nasty to.

You know one of the things that I teach is that when we women (and men) are unhappy — or tense, or worried—and we blame it on our spouses and our relationships, we are externalizing.  We need to turn that feeling and point it back to ourselves.  So I did know that Nathan was just trying to help, wanting to enjoy my company, and all the negative emotion was completely generated by me—and I can be very good at that.

I took responsibility for my own grouchy behavior

But class was over. I did a good job.  It was successful.  So I could move on to that ‘to do’ list and do my apology.  Apologizing isn’t as good as not being mean to a loved one in the first place, but it’s better than not apologizing.

I sat next to him in the den and watched the news with him—which I don’t often do. It was my gift of company.  And I suggested an urban walk.  It gets us out in the evening and we walk streets with nice shop windows.  Maybe the stores will be open or not. Usually a book store will be. We stopped in a food store to buy something I wanted, so that he could feel that he was getting something for me, solving a problem for me, and that makes him feel good.  The walk itself gets us moving and makes our bodies feel good.  I did everything to change the negative mood that I had created earlier.

One of the things I teach is to be conscious when you are being triggers by a negative thought, and stop the thought dead in its tracks. Replace it with another thought. I’ve done games changing nursery rhymes at seminars. It’s fun.

Since I didn’t have time to address my behavior immediately, I simply got to it as soon as I could, and I did it not just in thought but in my actions.

Hey, folks. It works.  We both came home happy and calm and holding hands. Even I say, “Ahhh.”

I collapsed onto the bed flat on my back, fully clothed, one leg still hanging over the side of the bed, wrapping the covers over one side of me and the pillow covering my other arm. A quick nap before my husband Nathan got home. Snooze, snooze, snooze.

Then from some faraway place a faint “Hellooo”. Then, nothing. Then tromp, tromp up the steps; then quiet; then a flash of light.

I knew he couldn’t see me in the dark. Sometimes I can’t see him in the bed with all the covers over him, especially when the room is so dark.  Yet, he knew that I must be there asleep, or I would have answered.  So he put on the light for a quick minute to look, to check, figuring if I were asleep that I wouldn’t notice.  Not the first time he’s been wrong.  But then again, his perfection would make me really look bad by comparison.

I moved to cover my eyes from the light – and to let him know I was there even before I felt like talking.

I said “You couldn’t see me?”

He said, “I did when you moved.”

I said, “I’m getting up.”

He said, “Good,” and went downstairs to prepare dinner. (Yes. My husband Nathan loves to cook.)

I Took Time to Notice a Miracle

I lay there for a bit, reviewing the miracle of what had happened.  I know that a long time ago, he would have flashed the light on, and I would have flashed my anger. How dare he wake me when it was obvious that I was sleeping! How inconsiderate, even for an instant! If he couldn’t see me, he should have come around the bed to check quietly without disturbing me.

But here I am in the midst of a new habit that I’ve established. I had an instant reaction, but it wasn’t an anger flash; it was an understanding flash. This understanding flash came because I have dared to allow myself to believe that my husband loves me and would not do anything to upset me – on purpose. I smiled and got up.

It was freezing. I went to the thermostat and saw that it had been turned off – by guess who. (Only two people live in our house, and it wasn’t me.) Was it time for some instant temper flash? No, I was feeling too mellow. Besides, the delicious smells from the kitchen made me happy  and grateful that I shared housekeeping with my own personal chef.

I’m paying particular attention since I’m teaching my 3-Step “Transform your Relationship Experience” TeleCourse. It’s a course that’s geared to 30-55 year old women who are unhappy in their relationship and blame their husband for their unhappiness, but want to find a way to stay in the relationship and be happy.

The next 3-Step “Transform Your Relationship Experience” TeleCourse begins January 4, 2010. Check it out and register here:

http://ImperfectSpouse.com/3-step-telecourse

In the course, I have women create a baseline measurement of their “what is” when they begin the course, so they can measure their improvement as they learn simple, easy-to-implement strategies and tools for transforming their relationship experience into what they desire and deserve. I do the exercises right along with them. So I’m tuned in to myself in my relationship.

It was great to realize my complete absence of anger. I felt really good – 2 instances in a row. Peace and calm had prevailed.

Life is Full of Tests

Then I walked into the downstairs bathroom to discover the cat had peed just outside the litter box for the second time today.   grrrr……    Oh well, I’m human.

Nathan and I went for a walk on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywooe, down where Chin Chin is. We passed a store window with a mannequin  dressed in elegant Elizabethan attire. The entire outfit was made of recyclables—plastic bags, paper, batteries, etc. Very, very clever.  Then on a small sign it listed all the things that were represented as recyclables.

I said, “Hangers. See, I told you hangers are recycled.”  (He gets his shirts laundered and put on hangers.  He always puts the hangers in the trash.  I even brought up a separate trash can to the bedroom for the hangers and other recyclables. He got confused about which was which, and hence ignored it completely.So where was I?  Oh yes.

I said, “Hangers. See, I told you hangers are recyclables.”

He said, “Well keep telling me.”  What a smart-mouth.

That was the defining moment.

“Old Merle” would have had a fit. What disrespect, passing off such a serious subject so lightly — and with all the effort I’ve already gone to so it will be easy for him..

“New Merle” laughed.  I knew he wasn’t disrespecting, he was being honest. This isn’t one of his hot buttons. He recycles the obvious, the bottles, etc.  Actually, he’s the one that found the receptacle for the recyclables that fits under the sink.  So he’s not really a complete washout. We just have different things that are important to each of us.

\It’s been a long time now since I’ve decided that, as my friend told me today, “I’m tired of being angry.” I have brilliant friends.

So Nathan and I laughed together.  And I knew I had something to blog about.

Let me know your experiences. I’m interested.

Merle Singer
The Relationship Miracle Worker

Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ImperfectSpouse

1. If at all possible that we get custody of his 2 children (8 & 13) and
2. No name-calling—not in a joke, not in a double-entendre, not in a clearly sarcastic remark, not ever.  It’s the only time I saw that flash of “Don’t mess with me or I’m outta here —now.”  He meant business!

I came from the heart of sarcasm land. My mother would say the most outrageous thing in complete seriousness until I got completely hysterical and then announce she was kidding – and not a moment before my hysteria.  She told my brother to call me Fatty, because she thought it would motivate me to lose weight.  I am serious.

And she loved me.  True, she wasn’t mature in every area of her life.

So not saying a funny, sarcastic, but insulting name as a joke was really hard for me.  I would declare, “Oh for heaven’s sake, you’re brilliant, Nathan. Clearly I’m only kidding when I call you ‘Stupid’.”  Apparently, he didn’t get it.

He would have left. I know it. I think of that every time someone says,”how phlegmatic he is.  Just don’t hit up against one of his boundaries.

I do have a special secret for getting what I want.

1. Don’t want what he can’t give.

Treat him with decency, respect, and good humor. That is sheer magic.

That is the dance of the imperfect spouses—and the song has no bad names in it.

(We could never write a popular song without “bitches and ho’s”  Where are the men’s bad names?? )

Friend me, Merle Singer, on

http://Facebook.com

http://twitter.com/ImperfectSpouse

I’m dedicated to helping women who are unhappy in their relationship and would prefer to find a way to turn that around rather than end the relationship to transform their cold, rocky relationship into one that’s smooooooooth and HOT.

It’s within that context that I chose the name for my domain: ImperfectSpouse.com.

And it’s interesting to note the many ways that people are responding to those words: “Imperfect Spouse.”

DIFFERENT IS NOT IMPERFECT

Of course, the point of the words “Imperfect Spouse” is to say that in one sense we are all “imperfect,” but really, even more so, we are all “perfect” just as we are, with all of our idiosyncrasies. When we embrace and appreciate the differences between us and our spouse and stop letting them “trigger” our anger, disappointment, or whatever “negative” judgments and feelings we experience, and focus on loving him NOT  ‘DESPITE’ our differences  and NOT ‘BECAUSE’ of them, simply WITH our differences, then we can finally have the high-quality relationship that we desire and deserve.

Still the word “imperfect” in the phrase “imperfect spouse” continues to have its allure.

In fact my bookkeeper insists that she is the “Imperfect Bookkeeper.” Indeed, she is not, but we have a good laugh.

“Imp” (as I call my Imperfect Bookkeeper for short) asked me to extend my advice beyond married women to women who are still dating.

SOME BACKGROUND FIRST

This woman is HOT. She has beauty, personality, brains, sensitivity, integrity, and an interesting career beyond the bookkeeping she does for me. Any guy she dates would be thrilled to know that she would deign to worry about what he thought of her.

Imp is dating. Her question to me is: “How can I tell whether this relationship is headed toward a romance or just a lovely friendship?” Is he considerate or just not romantically interested.

The funny thing is that Imp told her newest beau – who she really seems to like – early on that she didn’t like being rushed. She wanted them to get to know each other, before they got romantic.

Well, this guy listened to her. He plans lovely long dates, checks with her to make sure she approves. He doesn’t call her when he knows she is busy. When they do talk on the phone, it’s for over an hour. Sounds to me like he’s interested.

Imp is expressing her concern that she may get to like him so much that she’ll become vulnerable. She could get hurt.

VULNERABILITY IS  SO SEXY

But “becoming vulnerable” – taking down your walls and revealing your authentic self – is exactly what makes relationships so gentle and loving and worth the risk. I’m not saying that it’s easy to expose yourself in this way; I’m saying that it’s worth it… very worth it.

My advice to Imp: Remember that he’s doing what you asked for. Value the respect he’s showing you. View the relationship with “cheerful detachment” (I love this phrase that I heard in a wonderful piece of music by songwriter Jan Garrett).

In other words, whatever happens, happens. But focus less on your worries and more on your desired outcome. Use your knowledge about how to create the relationship you desire while also simply allowing it to unfold.

People get what they expect, so expect the best. In your relationship. In your life.

Lissarankin (http://www.owningpink.com) Angry people cannot create a peaceful planet, turn your thoughts to Joy and feel the shift.

I responded: Yes. Anger is a choice. That was a powerful revelation to me.

Lissa said: A revelation that enlightened your life, I’m sure! RT @ImperfectSpouse: Yes. Anger is a choice. That was a powerful revelation to me.

I responded: @Lissarankin Knowing anger was a choice more than enlightened my life, it changed my marriage. It oiled the gears for smooth ride.

Lissa said: That is beautiful @ImperfectSpouse what a wonderful way you Owned your Anger. Big *hugs* to you.

Then I was off to the rest of my day and this evening when I have had a chance to reflect.I conclude that anger is ugly, hence,the expression on my face. (That picture is of me very angry or very constipated.)

I find one of the primary sources of anger is defending your position against somebody else’s thoughts. This defensive position can be coming from a victim mentality— feeling already defeated with no way of winning. You noticed that I mentioned ‘winning’ as if this were a contest, not a conversation. And it may be, depending on you and the other person, though I don’t recommend it.

The more sure you are about a topic, the more “skin you have in the game”, the more likely you are to be angered by opposition, since it brings up the possibility of “losing’.

In our marriage, the most arguments Nathan and I have, (aside from religion, politics, and life style—hahaha) have been about the children. Luckily, we never argued about money—well, as I’m thinking about it, that’s not true, but it’s mostly true. We hardly argue now—partly because we’ve both gotten smarter (especially me) and mostly because the kids are out of the house.

Still, we all find many opportunities to get angry–at everyone—even ourselves—and especially our loved ones. I was raised in a loving house that still managed to miss no opportunity to express anger. Dad would occasionally throw a towel and break a plate and Mom would zip her lips shut so tight that when I performed the obligatory get and give kiss goodnight, I was sure her lips would cut my cheek.

Yes, I’ve made a study of anger. I’ve decided that I’m against it. (Don’t disagree with me or I’ll be really angry at you.)

I remember therapists and writers saying that anger was a choice. Being highly opinionated, I questioned their intelligence, sincerity or sanity. I wasn’t sure which. When I was angry, I “couldn’t help it.” Yet, at a certain point the amount of people claiming that anger’s a choice made me at least consider the possibility.

I started observing myself. I remember being spitfire angry at Nathan. Of course, I have no idea about what. I only remember the feeling. It was very strong. In the midst of this fervor of anger, I said to myself, “I can stop being angry.” And I replied (to myself), I ‘don’t want’ to stop being angry. ‘Don’t want to.’ I hear me say it. That’s when I proved to myself that I was making a choice to be angry. My internal dialogue continued,” I had a right to be angry. If I let this feeling go, I’d never yell at him. He deserved to be yelled at. He’ll never change his behavior.” As if I’d ever been able to force any kind of change whatsoever by the sheer dint of my insistence. I don’t think so. Even so, I hung on to my anger.

This happened uncounted times. It was becoming clearer that anger wasn’t a feeling life imposed on me; I was choosing it. It took some time to yield to this conclusion because I didn’t want to believe it. I loved my anger.

I would puff myself up with self-righteousness like a puff-adder ready to strike if you messed with me.

Not a pretty sight. (Check out the above picture.) It doesn’t look any better when I see anger in others. It took a while to let go. A bit like when I stopped smoking. Maybe I didn’t exactly miss it, but I noticed that it was gone. (Actually, I really missed it.) It left a hole in my behavior pattern. Not to say I never get angry now, ——— so don’t test me, I’m “imperfect”.

See what you started, Lissa. So I thank you for your last comment:  That is beautiful @ImperfectSpouse what a wonderful way you Owned your Anger. Big *hugs* to you.

Big hugs back atcha.

Let me know what you think?   Everybody…. please make a comment.

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