Impractical Aesthetic

Teenage Drama

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 17:29:00 +0000

We were seated in my daughter's high school gymnasium watching a pep rally. The evil bitch cheerleader named Manda was trying to sell her evil witchy dark powers to the unsuspecting students of the school. Black magic flowed in and around the basketball court - souls of demons and whatnot seeking new converts. As she was prancing around and cackling maniacally, students were flocking to her because she promised good grades and unlimited success in their futures... plus she was hot so a lot of the guys wanted to bang her.

Those poor kids never knew what hit them; kinda like those credit card signups at college campuses during orientation. Good thing I taught my imaginary dream-daughter Alice better than this and she stormed out of the gymnasium, but not before I noticed the daggers that Manda-bitch was staring in her direction. I thought it best to head out with my daughter and carry on with my day because hey, Bitchy McBitcherson was just in high school, what could she possibly do? (Dream-Me wasn't very good at evaluating the dangers of evil dark magic). Alice did not want to talk about it because she said it involved "girl issues" and boys and I wouldn't understand because I was "just a dad".

Way harsh, Alice. Excuse me for trying to get the 411 on what's going on up in your hiz-ouse. Dem kids nowadays doe. Going back to my daily life a bit miffed and concerned about my daughter's seemingly sudden unwillingness to bond with her dad, I returned home and noticed our dog was missing. Red Alarm: OH NO DOGGIE WHERE DID YOU GO YOU DIDN'T EVEN EAT YOUR FOOD OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD MY DOG IS MISSING... but then hoping he was just off on his own little doggie-adventure, I turned in for the night.

As I was at work the next day, I was forcibly ripped from my desk, sucked into a black hole, and found myself tied to a roulette wheel in a stalagmite-filled crystal cave. Evilbitch-Manda was giggling gleefully (teehee) on the side... and next to me was my doggie! OH NO NOT MY DOGGIE WHAT DID THAT BITCHERELLA DO TO MY DOGGIE! SHE WILL PAY A THOUSAND FOLD WITH THE FIERY BURNING SENSATION OF A BILLION YEAST INFECTIONS NOMMING ON HER TENDER UNPROTECTED SNATCH. DO WHAT YOU WILL TO ME BUT SAVE THE DOGGIE!!! HE'S INNOCENT AND SPECIAL AND THE BEST DOGGIE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD YES HE IS!! ... It has now occurred to me I may have been a little too nonchalant about this little bitchnugget.

She revealed she wasn't really after me or my doggie, but was instead after Alice! (Insert a tad less passionate yelling and general cussery about protecting my daughter here). Manda opened a viewing portal in mid-air and showed how she once enthralled a guy to love her, but the spell was broken when the dude fell in love with Alice's warm heart, love of doggies and extensive volunteer work (Aw so proud of her). As revenge, Mandabitch was gonna kill her.

Simple right? One problem: the rules of magic stated that she was not allowed to kill another human straight out with fire or whatever. She COULD, however, cast a complicated spell in the middle of this magical crystal cavern that would draw upon Alice's 3 most emotional connections to overload her heart and cause it to explode. Pretty devious and rather messy. So Manda had summoned my doggie (FUCK YOU MANDA) and me (Aw yis my daughter loves me!) to be bound up and used. She was missing just one component: Alice's sister.

Well, Alice's sister was dead. I dropped this bomb on her and Manda burst into tears because the spell was now impossible to cast. I laughed. Checkmate, you dog-stealing bitch!

...

Then I woke up and knew there was a high probability I am not ready for kids right now

Photo Credits: Evil Cheerleader, Sad Puppy, Roulette

A Pacific Assignment

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 18 Nov 2013 21:22:00 +0000

I am in the Pacific Ocean on assignment for my biology class. My goal: To find 3 different animals that are over 30 feet long. Naturally, I'm going for a swim cause that's where all the big fishies live. No worries though; I can breathe underwater and apparently don't get tired from swimming. I am essentially Aquaman's brown-haired doppleganger.

Thinking this assignment may be easy because of my assumed powers of fish-speak, I try seeking out marine life to inquire about such giant beasts... Unfortunately, it turns out that I cannot talk to fish and in fact have gotten lost somewhere near Thailand. Suddenly this big shadow comes barreling at me and I'm thinking, "Hold up, what on this green earth have I gotten myself into." As luck would have it, the shadow resolves itself into the shape of a huge whale shark. (Rhincodon typus, 42 feet long. Score!). He's apparently very friendly and gentle and doesn't want to eat me (I had forgotten that whale sharks primarily eat plankton), so that's good... oh, and he ALSO has telepathic powers so he can speak to me!

I explain to him my assignment, and he excitedly tells me that there is in fact a gathering of the Blue Whale Council just north of Japan and I should be able to capture some pretty sweet pics of these magnificent 100 foot long underwater mammals (his words, not mine). So I hop on his back and we begin hurtling along the Asian coastline. However, along the way I see this seriously gnarly-looking ruined underwater temple (Mayan?) that I just need to make a quick pitstop into.

Swimming into the temple you can imagine my surprise when I found that there was an enclosed air bubble within the ruins, where my biology class TA, Anne, is hailing me down to speak with her. She tells me that I have been re-assigned on a different mission... All that work finding a talking whale shark for nothing (*sad face). This mission would be of the utmost importance: My professor had discovered the cure for cancer and it was up to Anne and I to collect the ingredients found conveniently around the Pacific Ocean!

Change of priorities. Anne and I are now swimming to the nearest island to recover the first ingredient: a rare flower (Anne can also breathe underwater and swim forever). We've got to be careful around this island though, because its private owner is a known cannibal and is wont to eat any intruders. Thankfully, we take a quiet rowboat (?) over to the trees that grow partially in the ocean on the border of the island and find the magical purple flowers buried among the roots. Onto reagent number 2 and beyond.

I think I may have blacked out due to boredom at this point because all I can remember are glimpses of me swimming... very repetitively... to a bunch of islands that all looked the same. Anyway, we collected all the ingredients and wound back at the (still Mayan?) temple. There I see some parked jet skis and got very verbally angry at Anne. WHY IN SEVEN HELLS WERE WE SWIMMING EVERYWHERE IF WE HAD FRICKIN JET SKIS?!?!?! After I calmed down, she said that I did a good job and she'd take me anywhere in the world... on jet skis of course.

At this point I just wanted to go home. So I did... where I played with my puppy (I do not have a puppy) while my dad told me to cut my hair.

...

Then I woke up. Kinda bummed I didn't get to see the Blue Whale Council.

Photo Credits: Aquaman, Whale Shark, Purple Flower, Jet Ski

Attack of the GPBs

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Thu, 11 Jul 2013 19:44:00 +0000

There's really nothing better than being on vacation with your family now that everyone's old enough to drink (inevitably except for one cousin; Sorry I'm not sorry, DD). We were on a booze-filled excursion of Tatooine when all us younger generations decide to rent an extra vehicle (driven by the DD cousin, of course). As usual I am running late and miss the cousin transport away from the desert planet. Still at home base, I was still brushing my teeth when I noticed a bright red urgent signal flashing on one of the fancy computer stations clearly heralding, "You. Are. So. Fucked."

I dashed to the scope that showed us views of outer space and I saw a huge flying red onion. This red onion was sentient and was surrounded by 20 amorphous purple blobby things, all headed from the stars straight toward Tatooine. Inexplicably, there was no one left on the planet except for me (damn personal hygiene!). I intercepted a transmission from one purple blobby thing to another saying, "Barely intelligent life form left on this one. Take it out." Before I even had the chance to be offended, the invading flying purple creatures morphed into huge gaseous-hurricanes of purple space dust that shot massive lasers out of their spinning vortex centers. 20 incredible beams of light and heat embedded themselves straight into the planet, causing the desert ground to rupture and crack.

I got the hell out of there, frantically dispatching mayday signals to any ship that could hear me. Star Trek-style I was beamed aboard a departing transport. Alongside me in the guest quarters were 20 unknown women decked out in their most exquisite trashery... bickering and complaining in thick accents while not-unnoticeable quantities of body fat spilled out of the sides, backs, fronts, tops, and bottoms of their unfortunately-strained and questionable choice of garments. These women were the other witnesses to the Attack of the Giant Purple Blobby Things (GPBs) and, along with me, were being transported to the Jedi Council to testify against GPB actions against the universe.

We arrive at the docking station on Coruscant, where my buddy Dave shows up decked out only in Lululemon's finest lower-body attire. Gotta stop and admire for a second. I appreciate a fit, able bodied person as much as the next guy and those sweatpants made his ass look out of this world. I had to give it a little slap. Meanwhile all the women had fallen asleep on the benches under some sort of spell. As I go to the bathroom to figure out what to do a man approaches me. He says that in order to save Coruscant from the same fate as Tatooine, we'd have to wake up the women and keep the GPBs away by singing the Cups "When I'm Gone" cover by Anna Kendrick from Pitch Perfect (originally by Lulu and the Lampshades). Everyone at the docking station sat in a circle, passed some cups around, and sang our little hearts out.

...

Then I woke up and had a delicious bacon-filled breakfast.

Photo Credits: Tatooine, Onion, People of Walmart, Cups

Paleo Challenge, Night 4

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Fri, 24 May 2013 18:39:00 +0000

Never ending Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Straight to the face. For hours.

...

Then I woke up. Perhaps this Paleo Challenge is getting to me

Business Jets and Softball

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 16:05:00 +0000

San Francisco. Big break. I've just been hired on as a biomedical consultant for Maximus's engineering firm. Think tall glass buildings surrounding verdant gardens of peace and serenity and an absolutely absurd starting salary. It is in one of these gardens that they've decided to introduce me to the entire company. I felt honored and privileged .. even though I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be doing for these people. I assume something important.

After exchanging pleasantries, we had to come up with a way to decide how to proceed with the company. This was done through a fun game where we threw cards at each other's faces like Gambit, and whoever got the most of their cards to hit got to decide what the next step in the business would be. Danger adds excitement to any professional meeting!

Soon as the winner was decided (not me because my aim blows), the president declared, "Onwards!" and the garden was transformed into a jet. Suddenly we're cruising along the highway, pushing cars this way and that making our way through in our garden cabin jet. Our destination was close enough to not need to take flight, but jets seemed the preferred mode of transportation of Max's company. Garden cabin jets are not safe for transportation. There are no seat belts.

We arrive at a beautiful church and I'm urged on to participate in the indoor lesbian softball game that's going on inside (sorry, apparently my dreams embrace to stereotypes). I was playing catcher, but between me and the batter there was a partially lowered prison-style gate. As such, I could not return thrown balls but had to instead bounce them under the gate, kinda like when you're playing a game of beirut and you've got to bounce the ball into the cup. Luckily, I didn't have to do much and the girls were super welcoming!

Long story short, we won the game, but then had to listen to what I can only recall as THE MOST BORING SERMON EVER. I do believe those exact words flashed in fluorescent lights above the pulpit erected at the pitcher's mound. I tried to leave, sneaking out one of my coworkers with me. However, my escape was not meant to be and we were called back to play another game of softball. The game commenced with the sacrificing of a goat upon the pulpit.

...

Then I woke up and wanted waffles.

Photo Credits: Garden Skyscraper, Jet, Softball, Goat Sacrifice

Alien-Run Underwater Hotel

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 21:35:00 +0000

I was on the Oregon Trail trudging down the wagon road in my prairie schooner with my friends in the back, when we stumbled upon a ghost town in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere. As tumbleweeds blew across the hard beaten path, gusts of wind rattled deserted wooden buildings and kicked up dirt into the horse's eyes. One of the ratty old wooden structures looked bustling, so we opened the door to find techno music playing and flashing strobe lights wailing on our senses.

Stepping inside, there were these bug-type aliens behind the counter and little pixies flying around the inside. Big, creepy brown cockroach-y type aliens *shudder* ... but there was also a shelf filled with super cool action figures. They told me that this was an alien establishment, and that in order to gain access humans have to give up a body part in exchange for being able to transform into one of the action figures on the shelf. This was looking up!

I traded my ear Van Gogh style to become this iridescent blue giant praying mantis. Never felt so badass in my life. I had frickin scythes for hands! "Thank you for your business," the cockroach aliens said as I proceeded past the double doors behind them... which opened up into this massive system of underwater tunnels and shafts of light that propelled people to their destinations... so I went to the bathhouse.

Here I was transformed into an 8 foot version of myself (bareass human), scoping around this poorly lit, slightly musky, and overly humid area. Filled to bursting with men doing the dirty in and around community pools, open showers, private rooms, and also somehow in mid-air, the rampaging testament to carnal pleasure seekers was a sight to behold.. and let me tell you, there were a buttload of sights. Haha butts.

Needing a breather from all the debaucherous shenanigans, I went outside where I was immediately beset upon by the giant cockroach aliens demanding additional payment for the subsequent transformation back into my old, albeit taller, self. Apparently going to the bathhouse cost extra. What a rip off. As I've always wanted to be taller, I ran like hell to get out of the underwater(?) hotel and back onto my trusty prairie schooner in the middle of the desert to make my escape.

...

Then I woke up and went to the gym.

Photo Credits: Oregon Trail, Praying Mantis, Underwater Hotel

Crime Fighting Telekinetics

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 16:49:00 +0000

I was in a sunlit apartment with 2 of my crime-fighting buddies knowing that we had to solve this case or else something unspeakably bad would happen. Couldn't tell you what, but on the TV screen in the bottom left-hand corner there was this bare-chested scientist in a lab coat jumping up and down with a little word bubble coming out of his head saying, "You've won the game!!! Scroll up for a clue!!" Somehow I'd managed to turn the TV into a touch screen reminiscent of an iPhone, so I swiped upwards to reveal a man about to leap from a skyscraper.

Instantly we were transported to the dead of night, high above New York City where said-man was trying to bound from rooftop to rooftop. Since he didn't have any supernatural abilities like we did (or so it would seem), we were worried for his safety. Thankfully, we were able to use our telekinetic powers to boost him across the sky so he would catch and ride the winds that were blowing across the city. However, we were only able to apply short bursts of energy to his flight because he was so far away, so he would inevitably begin to fall every so often. Turns out skyscraper-jumper dude could shimmer blue and turn into a bear when feeling his impending doom. What a handy trick for predicting when to apply a little levitation on his behalf!

This is where the dream turned a little strange.

Man seemed to eventually settle on a roof of his liking, so we went and joined him. However, we were immediately set upon by this soul-stealing fiend who ripped away one of my friend's souls (depicted as this creepy dark nebulous shadow) as we were trying to comprehend what was going on. She was locked into a death-grip, but looked like she was drowning in air. She couldn't move her body from a gasping state and her fingers reached upward with her eyes filled with fear. She probably died.

Me and my remaining telekinetic friend took the rooftop access stairs down to the level below. There was a little girl beckoning us to come to her. Weirdly enough, I burst out into squeals of excitement because she was just so adorable in her little white dress... and she had a PUPPY!!! I'll be damned if I would ever pass up an opportunity to pet a puppy. Especially a fuzzy little brown one with those big puppy paws and big puppy eyes! Seemed legit.

Long story short, the girl was actually a ghost and her puppy was Cerberus, the three-headed guard dog of the Underworld, in disguise. Her body was lying not ten feet away from her, but I failed to notice because of Cerberus's disguised form (still so freaking cute). Damn his wily ways! ... Anyway, she had in her possession a microchip that, once inserted into Wolverine's brain, would give him the power to become the Ultimate Weapon for destruction. Of course, since she was dead she couldn't give this chip to Wolverine herself and asked us to do it for her. My exact words were, "Why the hell not?" before grabbing the chip from the cold, lifeless fingers of her corpse and setting off on our quest to find the X-Men.

...

Then I woke up and reflected that I should probably start thinking more before making decisions.

Photo Credits: New York City, Drowning, Puppy

Water Demon's Pretty Cool

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 21:33:00 +0000

Celia and I (... ignoring the fact that I know no one by the name of Celia) were on a sunset-lit beach when a water demon emerged from the ocean. He was big and slimy, with a largely stereotypical snake-fish lower half and a fin-eared, scaly blue torso carrying a trident. Thinking all we had to deal with were some similarly stereotypical powers of water manipulation, we rushed the demon hoping to catch him by surprise... but no, the fucker summoned a horde of zombies to meet us out.

We slash our way through the zombie horde, getting ever closer to our goal of creating water demon-shishkabob. As Celia and I approached, unhindered by the walking dead around us, I think he finally deemed us worthy as a threat. He pulled out the stops, calling forth a massive rush of ocean water to sweep us off our feet.

Unable to really move around in the constricting currents, we just floated in the newly deep water along with the undead to whom swimming was a foreign concept. Nothing attacked or really happened, and we grew bored of floating and paddling aimlessly around the seaside, the water not letting us go ashore nor towards our adversary who was just sitting pretty in the sunset... until all the kids on the beach decided they wanted to play in the water.

Water demon fish-man communicated telepathically with me, stating that he "could not bear to harm the children" and immediately his zombie minions dissolved into the ocean while he transformed into a regular guy; albeit 10 feet tall and rocking the "hot surfer dude" look better than any mere mortal possibly could. The tide receded and Celia scampered off to the beach to play with her family, but I joined the demon-dude who sat cross-legged in the shallow waters.

Turns out, demon-dude was pretty cool. After the initial awkwardness dissipated, we proceeded to bro-out hardcore while children played around us. Hey, guess you never know when you're gonna make a new buddy, right?

Shortly after cementing our bro-hood with the obligatory bro-hug, we spotted Celia talking to her mom... and let me tell you, her mom looked to be the devil-incarnate to demon-bro and myself. She stormed over after Celia had finished talking to her, pointing her fingers at us and muttering unspeakable curses at the expense of our firstborns and sensitive man-bits.

Demon-bro apparently had aggression issues and a short fuse, and promptly morphed back into his demonic form while simultaneously calling forth a MASSIVE tidal wave teeming with dark, looming shapes of sea monsters to take out Celia's mom. As the wave rushed forward to the beach, I ran like hell towards the ocean-side fair just as one of the monsters on a chariot speared Celia right through the eye with a spear. I remember screaming, "BRO NOOOOOO!!!!!!" as I realized his darker side had taken over and Celia's blood splattered the sand.

I was pursued by three monsters straight out from Davy Jones' Locker into a racing ring. Then I fenced with a swordfish for a second before making my getaway on an exceptionally speedy bumper car.

...

Then I woke up and hit myself in the head with my sleeping arm.

Photo Credits: Water Demon, Water Zombies, Cool Story Bro, Tidal Wave

Last Days

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 20:49:00 +0000

I had two days to live. HIV-positive and succumbing to a normally benign bacterial strain, I was pretty pissed at my immune system. Not only that, but my sister also had only two days to live because of a sudden, but equally as deadly, onset of cancer... and that knowledge alone made me gasp in pure agony. I was responsible for telling our parents. All that was going through my mind was that I didn't want them to feel any pain, however inevitable it would be.

My family gathered around the porch table surrounded by greenery. My sister decided to break the news to mom in the library, leaving me alone with dad. I could feel actual tears falling as I struggled to find a way to tell him that in two days he would no longer have a son or a daughter... I could not even look him in the eye, finding myself a blithering idiot and choking back heart-wrenching sobs on his behalf.

Flashback to the day before: winning a go-kart race in Guatemala for the White House staff, the smell of burnt rubber still in the air, ecstatic at the thrill and giddy from the rush of adrenaline... not even minding that underneath everyone's exuberant smiles and hearty cheers I could see my companions on the verge of crumbling into grief and preparing to face their own mortality.

Flashback to three days prior, being promoted to be the President's aide, responsible for things such as sitting pretty at conferences and fielding unimportant questions, filling my days with snarky commentary on politicians and socializing. Not too shabby a way to spend the last few days on earth, I remember thinking.

I got married the next day. I do not know which poor soul found themselves chained to my last dying affections, bittersweet and beautiful as they would be. Even knowing their hardship, I found myself at a beach wedding. Glimmering brown eyes looked down the aisle at me and held the sun-drenched tableau of my grinning face, surrounded by friends and family, hands clasped all together in a moment of perfection for what seemed like an eternity.

With staggering sadness, I knew I would never feel this loved again.

...

I woke up alone and overwhelmed

Photo Credits: HIV Virus, Go-Kart, Beach Wedding

Adventure and Butt Furrows

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 16:56:00 +0000

In an effort to get more worldly I was on a global adventure exploring new cultures and exciting environments, hoping to return with tales of wonder and majesty. At this point I was in an cave-like enclosure within a farmland oasis while rain poured outside. There was sand on the floors, driftwood burning, and 10 gorgeous ladies sitting on one side with an older woman on the other. She announced that they were to take their vows and began chanting. Soon the cave was filled with the voices of women declaring themselves as daughters of the fire crystals, heralding the end of each verse with "... and into the fire we shall return!" ... with the ceremony culminating in the older woman bursting into flames!

Shocked and speechless at what I had just witnessed, the newly initiated ladies showed no reaction other than reverence and silently passed me a beautiful crystal as all the flames subsided. In the pitch dark, the crystal burned with an inner fire of its own, revealing a glowing ruby with veins of sapphire elegantly laced throughout the gem. I wondered where they had found such a treasure and they took my hand to lead me outside.

"The bull plants the seeds and the soil grows it," was their response, indicating a bull that was dragging its ass in parallel lines along the farmland, digging deep furrows into the rich soil as the rain came down (think massive dog that has worms and needs to itch its butt so it drags itself along with its forelegs as it rubs its behind across the floor)... This is not what I was expecting...

They suggested that I try it out, so I transformed into a bull and proceeded to drag my own ass across the farmlands, racing the other bull to see who could get to the other end of the farm in as straight of a line as possible. I ran into some other villagers, some trees, and some rough rocky patches, but I plowed on through thick and thin and nothing stopped me from creating my butt-furrows!

When I won, I transformed back into a man and the 10 ladies escorted me through a wonderland frozen from winter saying they wanted me to see their home in the clouds. After passing icicle after icicle, we boarded a bus that flew through the countryside... but not before letting us witness a horde of 500 wild horses flowing through the majestic woods, putting on a thrilling spectacle that we had the privilege to witness.

So when I said flew, it literally meant flew. Soon we were up over the tree tops and heading to a village on top of a snow covered mountain above the cloud cover. When we landed all I could do was take in the breath taking views while the ladies made fun of me for being a ground-dweller. "Not even as high as our house yet!" they said... and then two of them stole my shoes! Bitches!

As I raced down the snow covered steps chasing after the two giggling women, I couldn't help but take account of how much my feet hurt. While still impeccably clean and as if I had just come from a pedicure, they were really really sore from all the exercise and butt-furrowing I had been doing that day. Plus running down these monstrous over-sized steps was not helping. All I wanted to do was prop my feet up and relax, but the two kept goading me on. We reached the bottom of the village, still above the cloud cover, and they threw my shoes over the edge! Dejected, I saw my dad in front of a cart saying it was time to go home.

...

Then I woke up aching

Photo Credits: Farmland Rain, Ruby Sapphire, Bull, Mountains

Fish Brings Apocalpyse

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 16:09:00 +0000

Living in a penthouse hotel suite at the edge of a 200 foot cliff overlooking crashing waves and beautiful views with my friends was a dream come true! Only thing missing was fishing for this massively endangered species of pretty fish... so casting a long line over the cliff I reeled up a good 5 foot long meaty fish that shimmered in the sunset.

Mark screamed, "Noooo!! You've got to throw it back! It will bring an apocalypse if you keep it out of the water!" Obviously this freaked me out so I unhooked the poor little fishy and threw him back over the cliff...

Except no longer was I dropping him off a cliff into the ocean, I threw him over the edge of the 20th floor into a shallow decorative fountain; but seeing as he was a fish, I didn't feel too bad... that is until he transformed into a real human being halfway through his fall!

As the guy plummeted to his death in the shallow fountain, I couldn't help but think about how much trouble I'd be in: First fishing for an endangered species and then tossing a man over 20 stories to his doom. As luck would have it though, the fountain turned out to be made out of a many many tiny bouncy castles and the guy just kept rebounding over and over again before seemingly coming to the end of his miraculous survival story.

As the bouncy castles were displaced by the constant bouncing, however, it revealed that they were actually covering a black hole. As more of the blackness was revealed, I could feel myself and my friends getting pulled into the bouncy castle black hole to eventually get sucked into a retail store where the walls were trees, the floor was grass, and the dude was a fish again.

A mini-monster came flying into view and as I raised my hands to block its attack, a purple mini-whirlwind was summoned by my motions and engulfed the Whateveritwas. With the view of a horde of black monsters approaching, my buddies and I practiced our whirlwind-summoning skills to ward off the flying Whatevers. Wave after wave was thwarted until one of the hanger racks (which didn't have shirts on them) started beaming light and a man emerged from the glowing hanger.

Turned out he was evil (cackling maniacally inspiring terror in a way I could only dream of doing) and taunted us saying that we may have thwarted his attempts this time, but he'd be back with more monsters than our purple whirlwinds could handle! ... Literally shaking in our boots

...

Then I woke and wondered if maybe working retail as a part-time gig may not be the healthiest idea for me

Photo Credits: Fish, Fountain, Whirlwind Tornado

Oprah Hosts MK Tournament

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 14:30:00 +0000

I found myself at a very pristine, fancy table set with all the ravishing goodness a medical conference banquet could afford; aka. plastic plates. I sat with a group of 10 doctors from a multitude of specialties and some speaker was lecturing about Godknowswhat when Oprah interrupts with her resounding voice: "Now everyone look under their seats!" and everyone obligingly followed her orders.

"Yes, that's right! Toothpaste for you!! And YOU!! and YOU get a toothBRUSH! AND toothpaste!!! WOOOO!!!" Overjoyed at her announcement, all I could hear was velcro ripping sounds as doctors excited pulled little boxes out from underneath their chairs. I got a bit greedy and stole my neighbor's toothpaste box while he was conveniently out to the bathroom at the time... Unfortunately he soon returned and I confessed my heart-wrenching guilt at stealing his toothpaste; but fortunately there was a completely unoccupied table to my left from which I could pilfer toothpaste and toothbrushes from to my heart's content. Life was good

However, Oprah had another surprise for us. Upon the balconies were lined every Mortal Kombat character ever designed with deathly murder in their eyes. As Mileena pulled off her mask and lightning sizzled in Raiden's hand, I knew we were in for some deep shit. With a wave of her magic wand, Oprah caused all the tables and food to disappear and opened a ballroom floor in the middle of the room. Her voice booming, she announced, "First Fighter: Baraka! Humans, pick your champion!"

As Baraka launched himself off the balcony into a full somersault to land in the center of the ballroom, the crowd backed away from this crazy looking dude (refer to above picture for just how utterly terrifying this bloke is). One doctor dude pushed his way to the front of the crowd, volunteering his services to defend the human race and Oprah screamed, "MORTAL KOMBAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"

Insert completely unnecessary and useless, albeit freaking sick, dance sequence here. Then commence some freestyle capoiera on behalf of the doc... interrupted with Baraka skewering the doctor with one of his arm swords through the poor guy's chest as he was performing a back bend, leaving a bloody mess on the floor.

As the guy slid off Baraka's blade with some really sickening squelching noises, my awareness was transferred to the ninjas who had arrived. Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Rain, Reptile, Noob Saibot, and Ermac had staged a coup against Oprah and her legion of warriors and had come to defend the humans! Humanity now had a fighting chance!

Sub-Zero blew a freezing kiss directed towards Oprah across the room... but then as they leapt into action and the chilly kiss slammed against an unseen barrier I woke up

...

I hate missing the good parts

Photo Credits: Oprah, Baraka, Capoeira

Unicorn on Speed Dial

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Wed, 16 May 2012 17:26:00 +0000

Jane was on the other side of this chasm over a pit of lava and she wanted me to jump across, screaming, "You'll only NOT make it if you don't believe in yourself!" So I tried to leap across this like, 30 foot gap and grasp onto one of the outcroppings of the far ledge... but I fell short and missed. So I died a fiery death.

Then I got reset and tried again. This time I managed to grab a hold but then the rest of my body fell into the lava. Died again while she pried my grasping hands away from the ledge... Then I got one more try and I made it! So we ran into this rift in dimensional time and space to escape from Other World where I had reigned supreme.

I emerged in a bell tower in London where I was trying to stop a bell made of heavy pirate ship sails from crashing to the ground a mile up by holding onto this rope attached to the falling bell. This seemed like the worst way to do it so I decided to go up close and personal and just physically move the bell onto safer ground. I asked a US Marine who was conveniently standing by to hold the rope while I scaled the tower. And then I remembered my fear of heights (shaddup). Somehow I slowly managed to crawl my way around the outside awnings a mile above the ground, pretty much curled up into a mewling ball of irrational terror the entire time, and I drew the pirate ship sail bell into the protected tower.

In celebration, my dad showed up and drove me and Jane to this place we used to go to as kids and to buy plants and I was overcome with nostalgia. We went to this ballroom area where he started dancing the tango with Jane, but then morphed into this purple blob monster and started to devour her while I tried to fend him off by transforming into what can only be described as a purple Fozzie Bear...

Dad as a purple blob monster enveloped us. This turned out to be a good thing as we were protected from a wave of destruction that washed through the land and transported back to Other World. Seemingly, Empress Fran had taken over and constructed an army of droid robots with us plopped in the middle of an outdoor assembly line. Luckily I had my Unicorn pal on speed dial and he flies in while Jane hops into her tech battle suit. However, before I can hop onto Unicorn's back, he's stolen away from me and mind controlled by some evil prankster dude (let's call him Creeper) and they go flying across the countryside.

We all take flight and pursue Creeper and Unicorn, but he turns his ride around and uses Unicorn's laser beam shooting eyes against us. Dodging and weaving, we catch up to him and try to wrest Unicorn from Creeper's control, but Fran herself shows up and transports us to a campfire site where Captain America and Noob Saibot are awaiting the arrival of Jane, my dad, and me: the rest of their team. Versus us was a zombie-Nightwing (older Robin), a tangle of darkness and writhing vines, an army of droids, Unicorn, Creeper, and the magical empress Fran.

We fought bravely, but in the end Fran uses her powers to try to cast Ultima on us, spelling our demise... but Unicorn shakes off his mind control and sacrifices himself to turn back time to before the battle where we're able to recuperate and formulate a plan. Noob Saibot says that in order to defeat the empress, we must seek out the waterbender Naomi, saying, "She is the savant who will bring about the end of an era."

Finding Naomi on the side of a road in a desert, apart from a group of other waterbenders looking all forlorn, we tell her of our plight and she joins us (dumbass). Arriving again at the campsite, she runs in to face the empress and her henchmen head on. Immediately she engages the empress, encasing her in a prison of solid pink ice (super super powerful ice), pulling her into the air and distracting her from taking part in the battle. My dad and Jane do away with the army of droids while Captain America engages the black vine monster and Noob Saibot tackles zombie-Nightwing. I jump around from foe to foe, helping my allies and keeping Naomi supported while she tackles the empress's will to escape.

Captain America plunges his shield into the belly of the vine beast and it dies because it is allergic to vibranium metal. Noob Saibot uses his shadow self to imprison zombie-Nightwing and slams him down into the ground (and through the ground) over and over, inflicting crippling blows and trying to rip the zombie's head from his body. However, the head keeps reattaching itself. The empress breaks free of Naomi's encasement and turns to flee but is pinned and arrested by my dad as a purple blob monster, Jane in her tech battle suit, and me without a shirt brandishing a pointy sword. After Noob Saibot severs zombie-Nightwing's head from its body again, Naomi encases the head in the same pink ice and throws it a billion miles away into space. All rejoice as the queen has been captured and her minions have been destroyed!

...

Then I woke up and it was still raining.

Photo Credits: Lava Pit, Fozzie, Unicorn, Waterbender

Snow White Has Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 14 May 2012 16:16:00 +0000

As Prince Charming, I valiantly strove to save my beloved Snow White from the clutches of the Evil Queen. I'm sure you've heard that story so I'm skipping all the mushy-gushy plot details. Snow wakes up as soon as I plant a sloppy one on her cold lips and she sits up, overcome with love and joy looking healthy and hot again! Endless celebrations all around as we walk off hand in hand along the paved streets of New York City. However, a couple of blocks down Snow tears off in the opposite direction, running away from what should rightfully be our happy ending.

The Evil Queen appears and commands, "You fool! Come with me." She creates a magic portal and we step through, appearing at the gates of Heaven. The golden shiny gates open at her behest and we step forward into a sunlight-flooded room with a central raised platform holding up a single black pedestal. "Welcome to my lair you whackjob of a prince" ... Yeah, not what I was expecting.

A viewing ball pops out of the pedestal and the clouds shift up, giving me an IMAX-experience series of images showing me that the Evil Queen was actually an archangel who had a inclination towards the color black. She lived above the humans watching them and preventing the escape of demons and evil things from the dungeons of Heaven. Snow White, in turn, is a fallen angel who feasts upon the flesh of mankind once she finds someone who loves her, thus setting her free from her restrictions of being forced into a mortal form. Also, by liberating one of the fallen angels from their mortal prisons I've somehow unleashed the powers of ALL the other bad angels from their bindings. Sad day.

The Queen sends me back down in a tornado to go hence forth and capture my betrothed. Wandering around the streets of NYC, I was at a loss of what to do. That is, until I stumble upon Snow White living in a cardboard box, crouched over and chowing down on something that could only be described as a bloody stump. I'm like, "Oh my love, I bemoan thy sorry state and woe is me for loosening this beast upon the world" and then I jumped her (but not all sexy-like, like when I woke her from the poisoned apple spell mishap. This was more reminiscent of pig wrestling). Unfortunately she gets away and proceeds to demolish buildings, ripping apart every human in her path

...

Then I woke up. My bad

Photo Credits: Snow White, Heaven

Starships Were Meant To Fly

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Fri, 11 May 2012 14:20:00 +0000

This dream was from a couple years back

It was a super nice day. Wind rushing through the tall green grasses of an open field with a few white fluffy clouds floating in the blue sky, but not enough to hide the glorious yellow sun, feeling all content and peaceful and all that warm fuzzy goodness brought on by a perfect day. So what's a guy to do during a day like this? "Eff this shiznit, I'm going SKYDIVING!... without a parachute!!" (I'm totally hxc like that). The thought was exhilarating to no end and I found myself up strapped up in a helicopter screaming and laughing maniacally like it was the best roller coaster ride ever. Then I jumped.

Sadly, I don't remember the actual fall but it must have been spectacular. Splattering on impact seems like the most logical next step in this progression of events, but instead I landed hard on my back, distantly acknowledging that I had broken pretty much all my bones and taking in a gorgeous view of the blue skies and rolling hills before succumbing to my demise.

I became conscious again about 10,000 years in the future when they had invented a copying/printing machine with the ability to resurrect people from the dead as long as you had their picture in full color. As I leapt out of the copier/printer machine I exclaimed "Holy crap this is pretty sick!" (you try being eloquent after you've been dead for 10,000 years) before noticing that all my closest buds were popping out of the copier/printer after me. BEST DAY EVER

I forgot to mention that this copier/printer/resurrection machine was aboard a starship cruising through space. Oh, and that the spaceship also had a mall to blow the minds of all malls currently in existence. First up on the agenda: future shopping. After spending a bit of time hanging out, catching up on how we all died, and wondering why everyone looked the same age (it was because they only resurrected people in the youthful prime of their lives, but with all the memories from their entire lives intact. Damned convenient), I facepalmed hard. "What the hell are we doing? I'm in freaking outer space. I should probably take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity" So we donned space suits in this obscenely elaborate hangar bay and caught some breathtaking close-up views of some stars and the surrounding nebula (... we higher than a mothafuckaaaa!!)

...

Then I woke up thinking... I don't even remember. Too long ago

Photo Credits: Sky, Copy Machine, Starship

Miley Sued For Gamma Ray Use

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Thu, 10 May 2012 16:30:00 +0000

As Miley Cyrus, I was in the middle of figuring out which of my lives I liked better: a small town country bumpkin or *sticks hands underneath armpits and then takes a huge whiff* a SUPASTAH! Naturally, this contemplation was brought about because I had fallen in love with two men from two different worlds (because boys are and should definitely be the most pivotal catalyst in a teenage girl's life). I had refused to leave them behind while I toured the countryside, so I brought them both with me on my worldly exploits, each with his own trailer.

I was on my way to somewhere that I assumed was a concert, with prairies turning into mountains turning into forest as road signs flashed by saying "50 miles to go!" then "what's 40-10 miles to go?" then "wtf is math doing on a sign" then finally "3 miles to go - you're almost there!!!". I was upset because I couldn't figure out which life (read: guy) I should choose because I woke up feeling a bit randy that morning and wanted both.

We reached our destination and it turns out to be the outside of courtroom. Here my perspective was wrenched out of Miley's head and I became her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus. Thank God because being trapped in a girl's body was just disorienting as hell. Anyway, Kristin Chenoweth comes trampeding into the courtroom waiting area dressed in a white cowboy outfit fuming at me saying how she knows how I've been dating other women and that I'll never find anyone as good as her (Agreed. That woman is a siren goddess).

Kristin then executes an impressive series of gymnastic tumbles and dance moves before landing in a front split with her hand extended saying, "You'll never find a woman who can do that and more for you Billy Ray!" Taking her hand, I shrink her down to doll size, rummaging under her 10-gallon hat for her unconscious tiny body and putting her in my pocket. And whaddyaknow, she had Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth (!)... which I take of course (spoils of love and war eh?)

Courtroom proceedings commence and it turns out Miley had directed a movie that involved the illegal use of gamma radiation (yay science!). Suing her was this stupidly intimidating man with a dark black goatee who accused her of using helicopters to drop gamma-irradiated powder (yay questionable science!) on the actor while he performed in her movie, thus transforming him into a rampaging green Tyrannosaurus rex (personally I'd be pretty thrilled at this prospect since he can apparently turn back into a man...).

They played a clip of the film which clearly showed the man becoming a T-rex, throwing up clouds of dirt and dust while his co-actors screamed and fled from the scene. Miley tries defending herself by saying that all she wanted to do was re-create Jurassic Park as close to reality as possible... earning her enthusiastic applause from the entire courtroom and a guest appearance by Dr. Hank Pym and the Wasp (original Avengers members in the comic books) saying how they vehemently supported her decision to make people into dinosaurs. Justice wins again!

Next up on the courtroom's agenda: The General Populace vs. Science. A city in Europe had been shrunken down to 1/1000th of its size using a giant bubble and the outside world was outraged; however, the city's population was ecstatic because they were contributing to the alleviation of world hunger

...

Then I woke up to construction workers jack hammering outside my window

Photo Credits: Miley/Hannah, Lasso of Truth, T-Rex

Masochist Warrior Triggers Protective Vengeance

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Wed, 09 May 2012 16:20:00 +0000

My sister and I were back home in my parents' bedroom watching some Saturday morning cartoons (anyone remember when they were actually good?) when in busts this 8 foot tall dude decked out in a full suit of fancy medieval armor brandishing a massive longsword. Caught off guard, he bum rushes me while my sister nimbly rolls out of the way. Using my teleportation skills (I have magical powers!) I quickly recover and appear behind him with my sister and try to channel Harry Dresden from Jim Butcher's novels, screaming something along the lines of "ventas servitas" trying to summon a gust of wind to pin him against the bed. He repels my attack and the gust of wind turns against me as he gets up and runs down the hallway. Meanwhile, I try to set him on fire with my mind. To no avail, I try to follow him through this set of doors which actually don't exist.

Little did I know he had turned invisible and changed out of his clanking metal armor into stealth sleeveless leather huntsman gear as he sneaks past me back into the bedroom and shuts the door. After I struggle against the invisible force field he'd created, I find him visible, viciously attacking my sister with daggers... but she manages to hold him off using some super awesome ninja skills! He turned to face me as I seethed with protective rage and said, "You bastard that's my sister!" (I really do have a way with words) and faced him off for a duel.

He ends up tripping over a random toilet that's appeared because the bedroom has turned into a gleaming marbled bathroom. As he crashes down, I start going at him in blind vengeance, cutting into him with a ceramic knife I conveniently had in my pocket repeating over and over, "This is what you get for attacking my sister!" I couldn't bring myself to actually kill him, so instead I sprayed perfume all over him (assuming it had a high enough alcohol concentration to make his wounds burn, obviously) and then threatening to set him on fire. As he lays in the bathtub, he then taunts me telling me to finish the job I started, that he's actually a giant and thus is basically a rogue with +1000 STR so no one can stop him and either to continue torturing him or end his life preserved in a noble fight to the death and so on an so forth.

Here I decide I should be polite and ask the dude how exactly he would like me to proceed. Turns out he's always wanted someone to inflict a gory wound to his upper arm. I was like, "All right" and proceeded to use my knife to inflict a clean surgical cut from the tip of his bicep to the back of his tricep, exposing the warrior's arm down to the bone. Apparently this is where giants' guts are kept because it wasn't just simple muscle, fat, and bone as you'd expect, but instead there's some weird shapes that look uncannily like intestines and his kidney (weird, right?).

I immediately felt super bad and offered to heal his wounds (using my magic powers of course) and that we'd part as friends; but he stated that this was what he wanted and refused care. He did assure me that we were in fact friends after this debacle (/tear). However, as he started to pass out from the blood loss I took it upon myself to pull some Reckoning-style healing (which I saw hot-keyed as R1+Circle) and concentrate, making some incredibly embarrasing grunting noises with my hands on his arm and back in an effort to close his wounds so he wouldn't die

...

Then I woke up and had to pee

Photo Credits: Reckoning, Perfume, The Ex Knife Holder

Greek Olympians Meets The Little Mermaid

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 08 May 2012 16:48:00 +0000

Me, some chick in a white shirt (we'll call her Rachel), and this random guy Mike were just hanging out when the Greek goddess Hera appears all brown haired and statuesque and tells us that we must venture underwater to help out with a problem the Pantheon was having. Swimming through the sea in what mostly consisted of jeans and t-shirts, we happen upon one of Poseidon's 4 brothers (cause you know, Poseidon had 2 other brothers mythology failed to record): this Enrique Iglesias-looking type dude chilling out on a rock in an underwater cave (now referred to as Enrique). He tells us that Ursula (the evil fat octopus bitch from The Little Mermaid) was stealing the phytoplankton from the upper layers of the ocean by convincing the coral to trap them and weave intricate tiny tunnels from the sunlit areas of water down into the places where the sun don't shine using King Triton's big magical stick thing!

Seeing as she's 100 feet tall and has created a giant swirling whirlpool of death, we try to take her out Prince Eric-style with a giant section of broken wood... except that she morphs into a giant shark illuminated by lightning. Mike starts laughing and asks, "Anyone know what the downside to having a fin is?!"

... There is no punchline and I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question because we manage to get blindsided by this giant shark fin and get sent through the whirlpool of death where we shrink down to a microscopic level and see the little rivulets of channels working their way through the coral. Shimmering phytoplankton litter the sea floor and beg us to save them from the evil bitch's grasp. We make it to the shore and thankfully Prince Eric himself had already begun preparations to take the bloated monstrosity down.

I missed the climactic battle, but I'd assume if you've seen The Little Mermaid you'd get the gist of it. Anyway, we return to Enrique's lair to have Aphrodite and Hera show up. Of course Aphrodite is bangin' with her wavy blonde hair and borderline-slut-toga and gold jewelry, but she does in fact have pink irises in the shape of little hearts. Her and Hera start arguing about the best way to celebrate Ursula's downfall, and it comes to the decision that the Poseidon brothers will go forth and sleep with as many chicks as possible before the night ends. By now, Enrique and I have fallen inexplicably in love and this notion of him setting out with his brothers to father some young upsets me to no end, even though he does offer his regret. Dejected, Rachel, Mike, and I head home.

Upon arrival we get jumped by my talking dog, this huge German shepherd, who excitedly conveys to me that Aphrodite has promised to turn into a goat and have sex with him! As we enter into the house, I notice some rattling in the upstairs apartment and figure it was probably Enrique returning to rub his conquests in my face.

However, the noises were from him just throwing things across the room and shaking the bed to make it seem like he's gallavanting with scores of lushly women to his brothers, who were also for some reason there. Instead, as I enter the door he tells me to sit with him and confesses he wasn't able to go through with it because of his feelings for me... (I know right? Dawwww)

...

I woke up in a meadow next to Rachel and Mike and I tell them about this frickin epic dream I had when I realize I had left my laptop in my Jeep. As I go to retrieve it my car is jumped by a gang ready to fight

....

Then I woke up to me turning off my laptop because it was making this horrible screeching ventilation noise but couldn't because I got distracted by YouTube videos

....

Then I woke up for reals wishing I owned a dog. Fun night

Photo Credits: 2011 Pirelli Calendar, Ursula Battle, German Shepherd