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Public Speaking Without Fear

As usual, I was pushing myself pretty hard, sweating and breathing hard.  At the end of the class, everyone was asked to sit up, place their hands in front of their chest with the palms on each other, and recite the word “ohm”.  Yep, pretty standard for a yoga class.

And I found myself feeling like “this is really nerdy.  I wonder what people will think of me?” 

Immediately, I stopped, and thought about that.

Why was I concerned with what others thought of me in that situation?  Perhaps I was not comfortable in the room, because I didn’t know anybody, and didn’t hold rapport with anyone.

What I realized was this: the class was for me, and me only.  To help my body and mind.  What would I have lost if I said “ohm”?  Nothing?  I only had things to gain in that situation.  The consequence cost was at nothing.

So I continued to chant with the class with ease, and I knew that no one was judging me, because everyone else was doing it!

When you go in the world, and do things that you may think others may judge you about, consider that not everyone is being critical of you. They may not even know you exist!

“Dance as if no one is watching”

What I’ve come to realize is that when you want to built rapport with someone, you must make them feel comfortable around you. That will allow you to have prolonged, connected conversations, and will make the meeting worthwhile.

• Start with confidence: When speaking to a person with confidence, you feel safe. There is no need to have to work hard to help or save the other person. Furthermore, you remove discomfort by showing you are a safe person to talk to: you aren’t volatile. The person your talking to is not your therapist. Remember: speak at a moderate pace, keeping stillness in mind.
• Lead the conversation by asking questions: This works wonders. People love hearing themselves talk. So let them talk about themselves by asking them questions. They will feel important, and in turn, feel comfortable with you. Make sure to ask appropriate questions like “Where are you from?” or “Where is the coolest place you have traveled to?”. Avoid questions relating to sex, religion, politics, death… anything that might lead to an uncomfortable, and controversial conversation.
• Ask follow-up questions: These are gold, will allow you to extend the conversation, and avoid awkward silences, which create discomfort.
• Don’t be afraid to walk away: This is a hard decision to make. As soon as you feel like the conversation is dying, walk away. You can always come back and continue where you left off. Saying something like “Alright, I have to go make sure my friends are okay. I’ll see you later”. This tells the person that you hold social status with other people, that you are a natural leader (confidence), and perhaps you’ll meet again. You can take some time away to think of what next to say.
• Avoid social tests: Some people may test your level of confidence by asking you questions that make you vulnerable. This may include topics of sex, religion, politics, etc. The best way to avoid these questions is to either remain vague, give a quick vague answer and move to another topic, or ignore the question. These tests come at a moments notice, and by keeping your cool, you can retain your high status and confidence. One of my favorite responses is “Do you ask everyone this? Anyway…” and then move to another topic.
• Introduce others: Bring new people into the conversation! This is a great way to show that you are a leader with confidence, and can help you either get away from the person talking in a polite manner, or take a break from the conversation without leaving it.

The main component of making other people comfortable is being comfortable with yourself, and letting go of the need of validation.  These simple steps, along with other articles here at Improv Lifestyle will help you build comfortable rapport with others!

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Thanks again for all your support, and watch for future posts!

But what is the opposite of being strong in your wants? Someone who never gets what they want. The choice to not make choices will show you as a weak person. Confidence comes from knowing what you want, and how to achieve it.

To narrow it down, it also comes down to being specific about what you want.

How can you change this right now? Well, there is one choice that may come up in the next few days or weeks: “Where do you want to go to eat?” This is a question that comes up in my life a lot, and often, my response is “Well, where do you want to go?” Next time, try this: know exactly where you want to go, and observe the results. Often, if the other person will accept what you choose, and respect you for making the choice: you have become the leader, and the other will follow.

The other side of this is when the person says “Eh, I don’t want to go there”. Follow up with other choices. Remain in the lead, and you will earn respect.

Here’s another thought. Enter into a meeting prepared to state what you want, and how you plan on achieving it. You have become a leader by immediately taking control. Others will follow.

The downside to this is when you become a leader, you often stay that way, and will be counted on to lead in most occasions. Sometimes, I don’t want to be the leader, but it is often expected. You often are given responsibility in occasions where you just want to relax.

But here’s a thought: what if you thought inside the box for a moment? Use all the knowledge you currently have, and live in that moment. You have all these tools you have acquired over the span of your life: practical tools, social tools, etc. Why not put them to good use? Don’t avoid what you do well.

I have a problem: I am really good with working with computers. It’s something that my friends sometimes take advantage of. But I know that skill is something that I do well. Being the “Computer Guy” can sometimes be annoying, and I have tried to avoid it, but those skills keep coming to the forefront. So I have stopped ignoring it and have embraced what I do well. By continuing to be the “Computer Guy”, I have been able to branch out relationships just because someone needed help with their computer. I have received gifts, life lessons, and most importantly, rapport, from not ignoring what I do well.

You do things well. Put those things to work at first before you move forward.

If you’re a regular reader here at Improv Lifestyle, you know that failure is a good thing. It allows us to grow, find out what works, and what doesn’t.  Failure is part of the life experiment: we hypothesize an outcome, and if it doesn’t come out the way we plan, we create a new hypothesis and try that one out.  Eventually, we’ll come to an outcome that works, and our success comes from trying again and again.

One of the hardest parts of failing is knowing that something you did didn’t work. That can be really hard to think about. Fears and thoughts come into our mind: “I’m not good enough, I didn’t do the right thing”.  This can lead to feeling bad about ourselves, and get into a “woe is me” mindset, which I like to call “playing the victim”.

Being a victim only has one goal: to get others to give you sympathy. But as much as we love and respect our friends, we cannot and shouldn’t count on them to be the sole ones to make us feel better. The only one who is going to feel better is yourself. So, when you’re down and out, reframe your situation.

Reframing works like this: look at a negative situation, which is riddled with failures and missteps, and find a way to put it into a positive light.

One of the most common reframes is this: “Well, at least I have my health”. That is usually one of the best reframes. It puts things into perspective.

Take a look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Each level represents a part of fulfillment. If you’re on a higher level, the ones below it don’t matter.  I offer this: make the lower levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy matter, and appreciate that you have them. If you don’t, take action to get them. Don’t just be a victim, sitting in inaction, get out and do something about your situation!

Here are my favorite reframes:

• I learned something valuable from event.
• I have food and shelter (the first level of Maslow’s Pyramid).
• I have friends who I can go have fun with.
• There are actions I can take right now to get out of this rut.
• What are the things that I should be smiling about?
• What do I have that others may not (can I help them?)
• The answers and successes are out there, all I have to do is put in the work to achieve them.

So go out there, fail, and find the positive parts of life!

The article is about the various ways you can end a story.  Here’s a sample:

The art of telling a story is something that can be learned. If you look back at A Formula For Telling A Good Story, you’ll see how to create an effective arc of a story. However, the idea of “The Button”, or ending, can be confusing to some. How do you end the story on a high note? These are the 4 most common and effective sorry endings.

1. Lesson Learned - In the story, you encountered a conflict that you had not encountered before. The ending to this story might be the the lesson you learned from solving the conflict.

To read the rest, head on over to DumbLittleMan and check it out!

If you’re in a public place with loud music (like a concert or a club), gently press your finger against the flap of skin on the face side of your ear. Gently push that skin inwards toward the ear canal. You can do it to yourself to hear, or you can press on the other person’s ear-flap to talk to them.

I tried it tonight, and it worked like a charm. I could hear them clearly, and they didn’t have to shout!

This could be one of the most controversial articles I’ve written. There may be a lot of people who disagree with the methods I will be writing about, but when distilled, the content in this article has been tested to positive results.

Before reading this article, familiarize yourself with “The Characteristics of High Status People and Low Status People“. It will help you understand certain behaviors of specific status choices.

The concept of status can be related to the idea of a seesaw:

When one side goes up, the other side goes down.

When artificially modifying status, there are two methods:

1. Modifying your status (moving your side up or down)
2. Modifying their status (moving their side up or down)

So, you have plenty of ways to go. And remember this: it is a seesaw. The seesaw can stall if both people are trying to raise status or lower status at the same time. The solution to this is to counteract the direction the other person is going.

If you are trying to raise your status, and the other person is raising their status at the same time, lower your status instead. The other person must choose to either raise their status (vs your low status), or compensate by raising your status (and lowering their status). You may have to “take a step back to take a step forward” (like lowering your status before re-raising it).

One of my favorite examples of manually changing status plays out like this:

Person A: “You were wrong to do that”

Person B: “You are right. I was wrong”

Person A: “Don’t be too hard on yourself”

Person A lowered B’s status. B lowered their own status. A compensated, and raised B’s status.

Here are some examples of status changing actions:

To raise your status:

• Be confident
• Make strong decisions, and stick to them
• Stand up straight
• Don’t tell entire stories, which makes people ask you questions
• Dress well and practice good hygiene
• Tell stories that put you in a positive light
• Speak without losing eye contact
• Speak with a moderate pace, not to slow, not too fast
• Don’t lose your temper

To raise their status:

• Be complimentary
• Ask questions to show interest
• Give a high-five
• Look them in the eyes, and smile
• Respond positively to stories by nodding, smiling, and laughing appropriately
• Be generous and give a gift

To lower your status:

• Look away while talking
• Apologize
• Speak in a lower volume
• Be uneasy in your choices and speech

To lower their status (WARNING - controversial, could backfire and make you look like a jerk or inadvertently lower your status):

• Pretend to give a high-five or handshake, then take it away. Follow with a smile.
• Don’t pretend to laugh at jokes or be responsive to stories
• Deflect insults
• Make a negative comment about someone’s hygiene (hair, clammy hands, etc). Follow with a smile.
• When someone makes a negative comment towards you, respond with “Don’t you judge me”.

Those are just examples, but gives you an outline of things you can do to manipulate status.

Got some other ways to manipulate status? Let us know!