....In Laura's Locket....

New Beginnings

2012-08-01T18:24:00.000+01:00

No longer a cat Lady. Nope.

No longer crazy....yes.

Starting a new start....starting college!!

Gong to be an Art student.

Goodbye agoraphobic mentally unstable strange person.

I am soooo normal now.

I applied for college as someone called Rosie....who the hum dinger is Rosie?

I'm not sure but she marched Laura along and I got in, so i guess this means Im taking my first steps back into the real world.

Thanks for reading Laura's Locket, its been a laugh.

lovely followers, I appreciate your encouragement.

Gonna share some of my artings and hopefully some more humourous wisdoms and life lessons will follow....

check out www.writedrawlau.blogspot.co.uk

LOVE YOU FOREVER BERT AND ERNIE xxxxx

My Grampa

2012-06-03T02:35:00.002+01:00

Something to say Happy Birthday to you...

My Grampa is a smashing chap,

His hair is like a cloud,

He has a rounded tummy

and he tends to speak quite loud.

He always makes us laugh,

he always makes a joke,

Hes always causing trouble,

He is such a funny bloke!

Hes very kind and generous

And acts just like a boy

He always looks on the bright side

And brings lots of fun joy.

Hes done a lot of interesting things,

Like sold Roald Dahl a car.

He's even escaped from a casino

when the gambling went too far.

Hes very good at helping

If your trying to get something done...

he likes to work out how things work,

I think he finds it fun.

Sometimes he wears boxer shorts,

and sometimes khaki pants,

His hair is puffed up lovely

He's my super trendy gramps!

He sings along to funny songs,

With sometimes actions too...

Us Grandkids are all very lucky

to have a Grampa like you.

He's always very sensible

You'll never find him drunk,

If he gets a little bit hungry

He will tell you that he's shrunk!

He likes a cornish pasty,

A banana or some cheese,

He might have knobbly knees but

He's always looking dapper

As his hair blows in the breeze.

He combs his locks to keep them nice,

They're thick and white and curly..

He tells me Im a very good boy,

and my brother to be a good girly.

I love my Grampa very much,

He always makes me smile,

Your the best Grampa that there is,

With your original hair style.

Finally

2012-05-02T20:27:00.001+01:00

Hello world.

It has been an extremely long time since I've written in Laura's Locket.

I havnt known what to write, I havnt wanted to write. I've been busy living instead. Ive been painting and arting like crazy, and being sociable and keeping on top of stuff...

Ok so I may have spent a little bit of time cat-ladying and nothinging, but hey, thats ok. Ive been doing some serious growing and wing spreading.

But I have been meaning to blog for a while, and absoutely had to today, because tomorrow begins a new secion of my life. I cant leave Lauras Locket just mysteriously unfinished.

Tomorrow, I will be 21 years old. A proper grown up. Reaching this age symbolises a lot for me. The years leading up to it have certainly been turbulant. I cant remember the last time I looked forward to my birthday...a day where you celebrate being born and look forward to another year.

I remember at 17 being convinced that by the age of 21 I will most definitely have killed myself, or at least be permanently sectioned and therefore pretty much barely alive.

But guess what....I have made it and I have overcome all that. And all that pain and ache and emptiness I had, its slowly been melting away.

And I finally feel like I have my life back. The world is my sardine, or whatever they say.

Tomorrow I will be 21, I am celebrating with friends and family, and I know its going to be the year that I turn things around. Because I am becoming whole and life is now exciting.

Ive hated all the heartache Ive caused, Ive hated the pain Ive been in, both mentally and physically. But I know it has made me stronger. It has made me who I am today. It has led me to the people that inspire me and give me hope, beautiful people who understand, friends for life.

Lovely Hollie gave me a birthday card today. Inside it says "May the year you are about to enter grant you the promise of success that knows no bounds; friendship and love, blessings from above, and dreams you never imagined would come true".

I've already done something I never thought I would possibly have the confidence and togetherness to do. I have some very good news people....in my absence of blogging, I have sold some artwork, I have applied for art college, I have been to an interview, I have been accepted for a diploma in art and design at Bournemouth, and I start in Septemeber...

I cannot wait!!!!! I still cant believe its me. The same girl who was too afraid to leave her flat, who's voice disapeared when she tried to talk, and who didnt dare look up from the ground if she was out for fear of being visible.

Its so good to have some really good exciting news, i have so much to look forward to now. I also have some very very sad news.

I still cant really talk about without crying. Willie, you might want to grab some tissues.

My boys, my gorgeous Bernies, who brought me so much happiness and who I loved and will love forever...they're not with me anymore.

I was struggling for money, I was struggling with M.E. I was struggling to keep on top of housework, and they liked to make a lot more mess. They got so big! I think they needed more space, a chance to explore the outside world. And then they got fleas when we went to the vets, and let me tell you that was terrible. It got out of control and was driving me crazy. And driving my poor cats crazy.

It was the hardest decision, to give up my babies. I did it because I love them. I miss them soo much.

They are at Kingston Maurward cattery, waiting to be rehomed, I pray together because they are brothers and have always been together.

Home still doesnt feel right without them. But I know when I start college, I will be out most of the day 5 days a week, and cats are a huge committment.

The day before they went, we stayed up all night cuddled up together, Bert on my chest, blinking at me lovingly, Ernie rolled over with his legs in the air and purring like a tractor.

It was awful saying goodbye. It was awful seeing them fight so hard not to be put in a box. its like they knew. I tried to reassure them, to tell them it would be ok. I really hope they are ok.

All I want now is for them to go to a home where they will be loved as much as I loved them. If anyone is interested, please please go to the website. It doesnt do them justice, but I promise they are the loviest boys who will give you so much comfort and affection.

Anyway, thats all I can say, because now I am crying. and theres no need for that because really, I am happy.

21 tomorrow, the start of a new beginning. The end of some teenage years and early adulthood that shouldnt have been as hard as they were, but have set me up to fight anything in life.

I've stll got a way to go. But I am getting there,..wherever there may be.

I am so grateful for the lovely family that I have, my beautiful friends, and the support that Ive had a long the way.

Tomorrow I am celebrating in style. Thats with my fellow nutters at the Funny farm, then the artists at the srt group, then seeing my mum....and finally my friends in bridport where I grew up, a folk music gig and a couple of drinks.

Yes I still have M.e, which means I am usually exhausted after 7pm...but tomorrow Im pretending that doesnt exist and just gonna have a good time.

I dont know when I will next be writing in Lauras Locket. Probably when I next have a meltdown and need somewgere to let go.

Thank you anyone who's been reading, Jeff, Mum, Hollie, Willie. This blog was the start of me rebuilding my life, it is special to me and will always be a reminder that I am strong.

I am a survivor.

Tomorrrow Im a grown up....oh Jeez.

Looking forward to the future.

Peace, Shalom, all things lovely

Laura xxxx
http://www.westdorsetrspca.org/cats_in_need_of_homes.htm

Outward, Inward

2012-01-16T18:15:00.000+00:00

Not being carried away by the thought stream, just sitting on the bank.

I went out today to see some special people. I walked into town and felt the cold breeze against my face. I saw the wind blowing through the trees.

Awareness that focuses entirely inward, into the mind, the spirit and the self, while failing to give due attention to the wonders of the nature of the universe , is merely a partial experience.

To travel onwards we need to go joyfully out into the world as well as deep into the recess of our being.

Wise words that happen to be next to me in my dexk of wise words.

The Artist

2012-01-15T22:01:00.001+00:00

Havnt blogged in a while, brain hasbeen waaaay too sloppy.

Started the New year with all good intentions telling myself if i want to be better i can make myself better...came to the hard realisation that sometimes no matter how hard you want to be different you cant always keep whats really there away.

So I could feel it coming,that horribble drowning feeling before getting sallowed by emptiness. I probably felt the early pangs of it about the start of December,but decided to keep myself busy to keep it all at bay, but then soo exhausted...my head got all shouty and the voices started bickering and my head thoughts started to fuzzle and i felt a lot of panic.

Hibernated for a bit. Jumped every time the phone rang, Switched off phone. Just me, 2 kitties, paintbrushes coffee and cavasases. Had an Art Attack.

Have been tortured all week by the voice that says im so selfish for locking myself in and i should be going out and why am i so stupid and what sort of person is afraid of the phone ringing and everyone must be cross at me for how i am andddd.....but stayed in anyway and feel a lot better now.

Had human contact yesterday with Wise Hollie, so I know that Im still real.
Continued the art attck onto her bedroom wall...now a lovely spiral of tester pot colours.

I know its probably strange to feel like this... but I think sometimes i neeeed to switch everything off and just paint.

At other times I need to write.

Sometimes I cant do either. But my brain is doing both in my head. Blah blah blah...

Dont know what im on about now.

Meow meow

Oh God i think i have gone crazy...
But i think its jst called being a creative individual. My creativity is the bane of my life. I.cannot/.sit.still..unelss..im doing///somethinhg n sometimes im too tired but head is just like rar rar rar.

Constantly feeling guilty for not bein like the rest of society telling myself i ought to have a job and i should get out more....but then i thought...its my life and i keep trying to fight being a floaty cat lady who doesnt offer the world much apart from some words or squiggles...Im just one tiny speck in the whole universe. Just like you.

And who is anyone else to make a judgement of your life?

So Im just trying to accept that I am me and this is how i am and its ok. Ok?

im sorry for any inconvernience.

Ok Im gonna go now.

oh and Ernie fell out the window toda it was terriffying but it did make me run outside to get him, andhe seems ok but a bit dopey im a bit worried i love him so much but i think he is ok :)

Ok bye

I should blog more regularly if I want to have a good blog...but I will just do it when I can. Which is more annoying to me that it could possibly be to anyone reading this. Because im always writing in my head.

This is getting weird, Im gonna go. Bye.

Rise & Shine

2012-01-04T08:59:00.001+00:00

Bright and Cheery and a little sleepy waking up at 6am.
Have started the day with me cheerios as part of my New Years Resolutions plan to eat proper three meals a day. So far so good. Ive realised I can function much better with food in my tummy. Having sausage and mash tonight at my lovely friends Sue and Tracey's.

Gonna have a shower and go out, to the library to return my books which I hope are not overdue. Cant find my Library card, which is my favourite card since I can get more out the library than I can out of my bank account, because there are lots of books in the library and not so much money in my bank.

Must also not forget to go pick up my prescription...New Years resolution to take meds as prescribed nearly went out the window last night when run out of pills, luckily found the exact two right ones rolling round in my kitchen draw, and the other one under my pillow. So far so good.

Then I am seeing Chris my brain man, and not forgetting the completion of my 2011 reminiscence.

So far this morn have fed the kitties and gone back to bed and done some knitting. I am knitting a green and pink woolly head band. I wonder if anyone reading actually thinks i look like this:

Quick thing

2012-01-03T22:57:00.003+00:00

One last thing before bed, actually 2.

Firstly, just to say Im going to try and get better at replying to comments and interacting more bloggilly. Have just scrolled through my comments and tried to get back to them all. Sorry about the delay. Scrolling through previous post and comments leads me to my second thing...secondly I would like to know, Out of interest, would you consider this to be more along the lines of a hot dog, or more of a sausage roll?

Sensible answers only please :)

A few years of Life

2012-01-03T22:24:00.009+00:00

I am becoming increasingly aware that I am writing increasingly useless things on my blog, such as posts about cheerios and cat poo. I want to write something interesting, as real writers should, but a relatively mundane life (i dont work and I dont get out much) means that sometimes interesting content is hard to come by. Also, it is sad, but I cant read much, so I dont really know what people want to read, if u get me.
Luckily, I have the 24/7 loud thoughts and chit-chat in my head to guide me on the path of ... enlightenment (unlikely).... or crazy cat ladydom (likely).....or interesting blog content (wishfully).

AT the end of 2011, I wanted to write a review of 2011. At the end of 2011, I was a) too exhausted to do this b) to busy to do this, what with needing to rest between each gift wrapping and c) too un-brain-together to do this. It is a little overdue than I would have liked, but right now in 2012 I am tired but brain-awake to do this. I figures a reflection on the previous year could help with the goals for another year as I pickle my way onwards on this journey they call life.

..well I cant really remember if I set any goals or was even aware that another year had passed...My main goal in life was probably along the lines of soon dying a sweet and painless death, such as being hit by a bus or accidentally falling off a cliff. Either that, or to wake up as someone else and be normal and not lonely and hold down a job and 'snap out of it'.

On reflection, 2011 turned out to be a pretty good year. Maybe the first in a long time.

I had recently moved into a brand new flat following living in a shitty emergency bedsit where there was green stuff stuck to the bath and i could reach the kitchen from my bed and spent most nights sitting wide awake with my eye on the rattling handle as drunken men started fights outside my door, which they liked to piss on. I was alone and it was cold, and I didnt eat much... but I was glad to be there since it was better than the previous.

But I was really scared and I thought I was better but was still pretty sick...

Mental illness is a horibble thing. I felt trapped in myself. I tried to talk but the words wouldnt come out. I felt empty. Everything was dark. The noise in my head and the noise outside was overhwelming. Panic would rise up from my belly and into my chest and constrict my lungs and my voice was lost. AND i COULDNT BREATHE. I felt pain...a great big gaping hole where my heart should be and an ache in my chest so deep that it hurt to breathe. A cocktail of medication didnt work, not when I took them as prescribed and not when I overdosed to try and end it. I would only end up in a hospital bed with a drip stuck in my arm and sticky pads dotted over my body, which was wasting away under the pressure of life and self-punishment through starvation and scarring, wired up to a machine that tracked every painstaking heart beat.

I hated the pain all around me, and I couldnt stand the pain I was in.

This might all sound a bit dramatic. Blame it on the Personality Disease blah or PTSD blah whatever...but this is how I felt. I was not crying out for attention, I was not deciding to opt out of life for a while. I was broken inside and everything felt wrong. Nothing was fun, colours were in sepia, nothing was interesting, spaces were empty.

i got two meddlesom cats called Bert and Ernie, and resolved myself to the fact that it is better to just take my meds, i started drawing and writing. I started to accept myself.I started to turn my life around.

So I think i might write about that tomorrow, since now after waffling for so long about more useless and probably uninteresting things, not as a real writer should, I am far too exhausted and brain-wonky to do this now. since one of my goals in 2012 is to write more on my blog, because it made for a better year and started me on the journey through my soul that I am determined to end in a full recovery from mental illness or chronic fatigue.

Off to feed the cutey cats now, then bed. So here ends my practically life story review of my life, which I was not planning to write. Crazy cat lady returns tomorrow for a (probably long and waffly and equally useless but purposeful to me) review of 2011.

Thanks for reading, Bernie say bye xxx

Rainy Day

2012-01-03T08:58:00.001+00:00

finally getting the hang of rising bright and early from under the duvet. Sleep is light and broken but on the plus side this means im awake at 6 to start the day. Ok, maybe 7 or 8. Waking up is not the same thing as getting up. Have to wait for brain and body to work.

It is grey and horribble and windy and rainy out my window,so im having a bowl of cheerios to cheer me up.

Just found a scratch on my face...cats like to dig at the duvet and punch me in the face to get a bit of attention.

already done the washing up this morning....its only been piling up for a few days, and now its cleeean.

Bert is finishing the milk left from my cheerios. Think Ernie's gone back to bed.

Today i am going to glaze my bowl that i made out of lots of little clay balls that look like pebbles. Off to the funny farm shortly, just need to get dressed and have a wash and away we go, cant wait to see the fat piggys again, missed them over xmas.

Cheerio.

A Rainbow

2012-01-02T17:49:00.006+00:00

Things seem to be going well so far this year.
I like it when it is only 2 days into a year because not much has gone wrong yet...ive remembered to took my meds proper (always forget), seen my nan and fam, helped Hollie out and she's helped me. I babysat Flo for a while this morning, she is not so sure about Bernie. But she has learnt to say 'ahhhhh' at them. They kept following her and staring at her whilst she sat and smiled and took all the cat biscuits out the cat bowl. I didnt let her eat any.

Get this.... just before Hollie and Flo and I went to tescos, we were looking out Hollie's window and she said its grey i think theres going to be hail stones...and then it started hailing stoning. so we watched, and then I said, I think theres going to be a rainbow. And because Hollie likes God I said God if you like us then you will make a rainbow.....and then there was a beautiful arch in the sky with all the glorious colours of the rainbow, red orange yellow green blue indigo and violet because I checked, basically a rainbow. It was a beaut.

Hollie thinks a rainbow is a promise from God that everything is going to be ok. I think a rainbow is a pretty thing that happened because I had the feeling that it would. But who knows. The bottom line is, rainbows are cool.
Here is a picther which dosnt really do it justice:

We done our shopping and now I have food in my cupboards and my fridge and my freezer. Cant really complain about anything. Did you know that if you have the luxury of having a supermarket up the road and food to eat, we are in the luckiest 10% of the world. So if you feel down about anything, just remember that we are lucky. Thats what I try to do anyway. And I feel pretty chipper.

It was much nicer going Tescos with someone, i get scared on my own. And I had been to the shop yesterday, but I only got cat food and cat litter and cat lady things because I forgot that I need to eat aswell.

Bernie dont let me forget that they need to eat. In future I will try to remember to buy my own food when I buy the kitty cat food, when there is a lot of meowing and an empty cupboard, this is my cue to go supermarket.

Now we have got back and lugged a baby and lots of bags up two flights of stairs (the worst thing about living in a flat), i am feeling very content to be cosily home with my boys and also a bit tired, but thats ok because its been a productive day and I saw a rainbow, and now I have my slippers on that I got with my money from santa, a nice bit of the ipod on shuffle, and Im back to the Funny Farm tomorrow where Im going to glaze my bowl i clayed. 2012 is good. And we have a promise from God or the universe or a good feeling or whatever, that things are gonna be alllll right. Hooray.

Going Out

2012-01-02T14:30:00.000+00:00

I need to put some food in my fridge, and my neighbour wise Hollie wants to get out and needs nappies (not for her, for the babba)....so we are going to Tesco's together.
I hate Tesco shopping.
Hollie likes Tescos.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
Off we go. bye.

2012

2012-01-01T18:37:00.003+00:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Havnt blogged in forever since xmas is a busy time of year and ive not had much to say or much vavoom to say it....
I hope everyone had a good one, mine was really nice spent with people that I love and seeing family and friends.

The kitty wittys spent crimbo by themselves which is a little bit sad but they did get fed and lets face it they dont kno the difference between christmas day and any other day so i tried not to feel too guilty.

but I am relieved its all over now, and New Year is the bit I like best because its a New Year which means a lovely fresh new start and a brand new clean calender.

I hope to get back into the swing of blogging regularly because it makes me feel like Im doing something with my life and it is good to keep up at something you like to do.

A lot of people use the New Year as a chance to make changes and improve thier lifestyle in some way. Sometimes we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be fitter or healthier or happier.

My cousin Lou came up with a brilliant New Years resolution that she asked me to make into a poster for her, so that every morning she can see it on her wall and tell herself to do it, like a sort of mantra to help her make 2012 a good year.

Because i liked her mantra and I made the poster, I am stealing her phrase and also using this as my New years resolution because I think its a good one, and really its all you can ever do, in order to succceed at life. This is my New Years Resolution:

I have in my head other things that I would like to start getting better at this year, for example producing some art work that I can feel prud of, taking my medication as prescribed, organizing my time better, remembering to eat properly at meal times to keep me healthy, and practising mindfulness more because this will help with all these things.

Im not setting any special rules really, just going with it and feeling positive that 2012 is going to be a year of progress.

Bernie seemed to have calmed down a lot since having the snip, so me and my boys are gonna stick together and just take one day at a time. But as it happens, they are both fast asleep on my lap and I am about to fall asleep too....sdo we just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEAR and good luck everyone for 2012....and...Watch this Space!

Good Tidings

2011-12-21T18:00:00.003+00:00

Hi
havent written for quite a while. havent had the energy or the time or the energy, or even the uncontrollable impulse for that matter, which is extreeemely weird for a creepy crazy blogging cat lady.

I am tired. I mean like proper tired. SO tired sometimes that it hurts my eyes to open them, it hurts my head to see, it aches my body to hold it upright. Some days I am finding it hard to walk.

Right now my fingers are shaky and numb, my knucles are purple with cold and my wrists ache just typing. The screen is hurting my eyes and my legs are very heavy but my feet are wriggling restlessly.My brain is ticking relentlessly.

Its not all bad though. I have some soothing music on to quieten down the noise, i have 2 pretty kitties cuddled up with me on my squishy cat-hairy sofa, roof over my head and keyboard to write with and a can of diet coke. Ive got things pretty cushdy, which makes me feel extrememly guilty.

I have things I need to do. Incase anyone hasnt noticed, it is nearly christmas. That Joyous time of year when you must face the busy crowds and scrape together your pennies and drag yourself to see people that you must see because it is christmas, and give carefully chosen presents to people who dont appreciate it. Hooray.

I love giving gifts and I love seeing family and friends with a smile, and i love roast potatoes. But I just dont have the energy that christmas requires, or the funds, or the non social anxiety. I also do not have the organization it requires to deliver cards on time, the concentration to sit and watch xmas films, or the patience to wrap bloody presents.

Bah humbug. I dont actually hate christmas. I think this year it will be fun. I just dread christmas.

I hate the build up to it. i hate the expectation it puts on families to come together and to give expensive things. I hate the commercial money making madness and the competition of who gave the best presents. I hate all the greed and the waste at christmas, and all the fake pretending of happy family and peaceful tidings to all.

and that song....”Feeeeed the woorrrld...Let them know its Christmas Time!”....why cant we feed the world all year round. Why does everyone pretend to be so nice at christmas? I think its becauseits nearly the end of the year and we have to feel that we are good kind human beings. I dont ant people to be nice at christmas. Why cant wejust be nice all year round, and share and feed the world and spread the joy and give little gifts here and there. Wh does it all save up until 25th December?

ANd I dont even believe in all that Jesus stuff so why am I even celebrating. BAHH HUmbUG.

But really,

I wish anyone reading this a very very merry christmas. And Also a happy 2012.

And I wont lie, because I am easily led and it is difficult to back out of christmas without seeming extremely selfish and unfestive and grinchy, I do have a piece of tinsel hanging up above my VW campervan picture, thanks to Wise Hollie, and I do have a pile of presents to wrap. And I am seeeriously looking forward to a day of fun and togetherness with lovely people and yummy food and crappy telly and laughing and... resting.

For anyone who is feeling the pressure this christmas, Here are Laura's top tips for a more manageable festive season:

Only buy presents for people who are going to appreciate it

Buy what you would like to give, not what the person expects or wants.

Dont feel guilty if you cant give a gift

If you cant afford to buy gifts...make them! cookies, a nice homemade card, knit something. Actions speak louder than words.

If you dont have the energy or time to make things, just give them a call, and let them know you are thinking of them.

Dont feel pressured to squeeze more in than you can cope with.

Relax and enjoy your time at christmas with the people who you choose, the people you like to be with.

(Sorry if this is terrible advice.... Im not an xmas expert or anything, its just off the top of my head..but this is whst Ive tired to do this year and Im having a merrier xmas than i have in years...with a smile!)

Festive Tidings Every body.

14/12/11

2011-12-15T09:04:00.004+00:00

Today has been exhausting. I have learnt some lessons and cried lots if tears and been worried and hurt and angry and sad for someone and strong for someone.
To cut a long story short, ive had a friend staying with me the last few nights. This morning i saved her life. I dont think she appreciates it. I dont think she appreciates me. Its her 21st birthday tomorrow. Im glad she is still here.
Im glad i have realised that you cant always help people. Not if they dont want to help themselves. I have done all i can for her, for years. Our friendship consists of me giving, and her taking.
I have got to toughen up. Because i care about her, because i want to be her friend, i have realised i cant keep picking up the pieces of the messes she gets herself into.

The doctor said it could have been life threatening. I cried. She smiled.

I have been where she is. I got to a point where i realised the damage i was causing all around me. She seems to revel in it... I am so confused.

I feel too tired to keep fighting against her, she does exactly as she wants and gets angry at anyone who tries to tell her otherwise. I care about her so much, too much to keep looking out for her when she is not even looking out for herself, and has no respect for how anyone else is feeling.

I luv her too much to watch her kill herelf, ive already seen one friend do that... And i feel so guilty but i hink the kindest thing i can do now, is walk away.

I hope one day she will look back and realise i only ever tried to be her friend.
Im not sure if Im doing the right thing or not....i know she is angry at me for teling her the truth. I know, for once, i am doing the right thing for me...because I really cant handle all the drama she creates. I just dont know if Im doing the right thing for her..... what a day...exhausted.

If you are reading....I luv you. I know you probably hate me now. I just want you to get better. Please please please start helping yourself, i have helped you as much as I can and I wish I could do more but there is no-one in the world who can make these things better, but you. x

An Annallogy

2011-12-08T23:51:00.012+00:00

I found a woman in the mirror,
She looked like someone brave.
She found a girl in her reflection
she found a girl in my reflection
I Found a girl in our reflection.
I found the woman in the haze,
I found a girl, I found a woman.
she stood thier uncertainly, lurching
She found a soul, I found her Self.
I found myself stood searching.

She found a girl in her reflection
Just rooted to the spot
She looked real, like how i felt
A person i'd forgot.
The little girl crawled back in her cave
The fear just started to rot.
She stood there staring
Intimidating
But wasnt scared anymore
The woman wasnt afraid no more
Of the broken faces and scars she saw
Not as red raw as they were before.
Perfections, imperfections
She met the whole collection
The people, the reflection,
I met me for a moment...
And then she was gone again.
Fragmented and blurry but perfectly sane
Still one brain.
She stood up tall, looked into the eyes
and vowed to break the chains.
I found my soul ablaze,
She found her in the haze
A woman looking brave.
A little girl flickered in a daze
Squirming through the mirror maze.
I felt like i was someone brave.
There stood a woman, she was brave.

My tinternets not working proper.

had a very productive week. Started off a bit dodge, got a bit more upset than I should have done, worried far too much and had to shut the world out for a bit and curl up in my bed.

But now its all k.

.....pulled myself together and simply startd again. Not as easy as I can make it sound, its actually very hard. But if you try hard enough you can do anything, probably.

What was it that brainy guy said-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I think thats probably right.

I havent ran a marathon this week or climbed Everest or visited the moon, or gone to Ethiopa and fed the hungry...

Buuutttt I have heaved myself up in the mornings. got myself out, taken on board my therapy sessions, got to TFF on time, forced myself to spent time with good people instead of drowning in isolation, tidied up my flat and also gotten on top of important grown up electicity-bills-and-groceries-car-tax-discs-and-post-reading-and-other-shit things that I should really do all the time but it takes a lot of energy, since it means having to focus in grown up mode for a useful amount of time. Since im only a kid, really. Old smelly Cat Lady. Im confused.

For some reason which I have forgotten, I was reading (I never read, I write...reading is hard,) but anyway I was reading about epilepsy, and now it makes a lot of sense to use my new knowledge of epilepsy to write an allanogy of my brain..annalogy? Alonagy? Aloonagy? you get what I mean...

Just to confirm, I do not have epilepsy. I sometimes have weird blackouts and seizures, but touch wood hasnt happened in a couple years. Weirdly enough since the doc told me to eat more salt... They normally tell u to cut down. But now i sprinkle salt on things and it seems to keep me conscious.

its somethhing to do with my bloood pressure is funny, i dunno...i had to go for a test where I got strapped to a table and tilted upwards until I passed out... great fun. Not.
its also happened when I was on a Christian Camp back in the God days and dont remember much other than an ambulance ride and they said i was dehydrated

Cant win really as it also happened when I was overhydrated and toxicated myself with water, according to the tilt table man. But anyway this was a few years ago and is completey off the point.

I also blacked out and started fitting and screaming when I didnt react well to getting my tongue pierced, but this is embarassing and pretty much self-inflicted if you take the man with a big needle out of the equation.. . But anyway, this is irrelevent.

What i was going to say is, It is very hard to control something that you feel you have no control over. For example, diabetics cant control thier body when having a seizure, Epileptics cant control a fit, alcholics cant control thier thirst.

But a diabetic can control thier diabetes, epilepsy can be controlled with treatment, an alcoholic can control whether they reach for another bottle.

You have to be strong and determined and do the things that are going to help you. Its hard. You cant always control how it makes you feel, but you do have a choice in deciding what you do about it.

People have seizures when the electrical signals in the brain misfire. The brain's normal electrical activity is disrupted by these overactive electrical discharges.

Baby aminals :)

A happy bunny wabbit

People can suffer from depression or anxiety or PTSD or BPD or D.I.D or whatever...when something in thier brains just stops working as it should. Sometimes a lot of pressure or trauma or stress can disrupt the normal functioning of the brain. Sometimes It can just shut down, or has to malfuncion to find new ways to cope, which can make you start acting a bit weird and stop you from living the life you had hoped for.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a choice to have an addiction, or to be depressed or not cope or simply shut down, or to have M.E. If there was an off switch I would always turn it off. But there isnt, it is what it is.... but you dont just have to accept it. This is where you have a choice.

I never want it. I always hate it.
Sometimes it gets the better of me.
Sometimes I can fight it.

You ar the only person who can make the difference.

Sometimes it feels like I am losing control. I feel trapped in my body, Im screaming inside to not feel how I do or act how I do but I dont have the energy to fight it.

But I am learning to take control.

Its making me feel much better. Its also making me more tired. But its better to be tired at the end of the day because youve been working hard, than tired at the end of the day because your sick of how things are and hate yourself for not having the energy to fix it.

So Im finding the balance between accepting it, and taking control of it. Im done with denying it, and pretending Im ok and suffering in silence. Im done with wallowing in it and being afraid and waiting for someone to rescue me.

Im putting the pieces together.

So Im starting to take control. In the midst of life's struggles it can be very hard to take control. But ultimately it is the only way things are ever going to change.

A Hot Dog

It can be scary watching someone have an epileptic seizure. The person may lose consciousness or seem unaware of what's going on. They might start making movements that they have no control over, or experience unusual feelings or sensations, such as unexplained fear. After a seizure, he or she may feel tired, weak, or confused.

This is the best analogy I can think of for what it can be like to suffer from a mental illness. Also for M.E, which inacse you dont know what that means, it means Myalgic Encephalopathy. And incase u dont know what that means....well im not sure either. Google might know. I dont even know how you say that word. But thats what ive got an its a pain in the bum to say the least...and the brain fog and occasional psychosis and malfunctioned fight or flight mechanism, with the anxiety and panic attacks and blurry slurry whizzing thoughts makes for a lovely cocktail of uncontrollable movements and unexplained feelings and sensations....

So with the aloonagy, although its competely dfferent, its a lot like Epilepsy in the effect it can have. Most people know what that word means so i thought it could help to understand...makes sense to me anyway.

Meow

I wouldnt blame an eplieptic for having a fit. Its not their fault. In hindsight, they may wish that they hadnt continued looking at the screen for so long, had so many late nights recently, or skipped so many meals... but its still not thier fault.

Im trying to apply this to myself. A few days where I felt that it was too hard to face the world, to scary to get out of bed, or more energy than i could muster to follow through with the plans I had made.....does not mean I have failed.

A babby HogHedge Curled Up in a Little Ball :)

Im tired of beating myself up about it.
i also need to stop worrying so much. i worry that i should be able to switch it off, that it means i am weak. i worry about how other people may percieve it.
This is pointless and silly and Im going to try and stop caring so much.

I know that I am trying. I couldnt live with myself if I wasnt! I wouldnt want that life...I am trying really hard.

I am the only one who knows who I am, how I feel, or what I need or dont need. If people think that Im being lazy, or choosing to not make an effort...then quite frankly that is thier problem and thier ignorance. I need to remember this.

Laura is taking control and taking responsibility and making some changes.

I am strong. I will rpove it to myself. I already did this morning when I got up and went out and did the things I told myself I would.

I can pull myself together.
I can take control.

Oh... And as discussed earlier, Just because someone has a seizure does not necessarily mean that person has epilepsy, though.
Just because I currently suffer from mental illness does not mean I am mental..like ive said before, I think everyones pretty normal. Just human really.

For some people with epilepsy, the seizures eventually become less frequent or disappear altogether. Im hoping this will also apply to things that I struggle with too.

Ahhh,love writing in my blog and coming out with useless philosphocilical things that make me seem like someone wise :)

Life is what you make it. Not what your limitations make it. Just hold on!

Spel check

2011-12-02T18:05:00.002+00:00

Bert and Ernie have been chopped. They have been very brave and seem to be recovering already.
Made a crimbo dec at TFF. This is quite an achievement as usually hate xmas.

Saw this poem and had to share it!! Now a bit worried that my spell check doesnt make much difference.

Bed soon.

The Spell Chequer.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Martha Snow

Useless Blabber

2011-12-01T20:03:00.002+00:00

If you are reading ths blog post and think it might be interestng, i'll save you the bother and tell you now that it will probably be very boring and contain nothing useful or even remotely interesting. It wwill possibly contain something about cats and give you some useless knowledge about the life of a cat-lady, which is probably not the mos exciting sort of life to read abbobut,,, I only relly type because i like typing and it helps my head, i dont really read so i dont know if i write anything worth reading...but if i ever do then this is not going to be one of those times beacuse I am reeeeally tired

Have had a busy but good few days, now absolutely and totally exhausted, so pleased to be in the warm with my kittys and put my feet up. This is so incredibly boring but it is such a relieff,

Good few days. Have been sociable, ventured out last night and had a few drinks with some friends. It was really nice to go out and feel ok. Once Im out with people Im ok.... it is the thought of going out and getting there and getting back, and the worry of whether I will get anxious or the exhaustion is overwhelming that sometimes stops me. but once im out I can push my way through it

But I talked mysefl out of wanting to sleep and ended up enjoyig myself. Hardly slept but was up this morning to drop mum at the station and then came back to feed Bernie and then mustered up the energy to go to Whitfields. Annoyingly I had been fine fine fine until i got to TFF and for some unknown reason went a bit nervy and couldnt talk to anyone and just wanted to go home but i still had to go into town and do important grown up stuff at the bank, pop in to see Hollie and babby Flo, and then go out again to see some other friends who have kindly lent me a cat-carrier for Bernie's big day tomorrow...

The boys are getting the snip !! Am uber excited about this but they are not so. Have broken the news to them gently but they are not impressed, especially as they wolfed down their dinner and wont be getting any more food until tomoro after noon.
Am worry slightly about managing to get to the vets in time since I have to be their at 8.40.In the Morning!!! But am going to get an early night to make sure we make it, as I am unbelievable excited about hopefuly having 2 cats by tomorrow eve who dont feel the urge to piss on evrryytthhiing. Awww 'luv em.

Have put thier blanket in the cat carrier to try and coax them in so they dont play silly buggers in the morning. By the time you get one cat in the other one will have always hopped out and hidden, and this is sometimes cute but mostly very frustrating.

but anyway, am very happy to be home now in the warm near my bed with my kittys. and my head is busy but its ok because im blogging. but i feel the need to do something to keep me distracted but this is diffcult when my fingers are typing very slowly and my eyes are heavy and the screen herts my eyes.

Im going to try and ignore the inner turmoil, and rest, as the occupation thrapy lady has suggested. have been filling out my activity diary and see what she means now about my 'boom/bust' lifestyle....i get a boom of energy and then it wears off and i go bust. legs start aching, voice starts shaking, brain slooowws dowwn.

bye.
Oh Good Luck Bert and Ernie tomorrow, enjoy your last night of manhood.

The Mirror

2011-11-30T17:24:00.001+00:00

The invisible soul was crying to break free
the little girl peered in the glass gingerly
a woman stared back, her eyes became me
The three of us stopped and my heart skipped a beat
The little girl and the woman became complete
The little girls skin was broken and scarred
The woman in the mirror held dreams in the stars
The pressure on the little girls chest was lifted
She started to breathe, her lungs less constricted
The woman looked friendly, her smile was warm
The invisible soul became calm in its storm
Three souls clicked into place for a moment
And they breathed together, deeply
The invisible soul flowed in and out freely
The girl smiled meekly, the lady stood strong
But as the girl went to touch her, the woman was gone
The girl felt lonely and fearful and wrong.
The little girl hated her ugly reflection
She hated her body and imperfections
And would look in a mirror with shame and rejection
The lady she saw had meaning, direction
Thier hearts beat together in a pulsing connection
She peered in the glass and was met by her gaze
She searched for her soul in the fog and the haze
Until everything became a blur
Then the Little girl realised the woman was her..

R.A.o.K

2011-11-24T17:36:00.003+00:00

It makes such a difference to start the day in a happy way...

I did wake up on time this morning. I did remember that i wanted to go to yoga. I did still want to go to yoga. I could not get up, my body was too heavy....But my lovely neighbour Hollie and SuperBaby Florence saved the day!

Had the secret password knock on the door at 8.30, from my neighbour Wise Hollie. So I puuuulllleeeddd myself outof bed and spyed out my spy hole and saw a GIANT BABY staring at me and grinning with 1 tooth...I panicked a bit, and then realised that it was just Wise Hollie holding baby Flo up to the door.

So I unchained and unlocked and it was so lovely to see a lovely smiling friend and a lovely regular sized baby smiling in the morning. So i shuffled back across the corridor and had a morning coffee with my neighbours :-)

Turns out Hollie had read my blog and seen I was trying to get up for yoga and kindly decided to help. This random act of Kindness really helped me this morning. Im going to try and start doing mor of them, as it can really cheer up someones day. Thank you wise Hollie...I didnt know you had been reading my blog! And now your random act of kindness has been documented forever.. Thanks for bein my friend

Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty

Today has been goid because i did get up. I made it to yoga only a teeny bit after half 9. Unforunately the group wasnt running because only 2 people turned up incuding me, but thats besides the point because I made it!!
Instead I went to TFF to see how Billy was doing. He seems to have made good progress overnight, i hope somebody probably fed and watered him. looking good, Ive put him with his new family of other reindeer looking out the window, they all look so cheeky stood in a line, When I find the clicky thing Im looking for I will be able to put a picture up.

Im not In The ZOne anymore my brains a bit slow, so cant remember what else I was gonna say but Im going to have a rest now and stroke my kittys because i cant write....

The Zone.

2011-11-23T23:20:00.003+00:00

My main target in life at the moment is to go to sleep very soonand get up tomorrow morning and goto yoga, which is at 9.30. I have been once before and liked it but i wont lie it makes me quite nervous to be in a roomful of people and bending my body in strange positions. But I do a little bit at home sometimes so hopefully i wont look like a total bellend. Not that it really matters really.everyone who goes probably feels nervous, and its all about focusing on yourself and not everyone around you and getting in the zone. when Im in the zone Laura good to go...We love the zone.

Frozen Planet is on the telly. Baby Polar bear cubs...soo cute and tiny, like little moving teddies. I want one. turning telly off though since watched a bit of this frozen planet before and it draws you in and then it gets really scary and tragic and the epic music builds up and you just know that the smallest babiest polar bear isnt going to make it...and its just too awful.

The zone is focused, free,n rhythm with my breathing. Mindful, aware, content, calm. When Im in The ZOne my soul clicks into place and my voice is stronger and life seems a lot less hazy.

I think I will be on a more even keel and more mentally balaced when I learn to grasp the abiliy to stay in the zone for more than a few seconds, or a few days at the most.

At the moment i get moments of being in The Zone. I try and i try to make the most of these moments so this is when I blog. I can hear the beat of my heart and my thoughts more clearly and they unite with body and I am no longer just a passenger, im in control.

And also yoga is good for you. I heard somewhere that Exercise releases dolphins that make you happy. So there are lots of good reasons to get up in the morning...
just hope my soul hasnt jolted outof The Zone by the morning, and hope that my legs work and can think straight and actually open my eyes and start the day.
I really want to and I really am exhausted.

But Life out of depression is so much more fun :-)
I have lots to look forwards to...Getting out and getting in the zone with some dolphins, then Im going straight to see my Billy reindeer and do a bit more log painting and find things to giggle at.
Everything is very exciting.

Billy

2011-11-23T18:04:00.002+00:00

Had a good and socialble productive day, spent it at TFF. I had a really great time...i have made some friends and I like spending time with the people up there. Today I laughed a lot. I got there on time this morning, which doesnt happen very often.
I took a risk today and thought I'd try something new. Theres a woodwork room at whitfield and been itching to go in and try making something but havnt had a clue what im doing and all those noisy drills are quite scary.

Theres a shed at the bottom where there are all lovely reindeers made from logs they are so cute and I wanted to make one. I had never tried because there is a sign on the shed that says boyzone...i hadnt been in because a) Boyzone suck and B) I thought girls werent allowed in there. But turns out anyone is allowed in there, so Nev helped me bang together my reindeer, i gave him a wonky head and odd eyes and thenstripey antlers.I havent finished him yet but he is ccalled Billy, he is drying his paint over night and I will finish him tomorrow and take a picture of him looking all lovely.

The Ipod's on shuffle and talking to me again. :)

Morning! :)

2011-11-23T08:45:00.002+00:00

By a mixture of some sort of miracle, positive thinking, a bit of effort and being woken by some cats, I am up bright and early and still in my pyjamas but about to get ready to start the day with a smile..

I am even going to have some breakfast and a shower and then choose what to wear and then put it on the right way round. As apposed to being smelly and throwing any mismatched things on back to front or going out in my pyjamas with a coat. Im going to TFF to be sociable, and then this afternoon some of us are going to a singing group which is scary for me but I like singing so it should be fun.

The O.T yesterday gave me this diary thing to fill in everyday for 2 weeks of when I wake up, get up, activities I do and when I rest and go back to bed...its so she can see what im doing then help me to do it a bit better to manage the symptoms. I also have to score out of 10 how I feel mood/tiredness wise in the morning, afternoon and evening. 1 being 'awful' and 10 being 'excellent'. This morning I would say I am a 9, because I have managed to get up good and cheery so that I can document it in my diary. So far my diary looks like this:

7.30-7:45 woke up
7:45-8:45 Got up, coffee, fag, fed mew mews
8:30-8:45 blogging
8:45-9:30 Shower, dressed, breakfast

Gosh Ive already done a lot this morning. Apart from the shower dressed and breakfast, I put that on there to make me do it in a minute.

Here is a quote that Willie left me on my comments. I like it so thought I'd put it nice and big :

"Watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Watch your words for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny".

I also like this one, which I found on the back of a magazine:

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, then you have never gone to sleep with a mosquito in your bed"

Head Fudge

2011-11-22T18:30:00.004+00:00

This morning I went to Art Therapy. Doesnt that sound nice? The answer is no. Its important to say that Art therapy isnt a lovely hour spent doing some watercolour, its a total head fuck and its not really that fun. I have told Lovely Lesley-Anne my mean horrible Art Therapist this, and she agrees and thinks it should be written on the leaflet. It is gradually helping to unfuck my head but it is still a head fuck and shouldnt be taken lightly. So if you are starting Art Therapy and think you're in for a few sessions dabbling with felt tips and scribbling in pastels over a cup of tea, im sorry to say that you should prepare yourself for some hardcore shizzle.

Psychotherapy is pretty exhausting. Im proper tired..

I hung out at TFF for a bit. Whilst Im being honest I should also say that TFF is not actually a funny farm, it is a 'rural activity centre' where people get referred to help make themselves better and give them a purpose in life.

feeding some goats and making a fruit bowl out of clay might seem like useless activities to some people. But it has been through TFF that I have gained confidence and managed to start things and finish them and make some friends. When I first started going, it was months before i didnt lose sleep with the anxiety of having to face people, and to be able to make conversation and not blush or want to apologise whenever someone looked at me. I go a few times a week and it is helping me to grow.

This afternoon I went to see the M.E lady who is an Occupational Therapist and is helping me to stop my 'boom/bust' lifestyle and to get more on an even keel. Im supposed to start by accepting that I have M.E, which I dont really want to do as i know im tired but I dont want to give in too much because I need to get on with life and dont want to waste too much time resting.

But I think I need a rest now as it has been a busy day. Ive been head fucked and funny farmed and occupationally therapied, and finally managed to write on my blog despite wasting several hours over the weekend writing THREE blog posts THREE times and managing to accidentaly delete before publishing THREE times. Once because computer died, once because Ernie trod on the keyboard, and once because I managed to cut and then paste to some unknown location. Computers are so gay.

Obviously because I ramble a lot, I cant remember what I was writing about but I do have the feeling that it was very important and the world will be a lesser place without these blog posts. But I suppose we'll all just have to cope with this loss and move on.

I would also like to share that Bert made his Great Escape this weekend from being stuck in my third floor flat as an indoor kitty. Im not sure if he jumped or fell but the window was open andI looked out to see a puffy black ball shouting meow at me from the ground below.

I thought he might like to sniff the grass and make a bid for freedom, but he just kept meowing up at me and Ernie watching out the window until I went down and scooped him up. He hadnt hurt himself but he clung on to me for dear life as I carried him back inside and up the stairs....It seems Bernie are much happier cuddled up with thier mummy than exploring the big wide world, awww.

Stigma

2011-11-21T17:56:00.007+00:00

Someone who may have stumbled across my blog might wonder exactly what it is I do with my life; what i do for a living or what I am studying at college. The answer to that is nothing..... Although to be fair, I do actually do stuff.

There is a lot of stigma attatched to someone who lives in a council flat and claims benefits and doesnt work. So for the sake of all the lovely people Ive met who cant work due to illness, I thought I'd try to eradicate some of these preconceptions.

Maybe you pictured the unemployed cat-lady as someone with no teeth who makes no effort to contribute to society. Or you might assume that I sit in my pjs and watch Jeremy Kyle all day, or hang out at the park and drink cider and occasionally mug old ladies.

Well actually i still have all my teeth and I dont even have a criminal record. That doesnt mean to say Ive never broken the law....just never been caught cos Im cheeky. :-D

What I am trying to say is that I am not satisfied just blobbing around and not making anything of my life. And I dont think there is anyone Ive met during my times in hospital or at The Funny Farm who wants to be ill or thinks its fun to get your money for nothing. I've actually been working very hard to try and make somthing of myself so that I can be someone who has a purpose and has something to offer the world.

I have been signed off sick for a few years now. I have a bit of paper that says i am'unfit for work'...how embarassing. I really want to work. But my brain goes wonky sometimes and I get a bit anxious and in real life Im not actually as cool as I sound in my blog. Im a bit twitchy and weird.

I used to work in Scummerfield at the checkout whilst studying for my Alevels. 2 years of Psychology, art, english and Philosophy....but sadly I have no A Levels as I didnt take the exams due to being locked in a mental hospital. waking up in a psychiatric unit having spent most of your life trying to succeed and hold things together, is a bit of a bummer. Actually thought my life was over.

But it isnt and I came out of hospital after a few months and started college doing Health and Social Care, and I couldnt concentrate and I got too nervous to go in and I had lost the ability to concentrate or read and write very well and it was too hard and life was getting very very tricky and I wasnt coping, so after another failed attempt at studying I stopped college. And then Ive been back in hospital and out again, and whilst most of my school friends are in thier final year at uni or have been busy travelling the world, I have become a cat-lady in slippers who goes to a funny farm and splashes paint around from time to time.

It is very frustrating as up until I had a nervy B, I had all the potential and energy to make a success of my life. I worked hard at school, and got some A* GCSEs not because I am that clever but because I worked my butt off...and where has it got me?

The point is I still intend on getting my qualifications and then getting a good job where I can do something useful and maybe help other people. Mental Health problems (some sort of personality disease apparantly) has really got in the way the last few years. I tried to kill myself a few times, and Im still not sure how I managed to escape death since each time I was pretty sure it should work....but apparantly not. so I figured I was just going to have to battle on.. and Im still here :-)

On the bright side at least I will have had my fair share of stress and trauma so that when I hit 35 and my school friends are having thier mid-life crises, I will have already had my early life crises and will be off having a ball like I should have been doing these last few years.

I just want everyone to know that one day I will pay my way and do something very useful with my time here on earth, and that is a promise.

Brain Doc

2011-11-20T17:44:00.004+00:00

I saw the brain doctor on Thursday (I think hes a psychiatrist), who told me that I have come on a lot in the last two years, which is good. He then went on to say that in another couple years I could be good as new, which is not so good. Because 2 years is friggin ages. He said you cant rush recovery and Iv had a lot of stress and I need to be patient.

Well I have wasted a lot of my life being an in-patient and an out-patient and i am impatient and I dont want to just be a mental health patient. i have more important things to do , quite frankly, such as cat-ladying and painting pictures and writing my very extrememly popular inspiring world famous blog. Which isnt this one, obviously.

So Im ignoring the time scale thing and planning to sort my life out quickly and efficiently.Lesley said to think of it as by the time Im 22 I could be well on my way....which I spose is better and in the grand scheme of life I guess 2 years is only a tiny bit. But when you consider that Ive been seeing the brain doc since I was 16 it is practically half my life that I have wasted being nearly almost mad.

Ok so It hasnt been a total waste of time, since I have learnt a lot about life and gained understanding and empathy and grown into the person that I am today and blahh blah blah, but still I dont recommend going nearly mad. Try and stay sane if you can. So Iv got my happy pills and psycho pills and the doc seems to think I can make a good full recovery if I keep up the good work. Yay.

So although my life may have gone slightly wrong or not as planned, I am just reminding myself that I am doing things, I am trying hard, and I have come far in my recovery. When Ive seen the brain doctor before I dont remember saying anything other than that I wanted to die, hopefully soon, and trying desperately to wriggle my way out of that chair as soon as poss.

This time I waffled a lot and he had to politely ask me to leave because he had other patients to see. I just wanted to say how much better I am and how hard Im trying, and hoped he would tell me to go an get a job....but instead Im going to spend a little while longer feeding goats and splattering paint on some paper. I am not lazy and I am determined to find a meaning for my existance.

I am still here and still trying hard and actually I am proud of myself and everything thats happened has made me strong, and i only plan on getting stronger, thank you very much.