This coming Sunday, my oldest daughter Shayla, will become a wife.

I am so excited for this special moment in her life and OVERWHELMED by all there is to do between now and then.

We will resume posting October 1st with a special 31 day series entitled Letting Go: Allowing Our Children to Grow Up.

See you then

Wednesday we talked about how to recognize the signs and symptoms of depression in our teens/tweens.  Today, let’s look at some ways we can address the issue of depression once we have recognized it.

If you are a teen or the parent of a teen who is depressed, getting treatment is vital. There are various approaches to treating teen depression, from conventional to alternative. Here are some of those options:

Medication

Some parents balk at medicating their teens, but it may help to look at it as a temporary measure to help your teen seek other therapy. Sometimes the medication can help relieve symptoms to the point that your teen is receptive to other treatments.

Many teens are given anti-depressants. These include drugs like Zoloft, Paxil and Prozac; but these medications are known for their potentially harmful side effects. So make sure your teen is carefully monitored when he or she undertakes any medication treatment program.

Therapy

There are various types of therapy for teens with depression. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of treatment that gives teens the tools to “climb out of” their depressed state. CBT works on rewiring the brain from negative thought patterns to positive ones.  Group treatment can often be a viable treatment option.

Counseling is another option for teens with depression. They may prefer to have the family included in a family counseling session. This can be very healing for the whole family, enhancing understanding and providing ways for family members to support the depressed teen. Individual counseling can also be helpful, especially for teens who are not comfortable opening up around their parents.

Vitamins

B vitamins are considered essential for those who have mood disorders. Deficiencies in any of the B vitamins may result in depression, especially B1 and B6. A good B-complex vitamin supplement may help your teen deal with his or her depression and relieve some symptoms.

Supplements

The intake of healthy fats has been implicated in the relief of depression symptoms. Consider giving your teen supplements of flax, evening primrose, or fish oil. Also encourage the consumption of healthy fats in the diet, such as fatty fish (salmon, mackerel, sardines) and olive oil.  St. John’s Wort is an herb that is considered to have anti-depressant qualities. Just make sure to check with a health care professional before adding any supplements to your child’s diet.

Diet

A healthy diet should probably have been listed as number one! Teens often indulge in junk foods, and the artificial colors (particularly FD&C yellow #5), artificial flavors, and other unpronounceable ingredients in junk foods can wreak havoc on the body – specifically by upsetting hormones. Pesticide residue may also have a similar effect; eating organic foods can decrease your teen’s exposure to these potential hormone disruptors.

Exercise

Regular exercise is important in treating depression. Teens may spend too much time in front of computers or television, or tapping away on mobile devices. Enrolling in a class (martial arts, Pilates, aerobics, dance, etc.) would help your teen get out and get some social time, and also exercise his or her body. Exercise increases the amount of “happy” hormones in the brain, thus alleviating the signs and symptoms of depression.

Prayer

Even in the secular arena, the power of prayer is acknowledges in treating many ailments, including depression.  Let your teen know that God is not offended when we are angry or upset.  God has broad shoulders and wants our kids to come to Him so that He can provide comfort and peace that only comes from Him.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore a depressed teen.  Dealing with depression should be a team effort between you and your child, with a commitment to seeing them emotionally healthy.

Depression in teens may manifest differently than it does in younger children and in adults. Also, teens tend to withdraw and become difficult to approach when they are depressed, making it hard to recognize and confront the signs and symptoms.

Nonetheless, depression is not uncommon among teens, for whom upheavals like problems at school, messy social lives and changing bodies are often things they have to deal with daily. To help your awareness regarding your teen’s emotional state, here is a checklist of signs and symptoms that may give you some insight into their emotional health.

Clinical Depression (Photo credit: Alaina Abplanalp Photography)

Anger

Hostility and anger are often not thought of as signs of depression, but in some teens, this is the primary manifestation. Lashing out irrationally or expressing angry, violent ideas is something to be taken seriously. Teens who write or draw angry, violent subject matter should also be considered potentially depressed.

Withdrawal

Teens with depression tend to withdraw from their families and friends, staying in their bedrooms or other private area for hours at a time. Depression can make them feel tired and irritable, and they just want to be left alone.  They may lose interest in activities and hobbies they previously enjoyed.

Memory Loss and Confusion

A depressed teen may find themselves forgetting homework or test dates, or getting confused about times and dates. A teen that was previously successful in school may be unable to remember assignments and tests. Depression can also make a teen feel confused; they may be unable to make decisions or focus on a question long enough to answer it.

Lack of Motivation

Depression takes a teen’s sense of motivation away. They may not seem to care about their upcoming final exams, or about getting into college, or anything else that other teens are concerned about (or that he or she used to be concerned about). Poor grades may not seem to matter.

Changes in Eating Habits

A teen who overeats or under-eats may be depressed. Watch out for sudden weight gain or loss in your teen.  Pay attention if your teen starts wanting to eat alone {may not really be eating} or if they become overly concerned with their weight and appearance.  Eating disorders are a serious problem and many parents miss the signs.

Fatigue

Depression can make a teen want to sleep all the time during the day, but it often robs them of sleep at night. Your teen may become excessively tired, and consequently without the energy to interact socially or otherwise engage in activities.  An increased need for sleep can also be a typical part of growing up, so listen to your parental instincts and pay attention for sudden/drastic changes in your teens sleep habits.

Feelings of Hopelessness and Worthlessness

Does your teen talk about feeling worthless? Do his (or her) comments indicate he dislikes himself or some aspect of himself? Does he approach life as a defeated person? Listen carefully for details in your teen’s speech and reactions to life.

Feeling Overwhelmed

If your teen overreacts when “one more thing” gets added to their plate of things to do, they may be depressed. Depression makes teens feel totally overwhelmed, so when your teen finds out that they have a quiz at school or a friend is taking a long vacation, they may break down, unable to handle one more thing.

It’s worth pointing out that teen depression, like all depression, should be taken seriously. It is not something your child may be able to just shake off and get over. It’s tempting to blow off such symptoms as teen moodiness, but to ignore these symptoms could do much more harm than good.

If you are concerned about your teen and potential depression, make sure to talk to a professional (school counselor, pastor, physician, etc).

My kids enjoy church {right now}.  They are active in their youth group and enjoy serving alongside their youth pastor in different ministry opportunities.  They {sometimes} enjoy serving alongside their dad and I.  So, why am I worried about their relationship with God?

• Statistics show that more than 50% of kids their age {13-17} attend church on a regular basis.  BUT, that number drops to less than 35% between 18-29.
• There are so many competing interests for my kids time and energy.  I want God to remain the PRIMARY voice that they hear and discern as they go through life.
• Departure from church often times means that the kids are “taking a break” from their faith all together.  I have been there and done that- YIKES!

What can I do to encourage my kids {particularly my older ones, that are past the youth group age} to keep faith a priority as societal temptations, distractions and ambition compete for their attention?

1. Trust God.  When the prodigal son left, the father did not chase him down and beg him not to go. He trusted and hoped that he would return.  As our kids grow up, we have to relinquish {more and more} control and increase our faith and trust that God has got their outcome in His hands.
2. Lead by example.  Our kids need to see consistency from their parents and the adults they respect in their lives.  Even if my kids one day make the choice not to go to church, it will remain an expectation when they are living in our house {and a strong encouragement when they are visiting}.
3. Tell my story.  So often, we are nervous to tell our kids that we messed up in our past.  As my kids get older, I see that God can use the mistakes of my past as a real life illustration to show the dangers of wandering away from God {and His awesome, redemptive power}.
4. Love, love and more love.  No matter the choices my children make I must love them anyway.  This reality has been tested in my life already with our oldest son and I can tell you that love is a universal language.  It gets through when nothing else can.  {and that includes the language of tough love when necessary}.

Do you worry about your child’s faith as they grow and leave home?

The following hangs on our refrigerator at home as a reminder that one of our families core values is respect.

Respect

• Respect God.  “Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment” (Matthew 22:37-38)
• Respect yourself.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.” (I Corinthians 6:19-20)
• Respect others.  “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39b)
• Respect your parents.  “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Honor your father and mother –which is the first commandment with a promise- that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (Ephesians 6: 1-3)
• Respect belongings.  “In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has.” (Proverbs 21:20)

verb (used with object)

~to hold in esteem or honor: I cannot esteem a cheater.

~to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone’s rights.

~to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person’s privacy.

~to relate or have reference to.

If there is one thing teens/tweens tend to struggle with in their relationship with their parents, it is respect.  There is an internal struggle for independence and a fierce desire to be heard and understood that can often cause a child to cross the line between voicing an opinion and being disrespectful.

Even though respect has been a theme in our home for their entire lives, our teens still struggle with this at times.  {I am thinking of one child in particular }  It is important to listen to our teens and allow them the freedom to feel and think differently than we do, so long as we maintain the boundary of showing respect to their parents and elders.

Sometimes this is easier said than done and consistent consequences are key in maintaining this balance.

How important is respect in your relationship with your teen/tween? How do you handle disrespect?

]]> http://inbetweenmoms.com/2012/09/r-e-s-p-e-c-t/feed/ 0 http://inbetweenmoms.com/2012/09/peaceful-mornings-with-teens-it-is-possible/ http://inbetweenmoms.com/2012/09/peaceful-mornings-with-teens-it-is-possible/#comments Fri, 07 Sep 2012 05:52:35 +0000 melissa http://inbetweenmoms.com/?p=496 It seems school is starting earlier and earlier.  My kids went back to school August 20 this year! Morning routines have always been important in maintaining order and avoiding chaos in our household.  That has not changed since the kids have gotten older.  I don’t know about y’all but it is darn near impossible to [...]]]>

It seems school is starting earlier and earlier.  My kids went back to school August 20 this year!

Morning routines have always been important in maintaining order and avoiding chaos in our household.  That has not changed since the kids have gotten older.  I don’t know about y’all but it is darn near impossible to get my 16 and 14 year old out of bed in the morning {no matter what time they go to bed}.  It can easily create a very stressful start to the day if I am not careful.

English: american breakfast (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here are some ways to make the morning flow smoothly:

1. Prepare as much as you can the night before.  This means laying out clothes, making lunches, setting the table for breakfast, etc.  The more you do the night before the less there is to stress about in the morning.  With teens in the house, you can enlist their help with the evening routine as well.
2. Set realistic expectations.  If there are mornings that you need to leave the house at a certain time (for work, appointments, school, etc.) then a gourmet breakfast is probably not the way to go.  So often we try to cram things into the morning routine that aren’t necessary and then wonder why we are stressed.  Be realistic about the time that you have and what needs to be accomplished.
3. Have a command center.  Don’t you hate those moments when the kids can’t find their homework at the last minute?  Ever had shoes or coats missing in action and you are already five minutes behind schedule?  The solution is to have a place for everything and help your family get in the habit of putting everything in its place.  We have a small table by the entryway where permission slips, homework and keys go.  We have three hooks by the door for coats and book bags and a basket for shoes.  The more accessible everything is, the easier it is to find.
4. Menu plan.  I am an advocate for menu planning and not just dinner.  We have a menu for breakfast Monday- Friday.  My boys know that Mondays are cereal, Tuesdays are waffles, Wednesdays are eggs, etc.  This makes the morning routine easier and I don’t end up feeling like a short order cook.  It also helps the boys know how to set the table for the coming day.
5. Reward yourself and the kids.  Initiating a new routine can be difficult until the routine becomes habit for your family.  Consider having a special reward (a dessert, an outing, etc) on the week’s that mornings run smoothly.  The only way for mornings to work is for everyone to be a team in the household.  Acknowledge when the kids have pitched in.  Thank your hubby for warming up the car.  Reward your family for coming together to make something work.
6. Start day off with prayer.  I need my quiet time in the morning.  And, our kids do too.  Set the example and encourage your teen to spend the beginning of their day with God as well.  Even if it is a verse of the day at the breakfast table, starting the day off with God as the focus will only bring good things to your day.

What do you do to keep your mornings from feeling hectic?

The way we start our day can often impact what the rest of the day is going to be like.  Sticking to an effective routine is essential for busy moms!

I know I have said this before but raising teenagers is hard with a capital H.

With summer comes a lot more invitations for the kids to go to this person’s house, to spend the night at so and so’s house and go hang out with this group.  Most of the time I encourage the group to play here- we have the video games, the basketball hoop, etc.  But that doesn’t always suffice.

I pray over my boys when they leave.  So often, they are going in to homes (even Christian ones) that do not share the same rules, values and expectations as we have in our home.  My husband reminds me that this is a great opportunity for our boys to exercise the things they have learned but a mama can’t help but worry.

Having adopted older kids that didn’t grow up in our home has also exposed our younger kids to issues and situations they might not have faced otherwise (not that we regret or question our decision at all!)

Recently, my boys announced they had a hilarious show they wanted to us to watch as a family.  When they said the name of the show, my first reaction was absolutely not.  I had seen the show before and it is completely inappropriate.  Hubby and I excused ourselves and discussed it.  We decided to watch as a family but before we did we had our then 14 year old read to us from Philippians.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.  Philippians 4:8

We asked the boys to keep track in their minds of how many times the show blatantly referenced sex in an inappropriate way.  They rolled their eyes but I saw their fingers keeping track as we watched the show (and I kept a poker face and counted away in my mind).

Fifteen minutes into the half hour show, Jared said “Let’s turn it off, mom.”  So, I did and we inquired why he wanted to.  Jared and Matt were both blushing and embarrassed.  “I counted 12″, said Matt.  “I counted 13″, said Jared. (I had counted 12 by the way)

Folks, we had only watched half of the show.  That is an inappropriate sexual situation, comment or innuendo at the rate of almost one per minute.

Is that what we want penetrating the ears, the eyes and the hearts of our children?  How can we expect them to maintain a pure heart if they are exposed to literal filth on a daily basis?

The easy solution would be to turn off our cable (which we have password protected, BTW) and throw away our TV’s.  But, that would not protect them completely.  They will see these things in the homes of fellow believers.  The important thing is to educate our kids about what to do when they see something that doesn’t coincide with their values or that makes them uncomfortable.

Teenagers, boys and girls alike, need to understand how important it is to guard their hearts.  Guard their eyes.  Guard their ears.  Guard their bodies.

How are you teaching your teen/tween to guard their hearts?

Please link up any post you have about parenting teens/tweens below:

Is anybody out there?

We are back here at In Be’Tween Moms after a summer long hiatus.  I know that I enjoyed the time with my family but have missed this space and am excited to be back to share great content and fun surprises with all of you.

Our contributors and I have been working on a special e-book that will be available November 1st called Tackling the Teenage Years.

Personally, life has been hectic in my house.  You can read all about the goings on at my blog.  Suffice it to say, I will be writing articles about wedding planning on a budget, among other things

We are going to start a linky party here on the site every Tuesday called Teen/Tween Tuesday. It will be your chance to share any post you have written about raising teens/tweens.  I am really looking forward to that!

In addition, we will have fresh and relevant content here Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

If you are interested in submitting a guest post or contributing to the site in any way, please email me at kmelissasmallwood@gmail9.com with In Be’tween Moms in the subject line.

Talk soon!

The Mentor Moms and I are taking a break from In Be’Tween Moms for the summer.  I plan to spend as much time as possible with these hooligans

We will return with a new look, new posting schedule and hopefully new adventures to share on September 1st, 2012.

Happy Summer!

I’m a weary, worn-out mama.

I thought {mistakenly} that raising teens/young adults would be easier than littles.

I remember how excited I was when my youngest was finally potty trained and we said goodbye to diapers.  And, when they could tie their own shoes and wash their own hair?  I thought it couldn’t get any better than that!

These days I am completely relating to a saying I once heard “little kids are physically exhausting to raise while teens are mentally exhausting”.  I would add teens are spiritually and emotionally exhausting as well.

Don’t get me wrong…I am not knocking the moms in the trenches of bottles, late night feedings and toddler tantrums. I remember those days vividly!  And, I know those days are hard.

Toddler in Bathrobe Flickr (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

These days are hard too. 

And I have far less control of the outcome.

The people they date.

The friends they choose.

The decisions that will affect their future.

My kids are spending a lot of time pushing, stretching, and tap dancing on the limits their dad and I set.

Some days, like yesterday for example, when I actually got mad enough that I threw a sneaker at my 15 year old {yes, I apologized} we just look at each other and say “What now?”

I don’t have a lick of advice to offer another parent when I feel like I’m the most inadequate mother on the planet.

At this point, I’m going to do the only thing I know to do when you have reached the end of your proverbial parenting rope…

get on my knees and have a conference call with the Ultimate Parent.

What do you do when parenting knocks you down?