Incoherent~ish

Well, Holy Fuck... I Still Have A Blog....?!

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Fri, 01 Dec 2017 01:08:00 +0000

You know how life happens, and you completely forget about doing shit... and one of those things you completely forget about it that you have a fucking blog!?

Checked my email after not checking it for a couple of days, and there were notifications for comments... spammy bullshit, of course, but... comments.. on posts that I had forgotten existed on a blog that went on the back burner about a thousand years ago.

Is anyone still around? Still reading? Still getting notifications on posts from Incoherent-Ish? Would love to see if any of my old blogging buddies are still doin' their thing.

Leave a comment so we can re-connect. :)

Today is the First Day... After Yesterday and the One Before Tomorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 22:06:00 +0000

I am always getting idioms mixed up. For some reason, there's a weird short circuit in my brain that won't put a full idiom together.

I will say:

A bird in the bush gathers no moss.
Barking at a dead horse.
Going to Hell in a Hibachi.
The fat lady has left the building.
Getting down to brass monkeys.
Freeze the tits off a nun.
The bigger they are, the easier it is to kick their shins.
Great minds are usually insane (for those of you who are wondering why I normally just type "Great minds..." - this would be why.
Hit the thumb on the head.
Idle hands learn how to swear in sign language.
Let the cat out of the washing machine.
Never bite the hand that holds your paycheque.
Your balls are in court.

I'm sure friends and family would be happy to point out more that I've said. You get the idea. I never get them right. Even if I've just been told what they are, for some reason, its forgotten almost immediately. I don't understand this.

I also don't always get that they're wrong as I'm saying them. The odd occasion I'll have a feeling that something isn't right, but it isn't until I see the looks on the faces of people around me that I truly know that yet again, I have become an idiom idiot.

Yay! Go me.

The Right Phrase At The Right Time

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 19:53:00 +0000

As I've watched my son grow up and slowly head towards leaving the "nest", I tend to look back more and more on the little things he did and said as a child.

And I think to myself....

"Holy shit. What the fuck was he thinking?!"

Like me, my son tends to speak his mind. It doesn't matter who he's speaking to. He doesn't care. I've told him that if he needs to say something, to say it. Throughout his life, he has taken these words to heart. I have slightly regretted teaching him this lesson on more than one occasion.

When Booger (the name I call my son on here for privacy reasons, and at home 'cause he's always been a little snot) was barely walking, he liked to participate in what I like to call "Shock Therapy". That's when he opens his tiny, innocent little mouth and out comes something so completely shocking to those around us that everyone stares at me, mouth agape, wondering how I could have corrupted such an innocent in so short amount of time.

One such time was on an elevator in the apartment building we spent the first few years of his life in. We lived on the 9th floor. It was a fairly speedy elevator. Unless Booger was in one of his moods and he had an audience. This time, the audience was a man. And the show was interactive. Booger decided to pass the time by sharing pleasantries with the man in the elevator.

Booger: "Hi!"

Man: "Hello."

Booger: "You're a man, right?"

Man: (smiling) "Well, yes. Yes, I am."

Booger: "So... you have a penis, right?"

Man: (puzzled, but still smiling - not knowing how to reply) "Uhm... well, yes. I do."

The man's eyes were jumping from Booger to me and back again. He was clearly uncomfortable with where this conversation had ended up so far... but Booger did not stop there. And we were only passing the 4th floor by this point!

Booger: "So... is it a big penis, or a little penis?"

I started pushing buttons - "Here... here... we're getting off here...."

I wanted to laugh... I was embarrassed for the man... I was surprised at the audacity of a two year old boy...

We never did find out if the man had a big penis or a little penis.. but I did learn that day that my son has got himself some really big cajones.

Sometimes, They Make You So Proud You Wanna Punch Someone In The Face With A Hammer Out Of Sheer Bliss!

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 17:16:00 +0000

Every once in awhile, you're forced to look at your life from a different point of view and realize that you're not quite the loser you thought you were. Oh, sure - you might still THINK you're a loser - but when you remove your head from your own ass, you are able to see yourself from someone else's point of view - and you come to understand, however temporarily, that your own opinion of yourself means shit in the grand scheme of things.

Every time I get a glimpse into my son's soul and see how very awesome he is, I allow myself to think, "Dammit... I've done good!".

People have always told me I'm an excellent mom.. and for the most part, I agree with them - but even those of us who achieve excellence once in awhile have our moments of self-doubt. Did I do enough for him..? Did I teach him the difference between right and wrong? Did I teach him how to let his feelings show and open his heart to another human being? Did I teach him to pick up his underwear and make his bed? Okay.. I failed on that last one... he still leaves his shit everywhere and never makes his bed because he 'doesn't see the point if its only going to get messed up again'.

Then he'll reveal a side of himself that I'm both surprised at and fully expect of him... Like his new blog. Please take a moment to go have a read. Become a "follower". Leave a comment that his Mom sent you - I'm sure he'll love that. ;) Seriously - he's funny and interesting and gives you great recipes from the point of view of a pretty damned good chef. :D

I Know It Was A Funeral and I Really Didn't Mean To Get The Giggles

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 22:28:00 +0000

When you see this outfit, what do you think of? Go ahead... look carefully... I'll give you a few moments to have a few descriptive comments pop into your head....

I'll bet a few of you came up with "70's", "Prom", "OH MY FUCK", and a few of you were probably just giggling your ass off.

Now.. how many of you thought, "Funeral"?

Show of hands....?

I count..... one. And I only count one because I witnessed this outfit being worn to a funeral once. The funeral was for my Grandmonster and the proud model for this particular style was a cousin.

Now, don't get me wrong... I do understand that this is probably the nicest suit he had in his closet - and that he was only trying to do his gramma right and wear what he thought was appropriately respectful. I get that. I really do.

But that did not stop me from getting the giggles.

My Grandmonster and I didn't get along very well. Our idea of pleasantries was her greeting me with "Hey, Slut!" and me putting itching powder in her artificial leg while she slept. She was miserable to everyone who crossed her path, and only had a kind word for those who could do something for her. As her granddaughter, I was not one of those people.

Her death came as a pleasant surprise - to me, anyway. Not so much to my mom, who found her when she came home from work one day. She immediately called ME and I had to deal with that entire situation - but that's a story for another day.

Going to her funeral was not something I wanted to do. I didn't really feel the need to "say goodbye" or "see her one last time". I wouldn't even go into the room until the casket was closed.. 'cause.. I saw her on her deathbed. There isn't anything that will erase that image from my mind.

I went because my mom asked me to. And I will do anything my mom asks me to do. Because she's my mom. So I brought my brand-new-been-seeing-him-for-less-than-a-month boyfriend. You ever want to test a new boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen... bring him to the funeral of a relative you don't like... before he has met anyone in your family - aside from your mom - who he met at your Grandmonster's deathbed. (couch, actually - she was on the couch).

We were at the funeral service, doing the meet n' greet.. when suddenly, popping out of my mouth before I could stop it, were the words, "Oh my fuck - is that a powder blue tuxedo!?" What? Oh, c'mon... you'd say that too.. scroll up and look at the picture again... Now picture it with straggly long hair and a beard. Would you be able to control what your face was saying? I thought not.

To make matters worse, I was sat right behind him during the service. So I got to look at it the entire time. And the minister didn't help much... when he said, "Jesus' favourite word is 'Come... come to me...'"... and I couldn't help but think, "What a coincidence! 'Come' is my favourite word, too!!!" Which - of course - sent me off on a new gale of giggles.

Luckily, I was able to keep my head down - and my shaking shoulders were mistaken for sobs of grief rather than uncontrollable laughter. Image is everything. ;)

Would You Want To Smack Your Parents...

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 22:58:00 +0000

I receive daily reports from the local police departments because I want to know what's going on in my neighbourhood. It's all very cool and nifty. You can go to their website, click on the divisions you want updates from, and they get delivered to your email account several times a day - depending on how busy the criminals are that day.

Anyone remember Mork and Mindy? Do you remember what phrase Mork (Robin Williams) used when he wanted to swear?

Here's the reason I'm asking - Today, I received a missing persons report. This is the report I received. Note the missing person's name.

News Release
Toronto Police Service

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 4:25 PM

54 Division
416-808-5400

The Toronto Police Service is requesting the public’s assistance locating a missing man.

Shaaz Butt, 21, was last seen on Saturday, January 8, 2011, at 8:15 a.m., in the St. Clair Avenue East/O’Connor Drive area.

He is described as 5'8", 163 lbs., black hair, brown eyes and clean shaven.

Police are concerned for his safety.

Anyone with information is asked to contact police at 416-808-5400, Crime Stoppers anonymously at 416-222-TIPS (8477), online at www.222tips.com, text TOR and your message to CRIMES (274637), or Leave A Tip on Facebook.

Constable Tony Vella, Corporate Communications, for Detective Edward Campbell, 54 Division

An attachment to this release is available on our website.

http://www.torontopolice.on.ca/newsreleases/release.php?id=20327

Would you want to smack your parents?

I'm not sure if this is as bad as those women who sued their parents, Mr. & Mrs. Hogg, for naming them Ima and Ura.

Could be close, though.

Dieting Tips for the Faint of Heart #1

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 18:00:00 +0000

If you have a slight cold and your tastebuds are off.. and you've had a Halls within the past two hours - a chicken greek salad with Mediterranean Greek dressing can taste like pizza if you scrunch your eyes and focus really hard on the flavour of pizza.

Really. It works.

Trish is... ELECTRO WOMAN!

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 00:46:00 +0000

When I first thought about writing this blog post, I didn't know there was actually an Electro Woman. But when I googled images to see if there were any cool ones I could add to my post, I found this.

The chick standing next to her, looking as though she whines incessantly, is Dyna Girl. Note how Electro Woman is closing her eyes, counting to ten, and trying not to pound Dyna Girl in the head and tell her to shut the fuck up. You can see the tension. And I've never even seen the TV show. You know that had tasers been around in 1976, Dyna Girl would be doing the Electric Shimmy every time she opened her mouth.

But I digress...

The reason I am Electro Woman is not because I look as good as Diedre Hall in a skintight costume (although that would be nice...) but because I zap the fuck out of almost everything I touch. I kill radios and TV sets. I've sucked the juice out of batteries (not intentionally - just happens). My phone constantly needs recharging. This is something that's happened all of my life. Well, not the phone thing... but you get it..

My mom used to work for a baby carriage company. Her job was electroplating the cool bits and bobs that went on the prams. She was constantly surrounded by an electrical field. It was so bad, that Rogers cable requested they put some sort of energy barrier around her because the electrical field was knocking out the cable within a six-block radius. This was back in 1968, when technical stuff wasn't so sophisti-ma-cated.

So they put a barrier around the room she was in and called it day. Only problem - my mom was still in the room. They didn't give her anything special to wear - no protective gear - not even one of those cool lead aprons. Oh. And she was pregnant.

So - for nine months (maybe eight and half - but mom worked through most of her pregnancy), I was exposed to electrical zappy thing type conditions. I'm a mutant. But not in any really cool way. I can't turn of a light without being zapped. I can't touch anything metal without being zapped. I can't even touch another human being without that intial zing. It's a little hurty. Usually moreso for the other person.

On the other hand, I have been known to disrupt signals (especially in old TV's and radios - the kind with tubes) and make things power down for no apparent reason. It's not much of a consolation - but it is a cool party trick. I'll take it.

Oh - and because the universe loves a good joke as much as the next guy - my son has also inherited these talents. Between us, we go through appliances like stupid.

The Social Network - Works.

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 04:46:00 +0000

The fam, my friend Viv, and I went to see The Social Network tonight.

Apparently, the most socially awkward person on the planet managed to create the most popular social network on the planet. Ironic? Maybe.. although it does make sense that someone who can't express himself in person builds a system to allow everyone - including the socially retarded - to make "friends", albeit virtual ones.

I'm not putting Facebook down. I'm on it - and I love it. I'm probably just as addicted as 97% of the people who frequent it. I've met up with old school friends, re-connected with family after over 17 years of not even knowing where they were, and sworn to hunt down and remove the spleen of anyone who sends me a "Farmville" request. (I do play some of the games, but I quickly grow tired of them - especially since they seem to have to leave proof of their existence all over my FB wall - like some sort of unneutered tomcat who has to mark his territory over and over and over again.) So.. I had to see the movie. :)

It's well done. I'm not sure how much of it is truth and how much is fiction - we all know that not everything we see up on the big screen is fact - no matter how big the words "BASED ON A TRUE STORY" are on the poster. But there's Bro-mance, a friendship lost, triumph, failure, some guys that Viv says are really cute (but since they're all about my son's age, that's a little icky to me), and during it all, an interesting movie happens.

I'm still waiting for Mark Zuckerberg to accept my friend request.

~refresh~

~refresh~

~refresh~

~refresh~

Utility Companies. Every Once In Awhile, They Throw You A Kiss

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 19:47:00 +0000

It's nice to know that it is possible to get off the phone with a utility company and NOT want to rip off their arm and beat them about the face and ears with it. I'm not saying this is a common feeling. You probably have a better chance of seeing Halley's Comet. But it IS possible.

Last night, I called Rogers cable. I'm tired of paying for bullshit. Superchannel sucks ass, and I only have the Movie Network for Dexter, and the season is over, so I don't need it anymore. Which is basically what I told them. The first woman who got on the line was very nice - we spoke for a half hour about what changes I'd like to make on my account. And she cheerfully agreed to all of them. And then when I asked her how much my billing would be in the future, it turned out to be more than I'm currently paying. When I asked her why, her response was, "Well.. its just a little more..." Uhm.. whut??? I patiently (meaning - I wasn't quite banging my head against my desk yet) reminded her that I was removing movie networks (two of them) and that I shouldn't be paying more for LESS service. She got a little flustered and put me on hold to try to figure out why I wasn't being a good little sheeple and just doing as I was told. She then came back on the line and told me she couldn't remove the movie networks and would have to transfer me to another department.

Awww... its nice to know that Rogers is an equal opportunity employer and even finds jobs for the airheads.

The second woman at least seemed to know what she was doing. She managed to remove the movie networks, add the one channel I did want, keep my VIP package, AND told me the total of my new bill (without having to put me on hold) AND gave my account a credit for the rest of the month because I wouldn't be using the movie networks AND gave me a 15% discount for a year because I told her I was paying way too much for cable. SWEET! AND she also was able to go into my now defunct cellular bill that I haven't used for 2 years but accidentally put a payment on back in October and apply that to my cable account. DOUBLE SWEET!!

Unlike Toronto Hydro, when I called to discuss my account - there wasn't anything they could do. So when they asked me if there was anything else they could help me with, I told them to lower their rates. When she laughed and said she was sorry but that wasn't possible, I told her if that's the case, I'd like them to send me a box of chocolates, flowers, and a bottle of KY Jelly every time they invoice me. No one gets to screw me without putting a little effort into it. Then I hung up the phone while she was still laughing.

I can't wait to see what happens when that bill comes in.

Animal Cruelty

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 18:17:00 +0000

Not even Fido should have to wear Grandma's Knitted Ugly Christmas Sweater.

Someone is suing the shit out of the yogurt that makes you shit yourself.

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 18:38:00 +0000

So after watching those annoying dancing belly commercials by Dannon, they're finally getting their comeuppance. Oh yeah. I said it. I don't know what annoys me more - the dancing bellies superimposed on relatively normal-looking people, or the shade of green they use. Just fucking stop it. Because seriously - when has having to take a shit made you feeling like belly-dancing...? Side-step-crossing-legs dancing, maybe.. if you have to pee too... and you're nowhere near a washroom...

I've taken that Activia challenge. I couldn't make the 14 days. You know why? 'Cause not only did their yogurt taste like chalky crap, but I couldn't stay out of the washroom. I have more important things to do in my life than constantly shit. Maybe I'd appreciate it more if I were .. oh, I dunno... 80 years old and constipated. Which I'm not.

But that also brings me to the lawsuit. Apparently, they're being sued for false advertising.

The lawsuit against Dannon says that even their own studies failed to prove that Activia has health benefits superior to other brands of yogurt. Yet, Dannon has stated these yogurts were proven “clinically” and “scientifically” to have health benefits. In the lawsuit, it is mentioned that Dannon charges about 30% more for the Activia and DanActive yogurt lines than other yogurts.

Heh. Oops. A 300 million dollar oops. Nice!

I'd sue too... but I don't think it's illegal for a product to taste like crap.

Job Searches: Do and Do Not

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 15:34:00 +0000

I used to work for a personnel agency. A lot of resumes have crossed my desk over the years - and I've seen a lot of reasons why what seems like a perfectly good résumé to the candidate ends up being filed under G.

Recently, a position for a part-time bookkeeper opened up where I'm now employed. I'm responsible for looking over the resumes, making the short list, and interviewing the candidates. Some of these résumés will never even be opened just by their cover letters or the content of their email.

Here are some examples:

To whom it may concer
Please find attached copy of my resume, please do not exictate concat me (Uhm.. wait.. whut?)

I am a student and looking for part time job that too in cash. (Again, Uhm.. wait.. whut??)

What is name of your company? (No information or résumé attached.)

Hi.i saw your posting in craiglist and i`m interested.I`m sending over my resume.
I have finished ACCPAC-G/L,Acc.Payable and Acc.Receivable,next week i start the Payroll,Order Entry 1 and 2.i have backehome bookkeeping experiences. (Learn some punctuation. Try to remember that spell check is your FRIEND.)

Here are a few tips for those of you who are looking for new employment and want to update that résumé:

1. Create an email address specifically for your job search. Do NOT include phrases like "cyberwhore", "drinktillipuke", "myhobbyis69whatsyours", or "ifuckmywaytothetop". PS - If you try to use any of these on Gmail, you'll find that I've already taken them. ;P No.. I'm kidding. Feel free to use them - but NOT for job searches, k? :)

2. Spell check. Grammar check. Then have a friend (not an illiterate friend) look it over. Preferably someone who speaks English fluently. Unless you're going for a job that requires another language. Same rules apply, but it probably won't matter if they're fluent in English.

3. Bullets. I don't know how many times I've just seen paragraphs and run-on sentences in résumés instead of bulleted points. Think about this: The average employer will spend 2.5 to 20 seconds looking at a résumé. They want information that's easy to read, and won't take forever to scan over.

4. References. NEVER put them into your résumé. Always attach them as a separate document, and even then, don't submit them until a potential employer actually asks for them. Even the phrase "References: Available upon request." at the end of your résumé is optional - because if you're looking for a job, providing references a given. You can use this line to signal that this is the end of your résumé, but if space is a problem, you can eliminate this line altogether.

5. Make your résumé accomplishments-driven, instead of duties-driven. Listing your accomplishments gives your résumé a higher impact. Résumés should consist primarily of high-impact accomplishments statements that sell the job-seeker's qualifications as the best candidate. Never use expressions such as "Duties included," "Responsibilities included," or "Responsible for." That's job-description language, not accomplishments-oriented resume language that sells. After all, if you were an employer and wanted to run a successful organization, would you be looking for candidates who can perform only their basic job functions, or would you want employees with a proven track record of accomplishments? Employers tend to search for keywords in résumés. They don't look for words like "responsibilities" or "duties".

6. Don't bury your important skills at the bottom of your résumé. Most jobs today require computer skills, yet many potential candidates list their skills at the bottom of their résumés. If computer skills are a requirement of the position you're seeking, post them in your summary or profile. If your job of choice is in the technology field, list them in a separate section titled "Systems Proficiencies" or something. Make sure it's in the first page of your résumé. Similarly, if your field is language or business, list your skills in your profile or summary, not tacked to the end of your résumé where it won't be seen.

7. Seriousness. Seriously. A lot of people like to joke around on their résumé. I've seen "God" (no contact information) listed as a reference. One person put a picture of her cat at the top of her résumé. Don't do this. While YOU might think this is hilariously funny or that everyone loves a cute kitty, honestly - they don't. I'm actually annoyed by cutesy bullshit when it comes from candidates. I'm sure other employers are too. If you can't take applying for a job seriously, how will you take the actual JOB seriously?

8. Cover letters. Don't repeat what's in your résumé. Introduce it. No one wants to read the same thing twice. Use your cover letter to introduce your skills. Think of it as the jacket cover of a good book. The description makes the reader want to read more - and that's exactly what your cover letter should do.

So in summary - check your work, don't be an asswank, and actually put some time into your résumé. And good luck! :)

In other news: "Funk Soul Brother" by Fatboy Slim is the most annoying song EVER.

2010: The Summary

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 02:24:00 +0000

Became closer to some.
Became farther apart from others.
Found some old friends.
Discovered family.
Got divorced (friendliest divorce EVER).
A little stress.
A lot of happiness.
Loved much and deeply.
Laughed so much I cried and couldn't breathe.
Discovered a new path.
Learned a lost passion wasn't so lost after all.
Started a new job.
Stayed true to myself.
Joined an organization.
Got kicked out of said organization.
Realized I shouldn't be part of any organization.
Unless its my own organization.
Watched my son find his own path.
Felt so proud of my son, I thought I would burst.
Lost some fur-babies.
Was grateful for the love the fur-babies could give me in their short time here.
Adopted some fur-babies.
Took pictures.
Amused other people - not always intentionally.
Drank occasionally.
Embarrassed myself occasionally.

I also learned that if you have so much vodka in your freezer, you can't fit any food into it, you should probably re-think your priorities... or drink more vodka so your freezer never gets that crammed.

And most importantly - I was able to say, almost every day - I am happy.

Happy New Year, Everyone. Every New Year's Day, people make resolutions to change what they believe of themselves to be negative. Most people end up breaking their resolutions and feeling like failures. This year, if you must have one resolution, let it be this: Just be yourself.

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called 'Opportunity' and its first chapter is New Year’s Day." ~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

New Year's Resolutions - I should have some.

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 20:07:00 +0000

I'm thinking of making "trust" my latest New Year's Resolution.

Trust myself. Trust others. Trust friends and family. Not always easy when you've had one of "those" childhoods, but its time for me to put on the big girl panties, and take responsibility for my own shit.

But I'm still not going to give that ol' lady with the walker any. You just know she's waiting for the perfect opportunity to lay you flat with that thing. She means business..

Most people I know think I've got my shit together. They think Trish is cool. Trish is mellow. Trish is a pretty laid-back kinda Chickie. Unless they're thinking that Trish is a twitchy caffeine freak with tightly wound in homicidal tendencies. That's a possibility too... and far closer to the truth. ;)

The real Trish can be an insecure, blubbering mess. If I don't hear from a friend for awhile, I begin to think they've somehow turned against me and I start to rack my brain trying to figure out what I've done. Then I'll hear from them again, and they're all mushy and lovey and singing my praises and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me that I ever doubted the friendship. My friends deserve better than that.

Sometimes, though, I do lose a friend without knowing what happened - and I have to learn to let those ones go. I have to learn that sometimes, closure isn't necessary. And I have to learn that the important ones aren't going anywhere. Because they love and accept me for who I am - warts n' all. I really do have some pretty awesome friends. :)

I share my life's "rules" with anyone who'll listen.. but it would seem that in these cases, I'm not following them myself.

1. Don't get pissed at shit you can't control. (I actually succeed at this one most of the time. LOL)

2. Don't sweat the small stuff.

3. EVERYTHING is the small stuff.

While figuring out what else to write for this post, I wandered around the interwebs, looking to see if anyone else had life's rules like mine. Any more words of wisdom to impart... And I found the "12 Rules for Being Human". I really like it, so I thought I'd share. You can read on, or just click on the link to go to the original page. ;)

12 Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error: experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here."
When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Life is exactly what you think it is.
You create a life that matches your beliefs and expectations.

10. Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

11. You will forget all this.

12. You can remember it whenever you want.

TMI, Probably.

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 23:12:00 +0000

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I'm celebrating the finalization of my divorce.

And I just got my period.

5 days early.

Trish does not has a happy today.

Why I Love Living in Toronto

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 21:49:00 +0000

Creative Business Names:

That's right - on any given day, walking around in Toronto, you could see a camel ~~toe~~ erm.. tow.

Creative Uses for Products:

I know - they're legwarmers.. and no one has actually defined which part of the leg... so.. thigh to calf might look unusual.. but still within the realm of "leg".

I particularly liked the "muffin top" the thigh of her fleece pants made over the top of the legwarmer. Very interesting look for the holiday season...

Freedom of speech:

The weather here can change in a blink. The temperatures fluctuate from hot and gross and humid and sticky in the summer to so cold your nipples could get so hard they pop right off in the winter - but every day brings fun with a chance of insanity. The people are awesome. The city is beautiful.

Even if we did somehow end up with a mayor that no one will admit to voting for....

Ooops. My bad. I meant:

Even dead, Chris Farley is funnier than our mayor. Sorry, Chris.

101 Things About Me Revisited

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 18:34:00 +0000

I'm reposting this - with a few changes... :) Time for everyone to get to know me again. I'll just cross out the old stuff rather than replace it - so you can see where the actual changes have taken place. ;)

Apparently, this is a time-honoured tradition with blogs - every blog should have one. Since I'm still new to this whole thing and I haven't figured out how to post it on the side yet, you'll have to bear with me 'cause I'm doing it as a regular post - 'sides - at least this way, I'll have the link so I can add it to the side when I learn how. LOL

K.. so here goes - stuff about me - if you get bored, just skim and scroll.. that's what I'd do. LOL:

If I ever tell you I don't give a shit.. seriously - I don't.
I have an 18 21-year old son. I’m told I don’t look old enough to be a mom to a ~~teenager~~ 21-year old, and I get weird looks when people see us together. I think they believe I’m robbing the cradle. LOL … Eyew…
My son thinks I’m the coolest mom ever.
I think getting piercings with your son could be considered quality time.
I have gotten into more trouble with school principals than my son has.
I’m extremely shy, and I try to make up for it by being an attention whore. If the spotlight isn’t on me, I feel lost – but it’s the last place I usually want to be.
I drink 3 times a year. On my birthday, on Christmas, and on New Years. Sometimes, I only drink on my birthday. Sometimes, I can stretch those drinks out over all three holidays – because my birthday is Christmas Eve. I drink rather regularly - but I still don't get on my face drunk..
I rarely have more than 3 drinks on one occasion.
Because I’m a control freak.
And I’m afraid of throwing up. Because I think I’ll never stop.
I once consumed 17 Keg-sized (that’s huge, by the way) Long Island Iced Teas. Topped off with a shot of Tequila.
I thought I would never stop throwing up.
I did, eventually.
I love to draw.
And write.
But I’m too shy to show people what I’ve done.
I feel naked if I don’t have nail polish and lipstick on.
My nail polish is a shade of red ~~99.9%~~ about 95% of the time. For 3 days last year, I wore a coral/orange colour. The current colour du jour is black. :)
I loved it. But it wasn’t red.
My nail polish box looks like one of those kits that CSI carries around.
I have 27 different shades of red. I do my nails almost every day.
My eyes are so sensitive to light that I can’t leave the house without sunglasses on.
Even at night – because of headlights, street lights, etc.
I can wear SPF 70 100 sunscreen and STILL blister after being in the sun for only 15 minutes.
I will also get violently ill.
My ~~husband~~ EX-husband says I’m a vampire, even though I prefer vegetables over meat.
Except during PMS week - when I prefer meat almost raw.
I “worship” Nature.
Sitting on a dock and dangling my toes in the water is my idea of heaven.
Until I start to wonder if something down there is going to come up and snack on them.
I’m not afraid of any animal, but I hate insects crawling on me.
I’m deathly allergic to bees.
I can only do my Nature-“worshipping” at night because of my allergies.
I think Nature finds this amusing.
I know I do.
I have to have water running while I’m in the washroom.
This drives my ~~husband~~ EX-husband insane - Because running water makes him have to go.
I do it anyway.
I have to have a fan going beside me in order for me to sleep.
My ~~husband~~ son and current s/o wake me up by turning the fan off.
Nothing else wakes me up faster. He Anyone can call my name over and over again, and I won’t wake up. The second the fan is off, I’m awake.
All white noise makes me tired.
I have fallen asleep while vacuuming.
Standing up.
The fall woke me up.
I quit smoking November 6, 2002.
I still get the occasional craving.
But in my sleep, I *really* crave them.
BAD
When I wake up, the feeling is gone.
I keep the half-pack of cigarettes I had left when I quit in my nightstand as a reminder of what I’ve beaten.
I hate the way cigarette smokers smell.
It grosses me out that I used to smell like that, but didn’t realize it.
I love the smell of some cigars, and all pipe tobacco.
I’m a very tactile person. I touch everything.
I won’t eat foods that feel weird in my mouth. Oatmeal is a no-go.
I love things that squirt in my mouth. Erm.. I was referring to juicy grapes n’ stuff, but for all you out there with your minds in the gutter, thanks for playing. ;P
If I have to get up in the middle of the night, I still get my childhood urge of jumping the last 3 feet to the bed so the monster under it doesn’t get me.
~~No matter how strong the urge, I never do. My husband would kill me if I woke him up in that manner. :)~~ Sometimes, I do it.
I haven’t been eaten by that monster yet.
I think he’s afraid of the closet monster.
I have been described as “butterflies and sunshine – with a seriously twisted dark side”.
I’ve decided to believe it’s a compliment.
I’m a klutz. I break stuff. I knock stuff over. My ~~husband~~ EX-husband ~~won’t~~ wouldn't let me shop in China stores. :)
I’m a shoe-whore.
I have shoes I’ve only worn in the store.
I vow to start wearing them all every month or so.
I usually break this vow.
And I always feel horrible about it. Like I’m letting the Shoe Gods down.
I blame it on the weather. Every time. Let the Weather Gods take the fall.
I have learned to tune out anything anyone is saying that doesn’t interest me.
But I’ve found that these people usually expect a response.
That I can’t give them.
Because I’ve tuned them out – usually unintentionally. I’ve just become too good at it.
When I get angry, I cry.
Which makes me seem very vulnerable.
When I’m really thinking of ways to get even. Like putting tin foil bits in their food or chocolate ex-lax in their muffins.
I used to call my grandmother Grand-Monster, and I call my step-brother my Step-Bastard. We’re not very close.
The *only* immediate family member I speak to is my Mom.
I like it that way.
I separate my food by colour and/or flavour before eating it.
I always eat M&M’s in the same order – red, blue, green, yellow, orange, brown.
The only M&M product I eat is their M&M peanuts, and only during PMS week.
Sometimes, to prove to myself that I’m not obsessive compulsive, I will eat a bite of each thing on my plate instead of one thing, then the next, then the next.. and I’ll find myself taking one bite of vegetable, one of meat, one of potato (or whatever), then starting all over again, thus creating another eating pattern – and proving that I’m probably obsessive compulsive. :/
I hate pantyhose. No matter how expensive they are, by the end of the day, your ass feels like it’s been sitting on a screen door. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em.
I hate socks, too, but they’re a necessary evil when wearing some shoes.
Stockings are acceptable.
But I’d still rather go without completely.
I have been known to laugh at other’s misfortunes.
But then I feel terrible.
Then I have to laugh at myself for feeling so terrible. It can become a vicious circle.
I have been told that one of my laughs (I have several ranging from girlish giggle to full-out belly-laugh) sounds like Betty Rubble.
I have laughed so hard I’ve popped out a contact lens.
I got the giggles at my Grand-Monster’s funeral.
But my cousin wore a powder-blue tuxedo, so I don’t feel as though I was the worst offender.
But that *did* make me giggle harder.
It happened back when my ~~husband (then boyfriend)~~ EX-husband first started seeing each other. I think it’s one of the reasons why he fell in love with me.
I have never told him that. :)
There are members of my family that make Trash a whole new shade of white.
I don’t speak to them.
I *do* laugh at them.

Happy Holidays to All

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 02:11:00 +0000

Love the Trans-Siberian Orchestra... love 'em even more when people set up the music to Giftmas Lights. :D

I couldn't resist....

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 00:35:00 +0000

I responded to "Bill's" email - from the Portland Mission.

Bill,

Interesting. I must have gotten confused by the reasoning behind your decision not to associate with the Queer Quistmas event by the reported statement your staffer, Brian Merrell made. I believe it was, "Sorry, we don't work with queers to fight poverty or homelessness."

You can see by that statement how I would be led to believe that your organization held some sort of prejudice against the LGBT community, and what they could offer your Mission, and not that you were unable to "provide all the benefits that the organizer/event would require."

If you are concerned about your donors refusing to donate anymore due to religious belief conflicting with the LGBT communtiy, I'd say they need to learn that religion teaches acceptance and love, not hatred and bigotry. I'd futher venture to say that your staff needs to learn tact, and to bite their tongue when dealing with people and/or organizations they disagree with.

As I am in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, I would say that this issue has ventured quite a bit further than your community. I first heard about it on FaceBook, where it was shared by several of my almost 2,000 friends there. It has since moved on to the blogosphere, where I am sure its spreading just as quickly.

It takes years to build a reputation - and a single error in judgement to forever ruin it.

Good luck with your Mission. And try to remember in future that when you're dealing with people who care and want to help, it really doesn't matter who they're sleeping with.

Trish S

Not that I believe it will go anywhere - but at least I made a point.

Stoopid fucktards.

Portland Rescue Mission: Still Fucktarded.. and trying to blame the other guys.

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 23:57:00 +0000

Yesterday's post regarding how the Portland Rescue Mission won't accept help/donations from you if you happen to be gay held a link to the article on Change.org. On that page, there was a petition that people could sign to support "working with LGBT organizations to help the homeless". I'm one of those supporters. As part of the petition, an email was sent out in my name. The email was actually quite good, and I have no issue with it. Today, I received an email from the "Director of Development Ministry, Portland Rescue Mission".

The email is all about how they were "misunderstood" and that the decision to decline had nothing to do with sexual orientation... wait.. let me show you the email in its entirety. Including his name, phone numbers, and email should you want to get in touch with this director yourself.

Trish, thanks for sharing your thoughts regarding our decision to not sponsor the Queer Quistmas event next week. Please note that this was a sponsorship decision, not a decision to decline the much-needed and useful contribution of blankets and winter outerwear. We were willing to accept the donations, but the organizer has chosen to direct the gifts elsewhere. Fortunately, they will still benefit the homeless people of the Portland community who we serve everyday at Portland Rescue Mission. Our decision to decline the sponsorship was primarily based on the urgency of a decision (the event is Dec. 20) and our inability to provide all the benefits that the organizer/event would require. Unfortunately, the organizer took this to the media and it understandably took on a life of its own.

We regret the confusion that this issue has created in our local community and the greater community of LGBT concerns.

Bill Miller - Director of Development Ministry
Portland Rescue Mission
1507 NE 122nd Ave., Portland, Ore. 97230
P: 503-906-7605 (direct); 503-477-1773 (cell)
F: 503-227-1126
billm@pdxmission.org
www.PortlandRescueMission.org
GIVE SOMETHING MORE.
More than a meal... More than a bed... GIVE HOPE.
________________________________

From: Trish S
Sent: Sat 12/18/2010 7:05 PM
To: Info
Subject: Please work with LGBT organizations to fight homelessness

Dear Portland Rescue Mission,

I recently became aware that your organization decided to not work with a gay-themed holiday festival to hold a sweater-and-coat drive to fight homelessness and poverty. What a sad message this sends, not only to those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, but also to those who are homeless or struggling with poverty.

We all, gay and straight alike, should be in the fight to combat poverty and homelessness. I understand that you are an organization with religious values, but those values should not prohibit you from working with others of different faiths, creeds, sexual orientations, gender identities or races.

Please reconsider this decision. During this holiday season, we should all be in the spirit of giving, and working to stave off homelessness.

Thank you for your time.

Trish S
Toronto, Canada

Looks like the Spin Doctor for the Portland Mission didn't do his research. He obviously didn't bother to read the article - because it clearly mentions that the staffer from the Mission stated, "Sorry, we don't work with queers to fight poverty or homelessness."

I can smell the bullshit wafting up from Portland all the way up here in Canada.

Portland Rescue Mission: Fucktarded.

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 03:35:00 +0000

Apparently, the Portland Rescue Mission wants your coats and sweaters.. unless you're gay.

You can read about it here.

What. The. Fuck?!

Are they worried about a sense of style? Donations from people who know how to accessorize? Worried they'll catch "The Gay"?

The Mission said they were worried that the people who donate to their cause, many of them religous, would stop donating if they knew LGBT people were involved. Really?! Do they honestly believe that none of the homeless or poverty-stricken they're trying to help are, in fact, gay? Or that none of the members of their church are? Or their neighbours? Those are some seriously effective blinders those people are wearing.

If you're homeless and freezing your ass off, are you really going to wonder about the sexual orientation of the person offering you a free coat or sweater... ? Really? Show of hands..?

I didn't think so.

Anti-Ageism

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 21:19:00 +0000

I think that the only difference between children acting like 6 year olds and adults acting like 6 year olds - is that you should be allowed to give adults acting like 6 year olds a good slap upside the head every once in awhile.

Happy Giftmas

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 17:12:00 +0000

I have accumulated so much gift wrap over the years that I refuse to buy any this year. People will be receiving gifts wrapped in birthday paper, wedding paper, mother's day paper, Teletubbies and Hot Rod paper, old newspaper comics, pages from Logic Puzzle & Soduko books and whatever else I can find around the house. And bits of string. Because I have lots of that, too.

Enough is enough.

Really.

So... what've you all been up to, then...?

noreply@blogger.com (Trish Ess) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 12:50:00 +0000

CLEAR!

*bzzzzzt*

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Nuthin' yet. Let's try again.

CLEAR!

*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt*

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Dammit. One more time. If it doesn't work, we're callin' it.

CLEAR!

*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt*

* bip * * bip * * bip * * bip * * bip * * bip * * bip * * bip *

And..... we're back!

Okay - so after leaving rather abruptly... and no doubt losing all of my readers.. I've decided to make a come-back. Why, you ask?

Same reason any blogger out there does it. We miss the crowds. The fame. The space to rant and rave and get shit off our minds without worrying about what people think - because after all, it's MY fuckin' blog. ;)

So.. a few changes. Divorced. Met someone. Pets have passed on. More pets have moved in. But I'll get all of you caught up on that later. For now, I'm just announcing that.. I'm back. :) And I have a lot to say. ;P