indecorous.org

1000 Days : Day 800

2009-07-07T18:36:00Z

(If you’re wondering what I’m on about, read the first entry about the 1000 Day project, or take a look at the archive.)

It’s been a weird few months.

In some ways, I’ve been incredibly productive. I’ve finished a couple of paintings, and I’m preparing to start a few more. (Well, a triptych. So it’s only “a few” in the technical sense. One picture.) I’ve taken more photos in the last month than I did in all of 2008. I’ve started building a real, grown-up wardrobe. I’ve taken steps to connect with other writers. I’ve spent a lot of time researching an upcoming story, and I’ve solved a couple of problems I had with organizing my notes.

I just don’t feel like I’ve done anything.

I’m in a rut. I’ve barely written anything since Script Frenzy wrapped up. I keep finding excuses not to study Japanese. I’ve been painting, but I haven’t really been practicing my drawing. I have no excuses.

(Ok, I have one excuse, but it only applies to the last two weeks. Lucy is a bit of a handful, and utterly fearless. I know, she’s a kitten, it’s in the job description. But this morning, she managed to pull half the contents of my desk onto the floor. She didn’t even flinch at the noise, and kept pulling at the wire that had fascinated her in the first place.)

I’m trying to figure out why I’m slacking off so badly, and how to fix it. I have some ideas—about the “why” part of it, at least—but they’re not really helping me on the “fixing it” part. Of course, the best solution is to sit down and not get up until I’ve written something, or spent an hour studying. I’ve tried that. I’m just really good at finding reasons not to, lately.

I’ll sort it out. (Though it might mean closing the door and ignoring the forlorn little mews that come from the other side.)

Meet Lucy

2009-07-01T11:42:00Z

She’s friendly and playful and, occasionally, a flirt. She’s also a bit of a biter.

Hello, kitty.

2009-06-26T13:46:32Z

Last weekend, I got a kitten.

I’d been thinking about getting a new cat for a while, even went as far as picking up applications at a couple of the local shelters, but I wasn’t really expecting to find the cat for at least another month, possibly more.

But then last weekend, I met this little one, and… well, now I’ve got a kitten. I don’t know her name yet; I’m only 90% certain she’s actually a girl, and I want to hold off until I’m positive. She’s tiny and all black (with a few random white hairs that make her look like she’s going grey) and, now that she’s settling into her new surroundings, she’s an absolute terror.

It’s kind of awesome.

It’s also making me just a little bit sad. I haven’t really had time to get used to the idea of having a new cat. I miss Tasha. I love having a new cat around, but it’s not the same.

Back when I was a kid, I suffered from horrible homesickness. Whenever I had to sleep somewhere that wasn’t home, I’d be miserable. Didn’t matter how much fun I was having, or that I didn’t actually want to leave, I wanted things to be back to normal. That’s sort of how I feel right now.

But it’s getting better. The first couple of days, I wondered if I’d made a mistake, if I should have waited longer before getting a new cat. I’m not worried about that anymore. I’m glad I got her. I’ll be ecstatic when she lets me sleep through the night.

I’ll post pictures when I finally take one that doesn’t suck. (It’s hard to take a good picture of a squirmy black cat, especially without decent ambient light. She squints when the flash goes off.)

Commitment Issues

2009-05-27T19:25:00Z

I am really good at writing first drafts.

It takes me a while to actually start a story, and there are times (like, uh, now) when I have a bit of trouble keeping myself motivated to write, but usually, once I’ve got that part of it out of the way, the first draft isn’t a problem. I write pretty quickly, even when I don’t really know where I’m going, and I’m usually happy with the result. My first drafts are clearly first drafts, but they don’t suck. They’re readable, and they build a solid foundation for the final story. The drafting process, for me, is a matter of tweaking and polishing, rather than re-writing.

I am terrible when it comes to follow-through.

As I write this, I have six ‘finished’ stories sitting in a folder on my computer, waiting for editing. I’ve got at least five more scattered through various notebooks, probably more. Some of them are kind of rough, some of them only need some fine-tuning, but with a little bit of work, any of them could be really good. But, since 2006 (when the earliest of those stories is dated), I’ve only taken one story past the first-draft stage.

One.

That’s just dumb.

One or two stories, I can see—by the time I finished the first draft, my enthusiasm had waned enough that I wouldn’t have been able to make it through a second. And sometimes, I’m just distracted by the next shiny new idea that just has to be written. But I still like most of these stories. I still think about them. I still make notes in case I ever actually come back to them again.

I can trace some of it to perfectionism—if I start editing a story, I’ll probably never stop. (That one piece I actually finished went through six drafts, and it was just shy of 10,000 words. I hate to imagine how much work I could put into a 100,000 word story.) But… when it comes to other creative projects, I’m generally pretty good at knowing when to just set a piece aside and call it ‘done.’ I might find things later that I wish I’d changed, but I can let it go.

I think, in the end, it comes down to accountability. At the moment, I’m writing almost purely for myself—I have no real deadlines, and, since I don’t even like to talk about a story until I’m ready to share it, I don’t have anyone nagging me to see what I’ve written lately. If I abandon a story after one draft, I’ve wasted my time, but that’s about it.

But, unlike the last time I was thinking about this… I don’t really have a solution.

Just tracking my progress doesn’t work. I actually find it less effective on later drafts—I’ve already written the story once, ‘tweaking and polishing’ doesn’t count, but it does take time away from ‘real’ writing. I’ve looked into a few writing contests, to give myself an outside deadline, but I haven’t managed to muster any real enthusiasm. I’ve looked into writing groups, places that will provide a bit of peer pressure, but nothing’s clicked. (I still think that the only way I’m going to find the perfect one is to start it myself.)

Whatever it is, I need to find some way to get past this. I’m getting a little bored with never really finishing stories.

Done. That part of it, anyway.

2009-05-05T14:54:00Z

I survived Script Frenzy. My final count on 30 April was one hundred and four pages.

Of course, the story’s nowhere near finished.

I really should’ve considered that when I decided to script a graphic novel. Movies are good: there’s a standard length for a screenplay, and in most cases, it’s a pretty strict limit. Limits are good. Without them, my stories have a tendency to… get away from me.

Like this one has.

But it’s good. The flashback sequence that came out of nowhere has a purpose. (I was worried for a while. It felt a bit gratuitous when I started writing it.) It feels like it falls about… a third of the way through the story? I think. So the final script will end up being somewhere between 270 and 300 pages. A bit long, but not terrible.

The important thing is: I made it through Script Frenzy. I wrote nearly every day in April. I even managed, when I wasn’t writing, to finish reading through the first draft of Z.A.U. (It’s good. Needs some work, but I still really like it.) That particular bout of writer’s block seems to be behind me.

I even think I know what I want to write for NaNoWriMo. (I don’t usually plan this far out, but this particular story needs some research. I’ve already started putting together a reading list.)

I’m taking a short break this week while I think about the story, sort out where it’s going. I’ll pick the story up again next week, and (hopefully) have the first draft done by… the beginning of July? Maybe?

For now, I’m just going to enjoy the bright pink bar in the sidebar. It’ll be back to pale grey by Monday.

Is this thing on?

2009-04-17T14:19:00Z

Figures—just when I say I’ve got plans to start updating on a regular basis, I disappear for two weeks.

I didn’t intend to. I’ve had the main part of this entry written for a week and a half. I just haven’t had a chance to post it. Or update my page count for Script Frenzy, which is why it just jumped by thirty-odd pages.

I guess that means it’s going well.

I was a little worried going in. I’ve wanted to write this particular story for quite a while, but I haven’t really felt like I was ready. Three weeks ago, it was still more concept than actual story—and reading over what I’ve written, I still think I should’ve put a little more thought into it before I started. (I should’ve at least come up with names for my characters. I’m still using dumb little placeholders.) But… there is a story here. It’s interesting, and twisty, and it’s just falling into place, as easily as if I’d planned it.

I’m having a lot of fun writing it.

Getting used to the formatting is the hardest part. I’ve never written a comic script before, and I’ve only read a couple, so it isn’t quite as instinctive as a screenplay. But I’m over fifty pages in, and I think I’m getting the hang of it. I still think I’m being a bit wordy, but… that’s not exactly new.

I’m loving the story, and it looks like I’m going to hit the hundred-page mark right on schedule.

It’s going well.

1000 Days : Day 700

2009-03-30T15:01:00Z

(If you’re wondering what I’m on about, read the first entry about the 1000 Day project, or take a look at the archive.)

Seven hundred days in, and I’m finally starting to feel like I’m accomplishing something. When you consider how I was feeling one hundred days ago, it’s kind of incredible. If I didn’t really accomplish anything in the last quarter of 2008, I’m making up for it now. (Which is just further proof—which I shouldn’t need, but seem to anyway—that I do much better when I’ve got a concrete plan in place.)

So. The past one hundred days, in no particular order:

I’ve started learning Japanese. I’m not really sure why I settled on Japanese—I’ve been wanting to try and learn a new language for a while now, but I had a hard time picking just one. Choosing Japanese was sort of a spur-of-the-moment decision, and I’m really happy with it. I’m having fun, and it’s more of a challenge than I’ve given myself in years.

I’ve started painting. I want to say ‘again’ but while I’ve dabbled in the past, painting has never never been something I was serious about. And I’m not sure yet how serious about it I am this time—I’m still in the early stages yet—but it’s more than just picking up pretty colours and experimenting. I have a few specific projects in mind. There are actual blank canvases propped up against the wall, waiting for colour, rather than the sketchpads I’ve played with in the past.

I’ve been doing some behind-the-scenes work here on the blog. There are a few minor changes coming, which I’m not quite settled on yet, but which should mean that I’m posting more than once every couple of weeks. More on that later.

I’ve gone on a pretty serious organizational kick. I’ve been decluttering, setting up a proper writing space, that sort of thing. Partly it’s just because of the new apartment. I have more living space than I did, but less storage space. I’ve got to get rid of some of the junk I’ve been dragging around. But it’s become more than that. It’s weirdly cathartic. (Though I still don’t know what I’m going to do about my books. I’ve got more than I can deal with, but I can’t seem to convince myself to get rid of any of them.)

Finally, I’ve been embracing the fact that I’m going to turn thirty in less than a year.

Really.

I honestly didn’t expect to be able to say that. Just a few months ago, I couldn’t say that. But I think I’m reaching the point where I’m ok with the whole thing. I’m not going to have everything sorted, I’m not going to be anywhere near where I hoped I’d be when I started this project, but I’m getting there, you know? I know where I’m going, and I’m starting to enjoy the ride.

Because it's just not the same if I'm not in a constant state of panic.

2009-03-25T16:43:00Z

I think I’ve decided on the noir-ish mystery for Script Frenzy. The romantic comedy I was thinking about is a more straightforward story, and probably easier to tell, but… eh. I don’t really feel like writing comedy right now. I’ve been thinking about the mystery longer, and it feels closer to being an actual story. Not a story I’m ready to write yet, but it’s closer to being ready than anything else I’ve been bouncing around.

The mystery is also a comic, not a movie. A movie would be too easy, apparently. I have to try something I’ve never done before. Or something.

I’m a little terrified, but I’m also really looking forward to it. I’ve wanted to try my hand at writing comics for a while now, and I’ve been thinking about this particular story for over a year. It’s a change, and it’s the push I need to get me writing again. (It’s already starting to work—now that I’ve made up my mind, I’ve got half a dozen other stories that I want to be working on. So at least I know what I’m doing in May.)

Not ready.

2009-03-06T19:06:00Z

You know what? I’m not going to worry about it.

The not-writing thing, I mean.

I gave it a shot. I pulled out one of the unfinished drafts that’s sitting around, blew the dust off, and wrote about two thousand words. Except the only thing I really accomplished was remembering why I abandoned that story in the first place.

I felt guilty about it for a while, but I think I’m just going to go with it. Script Frenzy is coming up, and I know from experience that, when I’m going through one of these phases—where I don’t know what to write, and I hate everything I actually manage to get on the page—Script Frenzy or NaNoWriMo is exactly what I need to kick me out of all this self-indulgent dithering, and get me writing again.

Now I just need to figure out what I’m going to write. (At the moment, I’ve got a romantic comedy and a dark noir mystery vying for my attention.)

Ready or not.

2009-02-13T18:03:00Z

I still haven’t managed to get any writing done.

I’ve been grumbling for months now, complaining about the interruptions to my schedule, trying to figure out how to squeeze a few minutes out of the day to get something on the page. Now I’ve got the time, and no idea what to do with it.

I have ideas. Loads of ideas, stories waiting to be written. Some are just a tiny fragment of a thought, or a character-tyoe that I’d like to write someday. Some are titles waiting for a story. Some are pages and pages of notes, detailing everything from setting to character to full-blown scenes.

And I can’t seem to actually start any of them. I keep looking at my notes, waiting for something to jump out at me, but nothing does. I really don’t think any of these stories are ready to be written yet. Or I’m not ready to write them. Even the best ideas—the ones with the most detailed notes, all written in a flurry of inspiration—are missing that final spark. Which leaves me in something of a bind.

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to handle it. I’m clearly not going to get anything written this week, but I hate the idea of going another week without putting something down. I’m tempted to start the next draft of Z.A.U., but I’m barely a third of the way through my first edit. (And I’ve already lived with that story for nearly a year. I need some time away from it.) I’ve got just over a month until Script Frenzy, so I don’t want to start anything too involved. Ideally, I’d like to have a draft done by April, and I’ll need to have something else ready to go when Script Frenzy starts.

I’ll figure something out—either start one of the stories, ready to be written or not, or I’ll just start typing and see where it goes. Monday.

I'm getting far too good at this.

2009-01-16T13:54:00Z

I’ve moved. Again.

Just to the apartment upstairs, but still. Any progress I’d made on getting settled in has basically been undone. But I’m fine with that, mostly—this apartment is about a hundred times nicer than the one I was in (laminate/tile floors, balcony, no upstairs neighbours), and when I do manage to get myself settled, I think I’m really going to love it. But in the meantime, I’m spending most of my time trying to figure out where everything is going to go.

If you’ve been wondering where I disappeared to… well, that’s where. I had two weeks to get everything repacked and moved upstairs. I haven’t even had an opportunity to get any writing done.

But I’m in. And I’m staying here until… well, summer, at least.

1000 Days : Day 600

2008-12-19T21:27:08Z

(If you’re wondering what I’m on about, read the first entry about the 1000 Day project, or take a look at the archive.)

It’s been a rough few months. Of the past one hundred days, I’ve spent nearly eighty living out of boxes and suitcases. I spent November with limited internet access and no phone connectivity. I can’t count of the days lost to packing, and moving, and unpacking. I’m still not properly settled.

So I missed a few days in the 1000 Days project.

Or more than a few. More than I missed in any previous 100-day block. When I did manage to get something done, I rarely had the time and/or resources to do something concrete.

I’m ok with that.

I’ve been in an introspective mood lately. 2008 has been a terrible year. Terrible. And all of it seemed to come to a head in the last few months. So I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the future. It’s been like a concentrated version of the general angst that was kicking my ass when I started this project.

The last hundred days (minus however many I missed) have mostly been spent coming up with a clear, definitive plan for the next five years. I know what I want to accomplish, and I have a pretty good idea of what I have to do to get there. No more of this waffling about, trying to come up with things to do on the fly. I have a to-do list for the first quarter of 2009 all laid out, waiting for me.

It probably sounds like the same old story—I’m thinking about the changes I want to make, rather than actually doing anything. But I’ve never had a clear agenda like this before. It’s always been vague plans, and no idea of how to follow through. Even this project started that way.

I think I know what I’m doing now.

Unsettled

2008-12-03T14:42:00Z

You’ve probably figured out by now that I’ve moved. Or, I’m in the process of moving—I’m in the new apartment, but aside from the barest necessities, I don’t actually have any of my stuff here. (It’s a long and boring story.) I’ll be finishing the move this weekend. Until then, I’m stuck with no furniture and far too much time on my hands.

I’m not really enjoying it.

The apartment’s great. Plenty of space, lots of light. Better kitchen than the last three apartments I’ve lived in. (Though the oven seems dangerously unpredictable.) It’s kind of showing it’s age, but I’m sick to death of boring white boxes. I’m not a huge fan of the neighbourhood—it’s a 1950s subdivision, and more… residential than I’d like—but it’s an easy walk to everything I need to get to.

It’s not even that I don’t like moving. I do. I adore moving into a new place. For most of my childhood, we moved every single year. Things settled down a bit in the mid ’90s, but I still get twitchy after about a year and a half in the same flat. I’ve wanted to move out of the old place pretty much since day one.

It’s just this move in particular. It’s been so difficult. Having to do everything in stages, spending this week essentially camped out in a huge empty space, all of it capping off what’s probably been the worst year of my life… it’s getting to me. I have nothing to do this week but wander around, cataloguing the quirks (the thermostat has a total of three marked temperatures. The bathroom tile has been (badly) painted; from the look of the peeling paint, it appears to have been an awful and/or awesome combination of teal, black, and dusty rose) and coming up with elaborate narratives to explain some of the more unusual security features that previous tenants have installed. Even if I had a story to work on, I couldn’t actually write it right now: I’ve got the computer set up and online, but I’ve about reached the limit of how much I can type with the keyboard balanced on my knees.

I probably shouldn’t complain: this time next week, I’ll be hip-deep in boxes, trying to put everything in some sort of order before the holidays.

103,000. Give or take.

2008-11-28T17:40:00Z

So, the massive novel I’ve been working on since May? Finished.

Thirty-three thousand words longer and two months later than originally planned, but it’s done.

I’m ridiculously happy about it. I haven’t actually finished a story that wasn’t for NaNoWriMo in I don’t know how long. A couple of years. (Bits of stories—the first part in a multi-part series—sure. A stand-alone story, no.) Finishing a novel-length piece without having the whole thing spiral out of control… it’s amazing. And I feel really good about this piece. It’s a good, solid story. The characters are fun (most of them are, anyway… there are two I’m not at all happy with). The exciting bits are exciting, and the quieter bits don’t drag. (I’m taking it as a good sign that, on more than one occasion, I got so caught up in reading it that I forgot I was supposed to be writing it.)

Most importantly: I’m not sick of it. I’m looking forward to tackling the second draft.

Eventually. I’ve been living with this story for so long that I need to step back for a while and think about something else. I’m going to take the rest of the year off from writing. I’m going to try to get some character work done, and I want to flesh out some ideas that aren’t quite ready to be written yet, but putting words on the page is going to have to wait. I won’t have the time, or the attention span, in December.

And I think that, when I do sit down to write again, I’m going to focus on shorter pieces for a few months. I’ve wanted to for a while, but this particular story has consumed so much energy, I haven’t really felt like working on anything else. Taking some time to decompress, and work on pieces that won’t eat my life, will be a good thing, I think. I know, now, that deadlines and word-limits work for me as a writer (even if those goals get revised a couple of times during the writing process)—it isn’t just the outside pressure of NaNoWriMo or Script Frenzy.

Now I just have to try writing something that’s a bit shorter. Under a hundred thousand words.

If this ever comes up again...

2008-11-21T18:27:31Z

… do not let me con myself into thinking it’s a good idea to move to a new apartment in winter. Or any of the winter-adjacent months.

Seems obvious in retrospect.