BIG
1988
DIRECTED BY PENNY MARSHALL

This is one article I was sure I needed to do the right way, and I knew there was only one sure way to do that. Being as I’ve just recently moved into my new office, I felt that there was finally nothing stopping me from doing what I’m about to show you.

Couch Fort. Also, No Girls Allowed.

You didn’t write an article on BIG correctly if you didn’t write it from a fortification made from the cushions of every nearby seating apparatus you could find – I’m sorry, but that’s just basic journalistic credibility.

The movie starts off by introducing Josh Baskin, a 13 year old living in New Jersey. His best friend, Billy, clues him into the fact that he heard that a teenage girl likes him. He goes to a carnival to chat her up,  but ends up being too short to ride the rides with her. (Also, she’s apparently dating some dude that’s old enough to drive, which is just creepy.) In his moment of rejection, he inserts a a quarter into a ‘Zoltar Speaks’ fortune telling machine a bit away from the carnival, wishing he was “big.” The next morning, Tom Hanks wakes up in his bed. Or, I mean, the 13-year-old Josh Baskin has become the 30-year-old Josh Baskin, played by Tom Hanks. There’s no pedophilia in this movie (yet). Unable to stay at home as a 30-year-old man, Josh gets set up in New York City with help from Billy. Soon, he has an apartment and a job at a toy company. After a few days, Josh finds himself promoted from a computer programmer to VP of Toy Development, with all the perks that job comes with (an office and a shitload of toys). He starts a relationship with another executive, Susan Lawrence, played by Elizabeth Perkins, not cluing her into the fact that he’s starting a relationship with a woman fifteen years older then him. Billy, meanwhile, has been searching for the Zoltar machine, but Josh has become more and more engrossed in his new life, much to Billy’s disgust.

"Bros before Hoes, homie."

(I just started watching WEEDS on Netflix not long ago, which also stars Elizabeth Perkins. She’s a really good actress.)

I once knew a writer, his name was Ben, who could write and speak extensively on the subject of how he believed that watching SILVER SPOONS as a young man ruined his expectations for real life. (Sadly, Ben never had a decent racecar bed, or a miniature train that you could ride from the living room to the kitchen.) After watching BIG, I can see what he meant – Josh Baskin has a a soda machine, arcade games and a trampoline in his penthouse. I’ve been slowly getting accustomed to having my own workspace (It’s in the basement, but it’s my office – it’s called Basement Office), and having the freedom to get and do whatever I wanted for it is exhilarating, however dangerous. You see, after watching BIG, I started looking into getting a trampoline for my office – not one of those little kiddie exercise trampolines, but a nice one (if, admittedly, a bit smaller). I checked around, took measurements, started rearranging to account for this prospective trampoline. “I wonder if I could maybe move the Scooby-Doo Pinball Machine so it would be over there… then the couch could just go. I could just get rid of the couch.”

Never mind that the ceiling is 7 feet tall, I didn’t care – I needed to have a trampoline. Around the time I began to wonder if you could have an office without a desk or a computer, I realized that what I was doing was silly and the trampoline from BIG was about to ruin my office. Luckily, I dodged that bouncy bullet, and began moving things in the other part of the basement to accommodate such a device.

Tom Hanks is really good in this movie. It’s not an easy role to play. He’s doing his impression of a 13-year-old boy throughout the entire flick, and he pulls it off in the usual “I’m a fantastic actor” Tom Hanks style. In fact, the performances are solid all across the board, from Tom Hanks at the top of the credits to Vaughn Sandman as “Boy on Baseball Field.” Despite being on screen for maybe half of the movie each, neither the hot but not-always-so-smart love interest nor the wise cracking redhead tween sidekick make me want to throw out the DVD player with the disc in it. A first for 80s movies!

Penny Marshall, the director, seems to be the obvious culprit behind why this movie is so genuine. She seems to have known just how she wanted the movie to turn out, and how she wanted the characters to be portrayed all from the very beginning. There’s a wonderful sense of consistency that you feel while watching this movie, and it’s because the perspective sort of shifts when the character Josh moves out of one world and into another. Regardless of his surroundings, he’s still the same person, and the director makes sure that the way the viewer is presented with his youthful outlook remains constant. The comedy also never gets goofy, like it so easily could. Mismatch some people and hilarity ensues isn’t the formula that the comedy in BIG works on, even though at first glance it seems like it would. It’s much more subtle, and so much the better for it. Penny Marshall would go on to direct A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, a movie that I’ve been told to see about 30 times, but have stayed away from so as to never have to think about Rosie O’Donnell.

Okay, we’ve got kind of a problem in this movie. It’s bad, sort of like how Marty McFly kills his parents in BACK TO THE FUTURE. Josh Baskin is 13.  Whether he’s 30 or 13, Josh is 13. However, Susan Lawrence does something that would cause Josh to have this look on his face as he walks into work the next day.

That is the look of a 13 Year Old that went and saw him some Boobies.

I’m sure that I’m not the first person that’s brought this up, but it seems like this movie is great support for Mary Kay Letourneau’s defense of, “But he was so mature…” If you follow the train tracks of logic here, she’s realized that she is attracted to young boys regardless of what they look like, and they’re the only people she can be around in any kind of relationship. She just didn’t know it until she was tricked into dating one.

In fact, once she does find out that her steady boyfriend is a 13 year old, she seems largely unfazed. She leans on a wall, sighs, and looks at Josh in a way that says “Well isn’t this quite the silly predicament we’re in?” If there was anything in the world, a single thing, that would cause a high powered businesswoman to have a nervous breakdown, you’d think it would be finding out that her man is in junior high. Some tears, please, at the very least.

"Well, I guess i'm a pedophille. You learn something new every day!"

Oh, and one final thing. May I present to you, the “What the hell,” of the night.

What?

....What.

Favorite Line - Scott Brennen (Jon Lovitz): See that girl over there in the red? Say “hi” to her and she’s yours. She’ll have her legs around you so tight you’ll be begging for mercy.
Josh: Well, I’ll stay away from her, then.

Most Thankful For - Jared Rushton, the kid who plays Billy.

"Fuck."

I’ve often wondered what kind of people rated movies in the 70s and 80s, because the shit that they got away with back then always amazes me, slightly stricter guidelines aside. Billy gets away with saying “fuck” in this movie, which just happens to be rated PG. There are a few stories about how JAWS pulled a PG rating when Spielberg bought the MPAA with booze and hookers, but I’m not quite sure how BIG did it, especially with all the mental pedophilia, swear words and angry racquetball playing yuppies.  I’m thinking they got them Legos – NO! Lincoln Logs.

ALSO

My friend Brian. He once played Josh Baskin in a musical production of BIG years ago. Never before has someone so eloquently described to me the joys of dancing on a giant, light up piano. (Apparently, it’s pretty fucking sweet.)

Best Actor – Now, I might have a problem with Tom Hanks. You can decide for yourself if this is healthy. I’d say I fancy myself a pretty decent actor, maybe even burgeoning on “good” based on what people have said about my previous exploits on the stage and screen (Public Access ALWAYS adds 10 pounds).  But every time – every goddamned time – I watch CAST AWAY, PHILADELPHIA, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN or THE TERMINAL, I see Tom Hanks and realize that even with all the training, reading, working and staging in the world, I will never be 1/10 as good an actor as he is, and it sends me spiraling into a Baskin Robbins binge.

Goddamnit, Tom Hanks.

What Date You Should Watch This On – Good first date movie if you’re under 30 or dating a normal chick. If you’re over 30 or dating a stupid girl, you’ll either be showing her something that will make the both of you feel incredibly old, or something she’ll never stop asking questions about.

“But I don’t get it…”
“It’s magic. It made him younger because he asked it to.”
“So it’s like a genie?”
“Yes. just like a genie.”
“…..But it’s not a genie.”

Save it for third or later.

While I Was Watching This Movie, I… – Stepped on a really nice pair of headphones.

While I was Writing This Article, I… – Thought real hard about making fun of the slogan on the poster, but it was just too easy.

Recommended? – Yes. It’s not going to surprise you with some unexpected twists or turns, but it’s a solid flick. Certainly on the short list of movies to see before you die, if there is such a thing as a short list of movies to see before you die. Did you know that some people still haven’t seen Indiana Jones? It’s a tragedy.

It was a painfully slow weekend at the box office, money-wise, and, as a result, the low dollar totals enabled George Clooney to score the #1 movie over Labor Day weekend with THE AMERICAN. The marketing of the film as an action-packed spy thriller certainly aided the film in out-performing its competitors to the tune of $13.1 million, posting $16.2 million since its Wednesday release. It was able to stay ahead of the reach of Robert Rodriguez’s GRINDHOUSE-inspired MACHETE, which gave THE AMERICAN a violent run for its money but came up short in 2nd place with $11.4 million, essentially matching the opening dollar amount of the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature.

TAKERS fell from the top spot, for good reason, all the way to #3, still tallying $10.9 million. In its 2nd week of release, TAKERS has already hit $37.3 million domestically, a total that no one saw coming, except for maybe the people in it, their families, and maybe a few of their agents.

THE LAST EXORCISM absolutely bombed in its 2nd weekend, taking a 64% percentage hit from its audience the week before, for $7.4 million. Horror movie typically don’t hold up well after opening weekend, but, for those who may have been waiting to see it, poor word of mouth couldn’t have helped matters anyway, as, from the drastic drop, it appears The Kidd’s not the only one who thought the ending sucked. However, the silver lining of its box office performance is that, for the miniscule budget it was made for, it’s $32.1 million take so far as proven extremely profitable for Lionsgate. And, whether you liked THE LAST EXORCISM or not, that’s a good sign for original horror that isn’t necessarily a sequel, a remake, or a reboot. Films like this and THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT all those many years ago and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY show that there is a market for films that rely on story and concept more than gore and effects. Therefore, if you’re a horror fan, you have to be happy with how THE LAST EXORCISM turned out, even if you weren’t a big fan of how it actually turned out.

The Kidd was dead wrong about GOING THE DISTANCE, which tanked in a major way, opening at #5 with $6.9 million. Audiences have clearly soured on romantic comedies lately with THE SWITCH also taking that bullet a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately, movie-goers are missing out on this funny gem, because the difference between a movie like GOING THE DISTANCE and THE SWITCH is that the former is really good. The ad campaign Warner Bros. unveiled for GOING THE DISTANCE really did the film a disservice, as it strayed from the dirty raunch humor that could have brought those that enjoy a good Apatow-style flick in favor of trying to attract the female audiences that typically go for this fare, but have been staying away from the formulaic genre.

The Kidd was really wrong about the latest batch of new releases. I had the money close on MACHETE, but I couldn’t have been more off about THE AMERICAN and GOING THE DISTANCE. However, after hearing reaction from those who did see THE AMERICAN and came out disappointed that it wasn’t the movie they thought they were getting, I’m pretty sure I would have been more dead-on had THE AMERICAN not lied to the general public about the movie is really was. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t good – I enjoyed it – but it wasn’t what it claimed to be.

This weekend sees the release of RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE, which is carrying 3-D and IMAX. That should make for a new #1, somewhere in the neighborhood of $26 million. The previous 2 installments have opened consistently around $23 million, but the 3-D and IMAX showings should add a few extra bucks to that total.

Here’s the full top 10 from this weekend’s box office:

1. THE AMERICAN  -  $13.1 Million ($16.2 Million)
2. MACHETE  -  $11.4 Million
3. TAKERS  -  $10.9 Million ($37.3 Million)
4. THE LAST EXORCISM  -  $7.4 Million ($32.1 Million)
5. GOING THE DISTANCE  -  $6.9 Million
6. THE EXPENDABLES  -  $6.6 Million ($92.2 Million)
7. THE OTHER GUYS  -  $5.3 Million ($106.7 Million)
8. EAT PRAY LOVE  -  $4.8 Million ($68.9 Million)
9. INCEPTION  -  $4.5 Million ($278.4 Million)
10. NANNY MCPHEE RETURNS  -  $3.5 Million ($22.3 Million)

That’s going to mark the end of this rather disappointing and subpar summer movie season that was filled with more bombs and busts than anything else. Hopefully, 2011 brings about a better blockbuster season, because, while there were some exceptions, taking a look at this summer’s top 10 overall films shows just how badly things sucked over the past couple of months.

Here’s the top 10 movies at the box office for the 2010 summer:

1. TOY STORY 3  -  $408.8 Million
2. IRON MAN 2  -  $312.1 Million
3. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE  -  $298.7 Million
4. INCEPTION  -  $278.4 Million
5. DESPICABLE ME  -  $241.4 Million
6. SHREK FOREVER AFTER  -  $238.3 Million
7. THE KARATE KID  -  $176.3 Million
8. GROWN UPS  -  $160.1 Million
9. THE LAST AIRBENDER  -  $131.1 Million
10. SALT  -  $115.5 Million

With each new glimpse we get at the indie monster movie MONSTERS, we get to see a little bit more than the time before, all while maintaining an enormous sense of mystery around the project. We’ve still yet to see a clear look at the aliens/monsters in question, a tactic that worked for CLOVERFIELD in drawing audiences into the theatres. And we only gotten the basics of the story thus far, with the trailers not giving away more than they have to.

Ah, it’s nice to see good trailers being cut and serving their purpose well. It’s always pissed me off to see a trailer that gives away everything in trying to grab your interest. Why spend 10 bucks at the theatre when you can watch a condensed version of the movie in 2 minutes for free?

Everything that’s come out for MONSTERS has looked fantastic, and this new trailer is no different. In fact, the more I look at this film, the more I’m tempted to shell out some money to see it on my TV once it hits video-on-demand at the end of the month just to satisfy my curiosity before it gets a theatrical run at the end of October. I’m trying to hold out… I really am, and I would advise you to do the same. After all, no matter how nice your TV is, there’s no way MONSTERS can look better than it will on the big screen, seen as a monster movie should be seen.

But damn… does this look good or what? A test of The Kidd’s willpower is looming.

Alfonso Cuaron’s GRAVITY may no longer be in any sort of trouble after Angelina Jolie passed on the film for a second time. After hearing that Warner Bros. was getting apprehensive about the film’s $80 million budget not being backed by any sort of bankable female star, the studio has basically issued an “In Your Face” by offering the female lead to Natalie Portman, according to The Hollywood Reporter, How’s that for potentially scaling back the production and the budget, and having the film be in jeopardy? In your face!

Robert Downey Jr. is attached to the film as well, although in a much smaller role, as GRAVITY will center around the female part Portman is now considering – a female astronaut whose entire crew is wiped out in space by debris from an exploding satellite. She has to survive CAST AWAY-style in space, in the hopes of making it back to Earth and back to her child.

Portman’s name is in high demand now after glowing reviews have begun circulating from the Telluride Film Festival about her performance in Darren Aronofsky’s BLACK SWAN, which will see at least a limited release in December. Portman has long been regarded as a well-regarded actress, but she has yet to land that big role that has taken her to the next level as a mainstream star… something the STAR WARS prequels should have done but didn’t. If she takes what should be a fairly challenging role, this may be that chance for her. She’ll already be far more recognizable after THOR next summer. This would just be the cherry on top of her already fine acting career, as she’ll have a little something extra to go with the respect she’s already earned.

Every few months, talk of the much-desired HALO movie springs up again, and Microsoft says a few words about how they’d still like to do one some day, and then the excitement dies down again. It’s perfect time now for the HALO discussions to pop up on the radar with the new game in the series, HALO: REACH, a prequel of sorts, set for release in a few days. That way it gets people interested in the product again, interested in buying the games and reading the books and flipping through the comics and picking up any HALO merchandise again, making more money for Microsoft. However, for all the discussion about a HALO movie that is revisited every so often, we’re no closer to seeing a HALO movie, no matter what anyone says.

The closest we ever got was the planned adaptation that fell apart just a couple of years ago with Peter Jackson producing and Neill Blomkamp directing. The Fox/Universal partnership didn’t like where the budget was going, and pulled the plug with the numbers looking higher than $135 million, beyond what was originally estimated. Wow… can you believe that 2 major movie studios yanked plans for a summer movie, because the movie was up around a $135 million budget? That seems unheard of. I don’t even want to know how much money got spent on the likes of PRINCE OF PERSIA or THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE or ROBIN HOOD or THE LAST AIRBENDER just this summer… but I bet it was more than what was going to be shelled out for HALO.

As the story goes, Blomkamp and Jackson went on to make DISTRICT 9 (which was awesome by the way), and HALO was dead. But that hasn’t stopped Microsoft from keeping their options open, as they still maintain the rights to any film property involving Master Chief and the Covenant and the entire HALO universe. They are developing 4 different scripts right now, giving them the chance to pounce on what they might feel is the best opportunity down the line, and, in an interview with Variety, Frank O’Connor, the franchise’s development director, remarks that when the time is right, it’ll be right… and that’s when a HALO movie could actually happen.

“We’re still interested in making an excellent ‘Halo’ movie. We’ve created an awful lot of documentation and materials to support a feature film. We have a good idea of what kind of story we want to tell, but won’t move on it until there’s a great reason to do it. We’re in no particular hurry.”

And that may ultimately be the biggest problem that Microsoft may have in wanting to get this movie made eventually… they’re in no particular hurry. How long can this franchise survive without landing that big event movie right smack in the middle of it? Fans will continue buying the games, and, as a result, they’ll still be able to continuously hit the younger demographic as the previous one gets older and perhaps slows down in making video game purchases. As long as the product stays strong, the name will stay strong. But at what point does their incredible over-protection of the source material, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, cripple them from moving on anything that isn’t totally perfect?

Microsoft may keep holding out hope for a HALO movie, but The Kidd doesn’t see this happening any time soon. This may be the “Chinese Democracy” of video games, which winds up suffering the same Axl Rose-like fate… by the time it happens, will anyone who used to love HALO still care?

I’m still on the fence about this idea of another John Belushi biopic being developed by Todd Phillips. It could easily wind up being a bunch of random moments of Belushi’s life, mixed in with his SNL sketches, and some of his movie highlights… and it may just be a clusterfuck of a piece that ends up paying tribute to the late actor/comedian by impersonating him – something along the lines of MAN ON THE MOON, which wasn’t bad but wasn’t great either. We just wound up learning nothing all that new about Andy Kaufman. On the other hand, if Phillips pays careful attention to telling the story of who Belushi really was, what his troubles were, and takes a honest look at the guy, much in the way that RAY did with Ray Charles, I could get on-board with this.

For the first time since word spread that such a project was in the works, Todd Phillips was willing to discuss with MTV News his approach to the material as well as where they are in the development process, and, seeing what Phillips had to say on the matter, I feel a bit more confident that he may be able to pull this off and pull it off well. It seems to me that he is being extraordinarily careful with getting this movie just right, because anything less than that would be something closer to WIRED. Granted, this could all be bullshit… telling us what we want to hear, so we’ll leave him alone to make whatever the hell movie he wants. But it really sounds like Phillips has a deep emotional connection and respect for the memory of John Belushi, and making a movie that Belushi could be proud of being loosely associated with is a top priority.

“That’s something that gets released by some agent of somebody and then you get asked questions about it. It’s in its very nascent stages.”

“Our goal is not to do a traditional biopic approach with it that people expect, whether you’re talking about ‘Walk the Line’ or ‘Ray.’ All good movies, but our goal is not to make that typical biopic. We want to make a movie that, if John Belushi saw it, he would be happy that it captured his spirit. Sometimes I feel that they don’t entirely capture the spirit of the person they’re about. Our goal is to capture the spirit of Belushi, not necessarily make a straight-ahead biopic.”

“One of the reasons I’m being a bit vague is because we haven’t nailed it yet. It’s in early stages. I’m really talking about the very television-narrative approach that a lot of biopics take. We don’t want to do that. We’re trying to take a very renegade approach to who I think was one of the most renegade comedy actors of all time… It’s about nailing the script down at this point. If it’s a new face or if it’s someone people are familiar with, we haven’t figured that out yet. It’s not even so much about nailing down the script as the renegade approach to a renegade actor.”

The non-traditional biopic approach is really what has The Kidd intrigued, and puts my mind at ease a bit that, unless this is absolutely ready, we won’t see it. Phillips has done excellent work before on OLD SCHOOL and THE HANGOVER, and, while I’m not crazy about what I’ve seen of DUE DATE so far, the potential is there. This would push him into far more serious areas than his other films, and that’s not a bad thing. I can’t knock a filmmaker for trying to do things that challenge themselves rather than sticking with the same comfortable familiar formula. I really hope Phillips nails this, because not enough people remember John Belushi these days. They remember his less talented brother. But they don’t remember how hilariously funny John was. And, if for no other reason than I’d like to see more people appreciate his genius, I’m starting to slowly warm up to the idea. And it only took this little bit of writing from myself to sway me.

Funny how that works sometimes.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s been awhile since director Jan de Bont’s name has been attached to any project whatsoever. He hasn’t made a picture since 2003’s TOMB RAIDER 2, and, taking into account that the 2 movies he made before that one were THE HAUNTING and SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL, it’s easy to see where that string of flicks may have killed his career. But he still does have the original SPEED and TWISTER to his credit, not to mention he was the cinematographer on DIE HARD, so that has to count for something.

Well, clearly someone took that early part of his directorial run to have greater value than the rest, because de Bont has been chosen to helm Zhang Ziyi’s live-action version of MULAN. Chuck Russell had previously been attached to direct the film, but that arrangement seems to have fallen through.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, MULAN would be independently produced, with William Morris Endeavor handling the North American rights, which would eventually be sold to a major studio for distribution. Contrary to prior reports, Walt Disney Pictures has no hand whatsoever in the direction of the film and is not funding it in any way, but that doesn’t mean they might not be interested down the line, if they like what they see. After the debacles of PRINCE OF PERSIA and THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE this summer, it might be in their best interests to get involved on a property that already has some name value for them. However, I get the sense this is going to be far more serious and perhaps more violent than they’re used to, so it wouldn’t surprise The Kidd one bit to see them pass.

I’m a big fan of Zhang Ziyi, partly for her performance in CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, and partly because she’s a hot Asian… so, if she’s a major part of this, I’ll definitely see it. What other reason do you think I would have had for watching RUSH HOUR 2. And, as far as de Bont goes, his last 3 movies may have bee spectacular pieces of shit, but his first 2 made for some solid entertainment. I continue to hold SPEED in very high regard, and, even though the ending of TWISTER is retarded, I still enjoy watching that drive-in get torn to pieces (not a big fan of the flying cows). Therefore, we can expect some big, monumental, action set pieces on the film, and, if the script holds up well, this might be something worthwhile. On the bright side, at least it won’t have Eddie Murphy. That’s always a plus.

After a nice and relaxing Labor Day weekend that didn’t include any labor (I’m sure you noticed), it’s nice to get right back into the swing of things by jumping back in the water quite literally with new news on the planned PIRANHA 3D sequel, that is simply being called PIRANHA 3D – THE SEQUEL. Dimension Films is already formulating a plan to give the fans, few and far between for the first film but profitable enough, more of what they want, and that includes some more well-known and recognizable faces and names we can see offered up as fish food to the piranha.

The New York Post reports that Dimension is looking to go interactive with the sequel by allowing fans to select online what celebrity they’d most like to see killed in gory fashion in the sequel, and then they’d go ahead and make that happen for the sequel. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the actual celebrities would appear, although, knowing the has-beens who comes out for DANCING WITH THE STARS every year in order to grasp onto the spotlight for a few moments longer, it wouldn’t surprise me if a cameo did shake out for whoever got voted in. A reference is made to Jerry O’Connell’s portrayal of a Joe Francis caricature, so that might be another direction they head in, casting someone else to bring forth an over the top version of the celebrity, poking fun at what it is that made people want to see that particular individual get eaten to begin with.

I’d rather see the latter used instead of making the celeb cameo happen, because I get the sense that Snooki of JERSEY SHORE “fame” is going to run away with the competition, and, as much as I loved the first flick, I don’t think I could bring myself to see anything to endorses the celebrity of Snooki for one second longer… or the ridiculous popularity of that show. That would mean Snooki would be getting paid to be in a movie, and I’d be supporting that… and that’s not something I can live with. I could probably punch a child in the face or dropkick an old lady or steal money from starving orphans… but pay money to see a movie with Snooki, even one that kills her in spectacular fashion…? Now that I cannot do.

However, that does make The Kidd wonder what celeb you’d like to see killed in PIRANHA 3D – THE SEQUEL… and, if not them playing themselves, who would you like to see cast in the role? I already know who’d make the perfect Snooki… Don Cheadle.

Oh, man… talk about Oscar.

It isn’t every day that The Kidd gets excited about a Ben Affleck movie, but today is that day. I am really looking forward to seeing the new Affleck-written, Affleck-directed, and Affleck-starring film from Warner Bros. Yep, that’s a lot of Affleck, and surprisingly I’m not sickened by it. Sounds like a movie you want to make an effort into seeing, because if The Kidd is eager for some Affleck, then perhaps there’s something special in the works here.

The Kidd is hosting an advance screening of THE TOWN on Monday, September 13, at 7:30 p.m. at the Sunrise Intracoastal Cinemas in North Miami Beach, and, as usual, I’ve got your tickets into the show. As usual, you’re going to have to earn them, because I wouldn’t dare do any of us the disservice of offering up free rides, but I’m really interested to see what some of your minds come up with for this contest.

As we’ve already seen from THE TOWN, Affleck is struggling in his life as a bank robber between remaining loyal to his friends and his crew and wanting to go straight and get out. From that, we get a glimpse at his crew’s disguises for pulling heists – a bunch of nuns. Over the years, there have been quite a few other disguises that really stood out in movies that featured some bank robbing – ex-Presidents (POINT BREAK), First Ladies (DOMINO), and clowns (THE DARK KNIGHT), just to name a few. Well, The Kidd wants you to come up with your own disguise for your own hypothetical crew in the event that you ever wind up going on a spree of robbing banks. Of course, local law enforcement and the FBI are probably going to contact you in the event that someone rips off your idea, but, in the meantime, at least we’ll have some fun with your creative and unique ideas.

E-mail your entries to Contests@InfamousKidd.com with the following subject line exactly:

STICK ‘EM UP!!!

If you don’t have that subject line exactly, then you don’t have an entry. So cut and paste it, if you must, and be sure you have it perfectly, in all CAPS with THREE (3) exclamation points and that all important apostrophe, or your entry will never even reach us. There’s a specific reason for the subject line needing to be exact, so, if you can’t even follow our first simple instruction than you are done before you ever really got going.

Next, be sure to include your name. This is a MUST. If your entry has no name, it doesn’t exist. I can’t give prizes to people with no name. I also don’t search for names or hunt for names, so, if your name isn’t clearly visible on your entry, then you’re out. Your name must be in the body of your e-mail. If it’s anywhere else, that’s too bad for you.

The deadline for this contest is Friday, September 10, at 5:00 p.m. EST. Winners will be contacted by e-mail and posted on the site later that day. One entry per person per e-mail per name. Therefore, multiple or duplicate entries from duplicate or similar names will be disqualified, as we are able to see the names attached to the accounts you are sending your entries from. And, if you forget a piece of information and try to send it in later, that counts as a multiple, so get it right the first time. After all, I’m not writing these instructions up for my health.

Also, if you cannot attend this screening, do not enter. If you can’t get a babysitter, don’t enter. If you can’t get out of work early enough, don’t enter. If you have class, homework, chores, prior engagements, or previous commitments that would prevent you from attending this screening, do not enter… unless, of course, you’re comfortable being ineligible to enter and win any further screening passes. Therefore, enter at your own risk.

All decisions and rulings are those of The Kidd’s, and my word is final.

Let’s see what type of criminal elements you have within you to go along with your hilarious mindsets that is sure to produce some excellent disguises. Good luck.

I guess this is what happens when people take part in a fun contest, get creative, and earn themselves some passes, instead of looking for something easy or, even worse, what amounts to a movie ticket hand-out. This is why InfamousKidd.com strives on being as personal and interactive as possible… because, when it comes to asking each of you to come up with an alternative use for umbrellas in bringing peace between mankind and the Umbrella Corporation, this is the result.

Quite a few really good entries came in at Infamous Headquarters from people who wanted to win (not be given) passes to The Kidd’s advance screening of RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE in 3-D in Miami. I certainly didn’t expect women in panties being in danger of being stabbed by an umbrella, and I definitely didn’t expect a few of your first thoughts to be to make sure the umbrella is going up your butt… but that’s why I love you all. You keep surprising me with your twisted and sick ways… and that is hardly a bad thing.

Let’s get on with naming the winners:

• Angela Beaz
• David Izquierdo
• Pedro Izquierdo
• Yamile Morlote
• Fernando Ortega
• Jose Otano
• Denise Perez
• Claudia Rodriguez
• Marcus Thomas

That’s it. That’s the list.

If you won, keep an eye on your mailbox for an e-mail from The Kidd with your ticket pick-up instructions. If you didn’t, don’t.

Congrats to the winners. They certainly went out of their way to jump through some hoops and earned it.

Now enjoy their entries.