First up, Evan and Anne’s engagement session charmed Weddings Unveiled with their bright blue engagement session for a feature at their Completely Unveiled Blog. I can’t wait to share these two again in March after what I am sure is going to be a gorgeous downtown Savannah wedding!

Ben and Allie inspired North Carolina brides with their sweet Manteo wedding, published by The Wedding Row Charlotte. I’m so in love with these breezy beach photos and their tender love, I republished their slideshow at The Girl in the White Dress!

2012 is shaping up to be just as pretty, if not more so – my 2012 brides are planning some incredibly beautiful fêtes! (Yay! I used a French word! I’m too classy for me, even! *snicker*) I am so unbelievably excited about this year…

I went to work the morning after I got my never. It was the big one. The one that crushed a young girl’s dreams and thoroughly broke my heart. I had walked into it with so much hope. I walked out, utterly defeated. It was what he had wanted to accomplish.

There was no sleep for me that night, and no distraction. The pain, the shame – it consumed me. I shouldn’t have gone to work. I spent the day behind closed doors. I made a few calls, had a few meetings to talk with people I trusted about what had happened. They betrayed my trust.

I never quite escape that day. I don’t know why. I think it is the day the tears stopped. The day the pain went too deep. I think it is the day I found I could no longer choose to be vulnerable.

—

I met two amazing people yesterday to talk about photography, to rabbit-trail all around and get to know one another a little better. I climbed back into the car after our meeting to Fernando Ortega’s “give me Jesus,” and tried not to shatter the way I do after meeting people sometimes. Most of the time. All of the time.

“Just breathe,” I reminded myself. “You were real. Don’t worry about it.”

But my brain, which never remembers exact quotes from other people, replayed my own exact quotes, my over-loud laughter, the quiet spaces, the uncertainty I read and tried to ease. And I was right back where I was ten years ago, walking out of the room with one last brave look over my shoulder, the last time I ever really looked into his eyes – into anybody’s eyes.

Meeting people wakes my vulnerability. I don’t say hello without investing my entire heart in it. Heck, I don’t smile at somebody without investing my heart. I stayed up until midnight, watching movies cross-eyed tired. I pushed off those few moments of alone that come before I sleep, unable to face myself and my questions there.

—

The “go” is going to rip me open this year. There is a lot of “never” in this world. A lot of betrayal. Choosing life instead of busy is not easy.

But I have this new bathrobe, a fuzzy-on-the-inside, fuzzy-on-the-outside number that leaves me feeling cozy, feminine, and just me. I’m still in it. I’ve been in it for most of the last two days. I’m reading, thinking, choosing. to. be. My life right now is a pretty, muddled, rather deliberate mess, but my outlook isn’t bleak.

And while my hope is cautious, more informed than it used to be, I am relearning what it means to have faith – in God and in people. I think it’s a good thing.

This year, I have committed to sharing good content on my blog. The happy, happy clap-trap that goes with so many online brands simply does not work for me. (If I share that stuff, it’s pretty much because I’m bouncing off the walls about it, and all that energy has to go somewhere. I am just sayin’.)

But over the last month, I have found that posting good content here is going to be tougher than it looks. It’s going to require that I take time to pour in, instead of putting out all the time. It requires more vulnerability than I know how to access, which is really weird for ME to be admitting.

I didn’t realize how badly I’d been failing until I stormed out of the house away from my computer yesterday how little of my passion I have been sharing here. I caveated myself all the way to the park with the kids, then called my husband and told him exactly what I was thinking. Which I would never blog because I don’t want to offend… Which is when I understood how it is possible for one to become too careful.

In all my branding and crafting of my business and professional identity, I’ve done something I never did before – I created an identity for myself outside of Christ.

So let’s try this again: I am a photographer. I am a writer. I am a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend. I am a sinner, and I am human. But more than anything else, I am HIS, and being HIS means that I have a WHOLE LIFE that is about HIM and not about me.

Do you know that I scare good church people with what I say about freedom and grace? Do you know that I cry when I read Scripture and see God’s heart splayed out? Do you know that He has called me the Church, to His Body, to those who are longing to be free, who want more than spiritual cliché that leaves them with little besides a spiritual to-do list that keeps them firmly in control and far away from the abundant life Jesus came to provide?

There are things I know that people need to hear, things I am called to say about my God and the freedom He has given me, things about grace that aren’t just “the understood.” These are the things that have turned my gritty real life into His fine art, things that hold me innocent and keep me stayed on Him.

I am not going to ram it down anybody’s throat. I HATE THAT. I totally believe that He can speak through a life that is His, without any ten-step plans or spiritual seminars.

I’ve created different levels to my brand. I keep a faith journal over at A Restless Heart (which should be seeing one rather huge vent today), and I allow access for people to read my thoughts. I have this blog for my business/everyday stuff – this is pretty much what you’d get if you met me (yes, almost anything is fair game). And my blog at The Girl in the White Dress is client/image-centric for people who don’t want to be inundated with stuff from me. I’m the same person in each place; I’m just expressing my passion in different ways.

This year He said “GO” and not “Caveat.” He said, “rip your skin off,” and I’m done being good. He is my passion, and my deepest reason for going, doing, or trying anything. There’s nothing I can change about that. And if you want to know why? Check out A Restless Heart. Because I’m going to be saying it today.

And since Pete and I decided it would be good for experience, connections, business, friendships, and overall health (!!!!), and since this year is evidently my year for “go”…

I’m going to be in Nashville at BlissDom ’12, partying with the girls for pretty much the first time in my whole entire life. I’m leading in the photography track (oh, if only you all knew what I don’t know!!!), and I wrote up a very professional-sounding resumé yesterday that makes me sound like I’d like to hang out with me for what I offer. What everyone else decides about me will be entirely up to them.

Kelly Sauer is a work-at-home-mom who launched a wedding photography business in 2010. An incurable restless heart, she makes fine art out of real life as she integrates her faith with her business, focusing on authentic relationships and transparent branding.

Kelly is a contributing photography editor at The High Calling, and also writes and photographs for Ungrind, an online devotional magazine. She is also the managing editor at High Calling Focus, a blog created to encourage photographers who are living their faith behind the lens.

In Kelly’s first year at Blissdom, she hopes to share from her experience with:

Authentic branding – engaging with your real life online and in your work
Life as a WAHM – building a life with a business in it
Dreams-come-true – what happens when a dream becomes reality

You know. Typical me stuff. Cleaned up a little.

I am excited. I really am. I know there are some of you going that I have been dying to meet. But I have to tell you too – I am freakedoutofmymind, because as much as I have thought about getting asked to speak or lead at something like this, I never actually believed it would happen. Or that I would agree to do it.

For the first time in my life, I’m not being written off, and that both excites and scares me, but I think that may be what Blissdom is about, the fact that nobody should be written off. I’m going to embrace this experience and see what God does. I expect my world will be blown open.

But I’m starting to get used to that…

Then Moses said to the LORD, “See, You say to me, ‘Bring up this people.’ But You have not let me know whom You will send with me. Yet You have said, ‘I know you by name, and you have also found grace in My sight.’ Now therefore, I pray, if I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight. And consider that this nation is Your people.”

And He said, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Then he said to Him, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here. For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.”

So the LORD said to Moses, “I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in My sight, and I know you by name.”

And he said, “Please, show me Your glory.”

Then He said, “I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you…

- Exodus 33:12-19

This, right now, is one of my favorite passages of Scripture. Ever. I am reading it over and over. It is my prayer; it is my hope.

He’s picked me up and He’s carrying this and I’m starting to feel the wind in my face, beginning to feel what it’s like to fly. THIS fear is exhilarating; it’s a giddy wild adrenaline rush that ebbs and flows and keeps reminding me that I’m HERE, in my own skin, living my own life.

I am caught between tears and laughter, whispers and shrieking, trepidation and joy. I’m watching my calendar fill up with things I will love and carefully-placed space in between, realizing that my dream is no longer a dream but a reality. We are crazy, going forward, trying to figure out childcare for trips and conferences, meeting new friends, meeting friends I feel like I’ve known forever.

And all the while, I hear Him speaking: “Go, go, go – I want to do something with your life!”

I grab onto Him, not yet sure if I’m ready to fly, but look, look!

“My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

You’d better believe I’m asking Him for glory.

The sky came down low this morning, a perfect, romantic gray that begged for lamplight, Jim Brickman, tea, and a little contemplation in between projects and littles.

I had trouble getting to sleep last night, sliding down the remaining adrenaline that pushed me through the last several days. Pete fell asleep before I did, and I didn’t know if I should read or watch something or think or journal. I finally settled on creating a playlist on my iPhone and turning the light off.

My life has changed dramatically in the last year. Last January, I was a wannabe with a good shot. This year, I am a wedding photographer with a strong brand, a direction, and a clientele. I’m writing articles on a consistent basis for an online magazine. I’ve been asked to lead a few workshops at one blogging conference and encouraged to attend another. I’m now the lead editor for a non-personal photography blog, and I’ve accomplished enough in my new field that people are beginning to ask me for advice.

My calendar is filling fast. I’m phasing out my professional design this year to make room for family, and for photography. I never run out of things to do. Ever.

I don’t have very much time to read and comment online anymore. My blog, which began as a hobby and a way to process my life, has now grown into a platform for a career I didn’t expect to have when I dropped out of school nine years ago.

I am not the same person I was then. I don’t know what to do with that.

Like any good control freak, I hate change. Until the last year, I’ve almost required it to force itself upon me. But in the last twelve months, I have chosen change. Deliberately opened up my life to it and said, “let’s see what happens.”

My real life is getting more real. I’m engaging with real people and real professionals on a peer level I’ve rarely experienced. I’m walking into a life I didn’t plan with a “go” from an unexpected place, and my heart is still wondering if this is all okay. I still approach life like a little kid – it’s why I still dream, I think. I don’t feel old enough for all the decisions I have in front of me. I don’t feel… perfect enough.

But I read once that being human is the best way to have a relationship with God. I know more now than ever how human I am, how the only thing that sets me apart from anybody else is Jesus – and He is the sweetest commonality I have with those who are in Him.

He keeps me humble, engages with my dust, and challenges my preconceived notions of spirituality by just giving me a life to live that is His.

I don’t talk about Him here so much as I used to – not because I am embarrassed, or because He’s not at work in my life. I no longer feel a need to justify what I believe about Him. Stepping out on faith that Jesus’ blood actually covered me has allowed me to live, to do, and to simply be in a way I never imagined.

He says He never changes – and I don’t think He does. But my knowledge of Him has changed, and the more I have seen of Him, the more I have myself been changed. I don’t expect that to change as I go.

The sky comes down, and the projects are finished, along with the tea that has (predictably) grown cold as I work. The neighbor’s magnolia tree is beginning to blossom as spring sneaks early into Charleston. Twenty-three days into 2012, I am alive and in Him-who-does-not-change.

And time moves on, not caring whether I’m ready to go with it.

Beginning in 2012, most of my wedding, engagement, and editorial photography sessions are going to land at The Girl in the White Dress. I’ll be doing previews and post announcements here, because they are, of course, relevant to me. I’m trying to scale back a little on the storytelling where I’ll be doing my full reveals (because GIWD is meant to be an image-centric blog), but I’ll use this blog to share bits and pieces from behind-the-scenes.

Okay, so speaking of bits and pieces. I mean, embarrassing bits and pieces. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH LOOKING LIKE I HAVE IT TOGETHER. Omigosh. I am beginning to think that “professionalism” may really be more about damage control…

When I met Matt and Kelly in person yesterday, I picked up where we left off after our Skype meeting last week. Kelly and I have quite a bit in common, and our conversation was easy – and we were pretty excited about the shoot.

So I was talking. And walking. And carrying my camera bag. And apparently, I cannot walk and talk and carry a camera bag at the same time. I hit a curb at – ahem – full tilt, and I began our session with a full-out drop-and-roll. Oh my word. There is nothing like a good fall to remind you of your own humanity – I’d like to call it an ice breaker? (You know, without the ice.)

Because I have to say – this shoot rocked my photographic world.

I spent most of Friday night having nightmares about the shoot: not getting there on time, messing up exposures, putting my foot in my mouth, getting in trouble with my mother-in-law – oh wait. Not photography-related. (If you ever wonder if I still get nervous before my sessions…)

I woke Saturday morning to clouds, and I resigned myself to shooting without sunlight, but (and I’m sure this is due to the prayers of many good and loving friends) God gave us just enough sun to give us some color against all the blue-gray.

My priority this year is nailing exposure, and Matt and Kelly gave me time to do that, in spite of an incoming cold front. I am beyond happy with the results, and while this will be the very first shoot I’ll send out to Richard Photo Lab for color-processing, I could NOT resist doing up a few images myself to share right away.

The image above is one of my favorites from yesterday’s session (inspired by a video from a Grey Likes / Braedon Flynn shoot) but it might not be the best image – there are a few more UH-MAZ-ING shots at The Girl in the White Dress – I promise, you are gonna love ‘em!

One of my photography goals this year is to learn to be more creative with my cropping and composition. I think a major component of lifestyle photography is knowing how to crop with STYLE. I often play around with the crop when I post-process, but I want to develop my eye to do this in camera. Learning to crop and compose requires a stronger knowledge of the anatomy of your subject, your lighting, and your camera positioning.

When it is done well, creative cropping offers life to the details and adds visual interest to photo spreads. I mean, would YOU have noticed my earring in those portraits unless I had cropped it in like this?

Claire’s anatomy prompt for our first 2012 installment at 3 • From Here and There created a perfect opportunity for me to put in some practice. I’m afraid I forgot about the prompt until Claire sent her image in yesterday, so I pulled from what I had that I’ve been loving lately. (Since this one didn’t get posted with my recent self-portraits, I figured it’d be a little new, right?)

But I had a second archived option that I loved for the prompt: an antique model! I just have to share it because I’m in love with it. You know, from a behind-the-camera perspective. ;-) There is a subtle, abstract humor to this one when you consider it in context of “anatomy.”

I shot this one at our Farmer’s Market last fall for Le Papillon Vert, but I have so got to get me one of these. This is definitely on my props wishlist for 2012!!

Our prompt at Three this round is “anatomy.” Do you have a photo or a story to share about that? Join the fun with Claire and Sarah and me, won’t you? We’d love to have you!

But things got real in the middle of the other, sweeter post I began this morning. I was writing about God, and about some things I love about Him. I had blinked in the staredown I’ve been having with Him over the way real life works, and I was writing out the “what-if-I” that might lead to more joy in my life.

I was finalizing the edits on the post when my four-year-old came in. We cancelled our cable service on Saturday, so we’ve been making do with my laptop and available online material. Pip had turned off her program, and she expected an immediate fix.

Determined to be patient with her, I asked her to wait for me to finish my writing. She began to whine about how she Just. Couldn’t. Wait.

I soldiered on, trying to ignore her fussing, until my two-year-old joined us. He climbed up on my desk, took a sip of my tea, and spit it out all over my desktop. As I firmly pulled him off the desk, he kicked his foot into my chair and started screaming from pain.

Drowning in their noise and my own frustration, I looked at my sweet, spiritual post and then at my kids and I lost it. I sent them from the room. I unplugged the laptop from the TV. I yelled my frustration at them, declaring a moratorium on the television. I slammed a few doors. Loudly.

Then I came back into my office, looked again at my writing, and started bawling. I clenched my fists and spit mad words at God for being better than I can ever be.

These are the moments when I doubt most that I can really be His. When I throw books at the door so I can have a little “quiet time with God.” When I have to prioritize my own needs before those of my children. When my sin bleeds over into my interactions with and about God, I hate myself like nobody has ever hated me.

“It’s your own fault that you’re not godly.” The proof lays itself out against me, and all I can hear is my own screaming. All I can see is how far short I have fallen.

On my good days, I can almost fool myself into thinking I’ve accomplished something to be like God, but on mornings like this, I know I’ve got nothing but Him, hemming me in with His love. Which somehow covers a multitude of sins.

But grace is never more alive than it is in these moments.

You see, it is grace that makes fine art out of gritty real. It is grace that speaks love over what happened at our house this morning. It is grace that speaks through my husband’s reminder that it was not wrong for me to be upset because my children are focused only on their own needs. It is grace that softens a four-year-old’s heart when she hears me sobbing, grace that slips a folder-sized card beneath my door. It is grace that sends my two-year-old back to me for a hug after pain that I have caused.

And it is grace that pulls me back into the arms of a God I keep doubting, grace to see my sin and know that He has already dealt with it.

This was going to be a different post, but my skin got ripped off.

Moving forward, I’m going to be presenting Kelly Sauer, Ltd. Co. a bit like a clothing company, updating it with a new look for different seasons, a la Ruche or Anthropologie. This fits my need to update with new images, etc., and allows me to change things around within a consistent visual framework.

Over the weekend, I updated my Twitter pages with fresh backgrounds and new Avatars, which I hope will stay consistent through 2012. You can check those out here.

@kellysauer
@girlinthewhite

(The avatar on @girlinthewhite is a preview of an upcoming series of posts about my own love story…)

I’ve also updated my personal Facebook timeline cover in the direction that I’m wanting to take my design in 2012. If you’re a friend who reads my blog and you want to connect on Facebook, you can friend me at https://www.facebook.com/meet.kellysauer. If I have met you in real life or gotten to know you well enough to trust you with the more personal elements of my regular life than I already share with the whole world, I’ll approve your friend request. If you’re a total stranger, well, you’ll have to content yourself with liking my pages.

Speaking of Facebook pages – I’ve finally created an official business page for Kelly Sauer, Ltd. Co. I’ll be sharing branding and business updates from there now.

My personal page will become just that, a personal page that lots of people can like (HA!!!). I will be my same random-ish dramatic self on that page, with some family updates that I’ve avoided there to this point because of the business. If you want to tag me on Facebook, tag me there.

And for those of you who are only interested in my wedding, engagement, and editorial photography, you can follow The Girl in the White Dress, where I will be sharing curated posts and information pertinent to brides.

Oh, and while we’re talking about The Girl in the White Dress – there are images at the site now. I culled my favorite, favorite sessions without all the writing extras on the side. I completely love the photo-centric focus there – it lets me keep all my pretties in one place! I’m letting it act as my 2012 portfolio – since it works as a mobile site too.

And then there is this little project. I translated the front page of The Girl in the White Dress into a real, in-print book. With an iPad/iPhone version. Which I looooovve. The book is a 6×9-inch pamphlet-type book with only 20 pages, a little love, a little fine art. Pete says it leaves you wanting more, which I think is a good thing.

I’ll likely create another version of the book later, but I wanted something like this to include in the packages I’ll be leaving with local vendors when I go to introduce myself in the next month or so.

BUT. If YOU all wanted to have one, you can order directly from Blurb. I’m letting them go at cost for now!

Okay, that’s all I can think of, since I already updated you on the office redesign. It’s been fun.