Susannah Conway

Not Father’s Day

susannah — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 12:00:24 PDT

I hear it’s Father’s Day today. Might even be in the UK as well as north America, but I can’t be sure as it’s not on my radar. For the last 29 years I have not had a relationship with my father, ever since he emigrated to Australia from England when I was eleven-years-old. I wrote about him in my book; I’ve blogged about it here; I’ve talked about it at length with two therapists and I’ve even written an article about it for a national newspaper and Cosmopolitan (of all places). I’ve looked at it from all angles. I’ve put myself in his younger shoes. I’ve acknowledged how it’s affected me as an adult woman. I sat with my younger self, feeling what she felt. I’ve witnessed friends’ relationships with their fathers and marvelled at them. I’ve flirted with the idea of forgiveness. I’ve had actual conversations with him in the handful of times we’ve met — last time was over 10 years ago. I’ve listened to him apologise to us and admit it was a shitty decision. I’ve also heard him talk lovingly about his children — his Australian family. Moments before he’d stumbled over my name, unaccustomed to using it.

I have no idea what it’s like to have a man in my life who loves me unconditionally, like a father would. I’ve never had anyone to send a Father’s Day card to. It’s all very normal to me now, just another part of the story, but for some reason, this afternoon, after seeing yet another ‘I love you, dad’ status update on Facebook, I felt a sadness I haven’t experienced in a long time. The sadness of a little girl who didn’t have a daddy anymore. She had no idea how to process it, so she turned into a needy teen who wanted so desperately to be loved she’d settle on the first guy who paid her some attention. And my thoughts then turned to my nephew, as they so often do these days. I trust that HIS daddy will be there for him. I love my brother-in-law and I know he’d always do right by my sister and Noah (and he knows I’d kneecap him if he didn’t ;-)

……

To be honest, I don’t know how to end this post. I guess I just wanted to put some words down, and give a shout out to all of you out there who don’t have someone to send a Father’s Day card to either.

xo

Something for the weekend

susannah — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 10:23:27 PDT

[video] Patrick Stewart is awesome

Lisa Congdon and her tattoos

Breakfast skillet | curried cauliflower & quinoa salad | more cauliflower ideas

Liberty washi tape!

How I want my daughter to look — truth from Kate

[video] Sad cat diary

The internet IS real life

Have you seen Denise’s beautiful new course, Soulsigh?

I’ve never really been that bothered about make up — I wear it but I only have a few products. But since I discovered Lisa Eldridge’s videos I’m tempted to try a few new ideas, just for fun. (loved this especially, and this for mature skin) Treated myself to an Origins blusher yesterday and it really does make me look… healthier :)

Carrie fashion flashback

32 reasons why Robert Downey Jr is the most perfect man in the universe (I concur)

And finally, my first and dearest ecourse baby, Unravelling, is now open for registration. The summer session starts on July 8th and it’s likely this will be the penultimate time I run the course as I’m cooking up something new for 2014. I’ll share more about that as soon as I hammer out the details, so for now, let’s do some summer unravelling! xo

Things I want to remember

susannah — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 10:39:43 PDT

Our blondie bear is a real little chatterbox. I’ve lost count of all his words — he talks in sentences now! Once in a while he’ll say something in such a sophisticated way I just stare at him, wondering who this teenager is. His daddy says “oh em gee” a lot ( in jest, you understand) — Noah’s version is “oh eye jim” which he says emphatically and often. His pronunciation is becoming faultless for so many words, though there are still a few I hope he gets ‘wrong’ forever:

fallahs — flowers
butter fallahs — buttercups
mingos — flamingoes
atchalen — actually

Auntie knocked it out the park with the Rapunzel and Eugene dolls (Noah: Punzel and Nugene). We spent a very happy Saturday afternoon taking their clothes off and putting them back on again, ooh, about 50 times. Then we put Tangled on the DVD player and acted out half the film — it was EPIC, let me tell you. Later that evening I had the rare honour of reading him his bedtime story (no mummy or daddy allowed in the room!) I lay next to him on his big boy bed (he has a big boy bed now!) and read Room on the Broom while he finished his milk and drifted off. Then I tucked him in and tiptoed out the room, my swelling heart trying to escape out of my chest.

Sunday morning we went to see the most delightful children’s theatre, and played with the water hose in the garden all afternoon. We made a miniature garden (his mummy’s brilliant idea) and ate our dinner on the trampoline (Noah: jumpoline). Punzel and Nugene joined him in the bath at bathtime (of course) and there were a few dramatic tears at bedtime, but cuddles with mummy sorted that out…

On Monday morning we watched his current favourite music video (Feist’s 1234) then headed out in the car to Bristol Zoo (Noah: zoon). We saw monkeys and lion cubs and butterflies and lots of insects. He found the dinosaurs a bit scary at first, but quickly overcame this when we explained they were ‘pretend’, though they were animatronic models and pretty convincing!

Later we were in John Lewis stocking up on a few essentials when he looked up at me and said ‘Susie, I need a wee’ (our little man has been potty-trained for a while now and only wears nappies at night) so we hotfooted it to the nearest mother-and-baby room, luckily only a few feet away. It had a normal-sized toilet and despite Noah wanting to do a ‘standing-up wee’ I said it would be better to sit down, so I lifted him up onto the seat and he put his little arms around my neck for balance. ‘I’m going to do a poo,’ he declared breathlessly, so I said okay, and then he whisphered ‘I love you’ into my ear. It was the sweetest, most comical, spontaneously brilliant moment ever, me crouched in front of the toilet, holding on to him while he pooed and declared his love. Did i mention comical?

On the way home we stopped off at a supermarket to pick up dinner. While his mummy shopped we waited in the car singly along to his three favourite songs* VERY loudly (he knew all the words… like, all of them) and I made him scream with laughter at the silly shenanigans of a parrot hand puppet. Later, at bedtime, I curled up on the end of his bed and listened as his mummy read him a story our grandmother used to read to us as little girls. As the past met the future there were definitely angels dancing in the room that night.

He’s starting to get a handle on the concept of time, though it’s still hard to explain that even though I have to leave I’ll see him again soon. He knows what ‘missing someone’ means and says it a lot. I wish I lived closer and visit as often as I can, but it’s still hard. But he knows I love him as big as the sky, and I know he loves me, and when we’re together we have the best time. He’s my tiny little 3-year-old best friend, he really is.

* Bounce feat. Kelis by Calvin Harris
We are never ever getting back together by Taylor Swift
When will my life begin? by Mandy Moore

And the winners are!

susannah — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 10:41:16 PDT

Well now, this has been so much fun! I knew we were a community of bookworms, but now I have the proof :) There’s been such wonderful energy and enthusiasm in the comments of the giveaway post, it’s been a joy to read through them every day.

Books really are great, aren’t they? The fact that you guys remember your favourites so lovingly from childhood makes my heart dance. My sister and I fully intend to nuture the love of books in my nephew so thank you so much for adding to our must-read-to-him list!

So with that all said, here are the winners of the Big Book Giveaway!

The BOOKBOMB winner is Abby Coffell

Taking Flight by Kelly Rae Roberts goes to Tina Presley

Cultivating Your Creative Life by Alena Hennessy goes to Louise Gale

Creative Thursday by Marisa Anne goes to Kelly at Sweet Blue Sky

The Declaration of You by Jessica Swift & Michelle Ward goes to Deni Moore

The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle LaPorte goes to Hilari Marshall

The Right-Brain Business Plan by Jennifer Lee goes to Dawn Tappen

Brave Intuitive Painting by Flora Bowley goes to Sue Koepnick

Daring Adventures in Paint by Mati Rose McDonough goes to Joanna Meriwether

Photo Craft by Susan Tuttle & Christy Hydeck goes to Katie Mattson

Decorate Workshop by Holly Becker goes to Fiona Theodoredis

Zen Under Fire by Marianne Elliott goes to Amy Simpson

Crazy Sexy Kitchen by Kris Carr goes to Brandalyn

Inner Excavation by Liz Lamoreux goes to Zoe B

The Life Organiser by Jennifer Louden goes to Alanna Jane

Desire to Inspire by Christine Mason Miller goes to Amy Bogue

The Beauty of Different by Karen Walrond goes to lisa T.

A Field Guide to Now by Christina Rosalie goes to Millie Thomas

Your Other Names by Tara Mohr goes to Cindi Summerlin

This I Know by Yours Truly goes to Karen Poremski

My Heart Wanders by Pia Jane Bijkerk goes to Becki

Life is a Verb by Patti Digh goes to Sherry L Gaboury

Instant Love by Jen Altman, Amanda Gilligan and Yours Truly goes to Sharon Wharton

The Creative Entrepreneur by Lisa Sonora Beam goes to Shaina Longstreet

You Can Buy Happiness (and it’s Cheap) by Tammy Strobel goes to Barb g

The Inside of Out by Jena Strong goes to Sharon Palac

Photographing Your Children by Jen Altman goes to Michelle Cooley

Loves, expect an email from me within the next 48 hours xxx

Something for the weekend

susannah — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 07:32:37 PDT

Eight things I learned from 50 naked people (via Jenn)

App Camp for Girls

Tomato + peach salad | mung bean hummus | the perfect smoothie formula

This poem is not a personal poem — truth from Mati Rose

38 Anthropologie hacks

UK peeps: this non-dairy ice cream is to die for

MaryBeth has opened up her Wild Alchemy spots for this month! (I had a tarot reading last week and it was beautiful)

How to break through your creative block

Loved this podcast about journalling from Tammy – she talks about how she uses her Creative Dream Journal

Drooling over this iPhone case | new VSCO Cam app

So much goodness in the Oh, Hello Friend shop

I (virtually) ventured outside the hermitage this week to share Voice Notes with Abby and a Tap-In Q&A with Susan

And finally, we’ve added ~~THREE~~ FIVE more books to the Big Book Giveaway! I’ve been loving reading all your favourite childhood books (did you figure out my cunning plan? I’m making a list of books for my nephew :)

This I Know, one year on

susannah — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 10:56:03 PDT

The best part of writing a book isn’t seeing it in bookstores, though that is certainly fun. It’s not even holding the book in your hands for the first time. No, the best part is getting emails of appreciation from readers. Even now I still get emails from souls who’ve connected with my story and wanted to share theirs with me. I’ve sat here with tears in my eyes as I read about the loved ones they’ve lost, and how they found themselves reflected back in the pages. To me this is the real measure of the book’s success. Doing the book tour last year was so amazing and I’ve caught myself wishing I could do it all again this year. Getting to sit and talk with all those women was such an honour and definitely one of the most soul-nourishing things I’ve ever done.

I wrote This I Know in 2011 and my head and heart are in a different place from where they were two years ago. Yet so much of what I wrote still stands. Though I don’t remember every word I wrote, I can still recall how it felt to be holed up in my home in Bath pouring my heart out into my laptop. Writing a book, like any big creative project, asks a lot of you. It’s physically tiring and mentally challenging; your inner critic rubs her hands in glee as you dance daily with your imposter complex. And it doesn’t stop when the book is finished. I had a short period of compulsively checking my Amazon reviews until I finally got what I’d feared most — a negative review — and decided then and there to stop checking! As an author you have no control over how people receive your book. You can only do your best, try not to let yourself or your publisher down, and cross your fingers that you’ll sell enough copies to be able to write another. Because that’s the thing with a first book — it’s a first book. It’s your baptism by fire, and once you’ve done it once you’re itching to do it again. But this time, you tell yourself, it’ll be better. You know how to write a book now. You know what not to do. You know how much time it takes, and how you’ll wring every word from your brain and need to find ways to fill it up again. “It’s just a first book,” you’ll say to friends. “My next one will be better.”

This I Know touches on subjects that are important to me — family, creativity, community, solitude, purpose — and I’m hungry to dive deeper into them, but the chapter that feels most complete to me is the first. My grief story informs the entire book, but is told in more detail in chapter one. Putting the finishing touches to that part of the book felt like the closing of a circle. It felt like completion, finally, and a letting go…. and that’s why it’s my favourite.

I recorded the first section of that chapter for you… just for fun:

I am healed and moving forward, but reading back my words — saying them aloud even — makes me so grateful that I had the opportunity to put my story onto paper. It doesn’t matter if I think I could have done better (we’re always going to think that, eh?) — what matters is it’s being read by those who needed to read it. Who needed to find themselves reflected back in someone else’s experience. It’s what I was searching for in those first months of bereavement, but it’s also more than that. It’s about the twisty wonderous creative journey, and the path to self-acceptance. I’m proud of my little book baby and I hope I can write a sibling for her at some point in the not too distant future.

That one will be even better ;-)

_________

There’s still plenty of time to enter the Big Book Giveaway!

And Journal Your Life starts in less than a week so I’ll keep registration open in case you’d like to join us xx

The Big Book Giveaway!

susannah — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 05:38:15 PDT

** UPDATE: comments are now closed — winners announced over here x

Oh my loves, I have something really delicious for you today!

This week marks the one year anniversary of my book baby being out in the world – one whole year! Can you believe it? To celebrate I’ve got some fun posts lined up for this week, starting with today’s Big Book Giveaway.

One of the most amazing things to have come out of the blogosphere in the last few years is a creative community of women sharing their lives and talents with the world. Whether it’s blogs, books, courses, coaching or art, I’m constantly inspired by these women and try my best to add something worthwhile to the pot, too. So rather than just giving away my book (how boring!) I wanted to put a spotlight on the books that have been birthed out of this community and give them away too. I reached out to my book-writing peers and they all replied with a resounding hell yeah! so here’s what we’ve cooked up…

For a chance to win one of the 21 26 beautiful books listed below just follow the instructions at the end of this post. BUT HERE’S THE BEST BIT! There’ll be one extra winner who’ll get bookbombed — one copy of every book will arrive through his or her door — bam!

Can you imagine it? 26 books all for you. 26 books to inspire and delight. 26 new book friends to be made.

If I wasn’t running this giveaway I would SO be entering it :)

Meet the authors

Taking Flight by Kelly Rae Roberts

Cultivating Your Creative Life by Alena Hennessy

Creative Thursday by Marisa Anne

The Declaration of You by Jessica Swift & Michelle Ward

The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle LaPorte

The Right-Brain Business Plan by Jennifer Lee

Brave Inuitive Painting by Flora Bowley

Daring Adventures in Paint by Mati Rose McDonough

Photo Craft by Susan Tuttle & Christy Hydeck

Decorate Workshop by Holly Becker

Zen Under Fire by Marianne Elliott

Crazy Sexy Kitchen by Kris Carr

Inner Excavation by Liz Lamoreux

The Life Organiser by Jennifer Louden

Desire to Inspire by Christine Mason Miller

The Beauty of Different by Karen Walrond

A Field Guide to Now by Christina Rosalie

Your Other Names by Tara Mohr

This I Know by Yours Truly

My Heart Wanders by Pia Jane Bijkerk

Life is a Verb by Patti Digh

UPDATED! We have FIVE extra books!!

Instant Love by Jen Altman, Amanda Gilligan and Yours Truly

The Creative Entrepreneur by Lisa Sonora Beam

You Can Buy Happiness (and it’s Cheap) by Tammy Strobel

The Inside of Out by Jena Strong

Photographing Your Children by Jen Altman

How to play!

You can enter up to four times in the following ways:

1. Leave a comment telling us your favourite book from childhood

2. Pin the giveaway image with a link to this post (leave a second comment saying you’ve pinned)

3. Tweet it out (leave a third comment saying you’ve tweeted the post)

4. Share this post on Facebook (leave a fourth comment saying you’ve Facebooked)

Comments will close on Monday June 10th at 11pm BST and I’ll announce the 22 27 winners on Tuesday June 11th

Winners will be drawn at random — I’ll draw the bookbomb winner first

Good luck! xo

** UPDATE: comments are now closed — winners announced over here x

Ps. The majority of the books will be sent out by the authors themselves and the word on the street is they intend to include extras in the package… just sayin’ x

Something for the weekend

susannah — Fri, 31 May 2013 12:19:39 PDT

[video] Patti Smith “I’ve spent over half my life reading”

Beautiful wooden spoons

Florence Welch’s home

[video] Art is a memory

What’s inside our going out bags

The growing power of women in business

Love these string lights | and these keycals

Mojito jello shots | charred asparagus with gremolata & burrata | roasted apricot breakfast

Top 20 ultimate ways to use a disposable camera

Edible flowers

[video] Convos with my 2-year-old

And finally, there’s something special happening on Monday:

Panning for gold

susannah — Wed, 29 May 2013 06:47:59 PDT

I’ve joined a couple of dating sites. It’s been a year since my last (rather botched) attempt at online dating, and while it isn’t my first choice of how I’d like to meet the right guy, it’s my signal to the universe that i’m open to moving into the next stage of my life. You’ve got to be in it to win it, right?

Of course, lately I’ve been feeling increasingly content with how things are. I’m in love with my little flat and so happy I made the move to this part of London. Work is bubbling along, and I’ve got some big plans for 2014 that I feel ready to tackle. I see my friends and family enough to feel connected and loved but not so much as to feel overwhelmed — i’m happiest in my own company, and more importantly, I’m okay with that! I’ve been having actual conversations in my journal about whether I really want to “give up” all this calm contentment for the potential rollercoaster of a relationship. But the wiser more evolved part of me knows that there’s so much more I could learn about myself in relationship to/with another. That being on my own for the last eight years has been the most empowering period of my life, and now it’s time to see what other magic can be made walking the path alongside another person.

The naughtier less evolved side of me knows that when i’m lying in bed alongside my beloved after not a single wink of sleep all night, I’ll be smiling and thinking “giving up” the calm contentment was totally worth it. This girl cannot survive on bread and water for another eight years, let’s put it that way ;-)

So I’ve pinned the available sign on my door and so far it’s been what I was expecting. Several messages from twentysomething guys asking if i’m up for “a bit of fun”. A handful of messages from gentlemen who were clearly absent the day they taught punctuation and spelling at school (no judgement there, just the acknowledgement that these things matter to me). A note from a man who seemed polite in his message but upon reading his profile i discovered he was The Angriest Man in the World. I’ve read profiles written by married men openly admitting they are looking for affairs. There was a guy fishing for a BDSM partner. A cross dresser. And several rugby team’s worth of blokes who have “a good sense of humour”, like to eat out at restaurants and whose favourite film is The Shawshank Redemption.

I’ve also had a peek at some of the ladies in my age group — interestingly, i thought all of them looked lovely. I could see the beauty in every single photo I saw. We girls certainly know how to a) pick a nice photo and b) make the best of ourselves (the majority of the boys, however, look like serial killers. What is it with blokes and photos? Just ask a female friend to take a few snaps!) I’m happy to report that I didn’t feel any competition with the women on the site — it was just reassuring to see i’m not the only single 40-year-old out there. Part of me actually wanted to write to them and suggest they check out some of the nicer guys I’ve spotted. I think I may have missed my calling as a matchmaker.

It’s far too early to know if this is going to be a successful mission and I know I’m going to have to pan through a lot of silt to find the gold, so I’ve signed up for six months with the intention of staying open and not taking it too seriously. The right guy for me might not be on the site(s) yet. In fact, he may never be and we’ll bump into each other outside my local supermarket. Who knows? What I do know is so many of my friends have found love this way it would be silly not to at least give it another try.

There’ll definitely be a few more dating posts in the future as frankly, some of the messages i’m getting are just too hilarious not to share :)

Something for the weekend

susannah — Sat, 25 May 2013 02:09:19 PDT

[video] How to dance properly

Why being single is completely awesome

A guide to storing fruits and vegetables

Xanthe’s new course looks amazing!

Homemade ketchup | green goddess dressing | another quinoa salad

Honeyfugle. Ginglyform. Goluptious. Lexican

The people you meet at McDonald’s

Fascinating New York + London double exposures

[video] Fart by Chelsea Coreen

Positive procrastination

The Hay House summit starts June 1st and is free

[video] I love Jane Fonda even more after watching her on The Conversation

I am, and will always be, a feminist

[video] Washi tape heaven

Grandmothers and their food

Happy weekend, loves! xo