In Love with Keisha

Relationship Counseling – Why Wait?

Keisha — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:10:47 +0000

Last week my husband and I went to see our marriage therapist , and we’ve been seeing her 15 out of our 16 year marriage. On average, we see her 2 to 3 times a year. There have been some years that we had to see her 6 months straight because we were going through some things. I believe she is one of the reasons that our marriage continues to strengthen. It is not that she is so incredibly talented, it is because when there is a snag in our relationship we don’t hesitate to seek assistance. It has proven to be a safe place to yell, curse, cry, console and work on our marriage. There’s no shame involved and I am happy to tell anyone I meet.

Why Wait?

I see so many couples that wait too long before they seek the assistance of a therapist. Counseling should not be the last effort that you make on your relationship. It should be the first! Remember

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, therapists are not magical and are most effective when both parties are still emotionally connected to each other and the relationship.

Does Your Marriage Affect Your Parenting?

Keisha — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:44:27 +0000

In a nutshell … YES! During this past week, I had two new teenage clients come in. This is nothing new, I work with teenagers all of the time. I really love working with teens because they can be so open and raw. What truly troubles me are when the parents come in that want help for their children but are unwilling to take a look at themselves or their relationships. They just want me to fix their kid and blame everybody else for their problems.

That is why I am on my soapbox today to tell parents that troubled kids are not raised in a vacuum. Children don’t magically come home with problems. Usually their problems start at home… Yes, at home!!

The primary relationship in the home is where everything begins. You are the model for happiness, problem solving, communication, resiliency and a host of other strengthening characteristics that children need as they grow up. Your relationship matters to your children. It might never be verbalized from them, however, it does. When you ignore the problems that you are dealing with in your adult relationship; children pretty soon get the message that they can start ignoring important things in their lives also (i.e., school, being honest, poor choices in friends, saying no to drugs/alcohol). Children can also exhibit a lack of motivation, difficulty concentrating, lack focus, poor self image, low self-esteem, difficulty making friends or keeping them.

Parent: “The kids have no idea we are not happy!”

Myth: My Kid(s) Have No Idea That Our Marriage Is Failing/ Or I Am Miserable

Don’t fool yourself! They might not know the details but children are the masters of non-verbal communication. When there is pain in your home

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, best believe everybody feels it.

Parent: “It would take too long to fix all of the problems in our home, we just need you to work on our son and see if he is using drugs!.”

Myth: It Will Take Too Long To Fix My Marriage

It can take less than 15 minutes a day to transform your marriage. And it will take another 15 minutes a day to work on your family transformation. The beauty in this arrangement is that the second 15 minutes will have miraculous results because you will be working as a loving parenting team.

A great relationship doesn’t guarantee successful parenting results but it sure does lay a hell of a foundation! Many Blessings!

Dating After A Breakup

Keisha — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 13:51:44 +0000

My really good friend has recently separated from her husband and she is now facing the dating universe, and she is not alone. So many people I know and am working with in my practice are struggling with getting back on the saddle. So, I wanted to dedicate some time on the subject.

There are many ways to get back on to the dating scene, such as, Internet sites, bar, club, matchmaking services, personal ads, hook-ups by friends and a few others. All of these avenues have the potential to work and get you a date. However, before you start dating I think you should start off with asking yourself a few questions.

What do I want?

Are you interested in just casually dating or do you want to get married? Some people are looking for just a sexual partner with no entanglements, some want a long term committed relationship or companion. When you can decide what kind of relationship you are looking for, you are then better equipped to go out into the dating world and find someone who has similar goals.

What type of partner am I looking for?

You need to know what type of person you want to spend time with. Write down all of the qualities that you would like to have in your mate. Pay special attention to their internal characteristics

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, and not just physical attributes. Don’t be surprised if you write down some of the good qualities that your ex-partner possessed.

Who do I want to be?

Figure out what type of mate you want to be. You need to figure out what happened in your previous relationship and why it didn’t work. What part did you play in it? This requires taking a relationship inventory of yourself. Am I selfish in my relationships, do I work too much or too little? Do I hold back or do I have unrealistic expectations of my mate or about certain relationship roles? Once you have figured that out… make a commitment to yourself to do it differently. If you can learn from past mistakes and not repeat them you are paving the way for better relationships.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the only way to move on. Heal your heart by letting go of the hurt and disappointments of past relationships, and staying focused on the present.

Therapy can help if you get stuck. A therapist can help you in 5 sessions or less on doing a relationship inventory and opening the path of forgiveness.

Subscribe to In Love with Keisha … we will be exploring the dating world for the entire month of October. Tell your friends , and share on FaceBook.

How To Be Married And Happy! (Part 2)

Keisha — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:17:09 +0000

“Where your treasure is (invested) is the place you will most want to be” (Matthew 6:21) The Message Bible

“Feeling” is the Fruit, “Doing” is the root

The basis of marriage is love but that is not the whole picture. Everything boils down to choices. Your will is where it all begins. When I think of my marriage I think of home. It is my pot of soil that allows me to grow and I take good care of it. (Most of the time )

I see marriage as the greatest vehicle for growth. When we live with and love imperfect people, we mature, master acceptance and embrace gratitude and contentment. Marital growth will take place when we are willing, mindful, and make it a priority.

Be Willing

Are you willing … ? It is one of the first questions I ask when working with couples. For example: Are you willing to recommit to the marriage? Are you willing to end that physical or emotional relationship out of the marriage? Are you willing to put your cell phone down at dinner? Are you willing to invest your time and energy into your relationship without expectation? Are you willing to change?Marriage requires willingness. Yes, that means there is a lot of work. Your human relationships deserve more of you. Even a dead love will live again when you invest in it.

Be Mindful

Being mindful really means staying focused on your present moment. Do not fall into the trap of waiting until the perfect moment. Tell your partner how you feel about them… often! Be mindful in your communication. Check in with your spouse and talk with them about more than the logistics of life (taking care of the children, house, parents, etc.) Communicate about what is real for you and them. Spend meaningful time together. Carve out alone time for the couple and marriage. Time is the best way to stay mindful. When you are enjoying your spouse, creating memories and connecting with them … it is a lot easier to be mindful of the needs of your spouse and the marriage.

Prioritize the Marriage

The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after. When you and your partner know that you both place top on each other’s priority list, it is easier to relax and trust in the relationship. With that type of safety and security in your marriage there’s no stopping your individual and marital growth potential. Plus , the spillover effect will benefit all of your other relationships (children, parents, work, and play). Everyone benefits from your happy marriage!

We are going to switch gears and focus on DATING in October! Please tell all your single friends to subscribe to my blog and Like me on Facebook. If you have a question… go to Ask Keisha and submit. I will be addressing all your questions and comments.

Thank you for supporting In Love… With Keisha!

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He’s Just Not That Into You!

Keisha — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 13:55:40 +0000

Not every relationship that you encounter is for YOU. I remember watching Oprah one day, probably during one of my all day catch up on Oprah marathon Sundays, and they were talking about the book with the same title as this blog post. It was revolutionary for me. Do you know how much time and energy I wasted on guys that weren’t into me?!?!? Tons of time and energy! No, too much time and energy! What I realized then was that I was not alone, but I was also so excited for all the women out there who are not going to spend another day wasting their energy on someone who’s NOT into them! Of course, It’s not only women who experience this so this post is for men also!

I really felt led to talk about this today because I am encountering more and more people who are in the wrong relationships. They are tied up in knots because the person they are with are not treating them well, not valuing them, just NOT relationship material. And what do they do… they internalize these actions as rejection.

Let Them De-Cloak

All relationships have a honeymoon period. As a good friend of mine likes to say

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, “In the beginning… They smell good, they look good, they feel good.” We all put our best foot forward when we meet someone new. However, over time we will all de-cloak. What I mean by that is, we all eventually will start to feel comfortable and want to settle in and take our coat off and stay for awhile. The person they are when they are comfortable , is typically the person we are in this relationship with for the long haul.

You’re Not Magical … So, Stop Waving Your Wand!

Yes, people do evolve and they change. However, I don’t care how amazing you are, if your partner’s inner thermometer doesn’t prompt them to be the best person they need to be in and out of the relationship they will not show up in the relationship as the partner you desire. Change is always an internal process. You cannot make them change. So, they can be really great people and show you glimmers of hope, especially in the beginning. When they are not relationship worthy, you will receive these messages:

“I don’t really like you that much.”

“I don’t like to show affection.”

“I only text, I don’t really like to talk on the phone.”

“I don’t really have time to go out.”

“I don’t really have time for a relationship.”

Trust your instincts and believe what they are telling you and showing you. Do not ignore the signs. If it looks like a snake, sounds like a snake, and it feels like a snake … Honey, it is a snake!

Don’t Block Your Blessings

When I started to let go of those people that really weren’t for me, it made room for my husband. The right relationship is available to everybody. Have the courage to say no to the relationships that don’t serve you and be ready for that person that is really into YOU!

Relationship Quick Tip: The Power of Touch

Keisha — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 12:30:44 +0000

Touch is a powerful communication tool that is free to give. The more genuine and loving you are in your touch the more open you are to giving and receiving love.

Touch your mate , touch your children, touch your neighbor. Don’t wait … It’s imperative now! Someone needs it

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, and you are the right person for the job!

How To Be Married And Happy!

Keisha — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:22:58 +0000

How To Be Married and Happy (Part 1)

“Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God’s gift.” Ecclesiastes 9:9 (The Message Bible)

Marriage and Happiness Starts with Self-Examination

As a marriage therapist and relationship coach, when a couple comes in to work on their relationship they are usually focused on what their spouse is doing wrong. The interesting thing is that both people are aware that they are doing things that are damaging to the relationship, however, their focus is typically not on themselves. Why is that?

Re-Examine Your Thinking

Do you expect your partner to be perfect? Of course not, you would probably say!However, I want you to take a moment before answering. Do you spend more time paying attention to your spouse’s faults or their beauty? Everybody knows that they married people with flaws, but for some reason we don’t want to be reminded of them. We are all works in progress

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, and happiness is about coming to terms with that. When you look at your spouse so critically, you have essentially stopped loving them and started judging them. Marriage was meant to be a safe place to grow!

Do you expect your mate to make you happy? If so, that expectation is unrealistic and unattainable. Don’t set your partner up for failure! That is not their responsibility. Happiness is an internal process. If you find yourself unhappy in your relationship, take a look at yourself. Are you working hard at being the person you want to be. If not, is that the real source of those feelings of unhappiness?

The flip side of that is, don’t get stuck trying to make your spouse happy. Remember being loving is different than making someone happy. The first is a choice, the second is sabotage. When you spend all of your energy trying to please someone in an attempt to make them happy, you typically lose yourself and will not get the results you desire. (I will talk more about the pleasing pitfall in a future post)

For Marriage Happiness … Work On Yourself In These Vulnerable Areas:

Finances

Practice Generosity
Practice Delayed Gratification
Practice Fiscal Discipline
Find Joyful Work/Career

Personal Appearance

Always try to look your best, but accept unchangeable features – yours and your spouse’s.
Accept aging as a gift and beautiful!

Lifestyle

Accept comfort and contentment and don’t fall into materialism and pride.
Always pursue personal growth.

Courtesy

Be Kind
Be Considerate
Be a Team Player
Be a Thoughtful Lover
Support Your Spouse
Don’t Get Stuck In Roles – Be flexible in your thinking.

What do you think are the keys to marriage & happiness? I would love to hear what you think!

Relationship Quick Tip: Love People With Words That Build

Keisha — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 14:49:38 +0000

“Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword , but wisely spoken words can heal.” Proverbs 12:18 (TEV)

THINK When You Speak…

Truthful Helpful Inspirational Necessary Kind

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Love Him Anyway

Keisha — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 14:42:52 +0000

I wasn’t really digging my husband this weekend. We just weren’t getting along, everything he did was just getting on my nerves (I’m sure he felt the same way). Because I was feeling that way I wasn’t feeling my normal lovey dovey self. So, not as many touches, kisses, honeys, or I love yous! I didn’t feel very good about that but that is how I was feeling.

Every morning that we are not together, which is typically 4 out of 7 mornings a week. My husband will send a good morning text, he’ll send it first since he gets up earlier, I will read and respond a couple of hours later. Of course, some mornings are better than others. This morning he sent me an average text, and my first instinct was to send a lackadaisical response without putting much thought into it, but instead I paused for a second and thought about what I really wanted to say. So, I took the time to say something loving and love my man back

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, even though I wasn’t feeling loving.

Lesson 1: Love Him Anyway

Love is a Verb… an action word! Be loving and you will feel love! The more I held back, the worst I was going to feel about him and over time those feelings fester and create bad relationships.

Lesson 2: Don’t Let Unloving Feelings Take Over Your Relationship

You are in control over those feelings.

Lesson 3: Talk About It

Tonight I plan on sitting down with him and just tell him what is bugging me. I just realized that there is something bugging me that I haven’t been talking about. It is unfair to just hold on to resentment without giving your partner the opportunity to work through it with you.

Lesson 4: Instead of Complaining , Make A Request

We all deserve great relationships!

Welcome to In Love with Keisha!

Keisha — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 17:09:15 +0000

(My first blog post!!! Yay!!!) Obviously, you are not in love with me … yet! My intention for this blog and podcast is to explore all of our love relationships and learn to make them better. We all deserve to have great relationships, and you are no exception! Since I love, love, love everything dealing with love and relationships, I am so excited about doing this!

Love Is???

Let’s start here… I want to know what Love Is. It is what most of my couples are struggling with. In my office, I ask clients in crisis, do you love your partner? I usually get a yes, but. Or, I love them but I’m not in love anymore. Or, I don’t know how I feel.

The next question that I ask is, are you loving them?

Most, will look at me funny and then proceed to answer the question pretty much the same. With tons of excuses as to why they don’t feel the same way that they used to, and this is why they are not actively loving their mate. This immediately tells me that they prescribe to the shallow definition of love.

The shallow definition is: Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. This definition is shallow because it only describes just a small piece of the puzzle. It just describes the feeling part. Don’t get me wrong, these are wonderful and magnificent feelings. However, these feelings can be fleeting and love is not fleeting.

Love is more than a feeling.

I believe that when we categorize love as just a feeling then we have minimized its extraordinary power. And the best way to describe its power is by simply stating that God is Love. When we think of it in those terms we must take a closer and deeper look at it and learn to appreciate its extreme power in our lives.

My favorite definition of love is:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

According to other spiritual belief systems, love is looked at quite similarly.

According to the Kaballah (Jewish Mysticism): Love is the ultimate purpose of life. Love in the hebrew language has a special meaning. Love in Hebrew is “Ahava” and the meaning of the root word is “to give”. The word in its entirety breaks down to I give love. Love is giving.

The definition of love in Buddhism is wanting others to be happy.

So, think about the spiritual definitions of love as your barometer. Loving someone is an unselfish act. If we live accordingly , then we have truly loved and when people are loved fully they are able to return that type of love in kind.

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach
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, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Define love …. what is your definition? ( I would like to hear from you!)