This post features R&B star Trey Songz (pictured above)  whose song ‘Infidelity’ inspired this article.  Press play to take a look-see.

Infidelity is one of the songs on the fantastic (I kid you not) mixtape entitled ANTICIPATION that Trey Songz has released for fans and newcomers alike.  Its purpose is to prepare them for his next album release READY due to be released August 2009. Naturally, since I’m so enchanted by it all (I am *such* a sucker for the super smooth vocal acrobatics and the heart wrenching harmonies. What do you want from me??), I’m more than happy to share it with you! Parental Discretion IS advised . CLICK ON THIS LINK or the banner on the right side of the screen to download your copy of ANTICIPATION. And my loves, you sure are welcome!

Onto the topic of Infidelity-

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If you have ever cared for someone rather deeply or even been in love and experienced some form of romantic betrayal, you already know that words fail to portray the kind of hurt that engulfs your being.  It is often more than the act itself – although I will never pretend that there aren’t some doozies out there when it comes to Tales of the Unfaithful.  More than the act itself is the challenge within yourself that you must face.  For many, being the victim of infidelity brings rise to a lot of self doubt and questioning.  ”Did he ever truly love me?” “I thought I knew him better than this” “What did I do wrong?” and so forth.

The thing about the topic of cheating is there are often so many variables in each individual situation.  I won’t attempt to tackle the “who deserves what” or the “whys” but rather the HOW. HOW to deal with it.  Now, these are only suggestions and most likely ‘just words’ if you’ve stumbled upon this article because it just happened to you.  However I encourage you to keep an open mind.  Allow it to sink in.  Regardless of what you think is true for now, you do have the power to adapt and to grow – even through something so unthinkable.  And I encourage those of you with more suggestions about coping to leave them in the comment section.

"You kept me on this pedestal no matter how much I let you down 

with all my infidelity you love me so incredibly 

inside I'd fall apart if you ever love someone instead of me"

                                                                 Infidelity  -Trey Songz

A World of Hurt

I’ve been there – have you?  Finding out that someone you trusted with all your heart had gone off and in his philandering, slipped up in some way and you find out.  Or sometimes a direct confession happens.  However you find out, it isn’t pretty.  Betrayal in any capacity is so hurtful that we even have a legal “out” for it say you don’t .. respond so well in the moment of your shock (crimes of passion anyone?)

It hurts so much that more than an explanation, you want your loved one to hurry up and fix it. FIX IT with a ridiculously good explanation that you can swallow to stifle the rawness of your pain.  It starts to suck even more when you quickly realize that he can’t fix it.  There is no good explanation.  If the cover story is so lame, you’re insulted he didn’t put more effort into it, thats a jab.  If your demands for THE TRUTH bring you “I don’t knows” and/or “I’ve been feeling like..”, its another jab.  It’s not enough. As someone who is very big on the WHY’S of such situation, I can speak (trumpet) for myself that The Truth just isn’t enough.  So what now?  What are you supposed to do with yourself?  In your mind, this ..this person.. who you love and who has hurt you has done a number on you. Past the cheating, you’re expected to live with and through this, make some big decisions, and deal with yourself whether you like it or not.

Should You Stay, Or Should You Go?

I will use the first line in this section to say – I don’t have the answer to that.  What I will say is in your commitment to each other and your sense of self are strong indicators that are to point you to what is right for you.  In my opinion, the situation is a relentlessly painful one.  Regardless of what you choose to do, the pain is something you will have to work through. What you are looking for is peace within your decision and with yourself which may not be immediate, but comes into fruition with time.  If you say that you forgive your loved one, is it because you truly want to forgive him and work on your relationship? Or is it because you secretly don’t want to be alone, or you think you can’t do better and will be forced into the life of singledom til the day you die?  Forgiveness has its place and it is possible to forgive someone whether you choose to stay in a relationship or not.  But do be mindful – someone has been dishonest with you already – please do not be dishonest with yourself. It is your job to love yourself enough to look at the facts.  If your sole reasoning to stay with someone who is a chonic or callous cheater is because you don’t want to be alone, I’m afraid you already are alone and you’re perpetuating more reasons to feel betrayed. Not by him..but by yourself.  At some point, you hit a wall where you’re looking at yourself and your life and you don’t know how you got there. We often hit that point – but it’s no walk in the park when you realize its because you allowed yourself to fester so.

What Your Friends Have to Say About This

Any of you like this?  I remember at some point of a toxic relationship I was involved with in the past, I had concluded that all the bad things the Ex would do to me, I would keep it from my friends.  Why?  Because besides the fact that I wasn’t genuinely prepared to leave him for the atrocities, I didn’t want them not liking him.  See, friends are loyal. They stay on task and they aren’t so close to the situation that they are blinded by sweet nothings and empty apologies. No sir.  If you told your friend that your schnookums punched you in the knee and spent the last 3 night out, you better believe they will still be on it way after he brought you flowers and puppy dog eyes.  You in your secret relief are thrilled that he still cares enough to try.  You never consider that this individual might be co-dependent or just plain unhealthy for you. Your friends however, hearing all the negativity can string together a sequence in their recounting that “sounds worse than it really is”.  If they are your true friends, they won’t abandon you for going back to him (as hard as it might be for some) but rather point out the obvious whether you want to hear it or not.  Say what you will – but if your confidant(s) are so thoroughly convinced that you are enraptured with the devil himself, you have something to think about.  Maybe you only speak about him when he does something hurtful.  Maybe their just jealous. Maybe you should keep your love life private.  Or maybe you are enraptured with the devil himself.  People who genuinely love you want nothing but the best for you.  They want to protect you.  This isn’t a recommendation to move out of the country after you leave your next comment.  If anything, its a guideline.  When an effective moment of self reflection seems too difficult to execute because you’re so taken by this person, your closest friends and family are great clues – excellent indicators to warn you that something is wrong.  What I’m saying It may seem obvious to someone who isn’t currently in this postition but my word, it truly is a eureka moment for someone who is.  When love is involved, “obvious” just isn’t that obvious.

Turning a Blind Eye

Children. Financial Reasons. Fear. Denial.  All seemingly legit reasons to pretend it never happened.  Oh, the “It Never Happened”.  I know it well.  It’s supposed to help you stiffen your upper lip, slip on your stillettos, and keep it moving like the woman warrior that you are.  And you don’t realize that it chips at your sense of self . It also builds a wall that prevents you from keeping in touch with the person that you are. Emotional issues are serious.  It is almost as though you atrophy the part of your heart that allows you to indulge in the richness of love and life because you have to spend all of your energy to pretend that something that isn’t working IS.

What I would say is this.  Your personal values are important.  What matters to you?  Take a look at the top of your list on what’s truly important to you to see where you stand.

"She mad at facts, and you can't be mad at that.. you can't be mad at that"

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

The flip side to ending a relationship in which you’ve been cheated on is actually deciding to stay and work on it.  One of the things about love is the amount of tenacity and will it permits us to have even through something like this.  The nature of your pain comes from the fact that you love this person in the first place.  Of course you want that love to be reciprocated and you want the loyalty.  If you feel that despite the circumstances, you’d like to rebuild your relationship with your loved one, here are some important points to keep in mind

• Truly forgiving someone means you won’t utilize the betrayal as ammunition every time you fight:  You’re angry and have a right to be.  Wanting to forgive your partner is a step in teh right direction however time is critical.  I wish we could simple dictate to our emotions what it is and what it isn’t.  However since it doesn’t work that way, it may be more effective to let your partner know that you are working through your feelings on the matter and wish to find a way to get on the path of forgiveness.  That way, when you do get to the point where you are ready to put it behind you, you are being genuine – and that is a wonderful building block that you two can use towards the way back up.
• Get counseling: I cannot stress this enough.  If you have the means to, a therapist can help you through the ugliest of ugly in relationship wars.  It’s neutral ground with an objective opinion where the goal is reconciliation.  A professional whose position is to help you help yourselves is an asset, not a waste of money or time.  When it comes to love, you do what you have to if you really seek to keep it.
• Real Talking, Real Honesty:  Lack of honesty got you both here.  Honesty will help you get back out.  When you two are at a point where the cannons are put away, intimate and truthful conversations are helpful.  This is where the WHY comes out (other than therapy).  What are the problems that led up to this point?  You may know some really insightful people but who better to get the truth from than your loved one?  If you both consent to reconciliation, you both consent to a raw and vulnerable position where dishonesty has no place.  You aren’t “saving” anyone from anything with more lies – and this goes for both parties.  Why?  Because the goal is to regain a level of trust.  It will take some time – it really will – but this is a way to start getting it back.
• TIME: I keep saying it because it’s that much of a component.  Even with the best intentions at hand, its simply denial if you claim you’re over it when you’re not.  The truth is you never forget- not really. Being passive aggressive won’t really help your cause either.  Bursting with a sudden urge for revenge (which I highly recommend you NOT do) because you repressed and repressed.. it can’t possibly be good for your state of mind.  I’ll admit it really takes gall to step back and find a way to deal with this.  But in the name of your happiness, I encourage you to keep this in mind –  you will make it through. Maybe not this very moment. But you will.

Infidelity isn’t pretty in marriages or otherwise.  Some might even say it is to be expected by either man OR woman.  Expected or not, it isn’t a pleasant experience but strength you didn’t know you even had is a beautiful thing – and so is love despite it all.

Have you ever been cheated on?  How did you deal?

Relationships have many fine points. The love and companionship, the intimacy, and the inside jokes all become part of that force that attaches you to someone. There may be many bad times as well but often times the good seems to outweigh the bad. Maybe you’ve even experienced a whole lot of bad but the little bits of good just feel SO good that you wait it out and hope change will bring with it a more consistent stream of better times.

Have you ever been trapped in that waiting period? Would you even know if you were?

There are many clues that can alert you to the stagnancy that we may be too blind in love to see. Sometimes the fear of loneliness or the unknown is more than enough to keep you in. Take those fears, throw in a healthy dose of denial and you’ve got yourself a situation. Without even knowing it, you may begin to change while hoping for change. Sometimes those changes within yourself are not for the better, but for the worse – you begin to disappear in the name of your relationship.

Many of us do all types of things in the name of love. But if you’re losing your sense of self, is it really love that you’re fighting for?

Signs: Have You Seen Her?

Hearing any gripes from family or friends about how much you’ve changed? Think they’re crazy? After all, they don’t REALLY know, right? Only you know the intricacies of your relationship. Only you know if that argument you told them about last week was actually the lighter one of the last three *really* bad ones. Only you know how well you are at handling it so you’re not that worried.

This part gets tricky for some because its easy to alienate those who know you best when it feels like they are against you and your relationship. If you are able to bear in mind the fact that at the end of the day, its your decision what you do or don’t do in love, maybe really listening to what your loved ones have to say isn’t such a horrible idea.

Too Close To See It

When emotions run rampant and you’re too close to the fire to see where it’s coming from, logic doesn’t always kick in.  Let’s face it.   When you love someone very deeply, even if you’re crying more than you’re smiling, comments like “At least I KNOW the bad drama with him…If I leave, I wouldn’t know how to handle the issues” makes perfect sense to you.  Friends can insist, give pointed looks, and remind you relentlessly- for some people it doesn’t make a difference.  The bottom line is your relationship is a priority.

You know how, in hindsight, you often hear a jilted lover say something along the lines of “I didn’t see it coming – I suppose the signs were there”?  This is not only in reference to cheating – be mindful of the fact that more often than not, they are.  If it’s love that you want to nurture, you owe it to yourself to recognize what is healthy and what’s iffy.  Here are a couple of examples

It Happens: You don’t see your bff as often anymore because you’re spending more time with your partner.
Warning Sign: You don’t see your bff because he said so/all of your free time is his time/you have to hide.

It Happens: Arguments come up and so you compromise especially to keep the peace.
Warning Sign: Arguments come up and will never end unless you give up, even if it really hurts you to do so.

It Happens: You wear something because you know he’ll love it.
Warning Sign: Forget personal style.  If he wouldn’t like it, you won’t wear it, say it, think about it.

It Happens: He’s into football – you never cared for sports.  You learn so you can keep up.
Warning Sign: You never do anything you like to do anymore.  Worst yet, you become the poster child of things you abhor and disagree with to please him. Hey – he’s passionate and why lose a man over your choice of a political party?

It Happens: You don’t talk about most troubles at home to maintain privacy.
Warning Sign: You don’t get help for troubles at home because everyone keeps telling you to leave and you struggle with the fact that they have a solid point.

It Happens: His choice of career means he needs a strong support system.  You make some sacrifices – he would do the same for you!
Warning Sign: Your choice of career doesn’t matter anymore so there’s no point in pursuing your interests.

It Happens: You have an important decision to make and affects the both of you so of course, you call him and discuss it.
Warning Sign: You feel wrong if you didn’t run something pass him – and by something, I mean everything.

The Caveat

Losing yourself in a relationship:

• It can be very easy to do especially if you feel in order to keep someone happy and in love, you need to give as much of yourself as humanly possible to someone who doesn’t/won’t give that kind of dedication back.
• The fear of not being enough causes some people to go above and beyond their own comfort zones.  This includes values, beliefs, and financial contributions.
• Physical, verbal, emotional abuse – all unacceptable.  Logically, you know this but a certain sense of self erodes the longer this cycle continues.  Have you ever muttered the words “I deserved it this time because I made him mad – I knew not to…”  It’s possibly for someone to forget that they deserve to be treated better than that when this is what they know.
• Sometimes manipulation can be quiet and subtle.  Until you believe you’re important enough to deserve better, his approval may be all that matters in life.
• You might think that if you change enough for him, he might change for you.  You’re motivated by your ideals and are disappointed with the outcome.  You might see a sliver of success through conversation only to be disappointed again next week.  So you pull the trigger again and change a little bit more.  As you wait for his change, you inch further and further away from the woman you used to be until you can’t see her anymore.  And neither can he.

It’s a misconception if you honestly believe that you have to give up yourself in order to be with him.  Hopefully you are part of a healthy relationship with a great guy where there is room for you!  If there truly isn’t any, you’re not in a relationship.  The avatar of the woman that’s supposed to be you is.  You are then essentially robbing yourself of the right to love and respect from a partner AND from yourself.  Tragic.

Loving Both You and Him

With the cornerstones of a happy, healthy relationship being communication and compromise, there is nothing wrong with loving with a whole heart.  There is beauty in selflessness however that does not mean you lose your sense of self.  In order to nurture your own self love, you can utilize a couple of the following suggestions:

Find Your Friends: They love you as is.  They always have.  Good ones will still exist even if you’ve been ‘gone’ for a while.  Don’t underestimate the power of a good girlfriend.  Laughter, perspective, understanding – these are all perks available to you.

Your Independence: You don’t need to ditch him to exercise some independence.  Is your career or education on hold?  Did they take a backseat?  Is there are hobby you wish you could try?  Even if you insist on taking baby steps, get out there and take a hold of something that benefits YOU.  Try your hand on something that requires YOUR initiative and YOUR time.  And no, don’t opt out because it means you have to come home late once in a while.  Besides – absence makes a heart grow fonder.  Really – it does.

Fight the Good Fight: I’m not suggesting you become a gladiator and turn your home into a war zone.  Instead, I would say pick your battles.  Staying mum about something that really hurts you isn’t really keeping the peace if your resentment is growing exponentially.  Keeping in mind that it’s give and take, remember that it’s ok to take.  Speak up and let him know what matters to you.  Mutual respect is very necessary in a healthy relationship and if speaking up will cost you your man, you’ve never had him to begin with.

Me, Me, Me: Miss him a little.  Go stretch out on the grass at the park or hit the spa.  Do things that you love that he’d roll his eyes to.  Watch your chick flick.  Indulge in the goodness that is all you.  If you haven’t done it in a while, you might be at a loss.  But you’ve got to start somewhere.  You may be surprised how much good it will do for your relationship when you become an entity of your own.

Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

At the end of the day, the greatest fear for some might be loving someone who doesn’t love them back the same way, if at all.  While some people suffer because they never get the object of their affection, others do by remaining in a relationship where they hope to change things by attempting to become whoever he wants.

Although this article I’ve written – Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back – touches upon this painful experience, I must say here that as frightening and as painful as it may be, you’re hurting yourself more by giving up your chance at happiness by belittling the woman that you are.  A nice word here or there, or praise for doing something well is not the same as being loved and cared for.  It may feel soothing to hang on for the next instance of attention .. but what you’re looking for does not come from rewards for service.  It comes from love.

If there is anything in this world that you can do, you can give yourself the greatest act of love by holding on to the woman that you are.  Single or attached, she still matters – and being attached to someone who loves you for the person you really are is an exhilarating, wonderful feeling.

If you must do one thing in the name of love, hold on to the woman who is doing the loving in the first place.  Don’t be fooled.  It’s never too late.   Seek and ye shall find .. you.

Photo by:  mikem1115

As I bring the very special Life Coach series to a close, I wanted to bring to you some tools/suggestions Tim provided me with to use on my own. Talking to Tim was like putting glasses on. Things were so clear!

Of course, using them on my own has been a great help to me and Tim’s just an email away So without further ado, here are some things that really helped me and I highly recommend you try out for yourself. And who knows, maybe you might want to give him a call.

It’s All In the Way You Look At It

I knew I was catching on with my new way of thinking today on my way from the supermarket. All it took was a glance at my grocery bill to begin thinking “And there goes another chunk of my life savings..what else do I need to pay for? Aw great” and so forth. As I got into my car I realized I was tense, teeth clenched, and upset. Why?
I realized that it was all in the way I looked at it. The positive spin to the very same event was that I had all the healthy foods I needed on hand (AND some spiffy food savers!) to continue moving forward towards my goal to be fit. I instantly felt better. I kid you not.

Tim told me that taking a negative thought and placing a positive connotation to it instead was called reframing. You might think its all mind games. Well good. As long as you decide to play, you’ll find yourself feeling better and much more capable of dealing with the situation at hand as opposed to being trapped in the grips of negativity.

What is the positive spin to the thought that’s eating you right now?
Often times you may realize that the assault on your blood pressure isn’t even necessary.

In my personal experience, it took some paying attention to pull this off. I would forget about reframing while I was upset. But the more I did it, the quicker I would recall the advantages of reframing and give it a shot. Negative thoughts are quick to come. For many of us, they are on automatic and so reframing requires a higher level of consciousness. You’ll be paying more attention to your moods and your thoughts which, inadverdently, makes you more self aware – which takes me to the next tool.

Pay Attention

Tim would often suggest that I take a step back and observe my feelings. How does one do that?
When I thought about it, here’s what I would do when I wasn’t paying attention to my thoughts. I’d get anxious about something because the results were not within my control. The longer I had to wait, the more upset I would get. THEN I would get upset at myself for allowing something out of my control upset me. It wasn’t a lovely cycle.

Taking a step back meant that I notice that I’m anxious and allow that feeling to just be. Doing that meant I couldn’t attack myself with another barrocade of negative thoughts because I wasn’t forcing myself to be upset (or happy). No judging. No attempt at change. Just awareness.

Who woulda thunk it?

Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Days

Its the perfect excuse to revel in your own misery. Bad incidents that happen – from stubbing your toe, to running late, to ripping your skirt and breaking a heel. You might not even notice that you’re lengthening your agony long after the day is over because you’re upset about what happened before.

When we talked about the small misfortunes that can reroute the tone of your day, Tim’s response was “What can I learn from this?”

I was taken aback at first. What can I learn from someone nearly running me over as I cross the street? That wasn’t my fault!

Sure it isn’t but it can’t hurt me to answer the question with a smart ” Next time, look both ways”

Since your subjective experience all originates from your thoughts and perception, you can conspire to have a good day or a bad one. And of course, since many things are not within your control, acceptance is paramount to your peace of mind. For the things you CAN influence, learning from your mistakes is much more empowering than it feels when you make them

The Value of Your Values

When Tim asked me what my values were, I didn’t know what to tell him at first. Values? I suppose I know them. I don’t really think about them – I love my family, education’s important, I love love and so forth. But for another eye opening experience, Tim administered this a comprehensive little quiz of sorts. With the guidance of the questions, I was able to see things that were really important to me. I operate intuitively with my values in place but I never payed attention to it before.

Funny enough, Tim pointed out that the further away someone operated from their values (for instance, their career), the more unhappy they were. What’s happening is a conflict of values has come forth and until it is resolved, you’ll experience discomfort. If your job requires you to do something you don’t believe in, or a new prospect observes a very different religion/belief than you do – your happiness or unhappiness with the situation has a lot to do with your values and what you hold dear to your heart. In other words, taking stock in what really matters to you is important for the sake of your contentment.

Tim speaks in depth about this in his very valuable e-book (that I thoroughly enjoyed and refer to a lot). If you’re interested in more insight from this great Life Coach, check the e-book out and visit his blog here.

I have to say – and I told Tim this – I was doubly fortunate for this experience because the sessions just so happen to coincide with a time that I could really use the guidance because I didn’t feel capable of kicking myself in the pants and back into the groove of things. It bites when there is a gap between where you are and when you want to be and having no idea how to cross it. With these tools (and some reminders that I needed), I felt more at ease in my own skin. With the Fall semester at the University coming up, this site, and several other responsibilities that I have, a strong sense of self is so necessary.

So a very public thanks for sheer gratitude to Tim Brownson for the opportunity to work with him. Thank you Tim!

And thank you, the treasured readers of InMyHeels for taking a walk in MY heels with me through the life coaching experience. I hope you’ve found this series to helpful to you in your own journey.

Here’s to our best lives!

Photo by: geekattack

This particular post was a long time coming and its directly coincides with what I’ve been feeling as of late. I thought it would be a great to share with you one of my biggest struggles and in the event that you feel anything similar, I’d also love to share with you the wisdom that Tim has shared with me.

Somehow, I’ve cornered myself into feeling so overwhelmed that I began to stop – nearly everything. You’ve heard of the paralysis of analysis, have you not? You know, when you analyze SO much that you become afraid to move for whatever reason? Enter me, a twenty-something gal with lots of somethings on her mind. There are so many things that I wanted to take charge of and knowing that it’s a frame of mind, I decided to tackle it all. Except I didn’t know where to start. I could see the very big picture – think Google Earth of my dream world – however I couldn’t focus.

Then, the sad state of the What Ifs grew to what felt like astronomical heights. I couldn’t even bring myself to write. How frustrating – particularly because I have always found writing to be such a release!

Lucky for me, a caring Life Coach listened intently to my crisis and helped bring me back to Earth. And what’s the good of dishing advice if one can’t take a dose for herself? Turns out that no matter how many self improvement books you dedicate yourself to reading, the profound change that you seek in those books all start by taking one step at a time. Know that I am one of those who will nod “Yeah, yeah but what’s the REAL secret” to such age-old advice until I have my epiphany It DOES all start with one step and they are each quite significant; even when you think they are too small to matter.

The Big Picture

Perhaps it’s just my very nature but oh how I delight in the broad strokes and bright colors of possibilities that all contribute to The Big Picture. You know, that big goal..that dream of yours. When you realize that you have an actual shot at attainment, it’s quite exciting! It’s important to be able to be able to step back and take a look at what you’re aiming for. It inspires a direction for you to head towards. But here’s the thing. While you want to keep this picture close, you want to do more than just enjoy the view. While seeing what you want is critical, it is not the only step. After all, “I want a dream body” will not grant you abs of steel by just dreaming about it every waking moment. It grants you the inspiration you need to begin the actual work.

I found myself stuck at The Big Picture and I told Tim so. I was unbelievably overwhelmed by what I saw in The Big Picture in comparison to my current state in life. In my honest opinion, the difference was dismal. But Tim didn’t see it that way.

Perhaps the man is gifted with positive perspective (which is great, him being a Life Coach and all) because by the time our hour would be over, I would feel like my current state wasn’t as bad as I pictured it to be. The monster of a mountain that is my Big Picture wasn’t smooth and impossible to climb. Rather, looking closer, it was something I could definitely climb – I just needed to accept that I wouldn’t be at the top of it the minute I approached it. So much for that microwave-society, instant gratification thinking!

So my next question to Tim was something to the effect of “How do I start moving forward?”

Whodunnit: Learning How By Watching What Others Have Done

This piece of advice is one of my favorites and it might have a lot to do with my love of a good plan. Tim suggested that I read about the people I admired or aspired to be like. I already find people’s lives quite interesting. The funny thing about life is there is no cookie-cutter way to live it. Things happen – good AND bad but one cornerstone of the successful would be their intent on ‘making it work’ anyway. And if you think about it, you’ll see. Life can either just happen to you, or you can do your very best to play the hand you’ve been dealt. By reading about those I aspire to be like, not only do I get to witness the unique dealings of THEIR struggles, I can skip some of the hard knock lessons by learning from steps already taken in someone else’s heels. It’s a real advantage when you have serious intent on getting somewhere. Learn from others and utilize the wisdom harvested over time to spare yourself some grief and gain an idea of what to do. Every little bit counts!

Breaking It Down. Way Down.

This tip has got to be the golden turnkey that I desperately needed. I had been doing things that are comparable to walking in to a gym for the first time in your life and taking a hold of 350 lbs with every intent of hoisting it upon your back for squats. You can have every bit of determination and pure positive thinking on your side but to be effective, you need to be capable. If you are not yet capable, you can become so however you must take the steps to become so.

It is easy to be overwhelmed when you can’t see HOW it is you’re supposed to accomplish something. The stress and anxiety that comes from comparing yourself to people who seem to have it together can’t possibly help. Now throw in the auto-pilot self depreciating commentary that goes on in your mind and you have yourself a way to become stuck in life.

Breaking down a big task into smaller tasks that you are able to complete is how you get the big task done. Logically speaking, you might know this. But when you’re busy being overwhelmed, it’s super easy to forget. I wish I had a You-Tube visual of the relief that seeped in as Tim explained this to me. I was feeling like all of my small tasks were insignificant and couldn’t possibly be chipping away at my goals. Tim helped me experience the contrary by way of conversation and visualization. He told me to read this piece he wrote on his blog which perfectly summarized the need to chunk down to get things done.

Consistency – Keeping Your Eyes On the Prize

Ah. For me, this is the hard part. The magic is in the consistency. When doubt starts to creep its way back in to put a big foot in your plan, it may help to go back to your Big Picture and remind yourself where all those little tasks you are completing will ultimately take you.

Have faith in your actions towards success and don’t allow inconsistency to undermine your efforts. The stop and start again can wear on you and it can make starting again that much harder to initiate on your own. That being said, Tim pointed out something that was very important for me to keep in mind. When bad days happen and you miss a step, it isn’t catastrophic. It is not “all ruined” as I so aptly put it. You can strive for excellence and have moments that are less than perfect. The key is to not get stuck at that point – get back to it as soon as you can.

Don’t allow pristine ideas of perfection dwarf progress instead of improve it. It’s the consistent nature over time that will give you what you seek.

Meditate – The Ultimate Time Out

Last but not least, Tim suggested that I reap the benefits that come from regular meditation. My stress levels that came from NOT doing what I wanted to do (which only brought more of what I didn’t want) skyrocketed. I was constantly upset with myself and I needed some clarity. I had to laugh when Tim added that there is no ‘perfect’ way to meditate. I laughed because I had stopped meditating simply because I thought I was doing it completely wrong! I would still my mind only to get distracted by my endless to-do list that magically formed in my thoughts. I was also surprised to hear that many people did the same exact thing (One of the most awesome things I have found in speaking to a Life Coach is actual confirmation that I am not alone in my struggles. Other people experience and overcome the same things!)

I have to say – I felt like I was getting my life back when I realized that my being stuck and overwhelmed was a matter of perspective. Perhaps my crisis is a growing pain (gotta love those). The playing field widens as I grow up and want different things. I am incredibly blessed that the journey InMyHeels is not a lone one – even when it might feel that way. This blog has brought me in touch with a Life Coach at *just* the right time for exactly what I needed. It has also enriched my life with wonderful readers and caring friends who keep an eye on the steps InMyHeels takes forward.

Take this is a (( virtual hug )) to you, the reader who relates or knows where I coming from.

Being overwhelmed can be overcome. This post in itself is actual proof of such things. It is my hope that my experience and help from Tim helps you see that you can do it too.

*smile*

It feels good to be back.

Photo by: Daniel Cornejo

Have you ever felt stuck at any point in your life?

You know that you want to make positive changes, be happier, get things done, discover the exciting possibilities available to you and yet something is holding you back.

Something like perpetual doubt and negative statements informing you of your inabilities and past failures in the form of a loop that won’t stop playing in your mind.

It’s a frustrating place to be in and the longing for better things in life gnaw at you. But where do you begin? Change is uncomfortable and so even if you are already uncomfortable with the way your life is, its familiar and therefore nesting in your familiar, uncomfortable unhappiness seems to be the easier thing to do.

Curious, though.. How do you get unstuck in life? Out of a rut and into the good stuff that others seem to be enjoying?

Life Coach Tim Brownson is full of useful insights and he shared them with me – and I couldn’t be any more grateful. So forwarding the good advice along, I hope these keys are as helpful to you as they have been to me.

No Fighting with Your Feelings

The thoughts and the feelings come. It’s what they do however you can do one of two things. You can be angry/stressed/upset about your current state of mind, perhaps stoking the flames of the negative emotions into an even larger fire or you can step back and observe your feelings. To observe your emotions is to actually become aware of what’s running rampant in your mind.

What’s going on?

What is it that you’re telling yourself over and over again?

If you know what you’re working with, you can do something about it.

Tim’s lesson in this is don’t judge your feelings. The act of judging your feelings alone creates an even greater deficit. This is a simple instruction but admittedly tougher than it sounds since you’re dealing with the habit of judging your own thoughts. Which leads us into the next point.

Uh Uh! Catch Those Thoughts

Negative thought loops can be slippery little fellas that are hard to catch and here’s why. You become so used to the thoughts and the feelings that come along with them that they become ho-hum background noise in your mind. It takes a level of consciousness to catch them and change them. So here’s what you do. If you can remember to check in on your thoughts, you can grow your level of consciousness and work on them. One very useful suggestion Tim shared with me was to utilize post it notes to remind myself to check in. He also mentioned that I move them around because after a while, they too can become “background noise”. In other words, if you get really used to seeing them in their usual position, you stop paying attention. This little exercise is worth trying out because it took me a few days to realize that the reason I was falling back into a slump was because I was back in sync with my negative loop! I had forgotten to check in. So from little alerts on my cell phone to a little post-it in books that I’m reading, I make it my business to consciously change my thoughts. In my opinion, its quite a bit of leg work. But then again, so is a long continuous stream of dissatisfaction. It is my intention to be able to do this more and more without the reminders but its a great place to start.

Who Cares What People Think?

One very surprising source of stress can be the gross preoccupation with what others think of you. You may not realize it at first but if you’re constantly worried about where you are in life in comparison to your peers or what they think of what you’re doing with yourself, your decision making can be hindered (for a long time at that) and concentrate on an outcome that doesn’t genuinely make you happy. That’s where that unsettled dissastified feeling may come from. You may read – until you turn blue – that you ought to find something that you’re passionate about. But what happens if you don’t think what you’re passionate about will bring you the status or income that another job might? What happens if you’re constantly afraid about appearing inferior to others? Your choices are no longer yours. If you want positive change for yourself, you have to advocate for what really matters to your irregardless of what others might think.

Bless the hearts of those who are already past this stage in their life. Tim did an exercise with me which perfectly displayed my own discomfort with having others think I’m silly. Quite honestly, merely thinking about going against the grain in certain situations was as comfortable as swallowing a grapefruit whole. But it also helped me realize a very empowering fact. Many people spend exorbitant amounts of time worrying about their own appearances in front of others. Some of the major decisions I needed to make for my own life have been thrown askew by what So-and-So might think. This can go on for the majority of your life or it can decrease because you’ve decided to live for yourself. It’s an unabashedly liberating feeling that comes with one conscious action after the other.

Life: Your Subjective Experience

For many of us, life seems to be something that happens to us. It’s easy to think you can’t help the level of your own happiness because of things that may have occurred in your life or words someone has said to you. But the more I work with Tim, the more I have come to realize that a good lot of it is a game of perspective. A situation could be a) the worst thing that has ever happened to you or b) the best opportunity that has come your way to date.

So what is the positive spin on something that is making you unhappy right now?

I struggled with this at first but I realized that a shift in perspective is indeed life changing. Since I am particularly talented at being hard on myself, I had a lot of material to work with

But I can attest to this truth – the more you rephrase your thoughts in the form of its Positive Spin, the easier it gets to see things in your favor.

I strongly recommend Tim’s e-book Know Yourself, Change Yourself because a lot of the very valuable work he has done with me can be found in it.

In closing, I must say that it’s an eye-opening experience … talking with someone whose focus is to help you shift your perspective from the negatives that plague you into the positives in the possibilities that life has in store for you. I also felt a strong sense of validation when, in speaking to Tim, I realized that I am not the only soul in the world going through certain things – no matter how much it seems that I am. That’s helpful because you then know that you can indeed pull yourself out of the rut that you feel stuck in. You know – for a fact – that people do it all the time. The thing is a good Life Coach can give you the right tools but it really is up to you to utilize them. You can read this blog post and have it go over your head or you can take a stab at it and try the advice that Tim has shared with me.

Your perspective IS the world of difference.

It’s how you get unstuck.

Photos by: Kent Barrett and eastling.

I am the fortunate recipient of 6 free sessions with life coach Tim Brownson, author of the book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions: There Are No Stupid Questions which was covered here. Prior to reading Tim’s book and speaking to him, I didn’t know what a life coach did exactly. My point of reference was an episode of the scandalous hit TV Series Nip/Tuck where Ava, the life coach, wrecked more havoc than help create peace of mind!

To kick off the exciting new InMyHeels Series – Life Coach, I want to share with you discoveries found during my first experience with a real life coach. Perhaps it will lend you more insight into what it is they do and how they can help you.

Exposed

Isn’t it funny how, when speaking to someone who is going to help you sort your life out, we lay it all out there? Things that someone couldn’t pay you to utter confessions to tend to come out fresh after signing the official forms (medical clearance, confidentiality, etc.) Well, maybe not everyone but I certainly did. Call it word vomit if you will but I spilled the beans on the many matters that clutter my mind with no mercy. As pumped up with positivity as I am, I have my struggles from my past that I feel prevent me from pushing forward.

Here’s where life coach Tim caught me off guard. The man had a system. Somehow, he managed to get a frighteningly accurate snapshot of my life in one hour. With direct questions that managed to make me squirm (didn’t know THAT was coming up), he was able to pinpoint my biggest issues with stunning accuracy. Stunning to me because, like just about everyone else, I was convinced I was the sole existing being on the planet with the issues/fears that I had (and how dare I!). Talk about exposed!

It was an incorrect assumption of mine that this would be a neat how-do-you-do. A walk in the park where Tim would explain to me exactly how to make my life awesome and I would follow his instructions into personal development stardom. Wrong. Life is messy. Habits tend to stick. Learning how to change the things you want to change doesn’t come in the form of easy how-to’s sticky-taped over the matters at hand. It requires a commitment to honesty with yourself and your coach. It requires understanding that time is your best tool – no one can fix bad habits with a simple scolding and most importantly, as a Life Coach – Tim certainly wasn’t going to try to. He informed me that isn’t how he worked. Rather, he was going to get ME to do the work of finding out what was right for ME by questioning me into realization.

Oops. Surprise!

Questions for Answers

How does someone successfully question you into realizing things about yourself that you’ve undoubtedly lived with your entire life?

It’s a game of perspective and a truly powerful, life changing one. I easily understood the value of a life coach’s role when he asked me questions like “What would it take to take your satisfaction with your diet (on a scale of 1-10) to a 10″. I couldn’t answer him and here’s why. It never occurred to me that certain experiences in my life, for instance my new eating habits, could ever be something I could be happy with.

Isn’t suffering through certain things (like eating if you’re trying to be cute) a fact of life?

Since when? Why does it have to be?

It dawned upon me that I was accepting levels of certain dissatisfaction as my norm. No wonder being happy would be an event and the drag of unhappiness or certain levels of aggravation would be the norm. The worst thing would be I scour and save life improving tips on a daily basis. I thought to myself “Shouldn’t I have known this?”

I guess it’s just different when you truly understand. Two points for Tim.

The Difference Between a Life Coach and a Therapist

Aside from the fact that life coaches have certain liberties that your therapist may not have, he is focused on helping you move forward with your life by pointing out things you may or may not know – and more importantly actually implement them into your life. It’s more than knowing you have bad habits – its helping you utilize new ways of thinking from now on to develop NEW and better habits.

A therapist cares about the same issues but often times helps you in terms of your past. The dynamic is very different – and I speak from first person experience. I have found a profound value in both approaches.

Your life coach will want to know about your past but spends more of his time pointing you to the right direction. He’s like the “What Now” guy. In fact, I noticed that Tim was careful about not working on things my therapist tends to. This works wonders since they won’t be able to clash on professional opinions.

When working with Tim, I got off the phone feeling like less of a victim of my circumstances and more of a woman with work to do. It’s so easy to get stuck in between what life is and all the stuff you hear you’re supposed to do. How do you move forward after something bad happens to you? How do you move forward when NOTHING happens to you – and that just so happens to be the problem? Well – a life coach helps you get unstuck.

It’s refreshing to speak to someone on your team (ha! The Coach! Didn’t see that coming!) that’s focused on helping you see a brighter future by tackling today – one day at a time.

This Is Based On YOUR Values

Another reason a life coach isn’t going to hand you a road map to your new life is because if this is truly YOUR new life, certain critical factors play as the compass that help you both discover which route is best for you. Your values need to be discovered (most likely you know them, you just don’t think about them) and they are brought to the forefront of your consciousness. What really matters to you? How is your life formed right now in respect to those values? If family is in your top ten yet you haven’t spoken to them within the past 3 months…

I write this in anticipation of my next session with Tim since, for homework, he had me think about my values. Merely taking part of this exercise has thrown me into certain sessions of deep thought. I’ll admit my fascination with working one on one with a life coach. InMyHeels.com is a testament to my dedication to my best life (and helping others discover theirs).

Do tell – what do you think a Life Coach does?

How do you think one can one help you?

To reach Tim Brownson for his coaching services (30 minutes free at that!) click here or check out his blog A Daring Adventure for some of the goods available to us on the web.

Stay tuned to Life Coach – The Series by subscribing to InMyHeels.com!

Photo by: noflickr

So about those strides to great success? There’s definitely more. Make it your business to grab these keys and hold on to them for dear life. Not only will they open the doors you know you need opened, they will unlock so much of that potential you didn’t even know you had!

Clean Up the Messes In Your Life

Messes in our lives mercilessly hold us back. Think about it. When your mind is preoccupied with the physical clutter in your home/workspace/hidden in your closet, you can’t focus on the things that matter to you. It’s as though mental clutter develops and it isn’t pleasant. There are also emotional messes such as resentment, strong bouts of self doubt, anger, and living in a negative past. You need some room for the positive thoughts that are going to propel you into your actualized dream. The problem tends to be, regardless of what type of mess you have, its just so much work to clean up! It can be discouraging when you’re looking at heaps of issues whether they come in large piles of junk mail or negative self talk you’ve had on autopilot for years.

There is such good news available to you with the decision to clean up your life. One small goal at a time is a) excellent opportunities for positive reinforcement every time you complete them, b) bigger steps out of your troubles in the meantime, and c) as possible as you allow it to be.

Attack your messes thinking from the end. You are not going to do something about the clutter. You ARE doing something about it. You are not going to be a victim of hoarding physical things anymore (which tends to perfectly reflect where your mind is!). You’re making room now. So this is what you do.

I read a tip from Jack Canfield’s book – The Success Principles – that I loved. I believe he borrowed it himself and it’s too good not to share with you. Create an Irritation List. An Irritation List is simply a list of things that just bother you to no end. You list any and every little thing. You walk throughout your home and write down every little thing that just bothers you and you’ve been putting off for ages. That doorknob needs to be fixed? Write it down. You can’t STAND that stain on your wall? Write it down. The closet is a disaster – that’s why you avoid it? Write it down. Then, choose a weekend (or a time appropriate for you) to tackle everything on that list. You’d be amazed how much better you feel about moving forward because you took care of things that simply bother you. This action is an action of great power. You are creating an environment that you love. You’re taking your life back. Clean up your messes and enjoy a new freedom.

Great Minds Think Alike: Surround Yourself With Great Minds!

There is nothing like momentum built, sustained, and exponentially growing between people with like minds. When you are feeling discouraged, dealing with a tough problem, tired, procrastinating, you name it- having a team of people like you in your corner is an indispensable advantage. Like Minds doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be in the same industry as you. Like Minds meaning these are people who are also chasing great success. These are people who also want big things! These are people who are EXCELLENT for your network. Together, you tackle issues and talk about the dreams and action plans you create. Gather a special group of individuals to meet on a consistent basis (once a week, month, whatever works for you). Everyone gets a turn to speak and everyone gives 100% in this group. As a group, you are helping each other realize your dreams. As a group or team, you keep each other accountable. What’s that? Didn’t you say you were going to call the head of SuperWoman Corp. and ask for an interview for that article? That’s right – you tell your team or partner your action plans for this week and come back with a report as to what happened. A string of actions = continuous progress! So go snag yourself a power team and help each other rise to the top. Be amazed at the contagious nature of motivation and keep that fire going.

Never Get to A Point Where You Stop Learning or Growing

To be the very best, you’re going to have to keep up with the times and keep up with your own personal growth. Never ever get to a point when you’re ’such a genius’ that you make no room for progress. You can always afford to learn something. This is how you stay ahead and this is how you keep your mind stimulated. You’re not going to hide from challenges such as new advances in technology in your field because it looks difficult. You’re not going to become obsolete because you refuse to learn. It’s ok to be new and start from the top again and again. You are about constant growth, change, and relevance. You are successful because you can adapt.

Also, be respectful of people at all levels. It’s not only about people who can apparently do things for you because they are ahead of you. You can learn from all types of people – you’d be amazed. Academia has it’s limitations. In this real world outside of a text book, the school of life is just as relevant if not more – to your success. Keep that human barometer calibrated at Sensitive to People and Their Needs. You’ll grow for it and so will your success.

Appreciate the People Around You

You express a great gratitude to the people who help you in even the smallest of ways with continuous acknowledgment in your apparent appreciation for them. The spouse who put up with your endless hours, the friend who let you cry and retell your tales of misfortune over..and over again, the janitor who waved at you with a smile even when you felt invisible – they all count. So what can you do for them? Never forget that critical question that is supposed to stimulate you to remain engaged with the people in your life. When you build your character in this way, you will find yourself enjoying the fruit of a holistic success. Success is empty when you’re all alone. Develop connections that are much deeper than “What’s-Her-Face-in-the-Mail-Room”. KNOW her real name (Jan). Find out how you can give back. Not only will people appreciate you back, they will help you in ways you might have never even thought of. You never know who knows who. You never know when you’re going to need a helping hand from an unlikely source. You don’t burn bridges – you build them and maintain their strength.

Give Back With a Happy Heart

When you are in a position to help others, do so! Be a blessing to others on a regular basis. Think back to that once in a lifetime opportunity that helped you get to where you are because someone out there believed in you or made a great opportunity available to you! You make a lot of room for wonderful things to happen to you when you make wonderful things happen for others. Life is funny like that. You’ll feel so good about yourself and about the life you live when you contribute to the well being of others in a way that success alone can’t give you. This tip is critical for your success at life. Success is more than climbing the ladder of socio-economic status. It’s more than a new title and awesome new heels. Success is living a life that you dreamed up and that is abundant with a satisfaction of self – full of love and actualized purpose. When you give, you sow the seeds of love – anonymous or not. You will reap what you sow. Know this.

The exponential benefits that come with wielding these keys are undeniable. Share them with others. Apply them to your life. Know them, remember them, live them and enjoy those big dreams of yours!

Here’s to your big dreams and great success!

For more motivational tips for success and happiness, be sure to subscribe to InMyHeels.com!

Photo by: noflickr

InMyHeels.com has been instrumental in my personal growth. With every post I write, every article I read, every book I devour with both myself and my readers in mind, my fire has been stoked without limits. This is why I’m ecstatic to write this piece. Every single key I share here is something I’ve utilized personally – some with this very blog – and have witnessed it’s powers in my personal life. And to think this is only the very beginning! It’s important to me that I share the best with you because it is MY big dream to help others be their best selves all the time.

I don’t fear dreaming big. Not in the very least. In fact, everytime I sense resistance with the HOW of what I’m dreaming about, I shake it off. I’d think “Not during the dreaming part”.

The way I see it – it’s MY imagination. I can think up whatever my heart desires. The other exciting part is realizing – each and every time – that if I REALLY wanted to, I can see most of these dreams come to pass. Taking a grasp of childlike freedom when giving yourself a moment to breathe and conjure up the mental images of your hearts desire is a liberating and thrilling exercise. Life tends to pelt us with the disappointments that disguise the faces of opportunities available to you every day. In attempting to play it ’safe’, many of us ditch even the ability to dream big. That is until one fact clicks inside you. No one is going to hand over your dream life and living as though you’ve been sentenced into the mundane is cruel and unusual punishment that creates stress, sadness, and dissatisfaction in our lives.

At least while reading this post, loosen up the chains a little and picture your passions. And hey, if you’re already a big dreamer, you’re in good company!

So holding your free pass into dreaming big, let’s now look at the HOW. What do we do about those?

Be ready to empower yourself with the great understanding that a) You have the right to dream big and b) You can live those dreams if you apply yourself. It’s all in the power of your intentions.

Do You Know What Your Dream REALLY Looks Like?

It’s possible that you have a vague idea as to what – for instance – the lifestyle you would like to live looks like. Something about airy fragrant surroundings or jet-setting all over the world in some sort of personal aircraft. That’s really nice. But you know what’s great? Taking in what your dream REALLY looks like. It’s more than some white-sandy beach. It’s Hawaii and you tour it online or, if you can, visit it yourself. You bask in the warm sunlight that kisses your cheek in the early morning and you can envision the scents, the people, and even the water right from your cubicle.

Why would you do such a thing?

Can you tell me something more inspiring that experiencing the very thing you want in the first place? Why on earth do you think luxury car salesmen hand over those keys and let you sink into the soft premium leather seats and speed off into the horizon? When you can SEE yourself in the position you want to be in, whether mentally or physically, you assume a role that you want to get back to. YOUR role. You belong in that driver’s seat and when you slink back off to the family hand-me-down car and see the stark difference, you remember with a smile what it was like and you make it your business to make it happen. That IS if you are being your exceptional self and have decided to find your way to your success. If not, you are most likely bitterly cursing your current situation. Something that won’t really have anyone knocking down your door to make it better. You want to seize your dream? Know what it looks like, tastes like, feels like, smells like. Envision it on a very regular basis. Walk through those pretty neighborhoods. Dress yourself as though you made it already. Practice those acceptance speeches. Get lost in those pretty postcards you save with the images of your dream destination. You are gearing yourself for what’s coming to you. And besides. It’s fun.

It’s All In the Strategy

Look. You’re in this to win and in order to do that, you’re going to have to strategize. Does that have to be hard? ABSOLUTELY NOT! In fact, one of my favorite facts would be this – there are myriads of people out there who not only did what you want to do, many of them wrote about it. They put together a DVD or a CD. Compilations even. You want to be like the winners? Just simply look at what the winners did! Even if your situation is drastically different and you cannot emulate the play-by-plays, the exciting thing is you can learn from their mistakes. You can devise your own plan. If you really want to make it happen for yourself, why lament over the fact that you didn’t get the same starting place as the next gal? Get there by starting small — which brings me to my next tip.

Bite Sized Pieces

One scary, overwhelming thing about big goals would be the size. So you want to start a business that shoots up in unbelievable success. Since you’re about strategy, you’re going to start from the top and think smart. Right now, you’ve got $23 in your bank account. Fine. But you’ve also got free resources online, at your local library, in your town – etc. You can get the school loan if you really want to. You can read up on starting a business and see where you can begin. There are so many steps that need to be done anyway and so the genius that is you decides to mind map and see where you go from there.

What’s mind mapping?

It’s a brilliant little brainstorming exercise that I have way too much fun with every time I do it. Simply put, you put your big goal in the center of a sheet of paper and circle it. Now you’re going to add singular branches to it. What do you think of when you think of your big goal? What are the important elements that make up that dream? Each element gets it own branch. And each element is also broken down into its own little branches. What do you have to do to make each element happen?

Here is a link to help you visualize and understand a bit more about mind mapping. Also, for those who like tinkering with software here are two free online programs designed specifically for mind mapping! They are Mindmeister and Mindomo although paper and pencil would work just fine.

You do this until you have a bunch of bite sized pieces of tasks. Even if it’s something as small as Buy Notepads, you know that every one of these actions contribute to the BIG PICTURE.

Now here’s something important to note. All those tasks – whether small or large – become real when they make it into your date book with a time frame to complete. You’re not only about dreaming big, you are about making those dreams come true. These are all just great ideas until you start implementing them into your life.

You Get a Round Of Applause For Every Good Thing You Do

Sounds gratuitous? Eh, so what. You’re not asking others to applaud you for buying that notepad but you are mentally noting that fact. Here’s why. With the continuing acknowledgement of your progress comes momentum. You have got to love momentum. It fuels you to do more. It increases your confidence and the sense of self that you need to enjoy life. It’s easy to constantly be down on yourself not realizing that you reprimand yourself for all of the little things. So how about your commend yourself for the good ones?

While you’re at it – write it down.

Before I continue – I must note that many people know that writing is really helpful and yet they don’t do it. Perhaps it seems tedious. But I must point something out. The habit most people have in speaking to themselves usually veer towards the negative side. Furthermore, you may THINK you remember every bit of progress you made but the reality is alot of people could stand to take a real look at what’s been going on so they don’t feel defeated by what seems like standing still.

So that being said, write down moments of progress and successes – large or small – in a dedicated journal. You will be able to have proof in your hands that you can look over on a regular basis of you moving forward. This is AMAZING for your self esteem. After all, many big dreams take a lot of time and it’s easy to lose that steam before you get there because you feel like you’re going no where.

Well. That’s for the person who doesn’t write it all down.

YOU on the other hand can see exactly whats going on. You can see how you’ve handled possible disasters as opportunities to grow. You see where you’re going. Now there- doesn’t that look good?

Be Ready for the Limelight

I can’t imagine anything more horrible than allowing a great opportunity (ditto if it was once in a life-time) steam roll right past you because you were not ready for your chance to shine.

There are several ways to tackle such moments. Make them yours by

- Using every day as another opportunity to do your best. Everyone starts somewhere so if you have to, begin with the incredibly important fundamentals. With a consistent dedication, your skills will develop. This means you are working at it DAILY. Your mind is geared towards your progress. You jump at chances to flex those growing muscles and you see no reason to miss out on thing that scream Chopped Liver (entry level or volunteer) because strategically thinking, you are in the richest position yet. You are honing your skills so that when the time comes, you blow them out of the water. That can’t happen with merely dreaming all day.

- Not allowing fear to cripple you. Being terrified of proceeding because you MIGHT mess up is a terrible thing that gets to many us Take that fear and use it to your advantage. Use it to get ready if you can. Use it to help you pay attention to detail. Know that even if you messed up, you’re alive and well with a new bit of experience added as a notch on your belt for next time.

- Be well versed in whatever industry it is that you’re interested in. Know who the notable folks are and take it up a notch by learning some of the others as well. Study their progress. See where they come from. Find one who ‘looks like you’ (meaning came from a similar situation, background, etc.) When someone in your field comes to speak to you, you won’t have a blank stare when The Expert is mentioned. And ok, if you’re new or you just don’t know yet, make note and go home to learn. Take solace in the fact that you are silently climbing up with every bit of knowledge you expand your mind with.

The second part of this series will be coming soon. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to subscribe because you won’t want to miss it!

Photo by: Bram & Vera

I heart you all!

-JEMi 

An anonymous reader of InMyHeels.com requested this piece so true to the nature of this blog where the walk InYourHeels counts, I am taking a stab at it and would love your feedback. What makes you likable?

It is no secret that first impressions are important. One gander your way and often times someone makes general assumptions based upon your appearance, gait, speech – you name it. Meeting new people already has its set of challenges. Now to add another complication, suppose you get the impression that the person/people you are meeting don’t like you. Maybe they don’t seem very receptive or impressed by your presence. Want to twist the knife? Suppose they are meeting someone else for the first time as well and are simply delighted with her company – and not shy about expressing it.

That hurts.

Before I continue, please bear in mind a fact that you undoubtedly know however serves as little consolation when it feels like more than one person isn’t moved by your company. Not everyone will like your fabulous self. I know – it’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re as wonderful as you are but let’s not forget this bit of wisdom. Their negativity is not about you – it’s about them and THEIR story. How do you know that you’re not the spitting image of Charlene from the 3rd grade that made that person’s life a living hell?

You don’t. And that’s just one very real example of millions that explain the distaste. This is why its imperative to work on yourself and being the best person you can be in your own skin. With that comes the confidence that this is you. If someone can’t accept you as is, well, tough noogies!

Now – the most likable you is not very far off. I understand that not everyone is Ms. Friendly. But some conscious effort on your part can make all the difference. And if that’s what you’re looking for, here are some tips that work.

Meeting New People

Be Pleasant

Do you have a particular reason to frown as you shake a new hand? How about looking disinterested when all you are is nervous? The person that you are with can’t tell that something is on your mind because your behavior seems to be reacting to their presence. Have a welcoming presence about you. Be interested in what the person has to say. Your body language underscores or strikes out these very bits of advice. If you’re avoiding eye contact, slouching, mumbling, being overly quiet – you’re giving cues of disinterest or insecurity. You’re fantastic remember? Smile! Relax! … Really!

Genuine and Mentally Present

The advice above comes hand and hand with this because it is truly painful witnessing someone plaster a fake grin with dead eyes and a stiff handshake. Be genuine when speaking to others. When I say be interested in what the other person has to say, skip out on the daydreaming and engage in real conversation. Even if it’s small talk, listen to what he/she has to say and contribute to the conversation. See, there is a huge difference between hearing someone speak and listening to what they’re saying. When you hear someone, you hear the audible sounds that are streaming into your ears but you are not really aware of what they are talking about because your mind is elsewhere. Or perhaps its you politely being quiet and giving them ‘a turn to speak’ in which you go right back to what you were speaking about – not necessarily acknowledging their input. <<–You don’t want to do that.

Listening, however, means you are taking in the information and processing it in your mind. You are able to give feedback based on what was being said. When you are conscious of what’s going on, you catch on and store little bits of information that can matter later on. Be that person that remembers certain details and can bring it up later. People tend to be flattered by that kind of thing particularly because your attention means you cared about what they had to say. Simple yet very effective!

Give Your Company a Word In the Edgewise

Do you know about most people loving to talk about themselves? Be generous with conversation time by asking open-ended questions that need more than a Yes or No. Listen with interest. Share an anecdote, opinion, or story of your own. Natural conversation often evolves when this is done. Talking too much makes you seem nervous or scatterbrained (oh no!) and speaking too little insinuates that you can’t possible be very interesting. But here you are – you clever reader you – asking questions and engaging with the other person. You’re seeking your flow so go for it!

People You Know

It’s About Them Too!

Do you know how that person’s day is going? Did you ask? When is the last time a conversation had anything to do with the opposite party’s matters?

It’s so easy to get caught up in talking about ourselves and completely shut others out. It’s also painfully easy not to notice because sometimes other people aren’t the type to say “Ok – please. I need to talk too!” When you respect and appreciate another person, it shows through your actions. So when initiating conversation, skip the “I, I, I” for a moment and find out what’s going on with your present company. Even if it’s nothing, the fact that you asked is very often appreciated.

Be Helpful and Considerate

Kindhearted helpfulness and generosity are traits that ought not be underestimated. If you’re a friend that offers to help during tough times (you don’t need to sell your house and split your funds to be a good friend. Sometimes just an ear or an extra hand is priceless) you soon become seen as valuable. Be mindful of your actions. Don’t become a crutch or so selfless that you begin resenting your friendship. Rather, feed this friendship with a healthy dose of support and love. Be the kind of person that makes a rainy day better. You never know your impact or how that kindness returns.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

It’s tough to take a flaky person seriously. You build or disintegrate your rep as a friend every time you make and break/keep a promise. Become the kind of person the people around you can count on by making sure your actions match your statements at least most of the time. Another thing? Don’t say yes when you really mean no. Resentment is poison between people and you might begin behaving in ways that repel others without even knowing it!

Tone Down the Negativity

Does everything that leaves your mouth have to do with the words “Never, can’t, don’t, yeahhhh..sure” and things of that nature? Do you realize that you may be stomping on someone’s dreams without merit? Do you realize that constant negativity can be unattractive? You then become the friend that no one says anything to because you’re always being negative. Now, there is a difference between being negative and realistic. How can you add a realistic, positive input into the conversation? How can you disagree without attacking someone’s intelligence? Now I am aware that some people pride themselves at being brutally honest however if you’re not careful with your approach, you might find yourself brutally alone.

Have Your Own Interests

Whether you are about to knock the socks off a new interest you just met or you love your bff to death, have your own interests. Your own time. Your own thing. Here’s why. You are going to have your own realm of things to talk about. That’s one. Two, excelling at your own interests breeds confidence and inner strength. Every time you do something for yourself despite the surrounding commentary, you are telling yourself you COUNT enough to pay attention to. That confidence will serve you in many a place but in the context of others, you will be able to be genuine or listen with interest like I mentioned above because you are not too busy assuming someone’s style or being so self conscious that you can’t carry a conversation. You’ll be more likely to have input, opinions, and experiences to share.

Being Yourself… and Why

It can be sorely tempting to act like Whats-Her-Face because people love that she’s so smart or like That-Girl because she’s a fashionista. There is nothing wrong with working your own smarts or looking good but pushing yourself so out of your element that you feel unnatural is not a good idea. Your personality is yours so be consistent. I personally think everyone can enhance themselves with tips from self improvement that has to do with positive thinking and growth. A smile isn’t fake if you genuinely have reasons to be happy and grateful. It IS fake is you put it on for no other reason but to look like So-and-So when people are looking.

Dig deep and bring out the best in you. Get comfortable with her. Do things to invite people around you instead of hurting them and turning them off with unkind actions. If you’re mindful of others, they’ll be mindful of you.

All in all, being the best you is all you can do and know that it’s always enough. If you want to attract others, think of what’s going on with you. Would you like your own company? Do you contribute to the happy factor in other people’s day? The authentic you is what sticks – change for people and somehow they can sense the fake factor and react accordingly.

Don’t forget – you get to choose good company too!

So how about you? What are some things that people like about you? Surely you know – don’t be shy about sharing!

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Photos by: Psoup216 and s4n7y