Have you ever felt stuck at any point in your life?

You know that you want to make positive changes, be happier, get things done, discover the exciting possibilities available to you and yet something is holding you back.

Something like perpetual doubt and negative statements informing you of your inabilities and past failures in the form of a loop that won’t stop playing in your mind.

It’s a frustrating place to be in and the longing for better things in life gnaw at you. But where do you begin? Change is uncomfortable and so even if you are already uncomfortable with the way your life is, its familiar and therefore nesting in your familiar, uncomfortable unhappiness seems to be the easier thing to do.

Curious, though.. How do you get unstuck in life? Out of a rut and into the good stuff that others seem to be enjoying?

Life Coach Tim Brownson is full of useful insights and he shared them with me - and I couldn’t be any more grateful. So forwarding the good advice along, I hope these keys are as helpful to you as they have been to me.

No Fighting with Your Feelings

The thoughts and the feelings come. It’s what they do however you can do one of two things. You can be angry/stressed/upset about your current state of mind, perhaps stoking the flames of the negative emotions into an even larger fire or you can step back and observe your feelings. To observe your emotions is to actually become aware of what’s running rampant in your mind.

What’s going on?

What is it that you’re telling yourself over and over again?

If you know what you’re working with, you can do something about it.

Tim’s lesson in this is don’t judge your feelings. The act of judging your feelings alone creates an even greater deficit. This is a simple instruction but admittedly tougher than it sounds since you’re dealing with the habit of judging your own thoughts. Which leads us into the next point.

Uh Uh! Catch Those Thoughts

Negative thought loops can be slippery little fellas that are hard to catch and here’s why. You become so used to the thoughts and the feelings that come along with them that they become ho-hum background noise in your mind. It takes a level of consciousness to catch them and change them. So here’s what you do. If you can remember to check in on your thoughts, you can grow your level of consciousness and work on them. One very useful suggestion Tim shared with me was to utilize post it notes to remind myself to check in. He also mentioned that I move them around because after a while, they too can become “background noise”. In other words, if you get really used to seeing them in their usual position, you stop paying attention. This little exercise is worth trying out because it took me a few days to realize that the reason I was falling back into a slump was because I was back in sync with my negative loop! I had forgotten to check in. So from little alerts on my cell phone to a little post-it in books that I’m reading, I make it my business to consciously change my thoughts. In my opinion, its quite a bit of leg work. But then again, so is a long continuous stream of dissatisfaction. It is my intention to be able to do this more and more without the reminders but its a great place to start.

Who Cares What People Think?

One very surprising source of stress can be the gross preoccupation with what others think of you. You may not realize it at first but if you’re constantly worried about where you are in life in comparison to your peers or what they think of what you’re doing with yourself, your decision making can be hindered (for a long time at that) and concentrate on an outcome that doesn’t genuinely make you happy. That’s where that unsettled dissastified feeling may come from. You may read - until you turn blue - that you ought to find something that you’re passionate about. But what happens if you don’t think what you’re passionate about will bring you the status or income that another job might? What happens if you’re constantly afraid about appearing inferior to others? Your choices are no longer yours. If you want positive change for yourself, you have to advocate for what really matters to your irregardless of what others might think.

Bless the hearts of those who are already past this stage in their life. Tim did an exercise with me which perfectly displayed my own discomfort with having others think I’m silly. Quite honestly, merely thinking about going against the grain in certain situations was as comfortable as swallowing a grapefruit whole. But it also helped me realize a very empowering fact. Many people spend exorbitant amounts of time worrying about their own appearances in front of others. Some of the major decisions I needed to make for my own life have been thrown askew by what So-and-So might think. This can go on for the majority of your life or it can decrease because you’ve decided to live for yourself. It’s an unabashedly liberating feeling that comes with one conscious action after the other.

Life: Your Subjective Experience

For many of us, life seems to be something that happens to us. It’s easy to think you can’t help the level of your own happiness because of things that may have occurred in your life or words someone has said to you. But the more I work with Tim, the more I have come to realize that a good lot of it is a game of perspective. A situation could be a) the worst thing that has ever happened to you or b) the best opportunity that has come your way to date.

So what is the positive spin on something that is making you unhappy right now?

I struggled with this at first but I realized that a shift in perspective is indeed life changing. Since I am particularly talented at being hard on myself, I had a lot of material to work with

But I can attest to this truth - the more you rephrase your thoughts in the form of its Positive Spin, the easier it gets to see things in your favor.

I strongly recommend Tim’s e-book Know Yourself, Change Yourself because a lot of the very valuable work he has done with me can be found in it.

In closing, I must say that it’s an eye-opening experience … talking with someone whose focus is to help you shift your perspective from the negatives that plague you into the positives in the possibilities that life has in store for you. I also felt a strong sense of validation when, in speaking to Tim, I realized that I am not the only soul in the world going through certain things - no matter how much it seems that I am. That’s helpful because you then know that you can indeed pull yourself out of the rut that you feel stuck in. You know - for a fact - that people do it all the time. The thing is a good Life Coach can give you the right tools but it really is up to you to utilize them. You can read this blog post and have it go over your head or you can take a stab at it and try the advice that Tim has shared with me.

Your perspective IS the world of difference.

It’s how you get unstuck.

Photos by: Kent Barrett and eastling.

I am the fortunate recipient of 6 free sessions with life coach Tim Brownson, author of the book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions: There Are No Stupid Questions which was covered here. Prior to reading Tim’s book and speaking to him, I didn’t know what a life coach did exactly. My point of reference was an episode of the scandalous hit TV Series Nip/Tuck where Ava, the life coach, wrecked more havoc than help create peace of mind!

To kick off the exciting new InMyHeels Series - Life Coach, I want to share with you discoveries found during my first experience with a real life coach. Perhaps it will lend you more insight into what it is they do and how they can help you.

Exposed

Isn’t it funny how, when speaking to someone who is going to help you sort your life out, we lay it all out there? Things that someone couldn’t pay you to utter confessions to tend to come out fresh after signing the official forms (medical clearance, confidentiality, etc.) Well, maybe not everyone but I certainly did. Call it word vomit if you will but I spilled the beans on the many matters that clutter my mind with no mercy. As pumped up with positivity as I am, I have my struggles from my past that I feel prevent me from pushing forward.

Here’s where life coach Tim caught me off guard. The man had a system. Somehow, he managed to get a frighteningly accurate snapshot of my life in one hour. With direct questions that managed to make me squirm (didn’t know THAT was coming up), he was able to pinpoint my biggest issues with stunning accuracy. Stunning to me because, like just about everyone else, I was convinced I was the sole existing being on the planet with the issues/fears that I had (and how dare I!). Talk about exposed!

It was an incorrect assumption of mine that this would be a neat how-do-you-do. A walk in the park where Tim would explain to me exactly how to make my life awesome and I would follow his instructions into personal development stardom. Wrong. Life is messy. Habits tend to stick. Learning how to change the things you want to change doesn’t come in the form of easy how-to’s sticky-taped over the matters at hand. It requires a commitment to honesty with yourself and your coach. It requires understanding that time is your best tool - no one can fix bad habits with a simple scolding and most importantly, as a Life Coach - Tim certainly wasn’t going to try to. He informed me that isn’t how he worked. Rather, he was going to get ME to do the work of finding out what was right for ME by questioning me into realization.

Oops. Surprise!

Questions for Answers

How does someone successfully question you into realizing things about yourself that you’ve undoubtedly lived with your entire life?

It’s a game of perspective and a truly powerful, life changing one. I easily understood the value of a life coach’s role when he asked me questions like “What would it take to take your satisfaction with your diet (on a scale of 1-10) to a 10″. I couldn’t answer him and here’s why. It never occurred to me that certain experiences in my life, for instance my new eating habits, could ever be something I could be happy with.

Isn’t suffering through certain things (like eating if you’re trying to be cute) a fact of life?

Since when? Why does it have to be?

It dawned upon me that I was accepting levels of certain dissatisfaction as my norm. No wonder being happy would be an event and the drag of unhappiness or certain levels of aggravation would be the norm. The worst thing would be I scour and save life improving tips on a daily basis. I thought to myself “Shouldn’t I have known this?”

I guess it’s just different when you truly understand. Two points for Tim.

The Difference Between a Life Coach and a Therapist

Aside from the fact that life coaches have certain liberties that your therapist may not have, he is focused on helping you move forward with your life by pointing out things you may or may not know - and more importantly actually implement them into your life. It’s more than knowing you have bad habits - its helping you utilize new ways of thinking from now on to develop NEW and better habits.

A therapist cares about the same issues but often times helps you in terms of your past. The dynamic is very different - and I speak from first person experience. I have found a profound value in both approaches.

Your life coach will want to know about your past but spends more of his time pointing you to the right direction. He’s like the “What Now” guy. In fact, I noticed that Tim was careful about not working on things my therapist tends to. This works wonders since they won’t be able to clash on professional opinions.

When working with Tim, I got off the phone feeling like less of a victim of my circumstances and more of a woman with work to do. It’s so easy to get stuck in between what life is and all the stuff you hear you’re supposed to do. How do you move forward after something bad happens to you? How do you move forward when NOTHING happens to you - and that just so happens to be the problem? Well - a life coach helps you get unstuck.

It’s refreshing to speak to someone on your team (ha! The Coach! Didn’t see that coming!) that’s focused on helping you see a brighter future by tackling today - one day at a time.

This Is Based On YOUR Values

Another reason a life coach isn’t going to hand you a road map to your new life is because if this is truly YOUR new life, certain critical factors play as the compass that help you both discover which route is best for you. Your values need to be discovered (most likely you know them, you just don’t think about them) and they are brought to the forefront of your consciousness. What really matters to you? How is your life formed right now in respect to those values? If family is in your top ten yet you haven’t spoken to them within the past 3 months…

I write this in anticipation of my next session with Tim since, for homework, he had me think about my values. Merely taking part of this exercise has thrown me into certain sessions of deep thought. I’ll admit my fascination with working one on one with a life coach. InMyHeels.com is a testament to my dedication to my best life (and helping others discover theirs).

Do tell - what do you think a Life Coach does?

How do you think one can one help you?

To reach Tim Brownson for his coaching services (30 minutes free at that!) click here or check out his blog A Daring Adventure for some of the goods available to us on the web.

Stay tuned to Life Coach - The Series by subscribing to InMyHeels.com!

Photo by: noflickr

So about those strides to great success? There’s definitely more. Make it your business to grab these keys and hold on to them for dear life. Not only will they open the doors you know you need opened, they will unlock so much of that potential you didn’t even know you had!

Clean Up the Messes In Your Life

Messes in our lives mercilessly hold us back. Think about it. When your mind is preoccupied with the physical clutter in your home/workspace/hidden in your closet, you can’t focus on the things that matter to you. It’s as though mental clutter develops and it isn’t pleasant. There are also emotional messes such as resentment, strong bouts of self doubt, anger, and living in a negative past. You need some room for the positive thoughts that are going to propel you into your actualized dream. The problem tends to be, regardless of what type of mess you have, its just so much work to clean up! It can be discouraging when you’re looking at heaps of issues whether they come in large piles of junk mail or negative self talk you’ve had on autopilot for years.

There is such good news available to you with the decision to clean up your life. One small goal at a time is a) excellent opportunities for positive reinforcement every time you complete them, b) bigger steps out of your troubles in the meantime, and c) as possible as you allow it to be.

Attack your messes thinking from the end. You are not going to do something about the clutter. You ARE doing something about it. You are not going to be a victim of hoarding physical things anymore (which tends to perfectly reflect where your mind is!). You’re making room now. So this is what you do.

I read a tip from Jack Canfield’s book - The Success Principles - that I loved. I believe he borrowed it himself and it’s too good not to share with you. Create an Irritation List. An Irritation List is simply a list of things that just bother you to no end. You list any and every little thing. You walk throughout your home and write down every little thing that just bothers you and you’ve been putting off for ages. That doorknob needs to be fixed? Write it down. You can’t STAND that stain on your wall? Write it down. The closet is a disaster - that’s why you avoid it? Write it down. Then, choose a weekend (or a time appropriate for you) to tackle everything on that list. You’d be amazed how much better you feel about moving forward because you took care of things that simply bother you. This action is an action of great power. You are creating an environment that you love. You’re taking your life back. Clean up your messes and enjoy a new freedom.

Great Minds Think Alike: Surround Yourself With Great Minds!

There is nothing like momentum built, sustained, and exponentially growing between people with like minds. When you are feeling discouraged, dealing with a tough problem, tired, procrastinating, you name it- having a team of people like you in your corner is an indispensable advantage. Like Minds doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be in the same industry as you. Like Minds meaning these are people who are also chasing great success. These are people who also want big things! These are people who are EXCELLENT for your network. Together, you tackle issues and talk about the dreams and action plans you create. Gather a special group of individuals to meet on a consistent basis (once a week, month, whatever works for you). Everyone gets a turn to speak and everyone gives 100% in this group. As a group, you are helping each other realize your dreams. As a group or team, you keep each other accountable. What’s that? Didn’t you say you were going to call the head of SuperWoman Corp. and ask for an interview for that article? That’s right - you tell your team or partner your action plans for this week and come back with a report as to what happened. A string of actions = continuous progress! So go snag yourself a power team and help each other rise to the top. Be amazed at the contagious nature of motivation and keep that fire going.

Never Get to A Point Where You Stop Learning or Growing

To be the very best, you’re going to have to keep up with the times and keep up with your own personal growth. Never ever get to a point when you’re ’such a genius’ that you make no room for progress. You can always afford to learn something. This is how you stay ahead and this is how you keep your mind stimulated. You’re not going to hide from challenges such as new advances in technology in your field because it looks difficult. You’re not going to become obsolete because you refuse to learn. It’s ok to be new and start from the top again and again. You are about constant growth, change, and relevance. You are successful because you can adapt.

Also, be respectful of people at all levels. It’s not only about people who can apparently do things for you because they are ahead of you. You can learn from all types of people - you’d be amazed. Academia has it’s limitations. In this real world outside of a text book, the school of life is just as relevant if not more - to your success. Keep that human barometer calibrated at Sensitive to People and Their Needs. You’ll grow for it and so will your success.

Appreciate the People Around You

You express a great gratitude to the people who help you in even the smallest of ways with continuous acknowledgment in your apparent appreciation for them. The spouse who put up with your endless hours, the friend who let you cry and retell your tales of misfortune over..and over again, the janitor who waved at you with a smile even when you felt invisible - they all count. So what can you do for them? Never forget that critical question that is supposed to stimulate you to remain engaged with the people in your life. When you build your character in this way, you will find yourself enjoying the fruit of a holistic success. Success is empty when you’re all alone. Develop connections that are much deeper than “What’s-Her-Face-in-the-Mail-Room”. KNOW her real name (Jan). Find out how you can give back. Not only will people appreciate you back, they will help you in ways you might have never even thought of. You never know who knows who. You never know when you’re going to need a helping hand from an unlikely source. You don’t burn bridges - you build them and maintain their strength.

Give Back With a Happy Heart

When you are in a position to help others, do so! Be a blessing to others on a regular basis. Think back to that once in a lifetime opportunity that helped you get to where you are because someone out there believed in you or made a great opportunity available to you! You make a lot of room for wonderful things to happen to you when you make wonderful things happen for others. Life is funny like that. You’ll feel so good about yourself and about the life you live when you contribute to the well being of others in a way that success alone can’t give you. This tip is critical for your success at life. Success is more than climbing the ladder of socio-economic status. It’s more than a new title and awesome new heels. Success is living a life that you dreamed up and that is abundant with a satisfaction of self - full of love and actualized purpose. When you give, you sow the seeds of love - anonymous or not. You will reap what you sow. Know this.

The exponential benefits that come with wielding these keys are undeniable. Share them with others. Apply them to your life. Know them, remember them, live them and enjoy those big dreams of yours!

Here’s to your big dreams and great success!

For more motivational tips for success and happiness, be sure to subscribe to InMyHeels.com!

Photo by: noflickr

InMyHeels.com has been instrumental in my personal growth. With every post I write, every article I read, every book I devour with both myself and my readers in mind, my fire has been stoked without limits. This is why I’m ecstatic to write this piece. Every single key I share here is something I’ve utilized personally - some with this very blog - and have witnessed it’s powers in my personal life. And to think this is only the very beginning! It’s important to me that I share the best with you because it is MY big dream to help others be their best selves all the time.

I don’t fear dreaming big. Not in the very least. In fact, everytime I sense resistance with the HOW of what I’m dreaming about, I shake it off. I’d think “Not during the dreaming part”.

The way I see it - it’s MY imagination. I can think up whatever my heart desires. The other exciting part is realizing - each and every time - that if I REALLY wanted to, I can see most of these dreams come to pass. Taking a grasp of childlike freedom when giving yourself a moment to breathe and conjure up the mental images of your hearts desire is a liberating and thrilling exercise. Life tends to pelt us with the disappointments that disguise the faces of opportunities available to you every day. In attempting to play it ’safe’, many of us ditch even the ability to dream big. That is until one fact clicks inside you. No one is going to hand over your dream life and living as though you’ve been sentenced into the mundane is cruel and unusual punishment that creates stress, sadness, and dissatisfaction in our lives.

At least while reading this post, loosen up the chains a little and picture your passions. And hey, if you’re already a big dreamer, you’re in good company!

So holding your free pass into dreaming big, let’s now look at the HOW. What do we do about those?

Be ready to empower yourself with the great understanding that a) You have the right to dream big and b) You can live those dreams if you apply yourself. It’s all in the power of your intentions.

Do You Know What Your Dream REALLY Looks Like?

It’s possible that you have a vague idea as to what - for instance - the lifestyle you would like to live looks like. Something about airy fragrant surroundings or jet-setting all over the world in some sort of personal aircraft. That’s really nice. But you know what’s great? Taking in what your dream REALLY looks like. It’s more than some white-sandy beach. It’s Hawaii and you tour it online or, if you can, visit it yourself. You bask in the warm sunlight that kisses your cheek in the early morning and you can envision the scents, the people, and even the water right from your cubicle.

Why would you do such a thing?

Can you tell me something more inspiring that experiencing the very thing you want in the first place? Why on earth do you think luxury car salesmen hand over those keys and let you sink into the soft premium leather seats and speed off into the horizon? When you can SEE yourself in the position you want to be in, whether mentally or physically, you assume a role that you want to get back to. YOUR role. You belong in that driver’s seat and when you slink back off to the family hand-me-down car and see the stark difference, you remember with a smile what it was like and you make it your business to make it happen. That IS if you are being your exceptional self and have decided to find your way to your success. If not, you are most likely bitterly cursing your current situation. Something that won’t really have anyone knocking down your door to make it better. You want to seize your dream? Know what it looks like, tastes like, feels like, smells like. Envision it on a very regular basis. Walk through those pretty neighborhoods. Dress yourself as though you made it already. Practice those acceptance speeches. Get lost in those pretty postcards you save with the images of your dream destination. You are gearing yourself for what’s coming to you. And besides. It’s fun.

It’s All In the Strategy

Look. You’re in this to win and in order to do that, you’re going to have to strategize. Does that have to be hard? ABSOLUTELY NOT! In fact, one of my favorite facts would be this - there are myriads of people out there who not only did what you want to do, many of them wrote about it. They put together a DVD or a CD. Compilations even. You want to be like the winners? Just simply look at what the winners did! Even if your situation is drastically different and you cannot emulate the play-by-plays, the exciting thing is you can learn from their mistakes. You can devise your own plan. If you really want to make it happen for yourself, why lament over the fact that you didn’t get the same starting place as the next gal? Get there by starting small — which brings me to my next tip.

Bite Sized Pieces

One scary, overwhelming thing about big goals would be the size. So you want to start a business that shoots up in unbelievable success. Since you’re about strategy, you’re going to start from the top and think smart. Right now, you’ve got $23 in your bank account. Fine. But you’ve also got free resources online, at your local library, in your town - etc. You can get the school loan if you really want to. You can read up on starting a business and see where you can begin. There are so many steps that need to be done anyway and so the genius that is you decides to mind map and see where you go from there.

What’s mind mapping?

It’s a brilliant little brainstorming exercise that I have way too much fun with every time I do it. Simply put, you put your big goal in the center of a sheet of paper and circle it. Now you’re going to add singular branches to it. What do you think of when you think of your big goal? What are the important elements that make up that dream? Each element gets it own branch. And each element is also broken down into its own little branches. What do you have to do to make each element happen?

Here is a link to help you visualize and understand a bit more about mind mapping. Also, for those who like tinkering with software here are two free online programs designed specifically for mind mapping! They are Mindmeister and Mindomo although paper and pencil would work just fine.

You do this until you have a bunch of bite sized pieces of tasks. Even if it’s something as small as Buy Notepads, you know that every one of these actions contribute to the BIG PICTURE.

Now here’s something important to note. All those tasks - whether small or large - become real when they make it into your date book with a time frame to complete. You’re not only about dreaming big, you are about making those dreams come true. These are all just great ideas until you start implementing them into your life.

You Get a Round Of Applause For Every Good Thing You Do

Sounds gratuitous? Eh, so what. You’re not asking others to applaud you for buying that notepad but you are mentally noting that fact. Here’s why. With the continuing acknowledgement of your progress comes momentum. You have got to love momentum. It fuels you to do more. It increases your confidence and the sense of self that you need to enjoy life. It’s easy to constantly be down on yourself not realizing that you reprimand yourself for all of the little things. So how about your commend yourself for the good ones?

While you’re at it - write it down.

Before I continue - I must note that many people know that writing is really helpful and yet they don’t do it. Perhaps it seems tedious. But I must point something out. The habit most people have in speaking to themselves usually veer towards the negative side. Furthermore, you may THINK you remember every bit of progress you made but the reality is alot of people could stand to take a real look at what’s been going on so they don’t feel defeated by what seems like standing still.

So that being said, write down moments of progress and successes - large or small - in a dedicated journal. You will be able to have proof in your hands that you can look over on a regular basis of you moving forward. This is AMAZING for your self esteem. After all, many big dreams take a lot of time and it’s easy to lose that steam before you get there because you feel like you’re going no where.

Well. That’s for the person who doesn’t write it all down.

YOU on the other hand can see exactly whats going on. You can see how you’ve handled possible disasters as opportunities to grow. You see where you’re going. Now there- doesn’t that look good?

Be Ready for the Limelight

I can’t imagine anything more horrible than allowing a great opportunity (ditto if it was once in a life-time) steam roll right past you because you were not ready for your chance to shine.

There are several ways to tackle such moments. Make them yours by

- Using every day as another opportunity to do your best. Everyone starts somewhere so if you have to, begin with the incredibly important fundamentals. With a consistent dedication, your skills will develop. This means you are working at it DAILY. Your mind is geared towards your progress. You jump at chances to flex those growing muscles and you see no reason to miss out on thing that scream Chopped Liver (entry level or volunteer) because strategically thinking, you are in the richest position yet. You are honing your skills so that when the time comes, you blow them out of the water. That can’t happen with merely dreaming all day.

- Not allowing fear to cripple you. Being terrified of proceeding because you MIGHT mess up is a terrible thing that gets to many us Take that fear and use it to your advantage. Use it to get ready if you can. Use it to help you pay attention to detail. Know that even if you messed up, you’re alive and well with a new bit of experience added as a notch on your belt for next time.

- Be well versed in whatever industry it is that you’re interested in. Know who the notable folks are and take it up a notch by learning some of the others as well. Study their progress. See where they come from. Find one who ‘looks like you’ (meaning came from a similar situation, background, etc.) When someone in your field comes to speak to you, you won’t have a blank stare when The Expert is mentioned. And ok, if you’re new or you just don’t know yet, make note and go home to learn. Take solace in the fact that you are silently climbing up with every bit of knowledge you expand your mind with.

The second part of this series will be coming soon. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to subscribe because you won’t want to miss it!

Photo by: Bram & Vera

I heart you all!

-JEMi 

An anonymous reader of InMyHeels.com requested this piece so true to the nature of this blog where the walk InYourHeels counts, I am taking a stab at it and would love your feedback. What makes you likable?

It is no secret that first impressions are important. One gander your way and often times someone makes general assumptions based upon your appearance, gait, speech - you name it. Meeting new people already has its set of challenges. Now to add another complication, suppose you get the impression that the person/people you are meeting don’t like you. Maybe they don’t seem very receptive or impressed by your presence. Want to twist the knife? Suppose they are meeting someone else for the first time as well and are simply delighted with her company - and not shy about expressing it.

That hurts.

Before I continue, please bear in mind a fact that you undoubtedly know however serves as little consolation when it feels like more than one person isn’t moved by your company. Not everyone will like your fabulous self. I know - it’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re as wonderful as you are but let’s not forget this bit of wisdom. Their negativity is not about you - it’s about them and THEIR story. How do you know that you’re not the spitting image of Charlene from the 3rd grade that made that person’s life a living hell?

You don’t. And that’s just one very real example of millions that explain the distaste. This is why its imperative to work on yourself and being the best person you can be in your own skin. With that comes the confidence that this is you. If someone can’t accept you as is, well, tough noogies!

Now - the most likable you is not very far off. I understand that not everyone is Ms. Friendly. But some conscious effort on your part can make all the difference. And if that’s what you’re looking for, here are some tips that work.

Meeting New People

Be Pleasant

Do you have a particular reason to frown as you shake a new hand? How about looking disinterested when all you are is nervous? The person that you are with can’t tell that something is on your mind because your behavior seems to be reacting to their presence. Have a welcoming presence about you. Be interested in what the person has to say. Your body language underscores or strikes out these very bits of advice. If you’re avoiding eye contact, slouching, mumbling, being overly quiet - you’re giving cues of disinterest or insecurity. You’re fantastic remember? Smile! Relax! … Really!

Genuine and Mentally Present

The advice above comes hand and hand with this because it is truly painful witnessing someone plaster a fake grin with dead eyes and a stiff handshake. Be genuine when speaking to others. When I say be interested in what the other person has to say, skip out on the daydreaming and engage in real conversation. Even if it’s small talk, listen to what he/she has to say and contribute to the conversation. See, there is a huge difference between hearing someone speak and listening to what they’re saying. When you hear someone, you hear the audible sounds that are streaming into your ears but you are not really aware of what they are talking about because your mind is elsewhere. Or perhaps its you politely being quiet and giving them ‘a turn to speak’ in which you go right back to what you were speaking about - not necessarily acknowledging their input. <<–You don’t want to do that.

Listening, however, means you are taking in the information and processing it in your mind. You are able to give feedback based on what was being said. When you are conscious of what’s going on, you catch on and store little bits of information that can matter later on. Be that person that remembers certain details and can bring it up later. People tend to be flattered by that kind of thing particularly because your attention means you cared about what they had to say. Simple yet very effective!

Give Your Company a Word In the Edgewise

Do you know about most people loving to talk about themselves? Be generous with conversation time by asking open-ended questions that need more than a Yes or No. Listen with interest. Share an anecdote, opinion, or story of your own. Natural conversation often evolves when this is done. Talking too much makes you seem nervous or scatterbrained (oh no!) and speaking too little insinuates that you can’t possible be very interesting. But here you are - you clever reader you - asking questions and engaging with the other person. You’re seeking your flow so go for it!

People You Know

It’s About Them Too!

Do you know how that person’s day is going? Did you ask? When is the last time a conversation had anything to do with the opposite party’s matters?

It’s so easy to get caught up in talking about ourselves and completely shut others out. It’s also painfully easy not to notice because sometimes other people aren’t the type to say “Ok - please. I need to talk too!” When you respect and appreciate another person, it shows through your actions. So when initiating conversation, skip the “I, I, I” for a moment and find out what’s going on with your present company. Even if it’s nothing, the fact that you asked is very often appreciated.

Be Helpful and Considerate

Kindhearted helpfulness and generosity are traits that ought not be underestimated. If you’re a friend that offers to help during tough times (you don’t need to sell your house and split your funds to be a good friend. Sometimes just an ear or an extra hand is priceless) you soon become seen as valuable. Be mindful of your actions. Don’t become a crutch or so selfless that you begin resenting your friendship. Rather, feed this friendship with a healthy dose of support and love. Be the kind of person that makes a rainy day better. You never know your impact or how that kindness returns.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

It’s tough to take a flaky person seriously. You build or disintegrate your rep as a friend every time you make and break/keep a promise. Become the kind of person the people around you can count on by making sure your actions match your statements at least most of the time. Another thing? Don’t say yes when you really mean no. Resentment is poison between people and you might begin behaving in ways that repel others without even knowing it!

Tone Down the Negativity

Does everything that leaves your mouth have to do with the words “Never, can’t, don’t, yeahhhh..sure” and things of that nature? Do you realize that you may be stomping on someone’s dreams without merit? Do you realize that constant negativity can be unattractive? You then become the friend that no one says anything to because you’re always being negative. Now, there is a difference between being negative and realistic. How can you add a realistic, positive input into the conversation? How can you disagree without attacking someone’s intelligence? Now I am aware that some people pride themselves at being brutally honest however if you’re not careful with your approach, you might find yourself brutally alone.

Have Your Own Interests

Whether you are about to knock the socks off a new interest you just met or you love your bff to death, have your own interests. Your own time. Your own thing. Here’s why. You are going to have your own realm of things to talk about. That’s one. Two, excelling at your own interests breeds confidence and inner strength. Every time you do something for yourself despite the surrounding commentary, you are telling yourself you COUNT enough to pay attention to. That confidence will serve you in many a place but in the context of others, you will be able to be genuine or listen with interest like I mentioned above because you are not too busy assuming someone’s style or being so self conscious that you can’t carry a conversation. You’ll be more likely to have input, opinions, and experiences to share.

Being Yourself… and Why

It can be sorely tempting to act like Whats-Her-Face because people love that she’s so smart or like That-Girl because she’s a fashionista. There is nothing wrong with working your own smarts or looking good but pushing yourself so out of your element that you feel unnatural is not a good idea. Your personality is yours so be consistent. I personally think everyone can enhance themselves with tips from self improvement that has to do with positive thinking and growth. A smile isn’t fake if you genuinely have reasons to be happy and grateful. It IS fake is you put it on for no other reason but to look like So-and-So when people are looking.

Dig deep and bring out the best in you. Get comfortable with her. Do things to invite people around you instead of hurting them and turning them off with unkind actions. If you’re mindful of others, they’ll be mindful of you.

All in all, being the best you is all you can do and know that it’s always enough. If you want to attract others, think of what’s going on with you. Would you like your own company? Do you contribute to the happy factor in other people’s day? The authentic you is what sticks - change for people and somehow they can sense the fake factor and react accordingly.

Don’t forget - you get to choose good company too!

So how about you? What are some things that people like about you? Surely you know - don’t be shy about sharing!

For more tips of all things YOU, subsribe to InMyHeels and keep up with the goods!

Photos by: Psoup216 and s4n7y

Scott

Vered

Cynthia

Tashya

Two Wishes

A big congrats to these fantastic readers and hey - if you would like a copy of Tim’s book, stop by his site and pick it up!  It’s good - I promise

The questions that you ask yourself and others dictate the kind of life you lead.  When you start to ask different questions, you can start living the life you want to live. 

- Tim Brownson

It’s another Free InMyHeels Giveaway!!!  Head to the bottom of this post to see how you can win a free copy of the book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions?:  There Are No Stupid Questions!!!

What is it that you have swimming around in your mind, preoccupying the space up there and either

a) filling you with joy, strong motivation, and a healthy appetite for life

or

b)  pain striking anxiety, fear, and self doubt? 

What type of questions do you ask yourself?

Are you mostly likely to ask yourself “What can I do to make this great idea happen?!” or “What makes me think that I can do something like that?  Are you most likely to question the timing of a new project or the actual existance of the necessary talent?

So many questions, so valuable your time in this life you live. 

Do you actually get that? 

This LIFE that YOU live!  <– The exclamation point is there because as a mere phrase, “This life that you live” is merely cliche.  But when you think about the fact that your deep happiness or everpresent self dissatisfaction can be tipped either way, you come to realize with excitement (or sheer horror) that its really up to you to do something about it to get it where you’d like it to be!

So the question then is - Where do you start?

The author that I quoted in the beginning of this post is Tim Brownson, the life coach behind the excellent blog that is ADaringAdventure.com and I’ve had the delightful pleasure of reading his book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions:  The Are No Stupid Questions which deeply inspired me to whip up this piece for you.  I’ll be using some of the questions he provides in his book as headlines for some important points you need to hit in your self discovery.  That being said, I highly recommend this book as quality reading for simple tips and questions that help you find EXACTLY what you’re looking for.  You.

Q:  What Fears are Holding You Back From Achieving Your Full Potentional?

Finding Your Answer:  I tell you what.  At face value, that strong resistance you have to change may seem it exists because you’re set in your ways.  You “just like it that way”.  You’re “just good at this anyway so why not stick with it until retirement?” 

…. 

You’re scared witless is what you are and that happens.  After all, you know that box that is your comfort zone?  Well outside of that box seems scary because something is telling you “Hey listen lady.  You know this box.  You’ve mastered this box.  It may not be a fun, really fulfilling box but at least you know what’s coming with this box”

My question is - do you really?  Are you seriously prepared to continue your life in the state of stagnation?  Are you genuinely willing to stunt your growth and a chance of exciting delicious fulfillment because of fear of what MIGHT be?

What is it exactly that you fear?  Tim’s pearl of wisdom here is excellent for helping you discover the answer that you need for the next step.  I quote “Are my fears based in common sense and if so do I need to act accordingly, or is my fear really False Evidence Appearing Real?”

That false evidence is more than enough for many of us to avoid stepping out of the box.  To think that FALSE evidence is getting in the way of the REAL joys of your life.  What are you going to do about that?

Q:  Do You Know What Drives You, What Motivates You, and What Inspires You? 

Finding Your Answer:  The quest for one’s passion is maddening for some, exhilerating for others.  We might forget that as human beings, the mere dynamic of our lives means we may pick up new passions or discover things we never knew we had within us!  Some of us have to do some actual exploring to detect the mere outline of what shapes our passion. 

It’s more than finding out what you want to do professionally. 

It gets really deep into questions like what is that makes you feel good about life?  What fills you with joy?  What REALLY matters to you? 

Do you know what your values are?  In the chapter “Know Your Values” Tim explains that when first asked, most of us - if not all - struggle with answering the question “What are your values?”  Not only is it food for thought, its fuel for life.  If you know what those principles of yours are, it really helps you in the event that different parts of your life clash - thus disturbing your inner peace - because you know what’s important to you and what challenges that.

That would explain that odd feeling you get when you sense that something isn’t right for you but you can’t put your finger on it.  Identify what gets you going to help you get where you’d like to go.

Q:  How Long Are You Spending Feeling Bad About Something You Can’t Influence? 

Finding Your Answer:  Its true- bad things happen that sadden us and affect our state of mind.  Of course you are working on being a positive person however it’s alright to be sad about things that hurt you.  Like Tim says, it’s a normal human reaction.  The problem isn’t in being sad itself.  The problem that some of us face is the length of time we spend on matters that we can’t change by sheer worrying alone.  I know you what what I’m talking about - thinking yourself into a headache, worrying relentlessly about things you cannot change. 

Knowing how much of your mental energy you spend on matters you cannot change is a good thing to know.  With the power of change that you initiate, you can spend some of that time doing something good for yourself.  Noticing how much time you spend pouring negative energy into your life by dwelling on matters that you cannot change can be the first step to alleviating the stress that accompanies it.  Take that and couple it with the decision to decrease your focus on such matters to experience a new found freedom. 

Of course it is important to note that if you are someone who suffers from a chronic state of depression or another mental illness that aggravates and prolongs your deep feelings of sadness, it is so important to seek medical help.  With the proper treatment, you too can use your time for the good things in life that you CAN impact - like your health.

Q:  What Could You View Differently By Accepting That Your Best Is Always Good Enough?

Finding Your Answer:  Craving acceptance something fierce, many of us are plagued with thoughts that we are not enough.  We strive to be super productive while wearing heels (ok, some of us do.  Judge me not.)  and can find ourselves threatened when we compare ourselves with others who seem like they’ve got it all together. 

Now for the fun part.  Let’s entertain, for a moment, the idea that you operate to the best of your ability at any given moment.  Now let’s say that your best is ALWAYS good enough.  What does that change for you?  What liberty does that give you?  Would you dare press on with more challenges knowing that you are indeed capable?  How about that rush of self satisfaction?  Could you treat yourself to a smile because you know you did all that you could and that is a GREAT thing?

Some of us penalize ourselves with every negative thought including the “Not Enough” ones.  It makes us feel unimportant and incapable.  This is why I MUST share this quote with you!

Always Do Your Best.  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret
-  Don Miguel Ruiz

I hate to stop here because these are only a few of the smart questions for self in Tim’s value packed book “Don’t Ask Stupid Questions:  There Are No Stupid Questions“. (I had to resist the urge to share it all with you!)  Written with Tim’s own branded blend of wit and wisdom, this light hearted book helps you answer the heavy questions of your life with its many tips for tackling the matters of our minds.   

If you’ve resonated with any portion of this post, you are sure to really enjoy his book just like I have and so I’m so happy to announce yet another InMyHeels giveaway! 

Five readers shall receive a free copy of Tim’s book!  Simply leave a comment about a positive change or discovery in YOUR life!  What realization or Answer brought you there?

I’ll be choosing my five favorite bits of feedback after the deadline - Saturday, June 7, 2008.  I really look forward to your insights!

To discover more Q&As about your Self and living your best life,

subscribe to InMyHeels.com!  For Free of course!

Photos by:  Ram! and LunaDiRimmel

It’s Memorial Day and I can’t help but bask in memories of my late hubby. Since losing my soldier, I’ve been faced with the rock bottom part of life. You know - the part you have no voluntary interest in seeing. Ever. It’s a year and a half later and to my pleasant surprise, I have experienced not only growth but actually happiness. If you told me that a year ago, I would grant you a blank stare and perhaps a look of pity at your eager hopefulness.

I am living proof to each and every one of these tips as I have experienced the life altering effects of each and every one of them. Perhaps you are in a situation that has brought YOU much sadness, anxiety, depression. Or maybe you’re stuck in the doldrums of life - not really grasping whats so great about it. I believe in living your best life now. So come on - I have to share the goods with you!

Eating Clean

I learned this term in Oxygen Magazine - a leading fitness magazine for women who really workout - and it was coined by Tosca Reno. It’s the cycling of good old advice but in layman’s terms and bright, colorful, motivating pictures and that’s good enough for me. Eating Clean basically means eating foods in their natural form - all the way down to the oranges of your orange juice. The corn syrup, trans-fats, and all that jazz are not only unnecessary, they are energy zapping, blood sugar spiking, spare tire inducing culprits that are found in highly processed food. Now before I continue, please understand that I am a college student on her own who had absolutely no interest in cooking grand dinners every night. I was shocked at the ease and the benefits of Eating Clean. Me - a woman who has to fight many physical and emotional complications of losing the love of her life - am feeling a lot better because of this.

It’s incredible for losing extra fat or building muscle - whatever floats your boat. So typical rules? You stay away from foods that were created in labs. You avoid additives, simple carbs (all the white floured foods) and you stock up on the natural goodness that come from flavor rich foods. And a little secret? I eat vegetables now. Yes, voluntarily. They can actually be good. This is a revelation to me so bear with me will you?

You do this with some regular exercise and you will end up looking at your new, hot bod rather lovingly on a very regular basis. Not that I do that or anything. *chuckles*

I encourage you to try it out. Even some alterations in your daily diet will provide you with some drastic improvements. Remember - a great body is 80% nutrition, 10% exercise, and 10% genes. Yes, really.

Spirituality

I was born and raised a Christian. That all went to the pits the day my husband died. I don’t think it should be legal - the rage I had against God. When people would come to me and say “It all happens for a reason” about my 22 year old hubby - well - lets just say thank goodness no one can hear your thoughts.

All that being said, I’ve begun to explore spirituality a few months ago and I am not only startled by its impact, I find myself hungry for me. Me - again - the same one who would consider punching you in the face if you mentioned anything about faith to me.

Now I am well aware that there are many different practices out there and am not looking to spark a grand debate. Rather, I have to say whether you are religious, spiritual without denomination, whatever it is you do - having something to believe in…having hope for balance and personal peace is by far the greatest gift known to man.

I read an incredible blog about spirituality written by Tom Stine of TomStine.com. He also has many insightful readers. Laugh if you will but it was actually The Secret that got me thinking about life outside of depression again. That led me to many books, audio cds, blogs and eventually back to my roots.. curious about a very different aspect. Less about the politics of religion and more about the connection.

Life saving stuff I must say. I am still a novice but I think that’s a great thing. It’s exciting to lessen strong anxiety with beautiful feelings. It’s exciting to discover hope. Regardless of what your hardship is, it’s exciting to really feel there is more to life than the nonsense you have been dealt. Boy does that feel good.

Quality Relationships

Ok. There is knowing people for the sake of acquaintances and there is KNOWING people.. the ones closest to you. Quality relationships are life savers because when you get past underestimating a loved one’s ability to understand where you stand, you find yourself leaning into love that is healing. Its about actual acceptance of you as is - and vice verse. Have you ever experienced that? Have you ever given a loved one a real chance? Its amazing how long you can go through life cutting people off from the real you. Of course you have your need for privacy and reserve. However, when you are going mad because you are going through something and you can’t share it, you are missing out on the healing effects of a quality friendship .. a quality love.

How about when great things happen? A quality relationship of any sort is with someone who can be genuinely happen for your good fortune without seeking ways to minimize the great thing that just happened. Sometime we stick to people like this because we are used to such undercutting remarks. People like to stick to what they know. So how about you get to know a positive sense of a relationship where the appreciation for you doesn’t stop when you rise from your current position?

The quality relationship continually feeds itself positive, loving energy. It goes both ways. It is supportive, it is appreciative, it is very much alive. Who do you have that with? Don’t forget to Love Them Out Loud.

Me Time

It doesn’t matter if you are Super Woman with energy drinks flowing through her veins instead of blood. Life will continue to happen with or without you. Your circumstances may be tough - whether you solicited it or not - but you need that Me Time. Me Time is the time you relax and enjoy your own company. It’s the time you dive into a blissful self reflection and the world is literally on time out.

Your Me Time is guaranteed to make you more productive than nixxing it ever could. It doesn’t matter how in love you are, how crazy your boss is, how much of a social butterfly you are, or whatever other circumstance you can conjur up. Learn to enjoy your own company. Learn to fall deeply in love with yourself. You radiate a confidence and energy when you get to know yourself. Your neediness (I won’t tell) lessens and the love you give your partner comes from a pure place as opposed to the Land of Save Me From Myself.

A lot of people tell me “You go to the movies alone? SERIOUSLY?! I could never do that”. Little do they know, I have a grand old time. Yes, I will laugh out loud. I will smile at strangers. I will take myself to dinner dolled up if I want to. This is all about learning about How to Be Alone Without Being Lonely (a future post coming soon so subscribe and watch out for it!)

You become a better person, parent, spouse, student, boss, employee - anything - for it. Its true.

Selfless Giving

I was delighted to read this post from Leo of Zen Habits particularly because I strongly believe in the ongoing effects of improving someone’s day by giving a bit of yourself. Whether you gift a dollar or a smile, you can have a strong positive impact on someone’s day and I promise you it feels good.

Many people have no idea what they’ve done for me on very dark days that they didn’t know I was surviving particularly because I plaster my (usually genuine) smile on my face. I’ve learned to do that because wearing misery out in public brought its own complications. For instance, two very close friends of mine drove the 1.5 hours it takes to get to my apartment and barged in to clean it from top to bottom. When depressed, microwaving a tv dinner is hard work let alone manage all the space I have in here. I tried to get rid of them, humiliated that they caught me “not having it together”. One of them spoke gently (surprising because this girl makes you laugh with everything she says!) “JEMi, you don’t have to be embarrassed. Please stop. We love you”

I will never forget such tenderness. It reminds me of the times when I would work with the elderly. Sometimes tears would fill their eyes. I would think .. my coffee is THAT good?! Its the company. It’s the smile. It’s what you can do for someone else without expecting anything back. Its another one of the richest feelings in the world and you are truly robbing yourself of great things by not giving a little bit of a happy you to someone out there.

Recording Your Memories

Pictures, journals, blogs, tape recordings… however you can do it - capture memories that you want to reserve. You’ll have wonderful points to look back to and its strange yet pleasant how strong some of those memories are in pulling you into a happier place. Strive to CREATE beautiful memories. Life hands you enough lemons, don’t you agree? Why not reach out for the blessings it has to offer as well?

You may not be “into” writing. That’s why the cameras or digital recorders work just as well. This life is about you! Look back and enjoy. Look forward and enjoy. Live now and enjoy. It’s an easy way to lift yourself up and .. well.. why would you miss out on that?

Life Saving Gratitude

You tend to hear “Be grateful” alot but do you take a moment to try it out? Especially during some bad moments, when you’re too busy finding things to say “I’m grateful for..” you can’t help but begin to feel better despite your best efforts. That mind of yours.. it’s so powerful, one must respect it enough to feed it the good that counters the bad. You can condition yourself to find things to be appreciative of as opposed to the things that prove life sucks. Even if its “I’m grateful I found that other sock today.. that’s really my favorite pair”. Giggle to yourself and let the words roll through. It will reduce your stress, it’ll guide you to living more consciously, it will feed you even MORE reasons to be grateful, it’ll have you looking for more, and you will just feel good.

For instance - for ME? I am grateful for InMyHeels.com and the fantastic readers that come here. The emails I receive, the engaging and insightful comments, and the wonderful people I meet - not to mention the opportunities that it brings!

Since I heart you all, I encourage you to live your best life. Live with the real wealth that comes with these suggestions. Once you get into it, you wonder what on earth you were doing before - which is fine because thats just one more thing to be grateful about.

Smile. Life can be good.

For more, life improving reading, check out the awesome JonathanMead.com (the man created my logo and I am eternally grateful. Oh.. he can really write too lol), SuccessSoul.com, ADaringAdventure.com, TheGrowingLife.com, and TheNext45Years.com. These are some truly incredible blogs. I would say that - they are some of my favorites. I suppose this little list counts as tip # 8 then. Consider it a loving bonus.

To continue receiving Tips for Life, Love, You that provide more ideas on living the good life, subscribe and keep up InMyHeels.com!

Photos by: Stu Willis and mai lirol poni

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Wouldn’t it be nice, when beginning a new job, for there to be fine print about the type of atmosphere you just got yourself into?  How were you supposed to know that in this shiny new office with freshly sharpened pencils that Miss Thing to the right likes to let the team take the work…all the time.  Or that Miss Thing to your left gossips for breakfast, lunch, and all the snack times in between?

It would be great if we could always get along with all the folks around us.  However, with deep respect for your exasperation with the real life trials in the workplace, I’d love to talk about working amongst difficult folk.  It happens even though you are indeed fabulous.  It’s not your fault that THEY don’t know that.  But for the sake of your peace of mind - and paycheck - let’s discuss

-  Bosses or coworkers that take credit for your work

-  The water-cooler gossipers

-  Rude people and folk who don’t like you for no reason at all

-  The unsupportive spouse

The Credit Thieves:  When Your Boss (or Co-Worker) Presents Your Ideas as Their Own!

Oh no she DIDN’T take your idea, create a mean powerpoint, and slyly smile at the praise from the Suits! 

No that boss of yours did NOT take your idea as his own and not credit you!  The nerve!

Oh, the humanity!!!

This isn’t the part where I teach you how to be CIA-worthy mum on your tasks.  Besides, if those ideas really need to see the light of day, you’re going to have to let them out sometime.  No - you’re going to be smart about this. So
-  Take a breather.  Resentment blares through - it really does.  Your glares, silent treatment, and new high blood pressure won’t alleviate your issue and if your boss catches wind of it, it just may make it worse.  Angry confrontation labels you as a trouble maker.  The silent treatment might label you as “lazy” and “not a team player.  Surely there must be another way!

-  If you’re new and your boss snatched your idea, think of it as racking points.  You become indispensable.  You become that dream employee that, lets face it - saves his neck time and time again - and who is insanely useful.  You make him look good.  Him looking good is good for you.  Why?  Because as your time accrues, so does your value.  So does your ability to request a raise after some time paying your dues. 

-  Here’s a clever thought!  When in a small group discussion, you can slip your fantastic idea in there.  If that idea ever becomes that huge dream gala that she said was too outrageous to pull off, you aren’t the only one who knows where that little piece of genius sprouted from!

-  Some may say slip that idea in your updating notes/emails so that it is documented.  If this works for you (and helps you sleep better at night) then go for it. 

-  If you’re working on an extensive project, it may be wise to document your work.  Why?  Facts like that can’t be disputed.  The point isn’t to humiliate your boss.  It just give you an opportunity to receive validation should a situation arise that you have an opportunity (cutthroat isn’t nice people) to share your findings without the attempt to make someone else (yes, your boss) look bad.

Gossip Girls and The Peanut Gallery

“Haven’t you heard?  Lara on the fifth floor said that YOU were with Phil in the mailroom!  What do you say to that?!”
Gossip is some juicy stuff until you find yourself affiliated in the story.  Not only is it no longer amusing, it can turn outright abusive.  I’ve written on InMyHeels about being gossipped about but I will say this. 
-  Carry yourself in a manner that you are proud to represent regardless of what others say.  You build a well known character that illicits doubt when negative things spread about you.  In the very least, you’re handling it with grace and self respect. You’re going to need that.
- If you can avoid engaging in office gossip, do so.  I hate to point this out because of the insane amount of fun gossiping can give you between cubicles but you somehow become someone else’s daily nightmare when you join in on the ‘fun’.  Thats right - you put a big wet foot in someone’s day.  How about you spend a little JEMi time Digging and Stumbling or emailing InMyHeels posts to your friends?  (Don’t mind my shameless plug haha.  Well actually, please do :-)   )
- Psst!  Take a look at the post I wrote entitled When Gossip Attacks:  You.  It sure is juicy!

The Rude Lady and She Who Does Not Like You.

She slams the filing cabinet shut and walks away … while you were reaching into it.  Her eyes glaze over when you speak at meetings.  She makes you feel this big [ . ] and it bothers you. 

I don’t understand it either - really I don’t.  But I DO know what works.  People like that can be difficult to work with especially if they have their heart set on being that way.  Every single day.

What about She Who Does Not Like You?  Egad!  She might even be both!  We always hear

“You can’t please everyone”
“Not everyone is going to like you”
“Some people are just like that”.

Does that change the fact that you just don’t understand why So-and-So is treating you like you are the enemy?  Absolutely not. In fact, it’s the source of much distress particularly if the person who doesn’t like you is a superior that has a huge fist on whether or not you move up in the company and in pay. :-/

We can always harp on WHY she behaves this way.  Sometimes you’re the youngun who just waltzed into a position, degree in hand but little experience and that can bother those who have been there and paid their dues.  For others, maybe you’re a personal threat. After all - being sharp/witty/beautiful (continue if you must) are characteristics that are generally appreciated … unless the threatened person suspects that you are in competition with her. But then again, she might not like you because you look funny and breathe. Who knows.

In this situation, approaching with consistent courtesy, clarity, politeness, and even random gestures of friendliness in mandatory interactions (ok not only mandatory if you’re feeling inspired with gusto) are all useful.  It’s hard to do those things when you’re peeved at rude folk until you remember one fact.  HER issues are not about you.  They are about her.  You can make it your business to have a diplomatic word with her but in the event that it doesn’t help - and in fact - maybe make your life all the more difficult, I would give the positivity approach first.

What’s going on at home, personality, the fact that the boss berates her, disliking you due to HER own insecurities are all within her realm.  Take a moment to reflect on what that really means because when its just words, its “yeah yeah JEMi”.  But really think about it.  If she is the type to plaster her mood on her face, there is an unhappiness there that you are not part of - but can be if you just fuel the fire.  You can contribute to making her day better by being kind.  Avoid being rude as well especially out of spite.  Be helpful when you can.  This not only builds your character, it is ten times more conducive to a tolerable workplace than silent pen wars are.

Now some people make it a point not to be helpful at all.  You know when that begins to ruin your day?  Allowing that to reflect that persons perceived value of who you are.   “If I were more important…”  is a prime example of words some people think when faced by these types.  Rather, you can just recognize that this individual is not concerned with spreading good karma and see what you can do. 

If kindness and an appeal to the human side won’t help, please don’t utilize angry slurs in the workplace.  It’s bad form.  After a chat with her directly, perhaps a superior will at least help you get basic functions done.  You’re there to work.  A friend would be nice but if its not the right time right now?  Well -  you’re still fabulous.

 
The Unsupportive Spouse or Partner

No, I’m not going to call your loved one difficult.  Rather, this is a very difficult situation  (you like that?  ha, me too) because trying to follow your dreams while the love of your life isn’t rooting for you is bad for your morale.  So there are several things to consider when you’re attempting to make your moves - AND not suddenly be single.

-  Your Priorities Show Through Your Actions:  Is your spouse or partner unsupportive because he thinks you’re an untalented wretch that used to be adorable when she sang or is it because you disappear 3 or 4 days at a time?  Have you given that any thought?  Do you know the answer?  Find out!  It makes all the difference!  Resentment can build when your words say “I love you” and your actions say “You are in my way.”  Sometimes it’s not your fault that you are required to relinquish a lot of time.  This is why its that much more important to suck it up and provide that reassurance that those who support us need.  Of course you’re tired.  But be tired in his arms instead of shooting him glares of contempt for existing for the next ten minutes.  Make the extra effort so that your partner knows he’s appreciated.  This goes for both women and men because it doesn’t matter - no one likes to feel like the obligatory responsibility in your life. 

-  What Are the Fears?:  What is your partner against?  A dangerous job?  Less time at home?  That you will stop bringing home the bacon?  You’d be surprised how people take screaming at the top of their lungs are communicating.  An honest conversation with mutual respect well intact can help you work through the murky waters of a heated debate.  Sometimes a compromise is in order.  Sometimes you are going to have to step back and see the bigger picture.  And if YOU see - and your partner doesn’t - well you can start getting to work showing him what that bigger picture looks like.  Pretend he is cursed with no imagination and take small, solid steps towards your goal that don’t include throwing him out.  See, people who loves us don’t want us to lose everything based on a whim.  But if you’ve got some solid goods to show - consistency and actions - you just might win that heart over all over again.

Alright.  I’m going to have to say it -

How Do YOU Contribute to the Good or the Bad In Your Days?

Sometimes, when we just running the mill daily, we lose track of our feelings.  We begin to live passively.  Unfortunately, those feelings scream bloody murder in the face of others - particularly those around you.  Do you play a part in the difficulties your work life presents? 

-Snatching the file (BACK!  I know she did it first) contributes to a difficult work day.
-Telling your spouse he’s a cad only makes him feel like he’s proving his point and contributes to a difficult work/home life.
-  Taking part in gossip then having to be confronted by a boss (embarassing) contributes to a difficult work day. 
- WORKING SOMEPLACE YOU KNOW YOU DON’T BELONG BECAUSE IT REEKS OF NEGATIVITY contributes to a difficult work life!

Do what you can to survive your environment until you are well equipped to place yourself in a better one.  In the meantime - don’t be passive.  Contribute to a better work environment.  Be the reason someone else likes to go to work..at least a little bit.

Not only does it come back to you, it relieves some of the grit of the daily grind.

Here’s to better work days and a happier you!

Link You May Love:  The Daily Mind - a blog dedicated to making the daily grind more meaningful. 

How do you deal with difficult people in the workplace?  Any horror stories and/or happy endings?  Your tips are very welcome too!

 Want more tips for the tough stuff the days can bring? 

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Photos by:  Ram! and Simon Pais-Thomas