Dale Sadler - Counselor, Author, Speaker

Review of Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 31 May 2012 11:00:00 +0000

This isn't my normal type of book, but I heard one of the stories in a podcast and decided to check it out.

The book’s sub-title in 2010 was “A Modest Bestiary.” This in no way summarizes the actual contents. However, the sub-title in 2012 reads, “A Wicked Bestiary.” This is much more descriptive of this work that could also be labeled The Twilight Zone for Animals.

In Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, Sedaris works to illustrate the dark side of humans through the normal or not-so-normal behaviors of animals. In some of these short stories they are going about their business as normal rodents, mammals, and amphibians but in others they hold jobs like journalist and philanthropist.

Through the animals you see what we as humans would be capable of if we allowed our most basic of instincts to come out. The book is not comical (unless you enjoy the morose) nor is it a collection of tales designed to teach a moral lesson. Rather, Sedaris very cleverly shows the apathetic, selfish, and even ignorant dimensions of humans through the irony of the animal world that says, “eat or be eaten.”

REVIEW: The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 24 May 2012 06:00:00 +0000

The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is a self-help book written for people who are nervous, cry easily, and can’t seem to handle situations that most endure with ease. Be informed that HSP is not an actual medical condition found in the DSM (mental disorders handbook) but rather a personality trait that Aron has heavily researched and defined herself.

Much of the book references Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist whose work typically has the final say in all things regarding personality. Aron relies heavily on Jung using his concepts as a springboard to define her own theory. This weakened the book. Her description of spiritual experiences by HSP’s was lost on me, and unless you have visions of little people at the foot of your bed who speak to you via telepathy, you may be lost too.

There are some strengths as Aron works to help struggling individuals frame their lives and redefine a weakness as an asset. Aron talks a lot about how the brain works and how you can manage overstimulation, enabling you to step out of your comfort zone and be who you want to be. She helps you consider your childhood, school experience, and family of origin to see where this sensitivity may have originated. She lays out typical high stress scenarios and gives advice on how to handle them. Finally, she gives advice on speaking to doctors, using prescribed medications, and working with therapists. It is a comprehensive book, but maybe a little too much so.

Four Things That Can Help You Have A Happy Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 17 May 2012 06:00:00 +0000

Couples can become frustrated, confused, and disenchanted with their marriage because managing daily life is difficult and not a fairytale. Spouses who get in a rut tend to focus on what's wrong and neglect to do what's right. Sometimes the answer for the marriage is to do the opposite: ignore what's wrong (if possible) and start focusing on more positive actions to build the marriage. Here's a place you can start: Click here to read the rest at Marriage Helper 911.

Questions to Ask Your Spouse or Soon to Be Spouse

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 14 May 2012 06:00:00 +0000

I have seen a couple of lists in the last month regarding questions to ask your spouse or soon to be spouse. I thought they were worth mentioning here. These are good ideas as they look to re-establish conversation when it has probably waned over the years.

“50 Questions to Ask Your Spouse On A Date Night”

100 Questions to ask Before You Say I Do is by Susan Piver and can be purchased at Amazon.

Here, a friend of mine lists "Four Questions that Every Husband Should Ask His Wife Once In A While" and "Four Questions Every Wife Should Ask Her Husband."

While you are employing these discussion starters, be open-minded and practice listening skills such as head nodding and repeating back to the other person what they have said. Both of these show the speaker you're listening and encourage them to continue.

May Time Magazine Cover: Right or Wrong

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 10 May 2012 22:44:00 +0000

Is there such a thing as too much parenting? Yes. It's called enmeshment and can keep a child from developing into a self-sufficient human being. A child should be close to his parent. A child should feel safe and loved. However, should a three, four, or even a six year old continue to breast feed? According to the latest Time magazine cover, yes.

The things that a parent who practices attachment parenting wants to accomplish can be done at earlier ages such as infancy and don't need to be prolonged for the desired benefits of closeness to take hold. Also, nourishment can be gleaned from regular food. I don't treat my seven year old like I do my three year old. They have different needs. Attachment parenting keeps toddlers and young children in a overly dependent state for longer than necessary.

There has been lots of talk about how extended breastfeeding is natural and biological. Well, just because something can be done doesn't mean that it should or that "society" will approve. I'm not always for doing what society wants, but society, by its general nature, strives to do what is ultimately best for all involved. I think that limiting the amount of time a child depends on his mother's milk is one of those. A second would be getting the child in his own bed at an early age.

I like what this article says:

I’m curious, though, whether [attachment parenting] has been validated in research studies. A quick Medline search of the term “attachment parenting” yielded many studies showing that kids who don’t form strong attachments to their parents are worse off than those who do, but none that I saw that actually tested the precepts of attachment parenting like co-sleeping and prolonged breastfeeding.

Also, what happens to a couple’s sex life when baby makes three in bed? And where’s the fine line between being an attached parent and becoming one of those nuisance helicopter parents that kids try to escape by heading across country to college?

Well said. Read the article in its entirety here.

My Parental Thoughts On "Looking for Alaska" by John Green

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 09 May 2012 21:57:00 +0000

My son's soon to be high school (in 7 years) recently was told by its board of education to pull the book, Looking for Alaska from an English class because of its racy content. Having read excerpts, I wouldn't want my high schooler reading it. However, let us not be so blind to think that teenagers don't know what sex is. Also, let us not be so ignorant to think that large portions of teens aren’t having sex. They are. Not the majority, but they are.

One person said this in the Tennessean article, “Where I hesitate and get concerned is when one parent is making the decision for every student in the class.” I agree to an extent. We are free in this country and can work to change things in ways that we deem best. I suppose I can say this gladly because I’m on the winning side of this one. I hate it when the “squeaky wheel” gets its way too, but in this situation, it sounds like more than just one noisy parent. But even if it is, once one has spoken out and changed it, why does anyone else need to say anything?

Looking for Alaska may be for educational purposes but that doesn't mean I have to allow my child to read it. I wouldn't let my child watch a teen sex scene on TV (which would be considered illegal child pornography) so why would I allow him to read this book? I don't care how much the book draws on an “awkward, un-fun, disastrous and wholly un-erotic scene." I appreciate Green's other intended message that he said was "physical intimacy can never stand in for emotional closeness" but I can teach this moral lesson to my son just fine. Green could have gotten the same message across with less explicit language but I suppose we wouldn’t be talking about it now would we? Also, it’s a basic principle that literature is art and sometimes art offends.

It also seems hypocritical that we work to preach abstinence to teens and then allow them to read something that will do nothing but cause huge amounts of sexual frustration. Boys especially are thinking about sex, a lot. Do you actually believe a seventeen-year-old boy will be able to read the passage, separate the physical act from the social commentary and then engage intellectually with the rest of the class, having no thought of his girlfriend or the attractive blonde sitting next to him? Get real, people! Why put him through this?

I know some parents have a different view than me and put their children on birth control because “they are just going to do it anyway.” Well, this in no way teaches boundaries or self-control; two incredible qualities to possess. In fact, it's a free pass to do whatever one wants. Should contraception be taught? Sure, but not without discussing clear guidelines regarding your family’s values towards abstinence and premarital-sex. Babies come from sex and disease can come from multiple partners. This will definitely be “learned in college” the hard way if a teen isn’t prepared.

What bothers me more about this whole issue is hidden from plain sight. Inherent in this issue is the divide between teens and parents. All too often parents reach out and grasp at air when trying to stop their teen from destructive behavior. They have waited too long and have allowed a gulf to separate them. By the late teen years, the expanse is so great that the parent has little to no influence over the child. How tragic.

When a person says, "Teens should be allowed to read the book” they are assuming that the teen has the final say over what he/she does. This is what is wrong with adults today. Adults believe that a teen can find her own way. That she can take care of herself. I’ve seen too many girls destroy themselves to believe this is good parenting. I’ve seen too many girls who needed to be dragged out of their drug dealer’s house to think that a teen or for that matter a good-intentioned adult can take care of my child better than me. Whether it's in relationships, personal behavior, or even literature, a teen should not have the final say in what he does. If he did, parents wouldn’t be needed.

There will be struggles, rebellion and lots of rolled eyes from the teen but it is our job to lead them and help them take on values that we believe will get them through life. It’s my child; not the school’s. Also, if this means skipping a book, so be it. There’s plenty more to read.

Are You Too Far Gone In Your Marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 07 May 2012 23:00:00 +0000

Survey: How do you prefer to follow blogs?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Tue, 01 May 2012 22:38:00 +0000

With all the media that is out there, you have to sort it somehow and have it funneling to you in an efficient manner. I prefer RSS but am always perplexed at the blogs that don't even have this function. If you follow blogs, how do you prefer to have that information brought to you? Check out the survey on my blog and vote!

Nagging: A Girl's BFF?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 23:00:00 +0000

Wives, I bet when you nag your husband he totally loves you more with every cutting remark. When you first see him after work I bet he would rather hear you talk about the smell of the dirty dog than get a hug. Am I right? No, of course not, but some wives totally act like my ridiculous examples.

A lot of voice is given to men and where we mess up. Anger, addictions, poor communication skills, but nagging is the area a woman can fail miserably. Are you pleasant to be with? Do you want to have a happy husband? Nagging won’t get you there.

We often don’t think of our behavior, and this is why I have a job as a counselor. People do things that aren’t good for them. Wives, I challenge you today to look at what you do to your husband when nagging and ask, “What’s it like to be married to me?” If the answer isn’t in your favor in regards to nagging, here are some other things to consider.

Why do women nag? Maybe it’s because that’s what they saw their mother’s do. It was the example they had and now they are, “becoming like their mothers.” As hard as some may fight it, ending up like our parents is inevitable unless we work diligently to maximize their positive traits and minimize their negative. If your mother was a real brow beater to your dad, chances are you may end up that way too.

Nagging is a form of complaining and this is somewhat human. If we see something we don’t like, what do we do? We talk about it, but this does not change it. In nagging to complain are you trying to get your husband to do something? Buy new cabinets? Fix the bathroom window? If you want something to be changed, talk to your husband about it. Don’t nag for two weeks and then get upset when you think he should have followed through with what your incessant nagging was trying to get across to him.

Do you nag at your husband in order to try and change him? Do you constantly bring up his shortcomings in public? In front of family and friends? There’s nothing more emasculating than this. Think he’s not much of a man, nag him, and he will become even less of one. If you are concerned about your husband, don’t tear him down. Talk to him about your worries, set some goals (weight, cholesterol levels, work ethic, etc) and encourage him. Berating him verbally may have been what his mother did to get him to clean his room during his teen years. “You are such a slob!” It wasn’t good parenting then and it’s not good spousal dialogue now.

Nagging builds resentment, not bridges or good communication. Proverbs 27:15 says, “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike . . . .” Imagine a person in the rain with no available shelter. What do they do? They continue whatever it is they’re doing. No shelter, just getting wet and miserable. Is your nagging like a continuous down pour? Your husband, if he’s committed, will put up with it but he won’t be happy. Eventually however he may leave because, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Proverbs 21:19) This is why men work late, watch a lot of TV, stay in their shop, and dread going home. It’s not a pleasant place.

Men, if you are concerned about your wife’s nagging, talk to her about it. She’s not happy about something. Help her find peace and happiness through your guidance and love.

Podcasts and Blogs: My Favorite 12

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 22:48:00 +0000

How can you get interesting and enriching entertainment? How can you get daily encouragement when you need it? How can you find the answers you are looking for in an easy to accomplish manner? Two words: Podcasts & Blogs. Who has time to read lengthy books? Not many of us. Podcasts and blogs (from authors you’ve thought about reading) are excellent ways to feed your spirit and your funny bone.

If you find a blog you like, subscribe to it via RSS (Real Simple Syndication). This is the little icon that looks like a wireless Internet symbol. You can have articles emailed to you, but I prefer a reader such as Google Reader that is directly on my homepage. I keep it away from the hundreds of emails I get each week, and I can easily see exactly what I want to read. You can also subscribe to many blogs via Twitter and Facebook. Who do I read? Below is a list of the blogs I follow.

In Search for More – This is my blog. You're probably reading this on it right now. Even though I write it, I like to see it in the various places that my actual subscribers are seeing it too. If you want to learn how to be a better parent and/or spouse, check out my blog where I write about this stuff. Subscribe at www.insearchformore.com
The Disney Parks Blog – We have a trip coming up in October to the House of the Mouse, and I’m keeping up with what’s going on through their blog. I know when the new attractions will open and I even find out about travel tips. www.disneyworld.com
Instrument Rated Theology – This is a blog written by Paul Smith, a doctoral student at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA. He is also a minister in the Church of Christ, and I stumbled upon his blog when doing a little research. I liked his review of a book so much that I purchased it to use in an adult Bible class and have since been reading his views on having a Christian worldview. Subscribe at www.instrument-rated-theology.com
Musings on Spiritual Matters – This blog is written by my good friend and confidant, Matthew Morine. He too is a doctoral student but at Harding Graduate School of Religion. Originally from Nova Scotia, Canada, Matthew brings insight into the Lord’s work that can easily be missed by some. Subscribe at www.MatthewMorine.com
Social Mouths – With the increase in the use of social media there are people teaching others how to maximize its potential. Francisco Rosales’ articles are well written, well-illustrated, and extremely practical. I credit the work of Rosales with me getting two Kindle books published. It was his easy to read article that showed me how to do this in one afternoon. Subscribe at www.socialmouths.com

Podcasts are also a favorite media of mine. I primarily listen for entertainment but there are others that can help with personal growth as well. Most all podcasts are free and can be subscribed and/or listened to through iTunes. You can also Google them for their respective sites. Here are the ones I listen to when I’m not listening to an audio book (another favorite past-time).

Freakonomics Radio – If you’re a fan of the books, subscribe to this podcast. If you’ve not read the books yet, do so, and then subscribe. Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner are the hosts of this podcast that can be anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes long. Learn why your house’s false alarms have a hidden cost and why the president of the United States has a lot less power than you think. Levitt is an economist so he looks at things a little differently than most people and Dubner is an award-winning author. Their synergy is what makes the show so enjoyable, not to mention the curve ball they throw you on a lot of topics.
A Prairie Home Companion’s News from Lake Wobegon – I’m not readily able to listen to the entirety of Garrison Keilor’s show, but I can listen to its most famous segment. Keilor started his "old-fashioned" radio variety show in Nashville, TN and he continues to carry the nostalgic theme well in a post-modern world.
Focus on the Family: Focus on Marriage – Dr. James Dobson has done a lot of work in the name of families, and this short yet insightful podcast can improve your marriage in no time. In the podcast, experts are interviewed on a variety of marital topics so there's no shortage of information. Typically one large recording spans over several podcasts so you receive tidbits of information that are easy to digest.
The Moth Podcast – “Stories told live without notes.” Authors, actors, and everyday people tell stories that are funny or life changing or both. Very entertaining and quick with most shows being less than 15 minutes.
NPR: Live Concerts from All Songs Considered – Recorded concerts from clubs, music festivals, and even from behind the desk at the NPR studios. If you like live music and want to hear some cool jams, subscribe. Through this podcast I discovered the music of First Aid Kit, Kat Edmonson, and I rediscovered Jakob Dylan (Bob Dylan’s son and former front man for the Wallflowers). Very eclectic in their choice of other performers including the Soweto Gospel Choir.
This American Life – Journalist Ira Glass weaves a narrative of stories, typically in four acts, that are designed to make you think, care, and wonder about the world we live in. Unlike talk-radio, they don’t spend hours discussing what most people forgot about two weeks ago. Instead, they have stories that are good sometimes for no other reason than they are interesting. Although, relevancy is also a typical characteristic. Its popularity has grown to a TV show and they are working on an event that will be broadcast live in theaters across the country.
The Truth – My newest subscription. “. . . a contemporary re-imagining of what audio drama is and can be . . . .” That’s right! They are working to revive one of the oldest forms of entertainment to go across the airwaves; radio drama. There are no story arcs that I’ve found. Just good short prose that captures the imagination because it is well written and true to life.

Parenting Advice: How to Enjoy Your Well-Behaved Child

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:00:00 +0000

Parents talk a lot about their child who misbehaves, and why shouldn’t they? Have you ever seen a website devoted to getting help with your well-behaved child? Probably not, but I believe it’s a subject worth writing about. A well-behaved child is often an overlooked child, particularly if they have siblings who act out and take most of the parents’ attention. Here are some things to keep in mind when you have a child who is a proverbial “good” kid.

Read the rest of the article . . . .

Do You Have A Christian Worldview or Is It American?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 13:22:00 +0000

I often wonder whether or not Jesus would be proud of what most Americans consider good about our country. In comparison to His day, we live in massive homes, eat better than the richest of bible days, and leisure activities abound. WWJD?

I believe our country was founded on Christian values. There are too many references to God in our early days to deny this. Watch this video on YouTube for more. However, is everything a good red-blooded American does, Christian? Of course not, but the line between what is American and what is Christian can be blurred, and if we are not careful, we could move further and further away from the Bible in the name of America.

The following paragraphs are from a blog entitled, Instrument Rated Theology by Paul Smith and illustrates well my thoughts on Jesus and America much better than I could say them. I don't agree with everything the author says on his blog but I think the following points are worth considering for those who truly want a Christian worldview.

_________________________________________________________________________________

From his post entitled, "Towards Developing A Christian Worldview"

"Why have we lost a Christian world view? At least in America I would have to say that one of the chief reasons is that for too long we have equated 'Americanism' with Christianity. If America did it, it was Christian, because we are a Christian nation. . . . . . The Constitution is quoted as much, if not more, than the Bible, and often people do not recognize the difference. The Bible has been wrapped in the American flag, and a Christian world view has been replaced by a distinctly cultural one."

From his post entitled, "Losing the American Worldview"

If we are not careful, "Jesus becomes a pistol toting, placard wearing, union loving, scientific thinking free market capitalist. Truth is he was none of those things. He was a 'pre-modern' Jew in a Roman backwater country where bartering was the primary method of exchange and freedom of speech meant you could say anything you wanted as long as you praised the Caesar and the Jewish High Priest. John Wayne was American to the core. Jesus of Nazareth was not."

_________________________________________________________________________________

May we use the blessings God has given us in this country to further His purpose, but may we not confuse ALL that we do as Americans with the will of our Creator.

PODCAST: Is Your Wife Controlling You?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 11:36:00 +0000

I enjoyed talking with Rod Precise on the Son Brother Husband Father Show about my work as a counselor and about my article, "Is Your Wife Controlling You?" Listen to the show here and be sure to check out some of their other podcasts as they work to encourage men to live strong, healthy lives for themselves and their families.

BOOK REVIEW: Rescue Your Love Life by Cloud & Townsend

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 22:07:00 +0000

The book’s subtitle is, Changing the 8 Dumb Attitudes & Behaviors that Will Sink Your Marriage. Cloud and Townsend talk a great deal about their work with clients and how this man or woman (or both) was doing or thinking something “dumb” and how this dumb thing was ruining their marriage. The authors then relay the practical suggestions they gave to their struggling clients.

Being a counselor myself I really questioned this method of writing. Did they ask their clients (and friends) to sign a release? I didn't research this aspect of their book but I wonder. The recall of the precise session makes me question the authenticity of Jane and Rick (or whoever), but I could be wrong. I write about things that come up in sessions but I don't say, "the other day, Michael, Stephanie, and I were in session." I suppose they could change the names easily enough. My friends think I analyze them already so I tend to stay away from such writing styles.

Their tactic of offering good advice is easy to understand but the suggestions are not always easy to employ. Behavior change can be the answer to most problems in a marriage, but this plan forgets the ingredients of bitterness, betrayal, or any number of problems with the heart. Cloud and Townsend do address these deeper matters as they relay discussions with clients. However, if you or your spouse has other issues, getting help for these may also be in order. The behavior changes suggested in the book are a good start but they may not be enough unless your situation is exactly like the examples in the book.

This is not a book that's going to move you to act unless you are already there, but it is good for enrichment if you want to improve things. It would also be good for a Bible study class although their references about marriage and family in scripture are nothing new. If you are going through some serious issues with your spouse, and counseling is needed, this book would be a good supplement to that type of work as well.

Overall, I enjoyed the book as I listened to two experienced counselors lay things out in a way that I probably would in similar situations with clients. If you are struggling with what seem to be simple things in your marriage, this is a great place to turn for practical, no-nonsense advice. But if you think you need more, seek that help first.

Purchase this book from Amazon. (Paperback edition)

Purchase this book on the Kindle.

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CEU Credit on the topic of Self-Injury

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 11:01:00 +0000

New training offered by Renewed Vision Counseling Services, an NBCC approved training for 1 hour of clock credit with access to the material for 45 days.

In this podcast, Dale discusses self-injury with Susan Bowman, counselor and co-author of titles such as 102 Creative Strategies for Working with Depressed Children/Adolescents and Breaking Free: A Memoir of A Teenage Runaway.

Visit Renewed Vision Training and click on Podcasts.

Dale can speak to your parent group, school, or organization about this topic. Contact him for more information.

CEU Credit on the Topic of Eating Disorders

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:02:00 +0000

New training offered by Renewed Vision Counseling Services, an NBCC approved training for 1 hour of clock credit with access to the material for 45 days.

In this podcast, Dale discusses eating disorders with Licensed Professional Counselor, Kay Arnold. Find out the cultural and psychological ramifications of food and how it affects children, teens, and adults.

Visit Renewed Vision Training and click on Podcasts.

Dale can speak to your parent group, school, or organization about this topic. Contact him for more information.

CEU Credit on the Topic of ADHD in Children and Adults

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 13:00:00 +0000

New training offered by Renewed Vision Counseling Services, an NBCC approved training for 1 hour of clock credit with access to the material for 45 days.

In this podcast, Dale discusses ADHD with Dr. Steve Johnson, of Tennessee Pediatrics in Hendersonville, TN. Listen as they discuss ADHD in children, adults and what can be done to ensure the success of both.

Visit Renewed Vision Training and click on Podcasts.

Dale can speak to your parent group, school, or organization about this topic. Contact him for more information.

CEU Credit on the Topic of Bullying

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 02:34:00 +0000

New training offered by Renewed Vision Counseling Services, an NBCC approved training for 1 hour of clock credit with access to the material for 45 days.

In this episode, Dale discusses bullying with Susan Bowman. Susan is a counselor and co-author of 102 Creative Strategies for Working with Depressed Children & Adolescents and Breaking Free: A Memoir of A Teenage Runaway.

Visit Renewed Vision Training and click on Podcasts.

Movie Titles for Counseling

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 01:41:00 +0000

I have another movie to add to my list of relationship enrichment titles. To see the list in its entirety, visit here.

Crazy Stupid Love starring Steve Carrel and Ryan Gosling. The Plot: A middle-aged husband's life changes dramatically when his wife asks him for a divorce. He seeks to rediscover his manhood with the help of a new-found friend Jacob, learning to pick up girls at bars. (www.imdb.com) What can you get out of it? If you're a married man, you can learn that maintaining some level of attractiveness is important to your wife and to the spice in your marriage. There's another good lesson for single men, but I can't tell it here. Might ruin the movie. It has a great ending, and don't let the plot description keep you from watching it. There really are some good lessons.

Go Ahead and Be Selfish In Your Marriage. Really!

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 10:00:00 +0000

In marriages, there are givers and there are takers. There’s a little of both in all of us but naturally we may favor one over the other. The trick is to make sure your giving and your taking are in balance. Well, in this article I am encouraging you to be a taker. Take time for yourself and you can improve your marriage.

First, communicate your needs with your spouse. We become frustrated with our spouse, sometimes for an unknown reason even to us, and conflict begins. More often than not, we are frustrated because a need of ours is not being met. What needs do you have that are not being met?

Willard F. Harley Jr. in his book Fall In Love Stay In Love lists ten needs that all people have. What are your top five? (Admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment) Which are not being met? Which do you need to ask for? Your spouse, if he/she doesn’t know, can’t act upon what you need.

Secondly, work on yourself for your marriage. All too often a jaded spouse will point the finger at the other. “If you’d change, things would be so much better” you may say. A wife nags or a husband withdraws and this does not encourage change of any kind from the other. What should you do? Think of yourself and what you need to change. If you want more intimacy in your marriage, be intimate. If you want more honesty in your marriage, be honest. If you want to do more fun things with your spouse, set up times to do this.

This sounds difficult, and it is, because for a while you will be carrying a lot of the burden. However, as you become the spouse you want to be, your better-half will begin becoming the spouse you desire. Find support in trusted friends. Get connected with them and have them pray for you. “For God, who said, ‘Light shall shine out of darkness . . . .’” (2 Corinthians 4:6) Someone has to lead the way. Someone has to begin to change. Think of yourself and begin that change today. Lead your family, as Christ would have you.

Third, be happy with yourself. Many spouses look to one another for happiness and this is a good source. However, if there are things in your life that you struggle with, your spouse may not be able to overcome what you feel. The answer? Think of yourself and how you can be happy. What do you need to work on? This is typically a spiritual question? By being happy with yourself, you will exude a confidence that your spouse will find both appealing and inspiring.

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The Emotional Effects of Video Games on Boys

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 01:13:00 +0000

New training offered by Renewed Vision Counseling Services for parents who need help and counselors who need continuing education credits ( CEU .)

There is a link between boys who play video games all night, care little about their grades, and are content to live with their parents well into adulthood. In this session, Dale explains the deeply rooted emotional effects video games have on boys and why apathy is more than just a phase. He covers all sorts of games from the educational to the most violent. Video game addiction is also discussed. The session ends with ways you can help your son or client turn from the games and towards a more productive lifestyle.

This training is good for parents since it contains practical advice. It is also good for counselors who need continuing education credits. It is an NBCC approved training for 2 hours of clock credit. Once purchased, you will have access to the material for 45 days. Visit Renewed Vision Training and click on Marriage and Family.

Dale can speak to your parent group, school, or organization about this issue. Contact him for more information.

28 Days to A Better Marriage: Advice on how to have the relationship with your spouse that you've always wanted.

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 10:53:00 +0000

In 28 Days to A Better Marriage, Dale handles a variety of topics in a direct way to expedite the healing and empowerment that so many marriages need. The twenty-eight chapters are brief, enabling the reader (husband or wife) to glean useful information in short steps, moving both spouses towards a better understanding of one another and of themselves.

Through Dale's experience as a marriage counselor, he has learned that most couples in distress make the same mistakes. Twenty-Eight Days holds within its pages the basic knowledge and tactics that marriages need to thrive.

$0.99 on Amazon or FREE for Amazon Prime Members.

How Nicholas Sparks Can Save Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 18:21:00 +0000

When working with clients, I need them to understand a deep concept. I explain it to them, but I know that if they can observe it, the effect will be much greater. So, I suggest a movie. Part of counseling is offering insight so the client can identify what they need or don’t need to do, thereby enabling them to grow in a positive direction. A well-suggested movie can be a masterful tool for this. Here are five movies that are entertaining and enlightening.

As Good As It Gets, starring Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt, and Greg Kinnear. It won seven Academy Awards in 1997! The Plot: Helen Hunt’s character is a waitress with a sick son and Jack Nicholson’s character struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Hunt must quit work, which sends Nicholson’s world crashing because she was his favorite waitress. Through helping Kinnear’s character, Nicholson works to endear himself to Hunt as a romantic suitor. His bumbling is funny and her struggle is endearing. What can you get out of it? Nicholson works to be better than he is in order to win Hunt’s heart. All men should work to be better for their wives, otherwise we are just knuckle-dragging gorilla’s who take occasional showers.

The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. The Plot: Over fifteen years of marriage, Willis’ and Pfeiffer’s characters experience great, alienating difficulties that all couples can identify with; kids, jobs, and failed attempts to join emotionally. What can you get out of it? I often say that Willis and Pfeiffer are fighting to stay together because nobody does that much fighting over something they don’t care about. In other words, you're fighting may be an indication of how much you care. You just need to learn how to focus that caring in positive ways. The movie can help you see the behaviors you are engaging in that keep the arguments in and the connecting out.

Blue Valentine, starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The Plot: “The film centers on a contemporary married couple, charting their evolution over a span of years by cross-cutting between time periods.” (www.imdb.com) Thematically, it’s stirring and intense because it deals with real issues. No vampires, no Manhattan apartments, and no happily ever after. It shows, true to form, how a middle-America couple goes from idealistic love, to reality, and then working to find a way to make their marriage work among the trials of daily life. What can you get out of it? A very real glimpse into what young couples go through today. The movie has a strange ending, but I believe it ends at the beginning of a new start for them. It may be a new start for you. Read more of my thoughts on this movie.

Sling Blade, starring Billy Bob Thornton and Dwight Yoakam. The Plot: “Karl Childers, a simple man hospitalized since his childhood murder of his mother and her lover, is released to start a new life in a small town.” (www.imdb.com) What can you get out of it? This movie shows patterns of family violence and how it can affect those in and outside of the home. It also provides a good look at what a caring man can do for a young boy. If someone is in denial of being physically or emotionally violent, this movie can open their eyes.

Dear John, starring Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried. (Novel by Nicholas Sparks). Probably the manliest romance I’ve ever seen. The Plot: Tatum’s character is in the military and has had a difficult life in losing his mother and dealing with his unique father. He falls for a southern girl while on leave. What can you get out of it? Lots of flashbacks paint a realistic picture of what some boys go through in dealing with difficult family situations. This movie will help you see how important a father’s relationship is to his son and that you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic to win your wife. You just have to love and protect her. Read more about what we can learn from the men and women in romance movies/novels.

If your marriage is struggling, I hope you can glean something from the movies above. After watching them, discuss with your spouse what you saw in the movie that can help you grow. Don’t point out faults by saying, “I saw you in that dead-beat.” This isn’t helpful. Instead, allow yourself and your spouse to see your own faults then discuss these with phrases like, “I know that sometimes I act like him/her.” Then in response, confirm or clarify what your spouse says with the intent to bring about growth in your relationship, not blame. This may be a difficult exercise for some, so allow time for the movie to process and come together later to discuss it, always with the goal of understanding one another better.

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The Nothing In Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:10:00 +0000

When couples experience conflict, I often hear one of the spouses say, “I didn’t do anything,” or they might ask their spouse as you probably have, “What did I do this time?” This carries the idea that you actually have to DO something to be in trouble with your better half. Not so. There’s the absence of behavior that actually drives husbands and wives crazy.

Remember “The Nothing” in the movie, The Never Ending Story? It was eating away at an imaginative world called Fantasia. I remember as a child trying to grasp the idea of a Nothing; a black empty space that is after you. It was very terrifying to me at the time and is still pretty spooky. When a couple argues and resolves the issue there’s a peace that takes over. When nothing is happening, when there’s no spark, and when two supposedly loving people are void of anything meaningful, The Nothing is taking over, slowing devouring your relationship. This is most hurtful because it’s so hard to recognize. It’s nothing, remember? What is the nothing in your marriage?

“We do Nothing together.” You enjoyed doing things early in your marriage. Why has this changed? If it’s a lack of time you should look at moving some things around because time with your spouse is more important than anything else. Is it a money issue? Time spent together doesn’t have to be a weekend trip. It can simply be an hour or two (when the kids go to bed) at least every other night. The regular connections will make the biggest difference.

When your schedule does call for a weekend trip or evening on the town, what keeps you from this? Do you have different tastes? As a married couple we are supposed to do things with our spouse just because they enjoy it. This is a good time to compromise. If she picks the movie, he gets to pick the restaurant. It’s a win-win situation. Some couples can’t make it this far because, “she’ll just want to see a romance.” Well, if you’re saying this, you could probably learn something from the man in the story. Doing nothing didn’t win her. Have you forgotten? It’s about making her happy. Trust me, it’s your path to happiness too.

“He/She says Nothing to me.” Why? Does she talk all day to her co-workers? Humans have only so many words they use in a day and if they’ve been talking all day for work purposes, their brains are pretty spent by the evening. On the other hand, some people aren’t talkers and don’t enjoy it as much. In either case, your spouse is worth talking to. What should you talk about? You talk about your day. What you thought of the movie. What you’re going to do this weekend. You talk to your children about their day. You discuss your goals, hopes, dreams, and even frustrations. These conversations give us a window into the lives of our loved ones, enabling us to connect.

We’re separate from each other all day long and we want to know what happened. Don’t look at it like an ATM machine. Just because you ask, “what happened today” doesn’t mean a flood of answers is going to come out. Instead, the natural flow of conversation should allow thoughts and then words to surface during the course of the evening; particularly over dinner. If you’re not eating at the dinner table regularly, don’t expect conversation to be easy. If you’re looking at the TV or Facebook while wanting to connect with your spouse, it’s not going to happen. Come together at dinner and share these things. Finally, if you’re not interested, there may be some serious issues. You need to get interested in what happens during your family’s day.

“I feel Nothing for my spouse.” When we were first dating and even in the first few years of marriage, the feelings were intense. Everything was so new and the mere thought of that someone special sent us into a spin. What’s happened? Life has. Children, work, stress; all the blessings that come from life suddenly monopolize our time with a vengeance. As we tend to these important tasks, we slowly push out our spouses. An emotional void forms between us and with nothing to pull us closer, we are like two strangers seated side-by-side in a movie theater. You don’t know him but you know you don’t like him because he’s in your space.

What’s the answer? Don’t wait for the feeling to come. A tactic to get yourself to exercise is to promise yourself you’ll do it for ten minutes, and if you don’t feel like it after that, you can quit. What happens when you start? You feel like it. In marriage, we must act and then the feelings (that are really there) will come. Don’t look for the novelty in an affair because that will wear off too. Instead, look for the joy you can have with your spouse. That can start tonight by making a decision to do something rather than letting The Nothing take over your lives.

BOOK REVIEW: The Table Comes First by Adam Gopnik

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 10:00:00 +0000

I chose this book because I heard Gopnik on NPR’s “The Moth” podcast where he told the story of how he and his wife had different tastes in food, but that they compromised because of their love for one another. A great story, and much of this flavor was found in his book.

What I enjoyed about the book was the analysis of the moral and cultural concepts surrounding food’s place in our world. For instance, today we envy those who ate only fresh food but at one time fresh was the food of peasants. Those who had exotic food on demand (as we do today) were wealthy. His analysis of class was both entertaining and insightful. Where tastes come from and how they change was also enjoyable. In a very non-judgmental way, Gopnik analyzes the morality of meat and veggies, of eating local, and of eating only in-season products. I appreciated this as I too enjoy much of the values he espouses and struggles with at the same time.

I relished in his dissection of our culture’s fascination with food but struggled through his discussion of the French food industry. It was interesting enough to see its influences but I know little of this type of cuisine so my attention waned frequently. Also, peppered throughout the book, was a friendly correspondence between him and Elizabeth Penell, a 19^th century art and food critic. This allowed him to describe recipes that entice the palate and continue the arc of culture and morality. It kept an otherwise dry topic fun and light.