Dale Sadler

BOOK REVIEW: The Table Comes First by Adam Gopnik

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 10:00:00 +0000

I chose this book because I heard Gopnik on NPR’s “The Moth” podcast where he told the story of how he and his wife had different tastes in food, but that they compromised because of their love for one another. A great story, and much of this flavor was found in his book.

What I enjoyed about the book was the analysis of the moral and cultural concepts surrounding food’s place in our world. For instance, today we envy those who ate only fresh food but at one time fresh was the food of peasants. Those who had exotic food on demand (as we do today) were wealthy. His analysis of class was both entertaining and insightful. Where tastes come from and how they change was also enjoyable. In a very non-judgmental way, Gopnik analyzes the morality of meat and veggies, of eating local, and of eating only in-season products. I appreciated this as I too enjoy much of the values he espouses and struggles with at the same time.

I relished in his dissection of our culture’s fascination with food but struggled through his discussion of the French food industry. It was interesting enough to see its influences but I know little of this type of cuisine so my attention waned frequently. Also, peppered throughout the book, was a friendly correspondence between him and Elizabeth Penell, a 19^th century art and food critic. This allowed him to describe recipes that entice the palate and continue the arc of culture and morality. It kept an otherwise dry topic fun and light.

Is Your Wife Controlling You?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 22:06:00 +0000

Men like to be in charge. Very few would want to admit that their wife wears the pants in the home. Women too like to believe they have a large say in what happens. Can’t it be both ways? I believe it can.

The peacock is an example of what young boys do when working to win a girl’s heart. His beautiful feathers serve no other purpose than to attract a mate. How did you win your wife over to thinking that you were THE man? The car you drove, the music you listened to, and the way you walked were all well calculated to show off much like the peacock does to the peahen. A girl noticed you and you began the ritualistic task of courting her. You learned what she liked and you worked to ensure she had those things whether it was flowers or other types of gifts. If you didn’t do it, someone else would.

It is during this time period that the woman effectively tames the man. When he was a “dude,” all he needed was a fishing pole and a truck. Fun was the name of the game. Not too many women swoon over sleeping in a truck so he must get a job and provide a place to live (typically this part involves her working too). This is how the human male species moves from being fun loving guys to responsible men/dads who take care of their families. He will do anything for her and she makes him happy with what she does. This slowly changes when a couple gets married. What happens?

In the dating process the man must choose between his fun-loving lifestyle and what it is going to take to win her affection. It’s an easy choice early in the relationship but it is this dynamic that starts conflict within marriages later. The woman wants the man to be a certain way, but he doesn’t want to be that way anymore. It was fine before, but something has changed and he believes she is controlling him.

One of two things is happening. First, maybe he’s not getting out enough. When a couple marries, the fun doesn’t have to stop. He can still do those things that he loves. By making sure he takes care of himself, he can take care of his family better. He needs to hunt, hike, fish, or play his drums. I tell my wife that I go on my hikes for me, but I come back for her.

The second thing that may be happening is that he has forgotten why he got married. Maybe it was lust at first, but there are more fulfilling things that come from a married relationship. The lust can continue, but that’s for another article. Without a home, a wife, or even kids to go home to, all a man has is going home and watching TV. This is fun for a time, but does not offer the long-lasting life that you got married for. Men have a desire to build and what better place to do this than in your own home? You must learn that it’s no longer about you being a “dude” but about you being a husband and a father.

Worried she’s in control? WELL, SHE IS!!! But it’s a good kind of control that you really want. The control that she has basically says, “If you are going to have a family with me, you must be responsible, caring, and trustworthy.” Don’t you want to give her that? If you do, she’ll be happy with your level of control wherein you win her heart again and again.

Are You A Marital Humbug?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 22:57:00 +0000

After Scrooge’s visit with his various ghosts, he chooses to be a peaceful man who loves all he sees. Unfortunately, it took him seeing his own tombstone and the wretched life he lived to make this move. It seems in marriages that some husbands and wives are just as miserable as Ebenezer. There’s very little joy and each breath that is taken robs another second of what could be a joyous life. When there’s not something deeper at play, all many couples may need to do is choose. Will it be misery or will it be peace?

When you choose to notice everything he/she does wrong, you are choosing misery. If you live with someone long enough, you are going to find plenty wrong with them. This is often a distraction in order to avoid your own misgivings but there you are, noticing all the inconsistencies of your spouse and wondering why you ever got married. Scrooge saw all that was wrong with those who walked through his door. If you search for bad, you’ll find it. Looking for good can make for a much happier home.

When you choose to argue rather than love, you are choosing misery. There’s something about being at war with your spouse. Some seem to enjoy it. We are not happy and he/she is supposed to make us happy. I’M NOT HAPPY SO IT MUST BE YOUR FAULT! You’re probably not happy because you’re finding all of your spouse’s faults and not working on your own. If you are one half of a whole that is supposed to be about love, what are you bringing to the table?

You choose misery when you only think of yourself. What can please me! This will lead to an unfulfilling life as it did for Scrooge. He only thought of himself but when he began to look of the welfare of others, he found joy. Being in a relationship with another human being can be so rewarding. However, if you don’t think of that other person, there will be no joy.

Finally, you choose misery when you refuse to meet your spouse’s needs. Much of the arguing in a marriage comes from not meeting one another’s needs. It’s strange however because this is really why we got married in the first place; that person met a need of ours. Are you refusing to talk to her? Have you decided to not like what he enjoys? There will be war.

You choose peace when you decide (or re-decide) to make a life with that person. You choose peace when you offer forgiveness and a total acceptance of that other person despite their faults. You choose peace when you find some way to enjoy the time of being together rather than despising it. When you choose peace, you choose your words carefully, your actions carefully, and your thoughts carefully in order to make a life that is less like the that of Ebenezer Scrooge and more like a family you can be proud of.

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Christmas Food, Family, & Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:09:00 +0000

I love this time of year, particularly when it snows and you get some hot chocolate and you sit and watch your favorite Christmas movie with your family. I hope you are blessed to enjoy these times. They are what make up the moments that you will cherish the next day, month, and long into old age. Don’t regret the lack of time you spent with your family. Make it happen.

Thankfully, we're forced to be close during the winter months because no one wants to go outside and face the cold. We in Tennessee believe that the weather will change back to warm quickly enough so why bother getting all dressed up to go out in twenty degree weather to do the things that can wait. We are a patient people when it comes to the weather. We are not as patient when it comes to things that stress us, and this time of year has plenty of that. Here are some tips to make this time of year as joyous as possible.

Don’t do everything: There will be plenty of things to do from now until the new year. Lay out a schedule, plan and follow step two.
Do what is most important to you: Pick and choose because nothing can bring about more stress than making sausage balls half a dozen times to be at events where you know you’re going to be miserable. Say no to things and don’t feel guilty because the most important people you must please are your family and yourself. If your family is happy and so are you then you’re doing something right.
If there are family members that make occasions particularly difficult, you must learn to apply appropriate boundaries. Only speak about those things you can agree on, or don’t speak at all. There are other people you can converse with. This is a time of thanksgiving and celebration. Don’t use it as a time to air grievances. That’s what Festivus is for.
Make time to exercise: Nothing can make the wintry blues worse quite like overeating and feeling bad about oneself. I say enjoy the abundance of delectable delights that are out there, but exercise to balance the extra calories you’ll be taking in. Also, the exercising will help boost endorphins and you’ll feel better emotionally.
Enjoy the season and what it has to offer: Too many of us complain and if there’s nothing to complain about, we’ll find something. You must learn to appreciate things for what they are. There is a Chinese philosophy known as Taoism that says, “Unpleasant experiences need not be avoided or expunged, but can be enjoyed as an integral part of the flow of the world.” Traffic, long shopping lines, and people who think their ugly Christmas sweater is a good fashion statement are as much a part of Christmas traditions as anything else. Learn to deal.
Budget woes got you down? If you are already experiencing credit card remorse, pay them off as quickly as possible during the start of 2012 and start a Christmas account for the following season. Have it auto drafted and forget about it until November. Nothing can bring more joy to the giving than giving out of your abundance.
Lost that Christmas spirit? This is particularly true of families with older children. Ask them if they recall what they got last year for Christmas. They probably won’t. The kids just don’t have that sparkle in their eye anymore because they know about the Xbox game under the tree. They put it in the buggy when you bought it, remember? Start a new tradition and plan a trip using the Christmas money you would normally spend. Coastal rentals are particularly cheap this time of year and Christmas can still be enjoyed with homemade gifts or by a name exchange ON THE BEACH! It’s the memories that will last.

If you’re often tired or don’t seem to enjoy yourself any time of the year, it may be necessary to see a counselor or simply take charge of your life. Making changes now can have lasting effects if you do those things that will make your life enjoyable. I believe it is possible for everyone.

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Tennessee School Counselors and Administrator Institute Murfreesboro, TN 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:52:00 +0000

I will be speaking at this upcoming year's Tennessee School Counselors and Administrators Leadership Institute, February 5-7, 2012 at the Embassy Suites Hotel and Conference Center in Murfreesboro, TN. This will be my fourth time presenting. My actual sessions will be on February 6, 10AM-11:15AM and then February 7, 9:30AM-10:45AM. Click here for more information and I look forward to seeing you there. Below is a description of my session.

The Emotional Effects of Video Games on Boys

Ever wonder why boys aren’t particularly interested in much until it comes to their video games? The average boy spends more than thirteen hours a week playing and it has been proven that video games release dopamine (the pleasure chemical of the brain) in much the same way drugs release it. There is a correlation between boys who play all night, care little about their grades, and are content to live with their parents well into adulthood. In this session, Dale will explain the deeply rooted emotional effects video games have on boys and why apathy is more than just a phase.

BOOK REVIEW: Heavier Than Heaven a Biography of Kurt Cobain

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 11:08:00 +0000

From the beginning, the flow of the text was enjoyable and Cross' description of Kurt was dead on. Cross also summed up Generation X's love affair with Cobain in saying that it was a relationship that was "destined from the start to break our hearts." He referred to Cobain as a "complimentary contradictory misanthrope." I have never heard the anomaly of Cobain described in such an accurate way. It's hard to describe someone that refuses to be described (like nailing jello to a wall) but Cross has definitely fleshed him out.

The first chapter presents a thorough glimpse of Cobain's early life as you learn of the family dynamic he grew up in. I am a family counselor so these important developmental years are particularly interesting to me. The subsequent chapters continue with Kurt's teen years and you see his downward spiral from a jubilant child to a withdrawn pothead. Much of what would be his adult personality begins here. Kurt's psychological pattern of someone who is abandoned by his family and the behavior that would follow is laid out succinctly by Cross. Kurt's pattern of family life was intimacy, conflict, banishment and then isolation. This information is both tragic and insightful.

While Kurt's life wasn't easy, he would exaggerate his experiences for no other reason than it made a good story; this showed the writer and performer in Kurt. Cross, through his investigations, discovers the truth behind Kurt's stories. His first concert, how he got his first guitar, and the infamous Young Street Bridge story where Kurt said he lived for a time. Novoselic said no one could have lived under that bridge, especially someone who was as big a whiner as Kurt.

Cross continues with the early days of the band before they were Nirvana and describes the shows in great detail. Through these days you understand Kurt's suicidal, tormented spirit as Cross shows him to be a mixture of self-destruction and self-preservation.

Cross said Kurt learned early on that punk rock, which was billed as a liberating genre of music, came with its own social guidelines which were often more constricting than the ideals they were supposedly rebelling against. "There was a dress code" for the anti-dress code scene. Never have I heard a truer definition of the punk/alternative sub-culture of the early 90s. Kurt wanted people to think he didn't care about being famous but really he did which means he was a part of the very corporate system that he loathed. The truth is, he wanted to be famous so he did what it took even if it meant selling out to his demographic. Yet another example of Kurt's irony. As rebelious as Jim Morrison but as much a showman as Steve Tyler.

After Kurt meets Courtney, the books is pretty much a wash as the obvious occurs and what went on with the Cobain's was by this time all over the news. However, we learn much more than what was in the tabloids since Cross' level of interviewing goes very deep. With all that was going on, you wonder how they ever made more albums after Nevermind but they did and I enjoyed the stories behind these.

Cross said he wanted to write the book without judgement, which I appreciate, but he also does not minimize the train wreck of a life Kurt led. I have read other works about Nirvana and they are touted almost as gods. Cross' book is more objectively level-headed and presents the facts, opinions, and mysteries very well.

Need CEU's?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:13:00 +0000

I'm proud to announce that I am now an affiliate presenter with Renewed Vision Training (RVT.) The Harding University Professional Counseling Program is an NBCC-Approved Continuing Education Provider and a co-sponsor of these trainings.

If you are a counselor, I hope you'll consider us a source for your CEU needs. My friend Michael Jones started RVT and already has several courses available including "Technology Assisted Counseling," "Motivating Clients to Change," and even one on group grief counseling. My podcasts will be posted soon and my training, "The Emotional Effects of Video Games on Boys" is currently under construction.

ADHD Meds and Your Son

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 17:20:00 +0000

In Leonard Sax's book, Boys Adrift, he discusses five factors that cause a large portion of today's boys to be unmotivated. They actually relish in their lack of achievement as though it were a metal of honor. This is depicted very well in the Matthew McConaughey film "Failure to Launch." In it, McConaughey's character doesn't want to leave his parents' home. He's content to be a bachelor, mooching off his parents for the rest of his life. This behavior can be seen in boys who have no desire to excel at anything except for what pleases them. Certainly laziness is a factor for all teen boys but as they grow up, they should want to grow out of their parents' home, be on their own, and start a family. What causes this lack of direction? Sax believes that ADHD medications play a part.

I have written about two of the factors (schools and video games) discussed in Sax's book and will be adding the others soon. I have done my best to capture Sax's points here on ADHD medications and the philosophy he and I prescribe to. It is not my intention to cause alarm here but to simply inform. Your son may be doing great with meds and you wouldn't change a thing. That's great! On the other hand, if your son is taking meds, you should be fully informed about potential side-effects; particularly if you aren't totally pleased with his progress.

Before making any changes to your sons meds, or if you have concerns, consult with your pediatrician, see a counselor, or even buy Sax's book and read it for yourself. His data and experience in counseling boys is quite compelling. There's also a great at-home program with proven results. You may actually qualify to get it for free. Finally, you can listen to a podcast on ADHD I did with a Hendersonville pediatrician, Dr Steve Johnson.

Boys are designed to be playful, rambunctious, and sometimes outright raunchy. These characteristics don't always fit into a school setting and, after many bouts with school personnel, bewildered parents go to their doctor to discuss an ADHD diagnosis. The parents may also be frustrated about his behavior at home. The boy begins a behavior modification regimen along with meds that will make it easier to control himself. The boy's teachers are relieved and the parents are pleased. He is doing much better in school and this can be attributed directly to the doctor's visit. But what if there's more to this story? What if years later the boy isn't motivated to succeed?

ADHD has always been with us. In The Adventures of Tom Sawyer you see an early example of what we would later term Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but is it a disorder or is it simply boys being boys? Nobody would argue in Sawyer's time that he was doing anything out of the ordinary, but in a 21st century school, he certainly would not make it.

Some boys can sit for hours at a time and do their work as requested by the teacher. Others however can barely sit still for five minutes. Most classes are not designed for boys who absolutely must be active. However, it is a fact that if a hyperactive boy is to graduate in this day and age, he must receive some form of help or struggle his entire academic career and within his social circles. Medication is one of these aids.

America is the most prescribed country in the world. What has led to this? First, we have made a tremendous shift from personal responsibility to third-party explanations. If something is wrong with a person, he/she is quick to blame his lousy parents, a sibling, a friend, drugs, alcohol, almost anything besides himself. So, since he is a victim of outside circumstances, he must get outside help. Little if any thought is given to a person having or developing the strength to handle his own behavior.

In 2006, children in the US were at least three times more likely to be taking psychiatric meds as compared with children in any European country. And our kids aren't just taking one pill. One-third of American children who are taking psychotropic meds are actually taking two to four others. A boy who is on Adderall for his ADHD may also be on Clonidine to control his outbursts, and Prozac to stabilize his moods. The result? A boy who conforms but who is not developing inner strength to cope and control. These character traits should be developed in the home and at school with firm teachers and practical parents.

Three decades ago if a boy cursed his parents or spit at his teacher, people would say that he was a disobedient brat who was long due a spanking. Today, this behavior from a similar boy might prompt a trip to the pediatrician or child psychologist. It's no longer the fault of the parents or the boy who needs to learn self-control, but instead he is an unfortunate soul with misfiring chemicals. What is wrong with him is the wrong question. Rather, you must ask what are you as the parent going to do to change his behavior? Most can learn to control themselves even without the assistance of meds.

Another factor that has to do with the rise in prescriptions for ADHD meds is the "inappropriate acceleration" of the early elementary school curriculum. Read more here about this issue.

So, will you have a 25 year old living in your basement spending all his paycheck on video games? Maybe. Professor William Carlezon and his colleagues at Harvard Medical School have reported that juvenile laboratory animals display a loss of drive when they mature after being given stimulant medications such as those used to treat boys with ADHD. These medications appear to impair lab animals by damaging the nucleus accumbens of the developing brain. Independent groups of researchers at the University of Michigan, the Medical University of South Carolina, the University of Pittsburgh, Brown University, as well as in Sweden, Italy, and the Netherlands, all have arrived at similar conclusions. What's the point? Your boy may feel hungry. He just won't do anything about it.

Thankfully, these adverse affects can be overcome by engaging your son in activities that interest him and by ensuring that he does have a degree of motivation to do something. Otherwise, there may be cause for concern. I have witnessed boys who are better for taking medication, but I have also seen boys who could benefit from other forms of interventions. Take note of my earlier suggestions including the ad links below. I hope my thoughts here are insightful and will help you on your journey as a parent.

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BOOK REVIEW: Girls On the Edge by Dr. Leonard Sax

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:00:00 +0000

In Girls on the Edge Sax discusses four factors that are driving our girls down a path of self-destruction. In Boys Adrift you learn that males can be quite lazy. However, in Girls on the Edge, Sax shows how the will to succeed causes girls pain and anguish. Some would term his observations old-fashioned but it's hard to argue with his plainly stated research. Gender roles, when based on facts and figures, carry a great deal of weight. To be clear, different does not mean inferior as some may assume. The idea that men and women are exactly the same will someday be old fashioned. I believe Sax's work is a trend towards embracing our differences as men and women which in the long run will strengthen both sexes and subsequently our families.

The first factor is that of sexual identity. The chapter consisted a lot of what I expected; the over-sexualization of young girls and that the sexual empowerment movement has led many girls to be disempowered. If girls aren't given the proper direction, their sexual identity will look to be fulfilled in ways that will leave them dissatisfied, emotional wrecks. The world tells them to be sexual; that it's the only way they'll be accepted. You as the parent must notice this and protect your daughter.

The second factor he calls the cyberbubble. In this chapter he discusses how social networking (ie facebook, myspace, etc) and the cell phone have driven girls into their own unfulfilling worlds where they look for something and get a lot but find nothing of substance. Parents whose girls are suffering because of this social cyber-world look for answers in prescriptions when all that really needs to be done is limiting time online.

Thirdly, Sax discusses obsessions. We expect a lot of our girls and they work extremely hard at numerous activities. Because of the changes in our world these last fifty years our girls have been given the green light to succeed with the talents they have been given and this is tremendous news. However, many go so far as to risk injury and well-being. How good is good enough? Some girls and their parents don't know so they never quit. Sax discusses the dangerousness of this and presents real world examples that could save your daughter's life.

The fourth factor, like in Boys Adrift, discusses environmental toxins. Sax asks and answers questions that may still leave you wondering, but his facts make sense. Whatever you believe after reading about the dangerous chemicals in your daughters lotion, something is going on when girls are hitting puberty at age 8. Also, can a man cause his daughter's puberty to delay until a more appropriate time? According to Sax it is likely.

In the final portion of the book Sax discusses your daughters mind, body, and spirit in an unpretentious manner. I appreciate this as it enables a person of any faith or creed to consider what they want for their daughter. His method for these final chapters will cause all parents to wonder on a level beyond sports and school just what they are doing for their daughters growth and development.

Sax does speak from a point of view (POV) of someone who lives in a large metropolitan area. He talks about moving your daughter to another school if it doesn't work for her. Not many have this option. Also, his experience seems to come largely from preparatory schools that an average parent would have no idea about. While I have a tough time relating to his POV, his research is rock solid. You will just have to adapt it to your situation.

Some reviewers have complained of few practical actions Sax offers and that the book is more theory. This is true but the practicality comes as he discusses patients and what worked for them and their parents. I'm a counselor and loved the book as it helped me understand the teen girls I work with and particularly my own daughter. Tactics for parenting are very useful, but Sax answers a lot of "why" questions about teen girls and this is invaluable.

BOOK REVIEW: Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell & Patrick Robinson

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 12:00:00 +0000

This book takes you on a journey with four US Navy SEALS in July 2005 as they head for the mountainous Afghanistan-Pakistan border. They were to document the activity of an al Qaeda leader and his small Taliban army rumored to be very close to Bin Laden. Five days later, only one of those Navy Seals made it out alive.

This story will make you proud of the American spirit, and will shock you to your core in regards to what our nation's finest must endure. You will be in awe they train to be seals, and then you will be mortified as you follow these four men through the horrific final battle. However, you will feel the honor and patriotism that all American's should feel for those who put their lives on the line everyday, fighting for freedom.

Various reviewers have disputed some of the facts in this book that reads a lot like a war thriller. However, some of these arguments seem frivolous in light of the heroism and the sacrifice of these men that is true.

There was some political commentary and I personally try to stay out of that in my own life, but I can respect a man's opinion. The statements (that I have heard he later regretted making) cause you to be in the moment with him in those mountains; a positive characteristic of the book. Much of the book is about Luttrell but his fallen teammates are also represented well.

A Man, His Wife, and God

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 15:36:00 +0000

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her.

This has been attributed to a woman by the name of Elisabeth Elliot and I believe it sums up a great deal about marriage. If a man and woman are to have the ultimate joy in their life of being with one another, they must have a relationship with Christ.

Much about your relationship together is dictated by what you do apart from one another and with God. Paul says it well in I Corinthians 7:1-6 says, "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment."

Why else should a man and woman seek to be close to God for each other?

Only by experiencing the level of forgiveness God offers will you be able to extend any forgiveness in your own marriage.
Only by learning about the love that God has for you will you be able to extend that love to another person.
Only if you are humbled as Jesus instructs will you look to meet the needs of your spouse before your own.

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Help!! My Marriage Is in Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:00:00 +0000

Chaos theory is a field of study in mathematics, with applications in several disciplines including physics, economics, biology, and philosophy. I believe it also has a place in marriage theory.

Chaos theory studies the behavior of a dynamic system that is highly sensitive to its current condition. Small differences in initial conditions yield any number of widely diverging outcomes, causing chaos to result. This makes predictions nearly impossible even though the behavior of these systems (weather, the human body and marriages) can be determined by past observations and their current state.

In other words, for marriages, a small factor between a husband and wife can make an immense difference in how they interact whether for the bad or the good. Is your marriage in chaos? It might be a matter of changing a few simple things. Not to be deceiving, the change is quite difficult.

A basic part of chaos theory that one must understand is that the chaotic event that occurs did not happen at the moment of impact but rather hours, days, or weeks prior. For example, a car wreck doesn't occur just because someone runs a red light. It occurs because the person oversleeps and gets tangled up in all the effects that come from running late in the morning. Had the driver assured the clock was set and their necessary items for the morning were prepared the night before, disaster could have been averted. In marriages, a couple can have an argument hours after they see each other simply because the husband didn't hug his wife when he got in from work. Studies have shown that not doing things for your spouse (hugging, kissing, etc) can cause a feeling of disdain to grow from literally nothing. Well, it isn't really nothing. It's ignoring.

The movie Blue Valentine is a wonderfully tragic example of how marriages can live in chaos. It is extremely real and I would not watch it if I was easily offended. "The film centers on a contemporary married couple, charting their evolution over a span of years by cross-cutting between time periods." (IMDb.com)

You watch as the daily stress of life and a lack of positive marital assets makes even the most normal activity a struggle. They constantly fight and it seems that this is the only thing they know how to do. Basically, life has gotten to them, they can't handle it, so they turn on one another.

Like many struggling marriages, they are stressed and want to have a good time one weekend. The wife is on call (as a nurse) and the place the husband wants to go is a good distance from their house. Many mistakes occur within this sequence that husbands could learn from. First, he asks her to go away for a weekend where she won't be able to concentrate and unwind. She's on call at the hospital and what he will be wanting, she will not be able to fully offer. The chaos begins. Second, once they are at the hotel, you wonder how on earth someone could pick such a tacky place. She was not impressed. Does the husband have any real idea about what the wife wants? It was like that time Homer bought Marge a bowling ball because he liked to bowl. Third, they turn to the alcohol to "loosen up" and all this does is make him angry and her scared, ruining the night.

This type of pattern repeats itself regularly in that they can't get together on what should happen because he is oblivious and she doesn't know how to assert what she needs. He wants to make it a great time, she is not mentally or emotionally there but doesn't want to disappoint him so she goes along with it. This house of cards will not stand. By trying to force a romantic evening among bad circumstances and getting angry when the desired results don't occur, the husband finds himself in a chaotic sequence of events that he doesn't understand. Most husbands would just get angry but in this extreme case the husband, played by Ryan Gosling, turns violent.

Husbands must learn three things about their wives when doing anything, but particularly when trying to set up a romantic evening.

She has to decompress from the stress of life. She can't have anything on her mind that is stressful if she is going to be the woman she knows you want her to be and that she wants to be for you. If you are a part of this stress, YOU really must work on this if you are going to have the relationship with your wife that you will be proud of.
Men must learn what their wives need and when they need it. Men become frustrated with their wives when they are upset about something. You must respect your wife's right to feel a certain way because she's not a garbage man. Just because you put something on the street, it doesn't mean she's going to drive by and pick it up.
One evening away from the kids won't make things better if you can't enjoy regular days with your spouse. Not getting along? Seek counseling and work to save your marriage. A quote from the movie really stuck with me and I hope it encourages you to get the help you need.

The wife, played by Michelle Williams, is eating dinner at her parents home and it is obvious that her parents don't get along. While you watch this uncomfortable scene, Williams' character says the following in explaining her parents:

"I know they must have loved each other at one time. Did they just get it all out of the way before they had me? How can you trust your feelings when they just disappear like that?"

The feelings don't have to disappear. You can make them come back and have the love in your marriage that you dream about.

Prayer In Schools?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:36:00 +0000

A particularly hot topic that is dear to me is that of prayer in schools. For several years I served as a youth minister and now by working in the school system, I see how these two entities meet. Here are some thoughts I have for churches, as I am first and foremost a Christian.

A Different World

We no longer live in a world where your teacher goes to church with you like my kindergarten, first grade, second grade, and sixth grade teachers did. We no longer live in a world where all those you are friends with or work with believe as you do.

I wish our society were more like Mayberry and that cartoons still quoted scripture like Charlie Brown’s Christmas special. Unfortunately, our society has changed which is an indication of a general departure from Christ-centered values to worldly values, even among Christians. What can change this? Only the church reaching the lost, doing what it’s supposed to do, can change the direction of our world. Many Christians become upset when for one reason or another they are pushed out of a school system. However, do you think God cares about the decisions made by school systems and the ACLU? He’s going to get it done anyway. Christians must not lose sight of this and they must not be distracted by secular policies but focus on how they can change the world with what they are given. Think of the early church and how many were martyred for their beliefs. We actually have it pretty good in 21st century America.

What Do You Really Want in the Schools?

Without a doubt, God needs to be in schools. It is law that Christian students can pray and meet and this is a good thing. But what does "prayer in schools" look like to you? What would happen in a classroom of 25 where six different churches are represented along with atheists and even students who don’t know what they believe? What if something went on in a classroom, in the name of the Christian religion, that another Christian did not agree with? There are churches on almost every block in small town America. How are we going to agree on what should happen in schools when in many single congregations there is regular dissension on certain issues? Would we have Bible studies during homeroom? This sounds good, but have you seen some of the characters educating our students? I’m not sure this is a good idea.

At a middle school in Jefferson South Carolina Christian rapper B-SHOC, declared "324 kids at this school have made a decision for Jesus Christ." As a member of the Church of Christ, I wonder what B-SHOC teaches about baptism. I wonder where he stands on the Lord’s Supper. What if at events like this things went on that you didn't agree with? I believe Christ wants us to follow His word and too many "modern" churches don't even encourage their members to bring their Bible to worship. They don't talk about sin. They only talk about what makes them feel good. This is a departure from my deeply held beliefs about living a sacrificial life for Christ. Why would I want someone teaching my children differently than what I want to teach on these matters? Would you want someone teaching your child things you didn't believe even with Bible in hand? I send my boy to school because I can’t teach him about math, science, etc as well as the school can, but no one can teach him better Bible than me. I’m sure you believe the same about your children.

What is the Church Doing?

We expect a lot out of our schools. They make sure students have their shots, they feed them, clothe them, and teach them about respect, responsibility, and other character traits. One thing that schools should not be doing is reaching those who are spiritually lost. How can it? Their hands are full already and according to Matthew 28 and Mark 16, this is the church’s job. Churches should stop worrying about things that probably weren’t happening in most schools anyway and begin worrying about how they are going to reach those families who struggle and are hurting in more ways than I can list here.

It is Upsetting.

What lawsuits against schools by the ACLU amount to is that someone said something in a group of people about what most people in that group accepted as normal. In other words, Christian employees were allowing Christian practices to go on in a place that the law says they shouldn’t. However, there were so many Christians involved, no one cared and so the practice continued. On October 20, my Alma Mater (Smith County High) had a prayer before the game by the preacher I grew up listening to, Edward Anderson, and on October 29, a prayer was led at a University of Tennessee game. How long before these entities are encroached upon? I hope not but it may very well happen.

It is upsetting that communities have changed to the point that there are people who don’t want us to do such things in schools. That what is held dear by the many can be changed by the few. It is a strength that many draw upon in a world that is dying for something with substance to believe in. However, according to the ACLJ (the non-profit on the Christian side) the ACLU is right about some of its accusations towards school districts.

Here is where many school districts are with prayer in school: Employees can’t openly pray at a school event. Alright, but if Jonah can do it in a whale, I can do it sitting in my office chair or walking down the hall. I can pray before the school begins. I can pray before lunch and no one will ever know. I hate this side of it but I am still maintaining my relationship with Christ in a very real way. Besides, didn’t Jesus say in Matthew 6:6 “But you, when you pray, go into yourinner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret,and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.” Secrecy was a necessary part of prayer in the first century church. I question how often people actually do it openly anyway.

What Should We Be Worried About?

How much employees can express themselves religiously should be a concern. We should be allowed to express ourselves to a degree and thankfully we still can. I think we should be able to do more (how about it ACLJ?), but after recent news reports on church and school, I have taken inventory of what I have been doing as a Christian in a public school. I very soon plan on exercising the rights I do have by wearing a ring with a cross on it. This isn’t much but I can do it and being a Christian man in a school doing all that I can is a plus. Jesus tells us to render to Caesar what is his (Matthew 22:21) and I’m fine with that, but Caesar is gonna know I’m a Christian. I will of course hold to my same values and express them when necessary on moral issues while being respectful to those who believe differently.

What else should we be worried about? When the rules become so strict that Christian students can’t meet or express themselves. They still can, remember? We should worry when an atheistic point of view is taught and all others are considered inferior.

We should worry when Christian values are attacked like it was this past September at a school in Fort Worth, TX when a 14 year old was sent to the principal’s office for saying that homosexuality is wrong. During a discussion in his German class they were talking about religions in Germany. The young man said, “I’m a Christian. I think being a homosexual is wrong.” Hetold Lari Barager of KDFW News, that his statement “wasn’t directed to anyone except my friend who was sitting behind me. I guess [the teacher] heard me. He started yelling. He told me he was going to write me an infraction and send me to the office.” This should worry Christians. Schools should teach about different points of view when appropriate, but they shouldn’t chastise someone for their biblically held beliefs, particularly when they are not born out of hatred but a love for scripture and the souls of all man. Our views are valid as well.

What Can We Do?

First, thank God for David French and the ACLJ. Dr. French works with schools free of charge. He is a graduate of Harvard and of Lipscomb. I am thankful for him because if he didn’t fight for the rights of Christians, I don’t know who would.

Second, all parents, but especially Christian parents, should stay informed of what is being taught in school. Many schools have adopted Gay Pride Days and have taught on homosexuality in such a way that many Christians would not agree with. This steps out of the bounds of what a school should be doing. They should promote tolerance (a lesson some Christians could learn) otherwise, no one will get along in a school day. However, schools should not be indoctrinating our children to the point of telling them they should accept and approve of what all people do. Jesus accepted but didn't approve of the sinners he associated with, and He is who Christians follow.

Third, if you are interested in a Christian world-view, subscribe to Think Magazine and Kaio rather than only secular publications. Join with other parents to make positive changes in the school system. Two books by Leonard Sax (Boys Adrift and Girls on the Edge) talk a lot about parents that work to make a difference in their schools. Parents can move to make this change; Christian parents. Why couldn’t the Bible be taught as literature if an appropriate textbook was selected? Why couldn’t more churches work to positively affect the lives of poor, hungry students instead of sending millions to India and Africa? This could be the church’s part in helping raise test scores because a child can’t learn if he’s hungry. Too many churches alienate themselves from the community. Contacts and a working relationship can still be made. The backpacks, school supplies, and benevolent money I’m given by churches each year are a testament to this. These churches expect nothing in return except for the knowledge that their money is doing some good.

Finally, make sure teens know that they have rights and they need to use them. They are the evangelists. 1 Timothy 4:12 says, “Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.” I’m afraid that if we focus on the wrong issue with prayer in schools, we will lose sight of what we can do. Namely, our youth being the evangelists God has called them to be. I hope Christian parents have taken inventory of their child’s Christian faith and are working to strengthen them as Deuteronomy 6 instructs. I think our teens are the best ones to evangelize the schools. The Apostles turned the world upside down (Acts 17:6). Wouldn't it be great if our youth turned their schools upside down, causing their friends to become Christians?

Are You Asking the Right Question?

Why are we taking God out of schools is the wrong question. It will cause us to think we are losing. Cause us to think that our only vein of influence has been eliminated. Cause us to think that Satan has won. Doubting Thomas had to touch Jesus’ wounds before He would believe. What’s it going to take for us to see that Christ can change the lives of students through the work of the church and the youth that infiltrate the school walls everyday?

What’s the right question? How can we get more of God into the students? Help our students as they are facing the world as Peter did in Matthew 26. They are scared and the world around them screams everything but Christianity. Peter denied Jesus three times. We must make sure our students are not denying Him because Christianity in many ways is being pushed out and I'm sure many are scared. Teach your teens and children what Hebrews 13:5, 6 says, “Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,” so that we confidently say, “THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID.  WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?"

Conclusion

I believe that every person in the world should know Christ, but it won’t happen because the schools allow it. It will happen because Christians are doing what they are supposed to do.

We are afraid God is going to be pushed out but God has always been in schools. He’s always been in the hearts and minds of students and teachers who took Him there. He is in the teachers who will speak up when things aren’t right. He is the leader on the football team who asks for safety from God before every game. She is the person in math class who asks her classmates to pray for her sick friend. However, God doesn't belong only in a classroom no more than He belongs only in a church building. May our Christian lives never be simply the act of being somewhere but may they be the totality of how we live.

If God is pushed out, it won’t be because a school board or the ACLU stopped something that wasn’t even happening in most schools to begin with. It will be because students and teachers stopped taking Him and making Him active in their own lives.

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How to Argue with Your Teen & Win!

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 00:17:00 +0000

I'm proud to announce the release of my first book. It's a short work that I have published to the Kindle market on Amazon, but I hope that it is a stepping stone to more extensive materials.

If you don't have a Kindle, not to worry because neither do I. You do however have a computer or maybe a smartphone and therefore can download the Kindle application for FREE!

Basically, this is two chapters from a previous book I outlined and taught in an adult Sunday school class. I've been shopping it to agents and publishers but no luck yet. The parenting genre is a tough market so I decided to go at it in this direction. If all goes well, I may do a Kindle book on marriage, but until then, I hope you'll check this one out.

This book is dedicated to my mom and dad; the best of parents.

What has already been said about How to Argue . . . ?

“A much needed book for parents who are struggling with a challenging teen. I think every parent who has a teenager or child in the house should get this book to learn helpful techniques for relating to their son or daughter. It discusses the secret to eliminating power struggles. I wish I had this book when I was raising my teenage daughters, alone. I could have avoided many years of frustration and pain.”

-Susan Bowman, Ed.S., Author of many books including her memoir,

Breaking Free: A Memoir of a Teenage Runaway

“I loved it! I can use this material for dealing with my teenage clients and their parents, but also for dealing with my own 2 children (ages 15 and 11). The concepts are rock solid and are based on active parenting which is extremely effective. I know it works at my house and for those clients I teach it to who are struggling with their own teens. This book will fill a tremendous need, especially in a brief but powerful manner. Parents will have no problem reading through and getting started on it the very first day.”

-Jane Headrick, Licensed Professional Counselor, MHSP

Restore Counseling Services

Courageous: A Positive Movie about Christian Fatherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 18:49:00 +0000

How to Be Romantic

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 08:28:00 +0000

Some men are natural romantics and others couldn’t get lucky at a kissing booth raising money for charity. Maybe being a romantic is a skill and maybe it isn’t. Either way, it can be learned.

First, learn about the restaurants in your area. Right now I can tell you which restaurants have private tables, which deliver flowers upon your arrival, and which you should avoid. Inherent in being a romantic is the characteristic of forethought. You thought about the restaurant, you bought the card, and you surprised her with a gift she wasn’t expecting.

I'm sure this has happened to you.

HUSBAND: Where do you want to eat?

WIFE: It doesn't matter.

You pick a place and she says she doesn't like it.

Here's the translation. She wants you to pick a restaurant based on her taste. This shows her you know her and that you care about what she likes.

Second, mark important days in a calendar. Even if you don’t have a schedule for anything else, you must mark things to remember for your wife. If you’re stopping at Walgreens on February 14 to buy a bear holding a heart, and you’re not a ten-year-old, don’t bother going home.

Third, learn your wife’s gift needs. Sometimes men approach the gift question based on what they want to do. So ask yourself, “what does my wife enjoy.” Unless she has a curio cabinet with missing pieces to her fairy collection, you need to really listen to her when she says she likes something. Make a mental note and return to buy it. Also, talk to her about flowers and gifts. She may rather have an evening without the kids than a dozen roses that won’t last a week.

Finally, listen to her. Most all women like to talk and all women love being understood. If talking isn’t your favorite thing to do, make it your goal that evening to really listen to her. It’s your task. Men are really good at doing one thing at a time. This is our strength. Use it. Ask questions if you don’t understand and repeat what she said back to her to show her you are listening.

In short, meet her needs and she’ll more than meet yours.

Dale Sadler is a marriage counselor in White House, TN. Call him at 513.3642 to make an appointment. He accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield and Magellan.

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Happy Marriage: Stop Doing the Wrong Things

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 20:16:00 +0000

In regards to the first, some cultures get married and then fall in love. In America, we fall in love and get married. Although, I don’t believe it’s actual “love” since a level of commitment is involved which takes time to prove and experience. We expect marital bliss to continue for years with little effort on our part. That’s basically how we got started; we saw the person and we melted. Well, bitterness sets in as we see all the things that are wrong with the person. This is a formula for disaster. Unlike when we were young or dating in college, work takes up a great deal of our time and then children come into the picture and (let’s be honest) suck the life out of us. What should you do to save your failing marriage? Start doing the right things and stop doing the wrong.

In Fighting for Your Marriage, authors Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg say to avoid the following:

Escalation – "Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile.” 1 Peter 3:9 says, "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult." Don’t cause the argument to get worse. Be level headed, particularly if your partner isn’t. Peace was never found between two people if they both want war.

Negative Interpretation – "Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case." Just because your partner says something does not mean that it is meant as a derogatory comment. Work on communication means you must put your guards down. Discuss it if your partner’s comments hurt, but don’t assume anything.

Invalidation – Listen to the other person’s feelings and validate them. By name calling and disregarding what the other person is saying or feeling, you are building a wall of division rather than trust or love. Hear his/her feelings or thoughts and let them know you understand then work to be understood yourself.

Withdrawal – With these first three in place, emotional and even physical withdrawal is sure to follow. We avoid people that are not pleasing to be around. Stop doing these wrong things and reconnect.

For more articles on love and marriage, visit Dale’s blog at www.insearchformore.com; rated one of the top 50 blogs on the Internet for marriage advice by MastersInCounseling.com.

Scan for the mobile version of Dale’s blog.

Are Video Games Bad for Your Son?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 13:46:00 +0000

In his book, Boys Adrift, Leonard Sax discusses the five factors that he believes are causing boys and young men to be unmotivated. These boys look for no success outside what pleases them directly and immediately. This article will give a synopsis of the second contributor to underachievement in capable boys, video games.

What is excessive video game play? The average boy spends more than thirteen hours a week playing video games. Some experts say that 30 minutes to an hour should be the max, but this can be left up to the parent of course. Video games can be a good diversion on long trips, and weekends are meant for more leisure time. Although, in my experience, forty minutes seems to be reasonable.

Here are some things to consider if you wonder whether or not your child is playing too much. Is he losing sleep? Are his grades dropping at school? Is he obsessed with playing? It has been proven that video games release dopamine (the pleasure chemical of the brain) in much the same way drugs release it. No reason kids want to play so much, they have addictive qualities. Therefore, game time must be seriously regulated, particularly since boys lose a sense of time when engrossed with a game.

Now, what is the correlation between boys who play and those who aren’t contributing much to society or their own future? These are boys who care little about their grades, are content to live with their parents well into adulthood, and aren’t interested in relationships that might lead to a family. In video games, boys are in control. They are tested at doing their best and are rewarded for their success. These are all things that typically drive boys to succeed in society but if they are getting these rewards from games, why should they seek them elsewhere? Sax interviewed girls who said that boys would rather play games than pursue them. What?! Video games fill a void for boys, causing them to get all the fulfillment they need, but to what end? A high score?

Some proponents argue that video games make kids smarter and they give the gamers faster hand/eye coordination. These are small payoffs for the amount of time squandered away at getting virtual points in a virtual world with virtual friends. Where is the real pay off? The Atlanta Braves aren’t calling because your son won the Virtual World Series. He may be quicker on the draw but Sax states that it is only by two-hundredths of a second (0.02) – when compared to kids who don’t play. It’s not worth it.

Is he smarter? Hardly. Smarter at the video game but the evidence does not support a cause and effect from games to school. In fact, “A series of studies over the past seven years has demonstrated clearly and unambiguously” that the more time your child spends playing video games, the less likely he is to do well in school at any level. Furthermore, as researchers account for variables, the evidence becomes stronger.

Don’t get me wrong. Some gaming is good. I play with my son. It’s a way to connect and I even use it to exercise. The main point to ponder is, “Are games taking the place of other, more enriching activities?” Also, is the subject matter appropriate? Researchers at Yale University have reported that playing violent video games leads directly to “aggressive behavior . . . and decreases in helping behavior.” Gamers also report fewer friends, depression, and heightened anxiety. Don’t get scared just yet because this does come from excessive play.

As a parent, you must ask yourself whether or not your child is playing too much. If he doesn’t care about school, wants to stay in all the time, and has few interests that can contribute to his future, it may be time to limit or completely take away the system. After all, will his life really be better if he continues playing?

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How To Save Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 17:36:00 +0000

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.” -Mario Andretti

A couple falls in love, marries, and then they seem to grow apart. What causes this? I believe it can be traced to two things: our concept of love and our concept of what we expect to feel in a marriage. We may not even feel like saving our marriage. Well, our feelings can be mislead us away from the thing that will be better for our kids and ultimately our long-term happiness.

In Fighting for Your Marriage, authors Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg say to avoid the following:

What should you do in your marriage? The same things you did when you first started dating and pursuing one another.

Is It Oppositional Defiant Disorder or the Education System?

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 01:15:00 +0000

Your son is extremely bright, loves to read, did well in school at one time, but has either suddenly or gradually decided that he doesn’t care whether he gets an A or an F. You lecture and you punish but nothing seems to motivate him. In his book, Boys Adrift, Leonard Sax looks at the epidemic of “underachieving boys and unmotivated young men.” This involves young boys who don’t want to succeed and young men who are content to live at home with their parents well into adulthood.

In my upcoming articles I will cover each of the five cultural factors Sax believes hurt our boys. I will by no means handle the topics as extensively as he does, so I encourage you to read the book. Hopefully my articles will give you an understanding of your boy who seems to care about nothing.

The first cultural factor is that of school. Your son is smart, but can’t sit still in class. Has anyone suggested medication or an ADHD diagnosis? Possibly and you may have even researched it yourself. Your son may not be the problem but rather asking your son to do something he’s not developmentally ready to do.

The thrust of Sax’s book is that boys don’t seem to care about much. One fourteen-year-old son told his mother, “Girls care about getting good grades. Geeks care about grades. Normal guys do not care about grades.” We shouldn’t confuse this with boys being boys. Sax references Tom Sawyer and Ferris Bueller who never had any interest in school. They did however pursue interests and work towards their own schemes. Some boys today lack motivation and want to reach “guyhood” by being as successful as possible at doing nothing.

In 2007, a study done by the National Institute of Mental Health supported other studies reporting that the language areas of the brain in many five-year-old boys look like the language areas of the brain of the average three-and-a-half-year-old girl. Your son has been struggling for a few years and finally says mid-elementary, “I hate school.” He’s being asked to do something his brain isn’t ready to do. Why shouldn’t he hate it?

There’s another fundamental difference between boys and girls. Girls have an innate desire to please the adults in their lives. The type of boys Sax discusses in his book does not have this desire. As we know, some boys work to please, but others want to anger the closest authority figure. Girls are more likely to see situations from the point of view of the adults in charge. Boys aren’t. So, of course girls will do better in school and enjoy it more. From 1949 to 2006, boys enrolled in a four-year college dropped from 70 percent to 42 percent. More girls are going because of obvious changes, but fewer boys are in attendance.

Not only are boys behind developmentally just because of their biology; certain school factors are unfriendly to boys. Over the past thirty years, many school districts have eliminated sports such as dodgeball, believing that such sports “reward violence.” Competition has also been eliminated as it “alienates some kids from sports.” While we worry about the unathletic kids, we are losing those who thrive on such atmospheres. A boy with this persona may look at an environment void of competition and say, “why bother?” Indeed.

Sax suggests homeschooling, transferring schools, or working to change things within your school. Getting a teacher who understands boys is certainly helpful and probably the surest thing. Many books have been written on the topic including Sax’s Why Gender Matters. Research the matter and do your best to raise a well-rounded boy. After all, it’s every parents’ duty.

Click here to purchase Sax's book from Amazon.

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BOOK REVIEW: Starting & Building A Nonprofit; A Practical Guide by Peri H. Pakroo, J.D

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 09:33:00 +0000

Last year I considered starting a nonprofit in my area that would work to curb the divorce rate. I understand marital issues but have no idea about the ins and outs of non-profits so I purchased this book and it was exactly what I needed. It covers the step-by-step process of getting your non-profit off the ground and is extremely easy to understand. Whether you're starting a small sports league, a club, or a larger community wide organization, this book will steer you in the right direction.

Even though this book is quite comprehensive, it would be good to surround yourself with people who understand the nonprofit world because it is impossible to know everything about running one. This was good advice given by the book and probably the most important thing I learned. The book will not make you an expert but you will be able to discuss the business intellectually.

For those who are familiar with the non-profit industry, this book would be good to refreshen yourself on the basic principals, otherwise, you may want to consider How to Form A Nonprofit Corporation by Anthony Mancuso. The Pakroo book references it quite often and it seemingly handles laws of the nonprofit world in greater detail. Some reviewers of Pakroo believe you should just go straight to the Mancuso book. Not having read it, I can't say but this does make sense.

I wish it handled the sections on board meetings a little better. It discussed this in an extensive way but when a non-profit is just getting started, they won't be terribly formal. I didn't feel prepared to be the director of the meetings, but I suppose experience is the best teacher. I had to look up the rules of order on the internet to get a grasp of how things transpire.

The book is inspirational and easy to read.

BOOK REVIEW: Can My Marriage Be Saved; True Stories of Saved Marriages by Mae & Erika Chambers

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 14:30:00 +0000

I first met Mae when I was doing my radio show. Her book was unlike any I had heard of before. When I meet with couples, many are on the brink of divorce and don't know if they can find their way back because of the hurt that has been caused. This book can effectively give them hope through the stories of others who have successfully survived marital trials. This book is great for counseling agencies, marriage ministries in your church, or if you need to get inspiration for your own struggling relationship.

Click here to purchase the book.

FROM AMAZON.COM

"Can My Marriage be Saved?" is filled with more than twenty true stories of couples whose marriages were restored, even after being deemed “hopeless” by their friends, family, counselors—even pastors! Each of these couples overcame devastating circumstances such as adultery, sexual addiction, clinical depression, bankruptcy, substance abuse, and the loss of their children.

The true stories in this book offer hope for any troubled marriage. And the ministries listed at the end of each story can provide help for hurting couples in even the most desperate circumstances. Each story in this book is connected to a ministry with a focus on helping those in crisis marriages. The ministry’s contact information is listed at the end of each story and the back of the book contains a detailed marriage-help resource guide.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Mae Chambers and her husband, John, have had a saved marriage since 1985. For years, they have seen the tremendous impact of sharing their own story of healing with hurting couples. Fascinated by the "power of a story," Mae teamed up with her daughter, Erika, to publish a book FULL of saved marriage stories. With a shared passion to see broken families restored, Mae and Erika founded SavedMarriagenetwork.com, which provides online access to some of the most effective marriage-saving resources available today.

Real Men Lead

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 16:11:00 +0000

This article can be found in the June issue of Think magazine by Focus Press.

Real Men Needed

When God instituted the family in Genesis, He set forth an organizational pattern that is seen throughout scripture in familial relationships and eventually in the organization of the church. This is particularly true of parenting as we see in 1 Timothy 3:4, 5. Here, Paul sets forth a direct connection to church leadership and the home, “He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care ofthe church of God . . . ?)

God uses the home as His proving ground for those who will be given the task of leading the church. The wisdom here is obvious as both are families, both have their rebels, and both have their followers, all of which are in need of love, guidance, and a Savior. It is the task of men as father figures to lead the children of both institutions toward eternal life.

Unfortunately, real men can be hard to find. In television’s “Two and a Half Men,” I doubt that any positive male characteristics were shown. The ads for the show were certainly void of any. Everywhere you look from JC Penney commercials to television and the big screen, men are the punch lines. Why? Because their role has been downplayed over the last several decades and thus minimized to an almost useless position. Our young men do not know what it is to be a man because so few of us stick it out. We do not work to fulfill our task set forth by God and thus the home and the church suffer.

In my work as a youth minister and now as a counselor, it is difficult to explain “God the Father” to a young person who has never known his or her own father. They only know that “father” is the man he has never seen or the man who never goes to his ball games or the man who does not love his mother. Many fathers are physically present but emotionally absent. Studies have also shown that ninety percent of dads are out of their children’s lives within five years after a divorce. Men do not realize the toll this is taking on our society. A noted sociologist, Dr. David Popenoe, is one of the pioneers of fatherhood research. He says, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring." (www.childwelfare.gov)

Our homes and our congregations are in desperate need of real men who will lead effectively with eternity in mind. As Jesus is the mediator between mankind and God, men are the midpoint for others to God whether they are the members of a congregation or the children in his own home. Hopefully, our congregations can supply these real men.

Firm Yet Kind

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) The part of the passage we typically focus on is the latter, “ . . . bring them up in the discipline . . . of the Lord.” We like this. It is the end result of what we hope to accomplish. The first part that gives specific instructions to fathers is often glossed over and forgotten so that the “discipline” part might be proclaimed. However, if we are to accomplish the second command, the first must be understood.

Men are called to be the leaders in the home and in the church. The “how” of doing this is often missed but is encapsulated in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger . . . .” If you can follow this passage, the ripple affects of your influence will be felt for generations. However, this verse can be confusing. “If a man is to lead a congregation of the Lord’s church or his home, is he not going to do things that make his children (those under his care) angry?” Certainly! However, there is a difference between being a man of your word with principles who leads from the heart versus one who provokes those most dependent on him with mindless actions.

A Climate of Fear: The opposite of Ephesians 6:4

All is quiet at home. It is 5:15pm. Mother is cooking, junior is doing his homework and the dog is resting on the porch. Suddenly, a truck pulls into the drive. The dog scampers away, and mom hurries to get any last minutes tasks complete before her husband (with a fiery temper) comes through the door. As he enters the kitchen, mom listens to the pace of his walk and carefully observes how he puts his lunch box down; obvious signs of whether it is going to be a good evening or a bad one. Junior continues with his work, otherwise dad might accuse him of being lazy. This is the way dad likes it; family members doing as they are told. There is little affection but plenty of fear and order.

This is the typical setting of a physically abusive family, but similar settings (although less extreme) can be found in our congregations and our homes. Men can be quick with a criticism or lack in the giving of much needed praise. A boy who never hears, “good job” from his dad may never grow into a confident man. A girl who never hears how beautiful she is from her dad may look for validation from boys who only want one thing. These scenarios do not facilitate the building of soldiers for Christ or young people who grow into healthy adults.

People were trying to bring their children to Jesus when He said, “Permit the children to come to Me . . . .” (Mark 10:14) His disposition had to have been an important factor here. The people wanted to come to Jesus. A father who does not communicate love to his family but rather promotes unhealthy fear as a motivator will create an uncomfortable climate that grows bitterness and resentment rather than faith and love.

Leading by fear can cause poor motivation, resentment, and rebellion. If I continually teach my child to fear my hand while not communicating love and respect, bitterness can set in. While corporal punishment can be effective, it is often not the best teaching tool. In a spiritual sense, we should fear Hell, but a greater depth of love moves us to the fear of missing heaven. Men, we are to do the moving. Moses helped to “move” the children of Israel out of their bondage and closer to God. This is our task.

Because of a lack of ineffective leadership, children often find guidance in the wrong places. Church members look elsewhere because they may not see the appeal of Christianity from those leading the local congregation. Do you talk about happiness and are never happy? Do you talk about self-control yet have your own vices? Do you talk about loving your wife, but your relationship is rocky at best. If we do not show that Christianity is the best way to live, our leadership at home and in the church will fail.

Bringing Them Up Is a Process

Many men lead with fear as their only tool because they do not know what else to do. While the actions of our children may legitimately anger us, we must not let this linger. It is possible to let go of the anger by realizing that bringing up and leading children is a process. Ephesians 6:4 says to “bring,” Proverbs 22:6 says to “train,” and Deuteronomy 6 tells us to “teach.” All of these are processes that take time. Plus, what does yelling at your five year old or teen really accomplish? Children are going to constantly make mistakes, and if this is accepted as a way of life, it will be much easier to handle. We must remember that it is our job as fathers to teach them the right things. They mess up. That’s why they need us.

In the story of the prodigal, the father allowing his son to leave was part of the process in the boy’s upbringing. Father’s today in similar situations eventually have to let rebellious teens (and members) go. This is the epitome of leadership that trusts in the wisdom and the timing of God to work on the hearts of those we love. In certain circumstances, this is part of the process of learning just as it was the process with God and the Israelites. “Then He gave them into the hand of the nations, and those who hated them ruled over them.” (Psalm 106:41) In both scenarios, these children came home.

If fathers and church leaders act with love and eternity as their goals rather than with fear and control, those they are responsible for will be able to speak well of them as David did in Psalm 22:4 and 5. “In You our fathers trusted . . . To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed.”

Get Marriage Counseling or A Helmet

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 10:12:00 +0000

In August of 1993, I was playing football for Smith County High School (Carthage, TN). At the opening jamboree, we played Trousdale County High School. It did not go well because TCHS kept in their best players the entire time when it's customary to play most of your squad. As we were leaving the field after the game, a fight broke out. I was in the middle of the crowd and when I looked behind me, players were taking off their helmets and racing to the action in order to join in the melee. It’s funny because this was the original reason our schools hadn't played each other in years.

When a crowd is doing something, the individuals within that crowd are likely to follow suit whether they know what is happening or not. Thousands of people are running to something at a concert? No thought is given to what it might be, more people join in and many are trampled and possibly even killed. In Tom Cruise's version of War of the Worlds, droves of people are running to get out of the city. This made them an easier target for the aliens. Not until Cruise took his own path did he find safety. A reaction to the emotional atmosphere around us is typical, but in the real and fictitious examples above, we can be lead to our demise if we don't think.

This happens in our marriages too because much emotion can be found here. Your spouse is upset, says something to you and then you become upset. A verbal fight breaks out and you take your helmet off when helmets are going to be flying. Not too smart. What did I do that hot day in 1993? I put my helmet on and backed up to see what I needed to do. I pulled one of our guys off of theirs and it was over as quickly as it had begun. In your marriage, if the dam of emotion breaks, you both can be swept away and injury can occur.

If you are fighting, the problem quite possibly began long before the first word was spoken out of anger. This is known as chaos theory or "the butterfly effect." Small differences in initial conditions will result in outcomes that are opposing. In other words, the '93 brawl actually began long before one of our hot-headed assistant coaches traded words with one of theirs. It began when their first string played our second or maybe even years before with bad blood between our towns. Similarly, arguments with your spouse or your children begin long before the first word is exchanged.

Here are some things to consider if you believe you are about to go down the rapids of an argument. How are you feeling? Are you irritated? What about? Is it something your spouse did? Is it worth discussing or are you the one with the problem? Should you just forget it? If it is with your spouse, and he/she begins asking you questions that aren't helping the situation, tell him you need some time alone and that you can come back later to discuss it.

Let's say you are attacked out of nowhere. Back up and ask, "What is happening?" "What can I do?" With this mentality, a solution can quickly be found. Here are some steps to consider if this is the case: First, think back to when you might have hurt his/her feelings or said something inappropriate. The quicker you can communicate this to your spouse, the better he/she will be relieved that you understand. Second, listen and try not to become defensive. Your goal here is to resolve the issue, not to be sleeping on the couch that night. Keep this in mind and your pride will be retained as you make a huge decision to listen, grow and meet your spouse’s needs.

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Ten Misconceptions that Hurt Christianity

noreply@blogger.com (Dale Sadler) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:44:00 +0000

The following are misconceptions some Christians believe. While there is a bit of wisdom in each, believing or stating these to the wrong person and in the wrong context can limit the power of God. The pervasiveness of some of these notions has caused many to doubt God or leave Him all together. Sometimes advice by Christians is equal to instructing a hungry person to go and be full. May these thoughts enrich your walk with Him.

1. Pray to God and all will be fine. How will it be fine and how do you know what God will answer? While we cast our cares onto Him, His answer to our prayer may actually be "no." The correct statement may need to be, "Trust in God and all will be fine." Whether Paul was free on the open seas or in a jail cell, he was content. Did his prayers immediately alleviate his troubles? No. However, his trust in God kept him faithful and content.

2. Always wear your best to church. Why? So God knows I'm right with Him? So others do? How does wearing a tie bring me closer to God? This cultural factor found within churches today causes us to focus too much on one’s dress, which can make modesty & discreetness difficult (2 Timothy 2:9).

3. Dress casually at church. Why? So I can impress people with my laid back, Christian attitude? A lack of care over what people think and how we present ourselves in formal settings does not aid in a Christian’s influence because we should be most concerned with what people think. Also, appropriate dress for certain occasions, including worship, can aid in someone's reverence for the event.

4. The church I go to teaches the right way. While we hope this, we must not be so naive to think that we hold the golden goose when it comes to doctrine. If we are right, then the word of God will speak to that, not us. One can become so stuck in this thinking that they neglect study and a true analysis of scripture.

5. When a young man becomes a Christian, we must get him leading in the worship service ASAP. This is important, as it is part of a man’s role in the church. However, leading a prayer or serving the Lord's supper is not the epitome of Christian service, but we sometimes treat it as such. Who would God be more pleased with? The man who leads prayer, teaches Bible class, and lives like the devil the rest of the time or the man who is much more faithful but doesn’t lead prayer because that’s not his talent. There’s much more to Christian service than being in front of people. Does the training of our young Christians reflect this?

6. We must get more teens in church. Getting them attending a church may actually make them hate it if the adults don't show these teens a better way than what they are currently living. They need to learn about the power of God, not just fill a pew space. Their attendance is important, but love, teaching, and guidance must also be a part of the equation. If you bring in a teen drug dealer and don't show him better, you've done nothing but give him a new set of customers.

7. Our lessons are Biblical. While Bible might be quoted a lot, is it used accurately and is it relevant? Are we trying to reach people with the power of God? Are we saying the same things every service or are we sincerely searching for what God is trying to tell us? While God may be our audience in worship, each lesson must be geared to pierce the hearts of those present. Take the lesson of the woman at the well. The lesson found here is relevant for all times, but unless the teacher/preacher bridges it to the listener of today, it’s wisdom may fall on deaf ears.

8. God is testing you with your trial (health, money, or family problems). How do you know this for certain? When giving advice to someone in distress, this is a stretch. If a weak Christian thinks God has brought the turmoil upon them, they might actually stop trusting in Him. Maybe Satan is trying to pull him away from God. Who knows? Will the person’s faith come out as gold as in 1 Peter 1:7? Sure. However, what matters is that the person trusts God enough to get them through the difficult circumstances for whatever reason they may be occurring.

9. The old ways are best. Just how Biblical are these old ways? Humans often think in irrational ways by not considering the validity of a certain point. We call it stubbornness, but it can be a bit more complicated than that. The desire to hold on to what is old can be addressed by a psychological force called “value attribution.” Value attribution means that once someone becomes committed to an idea they have placed a certain value on; it becomes very difficult to help them see the value of anything other than what they have conceived in their minds. If you look in your parents’ medicine cabinet, you might find that they are still using the same product they were using when you were a child. They have placed a certain value on that item and can’t be easily swayed into thinking that something else works better. In Acts 10, when Peter met with Cornelius, Peter references the fact that he should not even be in the company of Gentiles. Because of Peter’s faith in God, however, he changed his ways and accepted them. The old idea of considering others as unclean had been done away with. Peter accepted this new teaching and applied it to his ministry. Click here to read my complete article on this topic and on number 10.

10. Our churches need to work to be more modern. Just because something is new doesn’t mean that it is better. There is a psychological force called "diagnostic bias" that can throw a congregation into a whirlwind of decision making toward the new. After considering a potential or current plan of action, if it is dubbed “old-fashioned,” many congregations would reject it because they have “diagnosed” it as out of date. Sunday school, Bible-based sermons, and familiar songs are main stays of church work and should not be written off simply because they seem to be old. Christians need to love the Word and they can only do this through consistent Bible study. Preachers need to speak on more than what is popular and their lessons must have substance if they are expected to really change lives. Click here to read my complete article on this topic and on number 9.