In Sickness and In Health: A Place for Couples Dealing with Illness

When Grief Doesn't Come

2012-05-31T13:05:00.002-07:00

A friend's wife died a year ago of cancer. It's a Jewish tradition that at the one year death anniversary the headstone is set on the grave. This ritual is called an "unveiling." The headstone serves to identify the grave so that family and friends can find it when they visit. It is a way of finding and connected to the beloved deceased.

My friend has had a very are time finding his wife during this past year. He does not have dreams of her. He can't hear her voice. Her touch faded soon after she died.

He envies his children and friends who have regular visitations in the form of stumbling upon sweet memories at unexpected moments. Seeing a black cocker spaniel running across a field morphs into seeing her and her black cocker diving into the ocean and swimming circles around each other. Biting into a strawberry resurrects the flavor of the amazing salads she made that always had bits of sweet fruit hidden under the tart green leaves. A stranger's gesture becomes her fluid hand brushing her hair back from her forehead.

I think he fears that grief will be an endless abyss. He may be right. But I don't think it will be an endless, bottomless abyss. And since he can't yet approach the edge, he can't yet see her on the other side.

Do you know anyone who has suffered a deep loss and is having trouble grieving? Have you experienced trying to move through a grief process around your own illness experience, or your partner's? What has that been like?

When Parents are Enemies

2012-04-14T12:17:00.012-07:00

My mother passed away a few weeks ago. She died of the same condition my father died from two years ago -- hospitalitis. That is -- you go into the hospital for one serious condition, and while there, the treatment results in unintended consequences, like aspirating fluid into the lungs, central line infection, and finally sepsis, which causes death.

They were both elderly with ailments and while neither one was terminally ill, they were not averse to dying. Their deaths were terribly sad, but not tragic. They had lived lives of consequence, filled with strong and loving stories. Their most generous stories, regrettably for me, were not about each other.

They were snipers. They sprayed each other with bullets of harshness and of indifference. Any dried up piece of turf could become their battleground. My father salted the food she prepared without tasting it -- blast! My mother smoked her secret cigarettes in the bathroom and saturated the house with the sickly evergreen air freshener she used to mask the shameful smoke odor -- blast!

No hand holding. No mushy names for each other. Just the binding routines of taking care of a business and a family, which substituted for marriage.

As they got older and physically impaired, the animosity grew worse. He, once the boss of a manufacturing plant, only had her to control. She, once the supervisor of the office pool in that plant, only had her own tiny tasks left to organize. He griped at her for not getting the mail on time. She expanded her silence.

I think he really did love her and was clueless about how to ever show it in a way that could touch her. He felt his inadequacy, was defeated by its weight, and retreated into TV and food. I don't think she ever did really like him. She resented him for not being enough and punished him with her indifference.

Age and illness did not undo them as a couple. All the fractures had been there for decades, growing wider and deeper. Age and illness just represented a new terrain. It constricted the bounds of their world and gave them fewer distractions and places to hide from each other.

I loved them both. Admired them both. Not for who they were to each other, but for who they were to me and to the world. They were good and kind. They gave ceaselessly to anyone who needed their comfort or benevolence. They were smart and funny.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have had parents who knew how to love each other.

Do you have (or had) parents who are good to each other? What is that like? Are your parents more like mine? What's that like for you?

Does Illness Make You Wiser?

2012-03-18T09:00:00.003-07:00

Does suffering make you wise, or just cranky? Does illness teach you to be more compassionate, or impatient?

I'd like to believe that one of the lessons my pain gave me is to appreciate the small things that are exquisite and to let the big things that are really small just flow over me, like a passing shadow.

And I'd especially like to believe that the love and care Richard showed me as he helped me every day is a gift I treasure and return every day.

The truth is a bit of everything, as it often is.

I am wiser for having suffered. I learned about what was hidden in the inner recesses, and I learned not to be afraid of that or of anything, except more pain. I learned to accept unconditional love and unselfish caretaking -- a harder task than I imagined it would be. And, most days, I do remember that nothing is life or death, except, well, life or death.

But I do sweat the small stuff. The neighbor's car parked too close to the driveway. The colleague who oversteps his bounds and acts like a jerk while thinking he is being magnanimous. Even the remote control that's out of synch with the TV and will change the channel or adjust the volume, but not do both.

And I get cranky and impatient with Richard when he steps around the bin of recycles instead of taking it out to the curb. Or when he reads a piece of my writing and corrects the grammar instead of telling me how elegant the concepts are. I do love and appreciate him even day - just not to the exclusion of getting annoyed at the small stuff.

I wish I were wiser and more compassionate. I keep trying. I guess illness gave me potential, and the rest is up to me now.

What have you learned from your illness?

Loving After Cancer

2012-03-11T10:43:00.007-07:00

Excerpts from an article in the Jerusalem Post about a subject that rarely gets addressed. The whole article is worth reading.

The article refers to the work of two clinicians: Prof. Sharon Bober, a clinical and research psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and Dr. Rivka Klein, a Jerusalem-based clinical social worker and sex therapist who received her PhD in social work at the Hebrew University

How to bring the loving back after cancer

By JUDY SIEGEL-ITZKOVICH

It’s unfortunately an “unmentionable” subject that even makes many physicians blush – and many others avoid raising the subject at all. But as growing numbers of cancer survivors want to resume intimate relations with their partners, raising awareness of the problem and offering clinical help need to be put on the agenda.

... Returning to one’s previous level of intimacy can often be a problem, because surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and hormonal medications may cause a lot of long-term side effects that interfere with sex.”

Sexuality, she says, is an experience at the junction of mind, body and relationship, and cancer treatment can affect all of those elements. From the first session, she tells patients that sexual dysfunction deserves as much attention as any other quality-of-life issue; that the problems should not cause embarrassment or shame; and that there are treatments that really work.

Cancer treatment may result in heart damage, kidney problems and disruptions of both male and female sexual function.

Men can become impotent, while women who had ovarian cancer can be propelled into early menopause. Other types of cancer can also have side effects.

....the example of one 38-year-old woman who suddenly lost her ovaries to cancer. “She hadn’t been told about what would come next in her life. She wasn’t ready for it. Her doctors told her she should be happy to be alive. But she and her partner suffered from her hot flashes, vaginal dryness, fatigue, dramatic loss of estrogen and lack of libido. She was depressed.”

Usually, either the patient is ashamed to raise the issue or afraid to embarrass their doctor – or the physician doesn’t know enough to raise it or afraid to embarrass the patient.”

The longer patients wait to undergo rehabilitation of their sexual functions, the harder it is to preserve.

“There are a lot of people who specialize in sexual medicine, but only a small subset who work with cardiac and cancer survivors and medical illness. Even younger cardiologists and oncologists may feel no obligation to talk about sexual function with their patients or don’t like to discuss it themselves. We have studied primary care doctors, many of whom weren’t prepared for broaching the subject.”

But “patients usually need psychological treatment, an integrative mind/body model. Women who have had a mastectomy, for example, usually feel very unattractive.

“It would be great if not only doctors were educated and willing to discuss these issues, but patients were also willing to hear about them,” they conclude. “There is no reason why people have to suffer in silence. They have suffered enough already."

When the Illness Tide Turns

2012-02-26T12:11:00.008-08:00

Wait a minute. I'm the sick one here. I have the mysterious pain condition that gets me a first class ticket on the medical specialties train. You ask me how am I doing today. You notice the slightest blip in my demeanor and wonder if I forgot to take my meds again. You come to my medical appointments with me to be my buddy and my memory.

Richard got the news from his cardiologist that his heart is showing signs of enlargement. We have known he has a congenital valve issue and that some day (in a galaxy far, far away I always thought) he would need heart surgery. Over the past couple of months he has had blood work, worn a twenty-four hour halter heart monitor, had a treadmill stress test, and had a two and a half hour cardiac MRI (which experience his brother describes as akin to being in a coffin on a construction site). We are lining up the specialists for him.

The worry-vane is now being spun about by his condition. I had grown used to him being the allay-er of anxieties and the carrier of hope for my recovery. It's been a long time since I thought of him as fragile in any way. He has a damn black belt in Tae Kwon Do ! If that's not a guarantee of longevity, even immortality, then what is?

I am, of course, doing my best to show him the amount of concern he can tolerate and the level of optimism I truly feel. I am feeding him beets and spinach and kiwis and quinoa. He has, with my quiet acquiesence, taken over control of the TV remote control device. I try to make him laugh. I hold him close.

I don't like this new equation. I'd prefer to be the sufferer than the one bearing witness, helpless to make it all better. We have, thankfully, lived long enough so that the illness tide is turning, and Richard is getting swamped. In my heart, I do know that one thing we excel at is holding hands and rowing together. It's my turn to build up some calluses.

Has this kind of turn ever happened in your relationship?

Broken Heart Syndrome

2012-02-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

Broken heart syndrome -- not just an invention of romance novelists. Takotusbo cardiomyopathy, or sudden heart failure linked to extreme stress, is also known as broken heart syndrome and is most prevalent in post-menopausal women. The heart receives a flood of stress hormones that causes ballooning of the left ventricle, chest pains, shortness of breath, and an irregular heartbeat. An especially stressful physical or emotional situation, such as a traumatic injury or the sudden death of a family member, can set off an attack.

Richard and I have joked that we want to die at the same moment at the age of 90 while scuba diving of Grand Cayman Island. Neither one of us wants to survive the other for very long. What follows is a sad-sweet story of a long-term partners who died minutes apart from each other.

"James and Marjorie Landis of Westmont, Pa., were married and inseparable for 65 years. They died this week just 88 minutes apart.

Marjorie, 87, passed away Monday after a long illness.

James, 88, died an hour and 28 minutes later of a heart attack. He was at his wife's side when she died.

"The last thing he said to her was, 'It's OK. I love you. We had many good years goether. I will see you real soon,'" said the couple's granddaughter, Erin Miller.

'I just think he died of a broken heart. I don’t think they could have lived apart from each other.'

The cause of the death of bereaved longtime spouses, the study found, can be a condition known as takotusbo cardiomyopathy or sudden heart failure linked to an emotional experience. Some experts have dubbed the condition 'broken heart syndrome.'"

What Happens When the Caretaking Partner Gets Sick?

2012-02-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

She is in her late fifties. A financial planning executive with a successful bi-coastal business that requires frequent flying and rushed meals. While not athletic, she has always been active. In that out-of-nowhere way that illness sometimes hits, she came down with a systemic infection that flattened her and almost literally took her breath away. Sitting exhausted her, and any activity left her panting for air. She has been treated for the past six months with a combination of antibiotics, steroids, and rest. She is not who she was, and is still discovering who she can be.

Her husband has been a loving and attentive caretaker. He took charge of their interactions with the world - from grocery shopping to medical specialist hunting. When she was too exhausted to shower, he bathed her. He went to every doctor visit with her and remembered the information she was too distracted to hold onto. Her job was to rest and recover. He took care of everything else.

Then, he was clipped by a car while riding his bicycle. His ankle was broken. Now he is in pain, and his mobility is severely limited. And he feels rotten - for himself and for the ways in which he can no longer help her.

They are trying their best to be kind and loving to each other; that has always been their way. But pain and exhaustion take a toll on the best intentions.

They have a community of friends who are pitching in to help. And they have an excellent collection of take-out menus from restaurants that deliver.

Underneath the practical and emotional strains, they are strong, and they are scared. A lot - like laundry and work projects - doesn't get done. They look to the future for signs that things will get better because the present is one big ball of uncertainty and hurt.

Have you ever been in the situation where the caretaking partner got sick or had an accident? How did that affect your living situation? And what helped you cope?

Check Out This Week's Grand Rounds

2012-01-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's hosted by USA Today. It will appear serially in four separate postings throughout the day today. The four topical areas are:

Health tips
True stories
Myth busters & controversies
Healthcare costs

Cohabitation or Marriage: Which is Better for Your Health and Happiness?

2012-01-22T07:06:00.000-08:00

My guess is that this study did not look at couples living with serious illness in one or both partners. I wonder what the findings would have been if they had? I'm not suggesting that marriage weathers the stress of illness better than cohabitation, or vice versa. Nor am I suggesting that the legal ties of marriage mean couples tend to stay together during illness (nor am I suggesting that staying together is the right thing for all couples). It's just interesting, and not surprising, to me that the inevitable period of illness in a long-term relationship is not part of a study like this.

What are your thoughts? The study summary is below:

Study finds few well-being advantages to marriage over cohabitation

Benefits of marriage reduce over time while cohabiting couples experience greater happiness and self esteem

A new study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family reveals that married couples experience few advantages for psychological well-being, health, or social ties compared to unmarried couples who live together. While both marriage and cohabitation provide benefits over being single, these reduce over time following a honeymoon period.

"Marriage has long been an important social institution, but in recent decades western societies have experienced increases in cohabitation, before or instead of marriage, and increases in children born outside of marriage," said Dr Kelly Musick, Associate Professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University's College of Human Ecology. "These changes have blurred the boundaries of marriage, leading to questions about what difference marriage makes in comparison to alternatives."

Previous research has sought to prove a link between marriage and well-being, but many studies compared marriage to being single, or compared marriages and cohabitations at a single point in time.

This study compares marriage to cohabitation while using a fixed-effects approach that focuses on what changes when single men and women move into marriage or cohabitation and the extent to which any effects of marriage and cohabitation persist over time.

Dr Musick drew a study sample from the National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH) of 2,737 single men and women, 896 of whom married or moved in with a partner over the course of 6 years. The study focused on key areas of well-being, considering questions on happiness, levels of depression, health, and social ties.

The results showed a spike in well-being immediately following both marriage and cohabitation as couples experienced a honeymoon period with higher levels of happiness and fewer depressive symptoms compared to singles. However, these advantages were short lived.

Marriage and cohabitation both resulted in less contact with parents and friends compared to remaining single – and these effects appeared to persist over time.

"We found that differences between marriage and cohabitation tend to be small and dissipate after a honeymoon period. Also while married couples experienced health gains – likely linked to the formal benefits of marriage such as shared healthcare plans – cohabiting couples experienced greater gains in happiness and self-esteem. For some, cohabitation may come with fewer unwanted obligations than marriage and allow for more flexibility, autonomy, and personal growth" said Musick.

"Compared to most industrial countries America continues to value marriage above other family forms," concluded Musick. "However our research shows that marriage is by no means unique in promoting well-being and that other forms of romantic relationships can provide many of the same benefits."

Does Lisa Swayze (wife of actor Patrick Swayze) Have Super Powers?

2012-01-15T07:25:00.000-08:00

Lisa Niemi Swayze has written a book about her experiences loving and losing her husband Patrick Swayze after a 21 month battle with pancreatic cancer. The book is titled: Worth Fighting For.

One review I read said:

"...The memoir reveals just how much one woman can change, when forced to confront the horrors of illness and the inevitability of those final moments. We witness the transformation of Lisa from a terrified creature who begs her just-diagnosed husband ‘Please don’t make me do this’, to the superwoman who refuses to give in, confronts every grim aspect of his nursing care and brings him home to die..."

They were two exceptional and normal people, as we all are, who loved each other and did the best they could. I confess I find it unfair to Lisa, and to the rest of us, to characterize her as a "superwoman." This makes it seem that her efforts came from some special source of rare super power she has access to, as opposed to the power that naturally derives from love and empathy - and that she is in a different class of being than the rest of us who live in the realm of illness with our partner.

What do you think?

One Illness; Two Victims

2012-01-02T14:50:00.000-08:00

This comment just came in on an older post. I think it is well worth re-posting:

Married 36 years and the last 7 years my husband has been a paraplegic due to a mass on his spinal cord. There are TWO victims here. Him and I, and I feel like I am paralyzed right in the middle of my life. I wish I were the one dying or dead. I was not happily married to him before his surgery and I was waiting for the kids to at least be in college before I left the marriage. Now I am stuck taking care of a man who hit me and verbally abused me up until the day he got sick. Now I do it to myself because I am too much of a wimp to leave him. Thank you for letting me say this out loud, my mom died 6 years ago and I have no one to hear my pain.

I have found readers of this blog to be very sensitive to the complexities of living with illness as part of your relationship. Solutions can be elusive. Problems are complicated and simple advice that usually has the word "just" in it (like - "why don't you just leave him" or "why don't you just eat less and get some exercise) often isn't substantive enough to be of real help.

What thinking can you offer the writer of the comment above? What have you learned from your experiences as ill partner or well, caretaking partner that you can share with this author?

May this holiday season and New Year bring you what you most desire

2011-12-24T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm a sucker for these interspecies relationship clips. Here's one that shows not only can love cross boundaries, but so can kindness.

If Your Partner Had Become Sick While You Were Dating, Would You Have Committed to the Relationship?

2011-12-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

For many of us, first came the relationship and then came the illness or serious accident.

We met, fell in love, committed or got married, and then illness became the uninvited third member of the relationship. By the time illness entered, we had joined bank accounts, mixed laundry, combined dish sets, and co-mingled friends and dreams. There was a relatively solid platform for the relationship, and illness landed on that platform. When you're still dating, you might be in love, but the platform isn't that solid yet.

If your sweetie had become ill with a serious condition (perhaps the same one he or she has now) while you were still dating, would you have committed to the relationship?

The sad-sweetness of holidays

2011-11-26T07:17:00.000-08:00

My friend lost his wife eight months ago to leukemia. One month ago his grand-daughter was born. Her middle name is his wife's first name. This was his first Thanksgiving without his life partner in over 35 years. No one mentioned her name or spoke about Thanksgivings past - perhaps for fear of upsetting him. He did not speak of her either - perhaps for fear of darkening the day.

I think the not speaking made the day more lonely for all of them. Since they could not talk about the sadness of her absence, they couldn't reach the sweetness her presence brought to the table in years passed.

I don't know about you, but I think it's far better to speak and hold the sorrow than to sit alone together in silence.

Remember Love?

2011-11-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite poems - and the only one I know by heart:

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least:

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee,--and then my state

(Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings'.

Sonnet 29, William Shakespeare

This weekend I went to the wedding of two exquisite people. I've known him since he was a child, and although I just met her a few years ago, I feel as if she is my sister/grandmother/daughter/friend. They are in love and in health. They can make beautiful plans and unravel tightly wound knots with optimism. They have time. They have the luxury of taking today for granted and concentrating on building their tomorrow on a foundation of great expectations.

It was a joy and a liberation to join in their celebration. Because even those of us who have passports to regularly visit the kingdom of the sick, as Susan Sontag describes it, need to be reminded of how penetrating love can be. Love is the hand that can point us toward a better moment, the arm that can encircle us when we are shrouded in our own misery, and the essence that can metabolize a depleted spirit into something lighter and more buoyant.

L'chaim -- to life!

Grand Rounds is Up

2011-10-18T17:41:00.001-07:00

Grand Rounds is a weekly collection of posts from all corners of the healthcare blog world. This week it's hosted at: Sumer's Radiology Site.

Sharing the Worry

2011-10-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

One habit Richard and I got into when I was at my worst was to share the worry. Some days I was so laden with worry -- What if I can't get an appointment with the one specialist who can cure me? What if I have to wait three months to see her? What if she winds up letting me down too? What if the new meds undo whatever slim good the old meds were providing? What if I'm in too much pain to make it to my niece's graduation celebration next year? What if... what if... what if...???

A wise person once said to me, "Don't worry twice." Don't pre-worry about a set of circumstances that live in the future. Good advice....but...

Sometimes worrying was the most energetic I could be. Worrying kept me tethered to the possibility of some other reality, one in which I didn't suffer, in which I didn't have to watch Richard flail, helpless to make me better.

Sometimes worrying was the only lifeline I could muster. You know what I mean?

But sometime worrying became too encompassing, too heavy. It flattened me.

Those were the times when Richard would step in and ask me if he could carry some of my worry load. "What can you let go of, even for an hour?" he would ask. There was always something. I pretended to put it on the table, and he pretended to pick it up. Sometimes, you are what you pretend to be, and this little scenario would often make me feel a bit lighter. On more enlightened days, I would realize that if I could let go of one worry, why not two, five, all of them. As long as Richard was safeguarding them for me and could return them upon request, I could let them go.

What do you do with your worries - as ill or as well partner? Do you protect your partner from them? Do you share them? Do they overwhelm you quietly? Do you release them?

Pat Robertson is Dead Wrong!!

2011-09-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

Many of you probably read about or saw clips of Pat Robertson's recent foot-in-mouth episode. He recopmmended that a man who had been taking care of his wife who is ill with Alzheimer's think of her as the "walking dead" and get a divorce and find a new companion. Oh yes, and make sure his wife is getting good "custodial" care.

WHAT!!!!!! you may say.

Well here is what I and my colleague said in a recent op ed published in the Chicago Tribune:

Pat Robertson is dead wrong

By Barbara Kivowitz and Roanne Weisman

September 23, 2011

A person with Alzheimer's is not "kind of" dead. Not by a long shot. And televangelist Pat Robertson should know better than to speak flippantly from a position of authority on a matter that is complicated, nuanced and deeply personal.

As we learned through interviews with many couples, as well as with medical, spiritual, legal, rehabilitation and psychological experts, while writing "In Sickness As In Health: Helping Couples with the Complexities of Illness," couples find their way to deal with illnesses and catastrophic injuries.

We know what we are talking about when we say Robertson should beware of trying to make blanket statements without the benefit of knowing all the facts and issues. We have found that dealing with illness is a deeply intimate part of the couple relationship. What is right for one couple may be completely wrong for another.

When illness invades the couple relationship, partners ask themselves and each other some really hard questions: "What do I want to do for this person whom I have loved for many years?" "How much of my life do I give up to take care of my beloved?" "How do I sit by my beloved's side and watch her suffer?"

Robertson's assertion that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer's is justified because she is "gone" is more than simply callous and insulting to anyone who has ever loved another. It goes to the heart of both morality and medical ethics. Physicians struggle every day to counsel families about the right time to cut off life support. Ethicists struggle to balance the impact of devastating disease with the persistence of the essential self.

To announce that someone is "gone" when she still has an emotional life — not to mention sensation in her skin, organs and tissues — is to dismiss her as a human being.

For those who find themselves at the intersection of lifetime love and overwhelming obligation, the right path is often painful and difficult to find. Robertson should have counseled this husband — and all partners grieving over the illness of their loved one — to seek psychological support, medical information, spiritual guidance and ultimately to look inside themselves and their relationship to determine the right thing to do. Instead he advised the husband of the ill woman to make sure the wife has custodial care before divorcing her and starting all over again.

He presumes too much.

Barbara Kivowitz, a consultant and psychotherapist in Boston, and Roanne Weisman, a science writer and author in Boston, are co-authors of the forthcoming book "In Sickness As In Health: Helping Couples Cope with the Complexities of Illness."

What Couple-Related Decisions Have You Made Because of Illness?

2011-09-03T12:32:00.001-07:00

There is so much uncertainty that accompanies illness, but one thing is certain -- illness brings change into how you think about yourself and your relationship. Illness can be a suppressant, but it can also be an activator. Illness can become a box into which you and your partner put your dreams; or it can be a catalyst to accelerating plans and making new decisions.

My illness led to our getting the most amazing dog in the universe (as is yours). It also led to writing a book about couples and illness. And it deepened Richard's and my ability to talk about the hardest topics.

Below is an excerpt from an article about a couple who decided to get married because he was about to undergo surgery for a cancerous tumor.

Geneva couple marries days before life-threatening surgery

by Frank Vaisvils, 8/31/11

David Bieszke of Geneva wasn’t going to give up on asking his girlfriend of 18 years, Jennifer Pedersen, to marry him, and she returned that persistence by insisting doctors treat her would-be husband for his chronic illness even when they were told nothing was wrong.

David’s health slowly deteriorated in recent years, and his family doctor was perplexed about the cause. Meanwhile, David experienced chronic fatigue and pain began growing in his abdomen.

In April, Jennifer’s persistence led doctors to diagnose David with a 10-inch cancerous tumor choking a major blood vessel in his chest.

He underwent a six-hour surgery on April 29 at Loyola Hospital in Maywood.

Fearing she might regret not marrying him if anything happened during surgery, Jennifer finally said “yes” to David and the two were married in front of a Kane County judge three days before the surgery.

At a time when most newly married couples would be celebrating their future together, this pair’s fate was anything but certain as David entered the operating room.
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What significant positive plans or decisions have you and your partner made because of illness?

Is There a Cure for Divorce?

2011-08-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

While this article doesn't refer to illness, I thought it might be interesting to you for it's take on how to thwart divorce. Divorce and serious illness are not strangers to each other. In one study, when the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage; but among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced.

Excerpts from:
IS THERE A CURE FOR DIVORCE?
by David Wygant
Huffington Post
8/22/11

.....A relationship does not just end over night. It takes time. But there is that point in the relationship where the marriage "jumps the shark," as they say. It's often that one thing that happens over and over again, without the ability to change or compromise, and both partners emotionally close down on each other.

So when that one thing comes up, instead of shutting down, putting up your dukes, or setting down your battleground lines--basically letting your ego take over--what if that moment, when everything started going haywire, you actually do the exact opposite of what you normally do? What if, instead, you thought to yourself, "What does my partner need right now, what does my partner need today that makes them feel loved, and how can I provide that for them?"

So many times we really do know how to love the other partner, we know what they need and how to provide it. But we refuse to do those things because they're not doing things for us, they're not giving us what we want. That's probably how the majority of relationships end. The If-you-don't-do-it-for-me-I'm-not-going-to-do-it-for-you syndrome, and then a couple years later you're divorced, angry, pissed off, and ready to start over with the hope of a fresh new relationship. One that will probably repeat itself if you did not learn the lesson the first time around.

We refuse to love our partner the way they need, so the battlegrounds are drawn. Once the battlegrounds are drawn, you can kiss that relationship goodbye because there is no way in the world you're going to give in at that point. And neither is your partner. It often becomes a very dangerous tit-for-tat game that has no chance in hell of ever surviving or finding the love in the relationship again.

Relationships are a beautiful thing, and we could cut down on the divorce rate dramatically if we just spent a little bit of time every single day loving our partners instead of responding by how they treat or have treated us.....

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Your thoughts?

Daring to Hope?

2011-08-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

I recently started a new medication, which may be having a positive effect on my pain condition. This is the first major, desirable shift in over ten years.

For the first few months on this medication, I couldn't even allow myself to think that my pain could be controlled with only one, relatively benign drug. And I certainly couldn't express hope out loud. I did not want to offer any bait to evil spirits lingering in my vicinity, eager to pounce on optimism and turn it into yet another disappointment.

Over the years I have consulted most genres of specialists - from neurologists to gynecologists to uro-gynecologists to orthopedists to rheumatologists. I even saw a tropical medicine specialist. In my desperation, I also wandered over onto the fringe side of the healing spectrum and got some comfort from crystals and potions - although no decrease in my pain.

I have been primed to expect defeat. Richard, an optimist and scientist, has always believed in probability. And probability tells him that if I try enough options, some of them will work. His mantra has been: "There's always something more to try."

More often than not, I found this phrase to be exhausting. It left me feeling like a parched wanderer in an endless desert forcing myself to rise up to scale one more sand dune in the hopes of reaching an ever-vanishing oasis.

Recently, Richard began to give voice to hopes of recovery. I told him, "Shush. Be quiet." I'm not ready yet to broadcast.

For now, reaching toward hope is harder than anticipating more pain.

Grand Rounds is Up

2011-08-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

at Dr Deb's site. It's a collection of posts from the health care world. Have a look.

Dislocated Shoulder -- Relationship Realignment

2011-08-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

While hiking a steep mountain trail on vacation in Acadia National Park in Maine, my foot found the only rock with slime on it. I went down with a bang and dislocated my shoulder.

Richard and I had to hike back up to the road and hail a ride to the local hospital. Now, I've known pain, years of it. But this pain was a new taste treat and had me groaning and cursing and counting down the seconds until the nurse dripped some morphine into my vein, and then some more.

They were able to relocate my shoulder fairly easily and with that, the pain subsided.

Richard was by my side throughout -- helping me hike to the road, holding my stuff, sitting by my bed in the hospital. He was present and hugely helpful. And as the days passed and I had to learn to meet the world left-handed, he continued to be responsive to my requests for assistance and to problem solve.

He was wonderful, but I felt alone and wanted more -- and illegitimate for feeling greedy when he was trying so hard.

What was missing for me was overt empathy. At the same time I worked to be independent and do it all myself, I was a wounded bird who just wanted to be sheltered and babied. I did my best to tie my shoelaces one-handed while trying to ignore my yearnings to have my needs anticipated without speaking them aloud and to be cuddled and coddled and told that it would all be OK.

After a few days, I could no longer sustain this inner tension. I was growing weary of the strain and resentful of Richard's helpfulness without emotional empathy. We finally had a talk.

I tried to tell him what I was missing without blaming him for not providing it. I cheered his efforts at practical support and told him, as explicitly as I could, that I both accepted him and loved him, and still felt the sadness of not getting the kind of loving my injury had awakened.

He listened. And he tried to give me more emotional support. When he saw me struggle to wrap my sling around my shoulder he said to me, "I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I wish I could make it all better." His saying that made it far better for me than any attempts to help me adjust my sling.

The more I thought about the specifics of my current situation, the more I realized that the condition of being in a close relationship periodically involves the existence of a gap between what you get and what you feel you want. The gap of life.

The tricky part is not to deny the reality and legitimacy of your wants; while at the same time not punishing your partner for not fulfilling them and (and this is the trickiest bit) accepting him, with love and gratitude, for who he is and for staying in the conversation with you.

To hold both the love and the sadness, and sit side-by-side in the gap of life, together.

Do you know what I mean?

What Do You Do When Illness Makes Sex Impossible?

2011-07-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your partner is no longer interested in or capable of sexual intimacy with you?

Illness takes many tolls, on both partners. One of them is too often sexual intimacy. Medications, pain, and exhaustion can not only turn a libido off, but it can also make intercourse painful for the ill partner. The well partner may be just too drained after a long day of caretaking, working, caring for the kids, and running the household to want anything more intimate than falling asleep side-by-side. And the shift illness produces in some partner relationship -- turning a bond of equals into one of caretaker - patient -- can make sex feel like a taboo.

For some couples, their sexual connection had always been a source of joy that filtered into the rest of the relationship, making it glow. For other couples, sex was routine and its effects remained in the bedroom. For others, sex was never a strong part of the connection.

Whatever your pre-illness sexual habits were, illness too often disturbs them. Intercourse may no longer be possible. Even touching can be problematic. Some couples whose sexual experiences were mainly physical, now find they actually have to talk about what feels good and what doesn't.

Through talking about sex, couples may find themselves entering surprisingly deeper levels of connection, and describing desires that before illness were invisible.

Some couples find ways of being intimate without intercourse. Some are able to stay connected without any form of physical intimacy. Some break apart. Some partners seek sex outside of the relationship, with or without the knowledge of their partner. (note: for the sake of safety and integrity, I would recommend that this be discussed between the partners).

I'm interested in hearing about your situation. Has your sexual relationship changed? How have you managed to deal with illness and physical intimacy?

Grands Rounds is Up

2011-06-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

at Colorado Heath Insurance Insider - a collection of the week's health care blog posts. Have a look.