Inside/Outside

take 2: january 13th – inside/out

Kirst — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 17:36:19 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just after dinner on Thursday evening. Where do I start? What a day. Thank you for being so supportive when I called, that was such a blessing.

I had been reeling from the day’s events and the decisions weighing on my mind. Being able to talk with you is what I had craved. You are my partner, teammate and best friend…and I just wanted to dicuss things with you. Oh how I miss just being able to talk with you, in person and face to face. I value your opinion and input and feel lost sometimes because I don’t have you with me. God joined us together, so it feels foreign to not be near to you. Your reassuring tone and words of encouragement, like the confirmation I had made the right decision regarding the chow sever role, were exactly what I needed. Nothing else could satisfy that feeling of longing that I had. Thank you for loving me and being the strong shoulder when I needed it. I was barely keeping it together, so close to tears. My emotional state was not very steady, that is for sure.

Now that I think about it, I wasn’t much of a support for you. I think I monopolized the situation with my needs and never fully got to hear about your day. Sorry sweetheart, didn’t mean for the phone call to progress that way. Please know, though, that I will be praying about the outbreak on the campus. And that you will be spared any of the discomfort and suffering associated with it. Actually it’s kind of like a mini disaster effort with everyone banding together to take care of the those afflicted. I think you mentioned the rapid response of the Gatorade team. Let the folks know the Bible Study will also be praying for them.

And once I hung up the phone I felt a great sense of peace and confirmation. It is such a gift for me to be a man/husband to know that his wife is proud of him and 100% behind him. But that gift can be achieved if the man is whole heartedly seeking God’s will in every decision. What I am trying to say is that I cherish your love and suport, it means the world to me.

And as an added confirmation that I had made the right decision on the chow sever job. I had two people wanting to talk to me immediately when I got off the phone. It took it as a sign that God was reaffirming my role as a sort of counselor here to these guys. Plus I had already had two other guys approach me earlier in the afternoon wanting to talk. I’m learning and growing too. An example of God’s divine wisdom. And that’s what really excites me anyway, listening to their cares and concerns and then offering them suggestions/advice based on Scripture.

I got to share with Cannon my joy in having a wife of noble character. He and I are good friends and close Christian brothers, so he’s heard me speak of you often. And as I shared with him my desire to talk with you and my need to discuss issues of my day with you, his image of Christian marriage came into clearer focus. The husband honoring the wife, and the wife honoring the husband, working through issues of life, each fully trusting in God’s perfect ways. What a neat thing for a young, single Christian man to be able to see. You may very well be a yard stick by which he measures his potential mate. And that, coupled with prayers, will get him the wife of his dreams!

I have a couple more stories to share, one with Tony and one with Arturo, but I’ll have to share them tomorrow.

Hold on…they just moved Carlos to another tank. I knew he had been without a cellie for 3-4 days, but I never even thought they might move him. Wow, what a shock. This is going to leave a big whole, this is going to hurt for a long while. I watched him walk out the door and I still can’t believe it. As he left I stopped to offer up a prayer for him. I pray that he is well received and that they see the benefit of the many things he brings to the table. Man, this is hard. I worshipped every day for the past four months with this guy. I am really going to miss him.

I’ll write more later, I have much praying to do before I go to sleep. Thank you, once again, for loving me so well.

I love you, Scott

take 2: january 12th – inside/out

Kirst — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 19:50:27 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just before dinner on Wednesday evening. Today has been busy. It started with a trip to the clinic to get a chest x-ray. When I had visited with the nurse on Monday, he had mentioned that he would be ordering it. He thought he had heard something when he listened to my lungs and ordered the x-ray just to be on the safe side. Being at the clinic was an experience in itself. There were guys sitting in the waiting area that had been there for hours. Thankfully I only had to site there through one episode of “Starting Over” and then one “Law and Order.” The cool part was I actually got to watch a whole episode of something, which is a rarity in here. In the tank the channel changes quite frequently.

Anyway, they took two quick chest x-rays and the the tech looked them over immediately. He though he saw bronchitis, but mentioned that the x-rays would be “read” later that day and I would find out in 3-4 days. So we’ll see.

The minute I got back into the tank, I was called out for an official visit. It was PI from Grover’s office. Grover had sent him to let me know in advance of the continuance that will be offered in court tomorrow. And while I am not any less happy about the decision, I appreciate the gesture. Grover didn’t have to do that, but I sense that that is just the way he operates. He is a real class act and very thorough. Again, I am glad that we have him on our side as a part of the team.

Now when I got back from my visit I was met with another challenge with my cellie. He has a way of getting himself into serious situations. This is definitely not a good place to be with a habit like that. I wound up spending quite a bit of time and effort mending fences. I’m not even entirely sure that things are smoothed over, probably just pacified. I’m praying that he leaves tonight for prison and that the problems leave with him. If he doesn’t leave tonight, the next possible days are Monday and Wednesday nights of next week. He just doesn’t have the ability to control his anger and allows people to get him riled up. I’ve been working with him to find alternate ways of dealing with difficult people, as well as productive ways to channel those feelings/emotions. But the lessons learned in this place don’t often come easy.

Here is a bright spot of the day. My name was submitted for a possible chow server. We’ll see what materializes. Let’s continue to pray that if it’s God’s will I will get it.

I really miss being able to talk with you. We haven’t had a one on one conversation in awhile. The way things have been operating around here lately, I really not sure when I’ll get the chance to call you late at night. Maybe this Friday or Saturday night, since we normally get to stay up later on those days. I just miss you and want to reconnect. Not being able to makes me feel incomplete, or out of step. Know what I mean?

OK, Scriptures from the day, found in James.

When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, he will lift you up and give you honor. 4:10

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results. 5:16

That last one is one that I have had memorized for quite awhile now. It is also the verse that is on the bottom of that picture at the end of the hall by the kids’ rooms. I love that picture!

I’ll write more tomorrow. Please know of my deep love and respect for you. Kiss our babies goodnight for me.

I love you! Scott

take 2: january 11th – inside/out

Kirst — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 18:00:04 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just before dinner on Tuesday evening. The day has been good, but I am heavy-hearted. My conversation with Bob was a difficult one and not what I had anticipated. I am sorry that things are not moving as quickly as we had hoped. I pray that the Lord gives us reassurance that He is still in control. In my heart I know that He is faithful and has us in his care, but right now I am fighting my feeling of selfishness, just wanting to be home with you guys. I also know that we serve a God that can make the impossible possible, so I am not giving up hope on our speedy reunion. I’m confident that God wants me home with my family, but in His timing. I pray that He will continue to provide for us financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically as we seek to walk according to his timetable, His will. I also pray that He gives us comfort during the hard days, like today. And that we’ll be faithful to praise Him, whether we are in the valleys or on the mountain tops.

Jim shared a passage of Scripture with me today that I know was from the Lord. Amazing that God knew what we would be going through tonight, emotionally, and he used Jim to deliver the salve. It shouldn’t amaze me, but it does. Here is the Scripture:

Rejoice always,
Pray without ceasing,
No matter what happens, always be thankful,
For this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus
I Thes. 5:16-18

That last part is hard sometimes, always being thankful is a tall order. But it reminds me that I am not God, and that He knows the full picture and that He has our best interest in mind. I’m not privy to all of the things He has going on in the background and that I should just Be still and know that I am God. I need to simply trust that He is God and that His will will be done. Easier said than done sometimes, but this is when a person’s faith is really tested. This is when that trust in Him is built. This is when, if we are faithful, He will draw us near to Him and show us a part of His glory. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly no fan of “patient endurance,” but I do know what that leads to. 2 Peter 1:5-8 tells us:

So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life. Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence. A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge ou our Lord Jesus Christ.

I want to, in the midst of this disappointment, keep proper perspective. I keep telling myself that this is just a season of our lives, and hopefully a short one, and that a month here or there in the grand scheme of things shouldn’t really upset me. But it does, I can’t help it. I don’t want to spend a second more away from you than I have to. So I will pray that God shows us both to do with these feelings, so that they can be productive and not destructive. We can’t let it derail us or sidetrack us from the work assigned to us by the Lord Jesus Christ. Acts 20:24

We need to remain strong in our resolve to press on, abiding in Him for the strength we’ll need. And I pray that His fingerprints were all over this situation. I am sure we will!

I’ll write more later. God has promised to never leave us or forsake us. He has brought, or actually carried, us this far so I will trust in Him to see it through. Let us count our many blessings, name them one by one, for we are truly blessed. Thank you Father!

Know that I am missing you tonight, wishing I could hold you in my arms. I will meet you in my prayers and see you in my dreams, my love.

I love you, Scott

take 2: january 10th – inside/out

Kirst — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:51:20 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just before dinner on Monday evening. It has been one of those days that really makes me glad I have the Lord. I’m always glad about that, but today I was especially glad. Ah, you know what I mean. The majority of the day, excluding the time at Bible Study, was spent cleaning up messes. I relied on the Lord’s wisdom to guide me and His strength to perservere. Looking back now upon the day’s events I feel like things turned out okay. Thank you Lord!

My Psalm reading for today was 89, 90 and 91. But I happened on Psalm 37, it was referenced in a devotional I was doing, and I was encouraged by these verses (5, 6 and 7):

Take delight in the Lord,
and He will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust Him, and He will help you.
He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn,
and the justice of the cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
And wait patiently for Him to act.

The Psalms are always so encouraging and uplifting. I love reading them. Jim and I are both going through them right now and it has been fun to compare notes and share insights. I really look forward to our Tuesdays together.

I look forward to Tuesdays in general. Besides spending time in the Word with Jim, we usually have Bible Study in the “G” room with Chaplain Vince. It is so encouraging to be able to get together with a large (around 20) group of believers. We are finishing up our study on Ephesians and will be turning in our lesson sheets/homework tomorrow. I’m curious as to what book we will be studying next. I sincerely hope I am not here to complete it though.

I’m back. While I was writing to you I felt the Holy Spirit directing me to pray. There was no specific direction or name impressed upon me, so I just prayed. And as I prayed I felt a joy and peace filling me to overflowing. I must have prayed for 15 minutes. It felt so good I just kept going, feeling closer and closer to Him all the while. What an awesome God we serve! And of course, I prayed for all my little chickens.

I really enjoy making memories with you. We have some great ones! But I have a feeling that they are nothing compared to the ones we are still yet to make. God has some wonderful things in store for us, I am confident of this.

Gotta get this in the mail. Sorry the envelope feels so light. I’ll write more tomorrow. What a picture I have to paint–I’m in my cell, The Simpsons is blaring on the TV outside, my cellie is snoring, and I have a smile on my face because I am thinking of you. I just has to share that with you, hope it makes you smile too. Thank you for being you. And if nobody has told you today that you are beautiful, which is hard to believe, allow me to. You are beautiful! I am blessed to have you as my wife.

I love you, Scott

take 2: outside/in

Kirst — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 17:16:21 +0000

Hi Babe,

I have been carrying this card around for weeks. I am sorry I haven’t done a better job of writing.

Tyler and Sara took all three kids home last night and I got to pray with Debbie and Gretchen. I am enclosing a copy of the notes we took.

You have matured so much spiritually. I am so proud of you.

It’s Friday night–want to go on a date? Let’s go to the movies to see Spanglish with Adam Sandler. Come home!

I love you, Kirst

P.S. I have enclosed Kayti’s report card.

take 2: january 9th – inside/out

Kirst — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 16:59:49 +0000

It’s just before dinner on Sunday evening. Today was a roller coaster of a day. Church service today was on the TV in our tank. I would up not being let out of my cell and just tried to watch it from my door. After about 15 minutes of not being able to follow the sermon, the volume was low, I decided to continue my reading in Hebrews. I covered chapters 11-13 which finished up the book. The key verses from reading were 12:11 and 13:5-6. These verses are the ones that sort of “popped” out at me.

No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening–it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. That is why we can say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, so I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

I am working on memorizing these right now. There were so many others that I underlined, but I can’t write them all. But just in case you find yourself in the 13th chapter of Hebrews, also check out 13:3 and 13:14.

Then after church was over they opened the cells for the day room. As I was coming down the stairs, I noticed Andre at the bottom. He is the gentleman that has been very disruptive to our Bible Study with false teachings and questions that lead off into no real direction. His purpose is to divide, definitely not to gain enlightenment. Oh, and he is a self-described pimp. That is his way of life, his livelihood if you will. Up until now I have chosen not to engage with him in his little game. He loves to espouse his vast knowledge of the Scriptures, but does not accept the New Testament and certainly does not believe Jesus to be the Messiah. This is yet another reason why I have steered clear of him–we have no foundation, or common ground upon which to have a real discussion. If you try to direct a question his way, he immediately ducks and dodges and spins the conversation into something about our current government or racism. Maybe you get a picture of what I am dealing with.

Anyway, as I was coming down the stairs, He was busy yelling obsenities at one of the other blacks. All the while he has a Bible under his arm. I was shaking my head, more in disbelief than disapproval, and I caught his eye. He then very loudly, which is how he does everything, stated that he was going now to study the Bible. Now, if he was truly going to study it, actually open it up and ponder the truths inside, that would be great. But in the two months he has been here I have seen zero evidence of that. I have been praying about it and diligently. So today I guess I had just seen and heard enough of his form of religion. I don’t like anyone making a mockery of out of a sincere search for the truth. So my comment to his was not generated out of love, I realize that now. I told him that for once it would be refreshing if something of value actually came out of his mouth. He didn’t receive that criticism very well.

He immediately launched into a tirade about politics, hypocrisy, and the plight of the black man. To which I again stated my disappointment that nothing of value was coming out of his mouth. It was at that point that I realized I was not operating out of a position of love. So I quickly moved toward reconciliation. He was seated at the table so I crossed the room to join him. Now, while he had lost his composure, thankfully I had never lost mine. I know that by talking to him we weren’t going to resolve our theological differences, but I wanted to at least keep the lines of communication open. I also wanted to maintain my witness, and not have it sullied by a verbal altercation. I’ve done a lot of praying since this morning and through reflection feel like I have learned something from the situation. I’m wiser having come through it.

Thank you for packing the kids up and making the trek all the way up here to visit me. I acknowledge the fact that this is no easy task, so I want you to know I appreciate the effort. What a treat it was! You guys all looked well, which puts my mind at ease. I’m truly thankful that Shirley pushed for you to take the day off. I pray the decision doesn’t cause you any additional stress for not being there to take care of things. I know that Gretchen is capable of holding down the fort, but I also know how you are. You have certain gifts that God has given you that others just don’t have. Mix in your experience and that is a combo that is hard to replace or do without. Anyway, I pray that you have peace about it.

Being that close to you guys is hard sometimes. I just want to hold all of you. Our family touches a lot, and I miss that. Buddy was right up against the glass, so close but yet so far. I liked his idea of wanting to remove the glass by the use of a sword. How funny, how cute. I pray that we are fast approaching the end of this ordeal and that we will be reunited very soon. I’m tired of being separated from my family and just want to go home. I know that you are ready to receive me. Hopefully soon my love. By the way, did I tell you that you looked beautiful…because you did! Holy cow…I’ve got a good looking wife.

Thanks again for coming. It really did bolster my spirit. You are truly doing an amazing job with the kids. I pray daily that God will continue to bless your efforts as you are enduring. And that He will often remind you of His love and confirm that your steps are within his will.

I’ll write more later. You are truly an exceptional woman (I definitely married up!) Please kiss our babies for me.

I love you, Scott

take 2: january 8th – inside/out

Kirst — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 22:44:03 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just before dinner on Saturday evening. I am praying that your migraine has subsided and that you received the rest your body needed. Sorry for calling when I did. I could tell by your voice that you were resting and that I had just interrupted that rest. I hope you were able to get back to sleep.

I had talked to my parents this morning and they mentioned that you would not be coming up today. I think that worked out for the best. The rain was really coming down and I had been worried about all of you being on the road. Plus, I think the roads were closed around the facility. So I believe God has had His hand in keeping you at home today. I will praise Him for His care! He knew something we did not and I will trust in the fact that He has our best interest in mind. He is faithful!

a letter to scott from houston

Kirst — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 16:06:19 +0000

Scott,

How are you doing? Blessed I hope. Me, I am doing fine, getting adjusted, letting God direct me in a path instead of directing myself. I don’t know if I ever told you Scott, but I wanna thank you for turning me toward Christ. You help me see that even in such a bad situation, if you put your faith in God, even the darkest days seem bright.

Well they have me here in this prison. It’s cold up here, but the program is better than County, so can’t complain much. They got me in like a 300 man dorm. It’s a lot less private, but it’s quiet when the lights go out. We have TV and games just like County and I continue to read my Bible, so that content and in the best of my Christian character as possible. I still continue to pray that God works on me from the inside out. I still struggle with my patience and anger, so pray for me. I’m going to wrap this up. God bless you and you take care. Tell Carlos I said hi. Write back soon.

Houston

take 2: january 7th – inside/out

Kirst — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 20:29:52 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just after dinner on Friday night. I ate in the “G” room again since my visit happened right during dinner. My mom was feeling sick, so just my dad came. It was cool to get to visit with him the whole time. He seemed to be in pretty good spirits. And he looked good too.

I received some cards and letters last night. You had asked me on the phone earlier if I had gotten the kids’ card. Well I got it last night. I’ll have to send Kayti a thank you letter for the picture she drew inside, very nice! And what a beautiful picture of her in her angel costume, absolutely beautiful! I really regret not being there for the performance. I would have loved to see her in action. I also got the pic of you and Buddy at Legoland. You guys looked like you were really enjoying your time together. I’m glad that the two of you have that memory. Buddy is fortunate to have a mom like you, who loves him so much. We are all so fortunate to be loved by you! Thank you for loving us so well!

I received a letter from my friend Houston. He is the young guy who we led to Christ in here. I mentioned him to you in a couple of my letters. He just recently left to prison, the week before Christmas. His letter is very encouraging so I will include it with mine for you to read also. He is doing so well and still seeking the Lord daily. I wrote him back today in hopes of spurring him on to greater growth. Basically, I wanted to reassure him that he is not alone in his faith and we are praying for him daily. I gave him some of the Scriptures that have encouraged me and promised to write him back again. I am proud of that young kid and look forward to sharing eternity with him. What a cool thing to be able to say. Thank you Lord!

When I talked to you on the phone yesterday I didn’t even ask you if you felt the earthquakes. I guess if you had you would have mentioned it. I happened to be awake for all three of them, which is strange because they occurred in the early morning hours. Maybe I sensed them coming. Anyway, this is a weird place to ride out an earthquake in, surrounded by brick and mortar. And considering how close we are located to the epicenter this place fared pretty well. But nobody came by to inspect the place, not even to walk through and look for cracks…interesting.

I’ll write more tomorrow. I pray that you receive the rest you need tonight. Please kiss our babies goodnight for me.

I love you! Scott

take 2: january 6th – inside/out

Kirst — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 19:05:43 +0000

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s just before dinner on Thursday evening. Had a good time of devotions this morning. I’m really trying to be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. My prayer beforehand is that God would give me “spiritual bread” for the day, my Manna. And as I read I am trying to be sensitive to His leading. To be open and receptive to the verses he “talks” to me with. Then I let those verses resonate, unfolding and revealing themselves to me throughout the day. I am also attempting to memorize them, we’ll see how that goes. Today’s verses are from Hebrews:

Today you must listen to His voice. Hebrews 3:7

For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ. Hebrews 3:14

I’m still letting both of them soak in. But I have been encouraged by them today, committing them to memory. I guess I’m always encouraged by verses that tell me to perservere, to “press on.”

—-

I just got back from my visit with JP. Man, the time really flew by. I sure enjoyed seeing him. He is one of those guys, like Doug Damon, that I really miss talking to. The type that help me live out Proverbs 27:17. Christian men helping each other become better. I shared with him some stories of God’s moment-by-moment provision of safety for me, which seemed to hit home with him. Really it was the moment-by-moment reliance on God that sparked his interest. He wants to tap into that, adopt it as a way of life. I think the visit helped to spark the excitement of that “in love” intesity with Christ. To remind him of our mission. I shared Hebrews 3:14 and Acts 20:24 with him and reiterated the importance of memorizing Scripture, to “write it on the tablet of our heart.” Truly the importance of it cannot be overstated. But it appears that this is an area that so many people struggle with. I know that I always have. I would cringe, just like JP did, at the very mention of it. But I told him that we could help keep each other accountable in that regard. I look forward to meeting with both of he and Doug when I get out, to continue/resume the early morning accountability breakfasts. But that will be only after I have has an ample amount of early morning “snuggleage” with my lovely wife.

My heart ached to be home today when we talked. Mallory moaning, Buddy crying, and you just trying to make it to the end of a long day. The words that kept echoing in my mind were, “I should be there right now.” I try not to let the feeling get to me or bring me down, but it’s really hard sometimes. But instead of allowing the feeling to sideline me, I prayed. I walked and prayed. I prayed that God would continue to provide for all of us. I prayed that He would continue to give you the strength, endurance, patience, love and parental insight needed to successfully navigate your busy days. And, like always, I prayed that He would reunite us sooner than later…emphasis on the sooner!

Your husband is very proud of you and is praying for you continually. I long to be by your side!

I’ll write more later. Please kiss our babies goodnight for me. Rest well my love.

I love you! Scott