Insomniac's Lounge

Jeff Fisher- You Coulda Been A Bum, Instead Of A Fallen Contender, Which Is What You Are

2009-09-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

I want to write a recap of Sunday's NFL action. I truly do. But my brain won't allow me because all of its neurons have been permanently stained by this image:

Really, coach? Your team is 0-2 with its season on the line, and that's what you roll out to the sidelines with? That's the look of a leader that's going to direct his team to victory? That looks like the kind of shirt you'd find in the Slightly Defective section of a Wal-Mart...in Tijuana. That looks like something my grandad would wear (minus the pants, of course) while sitting in a recliner with a can of Schlitz in his hand. I don't want to run through a wall for that guy. I'm barely able to motivate myself to listen to his stories in hopes that I can make it in his will. I can't remember anything else about the game or the final score, but I know at first glimpse that the guy in that picture most definitely lost.

I understand that it was a throwback day and choices were limited. And yeah, it's a little strange to wear a throwback to remind a city that you stole their team (are the Ravens going to wear Browns uniforms later this season*?). But still, if that's what the league wants you to do, then how about this look:

Now, that's throwback. Dress like that and you can beat anyone. Well, anyone but the Steelers.

(Jeff Fisher photo credit: Bill Kostroun/AP via espn.com)

(*joke credit: Adam Rank)

College Roundup: Big Upsets Are The Talk Of The Town

2009-09-27T23:57:00.000-07:00

While many people count unpredictability as one of college football's most appealing traits, there are some things that you can rely upon as certainties each season. As sure as the leaves changing colors and Brent Musberger referencing point spreads, you can depend on an overhyped Cal Bears team to collapse as soon as they're placed in a showcase game. They are the Pac-10's version of the Clemson Tigers- a team that is perenially listed among the 'sleepers' that are ready for a breakout season and is given a boost by those same writers into the AP top 10. And yet, just as soon as their fans start thinking that maybe this year will be different than other years, the team falls apart in epic fashion. This year, it was the Oregon Ducks that had the honors, demolishing Cal, 42-3, in a game that the Bears had given up on by halftime. Now, their exposure as a fraud will somehow be used to indict the entire Pac-10 as being overrated, even tho it was another Pac-10 team that took Cal down. Ahhh, such are the joys of investing so much emotion in a sport that determines its champion via popularity contest.

Cal wasn't the only highly ranked team to go down in defeat this weekend. College fans around the country once again owe Iowa a huge debt of gratitude for sparing a weary nation from a Penn State appearance in a National Championship game. Hopefully, we can go another year without having to watch a Big 10 team roll over in a BCS title game. Unfortunately, fans can't rest too easily just yet, as so many top 10 teams already have a "1" in the loss column that a team that lost early, Ohio State, could sneak back into things.

Another one loss team whose BCS dreams have been revitalized is the Notre Dame Fighting Holtzes, who rallied to beat Purdue in a rare game in which Charlie Weis wasn't the worst coach in the stadium. That honor went to Purdue head man Danny Hope who upon seeing a frenzied Notre Dame scurrying to the line to spike the ball, opted to call a timeout to save their opponent a down and give them an opportunity to draw up two plays to win the game. When Notre Dame is cashing their BCS check for 17 mil, they should be sure to send something nice over to West Lafayette.

Miami went into Blacksburg and showed that they aren't quite back to being "Tha U" just yet. But it wasn't really much of a shocker, because I don't think people really expected them to return to elite status in one year. This kind of thing is a process. To put it in terms that Miami fans will understand: it's like when your players are runnin' trains on coeds. At first, maybe they can snag a coed in a quad somewhere. Start playing better, and they might just get one will go into the lobby with you. That's about where they're at right now. But they'll get to that 7th floor. Just give them time.

Elsewhere in the state of Florida, Gator fans briefly feared the worst when football Messiah, Tim Tebow, was laying motionless on the turf after receiving a blow to the back of his head at the end of a vicious sack. Tebow now finds himself in a hospital bed, but football announcers across the country expect him to rise again in three days.

Unranked Pac-10 Teams Are A Bunch Of Inglourious Basterds

2009-09-24T03:40:00.000-07:00

The Hitler parodies from the movie "Downfall" are certainly played out.

USC losing to an unranked Pac-10 team each season has also grown redundant and tiresome.

And yet when the two come together, it's evident that they're a perfect match for each other.

(H/T: Bruins Nation)

so, let's see...I don't update the site for six months and then my first post back features Adolf Hitler- and one in which Hitler's rant makes sense, at that. Yeah, this return is going to be a roaring success.

The UCLA Dance-A-Thon Continues. But Just Barely

2009-03-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

Every time that UCLA advances a round, I will post a set of unpublished photos of the UCLA Dance and/or Cheer teams. Hopefully, this will give undecided fans a reason to root for the Bruins.

This was almost the shortest recurring feature of all time. But fortunately, UCLA managed to pull out a one point victory over VCU and will advance to the 2nd round. So with that, I send this offering to the gods of basketball karma:

Reflections On Madness, Day 1

2009-03-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

There were roughly 12,600 live blogs of the NCAA tournament Thursday. But just in case you haven't gotten your fill of commentary, here are my thoughts about the first day of action from the hoops orgy:

There is an interesting phenomenon surrounding Greg Gumbel. There's absolutely nothing special about him, but everytime you hear his voice, you know something special is about to happen. That is unless, he's about to invite Seth Davis into a conversation.

...

One of the hidden benefits of being on the west coast at tourney time- it's completely acceptable to drink at 9:20 on a weekday morning. Being surrounded by tvs and booze at a local bar is the next best thing to actually being in an arena. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it to best locale to combine alcohol and tvs- a Vegas sportsbook. Bob Knight, however, did make the trek out to Vegas to co-host a show with Billy Packer. So far, it doesn't look like the city has been too kind to him.

Maybe Packer stole his sunscreen so that he could approach coeds on spring break and offer to apply lotion to their backs. (Try to get that image out of your head.)

...

Jim Calhoun went to the hospital and was unable to coach the team Thursday night. But why is in the hospital? Why can't any of these reporters tell me? Hey CBS: Get some facts and come back and see me!

...

CBS had a human interest piece prepared about CSUN reserve Michael Lizarraga, who is believed to be the first deaf player to play in the NCAA tournament. This kind of story is the perfect filler to keep the audience engaged during a blowout. Only problem is that the Matadors failed to cooperate and gave Memphis quite a scare; and actually led with 10 minutes to go in the game. The Tigers finally made their run, but by the time the game was out of reach, CBS was almost out of time and they had to rush in the story in the final minutes. In fact his interpreter received about as much camera time as he did. If the interpreter is available, perhaps she could confirm what I'm pretty sure I saw at the end of the game:

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm fairly certain that Calipari congratulated CSUN head coach Bobby Braswell by telling him, "You guys played your balls off." If you're Braswell, how do you even respond to a used car salesman talking about your team's collective balls? I know it's intended to be a compliment, but I can't even figure out how working hard would result in the loss of ones balls. And if it is a possible consequence, then lord knows I need to continue to avoid hard work. I've rewatched the clips a few times thinking that maybe it was actually "You guys played your butts off," because that would be, ya know, an actual expression. But it looks like balls to me, and I find that tough to swallow.

...

During the later portion of the Washington/Mississippi State game, Kevin Harlan reminded the audience that "in this shot clock era" there was still a chance for a comeback. The shot clock era began 24 years ago- I think we're well adjusted to it by now. Still it could have been worse. At least Harlan didn't start talking about how the game has changed since the darkies were allowed onto the court.

...

What could have possibly made State Farm execs think that ripping off the annoying Mercury Insurance campaign would be a good idea.? We get it: all insurance companies are dishonest charlatans who can't be trusted to do as much as wash your car. But it's the law that I need insurance, so you've got me over the barrel...just like a good neighbor. Well played, State Farm.

...

Coeds in bikinis are usually a great thing. But band members in bikinis? Dicey. VCU decided to take on the challenge. The results depend on how drunk you are at the time:

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Wait- the one chick plays the flute. That is definitely worth some bonus points. "This one time, at band camp..."

...

Western Kentucky held off a furious rally from Illinois to complete their upset bid in the last game of the night. The victory was sealed when the Hilltoppers managed to burn almost all of the clock by passing the ball around and over defenders, thereby preventing Illinois from fouling them. Kevin Harlan described this as W. Kentucky playing a game of "dodge ball." I'm pretty sure he meant "keep away," but I like his idea better. It seems like more fun. Especially if some Duke players are involved.

Did Anyone Get The Plates On That Truck?

2009-03-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

Pac-10 champion Washington had little trouble dispatching Mississippi State, 71-58, tonight. However, Venoy Overton might not remember the score...or where he is:

Perhaps UCLA's Cheerleaders Can Help The Team Find Their Mojo

2009-03-19T02:28:00.000-07:00

This season, the one word that best describes UCLA's performance is "inconsistent." The Bruins started the year ranked in the top 5 in preseason polls. Perhaps this was an unfair expectation given the losses of Kevin Love, Luc Richard Mbah a Mote, and Russell Westbrook (however Memphis and Kansas lost their key players and have recovered nicely). After 30+ games, it's still hard to know exactly what to expect from the team. A run into the elite 8 wouldn't be out of the question, but neither would a first round loss at the hands of VCU.

However far UCLA advances, they'll have to do it all on the East coast. Like any successful team, UCLA is one that people love to hate, so they should expect a hostile crowd in Philadelphia. Actually "hostile" is pretty much the norm for a Philly crowd regardless of who's playing. But for those without any allegiances, there is one very good reason to root for the Bruins. This is the final season for most, if not all, of the members of the UCLA Dance Team. So when the Bruins lose, we all lose. Here's an idea of what they bring to the table:

This Thursday, cheer for the Bruins (and a lot of TV timeouts). As an added bonus, each time that UCLA advances a round in the tournament, I'll post a gallery of previously unpublished photos from this season. So go ahead and cheer for UCLA. Your brackets are busted anyway.

Crazy People Walkin' Around. And All They Want To Do Is Dance, Dance.

2009-03-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, Arizona lost to Arizona State for the third time this season. The 68-56 defeat gives the Wildcats five losses in their last six games and seemed to put Arizona's chances of making the NCAA tournament in serious jeopardy. That is at least, until the following news was broken:

I like the idea. I'm pretty sure I still have one year of eligibility remaining; and I've always wanted to give bartending school a try. Now, I just need to partner with an LA pole dancing class for some cheerleaders and I'm set.

Michael Eisner Is Hoping Kids Will Let Ryan Howard Take A Few Strokes On Their Hands

2009-03-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

The sports trading card industry has been dying a long, slow death. Anyone who thought they were going to retire with a closet full of Gregg Jefferies and Ken Griffey Jr rookie cards can tell you that. (Although right now, those cards might be worth more than their 401k.) Ever since Michael Eisner bought Topps in 2007, he's been looking for a way to make cards relevant again. Given his entertainment background, he's making the same move that desperate franchises like Friday the 13th and Amityville made. He's going 3-D. Hitting stores today will be Topps 3D Live, a set of baseball cards that seem like standard cards at first, but when held up to a webcam, will spring to virtual life:

Kind of cool, in a "Star Wars chess game" kind of way. But this series is marketed towards kids who won't have that sense of nostalgia; and it's hard to envision kids wanting to press "N" to throw a pitch at a target when they could they pick up their Wii Super Slam Bat and take a few hacks themselves.

So that just leaves adult men as potential buyers. But these packs are priced at two bucks a pop, and even in this economy, collectors believe that if they're going to get a 50 cent card, they want to pull it from a $100 pack. Still, I could see these filling a niche role for guys. For anyone with a webcam in their cubicle, these players could serve as a great little time-killer during conference calls. Also, these cards could be a big hit in the home of Yankees fans, who could get undressed, put their Derek Jeter card on the webcam, and finally fulfill all of those fantasies with the captain of their hearts. Just beware of virtual herpes.

Hmmm...maybe these virtual cards do have some potential. But rather than picking up a pack of Topps, I'm going to have to wait for Benchwarmer to license the technology.

Now that's worth two bucks a pop.

Hey Digger- Is That A Highlighter In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To Be Dancing With Cheerleaders?

2009-03-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

Last night, ESPN took their college gameday crew up to Berkeley, where Digger Phelps obviously indulged himself with some traditional Berkeley pregame tokes. Either that, or sharing a hotel with Erin Andrews creates such a testosterone overload that a man is driven to do crazy things. How else to explain these actions?

This isn't the first time this season that an ESPN analyst has decided to eschew any resemblance to credibility by dancing with cheerleaders during a commercial break (Self aware Ed note- stay tuned for UCLA dance team pics this week!). Although to be fair, Digger Phelps and Dick Vitale abandoned any notion of being legitimate basketball analysts a long, long time ago.

(HT: Bruins Nation)

Update: Thanks to reader JSon for pointing out where Digger got his dance moves. It's the same place he found his shrewd fashion sense- from the movie Caddyshack:

There's Actually A Mike And Mike Worth Listening To

2009-02-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

Every now and then when I'm looking around the sports net for items to comment snarkily on, I actually find nuggets of wisdom and inspiration instead. Or perhaps it's that in not finding anything to write about, I am instead desperate for guidance and wisdom, and so otherwise trite comments gain added significance for me. In either case, here are a couple of such instances from the last few days.

Mike Singletary, speaking to a crowd of season ticket holders:

"When I look around the NFL, I'm amazed by how many people have a dream and how few have a vision," he said. The difference, he said, is that a dream ends up being passive, accommodating disappointment. A vision, he said, "captures the imagination. A vision is something that consumes you like a fire, won't let you eat, won't let you sleep until that vision comes to pass."

Mike Schmidt, commenting on the Alex Rodriguez steroid saga (the entire article is a great read):

"I look more at the psychological side of it," he said. "That's what's interesting -- how sports fans choose their heroes, how we as a human race choose our heroes, how our heroes always seem to let us down. You know, when you pick a sports hero, he at some point lets you down. ..."

And for a somewhat different feel, here is a NSFW( you've been warned) European commercial that may not be inspiring, but is truly inspired:

Link:

Thank goodness there was golf and tennis in that clip to qualify it as sports related.

Whoever created that ad embodies the wisdom of the first two men- turned a dream into a vision, and truly is a hero.

Tim Floyd Is Mad As Hell And He's Not Gonna Take It Anymore

2009-02-16T01:40:00.000-08:00

This past Thursday in Tempe, UCLA's attempt at a comeback victory was wiped away when a potential go ahead basket by Darren Collinson in the last minute was ruled a charge, despite the fact that ASU's Jeff Pendergraph clearly stuck out his hip. Video evidence below (ignore the chicken wing by Collinson that the refs also missed):

Tonight it was USC's turn to experience the Sun Devils' home court mojo when Daniel Hackett drove into the lane in an attempt to cut the lead to three, only to find himself being undercut by a sliding defender. One official was prepared to call the block but was overruled by David Hall, the overzealous head official, at the baseline. Rather then confer amongst themselves to make sure the call was correct, the refs went the alternative method of "most demonstrative call wins" and stayed with the charge call. Tim Floyd then responded in typical Floyd fashion, by subtly expressing his displeasure with the call:

It should be noted that while both games were in Tempe, it was a different officiating crew for each game. You've got to hand it to Pac 10 refs- at least they're consistent in their calls. Unfortunately for basketball fans, they're consistently awful.

USC Song Girls: Fright On!

2009-02-14T10:30:00.000-08:00

In an odd twist of events, it appears that there will actually be a reason to watch members of the USC athletic department in the month of March.

E! Entertainment has announced (HT: Scott Wolf) that it will debut a new reality show Friday March 13 cleverly titled, "Hot Girls in Scary Places" in which three female friends are presented with the challenge of spending the night together in an abandoned, and supposedly haunted, hospital. If the trio is able to make it the night and complete a set of challenges therein, they will win $10,000. Oh yeah, and the best part- the threesome will comprise of college cheerleaders. Specifially, members of the famed USC Song Girls, including the already internet famous Lindsey G.

Now while casting cheerleaders into a "real life" 80's horror flick is an otherwise brilliant move, I think E! is making a mistake by casting girls from USC. It's not that the Song Girls aren't beautiful enough to be on tv - they certainly are - but what can the producers at E! throw at the girls that they don't already experience in their daily lives? Gunshots fired? Those might as well be evening crickets in South Central. Women shrieking in the attic? That's every Thursday night in an SC frathouse. Shadowy figures in the window? No different than during football recruiting. You want to freak out a USC coed? Ask her to walk three blocks to a local convenience store at midnight. That will do the trick.

E! says this project is being considered as a "special/backdoor pilot." Or as it's known at Southern Cal, a Maualuga.

Photo Credit: Yeung Photography.

Film Session Review: Arizona State Looks Good In Victory

2009-02-14T03:12:00.000-08:00

As a UCLA fan, it was painful to watch the Bruins go into Tempe and get swept by the Sun Devils in heartbreaking fashion Thursday night. But like any dedicated basketball fan, I had to review the game tape both to see how Arizona State pulled off the win, as well as to get a sense of closure. ASU was certainly prepared for this game. Jeff Pendergraph did a great job passing out of double teams to find wide open teammates behind the arc, and defensively, the Sun Devils' matchup zone gave UCLA problems all night. But ultimately, the difference in the game was the home court advantage:

(video recommended for broadband connections only)

As you can see, ASU's spirit squad, while not the force it was before being conjoined by the administration, still had ample talent to put on the court. They were quite prepared to pull off the shocker.

Bud Selig Rubs Alex Rodriguez' Nose In The Carpet And Puts Him Outside

2009-02-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

Thursday, Commissioner Bud Selig momentarily contemplated suspending Alex Rodriguez until he realized that the players union would likely sue the league and illuminate its complicity in their players' illicit activity. Once that became clear, Selig instead opted to expand on MLB's response to the revelation that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids from its original, "Nobody was supposed to find out about that" to a new statement expressing regret, anger, and disappointment.

Of course, it should be remembered that Selig is a former used car salesman, and so anything he says is laden with deceit and half-truths. And so it's important to look at his statement, quasi-FJM style (Ed. note- oh how I miss you Ken Tremendous), and look at what Selig says versus what he actually means.

"What Alex did was wrong"
You should never own up to steroid use unless it's before a special session of Congress. And even then you can flatly deny it and make money while waiting on perjury charges....didn't he get my memo? Plus he got caught after I told him we'd be testing. Has he never heard of a Whizzinator? Getting caught like that was just wrong.

"and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name"
I'm not even sure why put his name on the form to begin with. I instructed everyone to tell testers their name was "Barry Lamar Bonds."

"and reputation."
All these years that he's taken to build his reputation of being one of the great choke artists of all time has now been overshadowed by the stain of steroid use. It's a shame, honestly.

"While Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue"
Not too much credit of course. I mean, there's a lot to be said for pretending steroids don't exist and looking at a revenue sheet instead of a few dead bodies and implausibly broken records, right? Besides, Alex did the right thing in publicly confronting the issue five years after the fact, and only when he had no other choice. Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did. Hey, I guess he did read my memo!

"there is no valid excuse for using such substances,"
There really is no excuse. Why use a substance that MLB could actually test for when the black market is littered with more effective, untraceable substances? That's what happens when you choose to get drugs from a shemale bodybuilder instead of Victor Conte.

"and those who use them have shamed the game."
Did I say "shamed"? I meant "saved". Revenues are at an all time high, the Maris chase rejuvenated baseball after the strike, the commissioner's office keeps getting raises despite a plummeting economy, and even the steroid scandal itself keeps people talking about baseball during an otherwise quiet offseason. It's like when I realigned baseball just so my Brewers could change leagues, boost attendance with the novelty factor of new opponents, and generate enough excitement to get funding for a new stadium. That wasn't selfish and shameful- I saved the team! Good for me. And good for ARod.

Commissioner Selig then addressed executives from recently bailed out banks and asked, "Now what's it's gonna take to get you in a luxury suite today?"

UCLA Bruins Evoke Memories of Past Legendary Greatness

2009-02-12T04:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight, UCLA plays at Arizona State in a nationally televised game that not only has huge tournament seeding implications, but will also go a long way towards validating their generous standing in the ESPN/USA Today rankings. Despite not having a win over a top 25 team yet this season, the coaches have voted UCLA as the #6 in the country. This lofty status is the result of a very successful four game homestand in which the Bruins absolutely dominated everyone that ventured into Pauley Pavilion, winning by an average of more than 20 points and putting each team away by halftime. With their excellent team defense, quick transition offense, and overall unselfish play over the last two weeks, they've certainly given the appearance of one of the best teams in the country. In fact, with John Wooden looking on from behind the bench, one couldn't help but think of their great teams from the 1970's:

Ok, so maybe UCLA doesn't have anyone that's going to go 21 of 22 from the floor. But still, being in attendance this past weekend, I had to admit that there was something happening on the court which was reminiscent of UCLA's brilliance in the early 70's.

Then:

Now:

Now that is championship caliber. No wonder UCLA's looking so good in the polls.

MLB Trainers Are Relentless In Their Conspiracy To Sabotage Hall Of Fame Players

2009-02-04T02:44:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night, it was revealed that a 2003 urine sample from Barry Bonds had been retested by federal authorities and was found to be positive for performance enhancing drugs. This result confirms what most baseball fans have already known to be true for quite sometime- that Greg Anderson, Victor Conte, and the government are all in collusion to undermine the legacy of Barry Bonds. First they sabotaged his flaxseed, then his aspercreme, and now his urine. Obviously, nothing is sacred to these evildoers.

Similarly, Roger Clemens has found himself under the microscope, literally, as syringes kept in an old beer can by his former trainer Brian McNamee have shown to contain DNA matching Clemens' genetic profile. In an exclusive only seen here, The Lounge has obtained a sample of the DNA in question, and the results are rather damning:

Obviously, we know that Clemens was framed since he already told Congress that he never used steroids. And that was under oath, so it must have been the truth. But it appears that if a UCLA doping lab finds evidence of performance enhancers in those same syringes, then Clemens will once again find himself in court looking to clear his name.

While Clemens is already ably represented by ~~Otis the town drunk~~ Rusty Hardin, I believe it's also my responsibility, being the bastion of integrity that I am, to help The Rocket find justice. With that in mind, here are a few plausible perfectly legal explanations as to how the syringes managed to contain trace amounts of Roger Clemens' blood:

Clemens may have unwittingly left some DNA on his wife Debbie's ass during an afternoon interlude. McNamee then could have scraped that DNA off when he was shooting her up for her SI photoshoot.

McNamee said he was drawing the blood in an attempt to clone The Rocket, as #22 thought it was his only chance to have a kid in the major leagues. I mean, Koby hit .268 in high A for Chrissakes!

The blood didn't get on the needle from an injection, but rather dripped onto it from the empty beer can. One time, McNamee and Clemens were hanging out, drinking beers and decided to hang the empties on their fingers and pretend they were robots. Who hasn't done that, right? Well, Roger got a little carried away and cut his finger, and now that one little misadventure may lead to an errant perjury conviction.

Ok, he did get injected. But it wasn't with athletic performance enhancers. Instead, he asked McNamee to shoot him up with sexual performance enhancers. Hey, it's not easy keeping up with a 15 year-old with a country singer's lungs.

Clemens can't be held responsible for his actions. He was not of sound mind. He couldn't possibly be; he had Icy Hot on his balls!

(By the way, if you'll indulge me in a quick aside: the Icy Hot story is old news. Check out this link. That story's almost three years old. I don't know why people are making a big deal out of it now. In fact, Deadspin "broke" the story last week as if it were new despite the fact that they had featured it themselves the first time around. I swear, sometimes, I almost get the vibe that bloggers don't do any research before writing.)

Finally, as far as I know, Joe Torre hasn't implicated Roger Clemens in his latest book. And he trashed everybody in that thing. So obviously, the man must be innocent.

Hopefully, this should be enough to put Clemens in the clear. And not the kind of clear that Bonds got from Anderson, but the kind that MLB can't pretend to be disgusted at after profiting from its use for over a decade.

It should only be a matter of time before we see Clemens, Barry, and Big Mac in their rightful place- on a dais in Cooperstown... Or signing a autographs at the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace.

"Greatest Super Bowl Ever" Hyperbole Overshadowed By Overblown Officiating Controversy

2009-02-02T03:11:00.000-08:00

If the early blog reports are any sort of indicator, then it appears that the biggest storyline of a very entertaining Super Bowl will once again be the lackluster officiating of the game. While MJD makes a very compelling plea for fans to rise above dwelling on any controversial calls, I'm sure he does so while realizing that diehard Cardinals fans (you know, the ones who just learned their head coach's name four weeks ago) and Steelers haters will find it difficult to let go of a few of the plays from that game. Cardinals fans would like you to think that had the final Cardinals' play been reviewed, and had it been ruled an incomplete pass (unlikely), then given one more shot, Warner would have chucked the ball into the endzone; and Larry Fitzgerald would have leapt up amongst five defenders and been the one to come down with the ball for a game winning score. Actually, that last part isn't so tough to believe afterall.

But The Hater Nation does bring up a good point. It does seem like historically, the Steelers do disproportionately benefit from the referees' decision making. (Perhaps that's what makes them the "model franchise in all of sports.") There certainly are some similiarities in the camera work between the Immaculate Reception and Santonio Holmes' game winning touchdown catch. It's amazing that with all of the cameras at that game, there wasn't a definitive shot of his right toe hitting the ground. Fortunately for NBC, much like in the Olympics when they couldn't get conclusive video of Michael Phelps winning the 100m butterfly, there are still photographs which verify that the correct call was made.

However my favorite diatribe about the officiating comes from Chris Chase of Yahoo Sports. What got my attention wasn't actually the enumeration of the controversial calls (and yes, the roughing the passer penalty was ridiculous, but not any moreso than 90% of all the other roughing calls made during the NFL season). No, what I found fascinating is that Chase took a screen grab from Warner's final play and then plastered a watermark onto it. Like this:

"Ooh...my DVR has a pause button. I better make sure nobody steals this image without giving me credit!" I know people want to protect their content, but is there really anything even remotely special about a screen grab from a play that was already seen by 300 billion (unofficial, logistically impossible estimate) people worldwide?

I'm not even sure what the picture is trying to prove. Since it's a frozen image, the viewer has no idea if Warner's arm is being cocked back or moving forward. I do think the shot of Santonio Holmes in the background is cool tho.

But Chase gave me an idea. Like everyone else on the planet, I was watching the Super Bowl too. And I happened to have a camera with me and took a few pictures during the game. Perhaps I could post some screen shots from the game with my website's name on them and see if anyone wants to use them on their blog to establish any points; and in the process, give me some free publicity (click for larger image).

For example, Sidebar: Why is Ben Roethlisberger wearing eye black for a night game?

Point: The Steelers are cheaters! Look at how the left tackle here is obviously lined up off of the line of scrimmage:

Observation: Look at the strange look in Ben Roethlisberger's eyes. Could it be that he was using nonverbal hypnosis to mesmerize the officials and compel them to call over 100 yards in penalties against the Cardinals?

Counterpoint: The officials weren't only throwing the flags against the Cardinals. Here's proof of a Holding call that went against the Steelers:

Lost Storyline: History tends to highlight the winners and bury the losers. There were quite a few great performances made by Cardinals players that will be forgotten in short time. For example, Darnell Dockett was in Ben Roethlisberger's face all night long.

As you can see, when you view game photos in isolation, you can make them say whatever you want. It's all a matter of perspective. For example, some of you may have been in such denial over the Cardinals' loss that you didn't even notice a football game being played in these photos at all. For those people, it's alright. The healing will come in time.

Special thanks to Madison Scott for being such a good sport. Be sure to check her out in all kinds of illicit content that I can't even consider linking to from here.

Excuse Pete Carroll While He Slips Into Something A Little More Comfortable

2008-12-03T03:57:00.000-08:00

In a move that had been rumored for many months, Pete Carroll and Rick Neuheisel have come to an agreement which will allow both teams to wear their home jerseys in their rivalry game this Saturday. The change in attire will honor the days when both the Bruins and Trojans shared the Los Angeles Coliseum and also will allow USC to further embrace their rich heritage:

Rick Neuheisel has also suggested that as long as the two teams are honoring their traditions, they should go all the way back to beginning of the rivalry and have both teams lineup in the single wing formation all game. In fact, Neuheisel has promised not to allow Kevin Craft to throw a single pass if Carroll will do the same with Mark Sanchez.

It was originally feared that the teams would not be able to restore the jersey tradition because NCAA rules mandated that the offending team be charged with two timeouts during the course of the game. But in a last minute decision, the NCAA capitulated to one of its ~~cash cows~~ storied institutions and minimized the penalty to only one first half timeout. However in an effort to not appear biased towards USC, the NCAA has enacted another new rule whereby any interception thrown by Kevin Craft that is not returned for a touchdown will instead be ruled as an incompletion.

In other college football news, Oregon coach Mike Bellotti has named Chip Kelly the head coach in-waiting, but has yet to set a date for when that might be. Kelly now joins Jimbo Fisher at Florida State and Will Muschamp at Texas as the coaching equivalent of a mistress who stays with a married man because he tells her that he's going to break it off eventually. He just needs to wait for the right moment. These things take time, baby. Meanwhile, they don't get any younger, their wrinkles start to show, and their desirability to other suitors begins to wane. So they better hope this gig works out, because there might not be time for any others (certainly not for Fisher).

This Thursday, the Raiders-Chargers game will be televised in 3-D in select theaters in Los Angeles, New York, and Boston. 3ality Digital feels this game will be a great opportunity to showcase their new technology; and as an added bonus, they are able to reduce costs as this game will not require them to put any cameras in the endzone.

I'm no marketing major, but my feeling is the best way to make sure the 3D experiment is a success would be to make sure there are some cameras on the San Diego sidelines to capture all the dimensions of:

But if viewers in an Imax theater end up seeing Norv Turner's facial craters or Al Davis' animated skeleton in 3D, then 3ality Digital is going to need a GM sized bailout by the end of the game.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suspended Sean Avery indefinitely for referring to this puck bunny:

as "sloppy seconds." Bettman had to invoke the suspension for the good of the game, as Cuthbert is the only fan the league had left. Bettman will meet Avery soon to discuss the duration of the suspension and to make certain that Avery is aware that this particular term will not be tolerated and should instead be replaced by, "a drop pass into the crease," "a rebound through the five-hole," or simply "bacon scraps."

Well, Vols Fans: Lane Kiffin Is Your Future. Might As Well Pretend To Like It

2008-12-01T02:44:00.000-08:00

...and there's really only one thing to do:

The SEC has established itself as the place where failed NFL head coaches go to resurrect their careers. It started with Rich Brooks at Kentucky and has continued with Steve Spurrier at South Carolina, Nick Saban at Alabama, and Bobby Petrino at Arkansas. (Rod Marinelli may want to look for real estate in Starkville.) Later today, that tradition will continue as the University of Tennessee is expected to formally announce that Lane Kiffin will be the new head coach of the Volunteers.

I know what Vols fans are thinking. "Really? That's the best we could do? I thought we were players in the world of college football. Couldn't we get a bigger name than this?" I'm familiar with this response because it's the same thing that UCLA fans went through when they learned that Rick Neuheisel would be their next head coach. (Coincidentally, they thought those concerns were assuaged when Neuheisel's Bruins beat Tennessee; but in hindsight, that victory was more about the deterioration of the Tennessee program rather than the elevation of UCLA's.) However once Kiffin is formally introduced in Knoxville, Tennessee fans can no longer express frustration over the absence of an elite candidate. Instead, they must follow in the footsteps of Bruins fans and convince themselves that this was the head coach their program needed all along. To help expedite this process, here are a few of the familiar talking points that Tennessee fans may wish to learn:

The program was headed in the wrong direction. We needed a coach with a completely different style.
For the Bruins, they needed to replace stoicism with enthusiasm. As for the Vols, they had gone 29-21 over their last four years- a far cry from the 45-5 record they amassed under Fulmer from 1995-98. Obviously, the team no longer responded to the elder statesman. He needed to be replaced with youth. At 33, Kiffin fits the bill. He'll be the youngest coach in the NCAA, and he'll get the Vols to play happy and play hard.

Sure their last job may have ended poorly, but looking beyond that, the new coach has enjoyed success in the past.
Neuheisel was fired for not getting along with the AD at Washington, but not before winning a Rose Bowl as their head coach (tho primarily with Jim Lambright's players). Kiffin was fired by Al Davis for insubordination. However prior to that, he had helped guide USC to a Rose Bowl victory (albeit with Pete Carroll's players).

We're not just getting a new head coach. We're getting some great assistant coaches too.
The Kiffin hiring is rumored to be a family deal, with papa Monte coming along to coach the defense at Tennessee. Ed Orgeron is also thought to be part of the new staff. At UCLA, Neuheisel was able to persuade DeWayne Walker to stay and convince QB guru Norm Chow to lead the offense. Of course, even legendary coaches have their limitations. With his NFL background, Monte Kiffin won't be as familiar coaching against the spread formations that are run at Florida; and Norm Chow has difficulties mentoring a quarterback who doesn't discriminate against jersey color when he's lobbing the ball downfield.

Ok, he may not have been the fan's first choice, but the AD seems to know what he's doing in other sports.
Bruce Pearl. Ben Howland. Both, excellent hires. Both great at helping fans keep their minds off of what's happened to their football program.

Even if things don't work out right away, we can still head to the stadium on gameday, throw back a few beers with friends and scream our lungs out for a few hours. It still beats spending the day at home.
This is the only cogent argument in the group.

Best of luck, Tennessee. And hey, if things don't work out with Kiffin, maybe you can hire Peyton Manning in a couple of years. I have a feeling he'll be ready for the coaching biz pretty soon.

Dick Vitale Gives Jayhawk Cheerleaders His Feel Of Approval

2008-11-26T03:27:00.001-08:00

Quiz time. After a three month absence from the internets, a sports blogger wants to reestablish a viewership to his website. Should he:

a) Take time to write an insightful, uplifting piece about an athlete who has had a positive influence on the community around him?

b) Write an inflammatory headline that might show up on a few search engines?

c) Rip on an ESPN personality?

d) Feature a midriff baring cheerleader?

e) Any of the above, except for God's sake, don't even think about "a."

The answer of course is "e," which is why it was nice timing that just when I was contemplating whether I should return to the blogosphere, I should see Dick Vitale dancing with some cheerleaders and..."freeze it!"

Hmmm...I might have a feel-good story, afterall. It's hard to tell, but it looks to me like Dicky V could be called for a hand-check violation on those moves. Although, it's not like he went for full-on cuppage, and there really aren't many 'safe' areas on a girl in a sports bra for a broadcaster to grab. So maybe this should just go in the category of, "no harm, no foul- play on."

Let's check the videotape:

Strange choice of music, I know. But I thought I'd get a head start on Vitale's tribute video after Bob Knight marginalizes him to ESPNU.

So upon further review...play on. Play on playa, play on. Sorry, I think I channeled Stu Scott there for a second. (Hey, that's two ESPN personalities in one post. I think I'm finding my stride again pretty quickly. It's good to be back.)

So This Is What 27 Mil Buys These Days?

2008-08-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of FireJoeMorgan.com, and I subscribe to the general notion that you shouldn't extrapolate too much out of a small sample size. However, this is happening so frequently lately, it's become a trend.

Entering their three game homestand with Boston, the Yankees trailed the Red Sox by five games for the Wild Card spot. If New York has any hope of making the playoffs, they need to win this series; and to win the series, they'll need some contributions from their $275 million man, Alex Rodriguez. So, how did Lexi do? Here's the breakdown:

1st inning- 2 out, nobody on: Strikes out looking.

3rd inning- 1 out, runner on first: 6-4-3 double play.

5th inning- 1 out, runners on first and second: Flies out to center.

7th inning- 1 out, bases loaded: 6-3 double play.

9th inning- 2 out, runner on first: Strikes out swinging, game over.

All totaled, that's an 0 for 5 with two strikeouts, two double plays, and seven runners left on base by Mr. Rodriguez. Oh, and he also had an error at third base for good measure. You might expect that kind of production if you're only paying Andruw Jones kind of money, but once you pass the 20 mil mark, you'd at least hope for a run scoring fielder's choice or something.

On the bright side for Yankees fans, at least you won't have to worry about ARod choking in October this season, since he and the rest of the team will be home,or touring with Madonna. But I don't think Yankees fans are ready for silver linings just yet. As one wrote earlier today, "I wish ARod was in Cory Lidle's plane." Of course, if he had been in the plane, it would have whiffed on the building.

My GM Skills Make Al Davis Look Like A Genius

2008-08-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

I don't usually talk about fantasy football around here. Ok, I haven't talked about much of anything around here lately. Truth is, I'm more embarassed of the fact that I still play fantasy football than I am of my Latex Soccer Mom porn collection. But I'm going to make an exception in this instance because I think my plight will provide comfort to other struggling owners this season who can rest assured that their team can't possibly be worse than the one I put together.

The season hasn't even started, and yet mine is already over- kind of like the Dolphins and Ravens. Like those teams, I have no quarterback. Well, technically I have a QB on my roster. Unfortunately, his name is Matt Leinart, who I drafted despite the fact that Kurt Warner was already on someone else's roster. So, thanks to the fact that during my research, I overlooked the fact that Matt Leinart sucks, I'll be starting off the season with a giant zero in passing while watching Brenda Warner cheer her beard on from the stands. Excellent.

I should have heeded the warning provided by Cade McNown and Tim Couch, former first rounders who like Leinart, were more concerned about nailing playmates than playing football. Not that I can blame them when the playmate is Heather Kozar:

Meanwhile, my only hope is that Leinart's abyssmal performance over the weekend (4-12, 24 yards, 3 ints) was the result of discomfort from a bad herpes flare-up. He certainly had the pocket presence of someone with painful blisters around his shaft. Perhaps he'll feel better in a few days and look great in practice. Valtrex isn't on the league's list of banned substances, is it?

Speaking of fantasy football, I'm sure you've often wondered to yourself why there isn't a 90 minute documentary chronicling the wonders of fantasy football and its World of Warcraft-like hold on players across the country. Well, fortunately for America, such a documentary does exist. I can't say that I've made it all the way through it yet, but from what I can gather, it's kind of like a Michael Moore docudrama. Except in this one, the fat guys don't have a complete disdain for being alive.

Doo-Dah-Yoo, Michael Phelps?

2008-08-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

I'll resume operations here in the Lounge tonight, but in the meantime, here is an image inspired by a reader at Awful Announcing:

One of these photos is of a creepy, wide-eyed creature with an annoying voice that chirps away incessantly. The other is a furby.

Do The Jets Have Some New Jersey Grifter In Them?

2008-08-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Once again, Brett Favre is a role model for the kids, reminding them that if you whine, pout, and stomp your feet long enough, you'll eventually get what you want. Or at least something close to it. Favre finally got his ticket out of Green Bay. Sure it's not to Minnesota or Tampa Bay, but at least it's for a fan base that's been looking for a savior at quarterback:

Or at least that's how things would appear. But can you really trust a team that calls itself New York, but plays in New Jersey? The trade between the Jets and Packers only involves a very conditional draft pick. If Favre doesn't play more than half of the snaps for the Jets, then they only surrender a fourth round pick. Surely, Minnesota would have been willing to give up close to a 2nd round pick which would become a 1st rounder if the Vikings go to the Super Bowl. The Packers wouldn't make that deal with Vikings because they're division rivals, but now that Favre is in the Jets' control, what's to prevent NY/NJ from making the deal? They would essentially be spinning a 4th round pick into a 2nd and maybe a 1st rounder just for playing a role that most Jersey-folk are well acquainted with: the middle man.

It certainly would add some spice to the Vikings-Packers rivalry if they were able to manipulate the Favre situation in such a way. Of course, I admit this far-fetched. It's far more likely that the Jets will start 0-2 with Favre, the NY media will jump all over #4, and Brett will publicly doubt his decision to play again this season and consider re-retiring midseason. Have fun with that, Jets fans. Although, I suppose it's still better than having to watch Kellen Clemens or Chad Pennington for an entire season.