Interesting facts, wonders and jokes

Likle Johnny and Raw Materials

2010-10-24T23:06:00.001-05:00

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".

The teacher smiled and then called on Likle Johnny. Likle Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

Likle Johnny and The Fireman

2010-10-24T23:03:00.001-05:00

A man walking on the sidewalk noticed Likle Johnny was a block ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large black Rottweiler.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Likle Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Likle Johnny in Biology Class

2010-10-24T22:47:00.001-05:00

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Choose Your Battles

2010-10-24T22:39:00.001-05:00

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Stuff You Never Want To Hear During Surgery

2010-10-24T22:19:00.004-05:00

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

I Want to Buy That

2010-10-15T17:43:00.001-05:00

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can purchase the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Got Any Grapes?

2010-10-12T20:57:00.001-05:00

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have
any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck
returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and
the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks
"Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in
here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time
that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and
ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left,
and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The
clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

Likle Johnny and His Dad

2010-10-12T20:53:00.002-05:00

The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that
happened during the past week. Likle Johnny got up and read his essay. He
began, "My dad fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Paint My Porch!

2010-10-12T20:46:00.002-05:00

A teenager wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?"
The kid said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him
that the paint and ladders he might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does that boy realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?" The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the
porch."
A short time later, the teen came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" asked the man. "Yes," the teen answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the
way," the teen added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

City Farmer

2010-10-12T20:25:00.002-05:00

A city teen moves to the country and joins the 4-H Club. For his first project,
he selects raising chickens. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me
100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the teen comes back to the co-op and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the teen returns. This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be
doing well!"
"Naw," said the teen with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or
too far apart!"

Wrong Number: College Edition

2010-10-12T20:09:00.003-05:00

It was last Wednesday night, and Mark was sitting in his dorm room watching
television when the phone rang. "Hello?" he said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
Mark who lives by himself, and whose name definitely is not Ben thought it was probably
a wrong number but was bored decided to play along. "I'm sorry, he's not in right
now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
Mark replied "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?"
Having enjoying himself so far Mark responded, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,"
she said in a slightly irritated voice.
He replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said
that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message
for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and he could hear her temper
flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I
thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and
she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
Mark smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

Mean Lawyer

2010-10-09T11:27:00.005-05:00

A local Jamaican Peace Corp office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the country's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000 (US) you give not a dollar to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the Peace Corp rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken Peace Corp rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated Peace Corp rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the smart ass lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Ways To Lower The Phone Bill

2010-10-09T10:50:00.003-05:00

The house phone bill was exceptionally high, so the man of the house called a family meeting on a Saturday morning after breakfast.

Dad: People, 'ere mi now - Dis wrong. You haffi cut back pon the long distance and cell phone calls dat unuh mekking on the house phone. De phone bill getting very high, and me not even use the house phone fi dem calls any more. Mi use the one ah mi office.

Mum: Same here. Mi hardly use de house phone, because mi mek most of those calls pon mi work phone.

Son: Me too. Mi stop use the house phone long time. Mi always use mi company mobile weh dem gimme.

Helper (Maid): So, wha de problem? Look like all ah wi a use wi work phone then!

Be Careful OF What You Say To Kids

2010-10-06T23:31:00.001-05:00

Little Johnny, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

Little Johnny thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Row Row Row Your Boat

2010-10-06T22:32:00.001-05:00

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Actual Questions Asked

2010-10-06T22:01:00.002-05:00

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q:Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
A:The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

The Wrong Side

2010-10-06T00:26:00.001-05:00

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

A Drunk Night Out

2010-10-06T00:23:00.002-05:00

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Point Well Taken. LOL!!

2010-10-06T00:06:00.004-05:00

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait/tackle box. She says "Mark, I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "Yeah. If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Imaginary snakes

2010-10-05T23:18:00.005-05:00

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

The Candle

2009-12-11T12:33:00.001-06:00

`Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mr. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied, "That you did, Father."`

`The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went.`

`A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles, ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out that damn candle!"`

The Last Fling

2009-12-11T12:30:00.002-06:00

`Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.`

`The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."`

`The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"`

`His friend says "I think mine was a witch!" "A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?" "Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"`

Test confirms Beer contains female hormones

2009-12-11T12:26:00.001-06:00

`Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men do in fact turn into women.`

`To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:`

`1) Argued over nothing.`
`2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.`
`3) Gained weight.`
`4) Talked excessively without making sense.`
`5) Became overly emotional.`
`6) Couldn't drive.`
`7) Failed to think rationally.`
`8) Had to sit down while urinating.`
`No further testing was considered necessary.`

JPS Man

2009-12-11T12:15:00.003-06:00

One Monday morning the JPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Ricky, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beers and liquor bottles.

“Bombaat Ricky, looks like uno guys had one heck of a party last night,” the JPS man comments. Ricky, in obvious pain, replies “Actually a Saturday night it did keep. Dis a di first mi feel like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood ova for some weekend fun and it got a bit outa hand. Rahtid, di whole a wi get so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The JPS man thinks a moment and says, “A how yuh play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the man dem go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through di hole in di sheet. Den the women dem try guess a who.”

The JPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good ting to,” Ricky responded. “Cuz your name call up seven times.......if i were u mi wudnt check the rest a the street meter again”

An Innocent Child's Prayer

2009-12-11T12:09:00.003-06:00

One day Johnny decided to do his Christmas homework on his father's laptop because his was broken. After turning it on and seeing a folder named breasts (which so happen to be the topic he is doing:Breast cancer), Johnny thought what luck his homework has already been done. To his shock he saw all sorts of you guessed it naked women.. Being of pure innocence this is what he prayed that night when both his parents tucked him in bed and asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Johnny's Prayer...

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer. Amen."