In the beginning there was Genesis

It's in his heart

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 15:43:00 +0000

Yesterday for the first time ever, D2 remembered Genesis and Exodus all on his own. Just randomly he comes to me and tells me:
"We gonna see Genesis in the new system. And Exodus." There is nothing like hearing your children speak the name of the sibling they never knew.

A Decade & Random Acts of Kindness

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 17 Mar 2017 23:24:00 +0000

As usual we went to go visit Genesis' stone at Garfield Park like we do every year. It was just gorgeous weather. I usually have a million things to do on her birthday and I always worry that I'll forget something. I was so confident that I had remembered everything.

First, I think this is worth mentioning before anything. On Wednesday when I picked G up from school she showed me a "book" she made. She told me that she wrote in the book the message that she wanted to write on the balloon for Genesis. This is her book. She knows that she and her siblings are rainbow babies. And Ive explained the meaning... but I suppose it hasn't quite registered with her. What she does know is that I love rainbows. She loves rainbows. Rainbow are pretty. And she likes to share things that she loves and thinks is pretty. And that's why she's including Genesis as a rainbow baby. Below is a translation to what she wrote.

"You are the best sister I ever had! I hope you come back in the new system. I love you forever and ever! We will always love you. After we go to your rock, we will go to Souplantation. We will always remember you.

Love: G <3"

As you can imagine it brought made me cry like a baby. She is just so sweet.

As far as the flowers.... So this year I knew I wanted to do something different. I usually order pink gerber daisies but for this year that wasn't going to cut it. I couldn't just do the norm for her. This had to be special. I was looking for exotic. Unique. Something that made a statement. I was told what I was looking for wasn't available because they were just coming out of the ground a week ago and wouldn't be ready for when I needed then.

I then decided to do plan B which was going with dahlias for my order. However when the florist faceTimed me so that I could actually cherry pick the flowers, he was at his suppliers place and they actually had the proteas I wanted. I was so thrilled. (For anyone wondering what these are, the big blossom with the white cone looking thing inside is a king protea. The smaller half opened buds to the side of it are queen proteas. And the others are different colored pin cushion proteas.) The bouquet was seriously huge!Anyway, more about her day. So I usually get Genesis pink gerber daisies. But this year I told myself that I cant do the usual. 10 years is a big deal and I cannot observe it by just doing something average. I wanted something new. Something unique. Something exotic. Something different. This year I went all out and bought a bouquet of mixed proteas. It was quite the struggle getting them. I was told a week before her birthday that it was not doable. That they are just coming out of the ground and they would not be ready for her birthday. I quickly came up with a plan B and was

I also decided to do something different with balloons. I usually do the same number balloons as her age but instead of doing 10 balloons I just picked some special balloons. I actually made emoji balloons. Yes, I made them. I bought the balloons separately and I was able to attach the smaller stars to the large hearts and the large star.

The older rainbows like emojis for some reasons (no they don't have cell phones lol), so I figure if Genesis were here maybe she would like them too. I think its the "in" thing for kids. Or I don't know lol Im only just guessing.

Anyway, the kids were a handful. Especially now that they are all mobile. (last year N wasn't walking yet) My wonderful brother got time off not one but two of his jobs to be able to be there with us. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. Im just blown away by how much he supports me and loves Genesis. Thanks to my brother, he was able to keep the kids somewhat in check. Or at least from running all over the park.

We wrote the following messages for Genesis.

We got some really gorgeous photos at her stone.

The balloon release went off without a hitch. It was a little breezy so we had to find a an area with a lot of room so that the balloons didn't get caught on anything. (Remember last year they got stuck on a power line. And I was so upset at myself because I realized I had forgotten to take photos of the notes we wrote. I ended up re-buying the exact same balloons the next day. We all wrote the same things on the balloons and I photographed those) This year I did something a little different. Usually I am the one who does the balloon release as the kids watch. I mostly do this because Im afraid they will let go at the wrong time or they will end up fighting about who will get to actually hold. Anyway, as you can see in the above photos, they were all involved in the actual release. To my surprise N was the most excited to see them fly off. She was jumping, squealing, laughing and reaching up and pointing to the balloons as they floated away. I have video of this too. Its the most adorable thing.

I usually leave one of the flowers from the bouquet at Genesis rock and take the rest. I usually like the idea of having something at home that is also with her... at least for a time we are connected in that way. But these flowers were so special that I knew someone would take it if I left it there. So I decided to bring them all home with me. (The great thing about proteas is that they basically last forever when dried out. So thats what I plan to do) G was a sweetheart though and was picking flowers in the grass and before we left she was sure to leave some flowers at Genesis stone.

We all decided to go to eat at Souplantation afterwards. It wasn't a random choice either. Yes we like it there but thats not the reason I chose it. 10 years ago after Genesis was born.... after I got to see her the one and only time in the mortuary.... we all went to eat at Souplantation afterwards. I remember that visit like it was yesterday. It was my mom and dad, brother and sister and my now ex husband. I remember one of the employees of the restaurant came to our table and asked us if we wanted to be part of "Club Veg" where you get points or earn free meals or something like that. I said sure! I had to fill out a little piece of paper that asked stuff like your name, age and email. There was a question I was not prepared for.

"Do you have any children?"

Yup. And thats when the life of a BLM started. So I thought it would be fitting to go back to the same place. Yes, even the exact same location. So much has changed since then. And yet, some things still remain exactly the same. Like how much I miss her.

Anyway, it wasn't until we got home that I realized I forgot to have a photo taken with my brother. I was so bummed. Then today as I was uploading the pictures I realized I forgot to take my Genesis bear! OMG! And I forgot to have a photo taken of just me and Marlon at her stone. My goodness. Its getting harder each year to remember all these things. Getting older makes you forget. But also so does having 4 kids. Sigh.

As I mentioned before, I also did 10 Random Act of Kindness (RAOK) on her birthday. Here they are below:

RAOK #1: I paid for the person behind me at Starbucks. I have video too of me doing so. I left the barista with a little tag to give to the person behind me to let them know why I was paying for their coffee. In a twisted turn of events, it wasn't until I left the drive through that I realized they actually didn't give me part of my own order haha! Its ok. I know the universe will pay me back someday.

RAOK #2: I left some bubbles at Smith Park. They have some playground equipment that is 3 stories tall. So I placed it at the very top to make sure a kid found it.

RAOK #3 & #4: I placed two little tags on some gum ball machines so that some kids could get themselves a little treat.

ROAK #5: I went to my local Target and in the women's restroom I left a bag on the changing table. It was filled with all sorts of little things for babies in the event there was a mom struggling.

ROAK #6 & #7: At a dollar tree I left two dollar bills with my tag on it for some kid to be able to treat him or herself to a little treat.

ROAK #8: At another park I left some more bubbles.

RAOK #9: I Left a little gift pack for a little girl.

RAOK #10: I left a little gift pack for a little boy.

It felt amazing to be able to do these little acts of kindness all day yesterday. I was also shocked how many people also participated.

Below is an account of everyone that participated:

Jaimie shared the following:
"Thank you! Happy Birth+1day to Genesis! My ROAK was to find a charity to donate to in hopes of it relating to her name as well as to benefit babies and children and look at what I found!! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to fulfill it yesterday. It was a crazy busy day and I couldn't complete the donation without your address as they needed it in order to send you a donation recognition card in Genesis' name.

I absolutely loved checking in on your page yesterday! So much love being shared! What a fabulous way to honor your girl. I'm so lucky to have been able to partake!"

This one was from Marlon. I know he didn't want to be recognized for this but I had to share. This homeless man basically lives around his work and is always rummaging through trash. Today he went on his day off and found him near his work and gave him some money. It wasn't a whole lot but probably enough for at least a few meals. He also gave him a card letting him know he was doing this for our daughter who passed away. He was so grateful.

My wonderful friend Leah who is NOT a blm shared the following two acts of kindness:

"Out with some friends and my friend just saw this homeless man without shoes. Without thinking twice, she sat down on the sidewalk and gave him her socks. She doesn't know you and neither of us knew Genesis but that was a wink if I've ever seen one!"

Sweet Monique is also NOT a blm:

My amazing friend Erica is also NOT a blm:

Above was Sue's post on her fb page and below were comments from her friends that I do not know. Im just so moved.

There were still quite a few people that have planned RAOKs to be done after her b day which is absolutely incredible. I cannot tell you how moved I am by everyones participation. The stories and photos moved me to tears. And how many people spoke her name that day has left me speechless. That wasn't something I asked people to do. I know thats as a BLM its hard for us to bring up our children especially to strangers who ask simple questions like "how many kids do you have?" because we don't know how they will respond. It usually makes for a very awkward and short conversation. So this was not something I asked anyone to do. But SO many people did. And they did so even if it made them cry. They were crying tears for MY child. Do you know what that means to me? I don't even have the words. Just as I sit here Im crying just thinking about the love and support that I have been shown. And also to have people who have not lost a child participate is HUGE for me. These people love me and Genesis that much, that they chose to participate and support me on this very special day.

Ive said it before and I will say it again. "Thank you" seems to fall so so short of the gratitude I want to extend to all of you. You have made this mama very very happy. I am moved beyond words. And I will never forget her 10th birthday thanks so you all. You all are incredible friends and amazing beautiful human beings. You have certainly restored my faith in humanity. Sending you all so much love and gratitude.

10 years

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Thu, 16 Mar 2017 13:31:00 +0000

March 16th 2007, a beautiful little girl came into the world sleeping. Every day since then, I have wondered who she would have been. Today she would have been a bright eyed, curly haired 10 year old.... probably fighting with her 5 other siblings, but also sharing so much love. Instead, she's in paradise with her younger sister watching us from above. From the moment I was told she wouldn't survive I mourned the potential lifetime of memories that should have been. However today I focus on the fact that she did live. During her life, she knew nothing but the love and warmth of her mother. She made me the best mother I could possibly be for my rainbows. She changed me in a way that I can't even begin to describe. She connected me to the meaning of life. To the universe. To earth. To fulfillment. To knowledge. To empowerment. To strength. And to so much more. She opened my mind and understanding. She has been the greatest teacher I have ever had. I can only hope that I can teach her siblings what she has taught me as they grow up. If I succeed at that, my mission as their mother is complete. I am so honored that the universe chose me to be her mother. I will continue to remember her, honor her and speak her name for the rest of my life. I await the day we meet again on the other side of the stars. Love you forever and always. A mothers love never ends.

TONS of Winks

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 03:55:00 +0000

Ok so yesterday and today I had a TON of winks. On the way to pick up the kids from school I saw a rainbow in the sky. Rainbows are not necessarily her thing but I have mentioned anytime I see something special or unique or out of the ordinary it makes me think of Genesis so Im counting it. Then we met up with my in laws for dinner. When I went to pay there was a problem with my card. I ended up having to call my bank and order a new card. Part of their verification process was to text me a verification code. Just look at the code. Yeah, need I say more. As we were leaving the restaurant the car in front of us was a Genesis. (yes horrible photo I know but its what I could get) And lastly, the kids were watching the movie Pixels this morning and for some reason and they actually mention her name in the movie. Just wow. There is no denying she's showing me her presence as I approach this big milestone without her.

Thank you baby girl. Mama loves knowing you are near.

See you on the other side of the stars.

A Daily Wink

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 22:03:00 +0000

When we moved 6 months ago we ended up on the third floor of our apartment complex. Yeah its sort of a hassle climbing 3 flights of stairs with 4 kids and especially carrying groceries up... however there is a really great perk, at least for me. I pass this door at least 4 times a day. When I leave to take the kids to school and when I come back. And when I leave to to pick them up and come back. Plus any other time I have to leave for anything else. I pass a ton of different doors, but this one... this one always makes me happy.

Why Cant I Kick This Bad Habit

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 16:34:00 +0000

Against my better judgement I asked my mom if she and my dad wanted to join us next week for Genesis 10th birthday. Why did I invite her? Well, its pretty easy to explain. Because Im desperate. Im am always desperate for people to remember Genesis. I absolutely hate that 99% of my family doesn't mention her. And that equates to not remembering her to me. I have invited some family to come next week and only one person, my brother of course, said he would be there. I mean, I get that its harder because its during the week and people work. I get that aspect. My amazing brother asked for time off work from BOTH his jobs to be there. Like... Wow. Im beside myself with gratitude that he would go that far. I realize not everyone can afford to do that. But these people that declined to come also didn't join my random acts of kindness virtual event. I mean is it really that hard to do something nice and say you participated? They also refused to say "oh but ill stop by her stone on the weekend" or give any sort of alternative option to show they are supporting me and care. That's what gets me. I actually had one person said they would not "attend" aka do anything nice that day in memory of Genesis. And this was a BLM. Id really hate to think she is really that cold but there is always the chance she didn't actually read what the event was about. Either way, her doing that did sting a little.

Anyway, when mentioning it to my mom her initial response was "oh, um, well we have plans that evening." Then when I went on to tell her were were going out to lunch afterwards her tone changed and she sounded more upbeat and said "oh how fun!" I know exactly how they think. She liked the idea of going to lunch at a place that is a family favorite rather than remember her granddaughter 10 years after she passed. By the end of my conversation I told her... well let me know what you decide. I sort of hope she says she's not coming because I cant stand fakes. My dad didn't even remember Genesis' name last time they came and he actually wrote G's name on the balloon. smh.

I just cant believe a decade later Im till begging people to remember her. I truly fear the day I die will be the last day people will mention her name. My eyes are watering now even just thinking about it.

Sorta freaking out

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 08 Mar 2017 19:45:00 +0000

Her birthday is next Thursday. Im a week and a day away. Im having issues with the florist ordering her flowers. I wanted to do something different with the flowers this year and its proving to be very difficult. Nothing is set in stone and ordered yet which is freaking me out. Im a planner and usually have this already taken care of like a month or so in advance. Im supposed to get a call back today with more information but they have been pretty flakey about keeping me up to date with information. I really hope they don't ruin this part of her birthday.

Side note, I never told them what the flowers were for. They asked but I just said its for a special day for me personally. Nothing fancy. In a conversation with another employee they asked if this was for a funeral. Im not sure why they would ask that. Im ordering a bunch of flowers not in an arrangement or anything. So Im not sure why they would even get the idea it was for a funeral or something related to loss. I mean it is but I never let on that it was.

The "Perfect" Family

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 08 Mar 2017 19:37:00 +0000

I went to get my hair done last week, I know... it was WAY over due as I never EVER get to treat myself like that, and well... the usual things that happen at a hair salon happened.

You strike up a conversation with your hair dresser, you share a bit of your soul with them, you go back and forth about your personal problems and challenges.... I learned a lot about her and she barely started to scratch the surface with me.

As soon as she found out I had 4 kids she asked the usual question every one asks: Hoy many boys? How many girls? I reply that I have two of each. And I get the same reply that I get from most people.

Oh wow! So perfect! That's like my dream family.

It's such a simple statement. It has all the good intent in the world. It's even a compliment of sorts. I know people who say this truly are well meaning. So it honestly doesn't reflect anything negative about them. But I have got to tell you. Comments like that stay with me. Ive blogged about that before.

My "perfect" family took blood sweat and tears and A LOT of faith to get here. My "perfect" family is actually a family of 8 which includes 4 girls and 2 boys. To me that is perfect. Having both the daughters I lost here would be absolute perfection.

So next time you see the "perfect" family... weather that is a family of a boy and girl or two boys and two girls or whatever the idea of perfection is to you, just take a moment to ponder on what it took to actually get there. And for a moment give thought to the idea that perhaps its not perfect to them. And that it took a lot of sacrifice and loss to get there.

And it begins

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 19:18:00 +0000

Its March once again. But this one, this is the 10th March since her birth. I am beside myself that a decade is just a matter of days away.

Anyway, I decided to do something different this year than what I have done in prior years. Yes I will still do a balloon release and visit her stone in the Children's Memorial Garden at Garfield Park, but I decided Im going to do 10 random acts of kindness. One for every year I have been without her. I want to transform any feelings of sadness and pain into something kind and happy. And these aren't just any random act of kindness... most if not all of them will be random acts of kindness to children and or parents.

I created a Facebook event where I invite all my friends to join me (virtually) to do any random act of kindness. I only ask for at least one but you can do as many as you'd like. It can be however big or small as you like too. It can be as simple as giving a stranger a compliment or paying for someones meal. Totally up to you. In the Facebook event, I ask that you do this on her birthday 3/16 and share on the event page your story, photo or video of your random act of kindness. I will do the same. This is also open to this on instagram as well. On instagram I ask that you please use the hashtag #genesis10thbday and tag me please @themrsdeleon It will probably be a busy and emotional day for be but I will see every single post just as soon as I can.

Participating in this with me brings me more joy that I can tell you. Knowing that people are doing this in my daughters name and thus keeping her memory alive is priceless to me. It makes this first huge milestone a bit more bearable to deal with.

Ive already begun getting my random acts of kindness together and putting these cute tags on them.

So if we are Facebook friends, please be sure to join me on my Facebook event. On instagram you can still participate by tagging and including the hashtag. As long as your account is public I will be able to see your post. Ill be sharing everyones stories and photos here on the blog after her big day.

Thank you to everyone who has already let me know that they will be part of the random acts of kindness on her birthday. You are so appreciated.

A final goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 03 Feb 2017 20:15:00 +0000

Even though we moved about 5 months ago, my parents were still living in the home we moved out from. The sale of the house is set to be final sometime next week. I went yesterday to say a final goodbye to the house that has held memories since 2001. We moved into this house when I was about 17 years old. Still in my late childhood/ early adulthood. I moved out for about 2 years from 2004-2006. Then came back and lived there until this last August. It holds memories from around my high school graduation, my college years, my dating , my fist marriage, the conception of all my kids, the death of 2 of my children (stillbirth and miscarriage), my divorce, my second marriage, first steps, first words, first almost everything for all my rainbows.... there is a whole lot of memories in these walls.

Probably the most special place, you already know Ive blogged about it before, is the kids room. Initially it was made for Genesis. She died before I got to finish it but I was determined to have rainbows grow up in this room and I finished it even before I had a living child. So much emotion went into this mural. I did eventually have D & G use this room. Both as babies and older children. Because of how small the room is, and also because of how young D2 & N were, they never got a chance to use this room. Of course I would use it to hold their clothes in the closet and change their diapers on the changing table... but they never got a chance to sleep there. They didn't play with their toys there. They didnt really get to make any memories in this room. And for that I am a little sad. This is the only time the younger two have been in this very special room. They loved the koi fish. Im only sorry they didnt get to enjoy this room more. This will probably be the last time I lay eyes on this mural. I have no idea who the new owners are or their plans for the room. Id be surprised if they kept it. But either way I would have no way of knowing what they end up doing.

I have made it a tradition to leave a little note behind each one of our homes. After all, it housed so many memories between 2001-2016.

Feeling it

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 03:08:00 +0000

In the last week, there have been a few instances where I am suddenly filled with sadness. The tears have filled my eyes until they could hold no more. The tears just flowed. And I knew exactly why.

Its that time of year again.

Where new years resolutions are quickly replaced by hearts and flowers for Valentines Day.

And yes, in some places you will already see the rainbows, pots of gold and clovers for St. Patricks Day.

YES. ST. PATRICKS DAY.

I still cant believe yet another is approaching.

Not just any, but her 10th birthday.

I feel like a decade is some sort of milestone. I try to reflect back at how far I have come and yet how part of me haven't moved an inch in 10 years. It's so very hard to describe.

I thought I would have a bigger "celebration" or Im not sure what to call it.... but I though that somehow I would do something bigger than just go to see her at her stone. I mean I will for sure do that but I feel like 10 years needs to be even more special. I just don't know how. Ive casually mentioned to my mom that Id like for her and my dad to be there. They are currently selling their home and this is the week they need to leave so I was sort of brushed off. I honestly doubt they will remember. I asked my sister to go, but she is working. Genesis birthday lands on a Thursday this year. My brother did tell me that he would be there and I cannot tell you how much that truly means to me. But honestly, Im not sure how to do anything bigger. I mean.. its not like people will come. I have so little support. But anyway... Im not sure what the days events will bring just yet. All I know is that I need to get started in ordering her balloons and flowers.

A Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 17:37:00 +0000

I had a very odd dream about Genesis last night. I was at a mortuary, not the one that actually cremated Genesis. It was just a random building that was a mortuary. I went in trying to figure out where Genesis was and what happened to her. I was looking through the records of our "services".In reading it I saw that the records showed that I died while I was pregnant with Genesis. I remember thinking this was a little odd since obviously I was alive. But I accepted the fact that I had died and that it was some prior life or something. The director of the facility, a bald white man with a white long beard and glasses, told me that Genesis had been "extracted" from my body. I remember I was shocked when he told me the news. They couldn't tell me why they removed her from my body. And they couldn't tell me what happened to her. Where her body went and what was done. I remember being so mad that they lost my daughter. In a very odd twist part of the file I was reading over, also showed that D and G died as well. I remember thinking he died at 4 years old... that would put G at 2 years old.. Then I looked at the director and said I cant believe its been 4 years and that D would have been around 6 years old (yes I know the numbers don't add up, but thats what was in my dream).... then he corrected me and told me that D would actually be 11 today. My jaw hit the floor. I told him I couldn't believe how much time had passed. In a strange twist, in my dream I still had D and G alive though. They weren't in my dream but I remember thinking that D and G were at home. Like there were two sets of D & G. Kind of like there were two of me. Its strange and I cant even begin to explain it. Anyway, I started crying and felt the pain of losing D & G as if it just happened... it sort of felt like this was the first I heard of it but seeing the records reminded me that they died.... so so strange. But I was sobbing so uncontrollably. I remember leaving the mortuary and telling a woman I was with that I was going to consult with a lawyer because they lost genesis body. SO WEIRD.

A visit on an anniversary

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 22 Nov 2016 16:36:00 +0000

I woke up this morning and remembered that I had a dream regarding Genesis. There was a young boy in the dream maybe about D's age and he was holding a newborn baby girl. This boy somehow knew my family and looked at me while holding this baby saying "(baby's name that I can't remember) was born just after Genesis died." I remember thinking "um okay..." Then this boy just decides to talk to me about Genesis which surprised me because I didn't even think he knew about her. He asked me nonchalantly "What were her interests and likes in life?" I didn't respond right away because his question surprised me. He spoke of her as if she had lived outside of me. After a long pause I replied "Well, she loves her family. She has a very strong sense of family." Of course I knew that because of all the signs Ive gotten from her and how she lets me know she is around. Then I continued "I don't know what her interests and likes were because she never got a chance to live life." Then later on in my dream I felt like her spirit was trying to make contact. I could feel her presence. I felt this weird feeling of like an electrical current run through me. And that was pretty much my dream.

As I was telling my husband about my dream this morning he tells me he had a dream too. Told me he and I were in my car and I was driving. When suddenly I got this shocked look in my face and basically froze while pushing on the gas pedal. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I saw something. Something having to do with like a spirit or something. Although he couldn't recount the dream 100% with all the details he thought it had something to do with Genesis. Maybe I saw her or something.

I found it a little surprising that we both had a dream about Genesis.

Then it hit me.

Today of all days it is very significant that we both had a visit from Genesis in our dreams.

10 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with my first child. With Genesis. Wow.

Today my BLM new year begins its 10th year.

A decade.

No wonder my girl decided it was an important time to visit and let me know she is near.

And now I basically countdown the days till her birthday.

My god. Where did 10 years go.

I would have a 10 year old.

I miss her just as much now than ever before.

A Winner

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 06 Nov 2016 16:20:00 +0000

A couple days ago I entered a raffle to win a gorgeous carved goddess. She's made of Rainbow Obsidian. (You know I love rainbow anything lol) I bought two tickets and I had to choose a number between 1 and 50 for each ticket. I don't have lucky numbers or anything so I had to think about which numbers I would pick. 16 came to mind first because of Genesis' birthday. Then I thought of Exodus. I said, well she didnt really have a birthday because she was never born, so what day do I associate wit her. The day I found out I was pregnant with her, which was mothers day 2013. Which happened to be 5/12/13. So I picked 12. After I picked it, I had a very certain feeling that Exodus was going to have a hand in me winning this statue. I can't even explain how I knew it. I just had a feeling. I actually visualized myself winning. But at that point I thought it was just positive thinking. Well, lo and behold the next morning I find that they did in fact pick 12, Exodus' number, and I won. I could not believe it. Im still stunned.

In other news, last night I had a dream about Genesis and Exodus. Together. I saw them as small infants. Maybe about a year old maybe two. Unfortunately they were not alive. They were laying in bed with me as I had N on the other side of me. (sounds really morbid I know) and N was asleep and someone else was in the room with me but I don't know who. They said don't move the babies (Genesis and Exodus) because it would tickle them. I accidentally moved them and they started giggling and kicking. But as soon as I stopped moving so did they and they went back to being dead. Im telling ya, I can't wrap my head around this weird dream. It happened a few times where I would move and they would start giggling and kicking and rolling over. The whole time I didn't really get a good look at them. I think I saw the one closest to me a little better but Im not sure. They never opened their eyes. And I don't know who was who. I remember they had light skin and dark hair. The girl I saw better had curly hair, and it was somewhat short. I woke up and felt really sad and a little freaked out by my dream. Im not sure what it means if anything. But one thing is for sure, I def think my girls visited me and thats why I had a dream about them. Its the first dream Ive ever had that they were both in the dream together.

Oh, and last night we saw a shooting star. Although I'm not sure if thats the accurate term. Meteor? Is that it? It was very low in the sky, and it lasted a while. We saw it white at first then some green flames before it disappeared just over our home. It was D's first shooting star. I don't think any of the other rainbows actually saw it. We were in the car and just arriving back home from a wedding we attended.

My BLM new year

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 01 Nov 2016 19:25:00 +0000

Winks in the most unexpected places

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 21:44:00 +0000

I posted a comment on Facebook on a public post and got many likes for it. One of likes came from this woman. It made me smile.

He Always Remembers

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 21:44:00 +0000

I saw this on the fridge today and I knew exactly who did it. D always remembers his sisters. This made me so very happy. Brought a tear to my eyes.

You've Got Mail

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 22:19:00 +0000

A beautiful BLM reached out last week and asked me if she could make something for Exodus. Of course I said yes! It arrived just a few days ago and it was even more beautiful than I expected. This means so much to me as this is Exodus' first piece of mail ever.

Another Visit

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 17:11:00 +0000

I was just sitting in the living room and saw something flutter by the balcony door. It was another hummingbird coming right up into our balcony and up to the window. I just know this girl is saying hi.

Nature is amazing

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 00:00:00 +0000

As I was driving home today I saw a tiny rainbow in the sky (left side of photo). I couldn't get a good look as I was driving so I just took a bunch of pictures. Once I got home I noticed that the rainbow was an entire circle! It looks like it was around the sun. I think this is called a sun dog. Ive never seen one before. It was absolutely stunning, miraculous even. Amazing things like this def make me think about my girls.

Another Rainbow in the Horizon

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 02:11:00 +0000

Remember my neighbor from this post? Im happy to share that she is pregnant with her rainbow baby and that she is expecting another girl! Im so thrilled for her.

Walk To Remember 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 02:03:00 +0000

Today was the Walk to Remember. It was the first walk in which I walked for both my girls. It was also N's first walk. As usual, my wonderful brother came with me to show his support. I am always so moved by his support, and of course so thankful. Also this year there seems to have been some changes in how the walk is run. I really don't care to get into specifics nor do I want to be accused of bashing this organization... but I feel like perhaps this might be the last time I attend this particular walk. Im looking into seeing if any neighboring walks operate the same way. It really is a shame. That's all I have to say about that.

As far as the actual walk, we had a lovely time. Im almost a decade out from losing Genesis and I def handle these events a lot more different than I used to. I didn't cry. Although when they read a poem and the mother started to cry, It did tug at my heartstrings. I definitely have my arms more full of children than I did before, but thats not to say that they somehow offset the loss of my two daughters. They simply made life a bit sweeter. At any rate, we will see what next years walk holds. Only time will till.

A New Chapter

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 19:28:00 +0000

I realize I haven't mentioned this here yet. Last month my husband got a vasectomy.We had been discussing it for some time and agreed this was the right thing for our family. It took forever to finally get it done as we had to jump through a ton of hoops from the insurance.

Having said that... Im not gonna lie. I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, Im 100% sure we are done having babies.

Ive grown 6 babies in my womb. Gave birth to 5. Nursed 3. And Im raising 4 kids. Pregnancy isn't easy for me. Its really a horrible time for me physically and going through it while taking care of kids is just impossible. I literally cannot do anything and feel like absolute crud the whole time. I want to finally be done with diapers, and teething, and all the baby stuff and move on to the older kid stuff. I cannot wait until they are all in school,

BUT, there is magic that comes with pregnancy. Its a very beautiful time. Childbirth is absolutely a miraculous moment. Nursing is an incredible bond. And seeing your children grow at home is irreplaceable.

So although we are done... I will still miss the pregnant belly. I will miss feeling kicks within my womb. I will miss meeting a snuggly newborn for the first time. I will miss that tiny bundle all cozied up and smelling as fresh as could be. I will miss the "goo's" and the "gaa's" and all those cute firsts. But it is on to a new chapter.

So Bittersweet

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 19:11:00 +0000

N playing with the toys we bought for Genesis. Sigh. She will be the last baby. The rainbow to ever play with these. After she's outgrown these toys I will be adding them to Genesis memory box. I can't ever see myself getting rid of these toys.

A Rare Wink

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 17:09:00 +0000

On Facebook today I saw a video a friend shared and I saw this in the very beginning of it. It wasn't anything religious related... it was just a video of cats. Seeing this made me really happy as I rarely get winks from Exodus.