In the Crate

Chrusciki

2007-04-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

I am a chrusciki, just in time for Easter. All that's missing is the liberal dusting of powdered sugar. The human goddess says I am as fragrant as a Polish angel wing cookie. If you get really close, you'll notice the subtle top notes of rum and butter. That's amazing. How do I do it?

Dog days of winter

2007-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

Laziness is the rule rather than the exception, except when I go out and tear around in the snow like a mad dog.

You want poem parodies? You want articulate, insightful essays? You do? Show me how much you want one of those little treats from me. Go on. Beg.

Deus Sol Invictus

2006-12-25T08:47:00.000-08:00

...is the reason for the season.

Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and Blessed Whatever Else you celebrate this time of year.

Silent Night?

2006-12-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to stay one step ahead of the humans. Mom (otherwise known as the human goddess) brought out that dreaded (not to mention ridiculous) music again. Christmas Unleashed by the Jingle Dogs. Bark bark bark. Woof woof woof. Hoooowwwwl. Even a few meows thrown in to add insult to ear injury. "Waltz of the Snowflakes"? "The Nutcracker March"? "Ding Dong Merrily on High"?

Mom watched my sister and me expectantly. She wanted us to bark, I just knew it. Or maybe do that real cute quizzical head-cocking thing we do when we hear something weird.

We did something way cooler.

Nothing. No reaction. We unequivocally ignored the music. Ignored it? We didn't even hear it. We pretended we were sleeping.

Sometimes you have to ignore bad behavior in humans. Responding only encourages them.

im in ur doorway

2006-11-11T22:05:00.000-08:00

The softest blanket ever

2006-11-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

See the dilemma here? The patch of sunlight is moving gradually away, but this special place on the blanket is warm. Me, blankets, warmth... notice the recurring theme?

Beware

2006-10-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

Mom learned how to turn off the flash on the camera.

Service at 7

2006-08-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

We want to be fed early on Sunday mornings. Whining ensues. (Those humans are such babies.)

My sister is patriotic!

2006-07-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's almost July 4th. You know, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands,
one Nation, under Dog..."

World dominion, one step at a time

2006-07-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

This chair suits me very well. My daddy thinks it's his chair. I let him use it for about an hour a day, early in the morning before I wake up. It's all part of my plan to take over all the cozy things in the house.

The Persistence of Me

2006-06-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

OK, I cooperated, a little.

The Persistence of Memory

2006-06-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

Or, The Persistence of Me. Remember the Hershey bar pillow? It's mine now. I knew they would give in and let me use it. I like to jump up on the bed and drape myself across the Hershey pillow just like the dogs in the picture are draped over tree branches. You know, like the melting clocks in the original Salvador Dali painting.

It's hard to take a picture of me stretched out lazily on the Hershey bar pillow because I snap to attention in the presence of a camera. Maybe someday I'll cooperate and strike the right pose.

Dog evolution

2006-05-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

The human goddess has a plastic bin that she keeps important papers in. The color is called "glacier" but it's really blue. Yesterday I walked over to the plastic bin and dug around in it, spilling some papers out onto the floor. I snooped around until I found a bright pink tablet of sticky-notes. I found the human goddess and stood in front of her with the bright pink sticky-notes in my mouth. The top page had these words on it: BRUSH THE DOGS. It was obviously a reminder for the male human. He's the one who has the privilege of brushing us. He got the brush from the closet and Sister and I went out in the yard with him. And we got brushed. I love getting brushed!

We're getting smarter all the time. We can't read yet, but we can feel the essence of the words.

It's only a matter of time before world dominion.

Be afraid.

Apologies to Richard Brautigan

2006-05-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

DECEMBER 30

At 1:03 in the morning a fart
smells like a marriage between
an avocado and a fish head.

I have to get out of bed
to write this down without
My glasses on.
.........................

My interpretation:

MAY 20

At 7:03 in the evening a Quorn nugget
smells like a marriage between
fried chicken and an egg roll.

I have to get off the bed
to zoom into the kitchen with
My begging face on.

WOOP

2006-05-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

My sister makes more noise when she's sleeping than when she's awake. I think she channels the souls of her ancestors. She's probably dreaming about being a wild dog in Australia. Last night she said WOOP. Repeatedly. WOOP. At twenty second intervals. WOOP. The humans thought the sound was coming from a freakish animal somewhere. They were right.

Mister Toast and Z

2006-05-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

Could I have some scrambled eggs with that?

Rabbit season

2006-04-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

My sister found something in the yard. It was moving around in the grass. She picked it up in her mouth and it started squeaking frantically! She thought it would be a good idea to bring this squeaking thing into the house.

Our humans said "No." Sister put the thing down and they made us go inside. We sat around looking guilty.

The humans decided the squeaky thing was a baby bunny. It had no fur and its ears were stuck down on its head. It was tiny and pathetic. They were afraid it would die out there in the yard, alone. They said my sister probably wanted to take care of it. I thought she wanted to eat it.

We coaxed the baby bunny into a safe place in the yard, right near one of the places where rabbits pop up out of the ground. Then we made the place even safer by putting a little fence around it. That fence is too small too stop dogs or anything from getting in. It must be a psychological barrier, but it works for me.

Later a normal-size rabbit was sitting inside the fence! And the next time we looked, there were even more baby bunnies wriggling around in the same place. Three or four of them. It was silly because the big rabbit looked like a stupid chicken hatching some eggs.

Apologies to William Carlos Williams

2006-04-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

THIS IS JUST TO SAY

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
.........................

My interpretation:

THIS IS JUST TO EXPLAIN

I have eaten
the cereal
that you left on
the table

and which
you were probably
going
to finish after you answered the phone

Forgive me
it was delicious
and you left the bowl where I could reach it
and it was getting soggy anyway

Silly rabbit

2006-04-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

Er, silly dog... Cadbury Creme Eggs are for people. Technically (according to Mom), Cadbury Creme Eggs are not fit for human consumption either.

IMPORTANT REMINDER: Chocolate is very bad for dogs. There's something called theobromine in chocolate. It can make us very very very sick. So keep chocolate away from dogs. It's dangerous!

Watch it, my sister will steal your jelly beans! You should have seen Mom chasing that dog around trying to keep the rabbit ears on and getting her to sit still long enough to pose for a picture.

Spring forward, time warp

2006-04-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Humans and clocks. Pathetic.

Remember last fall when they set the clocks back? I thought we would starve. Waiting an extra hour for dinner is a huge annoyance.

So, here's the weird part: I thought it would be great to get fed an hour early when they set the clocks forward last week for Daylight Savings Time, but Sister and I didn't even notice. We jumped around and made hungry faces at the usual time. Even though the clocks were changed, it didn't feel special. The humans were puzzled. They were all smug, thinking we'd be surprised to get served dinner "early." We didn't realize that the sun was setting later. So much for being rugged dogs who live by the sundial. The human goddess says we must be using "context clues" to tell time. Are we really that domesticated?

Apologies to Carl Sandburg

2006-04-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

FOG

The fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.
.........................

My interpretation:

DOG

The dog comes
on little dog feet.

He stands barking
over any conversation
until you feed him
and then he calms down.

(I admit, not my best work. Let's just say it's a metaphor for global hunger. Feed a dog, feed the whole world.)

I want to be a scientist!

2006-03-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

Toy.

Not toy.

...other important advice:
Repeat after me
Today's lesson
One more time

Cesar Millan's book

2006-03-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

It's coming soon.

Yay.

I guess he's pretty cool. You gotta respect someone who is strong and confident like that. When my humans watch him on his Dog Whisperer show, I always ignore him and pretend I'm sleeping. My sister stares at the tv like she thinks Cesar Millan is some kind of superhuman. It's creepy. Mom liked the episode about the two dachshunds, Chocolate and Cinnamon. One of the dachshunds is a crazy (but cute) fiend that terrorizes the humans and the other dog and tries to attack people and bite everyone. Cesar tells the people they should not let their dog be the boss of the house. They listen to his advice and he helps them fix the problem.

Is Cesar Millan as good as the lengendary Monks of New Skete?

Dog horoscopes

2006-03-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

DogHoroscopes.com has this to say about me:

You have intuitive powers, somewhat picky tastes, and are bold even to the point of being foolhardy. You have perseverance and through it overcome many difficulties. You are fond of outdoors and travel. Your adventurous nature seeks self-expression. Courageous, independent with quick responses, your adventurous streak may spur you to seek out unusual and exciting experiences. You are gentle, affectionate, fond of children and love your home and family. Remember you are meant to be happy!

Pretty darn accurate, except for the part about picky tastes.

Vocabulary list

2006-03-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

I should start keeping track of all the intelligent things I say.

Sometimes I say "Humboldt, a robber." This is probably the key to solving a serious crime. I guess I could call 911 and bark that phrase into the phone.

On occasion I will look at a human and say "You're horrible." Just to keep them honest, you know.

Today I said "waffle cone."