I have.

Maybe it’s my optimistic nature or my naivety or my unwavering hope in humanity, but I could look at a situation and see the value, potential, and redeeming qualities when people are proverbially adding fuel to the burning building.

Lately I’ve been involved with several conversations regarding the future of the Church and the future of women’s ministry. I’ve read the blogs and heard the gripes from both men and women, but I can’t help but see the future. A future filled with passionate, smart, educated women helping advance the gospel through more than just Bunko nights, tea parties, and CreativeMemories scrapping gatherings.

This comes on the heels of a conversation I had with my dear friend Lindsey after she attended a women’s ministry event with me. We’ve had numerous conversations about this topic, so her view isn’t new. She posted a comment on Twitter and garnished a number of legitimate responses.

Though pink table cloths and flower centerpieces still exists in older paradigm models of women’s ministry, does that take away from the power of this demographic within the church? If statistics are correct, the American Evangelical church is comprised of 61% female who are more likely to serve in ministry and more likely to tithe when compared to their male counterparts. So why all the hate?

Because something is missing.

The model for women’s ministry is very much based off the social circle founded in the conservative south. The growth of traditional women’s ministry advanced circa 1950 when young women were getting married and starting families before the age of 23. The ladies luncheons and bridge circles found in sororities and women’s clubs matriculated into the church as an alternative for those seeking community within the church.

The advance of women’s rights, liberation, and burning bras created a new woman with the choice to pursue education and a degree or pursue the option of homemaking [or both]. The social climate was changing, but the church remained stagnant, doing what they have always done to reach the same people in their homogenous culture.

Fast forward to 2012. Thankfully, most women aren’t burning their bras and most women shave their underarms. But the evolved woman within the city-center based church, no longer feels connected or in need of social circles or bridge games. The desire to partake in evangelism, leadership, and mobilization has grown to include seasoned women in their 60s, business professionals in their 50s, engaged mobilizers with resources in their 40s, passionate women in their 30s, relentless youth in their 20s, and even younger.

I’ve seen the power of women coming together for the common good and it’s beautiful. To love the broken. To feed the hungry. To believe in faith. To heal the hurting. To encourage the saints. Though the model may be slightly inept in the American church, do we throw the baby out with the bath water? Do we continue to separate ourselves from the place where we can find healing and wholeness and community?

I believe women’s ministry is an invaluable contribution to the American church if we move in the direction of:

• Recognizing different life stages. Not all women are married with preschoolers. Not all women are going through menopause. Not all women are in college. If we fail to adapt in meeting general rather than specific needs, we will continue to ostracize those outside of the 35-50, married with kids demographic.
•  Recognizing different availabilities and needs. Not all women can make a Tuesday morning bible study. Not all women like to pray. Not all women like to sew. Not every calendar and need can be met, but if you are leading a women’s group in a metropolis area with a vibrant night-life, don’t be surprised if women don’t come out to the Pink Hearts and Flowers Tea Party. What are some specific needs within the women in your community? Find what the need is and pursue it with a wide-end funnel to bring in those on the outside who don’t know how to engage on the inside.
• Recognizing the church’s values and vision. Women’s ministry is sometimes like the rogue renegade who does what it wants in the guise of mobilization. Many pastor’s I’ve spoken to complain that “meeting the need of women” is more important that the meeting the vision of the church. That’s not building the church, that’s bifurcating the church. Get in line with the mission, vision, and values of where you are serving.

*I haven’t been to a knitting circle, Bunko group, or CreativeMemories women’s event, but if the urban legends really exists, I’m sorry if you’ve ever had to attend something like that. 

I don’t love you anymore.
You have been diagnosed cancer.
Your father and I are getting divorced.
We lost the house.
I don’t love you anymore.
Dad, I’m pregnant.

In one sentence we are ripped from normality and find ourselves in a new world, as if pushed out of a moving car. We tumble into the world now unemployed. We are hurled into the land of singleness, the valley of grieving, the new vocabulary of chemotherapy, the graveyard shift and a low paying job.  We all know Romans says all things work for good, but right now? Right now things aren’t good and we are at a loss as to how to navigate the terrain.

I firmly believe the desert—the space where we feel lost or lonely or deeply hurt—is fertile ground for our spiritual transformation and for God’s grace to be revealed in magnificent ways. During the Desertology gathering, I have the distinct privilege of challenging God’s people to holiness, and while the desert is prime real estate for faith transformation, it is also the space where we can grow resentful, bitter, and angry if we are unguarded.

The wilderness where faith can thrive is the very desert where it can dry up and die if we are not watchful.

The gathering on June 1st and 2nd is not a how-to guide on locating the nearest exit, nor it is Operation Desert Freedom. I will not give career advice, man-management, or college letters of recommendation. I offer no advice on salvaging your marriage, managing your boss, or teaching you my amazing dance moves.

Instead, consider me your tour guide who will describe the call into the desert, the journey, and the Promise Land, so we can travel through it with greater skill and grace, arriving on the other side with a deeper, richer faith.

Though the desert is profoundly disorienting, it provides the space for God to do some of His deepest work in our lives. Our response to God while in the desert is what will determine whether our journey through this desert will result in deep, positive growth or spiritual decline. The habits we foster in our journey—our responses and reactions—will determine whether the desert results in spiritual life or spiritual death. In the words of Moses, choose life!

I firmly believe we shouldn’t travel the desert alone, so here’s your opportunity to invite your friends and your friend’s friends to join the journey! I’ve set up an event page on Facebook [I love Zuckerman and his online social genius!] that links out to the details so your friends can easily get more info.

This isn’t going to be a fancy women’s conference with smoke machines and rigged lighting [Lord knows I'd love that], nor is it a knitting circle with needles and yarn. It’s simply a place where we can come together on different places on our journey and celebrate the belief that there is a Promised Land to those who walk far enough.

Are you in the middle of the desert? Have you just entered into this empty terrain? Can you see the Promised Land? As I prepare and put together the curriculum, I could use your real-life honesty as to where you are at in this season of life.

This trip was time for me to reload, recalibrate, and reassess how and why I do what I do. In addition to eating great food, walking random streets, and not once using an alarm clock.

Life and family require daily discipline and commitment. However, there is a time specifically in ministry to retreat from battle per se and reload. If you’re not careful, you could be left on the front lines empty and alone.

This Friday and Saturday is RELOAD, an intimate gathering for leaders across the SoCal area. If you serve at a church and are looking for a local event specializing in ministering in urban environments, you definitely need to check out this event! The guys at Urban Youth Workers Institute saw a need to train and equip those serving the inner-city community and put together a two-day gathering to do just that.

Everything from the speaker lineup, to the music, to the after-party is done to pour into leaders and make sure they are reloaded as they head back out to battle. I’ll be speaking at a session on Saturday and would LOVE pass this event along to those who are looking for inexpensive and impactful ways to learn from a community of leaders.

For more information, check out the registration page HERE or visit the UYWI website to learn more about their organization, but here are the basics:

• May 18-19, 2012
• Azusa Pacific University
• $35 [includes main sessions, all learnshops, worship, after-party, and team-building experiences]

I love the diversity of voices that speak truth into the world. As we’ve been discussing relationships and dating this week, I think it’s important to have a different voice speak into this. I asked my friend Jared to write a blog from a pastoral perspective about relationships and what he sees within the next generation.

If you follow him on Twitter or check out his blog, you’ll discover he’s one bright guy. Stay connected with him for more info on really smart stuff!

The Tragedy of Relationships

“Describe for me what it feels like to be a 19-year old single girl in college,” I inquired of my interns.

“Most of the time people think that if you are single you are lonely or maybe something is wrong with you,” they explained. Their response was quite the opposite of the playboy lifestyle most guys assume singleness equates to.

We have a tragic story being written in our culture. It is a story that proclaims singleness is synonymous with loneliness. With movies like Friends With Benefits, Easy A, and Crazy Stupid Love, it is not hard to find the source of our flawed relationship expectations. Hollywood’s depiction of freedom in singleness implies that marriage is actually captivity. How does the bible respond to society’s beliefs?

I recently spoke to some single college-age students about this topic. We spent time looking at 1 Corinthians 7, which I encourage you to read because Paul makes an interesting case not for marriage or singleness, but for undivided devotion to God. Despite what you may believe, the Bible affirms our sexual nature because that is the way we were created. We cannot dismiss our sexual desires as wrong, but they must be put in their proper place. Love cannot exist within the sexual limitations defined by our culture.

My assumption is that most people still desire marriage. But we must learn to be single before we can be married.

Galatians 5 admonishes us to stand firm and experience the freedom that was achieved for us on the cross. The work for us is not to gain freedom, but to war against the constant allure of slavery. As history has proven, a slave cannot choose to no longer be a slave. For those of us struggling with addiction, have found ourselves in a painful relationship, or have built up unrealistic expectations for marriage, find a community that can help you embrace the freedom that is freely available.

The turning point in Paul’s letter to the Corinthians happens in verse 17, “each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has call them.” Single, married, dating, divorced, widowed – you are where God has assigned you and that is a place of freedom, not captivity!

Where are you buying into the lies of our culture regarding love and relationships?
Where have you placed too much pressure or unrealistic expectations on dating?
How are you seeking undivided devotion to God in the place you are now?

I truly believe that who you are as a Jesus-follower matters so much more than your relationship status. Are you willing to explore the possibility that sex, marriage, or relationships are not the point of your life? While those are good things, as followers of Jesus we are called to partner with the constant work of God in the world. And for us that must begin by rewriting the tragic story being written today.

@JaredKirkwood

Did you have any non-negotiable standards before you were married to your spouse? Like rules and boundaries that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend at the time agreed on and stood by until married? If so, can you share, and is there something called having TOO high of standards or unrealistic rules, boundaries, etc?

Fancy you should ask that, Yoline! Yes, I did have non-negotiables in dating. Everywhere I go I preach the same two points and I will share them here as well.

1. Does this man love Jesus? Even if he carries a ten-pound deacon bible and speaks Christianese, that is NOT a sign of his spiritual maturity! Does he have a passionate, real, authentic relationship with the creator of the universe and creator of my soul? If so, that’s 100 points.
2. Does this man have a job? Oh child, you make shake your head at me and think I’m a gold digger, but put your Kayne lyrics to bed! I ain’t a gold digger, I’m a smart woman who doesn’t need a mink coat and Louis Vuitton, but I do need a bed and roof over my head. The last thing we need is more women dating boys who refuse to grow up and live at home with their mom and her 85 cats.

These are generalities and there are loops holes even in these requirements, but seriously, we should at least have these standards. I had personal preferences like teeth and height, but to each their own! Maybe you don’t mind a snaggle-toothed brother… maybe you don’t mind a bow-legged sister… maybe you don’t mind if he doesn’t speak English… to each their own!

As far as standards that are too high, yes I believe that women and men have preconceived notions of what their mate will possess. I swore I was never, ever marry someone who was divorced. Hand-to-heaven, I wouldn’t even consider a guy who had children. Lo and behold, God laughed at my plans because I fell in love with a man was a divorcee and father. Go figure.

But even on larger scales, I think women expect their men have the looks of a young, ruddy King David, the wisdom of Solomon, the knowledge of Paul and the swag of Timothy [or the looks of Beckham, the wisdom of Stephan Colbert, the knowledge of Bill Nye the Science Guy, and the swag of Kanye]. The truth is we are broken and try desperately to hide our imperfections from potential suitors. The more we expose them, the sooner we’ll discover who really will accept us for us. 

Matt’s number one complaint in our marriage is that I’m always trying to change him, correct him, and yes, even dress him [the man loves his t-shirts?!]. One day he told me that he wished I loved him for the man I married, not the man I wanted him to become. The weight of that statement crushed me… because it was true.

Whether it’s spiritual expectations, financial expectations, emotional expectations, we need to be realistic in our pursuit of a partner. Should we settle for the jobless man-boy living in his mother’s basement? No. Should we be open to a God-loving man who is in desperate pursuit of bettering himself? Absolutely.

I’m open to disagreements. I know my view is simply that: my view. For added tidbits or corrections, feel free to state your opinion.

PS Kayfabe, I LOVE your single-man perspective. Thank you for joining the conversation as the lone male representative along with Issac Scott!

My friend Jared from church was teaching during the Sunday night dating, sex, love series entitled, Naked Truth, and needed someone to share their testimony or story about being single and surviving. To my [non]surprise, he couldn’t find anyone to talk about the subject with authority. [I mean really, who wants to get labeled the 40 year-old virgin and stand in front of 500 people admitting they are waiting for God's best?]

That’s where I come in!

So I’m married and obviously not single anymore. However, for 30 years I survived sans a wedding ring or a life partner. After my dysfunctional three-year dating relationship with Satan ended, I realized I need to make some healthy changes moving forward. I could get bitter or I could get better.

Around the age of 25 when most Hispanic women are already married off with children, I was in graduate school. I was serving in full-time ministry in an unpaid position in youth ministry, when most people were encouraging me to find a singles group. And I was consciously aware that I could end up a BitterBetty because most single women I spoke to complained incessantly about the lack of spiritual leaders in the church.

I had to decision to make.

1. I could sit on my spiritual laurels and wish, hope, and pray for Prince Charming to read me Songs of Solomon and refer to me as bone of my bone.
2. I could put my head down, do some work, and keep my eyes open for a Godly man who is doing the same.

Some of the best memories and moments in life were not on the arm of a man, but reaching for the hand of the One hand who knew me far greater than anyone else. Of course looking back on my singleness is easier than being in it, but I will say perspective changed my attitude.

Contrary to popular belief, there are worse things than not being married. Like being married to the wrong person. Or having a sixth toe. Both are tragic.

For those who are married or in dating relationships, here are some things you can do to be supportive in all seasons:

• If someone tells you they just broke up or are single, don’t wince, sigh, and say, I’ll pray for you. They don’t have a terminal disease, for crying out loud?! Instead, open your house or your calendar to make time to spend with them.
• ThreeDogNight said it best, One is the loneliness number that you’ll ever hear. If you have a single friend, be available. I know, I know, it’s hard to make time. But do it.
• If you’re single, mingle. Don’t be a hermit or spend another night watching FRIENDS with Ben and Jerry. Get out! Meet people! Have fun! Use exclamation marks!
• If you’re single, maybe it’s for a reason. Are your expectations too high? Are you mean? Are you bitter? Do you smell? Ask a married friend to be honest with you and trust them to tell you where you need to change. [Yes, ask a married person. If you ask your single friend if your expectations are too high and she says no, maybe that's why you're both single. Jasmine always kept it real with me, You're single because you cRaZy!]

That’s my two cents for what it’s worth. If you’re single, what’s you reason? If you’re married, what advice can you give to those in a party of one?

Nothing says love like rolling over and being warmed by a charging computer, right? I kid, I kid. But I have become quite fond of my laptop and I need to let it go. No more work, emails, or stalking people on Facebook, I’m going to let go and have fun on the streets of Barcelona.

I’ve asked a few friends to help me discuss dating, singleness, and love while I’m on vacation so there will be an interesting series going on in these here parts. Stay tuned!

Until then, I shall unplug and be on vacation with my lifelong boyfriend. Adios, amigos!

The conversation was brief, but one brief conversation with a brilliant man is all you need to change how you think.

It went a little something like…

Me: I want to do [______________] and I can’t.

Him: What’s stopping you from doing it?

Me: I don’t know. I can’t explain it…

Him: I don’t know you well, but I can tell you know what it is. And I’m pushing you to articulate what’s holding you back.

Me: Okay, okay. I’m… I’m so… fearful.

Him: You’re fearful of being fearful?

To read the full post, check out Lindsey’s blog and share the love. She’s doing a series on fear and what it does cripple our dreams. Happy Thursday!

I remember camping in Joshua Tree Desert for our science class my Sophomore year of high school. One night I quietly unzipped my tent and walked across the cool, desert sand barefooted. I walked apprehensively away from the campfire and stood under the canopy of stars illuminated in the dark night sky.

In that moment I was completely alone. There were no voices to distract me. There were no lights to direct me. There were no roads to lead me. I held my hand far out in front of me, but in the darkness of night I couldn’t even see the palm of my hand. It was scary and invigorating and frighteningly alone… but I survived.

I wanted to hear something—anything—but the eerie silence was deafening. I called out a word to see if I could hear my own voice but it fell flat with nothing for my echo to bounce off. There, in the middle of the desert, I was alone.

***

As I stared at the graphics, something didn’t feel right. The colors were cool, the theme engaging, the graphics completed… but something was off. I wanted a sign or a light or a voice to tell me which way to go and assure me I wasn’t alone.

But I was alone. In that moment I needed an echo, a path, or a light, but it felt like the desert; alone and silent.

As we have been laying out the summer series and praying for vision, the only thing I know is that nothing in my life right now is polished or perfect or clear. If I’m being completely honest with you, I feel like I’m Joshua Tree all over again, silent and a little bit scared.

I emailed the graphic designer and begged her not to hate me, but I couldn’t approve the graphics. In fact, I couldn’t approve any of the graphics. We needed to start over again from the beginning. But this time, I needed to be true to myself.

Instead of trying to lead a group of women with colorful graphics, positive branding, and ShinyNewCool ideas, I need to lead the only way I know how: authentically real and optimistically hopeful.

So after scrapping the entire theme and branding for the summer series, we officially decided on the topic and vision for the event and I’m SO EXCITED to get down and dirty on something no one likes to talk about: the empty, barren, and dry seasons of life.

Desertology will be a two-day event held at CCM from June 1st to June 2nd. This year I’m so excited to have Bryan and Katie Torwalt from Jesus Culture fly down to Los Angeles to lead us in an amazing time of worship. For more information about them or to stalk them on Facebook, check out their page! In addition to the killer worship, DJ Bobbito The Chef will be spinning his music to welcome us each day. Think of it as a desert party!

Details:

• Friday, June 1st-Saturday, June 2nd, Calvary Chapel Montebello
• Cost: $25 (main sessions, breakout session, worship, music, lunch on Saturday)
• If you’re from out of town and would like to attend, please call (323) 724-8464 to mail in your payment [there will be no sign-ups at the door]
• If you’re from out of town [or just want to get away with some friends] and would like a hotel recommendation, check out DoubleTree Commerce (3.2 miles from venue) or DoubleTree Rosemead (5.2 miles from venue).

If you have any questions or need information, feel free to drop a line! Hope to see you in JUNE!

A couple years ago, I had heaps of questions in how to interact and traverse the ministry path as a female. I wish I would’ve had resources like this around to help me answer some of life’s biggest questions. Or at least questions for a 20Something serving in ministry.

Click here to enjoy!

Do you have questions or comments for myself or Christine? Feel free to ask and we will try to address them readily!