Sometimes I write too-long emails. Before I hit send, it occasionally occurs to me that if I got an email that long I would probably dread reading it. But there are times when a long email is necessary. For example, sometimes you need to tell a company every detail of how awful your experience with their product was before you ask for a refund. Or you need to explain to your boss how much money and resources your company is wasting by not recycling before you pitch your idea to help the environment and the bottom line.

If they can only get through my first nine paragraphs, they'll get to the part where where you explain why you're writing.

When I find myself in this situation, I sometimes start the email with the heading: "Short Version:" and then a brief abstract. I give more detail than I could in the subject line, but I still keep it to just a few sentences. I say why I'm writing and what I want from the person I'm writing to.

The I write "Long Version:" and fill in all the gory details in as many paragraphs as I need.

For example, my subject line might say: "I had a terrible time at your hotel."

The abstract might say: "I stayed at your hotel from January 3-7, 2010 in room 227. It was one awful day after another, the room was filthy, and I think the maid stole my watch. I would like a refund. More details below."

And then the body would give my long tale of woe about how everything went wrong from the moment I arrived to the moment I checked out. I don't have to worry that I buried the lede in the last paragraph.

Which gets me to my point: As the occasional recipient of rambling emails, I think this feature should be automatic in email programs. It could be a sometimes-hidden field like the bcc: field is in many email programs, or perhaps a popup abstract field could be triggered when you hit "Send" on an email beyond a certain length. It's probably too late to make a new field standard in all email, but maybe Google can put it in their Gmail Labs for people like me.

I recently found copies of manuals for the Franklin Ace 1000 and its predecessor the Ace 100. They were similar computers, so the manuals share a lot of content in common. Both are pretty incredible.

For example, the manual for the Franklin Ace 100 begins with about 40 pages of computer basics (What are they? What can they do? etc). And then, on page 40, two thirds of the way down the page, there is a chapter heading called "The Ancestral Territorial Imperatives of the Trumpeter Swan." Here's how the chapter begins:

I like how low-tech the manual is. The whole thing is done in a Courier typeface, with chapter headings in all-caps. Here's how the same chapter heading appeared in the manual for the later Franklin Ace 1000:

You can see that this manual is more designed. There are friendlier fonts. There are cute cartoons of Benjamin Franklin throughout. But some of the written humor is lost. Gone is the reference to a "disgustingly cute phrase." The chapter heading is cushioned with "A good title for this section might be..." This version of the joke is a bit too on-the-nose for me.

But the Ace 1000 manual isn't just a watered down version of the Ace 100 manual. It has its own jokes, including several humorous glossary entries. For example, the first chapter of the manual lists things you can do with a computer, including "get a list of recommendations for wines to serve with Terrine Maison." In the glossary, you'll find Terrine Maison helpfully defined between entries for source and utility program:

Reading through the Ace 100 manual, I came across a section so shocking that I can't imagine a modern computer company even considering putting it in a manual. In this section, you are advised to circumvent copy protection to make personal backups of programs you lawfully purchased:

And it still hasn't happened.

The Ace 100 manual goes on to describe three categories of crooks in the computer world. The first category is "Them," the computer salespeople who overhype their products with advertising gimmicks. The second category is "You." Franklin isn't actually calling you a crook, but they say that software manufacturers will treat you like one:

The last category of crooks is "US":

Well they weren't, technically, until the court ruling.

Most of the "Crooks" section is omitted from the Ace 1000 manual. A condensed version still appears in the section about copy protection.

Both manuals make 80s pop culture references, explaining the concept of computer programs by comparing them to TV programs like Hill Street Blues, The Dukes of Hazzard, or Live at the Met with Itzhak Perlman (who the glossary helpfully defines as "a violinist"). Former Good Morning America host David Hartman is described as "nothing but reconfigured electronic signals [you watch] over coffee in the morning."

In both manuals, the author tries to explain what kinds of programs are useful and which to stay away from. He states that "the sole purpose of many of these wonders in programming is to separate you from your money." And then he gives this warning:

This strikes me as a reference to Damon Runyon, whose stories of 1930s New York hustlers were the basis for the Broadway musical Guys and Dolls. Damon Runyon wrote, "One of these days in your travels, a guy is going to come up to you and show you a nice brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken, and this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the Jack of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, do not bet this man, for as sure as you are standing there, you are going to end up with an earful of cider."

I wondered what other inside jokes the manual has that I wouldn't know about. The manuals are uncredited, but I figured out that they were written by a guy named Sal Manetta, who later went on to work for Unisys and Intel. He is now retired. I couldn't reach him, but I did get hold of Bob Applegate, a programmer who was at Franklin at the time.

Bob wrote:

We hired this tech writer guy who knew nothing about personal computers named Sal Manetta. He was the manager of the Publication group. Sal hired a funky artist [Frank someone-or-other] who did most of the drawings of Ben Franklin in the user manual. Sal was supposed to learn about computers like an average person back then, such as reading magazines, talking to salesmen at stores, etc. Sometimes Dave and I would head over to a local place where I used to work (where Franklin discovered me), would "introduce" ourselves to Sal and give him advice on buying his first computer, much to the annoyance of the sales staff there. Sal would get back to the office and tell us what the sales folks said about us once Dave and I left :)

Bob mentioned that many of the cartoons are based on real events and people Sal encountered at Franklin. Here are some of the cartoons along with Bob's comments:

"Engineering was in a long, narrow building with no windows, nicknamed 'the cave'. Sal was never exposed to engineers before Franklin, and we sometimes overwhelmed him. He often said 'Abandon hope all ye who enter' to people on their first visit to our building."

"Look for the one of the boy soldering with an evil looking computer... that's me... I wore Converse sneakers to work back then; look at the star on the side of his sneaker."

"The computer salesman speaking BASIC code was my old boss at a local computer store."

"The guy smoking a cigarette and dumping ashes onto the computer is a repair guy from the same local store."

And where did the trumpeter swans come from?

"The 'Territorial Imperatives of the Trumpeter Swan' was also real. Resumes came pouring into Franklin, and we'd all look through them. One guy had written a research paper with that crazy title, and we all thought it was pretty interesting. So, Sal worked it into the manual as a chapter title."

After Franklin lost their lawsuit with Apple, they continued to sell computers that were similar to Apple's, but without any infringing code. I found the manual for one of those computers, the Franklin Ace 500. Sadly, there is nothing creative to be found within. It reads like stereo instructions. I was disappointed to see there's even a chapter with the disgustingly cute name "Getting Started."

Want to read the manuals in full? Here they are:

Franklin Ace 100 (PDF) - via
Franklin Ace 1000 (PDF) - via
Franklin Ace 500 (PDF) - via

That last "via" link also has the original Apple II manuals, for comparison.

How often do you sit in your chair? Four or five times a day? More? With a 1 in 3,000 chance of falling, you might fall once in a year or two. That's not too bad. But you'll be on edge the whole time. Will today be the day? Could be!

How does it work? I haven't gotten that far. I imagine some combination of engineering and programming. But once that's figured out, you can go through every workday with the same nervous excitement as a secret agent wondering if today's the day his nemesis will finally catch up to him. But with far more mundane consequences.

For maximum effect, get one for everyone in your office. Now you've got 50 people each with a 1 in 3,000 chance of falling every time they sit. If everyone sits 5 times a day, the odds are that someone will fall once every few weeks. That's just often enough to give everyone else in the office a hearty laugh, and remind them that they could be next.

1) A sitcom about a ghost and a zombie... of the same guy.

In the pilot episode, Joe's roommate Ted has a terrible accident and dies. He's buried in the old cemetery by the town's nuclear plant. A few days later Ted's ghost comes home, much to Joe's surprise. Later that day, Ted's zombie corpse shows up to. How will the three of them get along, with all the problems inherent to being a zombie, a ghost, and a single twenty-something grad school student, in an apartment that was just large enough for two people? Hilariously.

I only have one line written so far: "Hey! The brain in the fridge was for biology class!"

Has there ever been a story about a ghost and zombie of the same person before? Does that violate the rules of undead characters in fiction?

2) A map of Earth inverted.

What would Earth look like if it were inverted? The lowest valleys become the highest peaks and vice versa. Where would the lakes and oceans be? How high would the highest mountain be? And what would the new land masses, trade routes, and waterways suggest for an alternate history on this inverted Earth?

3) Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece" reimagined as a pie chart.

I thought this idea had potential as something, but it never went anywhere.

4) Twitter as a simulation of OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder sometimes manifests itself as a need to count words and letters. Some people who suffer from OCD need to make their sentences end on a certain word count. I've never been this way. But one day as I was having a hard time recomposing a Twitter message to make sure it fits within the 140-character limit, it occurred to me that this may somehow be similar to the frustration a person with OCD feels.

What do OCD sufferers who need to count letters think of Twitter? Does their OCD make it more frustrating? Or is it no more frustrating than any other task? Is there anyone out there whose particular manifestation of OCD already means that they have to write in 140 characters or less?

5) A mashup of "Back to the Future" and "Speed"

"You built a Time Machine? Out of a city bus?"

It seemed like a good idea until the Libyans rigged the bus with explosives to get back at Doc for stealing their plutonium. Now if it goes below 55 MPH, the bus explodes. But if it goes over 88 MPH, it travels through time.

6) A tribute to Bib Fortuna, set to the song "O Fortuna"

I don't really have any interest in doing this. I just like the idea of it.

And here's Carrie Fisher in Princess Leia costume for comparison:

Previously seen: R2-D2, AT-AT Walkers, the Death Star, more.

Not knowing her plans for the photos, and having no direction for what to shoot, I thought about the experience she would have picking up the mystery photos from the lab and seeing them for the first time. I wanted to take photos that would make her anticipation worthwhile.

These are the photos I took (click any photo to enlarge):

I'm very excited to announce that the Bulbdial Clock I envisioned almost two years ago is now available in time for the holiday season!

The geniuses at the Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories have done all the hard work to make the Bulbdial Clock available as a kit that you can put together yourself with just basic soldering skills*, or give to a loved one for the holidays. Check out their blog for an article about the kit, showcasing some of its features.

Then head on over to the ordering page for information on availability, styles, accessories, and prices. Here are some of the other styles:

*If you're not sure you have basic soldering skills, visit this page to learn what tools and knowledge are recommended for assembling this type of kit. There are a few YouTube videos you might find helpful, too. This one covers basic soldering technique, and this short clip demonstrates soldering a component to a printed circuit board like the Bulbdial Clock.

The gallery features nine of the 25 inventors I've photographed so far as part of an ongoing personal project.

Whenever a new Tim Burton movie comes out, I marvel at the caliber and range of actors he's worked with. So inspired in part by the upcoming Tim Burton retrospective that opens at MOMA in a couple weeks, I decided to compile a list. Here are 94 notable people that you might have forgotten were in movies directed by Tim Burton*:

Christina Applegate Alan Arkin Patricia Arquette Alec Baldwin Kim Basinger Annette Bening Milton Berle Valerie Bertinelli Jack Black James Brolin Pierce Brosnan Jim Brown Steve Buscemi Robert Carradine Helena Bonham Carter Max Casella Dick Cavett Glenn Close Sacha Baron Cohen Sofia Coppola Marion Cotillard Billy Crudup Miley Cyrus Elizabeth Daily Geena Davis Johnny Depp Danny DeVito Vincent D'Onofrio Michael Clarke Duncan Shelley Duvall Morgan Fairchild Albert Finney Michael J. Fox Stephen Fry Paul Giamatti Crispin Glover Robert Goulet Pam Grier Robert Guillaume Lukas Haas Anthony Michael Hall Jerry Hall Phil Hartman Anne Hathaway Freddy Highmore Jan Hooks James Earl Jones

Jeffrey Jones Tom Jones Michael Keaton David Kelly Kris Kristofferson Maurice LaMarche Martin Landau Jessica Lange Christopher Lee Lisa Marie Ian McDiarmid Ewan McGregor Bill Murray Jack Nicholson Leonard Nimoy Catherine O'Hara Barret Oliver Jack Palance Sarah Jessica Parker Cassandra Peterson Michelle Pfeiffer Natalie Portman Vincent Price Missy Pyle Paul Reubens Miranda Richardson Alan Rickman Christina Ricci Tim Roth Deep Roy Winona Ryder Glenn Shadix Martin Short Sylvia Sidney Dee Snider George 'The Animal' Steele Rod Steiger Daniel Stern Tracey Ullman Mark Wahlberg Loudon Wainwright III Christopher Walken Mia Wasikowska Emily Watson Dianne Wiest Billy Dee Williams Robert Wuhl

*For the purpose of this blog entry, I also include the actors from Tim Burton's short film Frankenweenie, plus the "Aladdin" episode of Faerie Tale Theater that he directed.

At an Italian restaurant, Larry, Cheryl, Jeff, and Susie are finishing a meal. Susie announces she needs to use the restroom. "Me, too," says Larry. "I'll walk with you.

"What a gentleman," Susie says, in an uncharacteristically good mood. They walk to the restroom, which is in a part of the restaurant where they can't see their table. Larry comments on what a nice meal it was. Susie agrees.

They part ways, each entering their respective gender's bathroom.

Minutes later, after doing what he went in to do, Larry emerges from the men's room. He stands idly for a moment, looks at the door to the lady's room, and then returns to the dinner table. He has a seat and rejoins Cheryl and Jeff in their conversation.

A few minutes later, Susie comes back to the table. She is upset. "Larry! Where were you?"

"What do you mean?" Larry asks.

"I was waiting for you to come out of the bathroom. Why did you come back without me?"

"Why did you wait for me? We didn't have any sort of agreement. There was no 'I'll meet you back here so we can walk back to the table together' agreement."

"It's common decency, Larry. Everybody knows. In the absence of an agreement to meet back at the table, you always wait outside the bathroom for the other person."

"No. In the absense of an agreement, the default is that you just return to the table. There is no expectation of waiting outside the bathroom for the other person."

An argument ensues, with hilarious consequences.

This got me thinking: What would a forensic reconstructionist make of some famous skulls of fiction? There are characters in film, television, and video games who we've only ever seen as talking skulls. Surely they couldn't have grown to adult size without once being flesh and blood, right? So what did they look like?

To answer the question, I've enlisted the help of an amateur forensic reconstructionist (okay, it was my wife, who never did any forensic reconstruction before but can draw better than I can). Provided with three images of fictional skulls, here are the results:

1. Skeletor

2. Manuel Calavera

3. Jack Skellington

The top one is Arial. If you know what to look for, it probably jumped right out at you. If not, you may see that they're different but still not know which is which.

To test your skills, and help you learn to recognize Arial vs Helvetica, I've taken 20 Helvetica logos and redone them in Arial. (Blasphemy!) A lot of them are just plain awful in Arial. But a couple of them are actually tough to tell apart.

Take the quiz here!

You'll get half of them right by just randomly guessing, but if you don't do much better than that, here are some good resources for you to check out that will teach you the differences between Arial and Helvetica:

Link: How to Spot Arial

Link: Arial and Helvetica overlayed

Link: The Scourge of Arial

Related: The Mr. T Virtual Playset

1) I call this one "The Rat."

2) I call this one "Looks More Like A Rabbit Nose."

3) I call this one "If Mickey and Goofy Had a Child."

All of these were sold as mouse noses, even though the second one is awfully rabbit-like (and oddly asymmetrical). The third one is nice because it has whiskers, but the whiskers curl in weird directions. I bought two of them, and they both had whisker issues.

All of them have teeth, which looks nice except for when the person wearing the nose smiles, showing his or her own teeth. Then it looks like the person has two rows of teeth. It's unsettling.

You can see that the string placement varies from one design to another. Mouse Nose #1 has string attached towards the top. This means that on many head types, the string will be at the bridge of your nose, and will need to practically run across your eyes in order to go over your ears. Mouse Nose #3 does not have this issue. Mouse Nose #2 is somewhere in between, and might be fine if it didn't look so much like a rabbit.

Previously: Idea: Breed a "Mickey" Mouse

Last week, Jerry O'Connell was on Martha Stewart's TV show. You might remember Jerry as a young actor in such 80s hits as Stand By Me and that early FOX CTV show My Secret Identity. She showed him how to make a wood bunny lamp for Jerry's new twins' nursery. They sawed, drilled, hammered, glued, and assembled the lamp, just like shop class.

I landed on the show while flipping through the channels and it caught my eye because I suddenly realized that the 80s actor I really want to see make a lamp on Martha's show is Anthony Michael Hall. Martha can show him how to finally make an elephant lamp with a light that turns on when you pull the trunk. Who do I need to talk to for this to happen? Do I need to start a petition? Does it need to coincide with something for him to promote? The eventual Breakfast Club release on Blu-Ray, perhaps (whenever that happens)? What would be a better promotional event than this one?

2010 is the Breakfast Club's 25th anniversary. How can we make this happen?

Previously: The Breakfast Cereal Club