I Ruin The Ending For you

Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 19:05:00 +0000

I am a huge fan of the first Wall Street installment so I was pretty excited when I seen this come out. I guess I thought I would get more vintage Gordon Gekko, Bud Fox and his busted high priced girlfriend. Turns out it's another two decades late sequel with that clown Shaia LeBeouf front and center. I thought Michael Douglas, Josh Brolin and a soundtrack by David Byrne could save it but it's not enough.

The story takes place in 2008 whilst investors were getting fucked out of their money in ways I will never fully understand. It involves all the buzzwords... toxic loans, credit default swaps, etc. The whole story was forced to fit the events of 2008... and I mean forced. I don't want to get too far into it because the movie isn't really worth talking about but in the end...

Gordon Gekko develops enough of a conscience to invest $100 mil that he stole from his daughter and her wall street exec boyfriend(LeBeouf)in a renewable energy company that the boyfriend was trying to attract investors to the whole movie. This delights the daughter who is pregnant. The plot also involves Josh Brolin's character who, as far as I can gather, is making money off the failure of his own company. In the end Shaia LeBeouf writes a piece for his girlfriends homegrown liberal website exposing him and putting him on the hot seat with the SEC. This delights Gordon Gekko. These common victories unite the three in the end and they all seemingly reconcile any differences they may have had with each other.

Back to the Future Trilogy

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 14:23:00 +0000

I'm going to see if I can break this trilogy down to its bare essentials. The problem was that the sound on my television was going in and out but I believe I got the gist of it.

Back to the Future I

A young man plans to have sex with his girlfriend at a lake until he realizes his parents wrecked the car, preventing him from taking that trip. He takes a series of time warps through alternate universes. Arriving back in his own time, he is presented with a brand new car from his seemingly body snatched parents. Just as the plan to have sex with his girlfriend by the lake seems to be back on track they are abducted by an aging scientist in an apparent power play to steal the girlfriend and have sex with her...somewhere in time!

Back to the Future II

The scientist and the young man take the girl to the future where the scientist gives the girl a roofie. Just as the scientist is about to have sex with her in an alley he is distracted by the young man and what is later revealed to be a porno magazine. While they quarrel over the magazine the girl is taken into custody of the police. After a series of time warps the young man arrives back in his own time with the girl and after an avoided road rage incident he presumably has sex with the girl by the lake as originally planned.

Back to the Future III

The final film shifts focus to the scientist who goes back in time to satisfy his penchant for unkempt vagina.

Frozen

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 18:07:00 +0000

Two guys, one girl. Two of them sexually involved the other an apparent masturbator. They go skiing and bribe the chairlift operator to let them take one last trip down the mountain. Some poor communication between employees leaves the trio stranded on their way up the mountain after the resort closes for the week. They get desperate and the boyfriend jumps from the chairlift. His legs endure double compound fractures and are left splayed out beside him.

And out come the wolves... no doubt attracted by his grotesque injury. They devour him.

The remaining two skiers cycle between encouraging each other to hang in there, tears and the blame game for what seems like forever. Finally, the other makes it down and takes off to get help but is chased by wolves and killed. Another day later the chairlift breaks dropping the girl onto the mountain and breaking her leg... reinforcing the already huge settlement she is bound to get. She crawls down the mountain, eludes the wolves and is picked up by a good samaritin.

Movie is basically Open Water on mountain. You can watch it on fast forward, you won't miss anything important in the dialogue. I didn't give a fuck about the characters.

St. Elmo's Fire

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 16:55:00 +0000

I had put off seeing this for about twenty-five years but I had an idle two hours to watch this past weekend. This is a story of college friends trying to transition into the real world post-college and for some odd reason have an extremely difficult time doing so. The tale is punctuated by chain smoking, excessive hard liquor consumption, cocaine, wild saxophone solos and many sexual miscues. In the end their friendships come full circle and leave them a little wiser for the wear. I didn't identify with any of these characters or their dilemmas.

Home Alone

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 14:40:00 +0000

A young boy copes with the loss of his family at Christmas in a late 1900's Chicago suburb.

Gran Torino

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:53:00 +0000

Clint gets gunned down by the gang. He doesn't even have a gun like you think. This movie was bad.

My Bloody Valentine

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:12:00 +0000

Sadly, the dvd edition of this one only comes in standard 2-D. I don't feel like I missed too much, though, by not getting the 3D effect that accompanied the film's theatrical release.

Let's get down to it. The absolute best part of the movie comes within the first ten minutes when one of the actors compared something to an 'over the pants hardjob,' one of my absolute favorite sayings. I'm so happy to hear it's made the big leap to Hollywood films scripts. I laughed to myself for about two days afterward.

So anyway, the killer is actually the guy Tom...the one you suspect from the very beginning. Yep, he's been away, mysteriously, for ten years. HE WAS IN THE LOONY BIN. and he suffers from split personality disorder, his other personality being the pick-ax weilding killer rampaging the town. At the end he gets away. Fini.

Horror Double Feature: Mirrors / 13 Hours In A Warehouse

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:48:00 +0000

Mirrors

Keifer Sutherland is an ex-cop recently tossed out by his wife for what I can only assume is less than couth behavior, although, his wife does seem like an uptight twat. Anyhow, he gets a job working at an abandoned department store as a night security guard. He quickly becomes obsessed with the pristine mirrors that line the walls of the department store. He finds that the mirrors are haunted and can inflict some paranormal pain on him. Problem is that the entity is not quarantined to the mirrors of the department store. He brings the hauntings home to his family like a bad case of gonorrhea. Long story short, he finds out that the mirror ghost is a demon that was trapped in there. A young possessed girl had the demon cast out during therapy at a mental asylum that previously existed on the site of the condemned department store. He tracks down the girl who is now a geriatric aged nun, and forces her into the department store to confront the demon that has once possessed her. Lots of explosions happen and when you think Keifer Sutherland is the winner you realize that he is now trapped inside the mirror. All in all not a bad film. Too bad I can't say the same for...

13 Hours In a Warehouse

This was a Red Box impulse rental I picked up after grabbing some items at the grocery store to make souvlaki. Never heard of it and wish I would have left it right there in that Red Box where I found it. It was about five guys that just robbed an art gallery and are hiding out in a warehouse til morning for the buyer of the painting. Sound familliar? Movie is a Reservoir Dogs rip off with a horror spin to it. Acting is trashcans... I kept waiting for a soft core porn film to break out. The script tried to be fresh with those Quentin Tarantino style diatribes that just came off super annoying. The "ghosts" in this movie were like odd digital overlays that were probably done with some effects on iMovie. I hung in for an hour but didn't make it. I don't know what happened and I don't give a fuck. Maybe Nice Guy Eddie shows up or something. F minus on every aspect of this piece of shit.

Valkyrie

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 14:55:00 +0000

Call the Gestapo, everyone involved with this film should be arrested mach schnell. I don't even know where to start. I think they were fucked from the jump casting Tom Cruise. Then whoever in charge must have told Tom Cruise not to immerse himself in the role or even bother trying to develop any kind of German accent. Not to mention, I detected everything from Australian to British accents from the other actors playing German characters. Maybe I was spoiled by the authenticity of the masterpiece film called Downfall, but I don't think so. This film was totally mailed in.

On to the ruin... Colonel von Stauffenberg (Tom Cruise) and a bunch of other high ranking Nazis and politicians try to pull a coup on Hitler and the SS. They attempt to assassinate Hitler and invoke the emergency "Valkyrie" plan to seize control of Germany and attempt to end the war. Unfortunately, they botch the plan, get their dicks caught in the door and get offed. True story.

Two-fer Tuesday - Twilight and Sex and the City

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 23:26:00 +0000

I internally debated for quite some time on whether or not to write ruins for these films, but then came to a solid conclusion - if the tastes of the readers of this here blog are anything like those of our editor, then they won't willingly touch either one of these movies with a 10-foot pole. So onto their respective coup de grace!

Edward is a vampire. Bella doesn't give a shit. They decide to be bf/gf. He won't make her an undead gf, much to her dismay. She survives an attack from an evil tracker vampire, and all is good in the mythical hood.

Big is a vampire. Carrie doesn't give a shit. They decide to be husband and wife. He won't make her his wife at the last minute, much to her dismay. She survies an attack from being stood up at the altar. Then a year or so goes by, and they really do tie the knot, really freals. Also, Samantha and Smith split for good, Miranda and Steve separate but then reunite, and Charlotte gets preggers. Good luck to her with making sure that the little girl she adopted from China a few years earlier never feels slighted or too different growing up. Confidential to Charlotte: we're watching you, and hope you're prepared for the second mortgage you'll need to take out in order to pay for Lily's therapy . Oh wait. You're both fictional.

PS We find out at the end of the movie that Big's real name is John Preston. Just sayin.

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:39:00 +0000

I'm not going to pretend like I didn't have beef with this one. First of all, what the hell is up with Simon Pegg acting like the poor man's Ricky Gervais? It is absolutely unnecessary, as SP already had his own brand of endearing putzitude™ which we've all come to know and love. Secondly, Jeff Bridges, a.k.a. The Dude (DUH) looks really, really old. I fully understand there is nothing that can be done about this, save extensive plastic surgery, and neither The Dude nor the makers of this film have any control over the matter, again, save extensive plastic surgery*. Nonetheless, it made me sad. So sad that I immediately dug into a bag of lard-fried kettle chips and a delicious bottle of riesling while I watched, and didn't look back.

Soooo, this movie is about the cut-throat world of entertainment publications blah blah blah. Kirsten Dunst plays the love interest. Didn't she go to rehab for weed? Who does that?! Oh right, rich people. And then there's Gillian Anderson playing a magazine maven, who, might I add, also looks quite aged! What gives?? She looked fresh as a daisy in The X Files: I Want to Believe. I guess I'll just have to suppose that being a shrewd and cunning business person will do that, and get over it.

At one point, I noticed that the lead douchebag character is played by the actor who portrayed the lead vampire in 30 Days of Night. I was kinda proud of myself for a hot second, and then realized that no one gives a shit and proceeded to open another bottle of wine.

I should come clean now and admit that I didn't make it to the end of the movie. Or not while entirely sober, anyway. But I'm pretty sure that it's safe to say that Simon and Weedhab end up together, and that El Duderino comes through as a big teddybear of a nice guy.

*We at IRTEFY find this icky.

Guest Ruin - 13: Game of Death

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:18:00 +0000

Welcome to Saw, Thai style.

13: Game of Death is about a down on his luck salesmen and all around pussy.

Chit, as he is affectionately called, has just lost his car to repossession,
his girlfriend to some oriental greaser, and his job due to slumping sales.
Upon losing his job he receives a strange call on his cell phone informing him
that he has just been selected to be a contestant on a secret game show called 13.
His objective, to complete 13 challenges as directed without telling anyone
that he is playing the game. His prize, 100 million Thai Baht which works out to
roughly 3 million American Dollars. Not bad scrilla for a day's work, even when
the current exchange rate is taken into account.

Chit accepts the offer and begins a series of tasks. First task, kill a fly.
Second task, eat it. This immediately draws the curiosity of a female friend,
ex co-worker and computer nerd Tawng who Chit may or may not want
to throw his cock into. From there the challenges start to increase in difficulty.
They range from eating shit (challenge 3) to carrying a waterlogged corpse up a
well on his back like a papoose (challenge 6) to killing Tawng's purse dog with a sword (challenge 12).

The entire film is interspersed with "You Bet Your Life"
style flashbacks of a troubled childhood. It is revealed that Chit is half Taiwanese,
half abusive drunken Irish Catholic coal miner. The flashbacks reveal a botched attempt to
kill his father with a butcher knife when he was ten.

Challenge 13 culminates on a grand stage where Chit comes upon an individual in a
wheel chair with a burlap sack on his head. Pulling the sack off reveals the person in the
wheelchair is his father who has apparently been sedated. The final challenge is to stick a butcher knife into his father's heart and terminate him. Chit, being the pussy he is, chickens out seemingly forefieting the 100 million Baht. Flash to a scene where Tawng, using her computer expertise and Google, finds out that this game goes all the way to the top of this developing-world nation's system of authority. She then infiltrates the lair of the mastermind behind the game show, a 12 year old internet savvy boy. Tawng is forced to watch the conclusion of the show in which Chit's father springs out of the wheelchair and plunges the butcher knife into his son's chest. It is revealed that Chit's father is also playing the game. His father throws his arms in the air in celebration while being showered with confetti. Game over.

-Joe

Hamlet 2

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 00:02:00 +0000

What, you haven't see this yet?! Are you serious? Are you serious. Get out of here! Honestly, stop staring at your computer and go watch this movie already! Unless you watch them at your computer, but regardless. It might be one of the funniest movies of the last ten years. Come on, people, I shouldn't even have to tell you this!

Oh, for crying out loud. You want your little ruin? Ok, here goes.

WATCH THE F*CKING MOVIE.

You're welcome.

Two Lovers

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:39:00 +0000

You might be watching this for a while and think "Hmm, wonder why it's called Two Lovers. So far the only thing Quinoa and Gwynie have done is a few minutes of sexy dance at the club." Just wait for it. Eventually they do it standing up on the roof of their apartment building. Nope, no need to thank me. It's what we're here for.

So Quinoa, poor schlump that he is, is constantly dropping everything to be there for the perpetually coked-up Gwynie whenever she needs him. He does this even if it means neglecting his new girlfriend, played by Vinessa Shaw. Wait, are you kidding me? My high school boyfriend crushed on her big-time after he saw her in "Ladybugs" opposite Rodney Dangerfield and Jackée. She's gorgeous, and obviously so is Gwynie P., so this also makes Quinoa one lucky bastard. Freal though, he is in a lot of pain, and his character is pretty lovable. And we learn early on that he's already suffered a great deal; his relationship with his fiance has fallen apart in a horribly unfortunate way, and he must move back in with his folks and work at the family biz. Also, not for nothing, butQuinoa is one cryabetic who is good about taking his funsulin . He rebounds from every crying fit with impeccable grace and ease, just like a baby once you make silly faces at it to make it happy again.

As expected, Gwynie P. breaks Quinoa's heart by staying with the guy who played Duncan in "Some Kind Of Wonderful" (how long have you been a lesbian, this is what my girlfriend would look like without skin, etc). ThenQuinoa proposes to Vinessa "Lucky Ladybug" Shaw with the ring that is inside in the comically large ring box. Take that, authors of The Rules. A girl really can get a marriage proposal out of sleeping with a guy on their second not-date and then fawning over him relentlessly. All it takes is for GwynethPaltrow to drag him through the mud first.

Omg omg! I forgot to tell you about the best part of the movie, when we're treated to a sneak preview of Quinoa's budding rap career! Wait, what? That was a hoax? No hopes for a future, posthumous Johnny Cash mashup project? Oh. Ok then. Peace out.

The International

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:47:00 +0000

This film certainly puts the "asses" back in assassin. These armed-to-the-teeth boneheads kill willy nilly, fuck up the Guggenheim something terrible, and are inept at splitting from the scene of the crime in a timely, stealthy manner. Seriously, even the movie 'Shoot 'Em Up', which also, of course, starred Clive Owen, did not have this much shooting of 'em up.

Not to fret, though, torch carriers of the Good Fight - the President of AssAss-inland does receive his just Turkish delights, and by this I mean he takes one between the eyes on a rooftop in Istanbul. Side note: of all the international city aerial shots in this flick, Istanbul is the most beautiful. I'm totally going once I get my passport.

In conclusion - Italy wins! Yaayy, Azzurri! And will someone please give Mr. Owen's characters some Lithium already? Dude needs to lighten up.

Quarantine

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:07:00 +0000

Everybody dies at the end.

The mystery disease turns out to be Super Rabies (no joke), created in the attic of the building by the tenant from Boston, who the Russian guy claims he hasn't seen in six months. Well, the tenant from Boston has been up there the whole time, infected by the virus he created to bring doomsday to the country and presently resembling the creatures from The Descent. He kills the reporter and her cameraman. The last scene of the movie is prominently featured in the trailer. Either way, great movie.

SPECIAL EDITION: You Ruin The Ending For Me - Day Watch

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 13:23:00 +0000

Did you successfully sit through Night Watch? I didn't. I didn't make it through this sequel, either, and chances are I probably won't be able to endure all of the final installment of this trilogy when it's released. So, please tell me how Day Watch ended. If you're so inclined and have some time to kill, let me know how Night Watch ended as well.

The Happening

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:20:00 +0000

The tagline for this film in the commercials leading up to its theatrical release was 'M Night Shayamalan's First R-Rated Movie.' The fact that they had to plug the film's rating should have been a dead give away that it had nothing else going for it. It would have been far more accurate to state that M Night Shayamalan had made one of the most lame movies ever, and it just so happened to have received an R rating from the motion picture board; one of the weakest R ratings ever doled out, too. It barely warrants a PG-13.

Marky Mark, his wife, and the kid survive 'the happening,' which is little more than plants giving off a neurotoxin which makes people kill themselves. The plants have wrought their revenge for humanity's treatment of nature. Totally boring plot, villian, characters, dialogue, etc.

At the end, Marky's wife delivers the exciting new to him that she's preggo and they're going to have a child of their own (in additions to taking in the new orphaned like girl character). And then.....then....

OH NO HE DIDN'T

It all starts happening again, but IN EUROPE.

Hang it up, M.

The Bank Job

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:49:00 +0000

They get exonerated by the government, get to keep all the money and have a party. Jason Statham stays with him wife instead of running off with the other woman. Predictable, but entertaining. Good for a rainy night. No qualms here.

Them

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 14:25:00 +0000

I'm guessing this was more or less a toned down version of Micheal Haneke's Funny Games (had I bothered to actually watch Funny Games when I rented it I'd be able to much more clearly state how much it has in common with Them. It sat on my coffee table for about two weeks before I decided that I probably wouldn't be in the proper mood watch it anytime soon).

Them focuses on one night in the life of a French couple living somewhere in Eastern Europe. If I've learned anything from horror films released over the last few years, Eastern Eupore seems to be a land plagued by roaming gangs of sadistic kidnappers, hellbent on abducting and torturing the life out of the innocent in the most inventively evil ways. Seems like there's also an incredible nightlife available for the twenty-something traveller, as well. I suppose you need to make sacrifices and let the good come with the bad.

Clemetine and Lucas, our unfortunate couple, live in a secluded mansion somewhere in Bulgaria or Ukraine. I can't tell these places apart. The plot, evidently based on 'true events' revolves around our pair of handsome French ex-pats succumbing to the violent urges of a group of local childrens' desire for 'play'. I'd like to see a film make based on the true events in the one night of my life I was kept up all night after eating $10 worth of food from my neighbrohood taqueria. I'm sure it would be equally terrifying to this turd. In the same way I believe I'll never again eat a huitlacoche quesadilla, I think I'm finished renting french horror movies.

Altered States

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:20:00 +0000

William Hurt's character, through a combination of a psychedelic potion and sensory depreviation experiments, is able to awaken in himself the primal human. Basically, he turns into an ape-man and wrecks the shit out of everything. It was grand. At one point, right after his full transformation into a Cro-Magnon, he stumbles into a the city zoo (which apparently is only about two blocks from the university and only surrounded by a five-foot fence) kills and eats a sheep (there's about 300 sheep in a city zoo for some reason) before passing out and waking up a normal human being, albeit very naked and covered in sheep's blood.

The end of this movie has to be seen to be believed. Im sure that sounds as cliche as it comes, but I really have no idea how to best describe it. So I've just posted the video below.

A+ stuff, though, for what amounted to the greatest B movie I think I've ever seen. No idea how I let this one escape me for so many years. You'd figure this would be a Saturday afternoon classic shown on every UHF channel on earth.

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of Insufferable Disappointment

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:31:00 +0000

My decades long fantasy to one day wake up as Indiana Jones has now been replaced by a days long fantasy to have Steven Speilberg personally apologize to me for making the most recent Indiana Jones farce. It was incredibly bad and leads me to wonder what any critic who had even the slightest positive remark to scribble about it saw in it.

I had so many problems with this pile of leavings that I don't know where to start and refuse to dwell on further, so let's get the key powpoints out of the way:

Shia LeBeouf turns out to be the child of Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood. They were set to be married until Indy ran out at the 11th hour.

The main plot involves aliens. The ending finds Indiana Jones, 'Mutt' and Marion returning the cystal skull to the alien temple, which fires up a dimensional portal that claims Cate Blanchett's character in a way far too similar to the death of the lead villian in the original film, before swallowing up the temple and surrounding city.

Finally, as Dr. Jones, his son, and Marion look on from their escape, a UFO comes out of the ground and flies off into space, or as some other random character informs us - into another dimension, the 'space between spaces'.

In the closing scenes , Indiana Jones and Marion are married. I almost puked.

I suppose Goerge Lucas couldn't rest until he'd tainted two great series of films that most people my age still highly enjoy. Way to go, pal...and in case he needs to be reminded, Sylvester Stallone did an exponentially better job of resurrecting and making more enjoyable films out of two dormant series that paled in comparison to the original Indiana Jones trilogy. Yes, Rambo was more plausible and entertaining that this dud.

Halloween (the Rob Zombie remake)

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:42:00 +0000

It's been quite a while since I updated this blog and with good reason - I've decided to waste my time watching Battlestar Galactica, the Sci-Fi channel's remake of the 70s series that I apparently used to watch as a child but cannot remember to save my life. It's great, and reminded me of another remake I watched recently and decided I needed to tell you all about.

Rob Zombie's Halloween.

Horror film remakes typically blow. We all know that. I just paused for about 60 seconds to think of one that didn't, and I came up with nothing. Texs Chainsaw was awful, that one about retarded mutants in the desert was garbage...I'm not going to continue. RZ's (I'm LAZY) Halloween continues in the fine tradition of wasting tons of studio money and my time. I liked RZ's two previous efforts, so I figured 'WHAT THE HELL'. And do I ever regret it. This film's fatal flaw is how inconceiveably boring it was. It's not until well after an hour into this that Micheal Myers escapes from the looney bind and goes after whomever it was he was all about killing. I can't even remember. I was more into revising my monthly budget than sitting through anymore of this shit, so I turned it off and called it a night. Thanks Rob. This was your cinematic version of John Bush-era Anthrax. I'm sure Micheal Myers kills a bunch of people with a kitchen knife, gets shot nine times before falling out a second storey window, and then mysteriously vanishes, thus setting up for the sequel-remake which I will castrate myself before watching.

The Ruins

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 23:46:00 +0000

The Ruins will, henceforth, carry the torch as the absolute worst horror film I have ever seen. I have seen many, many, many terrible horror films. Remember when I couldn't make it through more than 30 minutes of Sleepaway Camp? Well, this was somehow worse. This ultimate turd had everything wrong possible going for it. The main characters? Four whiny Americans. The villian? Sentient poison ivy covering an ancient Mayan Temple. I SHIT YOU NOT. This was adapted from a book, too. When I finish writing this I'm going to check to make sure this author has never won a National Book Award.

Three of our four heroic American college grads never make it down from the top of the temple. Blondie cuts herself to death, but only after accidentally stabbing her boyfriend. At this point, the kid going off to medical school in the fall cooks up a plan to get his girlfriend to safety. Luckily, he's shot full of arrows by the indigenous tribes gaurding the jungle from being infected by those who've had contact with the poison ivy on the temple. There's a German in there, too, but he's taken care of relatively early.

Steer clear.

Guest Ruin: The X-Files: I Want to Believe

noreply@blogger.com (Matt) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:42:00 +0000

Remember "The X-Files"? That was a fun show. You know what's not so fun? Paying 7 bucks (it was a matinee) to see a lousy remake of a cherished part of your adolescent nostalgia. The truth is out there.

Okay, let's get to it. Years have passed. Our heroes are older, wiser and more conflicted than ever. I don't know what happened with the whole "conspiracy" nonsense, but Mulder and Scully have been run out of the FBI. Scully is an ace surgeon. Mulder sports a beard, chews sunflower seeds and, taking a page from Mel Gibson's book, spends his days clipping newspaper articles about strange phenomena and government conspiracies. All is well until Scully is approached by an FBI agent, played by Amanda Peet, who needs help with a case. Women have gone missing, including a colleague of Peet's, and a psychic has offered to help. By the way, the psychic is an ex-priest. A pedophile ex-priest. (Cue pedophile priest jokes...now!) Peet has studied Mulder's work and figures he'll be able to handle the priest. Mulder shaves, signifying his readiness to again associate himself with the bureau. Peet touches the spot where he nicked himself; Scully watches with narrowed eyes. Drama.

Anyway, through a series of improbable twists, Mulder cracks the case, but not before Peet is shoved down an open elevator shaft and impaled on some rebar sticking through the concrete floor. (Oh, and the priest dies of lung cancer. It's ironic because: 1. He deserves it, and 2. He's psychic, but he didn't see that coming!) Mulder stumbles into a makeshift hospital in rural West Virginia, kills a two-headed dog, and discovers that Russian doctors are using body parts from the kidnap victims to keep a Russian dude with some freaky disease alive. Why? Good question...it seems to have something to do with another Russian guy, who is his lover. Mulder is overcome by the surgeons, and Ruskie #2 is about to chop him up with an axe when Scully and Skinner save the day. How did they know where to find Mulder in the middle of snow-covered rural West Virginia? After the two-headed dog, it's probably best not to worry about things like that. So Skinner busts the Russians, and Mulder and Scully agree to get away from "the darkness" for a while. They kiss, for like the millionth time. C'mon...it's just weird seeing that.

Conclusion: I saw this movie while hungover. It is probably best to see it before the more pleasant effects of drunkenness have worn off.