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VICTIM MENTALITY: 15 SIGNS OF VICTIMHOOD & HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

Michael — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 03:18:59 GMT

A victim mentality is something that can be really tricky to write about. Before I get going on this subject and share some things about me and my life that I haven’t shared before, I want to first make one thing very clear:

This post is in no way, shape, or form victim-shaming or victim-blaming.

I think it’s crucial (as far as the healing process goes) to acknowledge that you are a victim if you have truly been victimized, minimized, muzzled, abused, and manipulated.

There is a difference between claiming the role of victim in a circumstance or event and actually using the fact that you were a victim to make it your identity and manipulate others.

I have all the empathy in the world for those (including my younger self) who have been the victim of emotional, physical, and/or psychological crimes – especially as defenseless and voiceless children.

I think we all have, at some point, been on the receiving end of abuse of some kind.

Personally, I could not heal until I was willing to step OUT of a victim mentality and INTO a space of survivorship.

Victimhood became my identity after years of not being able to process the trauma that I went through as a child.

A victim mentality was the only way I could subconsciously protect myself from this trauma that my emotional body still did not know how to digest. This created a great deal of shame and set me up to be trauma bonded in my romantic relationships.

My goal in writing this post, with all the love in my heart, is to shed light on the pitfalls of a victim mentality; how to spot it in yourself, and how to deal with others who are convenient or perpetual victims.

You may love these people very much but be at your wit’s END as far as their ability to deflect and turn the tables so fast, you end up apologizing for things you didn’t do.

What Is Victim Mentality?

Victim Mentality is a term used in the psychological community that refers to someone who essentially seeks “evidence” at best (or creates their own “evidence” out of thin air, at worst), to automatically place themselves as the abused party. These people are always the wronged and persecuted ones. They are the victim of another person’s actions; life circumstances, and every situation under the sun.

People who have a victim mentality truly believe that they have no control over what happens in their own life. They think that the results they get in life have nothing to do with them and that everyone is out to get, hurt, betray, deceive, use, and abuse them.

Everything is because of everyone else.

It’s hard to trust someone with a victim mentality because these people lack trust within themselves. They are highly offended, easily triggered, and about as predictable as the sun rising and setting.

When I was deep into my own victimhood, the involuntary reflex was always blaming, finger-pointing, and orchestrating pity parties for myself. The pity parties could happen through listening to depressing music, engaging in habits that contributed to my emotional and physical death, engaging in really impulsive behavior, putting myself in danger, doing things that went against my moral code, and of course, oversharing.

No matter what – how I felt on the inside, coupled with how my life was going (good or bad) was ALWAYS because of someone or something else.

Nothing was dependent on the internal, always the external.

It was impossible to have a genuine, meaningful connection with me because I didn’t have the ability to introspect. And when you can’t self-reflect, how can you ever be the problem, let alone at fault in any way? It’s always everyone and everything else.

How Does This Happen? What Jumpstarts Victimhood?

In my non-professional opinion and experiences, a victim mentality stems from trauma that’s so painful (and happens prior to the individual having learned how to self-reflect), the only available emotional coping mechanism is adopting a victim mentality (which soon becomes an identity).

Most people who have a victim mentality were victims as voiceless and defenseless children. Or, they grew up in an enmeshed family where codependency was at an all-time high.

One of my parents, who, although had the best of intentions, was always a victim. I observed how much attention this person got and as a result, modeled the behavior. This leads us to…

What Can You Actually Gain From a Victim Mentality?

Looking back, it’s easy for me to see why I was so comfortable in my own self-victimization.

**The bullet points below are not blanket statements that apply to everyone. I am merely sharing MY OWN experiences here and am in NO WAY shaming victims. This is my own experience.*

When I was always the victim, I never had to take responsibility for anything! All I had to do was point out where responsibility should be taken.
I would use my relationships to revisit the scene of an emotional crime in my past. I would then, be a convenient victim when it served me and a manipulative puppet master when it did not. (Either way, I was self-absorbed and manipulative).
It was an easy way to get empathic people to be at my service.
People were less hard on me because they knew how much I’d already been through. They knew my whole sob story and did not want to add to any more pain than I was already experiencing.
People would eggshell walk around me and it made my inferiority complex temporarily go away. I felt powerful.
I had people that would check on me.
It was a very easy way to get others to view me as courageous, classy, dignified, and brave (I was none of those things).
There was constant drama and chaos (that I created), which kept my lackluster life exciting.
I got apologized to. A lot. And it was very affirming. It justified my self-righteousness and propelled my narcissism.
Because I attracted “helpers,” I always needed to be listened to and “saved.” People did things for me that they wouldn’t do for others. And that felt fantastic because I never got any of it in my childhood.

I could go on but you get the point here. That was very embarrassing to type out but it’s my truth. And if it helps one person feel less alone; gives them the courage to self-reflect or to end a relationship with someone who has a victim mentality, that’s all I care about.

What Do You Stand to Lose With a Victim Mentality?

Your reputation.
Your mind.
Yourself.
The ability to implement healthy boundaries.
The ability to develop self-love and self-respect.
The ability to create meaning and connection, which are the foundational forces of intimacy.
The chance to become attracted to true love and leave the rollercoaster of romantic, hot/cold, yes/no, Jekyll/Hyde love behind.
The opportunity to realize your potential and live life on your own terms.
Respect from others.
The strength you never knew you had.
Decision-making that isn’t executed through the filter of your shame.
The ability to be the hero and savior in your own life story. (You’re always wanting to be saved and rescued).
The ability to unconditionally love yourself, instead of endlessly searching for external unconditional love (that wasn’t given to you as a child).

15 Signs of a Victim Mentality

The trauma and injustices you’ve experienced did not “just happen to you.” It has literally become who you are.
You’re a perfectionist. And because on some level, you know that you’ll never achieve perfection, you are your own worst enemy and harshest critic. There’s always some reason to doubt, sabotage, and berate yourself.
You feel like the only way your life will change is if other people and circumstances change.
You feel totally out of control and powerless when it comes to your relationships, circumstances, and life.
There is a ZERO toleration policy for receiving criticism of ANY kind. You also can’t deal with rejection.
You are highly triggered. The most constructive criticism could have you in tears and completely unglued.
You think that everyone is happier, more attractive, and has “it” all “figured out” more than you do/ever will.
It’s hard to see the good in the world. You feel as though the world is a threatening, deceptive, unfair (only to YOU), and hurtful place.
Your worth is based on the level to which you can get others to empathize with, serve, and feel sorry for you.
You love telling “your story.”
Health issues are exaggerated.
You compulsively (or pathologically) lie.
Blaming others for how you feel has become habitual.
When you don’t get the sympathy and handouts you want from others, you vilify them and become a victim to their opinion (which they are totally entitled to!).
It’s hard for you to ever be wrong.
Your outcomes in life are always based on what was DONE – never on what you DO as a result of what was done to you.

How to Overcome a Victim Mentality

First, admit that this has become your identity and be KIND to yourself. Self-sabotage, self-hate, and punishments will get you nowhere. Don’t judge yourself for having a victim mentality. Just compassionately observe and take an inventory of your life and this pattern.
Every time you want to point a finger at someone, turn inward. Ask yourself where you could have contributed to your own pain and the problem as a whole.
Get rid of the “YES!” people in your life; the enablers.
Understand that life is unfair. You had no control over what happened to you as a child, but as an adult, you have full control over how you REACT to being triggered. You have full control over what you choose to tolerate (in yourself and with others) going forward.
Pivot when you find yourself complaining and remind yourself that you are in charge.
Stop validation-seeking.
Learn to say “no.”
Realize that internalizing the behavior of others is like stealing from someone else. It’s not right and you’re not entitled to disallow others from owning their own behavior.
View yourself as someone who has SURVIVED because even if you’re barely hanging on, you’re here and you have.

How to Deal With a Victim Mentality in Others

The best thing you can do when dealing with someone who has a victim mentality is to make sure that your boundaries stay non-negotiable and intact.

Know that these types will either suck the energy out of you with their emotional vampirism (sob stories) or, they will try to blame you (either directly or passively) for the sh*tty relationship that they have with themselves.

The only reason you would stay close with someone like this is if you lacked boundaries. Boundaries are nothing more than a recognition of value. Standards are the criteria that need to be met in order for that value to be accessed. If there is an absence of boundaries, there is an absence of self-love.

Love yourself enough to have limits.

Love yourself enough to appreciate the survivorship and empathize with others, but draw a hard line at it diminishing your mental health.

Protect your peace at all costs and know that there is life beyond what happened to you. And there is life beyond that of non-reciprocal, non-mutual relationships.

x Natasha

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

How to find yourself after a breakup with these pro tips!

CoachAdrian — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 05:22:44 GMT

I often talk to clients who explain to me that they feel so lost after a breakup. When you had been with a person for a long time, you start to develop a certain routine and your life begins to adapt to the other person. You start to envision your future together and you begin making big plans, and then when you break up you end up feeling completely lost. It can feel like you don’t know where to turn, or what to do now, and you end up feeling depressed and confused about what is supposed to happen now.

It’s one of the hardest things we can go through as human beings, and I am here to let you know that you can get back in control of your life and feel good again. It’s just going to require some time, patience, and perseverance. The easiest thing to do would be to sulk around feeling sorry for yourself, but how is that going to help you find yourself? This breakup needs to serve as fuel for transforming you into the best version of yourself. If you want to know how to find yourself after a breakup, you’re in the right spot!

In today’s article, I am going to give you some tools for finding yourself after a breakup, whether you want to get your ex back or not. The healing stage is the same for everyone, and I want to let you know that you can change the way that you are feeling by taking action starting today. You are more in control of this situation than you might realize, and I want you to see this as an opportunity to change and to improve. You’re not going to feel like this forever, and it is in your power to speed up the healing process!

How to find yourself after a breakup by switching gears

A person’s ego can take a huge blow after a breakup. As time went on, you probably started to get more comfortable in the relationship and you started to get into a routine with your partner. Many people start to get more comfortable with showing their shortcomings and being less of the perfect person that they were trying to present themselves as being in the beginning of the relationship. When the breakup takes place, it can be extra painful simply because you had allowed yourself to become vulnerable, and you feel like your authentic self was rejected by the person that you love.

In addition to this, the relationship had become the central focus of their life so when it ends, they end up feeling totally lost. It’s normal that you would invest in this relationship, share all of yourself and make the person you’re with your priority, but unfortunately, sometimes there is too much of an unbalance between these elements and your own personal life, and you end up losing yourself in the relationship. Of course when it all ends, you’re left feeling lost and out of touch with yourself.

My Ex Is Hot And Cold With Me And I Don’t Know What To Do!

So, what can you do when you’re looking for yourself after a breakup? Well, I’m glad you asked!

How to be happy after a breakup: Looking forward

I often tell my clients that it’s imperative that they stop rehashing and fixating on the breakup. It’s normal that your mind would be filled with doubts right now, but I don’t want you to allow your regrets to control you. Sure, there are things that you could have done differently and it’s very important that you are aware of these things, but they should not paralyze you.

The more you fixate on the what-if’s and the “Oh I should have done that differently,” the worse you’re going to feel right now. Instead, I encourage you to sit down and grab a pen and a piece of paper. Divide the paper into two columns. On the left, start making a list of the issues you were having in the relationship and what type of behavioral issues you may have been experiencing. On the right, and I encourage you to really think about this, next to each thing you wrote, write down a realistic solution.

This exercise will help you to get these things out of your head and come up with solutions, and trust me this will help you to get some peace of mind. Sometimes writing things down is the best way to get them out of your system so that you can clear your head and focus on the tasks at hand.

When you can organize these thoughts, you will be able to focus on finding yourself after a breakup.

There is no sense in reminiscing and driving yourself crazy about what you could have or should have done differently. Instead, look forward and use this as fuel for making your life better in the future, and focus your energy on working on yourself after a breakup.

Finding yourself after a breakup by getting busy

You probably feel that the person you were in the beginning of your relationship and the person you are now are not the same people. Somewhere along the line, you lost yourself so it’s time to start thinking about what exactly has changed.

• What where you doing in the beginning of your relationship that you are no longer doing now?
• What friends and family members that made you happy were you hanging out with?
• What did your schedule look like?
• What were you doing with your spare time before you were in this relationship?

Filling your schedule back up with these things is one of the absolute best ways to find yourself after a breakup.

In addition to this, now is the perfect time to start thinking about what kind of new things you can introduce into your life.

• What activities have you always wanted to try? (Think yoga, cooking classes, mountain climbing, painting, salsa dancing…)
• In what ways can you become more physically active?

I still love my ex but they don’t love me: Can I get them back?

By the way, using this time to become more active, and especially more physically active, can help you feel considerably better in a short span of time. When you dedicate more time to physical activity, a few things begin to happen. First, you start to feel better because your body will be releasing endorphins and serotonin.

On top of that, you will feel a boost of energy that will make you feel more inclined to grab life by the horns and start doing more things for yourself. When all of these elements come together, you’ll start to experience an increase in your self confidence. You’ll be feeling better in your body, but also in your mind.

Coincidentally, this is also what attracts other people to you like moths to a flame. People want to be around people who are living life to the fullest and are visibly happy and feeling fulfilled. This is key if you’re hoping to get your ex back…

Self motivation after a breakup

If you do not like the person you see when you look in the mirror, or if you feel like you don’t recognize this person, take action! Get up and get busy. If you find yourself thinking about what your ex is up to or if you catch yourself feeling sad about your current situation all the time, it means that you aren’t busy enough.

Whether you want this person back or not, you absolutely must work on being the person you want to be.

Make a list of the things you want to accomplish. Maybe it’s getting in better shape, maybe it’s changing your look, maybe it’s being more sociable so that you can meet new people, maybe it’s being more successful at work… whatever it is, channel your energy into making it happen.

I always encourage my clients to set goals. Where do you want to be in six months? So then where do you need to be in two months? And what can you start doing this week to get that point?

When you’re feeling lost and are working on getting on with life after a breakup so that you can feel like yourself again, you just need to analyze what parts of yourself could use some improvement, and fill up your schedule with people and activities that make you happy, and help you to get closer to your goals.

As always, we are here to help, so please don’t hesitate to get in touch here or to leave your question in the comments section below.

Wishing you all the best in life and love,

Your coach when you want to know how to find yourself after a breakup

Adrian

How to make someone miss you psychology: Understanding how it works

CoachAdrian — Mon, 25 Oct 2021 16:41:40 GMT

Understanding the psychology behind how to make someone miss you is the key to success. When you pay attention to basic human nature, it becomes much easier to make someone miss you and begin to crave being around you. I work with people every single day who come to me for help in making the person they love miss them, and I always make sure to explain the psychology behind it.

Because this is such a common topic, I wanted to write an article for you on how to make someone miss you psychology, so that you can start to define the best action plan for getting your ex back for good! I have dedicated my life to helping people get back together with the person they love, and this has enabled me to gather quite a bit of insight regarding what goes on in a man’s mind following a breakup. So let’s dive right in, shall we?

How to make someone miss you psychology: what is the key?

One of the things I always remind my clients of is the simple, yet often overlooked fact that if your ex made the decision to leave this relationship, it means that he or she had lost faith in your overall ability to make them happy long term.

There is always a reason behind the breakup, whether it is one big thing or if it’s an accumulation of multiple little things that pushed your ex to a breaking point. The main thing that’s going to change the situation is YOUR ability to change.

Your ex is not going to want to get back into the same exact relationship you had before because you both already know how that ended. The goal right now will be to show him or her that you have understood what needed to change, and the breakup served as a wake up call for you.

How to make them miss you by surprising them

We want to make your ex start falling in love with you again by realizing that you are evolving and becoming the person that they had lost faith that you could be. We want to surprise them in the best way possible.

So if you can put yourself in your ex’s shoes and start zeroing in on what exactly went wrong, you can start to define concrete solutions.

For example, if he or she felt that you were selfish, now would be the perfect time to start prioritizing selfless activities that start to positively impact the lives of others. Carve out some time to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or bake a batch of your favorite cookies for a retirement home on a regular basis.

By doing things like this, not only will you be making the lives of those around you better, you’ll surprise your ex in a way that will make him or her think, “Wow, my ex really seems to be growing and changing in a way that maybe I was too quick to assume wouldn’t ever happen… I think I miss them.”

The # 1 relationship experts to get back with an ex

Keeping your eyes open when you want to make your ex fall for you again

That said, there is another thing I want you to keep in mind. Oftentimes, a person will focus so much on the psychology behind making a person miss you that they actually think about how they can adapt to their ex’s expectations, without factoring in what’s best for themselves. A specific example comes to mind as I write this.

I recently worked with Anna, who was trying to use the psychology of love to make her ex miss her. One of the main reasons why their relationship fell apart was that she was extremely tidy and organized, but her ex was the exact opposite. He needed her to be more chill and stop harping on him for being so messy. It caused a lot of tensions in their relationship until he felt like he couldn’t take it anymore.

So I explored the relationship and breakup with Anna. I asked her to reflect on the situation and really ask herself if the relationship was worth her giving up living in a clean home that genuinely made her happy. In her specific situation, she realized that there were multiple elements like that that made her feel like it would be better to go back to the drawing board and actually consider dating someone that is on the same page as her.

So I invite you to keep your eyes open and make sure that you’re setting yourself up for a future full of happiness!

Using NC psychology to make someone miss you

Now, let’s take a look at how to use female and male psychology to get someone back. As I said above, the key to success in these situation is surprising your ex and showing him or her that you can actually become the person that they weren’t sure you could be.

There are a couple different tools available to you to help you do this, and if you are familiar with our philosophy, then you have undoubtedly heard of the no contact rule. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this tool, it basically consists os giving your ex an electroshock that makes them realize that you have taken them off that pedestal and they no longer have access to you like they thought.

In many cases, we see that it’s easy for an ex to take advantage of you because you’re always available to them. When you stop being readily available to them, you surprise them and spark their attention. As you do this, it is imperative that you use this time wisely!

The NC rule is to be used for a predetermined period of time that depends on the intricacies of your relationship, ranging from three weeks to three months. While you’re in zero contact with the person you love and miss, you are to focus entirely on yourself and how you can improve your life.

My ex is acting like an idiot but I still love them!

Make sure that you are carving out ample time to focus on your personal and professional goals, especially if you had neglected them while you were in the relationship! Think of what other types of activities you can introduce that can bring you joy. The busier you are with things that benefit you, the better. Think about how you can use this time to make other people happy as well!

For example, you can focus more on your passion for baking AND take a fresh batch of cookies to your favorite aunt that you haven’t seen in a while. The busier you are, the better!

Get more physically active and you’ll start to see a shift in your mood, that will make you feel more motivated to keep making positive changes in your life.

For more in-depth information on how to use the no contact rule, I highly recommend reading this article. We are also here to help you every step of the way, so please don’t hesitate to get in touch for one on one coaching and it would be our pleasure to help you define the perfect action plan to make someone you love miss you.

Thinking about human nature when you want to use psychology to make someone miss you

As this article comes to a close, I want to do a quick recap.

At the end of the day, your ex wanted to see changes that didn’t happen, so now is the time to prove to both you and your ex that you are capable of changing and evolving!

It is basic human nature to take something for granted that we assume belongs to us and isn’t going anywhere. So the key to making someone miss you psychology is surprising your ex in the best way possible by becoming the new and improved version of the person they fell in love with in the first place, using a tool like the no contact rule to give yourself the opportunity to bounce back and make improvements, while showing your ex that your world no longer revolves around them, and proving to yourself that you can be the person you’ve always wanted to be.

If you have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments section below, and it would be our pleasure to respond to you.

Wishing you all the best in life and love,

Your coach for understanding how to make someone miss you psychology

Adrian

Do Not Marry THESE Kinds of Men (RED FLAGS!)

Amy North — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 00:00:44 GMT

There are certain red flags that every woman knows that let you separate the players from the real men.

But did you know that there are also warning signs that you need to watch our for further on in your relationship?

These red flags will let you know that he’s not going to be a good husband, father, or life partner and if you notice any of them, it means that you should look elsewhere if you’re looking for something more serious.

The Men You Shouldn’t Marry

So first off, we need to talk about red flags more generally. It’s important to note that it’s not these red flags in themselves that make him not husband material, but rather it’s what these red flags imply about his character, personality and maturity level that will create a problem down the road if the two of you stay together.

These red flags signal things like commitment issues, dishonesty, and emotional immaturity.

He takes A LOT out of you

Relationships are often hard work. But if you feel like you need time to recharge after hanging out with him, this is a sign that he’s going to be difficult to spend your life with in the long run. When a relationship is functioning properly, it’s meant to recharge your batteries, not drain them.

Whether it’s his constant need for attention and validation, his erratic and surprising behavior or his constant need for sex, a boyfriend who tires you out is one you should think carefully about before marrying.

He doesn’t have any long term friends

It’s difficult for many people to build long lasting friendships, but if he has trouble making friendships last, this could be a good indicator for the longevity of his relationships.

Be mindful of how he talks about his friends, both past and present. Is he very demanding or critical? Are all of his many falling outs caused by the other person, with him refusing to take any accountability?

We’ve all had rough patches in our own friendships. It’s by working through these rough patches that you forge a stronger bond. If he’s always willing to bail at the first sign of trouble, this can mean that he doesn’t have emotional intelligence or the ability to compromise.

He makes plans but doesn’t follow through

If he talks a big game but can’t put his money where his mouth is, this is a red flag for your future together. This can be seen in anything from his personal life to his career to his long term goals.

On one hand, we all strive to be better people and sometimes our reach exceeds our grasp. It’s when his lack of follow through has an effect on you and your relationship that you may be in real trouble.

So maybe he promised you something and then broke his promise. Maybe he always says that the two of you will take a trip together and something always comes up. If you do decide to marry this guy, get ready for a lifetime of big promises and even bigger disappointments.

He gets upset when you go out with your friends

Some men will be out and out hostile when you do anything without them. Others will just be a little peeved when you go out dancing with the girls.

But the truth is, if he’s at all resentful that you have your own life, this is a really serious red flag for your relationship.

A real man will be happy that you have your own life, friends, and activities that don’t involve him. He’ll be okay with spending time alone, without needing constant presence and validation.

When he gets testy when you spend time without him, it signals a few things that will spell problems for your relationship. It means that he’s jealous and possessive of you. It means that he’s self-centred and feels that his own comfort comes before your happiness.

Does He Like Me? I’ve created a quiz that will tell you definitively if a guy likes you… or not. Click here to take the quiz and and discover his true feelings.

It means that he has issues with codependency and can’t bear being alone. Steer clear of guys like this as their jealousy and resentment will only grow stronger with time.

He doesn’t learn from his mistakes

Do you feel like you’re having the same fights over and over? Do you find that you have to keep telling him the same thing again and again? These are the hallmarks of a guy who won’t learn from his mistakes.

This can be for several reasons. Maybe he doesn’t respect your feelings and just tells you what you want to hear with no intention of changing his behaviour. Maybe he’s so self centred that he isn’t aware of how his actions affect other people. Or maybe he just lacks the ability to grow and change in a meaningful way at this point in his life.

None of these are great reasons and they’re all red flags for your future marriage. A man who won’t learn is not one you should spend any more time with.

He never apologizes

Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. It’s how we deal with this conflict that can bring us together, or drive a wedge between us. If you find that your fights end with a stony silence and a slow return to normal WITHOUT any sort of apology or acknowledgement of what went wrong, this is a red flag for your future together.

He doesn’t need to get on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness but he should make an effort to see your point of view and understand that he made a mistake.

A truly effective apology includes three parts: an acknowledgement of how he hurt you, a statement of apology (i.e. “I’m sorry”), and the promise to do better going forward. But if he falls short, it’s not a huge deal. Most people don’t know how to properly apologize to another person. In this case, it’s more the thought that counts.

And remember that all these red flags are a two way street. Do you get angry at him for going out with friends? Do you make a lot of promises and then flake on them? Remember that while it takes two people to build a marriage, it only takes one person to ruin it.

Amy North

Amy North, BA, BSc, is a woman’s best friend. If you’re searching for the man of your dreams, or you want make your boyfriend stay devoted to you, then Amy North is your gal! Amy's incredibly popular YouTube channel, which boasts over 340,000 subscribers and 20+ million views, helps women learn how to get what they want out of their relationships. Her best-selling program, The Devotion System, reveals a number of psychological ‘hot buttons’ that make any man 'tick', and teaches readers how to use simple techniques and phrases to make any man love you.

Why You Should Never Chase Your Ex

Brad Browning — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 21:23:45 GMT

If you want your ex back, it can be tempting to talk to them as much as possible, pursue them, and try to convince them to give you another shot.

But this is actually the WORST thing you can do in this situation.

Let me explain why chasing your ex is ineffective and why it’s so important not to chase your ex if you want them back.

Why You Should Never Chase Your Ex

The idea that you should NEVER chase your ex is something I learned very early on, and it’s been one of the most consistent lessons I’ve had to teach my clients ever since.

Because if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back.

What do I mean by “chase” your ex? Obviously I’m not talking about literally running down the street after them, although that would be an extreme example.

What I’m referring to is any action that essentially leads you to actively pursue your ex in an attempt to change their mind about breaking up or convince them to take you back.

This can be as simple as texting your ex repeatedly when they don’t respond initially, but generally it’s more abstract… it’s more about your own mindset and approach to dealing with your ex.

Chasing your ex means begging, pleading, spamming them with messages or calls, apologizing over and over, agreeing to their every demand, allowing them to manipulate or use you, sending flowers or gifts… these are things that I would define as “chasing” your ex, and they’re all terrible for your chances of getting them back.

What I DON’T mean, though, is that you should simply stop putting in any effort to win back your ex. That’s not what I’m saying at all. There are tons of things you can do — some of them you can do today, right now — to improve your chances and make your ex ask you for another chance.

In fact, my best-selling Ex Factor program is literally an entire online program outlining the countless strategies and techniques you can actively employ to reverse your breakup and win back your ex for good.

Why You Feel Compelled To Chase Your Ex

As I mentioned earlier, chasing your ex is what most humans will naturally tend to do when they’re dumped or when they change their mind about breaking up. When we want something from someone else in life, we ask for it, or we bargain for it, or we buy it… we don’t try to play mind games or think about psychology.

But when it comes to getting your ex back, asking for another chance… begging for another chance… trying to buy or bribe your way into another chance… trying to convince an ex to change their mind… those are the exact opposite things that actually make your ex WANT to take you back. So, it’s counter-intuitive, and doesn’t come naturally.

Our instinct is usually to chase after our ex and tighten our grip as we feel them slip further and further away… but, contrary to your instincts, the right way to go about things is the exact opposite of that, at least in most cases.

RELATED: Rules For Texting Your Ex Back

And frankly, emotions play a big role in this: you probably love your ex a lot, you miss them like crazy, and you want them to know that. You want to tell them how badly you want to try again and start over, or explain how things will be different.

You fear losing your ex for good, and you worry that’s going to happen unless you act now and convince them to take you back. But when you act on those emotions and fears, you’re just chasing your ex and usually making it harder and harder to ever get them back.

What Happens When You Chase Your Ex

See, when you ask or beg your ex to take you back, you immediately “lower your own value”, so to speak, in the eyes of your ex. All of a sudden, you put your ex in total control and hand them all the power… you basically make yourself subservient to them. This is fundamentally unattractive, and 99% of the time it’s going to make your ex MORE confident that breaking up was the right choice.

They’re not usually going to think to themselves, “wow, this is pathetic, my ex is a loser and I can do better” but they will subconsciously perceive you in a less positive, less attractive way.

They might still tell you they love you and miss you even after you do and say things that ‘lower your value’, but they will see you differently on a subconscious level and that will result in them being less and less interested in ever taking you back.

More than that, when you chase your ex, this shows you’re willing to do or say anything that will give you a chance to talk to them or see them in person.

You’re totally vulnerable to being used and manipulated by your ex, and you remove any sense of urgency or pressure for your ex to change their mind.

This is especially true if you decide to ignore my advice and NOT employ a period of No Contact after the breakup–when you’re always there for your ex, you always immediately reply to their texts, agree to whatever time and place they suggest to meet up, and bend over backwards at any chance to help them with a favour.

These are nice things to do, but they show your ex that they can have whatever relationship with you that they want. You’ll be there, ready to reply to their text instantly or pick up the phone and agree to pick them up from the bar at 2am… and you’ll be there if, at any point in the future, they want to change their mind about breaking up and get back together.

I know that might SOUND amazing — “My ex knows I’ll eagerly agree to get back together any time? Great!” — but the problem is with the phrase “any time”. Your ex doesn’t need to change their mind today, tomorrow, or even after they start dating new people… as long as you’re chasing them, they have no urgency to take you back, and you’ll always serve as a backup plan for them.

So when you apply the No Contact strategy, for example, you’re not giving your ex what they want. You’re not giving them an unlimited time frame to test the waters or find someone new, knowing they can just change their mind about breaking up and you’ll readily agree.

Sure, you WOULD agree if they asked, and that doesn’t need to change–but they need to WORRY that you may NOT agree, and feel like the clock is ticking and soon you’ll move on and find someone new, forcing them to commit permanently to the breakup.

The “No Contact” Difference

No Contact upends your ex’s expectations, and forces them to feel the full consequences of breaking up… along with creating uncertainty about what you’re doing and whether you’ll be willing to take them back. It makes you seem like a high value individual.

That can often, by itself, change your ex’s mind about breaking up — in fact, I see it all the time when my coaching clients use No Contact.

Their ex will often panic after a week or two of silence, and realize that this might be permanent unless they change their mind soon, and they then buckle under the pressure and fear of loss.

Again, No Contact is a perfect example of not chasing your ex… and yet still improving the chances of getting back together. Similarly, that’s why I recommend strategies like what I call “Covert Jealousy” and even stuff as minute as waiting a few hours to respond to your ex’s text messages can make a big difference and ensure you’re not chasing your ex and letting them take the driver’s seat.

Sending your ex gifts, flowers, or love notes… these are signs of desperation, and they’re going to come across to your ex as though you’re chasing after them.

And while there may be 1 in a thousand cases where spilling out your heart in a long love letter to your ex will actually work and help you win them back, the other 999 times out of a thousand, it’ll be a turn-off for your ex and shift the balance of power further in their favour.

If you want to do that kind of thing — gush your heart out to your ex, get down on your knees and beg them to forgive you, show up at their door with a ring and propose–do it knowing that it’s only to satisfy your need to share your feelings or to ensure you don’t regret not doing so down the road.

Because in terms of how effective that kind of thing is to actually convincing your ex to take you back… well, it’s just not effective at all, and I’m saying that after 13 years of experience working with clients in this exact situation.

Is Chasing Your Ex EVER A Good Idea?

Maybe you’re left wondering… are there any times where chasing your ex CAN be a good idea? What if your ex is the type of person who WANTS to be chased, and will get angry or resentful if you DON’T put in the effort to chase them and ‘play the game’, so to speak, like they want you to?

Frankly, that kind of situation is more about your ex’s ego and desire to feel wanted than anything else. Generally speaking, you don’t want to play ball regardless of what your ex wants, although sometimes you might need to sort of ‘throw them a bone’ every now and then to keep them from becoming genuinely angry that you’re not initiating contact enough or trying to keep their attention.

But overall, no, there’s almost no situation where chasing your ex is a good idea if you are hoping to get them back.

And let me share one final reason not to chase your ex, beyond everything I’ve already talked about: it’s going to hurt your own self-esteem, and it could possibly even cause people around you to lose respect for you.

Strong, confident people don’t chase after others for long.

They have the confidence and self-belief not to play that game, and the willpower and discipline to use proven effective strategies like No Contact and everything else I teach in my Ex Factor program.

They adopt a mindset of, “my ex made a mistake breaking up with me, and I hope they realize that before I find someone new”… they have pride and won’t let themselves be used, manipulated, or strung along by an ex even if they love them and miss them.

So, by not chasing your ex, you greatly improve your chances of actually getting them back, and you’re taking the high road and showcasing your confidence and self-worth to everyone around you… including your ex.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO ONE

Natasha Adamo — Wed, 15 Sep 2021 06:49:54 GMT

Knowing how to enjoy your own company is something that will immediately:

Change your life and luck.
Improve the quality of your relationships.
Rid your life of emotional vampires in a drama-free way.
Guarantee that you will no longer be needy and dependent on anyone to dictate your worth, mental/physical health, and happiness.

You are only considered “needy” when you put your fundamental emotional needs in the hands of anyone other than yourself.

When you truly know how to enjoy your own company, you are immune to a “needy” label.

Narcissists and other toxic types start to WISH someone like you needed them.

And those who are emotionally and empathetically available start to WANT you because you are now attractive to them.

It is a self-made, self-imposed league of your own. It is also the foundation of emotional entrepreneurism.

There is a big difference between being wanted and needed; between genuinely wanting someone and needing their physical presence (even though they may be emotionally absent) like you need oxygen to survive.

You’re still reading this post because you have, with the best of intentions, willingly given over the keys to a one-of-a-kind, priceless vehicle that only YOU are meant to drive.

You may have moved over to the passenger’s seat or have been demoted to the back seat.

Maybe you’re being held hostage in the trunk.

You may have been kicked out of the proverbial car altogether and now find yourself hitch-hiking on the road of life; always talking like Uncle Rico in Napolean Dynamite about the “good ol’ days” when you had a priceless vehicle that could have taken you ANYWHERE.

Yet, here you are. Stuck.

It’s always everyone else’s fault. Ask me how I know (I have a doctorate in emotional and relational hitch-hiking).

You may have convinced yourself that you don’t know how to drive; that you can only rev up the engine to attract a driver and then, acquiesce to the passenger’s seat of your own life’s journey.

It’s time to get yourself in the driver’s seat. Whether it’s for the first time or vowing that this is the last time you will ever be displaced.

Learning how to enjoy your own company after a breakup, with no friends, at school, or even just at home starts with taking a look into your past.

Like I always say, no one had the perfect parent and no one will be the perfect parent.

Your parents did the absolute best that they could.

If your parents were consistently toxic and unavailable, if they threw money at problems instead of their attention and emotional availability; if they made you feel like you had to work for their love… that was their best.

It had nothing to do with you or your lack of worth.

As a defenseless and voiceless child, you were worthy of their unconditional love but instead, you were primed to perform for crumbs of approval.

Now, as an adult, you feel unworthy of unconditional love from the only person who will ever matter more than all the others: YOURSELF.

I used to internalize the ability of one of my parents to be everything I wished they’d be with me, but only with everyone else. This wounded me. As an adult, my solution was triangulation – in my relationships with family, friends, and lovers. It was the only way I could numb the pain of never being “good enough” to have a crumb of a cookie that was my birthright.

So what did I end up doing?

I made good people feel like they had to compete for my respect, loyalty, love, time, and attention.
I lied compulsively.
I lived in constant drama and denial.
I contradicted everything I supposedly stood for and copied everyone around me because I had no sense of who I was without the physical company, influence, and approval of others.
I was disloyal to loyal people.
I had to always show (via social media and other ways) how many friends I had.
This is all very embarrassing for me to admit, but things like hooking up with guys, the number of “BFFS” I could acquire, social status, and material purchases (that I could not afford) were what I used to measure how “not alone” I was.

I couldn’t stand being alone because I didn’t know how to enjoy my own company.

What I didn’t realize is that all of the above were trauma-response coping mechanisms. They were merely ways to evade the truth and perpetuate denial. They were tiny (and very damaging) bandages that I would put on the metastatic CANCER of my inability to be alone, with myself and my thoughts.

I think the answers to questions we have regarding unrelenting emotional pain, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, bad relational luck, etc., in our adulthood, can almost always be found by taking a look at our childhood.

It’s about taking a look at trauma we’ve experienced and abandonment we’ve felt with the curiosity and enthusiastic inquisition of an archeologist (and the end result of empowerment). Instead of the impulsive habit to disempower and reduce ourselves to a helpless victim so that we can then shame, punish, and label ourselves into an inescapable prison of mediocrity.

I was raised around a lot of anxious attachment. Because of this, I wasted my life trying to avoid my own company – with friends, activities, engaging in stupid, time-wasting drama, showboating, phone and technology usage; the list goes on and on.

When it comes to knowing how to enjoy your own company, the truth is, you could be surrounded by countless family and friends. You could be the most popular person at school, in your community, or at work.

You could also, have no one in your life to call or to grab dinner with. No one that checks on you to make sure you’re doing okay or even reciprocates one fraction of what you give to them with all the love in your heart.

The point is, you could have no family and no friends. Or, you could have a very big, loving, or maybe even toxic family and fake friends. Either way, if the denominator of your dis-ease and pain is loneliness, it will feel just as paralyzing for the person who has everything you wish you did as it does for you.

You don’t know how to enjoy your own company because every time you tried to develop that skill as a child, you were disempowered in some way. You were so hungry for approval and validation, without it, the loneliness was too consuming and painful. You may have been made to feel like you were worthless by someone you looked up to and trusted.

This initiated a need to essentially find others to save you from yourself.

Now that we have identified the root cause of why you don’t know how to enjoy your own company, let’s get into how you go about improving the quality of the one relationship you can never afford to lose.

How do you learn to enjoy your own company? Is there a way to learn how to enjoy your own company without friends or after a breakup?

If you do a simple internet search of “how to enjoy your own company,” you’ll find many of the same suggestions.

“Have conversations with yourself.”
“Take yourself out on a date!”
“Clear your mind.”
“Appreciate all of the little things.”
“Plan a trip and go alone.”
“Accept and let go of the past.”
“Forgive yourself.”
“Get a weighted blanket and make yourself a nourishing meal.”

All of these are great suggestions. I didn’t want to waste time going into suggestions like these because they’re all over the internet.

Recently, I read a few quotes by Tom Hardy and they were much more accessible. They spoke to me more than any of the above suggestions. I may not agree with everything Tom is saying, but at least these quotes got the wheels turning. And after reading every one of them, I was either saying, “Yes!!” or Amen!”

“Weak people always have to be in a relationship so they can feel important and loved. Once you know how to enjoy your own company, being single becomes a privilege.” – Tom Hardy. I wouldn’t make a blanket statement that someone who always has to be in a relationship is weak. It’s definitely unhealthy and a red flag, but who am I to label anyone as weak? I chose to include this quote regardless because I can say that for me, personally, when I always had to be in a relationship of some kind to feel like I mattered, it was because I was weak. I had allowed the past to define me (and subsequently drain and break me down; I wasn’t strong). When you know how to enjoy your own company, being single becomes a privilege because you’re back in the driver’s seat. You are calm, never impulsive or frantic, because you know what you will and will not accept. As I’ve always said, the number one symptom of standard-setting is loneliness. But when you’re back in the proverbial driver’s seat and know how to enjoy your own company, you can still feel lonely without defining yourself as worthless and unworthy of high-quality company. You know what to do when loneliness hits because you are your own best friend. And you’ve stopped settling because you know that you can never “settle” your way into being, experiencing, and having everything that you want and deserve.

“Being alone for a while is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people anymore.” – Tom Hardy. I would change this to, “you don’t want to waste your time with TOXIC people anymore.” Toxic people get their validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs. When you realize that you actually feel more alone in relationships with toxic people than if you were physically alone, you start to prioritize your peace. When peace is prioritized, it becomes protected. And when it’s protected you start to build self-respect; you realize that you’ve been with your best friend all along (you).

“People don’t understand that sitting in your house alone in peace, eating snacks and minding your own business is f*cking priceless.” – Tom Hardy. Yup. I couldn’t agree with this anymore or have said it any better.

You are here because you want to know HOW to enjoy your own company; I’m going to tell you how. You need to realize that there is not ONE person on this ENTIRE PLANET who has been with you through every.damn.thing.

Not ONE person who knows EVERY SINGLE detail, secret, failure, embarrassing habit, success, rejection, pain, trauma, and the shame from it all.

The ONLY person who knows ALL of that and has STILL MANAGED to keep your heart beating in spite of all of the abuse, stress, and living with a limiting label that was never yours to adopt is YOU.

Don’t you deserve some self-respect? Don’t you deserve to care for and love yourself – instead of looking to others to do it for you?

No one is going to save you from yourself. No one is going to heal your past for you because no one has actually walked in your shoes but YOU.

The moment you realize that you are your own leader, savior, best friend, healer, “driver,” protector, and greatest love, THEN AND ONLY THEN can you start to enjoy your own company and be more choosy with who gets time with you (because you love YOUR TIME with YOU).

I think that knowing how to enjoy your own company is an art. It’s taken me so many years but finally, I am no longer at odds with myself. This was facilitated by realizing how much my “self” had done for me all those years when I did nothing but abuse, sabotage, undermine, and limit her.

Now, I have that weighted blanket. I love taking myself on dates. It’s no longer arduous but actually nice to treat myself to little indulgences and nourish my body with yummy food. It’s impossible to just skip to these things. Things like a weighted blanket, taking yourself out on dates, etc., are what NATURALLY happen when you do the necessary work and build off of the right foundation.

Now, if I go out to dinner by myself, I don’t need to be on my phone or squirm around because I’m uncomfortable.

I am my own best friend, first and foremost.

We choose a family for ourselves in our partner and our friends. If you feel like you want to start choosing more wisely, then it’s time to start treating yourself with more respect.

I used to tolerate disrespect because I was dishonoring and disrespecting myself at every turn. When you stop trying to educate people into being what your ego needs them to be and start GIVING YOURSELF everything that ONLY YOU know you need, you won’t feel guilty about walking away from users because you no longer tolerate anyone who treats you any less than you are consistently treating yourself.

If I can do this, so can YOU.

You got this and are never, ever alone.

x Natasha

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

STAGES OF A BREAKUP: WHAT TO EXPECT ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Natasha Adamo — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 04:02:55 GMT

When I think of the Stages of a Breakup, I immediately think of the Five Stages of Grief. If you’re not familiar with the Five Stages of Grief, I’m sure you’ve at least heard of it before.

Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced these stages in her book (published in 1969) On Death and Dying. This book (which included the Five Stages of Grief) was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Kubler-Ross’s model hypothesizes that people in the thrones of grief experience a series of five emotions, or “stages”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

If you’d like to look more in-depth at these stages, see studies refuting and supporting this massively influential concept and get more information, you can easily do your own research online. David Kessler, who co-authored a book with Kubler-Ross, recently wrote about the “Sixth Stage” of Grief he discovered: Meaning.

After the death of his son, David was heartbreakingly affirmed firsthand just how non-linear, not progressive, and unpredictable the process really is.

I am not a doctor, a medical professional, or a professional who is licensed or certified in anything (and I’ve never claimed to be or presented myself as such). My education has come from life experiences, not a classroom. I have the utmost respect for the psychological and psychiatric professional community and am honored to work with many people around the world from the professional community.

Although I have not run clinical studies in a scholastic environment, I have survived people, relationships, situations, and circumstances that I was convinced I couldn’t.

I have gone to war with parts of myself that for years, I was too ashamed to acknowledge. And although I am still very much a work in progress, I have come out on the other end.

Currently, I work with clients in 31 countries around the world – many of whom are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that wasn’t supposed to ever go away. I have not only been emotionally suicidal myself, but I talk to people every day who are emotionally suicidal due to the soul-shattering pain of a breakup with a selfish, emotionally unintelligent individual who lacks self-awareness, empathy, maturity, and a life outside of their egoic needs. They may also believe that the truth has versions.

I see the Stages of a Breakup that people are in, in real-time, every day.

Through the years, I have noticed many common denominators when it comes to the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex.

I define a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs.

Holes can be poked in literally anything and there are exceptions to every rule.

Yes, people of all genders, orientations, and circumstances experience many specific differences. But I have noticed that pain is pain; an investment in a relational Ponzi scheme will never elicit consistent returns, and it’s a lot of the same bullsh*t – just different body parts and dynamics.

I write from the perspective of a straight woman because it’s the only authentic perspective that I can write from. But I feel as though these Stages of a Breakup that I’ve come up with (after going through it myself many times myself and coaching thousands of people around the world), are very common when it comes to breakups with a toxic ex.

Whether it’s a breakup in a romantic relationship, a friendship, with a family member, a coworker, etc., toxic people have a way of making us feel like we were nothing more than a doormat-launching-pad. A doormat whose not-enoughness, launched them into profound change and evolution, relational success, and a happier life now that we are no longer in it.

The Stages of a Breakup are definitely NOT linear; you may not experience all of them.

And just when you get to one stage, you may fall back into a stage you already feel like you’ve gone through.

That’s okay.

The truth really does set you free. But if you’ve never known the peace, indifference, freedom, and joy of emotional independence, you will always find yourself returning to the shackles of relational toxicity.

No matter what you believe you deserve in this life…

If you’re more familiar with toxic relationships than you are with healthy, reciprocal ones, certainty will always take precedence over the courage to act on healthy boundaries. Even if it’s reaffirming the certainty of your own pain, perceived worthlessness, and suffering.

This breakup has made you forget just how resilient and irreplaceable you really are.

It’s time to refresh your memory.

The Stages of a Breakup are here are as a guide to frame, identify, and break down what you may be feeling and experiencing.

What are the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex?

1. Limiting Your Relationship With Reality

In order for your ex to be able to continue living on in your head and heart as someone worthy of your time, attention, and love (and also, capable of changing), you need to actively limit your relationship with reality.

Why?

Subscribing to reality is painful; the truth hurts and right now, it’s too painful to accept.

2. Cherry-Picking the Good

We cherry-pick the good times of the relationship and the decent qualities of our ex. We then, amplify those little bits of decency – all while turning our back to non-negotiable bullsh*t at every turn.

We do this because we are more focused on the high of satiation (from a little crumb of “good”) than we are interested in (subscribing to reality) and addressing the shame of starvation (how hungry we have to be for a CRUMB of decency to satiate us).

3. Show Them What They’re Missing While “Healing”

As far as the Stages of a Breakup go, this one makes me laugh because I’ve done is so many times in so many different (embarrassing) ways.

Whether it’s on social media or through mutual friends, we indirectly try to show our toxic ex what their missing on a superficial level while trying to heal on a substantial level.

I’ve tried acupuncture, reiki, Eat Pray Love, yoga, meditation, you name it. This was all happening AS I WAS attention mongering at every turn; putting on an indirect performance to get a crumb of validation from an ex who couldn’t even self-validate.

4. Rationalizing Friendship

There’s no reason we can’t be friends… right?

Wrong.

Yet, we continue to try and put the square peg into the round hole.

Because we have limited our relationship with reality, we can’t see nor accept that our ex was NEVER a true friend to us. So, we expect them to be capable of a mutual and reciprocal friendship just because they are no longer our partner.

This makes no sense. You aren’t that powerful that your (perceived) worthlessness could make an emotionally and empathetically connected, responsible adult completely disconnect and abandon their moral code JUST BECAUSE they are in a relationship with you.

5. Checking up, Stalking, and Obsessing

Nothing ignites stalking and obsession more than a toxic person rejecting us. Of all the Stages of a Breakup, this is one of the most difficult to get past.

Never has it been so easy to check up on an ex (without directly contacting them) as it is today. Checking up soon turns into a full-blown stalking obsession. We check their social media multiple times a day, drive by their house, etc. all to try and maintain a pulse in an already confirmed dead-end relationship.

6. Falling off Your White Horse

We “check up” (social media stalk) so much (or we hear something from a mutual friend) that we get triggered enough to react when something shakes us to our core. Staying on your white horse Is emotional intelligence; it’s non-reactivity.

By allowing our emotional triggers to dictate our actions, we inevitably fall off our white horse and break the promises we’ve tried to keep to ourselves. This creates a great deal of shame and embarrassment because it feels like our ex now has “the power.”

We then try to give our reactivity a purpose via closure-seeking.

7. Closure-Seeking

With all the different Stages of a Breakup, this one can feel the most out of control and hopeless.

Bottom line: As long as your self-esteem is low and your ex’s level of toxicity is high, you will not only feel desperate for closure, but you’ll feel like only they can give you the closure you need to healthily move on. The thing is, if someone treated you so poorly that you start going on a closure expedition, you actually have the key to your own prison cell. Their hurtful behavior IS your closure.

You can’t expect someone who was consistently immature, disrespectful, and dishonest to now, all of a sudden be mature, respectful, honest, and able to value you, all in the name of closure.

If this could actually happen, exes around the world would be giving closure and I would be out of work.

8. Self-Sabotage

Because of how poorly the closure-seeking made us feel, we try to “get back out there” and socialize, go out, maybe even date.

This is about as effective as putting a bandage on cancer.

But because this relationship has drained you of your sense of reality and self, you end up attracting people, circumstances, situations, and events that affirm your negative belief system. You look for erasers everywhere but all you end up finding are people and situations that highlight the absence of your ex.

9. Disgust

Of all the stages of a breakup, this is my favorite one because once you get here, there’s no going back.

You FINALLY get to a point where you become so disgusted, you just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Your emotional gag reflex has kicked in with both your ex and their toxicity, along with YOUR OWN toxicity that you are now able to own and identify.

10. Forgiveness

To me, forgiveness is adjusted boundaries rooted in acceptance. You accept who your ex has unfolded to be.

You accept what you did/did not do and you adjust your boundaries accordingly because you prioritize your peace over the chaos and crumbs of relational amateur hour.

This is how you give your pain a purpose. It’s how you can USE other people’s toxicity to get you out of your own, once and for all.

It’s how you accept that some people are lessons, some relationships are mirrors, and until you are willing to compassionately address the person staring back at you, you will never be free.

If you want “revenge,” prioritize your peace. Toxic exes do not realize the shackles they are in until they see you unlock your own.

I will be digging much deeper into these stages soon. This is just an introduction to help you identify where you’re at and affirm that you are not alone.

x Natasha

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

By: Shiloh

Shiloh — Tue, 13 Oct 2020 17:59:39 GMT

Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

My name is Kevin Thompson, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.

I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly. (Why should you trust me or the advice on this page? Because we have over 11 years of experience and we strive to keep all the information accurate and helpful. Read more about me, this website and our editorial policy over here.)

Who this article is for?

This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you have been through a breakup and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.

Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together and make you feel miserable.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my eleven years of experience helping people with breakups).

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. It also includes case studies that you can read by clicking on them. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

Content:

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.

That’s the story of majority of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, I can get him back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

A study done by Dr Katherine Carnelle, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD, clearly suggests that most people will choose a secure partner for a relationship over someone who is insecure.

If you take a deep breath and think about it, you will realize that anything that makes you look insecure is only going to push your ex away. Begging, texting them constantly and overall being desperate are signs of insecurity and it’s not going to make your ex feel attracted to you or think about getting back together.

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

According to Ryan Howes, PhD, and PsychCentral, every healthy relationship has boundaries. And if you don’t have boundaries or self-respect in your relationship, you are most likely going to end up in an unhealthy relationship.

Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Whatever reasons they have for breaking up with you will not just magically disappear because you love them. Showering them with affection is not going to change their mind.

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).

And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding the grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

In most cases, they will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read Common Patterns of a Rebound Relationship. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger

Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.

It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.

If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.

Conflicts should not always lead to fights, anger or name-calling. I highly recommend that you try to learn healthy communications. Read books on communication, get therapy if needed. If you feel lost or confused and need help figuring out what to do next, consider getting relationship coaching

Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.

But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors (because of all the shouting) and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other, they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry

Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.

Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

“Will my ex come back?”
“Is my ex missing me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What can I do to get him back instantly?”
“Will she start dating someone already?”
“She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
“My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

Your anxiety and your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

Most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through and panicking. In fact, a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process.

If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example,

If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message after no contact. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.

“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

No Calling
No Texting
No Facebook Messaging
No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For these three reasons

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.

Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

If you were with your ex for a considerable amount of time, you may have developed an identity that is connected to two people. Once you start no contact, you may feel uncomfortable, anxious or have a sense of emptiness being by yourself. You may feel like you have lost your identity, like a part of you is missing.

According to a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationship, this feeling is usually associated with the desire of getting an ex back and is more common amongst anxiously attached individuals. That means if you were anxious in your relationship with your ex, you are more likely to feel incomplete after the breakup and that getting them back will make you whole again.

However, getting them back just because you feel incomplete is not a healthy decision. Instead, use this time to learn to love yourself, understand your anxiety, learn to manage it on your own and learn to be whole again without being in a relationship.

As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).

Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.

If you want to heal from the breakup, you must stop adding to the stress that is caused by staying in touch with your ex directly or indirectly. One study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains how stalking your ex on Social Media can be a significant source of distress to individuals.

And as long as you are in distress, you won’t be able to grow or become a better version of yourself. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just stop contact with your ex, heal from the breakup and become more confident before you start talking to your ex again?

(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember, by doing no contact, you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own well-being over your ex. And there is nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. (Read: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex)

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during no contact?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?
What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.

If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.

My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.

If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.

And it didn’t work.

The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.

Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.

And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.

You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.

This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

They might start contacting you every day.
They might get angry.
They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.

(Read more about signs during no contact rule here.)

Case Study: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.

Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.

Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.

When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.

Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.

He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.

A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.

The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.

She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.

Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.

She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.

He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.

“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”

This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.

He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.

Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.

“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer

STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.

If you want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.

But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.

You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.

Here’s how you can do that.

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do.

Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.

Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help a lot when it comes to regaining your composure during stressful times.

Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and ,in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits

In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.

Controlling Nature
Extreme Jealousy
Insecurity
Lack of Passion
Low Self-Esteem
Lack of Personal Hygiene
Lack of Motivation in Life
Lack of Communication Skills
Lack of Social Skills
Inability to Trust
Inability to Commit

If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist. If you are unsure if therapy is for you, read this article on healthline about the benefits of talk therapy.

I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love my ex.

I can’t live without my ex.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.

However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.

Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss your ex after you’ve been with them for a long time.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.

You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now.

So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.

And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.

Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It

Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.

There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.

But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.

Attraction
Connection
Or Trust

For example,

You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.

You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup

If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.

If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.

“Without the self-reflection and growth by each, we can predict that couples who reconcile will return to old patterns after a honeymoon period, and will ultimately break up again, permanently.” Dr. Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT told Ex Back Permanently.

And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.

It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Analyzing the breakup to figure out what went wrong can also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a research by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra PhD, published on Sagepub.)

Case Study: He Came Back, But it Was No Happy Ending

Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.

If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say

“Obsessed with her ex.”

She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.

She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.

Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.

Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.

She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.

That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.

Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.

A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.

They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.

The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.

This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.

Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.

Update: Therapy helped Margarete and she got her ex back in a healthy relationship. She had a serious conversation with him about the issues in the relationship. And it motivated her ex to work on his issues as well. I teach how to have such conversation with an ex in EBP Advanced.

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.

After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.

They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.

They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.

That’s the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?

The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking. And they can always tell if you are faking.

So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

You followed the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
You have made a few positive changes in your life.
You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?

The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.

This message has three purposes.

To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.

To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.

To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.

You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

You want to give them something to chew on.

They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.

Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.

If you want a sample message written for you, you can download my free report “5 Elephant in the room texts” by clicking here.

Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.

Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.

He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.

In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.

Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.

Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.

He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.

When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.

He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.

I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.

He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.

The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.

When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.

They got back together after she broke up with her ex.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages.

You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both.

In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.

If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.

But if you don’t have an option, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)

Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.

Texting Rule: Never send them an empty message.

An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

Texting Rule: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Texting Rule: Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. And since you have a LOT of experience traveling there, I thought I’ll ask you. Do you have any recommendation for some fun activities we can do? I am thinking about Zip-lining but I am not sure if it will be worth it since we only have the weekend. ”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.

Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.

After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date.

I repeat.

Do not call it a date.

If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.

At least not now.

You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.

And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.

Why?

Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.

It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.

Don’t say something like.

”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”

“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.

Case Study: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along

Mindy’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.

They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.

But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.

He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.

But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.

Mindy kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Mindy felt rejected and lost hope.

The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Mindy found out later).

He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.

And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Mindy because he wanted to keep her as an option.

He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Mindy eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.

When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Mindy was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.

Mindy decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.

Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.

They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.

And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.

To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.

Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst

When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.

So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.

Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.

You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.

Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex

Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,

“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”

How does that make you feel?

It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.

But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?

If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.

Be on The Lookout For Sh*t Tests

There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.

They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons.

For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.

If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.

It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.

Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. Remember, boundaries are important. Your own well-being and happiness is more importnt than getting your ex back. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.

It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.

Case Study: Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.

Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.

After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.

She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.

When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.

When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,

“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”

The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.

Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much that sentence affected her.

“You shouldn’t keep your hopes up”

The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.

The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.

Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.

This test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.

But she didn’t, and she failed the test.

Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.

Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person as well?

If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?

Have an Equal Relationship

You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.

You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.

This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.

If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.

Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone

One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.

You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.

You should respectful, but you should also flirt.

In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.

Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.

Bonus Step: Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past eleven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period, heal from the breakup and teach you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. The EBP Basics Quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!

Mary McAllistor

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

*You can unsubscribe at any time.
**There will be no spam. I promise.

*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

References:

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Carnelley, K. B. (1994). Gender and working models of attachment: Consequences for perceptions of self and romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 1(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00055.x

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours

Park, J., Wood, J., Bondi, C., Del Arco, A., and Moghaddam, B. (2016). Anxiety Evokes Hypofrontality and Disrupts Rule-Relevant Encoding by Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex Neurons. J Neurosci 36, 3322–3335. https://www.jneurosci.org/content/36/11/3322

Veronika Lukacs & Anabel Quan-Haase (2015) Romantic breakups on Facebook: new scales for studying post-breakup behaviors, digital distress, and surveillance, Information, Communication & Society, 18:5, 492-508, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118X.2015.1008540

Cope MA, Mattingly BA. Putting me back together by getting back together: Post-dissolution self-concept confusion predicts rekindling desire among anxiously attached individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):384-392. doi:10.1177/0265407520962849

Kupeli, N., Schmidt, U. H., Campbell, I. C., Chilcot, J., Roberts, C. J., & Troop, N. A. (2018). The impact of an emotionally expressive writing intervention on eating pathology in female students. Health psychology and behavioral medicine, 6(1), 162–179. https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2018.1491797

https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-therapy

Larson GM, Sbarra DA. Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):399-406. doi:10.1177/1948550614563085

By: Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson — Thu, 17 Sep 2020 05:41:00 GMT

Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

Who this article is for?

Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my eleven years of experience helping people with breakups).

Content:

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.

Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, I can get him back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

A study done by Dr Katherine Carnelle, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD, clearly suggests that most people will choose a secure partner for a relationship over someone who is insecure.

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger

It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.

If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.

Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.

Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

“Will my ex come back?”
“Is my ex missing me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What can I do to get him back instantly?”
“Will she start dating someone already?”
“She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
“My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example,

If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

No Calling
No Texting
No Facebook Messaging
No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For these three reasons

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).

Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.

(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. (Read: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex)

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

What if my ex moves on during no contact?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?
What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.

And it didn’t work.

Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.

And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.

This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

They might start contacting you every day.
They might get angry.
They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.