I think I’m ready. I’ve got my pajamas buttoned up tight and a nice tall drink. Let’s do this.

Adam: Okay, so Kree started it off with a little Sarah McLachlan, minus the sad images of abandoned puppies. More like Sarah McROCKlan, because Kree rocked that puppy. Understated, for once. That really kind of kicked ass. Great way to start for Kree, I say.

It’s interesting to me that you liked it because I felt it was a bit boring and by a bit I mean A LOT. I’m also interested in what the judges have to say about it except not really. Adam, don’t tell anyone I said this but I think Nikki looks pretty tonight. shhh….

Candice is singing “Chasing Pavement.” I love that she has that Jill Scott vibe when she sings, her voice is just incredible but I was not blown away, by any means. Although, her boots? THEY FANCY.

Adam: But I’m not sure they were made for walking. Anyway, I’m just so disappointed that we’re at my floor. I hate to step off this elevator. Its music is oh so pretty. Oh, wait . . . that was Candice? Oh. Hmm. Okay. Also, Mariah. Beyond what, you raving pile of done?

Adam: In the second round, Kree hit us with “All Cried Out,” which I believe is an original song. I won’t comment on the song itself other than to say that it seemed to expose the weaknesses in Kree’s voice, even though I actually liked the way she expressed herself vocally. Other than the whole, you know, pitch thing.

You are a smart, smart fellow. I could not agree more. Maybe her ears were broken? Or maybe OUR ears are broken? Either way. I need ice cream.

Candice is singing “I am beautiful.” I think it’s so unfair to Kree and Candice that the best original song EVER went to Phillip Phillips last year. Too bad for them. I didn’t hate that song but I did not fall in love with it.

Adam: I agree, and I kind of think they should have abandoned the original song category this time based on that premise. Too much to live up to. This was a complete yawner. I guess the performance was fine. I’ve already forgotten it.

On to Kree III. She’s singing a Patty Griffin song, which is always a good choice, even when not in the shower. It was good. Not great. I really really really love the song, and I only really really liked the performance. Still. Very nice. I don’t know if it’s championship-quality, but it was nice.

I agree with you AND Randy. It was very nice and definitely her best performance of the night. But I’m not sure that’s saying too much.

Candice is performing “I Have Nothing,”now here’s a performance that actually grabbed my attention. Even the Coke-inspired stage graphics didn’t annoy me because I enjoyed this performance so much. Well done. Great way to end the show.

Adam: That? Was the sound of winning.

And here’s a cutie photo of my babies I took last month. I’m still around, working, being a Mom, taking a photos…

Oh AND I posted on my BFP blog about a labor and almost-delivery that I photographed in the fall.

OH OH OH and Clara is a toddler.

I’m so excited for this show that I drank four times as much alcohol just to get me through.

Adam: Amber is starting us off with The Power of Love, which wasn’t slow and dramatic enough when Celine Dion originally sang it, apparently. Vocally, it was pretty great. But I hope I never have to listen to it again.

And Keith Urban sounds like the fifth Wiggle.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m going to listen to it four more times. Not because it was so great but because I keep falling asleep. (also, notice the number four appearing. AGAIN.)

How can I not say anything about Candice’s earrings? They are BY FAR the largest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Notice I did not say the largest earrings. THE LARGEST THINGS EVER. She’s performing a song I’ve never heard before which is fine except it wasn’t super catchy to me. She sounded good but this performance was nothing special.

Adam: Candice appears to have discovered what I didn’t know: that the hottest thing in America right now is smooth jazz. I’m so excited to know this now.

Kree is about to sing “It Hurts So Bad,” and I really hope that’s not supposed to be some kind of warning to my ears. I also have to mention Kree totally missed the memo about the giant, scene-stealing earrings, instead opting for leather pants. Um. I’m not sure that was wise. Oh, and she sang. I didn’t really feel it.

I agree with you. Boring. Red shirt. Black pants. Regular-sized earrings. Blah performance. Now we have to suffer through Mariah speaking. This is the worst night ever.

Angie’s performance…hmmm…I was all excited to talk about All the Teeth but then her performance confused me. I kinda really liked it and I sorta hated it. I don’t know, Adam. You tell me what I thought about that performance. I’m begging you.

Adam: I’ll tell you, Beth . . .

Wait for it . . .

Angie is Colton Dixon. That is why we hate that shit.

While the duets are going on, I just want to say that the three non-Randy judges have a remarkable knack for taking turns making love to the camera. It’s obscene. And hilarious. They’re such attention whores. Randy’s too cool for that scene. That’s all.

Speaking of Randy being cool, he looks very Arthur Fonzarelli tonight with his low cut shirt. I think I saw a chest hair. Yes, just one.

Adam: Oh, Amber. No. I can’t talk to you. Beth? Can you do me a favor? If one of the judges calls this performance “current,” will you use some weapon to kill me right now? Something current, like a mace, an arrowhead, or a catapult? Dear lord, why am I not dead already?

Oh, crap. Randy said she was current, I have to go grab my arrowhead. It was nice knowing you, Adam. That performance was not enjoyable for me at all. Especially her shoesbootssandals.

So, Candice is singing Emotion. First, well, forget it, I can’t be clever. She sounded good but again, I wasn’t blown away. Not even an inch away.

Adam: It sucked. It shouldn’t have happened in nineteen-seventy-never, and it shouldn’t have happened today. Oh, and you know that thing where you watch a DVD and forget to press the stop button and there’s some awful sound at the end of the credits? Mariah talking is that. The cue that I forgot to press the skip button.

Kree is singing A Tireder Shade of Bored. Even her diamond shoes were boring. Blah. It was so blah. When was this song a hit? What was wrong with you when this song qualified as a hit, America? I give up. I have no hope for this season.

Oh man. This song hurt my head and probably my ears. I’m sad because I like Kree but she was so disappointing and just so just top 10 this week, not final four.

Angie is singing Cry Me a River. Adam, there has been a LOT of (p)leather on this show tonight. And also tears. Mine. And yours. Tonight’s show was not good. I’m wondering if anyone will agree with us tonight? Or are we just grouchy old men who should be in bed by 7pm?

Adam: No, we’re not grouchy old men. If we were grouchy old men, we may have looked up with glee from our shuffleboard match at the dulcet tones of OLD FART NIGHT.

That’s all for tonight. Join us next week when we take a shot of tequila for every time someone wears large earrings, wears pleather and #INITTOWINIT appears on the screen.

Who’s going home?

Adam: Kree
Beth: Kree

I am so excited to announce the winners to The Vintage Pearl giveaway. I loooved so many of your selections. First, I wanted to share with you my choice. Erin asked me to choose any piece and, as you can imagine, it was not an easy choice, however, I knew I wanted a new ring so once I saw this, I just knew.

When it arrived and fit so perfectly, my heart felt so very happy. It’s amazing how a simple piece of jewelry can feel so good in your heart…

Except, it’s more than that. When you can personalize something, the power it holds is truly unbelievable. It really is the perfect gift.

Now onto the lucky winners:

Congratulations! The winners have been contacted and should check your email!

Thanks again to The Vintage Pearl for a sweet giveaway.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Beth: hmmm…I can see where you’re coming from. Now, when you say diva battle, you mean between Mariah and Randy, right? The thing about singing songs from the year the contestants were born is that HOLY CRAP WE ARE OLD.

Adam: Um . . . I meant between the two of us, but whatevs. I will say that Keith Urban gives us absolutely nothing to make fun of with his wardrobe. T-shirt. Jeans. Okay. It was nice of the rest of the judges to dress as extras from the “Beat It” video.  Anyway. Candice.

Straight Up? Definitely a wise choice if for no other reason than that she won’t have to worry about being unfavorably compared to the original vocal (Oh, Paula, may you rest in peace). But I really wish Simon were here to call that performance cabaret. I really liked it, but it still seemed pretty safe for Top 5 territory.

Beth: I miss Simon. Thanks for bringing him up, now I’m crying. I enjoyed the performance but wasn’t blown away.

Janelle is singing a song by Vince Gill because when she was little it would stop her from crying but yeah, you guessed it, IT HAS THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON ME. Boring. Pitchy. Sucky. Just NO. Hey, while we are on the subject of NO, what is going on with Nikki’s boobs, Adam?

Adam: Nikki’s boobs? Hmm . . . I hadn’t noticed over the screech of her voice and the roar of my own snoring. All I can say is Janelle’s song choice was out of her range (on the low end) and her dress choice was straight out of Barbara Mandrell’s wardrobe. Also, Mariah is still talking. This is the best sleep I’ve gotten in months.

Kree is up next singing “She Talks to Angels” by the Black Crowes, which is one of my favorite songs to sing. She did such a nice job. Nice. A little too nice. It’s supposed to be southern fried rock, and I’m pretty sure that was grilled and healthy and not exactly my cup of beer. I’m a touch disappointed with that one.

Beth: Beer. That’s what I need. I really enjoyed the beginning with just the guitar, to be honest. Too bad it only lasted 24 seconds. The song didn’t hold my attention but what DID hold my attention was the cat fight at the end between Nikki and Mariah.

Angie is performing “I’ll Stand by You” and well, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t hate it but I would never buy that single. Or listen to it for free off of Spotify. I LOVE that the three judges were giving standing ovations and Nikki did not. Dangit, I enjoy Nikki. Adam, what is Mariah always reading when she’s talking? And why is she always talking?

Adam: Mariah is reading War and Peace. Word for word. Without a break. And Nikki can’t stand up because her Coke cup is the only thing covering up the rest of her boobs. Angie overperformed that song almost as much as she overpronounces her T’s.

I can’t believe the show is already done! Amber wraps things up with a song from the year she was born. I’m guessing it will be Call Me, Maybe. No? She’s older than that? Oh, no, she’s choosing a Mariah song to remind her that she’s old. Smart, Amber. Smart. Also, my ears are bleeding.

I would like to take a moment to discuss Amber’s outfit which is a giant “no.” It’s just bad. Is she wearing a sunset? The song started bad, like her shoes but it ended better than I expected. And listen, this is a hard song to sing. I sing it often in the shower and my neighbors always, always complain. Trust me. It’s tricky.

Candice is singing a Whitney and Mariah duet (which I didn’t know existed) for the diva round. Adam, I don’t like divas. Candice is a great performer, I have a hard time believing she won’t win the whole thing but I didn’t LOVE that song OR that performance. Call me crazy.

Adam: Girl, you crazy. Here’s the thing: I remember wanting to love this song when it came out. And I didn’t. I sarcastically said when I heard Candice say she was taking on Mariah and Whitney that I was sure she would do a better job than they did. And then she went and did it. And I loved that. I don’t know. It really connected with me.

Janelle is singing Dumb Blond by Dolly Parton, and, shocked as I am, I love the spirit of this performance. It was fun, but she forced me to take her seriously as an artist. Or at least I obliged on this occasion. I’d vote for that.

Grab some Pabst Blue Ribbon, some peanuts and lets head to the local tavern for some Karaoke. YEEEHAWWW. I did not like this performance. I thought she was so pitchy. Dumb blonde needs to go. K?

Kree performed a Celine Dion song. She sounded good but MEH. But don’t blame Kree, I’m grouchy and tired and why aren’t I sleeping?

Adam: I blame Kree. It was annoying and gross. She needs to stop shaking her head.

If I could be a diva, I’d be Beyonce. Oh, who am I kidding? I kind of am Beyonce. I can’t believe Angie didn’t pick Miley Cyrus. She did okay. Smart choice picking a song without a lot of T’s in it.

So, this was DEFINITELY my favorite Angie performance so far this season. (and by this season I mean these past two weeks). The only thing I did not enjoy was the Bohemian Rhapsody Angie heads floating around in the beginning. That was just creepy.

Amber is performing a very sleepy Barbra Streisand song, let me just grab my blankie and pillow and turn over and go to sleep. I’m not saying Amber didn’t perform that beautifully, because she did, I’m just saying I don’t see that as a top ten any time soon. I’m afraid it’s going to be lost on most of the viewers.

Adam: I really thought it was outstanding. It’s a fine way to exit the show, which I’m afraid she will. But still, she should be proud of that one.

Who’s going home?

Adam: Kree
Beth: Janelle

You can see why I’m so smitten by it.

And look at what’s The Vintage Pearl is offering now – custom jewelry with your child’s handwriting or artwork. GAH. I die.

So when Erin contacted me about working together to celebrate Mother’s Day, I was all in!

And YOU, pretty Mama, can win!

I am giving away one $50 gift certificate to TWO lucky people from The Vintage Pearl. Whether you use it for you (please do), your mom, step-mom, your mother-in-law, your sister, your neighbor, your auntie, your grammie, your nana, your postal carrier, your hair dresser … it’s entirely up to you.

To enter this giveaway, all you have to do is head over the The Vintage Pearl, check out their pretty products and come back and tell me which item is YOUR favorite. (if you win, you can choose anything, it doesn’t have to be the item you tell me about in the comment!)

SECOND CHANCE TO WIN -  tweet or facebook this giveaway and you get a second chance to win. YOU MUST enter a separate comment WITH a link to your tweet or facebook post!

(a simple way to share on Facebook, click on this link and hit share!)

This giveaway will be closed on Monday, April 21st at 5pm CST. Winner will be chosen at random.

Good luck, friends!

(all comments are under moderation. If your comment doesn’t appear right away, do not worry, it will soon. Promise!)

I’ve decided to write you all a letter based on things I’ve learned since becoming a mother. I have four children, the oldest being 10, the youngest is 18 months old. Although I haven’t been a mother as long as many other mothers, I think I’ve earned a place to be able to share some advice that should only help you not only be a better mother but perhaps will also bring you some inner-peace.

1. When grocery shopping, always park next to a cart corral. Forget trying to find the closest space to the door.

2. If your mother-in-law comes over and folds your laundry, don’t get annoyed. She just saved you from folding a load of laundry. I don’t care if she folded it upside-down or inside-out. The job is done. Be grateful.

3. If she wipes your counter tops, mops the floors and cleans your toilets, it’s not because you’re not a good housekeeper, it’s because you’re a good mother.

4. Hand the camera to your husband and ask him to take a photo of you and your little ones. He’s not going to think of it so stop expecting him to, it’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s that his brain doesn’t work that way. Cut him some slack and just ask, you’ll end up getting a photo you’ll always be glad you had.

5. If your child prefers your husband over you sometimes, don’t get sad or hurt, be grateful your child loves his or her father.

6. If your husband tells you you’re beautiful after having a baby, don’t respond with an insult to yourself. He said it because you’re beautiful. Listen to him.

7. If you feel like your mother is advising you as a mother, she’s not judging, she’s helping and she wants to see you succeed. She’ll never stop wanting you to be a successful, happy person. You’ll do the same with your own child someday. Just take a deep breath and say “ok, Mom.” Even if you don’t agree. Your child will do the same with you someday.

8. If you’re pregnant and reading this, after you have your baby, you won’t be the center of attention anymore, your stomach will resemble mashed potatoes and your boobs will swell and hurt like you’ve never felt before. Motherhood is not always pretty. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad. The beginning is so very hard.

9. If you’re pregnant and reading this, I guarantee you think these things won’t happen to you or they won’t be as bad as you think … but they will. (but you still won’t believe me.)

10. If you’ve made a decision to breastfeed, make a commitment to breastfeed. If you decide it doesn’t work for you, it’s more difficult than you thought, it’s just not for you; don’t make excuses, you’re the mother, it’s your decision to make. Own it.

11. It’s okay to want time alone. It’s good to have time alone. For all of you.

12. Don’t ever judge other mothers. When you judge others, your children can hear you. When you love others, your children can hear you AND feel it, too.

13. Don’t ever judge other children.

14. Do something for yourself every single day.

15. Every day, from morning to night, there are people who love you more than they love themselves.  Even with your imperfections, your lack of patience, even without makeup, you are so loved. These people are your children and they are so lucky to have you.

yeah.

So, maybe Adam and I haven’t done such a great job of watching American Idol this season. Maybe we’ve watched a combined 14 minutes so far. Who cares?! We are here to prove to America that we don’t need to fall for Idol and all it’s tricks to make us watch hours and hours and hours and hours and hours to know what’s going on. (America=one reader, just so we are clear.) So, with that, let’s join forces with Randy, Steven and J-Lo and get this party started.

Adam: Spoiler alert, sister: we are pretty fashionably late to this party, and Steven and J-Lo already left. The good news is they’ve been replaced by new people. The bad news is, those people are Nikki Minaj, Keith Urban, and Mariah Carey . . . a veritable yawn sandwich on cuckoo bread. And Randy Jackson, because yo dawg, yo, right?

I think we’re all caught up. Can we vote off Colton again?

Apparently, what we’ve missed so far this season is a lot of drama, tears and Keith Urban with an Australian accent. I’m so confused. Isn’t he from Tennessee?  (it took me 42 seconds to spell Tennessee, FYI.)

Okay, WAIT. Skinny jeans? On Randy Jackson?? I can barely wear skinny jeans and I wear a size 2, 4, 6, SHUT-UP. Anyway, Randy’s stylists need to be fired. Remember last year when he wore a new pin at every show. That was so much better than seeing him in skinny jeans. OMG.

The contestants were just introduced and even though Lazaro is the only guy remaining, he’s decided to dress as a large accent rug. Fashion sure has changed since 2012.

Adam: It’s Halloween, and Randy is dressed as a Pokemon ball. It’s totally cool. I can’t even talk about Lazaro’s couch impression other than to say it’s dead. on. How many hours go by before they sing?

Adam: First up is the runner-up from last year’s Wish I Had Been Named Farrah pageant, Angie. Her rendition of this song is the best I’ve ever heard. It’s also the only one I’ve ever heard. Holy crap, how long have I been frozen in ice? How many times did the 1970s have to come back before that song resurfaced? I don’t get it. I guess her voice was fine. Her hair is nice and poofy. She seems very well spoken for a twelve year old. Are we sure we want to keep watching?

Adam: Lazaro is not a good singer. And, I’m sorry, I’m not inspired by his story. Or his wounded looks. Or his, “Hey, I’m gonna stay upbeat through all of this” smile. But his bow tie? Yes. Vote for the bow tie. I’mma be on my phone, Beth.

Eli has a strong will. He knows what he wants. He knows what he doesn’t want. But he’s also incredibly sweet and snuggly. He’s an amazing sleeper. A great napper (even still). He loves to play bowling, with any object available. He loves raw vegetables and prefers them to pizza. When there are vegetables on his plate, he always, always eats them first. He adores his pacifier and I dread the day when I have to take them away. (but that day is quickly approaching.) He loves, loves his brother and his sisters and loves spending time with people. I can’t believe he’ll be three tomorrow. I also can’t believe he’s still blonde. I never would have dreamed I’d have a blonde child. I absolutely love it.

Today, I took time out of his busy schedule and asked him a few questions before his nap. I think you’ll see that this boy has a serious silly side to him. He’s so much fun and makes us laugh constantly. I love that he’s mine. (this is Eli’s first birthday interview! I look forward to doing many more!)

****

So Eli, what’s tomorrow? Um, my birthday.

How old will you be? 3

How much do you like your pacifier? Two minutes.

What’s your favorite color? blue and blue and blue and blue

Do you like your scooter or your bike? Scooter AND my bike

What’s your favorite food? broccoli and nothing

Do you like pizza? No.

Do you like grilled Cheese? No. Mac and cheese (he loves grilled cheese, by the way)

Do you love peaches? Yes.

Juicy peaches? Yes. I want my pacifier.

Eli, did you know that you’re too old for your paci? No, I’m not too old for my paci, I’m a baby.

Who do you love? Anna and Noah, Daddy, Mommy, Clara and Windy and fruit snacks. And TreyB. (Windy is our cleaning lady, he loves her and the fact that she brings him fruit snacks.) (TreyB is his closest and most beloved cousin.)

Did you go to Chicago? Yes.

What did you do in Chicago? Play with Xavier and mommy took my picture.

Did you have lunch at the Rainforest Cafe? I scared of them.

Of what? Snakes, gorillas and elephants.

Do you want to go back? nope nope nope nope.

nope.

What do you like to do? play bowling.

Is bowling your favorite? Yes.

Are you a good sleeper? Yes.

Who do you sleep with? Louis, my doggie.

Are you cute? Nope.

Are you friendly? nope. I’m a big boy.

Are you handsome? nope.

What’s your name? Eli Harrison crunch.That’s funny. Elijah Harrison Fletcher crunch.

Eli, Mommy loves you. Nope.

Happy Birthday. Happy birthday! Thank you!

I feel like I have a lot of things to share with you guys. Like, some of my new (and old) favorite things.

I’m just hoping to share something with you that you’ll love or that could potentially make you gain 8 pounds because it tastes so good. If that’s what ends up happening, don’t blame me. It’s not my fault.

Speaking of me gaining 8 pounds. I introduce you to my newest addiction:

I have serious mixed feelings about these chips because they’re so good, I wish they didn’t exist. BUT THEY ARE SO GOOD. ugh. SO GOOD.

Seriously.

good.

anyway.

Would you like to gain another five pounds? Yes? *high five* TRY THIS!

Now, this business is the creamiest most delicious ice cream treat I know right now. The problem is that I never stop eating it until it’s COMPLETELY empty which equals 880 calories and FORTY grams of fat. (those numbers are for real, folks.)

The other problem is that buying this ice cream will MURDER your checking account. $4.50 a pint. yikes. And when you eat 9 a week, or seven, mind your own business – that’s quite an expense.

So, I ditched it. It was so difficult to do but I had to. Now I’m hooked on this ice cream – it’s good and it’s about $4 for a half gallon. And I’m pretty sure it’s healthy for me, like carrots or broccoli. Yes it is.

I’m feeling bad because all I’ve done is make you all gain weight and feel bad about yourselves , so let me help by telling you about my favorite eye cream, k? (you know, TO HIDE THOSE ASSHOLE WRINKLES.) (that said EYE cream, not ICE cream, by the way. Get your mind out of the freezer, god.)

I’m not going to lie to you, this stuff is EXPENSIVE but, it lasts forever. I started using it in February 2010 and I just purchased my fourth container of it. Think about how some of us spend this type of money on ice cream without even thinking about it. *cough*

This is Extra eye repair by Bobbi Brown, it’s $69 but it works. I actually went without for a few days and looked in the mirror and saw the difference in my eyes. It was drastic. (and it also killed me how wrinkly my skin was. UGH. SO OLD.) It works. Also, I only use Bobbi Brown products on my face (except I use a clinique moisturizer and it’s possible that lots of people tell me I look much younger than my actual old age. I’m just saying.)

and finally.

If you’re built like me and you have a bit of a bulging, flabby, squishy belly, THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN, DO NOT SEE ABOVE…then you may love these jeans. They’re my new favorite. They’re not too tight around my thighs and I can *ahem* TUCK my belly neatly into my jeans. They’re a good fit and not expensive.

Anything with the Sweetheart cut by Old Navy is a home run for me.

Alright, friends. I think I’ve shared enough! Happy eating, de-wrinkling and jean wearing!