I am mom enough to laugh at my son who dressed himself as a super hero yesterday, even though waiting for him to do so made him late for daycare and me late for work. I am also mom enough to let him wear his costume to daycare, not caring what anyone else thinks.

I am mom enough to sign my ten year old up for sleep away camp in August for two weeks, even thought the though of it makes me want to puke.

I am mom enough to play an extra wii golf game at night and ignore the dishes. I am mom enough to read that extra chapter and give extra hugs, ignoring bedtime. Other nights I’m the hard ass who makes them bathe and go to bed on time.

I am mom enough to work instead of going to field day, volunteering in the class room or seeing the science fair. Because real moms have to make the hard choices sometimes. Food and shelter are more important than field day.

I am mom enough to adore the handmade cards on mothers day and not wish for anything more than hugs and kisses and a movie date with my  three very favorite people in the world.

I didn’t breastfeed. I didn’t cloth diaper. I didn’t really co-sleep. My kids have gone to daycare since they were infants. I do not shop at whole foods. My kids wear whatever is on sale at Old Navy and Children’s Place. They get to go on vacations because they have two sets of grandparents who adore them. Some days I buy their lunch at the 7-11 on the way into school.

This shit is hard man. Even on it’s very best day, it’s the hardest thing ever. There are no easy answers and these short people didn’t come with instruction manuals. I don’t understand why we can’t all just agree to disagree and move on. You do it your way, I’ll do it mine. I won’t interfere unless you are injuring or neglecting your kid.

Every day, I do the best I can. Some days it’s not enough, so I try again the next day. Because that is what real moms do.

This morning, I read something that changed how I’ve been thinking about this blog for sometime. It was a simple comment that Sweetney left for Laid Off Dad in his most recent post. She said, “not everything has to be deep and meaningful” and it’s completely shifted something in my mind. For so long, I used this blog as therapy. I needed this space to free the words out of my head. On occasion, I still do. A brain dump every now and then is needed. Yet, this blog isn’t my therapy anymore. In the moment, I’m doing really well.

That leaves little to talk about when one believes everything written must have some sort of meaning behind it. But it doesn’t. This is my blog and as my friend Cherry told me the other day, I can use it however I want. Between her comment to me and Tracey’s comment to Doug, I guess I know what I need to do from here on out. I need to say whatever I want, whenever I want. You all don’t need to just hear from me when I’m a mess, I can tell you the everyday stuff as well. Which in this moment, I suppose means I’m talking about nothing. Ha. Nothing is my favorite. Nothing is such an easier place to be. Maybe this will even get me blogging again. We shall see.

Let’s see what I can update you on.

My girls are out of school in something ridiculous like two weeks and three days. They’ll start day camp right away though, so it’s not like much changes. Well except for the luxury of check in time being whenever, no homework and no two zillion forms to sign a week.

I finally feel like I’m over the stress of tax season. I’ve, in the past few days, felt myself relax a bit. I’m sleeping again (mostly), my shoulders aren’t in knots all the time and I’ve stopped grinding my teeth non-stop. My house is cleaner than it’s been in months and this weekend I finally tackled Mt. Laundry. Now if my back would heal quicker, I’d be doing great.

Mothers’ Day was super laid back, just how I like my Sundays to be. We went and saw The Avengers, which was amazing and just how I like my movies to be. Full of explosions and hot super heroes. We had popcorn for lunch and ice cream for dinner. All in all, it was pretty great.

This morning I purchased tickets to our very exciting summer vacation location: Tulsa, Oklahoma. You’re jealous aren’t you? I can tell.

After the kids went to bed last night, I watched the Sister Wives episode. I should apologize for my horrible taste in TV. However when I think about all the shows that are out there, my love of Sister Wives, The Duggars and Dance Moms isn’t so bad. REALLY!!!! It’s not. A guilty pleasure is just that, a guilty pleasure.

What’s your guilty pleasure TV?

This morning I woke up to my alarm. I took a shower, fed and clothed my children, made lunches and tried not to yell at my daughter who couldn’t find the shoes that were six inches from her person. Welcome home right?

This morning I stepped on Lego’s at my house, instead of the ones at her house. I’d say it’s sad, but it’s not really. Will I in a week or two miss her and wish I was there? Yes. For a bit, yes. But I’ve come to the place that I’m glad to be here. On Saturday the lady at Trader Joe’s, upon hearing that I was from California, asked me if I would move back at some point. My honest answer was probably not. This is my home now.

This morning I was actually on time to work. It’d of been more impressive if I hadn’t logged on to see that my boss is out of town for a few days. If you are on time to work but no one notices, does it even count?

On my phone are photos. Beautiful photos. Photos of family. Photos of friends who feel like family. Good cake. Photos of my favorite beach. When I miss it, I will look at these photos. At some point when that isn’t enough…well I’ll plan another trip.

In the moment, I’m going with letting Morgan deal with things in her own time. Periodically I’ll bring it up and see what she says. For now, I’m letting it go.

It’s hard for me to deal with this issue. It just is. It likely won’t be any easier the next time it comes up. That’s just me and my issues. I try so hard to do what’s right despite my issues. I suppose I won’t know how I did at that for a long time to come.

In other news I’m going on vacation in THREE DAYS!!!!! For an entire week. I can’t wait. A week off. So lovely. This week has been so slow. Why is the week before a vacation as slow as watching paint dry?

Morgan started health class yesterday. She will go for and hour and a half each day for a week, I believe. Yesterday, I tried to get her to talk about what she heard. I’m curious and I want to know how much of it she understood. Her reaction was exactly what I expected. “I’m never talking about that. I’m never believing that. I’m never doing THAT. THE END.”

Perfectly normal reaction from a ten year old who isn’t ready to learn about something. It’s okay for her to feel that way. Maybe in some way everyone does.

Yet…I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know what to do. I’ll be honest and tell you that I was FULLY willing to sign the form to get her out of this, half because I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how to help her with this. I didn’t sign the form, because I knew it wasn’t right for her. I made her go, because it was the right thing to do. Not because I wanted her to go. Just…it was right. I try so hard to do the right things by my kids even when it hurts me. This one is hurting me.

I’m sitting here writing this through tears.

I am afraid that I’m ill-equipped to deal with this. My view of sex and all of that is skewed. I was abused as a child. I was younger than my younger daughter is right now when it started. Barely seven years old. I cry when I look at my girls and remember me at their ages. I’ve come to terms with that…as much as I can at least. But it doesn’t mean I know how to keep my child innocent while making sure she learns what she’s supposed to learn.

I don’t know how to do this. Do I let her stay silent? I know for her, it’s just embarrassment. Nothing has happened to her, this I am sure of. She is just embarrassed. At some point she will get curious and bring it up. Do I wait? Does it matter if it’s a month from now? Or a year? Do I push it? Give her time and space? Bring it up occasionally? I honestly don’t know. I need you guys to tell me. What’s normal in this situation? I am not normal. I am broken. In this way, I am broken. My baby isn’t. She is perfectly normal.

What do I say? What do I do? One of you has to know. Please help me.

Or at least I think I will. At times I consider being done with this blogging thing. Walking away. As hard as I’ve fought it, I’m not sure personal blogs have a place anymore. Twitter and Facebook are the norm. We all share there. Me included. Blogging about paid events, paid writing, paid stuff is the way it is now. Honestly, I’m not against any of that. It’s just not how or why I’ve done this for so many years. I am, at times, unsure why I still do this.

Maybe that’s the exhaustion talking. I’m exhausted people. I’m exhausted from living my work life at warp speed for 3.5 months. I’m exhausted from not sleeping for the past week. Nerve pain in my foot is keeping me up for hours and hours each night. My parents and aunt and uncle are here this week and that is fun, yet tiring. Trying to reclaim my house and life after so long, is a long process.

I’m not saying I’m shutting down, so don’t feel like you have to say anything about it. I just came here to talk. To let some things out. This is where I am. Unsure what comes next. Unsure why I’m still doing this. When I started Morgan had just turned four. Everything she said and did was fair game. Now, she’s ten. It’s just not the same. Well that and my ex would rather me never talk about any of them online. Ahem.

Anyway…in other news, my best friend is a super sneak. (See post below.) I adore her for that and a zillion other reasons. I was actually shocked. Not much shocks me these days, but that did. So she wins. I had a really, really good birthday, which I wasn’t expecting since the previous two had been spent on vacation. How does one compare to that? Well you can’t, yet I still had a great day.

Bailey FINALLY lost her first tooth. I didn’t do the tooth fairy.  Sorry…that is the one thing I just never understood. Walk into my childs room and root around under her head while she’s SLEEPING, on PURPOSE? Are you INSANE? Maybe had Bailey been born first, I’d of done this. But Morgan was first and the thought of waking her up on accident still scares me to this day, so no thank you. However my girl is very happy to no longer be the only KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD MAMA who hadn’t lost a tooth at seven.

After much deliberation (on Facebook, Twitter, with my mom and aunt and asking pretty much everyone I know) I decided that Morgan DID need to go to health class this week. You know, learn about sex and stuff health class? Yeah. That’s what she’s doing this week. Yay her! She asked me to write her a note to get out of it. I was willing because she’s so uncomfortable with the whole subject and I know she wouldn’t ask for anything else, but then I heard she’d of been the only kid out of it and I told her she had to suck it up and deal. Well it’s more complicated than that, but you get my drift. Morgan, for those who don’t know, skipped kindergarten. She is a year ahead. Which is fine in almost every sense of it. It’s just that she’s honestly not ready for this. I told her to draw when she gets to uncomfortable and we’d talk about it each night. Best I can do.

Harrison is very, very three. He’s so awesome and so very tiring.

I’m going on vacation next week. Half a week with family, half a week with friends. It should be very fun. Kinda wishing I was there right now. But it will come.

Over the weekend I read Bloom by Kelle Hampton. Good grief I cried a lot. It’s a very touching, sweet book. An easy read. I cried through um….the whole thing? It was good.

That’s all I know.

I can read a book. I can go see a movie. I may even start making real dinners again. My weekends are mine. I’ll tell you sometime…you miss weekends. I have missed weekends. Shoving errands after working on Saturday and trying to do everything else on Sundays? Not so fun. There has been no break for me in months.

I am excited people. I hate tax season. HATE IT! It’s insanity on it’s best day. A nightmare of hell on most days.

Today is tax day. I’m freeeeeeeee.

In other news I had an MRI last week and got the results today. It’s a bad herniated disc, but it does seem to be slowly healing. So for now? I do PT and be careful. I can live with this.

I hope you are all doing well. In another week or so, when I’ve caught my breath, I’ll come around and visit everyone.

I am couch bound this week. I have been since Tuesday morning. What’s today? I honestly don’t know. Thursday right? Okay so this is day three on couch. About a month ago is when it started. I injured my back. A bulging disc they told me. I promised to take it easy, to take the steroids prescribed and then well I kept doing everything. That’s the thing about being single and having kids. Life doesn’t, can’t, stop just because mom is injured. The fact that it’s tax season meant all I was doing was working. Working evenings after the kids go to bed. Working Saturdays. Hours and hours a day sitting at my desk hunched over numbers. I did it, because I had too. All the while wishing I could have a break.

I’m not sure what the breaking point was on Monday. I know the steroids were done on Friday. I had more pain all weakened. Monday was rough. Nothing I did helped. I was in horrible pain all day. My leg pain was out of control. This was new. It’d been just back pain. Then I went to the dentist, that was two hours of pure torture followed by the worst drive home ever. When I got out of the car I knew I was in trouble. My leg had gone numb. It was fully numb but had shooting pains throughout anyway. I took pain meds and tried to sleep.

There was no sleep Monday night. None. I cried nearly all night long. At 4am I called my mom and asked her to drive the two hours to be with me. I didn’t know what else to do. By the time she got here I couldn’t sit and i could barely walk. A doctors appointment came with more bad news. It seems like your disc is pushing on your nerve, he told me. What it means is I’ve been given a referral for a specialist. Spine doc ftw! I go on Monday.

I’ve laid here for the last two days. I believe the steroids (round three) are starting to kick in. My leg is only half numb now. The waking up part of my leg hurts. Yet, yesterday I was able to walk a bit. 15 minutes at a time. Today I feel like I am taking better steps. I feel sturdier. I don’t feel like I’m dragging my foot along. It’s slow and feels like no progress really at all. My mom however tells me I am making progress.

This is so hard you guys. I am used to being a responsible, in charge, get it all done person. I can’t work. (which i feel horrible about, i mean its the middle of tax season.) I can’t make myself food. I can’t rub the pain relieving cream all the way down my own leg. I can’t let the dog in and out when she wants. I am having to rely on my mom. She’s amazing but I feel bad about it. I am so bad at being an invalid. But here I am, being one anyway. I have no choice. Thankfully the kids are with my in-laws for spring break all week. Thankfully my mom can stay as long as I need her. Thankfully my boss is actually being very nice about my need for time off.

This isn’t what I wanted when I said I needed a break. I pictured my vacation in five weeks. I dreamed about the beach and cake and time spent with family and friends. Not laying on the couch, being in excruciating pain at times, taking pain meds non-stop. Crying half the day wasn’t in my plans. Feeling nauseous from pain and the meds to manage the pain wasn’t in my plans. Pushing back my baby thoughts for an extra few months wasn’t in my plans either. This isn’t what I wanted. This sucks the big one.

This wasn’t what I meant. Yet this is where I find myself. If you’ve been through this, please tell me how you got better. Please tell me I’ll get better. Please. I need to hear it.

It is grey outside. It’s trying to snow or rain, or maybe it can’t make up it’s mind. Yesterday it was 65 degrees and sunny. Truth? I barely noticed either. I didn’t get to enjoy yesterday and it doesn’t phase me that today is cold.

My work load is 7777 times too big. Just like yesterday and tomorrow. All I do these days is work. Work, work, work. Heck, I even dream about working. Now that is sad. In the moment, I feel like I have a handle on it. As long as I don’t stress too bad, I should be okay.

Tonight’s dinner is french toast. I’ve officially given up thoughts of actual cooking. At least for the next six weeks. I do laundry as I can, but everything else can wait. My kids don’t care about the house being clean. They don’t care what they eat for dinner, as long as they get fed. It was me who had to let it go and I have.

Today, my back (I have a buldging disc because god forbid I could make it through tax season un-injured) is hurty. More than yesterday. I believe it’s improving. I believe I won’t need to go see another doc about it. I’m hoping it’s just the weather today and that tomorrow it will go back to feeling better.

I just hit mark all as read on my reader. It was at 2640. There’s just no way.

I’m writing when I should be working. I guess I miss it. I miss all of you. Six weeks and counting.