ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: It's not a party till the cops smack the birthday girl

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 16:35:00 +0000

I don't know if words can really explain the madness that took place that night and to fully understand you would probably have to be there but I going to do my best to illustrate what happened that night. Here goes. It was a dark and stormy night, not really, it was a pretty nice and sunny day in the summer, friday to be exact and I sadly had no plans for the evening. having not heard back from anyone I went with a long shot last resort and decided to take a chance on the birthday party of a girl named Penny.

Before I go any further I would like to illustrate what kind of person Penny is. Ive known Penny for about 5 years at this point and she has always been right out of her mind. Every boyfriend she has ever had has had to deal with a non stop barrage of small dick comments, insane jealousy to the point where she has fought a stranger for "looking" at her boyfriend, as well as robbing their houses after they had broken up. Penny also doesn't handle alcohol anywhere close to the next man. Anytime I have drank with her it has been fun, but shes the kind of fall down drunk that always causes more problems then you could ever imagine. One time her and I got drunk and after a long and crazy evening we both passed out, or so I thought. I woke up to an apartment filled with smoke because Penny had decided to make some food after I went to sleep and had passed out in the living room long before the meal was finished.

Anyways, enough about her, it was now here 21 birthday and I was on route. At the last minute, as I was leaving I get a surprise call from two good buddies of mine that they have found another party and I should come. I have already committed to Penny, I stick to my original plans which pisses me off to no end since it seems something better has now come up. Begrudgingly, I get ready and head to the party which is taking place in the most bullshit bar I have ever seen on the Danforth, close to Coxwell station. The bar freom the outside looks like it was closed down long ago and and how it passed health inspection is completely beyond me. Nevertheless, I head in to see a group of the most down and out homeless types I have ever seen. Wait, I got side tracked, before I even get in I see Penny having a cigarette out in front of this shit hole and say whats up. She seems to already be slurring drunk and its only 6:30, but it is her birthday so I understand. As i`m talking to her a middle aged black lady walks by and Penny rips into her and starts making fun of her big ass. The woman is not having it and loses her mind on Penny and a screaming match begins with me standing there baffled by the whole chain of events. the woman says that Penny is going to get it and that she `runs`the Danforth but eventually takes off in a huff. After that Penny and I head in and the place is as shit on the outside as it is on the inside. I grab a drink and sit down with the other people there for the party with is a group of gnarly ass derelicts I know from the area.

Heres where it gets fucked, one of the party guests is a recovering crackhead who, for some reason, has decided to relapse tonight and share his adventures with the rest of the party. Penny begins to cry and starts hitting him wildly and storms off. The next thing I remember, Penny was dancing in the bar smoking a cigarette and is soon caught by the bartender who tells her to put it out. Penny is super drunk at this point, its actually several hours after I came and for some reason I thought the night would go off without a hitch, which I was very wrong about. Anyways, Penny goes behind the bar to grab a beer and kicks over a stack of 10 empty beer cases which fall and most of the bottles shatter. The bartender again catches her fucking up but does nothing except clean up the glass and sell Penny another beer. Pennys sister crystal shows up at this point and they begin grinding on each other which is actually the least odd thing that happened that night.

Lets fast forward three more hours of smoking in the bar, throwing and smashing beer bottles and two sisters grinding on each other to where shit really hits the fan. The black lady who was mentioned earlier has now shown up to the bar. In her defense she looks pissed but doesnt say anything to Penny. As soon as Penny sees here it is on. She walks right over to her and starts slapping her own ass saying you big butt bitch, get the fuck out of here. As she walks away she randomly slaps another older lady, and for what reason I have no idea since the two havent spoke all night. although, slapping a complete stranger is not out of character for Penny at all. Back to the story, the black lady goes to pieces and screams at Penny who responds with a empty beer bottle and catches her right across the face. The lady is stunned and grabs Penny by the face. Pennys sister Crystal sees this and hurls her pint glass at the girl and also clocks her in the head. Wile running over, Crystal picks up a pool ball from the table and begins to smash the other girl in the face with it. Penny some how wriggles free and also starts hitting the girl with the beer bottle. I`m about 2 feet away from this at a table drinking a Gin & tonic. No one has tried to stop the fight, barely anyone even looks up. I guess this kind of shit happens often here, I dont know. I dont think the cops were called, I actually think they were driving by and saw what was going on in here and stopped. Either way, 6 or 7 cruisers pull up onto the sidewalk and barricade everyone in the bar. The fight is still going on. And by fight I mean two girls beating the Christ out of the other one with beer bottles and pool balls.

The cops storm in there and I almost expect them to be wearing riot gear. They grab the three girls and separate them but Crystal and Penny keep throwing bottles and chairs at the other lady. At this point the bar tender looses it, which is insane because so much other shit has already happened and he has said nothing and has kept serving us the whole time. The bar tender grabs Crystal by the hair and begins dragging her back and screams at her wile she swats at his face. Penny has cooled off too and is now sitting at my table hollering at the lady who is being held by the police. Heres where the lady fucks up. Im pretty sure most of us would have been arrested, minus me of course, except for the fact that the lady, in a fit of rage, has begun hitting the police officer who is holding her wile trying to break free. She actually punches the cop in the face and after that she is mobbed by most of the officers and arrested. She is still yelling at Penny as she is cuffed and dragged outside. The police leave, they seem pretty fed up with the whole situation and strangely enough the bar tender still serves us more beers after all this and allows us to stay. its about 3 in the morning at this point and close to closing. I am tired but have enjoyed the evening. At no point could I have even predicted that anything close to this was going to happened but fuck, its made for one hell of an evening and one crazy ass story. We all head out of the bar and im getting ready to catch a cab. For whatever reason, Penny and crystal now begin fist fighting in front of the bar. Another girl who has come for the party tries to break it up but has only substituted herself for crystal on Pennys chopping block and is now being smacked around too. The other girl and Crystal yell at Penny a little more and they storm off. Im left standing there and Penny has ran back into the bar, I think she left her purse but I cant remember. All of a sudden a car pulls up and a guy pops out on a cell phone saying yeah, shes still here looking at Penny. I ask the guy whats going on and he says get you fucking friend out of here now or shes going to get shot. I am in shock, I admit the events of the evening were fucked but nothing to get shot over. I run in there and grab Penny and tell her we have to leave now or someone is going to shoot her. In a drunken rage Penny screams let them come. I grab her and a cab and get the fuck out of there before anymore guys come to deal with Penny. I drop her off at her place, thank her for an awesome evening, and take off home.

It is now almost a year later. Tomorrow is Crystal(pennys sister) birthday. This should be interesting. Cross your fingers

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: Paint:Sound.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:09:00 +0000

This going to be one epic collision of live art and kick ass music!!
Get your ass some of these tickets, cuz the way things are going, you'll be standing out in the street wishing you could get in, like so many others with you.

Issue Zero covers the CALM protest at Yonge and College

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 23:50:00 +0000

Achievement whores

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Copypasta from psbeyond.com

In humble my opinion, achievements and trophies are one of the worst things to ever happen to gaming right after online play. Those 2 things have taken gaming from fun to a world-wide penis contest.

Remember a time before Halo, Guitar Hero and Call of Duty? When being a gamer wasn't cool? Well...even though nowdays we do have the unwashed ignorant casual fratboy gamers who rarely explore gaming beyond the safe confines of Madden and Halo to look up to, there are still people who will make sure that "gamer" and "geek" will go hand in hand for a while longer.

I'm talking about the achievement whore. The achievement whore is a poor excuse for a gamer, who cares about nothing else besides having a big number near their name and uses that number to measure their worth as a human being. They will go to great lengths just to add to that number, including buying used games and reselling them just to get the achievements, as well as getting others to play on their account.

You might be asking yourself if people like that actually exist. Well of course they do. In fact I had a housemate who did the above two, threw a huge fit if she didn't get at least one achievement a day and cyber-date people with an X-Box Live gamerscore of at least 10 000.

I'm never the kind of guy who says "get a girlfriend" because I feel that people who do that on the Internet never had an encounter with the opposite sex that went beyond "cyboring" . Nevertheless, here's some helpful advice for the people in question: just stop. The amount of trophies and achievements you have is not an indicator of your gaming skills, it's an indicator of how pathetic your life is and how much you care about something that doesn't benefit you in any way. The only people you'll impress are just as pathetic as you. If, however, you play a lot of games for fun and just happen to have a high amount of achievements and/or trophies because of that, more power to you.

I sincerely hope that game developers get rid of this mess in the next generation of consoles. The Playstation 2, Xbox and GameCube were doing fine before PSN Trophies and X-box Live gamerscore came about. Believe it or not, most gamers do headshots because it's a one hit kill, not because doing 20 of them will add an inch to their epeen.

And achievement whores, here's a platinum trophy for you: play a game and actually enjoy it.

Issue Zero Magazine: How to Tear the Sky Down.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:19:00 +0000

Hello again, readers, its been a while. We’ll be honest, we’ve been busy.

Factions of the renegade Issue Zero Magazine have been off the radar for too long, but in some minds, not long enough.

And for those lucky citizens, a jolly get your ass some insurance, because summer’s coming. Fast. There will little warning, and it will be very quiet, but at least you’ll get it. Or not. We’re not your damn kindergarten teacher.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there are several new players this season, of whom which have shown great potential.

I’m actually pretty excited, even though all it takes for me to get excited is oxygen, but really though, its getting to be a little hard to keep calm enough to take a piss.

That’s all for now everyone.

Remember… eat your veggies.

Every last fucking one of them, or so help me God…

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: Fast Food

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:05:00 +0000

This is a haiku about McDonald's, and may very well be the best I've ever written on the subject. Based on a true story...

"A cheese burger, now" (5)
I scream at the bitch in charge (7)
"shut the fuck up, sir" (5)

Here's another funny story about my experiences in a fast food resturant, also a McDonalds. One day, after comming down with the 100 proof flu, I found myself in a Mcdonald's, front of the line and ready to order. I was feeling pretty shitty and figured it was a chicken burger kind of day. Everything seemed to be looking up and at this moment I began to feel a little better. "ummm...can I get a chicken burger and fries" I said to the woman at the counter. Well, without missing a beat she said "that shirt makes you look gay." Thinking back, I can't remember which shirt it was, or if it did in fact make me look gay, but I do remember that it pissed me off, and, being hung over and all, anything was bound to come out of my mouth. Now, in a perfect world I would have projectile vomited right at that moment in her face. I'm sorry to say I didnt, it seemed that that day was one of the few when my stomach was able to hold up. But, what I did come up with was this, "no, I'm gay because I fuck your father in the ass when your mother is out of town." Bam, I was on top again. If your wondering, no, im not gay, but I will say almost anything to shit in someones breakfast. At that moment she looked like someone had given her a gift warpped box of shit for christmas, human shit. Me on the other hand, I felt like Mike Tyson punching out a sleeping infant. It was great. Needless to say, I was asked to leave, without the chicken burger. And whats the moral of that story you ask, "Ignorance begets Ignorance" or "dont fuck with me when I'm hung over you dumb bitch"

It's strange. I often get into altercations like this one in fast food resturants and at this point I dont know if it's the food or the people that gets me going. Maybe it's both. Either way, hope you enjoyed the story

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: HOLY HELL ON EARTH, IT'S ABOUT TO GET SUMMER IN THIS PIECE.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 05:07:00 +0000

Well, well, well, Summer, we've been expecting you.

This summer is gonna be sick as fudge. Between different projects, I'm going to try and find some time for the truest of summer pass-times: getting half-naked, sweaty-drunk.
Not like power-drunk, more like, been-at-all-day, I'm-down-for-whatever drunk.
Which brings me to this: I have a problem with Summer, even though I really like luke-warm nights passed out on a dock, and that's there's not always something to do.

Here's a couple of suggestions, should boredom strike you.

1 Get to the lake. It's perfectly human to get a lift off that.
2 Call your girly up... (awe... that's just nice...)
3 Create company. Build stencils, t-shirts, posters, and stack up on aerosol glue. Print stickers, fliers and banners, and blanket them everywhere. Bomb out a bunch of canvasses, murals, and gear, and create stock. Design a route to take advantage of people flow, and sell pieces while doing radically under priced performance art. By night, poster and stencil company logo over, beside, and under every damn thing from here to there. Gate-crash elitist designer parties and Wreakhouse. (See: gate-crashing a RGD seminar.) Dominate a 15 by 20 foot section of Queen and Spadina sidewalk. (with fuckin lead-based paint in case someone was looking to have it stick around like the yellow line on the street.) INVADE YORKVILLE. Eat breakfast. BUY A BULLHORN, or "find" one. Hassle advertising agencies and design firms, relentlessly. Orchestrate a series of publicity stunts and guerrilla advertisments. Draw something "nice." DONT LEAVE THE FUCKIN BBQ ON. Invite a gang of people over to your joint, crack drinks, crank tunes, and light it the Helloff. Lake-side jams, all night. Brand your lifestyle, and introduce mandatory membership. Hammer like 20 beers down and go tubbing with your crazy buddies. Urban exploration: under-rated. "Crash" and "Parties." Hard. Powerfuck. Get lifted.
Find that little thing that does it for you.
Take in a sunrise with having actually slept the night before.
Listen to the birds.

Raise Hell, and relax in Heaven.

Yeah, so there's three good ideas.
Oh yeah, one last thing...
DO NOT MISS THE LCBO BEFORE HOLIDAYS. ("Man that sucks")

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE STRONGLY ADVOCATES THE SECOND AND THRID IDEA...It's because sweaty summer sex and ruthless guerrilla campaigns keeps things interesting. The lake's nice, but not that nice.

-keep it real.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: KRS ONE @ THE OPERA HOUSE, JUNE 12, 2009.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:22:00 +0000

I got my ass learned some realness on Saturday.
Yesindeedy, I did.

We hit the Freedom Festival. The weed march, as some call it, we got the tail end of it. Within an hour, Queen's Park was getting tight at the seems.
And that shit smelt lovely. Lovely, like rolling in a grow show. There was plumes of dense white smoke billowing out of every third person, every second in front of your eyes.

We made contact with a stencil/poster/guerrilla promoter, known for work with Tapeminati.com, a mix tape distribution company (re: look down if you're on Queen and Spadina for the mix tape stencil) who gave us a proposition:
Hand out Volcom shwag, lace the crowd with KRS ONE posters, and in return, get on the guest list for KRS ONE, (and rock some sexy backstage passes) at the June 12th show at the long standing Opera House, where other brilliant speakers such Hunter S. Thompson have inspired before.

Sounded dope as figidiuck to me.

So we did it. Oh yeah, we sure did.
We dropped over 2000 pieces (conservative estimate) of Volcom hats and vinyl stickers, many, many ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE stickers, and hundreds and hundreds of KRS ONE posters for the show, all under about four hours.
Like hell-bent vending machines.
Yes, the force was strong here.

We interviewed Jace and Hex of WildCore, the organizers of the event at the Opera House, a righteous pair of Hip-Hop advocates. These guys live it, and you can tell from the way they talk, it’s a lifestyle. The words, the actions, everything ties in to it.
Here at ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, we are all about living it, what ever it is you do, if you love it, you become it. Simple enough.
When KRS ONE hits the stage, it will have been after doing two seminars under the “Stop The Violence Movement” group, responsible for awakening the public about the nature of the Hip-Hop communities.

What’s the good news? The tickets are $28. The Show is going to be gnarly, and the talent is legendary. Get stoked, this one is for the hardcore Hip-Hop Heads.

BIG UP TO JAS AND HEX OF WILDCORE.
MAD METAL HOLLARS OUT TO THE ORGANISERS OF THE FREEDOM FESTIVAL.

WE HERE AT ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE ARE GETTING A LITTLE FIRED UP OVER HERE. THIS SHOW IS GONNA BE EPIC.

AND LASTLY, FORTIES UP!
TO KRS ONE, “THE TEACHER”...
WE CANT WAIT TO WELCOME YOU TO TORONTO…

#0M

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: How to Save Face.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:47:00 +0000

NEVER BACK DOWN.
REMEMBER WHO YOU FRIENDS ARE.
BURN ANYTHING IN YOUR PATH DOWN.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: TRIPLE SICK SKIN REVIEW; GRAVENHURST.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:42:00 +0000

URSA MEGA AND CHEMICAL ROBOTIKS OF ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WOULD LIKE TO THANK BILL ORCHARD AND JOHN PURKIS OF PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING COMPANY, TONY THEOS AND PETER WOODS OF TRIPLE SICK SKIN TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, CHRIS CAMPBELL, THE BANDS AZENITH, RAIGN, MASTER OF WEAPON, AND GODKILLER.

AND A HUGE SCREAMER OUT TO MY BROTHERS STEVE CAIRNS AND KARL FLAGGAR OF SCDIGITAL FOR FILMING THE PROJECT.

STAY TUNED TO ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE AND PSYCHO WARD C.C. EVENTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FOR MORE COLLABORATIONS

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: Paper Zombies

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:40:00 +0000

*Fold on the Dotted lines
*cut along the solids

Its easy to assemble and makes a creeping looking zombie when finished. If you find yourself bored, and near a printer give it a whirl. Its pretty funny.

Enjoy

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: THE ISOSCELES PROJECT @ SNEAKY DEE'S. FRIDAY THE 13TH 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 03:53:00 +0000

The first time I met Eric Euler... actually, I don't remember the first time. but around the second and third time I'm sure was in the alley behind the Elmo on Spadina. The Issue Zero Magazine triad was ripped from pounding "road-pops." I can't verify this, because, I myself, the person actually involved, was pretty twisted when I smelled the weed.

If it was Eric Euler smoking weed, the guitar player and duck-stepping, mop head-banging front man of the Much Music-raping Isosceles Project, then I am even more impressed than I was when I wasn't sure.
Ob(li)viously.

On Friday the 13th, at Sneaky Dee’s, at College and Bathurst, three guys without a singer got more people rowdy than a band with two singers. The Isosceles Project headlined their CD release party for “Oblivion’s Candle” after the performances by a brit-punk combo I don’t remember the name of, and a second act with some ska that made me feel like it was summer, (some sick saxamaphone actionamon) and made me drink the same too. I don’t remember their name either.

But by God in heaven, when the Isosceles Project got on stage, the whole place went to Hell. Fifty people at the front holding their thumbs and fingers into Isosceles triangles, and the second the was an excuse...Slam-o-Rama. I’ll just start off by saying, I like mosh pits. I do, really. Usually I leave them completely unharmed, part of God’s cruel design, minus some neck pains and some liver issues. But this time, I left with a couple of real nice goose eggs, and somebody’s blood on my face. That’s what I call a good show.

They performed their new song (a Chrono's-melting 15 minutes long) “March of the Obsolete” where some douche bag knocked out the bass feed. They fixed it really quickly, but not before Scott informed us all someone was gonna get it good if they fucked up his chords again.

A stocky 5’10”, easily 180-pound, fully-bearded Scott didn’t have to pound anyone, but it wouldn’t have taken long to do it by the looks of him. They started their "March" again, and it was like there wasn’t ever a cloud in the sky of glorious epic heavy metal and tossing your good friends on the floor and thrashing around all Superdrunkass.

I've seen some killer drummers in my time. Oh, you better believe it, (Ryan Chalmers wrote out bass tab for me once, while playing, a complete mindfuck,) and after that night, I'm putting Justin Falzon in that category, under "unstoppable force of nature." That kid kills it, but good.

Five bucks. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best spent since my LSD days. And in all fairness, I got enough food and beer into me downstairs before the show to justify drinking the good old C.C. I “found” at the liquor store and brought in with me.
I bought the Isosceles Project’s CD. For ten bones, you get it all. The sound is level and strong.

My insulting them in categorizing their actual musical style is more like a fond fantasy of mine where a transport truck called Tool and a full load of Frank Zappa is high jacked by a screaming mad man, who falls asleep at the wheel and drives full speed into Funky Town, slowing for nothing, taking everything out on its magical ballistic and euphonic trajectory.
Oh yeah.

The songs come on a disc that has some sick texture on it; I don’t know what it is, but that shit wont come off. When you pull the CD off the case, you see some Dante’s Inferno artwork that immediately reminds me of a bloody fistfight in a fire pit. (This is a compliment.)

And, finally, when you turn that album on, you can kiss off forty-five minutes of your life you ain't gonna want back.
No fluff.
No bullshit.
No filler repeated chorus’ (there’s no fuckin lyrics AT ALL.)

GO TO
WWW.ISOSCELESPROJECT.COM
AND ORDER YOUR HEAVY METAL VACATION SOUND TRACK.

You wont be disappointed.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WAS PROUD TO BE A PART OF THE FRONT LINE AT THE ISOSCELES PROJECT’S CD RELEASE PARTY.

PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING CO.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 04:46:00 +0000

BILL ORCHARD PUT A HEX ON EACH INDIVIDUAL PIECE OF APPAREL, IN HIS OWN VOO DOO LOUNGE, SOMEWHERE IN ORILLIA.

BUY ONE TODAY, AND DO THINGS YOU'LL REGRET.

ORDER YOUR T-SHIRT TODAY!!!
PSYCHOWARDCO@GMAIL.COM

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE IS ALL THE FUCK ABOUT PASSING THE BUCK.

ANNND, AS AN ADDED BONUS, ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE CAN DRINK YOUR LILY LIVERD ASS WAAAAY UNDER THE TABLE. WE'LL SALUTE YOU FOR TRYING, BUT THEN WE'RE TAKING TURNS PISSING IN YOUR OPEN MOUTH.
CHEERS, FUCK-ASSES.

COMING SOON,
TRIPLE SICK SKIN REVIEW!!!

NOW GET BACK TO FUCKIN OFF.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: BRANT HOUSE

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:01:00 +0000

OK, FIRST OF ALL, BRANT HOUSE IS FULL OF DOUCHE BAGS.
THE MUSIC IS SHIT, AND THE BOUNCERS THINK THAT GOD TOLD THEM TO GUARD THE PEARLY GATES. THE ONE REDEEMING CHARACTERISTIC IS THAT THE STAFF IS SO DAFT THAT EVEN AFTER BEING REQUIRED TO BE AT LEAST 25, THEY LET MY ASS IN, WITH A MICKY OF GOOD OLD CANADIAN CLUB.

SO WITH THAT SAID, FUCK THE BRANT HOUSE.
LIKE A ROOFY IN YOUR BEER AND A BOTTLE OPENER IN YOUR EAR.

SUCK IT SO HARD YOU DROWN, YOU QUIFF BREATH-FRESHENER.

PS. IF WE DO ANYTHING WE WANT IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT, YOUR SECURITY ISN'T ITS JOB.

KING AND PORTLAND: GIVE IT BACK TO THE STREET CREATURES.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:49:00 +0000

WELL, LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING: WITH 3D GLASSES, YOU DON'T NEED HARDCORE HALLUCINOGENS. NOT THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME, LIKE I'M FUCKING POSITIVE THE GUYS IN THE BACK ROW WERE JUST SWIMMING ON A HANDFUL, BUT THIS MOVIE WAS THE STRAIGHT UP SHIT WITHOUT A BAG OF MUSHROOMS.
I HAD ONLY A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE THIS MOVIE, AND I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE TAKEN A BLAST OF THAT FUNKY DUST-MIST FROM THE SCARECROWS MASK IN BATMAN BEGINS, RIGHT IN MY OPEN MOUTH AND INHALING NOSTRILS WITH BOTH EYES SURPRISINGLY WIDE OPEN LIKE A FRAT HOUSE TEA BAG AND A CUP OF FART....
HORRIFIC. FUCKING HEART STOPPING.

THAT'S ALL YOU GET. THAT, AND IT'S CANADIAN.
SO GET OFF YOUR WALLET, AND PACK YOUR HEAD WITH MUSHROOMS AND GO SEE THIS SHIT BEFORE SOMEONE SUFFERS A HEART ATTACK AT A SHOWING AND THEY YANK IT OUT OF THE THEATERS.

AZENITH TAKES SECOND PLACE!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:25:00 +0000

AZENITH ROUND 3

AZENITH AND THEIR MURDEROUS STEAM TAKE 2ND PLACE!

MORE CLIPS FROM THE BELT HOLDERS: GOD KILLER!

AZENITH CONTINUES TO BRUTALIZE!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 03:24:00 +0000

ROUND 2.

AZENITH CONTINUES TO BRUTALIZE!!!
MANY DRINK AS FAST AS THEY CAN TO CATCH UP WITH THE FURY!!!
FEW WERE SPARED!
EVEN LESS LEFT SOBER!

AZENITH KILLS GRAVENHURST!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:52:00 +0000

ROUND 1!
AZENITH COMES ON STRONG! DEMANDING ATTENTION AND EVICTING YUPPIES FROM THE NEXT ROOM!
THE PANDEMONIUM ENSUES!

ISSUE ZERO:ChemicalRobotiks:Slumdog review

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:07:00 +0000

Well, I just finished watching this flick and was pretty pleasantly surprised.

It's the story of a young boy, born and raised in the Mumbai slums who later on becomes a contestant on who wants to be a millionaire. Everyone is puzzled at how an uneducated kid from the slums could be doing so well on the game show and speculations begin to surround him as people believe he is either cheating or the show is rigged.

The film tells the boys story though each of the questions asked by the host, as it cuts away to show the story behind how he knows the answer. After the first question the audience knows he has had a hard life.

When I left the theater I though the film was only OK but as I began to think about it I actually really liked it. The cinematography is excellent and has long sweeping shot of the slums as well as rich imagery of the streets and people. All of this is complimented by one of the best soundtracks I have heard in a movie for some time.
-stick around for the credits. There is an awesome Bollywood dance routine

All and all, I would give this movie 3.5/5

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: THIRD EYE MEGA

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 04:41:00 +0000

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH TEN SEXY MEGA PIXELS?
PROBABLY TAKE FUN LITTLE SNAPS OF FLOWERS AND DOGS AND SHIT.
WELL, HERE AT ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, WE'D LIKE TO THINK WE ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.
LIKE THE INFAMOUS CIRCULAR BREATHING TECHNIQUE I USE TO POWERDRINK.
THANKS TO LONDON FOR THE KICK ASS CAMERA.
...YOU SEXY LITTLE MONSTER.

THE BORN DESTROYERS @ QUEEN AND BATHURST.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:11:00 +0000

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WENT TO THE BIG BOP AT QUEEN AND BATHURST TO SEE THE BORN DESTROYERS. WE HAD A KILLER GOOD TIME. IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF AT A BORN DESTROYER SHOW, AND YOU AREN'T FULLY GOING APE-SHIT-NUTS, YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU AIN'T CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE STAGE THAT THEY CAN SEE YOU, OR YOUR SORRY ASS IS TOAST.
BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T GET YOU, I SURE AS FUCK WILL.
LONG LIVE HEAVY METAL.

BY THE WAY, THE CONTEST MENTIONED IN THIS VIDEO IS LEGIT, IF YOU CAN DESIGN THE FEARED "VAGINA MONSTER" DESCRIBED IN THIS VIDEO, AS CLOSELY AS POSSIBLE TO THE DESCRIPTION GIVEN, THE BORN DESTROYERS AND ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, WILL HOOK YOU THE FUCK UP.

SEND ENTREES TO WWW.ISSUEZERO@GMAIL.COM

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE PRESENTS: THE BORN DESTROYERS.

SEE? WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW WIPE YOUR CHIN AND GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR WALLET, GET YOUR BORN DESTROYERS TICKET, AND GO GET YOUR HEAD THOROUGHLY PULVERIZED AT THE OPERA HOUSE THIS SATURDAY AT 9:30, FOR ANOTHER INSTALMENT OF THE TYPE OF ROCK AND ROLL THAT MIGHT JUST SAVE THE GOD DAMNED WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: INVADE MUSKOKA.

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 08:13:00 +0000

There comes a time in everyone's life, when someone drops the bomb on you. Bombs can come in many forms. Some measure potential damage of said device against x amounts of TNT. Some can be made out of the things you can find in your very own home.
But the kind I am referring to now, is the kind made out of a simple true statement, specifically, one made to me, by a good friend of mine.

"I have a hundred acre lot in Muskoka you can use to throw a festival."

Shortly after I ran a couple of worst case scenarios and best possible outcomes through my head, I took a big, throat-rupturing chug of Canadian Whiskey, and through some wincing and choking, I thanked my good friend.

After which, we got royally shit-faced.
Like, fall-off-the-throne-drunk type of shit-faced.

Where is this magical century of acreage?
All you need to know for now, is that yes, it most certainly does exist, and for all intents and purposes, WE ARE GOING TO THROW THE MOTHER OF ALL FESTIVALS IN THAT FIELD, SO HELP ME GOD, MARK MY WORDS, IT WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR A LONG TIME TO COME.

This project is only in its Genesis, and already, Bill Orchard and friends of Psycho Ward Clothing Co., bands, Dj's, sound and lighting crews, vendors, and my own personal film crew SCDigital, ran by Steve Cairns, have gotten on board for our little fuckshow.

The ones that will be forced against their will won't be notified until the last minute.
Sorry, but what would a fucking great idea be without some hostages?
Well, I guess they're just "kidnapped" until we use them as leverage, then they'd become hostages...
Whatever.
I'm just fucking around.

Kinda. Yeah, no, I guess I mean it.

Look, the important thing to remember here is that there is gonna be a wicked weekend-long festival in Muskoka where you can park your ass down for 72 hours and get mental to some killer good tunes, and you'll be missed if you don't come.

Look to the sky in the city of Toronto, cuz our special brand of advertising is coming to a highly visible space, real soon.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE HAS THE SPOT.
AND IF YOU LISTEN, REALLY CAREFULLY, YOU CAN HEAR GOD FILLING OUT LIFE INSURANCE PAPERWORK, AND MAKING THE SPACE UNDER HIS BED BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM AND MARY.

CAN YOU SURVIVE THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE 72 HOUR CHALLENGE?

IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF A BAND, OR YOU ARE A DJ, AUDITIONS ARE BEING HELD IN THE FUTURE. CONTACT US AT WWW.ISSUEZERO@GMAIL.COM

ISSUE ZERO: The Isosceles Project Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 17:46:00 +0000

Check out their music here: http://www.myspace.com/theisoscelesproject

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: GODKILLER; "OUTTA CONTROL"

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 07:05:00 +0000

HERE WE GO AGAIN, GOD KILLER.
YOU GUYS NEED TO HAND OUT HELMETS TO YOUR GIGS.
THEY RULE.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: GODKILLER; THE WINNER OF OUR HEAVY METAL MUSICAL BATTLE ROYAL

noreply@blogger.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 06:15:00 +0000

This is but a taste of the material we have coming to us from the audio/visual wing of ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, SCDigital, featuring 1ST PLACERS, subjects GODKILLER.
We decided to give you this little sample of these lunatics.
GODKILLER, rightly named, cuz I'm pretty sure I saw them murdering a few deities out back whilst getting warmed up for there show. If anyone ever heard Shiva beg like a little bitch for mercy on the brutally beaten shell of what ever winged creature I saw behind Lakers in Gravenhurst, you'd know,
GODKILLER TAKES NO HOSTAGES.

It's also possible that I was hallucinating.

They put on a show that demanded an encore, and it was phenomenal.
When I saw the bass player outside saying that he jumped off an amp at one show, I thought, how high was he, and how high was the amps? but after that show, I figure the amp was high, and he was higher.
There's more to come from these lads, and the whole day of ink, drinking, interviews and madness to come, Zeroites, stay tuned.

We got mad coverage, all in due time.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING CO., SCDIGITAL, TRIPLE SICK SKIN.

THANK YOU ALL.