ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: Fast Food

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:05:00 +0000

This is a haiku about McDonald's, and may very well be the best I've ever written on the subject. Based on a true story...

"A cheese burger, now" (5)
I scream at the bitch in charge (7)
"shut the fuck up, sir" (5)

Here's another funny story about my experiences in a fast food resturant, also a McDonalds. One day, after comming down with the 100 proof flu, I found myself in a Mcdonald's, front of the line and ready to order. I was feeling pretty shitty and figured it was a chicken burger kind of day. Everything seemed to be looking up and at this moment I began to feel a little better. "ummm...can I get a chicken burger and fries" I said to the woman at the counter. Well, without missing a beat she said "that shirt makes you look gay." Thinking back, I can't remember which shirt it was, or if it did in fact make me look gay, but I do remember that it pissed me off, and, being hung over and all, anything was bound to come out of my mouth. Now, in a perfect world I would have projectile vomited right at that moment in her face. I'm sorry to say I didnt, it seemed that that day was one of the few when my stomach was able to hold up. But, what I did come up with was this, "no, I'm gay because I fuck your father in the ass when your mother is out of town." Bam, I was on top again. If your wondering, no, im not gay, but I will say almost anything to shit in someones breakfast. At that moment she looked like someone had given her a gift warpped box of shit for christmas, human shit. Me on the other hand, I felt like Mike Tyson punching out a sleeping infant. It was great. Needless to say, I was asked to leave, without the chicken burger. And whats the moral of that story you ask, "Ignorance begets Ignorance" or "dont fuck with me when I'm hung over you dumb bitch"

It's strange. I often get into altercations like this one in fast food resturants and at this point I dont know if it's the food or the people that gets me going. Maybe it's both. Either way, hope you enjoyed the story

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: HOLY HELL ON EARTH, IT'S ABOUT TO GET SUMMER IN THIS PIECE.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 05:07:00 +0000

Well, well, well, Summer, we've been expecting you.

This summer is gonna be sick as fudge. Between different projects, I'm going to try and find some time for the truest of summer pass-times: getting half-naked, sweaty-drunk.
Not like power-drunk, more like, been-at-all-day, I'm-down-for-whatever drunk.
Which brings me to this: I have a problem with Summer, even though I really like luke-warm nights passed out on a dock, and that's there's not always something to do.

Here's a couple of suggestions, should boredom strike you.

1 Get to the lake. It's perfectly human to get a lift off that.
2 Call your girly up... (awe... that's just nice...)
3 Create company. Build stencils, t-shirts, posters, and stack up on aerosol glue. Print stickers, fliers and banners, and blanket them everywhere. Bomb out a bunch of canvasses, murals, and gear, and create stock. Design a route to take advantage of people flow, and sell pieces while doing radically under priced performance art. By night, poster and stencil company logo over, beside, and under every damn thing from here to there. Gate-crash elitist designer parties and Wreakhouse. (See: gate-crashing a RGD seminar.) Dominate a 15 by 20 foot section of Queen and Spadina sidewalk. (with fuckin lead-based paint in case someone was looking to have it stick around like the yellow line on the street.) INVADE YORKVILLE. Eat breakfast. BUY A BULLHORN, or "find" one. Hassle advertising agencies and design firms, relentlessly. Orchestrate a series of publicity stunts and guerrilla advertisments. Draw something "nice." DONT LEAVE THE FUCKIN BBQ ON. Invite a gang of people over to your joint, crack drinks, crank tunes, and light it the Helloff. Lake-side jams, all night. Brand your lifestyle, and introduce mandatory membership. Hammer like 20 beers down and go tubbing with your crazy buddies. Urban exploration: under-rated. "Crash" and "Parties." Hard. Powerfuck. Get lifted.
Find that little thing that does it for you.
Take in a sunrise with having actually slept the night before.
Listen to the birds.

Raise Hell, and relax in Heaven.

Yeah, so there's three good ideas.
Oh yeah, one last thing...
DO NOT MISS THE LCBO BEFORE HOLIDAYS. ("Man that sucks")

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE STRONGLY ADVOCATES THE SECOND AND THRID IDEA...It's because sweaty summer sex and ruthless guerrilla campaigns keeps things interesting. The lake's nice, but not that nice.

-keep it real.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: KRS ONE @ THE OPERA HOUSE, JUNE 12, 2009.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:22:00 +0000

I got my ass learned some realness on Saturday.
Yesindeedy, I did.

We hit the Freedom Festival. The weed march, as some call it, we got the tail end of it. Within an hour, Queen's Park was getting tight at the seems.
And that shit smelt lovely. Lovely, like rolling in a grow show. There was plumes of dense white smoke billowing out of every third person, every second in front of your eyes.

We made contact with a stencil/poster/guerrilla promoter, known for work with Tapeminati.com, a mix tape distribution company (re: look down if you're on Queen and Spadina for the mix tape stencil) who gave us a proposition:
Hand out Volcom shwag, lace the crowd with KRS ONE posters, and in return, get on the guest list for KRS ONE, (and rock some sexy backstage passes) at the June 12th show at the long standing Opera House, where other brilliant speakers such Hunter S. Thompson have inspired before.

Sounded dope as figidiuck to me.

So we did it. Oh yeah, we sure did.
We dropped over 2000 pieces (conservative estimate) of Volcom hats and vinyl stickers, many, many ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE stickers, and hundreds and hundreds of KRS ONE posters for the show, all under about four hours.
Like hell-bent vending machines.
Yes, the force was strong here.

We interviewed Jace and Hex of WildCore, the organizers of the event at the Opera House, a righteous pair of Hip-Hop advocates. These guys live it, and you can tell from the way they talk, it’s a lifestyle. The words, the actions, everything ties in to it.
Here at ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, we are all about living it, what ever it is you do, if you love it, you become it. Simple enough.
When KRS ONE hits the stage, it will have been after doing two seminars under the “Stop The Violence Movement” group, responsible for awakening the public about the nature of the Hip-Hop communities.

What’s the good news? The tickets are $28. The Show is going to be gnarly, and the talent is legendary. Get stoked, this one is for the hardcore Hip-Hop Heads.

BIG UP TO JAS AND HEX OF WILDCORE.
MAD METAL HOLLARS OUT TO THE ORGANISERS OF THE FREEDOM FESTIVAL.

WE HERE AT ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE ARE GETTING A LITTLE FIRED UP OVER HERE. THIS SHOW IS GONNA BE EPIC.

AND LASTLY, FORTIES UP!
TO KRS ONE, “THE TEACHER”...
WE CANT WAIT TO WELCOME YOU TO TORONTO…

#0M

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: How to Save Face.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:47:00 +0000

NEVER BACK DOWN.
REMEMBER WHO YOU FRIENDS ARE.
BURN ANYTHING IN YOUR PATH DOWN.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: TRIPLE SICK SKIN REVIEW; GRAVENHURST.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:42:00 +0000

URSA MEGA AND CHEMICAL ROBOTIKS OF ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WOULD LIKE TO THANK BILL ORCHARD AND JOHN PURKIS OF PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING COMPANY, TONY THEOS AND PETER WOODS OF TRIPLE SICK SKIN TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, CHRIS CAMPBELL, THE BANDS AZENITH, RAIGN, MASTER OF WEAPON, AND GODKILLER.

AND A HUGE SCREAMER OUT TO MY BROTHERS STEVE CAIRNS AND KARL FLAGGAR OF SCDIGITAL FOR FILMING THE PROJECT.

STAY TUNED TO ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE AND PSYCHO WARD C.C. EVENTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FOR MORE COLLABORATIONS

The Wrestler

mfclark77@gmail.com (Kermode) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:41:00 +0000

Darren Aronofsky's The Wrestler poignantly and poetically presents a multidimensional portrait of a professional wrestler's undesired retirement. Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) lives life the hard way and when things come crashing down does his best to reign in that which he unfortunately let go during the more belligerent days of his career. Dashing dancer Cassidy (Marisa Tomei) and estranged daughter Stephanie (Evan Rachel Wood) do their best to help piece together the puzzle, but it's a heartbreakingly byzantine panorama requiring a sincerely dedicated degree of patience to comprehend.

The film's strong and Rourke's performance is my pick for Oscar's best actor of the year. The grainy shots and promotional poster credits establish a prominent yet passionately melancholic aesthetic that aptly reflects The Ram's troubles. And it hurts to see him go through it, a spur of the moment man crippled by the financial and humanistic consequences of responsibility. Things happen, not everyone can deal, and not everyone chooses a comfortable career with a pension, regular pay, and wide ranging benefits. The Ram's predicament generally functions as a representative of the aging economic other, the dedicated destitute artist doing what she or he can with what little he or she possesses to bring a bit more cheer to the members of her or his community. And each particular performance electrifies and holistically humanizes what it means to live according to your own individual rules with their own attendant predilections.

There are feelings and points of view that get lost in the rush as you travel from one dimension to another in order to reconstruct daily routines, get by, important pieces of your personal constitution that lie dormant in the unconscious waiting for a specific smell/game winning touchdown pass/deal breaking decision/surprise dinner/work of art to bring them back to life. And The Wrestler really made me feel a lot of the convictions that I had been simply thinking for who knows how long (providing them with an outlet to be revitalized) and that's just one of the reasons why I found it to be such an exceptional film.

Rourke's powerful portrayal of a dislodged, dominant demon, stalwart yet dainty, determined yet spellbound, vigorously demonstrates what it means to succeed while simultaneously pointing out the lesions of loss. Aronofsky once again provocatively illustrates his evocative chops, presenting another infinite requiem for a courageously clandestine character.

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: Paper Zombies

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:40:00 +0000

*Fold on the Dotted lines
*cut along the solids

Its easy to assemble and makes a creeping looking zombie when finished. If you find yourself bored, and near a printer give it a whirl. Its pretty funny.

Enjoy

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: THE ISOSCELES PROJECT @ SNEAKY DEE'S. FRIDAY THE 13TH 2009

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 03:53:00 +0000

The first time I met Eric Euler... actually, I don't remember the first time. but around the second and third time I'm sure was in the alley behind the Elmo on Spadina. The Issue Zero Magazine triad was ripped from pounding "road-pops." I can't verify this, because, I myself, the person actually involved, was pretty twisted when I smelled the weed.

If it was Eric Euler smoking weed, the guitar player and duck-stepping, mop head-banging front man of the Much Music-raping Isosceles Project, then I am even more impressed than I was when I wasn't sure.
Ob(li)viously.

On Friday the 13th, at Sneaky Dee’s, at College and Bathurst, three guys without a singer got more people rowdy than a band with two singers. The Isosceles Project headlined their CD release party for “Oblivion’s Candle” after the performances by a brit-punk combo I don’t remember the name of, and a second act with some ska that made me feel like it was summer, (some sick saxamaphone actionamon) and made me drink the same too. I don’t remember their name either.

But by God in heaven, when the Isosceles Project got on stage, the whole place went to Hell. Fifty people at the front holding their thumbs and fingers into Isosceles triangles, and the second the was an excuse...Slam-o-Rama. I’ll just start off by saying, I like mosh pits. I do, really. Usually I leave them completely unharmed, part of God’s cruel design, minus some neck pains and some liver issues. But this time, I left with a couple of real nice goose eggs, and somebody’s blood on my face. That’s what I call a good show.

They performed their new song (a Chrono's-melting 15 minutes long) “March of the Obsolete” where some douche bag knocked out the bass feed. They fixed it really quickly, but not before Scott informed us all someone was gonna get it good if they fucked up his chords again.

A stocky 5’10”, easily 180-pound, fully-bearded Scott didn’t have to pound anyone, but it wouldn’t have taken long to do it by the looks of him. They started their "March" again, and it was like there wasn’t ever a cloud in the sky of glorious epic heavy metal and tossing your good friends on the floor and thrashing around all Superdrunkass.

I've seen some killer drummers in my time. Oh, you better believe it, (Ryan Chalmers wrote out bass tab for me once, while playing, a complete mindfuck,) and after that night, I'm putting Justin Falzon in that category, under "unstoppable force of nature." That kid kills it, but good.

Five bucks. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best spent since my LSD days. And in all fairness, I got enough food and beer into me downstairs before the show to justify drinking the good old C.C. I “found” at the liquor store and brought in with me.
I bought the Isosceles Project’s CD. For ten bones, you get it all. The sound is level and strong.

My insulting them in categorizing their actual musical style is more like a fond fantasy of mine where a transport truck called Tool and a full load of Frank Zappa is high jacked by a screaming mad man, who falls asleep at the wheel and drives full speed into Funky Town, slowing for nothing, taking everything out on its magical ballistic and euphonic trajectory.
Oh yeah.

The songs come on a disc that has some sick texture on it; I don’t know what it is, but that shit wont come off. When you pull the CD off the case, you see some Dante’s Inferno artwork that immediately reminds me of a bloody fistfight in a fire pit. (This is a compliment.)

And, finally, when you turn that album on, you can kiss off forty-five minutes of your life you ain't gonna want back.
No fluff.
No bullshit.
No filler repeated chorus’ (there’s no fuckin lyrics AT ALL.)

GO TO
WWW.ISOSCELESPROJECT.COM
AND ORDER YOUR HEAVY METAL VACATION SOUND TRACK.

You wont be disappointed.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WAS PROUD TO BE A PART OF THE FRONT LINE AT THE ISOSCELES PROJECT’S CD RELEASE PARTY.

PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING CO.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 04:46:00 +0000

BILL ORCHARD PUT A HEX ON EACH INDIVIDUAL PIECE OF APPAREL, IN HIS OWN VOO DOO LOUNGE, SOMEWHERE IN ORILLIA.

BUY ONE TODAY, AND DO THINGS YOU'LL REGRET.

ORDER YOUR T-SHIRT TODAY!!!
PSYCHOWARDCO@GMAIL.COM

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE IS ALL THE FUCK ABOUT PASSING THE BUCK.

ANNND, AS AN ADDED BONUS, ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE CAN DRINK YOUR LILY LIVERD ASS WAAAAY UNDER THE TABLE. WE'LL SALUTE YOU FOR TRYING, BUT THEN WE'RE TAKING TURNS PISSING IN YOUR OPEN MOUTH.
CHEERS, FUCK-ASSES.

COMING SOON,
TRIPLE SICK SKIN REVIEW!!!

NOW GET BACK TO FUCKIN OFF.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: BRANT HOUSE

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:01:00 +0000

OK, FIRST OF ALL, BRANT HOUSE IS FULL OF DOUCHE BAGS.
THE MUSIC IS SHIT, AND THE BOUNCERS THINK THAT GOD TOLD THEM TO GUARD THE PEARLY GATES. THE ONE REDEEMING CHARACTERISTIC IS THAT THE STAFF IS SO DAFT THAT EVEN AFTER BEING REQUIRED TO BE AT LEAST 25, THEY LET MY ASS IN, WITH A MICKY OF GOOD OLD CANADIAN CLUB.

SO WITH THAT SAID, FUCK THE BRANT HOUSE.
LIKE A ROOFY IN YOUR BEER AND A BOTTLE OPENER IN YOUR EAR.

SUCK IT SO HARD YOU DROWN, YOU QUIFF BREATH-FRESHENER.

PS. IF WE DO ANYTHING WE WANT IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT, YOUR SECURITY ISN'T ITS JOB.

KING AND PORTLAND: GIVE IT BACK TO THE STREET CREATURES.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:49:00 +0000

WELL, LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING: WITH 3D GLASSES, YOU DON'T NEED HARDCORE HALLUCINOGENS. NOT THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME, LIKE I'M FUCKING POSITIVE THE GUYS IN THE BACK ROW WERE JUST SWIMMING ON A HANDFUL, BUT THIS MOVIE WAS THE STRAIGHT UP SHIT WITHOUT A BAG OF MUSHROOMS.
I HAD ONLY A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE THIS MOVIE, AND I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE TAKEN A BLAST OF THAT FUNKY DUST-MIST FROM THE SCARECROWS MASK IN BATMAN BEGINS, RIGHT IN MY OPEN MOUTH AND INHALING NOSTRILS WITH BOTH EYES SURPRISINGLY WIDE OPEN LIKE A FRAT HOUSE TEA BAG AND A CUP OF FART....
HORRIFIC. FUCKING HEART STOPPING.

THAT'S ALL YOU GET. THAT, AND IT'S CANADIAN.
SO GET OFF YOUR WALLET, AND PACK YOUR HEAD WITH MUSHROOMS AND GO SEE THIS SHIT BEFORE SOMEONE SUFFERS A HEART ATTACK AT A SHOWING AND THEY YANK IT OUT OF THE THEATERS.

AZENITH TAKES SECOND PLACE!!!

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:25:00 +0000

AZENITH ROUND 3

AZENITH AND THEIR MURDEROUS STEAM TAKE 2ND PLACE!

MORE CLIPS FROM THE BELT HOLDERS: GOD KILLER!

AZENITH CONTINUES TO BRUTALIZE!!!

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 03:24:00 +0000

ROUND 2.

AZENITH CONTINUES TO BRUTALIZE!!!
MANY DRINK AS FAST AS THEY CAN TO CATCH UP WITH THE FURY!!!
FEW WERE SPARED!
EVEN LESS LEFT SOBER!

AZENITH KILLS GRAVENHURST!!!

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:52:00 +0000

ROUND 1!
AZENITH COMES ON STRONG! DEMANDING ATTENTION AND EVICTING YUPPIES FROM THE NEXT ROOM!
THE PANDEMONIUM ENSUES!

ISSUE ZERO:ChemicalRobotiks:Slumdog review

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:07:00 +0000

Well, I just finished watching this flick and was pretty pleasantly surprised.

It's the story of a young boy, born and raised in the Mumbai slums who later on becomes a contestant on who wants to be a millionaire. Everyone is puzzled at how an uneducated kid from the slums could be doing so well on the game show and speculations begin to surround him as people believe he is either cheating or the show is rigged.

The film tells the boys story though each of the questions asked by the host, as it cuts away to show the story behind how he knows the answer. After the first question the audience knows he has had a hard life.

When I left the theater I though the film was only OK but as I began to think about it I actually really liked it. The cinematography is excellent and has long sweeping shot of the slums as well as rich imagery of the streets and people. All of this is complimented by one of the best soundtracks I have heard in a movie for some time.
-stick around for the credits. There is an awesome Bollywood dance routine

All and all, I would give this movie 3.5/5

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: THIRD EYE MEGA

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 04:41:00 +0000

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH TEN SEXY MEGA PIXELS?
PROBABLY TAKE FUN LITTLE SNAPS OF FLOWERS AND DOGS AND SHIT.
WELL, HERE AT ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, WE'D LIKE TO THINK WE ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.
LIKE THE INFAMOUS CIRCULAR BREATHING TECHNIQUE I USE TO POWERDRINK.
THANKS TO LONDON FOR THE KICK ASS CAMERA.
...YOU SEXY LITTLE MONSTER.

THE BORN DESTROYERS @ QUEEN AND BATHURST.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:11:00 +0000

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WENT TO THE BIG BOP AT QUEEN AND BATHURST TO SEE THE BORN DESTROYERS. WE HAD A KILLER GOOD TIME. IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF AT A BORN DESTROYER SHOW, AND YOU AREN'T FULLY GOING APE-SHIT-NUTS, YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU AIN'T CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE STAGE THAT THEY CAN SEE YOU, OR YOUR SORRY ASS IS TOAST.
BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T GET YOU, I SURE AS FUCK WILL.
LONG LIVE HEAVY METAL.

BY THE WAY, THE CONTEST MENTIONED IN THIS VIDEO IS LEGIT, IF YOU CAN DESIGN THE FEARED "VAGINA MONSTER" DESCRIBED IN THIS VIDEO, AS CLOSELY AS POSSIBLE TO THE DESCRIPTION GIVEN, THE BORN DESTROYERS AND ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, WILL HOOK YOU THE FUCK UP.

SEND ENTREES TO WWW.ISSUEZERO@GMAIL.COM

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE PRESENTS: THE BORN DESTROYERS.

SEE? WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW WIPE YOUR CHIN AND GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR WALLET, GET YOUR BORN DESTROYERS TICKET, AND GO GET YOUR HEAD THOROUGHLY PULVERIZED AT THE OPERA HOUSE THIS SATURDAY AT 9:30, FOR ANOTHER INSTALMENT OF THE TYPE OF ROCK AND ROLL THAT MIGHT JUST SAVE THE GOD DAMNED WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: INVADE MUSKOKA.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 08:13:00 +0000

There comes a time in everyone's life, when someone drops the bomb on you. Bombs can come in many forms. Some measure potential damage of said device against x amounts of TNT. Some can be made out of the things you can find in your very own home.
But the kind I am referring to now, is the kind made out of a simple true statement, specifically, one made to me, by a good friend of mine.

"I have a hundred acre lot in Muskoka you can use to throw a festival."

Shortly after I ran a couple of worst case scenarios and best possible outcomes through my head, I took a big, throat-rupturing chug of Canadian Whiskey, and through some wincing and choking, I thanked my good friend.

After which, we got royally shit-faced.
Like, fall-off-the-throne-drunk type of shit-faced.

Where is this magical century of acreage?
All you need to know for now, is that yes, it most certainly does exist, and for all intents and purposes, WE ARE GOING TO THROW THE MOTHER OF ALL FESTIVALS IN THAT FIELD, SO HELP ME GOD, MARK MY WORDS, IT WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR A LONG TIME TO COME.

This project is only in its Genesis, and already, Bill Orchard and friends of Psycho Ward Clothing Co., bands, Dj's, sound and lighting crews, vendors, and my own personal film crew SCDigital, ran by Steve Cairns, have gotten on board for our little fuckshow.

The ones that will be forced against their will won't be notified until the last minute.
Sorry, but what would a fucking great idea be without some hostages?
Well, I guess they're just "kidnapped" until we use them as leverage, then they'd become hostages...
Whatever.
I'm just fucking around.

Kinda. Yeah, no, I guess I mean it.

Look, the important thing to remember here is that there is gonna be a wicked weekend-long festival in Muskoka where you can park your ass down for 72 hours and get mental to some killer good tunes, and you'll be missed if you don't come.

Look to the sky in the city of Toronto, cuz our special brand of advertising is coming to a highly visible space, real soon.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE HAS THE SPOT.
AND IF YOU LISTEN, REALLY CAREFULLY, YOU CAN HEAR GOD FILLING OUT LIFE INSURANCE PAPERWORK, AND MAKING THE SPACE UNDER HIS BED BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM AND MARY.

CAN YOU SURVIVE THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE 72 HOUR CHALLENGE?

IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF A BAND, OR YOU ARE A DJ, AUDITIONS ARE BEING HELD IN THE FUTURE. CONTACT US AT WWW.ISSUEZERO@GMAIL.COM

ISSUE ZERO: The Isosceles Project Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 17:46:00 +0000

Check out their music here: http://www.myspace.com/theisoscelesproject

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: GODKILLER; "OUTTA CONTROL"

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 07:05:00 +0000

HERE WE GO AGAIN, GOD KILLER.
YOU GUYS NEED TO HAND OUT HELMETS TO YOUR GIGS.
THEY RULE.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: GODKILLER; THE WINNER OF OUR HEAVY METAL MUSICAL BATTLE ROYAL

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 06:15:00 +0000

This is but a taste of the material we have coming to us from the audio/visual wing of ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, SCDigital, featuring 1ST PLACERS, subjects GODKILLER.
We decided to give you this little sample of these lunatics.
GODKILLER, rightly named, cuz I'm pretty sure I saw them murdering a few deities out back whilst getting warmed up for there show. If anyone ever heard Shiva beg like a little bitch for mercy on the brutally beaten shell of what ever winged creature I saw behind Lakers in Gravenhurst, you'd know,
GODKILLER TAKES NO HOSTAGES.

It's also possible that I was hallucinating.

They put on a show that demanded an encore, and it was phenomenal.
When I saw the bass player outside saying that he jumped off an amp at one show, I thought, how high was he, and how high was the amps? but after that show, I figure the amp was high, and he was higher.
There's more to come from these lads, and the whole day of ink, drinking, interviews and madness to come, Zeroites, stay tuned.

We got mad coverage, all in due time.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE, PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING CO., SCDIGITAL, TRIPLE SICK SKIN.

THANK YOU ALL.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: TIME TO SMARTEN THE FUCK UP

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:38:00 +0000

REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS EVERYONE WHINING ABOUT?!?
GET A FUCKIN GRIP.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: WHATS TO COME IN THE NEW YEAR.

ISSUEZERO@gmail.com (Issue Zero Magazine) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:07:00 +0000

THIS IS A LITTLE TASTE OF WHAT WE WE'RE UP TO IN A LITTLE SHITSHOW TOWN CALLED GRAVENHURST.

LOOK FORWARD TO OUR IN DEPTH VIDEOS AND INTERVIEWS AND COVERAGE OF INK SESSIONS AND HEAVY METAL.

THANKS TO ALL THAT CAME OUT.
The information in this video is slightly different than what actually went down.

ISSUE ZERO: Ending the Eternal

noreply@blogger.com (Chemical Robotiks) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:22:00 +0000

Box Wars is done for the year.
Nothing but the myths and lore left in the wake of the cardboard pieces and (my) swollen kidneys to tell the tale.
And now, on to other things.

October 21, we went to see the short film by Justin McConnell titled "Ending the Eternal."

To the neck meat then, will we?

Ending the Eternal digs a new hole using it's fingers while laughing out loud.
(I think vampiric slaughterings are funny, you'd have to be a sicko not to.)

Justin's project is an introduction to a film to come in the future titled "the Eternal." It circles around the main character played by Adam Wilson, a Vampire, Samuel Gradius, who hires a team of assassins to kill, interestingly enough, himself.

When they fuck the job up, and boy-o-boy do they, he fuckin looses it and tells them all about it. They don't kill him, but not for the lack of effort, or cool assassin gear, but because of there gross neglect in the choice of weapon. And then again, in response time, and as a result, get their shit shook from the mortal coil.
Oh yeah, they fucked that up, really nicely.

Lets say you're getting paid to kill someone, namely, the guy whose paying you to kill him. You think being that close to the boss, you'd want to make sure that you do the job right, seeing as the guy is a fuckin vampire.

This isn't like your first weekend job as a dish washer, when the head honcho pops his head into the kitchen so you wash faster and really pay attention to the food filter and take the garbage out twice as fast, no, it's someone who feeds on the living for sustenance by going right for the neck, and in doing this, lives forever.

Now, being a vampire, and spending most of his time teeth deep in a jugular somewhere, I'm gonna guess that he doesn't know the difference between a good assassin and a bad assassin, which is something you'd look in to if you where going to look into something like that, but its really his fault that the would-be killers picked plastic composite to carve a stake out of to drive into his chest. Assassins; where the fuck do you find the good ones?
But regardless, they were payed to do a job, and they fucked up. Plastic composite? That's fuckin retarded. A man of the cloth that doesn't believe in the undead would tell you that shit. I'd kill a motherfucker over that shit, too.

A huge impenetrable poisonous garlic neck protector managed to fall off the ol' shopping list too, much to the dismay of one of their colleagues, who found out that vampires got probably twice the jaw pressure of a normal human, and are, just like in the picture books, equipped with big, white, fangs. Not like Farley Mowatt's pet wolf, like a motherfuckin wicked pair of tent pegs made for tapping the neck veins.

Then, one of the assassins pulls out a hand gun. Now you're thinkin you dumb bitch. You got a guy in front of you with a plastic spear right through his heart. Yeah, you know what, I'd probably pull a gun, too, if I didn't already know they guy was a fuckin vampire.
Bitch, you gonna hafta die.

The reader will excuse my strange insight to the movie. (or you can hold it against me, but I'll still drink you into the basement.)
I'll treat it like it happened for real, cuz I will suspend disbelief as fast as my drinking arm goes up and holds, which allows that type of perspective.

That vampire flat out spanked those idiots, and then took 'em to school, late and without lunch.

A closing scene through the room shows that Samuel Gradius, our vampire (a hero in my books) has justly executed the team, and on his way to bed, after draining the last dumb-ass, says "lights" to turn off his automated bedroom lights, to wait quietly in the dark for the rest of them.

The dialogue in this piece is entertaining and funny, with a blood sucker confessing his Catholicism. That's fuckin hilarious.

My favorite quotes from this flick.
"This whole world is going to shit, even real wood is rare!"
"Technology before intelligence, it will be the end of you all."

The storyline points to the future of the main character who decides that he doesn't want to kill himself anymore. According to Justin, months later, "Sammy" (as I'll refer to the blood-sucking murderer) decides that he's taking a new approach to his disposition, coming out in the feature length film "the Eternal," a movie which I will try to convince Justin to let me review, despite my past drunkenness and exploits.

Our interview with Justin, Adam and Greg after the film at Poppers was nice, it came with beer. (I like beer, a lot, and what the fuck is it to you?!?) Adam is just finished a part as Charlie Manson in biography piece which will be out soon. That fucker can do one decent Manson, having seen the parole hearings to compare to, it was creepy as hell.
I gave him props for his bit, as I do love a good Manson impression, and for getting the beer.

I'm stoked about the full length project Justin's pulling together, cuz I like pissed off vampires, and still pumped about the DVD release of the Working Class Rock Star on November 11th.
IF YOUR INTERESTED IN HOW TO MAKE SURE YOUR BAND DON'T GET FUCKED BY YOUR LABEL WHEN YOU GET A CONTRACT, WATCH THIS SHIT 3 OR 4 TIMES WITH YOUR TEAM FIRST.

I've said it before. I'll say it again.
Good things coming from this Justin character, and I'm chomping at the bit to see more.
(I think vampiric slaughterings are funny.)

In the future of Mister McConnell's career we'll see the makings of one of the guys I've come to know as a friend and partner, Greg Sommers, AKA (the Box War Lord General) Skull Man, in Skull World.

I'll be in the motherfucker, which is sweet, cuz the only professional training I have in acting, I can't even tell you fuckers about.
(Those were good times, whooooshit.)

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE IS PLEASED WITH THE CREATIONS OF MR. MCCONNELL, AND WILL BE SENDING OUR APPROVAL TO THE MIGHTY RED JUMP-SUITED ONE FOR REVIEW, PLUS I CAN ASK HIM ABOUT THAT $50 BUCKS HE SAID HE'D GIVE ME FOR GETTING ALL THOSE KIDS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH TO SIGN OVER THEIR SOUL FOR A CIGARETTE IN BETWEEN CLASS EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T THINK I WAS SERIOUS AND THEY ACTUALLY SIGNED ANYWAYS. (I HAD FUCKIN PAGES.) (I'M NOT KIDDING.)

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: LONDON: Silence keeps you safe, dare to speak

noreply@blogger.com (London) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 22:26:00 +0000

As Ursa Mega informs you dear readers, there has apparently been a “reporting” of the displayed picture that has been deemed as a sadist model.

When I learned that this reporting on Facebook resulted in the deletion of the image, many ideas surrounding censorship, freedom of expression, and women in the media circulated my cranium the way things usually do at first: in a chaotic state. And then, as the clock ticks, these fiery thoughts calm, enabling me to communicate more soundly.

So, here it goes. First of all, the way this reporting was handled strikes me as quite pathetic. Having grown up in the Middle East, I have seen first hand how little rights women have; especially freedom of expression. To this day, many female writers and artists in particular parts in the Middle East, Africa, and Asia are punished for speaking out. They are kidnapped, beaten, banned, and killed.

We are very fortunate to live in a country that does not punish us for speaking out. Granted, we do face censorship issues which will always bleed into freedom of expression rights and subsequently, criminal offences that blame the media.

In Canada, women are able to speak out without the same fear women in other parts of the world possess. The person that reported this image on Facebook could have been a woman—and in this case, I say, sisterfriend, you have something to say, so say it. It could’ve also been a man—and in this case, I say, find your balls and say what you want to say.

Secondly, when a medium such as Facebook takes down a piece of art such as this picture, we are witnessing censorship. This act alone raises tons of questions. What is art? Is this picture art? Is this offensive to women? Doesn’t the artist have the right to expression?

Section 2 of The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that every Canadian has the fundamental right to “freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication.”Some may ask, “so a picture of a battered woman is art?”

Yes. Because it encourages speculation and debate. Do you know the story behind this woman? Do you know why she looks this way? Do you know why the artist chose to make her look this way?

The person who reported this image to the Facebook admins failed to critically think about this image in an artistic way. What if this woman witnessed the abuse of her child and proceeded to fight the attacker? What if these bruises are a physical indication of her victory? In other words, this woman could have been a survivor.

I realize that many may still argue that the mere sight of this woman advocates violence against them, or visually reinforces the concept of the poor, helpless, battered woman.To these people I write this loud and clear. WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY THAT WILL LISTEN. YOU DON’T ALWAYS GET THE RESULTS YOU WANT, BUT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK OUT AND TESTIFY. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DIRECTLY GO TO THE SOURCE AND TELL THEM WHY YOU HAVE BEEN ANGERED BY AN IMAGE. FACEBOOK REPORTER, SLINK OUT OF THAT DARK CORNER AND SPEAK OUT. I DARE YOU. ~London