blog 'scuse me?

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: VeganMoFo 2017 Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 20 Oct 2017 01:45:00 +0000

The consistently random posts where I utilize my strengths which include drinking cocktails and sharing a bullet point list of shit I found on the internet. I love you, internet.

First off, it's VeganMoFo and I actually did one of the daily prompts. For day 19, "a dish with five ingredients or fewer (not including cooking oil and salt and pepper)" I made quinoa with kale stems and roasted vegetables (shallots, Brussels sprouts, and sweet potatoes).

As a person who identifies as bun-curious, I'm excited to try out Meera Sodha's recipe for vegan mushroom bao. (via The Guardian)
Every one in a while the internet gives you a gift, like when you're trying to find the article about the Nicolas Cage potato snacks sold in Japan, so you google "Nicolas Cage Japan" and you are delighted by a collection of absurd Pachinko commercials.

Side note: I might just start putting "Japan" at the end of all my searches.
Jane Goodall, at 83, still inspiring and making a difference for the animals in this great interview at Scientific American.

“Every single individual makes a difference every single day,” she says in her quiet but determined British accent. “We get to choose what sort of difference we’re going to make.”
Try to force out of your mind images of Spencer Pratt with his crystals and embrace this beginner's guide to crystals. (via The GirlieGirl Army) Don't let him ruin this for us.
The director of Drive and Neon Demon, Nicholas Winding Refn, is introducing his own free streaming service. "Each month will feature a different restored movie (thanks in part to Harvard Film Archive) that fits into a theme that'll change every quarter." The service launches in February, but beta registration is live now. (via Engadget)

Cocktail of the Week: Gin and Tonic

Email that crap out of us @ monicatara[at]gmail.com. Or just comment here! We would love feedback and cocktail ideas!

Cinema with Comestible Accompaniments: Dragnet

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 23:47:00 +0000

A safe place for lovers of movies and pun-based food recipes with a fondness for TBS's Dinner and A Movie. Oh yeah, and all the classic Dinner and A Movie recipes will be veganized.

The Movie
Dragnet (1987)
Leonard Maltin Review: **1/2 D: Tom Mankiewicz. Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks, Christopher Plummer, Harry Morgan, Alexandra Paul, Jack O'Halloran, Elizabeth Ashley, Dabney Coleman, Kathleen Freeman. Aykroyd is a comic reincarnation of Jack Webb, playing Sgt. Joe Friday's dense but dedicated nephew in this parody. Hanks is fun as his freewheeling new partner, with Morgan, Webb's onetime sidekick, now promoted to captain of the L.A.P.D. Starts out quite funny, then goes flat...but the punchline is a howl. Aykroyd co-scripted with Mankiewicz and Alan Zweibel.

Spoiler Alert: There may be spoilers peppered though the movie portion of this post, consider yourself warned.

First, let's take a look at the title theme because it is so painfully and beautifully 80's.

"Just the facts, ma'am." -Joe Friday

Dragnet, originally an American radio series started in 1949, that portrayed the cases of a Los Angeles police detective, Sergeant Joe Friday, and his partners. (Wikipedia never lies) For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a radio series, it's like a podcast that streams live by using radio waves to carry information like sound.
This classic buddy cop comedy is filled with intrigue, car chases, girls in bikinis, a virgin in a white dress, an evil group raining havoc on the city of Los Angeles, but at the heart it, it's about friendship...and the defense of pornography?

"Friday, these animals were trapped and stunned and roped and crated and shipped. Dropped into cages. You think they were out in the wild, forming lines, jockeying for position saying, 'Take me. Take me. I wanna live on the damn cement'?" - Pep

At the beginning of the movie, we get the strong impression that Pep Streebek, Joe Friday's new partner, might be a vegan/vegetarian concerned with animal rights issues. First, he argues with Joe that dragging an animal out of its natural habitat and trapping it in a cage to live in a zoo for the rest of its existence is animal cruelty, both valid and true. Then, he lectures Joe on his unhealthy chili dog habit whilst eating a mixture of fruit and lettuce with chopsticks. However, halfway through the movie he kills a 30 foot anaconda with a handful of hallucinogenic drugs and asks Granny Monday if she's ever eaten a chili dog off the back of a motorcycle. Is this a commentary on the fickle nature of hipster youths or just inconsistency?

Enid Borden (Kathleen Freeman) has the best lines in this movie:
"That goddamned pus-faced little pimp stick!"
"Useless scum lapping shit bag!"
"...so there's nothing you can do about it, you slimy little jizz bucket!"
"That miserable little bag of puke!"

Peter Leeds, Kathleen Freeman (above), and Harry Morgan (M*A*S*H) were all cast members of various earlier "Dragnet" shows. (IMDB)

"Look out! Moppets!" -Joe Friday
What happened to movies with car chases that destroy fruit carts or hit piles of stuffed animals? I googled moppet and it means a small endearingly sweet child. I'm so glad they didn't hit any of them.

"Surf's up, beach boy, but not for you. You'll be hanging ten downtown." -Joe Friday

"Well, Emil...I guess it's just you and me...and...your balls and this drawer." -Pep

"Kill the good! Kill the good! Kill the good! Kill the good!" - P.A.G.A.N. (People Against Goodness and Normalcy, aka the bad guys)

Connie Swail's house (shown above) was used as Ray Peterson's home in The'Burbs (1989). It was later used as Susan Mayer's house in the television series Desperate Housewives (2004). (IMDB)

"Now, if you'll both excuse me. I'm afraid the second-highest duty calls." -Reverend Whirley
This is a poop joke...right?

It is stated that one of the Bait Mate April's favorite movies is The Sound of Music (1965), which featured Christopher Plummer (Reverend Whirley). (IMDB)

"Granny, have you ever eaten a chili dog off the back of a motorcycle?" -Pep

"Reverend, you have balls as big as church bells." -Jerry Caesar

The photograph of Captain Gannon's wife behind his desk is the same photograph as Colonel Potter's wife in M*A*S*H (1972). Both parts were played by Harry Morgan. (IMDB)

"You know, in spite of every logical instinct I've ever had in my life, I consider you a friend, a real friend." -Pep

This movie was the second time Tom Hanks and Dabney Coleman worked together. The first time was The Man With One Red Shoe (1985). (IMDB)

"Muzz, you weren't even born with the sense God gave the common dog. Don't you know that's my partner?" -Joe Friday

"Just close your eyes and think of Christmas." -Joe Friday

The Recipe
Just the Facts, Tofu Ham

To veganize this recipe, I had to mashup an Isa Chandra Moskowitz recipe with the Claud Mann recipe. If you would like to make the inspirational Sweet and Smoky Glazed Tofu Ham, you can find it here or pick up The Superfun Times Vegan Holiday Cookbook at your local bookstore. Actually, you should pick up three copies, one for travelling with, one to keep in your kitchen, and one for paging through while you're in the bathroom. It's a good read and has lots of pictures, but I shouldn't have to explain myself.

Ingredients:

1 12 oz. block of tofu

For the marinade:

1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup tamari or soy sauce
1/4 cup pure maple syrup
6 oz. stout beer (for help finding vegan stout try here or here)
2 tbsp liquid smoke
1/4 packed brown sugar
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
1 tsp smoked paprika

For the tofu ham:

1/2 cup of each: chopped onion, carrots, and celery
6 oz. stout beer
1 tsp sage
1 orange, thinly sliced
Whole cloves (a bunch of them)

For the glaze:

3 tbsp orange or apricot marmalade
1/2 cup marsala or sherry
1 tbsp dry mustard
6 tbsp pure maple syrup
The will to serve (hot) and to protect (your reputation in the kitchen)

1. In a shallow dish or gallon size zipper bag, whisk together all the marinade ingredients. Place the block of tofu in the marinade, turn to coat, and marinade in the refrigerator for at least 4 hour, and up to overnight.

2. Preheat the oven to 375ºF.

3. Toss the vegetable and sage around in the beer. (This kind of makes no sense, but I wanted an even coating of sage on the veggies.)

4. In the square pan I set aside for brownies and mac-n-cheese (9x9?), arrange the orange slices in an even layer. Place the marinated tofu in the center.

5. Lightly score the top of the tofu with a sharp knife in a latticework design, about 1/4 inch deep. Press the whole cloves into the intersections of the cuts.

6. Add the vegetables around the sides of the tofu and drizzle some of the leftover marinade over everything.

7. Bake for an hour.

8. Mix together the Marsala, marmalade, dry mustard, and maple syrup.

9. After the tofu has baked for 1 hour, brush the Marsala mixture over the surface of the tofu. Bake an additional 30 minutes, basting the tofu with the Marsala mixture every 5 minutes.

10. Allow the tofu to cool for about 5 minutes before slicing to serve.

10. You've finished your work, what do you see...just a tofu ham?... Well, that's not all I see. Mister--I see the good people of this city lined up with arms akimbo waiting to try an honest piece of bean curd grown by thousands of proud soy farmers working hard to produce a leaner, more healthful soy product.

Tara's review: "It was delish. Good texture, opposite of bland...I think if I were to change anything, it would be less citrus."

Happy VeganMoFo!

COMMENCE VEGANMOFO!

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 02:23:00 +0000

Happy October 1st, everyone! Monica and I are gnawing the air with excitement about VeganMoFo 2017. We got the opportunity to traipse through London, Paris, and Dublin last month and have glorious European food porn to share; here's a snap of our lunch at Vx all-vegan restaurant and shop in King's Cross:

You're staring at Vx Burgers with sides of chips. The wheat burger patty, spicy ketchup, and cheese were yum-o. The chips were a touch undercooked and could have greatly benefited from some of that spicy ketchup (and perhaps a dab of vegan mayo). But an American loser can't be a chooser.

In addition to posting more Euro-meals, I'll be brewing some "flavors of autumn" lattes (Will the infamous PSL get included? Warning: Yes.), whipping up a few of Jason Wyrick's Vegan Tacos, and crafting a spine-tingling Halloween dessert.

Monica will dive in shortly with her VeganMoFo dreams and schemes. Let's rock!

Cinema with Comestible Accompaniments: Only the Lonely

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 16:27:00 +0000

A safe place for lovers of movies and pun-based food recipes with a fondness for TBS's Dinner and A Movie. Oh yeah, and all the classic Dinner and A Movie recipes will be veganized.

The Movie
Only the Lonely (1991)
Leonard Maltin Review: *** D: Chris Columbus. John Candy, Maureen O'Hara, Ally Sheedy, James Belushi, Anthony Quinn, Kevin Dunn, Milo O'Shea, Bert Remsen, Joe V. Greco, Macaulay Culkin, Kieran Culkin. Chicago cop, who still lives with his mom, falls in love--and has to overcome both his mother's resistance and his feelings of guilt over leaving her. Sweet, sentimental update of MARTY shines with performances that are right on-target, including O'Hara's first since 1973's THE RED PONY.

Spoiler Alert: There may be spoilers salted and peppered though the movie portion of this post, consider yourself warned.

Sometimes it's good to be a cop, sometimes it's not. Although according to this movie the only time it's not good to be a cop is when you accidentally drop a corpse out an apartment window, but we'll get back to that later.

"I can't skip bingo. I love it." - Rose

Danny (John Candy), a single Chicago cop, lives with his mother Rose (Maureen O'Hara). His partner, Sal (James Belushi), is having problems with his wife after he surprised her with some sort of sex toy that she had mistaken for a giant centipede. His brother, Patrick (Kevin Dunn), puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on one of his three sons, Billy (Macaulay Culkin), and is super aggressive about getting Danny to move out to Florida with their mom.

Good to see Macaulay doing his own stunts. He's such a professional. Chris Columbus, according to IMDb, said he was an incredibly charming kid when he worked with him on Home Alone (1990) and brought him and Kieran back for a cameo in this movie. When the film was released, Home Alone was still in theaters. At the end of the weekend, this movie finished 4th in the box office with Home Alone finishing in 11th.

"Your friend there's fluthered." - Frank

Fluthered, what a great word!

"Okay fine. Take the body back. He can't drink anyway. What did you do, sew his lips shut?" - one of Tommy Bones' friends

After the corpse of Tommy Bones is taken into O'Neill's for his final drink with his friends, we meet Theresa Luna (Ally Sheedy), the girls that paints dead people's faces...to look like famous people.

"I don't believe this. I'm getting romantic advice from a widow and two bachelors." - Danny

"I'm sorry. See, I just got lucky in there with a girl. I didn't mean it like that. It's not what you're thinking. She does everybody in there. Not in that way but she probably did that guy there for example...I got to go." - Danny

Nick, the Greek neighbor, is in love with Rose, but Rose is a complicated woman and is not into his aggressive courtship. She might also have some deep-seated hatred for Greek people, it's unclear. The Sicilians, for sure, but the Greeks, not so sure. He does seem to know how to charm her on occasion.

"Rose, have you forgotten what a sweet thing romance can be?" - Nick

Danny and Theresa's first date is at old Comiskey Park and was filmed not long after the final baseball game was played there. In the establishing shot above, you can see both the old Comiskey Park and the new Comiskey Park, renamed US Cellular Field in 2003 and Guaranteed Rate Field in 2016.

Back to the corpse and the most memorable part of this movie when I originally watched this as a child.

As Danny and Sal are lowering a corpse tied to a fire hose from an apartment building window, Sal accuses Danny of being "pussy-whipped" for wanted to go on a second date with Theresa instead of going to a football game with him. Sal, there is a reason you are sleeping on the couch. **cough cough** misogyny **cough cough**

"You think I'm going to that door alone? What if it's a crack maniac dressed up as Frankenstein or a rapist dressed up like Elmer Fudd?" -Rose

The Irish stew I prepare below went slightly better than the meal Danny makes for their first sleepover date.

This line stood out to me for some reason. As some of you may know Ally Sheedy starred in Maid to Order (1987) where she plays a rich girl who becomes penniless and must take a maid's job to earn a living. Only the Lonely came out in 1991. Is this a not so subtle reference to Maid to Order?

"Rose, I know you realize it's the nineties. I'm just not sure you realize it's the 1990's." -Polish priest

Even though his mother, brother and partner Sal discourage him from pursuing his relationship with Theresa and Danny deserves a shot at love. Rose beats up a bunch of terrorist to prove that she'll be fine on her own and Danny can move to New York City to be with Theresa.

"Everything in life does relate to sex, Danny. I mean, think about it. Do you realize that 45% of these people in these buildings right now are having sex of some sort? That's a statistic, Danny." -Sal

Let's take a moment to appreciate the soundtrack for this movie: the title song Roy Orbison's Only the Lonely, Etta James performing Otis Redding's I've Got Dreams to Remember, a couple Van Morrison songs, Jimmy Durante, Mario Lanza, Dean Martin.

"I love you, ma." -Danny
"I'm not so lovable." -Rose
"True enough. I'm kidding." - Danny

Some More Fun Fact from IMDb:

Chris Columbus wrote the script with Maureen O'Hara in mind for the role of the mother. What he didn't know was that she had long since been retired and was living on St. Croix in the US Virgin Islands. Knowing her brother, Charles B. Fitzsimons was still in the movie industry, Columbus contacted him and had a script sent.
This would turn out to be Maureen O'Hara's final feature film with the exception of three TV movies (1995, 1998, and 2000).
During filming, Maureen O'Hara would often tell John Candy that he reminded her of Charles Laughton, citing that underneath the clown character had existed a powerful, complicated actor. O'Hara told Candy to trust his talent as an actor and not always play the clown.
This is the only John Hughes film where he wasn't the writer.
Producer John Hughes insisted to writer/director Chris Columbus that Ally Sheedy be cast as Theresa.

The Recipe
Irish Stew for One
(for original recipe click here)

(also pictured some whiskey on the rocks with a sprig of rosemary because I bought a lot of rosemary)

For the stew:

1 block of tofu, cut into 1-2 in cubes (but I think tempeh would work well in this recipe as well)
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cups vegetable stock
2 each: bay leaf, thyme sprig, garlic clove
4 medium potatoes, peeled and sliced
2 yellow onions, peeled and sliced
1 carrot, sliced
3 tbsp parsley, chopped
1 10-oz can cannellini beans (I used 15-oz)
salt and pepper

For the soda bread:

2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp rosemary, chopped
1 cup almond milk w/ 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar (combine and set aside 5-10 minutes to make buttermilk)
2 tbsp tomato paste
1 copy "How to be Your Own Best Friend"

1. Preheat oven to 250⁰F.

2. Prepare the stew: Heat the oil in a large, heavy (oven safe) pot over medium-high heat. (It's times like these I wish I had a dutch oven, but instead I used my cast iron pan and wrapped some heavy duty foil over it when it was time to transfer to the oven).

3. Brown the tofu in 3 batches, then return all the tofu to the pot and add the stock, bay leaf, thyme, and garlic. Season with salt and pepper.

4. Bring to a simmer, cover, and transfer to the preheated oven. Cook for 45 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, cut the vegetables.

6. Add the potatoes, onions, carrot, cannelini beans and chopped parsley. Cover and continue cooking until the vegetable are tender. (The original recipe says this is about 20 min., for me it was about 1 hour and 40 minutes.) This will take some time, hopefully you didn't have any plans tonight.

Ta-da!

7. Prepare the soda bread: Preheat the oven to 375⁰F.

8. Combine the flour, salt, baking soda and rosemary in a mixing bowl.

9. In a small bowl, mix together the tomato paste and buttermilk mixture.

10. Add the buttermilk mixture to the flour mixture and knead the dough until it holds together.

11. Shape the dough into small, depressing, 1 person loaves and brush with a little olive oil. Bake about 15-20 minutes, or until done.
(I read this whole part wrong and made one big loaf and forgot the olive oil. It still came out good though.)

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day!

Nick Nick Doom: Death of the Bachelor Posts

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Fri, 03 Mar 2017 01:45:00 +0000

Disclaimer: Tara wrote the following several weeks ago while I was busy curled up in the fetal position stress eating, signing every online petition I could get my hands on and putting my senators on speed dial. Needless to say, we will not be recapping the rest of the season.

Monica and I have decided to end our recaps of Nick's season; this should provide some clarity. Furthermore, in light of our new fascist regime, we need to retreat to our titanium bunker carved into the side of Mount Haystack and plot over bowls of room temperature corn niblets. If anyone wants to share protest experiences, conversations with senators' staff, methods of self-care, etc., we'd love to get privy.

To make the oncoming radio silence less painful, here are the Blog 'Scuse Me Official Predictions of Bachelor Shenanigans to Come:

Taylor will rip Corinne's face and hair off to reveal she's been a vengeful gopher on stilts this whole time.

Nick will convert to Eckankar and get too busy trying to achieve God-Realization to focus on dating (I've lost count of how many times this has happened on reality tv).

The cast will receive order from Chris Harrison and an "anonymous collaborator" to vacation in Russia, where Nick will ride a stallion topless and unceremoniously toss Corinne into Klyuchevskaya Sopka.

Sorry, Nick, much like your production team we have failed you. (Monica again)

On the bright side, Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette. She'll be making history as the first black lead on the show after 21 seasons of The Bachelor and 12 seasons on The Bachelorette. Let's just hope we will get our shit together in time to recap her season.

Love, bouncy castles, and puppies, until next time/season!

Nick Nick Boom: Week 2 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 04:51:00 +0000

From the opening scenes, we can see that they are plying the girls with liquor. Rachel makes a comment about only getting 2 hours of sleep. I feel like The Bachelor production team is showing their cards this season or maybe I'm just starting to notice it. Liquor plus sleep deprivation plus dehydration equals crazy girls and good "reality."

Josephine is "bursting with excitement", thankfully not hard enough to explode the clasps on her overalls, because Nick is so attractive with his "genuine nature". Can we get our hands on what I assume is a collection of VHS tapes hidden in a government vault that show this alleged genuine quality? All I've seen thus far is a languid but persistent hunger for reality show fame.

Chris Harrison stops by the mansion with a little exposition and a date card. This week will have 2 group dates and 1 one on one date.

1st Date Card - Always a Bride's Maid...
w/ Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine G., Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth

Nick prances up to the group wearing dark button-down and slacks, looking like a hungover lounge fly, and Lacey tells the camera he looks great, but then again, he could "wear a potato sack" and look amazing. This conjures an intriguing image because Nick is a human potato sack.

The theme of this date is wedding photos with Franco LaCosta. Franco has a rack of bridal gowns that each have a cute little theme. Vanessa is the 80's bride (my favorite dress) with Raven and Jasmine G. as her bride's maids. Alexis is our pregnant shotgun bride because after being a shark/dolphin last episode we need a shot of balancing a drink on her pregnant belly.

Alexis expresses her disappointment over this look, telling the camera she thought "shotgun bride" meant "looking hot and sexy with guns". Nineteen hundred gold stars.

Brittany is the Adam and Eve bride because that's a thing and it's not The Bachelor if they don't make one contestant get near naked on the first group date. Sarah is the Las Vegas bride. Hailey is the biker bride. Danielle L. is the boring traditional bride with Lacey as her bride's maid. Taylor is the princess bride which sadly has nothing to do with the movie. Corinne is the beach bride which involves just a bikini and a veil.

Corinne is feeling super confident about her bikini "gown" since all the other girls are all covered up in taffeta and lace. Nick won't be able to see all their lady parts. How's he supposed to know the difference between them and Chris Harrison. And then Brittany walks in with her leaf covered bikini bottoms and nothing but her long wavy hair covering her nips. Challenge accepted, Brittany. Corinne is here to win... a vacation in Mexico on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Highlights of the date: 1) When the ladies march down the steps for their fake wedding photos with Nick (who appears to be wearing a suit made of mylar), the "TGIF sax" version of wedding march music plays. 2) Whoever plants one on Nick during her respective shoot gets a response that makes lukewarm corn syrup look like mulled wine. Nick should have laid out a "no kissing until Episode 4" policy when the girls first got the mansion. He is literally a dead body getting dragged around by Franco in "Weekend at Douchey's".

Let's take a moment to appreciate Franco's outfit.

Corinne wins the challenge and sashays out with a triumphant giggle while the other girls applaud and smile in a rare show of sportswomanship:

(The woman in the foreground is Franco).

Corinne ups the ante for the group date after dark activities. After a thorough make out sesh (with Nick), Corinne interrupts not one but two other contestants time with Nick. Classic taboo in the TV dating world. When Taylor, the second girl to get interrupted, decides she good enough, smart enough and gosh darn-it people like her and she deserves her time with Nick. Corinne can't boss her around. Taylor comes back and asks if she can interrupt. Boosh!

I am officially fucking sick of Basic Bitch Corinne. When a person makes me long for the fang-baring "can i steal you....AGAIN" days of Olivia, there is a tremendous problem. I'm 260% sure the producers have already drafted a rider to Nick's contract forbidding him from kicking her off until she makes it to the Final Six.

Corinne's sloppy behavior gets her a safety rose, which incites well-deserved cynicism in a few of the empty-handed ladies. Quoth the Raven:

"If you want a woman who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's your fourth time. I know that's mean, but..."

I have nothing against a person who leads with his/her sexuality and disagree with anyone getting shamed or dismissed for such, but Raven bringing up this is Nick's fourth go-round (you know, because he's a fucking failure and a half) gets her the biggest blue ribbon at the state fair.

THIS TIME'S THE CHARM, GUYZ

Quotable quote from Corinne: "When I was talking to Nick, he was, like, LISTENING. Like, guys don't LISTEN to me!"

NOBODY LISTENS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A SELF-ABSORBED ASSHAT GET OFF THE SHOW AND GO TO MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER

2nd Date Card - Our Relationship is About To Take Off...
w/ Danielle M.

There is not much to say here. Typical Bachelor date: Helicopter to the yacht to the hot tub to the dinner that never gets touched. She tells Nick about losing her fiancee to drug addiction.

(Is it just me or are they rushing all the story lines they usually space out through the season? What do they have up their sleeves?)

Nick whines about getting dumped by both Andi and Kaitlyn after making it to the Final Two on their respective seasons, and how when you love you have to be vulnerable, or something. Danielle M. hangs on every word, enraptured:

When Danielle M. is getting candid with Nick about her fiance's death, he looks like he's biting his tongue to keep from saying "Ah, come on, babe, don't talk on our first date about other bros you slept with. Daaang."

3rd Date Card - We Need To Talk...
w/ Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz

Before this date, Liz tells her new friend/fellow contestant, Christen, all about her post-Jade-and-Tanner-nuptial coitus with Nick. Great idea! This won't backfire.

Why is this girl telling another girl she slept with Nick? Girl. Shut up. She isn't your friend.
— roxane gay (@rgay) January 10, 2017

The theme of this date is break ups because Nick has some baggage from nine months ago that he needs to dump.

Apparently, Hollywood has a Museum of Broken Relationships and when a man takes you here on your first date it means you will not make it to the final four. Prove me wrong, Nick.

We get to see a relic from Nick's history here in the museum, a dead rose and his engagement ring to Kaitlin (the second bachelorette to dump him).

It's a bit much.

Poor Christen was giddily clasping her hands, hoping they were going to be on a talk show. Instead, she's forced to visit an emo breakup exhibit and listen to Nick whine about Kaitlyn the Heart-Smashing Canadian. The producers would rather film this shit than show the gang traipsing around with Jimmy Kimmel? Okay.

All the girls get to break up with Nick in cute little skits. Astrid hands him his rose back, Kristina does some dental hygienist-esque thing, Jaimi tells him he's messy, Christen's was forgettable because I forgot it (she accuses Nick of calling her fat....um, is some latent self-shaming coming to the surface, Christen? Are you okay?), Josephine slaps him and won my heart, and Liz... oh fuck, why? Liz retells the story of them meeting at a wedding in front of all the other girls and only Christen knows it's actually true. Everyone else just thinks she's a shitty story teller/dumper.

I love Liz's turn from second one:

Liz: *cracking mini notebook* "So Nick..."

Nick:

(forty minutes later)

Liz: "I came to learn that I was afraid of letting you in..."

Nick:

What now lives in Pulp Fiction-esque infamy as The Liz Situation is proving itself quite the burden on Nick's good time, and the world can hear the exit limo's engine revving...

Why did I write "David Blaine" in my notes?

During group date night time activities, Nick fishes for information as to whether or not the other girls know about him and Liz's past. Christen spills the beans! She knows and Nick is not happy. After an awkward conversation with Liz, he sends her home before she can do more damage. Good job saving face, Nick. Now Nick can control the narrative of their night together as he comes clean to all the girls on group date.

Nick's to do list: Send Liz home bc she suuuucks. That's it. #TheBachelor
— Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 10, 2017

Liz feebly tries to explain why she never got in touch with Nick after the sex, and all she accomplishes is looking like a generic brand Julianne Moore and making no sense. When Corinne begins to look like a more valuable competitor, it's time to pack your bags. Did Liz not learn from Frasier that "we need to talk" is always a death knell?

FYI, Kristina's accent is Russian! Not knowing was killing me.

Episode Stinger: Alexis celebrates her boobs' birthday with Nick. Sigh.

Nick Nick Boom: Week 1 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 21:07:00 +0000

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor Season 21 Recap.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 1, there are spoilers below.**

This season mumble-core Nick, after being the runner up on The Bachelorette (and frankly, America's hearts) two seasons in a row and then babysitting Bachelor Nation rejects on his redemption tour in Bachelor in Paradise, shall sift through 30 women on national television to find one that can tolerate his massive ego for at least a few months. And every time someone this season says, "Fourth times a charm," a little piece of me dies.

The premiere is absolutely screaming for viewers not to hate Nick as his intro rolls along: Here's Nick goofily announcing himself as "The Bachelor" (as if to say, "Gee willikers, America, I can't believe they chose lil ol' me to do this!"); Nick doing cardio and presenting his .0004% body fat (so unique after years of lean people getting discriminated against by ABC...EYEROLL); Nick showering in a pervy low-angle shot (wtf...never mind, it's a Chris Harrison show; I'm not surprised).

Then we roll down Memory Lane (in a carriage driven by a screaming Willy Wonka) to see Nick's stints with Andi, Kaitlyn, and the Ladies of Paradise. To reference Monica's "mumble-core Nick": I adore how ABC tries to pass off Nick's mumbling, covering of his mouth when he speaks, and failure to establish eye contact as "endearingly quirky" when it all just pegs him as a filthy liar. In the obligatory "big family with solid midwestern values" sequence, his own sister tells him to cut the body language bullshit.

Nick V. "I'll never give up. Not until I find love."
All of us: "PLEASE GOD FIND LOVE THIS SEASON."#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/rL6x8X25M1
— JoJo (@bacheloretteFTW) January 3, 2017

As he anticipates meeting the "lucky" ladies of his season, Nick sits down with former Bachelors Ben, Cacklin' Chris, and Sean so they can remind him he's built a solid reputation as a "giant toolbag" (thank you so much for that, Sean). THIS time, things are gonna be SO DIFFERENT, bro.

There was a commercial for the live action Beauty and The Beast movie which could mean only one thing, a Beauty and The Beast themed date or maybe its a bigger theme that once the final rose loses all its petals Nick's TV career is over.

Now let's take a look at these future Instagram celebrities in the order of their arrivals to the mansion:

(FYI, most of the women this season didn't bring props or lame joke with them to the mansion, so other than 11 red dresses we are not working with much here.) .

Danielle L., 27, Small Business Owner, Los Angeles, CA - (black dress). She's introduced with a midriff shot (good job ABC), owns nail salons, and has perfect eyebrows.

Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager, Dallas, TX - (white dress) Right off the bat we can tell this is a gal with some good ol' down-home Southern charm! She looks like she wants to go Hannibal Lecter on Nick's face...out of lust, of course.

Rachel, 31, Attorney, Dallas, TX - (red dress) - She makes a joke(?) about setting up her fantasy team before she left to film? I don't know or care about sports. She also likes to dance while vacuuming, so she's a winner in my book.

Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer, Tulsa, OK - (yellow dress) - She does this thing with a fan as she's stepping out of the limo. She sets up her catchphrase for the season after tossing her fan: "How crazy do you think I am right now?" I hate this woman.

Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor, Seattle, WA - (maroon dress) - Her friends think Nick is a piece of shit and his face does this thing:

Mental health counselor with a Master's from Johns Hopkins, huh? If she doesn't determine Nick is a fucking sociopath in the first three episodes, she should go back through the curriculum real quick.

Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist, Lexington, KY - (blue dress) -

Angela, 26, Model, Greenville, SC - (red dress) -

Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate, Naples, FL - (gold sequins dress) - Her last name is Hussey and his last name is Viall (which she pronounces vile...understandably) and together they can be a "disgusting slut"? No, that's not right. Why are the words slut and whore used so much on this goddamn show!?!

Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner, Los Angeles, CA - (purple? dress)

Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server, Los Angeles, CA - (red dress) - She's makes a 'fourth times a charm' comment, so naturally she made my shit list.

Ida Maria, 23, Sales Manager, Harlingen, TX - (blue dress) - Someone has been watching too much Tosh.0 because she think trust falls are still a thing. Remember when you tried to get into Daniel Tosh's comedy and then he made a rape joke so you rolled up your sleeves and galsplained to your guy friends why he's not funny.

Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative, Anchorage, AK - (black dress w/ fur coat) - Fur is fucked! At least she's going home. They do a Eskimo kiss, you know, because Alaska. I wonder if she can see Russia from her house.

Sarah, 26, Grade School Teacher, Newport Beach, CA - (light purple dress) - She forgoes the limo to jog up to Nick and makes a runner up joke. Her little cardio blast is accompanied by fake-ass 80s montage music.

Jasmine G., 29, Pro Basketball Dancer, San Francisco, CA - (teal dress) - She brought Neil Lane with her in the limo so him and Nick could have a little reunion. Neil has with him three engagement rings she picked out that would all be acceptable if a two time runner up were to ask for her hand in marriage. She's practical and I like it. Nick, don't you think about using any of those rings on some other girl.

Hailey, 23, Photographer, Vancover, Britsh Columbia, Canada - (red dress) - She makes a joke that basically boils down to her not wearing underwear. (Semper ubi sub ubi.) Nick reacts to her "joke" with his usual fiery delight:

Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager, Tampa, FL - (purple dress) - She talks about her boobs in German. Fun.

Liz, 29, Doula, Las Vegas, NV - (blue sequins dress) - Liz has a secret and it's that she went to the bone zone with Nick at Jade and Tanner wedding about 9 months ago. If everyone on this show wasn't paper thin, I would totally be looking forward to the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant-esque episode where she has a toilet baby in the mansion. I was extremely curious to see Nick's reaction to the emergence of this notch on his bedpost (I mean, let's not waste our time pretending she's been anything more to him). I was not disappointed:

He insults everyone's intelligence by giving her a stiff, half-assed second hug as if he's thrilled she's back in his life and, as she struts into the mansion, gazes wistfully at the moon and stars, and by that I mean stares into the middle distance like this:

I know he gets a lot of (undeserved) attention, but I think he knows who this woman is. Let's see if a "little mystery" works in her favor, or if he's going to see a neon "Cock Block" sign on her forehead every time she appears.

Corinne, 24, Business Owner, Miami, FL - (maroon dress) - She hands Nick a hug token to collect later. She also happens to have a nanny. Not a maid or a personal assistant, but a person employed to care for a child in its own home. She's running the family's "multi-million dollar business" and she needs a nanny. I guess I should be impressed she didn't try to make herself sound more professional?

Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada - (black & white dress) - She speaks in French to Nick and he calls her "a keeper." French-speaking AND loves dedicating her career to a marginalized group? I'm on board so far...just disappointed she's naive enough to tell the camera with a straight face that Nick seems like a "genuine person". Is she in for a douche-a-riffic treat!

Danielle M., 31, Neonatal Nurse, Nashville, TN - (red dress) - She brings Nick some real maple syrup and they banter about french toast. She gets introduced by Colbie Caillat-esque strings, looks like she sampled some valerian root and chamomile tea when she speaks to the camera, has high cheekbones, and takes care of helpless lil infant baby tots, so I'm pegging her as a shoo-in for the final five.

Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner, Hoxie, AR - (sparkly dress) - She makes Nick "Call the hawks" with her. I don't know. If my name was Raven, every time I exited a room I would say, "never more." She tells the camera all her town has are "family, faith, and football", which I'm sure she means as a proud declaration but I see as a horrific confession.

Jaimi, 28, Chef, New Orleans, LA - (black dress) - She shows Nick her balls. I don't feel like explaining it. I'll take a shot - her septum is pierced. This would have really been something to shout about in 1994.

Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse, Salt Lake City, UT - (purple sparkly dress) - She takes Nick's pulse.

Susannah, 26, Account Manager, San Diego, CA - (red dress) - She gives Nick his first beard massage.

Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse, Santa Cruz, CA - (red dress) - She has a book within which there is a hole that contains a wiener and by wiener I mean uncooked hot dog. Her and Nick Lady and the Tramp it and that make us all wieners. Right?

I give her one hundred gold stars for shriekily flopping around like a millenial Ruth Buzzi and the "kitty head massage" scene.

Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse Santa Monica, CA - (red dress) - She puts on some latex gloves and has Nick bend over and isn't that the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I hope Nick can afford the deductible.

Jasmine B., 25, Flight Attendant, Tacoma, WA - (red dress) -

Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor, Chanhassen, MN - (red dress)

Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager, Manhattan, NY - (red dress) - She rides in on a camel because she heard Nick likes a good hump.

Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, Secaucus, NJ - (shark costume) - This dolphin loving Jersey Girl keeps telling everybody she's wearing a dolphin costume. However, with the gills it's obviously not a dolphin. Is she gas-lighting everyone? Not only that, but dolphin costumes exist on the internet.

Oh wait? Not sexy enough for you. I also found one that is more of a skimpy dress with a tale, but still more like a dolphin then this left shark costume they found in a dumpster outside the 2015 superbowel.

When Nick emerges from the limo to find smug house father Chris Harrison gazing upon him with his usual mixture of ironic affection and distaste, we already know we're in for a terrifying ride...oh, sorry, JOURNEY. Corinne tells the camera she does this when she looks into Nick's eyes:

"LalalalalaLADYSTOPIT."

Nick says the word "process" and it doesn't get edited out, which hints ABC gives even less of a fuck these days than I thought. I say it will take two more seasons until Trump's America gives us Stephen Baldwin as The Bachelor, where Alec will compete disguised as an elusive Parisian woman named Faux LaRuse to sabotage him.

Corinne gets the first kiss, which Nick calls a "strong move" and admits "didn't make [him] feel totally comfortable" (translation: "You're overbearing and I hate you and your weird PDA tokens.").

But wait...what's that we hear Corinne say post-kiss??

"I'm here for Nick...Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon (singing)."

One of the girls calls out that dolphin/shark/trout/snake/whatever-costume-wearing Alexis is her "spirit animal", which comes as a relief because there simply wasn't enough ignorance-fueled shitting on Indigenous people in 2016; way to kick off the new year right!

Nick finally confronts Liz with the classic "why didn't you get in touch with me after we had sex" guilt-trip. Looks like that dash o' mystery routine is biting you in the ass, Liz!

After interminable tension, the first Rose Ceremony speeds in like one of the trucks from Maximum Overdrive. Corinne is allegedly so nervous she begins to go blind.

Liz scores the last rose of the night, and the "parade of rejects" unrolls in all its glory. Lauren says she needs to start "finding guys who see [her] worth". Calm your sparkle dress, Lauren: After this exposure, you're going to wake up to roughly 18,000 social media suitors. Briana dissolves in tears and acknowledges this show "wasn't the place to find [love]". Uh, yeah; this isn't the place for anyone to find anything except Veuve Cliquot and a soulless-eyed fecal nugget with a crop-dusted beard.

The girls that were sent home this episode:

The Fur Coat
The Trust Fall
The Flight Attendant (we did that last season)
The Vile Hussie
The Pulse Taker
The Beard Massager
The Model
The Food Truck Girl

Buckle up for a season of ocean antics, spontaneous nudity, boy band romping, ACTUAL Nick tears, post-sex backlash, and overuse of Axe styling putty! WOO PIG SOOIE!

Cinema with Comestible Accompaniments: Serendipity

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 03:19:00 +0000

A safe place for lovers of movies and pun-based food recipes with a fondness for TBS's Dinner and A Movie. Oh yeah, and all the classic Dinner and A Movie recipes will be veganized.

The Movie
Serendipity (2001)
Leonard Maltin Review: *** D: Peter Chelsom. John Cusack, Kate Beckinsale, Jeremy Piven, Molly Shannon, Eugene Levy, John Corbett, Bridget Moynahan, Lucy Gordon. A chance meeting in N.Y.C. leads to a romantic evening for Cusack and Beckinsale, but she chooses to leave it to fate to decide if they should ever see each other again. Several years later, on the eve of his wedding, Cusack decides he simply must find her. Endearing romantic comedy with appealing stars and wonderful support from Piven and Levy. Buck Henry appears unbilled.

Spoiler Alert: There may be spoilers peppered though the movie portion of this post, consider yourself warned.

Keep in mind this movie came out in theaters a month after 9/11. Before it was released, they digitally removed the World Trade Center towers from the skyline. (Never Forget.) What better movie for our United States in a time of great sorrow and need then a John Cusack rom-com. Eugene Levy took a break from making American Pie sequels, John Corbett and Bridget Moynahan took a break from Sex and the City playing three-dimensional characters that get cheated on to playing two-dimensional characters that get dumped in a feature film (always the cheatee, never the cheater), and Molly Shannon shows up to wrap you in a warm blanket of friendship. We all need more Molly Shannon in our lives.

"Our hero, Jonathan goes out in search of black gloves and in a perfect act of "serendipiocity" or "serendipaciousness," he runs into a beautiful, attractive English girl with a boyfriend." - Jonathan

Classic meet cute, Christmas shopping is at its peak in a crowded Bloomingdale's in Manhattan and two people grab the same pair of black cashmere (not vegan!) gloves. Apologetically trying to hand the gloves to the other person, when the unbilled Buck Henry shows up and takes the gloves. To get the gloves back, they fabricate a story about Cusack's trans-gendered future girlfriend, which is a plot to a movie I would like watch.

After a magical night of frozen hot chocolates at Serendipity 3 and ice skating, they part ways but not without releasing their name and numbers into the universe for the other to find if they were destined to be together. Flawless plan. Jonathan's contact info goes on the back of a five dollar bill and Sara's on the inside of a first edition Love in the Time of Cholera.

Flash forward a few years later which at some point Piven states it's been seven years, Jonathan is a few days away from marrying the lovely Halley and Sara has just been proposed to by Lars and about to join him on tour to support his weird Viking murdering music career.

Let's go over the signs that bring them together after seven years. Jonathan is doing his ESPN job thingy at the golf range when he hears a man page 'Sara Lawson' and waits to see her approach the desk (which begs the question, does this happen every time he hears the name Sara because it's a fairly common name). Turns out it's not her. After work he goes to get his hair cut before the wedding, but it's Lauren's day off and a girl named Sara is replacing her. He runs out sans haircut. While in a cab, he hears a bike messenger singing Hall & Oates' Sara Smile. With the fates working overtime to bring him and Sara back together and rekindle their irrefutable connection he runs to his best friend Dean (Piven) at the New York Times for help.

Sara, on the other hand, sees a Cool Hand Luke poster and buys two tickets to NYC for her and her friend, Eve (Shannon), for Eve's Birthday but mostly completely selfish reasons.

"Let's just pray he's a bald fascist who picks his nose and wipes it under the car seat." -Sara

The search begins...

"Kids your age. Pimple-faced college dropouts who have made unhealthy sums of money forming internet companies that create no concrete products, provide no viable services and still manage to generate profits for all of its lazy, day-trading, son-of-a-bitch shareholders. Meanwhile, as a tortured member of the disenfranchised proletariat, you find some altruistic need to protect these digital plantation owners?" - Dean (FYI, this movie came out almost 3 years before Facebook was founded and 6 years before the first iPhone was released. He's referring to the dot-com bubble from 1995-2001 for which I know very little, but what a lovely Piven rant.)

They eventually find their respective five dollar bill and book. Dean uses his New York Times resources to find Sara's address while Sara just calls information. This is about the time in the movie where things stop making sense for me.

First, Sara runs into the ballroom where presumably Jonathan is marrying Halley yelling "Stop!" Who does that?

Thankfully, the only person there is a hotel employee packing up the chairs, who's exposition informs us that Jonathan and Halley called off the wedding, so that Jonathan could walk around the city thoughtfully reading his own obituary written by his best friend.

After Jonathan's obit stroll, he ends up at the ice skating rink from before and sits a bench where he finds a jacket (Sara's jacket, but he doesn't know that yet). He walks to the center of the ice and sits down. (I always thought at this point he would ask the people ice skating around him if they had lost a jacket, but he doesn't. Not that it would serve the story, it just bothers me. What's he going to do with a woman's jacket? He doesn't even have a fiance anymore.) It starts snowing, so obviously he decides to lay down in the middle of the ice using the jacket he found on a park bench as a pillow under his head. Then this happens...

A second black cashmere glove hovers in the air above him and lands right on his chest.

And I'm suppose to believe she threw it from the edge of the rink. She's at least 10 feet away and it's snowing. Did she ball up the glove? Did she stand above him, drop it and then run back?

The Recipe
When Life Hands You Lemons...Make Lemon Risotto
(for original recipe click here)

As fate would have it, here's a tasty little treat courtesy of the incomparable Claud Mann.

(also pictured sauteed shishito peppers)

6-8 cups "homemade" vegetable stock (I used store bought because I'm lazy)
5 tbsp coconut oil (or vegan non-hydrogenated margarine like Miyoko VeganButter)
2 tbsp olive oil
1 shallot, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups Italian short grain rice, such as Arborio, Carnaroli or Vialone Nano
1 lemon juiced (2-3 tbsp) and its zest (2 lemons if you're feeling extra zesty)
5-6 stalks asparagus, rough ends discarded, cut into 1-inch-ish pieces (optional)
2 tbsp fresh herbs (optional, but strongly suggested)
sea salt, as needed

1. Bring the stock to a simmer. (I like to pour it into a microwave safe measuring vessel or bowl 2 cups at a time and heat it up in the microwave so I don't have to clean another pot.)

2. In a large, heavy bottom saucepan over medium heat, combine 3 tbsp of the coconut oil, olive oil, and shallot. Sweat the shallot without browning for 5 minutes, stirring often with a flat edged wooden spoon until the onion becomes translucent. Add the garlic, saute another 3 minutes.

3. Add the asparagus and cook until tender.

4. Add the rice and stir well to moisten the rice grains thoroughly with the oil in the pan. Continue toasting the rice 2-3 minutes, stirring often.

5. Add the wine and stir until evaporated, and then begin adding the hot stock to the rice one half cup at a time, all the while stirring and scraping the bottom and sides of the pan with the wooden spoon. Allow each addition of the stock to be absorbed by the rice before adding more hot stock.

6. After 20-22 minutes, begin testing the rice for doneness. When it feels creamy, not yet completely tender and still is slightly firm in the center (but not crunchy), remove it from the heat.

7. Stir in the remaining coconut oil, lemon zest, lemon juice and fresh herbs. (Life had handed my two lemons on this particular day so I juiced a second one and I don't regret a thing.) Season to taste with sea salt.

Happy New Year!

Cinema with Comestible Accompaniments: The 'Burbs

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 12 Dec 2016 03:31:00 +0000

A safe place for lovers of movies and pun-based food recipes with a fondness for TBS's Dinner and A Movie. Oh yeah, and all the classic Dinner and A Movie recipes will be veganized.

I took a break from binge watching holiday movies to watch The 'burbs this week!

The Movie
The 'burbs (1989)
Leonard Maltin Review: ** D: Joe Dante. Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Rick Ducommun, Corey Feldman, Wendy Schaal, Henry Gibson, Brother Theodore, Courtney Gaines, Gale Gordon, Dick Miller. Strange new neighbors set a neighborhood abuzz, and lead several slightly cracked compadres to extreme measures so they can learn just what's going on behind closed doors. Comically warped view of suburban life takes far too much time to play out its paper-thin premise, and leads to (mostly) predictable results.

Spoiler Alert: There may be spoilers peppered though the movie portion of this post, consider yourself warned.

In the words of Robert Frost, "Good fences make good neighbors." Enter the movie where you're not quite sure who the bad guys are. Are they the creepy neighbors who rarely go outside and have a giant furnace in the basement? Or are they the busybody neighbors who keep trespassing and causing numerous amounts of property damage? Maybe those meddling neighbors should of just minded their own business, but where's the fun in that.

"Walter's dog just took a dump on Rumsfield's lawn again." - Ray

The director, Joe Dante, might sound familiar if you are a big fan of The Gremlins movies, Innerspace, Explorers, you know, defining 80's movies. Not only that, but Gremlins should be on everyone's top 5 Christmas movies. I know it gets a little fucking scary, but look into Gizmo's eyes and tell him it's not Christmas. I dare you. Aside from Dante, you have prime comedy-era Tom Hanks, right before he got into more dramatic roles and left his over-the-top hand gestures and his chris pratfalls to the wayside. Lest we forget, Bruce Dern, who when I saw Nebraska (the movie), I thought to myself that guy looks really familiar. Turns out he was in one of my favorite movies, MacGruber. Just kidding, it's The 'burbs. (That was a Will Forte joke, in case that wasn't clear. If you can't read it with my comical timing, it's your fault.)

"Art's got a gun." - Ray

This movie happens over a holiday week and obviously during the warmer months because it's assumed we are in the Midwest of the US and everybody is dressed like they are from California (maybe because it was shot on a backlot). There are only a few holidays that children (i.e. Dave and Ricky) would have a week off and maybe Art and Rumsfield but Ray would need to use vacation time. We have maybe an early spring break Easter week, Memorial Day (which would still overlap with the school year), Independence Day (but that would involve more fireworks and patriotic fun, and lastly Labor Day, end of the summer party. It's never mentioned except for the fact that Art and Rumsfield are always around and the movie only takes place over four days (five if you include the beginning when Ray wakes up early and walks over to the Klopeks house which could be included in the original four day depending on the time). The movie has to start on either a Monday or Tuesday for Art to ask Ray if he's taking the week off at the beginning of the movie and for Ray to tell Carol to 'have a nice weekend' before he sends her off to her sister's an hour into the movie (day 4). Not only that, why is he taking this time off, in the movie Carol (his wife) makes it sound like he had a nervous breakdown.

"...a hideous raging inferno." - Art

Let's talk about the Klopeks for a second. Courtney Gains, who has starred in a million things, most notably other than The 'burbs, Malachai from Children from the Corn and "Dixon" from Back to the Future (you might not remember the name, but you definitely remember the scene where some redheaded guy steal Lorraine from George McFly and Marty's hand starts to fade into non-existence, yeah, that cackling jerk was Courtney. Special shout out to the The 'burbs minute podcast folks. Listen to it because anyone could do a better job than I'm doing.) For Henry Gibson (the doctor), my fondest memories of him may be from Bio-Dome or Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but he's been in everything. Lastly, Brother Theodore, who was the voice of Gollum in the 1977 The Hobbit.

"Ricky Butler says they're nocturnal feeders." - Dave, Ray's son

"In southeast Asia, we call this type of thing bad karma." - Rumfield

Thank you, Joe Dante, for the Queenie close up.

"Ray, what were you saying the other day about half-cocked theories?" - Art

Random question, but does Ricky ever do anything more than move paint cans and order pizza? Not that there is anything wrong that.

"GARBIES, GARBIES, GARBAGEMEN!" - Art

If you are into maps, you are going to love this: backlot map link
Here are the house #s and residents:
667: Walter Seznick
668: undisclosed
669: The Klopeks
670: The Rumsfields
671: The Petersons
672: Ricky Butler
673: The Weingartners (Art)

Ricky's house is the Munsters house which is why we never see enough of it to be recognizable.

"A soldier's way saves the day." - Rumsfield

The three movies that Ray Peterson flip through before he has his nightmare are Race with the Devil (1975), The Exorcist (1973), and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) starring Dennis Hopper for that last movie.

"Who started this, tuna neck?" - Carol

"As soon as that car leaves in the morning, I'm going over the fence and I'm not coming back until I find a dead body." - Ray

Shall we talk about the dog who played Queenie, appearing in Batman Returns, an episode of Coach, Pee-wee's Big Adventure, and most notably as Precious in The Silence of the Lambs? There is a dog that has a better resume than most actors.

"Shut up and paint your house." - Rumsfield

Super spoiler: In the original script Ray Peterson was supposed to be killed by the Klopeks. However, when Tom Hanks was cast, the studio didn't think the audience would appreciate witnessing Joe vs the Volcano getting killed onscreen.

"...you can't go now. This is the best part. I called the pizza dude." - Ricky

More shitty fun facts (via IMDB):

At the time of filming, Corey Feldman and Michael Jackson were good friends. Bubbles, the famed chimpanzee of Michael Jackson, visited the set. On these occasions he would defecated and spread his feces all over Feldman's trailer, to the point that Joe Dante had to ban Bubbles from the set.
Tom Hanks improvised the scene where he picks up the gurney and puts himself into the ambulance.
The Klopeks named their Great Dane after a notorious French serial killer, Henri Landru.
The film was entirely shot on the Universal Studios lot.
The astronomic zoom at the beginning of the movie places the movie location in central Iowa; fictional Hinkley Hills is probably a 'burb of Des Moines.
In the Klopeks basement there is a sled with the name Rosebud - a reference to Citizen Kane (1941).
The trash that Art and Rumsfield throw into the street remains there for the rest of the movie and is run over several times by various people.

"Hey Pinocchio, where are you going?" - Rumsfield

The Recipe
Classic "Cul de Sac" Mac 'N' Cheese
(for original recipe click here)

For Cheese Sauce:
2 cups almond milk (or your favorite plant-based milk)
1 cup cashews, soaked for at least 2 hours
1 cup vegetable broth
1/2 onion
1 bay leaf
2 whole cloves
1/2 cup non-hydrogenated margarine or coconut oil
1/4 cup shallots, minced
1/3 cup flour
1 tsp dry mustard
1/8 tsp white pepper
1 tbsp vegetarian Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp chopped fresh thyme
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp cayenne
1/2 tsp salt

For the Filling:
16 oz. dry macaroni
2 cup Daiya shreads (or your favorite vegan cheese)
1/4 cup or more nutritional yeast
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1 dirty little secret

1. Preheat the oven to 375F. Grease a 2-3 quart casserole.

2. Cook the macaroni until al dente (a minute or two less than the package instructions). Rinse in cold water, drain and set aside.

3. Pour the non-dairy milk into a small sauce pan, stick the bay leaf to the onion with the cloves and add to the milk. Slowly bring the milk to a simmer on a medium-low heat. Melt 1/2 of the margarine in a medium sauce pan, add the chopped shallots and cook at a medium heat until soft. Add the flour, dry mustard and white pepper and cook another 2 minutes.

4. Slowly add the milk to the margarine/flour mixture, whisking constantly.

5. Once combine in a blender, add the cashews (soaked, then drained), the vegetable broth, and the milk/margarine/flour mixture. Blend until smooth.

6. Pour the mixture from the blender back into the saucepan. Add the studded onion and Worcestershire to the sauce and simmer at least 15 minutes, until thick and creamy.

7. Remove from heat, discard the onion. Lightly season with thyme and just a pinch of nutmeg and cayenne.

8. In the greased casserole dish, place the cooked and drained macaroni. Pour the cheesy sauce on top and few fist fulls of your favorite vegan shreads. Mix well.

9. Top with nutritional yeast and bread crumbs.

10. Dot with the remaining margarine and bake uncovered for 20 or 30 minutes until brown and bubbly.

11. Don't become a creepy neighbor and enjoy The 'burbs.

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of December 9, 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 05:04:00 +0000

The posts that used to be weekly, then monthly, and now it's a struggle to get one in a year. After a weak showing for VeganMofo which I blame mostly on Trump and cabinet appointments that should come with a trigger warning, I'm back with a list of this week's news that I will attempt to make not completely shitty and a tasty cocktail to take the edge off.

The first official trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming is finally here. 7.7.17 - Who's coming with me?
What about Bob?...cats and wolves. Illinois is trying to bring back bobcat hunting and Michigan is trying to bring back wolf hunting.

In Illinois: "The state banned bobcat hunting in 1972 and placed the species on its threatened list from 1977 to 1999." (via Chicago Tribune)
In Michigan: A bill was approved "...that would allow a commission to designate wolves as a game species if they are ever removed from the federal endangered species list." (via The Detroit News)

In both cases, there are a bunch of gun toting Elmer Fudd's waiting to kill an animal we just saved. I don't have time for this! We just elected a pussy-grabbing monster who believes climate change is a hoax for president. We're all going to be on the endangered species list soon.

To help the bobcats, there is no shortage of internet petitions and activists in Illinois are applying for the bobcat hunting permits with no intention of using it (story here).
To help the wolves in Michigan go to http://keepwolvesprotected.com/ (associated with the HSUS) or tweet at the governor like Kristen Bell and remind him about Flint while you're at it.
(If you have more information about what we could do to help these animals or other states nipping at the bit to kill off another endangered animal, please share!)

Dear MI Gov Rick Snyder @onetoughnerd: Michiganders have soundly rejected trophy hunting of wolves-Pls oppose SB 1187 & keep them protected.
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) December 9, 2016

Time Magazine names Trump "Person of the Year" and after four hours of scream crying Jezebel posted this delightful analysis of the photo quelling my scab-covered, bruised, and broken heart. So I ask myself, how did I get here? And there's no way he could turn this honor into something misogynistic, right?

Trump is now complaining about being named Time's "Person of the Year": "Who would rather have it be the Man of the Year?" pic.twitter.com/9Id0zGExbX
— Colin Jones (@colinjones) December 9, 2016

Oh fuck... sorry. Aren't you glad I started with the Spiderman trailer? That was good stuff.
Injustice Boycott. Sign up now. It's like an advent calendar except instead of eating a piece of chocolate everyday, you send a tweet @ a politician, share an article or donate money to a worthy cause and that's just one week in.
Tyson Foods, which according to Wikipedia is the world's largest processor and marketer of chicken, beef, and pork and annually exports the largest percentage of beef out of the United States, has launched a $150 million venture capital investment in meat substitutes. (via myveganjournal.com)

Cocktail of the Week: Hard Apple Cider Fall Cocktail with Smoked Sage (recipe courtesy of Chic Vegan)

This cocktail is a delectable boozy blend of gin and hard apple cider. I didn't know I could smoke sage until making this cocktail and I fully intend to continue. What else could smoked sage enhance? Martini? Mac 'n' "Cheese"? Hot Chocolate? Sky's the limit!

Email that crap out of us @ monicatara[at]gmail.com. Or just comment here! We love you and we want feedback and cocktail ideas!

Cinema with Comestible Accompaniments: Heathers

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 06 Nov 2016 02:27:00 +0000

A safe place for lovers of movies and pun-based food recipes with a fondness for TBS's Dinner and A Movie. Oh yeah, and all the classic Dinner and A Movie recipes will be veganized.

From 1995 to 2011, TBS provided recipes to compliment the movies they aired on a show hosted by Paul Gilmartin, Claud Mann (the chef), and what AV Club calls "a succession of female hosts" Annabelle Gurwitch being my favorite.

With two cookbooks and the vast internet, I plan on veganizing every Dinner and a Movie recipe I can get my hands on because this show deserves to live on in my cold dark vegan heart.

The Movie

Heathers (1989)
Leonard Maltin Review: **1/2 D: Michael Lehmann. Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, Lisanne Falk, Kim Walker, Penelope Milford, Glenn Shadix, Lance Fenton. Sharp, somewhat smug satire of high school social strata, with Ryder in a terrific performance as a girl who hangs out with the school's bitch-queens but doesn't feel quite comfortable about their reign of terror. Outrageous black humor works at first, but isn't sustained; uneven script goes far astray. Slater is commanding in his Jack Nicholson-esque performance. Feature debut for director Lehmann and writer Daniel Waters, with many virtues as well as flaws. [R]

Spoiler Alert: There may be spoilers peppered though the movie portion of this post, consider yourself warned.

The movie that answers the age old question: Are we going to prom or to hell?

Corn nuts...

High school was hard for most of us, but for Veronica, her "teen angst bullshit has a body count." (That sounds like the beginning to the trailer, right?) I remember thinking people in high school talked the way they did in this movie. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. (Side note: Dawson's Creek came out when I was in high school and none of my friends used half as many SAT words. That was very disappointing as well. I still want to marry Pacey, though.)

"...bulimia is so '87"

This movie has a special place in my heart (which is why I started with it) because it validated my disdain for the popular crowd and at the time I first saw it I wanted to be Winona Ryder. She was fresh off of Beetlejuice playing strip croquet with a pre-baboon heart Christian Slater. What's not to love? The movie is visually stunning as well. All the Heathers are color coded, presumably not to mix them up, but the use of color definitely adds to the story. First, we have Heather Chandler (Kim Walker) in red (power color), the Regina George of the group. Then there is Heather Duke (Shannen Doherty) in green... with jealously? which is established during the croquet game at the beginning of the movie and later when she gains possession of the red scrunchie. Heather McNamara (Lisanne Falk) in yellow, the weakest in the group, only because she's the realest person in the group who has real people feelings when people around her start dying. Veronica (Winona Ryder) wears lots of blacks and blues and she happens to be the one to introduce all the death and mayhem that follows.

"I gotta motor"

Both the Veronica and J.D. character have weird relationships with their fathers. Veronica's dad will throw out a rhetorical question as to why he does something and Veronica responds with, "...because you're an idiot." J.D. and his father, however, have this banter where they switch roles and J.D. refers to his dad as son. I'm struggling right now to think of a teen movie where the parent is shown as anything other than to create a conflict or completely pointless.

"...that the answers can be found in the MTV video games."

Something I just recently noticed is that Veronica uses a monocle throughout the movie and they never call attention to it. I need to get myself a monocle.

Another observation is Heather Chandler's coffee table contains a Cliffs Notes for The Bell Jar and Info Magazine with the cover article being "The Fall of the American Teen" which helps J.D. concocted the suicide idea.

My favorite character, hands down, is Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock with her Big Fun t-shirt and her plans to rent some new releases and pop some popcorn with Veronica on prom night. That would have made a great spin off or sequel.

My favorite scene is the Heather Duke funeral-dream sequence where everyone is wearing 3-D glasses and white gowns. This just help to prove that the 80's were superior in every way.

More quotes I love:
"Our love is God. Let's go get a slushie." - J.D.

"Chaos is what killed the dinosaur, darling." - J.D.

"I don't patronize bunny rabbits." - Veronica's Dad

"If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being you would be a game show host." - Veronica

Trivia:

Heathers was filmed in 32 days in July and August of 1988.
The Veronica role was originally intended for Jennifer Connelly, who turned it down.
Justine Bateman was also considered for the lead.
Brad Pitt auditioned for the role of J.D. but was considered "too nice." Thelma and Louise era Brad Pitt... he was too nice. Actually, Ocean 1000 era Brad Pitt still too nice.
Westerberg High was named after Paul Westerberg from The Replacements, Winona's favorite band at the time.
Ich Luge is German for "I'm Lying" - the bullet J.D. tells Veronica they are using for Kurt and Ram.
Ram - if you are a fan of the movie Summer School, he also plays a jock in that movie. The actor's name is Patrick Labyorteaux.
Something I learned from listening to the podcast Sweet Teen Club, the version of Que Sera, Sera in the movie is not the Doris Day version because she wouldn't let her vocals be used on any project that used profanity.
Soon there will be a TV series on TVLand based on Heathers. (Here's an article on Jezebel which is where I get all my news.)
Heathers: An oral history (courtesy of Entertainment Weekly)

The Recipe
Heathers 'Killer Pasta w/ Oregano'
(for original recipe click here)

For Pasta:
(I used the pasta recipe from Vegan Dad here)
2 cups flour (1 cup all purpose and 1 cup semolina)
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp fresh oregano, finely chopped
about 1/2 cup water
1 tbsp olive oil (optional)

For Sauce:
1 yellow onion, diced
1 lb ripe plum tomatoes
4 cloves garlic
1 tbsp tomato paste
1/3 cup dry red wine
2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 fist full of fresh oregano and basil (optional)
1 copy of Moby Dick
Mineral Water
Big Red Scrunchie
(The original recipe had cheese in the sauce, I took it out, get over it. Just add extra scrunchies.)

I advise following the Vegan Dad recipe for the pasta as I am a fresh pasta novice and used a humorously tiny rolling pin to roll out my pasta which took forever. I added the fresh oregano when combining the flours and salt.

The drying the pasta on the kitchen cabinet doors trick courtesy of the Vegan Dad blog.

Preheat over to 350F.

Combine the red wine, olive oil and tomato paste.
(My first attempt at this recipe I forgot to pick up wine and used balsamic vinegar instead. Turned out pretty good.)

Cut the tomatoes in half and arrange on a cookie sheet cut side up.

Drizzle the wine mixture over the tomatoes then top with the diced onions, garlic, salt and pepper. Bake for 30 minutes.

Post oven photo.

Put everything on the pan into the blender, minus the parchment paper. (What did we do before parchment paper?) When the sauce looks nice and smooth, add a fistful of oregano and/or basil and give it a few quick pulses to just roughly chop the herbs up.

And there you have it Veronica's favorite dinner Spaghetti with lots of oregano. Can you tell which one is from the movie and which one I made? Probably.

The next movie will be announce shortly. I was going to do The 'Burbs, but Netflix rudely removed it from streaming.

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 6

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 16:31:00 +0000

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Since they let most of this season finale leak and then announced Nick as the bachelor last week, watching and recapping this finale is nearly pointless, but so is this blog.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 6 (Finale): Good Talk

Speaking of pointless, they introduce one more contestant to paradise, Tiara, the chicken enthusiast. She didn't make it past night one on Ben's season of the bachelor so I'm guessing they assumed her odds would be just as good for BIP and why give her any chance to succeed. Back to the "chicken enthusiast" part, her introduction on the bachelor showed that she had a pet chicken however later in this episode they show her inhaling a plate of chicken wings while they play chicken noises in the background. Clearly, this whole season has had a five year old editing it.

If the producers told me I was getting dumped into paradise for the LAST EPISODE, with everyone and their mother already fully ensconced in their repulsive facsimiles of couplehood, I would go Full Chad and put Evan in a headlock so I could earn a sub-article in Star. Oh, and in case you forgot:

After Nick wrestles the date card out of Tiara's hands, he asks Jen to go on the date with him. Nick and Jen go to a carnival for Tiara's date. At some point right outside of the carnival, they have staged a fortune teller to tell Jen and Nick exactly what the producers want them to hear.

Nick takes it well and we get more conversation about Nick's walls.

Nick appreciates Jen for being the "first person" to challenge him to break down those darn walls. They make out while their beers get warm and Nick learns to be more vulnerable, or something. I find Nick's compliments very hard to believe since Jen has the personality of a mall mannequin, and not the cool kind with painted-on features. I mean the blank head-and-torso mannequins that model ironic newsboy caps.

Rolled up jeans and flip flop mega star, Brett has gotten himself into something of a pickle or the floor lamp equivalent of a pickle. A faulty switch? He realizes that he has a better connection with Lauren than Izzy, who left Vinny to be with him. Izzy's response is to leave paradise and call Vinny.

As Brett is dumping Izzy, she hangs her head in dismay, announces "I should go", and theeeennnn:

Brett gets an A-octuple-plus for his reply when Izzy says she's scramming:

I love that Izzy pretends it suddenly dawned on her she made a "huge mistake" by abandoning Vinny and left Brett and company behind so she could leap back into his arms. The ONLY REASON she wants Vinny is because Brett got her that job back at Dateless Wonders Inc. In the end it doesn't matter because Vinny doesn't want anything to do with Izzy's ass and hangs up so she can ruminate on her uneventful and peaceful ride to the airp-

Wells has some difficult decisions to make on the final rose ceremony night. In his love parallelogram or as Evan puts it "love quadrangle" he's got Ashley (everyone needs a Jared) I., Jami (I'm from Canada and have a Batman tattoo), and Shushanna (mathematician and sounds like Shakira when she talks). Shushanna does not want to compete for a man's attention, which make sense why she only made it to Week 3 on the Bachelor.

I hate to play devil's advocate here (no, I don't), but this is literally what you signed up for... to fight for a guy. I get it though, I would not fight Ashley I. for a man-boy-DJ. Shushanna leaves pre-rose ceremony.

Apparently the ghost of Bernard Herrmann scored the moment Shushanna realizes she's not thrilled with this gig. And I'm 45% certain she will return with her tail between her legs for Season 4.

Rose Ceremony:
Guys choo-choo-choose this week.

Josh - Amanda
Nick - Jen
Grant - Lace
Evan - Carly
Brett - has a realization that he's not here for the right reasons and leaves (you guys....LOL)
Wells - Ashley I. (because at least he won't have to have sex with her in the fantasy suite and Wells is a gentlemen)

Bye Bye to Lauren H., Jami, and Tiara.

The next morning, Carly sings a Monty Python-esque ditty about having anxiety because it's the dreaded Fantasy Suite day. (I can only imagine the amount of saliva ropes this will involve.)

There is an uncomfortable amount of talk about Ashley's virginity which is entirely unnecessary. Except maybe for Jen's comment about sitting on his...bleep? What is it? Cock? Dick? Pointed Sticks? Oh wait, that last one's a Canadian band.

Wells realizes the amount pressure on him to steal Ashley's virginity and decides to get the fuck out of there before that's his legacy in bachelor nation.

I didn't have a great feeling about Wells' time in paradise from early on, because he has a habit of looking into the distance like this:

The emotions playing across Ashley's face when Wells says he needs to go is some of the realest shit I've seen on tv. Jesus, Wells, you can't just go zip-lining or bird-watching with the woman, rank Hanson's albums from best to worst, and go to the Suite to order some of Josh's pizza stash and fall asleep after a few glasses of cabernet? Oh well. Yeah, you heard me - NO MORE PUNS.

So if you're not keeping track, the only couples left are Amanda and Josh, Carly and Evan, Jen and Nick and Lace and Grant. It's time for all of them to go on dates and then a night in the fantasy suite.

Grant and Lace walk around Sayulita, trying on hats and taking selfies. Of course, this leads to them getting a couples tattoo that says "Grace" both of their names merged to create at least a real word. At least if it doesn't work, you can tell people you were a really big Will & Grace fan or even Grace Under Fire or someone who has more than just TV references could think of something.

Clearly, Grant and Lace are the only people left in the world who don't know this is the only name combo that makes sense to tattoo on one's body:

Jen and Nick go surfing. I have a good feeling about this couple even though I heard he's going to be the Bachelor. Let's talk about those walls, Nick.

The camera shows us Jen's cellulite-free butt and concave abs as Nick continues to blunder through life with his douche-scruff and dramatically squinting eyes.

Carly and Evan, the weird couple, get some half naked painting date. Wonderful or too much footage of Evan bulge. Too much...

Evan lolls around in underwear that looks like it was given to him by an EMT on one of his 90 trips to the hospital. Carly feels "liberated"; or, to more accurately phrase it, Carly claims she feels liberated. She tells Evan at dinner that he's the type of person she "always wanted to be with". The five-year-old editor Monica mentioned cut the end of Carly's sentence: "...on this season of Bachelor in Paradise so I could stick around until the very end and make the cover of In Touch and finally convince you we need to go on Marriage Boot Camp to make some pocket money with Tamra and Eddie Judge".

Amanda and Josh play soccer with a bunch of kids. Since Amanda couldn't see Josh with her kids, she gets to see him interact with some Mexican kids first.

Josh literally doesn't register as a living being in my mind unless he's making sweet, twisted love to a slice of Mama Celeste.

After the fantasy suite:

Carly and Evan have some post-coital robe time while Evan tries to rap or rhyme uncomfortably.

The ONLY THING I will give Evan credit for here is that he doesn't lapse into Iggy Azalea-style mimicry while spitting his rhymes.

Lace and Grant, more robes, even more uncomfortable. Grant's all like, maybe two weeks isn't enough time to know someone to propose to them. Completely reasonable! Lace is crying either because her fake eyelashes are irritating her eye or this shows intense music cues are affecting her. I'm with you, girl, cue Monica's tears as she falls for this shit.

Jen and Nick drinking mimosas. Nick made a strong choice not to wear the hotel robe. I appreciate that.

Have Jen and Nick ever laughed together? Have they ever held a conversation or simply existed next to each other without showing the viewers this?

Amanda and Josh with plates of fruit on the bed. Josh in a grey t-shirt and black shorts and Amanda in a black nightgown, the only couple to completely disregard the hotel robes. Josh realizes that kids "sleep in" until 8:30am. That's not sleeping in, Amanda, that's waking up early for most people (read: without kids).

Josh begins to pull a Ben and tells the camera he and Amanda are "taking things very fast" and he has to be "mindful of [Amanda's] kids"; that may sound like he wants to make sure he doesn't screw them up emotionally by jumping into the picture before he and Amanda are sure this relationship will work (he certainly wants it to sound that way), but it really means "I have to keep in mind that Amanda has kids, and they get up when I'm usually stumbling into bed with a mouthful of Tree Tavern and a .25 BAC".

Then the proposals happen:

We all know Carly and Evan are getting engaged and if anyone in paradise is actually getting married, it's probably them. I wish all bachelor story lines were similar to this one. "I feel like my heart beats to your soul." Evan, what the fuck, when did you get so soulful?

Eww. Gross, Carly. Stop it!

Carly's face when Evan unleashes his "beats to your soul" line:

And, in loving loverly triumph, Carly and Evan roll into the sunset. Half of Evan's shirt is inexplicably unbuttoned and the nation shakes a Grandpa Simpson fist in protest. Carly can't wait to move into Evan's house so she can "cook dinners", "sit on his patio", and "MEET HIS CHILDREN". Ummm you guys are getting married so I hope that third part isn't a letdown.

Lace and Grant (even though Lace could of had a whirlwind romance with Chad) get engaged.

I'm willing to bet seven thousand dollars that TMZ will run footage of Grant slipping into a plastic surgeon's office to get laser tattoo removal before the year is over.

Jen and Nick... what's happening? Is this perfectly boring couple NOT getting engaged? Nick is the next bachelor, you say? Well, I did not see this coming!

Jen enters in a crop top as the "Chris Harrison Shows' Theme" plays:

Nick "bursts into tears" (he is a worse fake crier than the Olsen twins were in the 90s) and says that "something is tellling [him] to say goodbye" to Jen. Correct - Chris Harrison's offer to become the next Bachelor. Jen takes off in the Rejectmobile and I guess she's crying or whatever; who cares.

Amanda and Josh get engaged and now I'm seriously concerned about her and her children. Good Talk.

When Josh is giving his Big Speech to Amanda and says, "When I walked down those steps on that first day, and I saw you, and I thought..." I genuinely expect him to say "...I wanna hit that".

Josh and Amanda gush to the camera about their engagement and we see that Josh has soaked through yet another dress shirt.

Last but not least, epilogues! Highlight: Nia Peeples aka Caila and Jerkface Poop aka Jared decided to "just be friends".

Well now that this show is over, I'm going to go make out with a pizza.

So many questions are left unanswered. Why did Tara's title for these posts make zero sense? What does Bachelor in Paradise have to do with Christmas? How sweaty is Josh in not Mexico? Is Amanda okay with Josh's "alleged" emotional abuse? Does Evan really have kids or only when they are convenient? Will the fourth season of this show make even less sense? How single is Chris Harrison? Which couple's wedding will ABC actually pay to air? Does anybody have Daniel's phone number? Can me and the Twins be best friends?

Episode Stinger: Jorge gives us love advice, and his 30 seconds of comments reach an entertaining poignancy that Nick hasn't come close to on three different goddamned reality shows.

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 5

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 02:03:00 +0000

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where is Chris Harrison?

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 5: Wells that didn't last long.

The show opens with more Ashley-Jared-Caila drama... Ugh

I don't know if it's obvious yet, but I have a growing disdain for Caila. This does not mean that I excuse the behavior of Ashley or Jared. Caila, however, has no depth and it might be a conscious effort on her part to look "good" on television, just keep smiling and if it gets awkward just smile harder and no one will see how ugly you are on the inside. She's done some not so cool things and everyone seems to be able to look past that since she has great hair and Ashley's a mess. Lest we forget Caila is kind of at fault for this whole mess. If you have a "friend" or acquaintance who is obsessed with a guy to the point that every other word that comes out of her mouth is "Jared" and she specifically asks you not to pursue a relationship with this guy you have never met. Maybe don't go on a date with him and then when you two are all cuddly tell her, well you weren't interested but then you talked to him. You know what that means. That means your promises are shit, Caila!

What I'm trying to say is this whole thing is a mess and everyone is at fault.

Caila tells Ashley that Jared "loves" her: "You're like a sister to him". Ashley's murderous head tilt in reaction to that comment speaks for at least 25 of the world's nations.

Ashley simply has to sit Jared down again and sob until she can barely breathe while Jared is like:

Ashley summons her dead dog, Lucy to help her find a boy that will get her over Jared.

Lucy sends Wells, from JoJo's season and maybe my future boyfriend.

When Wells descends from heaven in his curlicued glory, Daniel declares, "Well, well, Wells!". Can we get Daniel a terrifying Kids in the Hall-esque show on IFC with John Dunsworth and Rick Moranis?

Everyone is excited that Wells is finally here. This might be Jared only shot at happiness. Hey Caila, who do you think Wells should take on his date?

Did you know Wells has a lot of dogs on his Instagram? It's true.

Jared & The Gang react with their usual subtlety and grace when Wells asks Ashley on the date:

Highlights of the Wells/Ashley date:
They actually eat the food on their plates. Even a stray dog gets some table scraps (Wells' 'dog voice' - wow. Marry me, sir). Ashley's favorite band is Hanson!

Yes, Rory Gilmore, Hanson is still together.

While Ashley and Wells have their fun, Caila caresses Jared's arm and gives it this weird, appraising series of squeezes before Jared climbs on her to make a scrunchy-faced, disingenuous child or whatever the fuck they're up to these days. They discuss the possibility of leaving the show soon to recede into romantic splendor aka dunderheaded fakery that is doomed to get torn apart by Ashley and Jared's friendship.

Lace and Grant get in a fight when Lace starts talking to Carl and teases Grant about not getting a rose. Grant and Carl are both firefighters that are covered in tattoos, is it possible Lace with a little tequila and her fake eyelashes melting off couldn't tell who she was talking to?

A storm has begun to brew, guys: The "Josh and Nick fight you've all been waiting for". I certainly haven't been waiting for it, because Nick is not Alex from JoJo's season. Nick has no interest in glaring and puffing his chest at a pizza-munching sociopath unraveling under the weight of the HGH. Nick wants to sit on beds with the most boring woman alive and talk about what steps she takes to get ready for bed. I'm one step away from finding Carl more interesting than Nick, and I don't clearly remember what Carl looks like as I type this.

On to Evan and Carly and the most hilarious exchange of dialogue so far this season:

Evan: This is really hard...like, really hard, but..I'm totally falling in love with you.
Carly: *struggling not to explode into derisive guffaws* I'M TOTALLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, TOO."

I'm certain Carly was trying to tell him she was totally falling in love with U2 after watching the tide roll in one dark night while looping "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me".

Sweet Daniel is desperate for a rose and amazing at playing this game. First, he made bracelets for the twins. Follows that up with a wonderful platter of "American...food" for Haley. Onion rings, chicken fingers, french fries, it's all there.

Knowing Izzy's predilection for men with lamps, he brings her a shinier taller version of Brett's lamp.

I'm deeply concerned that Izzy doesn't know the difference between watts and volts.

Actual quote from Brett: "Who needs a lamp when you've got Izzy's lips?". OKAY. I hate Brett and I just realized he's the second coming of Mason from *batteries not included:

"If a package washes up on the shore, it's my denim capris from Hollister."

Rose Ceremony:
Ladies give out the roses and Chris Harrison makes his only appearance this week.

Carly - Evan (Carly's detached long sleeves are making me nervous)
Ashley - Wells
Jen - Nick (I'm getting suspicious that Jen is literally an embalmed corpse controlled by puppeteers and everyone's too caught up in their own drama to notice.)
Izzy - Brett
Caila - Jared
Lace - Grant
Amanda - Josh
Haley - NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo, don't leave us!

The twins are done with paradise. Which means Daniel, Ryan, and Carl are leaving as well.

DANIEL NOOOOO!!

Emily and Haley take Amanda aside and in between sobbing warn her about the scary side of Josh. After they leave, all hell breaks loose. The twins are geniuses! What an amazing time to provoke drama! As you are leaving the country! Peace out, bitches!

Josh when he sees the Twins leading Amanda away to "talk":

What they left in paradise? A shouting match between Josh and Nick. Josh mentioning his dog's cancer as evidence that Andi's tell-all book is full of lies and he's here for the right reasons. I may have misunderstood him it's hard to read between the cliches. Amanda sticks by Josh's side even though she's been in bad relationships before she thinks she's a good judge of character. The eternal optimist.

Josh addresses the crowd and lets everyone know he's "really frustrated right now" and he's got a "genuine relationship with [Amanda] right now". Nick chimes in that he's having some doubts concerning this alleged "genuine" spirit and Josh lets it roll off his back:

Josh thinks Nick wants to sabotage his and Amanda's bliss because he's jealous. Amanda lingers on the sidelines and cries and Caila sits next to her, contributing the usual black chasm of zilch. Evan stands between Josh and Nick as they argue, begging to get another shirt ripped.

Caila walks by a sidebar conversation between Lace, Grant, Wells, and Ashley. As Caila walks away, Lace says, "I can't stand her." This is the first time they have let something negative about Caila be said by someone who isn't Ashley. What else are they leaving out? This is not isolated. No one seemed shocked by Lace's comment.

Next morning, when Wells is the only person awake and Jami from Ben's season shows up, she's asks him on a date before Ashley wakes up. Everyone assumes Ashley is going to get hysterical when she finds out, but what they don't seem to recognize is that Wells is not Jared so she doesn't give a shit.

I forget Jami exist as I watch her onscreen. So....dull. It shatters my heart to acknowledge that Jami and Jen are wandering around in the same paradise-iverse.

Caila and Ashley have another stupid conversation. Caila asks if Ashley would ever trust her. Seriously? You promised her off-screen that you had no interest in Jared and then you changed your mind and you expect to be friends with Ashley. Maybe this is weird editing, but I don't understand this stupid conversation. Ashley, just say no! So Caila, after creating this mess, starts to realize the only way to save face is to bounce. GTFO Caila!

Yo...is that welt on Caila's butt really from Jared smacking her? NOT COOL. Jared is incredibly overdue to take a giant piece of driftwood on the chin-wisps.

She goes to Jared, tells him she's leaving and he's like I need to go talk to Ashley about this. Really Jared, you need check with Ashley first. This makes me think Ashley isn't completely fabricating her relationship with Jared. Ashley has a celebratory taco before Jared slowly chases after Caila's car without packing.

Did Jared leave his stuff in paradise? Will Caila finally tell him to shave his stupid face?

Un-exaggerated quote from Ashley: "Everyone here loves Jared because he is the most wonderful person we've all ever met".

Ashley sobs herself into a coma as she tells Carly and Evan that she "just lost one of her best friends". Carly replies, "It's all gonna work out. Everything works out the way it's supposed to, Ashley". Things Carly needs to get reminded about:

- Police brutality
- 9/11

Wells romps back from his magical Batman date with Jami and feels the need to have a conversation with Ashley because he's attracted to Jami and is well aware of Ashley's "emotional fragility". I'm starting to miss Josh.

Izzy, about Brett: "I look at him and think he's just this perfect guy". Izzy always has this face on like she's about to sneeze or gag and I hate her. She wouldn't know perfection if it bashed her in the pineapples.

Enter Lauren, schoolteacher from Ben's season. She says Brett's outfit looks like a "prison suit" and very quickly earns 900 gold stars.

Boring-ass Shoshanna traipses into paradise and yoinks Wells. She comes on clownishly strong after knowing him for two minutes ("You'll protect me [from the crabs]. I'll take you to the shower with me"). Meanwhile, Lauren steals Brett for a double date with Shoshanna and Wells; Izzy's worry and sadness in light of this make her nauseated. NOW we're in business! Izzy's pain is my gain.

The foursome go surfing and Brett comments on the smokin' hot women who've accompanied him: "Today I brought my beeches to the beaches!". OH MY GOD BRETT I FUCKING DESPISE YOUR ASS.

Lauren is flat-eyed and has a habit of twisting her mouth when she talks; this combo makes her look like she's trying to maintain composure while watching a dying bull shark thrash through the sand.

In Carly-and-Evan Land, Carly gives Evan a boner that requires a censor's black box....

Amanda wears a tank top that says "Hot Sauce" and Josh continues to sweat profusely as Amanda dreams of getting engaged to him.

Josh takes Amanda on a date and tells her she's his best friend and that he's falling in love with her. Cut to spectacular fireworks and Josh apparently not sweating through his shirt for the first time this season.

Grant and Brett do this when Brett comes back from the double date and it's sublime:

We're getting SO DAMN CLOSE to the rip-roaring two-night finale! Proposals galore! Shoshanna-sobbing! Nick's fortieth engagement ring purchase in five years! This will be like infinity Christmases crashing into each other in my living room.

Episode Stinger: Brett destroys the lamp.

"GET THE GLUE."

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 4

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 28 Aug 2016 20:25:00 +0000

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where Chris Harrison gets to openly mock ex-Bachelor contestants.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 4: St. Yawn-mo's Fire

What the fuck is with the pseudo-sexual, culture-appropriating introduction they taped for Ashley?!

FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH - EVENING - ESTABLISHING

Ashley's tears crash down on the spirits of everybody in paradise. Jared attempts to crawl into himself and when that doesn't work he tries to be clear with her that he has no romantic feeling for her.

Sweet Jared, Ashley has a point, Caila wanted to be the next Bachelorette not date a guy who's dead behind the eyes from Rhode Island.

My favorite part of this episode was Jared trying to explain to Caila that the Ashley thing is no longer an issue while Ashley is audibly crying in the background.

Actual quote from Ashley, to Jared (JARED - we all remember his appearance and personality combo coming at ya like IBS and plantar warts, right?): "Nothing makes me happier than being with you!" Ashley lives a more miserable existence than Zelda from Ethan Frome and saintly Jorge yet again suffers for it when she retreats to the bar to sob her eyelash extensions into an inky paste.

After the commercial break, we see Josh EATING PIZZA AGAIN (my organs are failing), the Twins delighting the rest of the gang with Riverdance, and Carly forcing herself to pretend she's suddenly attracted to Evan so she can stay in paradise and wait for a new hunkalicious competitor to show up.

With everyone coupling up, the twins, Sarah, and Ashley have to battle for Daniel's rose.

So who will it be, Daniel? Will it be Sarah, who baked you half of a birthday cake "for your half birthday, Daddy?" So uncomfortable with the use of daddy in this circumstance. Will it be Haley who was coerced by Emily (her twin) to kiss Daniel? Will it be Ashley with her melting tearful face getting real with Daniel?

Although, Daniel calling Jared ugly while talking to Ashley, let's talk about this. Daniel gets so real. Jared's fucking facial hair is killing me! Chris Harrison himself told him to shave that shit and this fucking asshole just grew it back. Guess what if it was patchy the first time, it's gonna be patchy the second.

I'm with Monica here - Daniel is the realest motherfucker since Chad, but Daniel is superior to Chad because he's able to have an analytical conversation with another human being without 1) eating cold cuts or 2) immediately making a mortal enemy of that person and of the audience. Daniel is a fascinating soul. Are you an "old" virgin? Have sex with ten guys in a month and chances are you'll find something that sticks. Also, sex with a virgin is comparable to vanquishing Charlie. Daniel McGuire is a jaw-droppingly terrifying man and I'm starting to think he should take over when Conan O'Brien retires.

Rose Ceremony:
Guys are dishing out the roses...

Grant - Lace
Josh - Amanda
Nick - Jen (Oh yeah, them. I forgot they'd coupled up and also that they existed.)
Vinny - Izzy
Evan - Carly
Jared - Caila (Ashley is so correct: Caila "smiles when you don't have to smile". She's utterly carefree, which is always a sign of being a spiritless turd.)
Daniel - Haley

Ashley and Sarah get sent home (Sarah probably baked the other half of that cake and cut it with this when she got home) ... First off, Ashley promised to vomit in Caila's gorgeous hair if Caila was given Jared's rose, so... huge disappointment. Then, Ashley just comes back to Paradise.

As the group is celebrating love or whatever the fuck they're doing, Ashley sidles up and asks the group if she can come back... WTF! That's a thing? You can just ask if you can stay! So while behind the camera the production team is holding everyone's contract over a lighter, they quickly agree to letting Ashley ruin Jared shot at "love." Caila's face is the best, though.

As fake as all her smiles are, this is the one she reserves for her enemies.

I'm certain Chris Harrison entered a rage-levitation and hurled his body like a laundry bag in front of the SUV carrying Ashley away. No way in HELL is she going home so soon. Not while reality TV's answer to Don Corleone is in charge.

Next morning, enter a bunch of unmemorable dudes from Bachelorette's past, named Carl and Brett.

Brett continues his "hilarious" tradition of arriving with a floor lamp and I am immolated by my own hatred. Lace's evaluation, "Those pants and flip-flops, though", earn her two Olympic medals.

Brett is totally into Caila, so Jared is freaking out while Ashley is preemptively celebrating Jared's heartbreak.

Evan's pithy observation: "Brett came in with a lamp, and Caila flipped the switch on Jared". Here is a photo of a person who's funnier than Evan:

Caila agrees to go on a date with Brett... waits for Jared's weak but understanding response (which I'm assuming Caila wanted Jared to piss on her and claim her as his property). So Caila declines Brett's offer and then she wants to go on the date and then doesn't and then she does and then she doesn't and after forever she finally agrees to go. Ugh... Caila, this is why you didn't get Bachelorette, you're the Jared of female contestants.

When Caila is first expressing interest in going on a date with Brett, she says to Jared, "I like you, but...I don't know" and it is the most hetero cis male response of all time. I'm tempted to respect her for this unintentional revenge tactic on behalf of feminists. The ambivalence that follows, however, shows how much of a twee little attention hog she is and I want to throw her (underhand, as if I'm back in grammar school trying in vain to sink a basketball) into the choppy waves.

All things considered, Jared takes Caila's final decision pretty well:

Booze Cruise!!!! And no one can remember Carl's name, but Emily is totally into Kevin...Clark...Curt...Scott... CARL!!

While Caila is on her date, Ashley moves in on Jared. Unfortunately, Caila is not grinding with Brett and having a great time like Emily is with Carl. Caila spends too much time on the boat being a Debbie downer and talking to Brett about how much she wishes she stayed with Jared. (I'm trying so hard not to hate Caila, but she makes it so hard.)

Brett just wants to go Magic Mike on Caila so she'll ride him like Seabiscuit, and she responds:

Then she returns to paradise and starts making out with Jared and Ashley yet again recedes into her chasm of love-starved despair.

The most vanilla person who ever lived, Ryan, suddenly appears to find love and Jared leaps at the chance to dump his stalker on someone. MISSION FAILED so here comes the Bearded Bland-O creepin on Haley and scoring a date, to Daniel's chagrin. Haley is very eager to hang out with Ryan because the Canadian Don Juan makes her want to cough gobs of puke into the air, totally unbeknownst to him. Ryan's claim to Bachelor Nation fame is being forgettable and he follows through here. I kept forgetting he was on the magical horse date with Haley.

Then a rogue Grant and Lace appear and get heavenly massages and sip champagne in the hot tub. Grant dumps the love bomb on Lace and she bursts into tears of joy but can't reciprocate his feelings yet, which is obviously fine. What ISN'T fine is Izzy's wandering schmoopie-eye. Izzy thinks Brett is "beautiful" and suddenly seems to think Vinny is sort of cool or whatever but basically as attractive as a colonoscopy. Izzy sits Vinny down and tells him she's "only 75%" into him and wants to "be 100%". Vinny has to understand that Izzy totally sees herself being 100% with a lamp-toting doofus she's known for literally 15 minutes. Vinny reacts by mentioning Brett's rolled-up jeans and sandals to the camera while simmering with wounded anger. A+++++++

Grant keeps the lighting-related hilarity rolling by telling the camera, "Some guy walked in a with a lamp, and.....a light bulb went off in Izzy's head, I guess". (Do these guys get paid by the pun?) Carly astutely observes that if Izzy dumped Vinny based solely on looks, her feelings for Vinny from the get-go were most likely some fluffy-ass bullshit.

Looks like nobody was in it to Vin it!

And now, the "dramatic new" second helping:

Vinny gently confronts Izzy about her opportunism and Izzy stares at him like this before sobbing at his farewell announcement:

Evan pours sympathy into the tropical air because the gang just saw their "first breakup". Uh, Evan, Carly has already broken up with you 4-7 times; wake up.

Out of nowhere, Jade and Tanner! The gang is invigorated by the living proof that you can find everlasting love in paradise. (I will bet you ten thousand dollars they'll divorce before good old "School to Prison Pipeline" Clinton ends her first term. If you didn't get enough of Jade and Tanner, see them on the upcoming season of Celebrity Marriage Boot Camp. Not kidding.) The marrieds start sniffing around to determine who's clicking and who isn't, dragging us into Operation RIP Lace and Grant.

Ashley tells J&T that Caila is a "fake person" and is certain her buddies won't give Caila and Jared a date card because they've "always had a soft spot for [Ashley] and Jared". Fifteen seconds later, to nobody's surprise but Ashely's, they enthusiastically toss Disney Kid and AshKutch the date card. TOTES HILAR.

Caila is totally provoking Ashley! If someone wants to claw your eyes out, maybe don't rub your relationship with her obsession in her face. Watch a couple Lifetime TV movies, people get murdered for less.

Meanwhile, the gang continues to fall apart; Jen tells Nick he "put[s] a wall up". If she means a wall of soporific timidity, kudos to her.

Jared frolics in the moonlit water with Caila on their date and says he can "see what Ben was talking about": There's just sooomething about that Caila that drives him wild. Knowing Jared, here's the three-part "something": 1. Smiles for no reason
2. Zero percent body fat
3. Awful

Carly and Evan participate in an intense spiritual ritual and the beckoning of The Rose is so loud in Carly's ears that she tells Evan she's "falling more and more for [him]". They make out in the sweat lodge and Carly is apparently no longer scarred by the Pepper Incident. Well, either that, or she recently spent four hours in Chris Harrison's dressing room as he snapped, "Seriously? Who ELSE is going to love you?! Just take the bait and stretch that 15 minutes of fame, you jabronie".

Ugh, watching Carly and Evan make out makes me feel like Haley after she kissed Daniel. Carly really needs to stop mentioning her "lady boner."

Caila tells Jared that Ashley is in love with him and Jared sheepishly replies, "Well, I don't know if she's IN LOVE with me." Jared....

Ashley tells Jared that it looks like he's more into Caila than she's into him and stupid Jared immediately runs up to Caila alludes to people telling him they are questioning Caila's interest in him. People, Jared? You mean Ashley. Then begins another stupid conversation between Caila and Ashley. This is all over Jared?!?!? Where the fuck is Wells? I need this stupid triangle to end or become a parallelogram.

What say you, Week 5?! Will Lace admit she's not that into Grant's chiseled jaw and pack her bags? Will Josh smash a steaming Digiorno in Nick's face as they scream at each other about Amanda? Is Haley finally going to execute this pop culture nudge??

Until next time, Stay Daniel my friends!

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 3

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 20 Aug 2016 03:06:00 +0000

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: How Chris Harrison gets paid vacations from ABC.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 3: The exciting continuation to Evan's humiliation tour.

The best thing to come out of Evan awkwardly prying Josh and Amanda's lips apart to ask Amanda on a date is the 5 minutes of screen time they spend on Josh consuming a greasy pizza. Apparently the pizza is Mexico is "pretty darn good", but you don't have to take my word for it.

Evan toddling across the beach in his thong flip-flops toward Amanda's and Josh's liplock was a stellar opener. Quote of 2016 from, of all people, Vinny: "I just wanna shake Evan and say, 'Just stop being the awkward dick doctor'." A.D.D. leads Amanda away for white wine and dinner and Amanda is so overwhelmed by how pathetic he is that she dissolves into tears.

I believe they served Josh Ellio's as a joke and he still eats it like he's getting an otherworldly blowjob because he's ten sheets to the wind. When he insincerely furrows his brow at Amanda in the aftermath of her "date" with Evan and says "Don't cry" (chewing with his mouth open, no less) he becomes the most punchable reality tv figure since....well, Evan.

There is something about Josh that just makes me want to slap him. I hate you so much you disgusting beautiful garbage angel. Slap!

Let's not forget how sweaty Josh is.

He looks greased up like a Tongan flag bearer... Slap

I know they are trying to build suspense as to whether Josh will give Evan another nose bleed, but Josh has no depth so he keeps spitting out cliches and saying nothing. Even Evan feels like he's talking to a mannequin. (Great movie by the way.) Actually Evan says some shit about him hiding behind inspirational quotes and someday he'll explode. Spoiler Alert!

Rose Ceremony #2

Ladies pick this week:
Lace - Grant
Izzy - Vinny
Emily - Jared
Amanda - Josh
Sarah - Daniel
Carly - Evan
Haley - Nick

Bye, Bye Brandon and Christian. We hardly knew you.

The producers keep playing Josh's "pizza sex" grunt and I'm a touch perturbed. He sits at the Rose Ceremony in the absolute nadir of hyperhydrosis as Chris Harrison and Carly look on in revulsion.

Christian declares that he will do "anything [he] possibly can" to get Sarah's rose. Mission FAILED because here comes Maple Syrup McGee aka Daniel! He shows Sarah how "giddy" she makes him by shaking his feet and getting stung in the chin by a bee. I can't help but recall that Sarah is one of the people Daniel thought was ugly their first day in paradise. This is truly a John Hughes film.

Evan reappears to Amanda and spills the beans about former Bachelorette Andi's tell-all book, which paints Josh as an "abuser". He's a bona fide frozen pizza abuser, that's for damn sure. Josh overhears that Evan is talking shit about him and responds by looking exactly like this:

He confronts Evan and insists he's just a guy "trying to make a positive impact". (I think he means that he's preparing to make a "positive impact" on Evan's skull with his fists.)

Evan's "I am hearing you out" face when Josh is pleading his case:

Amanda tells the camera, "If somebody wanted to come up and, like, warn me about somebody, I would usually listen". I'd love to get the opportunity to meet Amanda so I could warn her that Tom Hanks subsists on a diet of human flesh; she'd probably listen.

Evan laments that he always gets "stuck in this self-assigned protector role". Honey? Who are you protecting!? Evan is quite literally Scrappy Doo and the nation is weary.

If Carly was not into Evan, she's made a huge mistake giving him a rose this week because Evan thinks he's got a second chance at winning her heart and I'm one thousand percent on board for this inexplicable coupling.

I think Carly is the most heinous person alive for giving Evan that "PLATONIC!!" rose. Granted, she hasn't known Evan that long, but she's been exposed to enough of his delicate radiation to assume that no action she takes will be interpreted as platonic. Stabbing him with a more-than-willing crab would be seen by Evan as a marriage proposal.

Brandon going home .0000009 seconds after arriving: Bless you, ABC.

Caila arrives! Cue the birds. Thankfully, she reminds us that she's sex panther.

Caila asks Jared on her date because for some reason everyone loves Jared. Jared, our dollar store Ashton Kutcher, who is the equivalent to eating pancakes at a waffle party. I should leave the insults to Tara. (My assessment: Insult totally accurate.)

This of course breaks Emily's heart and since the twins are the best part of this show right now, I'm pissed! Emily, Jared is boring and you need a man who has a personality and that is not something you will find in paradise.

Lace declares that she "might have to slap a bitch" if Caila asks Grant on a date. Be careful Lace; don't get arrested for child abuRIMSHOT. Emily correctly identifies Caila as condescending when she isn't even sure what "condescending" means. Sometimes all you need is instinct, Emily (also, Emily's bleeped-out reaction when Caila asks Jared on a date speaks for every single one of us). Go the fuck home, Disney princess!

Am I in the middle of a fever dream or did a cartoon bear in a Charmin commercial just call someone "Skids"? Oh my GOD.

After a momentary flash of pain, we're back to the show: Jared pulls Emily aside and pretty much asks for her permission to go on the date with Caila. Emily gives him her blessing because she's chill like that. However, she continues to offer her scathing review of Caila's behavior (to my utter delight): "Everything is like a pageant queen and it's almost fake". Take out the word "almost" and you're right on the money, Emily!

Jared's date with 2-month-old Caila is the "best date he's been on in paradise": making horses walk through ocean water. Caila looks at Jared with "those big brown eyes" and Jared replies:

Oh yeah, and then Daniel drinks out of Vinny's belly button. He's Canadian, it's okay.

I have to disagree with Monica here; my dry heaves almost made me lose consciousness.

Carly comparing herself and Sarah to Statler and Waldorf: twelve thousand Roger Ebert stars.

Jared and Caila triumphantly return to the group and Emily is STRESSED because Jared has started dickishly ignoring her. Hayley wears cute little Star Wars buns in her hair and tells Emily that Jared "seems really comfortable around [Caila] and really nervous around [Emily]". I think Jared is nervous around Emily because he's frantically trying to figure out how to hook up with Caila without Emily noticing.

Jared shockingly acts like an adult, albeit a shitty adult, and drops the bomb on Emily that he wants to "explore things" with Caila. In response, Emily unleashes this beyond-quotable quote to the camera, while in tears:

"I always meet these great guys and they never pick me. They always pick someone way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me."

Jared better watch is back, because cosmic revenge is a dish best served Ashley.

The two most boring couples go on the FIRST EVER DOUBLE DATE in paradise. That's right Vinny, Izzy, Grant, and Lace go to the discotheque for a foam party. Nothing interesting happens. Lace almost gets into a fight and Grant shuts it down. Meh.

Vinny wears a button down shirt with a "lipstick mark" print and I want to bend at the waist while casually puking. Izzy is, and I quote, "in it to Vin it". STOP EXISTING ON THIS SHOW.

Sarah and Carly not to be outdone invite Daniel and Evan to have their own double date which consists of them just playing drinking games. Then Evan has some sort of "medical" issue where Carly has to sleep in his bed with him. It's science. You're not supposed to understand it.

Evan tries to do a push-up with Carly sitting on his back and shows the world he is fifteen times weaker than Mr. Burns.

Evan throwing himself at an ambivalent Carly while loaded (and after wasting paramedics' time) is unequivocally terrifying.

Back to Amanda and Josh:

Slap!

The producers do the old "train speeding into the tunnel" bit while Amanda seals the deal with Josh. They also play back Amanda's moans of pleasure. I will never turn on my TV again.

The next morning Josh celebrates his sexual victory by dropping a cream cheese bagel on his crotch.

There haven't been enough tears this season. Where the fuck is Ashley I?

Aww, there she is! Sorry, Jared, the fun and games are over. Hey, here's an idea, why don't you grow up and be honest with the women in your life as opposed to stringing them along.

Chris Harrison is pleased as punch to see Ashley and it's adorable. Exchange of the decade:

Chris: The crying...how's that going?

Ashley I: Well my goal for this season is to only cry three times.

Chris: A day...

Ashley I: No, three times, ever. Total!

Jared's reaction when Ashley appears to the gang:

The Twins tell Ashley they've never seen Jared so "excited and assertive to go after [Caila]" and Ashley begins her emotional armageddon as the camera lingers on her 9-inch eyelashes.

Ashley cries for at least 40 minutes of the show. She's goes on her date with Daniel and it goes surprisingly well.

Carly, to the camera: "Ashley, always crying...running around, crying."

False. Sometimes Ashley takes a quick break from crying and running around to engage in David Berkowitz-esque conversations with a parrot.

Jorge, the bartender, gives Ashley the silver lining to a date with Daniel as opposed to no-tits-Jared.

Is it possible that Jared never went further with Ashley because he disagreed with her choice of favorite color? Or maybe it was her favorite number?

A tropical storm hits the island as Ashley and Daniel wander off to dinner. Ashley breaks the ice with, "So, other than being Canadian, what do you do?" AWESOME. Daniel confirms that he primarily drinks maple syrup. Ultimately, Ashley gets kidnapped because she's a virgin and Daniel is left to nibble his poutine alone.

Jared is starting to get frustrated because Caila is "holding back" emotionally and the audience can't help but drown in "Ben's Season" nostalgia. I wonder if Caila is at long last going to embrace her love for Jared, creep up behind him like a carefree little Hobbit, and get tossed to the curb.

Josh and Amanda were reminding me of something I couldn't put my finger on. It finally hit me: RichandAmy from the Zits comic strip I read in college:

Jen shows up in Paradise and I barely remember her.

Jen asks coffee-n-abs Nick on her date. Yadda yadda yadda they're in love this week.

The paradise crabs return, and they want Nick's mortal soul!

Evan goes to the hospital in his last ditch effort to get Carly to fall in love with him and astonishingly it might be working.

Evan's ankles are swollen so he has to go back to the hospital; he eagerly accepts Carly's quarter-assed offer to go along.

I am certain the producers paid a Mexican hospital $300,000 to play along with this bullshit. Oxygen mask, IV, ambulance wail, the whole megillah - for mildly swollen ankles. Daniel got speared in the face by a fucking nocturnal jungle insect and not a single eye was batted.

Ashley is dealing with Jared's romantic fuckery quite well:

She pulls Jared aside to frantically beg for his love and he reacts with typical maturity and compassion:

Will poor Ashley ever find another Jared? What the hell did Vinny say about Izzy that's making them both act like they just watched the end of Hachi? Is Jen an actual person or do the interns keep propping a cardboard cutout from American Apparel next to Nick? Find out next week on Schmachelor in Jorgedise!

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 2

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 14 Aug 2016 20:47:00 +0000

I really hope I don't eat all these sour patch kids while I write this up. Let's dive in.

Week 2: The First Rose Ceremony and a Hot Mucus Filled Kiss

Because they are beating this whole Chad thing like a dead horse, we get to relive the end of last week as Chad storms off. Chris Harrison clearly pissed off that the whole Chad situation is eating into his quality sipping mimosas in a robe time. He's never going to get that time back, CHAD!

For some reason, they thought it was prudent to give Chad a bottle of whiskey to drink as they drove him far away from paradise. (Does Chad have a contract rider? Why does he get whiskey and cold cuts for his ride of shame?)

I'm a little disappointed BIP isn't airing on circa-2006 VH1, because that network would have given The Chad at least two viscerally terrifying seasons of Chad of Love in response to this mess. Quote of the year from Chad: "I'm never gonna be the Bachelor; like, what am I gonna DO now?" Drunkenly revealing an ulterior motive that dates back to Magic JoJo Hour is as fascinating as it is pitiful.

Chris Harrison's bemused stare as Chad threatens to walk home from paradise made me think of a dad emerging from his house at 5am to deal with a son who just got dumped on the grass by his Uber driver after a long night in the Meatpacking District.

New bachelor reject, Leah shows up looking for Chad. Everyone has to awkwardly explain that even though Chad is very humorous to watch on the TV, in real life he's scary and is probably killing all of the loved ones while they couple up in paradise.

I was pretty crushed that Leah finally found a super cute guy with a shared love of protein, and Chris Harrison ripped him away.

She asks Nick on her first one on one date right before he's about to feel up one of the twins' scoliosis hump. Tough break, Nick.

Currently I am Team Twinsies all the way. Those wiggly-spined mean girls target the people I don't like and I simply can't complain. (I was hoping they'd have a split screen "before and after" of Leah because I don't remember what she looked like before she got the Kylie Jenner special from her plastic surgeon.) Nick was so blindsided by the Twins' chutzpah that a lens popped out of his Maybachs.

For Nick and Leah's date, they arrive at Mexico's renowned Festival de Margaritas.

As is everything on this show, this is not a real festival, but when in paradise drink all the tequila.

Leah gushes to the camera about Nick's washboard abs and "lumberjack" vibe. I assume her definition of the latter is "patchy beard and emotional constipation".

When Nick and Leah get back from their date, Nick gets a date card, and Nick naturally asks Leaaa...Amanda on his date. Leah's only retaliation is to Single White Female Amanda while she's getting ready.

The shot of Leah's reflection in Amanda's mirror as she looms over Amanda is worse than anything in Halloween. Nick is "all about getting to know other people" and Leah needs to accept that. Twin on the Left comes to Amanda's defense during an interview and says that Amanda is "50 million times prettier" than Leah. Tell us how you really feel, Twincinnati! Leah cries because she hasn't been in a decent relationship in years (that might have something to do with her behavior suggesting she sneaks into her crushes' homes and chews on severed locks of their hair while they sleep).

Why is Vinny getting so much screen time? Why are Sarah and Izzy BATTLING for this man? Picture a guy who got turned down for Jersey Shore. Now picture the reject version of that reject. Vinny.

Carly and Evan kiss and they are totally on the same page about it.

The connection between these two is like metal in the microwave, sparks everywhere. This is going to be so awkward, I loooove it!

Evan's hand making delicate tracings around his left nipple...

Despite the kiss from hell, there's something about Evan that Carly is "super attracted to". Correct - his rose. Evan is the Elijah Wood of paradise, and I don't mean the measured, stalwart Radio Flyer Elijah. I mean the Wilfred Elijah.

Leah doesn't think Amanda should get Nick's rose; Amanda is a mom, so she's going to be "dependent" and "needy". Leah is the quintessential milleniasshole. I'm willing to hand twelve gold stars to Nick for backing into her with the "no offense but I hate your Kate Hudson-looking ass" truck.

Daniel becomes the "wild card" and wants to "bang" one of the Twins despite the fact that he indirectly called them morons - straight white cis male ahoy!

Rose Ceremony

The guys are giving out the roses this week:

Grant - Lace

Nick - Amanda

Evan - Carly

Jared - Emily & Haley

Vinny - Izzy

Daniel - Sarah

Leah and Jubilee are sent home.

Jubilee's exit was fucking depressing. Candid pic of me watching Leah's exit:

Leah's devastation >>>>> live brontosaurus herd

Next morning, enter Josh, winner? of Andi's season of the Bachelorette (the runner-up being abs and coffee norm-core Nick). Josh and Andi were engaged for the minimum acceptable amount of time before they broke it off. FYI, Josh is here for the right reasons and none of those reasons are not seeming like a TOTAL douche of TV.

Why is this guy capturing the libidos of all the women? He has mannequin eyes and Justin Bieber-ish swagger and I want to punch him in the veneers.

Josh asks Amanda on his date and they start making out and never stop.

Side note: I love that this season is chronicling the lives of the paradise crabs. They walk sideways, they make love, they support Chad's head while he's unconscious, they rock.

Evan tells Daniel he wants to "ride horses in front of the sunset" with Carly and I want a Clydesdale to kick him into the merciless sea.

Because Carly isn't really feeling the whole Evan thing, but he's totally into her, guess who gets a date card? EVAN! Evan asks Carly to join him on his date and since their last kiss wasn't hot enough for her, the producers have a surprise up their sleeves... The Guinness Book World of Records with Chris Harrison are ready for Carly and Evan to break the record for the longest hottest habanero kiss. That would involve consuming a habanero pepper and kissing for a minimum of 90 seconds.

The saliva strand that never ends. That's promise for a lasting relationship.

Is this the first time in Bachelor/ette/in Paradise history that someone has literally vomited from a disgusting kiss? I have a feeling Wells is coming to replace Evan.

Emily's and Jared's relaxation time further pushes the fact that women have to do everything, for everyone, FOR ETERNITY. Jared is a warm puddle of Sunny D with less game than an arcade gutted by a fire. I hate him.

FYI, Jared, questions like what's your favorite color and number do not qualify as conversation topics for anyone over the age of eleven.

On to the second adventure this week:

We open with Daniel attempting to count his abs and predictably failing. Nick is continuing to express his searing animosity for Josh because Amanda pushed The Lumberjack aside to hook up with Josh until one of them dies.

Suddenly Christian bounds onto the sand to shake things up; Sarah and Amanda catch his eye. EVERYBODY wants the goddamned 'Manda, dude. Ultimately, he asks Sarah on a date, sparking the ire of Daniel, who hangs close like a key supporting player in Strange Brew 2: Tropical Stalkers.

Daniel suggests to the camera that Evan get a makeover to become attractive in Carly's eyes. Cut to Carly explaining to Izzy and Amanda that Evan's hands were "all...over...[her] body" during their habanero kiss, with this expression:

She's surprisingly straightforward when she breaks it off with Evan, saying she's not romantically attracted to him and feels no chemistry, so she wants to be nothing more than his friend. Footage of Evan walking away from Carly:

He sobs on his bed, and the world sobs with him. Psych; this is hilarious.

Thankfully Jared helps to put this all in perspective:

I guess that's it for Evarly, the erectile dysfunction karaoke power couple.

Christian and Sarah repel down a rock wall and make out and it's all so dull that it borders offensive.

Things kick back into gear when Soulja Boy video star / sunken-eyed ventriloquist's dummy Brandon appears to find love after coming up short on Desiree's season (which I regrettably didn't watch). Chris looks like he's suppressing derisive laughter as he hands Brandon a date card. Brandon chooses Haley to "go talk" with him, then pulls Carly aside to "go talk" aaaaand finally asks Haley on a date. OUCH. I appreciate the maneuver to make his date more worthwhile, but if you're going to use it, tell the loser you had a great time talking but felt more of a spark with the winner. He chose Haley for the date in front of the whole gang without paying Carly the meager courtesy of eye contract. I think Carly is an asshat (like pretty much everyone else except Lace) and still found this rude.

Emily gets plowed at Jorge's Bar and lives it up with Izzy, Amanda, Lace, and (naturally) indispensable bartender Jorge. I would kill to knock back some Miller High Lifes with this crew on a lazy Saturday.

Christian and Sarah return from their date and knock the others to their knees with palpable waves of dullness. Daniel fumes in the background. In a truly shocking turn of events, Sarah says that during this date, with all the ziplining and repelling and kissing, she was thinking about how much more fun she would have had if Christian was Daniel.

Haley has a "trick up her sleeves" with her date with Brandon.

YASSS, Haley, thank you. This is why I wish I had a twin, so that I could swap out in uncomfortable situations. I have two theories about how this "switcheroo" will pan out next week. Either they are playing a trick on the crew and didn't switch at all (because no one can tell them apart and that would be hysterical) or he'll actually fall for Emily and get sent home.

Evan is in such a tailspin over Carly dumping him that he plots to win over Amanda, who has been making out with Josh for literally 24 consecutive hours. I would bet every penny I own that the producers urged Evan to do this so international audiences could point and laugh in solidarity. I'm also sure they stockpiled Evan's blood type because they assumed Chad was going to seriously injure him. Since Chad's gone, they can't let that go to waste. Good luck, Evan.

Evan's been a willowy nice guy long enough. Time to take charge and make Josh want to crush his skull under a boulder! Shit gets realer than real next week....

I beg you to stick around for this episode's credits treat. A teaser:

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 1

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 22:53:00 +0000

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where Bachelor Rejects stop being polite and start getting real.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Episode 1: Here ToChad, Gone Tomorrow

Ex-bachelor contestants arrive one-by-one on a beach in Mexico slowly working on their base buzz with tropical cocktails: Amanda (Minnie Mouse voice with the kids), Nick (Runner up on 2 seasons and posts photos on Instagram of him shirtless and drinking coffee, not complaining), Jubilee (my favorite X-Men character and should of been the Bachelorette), Evan (the penis guy according to Jubs), Vinny (cuts hair and reads InTouch magazine), Carly (cruise ship karaoke artist), Grant (firefighter), Daniel (Canadian), Sarah (don't know her, she's before my time), the Twins (twins), Izzy (worn a onesie once), Lace (not crazy, not that there is anything wrong with that), Jared (I'm sure Tara has something - I do; Jared is a bowl of unflavored instant oats that shops at Urban Outfitters), and the titular hurricane on wheels, Chad.

Nick claims he's a super genuine guy who wants people to see him for who he really is, which is a fifth-rate Jason Segel.

Daniel explains that herpes isn't a big deal because it's treatable nowadays (valid point) and reminds us that:

pteradactyl > eagle >>>>>> pigeon

Evan shows us what a tough guy he's become by standing on a rock and throwing the most pitiful little jabs since Gizmo started training to beat up Mohawk.

Chris Harrison and presumed brother/lifemate Jorge await the losers rolling into paradise for a second chance at love. Amanda shows up in a floor-sweeping blue sundress and chats with Chris while this happens:

Everyone is talking about Chad, as would I. Everyone who didn't have to yawn their way through JoJo's season wants to meet Chad.

Chad's entrance was predictably dramatic, but I wasn't prepared for the heart-stopping production values:

There is also way too much talk about people's attractiveness rating out of 10. Daniel is very picky for an idiot, comparing some of the girls to bruised fruit (also poodles and yorkies - was he throwing it back to 1992 and calling Amanda and Jubilee dogs, or is he ranking by breed? The moment he calls someone he thinks is hot a "golden retriever" is the moment I silently beg Evan to slip a megadose of Viagra in Daniel's Molson). Where Chad says all the girls are tens, which is very classy and he is the perfect gentlemen...until he gets the liquor in him and he turns into Mr. Lahey on a bender, if Mr. Lahey was a violent misogynist that told everyone to suck his dick...so nothing like Mr. Lahey. I tried too hard to make that work.

Daniel and Emily walk off to have a private conversation, which her own sister says, "It's probably the stupidest conversation ever." (Side note: Does this mean Haley's the smart twin?) They see a fish and Daniel goes in for the high five...

Sorry, Randy Bachman "No Sugar Tonight" Get it? Because he's Canadian.

Daniel also has a conversation with Izzy that takes about 5 seconds to get awkward. Izzy's wince when Daniel rambles about Evan fixing ugly penises and adopting children speaks for us all. Two girls down, six more to go, Daniel!

Jared makes a comment about hoping this paradise is a little bit easier, which I can only assume means no Ashley I. drama. Sorry, Jared, I've seen the teasers for this season and there is definitely Ashley I. drama on the way.

Evan, seriously, what's with all the dick talk. We get it!

Chris Harrison shows up and explains the rules of this game, which are essentially my worst nightmare. Picture this, you fly to Mexico for sun and fun but if you don't couple up you go the fuck home. That is not my definition of paradise.

Also, not my definition of Paradise. What's with the stove, Chris Harrison?

Grant calls Lace a mess, not relationship material and then actively pursues her. Someone explain men to me, please.

Lace flirts with Grant for 5 minutes and then Chad happens. Lace has amazing abs, by the way. All I'm going to say about the Chad and Lace 2-hour romance is that Lace stands up for herself every time Chad says something misogynist. Not only that, she says, "Money doesn't make you cool." I totally agree with her. I'm pretty sure I'll defend Lace to the grave. Let's never say anything negative about Lace. She's my kindred spirit. We're gonna be best friends, better than me and Tara. Sorry, Tara. THE FUCK....

Daniel and Chad have an emotional reunion during which Daniel drops this heartstring-tugger: "All I know is, it's you and me." Chad is ever-so-slightly disappointed that Evan is in paradise, which he expresses by saying he'd like to cut Evan's head off and throw it in the ocean.

The twins have matching navel piercings and it's precious, I guess.

Jubilee get the first date card and invites Jared to this weird pinata/clown date. Because Mexico? They bond over Lord of the Rings and it's totes cute.

Love the editor's weaving of Emily looking forlorn and petulant into Jubliee's receipt of the date card - women feuding over Schmashton Schmutcher? Wow.

The pinata night is burned in my brain forever, not because of Jared and Jubilee's romantic nerd connection, but because the producers chose this night to vomit out the single most horrifying creature in the history of not only television, but the existence of sentient life:

I'm guessing this thing's name is Pinwheel or Drip-Drop; something cute to distract you from the fact that it is pestilence in the flesh and has a voice that sounds like Satan's asshole chewing up a balloon.

Lace aka Sarah Silverman and Evil Chad hook up and try to drown each other in the hot tub as music that didn't make the cut for the American Graffiti soundtrack plays.

Then Chad poops his pants and gets kicked off paradise.

Is it possible that Chad and Daniel's relationship is an allegory for the relationship between the US and Canada? I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's something to think about.

Chad is so drunk and grotesque that even Izzy, the human version of a Kraft American Single, gets pissed off. One benefit of his meltdown is that he inspires the following quotes from "un-murdery" Daniel (broadcast in the span of 30 seconds):

"You've got a better chance of making out with a turtle than you do making out with a girl tonight."
"I'll take you down, man. I'll take you down to Chinatown."
"I have no problem punching a friend in the face. I've done it before, I'll do it again. No problem."

The ninety-minute scene of Chad snoring on top of a crab was avant-garde. I'm certain Evan paid everyone not to roll Chad on his stomach with the hope he'd aspirate on his vomit.

I didn't think anything could top the exponentially scumbaggy first night, but the morning after almost defies description. Actual rage-fueled quote from Chris Harrison: "You told everyone at this hotel to suck a dick". Chris wants to feed Chad to a jaguar, Sarah wants to rip Chad's face off with her teeth while sobbing, and Lace appears too drained of spirit to have an opinion. Love Chad's profanity-laced attack on Chris as he reluctantly exits and his obsession with the image of Chris wearing a white robe and drinking a mimosa (I share this obsession).

Join us next week as Josh bounds onto the sand to act like a toothy fuckwit, Ashley I. sobs like a preschooler, Evan gets some aggressive bloodwork done, and Chad finally embarks on that tequila-drenched killing spree. This season's gonna sizzle!!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Finally the Finale Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 19 Mar 2016 01:46:00 +0000

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Well, it's been eleven weeks and it's time to find out whether Ben can make up his mind. Will he choose Lauren B. or JoJo? Do we care? Will this relationship at least last longer than a season of Dancing with the Stars? Has time accelerated an hour? Why have I been late to everything this week?

This probably does not need stating, but there be spoilers abound.

The entire night Chris Harrison keeps promising us that Ben and the lady that he chose will get married on stage live that night. He's even flew in Ben's pastor. So why on earth does he wait until the last ten minutes of the show to spring it on him? I'm calling bullshit on you, Chris. Not only that, but he flew out both of the girls' families and Neil Lane (with wedding bands) to perpetuate this lie. The pastor is so ashamed to be party to such an elaborate hoax he can't even look up from his bible once.

Wow, JoJo's brothers passed on attending the festivities? Shocking! I bet they were circling the studio in camo overalls, clutching sniper rifles and furiously reciting The Lord's Prayer. On that note, Lauren's brothers look like Mormon missionaries.

Now let's get to the actual episode, not that much happens. Ben says he's in love with two women five thousand times so if that was part of your bachelor drinking game you would have blacked out before the proposal.

My #TheBachelor drinking game for tonight: every time Ben says he's in love with two women don't drink anything because you'll get too drunk
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) March 15, 2016

That's pretty much all I remember.

Let's get back to the most dramatic episode of the Bachelor ever!

Ben jump-starts the party by telling his emotionally tested-looking parents he's in love with two women. His mom, Gloomy Gus, finds this "very disturbing". Through this whole meet-and-greet, I was waiting for her to announce that feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats.

Lauren meets the parents and brings a big bouquet of flowers and bottle of wine.

She gushes to Ben's dad that Ben is, "like, seriously, one of the most incredible people [she has] ever met" and the vocal fry is shattering.

Ben's mom reminds Lauren that Ben is "his own worst critic" (Translation: "My son is a whiny little shit who will spend 80% of your marriage galloping around on a drama llama and you need to steel yourself for that.")

Ben tells the camera that he's realized "just how incredibly deep some of these feelings are", referring to his love for both Apple Cheeks and Marilyn Munster.

JoJo meets the parents and brings a little bouquet of flowers and jams it into a tacky shell. I think this might be a life lesson for gifts you bring when you meet someone's parents, even if you're in Jamaica. (Life Lessons this season: (1) Don't get dumped in a barn. (2) Always bring wine.)

JoJo gives an impassioned speech to the fam about loving Ben and sounds like Bart Simpson. She cries during her one-on-one with Ben's dad, charming him to the point where he's no longer disappointed about her refusal to acknowledge he looks like Lee Marvin's younger brother who works at Vineyard Vines.

Is it weird that seeing the ring helps him make the decision? I feel like there is a Lord of the Rings joke in there somewhere... Where is Stephen Colbert?

Ben spends most of the episode searching for "clarity" regarding who's the better choice and feeling "confused and conflicted". He could have saved himself a lot of grief if he'd asked himself at Minute One, "Hmm, which of these women has siblings that DON'T want to sledgehammer my testicles? I should probably go with her".

When Ben vents to the camera before his last date with JoJo, once again saying he wants CLARITY, he has 1) a cowlick and 2) a facial expression that leads me to believe he thought he was auditioning for Ted in Bill and Ted's Jamaica Jam. Ben is the worst Bachelor of all time. When JoJo asks, "So, you feel good?" and Ben says "Um...that's a loaded question" in his skim milk voice, JoJo's exasperated look speaks for all of us. I don't doubt that the writing tattooed on Ben's side is instructions for using a portable toilet without drowning.

I can't help but lose respect for JoJo (not that I had much to begin with) because she claims a proposal from Ben will complete her "fairy tale love story" despite the fact that Ben has spent all of this episode gaping at her like a flatlining squirrel. She hops off the Endgame Helicopter and gets her hopes dashed when Ben tells her he liked hooking up with her at the Hoover Dam or whatever, but Lauren is where it's at right now so best of luck in all her endeavors. Music that sounds like seventh-rate Phillip Glass plays as JoJo rides into the sunset and Ben weeps like a college kid who totally blew his history final. The "epic conclusion" to Ben's hideous story is him proposing marriage to Lauren even thought he is in love (IN LOVE) with someone else. Til death do you part!!

Sorry for the rant, but I'm menstrual right now:
I watched the first season of the Bachelor and then I didn't watch it again until Juan Pablo, undeniably the best bachelor. So here's my two cents with my limited bachelor knowledge. After whittling down a group of 28 women over 10-ish weeks, making sure you get rid of the xenophobes, the alcoholics, the ones not ready for adult relationships, the gluten free physical trainers, and the mini-horses, what's left? Maybe a few women whose superficial surface characteristics you find attractive. It's been two months, you don't really know anyone that well and every woman with a shot is on first date behavior on every date because this is a game show where you win a husband. So it's not entirely surprising when they choose the zero drama, super attractive, perfect on paper one over, at the very least, what seems to be a stronger relationship based on reality, but I might just be a victim of fancy editing. Ben, I'm sure you are totally in love with your soon to be wife who complained about your mouth breathing and your loud late night praying on Jimmy Kimmel. No regrets.

And now for what you have all been waiting for... The final scores of our fantasy league. Tara's team, Comin' Around A-Ben, came in second with 4090 points. As I clobber her successfully picking the final two, my team, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Ben, with 4750 points. Boosh!

Mega In-BEN-sity: The Women Tell All Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 22:37:00 +0000

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

The Women Tell All is finally here! The episode where Chris Harrison gets to channel his inner Barbara Walters and reopen the recently healed wounds of jealously, heartbreak, and embarrassment to the delight of a bloodthirsty audience.

First, I'd like to talk about who showed up. Of course, Caila came in her final bid to be the next Bachelorette. The Chris Soules season alumni, Amber and Becca, showed up. Shushanna spent her time since getting rejected by the bachelor learning English and wouldn't shut up. We get it, you talk good now. The twins came back. I'm a little shocked that Chris Harrison didn't re-break Emily's thumb so he could tell them apart again. Nice to see Rachel hasn't found employment yet. That twin bed in her childhood room must be really comfortable. (Side note: It's kind of sad that out of all the fake jobs they make up for these people they couldn't think of one for her. Are you trying to tell me that twin or chicken enthusiast are actual job descriptions? Why not make Rachel a Watching the Price is Right in her pajamas enthusiast? I could get behind that.) Jami comes back to remind everyone that she's Canadian. Jennifer, she could murder someone in front of me and I still wouldn't recognize her in a lineup, showed up. What is it about her that gives me face blindness? It's like I'm looking at a different person every time I see her. Olivia, Leah, and Jubilee are pretty much there for everyone to yell at. Strangely, Leah is the only one the audience turns on. You don't mess with Lauren B. Tiara and Izzy, eliminated on the first night, decide 'I want to be mean to Olivia and bring my chicken onto the show' let's do this! And Amanda and Lace are there too.

Now for my crackpot conspiracy theory! Four very specific women didn't show up. Samantha, Mandi, LB, and Jackie were all eliminated on week 2. LB left on her own accord during the rose ceremony. Is it possible that something went down that week that left a sour taste in their mouths? Or were they just watching the Iowa Black & Brown Forum that night instead and didn't realize they got eliminated? This is also the week where Ben is giving out gifts to some ladies during the cocktail party. He makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids and gives Lauren B. a candid screenshot from one of their dates. Maybe this is a way of coping with his guilt for some inappropriate behavior?

The episode hit the ground running as Chris Harrison reminded us that mortal enemies Olivia and Emily were about to reunite and the camera cut to a woman grimacing in the audience. I wish they had put her on the stage with a glass of cabernet and televised all her reactions to the moronic vitriol.

So glad Tiara's back on television:

Leah "Wish I Was Olivia" Event Planner tried to defend herself against three gals and a chicken calling her a filthy liar and failed so miserably an audience member's bob haircut almost flew off.

The ladies made a concerted effort to attack Jubilee for previously noting she was the only girl in the mansion with two black parents. She ended up in the Hot Seat for an uplifting therapy session with patron saint Chris Harrison.

Lace's self-loathing was revisited as she snickered in the Hot Seat. I was hoping they'd replay the splendid "Ro-ZANN Ro-zanna-danna!" moment and was terribly disappointed. Lace told Chris that watching her behavior on the show taught her not to interrupt people right before a dangerous Grade Z Joaquin Phoenix interrupted the discussion to show Lace the tattoo of her likeness he got on his torso. The blonde lady in the audience who recoiled in disgust gets 600 thousand gold stars.

Olivia got up for the Hot Seat as Emily and Haley looked at her like:

Olivia told Chris she's had a rough few months because people have posted brutal comments about her appearance on social media, but she did get a laugh from what she referred to as "the mouth stuff". I assume she's talking about gems like these.

Did anyone else notice that Caila effortlessly wrote a Grammy bait ballad as she was carried away by the Reject Limo? Verbatim quote:

I Didn't See This Coming - Caila

I was ready,

I was ready to get married,

I was ready,

I was ready to be his wife,

I was ready,

I was ready for our future,

That's all I thought about,

All I want in life is love,

I feel like I wanted it for so long,

I feel like I had that,

And it's gone

Was I hearing things or did Chris refer to Ben as "the most popular Bachelor in history" when he introduced him? There is no way this human rice cake became more popular than Juan Pablo or Chris "GiggleMaster" Soules.

Chris challenged Ben to tell Emily and Haley apart and he succeeded (not a challenge - all he had to do was recognize who was looking at him with stronger hatred to know who Emily was).

Those bloopers, man. I could watch them all day, especially the ones with everyone getting attacked by insects.

Take your vitamins and stay hydrated, everyone - the season finale and Bachelor in Lace-a-dise will be here before you know it!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 9 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Sun, 06 Mar 2016 18:57:00 +0000

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ben goes to Jamaica to wander the lush tropical terrain in Old Navy flip flops and destroy Caila's heart.

There are a lot of shots in this episode of people looking out into the horizon pensively in classic Bachelor fashion.

And what was with the Manwich commercial taking a direct assault on meatless Mondays.

#TheBachelor and Manwich are actually a perfect marketing pair because they both can make you feel really nauseated.
— Kami Mattioli (@kmattio) March 1, 2016

First Date: Ben and Caila

Caila flies in on a rainbow as usual (as Ben so eloquently put it: "Her smile and her beauty....her kinda bubbliness? I knew that Caila was special". (I know what Ben means, as it's a rare and precious thing for a girl to be physically attractive and act happy about shit.)

Caila may be smiling on the outside, but she harbors secret torment because she's in love with Ben and acknowledges JoJo and Lauren B. could feel the same. She's "melancholy" on her atmospheric raft ride with Ben, even though he fires off pithy zingers such as, "It's like, I'm a twenty-six-year-old man who's, like, a little kid right now".

Caila is describing her hotel room with a view of some swings in the water and Ben's response is "You gotta get out there." Yeah, Caila, you by yourself should go check that out. And from that point on, I'm pretty sure Ben's already made up his mind about Caila, but he's not gonna let that ruin his night in the fantasy suite. Classic scumbag and I hope Caila calls him out on that but she would lose her opportunity to be the next Bachelorette.

Caila, take a hint, he brought you to Jerk Centre for lunch!

Evening falls and Caila delivers her Love Confession to Ben. Take a drink every time Caila uses "and" as a filler word during her big speech. I apologize in advance for making you die.

Fantasy Suite Visit #1! Caila wakes up looking radiant (shocking). Caila can see herself waking up next to Ben for the rest of her life. She, for the second time, tells Ben she loves him; he, for the second time, responds with empty-headed silence. That doesn't phase Caila - she can "feel in his breath" that he loves her back. Did he revive her with mouth-to-mouth in a wacky deleted scene?

"DAMN YOU, CAILA!! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIIIIIGHT!"

Second Date: Ben and Lauren B.

Lauren B. likes the water and the sunshine and is a typical brilliant conversationalist. They get to dip baby sea turtles in the ocean to get the sand off their itty bitty bodies and the cuteness is physically painful. Ben raves to the camera about his date filled with cuteness, implying that Lauren B. is as cute as the turtles, further proving he's a big old fuckin' dunderhead.

They check out an evening reggae show and linger behind a crowd of Jamaica residents / Bachelor interns and pretend to be really into the music. Ben's bangs look like a dark tribble and he appears to be fighting sleep as he invites Lauren B. to the Fantasy Suite. After she accepts, she finally says, "I am....completely in love with you". Ben says he's in love with her too and the two of them yuk it up and make out on a couch.

Ben shows up with a breakfast tray the next morning and Lauren B. is very excited about the coffee (I suddenly feel a kinship).

Third Date: Ben and JoJo

JoJo tells the camera, "I wish there was more words to explain the way I feel when I'm with him". Does she mean "more words currently listed in the Oxford Dictionary" or "more words I'm aware of"?

She takes a thrilling jump into a river with Ben and is cool with it because she feels "so safe" with him. I can't imagine Ben being able to protect someone from a dust mite, so I'm a little concerned.

Ben confesses his love for JoJo, sealing Caila's fate. JoJo brings up a good point after Ben tells her he loves her. Is he allowed to say that?

Chris Harrison's face says no and I'm sure the fallout in two weeks when he doesn't marry both JoJo and Lauren will teach Ben a serious lesson in toying women's emotions.

They retire to the Fantasy Suite and definitely have sex. Somewhere, in unforgiving darkness, JoJo's brothers scream at the ceiling and bite rage holes through their blankets.

Aftermath: Operation Crush Caila

Caila creeps up on Ben simply exploding with loving bubbliness as he sits in a lawn chair and pretends to be deep in thought - the phoniness is so clunky and embarrassing, it makes me want to throw Emmys at this season.

Ben tells Caila she needs to shove off and that it's "really hard to imagine saying goodbye to [her]". Caila replies, "That sounds like a line" and gets two thousand gold stars.

Caila sobs in the limo as Ben fondles his mouth in sadness AGAIN. Ben tells the camera he hopes he didn't make a mistake (hidden meaning: "I hope I'm not going to regret dumping Caila for a woman whose family literally wants to bury an axe in my face and dump my charred remains behind a 7-11").

Ben u r a scumbag an I lov it #TheBachelor
— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) March 1, 2016

Fantasy League Update: Both Lauren B. and JoJo are on my team and I currently have a 220 point lead. Eat it, Tara!

Next Week - Dumpees Tell All!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 8 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 27 Feb 2016 03:28:00 +0000

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ha! I just realized that if you're reading this in a feed reader you probably can't see the different colors or if you're colorblind. Whoops.

This week Ben visits the remaining girls in their hometowns and meets their family. It's awkward, uncomfortable, pretty true to life.

We open on Ben sitting atop a beach boulder as he processes the whittling of contestants from twenty-eight to four . He's suddenly in extreme close-up, staring at the waves, and I can safely say I've never in the history of my reality TV love seen anyone wear such a dimwitted expression. It's important to mention I sat through three seasons of Rock of Love.

Amanda's Hometown: Laguna Beach
I get it now. Our squeaky voiced single mother of two is from Laguna Beach.

Like this Laguna Beach?

Ben gets to meet the kids today. I think this is the moment he realizes if he marries her, he would be their stepdad. Their weird TV Bachelor stepdad.

Charlie refuses to high five Ben. Probably because he's clearly going for handshake. Let's not conflate these things, Ben. You are not ready for a handshake.

Kinsley ends up being super charming, the yin to Charlie's emotionally vacant yang. (Trivia: Kinsley is six months older than Caila.)

Since this is the first hometown, I'm pretty sure Ben has convinced himself he could make this work if the next three hometowns are awful, which they are but apparently not as bad as a tearful child.

Here's a question: Why is Amanda's dad's only example of sacrifices you have to make when you have children not being able to go to the gym with your friends? Seriously? Because I've been looking for excuses NOT to go to the gym.

What's the difference between an intern and a crying baby who hates everyone and needs a nap? Literally nothing.
— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) February 23, 2016

When Ben is sitting outside with Amanda's mom, clutching his emergency merlot and swatting at gnats, it's clear he's checked out of his relationship with Amanda. But he still has to sit through his interrogation with Amanda's gently skeptical dad and the bedtime story reading with Kinsley and Charlie ("Once upon a time in Los Angeles, a boy named Ben..."). I would bet one million dollars Chris Harrison wrote that story, and the as-yet-unveiled ending is "And Ben and Lauren B. annulled their marriage after four months and Ben joined the 2017 cast of Celebrity Apprentice and got fired after two episodes".

Lauren B.'s Hometown: Portlandia

And no, they don't go on bike rides and get tattoos...

The best part of this day is that Portland has a Whisk(e)y Library

Oh yeah and Lauren's dad calls her Baby Lo Lo. Best nickname!

Lauren B. and Ben eat lunch at Portland's food trucks:

Then Lauren B. frets to the camera because she can't move forward with Ben if her family doesn't like him. She's got a challenge ahead of her, considering it's time to haul out the Mean Skeptical Sister Bachelor trope (saucer-eyed Mollie). Mollie asks Ben what makes Lauren B. stand out to him and he responds by crying, which oddly makes Mollie give Lauren B. and Ben her blessing instead of laughing derisively in Ben's face.

Baby Lo Lo's dad wears a Mr. Rogers sweater and is smug as fuck and I appreciate both things. It's apparent he doesn't think his daughter's relationship with Ben has a chance in hell and can't wait for her to return home and re-activate her Match account.

Caila's Hometown: Hudson, OH (not sure if there is a TV show here guys, sorry)

Caila and Ben sit on a bench together and then go to her dad's toy factory to build a house. I think she might be boring enough to be a female Ben, which is to say she's probably the next bachelorette. I've been saying it for weeks folks. I'm not giving up on this.

Caila has a whale of a time building the toy house with Ben because she gets to keep it. Because, you know, she's three. *rimshot*

Caila's dad is the adult version of Derek from Full House:

He tells Ben he's in the "most magical marriage ever" and wins the Ostentatious Cornball Award. Then he grills Caila about the integrity of her relationship with Ben and she starts weeping and squeaking while he struggles to not roll his eyes. He's got the emergency pinot noir and the precise Justin Timberlake ramen noodle hair, and he will take no emotional horseshit tonight.

Caila's mom (who's rocking a fun "80s aerobics instructor" up-do) asks Ben if he's ever met Filipinos before and he chillingly replies, "Uh, no! I don't think so!"

JoJo's Hometown: Dallas, TX

I hate to even mention the flowers JoJo finds on her doorstep with a long letter sent from her ex-bf "Chad" because it seems like production manipulated this situation. Blah, blah, blah.

Most importantly, let's talk about JoJo's mom. Firstly, she says to JoJo, "You're not gonna get hurt, you're beautiful." Second, she should have her own show on HGTV because she knows how to decorate a ridiculous house.

That said, I'm hoping painting like this are all over the house.

JoJo's dad looks a lot like this guy...

JoJo's mom reins it in.

JoJo's wearing those open-toed suede booties again! NOOOOO......

JoJo's family rises about the stiff competition and wins for Most Ghoulish. This hometown visit was like a Tales from the Crypt episode written by Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein. Her brothers are sneering gargoyles with a slimy, Freudian attachment to JoJo. Her mother rocks twelve gallons of lip fillers and a bad Beverly Hills nose job and blows huge plumes of smoke up JoJo's ass. Her dad is a prune-faced glass of flat Fresca who looks like he'd get arrested for insider trading.

Brother Matt, the more constipated of the two brothers, insists that JoJo keep her heart guarded and that Ben is "not as emotionally invested" as she is. In other words, "Never date again because my Genetic Sexual Attraction will force me to commit murder otherwise". The two brothers accuse Ben of getting coached to feed them platitudes (hilarious) and of wearing a "poker face" (inaccurate: That's Ben's "moron face").

Brother Ben was on a reality dating show!! Now his cynicism makes even more sense.

Cocktail Party:

First off, at the end of each of these hometown visits not one lady said she loved Ben. According to twitter, not a good sign.

Ben sends Amanda home because apparently he really likes going to the gym.

I guess becoming an insta-dad is a scarier thought to Ben than getting poisoned by the in-laws at Thanksgiving. He takes another opportunity to weep like a turd after Amanda's limo takes off.

Credits treat: Ben talks with Lauren B.'s invasive Stepford Child brothers about the Fantasy Suite. PASS THE MERLOT!

Join us next week as everyone confesses their love for each other and cries in sunny Jamaica! If somebody says "mon", I'm going to put a hammer through my television.

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 7 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 20 Feb 2016 14:44:00 +0000

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Hold on to your butts because this was the most boring episode this season. First off, any girl with a personality is gone. I'm sure these girls are great, but they are giving nothing to the camera. Nothing except for tears, which is great for my fantasy team, but there are other ways to get point, ladies. I hate/love to say this... I miss Olivia.

This week we take a trip to Ben's Hometown (Warsaw, Indiana), where you fill your days with playing basketball and flying kites. It's a simpler place.

Ben drives through Warsaw in a Chevy pickup and yells "Good to see ya!" at an imaginary old friend. He meets his parents at a diner (where the waitresses are probably named Edna and Mavis and call the customers "sugar") and provides stats on the dull remaining women.

I will admit I find this town precious as hell, and a refreshing change from Chris Soules' hometown, which can be summed up as:

First Date: One on one with Lauren B. (everyone's favorite flight attendant)

They visit the community's children and Ben finds a rogue crying five-year-old; instead of wasting time talking him through the pain, Ben drags him back on the court so he can get those knees up and ignore it. Lauren B. tells the camera she's never seen anybody act like that with kids; Ben is going to make an "amazing dad". Was a scene where Ben gets a child with PTSD to finally start talking again left on the cutting room floor?

They visit the "local dive bar" to toast with his pals (anyone else notice Clark Kent sitting on Ben's left?). Lauren B.'s apple cheeks glow with triumph as she realizes she's in love with the blandest person alive.

Second Date: One on one with JoJo
For this date, they leave Indiana for the Windy City and hang out at Wrigley Field all day because I assume there is nothing else to do in Chicago. JoJo shows up dressed like The Fonz and Ben's outfit looks like a storm cloud.

It's only 2 hours and 24 minutes without traffic assuming ABC sprung for tolls. Do they spend the entire date walking back and forth on the field? Oh wait, they do have an adorably staged kiss while poking their heads through the scoreboard.
There are other things to do in Chicago that aren't as expensive and boring as spending all day in an empty stadium talking about your feelings. They have this pizza where they put the sauce on top of the cheese and their hot dog buns have poppy seeds on them. I know!

Caila is panicking because Ben still insists on dating other women when she and her silken extensions are right here, desperate for a ring.

Third Date: A Three on Two on One with Becca, Amanda and Caila
What a day! They get to row boats and fly kites. Warsaw is pure magic. At the end of the day, one lucky lady gets to work at a McDonald's Drive-Thru and then ride a bunch of carnival rides with stomach full of American garbage.

Is it just me or is this the second season where Becca gets dumped in a barn? (For people who didn't see the Chris Soules season, Becca gets dumped in a barn decorated for a proposal. Video*)
*Don't watch the video, it's boring.
Becca, the next time a guy asks you to enter a barn, just say no. ~~ABC Executives~~ Life is trying to teach you a lesson.

Becca is majorly pissed because she's really putting herself out there, man, and Ben is giving her NOTHING. "Where do we go from here?" she asks the camera. (The answer to that, of course, is "To a shot of Chris Harrison instructing you to leave").

Suddenly the episode is interrupted by a meandering Mickey D's commercial (oh, wait, it's part of Ben and Amanda's date). I was waiting for Amanda to say, "Ben, I'm so happy I got the chance to relax with you over this delicious, fluffy egg and perfectly melted cheese sandwiched between crisp, golden brown English muffins. The only thing that would make this more special is a bold, piping hot McDonald's coffee."

Caila can't stop yammering about Ben's "community" and how she "doesn't have a community" and this might lead him to reject her. Why would Caila want to marry someone who would reject her for not having a bunch of fake friends rounded up by the PAs?

Emily scores the one-on-one and bursts into tears of joy as Caila stares at her like this:

Fourth Date: One on one with Emily
Emily gets to meet the parents.
She shares her aspirations of being a NFL cheerleader and a young mom with Ben's mom. This is followed by Emily telling Ben's dad that her likes include sitting around and watching movies all day.

Bye Emily, I'll probably see you or your sister on Bachelor in Paradise.

Caila describes Emily as a "bright-eyed puppy" and gets one hundred gold stars.

Ben's dad looks like he'd play the mayor in a Christopher Nolan film and Ben's mom is unimpressed with Emily to the point where she starts weeping like a douchebag. Emily is a clueless marshmallow who means well and whoever Ben picks on this show is going to be divorced from him in a year, so cool your jets.

Ben dumps Emily because Mom hates her and she sobs like he got her in the femur with a crossbow. Ben stands on the dock, overcome with emotion, and bizarrely fondles his nose and mouth. If the movie Mars Attacks! was a person, it would be Ben.

Cocktail Party:
Bye Bye Becca.

What's going on with this collar? Is there a name for this? It looks like a straight line.

Caila wraps herself in a black cape because she has no community and all is ashes. I love that Becca acts nonplussed at getting dumped when she spent the episode whining about how Ben hates her. I feel The Beccarette coming on and I'm not amused.

Prediction: Next week he dumps all of them and brings back Laura aka Red Velvet. #bringbacklaura

But before the return of Red Velvet: Amanda's kids are fuckwads, Caila's dad is Joel Grey, and JoJo's family hates the shit out of Ben. In other words:

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 6 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 02:35:00 +0000

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

My DVR guide describes this episode as "The two-on-one date leaves one woman traumatized." My response:

Rose Ceremony:

Ben pulls capering demon Olivia aside and asks her why the other women hate her so much. Olivia says they alienate her for being "different" - she likes "reading books" while the other ladies like "painting their nails" and "doing each other's hair" (I'm going to add "brushing their teeth"). She starts fake crying so Ben will let her stick around.

Olivia, you seem to forget that last week you were on camera doing your nails. Tara seems to think she meant the ladies were doing each others nails, but I think Olivia's full of shit.

📚 Smart Things?📚 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/epTxpiz8Ea
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 9, 2016

Ben announces he "appreciates every one" of the ladies (all of whom are fuming except Olivia) while his hair sits gingerly on his head like a damp toupee. Can we get a surprise appearance by Huey to lighten the mood?

Jennifer gets the heave-ho because she's boring and Ben tells her, "You're gonna make somebody...very happy." (The last part of that statement, "Your mom, when you spend the rest of your bitter life splitting the mortgage with her in a one-bedroom condo", was removed in editing.) Actual screenshot of Olivia enjoying her celebratory flute of champagne:

Group Destination: The Bahamas!! VIVA LA BAHAMAAAS

The ever-resplendent Chris Harrison visits the ladies as they sip mimosas in the hotel suite. Becca, who's been looking very gassy, presents the one-on-one date card to Caila shortly before Ben emerges from the shadows with half his shirt unbuttoned. Ben, you are not Burt Reynolds and therefore I beg you to stop the shirt fuckery.

One-on-One with Caila: Boats McGotes

Caila and Ben go fishing with a rod that's attached to her hips as Leah sobs in a frustration. She lives TEN MINUTES from Ben in the dull universe that exists outside the show. They could have met IN A BAR, for crying out loud. She was picked for The Bachelor literally by Magical Santa Claus Jesus and Ben's not exploring this miracle with her. (Dear ABC, stop trying to manipulate my feels with clips of Leah sobbing while Ben and Caila are having the time of their lives Sandals-style.) Instead, he's wasting his time with perky bubbly Caila. Caila refuses to get serious and vulnerable in front of Ben for reasons unclear even to her; but she suspects the problem is that she's incapable of romantic love. Sounds too good to be true, if you ask me. At first Ben wants to throw her off the show right then and there but ends up telling the camera he finds it "attractive that [Caila] can be confusing". This confuses ME, because if Ben should be used to anything, it's getting confused. Stoplights, crescent moons, and microwave ovens confuse Ben. I guess he's constantly horny.
Their "dinner" conversation is a delightful train wreck. Caila is telling Ben that she doesn't want to cry in front of him, who knows how that conversation got started, and the longer she talks the more confused Ben looks. She somehow saves herself by saying she feels "understood" by Ben when he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

Group Date: Becca, Lauren H., Amanda, Lauren B., JoJo, Leah

Becca is afraid of getting mauled by a shark, but should probably be more concerned about the possibility Ben is taking them to Isla Sorna. Suddenly....

YAYYYY ACQUATIC PIG ATTACK!! Becca didn't realize she was scared of pigs until this moment. I didn't realize my ideal vacation is to be surrounded by all-up-in-your-business pigs in the Atlantic until this moment.

Once the pigs get bored, Leah starts crying again because she's a "group date groupie". The delicious irony is her obsessive concern over Ben "not giving [her] a chance" is probably going to get her kicked out rather than any tag-along status. Shit gets awkward with everyone on this date. It was as if everyone had just realized they were on the Bachelor.

After the awkward beach frolicking, Ben visits the ruminating ladies while wearing a ribbed shirt with two buttons undone and asks, "Can I sit down somewhere?" as he sits down on the sofa. Can we get Chris Soules back or something? Ben and his vanilla bravado and prickliness remind me more of Justin Bieber all the time.

Ben gives helium-voiced Amanda a rose and Lauren B. is so devastated her hair transforms into a windswept top-of-the-head bun. Leah is on the creep trying to be the next Olivia and Ben shows how much this impresses him by throwing her out.

Lauren H. didn't get the memo about the cut-off jeans. Coincidentally, she got sent home this week.

Just kidding it looks like @laurenMhimle ignored our "cut off shorts and bikini top" memo. #rude #TheBachelor
— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) February 9, 2016

AND THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS READ THE MEMOS.

Two-on-One Date: Asshole vs. The Twin

Olivia and Emily travel to a distant shore with Ben while there's a hurricane a-brewin'. Olivia shows Ben how much she loves him by telling him she's grounded, intimidating, smart, strong, intellectual, and I think she said the Beatles wrote the White Album for her.

Finally, FINALLY, Olivia goes home. She fake sobs as Ben and Emily leave her to die on Skull Island.

Ben poses awkwardly on a wall and then cancels the cocktail party because he's a cranky bitch. Why didn't Chris Harrison just hang out with the ladies and camera crew for a couple of hours and get loaded?

Rose Ceremony:

Ben's buttons are undone as usual and his bangs are fluffed.

JoJo panics because she realizes she's pretty dull but she ends up with a rose. Becca's dress looks like it was cut from a mattress cover so she gets one too. Lauren H. gets the axe and does one of the season's best ugly cries in the back of the limo. See you on Bachelor in Paradise, pal!

Credits Treat: This flies into the house and wackiness ensues:

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 5 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 02:40:00 +0000

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
Blah, Blah, The Right Reasons, Blah

Next Destination: Mexico City, the romance capital of Mexico City

Interesting tidbit: Olivia has a bidet. She's only 23 year old and she's clearly doing better than me. If you want to cheer me up, please bidon't.

First Date: One on one date with Amanda

Olivia is surprised to hear that Miss Teen Mom Forty Tons of Baggage Used Goods Children-Having Amanda caught Ben's attention to this degree.

Date Activity: Hot Air Balloon Ride. Exciting romantic adventure? Check. Nicely packed picnic? With food that they presumably never consume? Check and check. Champagne? Obviously. I'd call this a date if it wasn't for the lack of Jacuzzi. How can you really get to know someone unless you're surrounded by warm bubbly water.

To start out this "date", Ben gives the girls a wake up call at 4:30 am. All the girls are a little embarrassed, not expecting this visit, no one is dressed up or wearing makeup, one girl has zit cream on and another is wearing a retainer. All the girls except for Amanda, that is. She has full makeup on, wakes up looking like she slept on a cloud. This reminds me of Britt during Chris Soules season, she also woke up in the middle of the night with makeup on and if I remember correctly, she explain that she took it off every night and immediately puts it on before she sleeps. That explanation has bothered me ever since. First off, is it bad to sleep with your makeup on? Yes. Secondly, that means Britt has never seen her actual face. (Wait, was Britt's date also a hot air balloon?)
Here's my theory: Since the girl going on the date would need to pack her bags before leaving for the date in case she gets sent home, someone in production has to tell her that bag needs to be packed before she goes to bed. So does she jump to the conclusion that there may be an early wake up call with the bachelor or did they explicitly tell her? And either way why didn't she share this with the other girls? Or were they like "you're crazy, Ben doesn't wake up early, he's a software salesmen."? Either way, what were you thinking, you want the man you are trying to marry think you naturally wake up with brown sparkly eyelids. That's going to be so hard to maintain.

Amanda: Like I like have like kids and like I am like divorced and like like like #TheBachelor
— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) February 2, 2016

Ben sprawls on the picnic grass with Amanda and tells her that he, "like, just wants to see what it's like being around" her. There's an almost palpable specificity when Ben talks and I admire that. Amanda mentions that she doesn't want to "scare" Ben away with her children and whatnot; I think if anything scares him away it'll be those absolutely heinous opened-toed suede booties.

Ben presents Amanda with a rose and at this point has shown the world he loves the word "incredible" as much as Chris Soules did. He makes it clear her life doesn't scare him; he can definitely imagine a future with her and the kiddies. Here's the kind of dad I expect Ben to be:

Second Date: Group Date with Jubliee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia

Lauren H. is so excited to get excluded from the group date (and therefore picked for a one-on-one) she almost sloshes cabernet all over the sofa. Olivia continues to sulk and tells the camera she doesn't want Ben anymore; she NEEDS him. I feel literally nineteen thousand "can I steal you"s coming on!

Date Activity: After a Spanish language class where they learn bachelor-esque phrases in Spanish like "I want to kiss you" and "I'm falling in love with you," the girls get recipes written in Spanish to create classic Mexican dishes.

Emily claims that on a scale of one to ten, her Spanish-speaking skills are at a negative ten. So are her math skills, I guess.

The girls have to break up into pairs to make these dishes. With nine girls, someone gets Ben on their team. Jubilee and Olivia fight over Ben, if you call an awkward staring and silence, fighting. Olivia wins because her and Ben have a secret love language (which she tells the camera as she sits there looking like she noshed a few Quaaludes).

Olivia flaunting her knowledge of Spanish and forcing herself on Ben in cooking class conjures this image:

The topic of Olivia's bad breath comes up again just as Ben is force feeding her a pile of mint.

I am 120,000% convinced Ben got a compensation increase for letting the producers keep Olivia on the show for so long. She is wild as a rabid badger and her mouth "smells like shit", according to Emily (as much as she hates Olivia, I can't see her fabricating such a thing - wouldn't she just run with the fat toes and sociopathic behavior?). There is no way in hell Ben sees any potential in Margot Robbie on K2 at this point.

#TacoTuesday 🌮🌮🌮 pic.twitter.com/zs82YmJ2ti
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 3, 2016

Ben kicks Jubilee out the door because she's too insecure for him. Jubilee sobs and declares herself "the most unlovable person in the world". Wait...is America months away from seeing the first black woman become Bachelorette??? Genuinely curious and excited. But the media is racist as fuck so it will probably be Amanda.

Olivia gets a rose from Ben, causing Emily's platinum extensions to ignite with rage. While Olivia accepts her rose and shoves fruit kabobs in her mouth she's dressed like the Predator for some reason.

Third Date: One on one date with Lauren H.

Date Activity: Fashion Show in Mexico City where Ben and Lauren H. get to be models. This is followed by a fake dinner and guy on the street with a harp (close enough to a private concert).

I was so excited about Lauren H. last week and this week not a single one-liner. What? You get a one-on-one date and all of the sudden you're taking this seriously. We had something, Lauren.

Lauren H. shows up for the date wearing a top that's a belly shirt but also a mini-dress. Olivia isn't threatened by this or any other awesome Lauren H. facet because she's too busy painting her nails and sleeping on two beds at the same time.

LH managed to walk the runway without puking on it, but she looked on the verge of laughter almost the whole time, which I suppose isn't the desired "fashion model" expression. Olivia's typical expression is more suitable:

Ben likes LH because she "really says what's on [her] heart". The George W. score is touching the sun at this point.

Cocktail Party:

Olivia makes a comment about Amanda's life being like Teen Mom, that TV show that follows teen moms. That was clearly a line she should not have crossed. Emily responds to this by telling Ben the truth about Olivia. Ben puts on his detective cap and questions the rest of the girls at the cocktail party to uncover who the real Olivia is.

Can't wait for next week, when he deduces she's a total piece of shit and keeps her on the show! By the way, instead of Bachelor Live can we just watch Emily do different kinds of shots for half an hour?

Now more importantly, I think I might be falling in love with Fake Juan Pablo.

Eef I was on dis seesun I wud tel dem all I like dem an sleep wit dem in de ocean an send dem home, but enof about me being gr8 #TheBachelor
— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) February 2, 2016

Oh and Ben Higgins MOLES (@benhigginsmole) are following me on twitter and so should you.
This is me (@mon_o_gram). This is Tara (@tee5isalive). This is the blog (@blog_scuse_me). Get on this bullshit!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 4 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 31 Jan 2016 07:55:00 +0000

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
We write stuff about the episode and other stuff that concerns us and post it maybe before the next one airs.

This week they finally leave the mansion for Las Vegas. The marriage capital of the world and Ben is excited because this is a place where people do find love or make the biggest little mistake of their lives. Oh wait, that's Reno.

Olivia sits around in the morning wearing a lumberjack shirt and never closing her mouth before Lord and Master Chris Harrison appears to make the Vegas announcement. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I can't handle this right now!" gushes Olivia (here's an actual screengrab):

First Date: One on one with JoJo

Date Activity: Helicopter Ride... then fireworks on the roof

I'm not quite clear on what this date entailed. They had champagne on the roof while waiting for the helicopter, the helicopter comes and all that gets blown away, they fly around, have a quiet chat and watch fireworks on a rooftop. No fake dinner? No jacuzzi? No private concert?

We were going to have a hot tub on the rooftop but we ran into a "pivot situation" in the stairwell. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/9szkUfppUq
— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) January 26, 2016

When I found out the date card read, "You set my heart on fire" I hoped in vain that JoJo and Ben would go to an abandoned warehouse and re-enact scenes from Backdraft. Instead JoJo almost gets knocked over by a table while Amber drinks coffee and Olivia mopes. And then Ben tells JoJo that when he's with her he's "like, you know, in that moment where, like, nothing else matters". I am literally witnessing Ben's brain cells die as he stares at his dates. JoJo likes Ben because apparently dudes who ignore the top two buttons of their dress shirts make her feel safe.

Second Date: Group Date with Amanda, Jubilee, Amber, Leah, Haley, Emily, Caila, Lauren B., Lauren H., Olivia, Jennifer, Rachel

Leah does a heinous ponytail whip when her name gets announced for the group date.

Date Activity: Talent Show opening for a "comedian" that uses "puppets"

The gang walking in on Terry Fator's yodeling companion was unequivocally terrifying. Still one million times better than Jeff Dunham. But then....

DEAR OBAMA BEFORE YOU EXIT THE WHITE HOUSE PLEASE CANCEL ABC THANK YOU

I'd like to take a moment to talk about Lauren H. Back in week 2 she commented on a girl's apple bobbing skills, "Jackie is not good with her mouth, unfortunately." Week 3 she comments that she has "zero ball handling skills." This week she's talking about nipple tassels and kissing little Ben.

She needs to do more commentary and I can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise. What I'm saying is I really want her to be the Tanner of this season.

Back to the date, they gloss over everyone's talents to highlight Olivia as she half-asses/quarter-asses her way through a improvisational burlesque routine. Afterwards she runs into a Boyz II Men dressing room to have a panic attack.

Apparently her and Ben's "bam...sha-bam" couldn't save her from being a graceless dope. I have to give her credit for being self-aware enough to know that Ben was underwhelmed and gave her the dreaded "pity hug".

During the evening portion of this date all I could think of was this sketch from last weekend's Saturday Night Live.
"I'm blue eyes, brown hair, and grey shirt."

Calia and Ben make out like drunk college freshmen and Ben calls her a "sex panther" to the camera. A couple of weeks ago I compared Ben to George Bush. I take that back, because he's George W. Bush.

Olivia ropes Ben in for a heart-to-heart in light of her shitty dance number and Ben gapes at her with barely muted disgust, like he used to do with Lace. Then he tries to have a conversation with Emily about her leaving her dog behind to look for fake love on a reality show, and Olivia comes bee-bopping out of the shadows for yet another one-on-one. Ben's liver audibly clenches with rage as Emily strolls off with a line usually reserved for dudes I have a crush on who aren't interested: "Have a good one!"

Third Date: One on One with Becca

Date Activity: Becca assists Ben as he officiates several wedding... it's about as lame as it sounds. Then they drive to the Neon Museum which is not lame at all. Yet again, no fake dinner?

Did nobody tell Ben to tuck in his goddamn shirt while he's officiating real people's weddings?

My impression of Becca's excited face 😐 #TheBachelor
— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 26, 2016

The first groom, Travis, looks like the young version of the husband in Grant Wood's American Gothic. The bride, Leah, has trippy shoulder tats and looks like Lauren H.'s older sister. Becca looks like a Duggar daughter in her flowy white thing as she watches a bespectacled kid give his new wife the most forced, awkward kiss since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley stupefied the audience at the '94 MTV Video Music Awards.

Who else noticed that when Ben told the camera, "all the questions I wanna know about Becca...I wanna know 'em tonight", his eyes went like this:

The power of Christ compels Ben.

Fourth Date: Two on one with the Twins

Date Activity: Going to the Twin childhood home to dump one of them in front of their mom.

DoxiesdoxiesDOXIESdoxiesDOXIES

Emily sprawls on her bed with Ben and throws her sister under the bus for "not really making a connection" with Ben as the twins' mom wears a horrendous peasant top and sits under a mountain of doxies.

At least Hayley doesn't have to pack while crying and take the limo ride of shame away from the hotel. She can walk right into her room and blast Taylor Swift.

Now I can tell when I'm seeing double and not just looking at the twins. #TheBachelor 🍷
— DrunkLace (@Drunk_Lace) January 26, 2016

Cocktail Party:

Olivia steals Ben again. Again. At this point Ben is looking at her like she's the human version of syphilis and she is in a state of feverish delusion, telling JoJo that Ben is falling in love with her.

Jerry Bruckheimer film music plays as the girls gather at the chopping block.

Ironically, Amber is one of the last people I want to go home, because her hatred for Olivia is actually making her interesting. Miracles don't only happen at Christmas.

Aaaand Amber goes home because he once again chooses Olivia.

Join us next week as.....