Now I have voiced my opinion in the past about the obesity seminar I went to at a local Keene Hospital a few years ago and how I felt like it was  a cattle herd to make a lot of money. I still do believe in the lapband procedure though. I just don’t want to feel like cattle being rounded up to earn the hospital a shit load of money.  I am sick of being obese. I can find no benefit of being so. I find that I even though I have worked very hard to find inner peace with myself, I cannot come to terms with my best friend telling me he likes me more than a friend. Why can’t I just accept it? Because I never knew that he liked me, even though he has said it a few times, I always thought he said things to make me feel good.  I find it hard to be around my friends who have recently lost weight and all they can do is talk about how disgusting they felt.  Fortunately, I don’t let that self-hate seep in.  But I do know that my thought processes when it comes to relationships are warped because of my fat. I always feel that people approach fat women from a perspective of what can I get out of her by using her need to be wanted?  If I eliminate that factor, I can no longer go down that path.

Ultimately, I am tired of being in pain all the time because I have a sciatic nerve that kills my back all the time. That I have a slip disc that tightens up, that my ankles swell, that I can’t indulge in my true passion for fashion, and the killer shoes that are in my closet because I can’t even bare to stand in them.  I no longer identify as a fat person. I feel that a lot of people identify themselves with exterior things and define themselves by that. For example, my mother defined herself as a smoker. Some people define themselves as a fat and state that they will always be fat. That is just not good enough for me.  I smoked. I liked to smoke a lot. But, I realized that I liked breathing a whole hell of a lot more.  I did not define myself as a smoker and I refuse to define myself a a fat girl any longer.

I do not like the feeling of being choked every time I put my seat belt on in my car.  I don’t like the feeling of wedging my fat thighs and ass into an office chair that feels like it’s going to break at any second. I do not like feeling that my stomach takes up my entire body and how it looks when I sit down. I do not like that I cannot bend comfortably when I wear jeans.  And I especially don’t like feeling invisible.  My blog has been a representation of who I am from the get go. I talk about my honest opinions about products I use and clothing I like and about my feelings of having excess fat on my body.  I talk about how I don’t like society’s message to us, and I can recognize how this seems like a contradiction.  Being fat is not like being gay in the sense that you cannot change being gay. You can be bisexual and attracted to both sexes, but you can’t be bi-fat. There is no swinging pendulum going from one to the other. Either you are fat or you are a natural weight for your body’s frame.

This past weekend I went to NYC for the feast San Gennaro. Naturally this is all about eating lol. What I did eat was about 5 deep fried oreos and a sausage and broccoli rabe wedge. The rest of it is about walking up and down the whole of Mulberry St. in Little Italy. I was sweating and exhausted by the time we got through with one half of the street and walking our way up through China town. It was the most uncomfortable I have felt in my own skin in a very very long time.  So now I just have to wait and see once my insurance kicks in and then I will start my journey down that path.

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I was really happy to see so many pretty tops in Dress Barn this month. Lots of romantic types of tops and tees. I love the glittery glammy types of tees because you don’t have to dress them up too much. They give jeans a little more something than just a plain tee. Don’t get me wrong, I love just a plain white boyfriend tee shirt but sometimes I know I just want a little more pizzaz haha. Hey any way that I can get plus size clothes that make me look pretty and not age me or make me look like I’m trying to be too young are just fine for me.

Next I went to Bath and Body Works and stocked up majorly on my actibacterial foamy soaps I love so much and they had very many new yummy scents, especially Mint Chocolate. Hands down my favorite scent to date. Although I cannot wait to be able to use the Sugar Lemon either.

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Since I was on a budget that day I was being a little conscientious about what I was spending so I decided to go for it since it was about $5.00 cheaper than the Precision Foam. Now I do like the formula and the aroma of the dye is mild and tolerable.  The one draw back about SAMY Fat Foam is that you mix the dye in this big shaker that looks very similar to those shakers that you would use for smoothies in the kitchen. Once you shake it for the required amount of time and you are ready to apply it to your hair, there is nothing to help you control the application.  You simply scoop some out and apply it to your head starting with the part and proceeding with the rest of the steps. Now, I understand that generally we do apply hair dye with our hands, however I am usually used to a tip or a pump that controls the flow of the product and then I am able to control the amount of mess or clean up that I have to worry about.

Also I am not sure if I didn’t shake it vigorously enough but it was slightly more runny than what I expected when I opened it and this made it difficult for me to just scoop and apply. I had to worry about it dripping out of my hand and not getting all over the vanity in the bathroom. So if I do intend to use this product again, I am going to definitely make sure that I have old newspapers to lay down.  I’ve just been dying my hair for so many years that I generally do not bother even doing that because I’m good with not getting product all over the place.

Overall I think if perhaps they can rethink the container and make it more like a mousse pump of some kind where I can more effectively control how much product I am handling at one time, I might like it more.  In the end though, I can say that I am definitely not pleased with the color coverage. I chose the shade of dark brown and it says 100% gray coverage and I left it on longer than the normal time yet, my new gray growth now looks light brown.  I’m a little disappointed because for the same price I could have bought Clairol’s root touch up kit and I know it would have matched my hair color. Pfftt, oh well you live and you learn and now I know that I won’t be purchasing this one again.

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