Picture the worst email gaffe you ever made, and magnify that times a thousand, because a Cornell Business School tech consultant just made the worst email error of all time. According to Guest of A Guest, tech consultant John accidentally passed on a ridiculously steamy email exchange with his mistress Lisa (who is also a Cornell Business School employee) to the entire freaking school. They’re both married. They’re both so, so screwed. And they’re both, um, apparently fans of tickling and tasting each other’s naughty bits.

you bring me right to the edge of release, over and over and over again, yet each time I’m denied, and fiendishly tickled even more???

Pictures of these two fiendish ticklers, and the best bits of their email exchange, after the jump:

From: John
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:32 PM
To: Lisa
Subject: RE:

GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!

And by this method, you bring me right to the edge of release, over and over and over again, yet each time I’m denied,and fiendishly tickled even more???

I don’t think I’ll survive!!!

From: Lisa
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:23 PM
To: John
Subject: RE:

I see me sitting in your lap straddling, really.facing you with my legs draped over your restrained arms and then wrapped around you and your chair holding you in place you’re pinned and unable to move. I’m leaning back ever so slightly with my hands braced on your desk, helping me to grind my pussy against you.

From: John
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:21 PM
To: Lisa
Subject: RE:

OH DEAR GOD HELP ME!!!

You are pushing buttons that are getting me WAY TOO FUCKING HORNY for being stuck at work!!!

And just WHAT am I supposed to do now??? I can practically FEEL your torturous little fingernails flitting across my stomach, and they’re making me ACHE with the desire for RELEASE!!!

These two may have the best sex ever, but damn do they have the worst luck. Can’t you just picture the nubile Lisa and sensuous John? No? Well…how about now:

Right, we’ll leave it at that. You can find the entire email exchange (oh, there is so much more) here.

[Knock, knock.]

Jesus! Dude! You scared the shit out of me. Come on in, though. I JUST packed a prime-ass bowl, you want in? I eviscerated the shit out of my semiotics exam, and this is due me. Big time. Seriously dude, just push that Heroic Portrait Statuary and Are Women Human? stuff off that chair and pull ‘er up. Oh, and can you put that towel back? Yeah, wedge it under there. Thanks. Do you want half a pizza bagel?

Christ, I regret this R.A. gig more every day. I mean, no offense! You’re OK. It just never ends, all you guys streaming in here for advice… “How do I get out of my exam?” “Should I major in linguistics?” “It burns, what do I do, it’s like peeing sriracha!” It’s like, solve your own damn problems!

BUT I guess it’s a classic prisoner’s dilemma, am I right? They don’t exactly give you a discount on tuition once you hit year five, so I gotta keep you guys nice and fluffed to get that free housing. So go ahead, man, lay it on me.

What? That’s your question? Are you fucking– am I being punked? Are you punking me right now?! “I want to join the aikido team, but I’m worried about how much they’re going to haze me”? Relax, friendo. Nobody hazes for shit anymore, they’re all way too paranoid about the video winding up on Dateline. And besides, we all grew up in schools that banned tag, and forbade teachers from grading in red pen. We are far too sheltered and boring to inflict even halfway decent hazing. Aikido away, wussy grasshopper. (But I guess the first couple of times you hang out with those guys, it wouldn’t hurt to eat a big foundation of pre-boozefest food like bacon cheeseburgers and fries.)

Now scram! I’ve had it! No more barging into my room! From now on, if anyone can’t figure their own life out for their own damn overeducated self, they’re going to have to email me at asktheivygateRA@ivygateblog.com. And they better include some clever-ass sign-off names like they do in advice columns, so I can protect the shit out of their anonymity. And they’d BETTER write! Otherwise I might probably make up the letters the first time around until enough people notice and send in real ones! I bet the topics range from all types of shit, from classes to sex to keg etiquette. (The gentleman pumps, the lady dispenses.) Wait, did they ever have an advice column in the Degrassi Grapevine? If you need me I’ll be at SurfTheChannel…

Fire away!

–the IvyGate R.A.

The remains managed to make it out unscathed thanks to some badass, apparently fireproof chambers made to protect the DNA that might one day identify the victims. The wooden benches, cards, photos, flowers, and other painfully sweet memorials, however, did not have badass, fireproof containers. They were destroyed.

Of course, Schroeder’s friends and family think he’s a real stand-up guy and that the incident was somewhat out of character. According to his mother:

[Brian] doesn’t really have any explanation or memory of what took place. Now, he’s just trying to minimize the damage to his career and make amends. You know, take responsibility and move on.

Do go on, Mrs. Schroeder…

I’m appalled and my heart goes out to [the families who had built memorials to loved ones lost in the 9/11 attacks at the E. 30 St. chapel]. Because I know it’s basically like a cemetery and a memorial that’s so very important. I just cannot imagine, nor can he, why he would have done that.

Bingo. Why would you do that? Seriously, dude, burning down a cemetery/memorial is not a funny prank. This is a somewhat funny, Ivy League prank. But let’s go on the record and just say stop trying, Ivy League-rs. Or you will lose your job and your six-figure salary. Like Brian did.

Oh, and it might help if you stopped wearing those Ed Hardy t-shirts. That shit is made of the devil’s old underwear or something.

According to FoxSports, the ad read:

DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia) Diehard Phillies fan–gorgeous tall buxom blonde– in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable— I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!

Well, the ad is certainly suggestive. (Who doesn’t have a “gorgeous tall buxom blonde” friend, of “the creative type,” “help” them out every once in a while?) But an undercover officer who replied to the ad claims that after meeting Finkelstein at a bar and having a few beers, she offered to perform explicit sexual acts. He slapped the cuffs on her, threw her in his car, and, err, took her to the big house for some punishment.

So is this an innocent he-said-”Will you…”-she-said-”If you…” situation? The Daily Pennsylvanian can explain the defense with two quotes:

“She was willing to — if she could afford it — pay money or work some type of deal to get tickets, but we completely dispute and deny that there was an offer a trade of sex for tickets,” [Finkelstein's lawyer] told KYW.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not embarrassed about my actions,” Finkelstein told the Associated Press.

After the jump, the full on explanation (in photos) of why this lady is awesome either way.

Whether or not this woman indeed deserves being charged a prostitute is up for debate. The American justice system will decide. Whether or not she’s the coolest Phillies fan EVER is not up for debate.

If you’re from Philly there are a few things to be proud of: Rocky, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Condom Kingdom. The Phillies are alright as a team, but who gets excited about this mascot?

Ok, ok, and Mike Schmidt also did a helluva job playing third base and wearing a mustache:

Alright, yeah, and this girl (who is NOT Finkelstein) wins some enthusiasm awards as well:

But when it really comes down to it, sex is the most dangerous sport of them all. If Finkelstein wants to go to the game that badly, she should get to go. It’s a recession. Tickets are like $1,000. There will probably be a line—and that’s a headache.

Will some sugar daddy please step up to the plate and just buy this woman a ticket to the game. (Her husband might appreciate a +1.)

According to Vox Populi, the Georgetown Voice’s blog, the original as went something like this:

As my PA you will receive an email once a day by 9:00 am with a task list for that day and a time estimate for each task. Important tasks will be bolded on the list and must be done that day (even though everything on the list should theoretically be finished on a daily basis) …

PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks.

Needless to say, Georgetown is not in the Ivy League. (And neither is Mr. Cooper.) But when a student does something so god-awful douchey that the Washington Post reports on it, something must be done.

Everyone’s favorite Yale student, Aleksey “So Sexy” Veyner, might’ve done something like this. And Mike Kopko definitely started DormAid, a service that offered maid services to Harvard dorm rooms and pissed off pretty much the entire school. But Georgetown should know better, right?

After the jump, a couple of reasons why not.

Long revered as the school for the upper middle cast beltway castaways, children of diplomats, and more rich kids than the average college, Georgetown sounds like a good idea—an Ivy alternative, if you will. It’s in the nation’s capital. You can study to be a nurse, a foreign service officer, and a banker all at the same place. Hey, there’s even a rowing team the sometimes “finishes” the race.

Then there’s the whole Exorcist side of things. You’ve got priests eating cheeseburgers and talking about the Bible in basement-level bars. This year a minor election scandal made The Hoya—misplaced election signs OH MY!—and there’s been a rash of bathroom violence. (In two consecutive weeks this month, one student was attacked by a crazy-eyed, hammer swinging villain. Another opened fire in the bathroom during the kick-off to the basketball season.)

Actually, this Georgetown place is sounding like every bit the shit show as its eight Ivy neighbors to the North.

Harvard has evidently had it’s own trouble with toilets. Not to mention the fact that Boston priests also like stalking students, er, former students who now have their own late night television show.

Princeton loves them some election scandals, too. It seems like they’ve had candidates killing/lighting squirrels on fire or dressing up in blackface for ages.

Yale, we’ve already explained, is the capital of self-righteous megalomaniacs.

Brown, on the other hand, is the douchiest school.

Cornell loves animal cruelty.

Dartmouth kids are great at drinking—so much so, booze is their mascot. Georgetown kids, however, are probably only OK at drinking.

Columbia also attracts children of diplomats. (Is Glenn Beck considered a diplomat?)

And Penn. Well. Keep it up, Penn.

You’re not so different after all, Georgetown! But seriously, go Google “georgetown student” and bask in your new-found prominence as a school for snots. Meanwhile, let us know if you do anything embarrassing.

But wait, there’s more:

One of the victims, contacted and their identity confirmed by the Herald, said they were told by the university not to speak about the incident. Privately, however, they said they do not feel it was an accident, though they could not say why someone would target that group.

THIS HAPPENED TWO MONTHS AGO. Not only did Harvard instruct the victims to keep the incident a secret, but both the Boston Police and Harvard Police are apparently holding off on investigating it until now.

The obvious Yale parallel after the jump.

Of course, Gawker immediately commented on the news with the obvious plea to flee the scene for students:

Harvard is still being weirdly tight-lipped about the investigation of, ahem, Attempted Murder Most Foul. For PR reasons, doubtlessly—they saw what happened at Yale in the Annie Le case. Although they do note they’re “installing more security cameras” in the medical school. So if you med students are gonna fuck there, fuck quick.

There’s something about those medical students. Maybe it’s some weird knee-jerk reaction to being forced to stay up for days on end in order to learn how to save lives. Or it might be how HMS has a history of denying its students constitutional rights.

Either way, next time you want to take a research job, head to Dartmouth.

Vice President for Campus Life Janet Dickerson has confirmed that, this spring, Princeton upperclass students may lottery in mixed gender groups for apartment-style suites in Spelman Hall. Gender-neutral, you say? Then where’s the news from Janet Genital-erson? (Rim shot for feminism!)

This initiative was conceived primarily for the benefit of LGBT students uncomfortable with traditional housing options. Meanwhile, campus religious fundamentalists are trying to decide whether they’re angrier that Princeton’s doing gays a favor, or that they’re letting heterosexuals have all the dirty premarital roommate sex they want.

Sophomore Emily Rutherford first broke the news on her Campus Progress blog Wednesday. The Daily Princetonian printed its own coverage on Thursday, with further details as to the program’s restrictions:

“[Undergraduate Life Committee chair Arthur Levy ‘10] said that at least half of the members of mixed-gender draw groups — like all Spelman draw groups — must be unaffiliated with an eating club.”

Hmm. Something tells us that the Princeton students most concerned with genderqueer-friendly housing won’t be those puking on the floor of T.I. this weekend.

After the jump, no more dick jokes—we promise.

Princeton is the last of the Ivy League schools to offer gender-neutral housing, with the notable exception of Yale—but it’s okay, Yale’s probably doing something really important in the meantime. Janet Sexual-organ-erson (sorry, we lied) explained the logic underlying this decision to The Prince:

“The choices…reflect the same options that our students will face as young adults when they graduate.”

Right, because when you graduate, you live in a wacky sitcom world where four quirky twentysomethings can cohabit a large apartment with no need for full-time jobs. Dickerson continues:

“Our goal is to provide a variety of housing as well as dining options for our students so that everyone may feel that they have an array of excellent lifestyle choices.”

Um, where’d that come from? Is she suggesting there’s going to be gender-neutral dining, too? Gives a new meaning to the term “sausagefest.”

Well played, Princeton. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Ten years from now, Spelman could be donated new wings named after the double-legacy babies conceived there.

They have decided that they are so hot that they will only hook up with legacies and athletes.

Feign surprise at Princeton exclusivity after the jump.

The tipster goes on to say:

When the girls go to tailgates, the chieftess wears white and all of the other girls wear black Princeton t-shirts.

Another incident of stereotypical Princeton self-selection? Shocking. All the fuss seems unjustified; it hasn’t been that long since Princeton’s website advertised themselves as the easiest Ivy to get into, just as long as you can graduate. Neither do they appear to be one of those misinformed elitist Tiger Tools who march around insisting on how interesting they are, nor do they use Hitler scare tactics and refer to themselves as monarchist royalty. If anything, Princeton should appreciate the fact that this gaggle of social climbing Pocahontases is sending desperately needed, legitimate publicity its way.

Mean Girls, and a New Jersey horde at that, really shouldn’t rile up anyone. We just hope one of them starts weather forecasting with her boobs soon.

Of course none of that has to do with Ivy League sports, so let’s hurry up and get to the countdown. Here’s the previous roundup if you want to know where the schools ranked last week. But if you read that, you’re living in the past. Things are different now man, so get with the program. Start living in the now. After all, tomorrow is just your future yesterday.

1. Columbia

Holds (insanely huge) bragging rights (for decades to come) over: Princeton

Columbia football hasn’t had a winning record in the Ivy League since Rocko’s Modern Life was on TV. Princeton is only 3 years removed from winning the league title. And even though the two schools were picked to finish 5th and 6th in the Ancient Eight this year, not even the Mayans could have predicted the 38-0 scoreline the Lions laid on the Tigers–a level of destruction not seen outside of Roland Emmerich movies. (Coincidently 38-0 is the range your IQ needs to be in for you to enjoy a Roland Emmerich movie.) In the league opener for both schools, Columbia left New Jersey with their largest margin of victory since 1972 and their first in-league road shutout since 1961. Lions quarterback Millicent “The Magnificent” Olawale ran for a touchdown and threw for two more, while cornerback Jared Morine had a 51-yard pick six.

One might say that calling this game utter destruction is an exaggeration since the stats are actually very close and the game only got out of hand in the fourth quarter where the Lions scored three of their five touchdowns. And to that we say shut up Princeton Athletic Department’s writeup of the game, because none of that matters. What’s important is that Princeton, traditionally near the top of the Ivy League in almost all sports, was completely blown out by the “perennial pushover” Columbia Lions. It was a such a humiliating loss that in order for the Daily Princetonian to find a silver lining, they had to reach back to 1890–you know, before the forward pass was legal. This is the event that will bring Princeton and its fans down a peg for years to come. So remember fellow Ivy Leaguers, the next time the Princeton band shows up at your school for a game and starts acting like the dickweeds they are, just walk up and politely remind them about the day their beloved Tigers lost 38-0 to Columbia at home. There is no comeback.

The rest of the schools follow the jump.

2. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Dartmouth

If it wasn’t for Columbia’s epic performance, the Quakers would most likely have been number 1 this week. In Saturday’s other Ivy League football contest, Penn topped Dartmouth 30-24 in Hanover for their first win of 2009. With the wet conditions and their starting quarterback injured, the Quakers adopted the strategy of It’s the Running Game, Stupid (IRGS) to a tune of 288 yards on the ground. Elsewhere, Penn women’s soccer pipped both Cornell and Army, women’s volleyball swept Princeton, and women’s golf won the ECAC title. Huh, that was a very quick collegiate women’s golf season. We didn’t even know it started.

3. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

After two weeks of near misses, Bears football finally picked up their first win of the season, 28-20 over Rhode Island to win the Governor’s Cup. Wide receiver Buddy Farnham is the second-most popular person on campus this week (it’s impossible to be number one anymore) after an epic performance of 274 all-purpose yards and two touchdown catches that has earned him various accolades. Meanwhile, Brown’s men’s and women’s soccer teams beat Columbia this weekend. But all of those sports are now going to have to take a backseat because the big game on campus has kicked off its schedule. That’s right, it’s equestrian season! Woooooo! We can’t wait to hear what the equestrian hooligans have come up with this year. “Is that your horse or did you put a saddle on your mom!” Ah, fans.

4. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Okay, we’ll admit we haven’t been too open to reporting on the sport of rugby in the past. In fact, we seem to recall pissing off the entire Dartmouth rugby team. In most cases when we anger a person or group for something we wrote here in the IvySports Roundup, we don’t give two shits. However, this is something we actually feel bad about. As such, the IvySports Roundup is going to retract its previous comment about college rugby only being made up of athletes not good enough to make the football team. In addition, we’re putting the powerhouse of Ivy League rugby in the final top-half slot in this week’s rankings, despite how much their football team sucks.

What made us change our minds? It turns out that 2009 marks the first year that the Ivy League’s rugby clubs are playing each other in a league format. Despite our reservations about including what are essentially student clubs on the same level as mock trial and quiz bowl amongst the other IvySports, we cannot deny that an Eight Colleges Championship is totally awesome. And the Big Green are the rulers of the new league, outscoring their opponents 264-11 so far this season, including a 31-0 shutout of previously unbeaten Harvard. What do you think of that, Wales? We don’t see you doing that shit.

5. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Crimson football won their 800th game in program history with a 28-14 victory over Lehigh. Third-string running back Cheng “Jai” Ho made the most of his start with a 132 yard, two touchdown performance while the Harvard defense forced five turnovers, including two interceptions by Collin “Spelling?” Zych. Also, Harvard’s 8th-ranked men’s soccer team beat Yale 1-0 on a golden goal (because college soccer has dumb rules). With such good results, the Crimson should be higher on the rankings. However we just can’t get over that awful Hermione Granger opening line in The Crimson’s write up of last week’s football game. It’s just that bad. [shudder]

6. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

Things didn’t go so well for Bulldog football as they fell to Lafayette 31-14 for their second straight home loss. As was the case all over the east coast this weekend, the weather sucked and thus made losing doubly depressing. Two bright spots on the weekend for Yale were field hockey knocking off the previously unbeaten Big Red in overtime 1-0 and women’s volleyball sweeping Brown. In addition, all the crappy weather means that Yale’s super sailing teams have a chance to shine. Yay wind!

7. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

It was not a good weekend for the Big Red as two previously unbeaten teams lost. In addition to the aforementioned field hockey loss, Cornell’s then-”others receiving votes” football team were dealt a Finger Lakes bitch-slap in a 45-23 loss to Colgate. Women’s volleyball did sweep Columbia. Oh, and also…

8. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: 38-0

Enough said.

See you next week.