Oh reeeeeally?

So…my son didn’t get into the same school my daughter goes to. When we got her in there four years ago, the rule was that if one sibling was admitted, younger siblings would be admitted, too. Unfortunately, that rule has changed (due to class size amendments) so now I have two kids at two different schools.

My son will never have the experience of going to school with his sister. I know it’s silly but this upsets me—I was always envious of the kids that had brothers and/or sisters in the same school and I was excited that mine would be together for two years. My hopes and dreams? DASHED.

I try not to dwell on the negative aspects of life too much but recently, I feel like the universe and I are at odds; like I’m running into roadblocks at every turn—nothing is going the way I want it to and everything is a challenge, as evidenced by my crying big, fat, stupid tears of frustration yesterday at my son’s school while trying to get him registered.

Note to nice school office personnel: I swear I’m not unstable or crazy. Ahem. I’m just incredibly frustrated with our health insurance, our kids’ new pediatricians, the health department’s infinite loop phone system and my new eyeglasses, which make my eyes ache constantly thanks to a heaping helping of astigmatism correction. And that’s the super short list...

Generally speaking, I believe that going with the flow of life is the thing to do; that you should carefully pick the things you want to fight against and accept the rest because there just isn’t enough energy in the world to take on every damn thing.

But lately, I have a lot of things I can’t just throw to the wind, they need to be dealt with and they really need to go a certain way. It’s been exhausting and challenging, to say the least. I don’t know how people live like this all the time.

I’m trying really hard to change my attitude, to get back to where I was, but being positive actually takes a certain amount of purposeful thinking and action and I just don’t have it in me right now. Maybe going to Blogher next week will help with that…a change of scenery, a change of pace and for all intents and purposes, a vacation in my favorite city. Crossing my fingers. And toes.

Social networking… Every day is like a mini class reunion—so much fun and yet so much potential for shame.

Yeah, it recently occurred to me that when I meet up with old friends on Facebook I’m kind of embarrassed about never having left the town in which I went to college.

I might as well just put “Hi! I just stayed here f*cking marinating in this place while the rest of you went uh…wherever it is that you went and led what appear to be vastly more interesting lives. So how have you been?” in my bio and be done with it.

I didn’t join the freaking Peace Corp. I didn’t go backpacking across Thailand. I didn’t get my PhD or even my masters. I didn’t intern in Washington. I didn’t set up a charity to help build a school for deaf Albanian orphans. I didn’t travel the world as a photojournalist for a major media outlet.

I got a degree. Didn’t work in my field. Got married. Had a couple jobs that inspired homicidal fantasies on a frighteningly regular basis. Got pregnant. Quit working. Did a preschool co-op for a while. Founded a Moms Club chapter (that alone is reason for shame), had another baby, started blogging…and the rest is, as they say, history.

*gently smacks you*

Wake up!!! I know my life is boring and all but you don’t need to rub it in by snoring in the middle of my shamefest!

You know what happens when news coverage of a shocking topic is on 24-7 for months? People become numb to it. They get tired of hearing about it. They feel powerless. Any outrage they may have felt is replaced by resignation.

I know this because it’s how I feel about the “war on terror.” But that’s been going on for almost 10 years. I think indifference is to be expected after that long as there is only so much emotional browbeating people can take every single night on the news. That indifference is, IMO, a form of self-preservation because who can maintain a consistent sense of active outrage for ten years? Most people just can’t.

But the Gulf Oil Spill Disaster (yes, I capitalized it—it deserves to be capitalized) is merely months old and yes, even I have reached my saturation point on many occasions where I just had to retreat and stop thinking about it.

That said, I can, to some degree, understand the indifference I encounter on, say, Twitter when we tweet horrific things about #oilspill but it hurts my heart to see how many people are COMPLETELY detached from what’s going on out there.

This disaster is NOT going away anytime soon and the effects are not going to be limited to MY backyard. The entire world will eventually be affected by this so even if you think this is not your problem because you live in the middle of the country where there are no beaches or fishing industry or stunningly beautiful marine life, you are wrong—it is hurting people YOU know. It is hurting YOUR breathing air. It is hurting YOUR food supply. It is hurting YOUR country.

Again, I understand how easy it is to allow yourself to detach from the intensity of this situation. I really do. I’m guilty of it myself at times but I have to ask…WHERE IS THE COLLECTIVE OUTRAGE? Why are we not standing together AS A NATION and demanding the cover-ups and cost-cutting and responsbility-shirking and victim-blaming STOP? Because THOSE THINGS *ARE* GOING ON.

That’s not to say people aren’t doing anything. There have been a ton of people doing things to try and help but honestly, insofar as I can tell, nothing is going to truly get any better until we demand that our governmental agencies, BP and the media cut the crap—helping BP to cover this up serves nobody’s interests except theirs.

People are getting sick, wildlife is dying, poison “dispersants” are being dumped into OUR water, trained and qualified volunteers are not being allowed to help, respirators are being denied, insurance and loss claims are not being acknowledged and NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE.

Well—and this is where I get nasty—I’m sorry that you’re tired of hearing about this and I’m sorry it’s not as entertaining as, say, The Bachelorette but if you want reality programming…THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. Get off your couch potato asses and write a letter, make a phone call, tweet something, call your representatives, sign a f*cking petition, write a blog post expressing your disgust and outrage—assuming you can muster any up—but please, for the love of your flat screen television, don’t ignore it.

DO SOMETHING—because at some point, this will be YOUR problem, too.

And if you do nothing, you really are letting the “terrorists” (read: BP) win because OUR indifference and complacency is what they’re banking on.

/rant

If you want to hear a first-person civilian account of what BP has been up to for the past two months or so, watch these videos. Kindra Arnesen, a Louisiana resident and wife to a Gulf shrimp fisherman, was invited inside the BP machine and apparently they forgot to censor themselves in her presence because she saw and heard things that will shock you.  These were already covered by some major media outlets already last month but they speak volumes about where BP really stands on all of this and if you haven’t seen them, you need to.

The first video discusses worst case scenarios in the Gulf regarding hurricanes, acid rain etc. and it’s heavy stuff. The second video is Kindra Arnesen discussing her time as an insider at BP.  As noted, what she saw and heard is jaw dropping. PLEASE WATCH BOTH!

These are not ranty, conspiracy nut videos appearing on some left-wing fringe group’s site (as Fox News would have you believe). The web site on which they appear is just a convenient place to send you to see both videos. These have been covered by the mainstream media already (in June 2010). This is the real deal.

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We have to do something but like everyone else, I feel largely helpless in the face of such unfathomable tragedy. One thing I DO know? The people living right on affected waterways in places like Louisiana are getting sick from breathing the benzene—and dispersants, I assume. They need to be moved away from there.

Donations to the Gulf Coast Oil Spill Fund will go, primarily, to help the fishermen and residents of the most affected parishes in Louisiana—Plaquemines, St. Bernard, lower Jefferson, Terrebonne, and Lafourche. Please make a donation—if 1 million people gave $10 each, it would do a world of good in helping the sickened residents and those who have lost their livelihoods to rebuild their lives.

If you know of any other reputable charities to help oil spill victims, please let me know.

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Just a few of the MANY petitions out there, if you care to sign…

Allow Media Access to Oil Spill Clean-Up

Hold Big Oil Accountable to Paying Full Price

Tell EPA: Take Away BP’s Billions in Federal Contracts

I could post links all day and not even come close to being done so I’ll stop here and get this up. Feel free to share must-see links to news, video, blog posts, petitions etc in the comments.

And I apologize for being so harsh up there. I’m frustrated. I hope you understand.

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If you would please TWEET, STUMBLE and DIGG this post, I would be eternally grateful!

In chronological order…

Baby Bump - For the EFFINGLOVEOFGOD, it’s not a BUMP. It’s a baby and a belly and just…JUST STOP SAYING IT. Because it bothers me. A lot.

Push Presents - Um, newsflash—the BABY is the reward! But on the off chance that your new baby isn’t enough of a bonus for you, the long-term reward comes in about 25 years or so, when it becomes apparent, I HOPE, that instead of a soulless sociopath, you’ve raised a decent human being!

Boob Juice - If you know me at all, you know I’m a total supporter of breastfeeding and BF rights etc but seriously, calling it boob juice just makes my toes curl. I beg you…please stop impeding my ability to wear shoes.

Huggies Faux Denim Diapers - Okay, I admit they’re kind of cute in their own silly way but they beg the question… were you planning on taking your baby out in just a diaper? No pants or bloomers? No diaper cover? Because that’s the only way anyone is going to see the faux denim diapers and I have a thing about babies going around in their diapers. I mean, do YOU go around in nothing but your underwear? And then poop in them?

Your Baby Can Read! - Okay, first of all, those kids in the commercial are not babies. Second of all, stop being show-offs, people. The rest of us who had to  raise our kids without Your Baby Can Read already feel bad enough that our kids are just, you know, REGULAR smart, as opposed to WEIRD CHILD PRODIGY smart.

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Latest Post: BULLETIN: The BP Oil Spill is Your Problem, Too

First off, let me say that I’m not a fan of McDonald’s. Other than the Southwestern salad, I find their food largely unappetizing. Now, that doesn’t mean I won’t eat a fry or two because okay…their fries are pretty tasty. But the burgers are weird and have little hard things in them and the nuggets, despite claims to be all breast meat, have the occasional weird rubbery thing in them AND, I read somewhere (and this  MAY be an urban legend) that, were you to put one in a sealed glass container, their burgers look exactly the same a year later, as in NOT DECOMPOSING.

So yeah..ungoodness all around—and we haven’t even discussed the Happy Meals for little kids promoting PG-13 movies thing or the obesity thing or the not-humanely-raised eggs issue.

Okay, so now I’ve painted a pretty accurate picture of how I feel about the golden arches. Not exactly “lovin’ it”.

But then they went and did something totally diabolical.

MORE diabolical, I mean.

They introduced the Frappé.

It comes in mocha and caramel.

And I hate myself for saying this but THEY. ARE. GOOD.

And cheap.

And easy to get.

Not unlike a visit to your conveniently located neighborhood crack house.

I don’t know how many calories are in them and I don’t want to know. I just want my fricken daily Frappé.

It’s cold, creamy coffee goodness soothing the helltastic summer heat…

It’s caffeine, however meager, coursing through my veins and perking up my wilting, heat-stricken spirits…

Like any good junkie, I have a love/hate relationship with my dealer.

I hate them until I need a fix and then, despite all attempts at resistance, I find myself taking a different route so I can hit the drive thru.

And like any good junkie, I feel guilty and ashamed when it’s all gone and make promises to quit.

I NEED an intervention. PLEASE!

Right after I finish this giant mocha Frappé—you know—last hurrahs and such…

Should Adults Be Tinkering with Kids’ Friendships?

I just read an interesting post today on Blogher about kids and best friends. In a nutshell, some don’t think it’s healthy for kids to have strong friendships with one person or, I suppose, a limited number of people and that adults (teachers, camp counselors etc) should intervene (by separating them) and encourage more group interaction.

On one hand, I understand this. My daughter, who is almost ten, has always had a small coterie of BFF’s (depends on the week which one is THE BESTEST) but these friendships are very important to her and can be rather intense at times, especially as they start to get older.  I always encourage her to make multiple friends in her classes each year because you know, putting all your eggs in one basket can lead to disappointment in a numerous ways, but alas, she doesn’t listen. She’d rather have a lesser amount of really good friends than a stable of “meh” friends. While I totally get this, I still can’t help but occasionally encourage her to be more group-oriented. It just seems more sensible, even though, at heart, I know it’s not her thing.

She and I are are, in many ways, cut from the same cloth. I, too, prefer a few really good friends to a group of “meh” friends. I like knowing that my besties are trustworthy and we are always there for each other, rain or shine. You just can’t say that about a group of people that you haven’t totally bonded with over tears and confidences and private jokes that don’t make sense to anyone else. My dearest friends make me feel secure and loved and we always have each other’s backs. You just can’t get that from a larger group, especially not a group of females (no offense to my gender but seriously, groups of women are just… *shudder* Do I really have to explain?) My nearly lifelong BFF and I have been through all kinds of stuff together, good and bad, and trust me, no group of people could ever trump 32 years of one-on-one friendship.

That said, I’m not so sure that forcing kids, especially girls, away from their closest friends, and into group-oriented situations, is such a good idea. Not everyone is cut out for that and some people just don’t dig groups and the resulting group dynamics *raises hand* And regardless of whether you hire a “friendship coach” (yes, you read correctly) introverts (and/or those who simply prefer quality over quantity) will never become extroverts and nor should they have to—because really, how much would the world suck if we were all exactly the same?

Ultimately, we can advise them, we can guide them and we can try to get kids to have more than one BEST friendship but I think that’s where it needs to stop.

I say let kids choose how they want to roll—a few close friends or a ton of acquaintances—they’re going to gravitate to their comfort zone and we should respect that. I know if I was forced to do the big group thing on a daily basis with a bunch of women (and believe me, I have—groups of men are far preferable) I would ultimately be miserable and I would hate to think that, in the name of “helping” we end up making kids miserable, too.

This is just a little love note to my readers and even more so, to my commenters.

I don’t give anyone much of a reason to come back here on a regular or even semi-regular basis. I know that.

But you guys are always here for me, regardless.

You lift me up when I’m down, you shoo away my overwhelming self-doubt when I can’t do it myself and you even talk me off the proverbial ledge every now and then.

I just want to say thanks. You’re the best XO

I’ve had many identity crises in my life. The worst was when I became a mom. I just didn’t know who I was anymore and it took a good long time to settle into this mom role. Eventually I sorted it all out. I know who I am. I don’t need my name sewed into my underwear. Nope.

But I don’t think I want to be IzzyMom anymore.

Is that weird?

I feel hemmed in by it. I feel stifled and just, I don’t know…

Anyway, not sure what to do about this, if anything. I tried a couple years ago to transition to The Caffeinatrix when I was tired of being a mommyblogger but then I realized there is value tied to this name. People know it. It’s heavily linked (only because I’ve been blogging since late 2005, not because I’m completely awesome. No. I’m really only a little awesome).

So yeah, there’s also what one of the bazillions of social media experts on Twitter would call “brand recognition” and when I kind of impulsively jumped ship here to start The Caffeinatrix, someone at a conference asked me point blank why I was abandoning my “brand” that I’d worked so hard to build (I did?) and then I kind of freaked and was all  “Nooo…I want back in! I want my mommyblog back!” mostly because it felt safe and comfy and familiar.

But you know, I don’t write about being a mom all that much, or my kids really at all. What business do I have even having the word “mom” in my name?

Like my before-babies clothes, it just doesn’t fit anymore. But if I leave again, will I be able to come back when I panic and need my mommyblog woobie?

Will anybody even care if I move again?

Would I even care if they didn’t?

Do I even need a personal blog?

Do I even like blogging anymore?

I do have things to say. I just feel like none of it fits in this space anymore.

And the most important question of all, because I’m all about the depth, folks…

WHAT WOULD I CALL IT???

You know…I used to write about so many different things in this space and even now, I *think* about things I want to write about here but in the end..this place seems to have become a place to either reflect on my mental state or whine about it.

—

The feeling. It’s subtle but it’s there…quietly threatening.

The only way to describe it is to say that I’m starting to feel disconnected from everything around me…again. I hear you, I see you, I talk to you—but it’s like there’s glass between us; between me and the world. It’s like a…precursor to depression; not as bad as the real thing but not so great either.

It could just be hormonal mood swings that will be gone as quickly as they came.

I hope.

I’ve kinda sorta been weaning myself off Wellbutrin realllllly slowly and I’ve been taking L-Tyrosine (amino acid) 2x a day. Not sure if it’s doing anything but with my history of thyroid issues and depression, it’s just what the doctor would order—if the doctor were less inclined to break out the old prescription pad and medicate me within an inch of my life.

I just hate being beholden to medication. I know if you need it you should take it but there’s this nagging voice in the back of my head that always reminds me that this is my BRAIN we’re tinkering with and that being on any brain-tinkering drugs long term might be bad for you and really, who’s going to tell you that? The drug makers? Pffffftttt. RIGHT.

So anyway, what I think I really need right now is to TALK, with actual spoken words (as opposed to emails and IM’s) to someone who isn’t my husband or children. I’ve been isolating myself….burying myself in new projects and hiding from the world. That can’t be healthy *sigh*

/braindump

I recently removed myself from a situation that was making me really unhappy. Actually, it was making me more than unhappy. I was stressed all the time; I felt distrustful of the people I was involved with and constantly felt enveloped in negativity.

I had originally entered this situation at a friend’s request. It seemed like it would be fun and at first it was. But after a while, things changed and I realize now that I stayed in this situation out of a sense of loyalty and duty far longer than I should have, even though I was totally miserable.

I had begun thinking of getting out of this situation but wasn’t sure how to go about it. Then one day, the opportunity to peacefully but honestly speak my mind and make my exit presented itself. I took the opportunity and have never regretted it. In fact, I’m amazed at how much happier and more positive my life is since leaving.

I’m a firm believer, though I seem to have forgotten it for a while, that the universe knows exactly what you need and will show you the way when the time is right.

It took me a while to realize how unhappy I was and for the longest time, it never occurred to me that I. Could. Just. Leave. I was so busy trying to do my part, meet my responsibilities and deflect the negativity that I forgot that I had the power to change the situation by removing myself from it. Once the universe showed me the way out, I took it and did it with dignity, self-respect and a good amount of restraint.

I’m not going to lie and say that I wasn’t bitter about certain things. I was. But I’ve worked hard at taking the high road and taking my ego out of the equation and that has helped tremendously. Sometimes it’s difficult to resist the urge to say or do something nasty and petty. Sure, it would make me feel better in the moment but in the end, it’s totally ego-driven and ultimately, it would hurt me more than anyone else.

I’m a sympathetic person most of the time but I’m not an overly empathetic person. I really do have to work on it every single day but by putting myself in other people’s shoes, the hurtful, thoughtless and rude things they do bother me a lot less. That’s not to say I don’t feel annoyed or irritated or insulted at times. I do. Frequently. I’m human. But being able to look at something from THEIR perspective and cutting them some slack because maybe they’re having a bad day, or they chose the wrong words or simply didn’t think before they acted makes me a happier person. I have to work at it because really, it’s a lot easier to carry around resentment and hold on to it, as if that will somehow make the other person sorry or make them pay for what they did to me—but it doesn’t. It just makes me dwell on it more and attract more negative energy into my life.

To be clear, I’m not a model citizen by any means and I don’t fancy myself to be any more enlightened than anyone else but in my opinion, what they say about forgiveness is true. It’s a gift you give YOURSELF. It’s not letting the other person get away with something bad that they did to you. It’s giving yourself the gift of letting it go and moving on. No, it’s not always easy and yes, there are some people in my life I still haven’t forgiven or even attempted to make amends with, mainly because I’m just not ready. That’s something I will carry around with me until I make it right and it is a burden.

As I said, I forgot all these things for a while—I was just too caught up in my situation to see clearly—but I’m making the effort to re-acquaint myself with these beliefs because they work for me.  Trying to live and make choices and act without my ego calling the shots is really hard sometimes, but when I do it, I consistently see positive results.

One notable change is how people act towards me when I’m operating in such a manner—they are simply nicer, kinder and more helpful. It’s the weirdest thing but I swear it’s true. The only conclusion I can come to is that I am giving off a more positive energy and people, even total strangers, respond to it. Maybe I smile more. Maybe I have a happy vibe. I really don’t know. All I do know is that when I’m not weighed down by my ego, life is just better and easier and the universe seems to respond to my needs far more.

Example? The other day I was worrying about money. I know worry is a useless emotion but things have been really tight lately and I was feeling really strapped financially. I tried some positive affirmations about abundance and prosperity and thanked the universe for all our blessings, of which there are many. Two days later, a former client from over a year ago came to me and proposed a situation that would give me some needed financial relief. I was happy and grateful. But when the money came into my account, it was double what we had discussed. My client wanted to do expand his original request and had gone ahead and paid me for it, which I was not expecting. The universe was listening and brought me exactly what I needed and had asked for.

Please know, when I say universe, that’s my catch-all term for all things divine. It can be God or Goddess or the divine creator or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, if you wish. Names are irrelevant. It all comes from the same place.

And why am I prattling on about all this? Because I hope it can help someone else. And really, it’s never a bad thing to put more positivity into the world—it all comes back to you eventually :)

*I never actually read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy OR Life, the Universe and Everything but the title of the latter is so befitting this post, I had to reference it. I’m a book poseur. *shameface*