That if I pushed myself hard enough, through sheer will, I could have the experience of life I always wanted.

That if I meditated hours every day, I’d finally achieve lasting inner peace.

That if I underwent years of therapeutic practices and healing modalities, I’d finally be free of my lifelong relationship and sexual issues.

That if I painstakingly followed the right health regimens every hour of every day, I’d finally be free from my debilitating chronic health issues.

That if I woke up before dawn and followed a strict 3 hour morning routine, I’d finally achieve consistent fulfillment and invigoration.

And I was consistent AF.

I stuck to every routine, every regimen, every habit, with a relentless determination to get what I wanted or die trying.

But no matter how much damn effort I put in…it was never enough.

Sure, I made some progress. But at such a slow rate, it’d be many more decades before I got the results I wanted.

And no matter how much progress I made, something still felt off.

I had achieved many things I wanted externally…but still felt a constant, pervasive hum of dissatisfaction.

Not to mention, all that force and discipline was SO goddamn exhausting.

And absolutely deadening to my soul.

I started to think, “well, maybe this is just how life is and always will be” 🤷🏻‍♂️

Turns out, no. Not necessarily.

There is another way.

A way that could ACTUALLY bring the quality of life I’ve been endlessly seeking.

But it requires letting go of all the above: force, effort, willpower, control.

(Even letting go of outcomes, results, and goals.)

And trusting Yourself – your innate inner knowing – to a depth you never knew was possible.

Letting it FULLY steer the ship.

Once you do, you’ll see for yourself that it naturally knows how to take you to where you’ve been struggling to go.

To profound inner peace and stillness.

To deeply intimate, loving, healthy relationships.

To enjoyable, effortless, shame-free sex.

To thriving health and enjoyment of your body.

To sustainable fulfillment and invigoration.

Without needing hundreds of hours of practices, routines, and habit formation.

None of these “results” are things that you need to effort or WORK towards.

Because they are all innate to you.

(It’s like thinking you need to put in effort and work to learn how to make your heart beat)

All are naturally available to you.

Once you stop forcing and efforting and controlling so much…

Let your innate knowing fully take the wheel…

And get out of the way.

Same with relying on logic, analysis, rules, research, best practices, Yelp reviews, Tim Ferris, etc.

Nothing wrong with using any of these tools as additional input, as supplementary information.

But as the entire compass for navigating your life??

Nah fam 😏

Only YOU can truly know what’s right for you.

And every time you look to any of the above to tell you what to do instead of checking in with YOUR inner knowing…you’re placing your trust OUTSIDE of yourself.

Your power. Your innate wisdom.

You’re placing the reins of your life into someone/something else’s hands, saying, “Here, take this. Tell me what to do. You know what’s right for me, better than myself.”

But that’s just not true.

And every time you do that, you’re ACTIVELY weakening your self-trust. Clouding your own navigation system. And strengthening your dependence on the external.

Becoming more and more disconnected from your internal compass. The one that points towards YOUR one and only unique path.

And wondering why your life feels a bit…off. Uncomfortable. Disconnected.

Like it’s not fitting on you properly.

That’s because you’re wearing someone else’s life – and those hand-me-downs are two sizes too small.

Stop looking to everyone and everything else to tell you how to live the “best” or “right” life.

There is no “best life”.

There is just YOUR exquisitely unique, perfectly tailored, custom fit life.

And to own it, you need to start trusting yourself.

And that world-class navigation system you came pre-installed with.

Stop relying on others’ directions. And start following your own.

…then your relationship is lacking tension (the right kind of tension).

Tension that comes from the both of you fully owning the truth of yourselves with each other. Without sanding off the edges.

Tension that comes from a relationship constantly growing, evolving, and pushing up against it’s former bounds…then bursting straight through to richer, more intimate territory.

Tension that comes from continuously dancing on the razor’s edge of the unknown, rather than settling in the comfort zone of the known.

Tension that comes from putting what’s true FIRST, not the relationship. And being willing to risk the entire relationship for truth.

But so many of us are doing the exact opposite: suppressing our truth for the relationship.
To hide or smooth over any parts of ourselves that might bring up “discomfort” (aka tension) in the relationship.

Constantly contorting ourselves to dissipate any sign of tension – then mistaking the resulting relief as a sign of well-being.

And then we wonder why we start to feel a low-grade deadness in the background. A dullness. An offness…but why? There are no big “problems”. We’re getting along fine, right?

(This is also when the tension can start to bubble out sideways via unclean channels. Where it manifests as unhealthy, dishonest, or “toxic” behaviors.)

And then our minds start tinkering, looking for solutions in the external:
Do they actually make me fulfilled? Are we right for each other? Would I be happier with someone else, or is this just how relationships are?

But you don’t get the answer to these questions by THINKING about them (as if it was a math problem to solve).

It’s answered by the tension itself – if you stop trying so hard to suppress it and allow it to naturally do it’s damn thing!

Then, the tension will eventually reveal that you are, in fact, incompatible…or will propel you even deeper into greater intimacy, love, and connection.

All you have to do is stop contorting yourself to make the relationship WORK (as if it’s some sort of project that needs to be properly managed)…

…and start letting the full authenticity of yourselves come to the surface. Without guardrails or bubble padding.

Then let the tension of the truth emerge.

Dance with it.

And let it take you and your relationship exactly where it needs to go.

**Hint: all of the above also applies to your relationship with life, regardless of romantic status.

It doesn’t look like extravagant trips to Bali. Or jumping out of planes. Or selling all your possessions to live in a cabin.

It CAN look like those things. But it can also look like: moving back home with your parents. Choosing a funny looking jar of salsa at the grocery store. Watching TV. Getting your eyebrows done.

Following your energy is never about what it looks like on the surface.

It’s entirely about the orientation behind it. WHERE it’s coming from.

You could be doing what looks like the most exciting, adventurous, bougie looking shit – but if it’s coming from your conditioning/programming, it’s just more deadness. 🥱

Or you could be doing the most mundane, pedestrian, boring looking things – but if it’s ACTUALLY what’s true for you – it will break you open to a new level of freedom, destroy your attachments/identities, and unlock a quality of life that you can’t even imagine. 🤯

It’s never about how it looks in the external.

And the more you focus on the external, and use that as a measuring stick of whether you’re living your best life – the more you’ll miss the nuanced internal movements that will ACTUALLY get you there.

Your Truth doesn’t give a damn about adhering to any templates, expectations, social norms, or preconceived notions of what your life is supposed to look like (yes, that includes your #bigdreams).

(In fact, if you’re truly following it, it’ll eventually shatter your attachments to EVERY single one of those.)

All it knows is what’s true for you.

And then the only question that remains is: are you willing to follow it? Regardless of how it looks on the external? Of how it looks to your family, friends, Instagram feed, and even yourself?

Or will you stay stuck on the external, forever skimming the surface of life, but never breaking free into the staggering depths of who you truly are and what you’re actually capable of?

It doesn’t magically fix all your problems. Make you special. Or automatically give your life purpose.

However many people DO experience a magic in travel.

But it’s not from the travel itself, per se. From buying a plane ticket, landing in a new country, trying to speak a new language, or having adventures with new friends.

The magic comes from what it’s NOT.

In taking a break from the deadened autopilot that’s become your life.

A break from doing shit you don’t want to, day in and day out.

A break from following the same routines, the same rules, inhabiting the same roles…over and over again.

It’s a momentary disruption to the layers of deadness you’ve encased yourself in.

And in that, you feel a glimpse of the aliveness that your life could be.
You catch a taste of what life could be like without the endless wall of cages you cram yourself in.

Of the infinite possibility that actually lays before you. Of what you could experience. Of who you could be.

But it’s just a taste.

And a surface-level one at that.

It may feel like a giant disruption to your existence – but without an actual, deeper re-orientation of your entire way of living – it’s just barely scratching the surface of the Aliveness you truly are.

And then one week/month/year later and you’re catching a flight home, back to life as you know it.

Daydreaming about the next time you’ll get to catch another glimpse of your true nature.

Or maybe daydreaming about becoming a digital nomad yourself, so you could travel 24/7 and make it your lifestyle.

That would be the answer, right? Endless beaches and freedom and aliveness?

No, it’s not.

Anyone who manages to travel long enough – especially if you have to work while doing so – knows that it’s not long before the routines, rules, and deadness sets back in.

Before new cages come along that you shove yourself back into.
That’s because travel, as radical of a shift as it may seem, is really just an external, surface level change.

It’s just a change in window dressing.

The aliveness that you caught a glimpse of isn’t in the new country, language, or culture.

It’s not in ANYTHING external to you.

In fact, it IS you.

The natural you that exists when everything that ISN’T you gets stripped away: the conditioning, the routines, the rule-based living, the “shoulds”.

And you’re able to do more than just catch a glimpse of it while traveling.

You can learn to live there. On a moment to moment basis.

Continuously choosing YOU over the programming that’s been instilled in you.

Leading to a quality of life that is truly unimaginable.

(And at the same time, what you’ve ALWAYS sensed you were meant for.)

A life in which you no longer need travel – or anything external to you – to inhabit the aliveness that you know you are at your core.

Truly being at home, no matter where in the world you are.

Not what looks good. Not what sounds good. Not what might-if-I-do-this-for-20-more-years-feel-good.

And not just surface-level pleasures or discomforts. I’m talking about a deeper “feeling good” underneath all of that.

It sounds too simple to be helpful. But that’s because we’ve spent a lifetime only listening to our mind, which thinks life needs to be so damn complicated.

Nature doesn’t think that’s too simple.

In fact, that’s how this insanely complex ecosystem with billions of moving parts conducts itself with such grace and ease.

Everything from the birds to the bees are just following what feels good (and pulling away from what feels bad).

Be like nature. Or more accurately, stop pretending you AREN’T nature. And follow what feels good.

“But doesn’t that mean I’d just skip studying for finals and get high and play video games instead?”

Sure, why don’t you try that.

It might be fun at first but I guarantee the closer it gets to that final, the shittier and shittier you’ll feel in the pit of your stomach. Until eventually, studying will actually feel waaaay better than not.

Following what feels good is simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

We’re so good at fooling ourselves. Convincing ourselves that being comfortable and “safe” is what feels good to us. And it CAN for some time. But often, if we’re paying attention, there comes a point when that doesn’t feel so good anymore.

Or chasing exciting highs and superficial buzzes, telling ourselves this feels good. While trying to shove down feelings of emptiness and unfulfillment, pretending they’re not there.

To follow what feels good, we have to start being honest with ourselves.

We have to start listening to our body, instead of solely our mind.

We have to trust ourselves over what our friends/family/culture tells us.

If you’ve spent an entire lifetime not doing this (and let’s be real, that’s nearly all of us!), then this may feel overwhelming. Too big to tackle. “How do I start? How do I know if it feels
good or if I’m lying to myself?”

Luckily, the answer is simple:

Just follow what feels good. Wherever you’re at right now.

Just by asking yourself this question, things will start to move. Clarity will start to arise. Bullshit will begin to be seen through.

Just like anything else, it’s a skill. It will deepen with practice.

And shit…who doesn’t want to practice feeling good? 🙂

The more you begin to follow what feels good, the more life will begin to open up, ease, unburden, and feel how you always hoped it would. Better, even.

And the more you’ll be living YOUR unique life. Not anyone else’s.

This is how nature, life itself, guides you exactly where you’re meant to be. Just like a body guiding it’s cells towards a cut that needs to be healed.

When we follow what feels good, we’re not serving our selfish needs. It’s actually the opposite.

We’re listening to instructions from LIFE itself.

And how arrogant would we have to be to ignore them and think we know better?

Photo by Dmitry Grigoriev.

That YOU are broken or deficient and need to be improved. Fixed. Made whole again.

And so no matter how many books you read, habits you create, routines you implement, “wins” you achieve – you’re often only ever reinforcing that core premise:

I am broken. I am flawed. I need to become “more” than I am.

Ironically, this is the ACTUAL underlying issue that made you get into self improvement in the first place!

And one that can never be alleviated by an endless parade of more accomplishments, more success, and more accolades.

True self improvement (and healing and spiritual development) must START from the fact that you are ALREADY whole and complete.

You always have been.

And anything that made you think you weren’t was just a misunderstanding.

And once this correct foundation becomes known and reinforced – EVERYTHING changes.

You stop fighting against yourself and start working WITH yourself.

You discover the wisdom inherent in all of your “issues” and “flaws”.

You begin to truly trust yourself and life itself.

And from there, any “improvement” or healing or development becomes so much more effortless – and 10x more effective!

This marks the end of self improvement and the beginning of self GROWTH – a constant, natural blooming rather than a never ending, bumpy “fixer” project.

You are NOT a broken fixer project.

And maybe the reason nothing seems to be working is because your entire approach is off from the get go.

You just can’t fix something that’s not broken. Period.

Photo by Harrison Haines.

…and holy fuck. That was so humbling.

Even with a small dip, I was reminded how overwhelming even the smallest tasks are from that state. How utterly heavy, bleak, and oppressive the world seemed. And how strong the impulse was to shut down and just give up.

I truly can’t believe I survived 7 years like that.

To all of you who battle with the darkness of depression and/or chronic health issues…I salute you. You’re an absolute fucking hero.

To weather this storm for days, weeks, even years on end is a kind of hell that many could never even imagine, let alone endure.

To maintain a job, pay rent, get groceries, even drag yourself out of bed everyday…it’s a goddamn miracle.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’m awed by you. Humbled by you. And proud of you.

I know you may not think similarly towards yourself right now, but at the very least, just try to be a little gentler on yourself.

You are NOT weak. Quite the opposite, actually.

You are trudging through hell every second of every day, summoning every bit of willpower to push forward, while surrounded by people who have no idea what you’re going through.

You are one badass motherfucker. And a miracle.

So cut yourself a little slack.

And while you’re at it, please get your thyroid checked (get a full panel test including FT3, FT4, RT3, and TSH). Read The Depression Cure (even if you’re not depressed, it’ll take your mood from a 6 to a 9). And message me if you want some support or just want to talk or vent with someone who gets it. I mean it.

And to those of you who have loved ones struggling with this – stop feeling sorry for them. Stop giving them your sympathy.

Instead, give them your love. Your pride. Your respect. Your awe.

Trust me, they’ve fucking earned it.

Photo by Umberto Shaw.

We literally have life-changing breakthroughs and shifts with EVERY single call. No joke. And it almost feels like my duty to share what I’ve been learning from him.

Here’s one recent lesson that’s already gone off like an atom bomb in my life (in the best way):

Talk real shit. Meaningful shit. Shit you ACTUALLY care about with the people in your life.

Share what you’re diving into, what you’re learning about, the things you’re chewing on and struggling with, your inner growth, your views on relationships, love, on life itself.

Are you doing this with your friends? Family? On dates? If not, that means you’re treating every opportunity for connection like a JOB INTERVIEW. Putting on a performance. Waiting to be assessed. Trying to meet expectations.

Instead of just being your true, authentic self.

I myself realized that I would talk about real shit…but only with close friends. Only with people who I thought would “get it”.

But not with my mom. Or on dates. Or with friends who don't do this kind of inner work.

As my mentor says, “if you can’t talk to your mom, you can't talk to a supermodel. But the good news is that if you CAN talk to your mom, you CAN talk to a supermodel. To a retail worker. To an executive. To anyone. They're all the same.”

I realized I was putting people into these separate little boxes, pretending that they’re different, and censoring or adjusting myself based on those imaginary differences.

But that’s bullshit.

Not only was I not showing up as WHO I really am, but it’s also condescending as hell. To not give people the loving respect to have REAL conversations with them and to engage with them in ways that are meaningful to me.

Since I was hit with this truth, I’ve been consciously trying to say real shit with the people in my life.

And the results have already been transformative.

I finally had a real conversation with my mom that I’ve been putting off my whole life: sharing that I wanted to start saying “I love you” to her and was nervous that she’d be uncomfortable with it.

Not only did she say “I love you” back, but she shared with me a touching story about growing up in a culture that never said those words. How, when she left Korea, she penned a letter to her parents through tears and wrote “I love you” to them for the first (and last) time ever.

It was an incredible moment we got to experience together.

Since then, I’ve had many more real, human conversations with my parents – breaking out of that stifling “parents / son” paradigm we've been stuck in our whole lives. I’ve been sharing more of my inner thoughts and life with them, and they’ve returned in kind. And we’ve never felt closer and more connected.

I also broke through those imaginary barriers with a woman I’ve been dating.

I never shared much about my self-growth journey with her since I (condescendingly) assumed she wouldn’t get it or be interested. But one day, I decided to just tell her all about this wild inner journey I’ve been on the past few months – about the powerful work I’ve been doing with coaches, the emotional blocks that were rapidly dissolving, and the new perspectives and shifts I was being opened up to.

Not only did she LOVE hearing about all of it, but she wanted to learn more to apply to her own life! And it brought us closer together. Now that that barrier's been taken down, we just continue opening up more and more, reaching depths that I never imagined were possible.

There’s still a lot of room for me to grow in this area, but I’m already enjoying the power – and the immediate benefits – of saying real, meaningful shit to people.

To everyone.

Giving the loving respect to share my real, meaningful self with them – and allowing them to share their real, meaningful selves in kind.

Photo by Harli Marten.

Your purpose is a living, breathing process.

It’s the process of you continuously moving away from that which drains and diminishes you, and towards that which enlivens you. Nourishes you. Expands you.

Turns out, that which best serves you ends up best serving others.

As you grow into yourself, you become a better son. Daughter. Friend. Partner. Neighbor. Guardian. Contributor.

And it’s already happening. 24 hours, 7 days a week. Whether you’re aware of it or not. Whether you’re deeply resisting it or not.

You don’t need to find your purpose. You’re already living it.

So act like it.

And lean in.

Photo by Jamie Street.