To My Nandini

When you left

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 08 May 2015 15:56:00 +0000

"Time fixes everything.", he sighed as he stuffed his cold hands deeper into his pocket and looked hard at the broken road. The bright street light shimmered at the edge of his spectacles like a tiny little fire.
"That is what I'm afraid of", I sobbed. "I'm afraid of time." My head was a whirlwind of despair, threatening to blow away any last dregs of sanity. My body felt leaden and I could hardly move in fear that the slightest change would end these last moments forever.
He wouldn't look at me. He kept scanning the cracks and crevices on the battered old road. "You want me to feel guilty for the rest of my life?"
"No, I'm just so terrified that one day I won't remember your face, I won't remember your eyes. There will come a time when I will have to pause to recall your name. I will lose your memory amongst countless other memories and my best efforts won't be able to breathe life back into them. Then you will be just a string of thought like a torn piece of cloth from a beautiful dress. With each passing moment it will get thinner and thinner until it disappears forever into the unreachable depths of my mind, among the other unimportant things."
The wind howled maliciously, stirring up little whorls of dust. Somewhere, a window banged shut and my heart skipped a beat. "If you love me, you will let me go", he said.
Fear seized me like a deadly disease, creeping it's way to every last corner of my body. I remained perfectly still; wishing that by some divine intervention, time stops at this moment. Wishing that the two of us could be frozen and embedded into this tiny little sliver of time because the next moment will separate us.
The next moment, the process of forgetting will begin. Each and every second that we etched into the gigantic mural of memories will be removed one by one until all I have left is a blank wall. In desperation, I will force myself to draw new moments to cover it's barrenness. As one will get replaced by the other, so will I. The girl standing before him will be shrouded by a carefully painted veil.
"I will never be the same without you", I pleaded as my tears blurred my vision. "I will never be this person again."
As he walked away, disturbing the stillness of things, I continued to cling on to the unmoving piece of land beneath my feet. The world around me gave way to destruction and desolation as the process of destroying my memories began against my will.

Durga

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Sun, 09 Mar 2014 17:54:00 +0000

That day, the blood red skies rained fire. The ground shook as mother earth trembled in dread. Weapons clashed like violent bolts of thunder. The deafening cries of death coupled with stench of blood and rotting flesh left no doubt that the netherworlds had risen, all hope was lost.

You stood on top of the hill, unafraid, stoking your lions mane to calm him down. Blood-lust boiled within you both. You scanned the carnage like a hawk until you spotted him; the mighty, the immortal Mahisasur! You smiled to yourself as a shiver of excitement ran through you.

You mounted your lion who descended the hill in giant leaps and bounds. It was a formidable sight! Volleys of arrows rained upon you as he manoeuvred through the battle field. Unflinching you rode on to face your enemy, your destiny.

Mahisasur laughed in glee as you challenged him to a duel. 'No man can kill me and you are a weak insignificant woman, wounded and soaked in blood. Come, embrace your death, it will be quick', he said. Your weapons clashed, splitting the earth and the skies. The universe stood still as you dealt blow after blow. The holy trinity watched with rapt attention as your enemy slowly crumbled below your massive strength.

You killed the invincible Mahisasur with a final stab from your trident. 'You fool, I am no man, I am greater than any man, I am Shakti, I am a woman', you said as fear crept into his dying countenance.

The war was at an end. They fell at your feet, 'Ma', they said. 'Mother, the creator of the universe, have mercy on us'. You swallowed your blood-lust and showed them mercy. You had fulfilled your destiny, you shall be celebrated forever more for your strength and courage.

But then...they invite you for four days then push you into the water. 'Goodbye', they say, 'It's time for you to go, come again next year.' You float away feeling powerless and confused, recalling the day the blood red skies rained fire. But don't you worry, there is a bit of you in every woman and many a demon who no man can kill.

Prisoner: Chapter 6

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 12:38:00 +0000

"So, when do start?"
Druv shifted uncomfortably in his seat. A request from the King's mistress is not a request at all. It is a royal command. He had never trained women. He didn't even know how. He quickly wiped the beads of sweat from his brow and scratched his balding head. The waistband felt too tight on his pot belly.
"Damini, give him a glass of water.", Payal ordered.
Druv accepted the glass and drowned its contents in one gulp. He took a moment to steady himself.
"Well then, can you answer me now? When do we start?"
"At the earliest, My Lady", sighed Druv.
"All right then, I shall see you tomorrow at dawn."
Druv bowed uncomfortably and took his leave. Payal smiled to herself. I will do all I can to be a fabulous archer. Prithvijit will surely... Her thoughts were interrupted by Damini. "Didi", she said. "A letter from the King". She placed the letter on her bed. "Didi, the runner was um..he was..wondering whether you have a reply to the previous.."
"Not yet, Damini", Payal cut her short. Her voice quivered with fresh onslaught of guilt that swept through her. She needed every possible effort to keep her voice still.
Once Damini had left the room, Payal picked up the letter. The royal seal glistened menacingly in the harsh rays of the sun that filtered into the room. Hesitantly, she opened it.

Payal my beloved,
We are winning, my love! Before long, victory shall be ours. I cannot lie to you. I must confess that I am not as happy as I should be. I am a coward. Yes, I admit it. How can I be happy? I have lost so many who are close to my heart. I shudder at the thought of facing their heartbroken families. I wish this war never started in the first place. Sometimes, I have a great urge to run away. Just abandon everything and leave. I will go to a simple village and lead a simple life. But alas, I will never hold you again.
The land are ruined, razed to the ground. Sometimes, when I venture out, I see the people of this land. The terror in their eyes and the curses on their lips give me nightmares. There is no victor to them, we are all barbarians who condemned them to an inhuman fate. My senses have grown numb from what I witness every day. I wonder if life will ever be the same again. Will I ever be able to shower you with love in the carefree way I used to? Will I even be able to feel the love that you give me? I know not.
Why didn't you reply to my previous letter? Is everything alright? I know, you are angry because I am away for so long. I am so sorry, my angel. I promise you, when I come back I will make up for lost time. Please have mercy on me...

Tears blinded her, making it impossible to go on. 'What is the matter with me?', she thought. 'I will send a message to Druv and cancel my training'.

Prisioner: Chapter 5

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 17:09:00 +0000

The smell of flowers filled her senses. She was overcome by the irresistible urge to just hold one in her hand and feel the softness of its petals. She ran as swiftly as her bare feet could carry her, in the direction of the enticing aroma. The sun blinded her momentarily as she came into a clearing. She shielded her eyes with her hands. Once her vision adjusted to the bright brilliance, she beheld an enormous tree, larger than life, covered in tiny white flowers. Her heart lept with a childish joy, as she pelted forward. The grassy floor was strewn with flowers; white with a pink center, the colour slowly fading towards the rim of the petals. She picked one up and gently strokes it. Happiness surged through her veins as she touched it to her cheek. She began to pick up large handfuls of the blossoms and collecting them in the 'anchal' of her white sari. All her pains and worries were gone and she skipped along like a young girl.
Suddenly, she tripped on a root and fell face forward. She opened her eyes and gasped in horror, all the flowers had disappeared and she was covered in dust and dirt from head to toe. Tears welled in her eyes as every insecurity she ever had came flooding back to her. She sobbed loudly.
Someone came and stood before her. He lifted her chin towards him. His bright orange dhoti magnified his flawless fair skin. Black curls encircled his face. His soft brown eyes were calm and composed. He smiled gently. The tears rolled away at his touch and she looked at him helplessly. He slowly bent down towards her, she closed her eyes...

Payal woke up. A deep hollow feeling crept over her. She closed her eyes again and open them, just to make sure she was awake but she was hoping against hope that she would see Prithvijit again. She pushed herself off the bed and dragged herself to the mirror. In the light of the lamp, she saw her own reflection. How ruined she looked. Her eyes had sunk in, her skin looked dull, her lips had lost colour, her hair was rough. She sighed. Prithvijit's beautiful faced flashed before her eyes. How perfect he looked, like a painting. His angelic eyes, his soft hair, his sculpted straight nose and his full red lips. She recalled the exquisite curve of his back and the lovely contours of his legs. 'How ugly I am', she thought. 'He will never look at me'.
"Didi", Damini's voice broke her trance. "A letter from the King".
She walked in and handed her a roll of parchment. Payal took the letter and stared at the glistening royal seal. A sudden pang of guilt passed through her but died out quickly. She carefully kept it away. 'I'll read it another time', she thought, 'when I'm feeling different'.

Prisoner: Chapter 4

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 10:58:00 +0000

'The sun shines too brightly, the birds are chirping up a storm and the river, oh God! Why does it have to be so loud? And those clouds, will they carry my message to the Raja like they carried the yaksha's in Meghadutam all the way across the country to his wife in Mount Kailash? Then why do they float about and mock me thus?' Payal sighed as she rested her chin against the window sill. The brightness of the day only brought to life the deep, heavy darkness in her heart.
She looked down into the field. 'What now?', she thought. 'Why are those boys setting up a target there? Can't they find another field to practice archery in? No, no! I want to sulk and cry and moan today, in peace.'
She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on the cold window sill to block out every last ray of light. 'Good grief! Here they come, to ruin my day.'
She opened her eyes to see a file of young men each carrying an ornately carved bow walking into the field. They talked and laughed amongst themselves, princes and peasants alike, such was the rule of this kingdom.
The old archer, Druv, called out to them to fall into position. Payal groaned, 'Druv...Raja himself was trainer by him. This will be a long morning.' She sulked and sighed, rubbing her tired face against her arm.
"Prithvijit, why don't you come up and set an example for the others?', boomed Druv.
'Prithvijit! Huh? Who might that be?', Payal looked down and her breath caught in her throat.
A young man walked towards the target, his feet hardly touching the ground. Soft black curls framed his face and fell on his smooth forehead; his bare chest and shoulders radiated a cool, soothing glow. The rough dhoti, encircling his sculpted waist, could not conceal his muscular thighs which rippled as he walked towards Druv. Payal wanted to look away but she couldn't.
Druv handed him an arrow. He put it to his bow and pulled it taught. Payal gasped as the muscles on his arms and shoulders rippled in the sunlight. He turned his body slowly and locked his gaze on the target. She felt the tension in his bowstrings resonating in every muscle in her body. She held her breath as her heart thumped deafeningly. With a loud twang he let loose the arrow. Payal ducked below the window involuntarily as she heard it whiz through the air.
Suddenly, the whole field erupted with cheers. She looked down to see the arrow pierced deep into the middle of the target, quivering slightly. She felt a deep excitement welling up inside her. He was beaming at his friends with a triumphant smile.
Lost in the excitement, Payal didn't realize that she was in full view. For a split second, he turned his head up towards her. His soft brown eyes locked with her's and he smiled. She felt as if her whole body was on fire, she quickly dropped her gaze and smiled back, unable to bear the intensity of his eyes. She moved away quickly from the window; suddenly aware of her smudged kohl, her unkempt hair and her tarnished jewelery. She took a moment to steady herself and looked out again but he was gone.

Prisioner: Chapter 3

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 18:19:00 +0000

"The King's whore", they had shouted from every window on the day she left her father's house for King Suvajit's palace. She could hear their piercing laughter long after the chariot had wheeled away along the dust roads of the village. Today, she heard it again from the Queen.

"Look Ma", she said, "the King's whore."

"Rani!", scolded the Queen Mother, shaking her grey curls in warning. "How dare you speak to Payal like that, in my presence!"

"Payal? Is that your name now? I always imagined harlots to be nameless beings. Tell me demoness, have you brought Rani Ma under your spell too?"
Payal's gaze remained on the heavily bejeweled Queen; unwavering, unblinking, betraying no emotions.

"They say you are an Apsara, a heavenly being. They lie! You are a demon from the deepest depths of burning hell!", she shouted, her jewelry clanking noisily as she trembled with rage. "You will bring this kingdom to its knees."

"I am warning you Rani, don't try my patience too far. Don't forget, I am in charge while the King is away.", said Rani Ma, her eyes burning with rage like hot coals.

"Ma, stop this nonsense. You let a creature like this come into your royal presence? She sent our King to war, Ma", tears welled up in her angry eyes.

"Suvajit will fight for his people Rani, that is his duty, his dharma. You will never understand that, you shallow creature. Payal simply guided him down the path of his destiny. You don't have the gall to do that."

"You bitch!", she screamed. "Look what you have done. You know magic don't you? Now bring the King back or I will wring you neck right here!"

She fell upon Payal with hands extended like claws, her teeth barred and a look of fury in her eyes.
"That's it! Guards!"
Two dark, muscular guards appeared within seconds of Rani Ma's call. They wrenched the Queen away from the gasping Payal.
"How dare you? Leave me, I command you!", yelled Rani, trying desperately to attack her again. Her eyes were red and her voice had assumed an inhuman pitch.
"I warned you Rani", said Rani Ma, calmly. "Guards, take her to her apartments".
"Listen to me, you cheap little harlot, see this Mahal? Each room houses a rejected queen. Atleast, the King married me and gave me a title, the title of the chief Rani. Do you think you stand a chance against that? One day he will reject you and find a new and more exciting companion. Mark my words, your 'divinity' will slip and on that glorious day, I will drive a sword into your demon heart!" Rani laughed an evil high pitched laugh which was terrible enough to freeze the blood flowing through anyone's veins.
"Payal, are you alright child?", Rani Ma came and sat beside her, taking her hand in her own.
"Yes Ma", answered Payal, still rubbing her bruised neck.
"I am so sorry, tantrums like this are quite the order of the day in this Mahal. The Ranis don't have the poise that befits their title. But, you are brave, my child. You have the resolve that befits royalty. No wonder Suvajit loves you above all."
"Ma, I am so afraid," Payal's eyes moistened.
"Fear not my dear. Have faith in destiny, it will take it's own course. I know my son. He will fight alongside his people, knowing that you are waiting for him. You see, he feels too deeply for a King."
"I know Ma, that is what I fear. I have faith in the Gods but I lose sleep thinking how he suffers the horrors of war."
"He has found love, my dear. My prayers have been answered. He will come back, a stronger person because he knows that you are his strength."

Prisoner: Chapter 2

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:07:00 +0000

Everything stood perfectly still. There was no wind to ruffle the treetops or make the lamp flame dance. Payal was only sleeping in brief spells. The damp airlessness of the night was making it difficult to breath. Fleeting dreams haunted her during the half asleep-half wakeful state, where she hovered. Her bedclothes, wet with sweat, stuck to her mercilessly as she tossed and turned. "Raja, don't go", she whispered. "Nobody wins a war. I beg you, don't go".
Damini sat at the foot of the bed and shook her head hopelessly. The nightmares had stopped temporarily, only to be revived by the arrival of the King's letter. "Didi", she called gently as she cried out in her sleep. "Didi, wake up." Payal was yanked free from her dream as she awoke with a start, a look of madness in her eyes which was now quite familiar to Damini.
"Where is it? Where is it?", she screamed, her voice entwined with insanity.
Damini was ready with the letter. Payal clutched it to her heart and cried desperately. When the tears ceased, she opened the letter to read it for the hundredth time.

Payal, my love,
Gods have surely forsaken this place. If this isn't hell, what is? The stench of death and rot lies thick in the air, threatening to choke me. All I hear are the deafening clash of weapons and the bone-chilling cries of the dying. My friends and family now lie dead in battle with nobody to perform their last rights, maimed beyond recognition. Often, I have had to plunge my knife into a man's heart in order to put him out of misery. I am responsible for countless deaths. Victory may be ours in the end but the immeasurable loss we have suffered cannot be compensated for. Our bards sing of honour and heroism at war but I tell you now, my love, there is nothing to be proud of here. These sins I commit will haunt me beyond this life.
I too die a new death everyday. I cannot help but admit that I miss you more than I can ever express. When I close my eyes and think of you, I swear I can hear your sweet laughter, the soothing tinkle of you anklet. I can even smell the flowers in your hair. Often I have this vision of you wearing a blood red ghagra and walking through the devastation in the battle field. You bend down and bless each body, sending him to the afterlife. I run to you as fast as I can, you look at me with those kohl laden doe eyes and disappear. The only thing that keeps me sane and helps me to inspire my soldiers everyday is the thought of you waiting for me to return.
Please forgive me, dear Payal, for the pain that I am causing you. I will make up for it in any way that you wish. I fear for your safety even within the palace walls because you are more precious and more beautiful than any jewel in the royal treasury. I only thank God for granting me your undying love. I escape death only to return to your warm arms. My heart is with you, keep it safe.

Your faithful servant,
Raja Suvajit

Prisoner: Chapter 1

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:33:00 +0000

"Where is the runner who brought this letter, Damini?", Payal asked..

"He is in the bhojanshala, Didi."

"Fetch him right away."

The fifteen year old handmaiden scurried off in a swish of her ghagra. Payal sighed as she watched her leave. Damini had grown considerably since she had rescued her from imminent death in the hands of the soldiers who had brought her to the palace in chains for some petty crime. Her heart had gone out to the little girl with the tear-streaked face. "Didi", she had whispered into her ears. Her heart had melted and she never bothered to change it into "my lady" even after she was employed as her handmaiden. She named her 'Damini', lightning because she always arrived at lightning speed when called.

Payal clutched the letter to her heart. The royal seal glistened in the bright sunlight that entered her apartment through the stain glass window.

"I beg you on bent knees, run away with me tonight. We will go far away, across the border and never look back," said the King. His voice was hoarse with pain, he held her hand in a bone-crushing grip.

"Why?", laughed Payal. "What is wrong with right here?"

"No, no my love. If we don't leave tonight, tomorrow morning I must leave you and God only knows if I will ever return to your arms", he cried, tightening his grip on her hand and making her wince.

Her eyes bored into his, looking for an explanation. "War", he whispered with trembling lips.

A single word brought her entire world crashing down. She attempted to reply but her voice chocked in. Every inch of her wanted to scream.

"Stop me, I beseech you. You know that a single word from your lips can make me move mountains," a single tear rolled down his smooth cheeks while his eyes seemed to scream in agony.

"You are the King, you belong to the people. From the moment you sat on the throne, my love, you forfeited the right to think about yourself", she whispered, trying to steady her voice inspite of the tears that welled in her eyes.

"Don't, I beg you. Don't do this. Will you see these hands, which hold you, bloodied in battle?", wept the King.

The words struck like a million arrows to her heart. She held his hands open on her lap and said, "If it is your destiny, it will come to pass. The people of this kingdom love you beyond measure. You are good and just. They will be heartbroken if you abandon them. Follow your destiny, my love for we all must, no matter how painful."

"Payal, you heartless angel, I cannot see tears in your eyes. I will burn down the entire kingdom, the entire world if you are in pain."

"See these tears then and go to war. Burn and wreck your enemy beyond measure. Avenge my pain and protect your people, she cried choking on her last words.

In the morning she ran, teary eyed down the road. Finally she fell to the ground weeping, engulfed by the dust stirred up by the King's horse. Even in her overwhelming grief, she could hear the unmistakable sound of laughter coming from the queens' apartments.

The memories seemed to rekindle the familiar ache that had given way to a strange numb nothingness over the past few days. She looked down at the thick roll of parchment and slowly began to open it.

Prisoner: Prologue

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:09:00 +0000

The Sabha Hall was empty except for two lone figures. Laughter, tinkle of jewellery and swish of clothes filled the air and bounced off the intricately carved columns that held up the ornate ceiling. Two figures were busy at play.
Payal was running from column to column and Raja Suvajit was unsuccessfully following suit. Nevertheless, he continued to chase her. After all, every man in the kingdom was trying to capture her and imprison her in his heart.
"Please have mercy, I cannot possibly run anymore", gasped the Raja.
Payal peeped from behind a column, just a few feet away, and disappeared again in a whoosh of clothing and a tinkle of bells. Just one look at her mesmerizing kohl laden eyes and mischievous half smile made him pick up pace. He followed the musical sound of her laughter and found himself standing before the throne of his ancestors.
She sat playfully on the throne, her bare feet swinging a few inches above the ground. The Raja stared in wonder. He had often heard passionate and exciting stories of Apsaras who lived in heaven. Gods, kings, men would all be fighting each other, abandoning kingdoms, throwing away their lives just to be in their arms. Suvajit often wondered whether she was as an Apsara. Surely a human couldn't be so captivating. He was a Raja and yet he felt so slight, so insignificant before her.
"Didn't manage to catch me, eh?", Payal whispered.
"I wonder if anyone can", replied Suvajit as he bounded up the steps and picked her up in his arms.
Payal was unable to think as his hot breath fell on her face. She gazed at him in silence.
"My dearest," he whispered into her ears. "One day the whole world will be at our feet".
She found her voice and replied, "You mustn't speak of such things, Raja. We have no power other than that which is given to us from above. We must wait for God's instructions and accordingly carry out our duties. Everything that is destined to happen will happen."
"No one can ever have any power over you", laughed Suvajit.
Payal laid a hand on his mouth and said, "You are the Raja and I..."
This time the Raja laid a hand her mouth and said, "..and you are mine."
She was lost for words yet again.

Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 07:11:00 +0000

"God, please protect me, I beseech you. I am tired of this worldly existence. Call me to your side, to your services. I promise, I shall serve you as long as my soul exists. I beg you, don't place any obstacles in my path to heaven. Don't tie me down to this life, where everything is 'maya', an illusion. "

Tears flowed down my cheeks as I offered my prayers before the silent deities. The smoke from the incense swirled around me like a protective cloud and mingled with the smell of freshly picked flowers.
Suddenly, I felt the presence of the strange man. His eyes boring into my back. I stiffened on the prayer mat.
"What are you looking at?", I said firmly, trying to conceal the ache in my voice.
"Nothing, just looking at you.", he said.
"Don't.", I said, even more firmly but he did not move.
I rose slowly from the ground and flung my wet hair over my shoulder. I did not dare to lift my gaze from the floor and meet his eyes. I walked up to the door where he stood.
"Let me pass", I said, still gazing at the floor.
"Why do you want to give me freedom, so soon?", he asked.
"I am no one to hold you back. You are free, you always were.", I said, cringing as I felt the intensity of his gaze on me.
   "But I don't want freedom.", he argued.
   This time I lifted my eyes and met his, fearlessly. "But I do.", I said before I walked away, leaving him dumbfounded.

One Night

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 17:06:00 +0000

"Why are we here?", asked the strange man.
"We are here to further God's work", I replied. "God created us in his own image. Love yourself, only then can you love God because God lives within you".
   His distant eyes sought the horizon, lost in thought. The sky was ablaze with millions of stars and the full moon made everything around us twinkle. The black river seemed to be strewn with innumerable pearls as if Sita had torn her necklace and cast it into the waters before being harshly carried away by Ravan. The howling wind seemed to carry with it, her desperate cries for help.
   "Do you believe in destiny?", he asked.
   "Yes, of course. This very moment is written in both our destinies."
   "Why don't you love me?", he asked as he turned to face me.
   I had no answer. I only prayed silently that the answer would come to us both.
   "Why do you suffer like this?", I asked. "Set yourself free, cut the invisible cords which connect you to me. Your soul cries for freedom".
   "Walk with me," he pleaded. "No one shall care for you as much as I shall."
   "I do not need caring for, God shall take care of me."
   "How long can you live like this? Watching people from above? One day you will have to fall to the ground, what then?"
    "That will be decided by destiny."
He sat silently for a moment before he politely took his leave. I smiled to myself and lay down beneath the sky. The light of the stars began to blur and merge into one as my eyes closed and I drifted off to a peaceful slumber.

Penance

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 15:19:00 +0000

I was walking down life's lonely road, when I met a strange man. He asked me for directions and went his way. Of course, I didn't know the directions to his destination; but I helped him the best I could. A few days later, I met him again, in one of life's by-lanes. I smiled, I said hello but little did I know...
I cannot say that I hadn't guessed it. It was obvious from the way he looked at me. His thirsty eyes seemed to drink off my very presence. I was pleased to know that he had a strong liking towards me but alas, I felt no stir of passion, no pangs of fiery love.
Days passed, words grew fewer even though our paths crossed often. I knew, that he had abandoned his road in order to watch me walk down mine. He watched with starved, hungry eyes as I hurried by. Soon he lost track of his destination and began to go around in circles.
Many-a-times, when I have taken shelter for the night, I have gazed upon the stars and wondered what is this invisible string of pain that attaches that strange man to me? What is it that he seeks? I never could find an answer. I learned soon, that there were many thing on heaven and earth that were beyond my understanding.
Many-a-times, he would disappear for days, trying to find his path again. But, soon he would return on his knees, begging me to walk with him, to love him. He could not understand why it was impossible for me to do so and he would die everyday.
After a while, he was reduced to a mere shadow. When I saw him, I was filled with remorse. How could my mere presence cause him so much pain? Often, I would try to explain to him that he should move on but his vacant eyes would remain unchanging.
What he doesn't know is that our paths are different, so are our destination. That is why, we can never walk together. He is headed towards life itself and I...I am trying to find a way out of this maze, a way to free my soul.

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 15:39:00 +0000

She was at the edge, the edge of the sharp cliff jutting into the raging dark sea. The fierce, howling wind almost dragged her listless body mercilessly to the steep drop below. Her bare feet slipped on the moist rocks as she struggled to keep herself erect. Blinded by tears, she scrambled desperately to avoid the fall. Her cries were inaudible to the deafening roar of the sea and its monstrous waves crashed violently in to the jagged rocks. "Dear God", she cried, "dear God!".

The overcast sky with its swirling black clouds was like the mouth of hell itself, sucking all the light out of the earth. They thundered so loudly that it seemed as if the Gods were at war and the blinding steaks of lightning were the terrifying clash of their weapons. The ground beneath her feet seemed to tremble in mortal fear.

She pressed her hands to her ears with all her might, her body shook in an almost surreal way, her heart thumped harshly beneath her chest. Suddenly, the sky burst forth a heavy shower of rain. It pierced her skin like a thousand sharp needles. The water was cold as death and she knew no more.

When she awoke it was mid morning. The sun blinded her for an instant. She lifted herself up with much difficulty. The blue sky greeted her warmly, the birds flew in merry circles over the peaks and the stunted trees looked beautifully green. She walked over to the edge of the cliff and stared in wonder. The water was clear blue and the foamy white waves caressed the jagged rocks. The sea rumbled softly, almost like a monotone.

She was sure that God himself had rescued her from the mouth of hell and brought her to heaven.

Dear Traitor

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Tue, 10 May 2011 13:23:00 +0000

Dear Traitor,

Let me get straight to the point. I know who my real friends are now. I am happy and I feel nothing for you. Yes, initially I felt really bad and unsure of myself but now I have left you behind, I have moved on.

You impressed upon me that true friends do not exist. Well, you were wrong! They exist in my life. They are there for me no matter what, no matter where they are, how far they are from me. Look at you, on the other hand, so close yet so self -centered. My true friends and I have very good times together and these difficult years have shown me who they really are. It’s your loss, dear Traitor.

What is worse is that you slowly got me to believe in you and then withdrew when I least expected it. That is cold! Well, as far as I remember you are cold and heartless and always were.

So, I will end this worthless letter by saying that my true friends will always be there for me, whether it is on chat line or it is on the other end of the phone. For you, the phone will keep on ringing because you won’t even care to find out whether I am in trouble or not. You will be buried too deep in your own sorry, selfish world where no one exists but you.

Someone along the way will do the same to you, Traitor and you will be forced to care. The best part is that no matter how much you think that we can survive alone, we can’t. Human beings need other human beings to remain sane. I hope your sorry ass finds this letter. Oh wait, you are too preoccupied to contact me, never too preoccupied to contact others. Well, I guess you think I am a fool who doesn’t know. Come to your selfish senses, I know!

Your blindly believing enemy.

Sea..

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 18:01:00 +0000

   I was lying on the soft wet sand at the edge of the sea. The scorching midday sun beat down on me.The cool waves gently kissed me bringing moments of sweet relief. I could hear the loud shrieks of the seagulls but could not open my eyes to see them gliding across the sky, trying to eclipse the fiery sun with their wings. Their cries seemed distant as the sea groaned in pain and thrashed against the rocks.
   Waves rippled along my body as the sand slid below me and drew me closer. Before me, there was endless blue and foaming white expanse of thrilling unknown waters; behind me, miles of unexplored hot sand. I had surrendered to the thrill of nature and my heart was racing.
   I was in a trance. The sea roared deeply as a gigantic wave crashed upon me and carried me within. I was thrown into a violent battle with the tides. As I struggled and gasped, a cool rush of water swept over me and all unrest ceased. I drifted down below. That's when I opened my eyes and saw the most spectacular secret world beneath. I could only pray in awe.
   But the sea always returns what it takes and I was soon thrown back onto the sandy ground. As I struggled in the harsh sunlight, I didn't belong to this world anymore. I had seen creation.

Bird

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 18:47:00 +0000

I spend many a day, singing away in lovely golden cage;

You said I will try, try and fly, when I came of age;

Months passed by, and I would sigh,

Yet the time never came;

When I will glide across the sky,

And join the jolly games.

You loved me, yes, but nevertheless my heart it did fly,

Tearing through the opposing winds, as I swooped across the sky.

With a weary heart I sang to you, I yielded to your love;

After all I was your very own beautiful white dove.

When you did stroke my soft white plumes,

And press me to your cheek,

Silently and painfully, my heart it would go bleak.

You fed me well; your heart would swell,

At the sound of my whistling tune,

I would sleep in comfort every night,

In the warmth of the silvery moon.

One day it grew too much for me,

And I demanded, you set me free.

You opened the door, of the golden cage,

Your pain, I could not see.

With a heavy heart, torn apart, you bade me a sad goodbye,

I froze at the edge of cage, in horror, I could not fly!

Twilight

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 17:53:00 +0000

In the twilight of my life,

When its time to find my way home,

When the harsh light of the day fades,

Into soft darkness.

The sun has abandoned the sky,

And suddenly there is a sense of urgency,

A haste to find shelter.

My steps quicken on the much known path,

I cannot see well, only silhouettes of people,

Progressing forward like dark shadows.

I can only see their faces,

When they are too close for comfort.

The air is torn with the cry of birds,

As they call each other to safety,

The hastened flutter of wings,

Cut though my soul like steely knives,

They cut through my sanity.

They fly in flocks across the sky,

And darkness descends like heavy smoke,

It engulfs all that falls in its path.

I strain my eyes to see ahead,

In the twilight of my life.

Amongst these ghastly faces, I must find you,

I must hear you over this din.

I know not what is ahead of me, my love,

But I give you my word, I will fight

Till the last ray fades,

If only to unite our battered souls,

In the twilight of my life.

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:15:00 +0000

The parking line at the station seemed to stretch endlessly. There he sat fidgeting impatiently and checking his watch. She was coming home today with the babies. The smoke, dust and sweat blurred his thoughts of them. Yet he couldn’t stop thinking.

He could almost feel her hair against his cheek when he would hug her, the soft skin of the babies, he could imagine her smile. He felt somehow that when she would return, everything would magically be alright.

The loud car horn burst through his thoughts. He felt irritation creeping in, then a longing for her. He wished that he could at least call her once but the transmission lines were too weak. He tried not to think about it, it caused a lot of worry.

After locking the car and checking the doors, he tried to orient himself in order to locate the platform.

His heart leaped when the phone rang. He scrambled in his pocket and hurriedly put it to his ears.

“Hi sweetie!”

The voice flooded him with relief, the station seemed to melt away before that voice, “Hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine, I’m almost there. Are you there yet?”

“Yes”, he replied, making his way through entwining lines of people.

A laugh came through the phone, making him weak with emotion; almost pulling him, hypnotized, to her.

“Did you have your food? How are the babies?”

“Yes, yes to all your questions, I’m a good girl. And yes, the babies are bouncing uncontrollably, can’t wait to see you. I’ve never heard so much of ‘daddy, daddy’ in my life!”

He was straining his ears to hear her over the deafening noise of the stations. “Babies, you will see me shortly, be good and listen to Mommy. Be close to her.”

“Chotto babies, see what daddy is saying. Sweetie, I think we just entered the platform.”

“Yes, I’m nearly there.”

He moved impatiently through the crowded platform, excitement flooding him. How will she manage with all the bags and the babies? He felt worried, “Take care while getting down, and take care of the babies”.

“I will. Listen, I’m leaving the phone now, just wait for a moment.”

He waited, heart throbbing uncontrollably. His look pierced the crowd. Hoards of people passed by, pushing from all sides.

A small face appeared at the carriage door, a small boy holding a fistful of cloth, the cloth of her dress. He tried to make his way to the carriage but the crowd prevented him.

She appeared next, a bag slung across her shoulder; two little girls beside her, holding on to her dress, looking lost and scared and a small baby wrapped in a pink cloth lay asleep in her arms.

His heart leapt as he was moving with increased urgency towards them, joy filling every inch of his body.

Finally he reached the carriage door, they spotted him. The little boy stretched out his small hands towards him and he lifted him and put him down on the ground. The two girls stretched out their hands towards him. He lifted the younger one and put her down. She scrambled towards him and threw her tiny arms around his legs.

When she came down and smiled at him, the whole place disappeared in a flash of light. She took his arm and guided him forward.

Please

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:09:00 +0000

Sweet Nandini, come to me. I’m so tired of waiting, I can’t take it anymore. Come to me and free me from these earthly bounds. My heart yearns for you, my souls cries for you. Don’t play games anymore, my child, nighttime approaches, come to me.

Fill my arms with your precious little body. I crave to hold you. My arms feel empty without you, come and play in my arms. Fill my senses with your demanding cry, I will hold you close, I will keep you safe, nighttime approaches, come to me.

My pain is too much for your little head to grasp. I don’t want my pain to touch you, my love. Just know that the pain will end when you come and I will be free. But before I go, I want to hold you and look at you, my angel. I want to kiss those rosy cheeks and hear your sweet cry. The day draws to end, nighttime approaches, come to me.

Sweet child, when you come, I will be happy after a long time. You don’t know how much I suffer. I know it will all fall away when I look into those crystal clear eyes full of purity and innocence. I know that you know nothing of pain, of suffering or struggle. Yet you know all about love.

I love you my sweetheart. The only reason my heart beats is because I know that one day you will come to me. It’s getting dark, come into my arms. I will keep you warm and safe.

Dear Nandini, you know my plight. I know you are watching and laughing, your laughter as smooth as the peal of little bells.

Nighttime approaches, I beseech you, come to me.

Pain

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 18:21:00 +0000

Night came slowly, so did the pain. First came denial, but the fight was lost and the pain overtook the mind and paralyzed the body.

The pain began as a small seed, deep in the middle of the chest and spread like branches, immobilizing everything it touched.

First it spread all over the chest, constricted the breathing, I gasped for breath. Then it spread downward to the stomach, it pressed down hard, causing a deep ache. It spread to the throat, it burned deeply.

It was like a large stone bore down on me, pressing down on my lungs, my stomach. I was unable to bear the weight of this gigantic stone.

I writhed and stretched in pain, it only got worse.

‘I can’t take it, it’s hurting too much, I want to die.’

‘It hurts too much, I can’t breathe.’

The pain overtook the limbs and I lay still, speechless and eyes out of focus. Inside my head I was screaming and thrashing. I was begging for death, pleading for mercy.

The night seemed to stretch endlessly and the pain…the pain was unbelievable, excruciating. I lay motionless, suffering, unable to even close my eyes, tears wetting my face; as pain tore deeper and deeper into my body.

A loving hand gently caressed my hair; slowly the hand came down to my face and wiped away the tears. For the first time, my eyes closed and the tension on my face released. I let out a heavy breath.

The hand gently took my hands and I slowly managed to turn my head and I saw the most beautiful face. The face flooded my body with strange relief. I could breathe again, with difficulty but I could.

Tears flooded my eyes as I silently complained about my pain. The eyes on that face, the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, the eyes that make me weak in the knees, the eyes that brought gushes of emotions through me…they seemed to understand my plight.

I looked helplessly into those eyes. Those caressing hands gathered my torn body and cradled it to a strong chest; soft, smooth and warm.

The pain dulled, became bearable, very much bearable. The touch of that chest was tranquilizing. When I closed my eyes, my head blanked out and I felt weary and tired. I sank into a state of painless oblivion; a trance; a state of emptiness.

I sank deep…deep into a warm, comfortable, subconscious.

Escape

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 15:34:00 +0000

They were everywhere. Fear had taken over me. Sweat poured in channels all over me. The sound of their words, thoughts were overwhelming. I couldn’t take it anymore. I shut my eyes and ears and ran, just ran, as fast as I could, as far as I could.

When I was sure that no sound remained, I stopped. Relief swept over my body, I gasped for breath and slowly opened my eyes. Horror struck me, there they were. Silent as death, faces blurred, watching me with cold, blank eyes. I felt my breath leave my body. I mustered up enough strength again and ran.

Up ahead I saw an enclosure. I scrambled into it and finally breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn’t see all those apparitions smiling a triumphant smile.

Alone…I was alone. Finally, that’s what I had wanted…right?

Now I walk too fast sometimes,

Sometimes I laugh too loudly,

I turn up the music volume to a deafening level…just to shut myself out.

I want to hurt myself

The burning feeling of pain, I want it…just to distract myself.

I want to wake up suddenly, in a new place…just to feel fear.

I struggle every moment, all the time,

Closed spaces scare me, so do wide open spaces,

Now there is no escape, I know it…after all how can I escape from myself?

Chotto Bou

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 10:39:00 +0000

The old house-maids melodramatic wailing could be heard all the way from the road. "Haye haye, meyetake keno nie nilli thakur?", she cried, God, why did you take this girl's life?

The old car screeched to a halt in a cloud of exhaust fumes, just in front of the house. Nirmal Babu descended, ashen faced, from the car. He gathered up his dhoti and walked steadily into the house. He had heard the news this morning; it had shocked him to his very core.

The servants of the house led him to the kitchen. He froze, just in front of the door.

Their she lay; Chotto Bou, in her best sari, adorned in her best jewelery, only dead. The old maid wailing away...Nirmal took a few paces forward and fell to his knees.

It had been precisely two months and twenty two days since their marriage.

He recalled the moment she looked up at him, she loved him too much. It was the happiest day for them. That was the day he had stroked her face and called her Chotto Bou. She had melted with joy.

Nirmal too fell in love with Chotto Bou but he always felt, she loved him too much.

He noticed, she had funny ways. She loved to play with dolls, so he bought her some baby dolls that she played with all the time. She named them, sang to them, put them to sleep, woke them up every morning. Nirmal had to play along and pretend they were their own children.

He was taken by her innocence. She would stare at his face, her eyes full of admirations. It made him feel special. She would look forward to his company and would grow sad when he had to leave for work. He would distract her with her dolls and promise her to return soon. They spent many a happy hours.

Then a peculiar change came upon her. She grew depressed and needy. She wanted his company all the time. She would refuse to let him go. Sometimes she would grow violent when he had to leave. Tears filled her days with sorrow, melancholy hovered around her.

"You have changed", commented Nirmal, trying to mask his irritation.

She would listen in silence and nothing would change.

One morning, she wouldn't let go of him. He pushed her away and said, "I cannot give you so much time. I'm trying to accommodate you far as possible, nothing is enough for you. Please don't stretch me any further, I have other things to do."

She listened quietly, her face clearly showing that she was hurt and, she let go.

That evening Nirmal was working in the room downstairs and she came and stood by the door. Nirmal looked up, irritated and asked her what she wanted.

"Amar kosto hochhe", she said, "I'm in pain".

"Where is it paining?"

"Inside".

"I can't do anything to help you, you are not letting me work."

He began to ignore her, he stopped coming home. One night she called at the office. "Please come home, I'm missing you, I'm feeling really sad".

Nirmal replied, "I can't come now, I'll try in the morning."

"Please, I beg you just for a minute, come home. I want to see you."

"Its not possible now, please let me go."

"Listen to me just once."

"Tell me quickly."

"Please just come home, I wont be sad anymore."

"I'm telling you its not possible."

Her voice broke into a sob."I'm requesting you, please."

"Even I'm requesting you. If you don't keep my request, why should I keep yours?"

"Listen, listen..."

Nirmal had disconnected the phone.

That night Nirmal's Chotto Bou dressed in her best sari, wore her finest jewelery and imagined that she was on Nirmals lap. He was stroking her and calling her Chotto Bou. Tears were rolling down her eyes and he was sweetly wiping them away. She closed her eyes and felt at peace. She felt unexplainably happy, these were tears of joy she thought.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Nirmal by the door, calling to her, "Chotto Bou, esho..,come." She followed blindly. She was lead into the kitchen. She smiled at him through her tears as he handed her a knife and smiled back.

In the morning the servants found her in a pool of blood. They called Nirmal at the office.

"Abar? Again you called?"

"Babu...", he heard the news.

He froze.

He knelt beside her, trembling at the sight of the peace on her tortured face.

I See

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:48:00 +0000

What do I see?

I see people, lots and lots of people walking down the road.

Sometimes I wonder,

If I could hear what all of them were thinking,

What a din it would be.

So confusing, so random.

I see little children,

In their own world,

Unaware of evil,

What if I were like them?

Would it change the person I am?

I see pretty things in pretty shops,

They will soon be replaced by other pretty things,

Why? Do the former cease to be pretty?

I see and I wonder,

What if this were all a dream?

What if I wake up one day,

And realize, everything is different?

I see and I wonder,

I am so big to an ant,

And so small to the universe.

I am too small to even consider.

What am I?

What is this I see?

Who is playing this game?

Am I the player or am I a game piece?

Something tells me,

The player is Time.

Dreaded Time!

If God is so good,

Why has he captured us in this web of Time?

Why are we forced to surrender to Time?

I wonder, did the devil create Time?

Is God fighting against it too?

Is He caught in this web too?

I am alone?

Aren't I?

Aren't I...?

We can't conquer Time,

Can we?

Play

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 15:30:00 +0000

Nandini, come to me. Why are staying away? My heart cries for you. I yearn for you in my arms. ..

Yashoda just couldn't run anymore. After all, she had noticed a few grey hairs the other day. Krishna's games were taking a toll on her.

"Krishna, please come out wherever you are. I'm exhausted", she cried in exasperation.

There was no sound, no stir in the leaves, no sound of little bells, no peals of laughter. Yashoda slumped down under a tree to catch her breath. Her chest heaved as she closed her eyes and rested her head on the trunk of the huge banyan tree.

That morning Yashoda had come home from the Yamuna Ghats and seen little Krishna playing in the dirt. He had smiled up at her mischievously and held out a filthy, tiny hand for her to hold.
   Yashoda had picked up the little boy and dragged off his reluctant little frame to the bath. Little Krishna kicked and writhed as the determined Yashoda scrubbed the dirt off his body. At last when Krishna looked up innocently at her from within the wraps of a towel, her heart melted.
   Krishna's smile was magic! He kept Yashoda under his spell till he was fully dressed and covered in ornaments. It was time for the final touch, a line of dark kajal to border his eyes. It was then that he fled, disappearing outside the door in a peal of laughter a tinkle of bells.
   Yashoda's spell broke that instant and...she sighed. Looking up at the sun overhead, it was noon. Where would she look now? She had asked the ladies in the neighborhood. They had only laughed at her plight.She had even gone to the fields to ask the cowherds. All she received was a splitting headache from the hot sun.
   She dragged herself off the ground and wearily looked around. Wait till he returns, she thought, I will punish him; no kheer for days. Slowly the thought crept into her head, the poor little boy hadn't eaten since morning. He must be hungry. Suddenly she felt a deep yearning for him, she wanted to see him, she wanted to hold him, seat him on her lap and feed him his favorite kheer.
   Fear filled her heart, was he alright? Had he lost his way? Had he fallen into a ditch or...Yashoda shuddered...swept away by the current of the river. Oh Krishna!, she thought, where are you?
   Defeated, she dragged her feet back to the banyan tree. She rested her back against the tree and closed her eyes.
   The still air stirred for a moment, a light and sweet sound of bells rang, barely audible. Yashoda's eyes flew open. Had she imagined it? No, there it was again, this time louder.
   Filled with renewed energy, she ran, her heart beating out of her chest. "Krishna, Krishna".
   As she swung around the trunk of the great old banyan tree relief swept over her, thank you dear God! There lay baby Krishna asleep, kicking restlessly, the bells on his feet emitting a sound that could charm the Gods.
   Yashoda stood mesmerized for a moment before picking him up in her arms. His restlessness was gone and he snuggled close to her, grabbing a fistful of her sari. She walked quietly back home, Krishna sleeping in heavenly peace in her arms.

   Nandini, give me a sign...where are you?

In Your Arms

noreply@blogger.com (iwannabefree) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:26:00 +0000

In your arms it’s my paradise,

In your arms I will close my eyes.

Your arms…the majestic place, the ocean of truth. When I’m in your arms, I lose myself. All my long days of suffering fall away into the deep waters. There is pure calm, ultimate peace.
Then I breathe; I inhale your scent, sweet and masculine. It is like a strange drug which fills my senses. My emotions well up to the surface. Your gentle hands wipe them away.
Your smooth velvet chest, your strong grasp, your gentle strokes; they make this pain bearable; they make this suffering worth it.