So if you visit Starbucks a lot, or a grocery store, or even my favorite little restaurant in American Fork, you get these cute little stampy cards or swipey cards and if you keep coming back and giving them money, they keep stampin’ until you get FREE STUFF!

I have been a loyal, great, repeat customer to Perinatology and Labor & Delivery at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, and I haven’t even gotten my free sippy cup yet.   I think if I had a stampy card they would have remembered to give it to me by now.

Frequent Visitor Card

Another idea I have that I think would be really great is for the people who have the experience of a repeat 24 hour urinalysis.  While the red bio-hazard bag is definitely foreboding, it lacks a certain…je ne sais quoi…I mean, it is not very dignified to carry around a jug of your own bio-hazard material…and if you got this bag to put your jug in instead, it wouldn’t be so bad to do it a second time…

Get it? "Urine" Instead of "You're In" Bahahaha!

Mwahahahahaha…I’m so funny.

And if that’s not feasible, I still like the idea.  And as I’ve been thinking about my recent trips (and they have been many) and visits to the 5th floor, I have realized that while there isn’t a cute stampy card, I am getting frequent rewards.

The reward is with the people I meet.  People I never would have met if I hadn’t been in these particular situations.  People who I get to chat with and make connections with, even if only for a few minutes.  Some I see once, others I see often.  And, you know, I think they get the whole idea of a frequent visitor reward program.

Because, you know–they are my friends.

I met some sweet ladies today who were waiting to see their daughter/daughter-in-law/sister who had just had a baby.  It was so fun just to get to know them on such a happy day.

I hugged a lady in the elevator whose baby was in NICU.  Lots of times. Lots of different women.

I realize over and over again that while what I am doing is difficult for me, it’s not I-can’t-breathe-or-take-another-step difficult, and it’s not completely overwhelming.  That’s quite a reward.

Better than a sippy cup.

And, the staff.  I love them.  They all have stories behind their smiles, and I have come to love them.  really love them.

You know, C wants to eat better but life is really crazy right now. The other nurse working with her the other day shared a quote with her:

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

It was the same day I had the distinct impression to bring her a bag of Lindt truffles.  And, you know, I pray for her, because she is having the kind of year where everything just keeps happening, one thing after another.

L is from Hawaii and loves shopping–we joked about how if I could just be shopping, my blood pressure would be so much lower. She was a lot of fun.

K is one of my favorite people! She is going through some hard times, but ALWAYS has a smile on her face, even with difficult patients. She looks out for me and brings my husband Sprite. I love her.

My Nurses

My nurses at the office, D and D, they are so sassy. They have more fun than they should, but I am so happy they do, because sometimes I am not having any fun, and they make me want to, and then I will smile and laugh with them, even if it hurts.

L is quiet, but has a great sense of humor and I think secretly has the ability to keep other people in line. You know, in that genuinely sweet way that I can never pull off (because I am not genuinely sweet).

C never gets to go to lunch, because she is too dedicated, but in a good way.

L is a young mom who is so sincere and caring that it almost makes me cry, considering I know she has some really, really tough things she’s come through. T is a gentle, grandmotherly woman who has these cool apple trees in her yard that grow along the trunk…Unfortunately, they will make better baking apples than pick-off-the-tree-and-eating apples, which she finds disappointing  (as do I!). She has always been so very kind to me, and once she even cheered me on when my induction was scheduled at the perfect time.

I love my doctors. One is young, just starting out–his wife just had their seventh baby. He’s kind in spite of the fact that I know it must be a stressful time of life for him. They also homeschool…He recommended Math U See to me for my daughter with Asperger’s. It was a good recommendation.

Dr. W, Receiving His Award

My older doctor, Dr. W, has been practicing medicine for several decades. After all of this time, one of his favorite things to say to his patients is:

Well, I don’t have a crystal ball…if I did I would know when the baby was coming/how much longer you need to do this/when you could go home from the hospital/etcetera…..

So, after two years of him serving me in the most compassionate, loving ways, I decided to give him an award. We presented it to him on Wednesday. Yes, I got him his very own authentic crystal ball. It was a lovely ceremony, full of all my friends that are nurses and Dr. W. looking surprised, nervous, and (I hope) pleased with his gift.

Dr. W., With His Crystal Ball (and me and my husband)

Gifts are good.

Frequent visiting is good.

Even if it’s because of something hard.

I realized, thinking about it today, that God has it all planned out to give us little rewards when we do repeat good things.  He gives us a chance to reach our fellow brothers and sisters that we would never have otherwise met, and we get to learn from each other–sometimes in our extremities.  We have the blessing to inspire or bring someone down, to bring a smile or contribute to someone’s unhappiness.  And when we choose to do what Our Father would do, the rewards are simply breathtaking.

The first is love.

And love makes everything and everyone more lovely…

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Yes, the gift he gives us is blindness–blindness to faults in a realization that we are humbled to find we have so many of our own (especially when we are faced with challenges like repeated hospital stays and hard tests), blindness to ignore the flicker of annoyance on someone’s face and instead see their beautiful eyes, blindness to the irritation shown in a tapping foot, and instead knowing just what to say to get them to smile…

That is the reward for being a frequent, active, acting participant in this mortality, the ability and knowledge of how to truly love.

The second gift is intertwined with it, and is what I have found as a frequent visitor to the hospital:

Joy.

As Mother Teresa once observed:

A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love.

You Might Like...

I am participating in Chocolate On My Cranium’s Wordfull Wednesday Blog Hop!

I have a great pair of good old REI hiking boots.  We all went to get them as a family the day I decided to forsake suburbia and find nature wherever we were.

Old REI Boots

We were in Houston, Texas.

In spite of copperhead snakes, seeing the occasional deer carcass being devoured by alligators, and a boa constrictor slithering into a swampy bog, we attempted to embrace life in the mosquito infested thickets of scrubby swamp trees.

Real Life Alligator

We were actually able to swing from some vines, so that was neat.  We learned a lot about mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are a product of the fall.  Our white collie was literally black the second she got out of the car due to those pesky, impertinent insects.  Then she would start whining, loudly.  Then we would go home without even hiking, because we didn’t want to end up looking like that, either.

We also appreciated the protection of the hiking boots when we fell into amazing adventures with piles of fire ants the size of…well…Texas.

Texas Fire Ant: Shown Here Actual Size

All in all, however we did find some pretty beautiful moments to savor.  And, I loved those boots for it.  They taught me to find beauty in what most people would consider ugliness.  I did.

Texas Piney Woods

And then, when we decided to move to Tetonia, I was wearing those boots.  When we first stepped into the last place Joy would take breath on earth, those boots were on my feet.

Tetonia Home

When we hiked by the Tetons and visited Badger Creek, it was those boots that carried me  there.  When we danced in the setting sun, we danced in those clunky boots.  All of us.

Did I mention the entire family had matching boots?  Another reason I am fond of them.

But, those are not my favorite pair of shoes.

No, my favorites are some flimsy, slip on sparkly American Eagle flats, because they took me down roads I’d never been, and hopefully, for the both of us, that we will never again have to tread.

Sparkly Shoes

I didn’t have the right shoes to wear to a graveside service, and I didn’t want to wear sadness.  So, I had chosen to wear Joy’s most favorite dress of mine–a yellow dress with silk flowers sown under an overlay on the top, so the kids could see them and nearly touch them, but not quite.  Every two year old loves that dress, as they try to get to the flowers, and Joy was no exception.

But, my shoes.  I couldn’t wear hiking boots, and I couldn’t do high heels–we were going to be in the grass.  So, I realized I would have to go to a store.

I went to a store. It was surreal.

It was strange to be walking around while people were having fun shopping and I could hardly breathe, thinking that I was without her.  I felt like I was suffocating.

I tried to keep the tears from coming, but they would not stop.  I felt so awkward and I just stared at the rows of shoes, seeing nothing.

And then, that little sparkle caught my eye, and I looked at them.  I picked them, really kind of ambivalent, because I didn’t care.  I just wanted to get out, get out and back home (somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking if I went home she would be there).

So, I got the shoes.  I put them on when I got home, and I felt…better.  Because I felt like Joy picked them out for me.  And I knew these shoes would take me where I’d never been.

When I had to stand and read at the Memorial Service, as I was getting up, the light reflected from them and I felt like those shoes were winking and smiling at me–giving me a kind of cheerful comfort and courage.

When I had to watch the dirt go on top of her little pink casket, the sequins fluttered in a small breeze, almost letting me know that they trembled with me.

When I had to visit her grave for the first time, they were there, easy to slide off so I could meet her the way we always used to–with bare feet.

When I had to go to church for the first time, they were there–a bright bunch of colors reflecting all the light from the outside and trying to put it in me, when I felt I had none.

When we finally had to once again let my children go places and do things without me right there, I waved goodbye to my children in those shoes, hoping nothing would happen.

When I said goodbye to the room in which Joy died, those shoes were beside me, sitting in kind of a reverent, subdued quietude; hushed.

I have worn them through these many years of grief, always reassured by those little sparkles.  If I weren’t so sad, sometimes I think that with those sparkles, I can hear her laughing…

The sequins are getting worn.  I hate that.  I hate when there are obvious signs of the time that has past since she has been gone from us.  I hate that I can’t say “She was just here. Don’t you remember?”  I hate that her smell is only a memory, her little baubles and trinkets long since picked up and put away in her special box.  I wish it didn’t have to be like that, but I think there is a reason.

It’s as if the shoes are telling me that they must soon retire.  That the places we’ve been–so many “firsts” after Joy’s death, so many were so heartwrenching, that it has made the shoes old past their time.  But, that the spirits of their sparkly, sequins–colorful and youthful–were somehow imparted to me, so that I could go on…and go on bravely and with part of my Joy in me.

So, now…what will my favorite shoes be? My hiking boots taught me to find beauty in perceived ugliness.  And, oh, I did!  Only then, could my spirit be ready to truly understand more beauty.

My sparkly shoes have taught me a great deal about life and how to find beauty–even deep beauty–in death and grief and feeling like you can’t breathe and you can’t take another step.  Oh, there is beauty in that, which makes all the world seem even far more meaningful and beautiful.

And, now, I can see in what will always be my most favorite pair of shoes of all; the ones I was born with–my bare soles–that heaven is all around me.

Bare Soles

Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God;

But only he who sees, takes off his shoes.

Thanks, again, Cocoa, for the inspiration and for letting us hop with you!

You Might Like...

I just got finished redesigning a really fun blog from a mom from the UK.  I feel so…international. 

It’s called Shelves In My Mind.

The most fun I had was the header, which resembles an old school library catalogue card (talk about VINTAGE–I lived it.  I am that old).

I also had a lot of fun with the having a fun, busy background for a change.  I absolutely fell in love with this wallpaper; artist Colin Thompson did an incredible job of capturing eclectic and whimsical and bookloving…

Colin Thompson Has This As A iPhone/Pad/Tablet/Android Cover As Well

Another fun thing was the custom “I Am A Mormon” button I did for her.  She has really loved quilting in the past, so I incorporated that into the button:

Okay, so I decided that since I did that really quick, why not update J&M Ranch?  So I did.  Virtual decorating is so fun and inexpensive!  I also found out today that I get to help prettify one of my favorite online bloggers’ blogs–and I am really excited about that.  I may have time to do a few more and then I will be having a baby. Which will be better than virtual redecorating and a lot more pricey.

I made a button for myself for the first time in ages.  If you like to have those kinds of things on your blog, feel free to “grab it,” as the real bloggers say in the real blogging world (I don’t think I classify as a real blogger yet…but now I have a button. I feel special, anyway).

<div align=”center”><a href=”http://www.jandmranch.com” title=”J and M Ranch” target=”_blank”><img src=”http://i1266.photobucket.com/albums/jj534/oldfashionedmother/250button.png” height=”200″ width=”200″ alt=”J and M Ranch” style=”border:none;” /></a></div>

I also added a new “About Me” page which may eventually have photos on it, but maybe not.  We’ll see if I get around to it.  Hope everyone had a good Monday!

You Might Like...

J & M Ranch is relocating back to Teton Valley–at least for a little while.

And I am so excited, but at the same time, it just doesn’t seem real. I can’t believe I get to do this, and that it only happened after I had decided for sure that the farming lifestyle is not for me.

Here Is Where We Will Reenact Sound of Music's 16 Going On 17!

So I am wondering what I will do.  Or rather, what is in store for me to learn. And why is Heavenly Father allowing such a huge blessing in my life?  I hope I can make it count and do what is best and do His will all the time while I am there.

And maybe one can have a farm lifestyle without having lots of animals…

I have come to realize that I am not really that great at keeping livestock (with the exception of chickens, waterfowl, and horses), and I really don’t like goats or cows.  I think pigs are cute, but they sound like Ringwraiths when they squeal.  For real.

Cute But Loud

I have successfully gardened on season out of the last three.  But that could be because, in a few weeks, I will have had three babies in four years.  That’s a lot of babies in a short amount of time.  And, all three have been scheduled to arrive right around the time I am supposed to be planting the garden.

Our New Backyard: There Is A Place For A Garden Here

So, maybe that’s why I haven’t been “as good” at raising my own food and stuff.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I moved to the west and realized one thing very clearly:

I am no pioneer. I am a  weenie!

But, I have been thinking, and I realize that many of those women we call pioneers today probably thought the same thing.  As they were doing all this settling of the west and trekking everywhere, I imagine there were many of them who had a really bad day (or month or year or couple of years) and just thought,

I am no pioneer.  I am an Englishwoman!

So, what does that mean for me?

I truly understand the necessity of growing my own food and I love having my own eggs (and we all love our chickens!).  There is something more to it than that, though.  I have realized that by staying in touch with the land, whether I have .25 acres or 200, I can grow our children in a way that, for me, is just too hard without nature.

View From The Living Room

Front Yard

So, I do know that I need nature to help me raise my family.

Joel Salatin is a farmer in Virginia who is also just, to me, an inspiration.  I first saw him on Fresh: The Movie, and then looked at his website.  He has written several books, and has this to say about kids and farming:

The same teen who can’t legally operate a four-wheeler, or [ATV]…in a farm lane workplace environment can operate a jacked-up F-250 pickup on a crowded urban expressway. By denying these [farm work] opportunities to bring value to their own lives and the community around them, we’ve relegated our young adults to teenage foolishness. Then as a culture we walk around shaking our heads in bewilderment at these young people with retarded maturity. Never in life do people have as much energy as in their teens, and to criminalize leveraging it is certainly one of our nation’s greatest resource blunders.

He has a lot of other stuff to say, too.  And, a lot of what he says rings true to me.  I think that one of the things I love the most about living in the country is this–I had to let my kids do things that I was afraid to let them do–I had to let them grow up and take risks.  And, guess what?  They were perfectly capable!  Another thing I like about living aware of land is summed up in this sentiment:

The ultimate goal of farming is not the growing of crops, but the cultivation and perfection of human beings.

That really goes for gardening, too, whether it is container gardening on the porch, growing herbs on the windowsill, or plowing the north 40.

The first supermarket was not introduced until 1946.  Before that, where did our food come from?  I guess part of me really wants to get back to pre-supermarket attitudes about food…but there is another part of me that just doesn’t want to spend that much time and effort on it.

By The Front Door

Yard and Farm

But, really, I’ve been observing.  At this point in our society, we spend half of our time making, devouring and learning how to make high end gourmet food and extremely decadent and rich foods, and the other half obsessing over our looks…we are spending time on so-called food and health–but just not in the way I think nature or God intended.  I don’t know.

I think living at the farmhouse will help me sort things through.  My first home in the valley was really more like a vacation home (because, really, who was I kidding?  I was such a city girl and I knew it).  This is more like real life…it’s beautiful, but it’s more “out there.”  I find myself wondering if Heavenly Father really believes in me enough to let me have a hand at it again…and more in depth…

Upstairs

It’s an amazingly beautiful thing to be able to do.  I don’t know if I am ready for the blessings (or the work!). I hope I am.

Dining Room

Kitchen

I hope that I can work toward being ever grateful for everything that has come and gone in my life.

I guess this house doesn’t define our family any more or less than any other home we have lived in–but the homes in which we live rub off on us and become part of who we are.

I hope the farmhouse may put a little more pioneer in us, a little more farmgirl in me…whether we end up in a suburb or a mountain valley later on–I hope we will be able to let it rub off enough on us to take it with us wherever we go.

Maybe that’s why we get to have this in our lives for right now. Maybe He wants us to get it in our system, so that no matter where we end up, the beauty of nature, and particularly this valley, will always be with us.

If that’s the case, I know I don’t deserve it, but I am thankful just the same.

You Might Like...

I am participating in Women in the Scriptures Five Things For Friday Blog Hop!

Due to bedrest, I am in an odd mood…or rather, several moods, because I am all over  the map with my emotions since I have been in bed.  I have had lots of time to think, but I haven’t been doing much of that. I really wanted to do some heavy reading and researching, but I can’t even get up the focus to watch Sense and Sensibility. Prepare yourself for a rocky ride on this Friday’s “Five Things”!

-1-

I am so lucky to have friends who will give me license to run roughshod all over their blogs.  I must thank Mama Rachel profusely for allowing me to play with her personal blog, Thoughts From The Hearth.  I emailed her and said,

Dear Rachel,

I am going crazy.  Like Colonel Brandon said to Elinor, “Give me an occupation, Ms. Dashwood, or else I will go mad.”

She was charitable enough to give me license to redecorate–even though I am an irrational pregnant woman. If that isn’t true friendship, what is, I ask you?  Here is a screenshot of the finished product (click the picture to visit the site):

Thoughts From The Hearth

-2-

I made a cute “I’m A Mormon” badge for Thoughts from the Hearth if anyone would like to use it (just right click and save to your computer):

For anyone interested, I found a really great code to get your latest Pinterest pins to show up on your Blogger sidebar.  It’s all at the website called Code It Pretty with instructions and everything!  You can see it in action at Thoughts from the Hearth on the left sidebar.  I thought it was really, really great–and I have been looking for some time for a nice looking Pinterest gadget for Blogger blogs.  Hooray for me that I found one!  If you want to put it on your Blogger hosted blog, it’s pretty easy.  But, if you get stuck, email me and I’ll help you.

Code It Pretty Has A Great Pinterest Widget for Blogger

-3-

I finally had an epiphany this month about towels and bed linens.

About 10 years ago, I was under the delusion that I enjoyed “decorating” my bathrooms and bedrooms.  10 years and a lot of children later, I have finally been able to realize that 1) I don’t like decorating, and 2) children grow up.

Will Not Work For College Age Children

The number two thing is important for women to remember when they are on Pinterest being inspired to give their girls a princess bedroom, or make their boys room into a pirate ship…I think there should be a warning somewhere:

THESE CHILDREN WILL GROW UP.  THEY WILL NOT WANT A PIRATE SHIP BUNKBED WHEN THEY ARE 15. (Okay, maybe the one pictured would be desirable, but for the most part, NO. It won’t work.)

You Are Never Going To Be Able To Redecorate This Room Again...Ever. Even If Pirates Are No Longer Trending

Before, I thought I needed to “decorate” so my children would feel a sense of individuality and uniqueness in their “living space.” (I watched way too many episodes of “Trading Spaces”).

In all reality, most of the time, the room that is decorated is something that the mother fancies her children would like, and children change their minds faster than I can.  And, let me tell you, when you have spent over a thousand dollars and as many hours on a bedroom, you are not going to want to change it two weeks later when the newness wears off.

And what happens, I ask you, when you have more children, or when personalities change and you have to switch rooms around?  It’s a disaster waiting to happen!

And don’t even get me started on decorating bathrooms.  When the towels and handtowels and trashcan all match. Ugh.  It’s such a huge commitment to try to keep the matching towels from being used–because we don’t want them to get ruined…

So, my solution is: everything will be the same.  Preferably white, so it can all be bleached and go in the wash together.

I also found out that you can buy white towels and linens in bulk from places like TowelsOutlet and TowelHub.  I am so doing this after I have the baby and we move to the farmhouse.

-4-

I bought live ladybugs today to kill harmful rosebush killing insects.  Did I buy 1500 or 9000?  Who knows?  I should not be shopping online.  I have no idea what I am doing.  Last time I went shopping online this pregnant, I ended up buying a case of cotton candy.  I know.  Who does that?   I had the baby and we had 20 buckets of cotton candy that the kids were scarfing down like crazy.  It was insane.

I Know For Sure I Bought Either 1500 or 6000 Live Ladybugs Today

-5-

My children gave me “Joy Flowers” today.  Joy’s only short-lived summer in the mountain valleys of the Tetons was full of wildflowers.  Every single day I got handfuls of wildflowers from the children when the traipsed across the 10 acres looking for the “perfect” blooms for their mom.  Joy would alwaybe bring in some beautiful wildflowers mixed with giant, huge dandelions.  So, now, when the wildflowers bloom here in the desert mountains, we call all of them “Joy Flowers.”

Joy Flowers

They were my first Joy Flowers of the season, and the children put them in a bud vase someone gave to us after Joy went back Home.  It was so very lovely and perfect in its imperfection.  I felt her right next to me.

Of course, I cried and the kids said, “Don’t cry, mom,” and then we smiled through the tears and talked about how much we love her.

Well, there you have it–a very odd mixture of things for Friday. Have a wonderful weekend! And, as always, Heather, thanks for the blog hop–glad to hear that you were able to successfully pack!  I can’t wait to find out what happens next in your family’s adventure!

You Might Like...

It is no secret that I am an ardent admirer of The Piano Guys.  They recently posted their new video, “A Thousand Years.”  I watched it and kept thinking, “I’ll bet there are words to this song, and if I knew what they were, I would probably cry.”

So, being completely detached from pop culture, I had no idea that this song was featured on some Twilight thing.  I researched and found out the young lady who helped to write the song was inspired because of her love for a dreamy, sparkly vampire guy.  Which is nice, but, wow–when I read the lyrics my interpretation was completely different.

I suppose breathless teen romance would be an acceptable meaning for this song, but The Piano Guys interpretation felt so much more real and substantial and significant…(of course, I know there are plenty of people who could argue with me that nothing could be more significant than the marriage of a teenage girl and a two or three hundred year old undead man…but I digress).

So, what did I think about this song, you are surely asking yourself and waiting in great anticipation for my finding deeper meaning in a popular culture thing.  At the risk of feeling somewhat silly (like the people who quote Yoda as a bona fide philosopher), I will share.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer…

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Our Foster Daughter and now AMAZING Woman and Opera Singer

My first thought was of my feelings as an adoptive/foster mother, and of all the adoptive/foster mothers I know.  It is terrifying to open your heart to a child, not knowing if they will be ripped away from you after you’ve entwined your heart in theirs, not knowing if the suffering they’ve experienced will keep them from being able to love you the way you love them…not being able to know really if anything is sure.  Having to put your trust in God that He will somehow be able to work through bureaucrats and sometimes pure evil is really, really hard.

I remember when we housed an abused mother and her newborn child.  She had already given up her other two children for adoption, and we wondered if she would give this one up, too.  I knew that we weren’t the family for this baby, and she ended up keeping him and going back to her sexually and physically abusive husband with the baby.  In the short time he was with us, I found myself holding him and trying not to give my heart to him.  But, it was impossible.  I remember just trying to love him as much as I could, and to teach the mother how to love her baby.

I saw that it was a losing battle, and I foresaw what his life would be–a life of abuse and sadness.  How could I possibly do this?

And, then, I saw him there alone, and suddenly, like the lyrics, I found my courage to open my heart and let go of doubt and pour love into him.  And you know what I learned?

God spoke to me and told me that in eternity, those moments of love would matter to that baby.  Somehow, even after a lifetime of abuse and neglect, in eternity, that little boy would know that a mother with a mother heart loved him with her whole soul–if only for a few brief moments.  And it counted.  And it still counts.

My Beautiful Friend and Her Beautiful Family

One of the most beautiful, graceful, amazing women I know has adopted two little babies.  The second adoption was very risky–there was a chance that the birth father, who had many, many problems of his own, would not agree to the adoption.  She went home and waited for months.  And she prayed.  Not to get what she wanted, but that God’s will would be made manifest–she prayed for the birth father, for the baby, and for their family.  She loved her baby with her soul, regardless of what would happen.

Every day an adoptive/foster mother loves her child, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, something dies inside.  Not in a bad way, though.  I think our own pride, selfishness, and self-will die and we are left with nothing but submission to the will of kind heaven.

And I believe in a pre-mortal existence.  I believe that the people we meet here in this life we have known before–perhaps even loved for a thousand years, or more.

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Born Into the World...And I Am Born Again...

I thought of giving birth to all of my children…time does seem to stand still, and in every labor, the mother gets to that point where heaven and earth collide and she says:

I can’t do this.

And that’s when God Himself comes down from heaven and breathes the breath of life into a human soul…and everything culminates in that beautiful being.

Having had a lot of experience in those last weeks leading up to those moments, I can testify that I truly have died everyday waiting for my children.  Every day at the end, when you think, “Maybe it’s today that she will come…” and then at night, when the day is over and you realize, “Not today,” and you cry and you let go of everything and you finally submit to His timing and His will and His purposes.  And you realize that before you have the baby the old you has to die and the you that needs to be the mother to this child must be born a little more every day until that final moment when both mother and child are born…

And, I believe intensely that I have loved all my children for timeless ages before we lived on this earth.  I believe in that premortal heaven, we had beautiful relationships and made promises to help each other on this journey.

Whether adopted, fostered, in my life for a few days, a moment, a few weeks, or borne through my body, I have always known that one of the greatest purposes of my life would be to find my children–and we find them through faith, love, and becoming one with God.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And finally, I thought of my daughter who has gone on ahead of me and taken that short walk back to the God who gave her life in the first place.  I thought of finally seeing her again, after all of this is over, and how I truly die every day waiting for her.  I try to have all the temper tantrums, complaining, complacency, and sin die every day.  While much of my heart is still on this side of the veil, truly, a small part of my heart dies a little every day that I am physically without her. I can’t help that.

My Joy With My Beautiful Friend

But, all along, I know I will find her again, and that we are bound together in love.  Science says our mortal bodies are made up of the elements of the universe, and I believe that our spiritual selves are made of far older material, and that the union of those two sealed with love binds us in ways that cannot be broken by death, time, or any other means with the exception of sin.

So, the song, in the end, made me think of love–especially mother love.  When I watched Stephen Nelson playing the cello in that video, I thought he was thinking of real, deep love…deeper even than can be felt between a vampire and a teenager.

And I thought of all the women in my life who truly love with a mother heart, who have inspired me.  And I thought of women who I don’t know personally, but whose stories of mother love have had a profound impact on my life.

One Of The Most Inspiring Groups of Women I Know...Mother and All Her Daughters

So, here is a video set to “A Thousand Years” of my own loves–my little ones–and some of the women and children who have inspired me…

You Might Like...

Ready for summer? We pulled out  some frozen raspberries and decided to make some lovely raspberry lemonade. This recipe is adapted from Everyday Raw by Matthew Kenney (and it’s only “everyday” if you are single, independently wealthy, and live in New York City, but I love the book anyway).

• 1 c lemon juice
• 3 1/4 c water
• 1/2 c agave nectar or some other sweetener of choice
• 20 raspberries

Mix this all together, and add some frozen raspberries in place of ice cubes when serving.

Yummy!

But, let’s not stop at raspberry…there are hundreds of amazing ways to experience this beautiful summery drink.  Here are some other lemonades to try:

Watermelon Lemonade

I love this Watermelon Lemonade recipe from the really, really cute blog, Confections of a Foodie Bride.  Watermelon Lemonade from Smitten Kitchen is also good.

Lemonade Flavor Inspiration

From Blackberry Lemonade to Cucumber Mint Limeade, some lovely and beautiful flavors–from the blog, A Beautiful Mess

Grilled Georgia Peach Lemonade

And no self-respecting Southern girl would post about lemonade without including a recipe for Grilled Georgia Peach Lemonade…this one is from Taste for Adventure.

Strawberry Rhubarb Lemonade

 The photos at the blog Tartelette are amazing, and the recipe does not call for sugar.  It looks fantastic.

Texas Style Mango Lemonade

Not only did I find a great recipe for Mango Lemonade, I found a wonderful place for great vegetarian recipes and incredible photography at Red Chillies Vegetarian Recipe Blog

Kiwi Lemonade with Frozen Strawberries for Ice Cubes

 And, while looking for a Kiwi Lemonade recipe, I found lots of reviews of healthy things, and some great recipes at Mom’s Best Bets.

Lemon Balm Infused Lemonade

Simple Bites has a delicious recipe for Lemon Balm Infused Lemonade, as well as beautiful photos and whole foods recipes for the family.

 I couldn’t finish the post without adding a recipe for Passionfruit Lemonade.  I love passionfruit–the real thing–it reminds me of living in Australia. Urban Comfort has a great recipe, with a great source for a passionfruit pulp.  Always Order Dessert also has a good recipe.

However you plan to enjoy the summer, get a head start by sitting on the porch with a pitcher of fresh lemonade!

You Might Like...

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck

A Mother's Joys, William Bouguereau

 A mother’s arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. ~Victor Hugo

First Caresses, William-Adolphe Bouguereau

 Mother is a verb, not a noun.

Mother and Child, William-Adolphe Bouguereau

 Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray

Portrait, William-Adolphe Bouguereau

 Perhaps we are given a mom that we might take into death the memory of a lullaby. ~Robert Brault

Song of the Angels, William-Adolphe Bouguereau

 Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. ~Marion C. Garretty

Young Mother, William Bouguereau

 Mother, the ribbons of your love are woven around my heart.

Bubbles, William Bouguereau

You are the trip I did not take;

You are the pearls I cannot buy;

You are my blue Italian lake;

You are my piece of foreign sky.

The Kiss

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.” Jeffrey R. Holland, “‘Because She Is a Mother’

You Might Like...

We can learn to serve and to forgive within our sample of humanity, including settings no larger than the family or friendships. –Elder Neal A Maxwell

Let me preface this post by saying that I emphatically understand that many mothers are called to not only rear their children, but to go out into the world.  Each situation is unique and should be respected.  This post is about my own journey to understand my personal ministry.

I have seen so many, many wonderful, talented and amazing mothers in my life.  I am so lucky to have known them.  I also see that in our society, with its limitless opportunities and our real wealth, it is sometimes difficult to know when to limit our activities or keep going–all because we feel we are changing things for good and making a difference.  One woman wrote me and said:

Should I not share what I know and has brought me much joy or should I just focus on my family? I would also not mind forgetting everyone else and just focusing on my kids, but, after listening to conference, I don’t ever come away with the impression that this is okay.

Long ago, when I was Advocate for the World, I did many great things to help other people. I helped abused children, abused mothers, advocated for midwifery, and probably would have gone to Mexico or Haiti or Peru if it was in vogue in my earlier years.

Those were all good things.  But for me, a mother with small children, and a mission for always more on the way…what I neglected to realize was that Heavenly Father already had a plan for that part of my life.

His plan was really, well–perfect.

He sent me here in a family unit. Family units are His plan.

Our Family: Heavenly Father's Whole Plan Right Here!

He sent me here with people automatically in place for me to serve. They are not “my” children, you know. They are His. We are His. We are in this together, and He answered the question, “Whom shall I serve?” first by putting us in groups called families.

Yes, I realized I should serve others outside of my family, but I did need to focus on my family. Nothing else will compensate for failure there. Personally, I am not anywhere near believing that my family is all set…and think about it: if every mother with children in the church could put orphans, midwives, homeless, non-profits and conferences on hold and focus on her family for one year–what would happen? We really could change the world.

Serving In Our Own Family

While we focus on the family, however, we certainly do not ignore those who are in need. Heavenly Father planned that out for us, too! It is amazing what happens when we carefully help those who are placed in our path by God, and not wander on paths He has assigned for someone else. Elder Maxwell’s words are especially fitting here:

…if we press too much, too often, and too hard for enlarged personal roles, we could actually shrink the field of action needed by others.

I believe that I have often pressed too much in a real, truly heart filled effort to make things better for the world and do good. Elder Maxwell continues:

The Lord knows our circumstances and the intents of our hearts, and surely the talents and gifts He has given us. He is able to gauge perfectly how we have performed within what is allotted to us, including by lifting up some of the many surrounding hands that hang down. Thus, yearning for expanded opportunities while failing to use those at hand is bad form spiritually.

Oh, I have such bad form sometimes!

I have been invited to participate in many great causes and I have turned them down. Why? Because, as Barbara Thompson stated:

We need not rush about trying to find things to do or causes to take up.

Remember, most often the help needed is in our own homes, neighborhoods, and communities. A kind word of encouragement, a note of thanks, a phone call, a loving smile, a helpful deed, and a reminder that God loves us are often what is needed most.

Sister Thompson helped me to really understand that the Lord would actually help me to make changes and do wonderful things in the world in my limited neck of the woods, so to speak.  I did not need to go to Ghana or to be a guest on “Oprah” to have an amazing impact on the people around me.  I just needed to listen to those sweet promptings that say “Smile,” or “Give her a hug,” or “Call her right now.”

I realized that when I wanted to “step out and lead” to change things for the good, for me, a mother with nearly a dozen children, I needed to focus on one thing: BEING THERE FOR MY OWN STEWARDSHIP–my family.

Baby Joy With Mom

President Hinckley’s remarks are especially meaningful to me:

E. T. Sullivan once wrote these interesting words: “When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.”

And those babies, I should like to add, will become forces for good or ill, depending in large measure on how they are reared. The Lord, without equivocation, has declared, “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” .

This is how an ordinary person like me can change the world. This is how I can change the culture. But I wasn’t doing it.  I thought my family could wait while I was serving others and MAKING A DIFFERENCE…

Elder Maxwell’s reference to A Man For All Seasons was a stinging rebuke to me as I pondered why I had spent time away from teaching my children to go out and help other people’s children and other women:

Meanwhile, people regularly sell their souls for much less than the whole world. In Robert Bolt’s A Man for All Seasons, Sir Thomas More is soon to be martyred, partly because his friend Rich, having been bought off by a local office, has betrayed him. More, “looking into Rich’s face, with pain and amusement,” speaks: “For Wales? Why, Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world . . . But for Wales!” ( Let this same rebuke hold for any preoccupation which preempts us from spiritual things!)

How interesting that what in my life seem to be so many good things and opportunities–my spiritual “Wales”,  often preempt me from what I feel is my actual calling and stewardship as a culture changing mother.

I have finally come to understand that for this season in my life, and for my particular mission, I do not need to feel awful that others with different missions are traveling to Russia or China and adopting children, or that my other friends are starting a hospital in Haiti, or someone else is spearheading a foundation.  I have found that it is alright if I change the world one little person at a time without a passport or a great resumé or a long list of humanitarian efforts in which I participate.

Not Earth Shattering Or Anything...But When The Middle Child Got The Ouchy Pictured Above, I Was There To Fix It

Oh, at times I wish I could be doing those things–but instead I donate money to those causes, or I let a college girl use our swimming pool to teach swimming lessons to raise money for college so that she can one day do Amazing Things, or I do little websites in my free time–but I do struggle on wanting to enlarge my personal role in so many of the great causes surrounding me.  Sometimes I get a momentary pang of jealousy for those whose mission it is to go on such adventures, which quickly turns to love and admiration for them–they really are amazing women and they are following God’s will for them–and the spirit always reassures me that here and now and home is where He wants me planted.

Popular Saying...Because It's True.

I have found that the greatest way I can change the world is by doing those small things with great love in my own little, tiny, seemingly insignificant sphere of the universe.  But, it has been what has given me the greatest joy as a woman and a mother!  And, sometimes, early in the morning right before the sun breaks into the sky, I wonder if I am not really on one of the greatest adventures of all.

Maybe These Are Some Of The Greatest Adventures

I also highly recommend reading Bonnie D. Parkin’s excellent talk titled, “Personal Ministry”, which, I think, answers the questions we women have of “how and who should I serve” better than I ever could.

You Might Like...

Preparation For Motherhood

From the time my little girls are born, they are taught that they are mothers. We celebrate Mother’s Day with all the girls in the family–from babies to grandmothers. We believe that their identity as daughters of God is defined best by the word “mother.”

How do we prepare all of our girls (or ourselves, for that matter) for motherhood? How have I tried to understand what “mother” really means?

Sister Beck said of her own mother:

Though it was uncommon at the time, she was university educated and advancing in a career. Following her marriage, children arrived in quick succession; and in a short span of years, she was the mother of a large family. All the knowledge she had acquired, all her natural abilities and gifts, all her skills were channeled into an organization that had no earthly bounds. As a covenant-keeping daughter of God, she had prepared all her life for motherhood.

It seems that Sister Beck is explaining that as we keep covenants and develop our natural abilities and gifts, we are preparing for motherhood. In one life, it may be an advanced university degree and career.  In another, it could be a life of humanitarian work.  Still another could mean pursuing education and skills outside of the college arena.

When we do pursue our goals, whether it be moving to Uganda, fixing cars, or a university education and career, are we focused on what the “direct and immediate bidding of our Father in Heaven” is, or are we focused on our dreams, passions, and what we think are our talents?

Have we taken time to consider that while we think our dream in life might be to become a molecular biologist or a professional dancer, it may not be what Heavenly Father’s dream is for us. In our limited mortal understanding, our greatest passions may be just that–great mortal passions. A good choice. But, what about better or best?

Have we considered throughout our growing up years and consulted with the Holy Spirit on what our university education should include and/or career, if any?  After all, I would much rather bend my passions and will to God’s dream for me and then make it my own than try to convince God that my idea is best.

Have we taught our daughters that as mothers, we must trust God completely, that He is omniscient and all-loving, and knows precisely what we should study, and what would bring us the most happiness, regardless of where we assume our talents and passions lie?

Having A Mother Heart

She goes on to explain how to prepare for a “mother heart”:

A woman with a mother heart has a testimony of the restored gospel, and she teaches the principles of the gospel without equivocation. She is keeping sacred covenants made in holy temples. Her talents and skills are shared unselfishly. She gains as much education as her circumstances will allow, improving her mind and spirit with the desire to teach what she learns to the generations who follow her.If she has children, she is a “goodly parent” who lives and teaches standards of behavior exactly in line with the teachings of living prophets. She teaches her “children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord” . Rather than listening to the voices and partial truths of the world, she knows that gospel standards are based on eternal, unchangeable truths. She believes that to be “primarily responsible for the nurture of [her] children” is a vital, dignified, and “sacred responsibilit[y]” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” ). To nurture and feed them physically is as much an honor as to nurture and feed them spiritually. She is “not weary in well-doing” and delights to serve her family, because she knows that “out of small things proceedeth that which is great”.

Contrast that to the confusion, which apparently not only faces the world’s women, but is rampantly believed in our own Mormon culture. Elder M. Russell Ballard explains it well:

It is, unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines, and slink across movie screens—all while being celebrated by the world. The Apostle Paul spoke prophetically of “perilous times” that will come in the last days and specifically referenced something that may have seemed particularly perilous to him: “silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts” (2 Timothy 3:1, 6). Popular culture today often makes women look silly, inconsequential, mindless, and powerless. It objectifies them and disrespects them and then suggests that they are able to leave their mark on mankind only by seduction—easily the most pervasively dangerous message the adversary sends to women about themselves.

And so, my dear young women, with all my heart I urge you not to look to contemporary culture for your role models and mentors.

It is so hard to see that some LDS/Mormon young women and older women, whether through actual seduction, or through the seductive power that comes with education, prominent career, and money…accept those peripheral roles as defining them as women. “Mother,” God’s ultimate title to woman, just doesn’t make sense or seem to be enough.

Those who embrace God’s definition of the essence of a woman know that:

the influence of righteous, conscientious, persistent, daily mothering is far more lasting, far more powerful, far more influential than any earthly position or institution invented by man. She has the vision that, if worthy, she has the potential to be blessed as Rebekah of old to be “the mother of thousands of millions.”

This does not mean childbearing, although that is part of it.  It means mothering, which can be done by any woman, regardless of circumstance.

In all of this, it is abundantly clear that mothering is the eternal glory of woman. There isn’t something else a woman needs to feel empowered or defined. In fact, in eternity, there is nothing else that will define her outside of the parameters of motherhood.

The pinnacle of womanhood is mother.  All of our other marvelous accomplishments can be a result of us embracing our power as mothers.

Because we are “a little lower than the angels”, we are also capable of doing many good things while still not understanding our motherhood.  If  we embraced our mothering nature and allowed it to define us instead of our works and accomplishments, we would be capable of so much more and better, regardless of our individual situations.  And we would feel less guilt, less fear, and less conflict and burnout in our lives.

The Errand of Angels

Elder Holland speaks of the ministry of angels when he states:

Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times.

Do we realize that in whatever capacity we are called, whatever our life circumstances may be, we can find ways to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, and guidance in difficult times for others? That is being a mother.

Elder Holland continues:

I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind…

…In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.”Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God…

He also speaks in another address about the tongue of angels–which, I imagine, should be the tongue of mother, as well:

In that same spirit we speak to the sisters as well, for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks. Let it never be said of our home or our ward or our neighborhood that “the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity … [burning] among our members.”

And finally, a simple reminder that the errand of angels is simply to do the immediate bidding of our Father in Heaven–quite a lofty goal, but worthy of implementing, no matter how tragic, difficult, or far from the ideal our circumstances may be.

In the end, it’s not about whether or not you have a doctorate from Harvard, your own catering business, or you make designer cupcakes for two year old birthday parties, or change dirty diapers–it’s about if everything you are doing is the Father’s direct and immediate bidding.

Are you pursuing your dream or His? Your will or His? Have you been deceived into thinking that your will is His will? Have you asked that question: “Where am I being deceived in my identity as a woman–as a mother?”

You will never lose your “identity” or sacrifice too much for your family if you are doing His will. You will not need “me” time in the sense that we understand it today…the Lord will always provide you with time to contemplate and drink from the well of His Spirit.

If we are doing anything less than the errand of angels, if we understand neither the doctrine of the family, nor our eternal role as mothers, then we are more than likely unhappy and looking for “something more,” and will eventually be led by divers lusts and become silly (and, I might add, somewhat depressed) women.

I close with the words attributed to Victor Hugo as quoted by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in his beautiful address, “Because She Is A Mother”:

“She broke the bread into two fragments and gave them to her children, who ate with eagerness.

‘She hath kept none for herself,’ grumbled the sergeant.

“‘Because she is not hungry,’ said a soldier.

“‘No,’ said the sergeant, ‘because she is a mother.’”

I wonder if the our current culture understands this beautiful passage, or do they think the following:

• Wow. That mother should have gotten her education, then she wouldn’t be in that predicament!
• That mother should feed herself a little first. After all, if she’s not nourished and feeling good, how can she be at the top of her game to nourish her children?
• Boy, that mother needs to go on a retreat to get some time to recharge.

Instead of seeing the beauty and godliness exhibited in this woman…the exemplification of the “mother heart” we should all desire.

You Might Like...