“The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does.” – James M. Barrie

Last weekend while taking a shower (yes, I take them during the week also) I was thinking about a topic to write about this week. For some reason the idea of being happy with the work you do (regardless of what that is) popped into my head.

Shortly after I was online and received an email from someone who was reading my post on The Shift by Dr. Wayne Dyer. They shared, “I want to get a better job but I can’t find one.  I don’t enjoy the job I am doing right now.”

So I knew I was meant to write about this topic. I love signs (or you may call them coincidences). Honestly, these happen to me all the time.  I think they were always there, guiding me through life, its just that today I’m self-aware, emotionally connected, and spiritually fit so I’m acutely aware of them.

There are a lot of people these days selling passion as a skill set that will enable you to quit your day job and make a living doing what you love. And although I know it’s possible, for many it’s not that easy. Financial obligations (student loans, mortgages, children, etc.) can make it difficult if not impossible to simply quit a secure paying job to follow your passions.

Or maybe there are other reasons, like you really do enjoy your job even though it’s not lying on the beach writing your next book.

Regardless of what you do for a living, you can be happy. At the core, the reason why you’re not happen with the work you do is you’re placing value on something outside of yourself. The ego is suggesting you should be farther along in your career or making more money.

Maybe there are physical things that contribute to the suckiness of your job. Like when I built houses, I was always beat up and it really takes a toll on the body. I saw what it did to my father who worked construction and a labor intensive job into his sixties.

Or maybe the desire for a career change is deeper. Like the pull to do something more meaningful (to you).

Regardless of the reason, there are some things you can do, right now, to make this less of an issue. But before we get into a list, let’s dig a little deeper for a moment.

Change What You Do as a Person

Take a look back at the quote from the beginning of this post, “The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does.” The key is not changing what you do to support your family, but changing what you do as a person.

Do you like what you do as a person?

I wake up each day and decide that I’m here to be of service. To be available to help others regardless of what I do for a living or where I’m at physically.

In my last job I worked on the eighth floor of an office building. I can be a loner or introvert sometimes and would often take the stairs; basically to avoid people. As I began this transformation into emotional connectedness, service, and happiness, I made a real effort to take the elevator and become more “a part of” as opposed to “a part from” what was going on around me. There’s no chance of helping others by avoiding them.

If you’re not happy with whom you are and what you do as a person, no job is going to make you happy.

7 Tips on Finding Happiness at Work:

1. Get a different Job or Change Careers – Changing jobs can be quite scary and many times irresponsible if we have a lot of financial obligations. And there’s no guarantee it’s going to fix anything. Heaven knows I’ve done it enough times in my life. But changing jobs over and over is one of the catalysts that finally led me on this journey to self-discovery and happiness.

My first full-time job was as a zookeeper. I was confident that I’d found my calling and would be satisfied until my dying days. That lasted for about four years. Since then I’ve held dozens of jobs in different fields. To name a few: framing houses, chimney repair, painting, restaurant manager, bartender, radiology tech assistant, and numerous positions in the IT field from programming to Business Analyst.

So yes, you can change jobs, but if you haven’t discovered and accepted your authentic self, chances are you’ll never be satisfied with your career choice. One simple reason is you’re not sure who you are yet or what really makes you happy.

If you’re completely miserable and can’t take another day at your current job, I’d suggest finding a new one before you quit your current one. And better yet, spend some serious time getting to know yourself to have a better understanding of what career path you might enjoy.

2. Make Friends – In their book “Now Discover Your Strengths”(Amazon), Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton point out the importance of building partnerships within the workplace. To be aware of our strengths and weaknesses and partner with people who have skills in areas we lack. This means getting your ego out of the way and working towards a common good.

In a 2010 CBS Where America Stands report on job satisfaction, fifty-six percent of workers who were happy with their job said they were happy with their co-workers. Try reaching out and getting to know the people you work with.

When I started a new job in 2006, my life coach suggested I go around each morning and introduce myself to three new people in the office. It was certainly outside my comfort zone and my response was, “I’m not sure I can do that. I’m shy don’t you know?” His response, “Jared, it’s not about you.”

I met a lot of new people that way and I quickly felt part of a team.

3. Take Charge of Your Career Advancement – Your boss and co-workers aren’t mind readers. If you want more responsibilities and have career goals, let them know about it.

When I first started in the IT field, I spent nights and weekends studying for a certain technical certification. I recall my director at the time wasn’t very supportive. Her response was, “regardless of what certificates you have, no one’s going to hire you without any experience.” It motivated me even more.

I studied even harder and built a small Local Area Network (LAN) in my apartment so I could learn firsthand. The quicker I could learn new skill sets the quicker I could start looking for a new job.

4. Avoid Pessimists – Avoid the negativity going on around the water cooler. Misery loves company.

5. Decide to Be Happy – Wake up each morning and make a decision to be happy at work today. I realize it’s not always that easy, but give it a shot anyway.

Every transformation in our lives begins with a decision, but needs to be followed with supporting action. Show gratitude for your employment by doing something nice for your co-workers. Maybe take in bagels, donuts, or homemade cookies.

6. Get Organized – Every week or so I do a good re-organizing of my cubical at work, which mainly consists of clearing off all the papers and notes from my desk. Feeling disheveled and unorganized can stress me out. I also like to clear out my inbox every Monday and look for possible communications I missed or need to follow up on. Being disorganized—for me—is stressful and a reflection on what’s going on inside of me.

Be mindful of your surroundings and take time to get organized. Slow down and take a moment to look around your personal space and see what it says about you.

7. Take a Vacation – I simply love to travel. My wife and I try and take a vacation every six months or so. We have a vacation savings fund which we put a little into each week and after six months we usually have enough to go someplace sunny with good SCUBA diving.

We do have bills like everyone else, but we make travel a priority. Six months may be too often for some, but I know for us it sure feels good to recharge every so often. Even if you can’t get away, take some time off and just relax, doing something you love.

Having some real down time away from the responsibilities of work can help you keep things in perspective. And usually towards the end of the vacation, I’m looking forward to getting back to work.

Spend more time in becoming who you want to be and what you do as a person, and what you do to bring home the bacon won’t be such a drag.

How to Be Happy at Work, 7 Tips on Finding Happiness in Work (regardless of your job) is a post from: How To Be Happy
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You hear a lot of people suggest that happiness is a choice. Is it really that simple? Emily and I take a closer look at this ideology and some of the obstacles that may prevent us from simply making a choice to be happy.

Some topics discussed in this episode:

Simply making a choice to be happy isn’t always that easy. There are many things, such as past experiences that make it difficult to believe that we can be happy. Many times we have so much crap running around in our heads (fear, guilt, remorse, etc.) that it’s not possible to just dismiss those things and be happy.

I share about my journey in finding my authentic self and how that led to find what was missing; a love and emotional connectedness with self. Emily points out that being okay with self first, enables us to try new things in life knowing we’re not always going to succeed, but that’s the beauty, being able to try many things. Once we begin to be happy with self, we’re then capable to make the choice to be happy.

We can start our day over at anytime. We can stop, re-center, and make a choice to have a better day regardless of how it’s going at the moment. But getting back to the concept of getting rid of the past crap in our heads, if we haven’t done that, we’re not necessarily going to believe ourselves when we say, “I’m going to be happy.”

There’s always something. As we get better (finding gratitude) we begin to have problems in areas of life we never had areas in before. Be grateful for that. Having issues or things going on in our life reminds us we’re living.

Emily shares a story of checking Jared out on a ladder when they first met as he fixed her attic fan. Fixing things with WD40 and a hammer.

If happiness is choice, is unhappiness a choice?

Making a choice to not be a victim; a victim is a spectator in their own life. We all have bad things happen to us, but it’s how we react to them. Things happen around us, not to us. We get a lot of mileage out of being a victim. Many times we’ve been playing the victim role for so long it defines who we are. We’re afraid that without that label or identity we’re not sure who we’ll be. If you’re wondering weather or not you’re playing the victim role, take a look around. Are you chasing people away?

Before we’re able to make a decision, we must have awareness that that we’re doing things to ourselves. Are we aware of whom we’re surrounding ourselves with? Are they encouraging our victimization role?

I can still become consumed sometimes with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I’m not sure it’s brought on by anything specific. But today I have tools to deal with it; practical actions. Emily points out that there are legitimate things to worry about. But are we doing something about it or just sitting around worrying and not getting anywhere? To get out of these funks, I use prayer, gratitude lists, and knowing that this too shall pass.

If choosing to be happy is a choice, then wouldn’t choosing to be unhappy also be a choice? At some point we’re choosing to be in misery. Giving a time-line to ourselves for being unhappy or dealing with some negative emotions associated with it. The more we experience, we learn to not have such emotional highs and lows.

Being aware of possible resentments when making commitments. Learning to not say yes to things which we may resent later.

If we think we may have resentments later for doing something for someone else, then we’re doing it for the wrong reason. We have the right to say no. This works as we begin to rely less on external validation from others. People will be treated the way they allow themselves to be treated. We’re not responsible for the reasons people make up in their heads for why we say no.

Emily shares that if she finds herself not particularly happy, she’ll do something she enjoys; like getting a Java Chip Frappachino or check out the sales rack at Macy’s. Emily is a deal shopping Ninja.

You’re in charge, if you’re bummed; go do something that makes you feel good. Be selfish today.

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006 How to Be Happy Podcast, Is Happiness Really a Choice? is a post from: How To Be Happy
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In this session of the How to Be Happy Podcast, Emily and I sit down to discuss managing expectations. Everything comes back to being happy with who you are and willing to accept life on life’s terms.

“Wearing life like a loose garment.”

“Expectations are resentments in training.”

“Today’s expectations are tomorrow’s resentments.”

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

• Expectations are instilled in us at an early stage in life. Parents set expectations of us from the beginning (learning to walk, how to act, teachers have expectations, etc.)
• The term “they have so much potential” – sticks in Jared’s crawl. It suggests that love or acceptance is conditional.
• Setting expectations of oneself based on what we think the world wants to see. Can result in living conflicted with our inner self.
• It’s freeing to allow people to be who they are, accept them for who they are not who you wish they were.
• Putting expectations on self and others is a lot of pressure.
• Lowering expectations does not mean compromising our standards (moral or values)
• Confusing goals with expectations, it’s good to have goals and high standards, but avoid attaching our happiness to the outcome.
• Setting expectations limits the possibilities.
• We discuses Jared’s expectations of a recent vacation in Belize and how we dealt with it.
• Lowering or removing expectations of others opens us up to connecting on a deeper level – removes perceptions or what a certain “type” of person should be like.
• Having expectations of children and there are going to be disappointments.
• Making the shift from having expectations placed on us as children, but once we fly the coup, the responsibility is now ours.
• We have expectations of ourselves based on the models we’ve had in our lives; hopefully they’re healthy ones.
• Accepting your children for what they have to offer, instead of what you want them to be (e.g. sports as a child)
• Expectations can also go the other way, in that we can expect something to be worse than it really is or will be.
• Tolerance and crazy drivers
• Expectations in dating – whether our relationship was heading in the same/right direction. Communication is important.
• Sharing what you want with someone and then allowing them to figure out if they can give it to you.

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005 How to Be Happy Podcast, Managing Expectations is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I had a reader contact me recently and ask about contentment or how to “just be.”

Emily and I thought this would be a great topic for a Podcast, so that may be on its way as well. In the meantime, I thought I’d write up something about it.

I’m not a Zen master or yoga instructor, and I like things that are practical, actionable, and sustainable. Three words I thought of while sitting in the Best Buy parking lot yesterday. This is totally cool because I realized that’s my mission. To provide tips and techniques on happiness based on real life experiences that are practical, actionable and sustainable.

A quick moment to share something… I’m not doing this alone. I certainly do not know everything or have the market cornered on happiness. What I do have is a proven method that works for me and I’ve seen it work in others. It’s not rocket science and it’s all actually pretty simple, but not easy.

It involves seven steps which I go into detail in my upcoming book, which everyone will hear about soon enough. But I will say it’s getting close and hopefully only a few months away. Man, it’s a lot of work.

Back to contentment…

All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone. – Blaise Pascal

There’s a correlation between my happiness today and my ability to sit quietly alone. I’m not sure if that’s how you would define contentment though. Let’s look at the actual definition so we’re all on the same page.

Contentment: the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.

Oh wow, I certainly was nowhere close to that for the majority of my life. The first time I got a glimpse of how dissatisfying life was going to be, I was twenty-two years old. I’d become a full-time primate keeper, fulfilling a childhood dream and realized I was set for life, knowing exactly what I wanted to do forever.

Then one day I woke up and wasn’t happy or satisfied anymore. I resigned to the idea that life was just going to be that way; endured and never completely satisfying.

Skip ahead past years of going through the motions. I went through careers and relationships like shoes; searching for something that fit right, looked good, and was at least somewhat popular for the next 6-12 months.

Then came the point where it just wasn’t worth trying anymore. So I was forced to try something different. Up to this point, sitting in a room alone was simply not going to happen. Heck, I had trouble sitting still in a room full of people.

So I set out on a mission to find happiness, contentment, and some relief from myself and the burden of living. I discovered that contentment was a by-product of accepting self and how I fit in with the world around me. It came through awareness, self-searching, forgiveness and a lot of uncomfortable work. I had to learn who I was in order to allow my authentic self to just “be.”

Through the process of discovering and loving my authentic self, I found a few tips on what it means to be content, and how to be happy just being still.

Tip #1

Find some humility – Humility was a tool, not a character trait. I was bludgeoned into humility, you can choose it. If you’re not content with life, then you’re looking externally still for validation, acceptance, and happiness. Humility means (in this context) having a realistic view of self and the ability to conduct an honest self examination. It’s about conceding that you’re not the center of the universe, everything doesn’t revolve around you; we all need help.

Here’s something important on humility, some people (previous self included) think that being shy, or having a low self-esteem means being humble. That’s not true. Shyness is still a form of self-centeredness; you’re making it all about you.

Tip #2

Mental Detoxification – You can’t sit still if you’re head is spinning. This is probably one of the hardest things to get a handle on. I still struggle with this at times, especially when I’m trying to sleep.

Except today, as opposed to my past, I lay awake thinking about things I want to get done and am excited about as opposed to fear, guilt, or resentments.

You must learn how to clear your mind of regrets and fears to be in the moment and enjoy who you are now and what you’re doing. It’s hard I know, and may even seem impossible at times. But it can be done. Trust me, if I can do it with my past, anyone can.

Tip #3

Gratitude – Yes, I’m listing gratitude in another list posted on the internet. It’s that important. As I always say, we take care of things we’re grateful for and gratitude is an action.

Being grateful for whom you are and what you have means you’re in abundance as opposed to scarcity mode. Which results in not looking for something else and being content or satisfied. At least for the moment; put enough of these together and you’re onto something.

Tip #4

Get out of Your Head – Learn to travel the longest distance in the world, the twelve inches between your head and your heart.

People used to tell me to get out of my head and into my heart. I had no freaking idea what they were talking about. I thought it meant I needed to be more emotional, which didn’t make much sense because I pretty much cried all the time anyway. Yes, I’m a man who cries.

Today I know what this means.

In the past I was a narcissist and really didn’t know it. Every event, relationship, or circumstance was viewed through the lens of “what’s in it for me.” I wasn’t a mean person or harmful to others, I just didn’t know anything different.

After about six months of working on myself, going through this process of self-discovery (stuff I talk about in my upcoming book) I had a friend who experienced sort of a medical miracle. I recall feeling this intense joy and happiness for her good fortune. It’s hard to explain, but it was completely different than anything I’d ever felt. It was true happiness for someone else and not just how that event affected me.

Once I learned what was in my own heart, I was able to feel what was in the heart of others. It comes out in conversations, body language and normal everyday interactions. It’s like seeing the world with a completely new set of eyes.

Without this connection with my own heart, building deep relationships with others was difficult. It’s like trying to explain to someone what an orange tastes like if you’ve never tasted one.

The by-product of this emotionally connectedness is decisions and actions are driven by an internal balance—conscience and self-respect—rather than based on my ego and what I want people to think about or perceive me externally. Consequently, external things matter less, if at all in most cases.

The less you need externally, the more content you are internally. And you know and feel it when you’re connected to your heart.

Tip #5

Learn meditation – People meditate in all different ways. Most people not familiar with meditation think it’s all about sitting still and thinking nothing. That’s not necessarily the case. For example, Vipassana mediation is about insight; knowing what is happening as it happens.

I like to run, and lately I’ve started running without headphones. I used to listen to music, podcasts, or try and make my running time productive in some manner. …as if running wasn’t productive enough. But now I enjoy meditating while I run.

I just run, listen to my feet hitting the sidewalk or the leaves rustling across the street. I hear the dog a few blocks over, my breath, etc. It’s all wondrous and helps me focus, clear my mind, relax and be content with what I’m doing in that moment.

If you can learn how to mediate and clear your mind for just a few short minutes, you’ll at least be content for those brief moments. But it all starts somewhere.

Being content means being satisfied with our stint in life. But we have to start being satisfied with who we are first.

5 tips on How to Be Happy and Content with Life is a post from: How To Be Happy
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In this episode of the How to Be Happy Podcast, Emily and I discuss death. But before you make a decision on how morbid this sounds, have a listen.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Dealing with Death

• What to say to others then they’ve experienced a loss.
• We share about our personal experiences with death of loved ones.
• The reality of facing our own mortality.
• Although tragic, death can also be beautiful
• Does everything happen for a reason?
• Is there anything on your bucket list?

Being of service

• Thinking about what you can bring to a situation/relationship as opposed to what’s in it for me?

Groundhog Day? (yes we talk about the weather)

Reminding ourselves to stay in the moment, even when looking forward to something in the future.

We get back to the topic of death and about allowing people to reach out to you when you’re going through something difficult.

Things mentioned in this episode:

• The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck

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HTBH Podcast 004 – Coping with Death is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Welcome to the How to Be Happy Podcast Episode #3. In this session Emily and I talk about nurturing relationships.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Keeping the Love (relationship) Alive

• In the early part of a relationship, it’s easier to be physical than emotional. Physical interaction is an easy way to say, “Hey, I’m really digging you!”
• As the relationship matures, you still show love in other ways
• Things to do For Him: Emily give’s a shout out to the “ladies at the Starbucks of Summit Fair, Lee’s Summit, MO where she was asked about loving things to do for your husband
• Leaving love notes (maybe in your husbands coat pocket)
• Emily mentions doing things like folding a wash clothe nice or a chocolate under the pillow like you would see in a five star hotel
• Letting him know it’s OK to enjoy himself and relax
• Things to do For Her:
• The obvious ones, flowers (for no reason)
• We talk a little bit about orchids. Each has its own love language like people sometimes
• Find out what they “dig” – Pay attention
• Just be kind
• Leave notes
• Jared’s a PC, Emily is a MAC and we make it work just fine
• Date Night
• Schedule time when it’s just the two of you
• Communication is always key
• Spontaneity
• Be willing to be spontaneous
• Although communicate, some people like to be mentally prepared, like when they have an expectation
• We talk a little bit about traveling and how Jared used to schedule everything. And how it’s more important now to “wear life like a loose garment” and go with the flow
• Decide “how big of a deal is it” if we decide to go do something else  – other than what we expected
• We share a story about our first trip together to St. Croix. Expectations and that we can decide, are we going to be part of the problem, or the solution? And Jared get’s sprayed by ants in the Jeep

Alone Time

• Keeping Self Image – Independence
• Waiting on your spouse to get read – don’t rush them
• Hobbies
• Having alone time is good – then you have something to share with each other later

Friends

• Circle of Friends – How much investment do you point in a relationship that’s not positive?
• Hanging out with People Who Inspire You
• Investing in Relationships

Family

• Family is important but we can still surround ourselves with people that inspire us
• Love more by caring less

Some items reference or mentioned in this episode:

• “How do you get your nearest and dearest to change their behavior? Simple: Stop giving a damn what they do, says Martha Beck.” Martha Beck’s How to Love More by Caring Less in Oprah Magazine.
• St. Croix
• Flowers

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HTBH Podcast 003 – Nurturing Relationships is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Welcome to the How to Be Happy Podcast Episode #2. In this session Emily and I talk about our dating history and how we first met and some tips and experiences on dating.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Questions to Ask on a Date:

• Family (theirs and yours) How they interact with friends
• Religion
• Values

Do you show up with a gift?

How honest do you get? TMI?

Where to find dates?

Witnessing how others act around friends and family can tell you a lot about the kind of person they are.

Looking for things about them that should/could change?

Expectations

Chase or be chased?

Online dating tips

Living together – Should you?

How long should you date before getting married?

Some items reference or mentioned in this episode:

• Plenty of Fish
• Las Vegas
• St. Croix
• SCUBA diving

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HTBH Podcast 002 – How to Be Happy Dating is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Are you wondering how to be happy single or alone? I’ve been through a couple iterations of aloneness during different periods of my life. I refer to them as alone in a room full of people and alone in a room with myself; which I’ll talk about in this post. As to how to be happy alone, there isn’t a simple answer. Although we can be happy without intimacy with others, there seems to be a limit to that experience until we share it with others.

I’ll share and talk about the last scene in the movie Into the Wild. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s pretty hard to watch—so you’ve been warned—it always brings tears to my eyes.

My wife Emily and I sat down and came up with 12 simple actions (most were her suggestions) that you can do—alone—to be happy; which I’ll list at the end of this post.

My Time Alone

There were certainly times in my life where I have been alone, and would have considered myself happy. My aloneness consisted of two very different versions. The first has consumed the majority of my life, up until the age of 35.

Alone in a Room Full of People

As we live our lives consumed with how others perceive us, we display certain external versions of who we are; or more precisely, how we want others to perceive us. From my experience, this creates a sort of split self. I have this version I’m showing the world, while at the same time, I have an inner perspective of myself that’s often quite different. Although we’re probably not aware of this “split” self at the time. At least I wasn’t.

We seem relatively happy. Maybe we have a large group of friends that we hang out with from time-to-time or we may even be in an intimate relationship. We think we’re happy; at least it would appear that way from the outside.

Yet inside we may still have this little nudge or pressure in our soul that’s suggesting there must be something more. Maybe we feel as if we’re settling. Asking ourselves, “is this as good as it gets?”

I lived that way for the majority of my life. I was always this outgoing, positive, and seemingly happy person. Yet I still felt something missing in life. That all of these other happy people around me must know something I didn’t. It’s funny though, because at the same time my ego was telling me—and fighting to portray externally—that I was the one held the secret. After all, most friends came to me for advice and were certainly blown away by my witty sense of humor and personal drive.

So there I was; happy alone. Yet even in a room full of people, surrounded by friends, or even in an “intimate” relationship, there was still a part of me that felt lonely. That I was missing something while resigning to “that’s life” and it’s always going to be this way.

As a result of living this split self; I never really got honest with anyone, especially myself. When things got uncomfortable, I’d bolt or just pass over it. I had no emotional connectedness to my authentic self or what I truly needed to be happy. So I just acted as if most of the time and avoided any real emotional connections with myself and others.  This was later described to me by a psychiatrist as conflict avoidance. Which is a fancy way of saying I didn’t like feeling uncomfortable.

Even though I was in relationships and had friends, there were long periods where I became quite introverted. Staying at home all the time by myself and becoming consumed with learning. I got into computers and taught myself about networks, programming, and web development. Although I was alone, I didn’t know how to just be. I was unable to just sit in a quiet room alone with my thoughts because there was always that deep part of me that felt as if something was missing. So I just kept my mind busy on external things.

So I would say that I was happy; at least compared to a lot of people I knew at the time. But in perspective, it was nothing compared to the soul filling happiness and contentment I’ve discovered since.

Alone in a Room with Myself

After hitting that point of total isolation and desperation, I sought to find inner-peace and happiness. That’s when I truly started getting honest with myself. I simply didn’t care anymore what others thought of me. I got help from anyone or anything I could; therapist’s, counselors, clergy, 12-step programs, spiritual advisers, books, etc. I just wanted something different out of life and wasn’t going to give up until I found the missing piece to the puzzle.

What I found was my perfect and authentic self. Through a process which I go into great detail in my upcoming book, “Happiness for the Practical Mind: 7 Steps to Discovering and Loving Your Authentic Self,” I found what I was missing; a deep emotional connectedness with self. Resulting in—among many things—a deep acceptance of my authentic self and the ability to love and be loved.

The process—as it’s ongoing and continually evolving—allows me to live as one. Just be who I am and know that it’s enough. What I feel on the inside, peace, joy, love, acceptance, and happiness, is what radiates outwards and shows on the outside. I truly know and accept who I am, which means needing less external from the world to make me happy, therefore I am happy.

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”
-Lao Tzu

Today, I’m able to sit alone, meditate, and feel the presence of love, spirit, God, and all the wondrous things life has to offer. I can sit alone in a room with myself and feel happiness, joy, and peace. Once I realized I have everything within me to be completely happy, I know longer need to take or expect anything from anyone. Living is not about me anymore, it’s about what I have to offer the world. This is when real meaningful and life changing relationships manifest in our lives. This has brought a completely different level of happiness.

Since I can be happy alone with my true self, I can truly connect with others and develop deep, intimate relationships. Being happy alone is good, but is happiness real if not shared with others?

Is Happiness Only Real if Shared?

If you’ve never read the book or seen the movie Into the Wild, you should. But I must warn you, it’s sort of… well, really sad at the end. If you’re not familiar with this true story, here’s a brief synopsis:

Christopher McCandless is a promising, smart, and seemingly fearless young adult. After graduating with honors from Emory, he gives away his savings—anonymously—to a charity, hops in his car and drives off without letting anyone know where he’s going. For certain reasons he’s lost trust in his family and sets out to experience the country and ends up hitching across the Northwest before settling on a plan to live completely alone in the Alaskan wilderness.  In his journeys, he comes across many people who are inspired by him, but he avoids any true intimacy.

He finally makes it to the Alaskan wilderness in 1992 at the age of twenty-four and lives for 16 weeks off the land void of any human contact using a deserted bus as shelter. However, he eventually ate some spoiled or poison berries which lead to his death; alone in a bus in the woods.

 What do you think, is happiness only real if it’s shared?

That ending scene in the movie just disturbs my soul for some reason; in a way which I very seldom feel. It touches a deep rooted fear, of being completely alone or dying. A feeling that’s not pleasant, but cannot keep us from living today. There’s been a few times in my life when I’ve felt that primal fear; it’s my time. And it’s true, you think about those most important to you in your life.

Like when I think about a day in St. Croix when I nearly drowned snorkeling.

My wife and I had just become certified SCUBA divers so I was feeling a bit over confident. There was a nice reef about a hundred yards out from our resort and a fellow diver had mentioned an entry point just past our beach near some rocky outcroppings. So off I went while Emily walked the beach and picked up seashells.

Without a snorkeling vest I carefully timed the waves and entered the choppy water and kicked out quickly to where the depth was probably 15-20 feet. I figured once I got out from all the rocks the water would be calmer. What I discovered was quite the contrary. Huge swelling waves pounded me while I could see enormous sharp rocks popping above the surface all around me as each wave passed. Tiring quickly, I struggled to swim and switch between breathing with and without my snorkel. The water was so choppy that whenever I tried to just swim face down using my snorkel, it would take in water causing more panic. I searched for any large rocks I could stand on to rest while praying I didn’t suck in more water or get slammed into the sharp rocks on all sides.  The swells and my initial entry had carried me far enough that returning the way I came in was not an option. So I would have to make it a few hundred feet to the beach passing more large rocks. It was a daunting task with 3-4 foot swells, sharp rocks, and—from the few glimpses I actually got under the water—spiny sea urchins the size of basketballs everywhere!

As fatigue quickly set in, I managed to find a few good footings on large rocks to catch my breath briefly until a large wave would lift me up causing me to lose my footing. I remember briefly seeing Emily down on the beach, calmly looking for shells. It was humbling to know that just a few hundred feet away she was so peaceful while I was fighting for my life. I was thinking, “God, please… I’m going to die right here in this ocean while she’s just a few hundred feet away.”

Once I made it to shallow enough water, I didn’t care about all the sea urchins any more and just scampered over the sharp rocks and crawled to the sand. Emily, not catching the terror still on my face, looked at me and said, “How was it?” I simply said, “Not good and probably one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.”

I will say one thing, I feel a lot safer with a tank of air strapped to my back!

12 Simple Actions to Make Yourself Happy

1. Go shopping (Yes, this was my wife’s idea) – She’s a bargain shopper and will watch a pair of jeans for months until they go on sale. She said that shopping alone makes her happy. She can take her time and look for great deals.

2. Paint a Room – It’s amazing what a coat of paint in an uplifting color can do to a room.

3. Get rid of old socks – I wasn’t sure about this one… but hey, I do feel better when I clean out my sock draw.

4. Go for a Walk – Enjoy nature or find a park where there are other people and feel good about getting out and being part of a community.

5. Make a new friend – Be open to friendship and find ways of connecting with others.

6. Read a Book – It’s great being sucked into a good book, the kind you can’t wait to get back to.

7. Go to a Movie – Go to a movie and get a huge bucket of popcorn and your favorite soft drink. I used to think going to a movie by myself was pathetic, but then I realized… who cares, I’m in a movie!

8. People watch – Try not to do this in a creep way. I love going to a coffee shop or mall and just walking around and watching how people interact. We humans are interesting.

9. Volunteer – Find a local shelter or volunteer organization to donate your time.

10. Make a list of things you need to do around the house – I love lists. You can make a simple list of jobs around the house you’d like to get done. Just checking a few off can make you feel good about yourself.

11. Make a gratitude list – This is one I use all the time, never fails. Gratitude makes us happy!

12. Start a Puzzle – Puzzles can be fun and provide a good sense of accomplishment when finished.

These are just a few things we thought of this morning over coffee.

What do you do to make yourself feel happy?

Is happiness only real if it’s shared?

How to be Happy Alone, 12 Simple Actions to Make Yourself Happy is a post from: How To Be Happy
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It’s here! The first session of the How to Be Happy Podcast with Jared and Emily Akers.

You may download the podcast to your computer or listen to it here on JaredAkers.com. Additionally, I will be submitting the podcast feed to iTunes soon, so you’ll be able to subscribe through there as well – hopefully that will be ready by the time our next episode is live. I’m also working on getting the episodes transcribed so there will a downloadable .PDF version of the show (I’ll add that to this page in a couple days after the transcription is finished… I’m still working out the entire workflow process).

We plan on doing a weekly session at this point, but we’re not setting any expectations…. So don’t hold us to that. We look forward to exploring many topics from life, love, relationships, self-respect, travel, and keys to living a happy life; all from personal experience.

Here’s What’s in The Show

Since this is our first podcast, we spend a little bit of time at the beginning introducing ourselves and give a little back-story.

Here’s what you’ll find in this session:

Welcome:

• Maiden episode of How to Be Happy Podcast
• Introduced myself, Jared Akers and my wife Emily
• Episode Topic: How to be happy in a relationship when there’s been infidelity

Back-story:

• Why we started doing this, a little about our past (my bottom March 2006)
• Why we’re qualified (unhealthy relationships)
• Inviting God into our lives
• Working on Self-Discover, inner-peace, happiness and self-acceptance – ALONE!
• Met February 25, 2007
• Married December 2, 2008
• Friends and Family members always asking us: why or how are you so happy? Get along? etc.

Topic:

I get emails from people all over the world asking questions about happiness, and this topic is one that has come up often. In this show my wife gives some first-hand experience with the topic as we discuss things like:

• Is it possible
• Honesty
• Forgiveness
• From the perspective of the offender
• From the perspective of the victim
• Trust
• How it affects the children

We hope you enjoy the show and we’re looking forward to sharing more with all of you in the future.

If you have any topic suggestions, feel free to email them to jared (at) jaredakers (dot) com.

Please subscribe below to the podcast to get automatic updates:

Click Here to Subscribe via iTunes!
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Transcript

Click here to download the transcript for this episode (PDF).

HTBH Podcast 001 – How to Be Happy in a Relationship When There’s Been Infidelity is a post from: How To Be Happy
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If you’re not happy with life, then you’re probably not happy with yourself. Maybe it’s time to change.

Do you know someone who is constantly complaining about something or the entire universe just seems to be conspiring against them? Or, maybe that’s you?

“Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.” -Henry Ford

There was certainly a time in my life where I thought the world was out to get me. I thought that if everyone could just understand me (mainly how great I was) that I would finally get ahead. I’d get the promotion I deserved, the million dollar bonus, fame, fortune, etc. They (the world) just didn’t get how amazing I was.

I was a little off in that I believed fame and fortune would finally mean acceptance and happiness. The truth was I wasn’t happy with myself at all.

I can say with certainty that, for many years, I was confused on what being happy with yourself actually meant. Looking and acting happy seemed to be what I was doing most of the time—or at least striving for. You may be familiar with the phrase, “act as if.” Also known as “Fake it till you make it.” This suggests that if you act a certain way, whether you feel like it or not, you’ll eventually become that. That if you act happy, going through the motions of someone that feels happy, that eventually the happiness will become real. I think this concept has some merit, to a point.

From my experience, acting “as if” for years didn’t really solve my problems. Or in my case, I might have felt happy at times, but there still existed the underlying feeling of dread or general dissatisfaction with life.

Early in my happiness journey, where I really dug deep to get better and find inner-peace, I had several coach’s or mentors which helped me along the way. In times where I was frustrated or having trouble with a particular situation, I would call them up for advice. Usually it went something like this…

Me: This guy is being a total di#$.
Mentor: How are you planning to deal with it?
Me: Well, in the past I have asserted my self-will and [insert past behavior here].
Mentor: How’s that working for you?

The idea was that I get out of my comfort zone and try something different. As the saying goes, if you continue doing the same things you’ll keep getting the same results (or a dozen other cliché’s along those lines).

Slowly, as I started working through the process of self-discovery and learning acceptance and self-worth, I did change. I started doing things differently, stepping out of my comfort zone, and began to realize that the earth wasn’t going to stop because I made myself vulnerable.

One of the greatest parts of self-worth and acceptance was the ability to be completely honest with myself and others. One instance which I remember vividly was a date I had with my wife Emily, who was my girlfriend at the time.

We had only been dating for a few weeks, and she was coming down to my office to meet me for lunch. I had spent the last 11 months working on myself and was feeling more comfortable with who I was more than any time in my life. I had found forgiveness for myself and let go of my past. However, there were still some things I wasn’t proud of, but grateful as they made me who I was. Nonetheless, there was still one thing about my past which I hadn’t shared with Emily yet. And this was going to be the day.

I vividly remember riding the elevator down to meet her and feeling nervous as hell. I even got down on my knees in the elevator and said a prayer. Since I worked on the 8^th floor, it was a quick prayer. I was nervous because this part of my past had… well, not been accepted to well when it came up in previous relationships. It was actually the cause of one relationship ending. Consequently I usually left it out of my back-story in most relationships’ after that. Yet it was part of who I am and so I felt it important to share it with Emily.

As soon as I got in the car, I got all serious, turned to her and told her my secret. She sort of looked at me inquisitively and said, “Uh, OK. You had me worried there for a second… What do you feel like for lunch?”

That was it. I wasn’t banished off to Pluto to live a life of misery and isolation. That was the moment I really knew that I could and would be accepted for who I was completely. It felt good to be open and honest about myself, I could be loved unconditionally.

To be happy with yourself, trying doing something you wouldn’t normally do. Change it up a little bit and get out of your comfort zone. Maybe it’s time to change, act like the person you want to be, and leave it all behind.

Segue to kick ass song…

How to Be Happy with Yourself, Maybe it’s Time to Change is a post from: How To Be Happy
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